Foolish Times July 2017 by Foolishtimes

July 2017

Where were you between 5 and 6?

Kindergarten. Event Calendar Âť Pg. 26

July 2017

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July 2017

What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

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List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fools.................................Hutch Intern Fools............................Davis M. Olivia D. Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool......................Jonah Dee

Contributors

Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Olivia Doskey-Mulvaney, Ted Gargiulo, Dennis Hengeveld, Zachary Michael Jack, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Stacy Lininger, David Mendez, Chris Myers, Loann Nguyen, David Schmidt, Chuck Shepherd, Laura Sottile, Monty Truitt

The Chucklehead Speaks Let’s all rise and sing: God bless America, land that I love. Stand beside her, it’s the illusion that I can guide her Through the grocery store aisles lit from above. From the meat department, to the deli, To detergents, things that foam. Let’s stop the song right there: Because of sacrifices by our forefathers (and amazing women), we have freedom to make choices. Do I get sucked in by Palmolive’s incentive, “Attracts Grease and Stains?” How can this be? There are laws that restrict attacks. Do I have to call for a civil standby just to do dishes? Where’s a cop when you need one? Ajax has a 100 percent grease removal guarantee on a 10 ounce bottle at the same price as the bottle offering 25 percent extra with Triple Action. Not sure I define the word “action” the same way as the manufacturer so always go for more size.

Purchase cleaning products with pretty pictures of fruit on the label. This may come in handy if you’re hypoglycemic. Just squirt the product down your throat with hope and a prayer there are 26 grams of sugar per serving. And you wonder why we’re a litigious society. I’m sure there are a bunch of relatives turning over in their graves thinking, “I left you with opportunity and all you can do is worry about how to remove food residue on your plates and cookware? I gave you freedom and you create confusion. We had no such problems in the old country. We had soap. Soap cleans everything you wussy.” Back to the song: God Bless the detergent aisles, my foam sweet foam.

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Foolish Times

P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942

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July 2017

Reinkarmanation

by Robyn Justo

At times I wonder if perhaps we need to keep coming back to planet Earth to get it right, to recede and be reseeded to learn the kindergarten 101 small stuff and the “do or don’t unto others including animals and plant life” rules. It’s the small things that matter. There was a sign on one of the side streets in Carmel that said, “Don’t sit on the plants.” I mean, really? We now have to be told? Is it that humans have lost all peripheral vision as if we can’t see or feel what is around us, coleus and cactus included? Case in point. Sidewalks. I know this is a beautiful and very Originallittle non abriviated-20,000 Leaguesand (1).psd captivating village here

sometimes visitors might get a wee bit tipsy from the lattes, wine, pastries, ice cream and power shopping, but if I saw someone walking at a pretty good clip down the street I would assume they were on a mission with intent and the last thing I would do is scoot out right in front of them and slow down to a snail’s pace, much like we do (or don’t) on the freeway. But it happens. Two women cut in on my beeline the other day and I slowed down because they took up the entire width of the sidewalk, not by girth or anything, but by slowly blocking and weaving. I wanted so badly to say, “Hey, I’m walkin’ here!” but I was 6/19/2017 3:34:30 PM patient until they stopped so I said

“Excuse me” and slipped by. One of them let out an exasperated sigh. What? Did I forget to beep? Had I been cloaked when they did it to me without a thought? Why didn’t it matter to them when they cut me off or have I become a nonresonant resident (or an invisible one?) Maybe the hamster wheel is spinning too fast for humans to notice one another. I was at the gym the other day and was on the leg press machine when I heard the loudest crackling sound. I noticed that a woman on one of the treadmills had an empty plastic water bottle and she was smashing it down with her hand. Ok. Sound and wincing over. I pressed on.

Maybe the hamster wheel is spinning too fast for humans to notice one another.

www.foolishtimes.net a sack of these things. She was wearing earmuffs. Not earbuds. Earmuffs. I know that my bionic hearing is often off the charts, but as I looked over at one of the young gals who works at the gym, I saw that her eyes were bulging out of her head. “WHY is she doing that?” she implored. My jaw had dropped and was stuck that way. I shook my head. The excruciating sound went on and on. These weren’t the kind of crunches I imagined at my new gym. Why would someone bring a sack of bottles to a gym and crush them for everyone else to hear? Maybe to them it isn’t a U-niverse as much as a ME-niverse. I don’t get it. So it took all of the restraint I had not to cut in on that treadmill, rip off her earmuffs, and blast my invisible horn in her little inconsiderate ears. Ok, maybe that is a bit harsh. Or maybe she hasn’t been on Planet Earth that long. So if you see someone sitting on a plant or someone cuts in front of you without braking when you are trying to get somewhere fast (sometimes braking good, you know), I think it’s perfectly ok to ask… “First time here?”

But it happened again, and again…then again…and again. I pressed harder. Turns out she had

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Which colonists told the most jokes? Punsylvanians!

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July 2017

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ORGANIC Bay of Pines Ocean-themed decór, organic soups, salads, beef, chicken, pasta & burgers. Beer & wine. Experience the organic difference. 150 Del Monte Ave, Monterey 831.920.3560 www.bayofpinesrestaurant.com

DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444

CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience. 429 Alvarado St Monterey 831.3331288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com

SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy

BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net

ITALIAN

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Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net

MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 Sarita’s Call it what it is...the original place, the namesake, where it all started. You will call it the best! Eat in, take-out, catering 21 Soledad St Monterey 831.350.0555 www.saritastogo.com

WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!

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THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by award-winning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223

INDIAN Namaste India Bistro House mixed spices accent freshly prepared Indian food for a modern interpretation of classic dishes. Dine in, take-out and delivery. Lunch buffet daily. 538 Lighthouse Ave, Monterey 831.641.0130 www.namasteindiabistro.com

SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/ bar available. 1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com

July 2017

www.foolishtimes.net Pete stops dancing and says, “My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do some thing sexy to a tractor.” [to attract her] Q: Why didn’t the man report his stolen credit card? A: The thief was spending less then his wife.

A man goes to see a wizard and says, “Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?” “Maybe,” says the wizard, “Can remember the exact words of the curse?” The man replies, “I pronounce you man and wife.”

while I’m really looking for my sister.” She discovers the aunt in the bathroom closet in the nude, and gives her a slap, “How dare you! My husband is having a heart attack and you’re running around scaring the kids!”

You know you’re getting old when your wife says, “Honey, let’s run upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “I can’t do both.”

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what’s wrong, and the kids reply that aunt Sally was in the house naked. So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, “What’s going on?” He replies, “I’m having a heart attack.” She says, “I’m going to call 911,

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, “Quick, bring me a beer before it starts.” She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, “Quick, bring me another beer. It’s gonna start.”

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington? Because the horse was too heavy to carry.

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, “Quick, another beer before it starts.” “That’s it!” She blows her top, “You jerk! You waltz in here, flop your big butt down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don’t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?” The husband sighed. “Oh darn, it started!” Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere. “What are you doing!” asks Bob.

A funeral service was being held for a young woman who had just passed away. As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket. They opened the casket and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her out, her husband yelled, “Watch out for that wall!”

Mark stopped in the Crown and Anchor after work where he sees his good friend Tom gulping down shot after shot. Fearing the worst, Mark confronted his friend. “Tom what’s going on?” “It’s my wife Beckie,” Tom replied. “She ran off with my best friend!” “Hey wait a second,” said Mark “I thought I was your best friend?” “Not anymore,” Tom said with a happy smile. “He is!” Tony and Sarah are your hosts and owners of the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be delighted by their hospitality and humor.

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July 2017

Comments Welcome: lalaugh6@gmail.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram Great balls of fire! Everybody is on edge! They sense the war going on inside you. You want to help others in crisis, that’s understood, but what about your interior bedlam? I know you have dreams of victory. Concern yourself first, with your own precious hide or you’ll be gone with the wind. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Fiddle de dee! Why fix it if it ain’t broke you say, yet you’d like to improve things without really changing. This is a battle that resembles beating yourself with a cornstalk, fiddle de dumb! You can still hold on to sweet memories such as Magnolia’s in the moonlight. Simply mix in some texting with that chivalrous perfumed air before you are left behind in the bull dung dust. Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins Such rarefied swaying - you are a lullaby in a hammock. Loving that constant change of scenery, to,fro, high and low. Ouch! Yet when pinned to the rose bush the only device to subdue that crazed field hen responsiveness is to administer chloroform. Take heed Gem, I hear it’s a rush! Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Such an elaborate array of defenses on your Birf-Day! What on God’s Earth are you snapping about?! Are ya feelin’ kinda poorly, gangrenous or panicky? That battle all up inside you must surrender to another year, otherwise the skies rain death and all else divine falls silent. Time to

pucker up, be kissed plenty hard, and to fix your gaze upon the violet candle flame. Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion Your instinct for getting attention is a majestic intervention! I do declare as the Leo president Clinton has 22 planets in Leo, while we mignons of society only bare 12. His Cuppeth Runneth over, as does yours, and you don’t even have to lie, cheat, spill or drill for it ... glory be the merciful lions! Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin Show your bosom, you are a vegetable in season! You have been hand-picked to ripen before your next root removal. You have a chance at completing everything. This is a slice, a turn to shine, don’t make me want to wish you into a pork rind. Full steam your head! Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Dareth I say it’s quittin’ time! You’re working it too hard. That goodie goodie charm, thick as molasses is ringing everybody’s bell into a shudder. Relationships are not built on brick and mortar, they are merely entwined. I know’s you hate to be alone, but you can always rely on eating barbecue in the warm, still, country twilight and then gingerly say, Ya’ll come back now! You can start your cursing once they’re passed the fence.

Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion In this case, it just ain’t fittin’ to peek under the petticoat! Your complex mind makes it difficult to skim the surface. You may want to curb your inquisitiveness with a shallow dive on this next venture. I hear that skin flakes are a treasure chest just poised for deep analysis! Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer You shall stay unfettered forever, no strings attached, not even scraps of hand-spun wool. You are landing on opportunities where there is no Terra Firma ... a carpetbagger of sorts these days? Shying away from deep scarlet emotions, runs you at risk of an unraveling tear across your heart. In the end, frankly, who will give a damn? Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat Don’t stand there like a scared goat, remember you are a born climber. You have reached the top! Do you have a reflective instrument to see the real you? A mirror will do, and glory is the view. The war is over, you know now what it was all for?

By Bini Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier Obstinate as a mule! In battle, long after you’ve crossed enemy lines, you are still in contemplation. How independent are you to be? The world around you has fallen to pieces under your compass, and you’re wavering. As God is my witness, tomorrow, usually, is another day. Celebrate and stop disturbing the peace. Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes Oh Great Pale Tuna throw away them crutches! In, as usual, a bizarre, though perhaps apt, twist of fate, the world you’ve been trying to escape from has become the world you’ve been trying to escape to! Now these turbulent spherical energies have finally synthesized into stable chaos. Oh Fishies, like I said to Aquarius; tomorrow is another day ... in case all this goes straight to hell.

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Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell? Yeah, it cracked me up!

July 2017

Consent to APP

By Davis Mendez

I know a guy who has been on more Tinder dates than he has had hot meals. Recently, he told me about his latest date. He said, “They never look like their picture. Never. And this girl was no different. We met at a café. Look, I’m no Brad Pitt so I got no podium to judge from, I know this. But still I tried to avoid her. I walked right past her and headed for the bathroom, but I heard someone say my name. I couldn’t get in the bathroom quick enough. “That was a mistake. I should’ve simply walked right back out. I trapped myself! I washed my hands for like half an hour, hoping she would be gone by the time I was done. No such luck. Hers was the first face I saw when I opened the door, with this toothy smile like a great white about to make contact. I was terrified.

My mouth dropped but I had to smoothly transition it into a smile. We exchanged pleasantries while I tried to make up a reason to leave. “She had already bought us pastries and coffee. So I sat there and drank my coffee as this girl used her teeth to rip open 10, I counted, sugar packets into her coffee, and before she bit her eleventh she handed it to me and asked if I wanted one. I took it just to not have her pour another one. The date went on, and I nodded along, looked around the café as I hoped someone I knew would come in. “No such luck. What luck I did have was the girl took out a flask and poured herself a drink. She offered me one, and you know me I don’t drink but I took that flask so fast I scared her. I poured myself half the cup and chugged

WHY YOU WILL NEVER BE RICH Buy things you can’t afford But it was on sale

Spend ﬁrst, save what is left over Like a good meal, there are no leftovers

You like your steady paycheck No risk, no reward

You married a guy named Rich, not a rich guy Enough said

Don’t step out of your comfort zone Taking calculated risk helps achieve success

No investments Your bar tab in not an investment

www.foolishtimes.net it. Now, due to my sensitive constitution that alcohol affected me like it would an observant Christian. “I had another shot. “Not that I can’t remember what happened next, but I don’t understand my reasoning. She wasn’t drunk. But she got an Uber. I told her my address, and she convinced me that it would be a better idea if I spent the night at her place. I nodded along and didn’t think anything of it.

So I sat there and drank my coffee as this girl used her teeth to rip open 10, I counted, sugar packets into her coffee. “We got to her place, an apartment on the outskirts of the city, and she offered me more to drink, but I’d had enough. We sat on the couch and watched Netflix, while her two cats huddled at our feet like slippers. Her place was surprisingly clean. Full of books and odd folksy artwork. “After a while she started googlyeyeing me and I leaned in for a kiss. She got all serious like and took out her phone. I looked at her sideways as she spent a minute on it before she presented it to me and asked if I had a certain app. I didn’t know what it was. It’s the Consent app, she told me, you download it to consent with each other in sexual adventures. I didn’t know there was such a thing. She grabbed my phone off the coffee table and asked me for my password. I looked at her incredulously. If we’re gonna kiss we must do this, she said. “That’s when I really sobered up,”

Q. A man drove 2,000 miles with his family without knowing he had a flat tire. How come? A. It was his spare tire that was flat. Q. What has cities without houses, rivers, without water, and forests without trees? A. A road map. Q. When is a house not on land and not on water? A. When it’s on fire! Q. What would you call a short, sunburned outlaw riding a horse? A. Little Red Riding Hood. Q. Why wasn’t the outlaw buried in the town cemetery? A. Because he wasn’t dead? Q. What cattle follow you wherever you go? A. Your calves. Q. A cowboy went on a trip on Friday, stayed three days, and came back on Friday. How is that possible? A. His horse was named Friday. Q. If lightning strikes an orchestra, who is most likely to get hit? A. The conductor.

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July 2017

MAKE ME

Summer of Love Strawberries Ingredients • 1 lb strawberries, hulled & quartered • 2 1⁄3 cup all-purpose flour • 1.5 sticks butter, soft • ¾ cup sugar • 3 egg yolks

• 2 whole eggs • 1⁄3 cup sour cream • 1 tsp lemon juice • 1 tsp vanilla extract • 1 tsp baking powder • ½ tsp baking soda • 1 tsp salt

I CAME ALL THE WAY FROM ENGLAND TO TELL YOU MY SON IS THE BEST!

DIRECTIONS 1. Mix strawberries with four tsp sugar 2. Cover and refrigerate overnight 3. Strain & chop berries. Set aside 4. Combine flour, baking powder, baking soda & salt 5. Beat butter with remaining sugar until fluffy 6. Mix in egg yolks & eggs 7. Add sour cream, lemon juice & vanilla extract 8. Add flour. Fold in strawberries 9. Butter Bundt pan and pour in batter 10. Bake at 325 degrees for 50 mins. Test with toothpick 11. Invert cake onto cooling rack and serve

• • • •

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July 2017

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on the

FOOL

CURB

Super Summer Specials

1. Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his cap Macaroni? 2. What is illegal to do with a fork in Georgia? 3. Should toilet paper roll over or under?

Michael Frederiksen

1: He was probably wasted 2: I’m sure it’s illegal to stab people with it. Something to do with something sexual or with food, or violent. Something involving all those. 3: Over. I think there are only two good reasons to put it under. If you have a cat, baby or toddler who can pull it down and yank it all out.

Come See Tony

Erica Lesko

1: Because he was cheesy. 2: Stab a cow. I bet that’s illegal in most countries. I’m going to say line dance. 3: Under, I think. No no no no. Over, over. Because you’re wiping your butt and it’s over the moon, the cow jumped over the moon.

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.

Jack Olvera

1: Cause he was crazy kid. 2: To eat. Probably because they’re pretty strict over there to eat pasta. They don’t do pasta. That’s a fact. 3: Over because it’s just easier that way. It’s more natural. Because then it’s like you’re bending over and it doesn’t work.

Alex Harvin

1: To celebrate beating the British. 2: Kill someone. It’s especially illegal to kill someone in Georgia. 3: Upright on the counter (demonstrated by pantomiming dropping TP on the table)

Lawrence Harris

1: That was the girl he was going to meet that night. To seal the relationship. 2: It’s illegal to have sex and enjoy it. 3: I carry it around with me in my pocket just in case. It’s not over or under its part of my being. Answers on page 24

July 2017

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Mira, WOW! By Daria James

Sun’s Out, Guns Out July is the month America converts into ‘Murica, think werewolf transformation. It grows a mullet and a ratty mustache; the sleeves rip off its shirt and grab a case of good old legendary American beer. It does not apply sunscreen, global warming is a fraud and that is how you get that nice farmer’s tan, of course, you want to add a dash of class and throw in a trucker hat and some aviator sunglasses from the gas station. Fortunately, all of the previous items can be found in one stop at any gas station. Like Halloween but for the whole country, we are expected to morph into this character, and the

American thing to do. Well, I for one, will not second that notion. I like to be the best version of me I can be, some days it can be more challenging than others. After all, I am only human.

I like to be the best version of me I can be, some days it can more challenging than others. I also understand I am bound to be grouped with other mindliked individuals, or people that share my beautiful features. I

even lost track of how many times people have asked me if I am from Seattle just because I like to wear flannel shirts and rock the side bangs. Seriously, flannels are a way of life, comfortable and practical all year-round. You do not have to be from Seattle or Los Angeles. Personally, I am not into labels but I think someone is not as smart as they say they are when they blame my women “issues” just because they cannot articulate a good rebuttal on a particular matter. At the same time, I know I have won the argument and I dust off my shoulder. When I lived in Japan, the Jersey Shore was a popular TV show. It made me cringe. One Japanese friend asked me if parties were like what she saw on that show. I said no! That is a show depicting Italian stereotypes. For a more accurate portrayal I recommended her to watch the Godfather, because leave the gun, take the cannoli! What is the matter with you, huh?! As we try to figure things out, the old mentalities are slowly vanishing, change happens in a painfully slow manner, but it happens. We just need to remain constant and continue watering the seed of change. Not too long ago, people owned people, women

could not own properties or have jobs in America. Do not take that for granted. Honestly, I do not think that was that great, even though I was not on this planet. When I do not engage with fools, I am working on myself. I am making small changes when I forgive them and I move on, more importantly, I am taking their power away. What’s a mob of fools to a King? Before I decide to engage, I think about the outcome. Is it worth it? Besides personal satisfaction, I think bigger picture. I work with my ego. Instead of posting landscape pictures with motivational quotes on social media, just be the change. Actions speak louder and people will take notice. Tilt of the trucker hat to you ‘Murica!

Ben Franklin-ism: Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today.

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TUNE IN 9-10AM Every Saturday morning

Year of the rooster

LOCAL GUYS ON

LOCAL RADIO also streaming on www.shagbagshow.com

July 2017

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By Chuck Shepherd

Sweet, Sweet Revenge

the fine.

• It is legal in China to sell electric “building shakers” whose primary purpose apparently is to wreak aural havoc on apartmentdwellers’ unreasonably noisy neighbors. Models sell for the equivalent of $11 to $58 — each with a long pole to rest on the floor, extending ceiling height to an electric motor braced against the shared ceiling or wall and whose only function is to produce a continuous, thumping beat. Shanghaiist.com found one avenger in Shaanxi province who, frustrated by his miscreant neighbor, turned on his shaker and then departed for the weekend. (It was unclear whether he faced legal or other repercussions.)

• Last year, surgeons at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP), for only the second time in history, removed a tumor “sitting” on the peanut-sized heart of a fetus while the heart was still inside the mother’s womb — in essence successfully operating on two patients simultaneously. The Uruguayan mother said her initial reaction upon referral to CHOPs surgeons was to “start laughing, like what, they do that?” (The baby’s December birth revealed that the tumor had grown back and had to be removed again, except this time, through “ordinary” heart surgery.)

Can’t Possibly Be True • Mats Jarlstrom is a folk hero in Oregon for his extensive research critical of the short yellow light timed to the state’s red-light cameras, having taken his campaign to TVs “60 Minutes” and been invited to a transportation engineers’ convention. In January, Oregon’s agency that regulates engineers imposed a $500 fine on Jarlstrom for “practicing engineering” without a state license. (The agency, in fact, wrote that simply using the phrase “I am an engineer” is illegal without a license, even though Jarlstrom has a degree in engineering and worked as an airplane camera mechanic.) He is suing to overturn

• The word “Isis” arrived in Western dialogue only after the 2003 invasion of Iraq, as an acronym for the Islamic State, and the Swahili word “Harambe” was known to almost no one until May 2016 when the gorilla “Harambe” (named via a local contest) was put down by a Cincinnati zoo worker after it had dragged an adventurous 3-year-old boy away. In April, a Twitter user and the website Daily Dot happened upon a 19-year-old California restaurant hostess named Isis Harambe Spjut and verified with state offices that a driver’s license (likely backed by a birth certificate) had been issued to her. (“Spjut” is a Scandinavian name.)

News You Can Use • Earn $17,500 for two months’ “work” doing nothing at all!

France’s space medicine facility near Toulouse is offering 24 openings, paying 16,000 euros each, for people simply to lie in bed continuously for two weeks so it can study the effects of virtual weightlessness. The institute is serious about merely lying there: All bodily functions must be accomplished while keeping at least one shoulder on the bed.

Government in Action • Sidewalk Wars: Thirty-four residents of State Street in Brooklyn, New York, pay a tax of more than $1,000 a year for the privilege of sitting on their front stoops (a pastime which, to the rest of New York City, seems an inalienable right). (The property developer had made a side deal with the city to allow the tax in exchange for approving an architectural adjustment.) • The town of Conegliano, Italy, collects local taxes on “sidewalk shadows” that it applies to cafes or businesses with awnings, but also to stores with a single overhanging sign that very slightly “blocks” sun. Shop owners told reporters the tax felt like Mafia “protection” money.

Finer Points of the Law • “Oh, come on!” implored an exasperated Chief Justice Roberts in April when the Justice Department lawyer explained at oral argument that, indeed, a naturalized citizen could have his citizenship retroactively canceled just for breaking a single law, however minor — even if there was never an arrest for it. Appearing incredulous, Roberts hypothesized that if “I drove 60 miles an hour in a 55-mile-anhour zone,” but was not caught and then became a naturalized citizen, years later the government “can knock on my door and say, ‘Guess what? You’re not an American citizen after all’?” The

government lawyer stood firm. (The Supreme Court decision on the law’s constitutionality is expected in June.)

Wait, What? • Emily Piper and her husband went to court in January in Spokane, Washington, to file for a formal restraining order against a boy who is in kindergarten. Piper said the tyke had been relentlessly hassling their daughter (trying to kiss her) and that Balboa Elementary School officials seem unable to stop him. • A private plane crashed on takeoff 150 feet from the runway at Williston (Florida) Municipal Airport on April 15, killing all four on board, but despite more than a dozen planes having flown out of the same airport later that day, no one noticed the crash site until it caught the eye of a pilot the next afternoon.

Least Competent Criminals • Didn’t Think It Through: Edwin Charge Jr., 20, and two accomplices allegedly attempted a theft at a Hood River, Oregon business on April 23, but fled as police arrived. The accomplices were apprehended, but Charge took off across Interstate 84 on foot, outrunning police until he fell off a cliff to his death. • Police said Tara Cranmer, 34, tried to elude them in a stolen truck on tiny Ocracoke Island, North Carolina, on April 22. Since it is an island, the road ends, and she was captured on the dunes after abandoning the truck.

July 2017

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The New Wonder Woman

V ers es

By Rex Keyes

Xena, Warrior Princess

If one goes on the internet, one will find pages and pages on the new Wonder Woman. And Wikipedia has thousands of words in its article describing every little detail about the making of the new Wonder Woman, the directors, actors, theme of the story, etc. I’ve never seen so much publicity or information about any movie except this one.

Wonder Woman is made for the new generation. Of course, there is a small revolt against the movie and that is from the old time followers of “Xena, Warrior Princess.” They say that the new modern Wonder Woman movie was in its initial stage of writing in 1996 when Xena was a very popular TV series and that they copied Xena’s persona with some slight design modifications and gave it to Wonder Woman. In other words the 2017 Wonder Woman is a knockoff, a virtual copy, of Xena. Oh, the shame, stealing from a TV program of another heroine to make a movie. So from the protestors here is what items the producers of Wonder Woman copied from poor ol’ Xena I will use the abbreviation WW for Wonder Woman. Xena had long black hair, WW same. Xena carried a sword (which was normal 3,000 years ago), WW same. Xena sometimes carried a shield, WW same. Xena had arm braces, WW same. Xena carried a weapon on her right hip,

WW same. Xena wore a metal chest plate, WW same. Xena had boots up to her knees, WW same. Xena rides a horse, WW same. Xena is known as Warrior Princess; WW, Amazon Princess. So, except for a few small differences, Wonder Woman is a clone of Xena, Warrior Princess. Ares, the Greek god of war, shows up quite often in the TV series Xena. Ares also shows up in Wonder Woman the movie and that takes place in 1918. It is amazing that Ares and other Greek gods (not the Roman gods) show up in 1918. Wonder Woman is an Amazon. If it weren’t for Xena helping the Amazons centuries ago, they would have been wiped out, hence no Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman is made for the new generation. But Wonder Woman has virtually no comedy. Xena, in a lot of her episodes, has a lot of comedy and humor. She even has a sidekick named Gabrielle and she throws in some comedy. Anyone who has seen the new movie, Wonder Woman, can also see Xena on TV as the series is now being shown. And one can compare the two heroines as mentioned above. That is not to say that Wonder Woman is not a good film, it is action packed, and the main character is out to fight evil (just like Xena). But once you watch Xena and her sidekick Gabrielle, oh, I forgot that Aphrodite, the goddess of love is also in it, you will be hooked on that program and its comedy. Have a Happy 4th of July!!!

JULY 30TH

Santa Cruz Sentinel Wine & Travel Magazine Foolish Times

July 2017

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Divorced Socks By Debbie Harris There’s a spot on my dresser where I keep them—the divorced socks. They all start out with a partner; they come from the store that way. I think they have a civil ceremony at the factory before they are packaged. Right from the start they are worn together, alternating left and right as needed. They are folded together and rest peacefully in the drawer together, canoodling, waiting for another outing.

Maybe one was cozying up to a sweater too much and the other got jealous.

Then one day they take a trip through the washer and dryer, the Disneyland for socks, something happens and they split. Who knows what caused the separation. Maybe one was cozying up to a sweater too much and the other got jealous. Maybe one was flirting with some bras.

The Lily of France bra can be such a tease. A sock could easily succumb to a French accent. Whatever the reason, the socks split. One comes out but its spouse doesn’t. Just where does the wayward sock go? Is it stuck in a trap some place, trying to have an affair with some lint? Is it floating in the sewer system, trying out the singles scene? Meanwhile, its faithful mate waits for that point in the laundry folding when it’s determined that its mate is gone. It lies there, waiting to mate, only to be placed on the dresser with the rest of the divorced socks. They all lie there looking sad and lonely. Sometimes there is a reunion, like when I put on a freshly laundered sweater and as I put my arm through the sleeve, out pops a sock. Or I pull a nightgown from the drawer, put it on, take two steps and a sock lands on the floor. The reunions are touching as the renegade sock apologizes for the split and the two are folded and placed in the drawer, snuggling together and getting

reacquainted. “Reunited and it feels so good . . .” Aaaaah! Then there are the socks that just lie there week after week, unmated. I wonder how they get through the day, wondering if their mate is ever coming back. Do they consider developing a relationship with one of the other mateless socks on the dresser, an interstyle relationship? Do they think about going on sockmatch. com to try to find another solemate? Do they long to be coupled, folded into the drawer feeling complete? My dilemma is deciding how long to keep divorced socks. When do I give up on a reunion and turn the single sock into a dust rag—or put it in the donation box to be purchased by a young girl who wears mismatched socks on purpose? If both socks are the same color, I might force an interstyle relationship and wear the pair on yard work days. Should I go through all the clingy clothes to see if one is harboring a wayward sock? Murphy’s Law tells me that as soon as I get rid of a mateless sock, I’ll find its partner. So I keep the faith that all single socks will be reunited with their partners and peace and harmony will once again rein in the sock drawer.

July 2017

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Magic Mirror There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror. If you told a lie it would suck you in. One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world,” and it sucked her in. The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world,” and it sucked her in. Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, “I think...” and it sucked her in.

Hello UFO A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters UFO were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and then waved to the two aliens as they took off. “Do you realize what just happened?” the station owner finally uttered. “Yeah,” said the blonde attendant. “So?” “Didn’t you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!” “Yeah,” repeated the blonde. “So?”

July 2017

“Didn’t you see the letters UFO on the side of that vehicle?!” “Yeah,” repeated the blonde attendant. “So?” “Don’t you know what UFO means?!” The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. “Good grief, boss! I’ve been working here for five years. Of course I know what UFO means - it means Unleaded Fuel Only.

Good Detecting Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Louisiana Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So ya’ll want to be cops, huh?” The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture and said: “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.” Then he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after a couple of seconds. “Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?” The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He only has one eye.” The detective shook his head disgustingly and said, “Of course

he has only one eye in this picture. It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!” The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde and asked, “What about you? Did you notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?” “Yes! He only has one ear!” The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you just hear what I told the first lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused, too!” The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a big waste of my time, but...” He flashed the photo in this blonde’s face for a brief moment and withdrew it, saying, “All right. Did you notice anything unusual or distinguishing about this man?”

January 2014

JOKES

SUBMITTED

The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.” The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “Why, you’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that simply by looking at his picture?” The blonde rolled her eyes dramatically and replied, “Well, with only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”

Ben Franklin-ism: Fish and visitors smell in three days.

FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY

Sam was at CHOMP recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he was feeling. “I’m OK but I didn’t like the four letter word the doctor used in surgery,” “What did he say,” asked the nurse. “OOPS!”

July 2017

Out of Mind

By Ted Gargiulo December, 2007. I returned to work a week before Christmas, sporting a goatee and a badly scarred countenance. While I was away, twenty-five years of facial foliage had been removed so that the surgeons at Massachusetts General could stitch me back together. No one on the job had seen me without it. The goatee was but a transitional adornment, a scaled down remnant of my original glory, to divert attention while the rest of my face continued to heal. Not surprisingly, I was flanked by coworkers anxious to behold the New Ted, and to hear his story about the vicious dog back in Boston that had nearly put him out of business forever. For a few days, I was more popular than Frosty the

Snowman. I rehashed the same spiel and answered the same questions so many times, I began to wish I’d recorded my responses in advance. “Y’know, that crazed animal did some hidden damage BELOW the Equator as well,” I said. “Took a bite out of the Rain Forest, but spared Tierra del Fuego—ha-ha-ha!” Got lots of mileage out of that line, although not everyone understood it. More than one person told me I looked better with just a goatee. I wondered if that canine might actually have made a cosmetic improvement. “Okay, be honest now. Do you like me better with or without the missing chunk in my face? Does the swelling make me look fat?” Gradually, the novelty of the dog attack wore off, as did my

eventh Ann

S he

www.foolishtimes.net celebrity. By the time my fellow drones had become accustomed to the New Me, I had regrown my whiskers and morphed back into the Old Ted everyone knew and loved. All memory of my transformation had faded from public awareness and been absorbed into the daily humdrum—like wallpaper. It was as if nothing had happened. I discovered long ago that workers, desensitized by years of drudgery and repetition, are amazingly adaptive. What’s new doesn’t remain new for long. Specifics may change from day to day; yet one’s stream of mind remains constant. Today, someone you’ve known and worked with since forever could transfer out of the facility. Or die. Before the week is over, said person may as well have not existed, for all the difference his non-appearance has made. An occasional absentee myself, I experienced a reverse paradox whenever I returned to

work. Whether I was gone for two weeks, or two months, I always felt as though I’d never really left. In short, one gets used to anything and everything. Why? Because there’s tranquility in tedium. There’s stability in sameness. Whatever’s missing— be it a person, a day, or a piece of one’s face—the communal consciousness compensates for imbalances. I liken the phenomenon to a word processing program. Delete a word or a block of text from a document, and the page closes up around it. Delete a person from the workplace, and the world closes to fill the void. Bang away at the same grind long enough, and even nonsense starts to make sense. Life in the blue collar trenches, as anyone can see, is one big blah after another. Outwardly, we may detest the unflinching monotony of our jobs. But in fact, most of us wouldn’t have it any other way.

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Idioms for Idiots

By Olivia Doskey-Mulvaney

When the shit hits the fan I have to say I am not a fan. Not of potentially redecorating my living room to neither accentuate the new fresh brown tones, nor to the general message that this idiom presents. Considering the circumstances; the preapocalyptic reality that exists as more of a false sense of euphoria then anything else. So when the metaphorical shit proceeds to embrace said fan, all hell is let loose. But what about the instance when said shit refrains from hitting the fan? I find it hard to believe this alternative ending is any better. I mean what if the shit, previously disposed, and for all intensive purposes perfectly poised to hit that fan, just doesn’t? You are still left with a shit in the middle of your living room, no? Well as far as I’m concerned I’m not too keen on the idea of that being the ‘pleasant’ reality I get to revel in if the prophesied mayhem does not ensue. Well most recently I have come to ponder situations where, once the clock starts ticking, you only have a limited amount of time to make the best of the situation before it all turns to shit. I have found that when the milk hits the cereal is the perfect way to

explain the enormous, almost soul crushing, pressure that is felt by any misguided human that takes on the surly cataclysmic dual of milk vs. cereal. With a soggy reality looming ever eminently on the horizon we are hard pressed to, firstly, not be too hasty by committing cereal suicide. A fate achieved via choking to death on freshly milked cereal, which we know damn well is still just as dry and as hard to swallow as a mouth full of sand. Secondly, acting too slow can condemn our breakfast venture. Turning away from that bowl of cereal is subsequently turning your back on your own self-respect. Obviously you don’t think you are good enough to deserve anything but the soggiest and saddest of breakfasts. Other than subjecting yourself to a type of unconventional, and sometimes continental, learned helplessness you have now destroyed the life of yet another cup of cereal, and ruined the integrity of the milk to boot. However, on the happy chance you actually get to enjoy that bowl of cereal you have achieved breakfast mastery! I like this metaphor because, even with all odds against you, you have the chance to create and participate in something truly

Why were the first Americans like ants? They lived in colonies.

magical, something bigger than us all! The highly revered, elegantly simplistic, transcendent union of milk and cereal. Its chemistry in a cup that wasn’t created by a maniacal scientist laughing creepily to himself in a lab, nor on any of those dating sites your girlfriends are always nagging you to join. So next time you’re put in a situation, strained for time, in which, let’s face it, you’ll probably just mess up anyway, just remember there is that off chance you could do great things! I mean hey, with the right ratios you could incite a revolution! Now, idioms have more or less become laughable in these recent years. I mean when was the last time someone reaffirmed that

July 2017

in fact sliced bread was still the best thing since? I’m pretty sure bread molds faster when it’s sliced anyway, so thanks wonder bread! But really, when the milk hits the cereal the shit doesn’t have to hit the fan. Let’s just take shit out of this equation all together and eat some damn breakfast, I mean if you think you have what it takes to make it.

Ben Franklin-ism: It is hard for an empty bag to stand upright.

SeasideAutoDealers.com

July is known for more than just our nation’s birthday month! Answers on pg 24

Ruby Cancer Lily Julius Caesar Hot Dog Ice Cream Blueberry Independence Atomic Bomb District Columbia Gerald Ford Voting Republican Party

July 2017

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Documents Prescriptions Food Foolish Times …Most anything you can think of to home and business since 2009

Foolish Dictionary

Bonded • Insured • Green

831.920.8181 Comedian (kuh-mee-dee-n) If you get a laugh, you’re a comedian. If you get a chuckle, you’re a humorist. If no one laughs, you’re a singer.

Late-Night Talk Show Host (layt-niyt tawk sho host) A person who can’t sing, dance or act.

Pun (pujn) A groaner, unless you’re the one who thought of it.

Observational Humor (ab-sir-vay-shunl- hyu-mar) The reality that life is what happens when you don’t have your face in your phone.

Family (fam-lee) Someone who is always there when she needs a favor.

Internet (in-ter-net) A vast computer network linking small brains together to make one big brain.

Prank (prank) A trick that often results in the prankster looking foolish.

Gallows Humor (ga-lohz- hyu-mer) A joke that may cause one to die laughing.

Riddle (ri-duhl) A questionable joke.

Drollery (drohl-ree) Humor so dry, it makes you gag.

Offspring (off-spring) The penalty for having sex.

Booze (booz) The solution to all life’s problems.

Sarcasm (sar-ka-zum) The lowest form of win, the highest form of intelligence.

Gelotophobia (je-la-toh-foh-bee-uh) The fear of being laughed at.

Farce (fars) When two wrongs don’t make a right and three makes your Instragram account blow up.

Offering Bike valet

Blond Joke (blond johk) A jest that even a man can understand.

What’s that hotty reading?

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July 2017

By Lily Brun

I Am the Master of My Garden Fate I’m a Master Gardener, which always makes me roll my eyes and laugh because any gardener who thinks they’re master of anything growing will instantly get tomato blight or squash vine borers or nematodes in their soil. All of which are not good, just so you know. I don’t roll my eyes about the program, though. It’s a good one; under the guidance of the UC Cooperative Extension program. Once certified we’re then qualified to give out information to other home gardeners, as long as we maintain our certification.

So there I was last month, sitting in a classroom, earning my continuing education hours to stay certified. It was all about IPM, Integrated Pest Management, which is a process to figure out how to solve pest problems in your garden. You know, those pesky bugs like aphids and thrips and whiteflies or slugs, snails and caterpillars. They wreak havoc on your vegetable garden or your beloved peach tree or prize-winning rose bush. Anyway, there I was in class, surrounded by poster boards covered with pictures of pests eating their way through whatever leafy plant they found

succulently good, my magnifying loop hanging around my neck so I could get up-close-and-personal with the bug displays — you know the type that have a pushpin through the bodies at various stages of development, – penned poised to take notes about how to rid my garden of these pesky problems, surrounded by other Master Gardeners doing the same thing and I had this watershed moment of revelation … oh no, I’m a garden geek. I found myself enthralled by the conversation about enticing beneficial predators to my yard to dispatch with bothersome bugs, on the edge of my seat listening about how to diagnose diseasecausing pathogens, fascinated by the multiple devices in the world of gopher-eradication. Clearly I’m not just a gardenvariety geek, but a full-bore obsessive enthusiast. How did this happen? When did my gardening interests morph from hobby to mania? It began so innocently. I planted a few vegetables in a

summer garden and year-byyear, as the nursery rhyme goes: one potato, two potatoes, three potatoes, four, five potatoes, six potatoes, seven potatoes more is even better! And soon I was overwhelmed with zucchini and carrots and beets and tomatoes and celery and broccoli, cauliflower and radishes. What to do with it all? I tried to give it away … my friends and neighbors ran the other way when they saw me coming. My freezer couldn’t hold anymore. My guy was cooking up a vegetable medley every day. I was in full geekdom, knee deep in compost, unable to get the dirt out from under my fingernails, checking for earwigs and snails in the dark of night. And then it happened. Gophers. In my raised beds. A catastrophe of epic proportions. There’s just no recovering. Roots are decimated. Plants die. But out or adversity comes clarity. And that’s what I was contemplating as I sat in class absorbing the concept of garden management, whether it’s pests or a personal obsession to grow the most, the biggest and the best of everything. Management … words to live by for any gardener, master or otherwise.

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act? The Americans licked the British!

July 2017

Stacy talks to comics

By Stacy Lininger

Meet Nick Stoeberl

Stacy: I understand you are in the Guinness World Records 2015 book. Nick: Yes, I have the longest tongue in the world. Stacy: How long is it? Nick: 3.97 inches Stacy: When and how did you become aware of this? Nick: One day after high school I went to the bookstore and looked in the The Guinness World Records and saw a picture of the guy who held the record and felt I was pretty close. Stacy: What special skills do you have as a result of your tongue length? Nick: I can paint and play keyboard with it. I haven’t sold many paintings but I have sold the rights to the footage of me painting with my tongue. It’s like I sold a painting but I still get to keep the painting. The paintings I do sell are all originals. You can only lick something into a painting one time. Stacy: What artists have inspired you? Nick: Andy Warhol. He was very controversial but didn’t seem to care. He worked in many mediums. Stacy: Tell me about appearing on America’s Got Talent. Nick: I painted a flower with my tongue in 90 seconds. They contacted me after seeing an article in the Huffington Post (“Weird News” 9/14/15) about me painting a beaver in six hours with my tongue (nickstoeberl. com).

Stacy: Have you studied art formerly? Nick: No, I’ve just watched hours and hours of documentaries on Andy Warhol and Salvador Dali, and Leonardo DaVinci is actually one of my number one inspirations as well. Plus, my grandfather is a respected, accomplished artist and my aunt in Berkeley is also an artist. Stacy: Do you work at coming up with funny stuff or does funny just find you? Nick: I don’t have a lot of written material but I do keep a journal of things that entertain me. Particularly, a specified group of words in a certain order that can be a joke. Word choices are very important. Stacy: How would you describe your stand-up comedy? Nick: My show is almost 100 percent improvised except for my opening joke about my tongue. I think it’s incredibly real, and incredibly, like, this is a real performer doing real comedy, spur of the moment. I like surprise and I think you should feel organic and fresh. Stacy: Do you play off the audience? Nick: Ya, you play off everything when you’re improvising. If something happens in the kitchen, you hear a noise, everybody is aware of it so you may as well address it in an artistic way. Stacy: How do you handle hecklers? Do you threaten them with a tongue lashing? Nick: I think hecklers are best

www.foolishtimes.net confused so they don’t know what to heckle. They are so in awe of what you’re doing and they can’t think of what to say. Stacy: We no longer have an official comedy club now that Planet Gemini sold. Nick: The funniest thing I have seen at that venue is they put a piece of printer paper saying taqueria over comedy on the sign outside. No longer is there comedy, but we got tacos. Stacy: Aren’t you also in a band? Nick: Yes, The Proudest Monkeys and I Sing Beautiful Original Music and cover Sinatra, Ray Charles, Ella Fitzgerald, It’s a dream come true to share this good TASTE in music. We are a rock band, psychedelic, kind of funk, really fun, interesting band.

Stacy: Who influenced you musically? Nick: I’m rarely out of a suit and tie. I love Frank Sinatra. Once my sister brought home a Frank Sinatra CD and I stole, it. I never gave it back - even to this day. Stacy: Do you have any upcoming showst? Nick: One very special show that I would like to plug is Proudest Monkeys appearance at Sand City’s West End celebration at the end of August.

Ben Franklin-ism: In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.

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GEEK on the STREET

By Laura “LA” Sottile

GOTS on the Go! Greetings CAMPERS! Geek on the Street here! You can call me GOTS. I guess you can say I’m a fish out of water. GHR, Greeter of the Human Race, my cousin thrice removed, was DEPORTED BACK to Eurapoca because GHR didn’t possess human papers. I have no eyelids. That is why I have my special pair of super spiffy Goggles on all the time. Today we are on WALL STREET. It’s a broad street that meets a wall. This wall was built by the Dutch in the 1700s to keep the pirates from climbing up the buttonwood tree before the brokers did. There is also a lot of

BULL, a big bronze one. I hear a bell! I wonder if its continental breakfast time. Whoosh! In I go to the GREAT EXCHANGE! I can’t wait to see how volumes of socks are traded with all! I wonder if they throw some out the windows for the poor people out here who don’t have any. I am granted an entire financial firm to be my tour guide! It’s for security purposes they said. I will be escorted through so they can make sure no one is hiding behind a BUSH. But, there is no greenery here…funny that. Perhaps, I just need to wipe my goggles. I’m entering the playing field now. WOW! This is heaven for pinball junkies. The tilt sensors

STRANGE THINGS WE DO Look into a store window, solely to see your own reﬂection. Funny thing is, the people in the store can see you. Close your bedroom door, even though you're home alone. Are you really ever alone? Try to fake out your own shadow. A way to entertain yourself all sunny day. Check to see how long you can walk with your eyes closed. Helen Keller would be proud.

are blinking rainbow hot. I am a bit peckish. Blue chips are being called out. I wonder if they are the black bean kind. No one seems to be offering. Probably because they are very busy on their phones. They seem to be moderately sweating as well. Perhaps, they wore their wool socks today. It is easy to misjudge the weather in here.

Blue chips are being called out. I wonder if they are the black bean kind. Bull Market was just called out! I don’t see any bulls. But it sure smells like bull. Must be because of all the socks being traded. But, I don’t see any socks yet! BONUS! I have just been spring loaded into the dealing room. Hopefully, we are now going to see the actual socks being traded by the traitors. My tour guide explains this is the room where you rate your interest. I told my tour guide that my interest rate is really high in witnessing the traitors trade their socks. My tour guide just winked at me. Is that code? I bet they are keeping us in here in the dealing room while the traitors trade

July 2017

their socks because they don’t want us to see their feet. That sort of intimate exchange could encourage certain behaviors they may later be embarrassed about. 4pm Closing Bell! Tour guide is gesturing me out. So soon! I didn’t get to witness the trading of their SOCKS! I wanted to buy a souvenir with a Gold man and a sack in the gift shop. I was told it’s a real Lucky charm. My geekdom may be keeping me from seeing the truth of the matter. Perhaps, they don’t mean socks like the ones you wear, but rather Socks like in Punches. That would explain the security. They are concerned about these traitors beating each other up. Not certain…oh well, I will report back to GHR with this at least: The only solid thing about Wall Street is the Bedrock below. Everything above does not guarantee doubling your socks. A cornerstone of illusive exchange where you are able to roam freely upon a new tiled floor while blinking lights create a festive allure. A buttress where you can eat grass fed beef with your fellow Americans and you can own tons of gluten free gold and you will never be confined to a cubicle. GOTS TO GO!

LaLaugh Productions Performer / Published Author lalaugh6@gmail.com

Come up with strategies on how to get away with the perfect crime. Crime or the lottery; both longshot retirement plans. Meow back at cats. They really do understand. Rehearse arguments/conversations in your head…All day, all night. Immediately read an email right after you sent it, even though you already proofread it 50 times. Still want to make changes.

What was the Patriots’ favorite food in the Revolutionary War? Chicken Catch-a-Tory!

July 2017

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The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. “We live in a great country,” she announced. “One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.” Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, ‘I’m not free. I’m four.’

Guide to Local Businesses & Services TRANSPORTATION Freedom Medical Transportation

Non-emergency through the door service. Wheel chair and gurney. Available 24/7. 831.920.0687 freedommedicaltransportation.com

TINY HOUSES Aﬀordable Housing in Monterey County. Design, Construction, Zoning/Building Code Compliance, Advocacy, Investment. Contact: mr.hutch@att.net

DOG SITTING & WALKING Central Coast Pet Sitter

SCREENS Real Screens

Aﬀordable high quality Italian custom design for any doorway and window. Complimentary in-home demonstration. 831.241.4964 www.realscreens.com

No need to leave your pet alone. Since 2009, oﬀering dog walking, pet sitting & yes... cat walking too! Bonded & Insured 831.524.3675 TheCentralCoastPetSitter.com

ESSENTIAL OILS doTerra

The Gift of Wellness Experience the highest quality oils and personal care spa products. Product and samples available in our store The Mailbox . 177 Webster St CERAMICS Monterey . 9-5pm M-F

CA TRAVEL BOOKS Venturing out? CA Road Trips Staycation? Monterey & Carmel staurtthornton.com

To Promote On Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038

MUSIC DJ Vossenova

Lovable professional DJ features the greatest music of all time from the 50's, 60's & 70's.

831.236.5994 oldiestogo.com

AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com

AUTO DETAIL HORTICULTURE SUPPLIES Mont. Bay Horticulture Supply Grow with us! We have the products and knowledge to Help your garden be the envy of the neighborhood. Indoor and outdoor growing specialists. 831.384.9376

Montereybayhorticulture.com

We make your car look new. Waterless detail inside & out. At your oﬃce or home. By appt. 7 days a week. Holiday specials, ask us. 831.383.2993

July 2017

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CROWN & ANCHOR BRITISH PUB & RESTAURANT

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Come in for great friends, great service, a wonderful meal and a pint! BRITISH OWNED & OPERATED

150 Franklin St • Old Monterey • 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net • Open Daily 11-2am

July 2017

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July 8

July 15-22

Monterey Beer Festivals

July

National Anti-Boredom Month

Chris Isaak

Stockton’s finest comes to town with Wicked Game. goldenstatetheatre.com

July 14

Comedy at the Pink Flamingo

July 4 Celebrate with the parade on Alvarado Street followed by a lawn party at Colton Hall. www.oldmonterey.org

July 7

First Friday Art Walk

The county’s longest continuous running (or strolling) art walk. Oldtown truly comes alive. www.1stfridays.org

80th season packed with music of Bach, his predecessors and heirs in a diverse array of musical experiences. www.carmelbach.org

July 11

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Downtown Celebrations

Carmel Bach Festival

Afternoon drinking at the Fairgrounds featuring craft beers from throughout CA. montereybeerfestival.com

July 8 -29

Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson

A high energy comedic rock musical about the founding of the Democratic Party. www.westernstage.com

July 9

71st Annual Obon Festival

Nick Stoeberl hosts a night of laughs with several of his funny friends and one long tongue. pinkflamingotheater.org

July 14

Kid Rock

Kick off Rodeo Week with this All-American Bad Ass. www.carodeo.com

A cultural day featuring food, flowers, drumming and martial arts demonstrations. www.montereybuddhist.org

July 20 – 23

CA Rodeo

A top rodeo in America. Over 700 cowboys and girls compete for money and coveted buckles www.carodeo.com

July 20 – 30

20,000 Leagues Under The Sea

MPC’s adaptation of the Nautilus and its eccentric Capt. Nemo. mpctheatreco.com

July 21

Jay Leno with David Luning

Jay performs two shows. His chin will be hanging around to sign autographs all week. goldenstatetheatre.com

July 9-Aug 6

Blues in the Park

July 7 – 9

FIM Superbike World Championship

Two-wheel extravaganza, featuring the best riders negotiating one of the best tracks in the world. www.mazdaraceway.com

Laguna Grande Park is the place to be for free Sunday shows featuring touring blues bands. www.ci.seaside.ca.us

July 15

Kiddie Kapers Parade

Imagine 1,200 kids parading through the streets of Oldtown on floats, bikes, walking or being carried. Stop imagining, it’s real. www.carodeo.com

July 26 – 30

Feast of Lanterns

A PG tradition of weeklong family entertainment featuring a parade and fireworks. www.feast-of-lanterns.org

July 2017

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SPCA Benefit Shop

26364 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org

Platoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Closet

Branches Resale Shoppe

MPVS Benefit Shop

THE

RESALE TRAIL

402 Lighthouse Ave, Monterey 831.641.9919 www.platosclosetmonterey.com

The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!

480 Webster St, Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org

655 Broadway Ave, Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org

Habitat ReStore

Love and Willow Grey

4230 Gigling Road, Marina 831.272.4830

www.habitatmontereybay.org/restore

115 Monterey-Salinas Hwy, Salinas 831.455.7946 www.loveandwillowgrey.com

D Moss Landing 47th Annual

Antique & Collectable Street Fair July 30 Starting at 8am www.mosslandingchamber.com