Foolish Times May 2017

May 2017

I wish my teeth were as white as these legs...

Event Calendar Âť Pg. 26

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May 2017

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May 2017

What the Bleep is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fools.............................Karen S.

Hutch Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool......................Jonah Dee

Contributors

Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Stefan Chapman, Roger Freed, Ted Gargiulo, Dennis Hengeveld, Zachary Michael Jack, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Stacy Lininger, Chris Myers, David Schmidt, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Laura Sottile, Monty Truitt

The Chucklehead Speaks It’s May and time to put away the heavy coat and replace it with a lightweight jacket in preparation for summer. The beanie is a yearround accessory. They say that our cool climate can help you live longer. I think is only seems longer. Shivering is a form of art in Monterey.

May also brings the end of the school year and Mother’s Day. In the past, it was a nice meal at a restaurant with Mom. She enjoyed this special day because she didn’t have to cook or cleanup after everyone. Now that I live on the “other coast,” its flowers and a phone call wishing I was there.

The best gift for any mom is when their kids move out. Today’s kids don’t understand that after being carried by their mom for nine months does not entitle them to be carried financially for years

after graduation. There is a reason Macy’s has a sale on luggage this time of year. I remember the heart-to-heart talk with my mom when I turned 18. She said we would all be better off if I ran away from home.

We’re all here because we have a mom. Even though you taught her how to text, this is one day to actually pick up the phone and hear her voice.

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Foolish Times

P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942

831.648.1038

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May 2017

www.foolishtimes.net assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done.”

“What happened to your girlfriend, that really cute math student?”

“She no longer is my girlfriend.

I caught her cheating on me.”

“I don’t believe that she cheated on you!”

“Well, a couple of nights ago I called her on the phone, and she told me that she was in bed wrestling with three unknowns…”

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin’... perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.”

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again.

“Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

The young man knit his brow.

“Well, now,” he said, “my thoughts are a bit more serious this time.”

“Really?” said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

“Aye,” said the lad. “Din’na ye think it’s aboot time ye paid me that first penny?”

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, “I’ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.”

Well, you can imagine her disappointment.

The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything.

She says, “Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!?”

He replies, “You didn’t use what I got you last year!”

An architect, an artist and an

…When your “mom voice” is so loud, even your neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed

engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, “I like both.”

“Both?”

Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.

“Ohhh, it’s my girlfriend.”

“What’s the problem?”

“When I asked her if she could learn to love me, she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education.”

Don’t mess with a kid whose mom’s favorite show is Sons of Anarchy

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May 2017

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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net

LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations

CAFÉ Bay Café & Cantina Best breakfast & lunch.

Pet friendly garden patio.

Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea.

Locals & military discounts 55 Camino Aguajito, Monterey 831.717.4054 www.baycafeandcantina.com

FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it.

ORGANIC Bay of Pines Ocean-themed decór, organic soups, salads, beef, chicken, pasta & burgers. Beer & wine. Experience the organic difference.

150 Del Monte Ave, Monterey 831.920.3560 www.bayofpinesrestaurant.com

DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time!

An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444

CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience.

429 Alvarado St Monterey 831.3331288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com

SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it!

If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy

BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day.

Don’t forget to come back for lunch!

171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net

ITALIAN

PUBS

Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce.

1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub.

Heated patio. Full menu to midnight.

150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net

MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite!

Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 Sarita’s Call it what it is...the original place, the namesake, where it all started.

You will call it the best!

Eat in, take-out, catering 21 Soledad St Monterey 831.350.0555 www.saritastogo.com

WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!

PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038

THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by award-winning chef. Newly remodeled.

328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223

INDIAN Namaste India Bistro House mixed spices accent freshly prepared Indian food for a modern interpretation of classic dishes.

Dine in, take-out and delivery.

Lunch buffet daily.

538 Lighthouse Ave, Monterey 831.641.0130 www.namasteindiabistro.com

SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal.

Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items.

Full menu/ bar available.

1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com

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May 2017

www.foolishtimes.net

By Lily Brun

Flowergeddon We’ve all heard the old adage, “April showers bring May flowers.”

We’ll after the deluge that came this past winter thanks to the effects of El Nino, California is awash in a wildflower super bloom unlike anyone has seen in a decade. The vibrant hues are so spectacular they show up on satellite photos, making Earth look like a half-completed page from a coloring book.

It’s nature at its finest, an unrestrained moment of glorious beauty. Of course, that got me thinking about the SyFy channel.

My mind works in strange and mysterious ways. My guy and I like to watch the kooky movies with plot lines that just defy reason. The more foolish the better! We love them. At times they seem more real than reality TV! I especially like the nature movies, things like: Nature Unleashed: Earthquake, Nature Unleashed: Fire, Nature Unleashed: Tornado and Nature Unleashed: Volcano, all having to do with various forces of nature

running amok and threatening the lives of our planet’s inhabitants.

Out-of-control wildflowers awake out of dormancy and come to life after a torrential downpour of water that floods the Earth’s dry-as-bone landscapes So, funnier minds than mine have dubbed this year’s super bloom: Flowergeddon. Love that!

Here’s where my storytelling bent went — out-of-control wildflowers awake out of dormancy and come to life after a torrential downpour of water that floods the Earth’s dry-as-bone landscapes causing these beautiful weeds to invade our farmland and begin to kill our crops. Mankind must be saved.

So, a trusty and intrepid band of gardeners armed with weed

wackers, hori horis, hoe dags and garden torches take it upon themselves to fight their way through these tinged fields of horror to the mother plant of each species and dispatch with it before it reseeds.

Danger is everywhere. Each flower has surpassed its intended purpose to bring beauty and pollinators and instead has reached a pinnacle of potency that gives every one of them a life-threatening component.

The Blazing Stars are so bright, a straight-on peek brings on blindness. The dark purple jewelflower is temptingly pluckworthy, but perilously disastrous

for the fingers. The chocolate lily’s seducing aroma engenders tasting, resulting in death by chocolate. I could go on and on, but you get my blossoming drift.

As I was developing this scenario, I discovered that the entire saying is, “March winds and April showers bring May flowers and June bugs.” I’m already imagining the sequel possibilities. In the compost heap of B-movies, these might cultivate a cult following that brings in a whole new audience to the genre … those who believe climate change has real-time ramifications.

No longer will May flowers just bring pilgrims. On the horizon a mutant form of beetle that sends everyone fleeing Earth to the tune of the B-52’s — Junebug! GO GO GO Junebug GO GO GO Junebug!

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Happy Mother’s Day

Lunchables for moms consist of wine, cheese and chocolate

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May 2017

Comments Welcome: lalaugh6@gmail.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram May Day, May Day! If you’d rather fight than switch then don’t bitch about the black eye...you know how vain you are. No room this month for Aries vagaries, it’s all about the core. Question is how many licks does it take to get to your center? Chin up!

Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull A tranquil May afternoon may have you sauntering towards the sunny side of the ring and popping down some Pipas. But your baloney has a first name, it’s b-u-l-l-s-h-i-t and you are about to bust! Put away that Blimpus Olympus attitude. Perhaps a few forgot your Birthday, so bite that gritty red rose and charge!

Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins What Paul Sasson said nearly a century ago today is still true: Release no whine before it’s time.. now is certainly the exception!

Wash that man/woman right out of your hair and you will double your pleasure, double your fun with BrylScream! A little dab’ll do ya.

Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Hey Spikey the Recluse! Don’t be a killjoy. Waiting for a new shell to harden? Anticipation, an-ti-cipa-tion is making me gray... How’s about a nice Hawaiian Punch?!

Let go of that Kung Fu grip and say yes to Martini & Fosse, and do the jump and jive.

Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion Plop, plop, fizz, fizz oh what a familiar bizz this is! You are a magnanimous spicy meat-a-ball of power. But your impatience leads you to eat the whole thing...uh, uh Ralph and Ralphina. Take advice from Speedy and get the relief you need. Before your heart burns for more!

Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer A simple case of the Blahs can send you reeling! Especially with all the scheduling, dozens of runs, serving tons, greeting thousands and all delivered with love. No wonder things go better for you with Koke, after Koke after Koke after Koke. Moderation is the REAL Thing!

Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin You were a big splash in the small pond in your back yard. You can be a real Kool Aid Kid when you are happy go plucky like this. It’s good for once that you’re not all business as usual. You’ve earned yourself an instance of winsome.

Coast the back stroke Virgie.

Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat In the dull and commonplace occurrences one thing stands out as a completely unique experience; sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don’t! But life has a daily assortment of nuts. It’s up to you to pick which nut to crack... BeCause ~ Mounds and mounds of joy can be found in any nut.

Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Mr. Whippie was a hippy right before he started squeezing the Charmin. We all know what that led to. You too are once again attempting to balance your subterfuge with directness. Not a tiptoe through the tulips is it! You may want to roll with surrender and wipe with surprise.

Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion Droll, but you made an impression with Skoal, between your cheek and bum. You are drawn to the mysterious, no need to keep this a secret. (It was the crunch that gave you away.) A sensuous eclipse this month will allow your true alluring personality to gnaw, chew, and grind...but not with your mouth open.

Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier Your comfort zone will allow you two all golf caddies, special gloss, zealous breeze, tickles, from Paul Bunyan all on a ecstasy believed run! Go to it...Sometimes in order to churn out some amazing ideas, you have to let

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By Bini your uninhibited desires bite your social conscience. It’s alarming how charming this feels!

Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes Paris in the springtime PI? Why not! The smell of success is never too sweet for a compassionate soul like yourself. This time you’re going to bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan, and you’ll never ever forget you’re on land, because you’re a human! Yet, it’s time to teach the world to swim in perfect harmony.

I’m not being bad or misbehaving.

I’m communicating like a kid.

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You know you’re a mom when you have a secret stash of chocolate because you’re sick of sharing

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May 2017

WEINIE WINTERS

by Roger Freed Anyone who has spent any time in southern Alaska has noticed the high density of Wisconsiners living here (to avoid any violent misunderstandings and to remain socially correct, by “high density” I am referring to the percentage of population, not the thickness of their skulls). There is a disproportionally large population of them in town coming from a state with only five million, most of them cows. I am one myself (a Wisconsiner, not a cow) but don’t tell anyone.

They could go to California or Mexico, but no, they always go to places with the big — sleet, slush and snow.

Why are there so many here?

A two word answer — EASY WINTERS. That is right — easy winters — this time without capitol letters. Southern Alaska winters may not seem easy by

any standards, but by Wisconsin standards they are downright wimpy. Of course, that is not taking into account the pre- and post-rain that strikes the south in Noah-like torrents, but other than that they are easy.

Expatriate Wisconsiners consider anywhere where there is snow in December and temperatures that rarely dip below 0 degrees to be flocking grounds.

What is a Wisconsiner’s idea of a winter vacation? 30 degrees with a case of Schlitz, bratwursts, a snowmobile and the Green Bay Packers on satellite dish. (Note — the Schlitz can be substituted with Pabst, the brats with summer sausage, and the snowmobile with an ATV, but DON’T EVEN THINK OF SUBBING ANYTHING FOR THE PACKERS unless you are good at untying your fingers from the knots they have been made into. Disparaging the Packers is the equivalent of saying anything against the Inquisition in the 12th century and equally as revenged.)

For example, snowy climes with weather better than Wisconsin’s

include anywhere in the world with the exception of the North and South Pole, northern Canada, Siberia, Greenland and the tops of the Himalayas. Anywhere else, except Minnesota which is really a suburb of Wisconsin, is a piece of frozen cake. Wisconsiners want to be able to ski, make snowmen and snowmobile with all the luxuries of a snow culture minus the actual danger of freezing to death.

Interestingly enough, Wisconsiners always migrate to other cold climates. They could go to California or Mexico, but no, they always go to places with the big — sleet, slush and snow.

Our Norwegian heritage has a lot to do with this. Mostly due to the fact of only having lutefisk (oc soaked in lye) to eat all winter.

There was a mass emigration out of Norway, especially to places that had cows. When our Norsk forefathers came over here the whole country was open for grabs.

They could have gone to balmy Florida or sunny Texas. Where did they all go? To Minnesota, North Dakota, Wisconsin and Michigan,

www.foolishtimes.net the bleakest, most desolate winter places possible.

This is due partly to certain psychological conditions inherent in the Norwegian mind such as Defrostiphobia (fear of thawing out) and Chlorophylliphobia (fear of green, growing things and land not covered in white). Also to blame are permanent cases of brain freeze that render making rational decisions difficult (ie, “Gee, Brunhilde, when we go to America we could go to Arizona or Georgia! Heck, let’s go to Wisconsin where we can spend half the year chopping icicles out of our noses!”)

Moms are like dads, only smarter.

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N O BARK I N G

by Robyn Justo There should be rules…rules about barking, rules against dropping more F-bombs than a Tarantino flick in restaurants, and rules protecting us from vampirelike beings hovering in doorways of storefronts, smiling maniacally, anxiously ready to pounce on the next innocent passerby, inflicting pain and insecurity as they sink their psychological claws into their prey, rubbing “miracle” cream on hands and frightened (and flawed, according to them) faces.

I was peacefully having lunch in Carmel and the woman a few seats away started a rant.

“Why do they ALWAYS flavor the iced tea? I want regular tea!”

A few seconds later it was something else. “WHY can’t ANYONE do ANYTHING right??”

I felt like kicking Her Whiness RIGHT out the door.

Fast forward to a few days later and another restaurant. Yes, I eat out a lot. A woman at a nearby table got up and went looking for someone to wait on her.

“We need SOMEONE to take care of us,” she demanded loudly. When the waiter came over, she started in. “I want this, I want that, I want ____!” each item being described in detail and tailored to her specific, unreasonable desires.

The waiter came over to my table and smiled sheepishly.

“She’s a local, we know her.”

“Is that an excuse?” I asked?

“She better be a big tipper.”

Three young people were sitting at a table in my favorite Chinese place and one of them

dropped so many F-bombs in the loudest tone I have ever heard a girl use with an inside voice. I almost spit out my hot and sour, and flung a wonton at her, but with that attitude she might have been packing. You never know. It’s Clint-town.

I backed away, holding on to my vector equilibrium for dear life, praying that it would teleport me to the beach, anywhere.

Strolling down Ocean Avenue used to be a calming and almost therapeutic experience and I needed it after the stress of dining, but something had changed. Something wasn’t right.

(WHY isn’t ANYTHING ever RIGHT?) There were human (or at least they looked human, all of them attractive) sirens lingering in the doorways, calling out to me, pretending that they were just saying hello. Don’t make eye contact, Robyn!

They had samples, magical potions, that special sauce! I was able to sidestep and ignore most of them and I’ve heard that they are not allowed to come out on the street, but they bark relentlessly nonetheless. Just like a carnival.

But one day one guy had a great schtick and I didn’t see it coming.

He didn’t bark, but adorably whimpered.

“Hey, I love your pendant!” he said, breaking the rule and coming out on the street to get a closer look. My pendant was cool so I fell for it. It was the vector equilibrium, the blueprint by which nature forms energy into matter. I wore it proudly, but before I knew it I was following him into the store to look at photos of pendants on his phone.

Then he pitched. “Can I put some of this cream around your eyes?”

This brought back a painful memory of shopping at a cosmetic counter in my 20s and the gal trying to sell me something for the

May 2017

lines around my eyes. What lines?

I had never noticed them before but certainly did after that. Damn her!

“NO,” I said strongly, donning my game face. “I’m sensitive.”

(And fine the way I am, I thought and if you don’t like the way I look, don’t look at me.) I could feel my frown line getting deeper.

“It’ll help,” he said. I backed away, holding on to my vector equilibrium for dear life, praying that it would teleport me to the beach, anywhere, kicking myself for being so gullible (and for not taking a leftover wonton with me so that I could fling it on him.

There should be rules, I tell you.

Who says that life has to be the way that we want it all of the time, or any of the time? Who says that we can’t have lines or draw lines?

Maybe entitlement lost will be enlightenment and equilibrium gained.

YO

MAMA! Yo mama so nice, she gave me all of your birthday presents

Yo mama is so nice, she makes Martha Stewart look like a tool.

Yo mama's so full of joy and cheer, she put the detergent industry out of business.

Yo mama is so cute and cuddly, cats share pics of her.

Yo mama is so nice, she'd give me the hair off her back.

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Yo mama so nice, you should appreciate all the things she does for you.

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May 2017

Mira, WOW!

By Daria James

You could because you can, so you do…

I encountered one of those whippersnappers the other day, she was bragging about her weekends and how “lit up” she and her crew got. She then asked if I partake in any of those fun weekend recreational activities to which I courteously replied I was retired from the scene. She felt affronted for some reason, how dare I be not about that life no mo’?! I intentionally used the word retired to imply I was older.

The conversation went on and because she couldn’t leave well enough alone, she mockingly asked if I thought I was better now?! I can only be polite for so long and at that point I felt I had tried my best to remain wellmannered.

Subsequently, in a civilized style and with a slight smirk on my face, I replied with of course not! I think I am married now.

I could have moonwalked away, but my dance repertoire has restrictions.

I hate to sound antiquated, but I am not ok with the generation

behind me trying to trample all over my coolness. Those kids (Yes, I said it. I meant it. I am here to represent it.) they use all these apps to goof off with the same people. Trying to be famous is a goal now. Back in my day, viral meant you needed to rub your chest with vapor rub and eat caldo de res with a sprite. They lack skills worth recognition.

Remember when artists would pursue to be known for the substance in their work, they had a message, it came from the heart, they lived and had experience, and then fame followed? Gone are the days.

Back in my day, viral meant you needed to rub your chest with vapor rub and eat caldo de res with a sprite.

www.foolishtimes.net wash down the result. Like the Oktoberfest of life.

I try my best to not be on social media. Sometimes I succeed more than others, but sometimes I cannot like enough puppies on Instagram.

One of the things I do take pride in is my ability to not argue with strangers in social media.

I also do not leave comments on trends of public figures I do not like. My two cents will not make a difference because they are millionaires. Perhaps I should work on my self-esteem, is my opinion not that important!?

Maybe I need to bike more. Do not get me wrong, I get into quarrels with my friends all the time, that is because I know them, and we are just watering the plant of friendship. Really what are friends for if not to annoy with cute bitmojis.

My husband and I have artistic differences as well. He says he doesn’t make too much noise

when he is getting ready in the mornings, my ears and I disagree.

He says I spend too much money; I remind him I am a strong independent woman that no need no man. I make it rain, I get guacamole when I go to Chipotle, then he remembers how cranky I get when I am underfed (that was a blatant attempt at getting free burritos).

Nonetheless, we have worked out a couple of rough patches, hey!

The devil never sleeps; he can be enticing, if that fails, he will create chaos to muddy the waters. Be like Gloria Gaynor and grow strong!... or just drink Lemonade. Either way I raise my glass to being stuck with each other.

The other day someone told me, I was good with words, and I replied that was just one of the many talents my mouth possessed

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There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.

Nobody wants to be in the room where the sausage is made, they just have a beer ready to

It’s not about how good of a mom you are. It’s about how good you appear on Facebook

Answers on page 24

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Why Do the Jellyfish FOOL Treat Me Poorly?

on the

May 2017

CURB

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By Stacy Lininger

by Stefan Chapman My name is Thomas Anderson and ever since I was kid I’ve loved the Monterey Bay Aquarium. I loved handing my membership card off to the employees as they smiled and let me run inside.

The thrill of walking into the aquarium and seeing the otters being fed, running through the play area to see the penguins waddle, and seeing the sunfish lay on the floor was amazing. The only part of the aquarium that troubled me was the jellyfish.

Seeing the jellyfish float around me like angels that couldn’t quite make it to heaven was awe-inspiring.

The jellyfish never liked me.

When I was 10 years old I went into the jelly section of the aquarium. Seeing the jellyfish float around me like angels that couldn’t quite make it to heaven

was awe-inspiring. I remember getting my face up close to the glass separating me from the jellyfish world, and whispering, “I love you jellyfish.” To my amazement, the jellyfish began spelling something with their tentacles. They spelled out, “Suck it Thomas.” Being 10 years old I was confused. The jellies could sense that, and spelled out “Go home Thomas.” That’s when I knew they hated me.

I refused to visit the aquarium for months. When I went back I swore I would get back at the jellies. I spent months trying to come up with the best comeback imaginable. Since they don’t have a brain, bones or a heart it would be hard to break them down.

I came up with the best insult imaginable.

A metaphorical sting was laid on my heart. I knew how Steve Irwin felt that instant. I had been burned by my favorite subphylum.

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We had social networking in my day.

It was called “go outside and play”

1. What does only your mother know about you?

2. What do people express behind a computer that they wouldn’t in person?

3. If you were a fly on the wall, what would you be observing?

Carrie Snow 1. That I had a crazy mother who never apologized.

2. Rage, jealousy, and fear. So easy in your jammies.

3. Other flies.

Aprelle Pierce 1. Who my father was.

2. Addictive behaviors of all kinds.

3. I suppose I would be observing my environment.

Lee Durley 1. The actual time and circumstance under which I was conceived.

2. Their venomous, hateful, divisive political rhetoric.

3. The signing of a treaty bringing world peace and ending hunger.

Kenny Allison 1. There is more she doesn’t know than what she does know about me.

2. Literally and honestly, everything. Computers and social media are a glimpse of our inner thoughts.

3. The same thing I do now. How I am going to smother my face in that juicy steak you just cooked.

Melissa Pickford 1. That I cried for the first few minutes of every day of kindergarten. And that she is my favorite person in the whole world.

2. Rage at their beloved relatives who have opposing political viewpoints.

3. I’d like to hear what people who know they are dying say to their families.

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May 2017

THE ANSWER IS…the arts!

Spend any time on Facebook , Twitter or Instagram these days and you’re bound to run across a particularly incisive meme posted by a well-meaning supporter of the arts.

The meme attributes a quote to Winston Churchill, who, when he was supposedly asked what he thought about cutting funding to the arts to support the war effort, supposedly responded, “So what are we fighting for?”

The quote has been Snoped to death. Experts have pored through the 15 million published words he spoke, whispered, uttered, written, typed or scribbled and encased in the Churchill records. The International Churchill Society has been asked to weigh in.

As it turns out, no one anywhere has been able to dig up any record of Churchill actually saying it. A spokesman for the International Churchill Society told an intrepid Snopes investigator that the quote is “quite bogus.”

Fake news! Or, rather, fake meme! Too bad. It sounds like something Churchill might have said. Or, at the very least, it’s the sort of pithy, articulate thing that ought to be said by someone.

These days, the best we can expect from our leaders is articulated by someone named Mick Mulvaney, the current White House budget director.

Mulvaney was asked recently about the upcoming proposed federal budget, particularly

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about proposals that would completely eliminate the National Endowment for the Arts and the National Endowment for the Humanities, and end all funding to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, while delivering significant increases to defense and homeland security spending.

“Can we really continue to ask a coal miner in West Virginia or a single mom in Detroit to pay for these programs?” Mulvaney responded. “The answer was no. We can ask them to pay for defense and we will, but we can’t ask them to continue to pay for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.”

This assumes, of course, that the White House bothered to ask single moms and coal miners what they think.

The arts and humanities agencies were funded at about $148 million each last year. That sounds like a lot of money, but it’s merely a couple of bricks in a border wall compared to the country’s $4 trillion budget.

(Think 148 followed by six zeros in a budget of 4 followed by 12 zeros.)

The arts community has responded with alarm, to say the least.

www.foolishtimes.net Jane Chu, who chairs the National Endowment for the Arts, expressed disappointment, adding that, “We see our funding actively making a difference with individuals of all ages in thousands of communities, large, small, urban and rural, and in every Congressional District in the nation.”

Advocates for public investment in the arts contend that the pittance that has been spent on arts funding in the United States is an investment with proven dividends. Americans for the Arts, an advocacy group, says that NEA’s annual appropriation supports an arts and culture industry worth $730 billion. The arts provide 4.8 million jobs and result in a $26 billion trade surplus for the country, according to a study conducted by the group.

In any case, your wellintentioned Facebook friends might be spreading fake memes when it comes to the Winston Churchill posting, but there’s little doubt where the wise-cracking, cigar-chomping statesman stood about public support for the arts.

“The arts are essential to any complete national life,” he said, back in 1938, some years before England’s engagement in World War II. “The state owes it to itself to sustain and encourage them. Ill fares the race which fails to salute the arts with the reverence and delight which are their due.”

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May 2017 to reflect on his behavior.

Perspective

By Chuck Shepherd

TP Goes High Tech • China’s public-park restrooms have for years suffered toiletpaper theft by local residents who raid dispensers for their own homes (a cultural habit, wrote Hong Kong’s South China Morning Post, expressing taxpayer feelings of “owning” public facilities), but the government recently fought back with technology. At Beijing’s popular Temple of Heaven park, dispensers now have facialrecognition scanners beside the six toilets, with pre-cut paper (about 24 inches long) issued only to users who pose for a picture.

(Just one slug of paper can be dispensed to the same face in a 9-minute period, catastrophic for the diarrhea-stricken and requiring calling an attendant to override the machine.)

Latest Religious Messages • The church-state “wall” leaks badly in Spindale, North Carolina, according to former members of the Word of Faith Fellowship (reported in February by the Associated Press). Two state prosecutors (one a relative of the church’s founder), in nearby Burke and Rutherford counties, allegedly coached Fellowship members and leaders how to neutralize government investigations into church “abuse”—coaching that would violate state law and attorney ethical standards.

Fellowship officials have been

accused of beating “misbehaving” congregants, including children, in order to repel their demons.

(Among the Fellowship’s edicts revealed in the AP report: All dating, marriages and procreation subject to approval; no weddingnight intimacy beyond a “godly” cheek kiss; subsequent marital sex limited to 30 minutes, no foreplay, lights off, missionary position.)

• Babies born on the Indonesian island of Bali are still today treated regally under an obscure Hindu tradition, according to a February New York Times report, and must not be allowed to touch the earth for 105 days (in some areas, 210). (Carrying the infant in a bucket and setting that on the ground is apparently acceptable.)

Each birth is actually a re-birth, they say, with ancestors returning as their own descendants.

(Accidentally touching the ground does not condemn the baby, but may leave questions about negative influences.)

• Catholic priest Juan Carlos Martinez, 40, apologized shortly after realizing, as he said, he had gone “too far” in celebrating March’s Carnival in a town in the Galicia area of Spain—that he acted inappropriately in dressing as Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner, reclining on a red satin sheet on a parade float carrying men dressed as classic Playboy “Bunnies.” Despite apparent public support for Father Martinez, his Archbishop asked him to attend a “spiritual retreat”

• The U.S. House of Representatives, demonstrating particular concern for military veterans, enhanced vets’ civil rights in March by removing a source of delay in gun purchases.

A 2007 law had required all federal agencies to enter any mentally-ill clients into the National Instant Criminal Background Check database for gun purchases, but the new bill exempts veterans (including, per VA estimates, 19,000 schizophrenics and 15,000 with “severe” post-traumatic stress syndrome). (An average of a dozen veterans a day in recent times have committed suicide with guns.)

Fine Points of the Law • Police and prosecutors in Williamsburg, Virginia, are absolutely certain that Oswaldo Martinez raped and killed a teenage girl in 2005, but, though he was quickly arrested, they have —12 years later—not even put him on trial. Martinez, then 33, is still apparently, genuinely (i.e., not faking) deaf, illiterate and almost mute, and besides that, the undocumented Salvadoran immigrant has such limited intelligence that test after test has shown him incapable of understanding his legal rights, and therefore “incompetent” to stand trial. (Police made multiple “slam dunk” findings of Martinez’s DNA on the victim’s body and also linked Martinez via a store camera to the very bottle of juice left at the crime scene.)

Eyewitness News • On the morning of March 20 in Winter Park, Florida, Charles Howard, standing outside his home being interviewed live by a WFTV reporter, denied he had

17

committed a crime in a widely reported series of voicemail messages to a U.S. Congressman, containing threats to “wrap a rope around your neck and hang you from a lamp post.” He boasted that “proof” of his having done nothing wrong was that if he had, he would have already been arrested. “Three minutes later,” according to the reporter, agents drove up and arrested Howard.

People Different From Us • Hey, How About a Little “Remorse”: Royce Atkins, 23, told the judge in Northampton County (Pennsylvania) in March that he was so sorry he did not stop his car in 2015 and help that 9-yearold boy he had just hit and killed.

However, Atkins had earlier been jailhouse-recorded viciously trash-talking the boy’s family for “reacting like they’re the victims.

What about my family? My family is the victim, too.” (Atkins got a four-year sentence.)

• In February, in a Wayne County (Michigan) court during sentencing for a DUI driver who had killed a man and severely injured his fiancee, Judge Qiana Lillard kicked the driver’s mother out of the courtroom for laughing at the victim’s sister who was tearfully addressing the judge.

(Lillard sentenced the mother to 93 days for contempt, but later reduced it to one day).

The Passing Parade • A 23-year-old Albuquerque woman performed cartwheels instead of a standard field sobriety test at a DUI stop in February, but she did poorly and was charged anyway. On the other hand, student Blayk Puckett, stopped

by University of Central Arkansas police, helped shield himself from a DUI by juggling for the officer.

Copyright 2017 Chuck Shepherd; Distributed by Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500.

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May 2017

STACY TALKS TO COMICS

By Stacy Lininger

Meet Ty Barnett

SL: If you could communicate one message with your comedy, what would it be?

TY: Relatable, conversational... slightly “edgy” and thought provoking.

SL: Can I get an example?

TY: Being able to talk about tough topics (race, religion, politics, etc.) with a delivery that feels like it’s just your “friend” hanging out with you. Talking about Trump, in a room with some of his supporters...and STILL getting them to laugh.

SL: I was hoping to get a joke out of you, or does that require a cover charge? So you want your work to unify people, not divide them?

TY: Pretty much, I’m a huge fan of comedians like Pryor, Chapelle because they’re able to bridge so many social and cultural gaps with their comedy. As far as a “joke,” “If you’re white and voted for Trump, I feel there is any number of reasons you’d vote for him. If you’re black and voted for Trump, I feel like, who hurt you??” How do you brag about GRABBING ##@@* then become PRESIDENT?? Those are words that should NEVER go together... like “crackhead and scholar.”

SL: What is a comic’s comic?

TY: Someone who may not ALWAYS get the audience to laugh but other comedians love and respect their work.

SL: Who is your favorite?

TY: Of all time, Pryor. But I remember seeing Brian Regan and being amazed how funny he was.

SL: What makes you laugh?

TY: Witty humor. Anything where the joke is subtle but the meaning is deeper. Eddie Murphy said, “It’s amazing how much ONE word can change things. Could you imagine if Martin Luther King Jr. said “I have a HUNCH?” I love Oldschool humor too, “Vacation” is STILL one of my favorite movies!

I’ve seen it more times than I can count. The innuendo is what balances the slap stick parts.

SL: Does comedy facilitate truth?

TY: It SHOULD. Whether it does, every time, is another story.

I think some of the funniest material, comes from truth.

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SL: Does it take courage to be funny?

TY: Yes...especially nowadays.

Everyone is hypersensitive, so your WORDS hold more weight.

To be able to express yourself and get a laugh takes a LOT. SL: Do you have any upcoming shows you’d like to plug?

Is there anything else you’d like to add?

TY: My “DIVIDED COMEDY TOUR” with Ian Harris, (Kelso, WA. 4/20, Salem, OR. 4/21 and Bend, OR. 4/22). And I’m recording a new CD at the Comedy Underground in Seattle (May 4-6).

Thanks for the interview! Have a great night. Take care.

SL: Thank YOU. Great interview.

www.comediantybarnett.com

There was a bar right next door to a cemetery.

One winter night a drunk stumbled out of the bar and wasn’t careful where he was going and he fell into a freshly dug grave.

“Help”, He screamed, “I’m freezing!”

He was heard by another drunk who said, “Of course you are”. “You kicked off all of the dirt they had covered you with!”

Tony & Sara are the owners and your hosts at the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be delighted by their hospitality and humor.

www.foolishtimes.net

Standing in Line

By Debbie Harris Standing in line is a part of life.

We can try to reduce the amount of time doing it, but there are places we’ll go where we just won’t be able to avoid it.

Some people who wait in line are firmly focused on the task at hand, sometimes even cranky.

They may be looking at their phones to see what more exciting things their friends are doing and posting on Facebook. If you talk to focused people, they wince as if they are having a tooth filled without Novocaine and may not even respond. They want to be done with that line and out the door.

Other people are friendly or chatty, at various levels. My mother is an uber-chatter. She doesn’t get out much, so when she does, she talks to everyone, sniffing and commenting on the cashier’s perfume, talking about what she’s going to do with her groceries, and announcing the nickname of her blue cane (Matt—after Giant’s pitcher, Matt Cain). I’ve seen veins bulge in the foreheads of focused people behind my mother in line. This chatty woman is prolonging their pain.

If you resist a nap, are you resisting a rest?

If I’m not in a hurry, I tend to be chatty, but I sense the mood of the people around me and don’t invade where I perceive I’m not welcome. Even if I don’t chat, standing in line can provide me with some interesting observations and stories.

I’ve seen veins bulge in the foreheads of focused people behind my mother in line.

Last year I was behind a woman at CVS who bought several bottles of a high cost brand name shampoo and a few other personal grooming products.

I wondered why she needed so much shampoo. She had a daughter about 4 years old with her, but I wondered if she had a lot more children at home. Was that product on sale? Was she stocking up for some reason? After ringing up the product, the cashier began scanning the coupons that the woman brought. And scanning and scanning, and scanning.

Then the woman brought out CVS Extra-Bucks and “boop, boop, boop, boop,” the balance the woman had to pay for all her shampoo was about $4—the tax.

As a frugal couponer, I nearly bowed to her greatness. I’d never made a score like that with any purchase, and I’d made some good ones. A bargain queen in my book.

A few years ago in line at the 99 Cent store there was a woman behind me talking loudly on

her cell phone, laughing as she described how she’d tried to dump off her dog in a residential neighborhood, but someone recognized the dog as hers and called her to get it. I looked back toward her and saw the one item she had on the check out conveyor belt. A product from Massengil—a douche. Apropos.

Once I stood in a long, slow line at Walmart, well, more than once, but on this particular occasion, a young man whose age I guessed to be about 18 or 19 was ahead of me, also waiting. His only purchase was a package of white socks. He must really need those socks, I thought and even commented

19

May 2017 to him that it was too bad he had to wait so long just to buy some socks. He didn’t respond.

I saw the more compelling reason why he’d waited when the cashier began to ring up his purchase. Underneath the socks was a package of condoms.

Ah, purchases for covering appendages. Good job!

In the early months of my marriage, I had a part-time job as a cashier at a now renamed drug store. I still remember one man who came through my line because of what he purchased— three items only: “Cocktails for Two,” condoms, and a pack of cigarettes. There’s your evening!

So if you get stuck standing in line, feel free to be cranky or chatty, or even bring a copy of Foolish Times with you to read.

And Happy Mother’s Day!

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May 2017

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Quotes from

DON RICKLES LIFE BEFORE SHOW BUSINESS

Q: What is the difference between a Warriors fan and a baby?

A: The baby will stop whining after a while.

Q: Why can't you stay mad at the Warriors?

A: Because Everybody Loves Draymond.

Q: What do Warriors listen to after signing a free agent?

A: Durant, Durant.

Q: What do you call the Warriors without the splash brothers?

A: The 76ers.

Q: How many Warriors players does it take to change a tire?

A: One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up.

GO DUBS!

ELIZABETH TAYLOR

“Show business is my life. When I was a kid I sold insurance, but nobody laughed.”

“Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.”

BEING FUNNY

LAS VEGAS

“Some people say funny things, but I say things funny.”

STRUGGLING “Struggling is hard because you never know what’s at the end of the tunnel.”

THE INNATE NATURE OF COMEDY “You can’t study comedy; it’s within you. It’s a personality. My humor is an attitude.”

THERAPY “I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He’d just pick up the couch and walk out of the room.”

FRANK SINATRA

“The thing I love about Vegas is that it’s a melting pot. It’s like working Ellis Island.”

WHAT’S FUNNY “If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn’t be funny, there is a difference between an actual insult and just having fun.”

BRINGING YOUR A-GAME “You throw your best punch— otherwise, don’t do it.”

ITALIANS “Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley while singing an opera.”

GOLF

TECHNOLOGY

“I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I’d always stink. And that’s when I really started to enjoy the game.”

“Smartphones. Who cares?

Smartphones. I only have dummy phones.”

POWER OF POSITIVE THINKING

“When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don’t mind, but he has it in his back pocket.”

ROOM SERVICE “Room service is great if you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich.”

“Whatever you do to gain success, you have to hang in there and hope good things happen. Always think positive.”

www.foolishtimes.net

Greeter of the Human Race ….continued

By Laura “LA” Sottile Hello Campers, Trekkers, Lodgers, Groupers, Tenders, Fighters, Goosers, Winders, Stoogers, Bloggers, Foggers, Mooers, Shruggers, Slackers, Flushers, Storers, Forward Leaners, Nodders, Skimmers, Pointers, Releasers, Moisteners, Pressers, Agree-ers, Keepers, Glossers, Stillers, Blinkers, Glowers, Toners, Tinglers, Risers, Clenchers, welcome to the GHR’s Daily Insult.

Formula: (The daily grind PLUS the Daily trials = the Daily insult) Tuning in ~ GHR here ~ Static ~ DAILY INSULT ~ Static ~ Static This is my first favorite. It’s all good! Again, It’s all good!

It couldn’t possibly be all good otherwise the universe would have no polarity and there wouldn’t be enough juice to pull you from your ears. You could seriously be forever floating in the gravitational atmosphere of ambivalence. Its All Good is not even a complete sentence. It’s All Good sprang out of a desperate need to brush off any daily insults such as meteors being flung in front of you on the freeway while simply trying to enjoy an afternoon buggy ride. Or handicap marked vehicles are weaving in and out of the lanes to get ahead!

Or you thought while sitting on the bench, the nice person next to you was striking up a conversation with you! Instead they were having a heart to heart with their Chihuahua named Gunther.

Or simply that everything has a reason for being. A metaphysical aberration that is trying to blunt the blow of the unknown which we try to avoid like the plague.

When we do avoid the obvious least path of resistance, we feel the powerlessness cover us like molasses.

The wheels grinding screech becomes the spokesperson for the digested rot. Inside you believe you are not worthy of a change. You procrastinate the inevitable. Human nature is the MOST reasonably unreasonable predictability. The next spin on the wheel is the delicious guilt oozing like tar that seals all apertures leading to your internal freedom. Finding the key can be unlocking a black hole and IT’S ALL GOOD is NOT the KEY.

You could seriously be forever floating in the gravitational atmosphere of ambivalence.

What about IT’S ALL GOOD… for ME! What about the damn whole of us? This brings me to the conclusion that this verbiage is solely to smooth out the crusty Phyllo edges of reality that reveal the true nature of nature.

Otherwise, where would the chaos theory be? Likely to be thrown out onto the factory floor, and made into a cheap pair of Genes.

Penny Arcay: JEANS..that is I could make you change you into nickel… …A factory where the DAILY GRIND grinds and snatches your shirt tail in the spokes of its ceaseless hunger machine and consumes you and you become human Taffy. IT’S ALL GOOD! Your uniform shirt is ripped your

hands are bleeding from gripping the tug of war with your soul and your next brew pub date.

Exhausted from appeasing to the overall mechanism to feed the status quo. It’s a Catch 22, or something is certainly catching.

But, It’s ALL GOOD is not catchy.

Shakespeare had it right ALL IS WELL THAT ENDS WELL. A risky enterprise is justified so long as it turns out well in the end.

Now there we are, RISK! Yes, something alive and exhaling hot air.

The daily insult is asking you if you want the comfort of the familiar grind and wait for the next paycheck to buy a new shirt? Will the chorus begin?

Don’t let the circle be unbroken!

EVERYBODY NOW! Don’t let the circle be unbroken………

But, but, but, then all those self-help books, hours of exercise, colonics, coaching seminars, mud baths, tarot readings, and silent retreats where you could only bark like a dog if you wanted to express fear. Not to mention the nudist camps where you wore plastic seaweed from the pool to cover up your essentials.

May 2017

21

ALL THIS PREP so you don’t get scratches, scrapes, bruises, puncture wounds, and scars, then where is the fun!

To be clear, a risk does not mean putting others at risk for your own gain. Unlike what Trumpy Dumpy is doing by setting us up for a big fall.

It must be your RISK alone and until that glory day when your trophy is fastened onto a large barge as a mermaid figurehead bobbling in approval, then and only then can you drown all your fellow fools along with you, a seaworthy tale, indeed.

The Daily Insult, doesn’t that feel different now. Does it? The Daily Insult, a tickler. The Daily Insult is there to nudge us towards the precipice of a new courageous feat. We can choose the grind, coarse, medium, fine, extra fine or Turkish. They are all grinds that bind us to the great center of the Tootsie Roll and to some greater purpose. So we may as well do the task we can most basque in.

Penny Arcay: It’s ALL GOOD LaLaugh Productions Performer / Published Author lalaugh6@gmail.com

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If I go missing, follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I hide.

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May 2017

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Yesterday’s Kid

By Ted Gargiulo

Q: How do all the oceans say hello to each other?

They wave!

Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?

I’ll meet you at the corner!

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear!

Q: How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed?

Your head hits the ceiling!

Q: Why are elephants so wrinkled?

Because they take too long to iron!

Q: How do you keep an elephant from charging?

Take away her credit card!

Q: Why did the elephant paint himself different colors?

So he could hide in the crayon box!

Q: What is the difference between elephants and grapes?

Grapes are purple.

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef!

Wanna know the one dream (other than being Superman) that captivated me the most as a child?

Growing older. I wanted to be an adult. Now, there was a target I couldn’t possibly miss! Elders kept assuring me that there was time enough for that. Adulthood was a lifelong journey from which there was no reprieve or turning back, they said, and I should enjoy my youth while I still had it.

Somehow, I wasn’t convinced.

Unlike most career goals in life, I figured that growing older required no special skills.

Qualities like maturity and sound judgment, I assumed, would come of themselves, naturally, like age lines and liver spots. Mainly, virtual adulthood was a state of mind that I could cultivate and savor right then and there. It gave me a sense of pride to view myself in a rarer, nobler light than others of my generation.

“Really, Teddy,” my folks would say, “you’ve got to quit hanging around grownups all day and spend more time with boys and girls your own age.”

Get real! There were no kids MY age, certainly no one worthy

of MY company, and I resented being lumped together with them. Not only did I not like

Once, I tried to slip away to the adult section, but an usher apprehended me and ordered me back into the zoo with my so-called peers. other kids; I couldn’t stand being one. To be thought of as a child was so…humiliating. Or so I would have said, had my as yet undeveloped mind understood what “humiliating” meant. I remember, when I was 10 or 11, how the local butcher would greet me with a cheery “Hiya, big boy!” every time I shopped there for my mom. Made me cringe. “Big boy?”

How patronizing! (Another word I didn’t learn till I was older.)

But that’s nothing compared the ordeal I endured at the local

Men and the best people to share secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t listening.

movie theater. Due to my age and physical appearance, the management would require me to sit—get this: in the children’s section! Imagine, sticking ME, of all people, with those noisy, rambunctious brats, simply because I wasn’t accompanied by a parent! What need had I, Teddy Gargiulo Jr., of adult supervision?

And how was a serious patron of the arts like me supposed to enjoy “Hercules Unchained” with all those unsupervised, snotnose cretins screaming and running their mouths and making such a racket, I couldn’t hear the movie? Once, I tried to slip away to the adult section, but an usher apprehended me and ordered me back into the zoo with my socalled peers. I wanted to say, “But sir, don’t you realize who I am?”

Damn that baby face of mine!

If only I didn’t look 12! Just you wait!

Nowadays, people say to me, “Y’know, Ted, you’d look a lot younger if you shaved that beard.”

My response: “Why the heck should I do that? It took me my whole life to attain this age. Don’t deny me my reward. If I’m not commensurately wiser now than I was 50-60 years ago, I should at least get credit for the time I’ve served.”

Do I miss my youth? Nope.

I’ve been watching myself age for years, and I’m still fascinated with the progress. Behold, a childhood wish fulfilling itself right before my eyes! Thus, when I look in the mirror today, I see more than just a senior. I see yesterday’s kid who finally got older.

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May 2017

Even a

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A well-established surgeon, lecturing at a local college to pre-med students, was asked what makes a good patient.

“By far the best patients are lawyersthey have no heart, no spine, little guts, and the head and butt are fully interchangeable!”

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Hi, I’m a Mom. My hobbies include making food that no one eats and counting to three.

I enjoy long walks to the bathroom by myself and a rare moment when I get to watch a show that’s not animated.

I also love wine. I really love wine.

Guide to Local Businesses & Services TRANSPORTATION Freedom Medical Transportation

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831.920.0687 freedommedicaltransportation.com

TINY HOUSES Affordable Housing in Monterey County. Design, Construction, Zoning/Building Code Compliance, Advocacy, Investment.

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AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com

AUTO DETAIL HORTICULTURE SUPPLIES Mont. Bay Horticulture Supply Grow with us! We have the products and knowledge to Help your garden be the envy of the neighborhood. Indoor and outdoor growing specialists.

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May 2017 Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?

A: I’ll tell you tomorrow.

Q: Why can’t the blonde make ice cubes?

A: She lost the recipe.

Q: What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?

A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?

A: “Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?”

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?

A: Grade four.

Q: Why won’t they hire a blonde pharmacist?

A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?

A: 144 blondes.

Why we should drink at work: It’s an incentive to show up.

It leads to more honest communications.

Q: How do you hit a blonde so she will never

know it?

A: With a thought.

Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?

A: The noise gave her a headache.

Q: How does a blond know if she’s on her way home or on her way to work?

A: She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it.

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?

A: Knock on the door.

Q: What stops then goes then stops then goes?

A: A blonde at a blinking red light.

Q: Did you hear about Pepsi’s new soda just for blondes?

A: It has open other end printed on the bottom.

It encourages carpooling.

If you have a bad job you don't care.

Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

Q: Why do blondes always rapidly flap their hands towards theirs ears?

A: They’re refueling.

Q: Why did the blonde purchase an AM radio?

A: She didn’t want one for nights.

Q: What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?

A: Her husband is out looking for the other man.

Q: Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet?

A: She was last year’s hide and seek winner.

Q: What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water?

A: A blonde trying to put it out.

Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?

A: To get chocolate milk.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a brand new PC? A: A dumb terminal.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand?

A: So brunettes can understand them.

Q: There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn’t they get in?

A: The sign said must be 18 to enter.

Q: Why are there no brunette jokes?

A: Because blondes would have to think them up.

It reduces complaints about low pay.

It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

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If humans evolved from dinosaurs, how do you explain dragons?

Q: How does a blonde make instant pudding?

A: She places the box in the microwave and looks for the instant pudding setting button.

www.californiarootsestival.com

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May 2017

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May 4

May 14

May 19-21

Star Wars Day

Mother’s Day

Spring Classic

May the fourth be with you.

May 5

Cinco de Mayo

Celebrate Mexico’s 1862 victory over France in the battle of Pueblo.

We all have a mother who gave us Life loves us unconditionally.

Call your Mother today!

May 10

Mother’s Day

Feliz Dia Las Madres

May 5

First Friday Art Walk

May 18

John Maxwell

By popular demand, this popular musician returns for an evening of Blues and Bluegrass. pinkflamingotheater.org

The county’s longest continuous running (or strolling) art walk.

Oldtown truly comes alive. www.1stfridays.org

May 6

Steinbeck Home Brew Fest

A street fair celebrating amateur home brewers. Music, food and good times in Oldtown. www.steinbeckrotary.org

May 6

A cultural festival that starts with a procession down Alvarado St highlighting our rich international affairs capabilities, as well as our Sister City relationships. www.lcowfest.com

Carmel Art Festival

Enjoy a few inspiring days of art appreciation strolling through Carmel. www.carmelartfestival california.com

May is National Salad Month

May 12

Monterey Pop

Who knew that 50 years later, we would be celebrating one of the most iconic line-ups in music history. And it happened in Monterey. D.A. Pennebaker ‘s acclaimed documentary highlights the evening. www.goldenstatetheatre.com

May 18-21

Salinas Valley Fair

Enjoy the atmosphere of an oldfashioned county fair, complete with carnival, bull-riding, crafts, 4-H exhibits, music and more. www.salinasvalleyfair.com

On any given day, they outnumber us locals. Vacations are too frequent while every day for us is a staycation. We live in a special place.

Language Capital of the World

May 19-21

May 21

National Tourist Appreciation Day

May 7

Laguna Seca hosts three days of vintage racing showcasing cars from several eras. www.mazdaraceway.com

Stop by the California Welcome Center in Salinas or Welcome Center in Soledad for a free bag of local fruits and vegetables.

May 26

Hot Cars, Cool Nights

May 13

Monterey Blues Fest

The Blues are back in Monterey.

Harmonica great, Charlie Musselwhite headlines a fun day. www.Montereyinternational bluesfestival.com

May 19

Bike to Work Day

Get some exercise, save some gas.

See all the things you miss when driving in a car.

Echo Ave in Seaside is the place to be for an American Graffiti moment. www.goldcoastrods.org

May 26-28

California Roots Festival

The biggest music festival in Monterey County kicks off the summer season.

Californiarootsfestival.com

May 2017

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VIRGINIA LOCKWOOD MEACHUM

REALTOR®

Property Management

BRE # 01297223

Business (831) 384-6565 Cell (831) 224-3044 Fax (831) 384-4224 vmeachum@gmail.com MARINA BEACH REAL ESTATE 222 Reservation Road Marina, CA 93933 www.MarinaBeachRealEstate.net

To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038

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