June 2016
2
June 2016
www.foolishtimes.net
June 2016
What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator
List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool..............................Hunter T. Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool......................Jonah Dee
Contributors
Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Ted Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Daria James, Rex Keyes, Stephen L. Millich, David Schmidt, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Monty Truitt
The Chucklehead Speaks
Editor’s Note
Finding out at age six that Santa Claus didn’t really exist was my first traumatic experience. Growing up was going to be harder than I thought. The next huge kick in the butt from life was when I realized that beer was not just for breakfast anymore! Who’s in charge of the rules committee and why didn’t I get the memo? Beer went from Archie Bunker’s buddy’s beverage of choice to today’s beer drinker who has normal hygiene habits and pedigree diplomas. Why is this explosion of tapping kegs? In the ‘80s it was imported beer. Today, it’s local craft beers hitting the market tasting better and appealing with more variety to offer something to everyone. For those of us who grew up drinking beer, this is a real treat. We wet our young whistles by stealing our Dad’s lousy tasting suds and fooled ourselves that we liked it. What we like today is local craft beer that is for lack of better terms, “Delicious!” In these pages we talked and drank with the local heroes of craft beer in Monterey County. Move over wine makers, craft beer makers are the new cool kids in town!
What would summertime here on the Central Coast be like without our June gloom? Even if the skies are gray, our skies are going to clear-up, so put on a happy face! And we’re here to help, with pages and pages of ha-ha’s that will make you smile and laugh out loud. With knock knock, blonde and relationship jokes, you’ll never be at a loss for something to say. They’re great conversation starters (we’re family friendly, so no conversation enders!).
Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net
Spread sunshine all over the place!
Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net
Foolish Times
P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942
831.648.1038
www.foolishtimes.net
3
4
June 2016
www.foolishtimes.net Telegram to husband: Wife dead. Bury or cremate? Man: Take no chances. Burn, then bury ashes. *** A man noticed his credit card has been stolen - but he never reported it because the thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.
A commercial boasted that its product could help people live pain-free in their golden years. “Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked. “Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.” ***
“Are you mad? I barely know the woman!” *** What four words are guaranteed to depress a husband anytime, anywhere? ‘Hold my purse honey.’
A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.” “Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband. “It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.” ***
***
A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, Roger, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her … Why can’t you do the same?”
In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.
I’ve just had a really big row with my wife about going on holiday. I wanted to go to Paris; she wanted to come with me. ***
***
Q: Have you ever seen a catfish? A: No. How did he hold the rod and reel?
“Honey what do you love most about me? My honed body or my charming face?” “Your sense of humor.” ***
SeasideAutoDealers.com
www.foolishtimes.net
June 2016
5
it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations
CAFÉ Bay Café & Cantina Best breakfast & lunch. Pet friendly garden patio. Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea. Locals & military discounts 55 Camino Aguajito, Monterey www.baycafeandcantina.com
DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience. 429 Alvarado St Monterey 831.3331288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com
SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy
FAST FOOD
BREAKFAST
If food were fast, we would all be running after it.
First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net
PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038
ITALIAN
PUBS
Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 16th anniversary. 7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by award-winning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
INDIAN Avatar Serving memorable and flavorful meals that speak of India in their preparation, aromas and presentation in a casual setting. Creekbridge Plaza, Salinas 831.443.2156 www.avatarindiangrill.com
SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/ bar available. 1425 Munrus Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com
6
June 2016
www.foolishtimes.net
We know who drank it, who said it? 1. “Beer’s intellectual. What a shame so many idiots drink it.” A) Ray Bradbury B) Henry at the Post Office C) Albert Einstein
2. “He was a wise man who invented beer.” A) Plato B) Confucius C) The day workers at Home Depot
3. “I’ve only been in love with a beer bottle and a mirror.”
COOL
WEBSITES MontereyBayPets.com
MontereyBayChurches.com MontereyBayServices.com MontereyBayMotorcycles.com
A) Marilyn Monroe B) Sid Vicious C) My ex-girlfriend
4. “Most people hate the taste of beer—to begin with. It is, however, a prejudice.” A) Lady Gaga B) President Obama C) Winston Churchhill
5. “Beer, if drunk in moderation, softens the temper, cheers the spirit and promotes health.” A) Thomas Jefferson B) Big Mike at The Sardine Factory C) My doctor
6. “There is no such thing as a bad beer. It’s that some taste better than others.” A) June Carter B) Bill Carter C) Jimmy Carter
7. “A man who lies about beer makes enemies.” A) Don King B) Stephen King C) My attorney
8. “I have respect for beer.” A) Hillary Clinton B) Jonny Manziel C) Russell Crowe
9. “Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.” A) Adolf Hitler B) Kaiser Wilhelm C) Donald Trump
10. “Beer, it’s the best damn drink in the world.” A) Pedro at Chili’s B) Jack Nicholson C) Monterey Water District
MontereyBayBusinessHelp.com MontereyBayHealth.com MontereyBaySports.com MontereyBayRecreation.com MontereyBayNonProfits.com MontereyBayGoGreen.com MontereyBayBayLegal.com MontereyBayTransportation.com For a complete list of our Websites go to:
www.MontereyBayCoolWebsites.com Created, Designed and Provided by the:
Seaside, Sand City, Del Rey Oaks & Monterey Chambers of Commerce
Info@TheChamberOffice.org www.YourChambersOfCommerce.org 505 Broadway Ave., Seaside • (831) 394-6501
Answers 1A 2A 3B 4C 5A 6B 7B 8C 9B 10B
www.foolishtimes.net
June 2016
Comments Welcome: lalaugh6@gmail.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram Everybody gets it that you’re courageous enough to hold the sky! Rumor has it, it’s a bit fatiguing. Question is were you on a scenic drive or witness to a murder, or was that a mutter? What side of the story are you on West side or East? I guess in this case what matters is what you are willing to utter.
Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion “Here Ye! Here Ye! A great crowd of courtiers and servants are intoxicated from your exuberant gooblie goo-ie-ness. They respond with buffoonery hoping to engage and gain your approval. When you are a pet you are a pet all the way from your first Kingy pooh to your last Queenie day.
Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Make it not be true that blowing your nose on your sleeve is an optimistic option for you. I know you’ve stuck to your own kind...of manner, your signature sway, your right-of-way and all a fair fight. You’ve made it thus far without losing your shirt, so stop sniveling ‘cause you’re the boss, just an arm’s length away.
Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Dependable from your first pirouette until your last dying day! Which is thicker your head or that accent you put on situations that don’t directly affect you. Let the heads twirl where they may and carefully surmise what it is that you really want! Then Go-Go!
Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin Your sublime conscientiousness has extended the longest day of the year into an all day sucker. Your painstaking big decision has blocked the night and left some of us more rumpus bumpus fools searching for the morning star to guide us someday, somewhere, somehow to tomorrow!
Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat There’s a Rumble! And it’s not in your stomach. You’ve got a rocket in your pocket ready to bust like a hot water pipe! Steady now, steadiness is your strength... Unwind, easy does it, play it cool. Accepting your limitations keeps you well protected. Tap into that good deep inside you and Pow Pow out of danger.
Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins Psst! Gem-Mambo...You are the Top Cat in town so let’s get crackin’ by dressing up sweet and sharp. Life is only a dance! Best to see LIFE as de big picture, udderwise your scurrying knee deep in the Poopla! Hows ‘bout some lousy goat cheese & soda pop for your birthday?! Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Honest Ernest Hemingway, a Cancer just like you was loyal as a door in your face. You gotta love that kind of trueness. You may call upon your war/love council for this next chapter. Because you’re drifting diagonally towards a steamboat that you can get on or get lost!
Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Beat the crud out a dem! How charming waving rocks, belts, bricks, blades & guns to claim your side of the street. Perhaps, finding a new way of living, a new way of forgiving all those ruckus out of balance fools may be just the bullet to bite. Call it a work in progress. Now beat it! Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpions Who knows…something’s coming...something good, just by holding still you can touch your excitement. Keep your hands visible though, you’re in public view. Romeo & Juliet, Tony & Maria eventually evolved into the party of Bob, Carol, Ted, & Alice, no doubt there is a place for all of us.
Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier the Watercarrier You planted yourself on
7
By Bini the other team’s turf, so be it! Even just a word can do that. Snap, snap out of it. You are in an advanced state of shock! Use the back door just this once, consider it an intermission to high definition. Switch to whistling cues when you’re on the outside and remember the simple rule: Keep off the grass. Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes M-a-r-i-a, Maria say it softly and it’s almost like praying...or is it Mariah? Either way society will always be plagued with decisions such as these. Your special business is compassion, but for now minus the “com”. You need to amp it up-kick it, stick it, drop it, f*ck it! How wonderful a sound can be. Listen if Chino can shop @ Chico’s, you can certainly own your hour of power and make your imagination reel!
8
June 2016
www.foolishtimes.net
For Once in My LIFE By Rosie Sorenson There must have been a Harmonic Convergence or a return of Halley’s Comet or some astrological cataclysm today, because I just found out I’m a fashion plate and didn’t even know it. Shut the front door! There I was, sitting at my computer, wearing my work uniform of black knit pants and the heather gray sweatshirt I bought in London’s Camden Town in 1997. Still looks like new. I opened the latest email newsletter from “Lenny,” created by Lena Dunham, the writer, producer/director of the TV show, “Girls.” I read quickly through the introduction and stumbled across the word “normcore.” I promptly Googled it and found an article on the Vogue-UK Website describing this latest “trend.” Which is really not a trend. The article was accompanied by photos of people wearing my favorite non-designer clothes: jeans, t-shirts, sneakers with no labels and plain black fanny packs. For these the label normcore was created. Leave it to the fashion industry to co-opt my “look” and the “looks” of millions of us, which is to say, those of us who don’t
think much about our “look.” The Kardashians have a “look.” I have, according to the article, “high-end pedestrian dressing.” Although in my case it’s more low than high.
Leave it to the fashion industry to co-opt my look and the looks of millions of us. The writer of the article goes on to quote the New York trend agency, K-Hole’s publication, Youth Mode: “Normcore doesn’t want the freedom to become someone . . . Normcore moves away from a coolness that relies on difference to a post-authenticity that opt into sameness.” I’d like to know in what MFA program that author learned to write such a strangled, tangled seaweed of a sentence. Do you get the feeling the fashion industry is trying a bit too hard? Like they’re running out of fads so now they have to poach the way millions of us dress every day? So they can steal the look, raise prices on ordinary garments and
831.277.3636
gouge us ever more? Ah, capitalism. No one ever said it was pretty. The article continues with a quote from designer Richard Nicoll: “I’ve been inspired recently by my idea of The Special Normal and The Perfect Boring. Trusty wardrobe staples that last but have something unique and personal. . . . “Normcore says, ‘I have soul and intelligence. I’m unique and I don’t need to shout about it.’” Reminds me of Al Franken’s Saturday Night Live character, Stuart Smalley, who stands before a mirror and says, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and doggone it, people like me!” If
you say it often enough, it might become true. But wait. Now that I look more carefully at the article, I see that it was published in 2014. Oh no. For the amount of time it took me to drink a cup of coffee and read the article, I was “in,” I was “hip.” I was normcore. Now I’m just another trend, come and gone. Back to being plain old boring. Sigh. That’s OK. The stress of keeping up with normcore was killing me. Rosie Sorenson, MA, MFT, an awardwinning author, has written a new book: What Republican Men Know About Women. Copies are $8.00, plus $2.00 S&H. She is also the author of They Had Me at Meow: Tails of Love from the Homeless Cats of Buster Hollow; www.theyhadmeatmeow.com
SeasideAutoDealers.com
How to Make Your Work Day Less Stressful
Offer Feedback Praise and recognize others that are doing all the work
Manage Your Email Can you say, “Delete.” You don’t read or respond to them anyway!
Socialize at Work Start planning your weekend on Monday
Leave the Office for Lunch This can be tricky...you have to return!
Plan Ahead Have your resumé updated
Drink More Water You’re not fooling anyone. We know it’s really vodka.
www.foolishtimes.net
June 2016
9
Dumb Guys
Head and Shoulders A blonde, a brunette and a red head were in an elevator when a handsome man stepped in. After a couple of floors he left the elevator. After he left the red head said, “Man was he hot!” The brunette said, “Yeah but he could use some head and shoulders.” The blonde thought for a while and said, “How do you give a man shoulders?”
Blonde Painter A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes really are smart. While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a fleece and a mink coat. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room. He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what’s with her wearing the two coats? She replies that she was reading
the directions on the paint can and they said, “For Best Results, Put on Two Coats!”
Blond Dad A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he asks. “I’m having a heart attack!” cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his four-year old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!” The Dad slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. “You scumbag!” says the husband. “My wife is having a heart attack and you’re running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!”
One-eyed Blonde Two blondes are walking down the road when one says, ‘’Look at that dog with one eye!’’ The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, ‘’Where?’’
There were two blond guys working for the city council. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what’s the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again.” The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, normally we are a threeman team, but the guy who plants the trees called in sick today.
VOTE For your favorite local craft beer www.foolishtimes.net This maybe the only time in your life when your vote counts!
Super Summer Specials
Happy Father’s Day!
10
June 2016
www.foolishtimes.net
B EE R MO N TH: Duane from Bottoms Up We met Duane at the Steinbeck Home Brew Festival. A happy guy who enjoys making his own beer although his passion is to continue to be a resource to teach brewing methods and help other home brewers. Bottoms Up in Seaside is celebrating its fifth year in business and is the only home brew supply store in our area. Beer making classes are ongoing.
Who makes the best beer? It’s a preference thing. If you like English styles, we have Monterey Coast Brewery and English Ales.
If you like the hoppy style, you have Alvarado Street and if you’re looking for a broader breadth of selection there is Peter B’s.
In the polka, in heaven there is no beer. How do we know that?
Is there such a thing as bad beer?
What’s your favorite smell?
Again it’s a personal preference. So no, there is something for everybody.
What are three things you can’t live without? Water barley and hops…and yeast!
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.
Start with sour beers. If someone said they didn’t like beer, they just haven’t found the right beer. Basically if someone said they didn’t like beer they tasted something that tasted like beer. Sour beers don’t taste like beer.
Who is the funniest person you know? Richard Pryor. But I didn’t know him personally.
We don’t know but there has to be. Hops
What’s a cenosillicaphobia? Fear of dirty socks
If my girlfriend didn’t like beer how would I convert her?
January 2014
JOKES
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
FUNNY BONES
SUBMITTED
BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
I have an allergic reaction and my face is breaking out in a rash. My Mom is freaking out and wants to take me to the ER. My Dad said “Let’s not make any rash decisions.” We high-fived and now my Mom is yelling at us. Fathers know best!
Answers on page 24
www.foolishtimes.net
June 2016 DNA found in the alleged victim’s vagina. Perhaps, his lawyer said, Abdulaziz was still aroused after sex with the other woman in the apartment and accidentally fell directly upon the alleged victim lying on a sofa. [New York Post, 12-11-2015] [The Independent, 1216-2015]
Ironies
By Chuck Shepherd • In December, Canada’s supportive organization The Transgender Project released a biographical video of the former Paul Wolscht, 46 and the father of seven children with his ex-wife, Marie, describing his new life as not only a female but a 6-yearold female, Stephoknee Wolscht. She told the Daily Xtra (gay and lesbian news site) that not acting her real age (even while doing “adult” things like working a job and driving a car) enables her to escape “depression and suicidal thoughts.” Among the trans-age’s favorite activities are (coloringbook) coloring, creating a play-like “kingdom,” and wearing “really pretty clothes.” Stephoknee now lives with the couple who adopted her. [The Independent (London), 12-16-2015]
Unclear on the Concept Thee, Not Me: American “millennials” (those aged 18 to 29) continue a “long-standing tradition,” The Washington Post wrote in December, describing a Harvard Institute of Politics poll on their views on war. Following the recent Paris terrorist attacks, about 60 percent of U.S. millennials said additional American troops would be needed to fight the Islamic State, but 85 percent answered, in the next question, that no, they themselves were “probably” or “definitely” not joining the military. [Washington Post, 12-10-2015]
Exceptional Floridians
• Police in St. Petersburg reported the December arrest of a 12-yearold boy whose rap sheet listed “more than 20” arrests since age 9. He, on a bicycle, had told an 89-year-old driver at a gas station that the man’s tire was low, and when the man got out to check, the boy hopped in the car and took off. • A driver accidentally plowed through two small businesses in Pensacola in December, creating such destruction that the manager of one said it looked like a bomb had hit (forcing both—a tax service and a casket company—to relocate). The driver told police he was attempting to “travel through time.” [WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg), 12-15-2015] [WEARTV (Pensacola), 12-23-2015]
Compelling Explanations • Breen Peck, 52, an air traffic controller who has been having career troubles in recent years, was arrested during a traffic stop on New York’s Long Island in December when officers found illegal drugs in his car. “That’s meth,” he said. “I’m an air traffic controller.” “I smoke it to stay awake.” • In a “she-said/he-said” case, wealthy Saudi businessman Ehsan Abdulaziz, 46, was acquitted of rape in December in England’s Southwark Crown Court, apparently persuading jurors of “reasonable doubt” about his
• Christopher Manney was fired from the Milwaukee Police Department in 2014 after shooting a black suspect to death in a case bearing some similarity to 2015 shootings that produced “Black Lives Matter” protests—not fired for the shooting (adjudged “not excessive force”) but for improper actions that preceded the shooting (not announcing a valid reason for a pat down and conducting a not-by-the-book pat down). Two days before the firing, he had filed a disability claim for post-traumatic stress disorder from the shooting and aftermath, and in November 2015 the city’s Annuity and Pension Board, following city law, approved the claim. Thus, Manney, despite having been subsequently fired, retired with full disability, with basically the same take-home pay he was receiving when fired. [Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, 115-2015; WITI-TV (Milwaukee), 10-16-2015] • In November, as anti-Muslim tensions arose in several U.S. cities following the Paris terrorist attack, two chapters of the Satanic Temple church (San Jose, California, and Minneapolis) offered to protect Muslims who feared a backlash. The Minneapolis group offered “just big dudes walking you to where you need to be,” for example, grocery shopping—an offer “of genuine compassion for our fellow human beings.” (The offer was subsequently rescinded by the Minneapolis church’s executive
11
ministry, reasoning that they are “not a personal security service.”) [City Pages (Minneapolis), 12-222015]
Wrong Place, Wrong Time In November, a 62-year-old customer at Ancient City Shooting Range in St. Augustine, Florida, was hit in the lower abdomen area by another shooter, 71, because the victim was standing behind the target (“for some reason,” was all a fire-rescue spokesman would say). The shooter thought the man was elsewhere on the property. [Jacksonville.com, 11-27-2015]
Least Competent Criminals • Jasper Harrison, 47, working inside the storage unit in Edgewater, Florida, where he grows his marijuana, heard a helicopter overhead on Dec. 9, panicked, and called 911 to turn himself in to pre-empt what he presumed was a SWAT raid. Actually, the helicopter belonged to a local news station headed elsewhere, but police later arrested Harrison based on the 911 call. • Lloyd Franklin, 34 and suspected in a North Carolina double murder, fatally shot himself in a Bensalem, Pennsylvania, motel room in November when police knocked on the door. However, cops actually had come to arrest another man in the room on a parole violation. [Orlando Sentinel, 12-10-2015] [KYW-TV (Philadelphia), 11-8-2015] Dispatch News, 11-16-2015] Thanks This Week to Rich Heiden, Rachael Bock, and Stuart Worthington, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.Copyright 2016 Chuck Shepherd, distributed by Universal UClick; 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500
12
June 2016
By Debbie Harris
Dad’s Chair
When I was growing up, we always had a large recliner in our living room. This tradition carried into the home I made with my former husband. In both households, we never called the chair “the recliner.” To us, it was “Dad’s Chair” (dramatic music swells and fades). Of all the furniture in the house, “Dad’s Chair” (battle music swells and fades) had the most rules, sacred rules. It was as if Moses came down from the mount with the glow of the creator on his face and two stone tablets with the laws of “Dad’s Chair” (Ten Commandments music). Rule number one: “Dad’s Chair” (Wide World of Sports theme) always, ALWAYS had the best view of the TV in the living room. And it was not allowed to be moved. Rule number two: When dad was in his chair, he controlled the television. When I was a kid, there were no remote controls. I think the rest of the family was
Dad’s remote—of course, it wasn’t hard since there were only three channels. We took instructions from Dad about what channel to change it to and we complied. Sometimes we’d hear the slap of the footrest contracting back into the chair and we knew that Dad was getting up, sometimes to change the channel.
I would creep up to the TV and very slowly turn the volume down, all the while looking at Dad to be sure he stayed asleep. From time to time, Dad fell asleep in his chair with his television program on, often a western. The rest of us didn’t care much for westerns, so I learned a technique to change the channel without waking him up. I would
creep up to the TV and very slowly turn the volume down, all the while looking at Dad to be sure he stayed asleep. Once the volume was down, I would very carefully turn the dial so that it didn’t make the clicking sound that it usually made when turning it, slowly moving the dial until I found a program we wanted to watch. Then I would very slowly turn the volume back up but not quite as high as it was before. Then we would see how long we could watch before Dad woke up. Sometimes he realized the channel had been changed, sometimes not. In my adult home, the remote control’s home was always on the arm of “Dad’s Chair” (menacing music swells and fades) where my former husband insisted that it be kept. I even got him a cloth pocket arm rest cover to make it easier for the remote(s) to be nearby. If anything could make him testy, it was someone using the remote without putting it back on “Dad’s
www.foolishtimes.net Chair” (execution music). Rule number three: There was no eating allowed in “Dad’s Chair” (Darth Vader theme). Dad could eat in his chair, but no one else was allowed to. Of course we did, but we made sure that there was no evidence to that fact. My children’s father ate sunflower seeds from the shell by the gross in his “Dad’s Chair” (circus music), so it always had the remnants of his tooth-cracking habit. But that was allowed. After I got divorced and no longer had a “Dad’s Chair” (downward slide whistle) in my living room, I decided to get a chair for myself, a “Mom’s Chair” (relaxation music). I bought a beautiful tan suede glider with a matching foot rest and put it in the spot where “Dad’s Chair” (silence) had been. I didn’t like it there, so I rearranged the living room furniture and moved it to a corner. Guess what? I rarely ever sit in it. An occasional guest will sit in it, in particular, my Dad, who usually gravitates to that chair whenever he comes to my house. So to all the Dads out there, whether they have their own recliner or not, Happy Father’s Day! (cheerful music).
June 2016
www.foolishtimes.net
JOIN US FOR
Monterey BaconFest
Bride
& Bachelorette
Party Gift
Headquarters
June 25-26 11-7pm
Monterey Fairgrounds & Event Center Saturday Fairground Saints
...and don’t forget gifts for him!
Alarma
- Newly Remodeled -
Charles Johnson
Fremont Adult Book Store 2116 N Fremont St. Monterey 831.372.9410 Open Daily 8am-4am Arcade • Nu-Art Movie Theater www.fremontadultstore.com A “women owned and operated” business
Sunday Tom Ayres plays Jimi Aubrie Sellers
Delaney Ann & Square One
Red Beans & Rice Wild Card
All the Best in Food, Beer & Crafts Vendors All the Best in Family & Friends Advance Daily Ticket sales: or our website $7 Military & all ages 8-17 • Under 7 free • $12 General Admission Vendors, sponsors, and more info: www.montereybaconfest.com
Best Selection of Local Wine & Craa Beer
www.grovemarketgrocery.com 2016
13
14
June 2016
www.foolishtimes.net
MONTEREY'S ORIGINAL CRAFT BREWERY
12 Craft Beers On Tap | Brewed On Site Pet Friendly Patio | Fire Pits Sports On 18 HDTV’s | Private Barrel Room Weekly Sandwich Specials Complimentary Parking Peter B’s Brewpub | Behind the Portola Hotel & Spa | (831) 649-2699 Two Portola Plaza | Monterey, CA | Peterbsbrewpub.com |
50,000wrong!
Readers can’t
be
Thank you all for reading and supporting our advertisers
‘16
4th of July Parade starts at 10am
Turn Your Gold into Cash We pay top $$ on the spot • Estate
Jewelry
• Diamond
Rings
• Vintage
Watches
• Custom
Repairs
Q: Why can’t a leopard hide? A: Because he’s always spotted!
831.372.5186
June 2016
www.foolishtimes.net
Sucks to be YOU! Too cheap to buy gas
THE
CROWN & ANCHOR BRITISH PUB & RESTAURANT
VOTED MONTEREY’S MOST AUTHENTIC BRITISH PUB
Lunch & Dinner Daily • Late Night Menu Children’s Menu • Heated Full Service Patio Impressive Selection of Single Malt Scotches & Classic Irish Whiskeys 20 beers on tap • Local wines Happy Hour 4-6pm Monday-Friday Bring your Dad in for great service, a wonderful meal and a pint! www.redsdonuts.com
BRITISH OWNED & OPERATED
150 Franklin St • Old Monterey • 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net • Open Daily 11-2am
15
16
June 2016
A
www.foolishtimes.net
RESALE
26364 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org
B
Yellow Brick Road
C
Second Chance
D
Branches Resale Shoppe
E
THE
SPCA Benefit Shop
TRAIL
26388 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.626.8480 www.yellowbrickroadbenefitshop.org
The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!
105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 2311 N Fremont St Monterey 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com
480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org
MPVS Benefit Shop
655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org
C D B
A
E
FEATURED SHOP MPVS is the oldest non-profit Benefit shop on the Monterey Peninsula and is run solely by women volunteers. Proceeds are contributed to a variety of charitable and cultural non-profit organizations serving the communities on the greater Monterey Peninsula since 1950.
www.foolishtimes.net
by Rex Keyes
June 2016
Politics, Live with Kelly and Michael, and fishes
I will say that I feel sorry for The Kardashians reality show. That’s because in today’s reality show of politics, all other reality shows are upstaged. Not one writer could possibly outdo what is going on in our political primaries. It doesn’t matter what political party it is, something controversial occurs several times weekly in each party and is broadcast on many different news channels. Controversies are also brought up on comedy shows like Saturday Night Live and late night talk shows. All I will say is that the people who stage the political events are geniuses at getting our
attention. It is a form of comedy that beats all reality shows. One party’s primary is like a horse race in which one horse started way back and is slowly gaining on the lead horse. The other primary was a ferocious battle between its own primary contestants and party members in which only one person was left standing. To stay in the public’s eye and keep attention even bad publicity is good, for it appears in the news and keeps people involved. All prior primaries cannot hold a candle to this year. And for more action just wait until the primaries are done and
I CAME ALL THE WAY FROM ENGLAND TO TELL YOU MY SON IS THE BEST!
• • • •
Factory Trained Jaguar-Land Rover UK Full Service Repairs on All Import Cars State of the Art Diagnostics The Best Alternative to High Priced Dealers
125-C Sun St., Salinas
831-757-2370
www.esseximports.com
the final contestants vie for the November election. Take the elections with a sense of humor and it is good entertainment. There was one exception to politics being upstaged with publicity and that was “Live with Kelly and Michael.” The publicity about Michael Strahan leaving the show flooded the news. Of course now instead of making approximately only $80,000 a week, by leaving the show, he will be making in the neighborhood
Is there some kind of change in the use of the English language? of $200,000 or more a week. Congratulations Michael! Is there some kind of change in the use of the English language? For example, the word fish has been forever used in the singular and plural but somehow some people do not like the word used in the plural and now use the word fishes. Example, “I caught two fishes, the fishes are increasing in number in the Carmel River.” I guess this is the vocabulary of the new generation. I suppose next, instead of saying, “look at all the sheep,” they will say, “look at the sheeps.” Maybe I am being too harsh but I think we need an investigation as to why they now use the word fishes. Of course the word fishes is approved in Webster’s Dictionary but the population base in all of prior history has not used it. Why now? June is when school lets out and most people start taking summer vacation. So when on vacation turn off the news, enjoy the beach, the lake, the mountains or that exotic foreign country you’re going to and just have fun.
SeasideAutoDealers.com
Q: When should you buy a bird? A: When it’s going cheep! Q: There was a rooster sitting on a top of a barn. If it laid an egg, which way would it roll? A: Roosters don’t lay eggs! Q: Why did the bird get a ticket? A: It broke the law of gravity! Q: What do you call a chicken in the 1960s? A: A funky chicken. Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea? A: Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be baygulls! Q: How do you catch a unique bird? A: Unique up on it. Q: How do you catch a tame bird? A: The tame way, unique up on it! Q: How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely? A: With its sparrowchute. Q: Why did the little bird get in trouble at school? A: Because he was caught tweeting on a test. Q: What do you give a sick bird? A: Tweetment.
17
18
June 2016
www.foolishtimes.net
JOKES THAT MADE MY DAD LAUGH • A man walks into the Crown & Anchor and orders helicopter flavor chips. The bartender replies, “Sorry mate we only do plain.” • I went to Capital Book Store and asked where the Self Help section was. The sales woman said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. • People are making apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow. • A termite walks into the Crown & Anchor and asks “Is the bar tender here?” Tony and Sarah are your hosts and owners of the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be welcomed by their humor and hospitality.
B EE R MO N TH: Chris from Peter B’s Chris has been helping to create craft beer at Peter B’s for the past two years. He also drinks it because he loves it. Lately he has been “the guy” while they did a national search for a new head brewer. They found one in Michigan and Justin will be arriving this month. Look for a new exciting things coming soon.
Who makes the best local beer? Peter B’s
What do you drink on your day off? IPAs. I like IPAs but I switch off
to a lighter beer sometimes. I do enjoy a good pilsner.
If my girlfriend doesn’t like beer how do I convert her? You don’t have to convert her that means more for you!
Is there such a thing as bad beer? There is definitely bad beer out here. You can find bad beer anywhere from home brew competitions to the biggest breweries in the world.
What was your first beer? The first beer I ever had was my Grandpa’s Old Milwaukee.
Did you like it? Loved it!
Do you still drink it? I would, you can‘t get it in California. I would if I could.
Three things you can’t live without? Vinyl records, IPAs and my wife. Not necessarily in that order.
What is your favorite smell? Water hitting the grain. It’s the beginning of the brewing process.
What is a Cenosillicaphobia? Fear of beer. I feel sorry for anyone who has that.
In heaven there is no beer that’s why we dink it here. Who said there is no beer in heaven? I would say the song is incorrect.
Beer making is an ancient tradition. Jesus has wine, why not beer? In my heaven there’s beer.
www.foolishtimes.net
June 2016
BEER MONTH:
MAKE ME Mississippi Mud Cake Ingredients: 1 cup butter 2 cups sugar 1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa 4 large eggs 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/8 teaspoon salt 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour 1 1/2 cups coarsely chopped pecans 10.5 ounce bag miniature marshmallows I small can chocolate frosting
Preparation: 1. Place pecans in a single layer on baking sheet 2. Bake at 350° for 8 minutes 3. Microwave butter and semisweet chocolate for 1 minute 4. Whisk sugar, eggs, vanilla & flour in chocolate mixture, pour batter into a greased 15- x 10- x 1-inch pan
19
5. Bake at 350° for 20 minutes Remove from oven, and sprinkle with marshmallows. Bake 8 more minutes, remove 6. Drizzle warm cake with chocolate frosting, sprinkle with toasted pecans
Spend a Day with your Dad! Answers on pg 24
Fish Hike Golf Brunch Bike Catch Beer Camp Cook Travel Picnic Barbecue Walk Enjoy Love Laugh Hug Sail Eat Cake
J.C. from Alvarado St Brewery Every week during the build out of Alvarado Street Brewery, we sat in the window seat of the Chinese restaurant across the street watching as the day would come where they would be making beer. That day finally came and they are continually building their reputation of brewing great beer, the addition of an outdoor beer garden and expansion into Salinas for canning production. Owner and Head Brewer, J.C Hill, is a certified Cicerone and an allaround nice guy.
Who makes the best local craft beer? Kevin at Peter B’s made some fantastic beer for a long time. Now Chris is over there doing a fantastic job. We have our own style and our own way of brewing. We like to enjoy what we’re doing but we’re not going to say we’re the best.
My girlfriend doesn’t like beer, how do I convert her? Usually Belgian beers are a good way to start; has a nice aromatic profile to it. Something that’s not too bitter. A lot of our female customers are digging our sour beers right now.
Is there such a thing as bad beer? Of course, absolutely. It could be disgusting infected gross beer! If it’s bad beer, it’s undrinkable.
What is your favorite smell? I like to smell hops, I like the new tropical hops that are out there.
Three things you can’t live without? My family, my beer and good food.
What do you drink on your day off? I like to drink lighter style beer on my day off. I’m a big fan of Pilsner. Something I don’t have to think about too much. There’s a time and place for different types of beer.
In heaven there is no beer, how do we know? I would hope there’s beer in heaven, otherwise I would probably want to go to hell.
What is a Cenosillicaphobia? Someone who’s afraid of Cenosillica.
Who is the funniest person you know? I’m a big Will Ferrell fan. Jim Carrey too.
20
June 2016
e-TRAVESTY.COM
By Ted Gargiulo Short, overweight, middle-aged, male of modest means, seeking companionship of svelte, wellendowed, young female. OUTSTANDING QUALITIES: Cheap. Homely. Unsociable. Cantankerous. Opinionated. Nitpicky. Physically awkward. Spiritually bankrupt. Cares not a hoot for fashion. Suspi-cious of strangers. Doubly suspicious of foreigners. Avoids crowds. Distrusts government. Afraid to travel. Can’t dance. Dislikes sports. Can’t stand kids. Loathes television. Hates talking on the phone. Has no friends, no hobbies, no pets, no practical skills—leastways, none that ordinary people can relate to. Reads books mainly to bore
himself to sleep at night. Rarely leaves house unless compelled to do so. Won’t go anywhere without a loaf of French bread shoved into his pants, in case he gets hungry. Or a condom, in case he gets lucky. Says, “I ain’t no prize, but at least I’m honest.” Applicant has never been married, never been engaged, hardly ever dates. Has never served in the military, nor fought for a cause. Derives no fulfillment from the work he does, yet considers himself a hero for having endured the monotony of being nowhere all these many years. Almost never gets sick, and has no tolerance for people who do. Thinks families are overrated, but tries to keep an open mind
The Riotous
RHYMESTER By Stephen L. Millich
Old Friends Old friends are the best Far better than new Although they may smell Like limburger shoes. Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www. OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.
about them. Thinks college and careers are also overrated. Enjoys movies, as long as he can watch them at home for free. Doesn’t mind dining out once or twice a year, provided he doesn’t have to tip the server. “I’m a lousy tipper,” he warns potential partners, “so get used to it!”
Fails to understand why other people take themselves so seriously. Prefers winter to summer. Enjoys damp, chilly, overcast days to warm, sunny ones. Keeps his shades drawn and his room dark. Spends his free time alone writing his blockbuster novel—or sulking, whenever the literary muse fails him, which happens more often than not. Resents it when people ask him how he’s feeling, or what he’s working on. Considers personal inquiries an invasion of privacy. Claims he has nothing to show for his labors—that is, nothing he would condescend to share with “those nosy, brain-dead cretins lurking about out there.” Likens the creative process to spinning his wheels in a ditch. “Vexation without representation,” he calls it. Sees no need to drive himself crazy chasing any dream that defies fulfillment, or threatens his comfort level. Has no political or religious convictions. Says, “I’ve never faced a challenge in life that giving up and doing nothing couldn’t fix.” Fails to understand why other people take themselves so seriously. This despondent, self-
www.foolishtimes.net absorbed, curmudgeonly recluse in his 60’s is looking to connect with a compassionate, unpretentious, uncomplicated, undemanding, unselfish woman in her 20’s to share his solitude. Prefers someone with similar temperament and interests to “complete” him. No hang-ups, no attachments, NO KIDS! Must be docile, soft spoken, well dressed, well bred…and absolutely gorgeous. Must be willing to accept him on his own quirky terms, to see past his imperfections, appreciate his uniqueness, and believe everything he says without reservation. Education okay, but not required. Personal opinions, attitudes, belief system(s): negotiable. Impossible? Hardly. At e-Travesty.com, we believe that everyone, however unlovely, mean, deranged or contemptible, deserves a shot at romance. Here, our cutting-edge matchmaking software makes even the most outlandish couplings a reality. Check us out, at e-Travesty.com. “WE SUFFER FOOLS. IT’S WHAT WE DO.”
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
SeasideAutoDealers.com
www.foolishtimes.net
B EE R MO N TH :
Mark & Scott from Mad Otter Ale
Mad Otter Ale is proof that business is done on a golf course. Never mind how bad they golfed that day. These two guys with day jobs, Mark Fitch and Scott Coming were on a mission to brew the best Pale Ale with a brand that speaks of Monterey. Their beer can be found on tap in the best places to belly up to the bar from here to the Bay Area.
What do you drink on your day off?
If my girlfriend didn’t like beer, how do I convert her?
Mad Otter Ale
You don’t have too but if you do, start with a nice even balanced introduction to beer. Find out what she doesn’t like about beer and go with something you think that doesn’t have those things.
Who makes the best local beer?
What are the three things you can’t live without?
It depends on the kind of beer you like. For us, we truly believe we make the best Pale Ale.
My family, my friends and beer.
What do you drink at work? I typically don’t!
Is there bad beer? There is bad beer when you’re using these Mr. Beer kits.
Mira, WOW! By Daria James
Not my Imagination I am a writer, I like to share fragments of my life. The things I see and the things I live, I know we all have social media for that nowadays. I am not an old soul (many Gypsies have told me that) but I am vintage, and if you are reading this newspaper so are you. Unless of course, you are reading the online version, in which case you are not. Honestly, we are not getting old; times are changing rather fast, the Kardashians of the century, entitled, unreliable and selfish, belligerent and attached to a smartphone. Communica-tion is becoming a lost art. When was
the last time you could speak your mind without fear-ing to offend somebody? And just because someone is offended it doesn’t make them right. I find certain Mexican fast food restaurant chains offensive to my palate, I’m not going to mention any names, but it rhymes with Taco Hell. I do not take my business there, the end. My life goes on and my stomach thanks me from the bottom of…well, my stomach. It is called free will, rare privilege in some countries may I add. We do not have to fight every fight. Especially meaningless fights. I’ll give you an example: my friend is 5’6, she called me a
What’s your favorite smell?
June 2016
21
In heaven there is no beer. Really? The more important question, “is there heaven?” I would think they would have something. Maybe there is no need for beer because everything is self-contained within you; the memory of beer. You can taste it automatically whenever you want. You can give yourself the effect of beer.
What is cenosillicaphibia? OK Google (although not used)! Fear of no more beer.
Who is the funniest person you know?
If you’re talking about my beer it’s the citrus mixed with the floral. It’s a pleasant aroma. It makes me happy.
My dad. He’s where I got my comic relief. Mark my business partner is actually a funny person. He has it down perfect where it’s work mode and let go mode.
Hobbit the other day and she meant it, she was passionate about it, I almost believed her. Small problem (pun intended). I am 5’5 and not only are hobbits fictional characters, if they did exist they would be 4’0. I mean, come on!
somehow, in a civilized manner of course, I got yo mamma jokes, and that is what separates us from other mammals; yo mamma jokes!
I got yo mamma jokes, and that is what separates us from other mammals; yo mamma jokes! Even Tyrion Lannister is 4’5. I am not even short in the metric system. But did I go down to her level (or up, depending on whose side you are on) and verbally beat her up with the facts of life?! Nope. I moved on and let her live in her wrongness. Not worth my energy, and sometimes that is all we need to do, be like Elsa and let it go. Besides, I will get her back
Q: Why are cats good at video games? A: Because they have nine lives!
22
June 2016
www.foolishtimes.net
By Lily Brun
The King of Flowers June is a busy month. It’s the official kick-off to summer. It’s National Adopt-a-Cat month. Doughnuts have their own special day. More weddings take place than in any other month. And … we celebrate Father’s Day. My children have given their father enough ties to lasso a new car which he’d probably appreciate - but is unlikely! So, the other day when my daughter asked me what I thought about her sending her dad flowers, I thought, “Well that’s different.” Then I thought, “Flowers. For a man. Well, what kind of flowers should she send?” Should they be
manly flowers? And if so, what are manly flowers. As a gardener, I’ve planted a lot of flowers in my time. Petunias, begonias, pansies, buttercups, dahlias, tulips all have had a place in my yard over the years. I planted them because they’re pretty and delicate and colorful and sweet and, yes, in my eyes, something girls appreciate.
Should they be manly flowers? And if so, what are manly flowers.
Now before you judge me, my daughter did inspire me to rethink
my perspective on gender and the issue of sending flowers to men. If my dad were still alive, I pondered, what would I send him? He was a pretty no-nonsense kind of guy. Flowers were a little too frivolous for him to spend much time on. Since I couldn’t ask him, I did what every self-respecting mother-trying-to-help-herdaughter would do, I googled it. Yep. Just typed in father’s day flowers and, lo and behold, up popped hundreds of sights. Who’d have thought! Not only should we send flowers to our fathers, there’s a protocol. I love that! The story goes that Sonora Louise Smart Dodd, born in the late 1800s in Arkansas, is the founder of Father’s Day. She thought fathers were just as important as mothers and should be honored with their own day. She chose the king of all flowers, the rose, as the day’s official blooming symbol. (The official flower for Mother’s Day is the Queen of Flowers, the carnation. Fodder for another time.) Why, I wondered, is the rose the King? Well, it has nothing to do with gender. It has to do with
history. Roses have been revered and cherished throughout time. They are a symbol of beauty and romance and love. Roses have poems, legends, stories and songs written about them and have inspired artists to try and capture their elegant perfection. The mythology of ancient Romans and Greeks each paid tribute to the rose; the favorite of both Venus and Aphrodite. They just plain out do all other flowers, thorns and all. So this Father’s Day flowers are indeed a great idea. Custom dictates red roses for fathers who are still alive; white honor those fathers who are deceased. I’m not sure if my daughter is sold on sending her father red roses. Given the cost, he might just get another tie.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Q: What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? A: Hailing taxi cabs!
www.foolishtimes.net
on the
FOOL
June 2016
BEER MONTH:
CURB
We asked home brewers and Wally (Patron Saint of breakfast) these beer questions at the Steinbeck Home Brew Fest. This is what we remember:
1. Who is the Patron Saint of brewing, Patrick/ Bernard/Arnold? 2. Can Beer make you lean? 3. What is a methophobia? 4. What was your first beer? 5. Are you a ceravisaphile? Wally 1. Arnold 2. Sure, it can make you fall 3. The fear of crack dealers 4. Coors Light unfortunately 5. Sure Raul 1. Patrick 2. I’ll say yes a little too much 3. A phobia of farts 4. Probably an IPA 5. Maybe Duane and Allen 1. Arnold, no Berrand 2. Absolutely. I run to drink beer 3. Budweiser, unfortunately... Coors 4. I think it’s a drug addiction. Fear of meth amphetamines. I don’t think that’s legal in this state 5. No I am not! Jeffrey 1. Arnold 2. Yes. It gives you energy 3. It’s when you have a bad beer and you don’t feel right 4. The Blond at Peter B’s 5. No Paul and Aaron 1. Arnold. Aaaaarnold 2. Yes, look at Paul! If you work your body, beer is what you need to get back to being heathier. Without beer, I have to eat all the time. 3. That having an aversion to individuals falling through your chimney at 3am 4. Coors light, unfortunately that’s what my parents had in the fridge and I never liked beer, that is probably why. I forced it down. 5. I’m foolish when I’m serious so yeaaa, I tend to be a cerisa phole
23
Tom from English Ales Tom is the area’s elder statesman of local craft beer. With his culinary background he landed at English Ales in Marina where he has been the celebrated head brewer for the past 10 years. “The future is brewing as much beer as we can, every drop gets sold. We have to keep trying to brew more!”
What do you drink on your day off? I drink English Ales beers. Not all the time. I do enjoy other craft beers.
Does fruit have a place in beer? Not in our style of beer but we do put whole lemons in our Big Sur Golden.
What are three things you can’t live without? Beer, beer and beer! I should probably say my wife. I’ve been married 18 years.
What is your favorite smell?
Who makes the best local beer?
Love the smell when we’re brewing. The grain mixing with hot water. It has a cereal kind of wonderful smell, love that smell.
I do, of course.
What is cenosillicaphobia?
Is there such a thing as bad beer?
Fear of Sicilians? I have no idea. I’ll have to look that up.
Beer that has been sitting on a shelf too long. You go to a beer store where they have tons of beer, pull something off the shelf, you get it home, open it and it’s spoiled because it’s been sitting in the light too long.
Who is the funniest person you know?
My girlfriend doesn’t like beer. How do I convert her? You don’t have to but it may be a good idea, if she wants to keep you! Come in here and start her on one of our lighter beers, our wheat beer or our summer ale.
The person who tries to be the funniest is one of my assistants, Sam. He’s always got something to say, always has a comeback to everything. He won’t give up his day job and won’t be writing for your paper any time soon!
In heaven there is no beer. How do we know this? If there’s a heaven there has to be beer. Ben Franklin said, “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
24
June 2016
www.foolishtimes.net
Foolish Sudoku
Foolish Search
Answers
Answers
from page 10
from page 19
FRONT SEAT
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a Siberian Lynx in the front seat. “What are you doing with that Siberian Lynx?” He exclaimed, “You should take it to the zoo.” The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the cat again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. “I thought you were going to take that cat to the zoo!” The man replied, “I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”
Guide to Local Businesses & Services COMPUTER REPAIR Seaside Computer Services Your computer bugging you? Is it running slow? Does it have a virus? Just give us a call By the way, diagnostic is always FREE (831) 224-2905
CA TRAVEL BOOKS Venturing out? CA Road Trips Staycation? Monterey & Carmel staurtthornton.com
MAID SERVICE
HANDYMAN Bob
I can fix, repair or replace most things. Electrical, carpentry, plumbing painting, auto and computers systems. I am truly a handy man!
831.717.7917
Lily’s House Cleaning
Dependable. Thorough.Punctual 15 years of keeping homes clean Residential. Commercial. Move outs. Complimentary estimates
831.917.3937
DOG SITTING & WALKING Central Coast Pet Sitter
No need to leave your pet alone. Since 2009, offering dog walking, pet sitting & yes... cat walking too! Bonded & Insured 831.524.3675
CERAMICS ESSENTIAL OILS
PLUMBING
CHRISTIAN APPAREL
A and R Plumbing
Come As You Are Christian Store
Award winning business that offers great service, respectful staff and value for any and all of your plumbing needs. 831.394.7221 Family Owned & Operated aandrplumbinginc.com Lic #300628
Have fun and learn how these all natural products can enhance you life mydoterra.com/sweetzies/#
TheCentralCoastPetSitter.com
To Promote On Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038
Premier store offering quality items that speak of your faith. Apparel, accessories and gifts 16 Mid-Town, Oldtown Salinas 831.756.0768
AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com
www.foolishtimes.net
KNOCK OFF it
Knock Knock Who's there? Juicy! Juicy who! Juicy what I just saw!
Knock Knock Who's there? Julia! Julia who! Julia want to come in! Knock Knock Who's there? Julia! Julia who! Julia want some milk and cookies! Knock Knock Who's there? Julie! Julie who! Julie you door unlocked? Knock Knock Who's there? Juliet! Juliet who! Juliet me in or not! Knock Knock Who's there? Kansas! Kansas who? Kansas the best way to buy tuna! Knock Knock Who's there? Kareem! Kareem who? Kareem of the crop! Knock Knock Who's there? Katherine!
Katherine who? Katherincan Queen! Knock Knock Who's there? Kay! Kay who? Kay sera sera!
Knock Knock Who's there? Ken! Ken who? Ken I come in or do I have to climb through a window! Knock Knock Who's there? Lauren! Lauren who? Lauren order! Knock Knock Who's there? Laverne! Laverne who? Laverne of catastrophe! Knock Knock Who's there? Leaf! Leaf who? Leaf me alone!
Knock Knock Who's there? Len! Len who? Len us a fiver will you!
Knock Knock Who's there? Lena! Lena who? Lena little closer and I'll tell you! Knock Knock Who's there? Maine! Maine who? Maine I come in now please! Knock Knock Who's there? Major! Major who? Major answer didn't I! Knock Knock Who's there? Malcolm! Malcolm who? Malcome you didn't do your homework! Knock Knock Who's there?
June 2016 Mali! Mali who? Mali Brown! Knock Knock Who's there? Manitoba! Manitoba who? Manitoba me hours to get out of here!
Knock Knock Who's there? Manuel! Manuel who? Manuel be sorry if you don't open this door! Knock Knock Who's there? Mao! Mao who? Mao'th of babes! Knock Knock Who's there? Mara! Mara who? Mara mara on the wall....! Knock Knock Who's there? Marcella! Marcella who? Marcella is full of water and I'm drowning, help! Knock Knock Who's there? Marcia! Marcia who? Marcia glad I stopped by!
Knock Knock Who's there? Leland! Leland who? Leland of the free and the home of the brave! Knock Knock Who's there? Lemon! Lemon who? Lemon me give you a kiss!
25
Q: What is a cat’s favorite color? A: Purrr-ple
26
June 2016
www.foolishtimes.net
June 3
Jun 11
National Donut Day
Monterey Beer Festival
Started by the Salvation Army for donations during the Great Depression. Today’s version donates calories to your waistline.
June 4
Artichoke Festival
57th year of honoring this edible thistle. Lots to eat and drink with room to dance. artichokefestival.org
A showcase of craft beer that allows you to taste what you’re been missing all your life. Montereybeerfestival.com
June 12
Tunes, Trucks & Tastes
Inaugural event hosted by the River Road Wine Trail. Music and food trucks compliment world class wine. riverroadwinetrail.com
Celebrate the 40th edition with a list of events to satisfy the taste buds of both foodies and wine enthusiasts. West Coast Chowder Competition on Saturday. www.montereywine.com
Father’s Day
A day to celebrate fatherhood. For others it’s a day to celebrate dodging that bullet.
June 25
Al Di Meola
Few have the chops to play as well. Even less have toured for over 40 years and inspire many other great guitar players. goldenstatetheatre.com
June 19
June 4-6
Monterey Wine Festival
June 19
June 14
Flag Day
Betsy Ross was a seamstress for George Washington. He gave her credit for making our first flag.
Blues in the Forest
Chris Cain headlines a day of music at Poppy Hills. www.poppyhillsgolf.com
June 25-26
Monterey Bacon Fest
The sweet smell of bacon. The sound of music. The taste of beer. montereybaconfestival.com
June 18
C.V. Art & Wine
The sun will shine on local art, great wine and music at this annual event in the valley. carmelvalleychamber.com
June 8
Best Friend Day
Friends come and go for various reasons. You’re lucky to have a BFF. You’re real lucky if you have many.
June 18
Summer Celebration
Mediterraneo Imports knows how to throw a party. Free food paired with free beer. Why? Why not! mediterraneoimports.com
June 28 June 20
Summer Solstice
The top half of the Earth is as close to the sun as it’s going to get this year. Set your clocks for 3:34pm.
National Insurance Day You’re gambling something will go wrong. The insurance companies are betting nothing will ever happen. Guess who usually wins… even when they lose?
June 2016
www.foolishtimes.net
To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038
27
MONTEREY COUNTY FAIR & EVENT CENTER
JUNE 11, 2016 12:30 – 5:00 PM THE LINE UP
MAIN FESTIVAL TICKETS
11:45 AM - 1:15 PM DJ Fredo
$45.00 in advance or $50.00 at the gate Admission includes souvenir tasting glass Designated Driver Tickets available: $20.00
1:45 PM – 3:15 PM Journey Revisited 3:45 PM – 5:00 PM Daze on the Green
Special VIP Area! $70.00 in advance or $80.00 at the gate. Beat the crowd and come in early at 11:30 am to enjoy the VIP area, Souvenir tasting glass, Private Bathrooms and complimentary food!
2016
Sign up with a partner to win the Grand Prize and bragging rights as 2016 Champions.
Festival and Ticket info
www.montereybeerfestival.com
Bike Valet onsite by Green Pedal Couriers
VIP BROUGHT TO YOU BY:
The Monterey Beer Festival Benefits the 501c3 non profit Monterey County Fair Heritage Foundation
(831)372-8106
heritage@montereycountyfair.com