July 2016
Sex on the Beach » Pg. 11
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July 2016
What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool..............................Hunter T. Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool......................Jonah Dee
Contributors
Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Ted Gargiulo, Dennis Hengeveld, Daria James, Rex Keyes, Stephen L. Millich, David Schmidt, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Laura Sottile, Monty Truitt
The Chucklehead Speaks Our editor asked if I would take the whole space on this page to write something. Susie Q works with our contributors, writes content for soulofca.org and lives harmoniously with gophers and invasive weeds on several acres while tending her bountiful gardens. There is a lot of stuff going on in her world. Looking at a blank page is scary. I’m afraid of heights but a blank page sends shivers down my spine. Talking through my fingers can be downright frightening. Heck, the guy who hangs out at Pete’s Coffee discussing politics with the chain link fence has more to say than my fingers. At times, I also talk to myself. I gave up pushing my point of view during these conversations because then I sound like I’m arguing. I have to remove myself from these situations so I don’t do more harm than good. What‘s the point anyway? I spend a lot of time working. This is unacceptable. Everyone needs time off to recharge and as they say, “Have a life.” I try to approach myself to schedule a meeting to address this topic but knowing its coming, I don’t make myself available. The best way to have this meeting is to just barge into the office unannounced and start the conversation. I would feel cornered by myself and would have to sit there and face the fact that I am right. There would be no combative banter about how I spend my time. I know this meeting with myself would result in a promise from me to myself to play more golf, walk
down to the beach, jump in my car and go for a long drive down the coast or get on an airplane and go see my family back east. How about calling friends back without excuses of deadlines and responsibilities? The possibilities of doing things outside of work are endless. So as I sit here with myself writing this, I know that in the future I will have to make myself accountable to walk away from work. Maybe I’ll start by hanging out in Suzie Q’s garden waiting for a gopher to pop its head out of a hole.
Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net
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www.foolishtimes.net extremely good-looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.” “Oh, mercy! But just think what must be awaiting us further on!” So up to the fifth floor they went. The sign on that floor said, “This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please.”
Still Single
Traveling
Thomas is 32 years old and still single. One day, a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?” Thomas replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.” His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution. Just find a girl who’s just like your mother.” A few months later, they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?” With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.” The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?” Thomas replied, “Now my father doesn’t like her.”
A couple were on vacation in Colorado. They flew to Denver and rented a car to sight see. One of the sights was a bridge that was more than 1,000 feet above the river. Walking out onto the bridge, they noticed it swaying in the wind. “I don’t think I want to drive the car across this bridge,” one said to the other. “What are you worried about?” the second replied. “It’s a rental.”
Men At the Super Bowl party, Ken overheard two wives talking about their husbands and men in general. Then he heard the best quote ever from one of them. “The rules of football and the plot of The Godfather are the two most complicated things that every guy understands, no matter how dumb he is.”
Husband Shopping Center Recently a “Husband Shopping Center” opened, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out with five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the place to find men. On the first floor the door had a sign saying, “These men have jobs and love kids.” The women read the sign and said, “Well, that’s better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?” so up they went. The second floor said, “These
men have high-paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely goodlooking.” “Hmmm,” said the girls. “But I wonder what’s further up?” The third floor: “These men have high-paying jobs, are extremely good-looking, love kids and help with the housework.” “Wow!” said the women. “Very tempting, BUT there’s more further up!” and up they went. Fourth floor: “These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are
Curiosity is a wonderful quality to have, unless you have a cat.
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SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy
BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net
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MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 16th anniversary. 7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by award-winning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
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SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/ bar available. 1425 Munrus Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com
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on the
FOOL By Lily Brun
Fig Leaves Yes, Flowers No There are some real oddities in the world of fruits and vegetables. • Tomatoes are botanically a fruit, but legally named a vegetable in the US. • Plums, peaches and pears are actually members of the rose family. • Zucchini is actually a fruit. • Yams and sweet potatoes are not the same thing. • Not all oranges are orange. • The leaves of a rhubarb plant are extremely poisonous. • Cranberries actually bounce. • A strawberry isn’t technically a berry or a fruit. And - get this - a fig tree has no blossoms on its branches. The blossom is inside the fruit. Tiny flowers produce crunchy little edible seeds. I have three fig trees in my garden. I always wondered about flowers. My peach tree flowers. So do my apple trees. My orange and lemon have beautifully fragrant flowers. But no flowers on the fig tree.
Figs are known as the fruit of the gods. I’m guessing that’s because of this dual purpose flower fruit thing that’s happening. Gods are special. Figs are special. It’s a natural collaboration. Fossil records date figs back to 9400BC. Buddha achieved enlightenment under the bodhi tree, a large and old sacred fig. Figs have some mojo it seems. That’s good for California. This State produces 100 percent of the dried figs in the U.S. and 98 percent of the fresh figs. We owe it all to the Spaniards who introduced figs here in the 16th century. The Mission Fig originated at, well you guessed it, the Missions. Thankfully even though there’s a drought in California there’s no shortage of figs. That’s a good thing for the cookie industry. Fig newtons are the third most popular cookie in America. More than 1 billion are consumed each year. That’s a lot of flower seeds we’re eating.
1. What four presidents are carved in Mt Rushmore? 2. Which state was last added? 3. What does the term “E Pluribus Unum” mean? 4. Is it better to be lucky or skilled? Marilyn
1. Teddy Roosevelt I think is one of them. I can see their faces. I don’t think Lincoln is on there, they didn’t carve a beard. I was going to say Washington but I don’t think he’s on there either. I got one out of four. 2. Hawaii 3. In God we trust 4. Skilled because I can calculate.
Dan
1. Lincoln, Washington, Jefferson and Teddy Roosevelt 2. Hawaii 3. From many, one 4. It matters how often you’re lucky. I think skilled. You need to know what you’re able to do instead of fly by night.
Carolina
1. George Washington, Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt and Jefferson 2. Hawaii or Alaska. I say it’s Hawaii. 3. Out of one, many 4. Skilled. Luck can only take you so far. I feel the more I know the luckier I end up getting.
Richard
1. Jefferson, Washington, Lincoln and Roosevelt. They’re blasting it for Geronimo. 2. Hawaii 3. In God we trust 4. Lucky. Lucky means you really worked hard at it. People say, “You have a great job; you must have been lucky.” You work hard to get to lucky.
Holly
One of these days God is going to ask to have His name removed from our money. He doesn’t want to go into Chapter Eleven.
CURB
1. Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and Roosevelt 2. The last states were Hawaii and Alaska. I think its Alaska. 3. United people. One people. 4. Skilled because lucky comes and goes. I should be skilled all day long.
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July 2016
Comments Welcome: lalaugh6@gmail.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram Great balls of fire! Everybody is on edge! They sense the war going on inside you. You want to help others in crisis, that’s understood, but what about your interior bedlam? I know you have dreams of victory. Concern yourself first, with your own precious hide or you’ll be gone with the wind. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Fiddle de dee! Why fix it if it ain’t broke you say, yet you’d like to improve things without really changing. This is a battle that resembles beating yourself with a cornstalk, fiddle de dumb! You can still hold on to sweet memories such as Magnolia’s in the moonlight. Simply mix in some texting with that chivalrous perfumed air before you are left behind in the bull dung dust. Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins Such rarefied swaying ~ you are a lullaby in a hammock. Loving that constant change of scenery, to, fro, high & low. OUCH! Yet when pinned to the rose bush the only device to subdue that crazed field hen responsiveness is to administer chloroform. Take heed Gem, I hear it’s a rush! Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Such an elaborate array of defenses on your BIRF-DAY! What on God’s Earth are you snapping about?! Are ya feelin’ kinda poorly, gangrenous or panicky? That battle all up inside you must surrender to another year, otherwise the skies rain
death and all else divine falls silent. Time to pucker up, be kissed plenty hard, and to fix your gaze upon the violet candle flame. Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion Your instinct for getting attention is a majestic intervention! I do declare as the Leo president Clinton has 22 planets in Leo, while we mignons of society only bare 12. His Cuppeth Runneth over, as does yours, and you don’t even have to lie, cheat, spill or drill for it...glory be the merciful lions! Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin Show your bosom, you are a vegetable in season! You have been hand picked to ripen before your next root removal. You have a chance at completing everything. This is a slice, a turn to shine, don’t make me want to wish you into a pork rind. Full steam your head! Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Dareth I say it’s quittin time! You’re working it too hard. That goodie goodie charm, thick as molasses is ringing everybody’s bell into a shudder. Relationships are not built on brick & mortar, they are merely entwined. I know’s you hate to be alone, but you can always rely on eating barbecue in the warm, still, country twilight and then gingerly say, Ya’ll come back now! You can start your cursing once they’re passed the fence.
Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpions In this case, it just ain’t fittin to peek under the petticoat! Your complex mind makes it difficult to skim the surface. You may want to curb your inquisitiveness with a shallow dive on this next venture. I hear that skin flakes are a treasure chest just poised for deep analysis! Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer You shall stay unfettered forever, no strings attached, not even scraps of hand-spun wool. You are landing on opportunities where there is no Terra Firma...a carpetbagger of sorts these days? Shying away from deep scarlet emotions, runs you at risk of an unraveling tear across your heart. In the end, frankly, WHO will give a damn? Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat Don’t stand there like a scared goat, remember you are a born climber. You have reached the top! Do you have a reflective
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By Bini instrument to see the real you? A mirror will do, and glory is the view. The war is over, you know now what it was ALL for? Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier Obstinate as a mule! In battle, long after you’ve crossed enemy lines, you are still in contemplation. How independent are you to be? The world around you has fallen to pieces under your compass, and you’re wavering. As God is my witness, tomorrow, usually, is another day. Celebrate and stop disturbing the peace. Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes Oh Great Pale Tuna throw away them crutches! In, as usual, a bizarre, though perhaps apt, twist of fate, the world you’ve been trying to escape from has become the world you’ve been trying to escape to! Now these turbulent spherical energies have finally synthesized into stable chaos. Oh Fishies, like I said to Aquarius; tomorrow is another day...in case all this goes straight to hell.
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www.foolishtimes.net • Joshua Jording, 26, in Latrobe, Pennsylvania, became the most recent burglary suspect caught on surveillance video during the crime wearing a shirt with his name on it (which was later found in Jording’s home, along with a stash from the Dec. 2 burglary).
More Core Failings of Carjackers
By Chuck Shepherd
Hard Times for Science • A tractor-trailer driver with a load of bottled water tried to make it over a historic bridge in Paoli, Indiana, on Christmas Day, with the obvious outcome when 35 tons of water starts across a limit-6tons span. The driver told police she saw the 6-ton sign but did not know how that “translated” to pounds. • Among the activists denouncing a proposed solar-panel farm at a December Woodland (North Carolina) Town Council meeting were a husband and wife certain that vegetation near the panels would die because the panels would (the husband said) “suck up all the energy from the sun.” His wife (described as a “retired science teacher”) explained that the solar panels prevent “photosynthesis” (and also, of course, cause cancer). The council voted a moratorium on the panels.
Recent Recurring Themes • Paul Stenstrom of Tarpon Springs, Florida, is among the most recent Americans to have discovered the brightest side of federal bankruptcy law, having lived in his mortgaged home basically free of charge from 2002 until 2013 by using the law to stave off foreclosure. Even though none of his 15 petitions was ever approved, he followed each one immediately with another petition, and it was not until 2013
that one judge finally declared Stenstrom a “serially abusive filer,” barring further petitions for two years—at which point his bank was able to conclude the foreclosure. Upon expiration of the two-year period in September 2015, Stenstrom quickly filed another bankruptcy petition—to keep from being evicted from the townhouse on whose rent he is four months behind. • In December, Carlos Aguilera, 27, became the most recent brain-surgery patient to assist doctors by remaining conscious during the 12-hour operation —and playing his saxophone to help assure surgeons that their removal of a tumor was not affecting his speech, hearing or movement. The operation, at Spain’s Malaga Regional Hospital, was supposedly Europe’s first, but News of the Weird has reported two in the United States, including on a guitar- strumming man in 2013 at UCLA Medical Center.
Least Competent Criminals • Nurse’s aide Candace McCray, 36, is the most recent theft suspect to have worn some of the purloined jewelry when meeting police detectives investigating the theft. An assisted-living resident in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, had described her missing gems, and McCray was questioned as someone with access to the woman’s room.
• Albert Luna, 19, was arrested in Coachella, California, in December and charged with swiping the keys while a Federal Express driver was unloading a package. The driver reported that Luna later walked away when he could not figure out how to drive the truck. (Bonus: The arrest report noted that during the entire episode, Luna was naked.) • Mendel Epstein (Lakewood, New Jersey) is not the only rabbi suspected of being overaggressive as he helps desperate wives obtain religiously proper divorces, but he will be headed to prison for 10 years after a federal court found that he used beatings, stun guns and, once, an electric cattle prod to convince reluctant husbands they should sign the papers. Orthodox Jewish wives cannot remarry properly without obtaining a “get,” and Rabbi Epstein was apparently very “convincing.” (According to trial evidence, he used the services of four thugs.) “Over the years,” Epstein confessed in court, “I guess I got caught up in my toughguy image.” • Another Way to Tell If You’re Really, Really Drunk: Her passengers had run away, leaving Elena Bartman-Wallman, 23, behind the wheel but oblivious on a December afternoon in Aleknagik, Alaska, and her car’s tires had started to smoke. She had lodged her foot against the accelerator, facing the wrong way on the road, with her wheels spinning continuously, and by the
time police arrived (to discover Bartman-Wallman passed out), the front tires had melted down to the rims.
Almost No Longer Weird • When a woman leaped to her death on Dec. 12 from an apartment building in New York City, she of course landed on top of another woman, 71, who was left in critical condition. • In December, Russia’s independent RT news site, culling a story from the country’s rural far eastern coast, reported the most recent case of a “declared dead” man awakening in a morgue. After a harrowing few hours, the man returned to the site of the party—to find his friends “still drinking but (by) this time commemorating him.” • London’s Metropolitan Police called it the biggest case of voyeurism they had ever seen after a judge sent George Thomas, 38, to prison for four years in December for his six-year spree of furtively photographing women. Thomas, a former manager for the Ernst & Young accounting firm, filmed more than 3,500 people, including children and even babies, with cameras in his and others’ homes and the restrooms of coffee shops and workplaces. (And, of course, sooner or later, amidst the recovered stash, police found at least one shot of Thomas’ face, inadvertently captured as he was setting up one of the cameras.) Copyright 2016 Chuck Shephert, distributed by Universal UClick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500
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The Riotous
RHYMESTER By Stephen L. Millich
The English Sparrow You’ll not see an English Sparrow Drafting an ox-like harrow It will feast in your veggie garden Without even “I beg your pardon” Why would this British sprite From the land of the most polite In dining matters brazenly intrude And display manners so terribly rude? QUITE!
REAL LAWS REAL FOOLISH Alabama: Bear wrestling is illegal. Colorado: Catapults cannot be used to fire at buildings. Florida: It is illegal to sell your children. Hawaii: No coins shall ever be put in ears. Kentucky: You must bathe at least once a year. North Carolina: It’s illegal to sing off-key. Rhode Island: it’s illegal to bite off a person’s leg. South Dakota: It’s forbidden to fall asleep in a cheese factory. Tennessee: $500 fine for sharing Netflix password. Vermont: It’s illegal to tie your giraffe to a telephone pole. Washington: If you see Bigfoot, it’s a felony to harass him. West Virginia: Road kill can be eaten for dinner.
Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.
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MONTEREY COUNTY FAIR & EVENT CENTER TICKETS: MONTEREYSCOTGAMES.COM There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.
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At Home Depot: A man asked a sales person for a bag of nails. “How long do you want them?” “I would like to keep them.” At the unfinished furniture store: A woman was looking for a dining room table. They sold her a tree. At Wise Music: A young woman just purchased a violin and was asked if she wanted a bow. “No. You don’t have to gift wrap it.”
Answers on page 24
Our contributors: We have several who publish best sellers. Now they have to find best buyers.
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What were you thinking? Naughty readers! This fabulous summer cocktail was born in the 80’s and is made in several variations. It’s quite possible it derived from a Fuzzy Navel which morphed to a Hairy Navel…with cranberry juice. Any way you look at it, Sex on the Beach is a good thing as long as it’s before the 10pm beach curfew and served in a chilled glass. Ingredients • • • • •
2 oz Vodka 1.5 oz Peach Schnapps 2 oz Cranberry Juice 2 oz Orange Juice 2 oz Pineapple Juice
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Created, Designed and Provided by the:
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1. Pour all ingredients in an ice filled shaker 2. Shake it, baby shake it 3. Strain in a chilled glass 4. Garnish with an orange slice
Hope it lasts more than a few minutes!
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Trump, Ice Balls and OMG—Who Stole My Heartbeat? By Rosie Sorenson I am by nature an information junkie, which was fine when it was possible to keep up with everything. Like 20 years ago. But now it pains me to admit that I can’t keep pace. I feel like a kitten plunked down in the middle of a hailstorm. How to keep track of all those damn ice balls? Trump, for example. Google, for another. What happened to this company, started in a dorm room by two young Stan-ford students whose motto was: “Don’t Be Evil”? I read in the Bay Area News Group, April 21, 2016 that, “Google has filed a patent
application for technology that would allow it to monitor mobiledevice users’ vital signs and facial expressions so it can adjust search results according to the emotional reactions they generate.” Whatever could go wrong with this? Just imagine. Every time you search for something, Google will collect and sell to advertisers data about your “body temperature, pupil dilation, eye twitch, facial flushing, heart rate, facial features.” They think they’re so smart. They believe those reactions to be triggered solely by the advertisement a person is viewing on her smartphone. They’ve failed to take into account the other possible origins of
these physiological responses. What if the user is standing in line at Starbucks, scrolling through ads for yoga wear on her smartphone while at the same time drooling over the hot barista? That could cause pupil dilation, elevated heart rate and the incitement of twitching. Or what if a viewer is on drugs? If news reports are accurate, that would be millions of us. Viewers could be high on meth or oxy when they’re looking at an ad for, say, a Mercedes, leading the company to think, “Gosh, there are a lot of potential customers out there, more than we ever dreamed.” It’s scary enough that Big Google knows our exact location at all times, can record our conversations and vacuum up our emails. Now they plan to invade us more profoundly by hoovering up our most personal, intimate medical data. If I want a physical exam, I’ll visit my own doctor, thank you very much! Even scarier, though, is this: If Silicon Valley’s wunderkind can develop apps to detect and up-load physiological bits and bytes from us, what’s to stop them from creating an app to download zombie bytes through our smartphones into our brains? All of a sudden, we’ll develop a yen to buy a Mars Bar, or an antique drum, or the newest bra. We could be walking down a street in Manhattan when just-like-that a few thousand of us automatons rush toward the nearest “Victoria’s Secret” store. Must have new push-up bra. Now! Women stampeding, fighting at the bra table, hellbent on the perfect combination of lace, underwire and elastic. An advertiser’s wet dream, but a consumer’s nightmare.
Google’s new motto should be “All Evil, All The Time.” Here’s more information I can’t or don’t want to keep up with: The Singularity. In case you missed the memo, a famous computer genius by the name of Ray Kurzweil predicts that by the year 2045 technological advances in computers, nanotechnology, genetics, robotics and artificial intelligence will have progressed so far beyond our understanding that we will be irreversibly transformed into a mind meld of human and technology. Artificial Intelligence! Coming to a brain near you! All this talk of AI makes me cringe. And sometimes cry. We can’t even figure out how a hummingbird can flap its wings 70 times per second. Or why a human loves one person and not another. Or why a lone penguin named Dindim swims 5,000 miles every year to the beach in Brazil where Pereira de Souza rescued him five years ago. Dindim spends up to eight months each year living with the retired fisherman in his home on the island. BTW, if you don’t know about Dindim’s love story, you must Google it right now. But please be aware that your heart rate will increase, your pupils will dilate, and your smiley muscles will be stretched to the max, leading an advertiser to think you might be looking to buy a penguin. Progress. It’s not for sissies. Rosie Sorenson, MA, MFT, an awardwinning author, has written a new book: What Republican Men Know About Women. Copies are $8.00, plus $2.00 S&H. She is also the author of They Had Me at Meow: Tails of Love from the Homeless Cats of Buster Hollow; www.theyhadmeatmeow.com
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VOTED MONTEREY’S MOST AUTHENTIC BRITISH PUB
Lunch & Dinner Daily • Late Night Menu Children’s Menu • Heated Full Service Patio Impressive Selection of Single Malt Scotches & Classic Irish Whiskeys 20 beers on tap • Local wines Happy Hour 4-6pm Monday-Friday Come in for great friends, great service, a wonderful meal and a pint! www.redsdonuts.com
BRITISH OWNED & OPERATED
150 Franklin St • Old Monterey • 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net • Open Daily 11-2am
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RESALE
26364 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org
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Yellow Brick Road
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Second Chance
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Branches Resale Shoppe
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THE
SPCA Benefit Shop
TRAIL
26388 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.626.8480 www.yellowbrickroadbenefitshop.org
The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!
105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 2311 N Fremont St Monterey 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com
480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org
MPVS Benefit Shop
655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org
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A Moss Landing 46th Annual Antique & Collectable Street Fair July 31st Starting at 8am www.mosslandingchamber.com
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July 2016 Blonde: Well that’s the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can’t open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn’t budge! Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it? Blonde: Yes it did. Doctor: And what did these letter spell? Blonde: It said Pull.
Yell for Help Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out. After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others, “I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together.” The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly, “Together, together, together.”
Magic Mirror There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror. If you told a lie it would suck you in. One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world,” and it sucked her in. The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world,” and it sucked her in. Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, “I think...” and it sucked her in.
Hello UFO A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned
about detection; in fact, the letters UFO were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and then waved to the two aliens as they took off. “Do you realize what just happened?” the station owner finally uttered. “Yeah,” said the blonde attendant. “So?” “Didn’t you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!” “Yeah,” repeated the blonde. “So?” “Didn’t you see the letters UFO on the side of that vehicle?!” “Yeah,” repeated the blonde attendant. “So?” “Don’t you know what UF’ means?!” The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. “Good grief, boss! I’ve been working here for five years. Of course I know what UFO means it means Unleaded Fuel Only.
Weird Dream A blonde kept having the same weird dream every day, so she went to her doctor. Doctor: What was your dream about? Blonde: I was being chased by a vampire! Doctor: (giggles quietly) So ... what is the scenery like? Blonde: I was running in a hall way. Doctor: Then what happened?
Good Detecting Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Louisiana Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So ya’ll want to be cops, huh?” The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture and said: “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.” Then he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after a couple of seconds. “Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?” The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He only has one eye.” The detective shook his head disgustingly and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture. It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!” The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde and asked, “What about you? Did you notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?” “Yes! He only has one ear!” The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you
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just hear what I told the first lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused, too!” The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a big waste of my time, but...” He flashed the photo in this blonde’s face for a brief moment and withdrew it, saying, “All right. Did you notice anything unusual or distinguishing about this man?” The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.” The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “Why, you’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that simply by looking at his picture?” The blonde rolled her eyes dramatically and replied, “Well, with only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”
Lincoln traveled 20 miles to borrow a book so why do they close the Libraries on his birthday?
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July 2016
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Mira, WOW! By Daria James
Loving Strangers July is the month everyone is a patriot, unless you’re from New England, those guys are for the Patriots all the time. Is Tom Brady the handsomest, or what? You can call him a cheater, sure. But isn’t that what our Four Fathers did? You can ask a Native American, if you can find one. If you ask me, the Patriots are the exemplification of what patriots do. Our country has never been more divided. You got everyone focusing on everyone else but themselves, then, the other side of everyone too into themselfies to care about what they think does
not directly affect them. It is anarchy. We are the crazy cousin other countries talk about at parties we are not invited to. You guessed it, because we
Everyone is too into themselfies to care about what they think does not directly affect them. drink too much and we lose our composure, nobody likes a sloppy drunk. If you don’t believe me, just stop and think. If someone starts their sentence with, “In
America…,” more likely than not they are going to say something absurd. Just like when they start with “As a Taxpayer…” the rest of the sentence is probably insensitive. If you were offended by my previous statement, guess what? This is America! And as a taxpayer, I do not care. Back to being free. Whether the weather steers you to vote one way or another, think about the long term. Think how you will not be able to eat your organic fruits and veggies because the guys that did that job were returned to their headquarters. Think about the consequences of your actions. Or, lack thereof. Hey remember the people in first class on board the Titanic? Yep, they drowned too. While we all argue which way to steer the ship and who should be the captain, we have a giant iceberg about to hit us right in the kisser.
Q: Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in New York Harbor? A: Because she can’t sit down. Q: Does Europe have a 4th of July? A: Yes, it does. It comes right after the 3rd of July. Q: What did George Washington say to his men before they crossed the Delaware? A: “Get in the boat, men!” Q: What do you call an American drawing? A: Yankee doodle!
My son came home and told his mother he had been given the lead role in the school play. “Wonderful”, says his mother,” What character do you play?” The boy replied, “I play the part of the husband.” The mom scowls and says, “Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!” Tony and Sarah are your hosts and owners of the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be welcomed by their humor and hospitality.
Q: What was the patriots’ favorite food in the Revolutionary War? A: Chicken Catch-a-Tory!
I stopped buying natural foods when I found out eighty percent of people die from natural causes.
Q: What did the colonists wear to the Boston Tea Party? A: Tea-shirts. Q: Where the Declaration of Independence was signed? A: At the bottom.
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January 2014
JOKES
SUBMITTED
July 2016
FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
A doctor was toasting to his newly married daughter and son-in law. He appeared emotionally choked-up and stopped reading his notes several times. He apologized for not being able to read his own handwriting and asked if there was a pharmacist in the house.
Hooray for the Red, White and Blue! Answers on pg 24
Flag Washington Holiday Thirteen Colonies Fireworks Parades Barbecues Carnivals Fairs Picnics Concerts Baseball Games Family Reunions America Independence Stars Stripes
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Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign by Rex Keyes Signs, signs, everywhere a sign, telling you to do this, do that, except for the following funny signs. -Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.” -A Sign in a Vancouver Shoe Repair Shop: “We will heel you, we will save your sole, we will even dye for you.” -Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones at your cervix.” -In a Podiatrist’s Office: “Time wounds all heels.” -On a Septic Tank Truck: “Yesterday’s meals on wheels.” -At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.” -At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.” -On an Electrician’s Truck: “Let us remove your shorts.” -On a Maternity Room Door: “Push, Push, Push.” -At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet-miss a car payment.” -In a Veterinarian’s Waiting Room: “Be back in 5 minutes, sit! stay!” -In a Restaurant Window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.” -In Front of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.” -At a Propane Filling Station: “Thank heaven for little grills.” -In a Chicago Radiator Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.” -And the best one for last…. Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: “Caution, this truck is full of political promises.”
There are signs that summer is here in Monterey County. Coastal fog or low clouds roll in at evening time and roll out in late morning. There is a heck of a lot more tourists here Monday through Friday. The temperature, if we’re lucky, may actually climb into the 80s along the coast except for King City and south which climbs easily into the 90s. Carmel Beach gets packed and it is difficult to find a parking space. All the Denny’s are especially crowded for breakfast. Senior citizens flood Costco for shopping just before noon when they begin to give out free food samples. Okay, they do that in the winter too!
Salinas will again, starting in the evening, on the Fourth, sound like the Battle of the Bulge. Barbecues are on display for sale at Home Depot and Ace Hardware. There will be one big sign in Salinas that it is the 4th of July. They just passed a referendum making safe and sane fireworks legal. Salinas will again, starting in the evening, on the Fourth, sound like the Battle of the Bulge. Of course I will be looking for a sign too!! What do I barbecue on the Fourth of July? Will it be hot dogs, hamburgers, steak, chicken or ribs? Of course that sign for steak or ribs may be the on sale sign at Safeway or Star Market. Happy Independence Day to all!!
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July 2016
WHATEVER IT TAKES
By Ted Gargiulo
My wife and I are bonafide homebodies. We hate flying. Rarely, if ever, have we ventured far beyond our immediate area, leastways not since the last family reunion in 2007. We’d rather kick back in our dual recliner and watch all those pathetic airline passengers on the evening news, standing in forever security lines, or camped out in the terminal every time severe weather has grounded their flights. We hear horror stories of lost luggage, of air rage, of weary pilgrims stranded on the tarmac for hours awaiting clearance, of being rerouted to cities outside their destination. And we think,"You poor suckers! What could possibly possess you to endure this misery? If you were smart, you’d have stayed home—like us!" Haha! Then this past Easter, we received a desperate call from our daughter in Cleveland. Her husband of 13 years had passed away, and she needed us. The girl was bawling; my wife was bawling. It was tragic. "Hang on, sweet thing, we’ll be there, no matter what it takes!” We literally dropped everything and booked the first available flight out of San Francisco. Unbeknownst to us, the schlemiel driving the airbus from Monterey dropped us off in San Jose instead. So we played hell catching another airbus to San Francisco, which involved hiking nearly a mile, with our luggage, to the designated pickup point. My wife, who has asthma and COPD, was exhausted. Had anyone told us how far we’d have to walk, I’d have found her a
wheelchair. "Forget the airbus!" we vowed. "Next time we’ll FLY into Monterey.” The plane to Cleveland was so packed, they couldn’t even seat us together. We were cramped, hot, uncomfortable...and lonely. We missed our living room. But hey, when you’re on urgent family business, you do what you have to do. Right? We stayed two months. Coming back, the only affordable itinerary we could find involved a stopover in Chicago, and another in L.A. This time, we ordered a wheelchair for my wife to cover those interminable distances between gates. We also sat together...YES! (Figure, if I’m going to be pressed against another passenger’s leg, it should be my wife’s.)
We’d rather kick back in our dual recliner and watch all those pathetic airline passengers on the evening news. All went well, until we arrived in L.A. The plane took so long to find an available gate—which was so far from where we needed to be—that we nearly missed our connection. Worse, the Monterey airport was under such intense fog that night that the pilot aborted the landing and headed to San Francisco. Naturally, there was no wheelchair waiting for us there. Nor any baggage. For more than an hour, we stood around waiting for the airline to arrange
our transport back to Monterey, since it was after hours, and all their drivers were off-duty. Moreover, the boarding area was another Olympic trek from where had disembarked. When
www.foolishtimes.net the bus finally deposited us in Monterey, the airport was closed, and there were no cabs available. So we called our own, then waited another half-hour in the chilly night air before one arrived. Frankly, I cannot fathom why people would throw themselves on the mercy of the airlines if they didn’t absolutely have to. We HAD to. And we’re NOT sorry. But the concept of "whatever it takes" has since taken on a whole new meaning.
Why is it that a boss will ignore an employee’s advice and pay a consultant $200 for the same thing?
Super Summer Specials
Happy Father’s Day!
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Greeter of the Human Race By La “Bini” Sottile This is a story about GHR. Who is GHR? All I know is that this is a true story based on fiction.
GHR is being put on the stand !
practically an invisible Tsunami and its cohort the effervescent media, the bull dozer of truth! Oh yes, dear, dear JURY, it’s not our fault we are being lied to. A grand ballroom of cultures and sub-cultures buzzing in a treacherously tantalizing cacophony of technological friction that lathers and lubes the machine of immediate gratification which send us into our favorite stupor from stimulated worlds of distraction and back to the trough for the never-ending MORE. JUDGE FILMIER just told GHR that is a run-on sentence.
Ah yes, The Mall, The Mall, our main avenue of experience. Not quite the Coliseum in Rome but at least the size of a Yankee stadium! Hoorah! 4 miles of total front intestines silently garbling billions of dollars. Not so big distances being the shops but just enough to tire us, just get us a little lost, dazed and confessing to ourselves! Do not underestimate the current of this mainstream,
The HOT Topics of the day lie inside the eye of this great neon sky. Practically a university with MATH riddles in it’s vigorous reward and rebate programs. ART is Everywhere! An architectural octopus with jet propulsion to suck on the plastic fantastic. MOI, GHR, I say I spent all my money…but think of how much I have saved! Science too with the hurricane machine, talk about
GHR is being dragged into the courtroom… I was malled at the Mall! I was simply soliciting HELLO’s! Is the only business left that has any regulation! I did not know that entreating a genuine encounter was against the law! I told Security that meeting is genuine living!
blowing smoke up your…Ah! Then off to the shimmering red light district with it’s thighs sweating with oil behind a glass waiting to be licked. Eat, eat, all you want because Curvies is right next door to bail you out! Just pop in for a bit of rough riding on the elliptical machine! There are no clocks here, no use for time, a timeless Bonanza, just think what Hoss would say. I was tired and depressed and suddenly I was scooped up by the Mall Chooch! I love the Chooch Choo! I began to engage in conversation with other humans, to ask them if they too feel like I
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did and then suddenly….strong harm security has got me by my bags. JUDGE SUPREME is mumbling to the Court Guard & GHR is dripping wet! GHR being dragged out of courtroom! You may not whisk me off to jail! My next move will not be happily hopping to mate with anything that moves which isn’t small enough to eat. I will grab onto a Lily Pad and do some sightseeing. I will get a foothold with my water tight wholeness, and I will rise from the grasses and the soggy bottoms My new identity will have to be Bufo Americanus. I think I will need some new fin-like appendages for some lateral undulation…. WHO IS GHR?
831.277.3636
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July 2016
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The Answer is…the arts! “Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up.” - Pablo Picasso The arts are essential. They teach students innumerable lessons—practice makes perfect, small differences can have large effects, collaboration leads to creativity. The arts also teach children that there are several paths to take when approaching problems and that all problems can have more than one solution. Research has also shown impressive benefits of arts education on entire school cultures—especially student motivation, attitudes, and attendance. Numerous reports discuss the ways that increased access and involvement in arts education encourage students to stay in school, succeed in school, succeed in life, and succeed in work. The mission of the Arts Council for Monterey County (ACMC) is to improve the quality of life for everyone in Monterey County. That means we have more than 431,000 people to serve and 3,300 square miles to cover! We provide grants, consulting and training to nearly 90 arts programs—but gaps remain. So, we take our cues from startups—we look for opportunities to collaborate to expand our reach, capacity and impact. The Arts Council has worked with dozens of local schools and community centers where thousands of school children, youths and adults engaged in all forms of arts activities– from chorus to painting public murals, from dance to theatre, bands, poetry slams, painting, drawing and more! We organized
Exhibitions in partnership with artists and arts organizations at government agencies, hospitals, cultural centers, city halls, museums, and our Gallery in our Sunset Center offices. Our activities occurred in north, central, south county, and along the Peninsula! Through the funds we receive from the Monterey County Board of Supervisors, we provided grants to over 90 local nonprofits to support their activities and events. Each experience in music, painting, drama or dance is magical. But classes, training, performances, exhibitions or other productions don’t happen by magic alone! We hope you will be inspired to get involved in our work. Donate. Volunteer. Support. Call Executive Director Paulette Lynch at 831-622-9060 Or email paulette@arts4mc.org Our newest collaborative program engaged two hundred youth, four teaching artists, two assistants, and one Pinnacles Ranger at five elementary schools in Soledad. In just 20 weeks, they produced a glorious and inspiring musical. We also celebrated one of our most powerful collaborations recently at the Providers Luncheon at The Monterey County Probation Department Youth Center where Project Director Linda Hevern consults daily with behavioral health and juvenile justice professionals. Her award-winning team leads sixty incarcerated youth through art projects that help them discover their true potential.
Mi Planeta/ My Planet Project Brings Hundreds of Soledad Students Together. Over and over we find that the arts are the answer to deeper learning, parent engagement and school vitality. Some of the Professional Artists in the Schools (our PAS programs) are ten-week residencies. Many culminate in exhibitions or performances. This past year, we had a special opportunity to bring a number of elements together to expand our reach and deepen our impact. We had an amazing team of teaching artists: Emily Morales and Carlos Cortez (Theater), Jose Ortiz (Visual Arts), Orlando Castro (Music) and Christy Sandoval (Dance) who worked for twenty weeks with more than 200 students after school. Together they adapted a cautionary Zapotec folktale—The Woman Who Outshone the Sun/ La mujer que brillaba aún más que el sol —to create a musical set in the Pinnacles! They wrote story lines and created music and dance steps, the backdrop and costumes, and then performed for hundreds of family members. On May 24th and 26th, students from all five program sites came together onstage for lively and colorful performances that inspired good stewardship of our natural resources. We appreciate everyone who helped make this program such a great success and especially our program partners: Soledad Unified School District, Pinnacles National Park and Hijos del Sol Arts Productions and our funding
partners: California Arts Council, Nancy Buck Ransom Foundation, Pebble Beach Foundation. To explore more possibilities at your school or community center, contact Ellen Berrahmoun, Arts and Education Director: ellen@ arts4mc.org.
Veterans Mural Project Underway in Marina The Veterans Transition Center (VTC) of Monterey County in Marina is the site for a new mural project focused on healing and creative expression. The mural design merges painted imagery with individual wooden tiles created by veterans in weekly classes. Participating vets are encouraged to explore personal symbols for inner strength, memory, transformation and resiliency. The completed outdoor mural wall and a planned Healing Garden will eventually be a showpiece stop along a future Veterans Walk. Special thanks to the California Arts Council Veterans Initiative in the Arts for the funding that made it possible for the ACMC to field a professional team of muralists and teaching artists, led by internationally renowned Johanna Poethig. Classes are held at the Veterans Transition Center on Mondays from 1-3 pm, July-August 2016 at Martinez Hall - 220 12th St. Marina, CA All veterans are eligible for these free classes. To participate, please contact: Trinity Salazar - at 831-883-8387, ext. 231, Email: tsalazar@vtcmonterey.org
New Funding Available for Cultural Groups and Art Programs The ACMC has announced new grants opportunities for art programs and cultural groups. All art festivals, programs and
www.foolishtimes.net cultural groups with annual budgets less than $100,000 are eligible to apply - thanks to new funding from the William and Flora Hewlett Foundation. The purpose of these new grants is to further increase access and opportunity for all Monterey County residents. In addition to funding, Arts Council staff will provide consultation and help selected groups connect with additional resources. The new grants are designed to serve small groups that may or may not have a 501©(3) designation. Contact Klara Hickmanova at klara@arts4mc.org. Community Engagement Coordinator Berniz House will answer any questions in English or Spanish at anytime - berniz@arts4mc.org. Groups are welcome to apply anytime; grant requests will be reviewed monthly.
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The cure for love at first site is to take another look.
MAMF 2016 poster_Layout 1 6/2/16 5:01 PM Page 1
How’d You Like to Live Here?
P R E S E N TS
AM E R I C AN A
MUSIC
&
CR AF T
BEER
Saturday, July 23, 2016 11AM- 7PM
Monterey County Fairgrounds and Event Center 2004 Fairground Road, Monterey
5:30 PM
Paul Thorn 4 PM
Jim Lauderdale 2:30 PM
The Americans 1 PM
Bummerville, CA Disco, Illinois No Stop, Kentucky Nameless, Tennessee Two Egg, Florida Who’d a Thought It, Alabama Why, Arizona
The Mastersons 11:30 AM
Dylan '66
Featuring Tom Ayres
Gates open at 11AM Show starts at 11:30AM Tickets $30 advance, $40 at the gate For more information and advance tickets go to www.montereyamericanafestival.com
C H E C K
U S
O U T
O N
F AC E B O O K
AT
M O N T E R E Y
A M E R I C A N A
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July 2016
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Foolish Sudoku
Foolish Search
Answers
Answers
A tour guide was leading a group around Washington, D.C., when he pointed to the Potomac River. “That’s where tradition has it that George Washington was standing when he threw a coin to the other side.” “I don’t believe it,” scoffed one of the tourists. “No one could throw a coin that far.” “You have to keep in mind,”The guide said, “that money went a lot further in those days.”
from page 10
from page 19
Guide to Local Businesses & Services COMPUTER REPAIR Seaside Computer Services Your computer bugging you? Is it running slow? Does it have a virus? Just give us a call By the way, diagnostic is always FREE (831) 224-2905
CA TRAVEL BOOKS Venturing out? CA Road Trips Staycation? Monterey & Carmel staurtthornton.com
HANDYMAN Bob
I can fix, repair or replace most things. Electrical, carpentry, plumbing painting, auto and computers systems. I am truly a handy man!
831.717.7917
DOG SITTING & WALKING Central Coast Pet Sitter
No need to leave your pet alone. Since 2009, offering dog walking, pet sitting & yes... cat walking too! Bonded & Insured 831.524.3675
MAID SERVICE
MUSIC
CHRISTIAN APPAREL
Lily’s House Cleaning
DJ Vossenova
Come As You Are Christian Store
Dependable. Thorough.Punctual 15 years of keeping homes clean Residential. Commercial. Move outs. Complimentary estimates
831.917.3937
Lovable professional DJ features the greatest music of all time from the 50's, 60's & 70's.
831.236.5994 oldiestogo.com
CERAMICS ESSENTIAL OILS Have fun and learn how these all natural products can enhance you life mydoterra.com/sweetzies/#
TheCentralCoastPetSitter.com
To Promote On Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038
Premier store offering quality items that speak of your faith. Apparel, accessories and gifts 16 Mid-Town, Oldtown Salinas 831.756.0768
AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com
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KNOCK OFF it
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in it’s cold out here!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Adore. Adore who? Adore is between us. Open up! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Mango! Mango who? Mango to the door and just answer it! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Gorilla! Gorilla who? Gorilla burger! I’ve got the buns! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Avenue. Avenue who? Avenue knocked on this door before? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Isabell. Isabell who? Is a bell working? Knock, knock. Who’s there Amish Amish Who? Aw How sweet. I miss you too. Knock, knock. Who’s there?
Tank. Tank who? Your welcome!
Knock, knock Who’s there? Justin. Justin who? Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Police. Police who? Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Egg. Egg who? Eggcited to see me? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up, it’s cold out here! Knock, knock. Who’s there? A herd. A herd who? A herd you were home, so I came over! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ice cream! Ice cream who? Ice cream if you don’t let me in! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Annie. Annie who? Annie body home?
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July 2016
July 1-23
CSU Summer Arts
This is the 5th and last year of this event that offers quality visual, literary, media and performing arts events for all of us to experience. csusummerarts.org
July 1-Aug 1
Teen Writing Contest
A change to express yourself and be published before you reach English 1-A in college and the red ink blood bath. Maybe that was just me. Writer’s group meetings once a month. monterey.org/library
www.foolishtimes.net
More 4th of July
July 9
Mommy and Me
Connect with resources, vendors, artists and have an all around fun day for new and expecting moms. mommyandmebabyfair.com
Fool’s Paradise Day
How can it be paradise if fools inhabit the place? Look around, we’re everywhere.
July 14-31
Evita
July 10
Teddy Bear Picnic Day
Hang out with the most beloved stuffed toy ever. A good day to donate to Teddy Bears with Heart. teddybearswithheart.org
Blues in the Park
Celebrate with a parade down Alvarado Street followed by a lawn party at Colton Hall. Twilight concert at Golden State Theater featuring Monterey Pops. www.oldmonterey.org
July 13
July 23
Americana Music Fest
July 10- Aug 7
Downtown Celebrations
Sip, swirl, and celebrate. That’s what they say and I believe them. Benefits Carmel Mission Foundation. carmelbytheglass.com
Fireworks
Parade of Champions
4th of July
Carmel by the Glass
www.salinassportscomplex.com www.soledad4thofjuly.com
3th of July Everyone loves a parade. A family tradition through the streets of Seaside. www.sspoc.org
July 22
www.parks.ca.gov www.pacificgrove.org www.ci.carmel.ca.us.com
An Andrew Lloyd Weber production that charts the rags to riches rise of the First Lady of Argentina. www.mpctheatreco.com
July 23 July 16-30
Carmel Bach Fest
79th season packed with music of Bach, his predecessors and heirs in a diverse array of musical experiences. www.bachfestival.org
Kiddie Kaper
Imagine 1,200 kids parading through the streets of Oldtown on floats, bikes, walking or carried. Stop imagining, its real. www.carodeo.com
Rodney Carrington
This colorful multi-talented guitar slinging comedian is in town for two shows during Big Week. salinassportscomplex.com
July 27-31
Feast of Lanterns
Laguna Grande Park is the place to be for free Sunday shows featuring touring blues bands. www.ci.seaside.ca.us
July 11
You would be foolish not to show up for this great line-up of five bands including Paul Thorn closing out the day. montereyamericanafestival. com
A PG tradition of weeklong family entertainment featuring a parade and fireworks. www.feastoflanterns.org
July 21-24
CA Rodeo
A top rodeo in America. Over 700 cowboys and girls compete for money and coveted buckles. www.carodeo.com
July 31
Moss Landing Antique Street Fair
Comb over 200 vendors for this annual event for the hard to find trinket or collectible. Mosslandingchamber.com
July 2016
www.foolishtimes.net
To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038
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