Foolish Times October 2016

October 2016

IT’S FALL...

I CAN STOP SHAVING MY LEGS

ARTS COUNCIL’S BIG ANNOUNCEMENT » PG 23

2

October 2016

www.foolishtimes.net Art Design by Sheree Greek

Even a

Doctor Needs a

Check Up

Admission $10 per day

Sat, Oct 29 Sun, Oct 30

Readings $25 Each

10 AM to 5:30 PM

Lectures Free with Admission

Raffle Prizes and More

Readers, Healers, Vendors and more…

2016 BRINGS CHANGE TO YOUR PRACTICE

www.ROTAPsychicFair.com

LET US HELP YOU

HHvest of Heets

Billing • Coding • Reimbursement No need to change your EMR! Appeals • Collections

Fall Fundraiser proudly benefiting Teddy Bears With Heart

Dinner • Dance

Strategic Market Planning Train to Retain Staff

Silent Auction

OCTOBER 15TH 6-10pm

DJ Fredo

Tickets and ways to support: 831.915.1112 susie@tbwh.org teddybearswithheart.org

Over 25 years of helping medical practices stay healthy A local female owned company

Complimentary Consultation for a check up on your practice

831.324.0441 www.ipsmonterey.com 525 Hartnell Street Monterey

October 2016

What the Bleep is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool...............................Karen S. Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool......................Jonah Dee

Contributors

Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Ted Gargiulo, Dennis Hengeveld, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Stephen L. Millich, David Schmidt, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Laura Sottile, Monty Truitt

The Chucklehead Speaks One of the best jobs to have in our area is a meteorologist. That’s a fancy word for a weatherman; the guy who predicts the very predicable weather.

From May to October it doesn’t rain, the marine layer burns off and when the sun drops out of site, it gets cold. This is our summer.

Now it’s October and for the next few weeks it’s our definition of hot. The heat affects our pets too.

The other day I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking. Not predictable.

I live where unpredictable happens regularly — a haunted building. When I first moved in, I thought I was alone until, one night, I was awakened by someone at the foot of my bed asking for Vera. Did I lock the front door? I didn’t see anyone, just the voice so close that if it was someone, I would be able to pick them out in a police lineup.

In the morning, I ran across one of my new neighbors who asked if I heard the voice of someone looking for Vera. Cold shivers over took me. Why was she laughing at me? Is this person real or is everyone in my building a ghost?

Now that I’ve been there for a while, I find the spooks playful and entertaining. If I’m late, they play tricks, hiding my shoes or my keys. When I let them know that this is not funny, the missing things always appear. There are rules in communication with these ghosts and they know when they go too far.

Enjoy the great predictable weather and don’t show fear to an unpredictable ghost as we head toward Halloween. They can’t hurt you and were here before us, and will be here long after we are gone.

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Foolish Times

P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942

831.648.1038

www.foolishtimes.net

3

4

October 2016

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.

Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the damn ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man,” says his partner. “You’ll never hit her from here.”

www.foolishtimes.net

*** If it weren’t for marriage, women would have to spend most of their adult lives arguing with complete strangers. *** A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags.

“Where are you going?” demands the surprised husband.

“To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!”

I CAME ALL THE WAY FROM ENGLAND TO TELL YOU MY SON IS THE BEST!

• • • •

Factory Trained Jaguar-Land Rover UK Full Service Repairs on All Import Cars State of the Art Diagnostics The Best Alternative to High Priced Dealers

125-C Sun St., Salinas

831-757-2370

www.esseximports.com

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags.

“What do you think you are doing?” she screamed.

“I’m going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you’re going to live on $1,000 a year!” *** A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.” Next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.” *** One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.

The man says, “Oh just a beer.”

The bartender asked the man, “What’s wrong, why are you so down today?”

The man said, “My wife and i got into a fight, and she said she wouldn’t talk to me for a month.”

The bartender said, “So what’s wrong with that?”

The man said, “Well the month is up tonight.” *** A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.

“Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?” *** A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, “Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?”

Her husband replies, “Why not?

I stuck with you through the other six shades.” *** A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.

“Tell me,” she asked the elderly salesman “is there anything special I’ll have to do to take care of this ring?”

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, “One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day.”

How do you learn more about Dracula?

You join his fang club.

www.foolishtimes.net

October 2016

5

it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net

LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations

CAFÉ Bay Café & Cantina Best breakfast & lunch.

Pet friendly garden patio.

Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea.

Locals & military discounts 55 Camino Aguajito, Monterey 831.717.4054 www.baycafeandcantina.com

FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it.

ORGANIC Bay of Pines Ocean themed decore.

Organic soups, salads, beef, chicken, pasta & burgers. Beer & wine. Experience to organic difference.

150 Del Monte Ave, Monterey 831.920.3560 www.bayofpinesrestaurant.com

DONUTS

ITALIAN

Red’s Voted best donuts since before time!

An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444

CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience.

429 Alvarado St Monterey 831.3331288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com

SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it!

If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy

BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day.

Don’t forget to come back for lunch!

171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net

Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce.

1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite!

Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 16th anniversary.

7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com

WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!

PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038

PUBS Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub.

Heated patio. Full menu to midnight.

150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net

THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by award-winning chef. Newly remodeled.

328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223

INDIAN Namaste India Bistro House mixed spices accent freshly prepared Indian food for a modern interpretation of classic dishes.

Dine in, takeout and delivery.

Lunch buffet daily.

538 Lighthouse Ave, Monterey 831.641.0130 www.namasteindiabistro.com

SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal.

Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items.

Full menu/ bar available.

1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com

6

October 2016

Q. How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?

A. Knock on the door.

Q. Why does a blonde only change her baby’s diapers every month?

A. The instructions stated, “good for up to 20 pounds.”

Q. What stops then goes then stops then goes?

A. A blonde at a blinking red light.

Q. What’s five miles long and has an IQ of 40?

A A blonde parade.

www.foolishtimes.net

Q. What is a blonde’s highest ambition in life?

A. She wants to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q. What are the six worst years in a blonde’s life.

A. Third grade.

Q. What do UFOs and smart blondes have in common?

A. You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q. How do you keep a blonde in suspense?

A. I’ll tell you tomorrow.

Back to School on New Tires

We honor Seniors and Military Free Shuttle Service within a 5-mile Radius Late Night/ Early Morning Drop-Off Available

Q. Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?

A. The noise gave her a headache.

Q. Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?

A. No smoking.

Q. How does a blonde know if she’s on her way home or on her way to work?

A. She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it.

Q. What does a blonde do when someone says its chili outside?

A. She grabs a bowl.

Q. What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?

A. Perri-air.

Q. When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?

A. When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q. Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?

A. She missed.

Q. What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond’s ear?

A. Data transfer.

Q. Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?

A. From crawling across the street when the sign said “don’t walk.”

Q. How do you drown a blonde?

A. Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Q. Why did the blonde call the welfare office?

A. She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Q. Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?

A. The vegetable garden.

Q. Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?

A. Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q. Why can’t blondes put in light bulbs?

A. They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q. How did the blonde die drinking milk?

A. The cow fell on her.

Q. What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water?

A. A blonde trying to put it out.

Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?

A. Bobbing for french fries.

Q. Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?

A. To get chocolate milk.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?

A. She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q. What do you call a blonde with a brand new PC? A. A dumb terminal.

Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

A. You can park in the handicap zone.

Q. What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?

A. Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q. How did the blonde burn her ear?

A. The phone rang while she was ironing.

SeasideAutoDealers.com

www.foolishtimes.net

October 2016

Comments Welcome: lalaugh6@gmail.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram Yet, another idea...a farce-booka-thon! Running for 27 hours in virtually the same cyberspace circuit. You conceded to amateur conversation, concluding with thousands of “Likes,” such pizazz.

Then why do you feel like a jittery desert, you wonder. Just think what you could do with a kiss-athon. Certainly your lover would prefer.

Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Hurry up! You loathe being rushed...move it! This disgusts you especially when you are so dependable & always show up. You are more than your data, more than what your profile claims you to be. Into the deep dark depths of your Bullish ass lies a soul ready for a quantum leap. Shine up your nose ring and show your contacts what real time communication is about.

Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins Has anyone made you laugh lately? Listen to yourself gossiping. You can only fritter your twitter just so much before your face resembles a snapchat.

You may cry salty tears after you hear what “they” have been saying about you, things like toil, boil and hedge-pig whined. Not quite what you had in mind is it?

Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Can one kiss do all of this? If it’s Dracula’s, hell yes! Even your ringtone is playing “Bite Me”. Don’t rush headlong into anything. First you need a transfusion before you can trust

how you feel. Clear history & Refresh before you count on The Count to tell how many tweets it takes to make you twitch.

Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion How long has this world shaking conversation been going on?

Small talk is not for you, unless it’s all about you. This Hyena co-worker has spritzed it’s wits all over you for the last time!

You are cool as a cucumber until your tail taps a haunted rap song and there lies a litany of diverse tempestual rhythms. You are a big star, I assure you, it’s just that the monitor is small.

Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin Head of Toad...Keep in mind you are a person who thinks. This is a means to a beginning. Behind the curtain of an exotic neurotic thrives a functional advantage: Being able to refer to your ethics on a daily basis. You wouldn’t be caught dead at the end of a camera tentacle that was hoovering your personal data and distributing it to say Farce-Book, Fritter, or Welp!

Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales You are thinking that the way you feel must be illegal! (Is it?) Since you are the Tiffanys of the Zodiac, extorting advertising dollars for your birthday desires is a synch with all that Libra-L charm. You shall get all your birthday wishes this year because you are so linked in! (But, just n’ case have the GodFather on speed-dial).

Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion A passive You doesn’t blow. That is exactly what Farce-Book is, a passive view on events occurring willy nilly throughout the day.

No wonder you are tooth of wolf after shedding your identity... careful that it doesn’t bleed into an unrestrainable behavior that could destroy that eloquent anonymity of yours...

Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer There is lot’s of itchy, witchy, bitchy in the air! What happened SAG to your joie-de-vivre?! Did you get swiped from the predicts of what “they” think might interest you? Autumn in New York or golf in the Ozarks? You can’t decipher where all this spam is coming from-Wool of Bat! What APP really stands for is, Apply Pressure Promptly to injury or end up in the outlands alone!

Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat Melancholy Baby ~ You desire real conversation and not some pasted post of pictures from a third party posing as a friend. It’s been a long time since you’ve bitten the neck

7

By Bini of a juicy intelligent conversation.

Arrgh! It’s ok pumpkin, all desires coming from where you least detect it.

Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier When Faced with a head-on approach you tend to retreat! Face it and see through the shadow lurking. This could be a case of human trafficking...round’ about that cauldron of yours, seek the antidote for being sucked in.

Whatever it takes, toe of frog or a fenny snake, be the person in private that you reward yourself for in public.

Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes Whispered in the moon’s eclipse... your thousand Faces speak.

Still remain unique, elusive, untouchable and mysterious, and no, not a freak. PI you have a modern day quality with a touch of the ethereal. Not too many get you babe. Makes no difference at all because your daydreams are your truest reality. Edge your way to the cliff’s crest and dive into the vastness of your imagination and peak!

Two monsters went to a Halloween party.

Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”

“Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”

8

October 2016

www.foolishtimes.net

on the

FOOL

CURB

1. What is your favorite Halloween costume?

2. If rabbits feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?

3. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

Robyn

1. Punk Rocker 2. Not so lucky. Probably on someone’s dinner plate.

3. I don’t throw my cats. You’re asking the wrong person because I’m a cat lover.

Sylvia

1. A Hippy 2. I don’t know. It died.

3. Yes

Kelsi

1. Harlequin 2. He grew new legs.

3. No. He becomes a free kitty.

Iris

1. Water Pixie 2. I had a rabbit. It was stiff.

3. That’s a silly question.

Frank

1. A Baseball Player. Although I would like to parade around in a dress one night a year.

2. If a rabbit’s foot increases my batting average, I wouldn’t care what happened to the rabbit.

3. Cats scare me.

www.foolishtimes.net

October 2016 did, he is forbidden to enter into any sexual situation with anyone without providing at least 24 hours’ notice to the police — nor is he allowed to look at or possess any sexually oriented materials.

According to the York Press, the order is temporary until May 19, at which time the magistrates may extend it.

By Chuck Shepherd

Intelligent Design • Wired.com’s most recent “Absurd Creature” feature shows a toad devouring a larva of a muchsmaller beetle, but the “absurdity” is that the larva is in charge and that the toad will soon be beetle food. The larva’s Darwinian advantage is that, inside the toad, it bites the hapless “predator” with its hooked jaws and then secretes enzymes to begin decomposing the toad’s tissue (making it edible) -- and provoking it to vomit the still-alive larva.

Great Achievements in Laziness • An 80-year-old man and a 37-year-old woman were ticketed in separate incidents in Canada the week of Jan. 18 when police spotted them driving cars completely caked in snow except for a small portion of the windshield. The man, from Brussels, Ontario, was driving a car resembling a “pile of snow on the road.” The Halifax, Nova Scotia, woman’s car was, a police statement said, “a snowbank with four wheels.”

Wait, What?

• In January, the U.S. Department of Justice’s inspector general recommended closing down a program of the department’s Drug Enforcement Administration that paid employees of other federal agencies (Amtrak and the beloved Transportation Security Administration) for tips

on suspicious passengers. (The program apparently ignored that federal employees have such a duty even without a bounty.)

DEA was apparently interested in passengers traveling with large amounts of cash — which DEA could potentially seize if it suspected the money came from illegal activity (and also, of course, then keep the money under federal forfeiture law).

According to the inspector general, the tipping TSA agent was to be rewarded with a cut of any forfeited money.

• Chiropractor William DeAngelo of Stratford, Connecticut, was charged with assault in January after an employee complained that she was ordered to lie down on a table and let DeAngelo apply electrical shocks to her back — as punishment for being the office gossiper, spreading rumors about colleagues. DeAngelo said he was reacting to complaints from patients and staff, but seemed to suggest in a statement to police that he was only “re-educating” the woman on how to use the electrical stimulator in the office’s practice (though she felt the need to report to a hospital afterward).

The Continuing Crisis • Britain’s North Yorkshire Police successfully applied to a judge in January for a “sexual risk order” against a man whose name was not disclosed publicly and whose alleged behavior was not revealed.

Whoever he is and whatever he

Bright Ideas • Christopher Lemek Jr. was arrested in Palmer, Massachusetts, in January and charged in a New Year’s Eve hit-and-run accident that took a pedestrian’s life. Lemek emerged as a suspect a few days after the collision when police, visiting his home, noticed freshly disturbed earth in his backyard. Eventually Lemek confessed to literally burying the evidence—using a construction vehicle to crush his truck and an excavator to dig up his backyard and drop the truck into it.

• No Need for a Pre-Nup: The 20year New York marriage of Gabriel Villa, now 90, and Cristina Carta Villa, now 59, apparently had its happy moments, but as Cristina found out when things went bad recently, Gabriel had attempted to protect himself shortly after the wedding — by obtaining a Dominican Republic divorce and keeping it secret. Cristina found out only when she realized in a property accounting that her name was not on the deed to their Manhattan apartment. (She is challenging that divorce as improper even under Dominican law.)

Suspicions Confirmed • Several Connecticut state troopers involved in a DUI checkpoint in September were apparently caught on video deliberating whether to make up charges against a (perhaps obnoxious) checkpoint monitor.

9

Veteran protester Michael Picard, 27, posted the videos on his YouTube page in January, showing troopers (illegally) confiscating Picard’s camera and suggesting among themselves various charges they could write up (at least some not warranted by evidence) to, as one trooper was heard imploring, “cover our asses.” (The troopers returned the camera after deliberating, but seemed unaware that it had been running during the entire incident.) State police internal affairs officers are investigating.

Recurring Themes • Few matters in life are weirder than the Scottish love of haggis (sheep’s liver, heart, tongue and fat, blended with oats and seasonings, boiled inside a sheep’s stomach to achieve its enticing gray color!), and in January, in honor of the Scottish poeticon Robert Burns, prominent Peruvian chef Mitsuharu Tsumura joined Scotland’s Paul Wedgwood to create haggis from, instead of sheep, guinea pig. Wedgwood said he was “proud” to raise haggis “to new gastronomic levels.”

Least Competent Criminals • Briton Jacqueline Patrick, 55, was sentenced to 15 years in prison in December for the 2013 murder of her husband, accomplished by spiking his wine with anti-freeze. To cover her crime, she handed over a note the husband had supposedly written, requesting that if tragedy struck him, he wished not to be resuscitated, preferring to die with “dignerty” (sic). Suspicious, police asked Patrick to spell “dignity,” which, of course, came out “dignerty.”

Copyright 2016 Chuck Shepherd; distributed

by Universal UClick; 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500

10

October 2016

www.foolishtimes.net

Carmel has gone to the Dogs

by Rex Keyes Usually the saying would go, “Carmel is going to the dogs” but it has already “gone” to the dogs.

My wife and I were there on a Saturday morning and we couldn’t believe the number of people walking their dogs downtown.

There were all types of dogs on a leash: tall ones, small ones, curly haired ones, short haired ones, just to name a few. Carmel should be given the nickname “doggie city.” Even the stores welcome the dogs. Many of them had, just outside their doors, bowls of water. And if you go into a store and see what appears to be treats for the customers in a little bowl, watch out, because the heck with

the customers, those are mini treats for dogs! Even in the main plaza where there are tables with people sitting down drinking a morning cup of Joe, their hounds are laying down right next to them.

Downtown isn’t the only place that Carmel has dogs. The long, white sandy beach at the end of Ocean Avenue has dogs playing there all day, on and off leash.

These dogs are well behaved; some play in the sand with other dogs, others go fetch a thrown ball in the surf and many just go for a leisurely walk with their owners. The beach dogs are of a wide variety beside local; some

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.

are tourist dogs or are from Monterey County outside of Carmel. But still, I have surfed many beaches and have not seen any other beach with so many of our canine friends. Now, you may think that the beach would be polluted with droppings from the canine species but everyone with a dog seems to be carrying plastic bags to clean up any mess.

The politicians in Carmel must be catatonic not to include cats in their special events.

It would be interesting to take a survey of how many residents have dogs in Carmel. It would probably be one of the highest ratios per capita of any city in California.

Coming up in October is Halloween. I would not doubt that the Carmel dogs are going to be dressed up for the event as the owners walk them down the streets. Some might be dressed up

January 2014

JOKES

Answers on page 24

SUBMITTED

like werewolves, some will have dresses, and who knows what other Halloween costumes they may have on. Oh, the dignity of those poor dogs!

If one googles, Carmel, California and dogs, there are many websites about where dogs can be taken in Carmel or as I should probably say, Carmel-bythe-Sea! The only thing missing is cats. Where are the cats? Are there any cat people in Carmel?

Are you allowed to walk your cat down the street on a leash or take him to the beach? I have not seen anyone carrying a cat around or bringing one to a restaurant in a stroller. Walking around Carmel, one will not see any wandering cats. This is a categorical subject that is a catastrophe. The politicians in Carmel must be catatonic not to include cats in their special events. The cat people of Carmel need to categorize this demeaning catharsis of cats to the history books and catapult the feline to the same category as dogs at the next city council meeting. Good Luck Cat People!!

FUNNY BONES

BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY

A man came in to a local drugstore coughing and asked for their best cough syrup. The clerk sold the man a box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as the clerk said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

The clerk’s boss witnessed this transaction and told the clerk he made a bad decision and sold the customer the wrong product.

To this the clerk replied, “Look at him.

He’s afraid to cough.”

www.foolishtimes.net

October 2016

Everything New is Old Again

By Ted Gargiulo Ever get the impression that the Internet is going out of its way to infuriate you? That your computer’s browser is dragging more than usual? Maybe you’ve noticed that pages and websites that you once surfed effortlessly are now taking longer than ever to load? Granted, there are more ads now to download; more graphics, more banners, more animations to steal your attention; more cookies to ID you and/or track your Internet wanderings—in short, more cyber-rubbish to hog computer bandwidth and weigh you down. Question is: How and when did this become YOUR problem? And Why? You go online to read a simple news article. You try to scroll down to access it, but the site won’t let you near it until every other blame item, visible or otherwise, has taken its sweet time loading. I know. It happens to me constantly. It’s like being

stalled at a railway crossing, waiting for an endless freight train to pass before you can proceed. Perhaps you’ve landed on a site that says your browser is outdated and urges you to install a new one. Is this a hoax? How does anybody know the state of YOUR browser? And who ARE these people anyway?

Call me a lunatic if you wish. But I smell collusion here.

I maintain that there’s a concerted effort among geeks and cyber-marketers to make it more and more difficult for folks with older, slower equipment to navigate the web. And that technicians and web content providers are deliberately gumming up the works these days, causing everything you click on to drag or hang. Why? To convince you that the trouble is with YOUR pathetic little system.

Sure, they like to toot their kazoos about how they’re working to improve everyone else’s Internet “experience.” But what they’re actually doing is teasing unenlightened techno-slackers like us, wearing our patience down by degrees, causing us to become fed up with our pokey,

Point is, satisfaction with the status quo is anathema to our economy. outmoded resources, so that we’ll eventually “get with the program” and spring for newer, more sophisticated systems that all the savvier customers are currently using. After all, isn’t the general goal of consumerism to provoke us to jealousy? To shame us into accepting other people’s notions of what’s best for us? To seduce us

11

into spending money on things we didn’t realize we needed?

Point is, satisfaction with the status quo is anathema to our economy. No one who markets cutting edge technology—be it front-load televisions, HD washers, or self-driving ovens— wants people to be too content for too long with what they have. Nor do they want us wandering too far outside their arena of influence, that says, “You’ll like what we TELL you to like!” And, “You’ll buy what we TELL you to buy!”

Right now, for example, you’re probably thinking it’s time to upgrade to a faster Internet provider. So, get on it! What are you waiting for? Better yet, why not ditch that antiquated hardware of yours altogether in favor of a smarter, sexier, more efficient computer/device? You’ll be glad you did…at least for a couple of years. By then, tech administrators and marketing moguls will have devised cleverer, more ingenious ways to challenge and frustrate your “new” system(s).

Don’t act surprised. The market has you where it wants you.

SeasideAutoDealers.com

Who do monsters buy their cookies from?

The Ghoul Scouts.

12

October 2016

www.foolishtimes.net

Mira, WOW!

By Daria James

Can’t Go Home Alone Again October is here and it’s going to be weird, awkward even. Halloween and pumpkin spice everything have taken over the month, which means marketing has been doing their job. It also distracts us from Columbus Day, oh what a sad day that was, for he is no hero, he was the donkey that played the flute and then murdered the audience. Because you cannot have a conqueror omelet for breakfast without breaking a few native eggs. Ok, I’ll cool it with the analogies.

Every year there is a trend of customs for all ages and pets; this year will be no different. (drum roll) And the winners are (pause for dramatic effect) Harley Quinn and the Joker from Suicide Squad!

Talk about mad love. No seriously, girls are going bananas over Jared Leto’s version of the Joker and are infatuated in the pursuit of a relationship like that. If you are over the age of grown-up, you read that right.

Primarily, the Joker is a

criminal, as in he breaks the law, kills people, steals money and lacks any type of remorse over the impact of his actions (oh hey, like Columbus did). Officially diagnosed insane, bonus!

Harley Quinn was a

For some reason, a few people are focusing on the passion, but passion is not about love. psychiatrist and she was seduced and induced into the crime life by the Joker. To quote Tina Turner: oh oh oh, what’s love got to do with it?! After all, love stories come with a side of tragedy and feature the Police, Tina knows what I’m talking about. For some reason, a few people are focusing on the passion, but passion is not about love. It hangs by its last thread before it becomes an unhealthy obsession. If you do not believe me, remember Waco, Texas and how passionate

that looney guy was, or Charles Manson, or John Wayne Gacy.

I can also bring it closer and ask you to think about Ramsey Bolton and Tom Cruise. You might think I am using passion in the wrong context, but so are those admiring and ogling the Joker and Harley’s relationship. It was toned down a couple of notches to get that PG-13 rating, the comic book Joker is way more deranged.

He even made Superman lose his cool once.

In addition, just to make some people mad: Jared Leto is not winning an Oscar for his Joker performance. Now, settle down.

I have been in the middle of an abusive relationship and can assure you, there are no winners, and nobody walks around feeling like a million dollars after a few slaps and bruises.

The joker does not love Harley, he used her to escape Arkham Asylum, he drove their car into

the river knowing she could not swim, just to escape Batman, and when Batman was rescuing her, she tried to kill him. I have also seen that happen live, but it’s not as cool when we do not wear fancy outfits.

Well, he saved her from the acid tub, shut up! Why did he throw her in there in the first place?!

That is what an abusive relationship is nicely summed up with special effects and bad make up. Then why did he risk his life to break her out of jail?! Ugh!! He got her thrown in jail, you fool and a half! And he obviously has no regard for his life. Why would someone who does not care for their own life care about the life of others?! I am no Deepak Chopra, but that is not the way love works.

Also, look up the definition of the word psychopath, cool is never used within the definition.

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?

All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

October 2016

www.foolishtimes.net

CELEBRATING ONE YEAR Thank you for your support of our award winning Bistro Our Gift to You

Chef Dilip G.

COMPLIMENTARY APPETIZER From full menu. Expires 10.31.16

Lunch Buffet Every Day • Full Menu Large parties Welcome Eat-in • Take-out • Delivered We Honor Military

538 Lighthouse Ave Monterey 831.641.0130 www.namasteindiabistro.com

Exotic. Sensational. Tasteful.

Great Selection of Local Wine & Craft Beer

Expires October 31st, 2016

Homemade Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner

13

14

October 2016

www.foolishtimes.net

READY OR NOT!

Open 4-7pm

Three month advertising specials 831.648.1038 | sales@foolishtimes.net

‘16

50,000wrong!

Readers can’t

be

Thank you all for reading and supporting our advertisers

Ghoulish Riddle The maker does not want it, the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it, what is it?

A coffin.

Turn Your Gold into Cash We pay top $$ on the spot • Estate

Jewelry

• Diamond

Rings

• Vintage

Watches

• Custom

Repairs

831.372.5186

October 2016

www.foolishtimes.net

Sucks to be YOU!

THE

CROWN & ANCHOR BRITISH PUB & RESTAURANT

VOTED MONTEREY’S MOST AUTHENTIC BRITISH PUB

Lunch & Dinner Daily • Late Night Menu Children’s Menu • Heated Full Service Patio Impressive Selection of Single Malt Scotches & Classic Irish Whiskeys 20 beers on tap • Local wines Happy Hour 4-6pm Monday-Friday Come in for great friends, great service, a wonderful meal and a pint! www.redsdonuts.com

BRITISH OWNED & OPERATED

150 Franklin St • Old Monterey • 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net • Open Daily 11-2am

15

16

October 2016

A

www.foolishtimes.net

SPCA Benefit Shop

B

Yellow Brick Road

C

Second Chance

D

Branches Resale Shoppe

E

THE

26364 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org

RESALE TRAIL

26388 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.626.8480 www.yellowbrickroadbenefitshop.org

The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!

105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 2311 N Fremont St Monterey 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com

480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org

F

MPVS Benefit Shop

655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org

F

Love and Willow Grey

115 Monterey-Salinas Hwy, Salinas 831.455.7946 www.loveandwillowgrey.com

C

D

E

B

A

FEATURED SHOP LOVE AND WILLOW GREY

Where new meets repurposed A treasure trove of shopping featuring apparel, handbags, jewelry and home décor that compliment tastefully Shabby Chic and rustic styles of refurbished furniture. Open daily at McShane’s Nursery.

www.foolishtimes.net

October 2016

17

Pumpkin spice french fries Never.

Bailey’s pumpkin spice Irish Cream - Maybe in my coffee.

Pumpkin spice Cheerios - Why? Pumpkin spice Triscuit - Served with what?

Pumpkin spice wine - If you’re desperate.

By Lily Brun

When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin?

Last April when I planted my pumpkin seeds, I was dreaming of pumpkin pie, pumpkin cheesecake, pumpkin soup, pumpkin pancakes and, well, just all things pumpkin. But one thing I wasn’t thinking about was pumpkin spice, a trend that has literally taken over the fall season.

It sent me on a quest to understand what’s up with this spice combination. Clearly it’s not about the pumpkin taste, since this blend does not have

one ounce of pumpkin in it … not a smidgeon or a pinch or a dash or even a suggestion of pumpkin flavor.

So, what is it? It’s a mixture of cinnamon, cloves, ginger, nutmeg and sometimes allspice. Are you paying attention? No pumpkin!

In a season of trick-or-treating, this is one big trick! My search for understanding of this pumpkinless phenomenon led me to another shocking discovery. The canned pumpkin my grandma uses to make her award-winning pumpkin pie (at least in my book) is not … are you ready for this … pumpkin. What!?

MAKE�ME Skewered Sriracha-Grilled Tofu You Won’t Miss the Meat Ingredients •1 14-16 ounce container extra-firm tofu •3/4 cup Sriracha •1 tbsp roasted sesame seeds •1 tbsp soy sauce

•1 tbsp white miso paste •3 green onions, chopped •2 garlic cloves, minced

Ingredients 1. Cut tofu into 1" cubes. Drain well 2. Put Sriracha, sesame seeds, soy sauce, and white miso paste in a blender with chopped scallions and garlic cloves.

3. Blend with 1/4 cup water until smooth.

4. Reserve a cupful for dipping; marinate the tofu in the fridge overnight.

5. Shake off excess sauce, skewer and grill tofu, brushing with sauce.

6. Sprinkle with any leftover roasted sesame seeds and scallions

It’s true. The sole ingredient in Libby’s, the most popular canned pumpkin, is cucurbia moschata, a type of squash also known as Dickinson gourd. It’s similar in shape and size to a butternut squash but very far removed from the species most jack-o-lanterns are carved from. You’d be hardpressed to carve anything other than you initials on this gourd.

What a ruse! Yet another trick-or-treat gambit, leaving

My search for understanding of this pumpkin-less phenomenon led me to another shocking discovery.

me once again feeling swindled, defrauded and cheated out of my first delicious bite of the de facto culinary icon of the season … pumpkin pie! The experience is forever changed for me knowing that the pumpkin is really a spiced-up squash interloper.

And everywhere I turn, I am reminded of this overwhelming fraud perpetuated on all of us pumpkin lovers. The pumpkin spice flavor-of-the-month marketing ploy has brought us an overflowing cornucopia of products infused with this noit-does-not-taste-like-pumpkin seasoning and include (pardon my editorial comments, unless you agree!):

Pumpkin spice chocolate truffles - Chocolate would never be the same for me.

Pumpkin spice latte Peeps - Who eats Peeps of any flavor?

Chipotle pumpkin spice salsa Ok, perhaps with the right chip.

Pumpkin spice marshmallows Not even on S’mores.

Pumpkin spice moonshine Hmmm … a possibility.

Pumpkin spice pretzel nuggets Yuck.

Pumpkin spice Mini Wheats Does the milk turn orange?

Nestle pumpkin spice morsels Not in my cookies.

Keebler pumpkin spice fudge stripe cookies - No, just wrong.

Pumpkin spice coffee liqueur Again, depends on the morning.

Pumpkin spice stuffed pretzel Maybe deep fried.

Pumpkin spice caramel corn Nope!

Pumpkin spice almonds - In with trail mix?

Pumpkin spice M&Ms - No, no, no!

I refuse to be drawn into buying any of these seasonal sensations. Of course, if some bright botanist comes up with a pumpkin spice pumpkin I can grow, I might reconsider.

SeasideAutoDealers.com

18

October 2016

www.foolishtimes.net

Peeves I Don’t Want as Pets:

By Debbie Harris

Return Number Dash: Receiving a voice mail message of considerable length, with multiple details of the problem, ending with a return phone number rattled off as if the speaker gets a gold star for speed. Spewing your phone number rapidly is not prize-worthy. Be helpful and say your phone number in a moderately paced, understandable way so that I can write it down the first time I hear it without having to listen to your whole story over and over again just to get your number. Please!

The Number Spell: When companies make you spell using the number buttons on your telephone. A phone number is a number, not a password with a combination of letters and numbers. Trying to dial 800 BUY-MORE can have you nose to keypad looking at telephone buttons for letters, something I haven’t had to do since I got an iPhone. I know it’s cute and catchy, but it’s irritating. Stop it!

PHONE EDITION

The Never-ending Audio Prompt: Have the number of telephone prompts to get to a customer service representative increased over the years? As it is, whenever I need to contact a company about a product or service, my issue isn’t ever included in one of the prompts offered, so I have to press whatever button is for “other” issues or hold for a customer service representative. That’s when the company’s audio service program thinks I’m kidding and offers me the recording of the other options again. Sometimes I just dial zero at the start of the message to see if I can find a more direct route to a representative.

That used to work pretty often until the companies caught on.

“We don’t want customers having their issues resolved too quickly.

We spent a lot of time and energy setting up all the audio messages and we want customers to hear them at least five times before they can even think about a realtime voice,” so they changed the option to a less obvious one that is

always the last prompt offered— even after the option to end the call! Grrrrr!

Sometimes I just dial zero at the start of the message to see if I can find a more direct route to a representative.

Bad Music Interruptus: Waiting for a customer service representative usually involves some hold music, which is usually an instrumental piece written by a music hobbyist who washed out on The Gong Show in the 70s, played over and over again, interrupted frequently by messages telling us about other products and services (that I can purchase and subsequently be on hold to get help with) and, of course, how important my call is to them. It’s like an indoctrination. Must . . . stay . . . on . . . hold . . . My. . . call . . . is . . . important. Maddening!

Unidentified Foreign Representative:

What did the boy ghost say to the girl ghost?

You are the most booooooooo-tiful thing I have ever seen!

Speaking to customer service representatives who are in other countries has been going on for quite some time, but I still haven’t gotten used to it. They speak English, but the variety of accents and proficiency of the language can make communication difficult. Then there is the script

that they apparently are mandated to read while they are dealing with you, requiring apologizing often, using the customer’s name in every sentence, and assuring the customer that s/he will be helped. I recently called Amazon. com regarding a problem with delivery of an order.

“I received an email message saying that OnTrac couldn’t deliver my order because my address wasn’t found.”

“I do apologize for the inconvenience, Miss Harris. I can help you with that. What is your current address?”

“It’s the address listed on the order. It’s the address I’ve lived at for nearly 23 years, where I’ve received many, many deliveries.”

“I do apologize, Miss Harris.

I can help you with that.” She contacted the delivery service while I held.

“I do apologize for the wait, Miss Harris. OnTrac will attempt delivery again on Monday.”

“Why did my address not register as valid?”

She said something that I recognized as English words but they were put in an order that didn’t make sense so I asked her again. She repeated what could have been a list of crossword puzzle answers and I still couldn’t understand.

Then she said, “OnTrac will attempt delivery again on Monday.

Can I help you with anything else, Miss Harris?”

“No, I guess not.”

“Thank you for calling Amazon. com, Miss Harris. I’m glad I was able to help you with your problem.”

Sigh.

SeasideAutoDealers.com

www.foolishtimes.net

October 2016

Woody Allen and Martin Scorcese:

New York Perspective

by Roger Freed New York has always fascinated the writer, the artist, the poet and the thousands of gawking tourists who hang around outside the Good Morning America show hoping they’ll get filmed for their family to see back in Wichita. But everyone sees the Big Apple with a different eye. Two of the cities biggest believers, Woody Allen and Martin Scorsese, seem to be viewing it from different planets.

Just how the city that never sleeps compares between the two film directors makes it obvious they grew up in different parts of town and in different cultures and with different mothers.

New York, as seen in the movies of: ALLEN: Guy meets girl - guy has humorous experience with girl girl splits.

SCORCESE: Guy meets girl - girl rips guy off - guy splits girl in half.

ALLEN: The normal family is neurotic and has hang ups.

SCORCESE: The normal family is Mafia and has hold-ups.

ALLEN: The main character gets beat up by life but comes out laughing in the end.

SCORCESE: The main character gets beat up by his own gang and comes out bleeding in the end.

ALLEN: New York is seen as a center for romance and unlimited possibilities.

SCORCESE: New York is seen as a center for bromance and unlimited heists.

ALLEN: Everyone is trying to establish some sort of relationship

with the world around them.

SCORCESE: Everyone is trying to establish their relations in the neighborhood around them.

ALLEN: The city is a backdrop for beautiful, romantic interludes.

SCORCESE: The city is a backdrop for beautiful rum and tonic interludes.

ALLEN: New York seems like the hub of the world and steals your heart.

SCORCESE: In New York you start out by stealing hubcaps with all your heart.

ALLEN: The female lead is a beautiful, unattainable girl next door.

SCORCESE: The female lead is a beautiful 14 year old attainable in front of cheap hotel doors for $20.

ALLEN: Jewishness is seen as a social hindrance.

SCORCESE: Being Italian is seen as being a ticket to being in with the big boys.

ALLEN: The girls won’t hit on guys with glasses.

SCORCESE: The thugs sometimes won’t hit guys with glasses (but only sometimes).

ALLEN: Being a nerd is seen as being a mark of sensitivity.

SCORCESE: Being a nerd is seen as being a mark.

ALLEN: Being considerate and sensitive is seen as being fairly nice characteristics.

SCORCESE: Being considerate and sensitive is seen as being the characteristics of a fairy.

Trick or Treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat!

Answers on pg 24

Snickers Almond Joy Milky Way Peanut Butter Cup Aero Baby Ruth Bounty Butterfinger Chunky Galaxy Heath Kit Kat Krackel Marathon

19

20

October 2016

www.foolishtimes.net

Greeter of the Human Race ….continued

By Laura “LA” Sottile First and foremost thanks to my fellow humans who urged me to open my little the book of the past. Unfortunately, there is no ground breaking news, oh dear, just a day in the life of GHR, but what a day!

PENNYY ARCAY: WHO? GHR! I was a Teen and so tired of everyone’s inability to surprise me.

At this daunting age of tedium, finally a year long dazzling spring shower quenched unknown deep seeds that budded into shapely branches and sprouted blossoms.

The dam unabashedly opened!

A metamorphosis engaged and I was astonished that nature really did exist…(duh). I had a donut hole amount of foresight at the time to see that later this macrocosm would churn into an amazing junk yard of hormones.

Actually it assisted greatly in deciphering how exactly I came to be which of course entailed years of sorting. Following nature’s precise, complex, transitory, fundamental art, one particular growth STUCK OUT, a stage? An instituted precipice? I wondered at times if that’s where my face should be…NO, perhaps not. I tried to see what the fuss was all about. But I was a mere puppy chasing its tail. Once I got hold of a mirror I understood why my assmates called it Mt. Rumpus.

It launched my career into keeping up appearances. Endless research on the best Jeans to purchase and so much more.

(Your best guess is to watch OBSESSIVE JEANS Video @ LaLaugh Productions on You Tube, it’s a kick in the pants! No pun intended.)

This invisible league was

chasing me and I wanted to learn the ropes. So, I purchased a ready tooth comb for my back pocket to feather my Farrah feathered hair. The comb embossed under the designer jean label in order to accentuate it’s fading outline.

Fruity LIP GLOSS in the coin pocket large enough to puncture an ovary. Little did I know my essence would have to take a back seat to my true soul’s voyage.

This equation of glamour equaled success, I was cast by a spell.

Peachy darling, Jackie-O Shades and Le piece de resistance, Gimme-me CHOOS . Recall Dr. WOO in last month’s issue?

Thousands in chiropractic bills, those heels had to take on the asphalt jungle of conformity.

Permanent wounds through the battle to indulge.

TIME is of the essence!

Breaking out of beige walls, beige graffitied lockers, beige asbestos floors and leaving the beige stale air behind! Here I come Broadway! I got as far as the mall. This mainstream slithered through every nook and cranny of my sweet innocence to seduce me into thinking I needed it!

Everywhere a loo for my hard earned monies to flush down.

Where was the guidance I needed to become power house woman for social betterment??!!!

I made mops for Mr. Varney.

“Grab the pole like this, and fasten mop head.” Mr. Varney would instruct me and I wouldn’t see him for the rest of the day. He was real nice but his face looked as if it wanted to crack open and fall out.

I was absorbent material so I spent my mop monies at the Mall because the Mall had it all!

A Jail camouflaged with designer

labels glistening through popular powder, a booming fluorescence pick me up to Hoover the fatty fads dripping with promises of love. How many drains did I visit believing they were the necks of swirling genie bottles? Maybe one more…

Fellow fool classmates informed me of a Halloween party. I thought I’d go as a Playboy bunny and put my arse to the test. I knew this party would be hopping, my bunny ears dropping and my cotton tail flopping. Upon entering this softly lit pinkness, I reeled into a reversed birth.

A womb of woe disguised with bubble gum walls and an extreme sweet before rancid. Silhouettes in a sea of flesh drew me in like a fantasy starved fool. Apparently, I was overdressed in my scanty suit. Within 40 seconds of my entrance out of the mist a colossal squid with jet propulsion clamped a slew of its suctions on my alter ego. SOS! I snapped into action atop a MAYTAG! AHH! Persistent little wanker! He returned for his second attempt and I hid in the DRYER! Of course my proportions had no trouble fitting in. Or did they? I listened for the bog to settle and quivering larynxes’ to hush and then I ran the Bunny 500 out of there!

PHEW! … BUT, it took years to return home.

You might know GHR a little better now, The Official Greeter of the Human Race. I cannot completely define that title, but I just know I am essential to this story…’cause I made it up.

LaLaLaugh Productions Performer / Published Author lalaugh6@gmail.com

How do you get a tissue to dance?

You put a little boogie into it.

What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt!

What do you call cheese that’s not yours?

Nach-o cheese.

What did the hat say to the scarf?

You hang around, and I’ll go ahead.

What time should you go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty.

What did one firefly say to the other?

You glow girl!

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing. It just waved.

Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing.

What do you call two guys hanging on a window?

Kurt and Rod. How do you catch a whole school of fish?

With bookworms.

www.foolishtimes.net

October 2016

The Riotous

RHYMESTER

By Stephen L. Millich

Probable Cause

by Robyn Justo Have you ever had a dream and tried to wake up from it? Has it felt SO real that you were absolutely sure that it was?

Many years ago I was privileged to attend a workshop with Steven LaBerge, a leader in the scientific study of lucid dreaming. He taught us ways to wake up in our dreams and I tell you, once you are awake in a dream (who needs ayuhuasca) staying asleep in one is no longer satisfying. It’s like a bad movie and you aren’t allowed to leave the theater.

But what if we could? What if we could squeeze our eyes real tight in the dream (think “I Dream of Jeannie”) and open them to something else, something awesome, a much better flick?

I have had a recurring nightmare for decades now. But every time I do, I tell myself that it is just a dream and I wake up safely tucked away in my bed. No idea how this works, but it does.

I call it my personal “system restore” program.

So here’s the deal. We can hear, feel, see, smell, and even taste in our dreams. And we can defy gravity! Some of us can fly (my very favorite thing...fly, Robyn, fly!) If we think about it, we have even more abilities in our dreams than on this planet, yes?

We just need to take a seat in the director’s chair.

What part of us is moving, talking, feeling, and hearing in a dream when we are actually laying in our beds? Is it our minds and if so, do they really know how

to make us fly? I want that option operational! Is it just these skin suits that keep us IN here? How do we know that this life thing is real...that opening our eyes in the morning presents us with nothing more than a dream?

The other day a friend and I were having coffee. I was telling her about a man I had recently (and unfortunately) dated and she looked at me and quite calmly said, “It could be worse. It could be real.”

How do we know that this life thing is real?

I stopped talking. And I heard Steven LaBerge’s voice asking that question from long ago, “Is this a dream?” Then I heard Steven Tyler screaming “Dream on!!” I mean, Donald Trump a presidential candidate? This can’t be real! Give me lucidity!

There are people making millions of dollars to remind us of this simple fact. Think “The Secret.” And all of those books about creative visualization and conscious intention?? It’s all in our minds, folks, or maybe even in our collective mind. More on that next month.

Right now I am going to squeeze my eyes really tight and repeat “system restore.” Back to my safe place. Join me?

Our legal system is just and right tho’ not all its gems do sparkle bright.

It is sordid stones we do appall which bring grief to lawyers all.

The one displaying severest flaws is the galling pearl, Probable Cause.

While once upon my professional way I sought to keep DAs astray.

Pondering policemen’s stop and search how to get their cases to sag and lurch?

My first found ally was a splendid clause “If the Court please, no Probable Cause.”

Then there followed in quick succession hundreds more, now manic obsession.

How could each motion be denied when the law and facts were on my side?

One day in Court, uncontrolled guffaws, they carried me off, probable cause?

I’m now locked up in my tender years put away by a jury of my peers and when I leave this imperfect Court I entrust to you this last retort.

Ponder this and in respect do pause: “This lawyers fall is probable caused.”

Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.

21

22

October 2016

www.foolishtimes.net

SOFT AS AN ANGEL

By Rosie Sorenson Last week I did something I had been putting off for years. I boxed up my bank statements from 1982, my ancient credit card bills, and my old mortgage papers and took them for shredding to a company in El Cerrito called “No Trace.”

No Trace is not your typical document destruction company.

According to Rob, the manager, most such companies utilize a cross-cut shredder to destroy the records. “The problem with that method,” Rob said, “is that the shredded documents can be reconstituted by those with criminal intent.” In other words, crooks with a lot of time on their hands and a love of jigsaw puzzles.

Rob pointed out that instead of shredding, No Trace pulverizes the documents so there’s no chance of anyone reassembling them. Not that I’m a particularly important person with financial assets worth stealing, but I was happy to hear that all the King’s horses and all the King’s men could not put my records together again. No Trace even has the imprimatur of Uncle Sam, offering “government specified approved shred output.” If they’re good enough for my Uncle, I figured,

What is a goblin’s favorite cheese?

Monster-ella!

they’re good enough for me.

I asked Rob if I could watch my stuff being destroyed. He pointed to a big screen television hanging from the ceiling near the door and said, “You can watch it from here.” He then placed my four banker’s boxes on a wheeled cart and whisked them away to the pulverizing machine which was locked behind a wire mesh fence topped by curly razor wire.

I wondered how, if one were so inclined, a person could get in there and steal some records (not that I would want to, but the knowledge might come in handy if I ever write that thriller I’ve been thinking about).

suede boots I purchased from Nordstrom; my first mortgage; my first car loan.

I was feeling a little sad, a little empty as I watched my papers being rendered into confetti until I asked Rob what they did with all that material.

“Are you familiar with Angel Soft?” he said.

I nodded.

“Well, that’s where a lot of this stuff goes,” he said.

“You mean it gets turned into toilet paper?” I said, eyes wide.

Oh, how could I tell him he had just made my day?

The next time I’m at Target reaching for the Angel Soft, I

know I’m going to be thinking about Mary who over-paid for the silk dress she wore once to the Black and White Ball; and about Kenneth, feeling flush from cashing in his stock options, charging a Mercedes convertible on his new Amex card; and about Sarah Jane, plunking down her credit card to cover the lymphoma surgery for her beloved cat, Max; and about the others whose financial lives have been reconstituted as Angel Soft.

Who said we have no sense of community?

So many rat-bankers, so many politicos, so little time!

Rosie Sorenson, MA, MFT, an awardwinning author, has written a new book: What Republican Men Know About Women. Copies are $8.00, plus $2.00 S&H. She is also the author of They Had Me at Meow: Tails of Love from the Homeless Cats of Buster Hollow; www.theyhadmeatmeow.com

The light reflecting off the bright silver steel drum hurt my eyes; the grinding, highpitched squeal hurt my ears.

Rob flipped the switch and soon an impressive roar echoed throughout the vast interior of the galvanized metal warehouse. I turned to watch the action on the HDTV and saw the spiked drum churning slowly as the conveyor belt ushered my papers toward oblivion. The light reflecting off the bright silver steel drum hurt my eyes; the grinding, highpitched squeal hurt my ears.

I was witnessing the inglorious end to the documented narrative of my life. Scant minutes later there was little trace of the contributions I had made over the years to the economy: the black

A man walked into the Crown & Anchor and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives, the man started to leave.

“S’cuse me,” said the bartender, who was puzzled over what the man had done.

“What was that all about?”

“Nothing,” said the man, “My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”

Tony and Sarah are your hosts and owners of the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be welcomed by their hospitality and humor.

www.foolishtimes.net

THE ANSWER IS…the arts!

A film composer nudges the drama, draws out the tension and offers an appropriate rim shot to the well-timed joke.

That’s what Alan Silvestri does.

And he does it well. The Carmel Valley resident has won three Grammys and two Emmys, while racking up Oscar and Golden Globe nominations during a Hollywood career spanning 31 years.

Silvestri will be honored by the Arts Council for Monterey County for his lifetime achievements during the council’s Champions of the Arts Gala on January 14 at the Portola Hotel and Spa. Silvestri was a jazz percussionist who burst upon the scene as a maestro with “Back to the Future.” He has been scoring films ever since — 86 of them, to date — with credits as diverse as “Forrest Gump” and “The Avengers.” Remember the music from “The Polar Express” and “Father of the Bride?” That was Silvestri.

For Silvestri, a knack for storytelling is key to his success.

And writing music for the movies is what he calls a “unique music expression.”

“It’s all about how the composer can assist the telling of the story as well as write great music,” he said.

When he is not creating great music, Silvestri is producing estate wines from his vineyard in Carmel Valley.

Silvestri will be one of eight locals and organizations honored at the Champions of the Arts Gala. During the gala, the Arts Council celebrates excellence and leadership in the arts by recognizing outstanding people and organizations from all areas of the county.

January’s gala will also recognize: • Melissa Chin-Parker, artistic program director for Western Stage at Hartnell College. ChinParker has been a driving force at Western Stage more than 20 years, developing a theater company that presents stories which reflect the diversity of the region.

• Xochitecpatl Victor Juarez, leader of the Yaocuauhtili Cultural Dance group. Juarez leads 30 members and 50 students in performances across the Central Coast.

• Peggy Carroll, a music instructor and band leader at Washington Middle School in Salinas for the past 32 years.

Carroll, who is being honored in her role as an educator, said that music “shapes the way our students view the world.”

• South County Strings, an affiliate of Youth Music Monterey.

Music teachers for South County Strings offer free instruction and low-cost instrument rentals to students in the southern-most communities of Monterey County, giving children the opportunity to perform at school and community venues. Students receive a minimum of two hours of instruction each week and attend workshops offered by visiting musicians.

• Richard Bains, chair of the Music and Performing Arts Department at CSU Monterey Bay since the university’s founding in 1994. Bain has been a leader for emerging professionals.

He has developed the Heritage Festival and the Corrido Project, supporting music for youth throughout the region. Bains started playing the violin in the 4th grade and is dedicated to encouraging music programs in elementary schools.

• Donald and Lois Mayol, philanthropists who have long supported the region’s most prestigious classical music organizations. Their efforts help ensure that all children in the area have access to high-quality musical experience.

To learn more about the gala, see www.arts4mc.org.

October 2016

23

offer support through its new Local Emerging Artists Program.

The application deadline for emerging artists is Dec. 1. See www.arts4mc.org/leap for more information.

The Art Council for Monterey County is our featured local non-profit.

Fall Grant Cycle The Arts Council is accepting applications for its program grants through Oct. 15. Cultural arts grants are available to organizations with budgets and assets worth less than $100,000, but all other organizations must apply for the program grants.

To learn more about options, see www.arts4mc.org/grants.

New this year, Arts Council will

What is a ghost’s favorite dessert?

Booberry pie.

SeasideAutoDealers.com

The Holiday Season Starts Here 3rd Annual Holiday Bazaar Nov. 6th • 9am-2pm Monterey Moose Lodge 555 Canyon Del Rey Blvd Craft Vendors: $30 per space. Double it for $50 Susie @ 831.915.1112 | montereymoose876@gmail.com Sponsored by: Women of the Moose

24

October 2016

Foolish Sudoku

Answers from page 10

www.foolishtimes.net

It was mid-October and I was waiting for my wife, Julie, at the checkout at the local supermarket when I noticed that someone had left behind a broom.

When no one came to claim it, I went outside to search for a couple I remembered seeing at the cashier’s desk. I spotted them getting into their truck and hurried over.

“Excuse me,” I said to the young woman, “but did you by any chance leave your broom inside?

“No,” she retorted quickly and with a smile, “we came by truck.”

Foolish Search

Answers from page 19

Guide to Local Businesses & Services TRANSPORTATION

HANDYMAN

Freedom Medical Transportation

Bob

Non-emergency through the door service. Wheel chair and gurney. Available 24/7.

831.920.0687 freedommedicaltransportation.com

SCREENS Real Screens

Affordable high quality Italian custom design for any doorway and window. Complimentary in-home demonstration.

831.241.4964 www.realscreens.com

I can fix, repair or replace most things.

Electrical, carpentry, plumbing painting, auto and computers systems.

I am truly a handy man!

831.717.7917

DOG SITTING & WALKING

MAID SERVICE

MUSIC

Lily’s House Cleaning

Dependable. Thorough.Punctual 15 years of keeping homes clean Residential. Commercial. Move outs. Complimentary estimates

831.917.3937

Central Coast Pet Sitter

CERAMICS CA TRAVEL BOOKS

TheCentralCoastPetSitter.com

Venturing out?

CA Road Trips Staycation?

Monterey & Carmel staurtthornton.com

No need to leave your pet alone.

Since 2009, offering dog walking, pet sitting & yes... cat walking too!

Bonded & Insured 831.524.3675

DJ Vossenova

Lovable professional DJ features the greatest music of all time from the 50's, 60's & 70's.

831.236.5994 oldiestogo.com

AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com

ESSENTIAL OILS Have fun and learn how these all natural products can enhance you life mydoterra.com/sweetzies/#

To Promote On Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038

www.foolishtimes.net

KNOCK OFF it

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Honey bee.

Honey bee who?

Honey bee a dear and get me some juice.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Wooden shoe.

Wooden shoe who?

Wooden shoe like to hear another joke?

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

A broken pencil.

A broken pencil who.

Oh never mind it’s pointless.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Cow says.

Cow says who?

No silly, a cow says Mooooo!

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Double.

Double who?

W! Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Mikey!

Mikey who?

Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole!

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Atch.

Atch who?

Bless you!

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

I am.

I am who?

You don’t know who you are?

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Ya. Ya Who? Wow, I’m excited to see you too.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Figs.

Figs who?

Figs the doorbell, it’s broken!

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Interrupting pirate!

Interrup…

ARRRRRRRRRR! Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Iva. Iva who?

I’ve a sore hand from knocking!

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Avenue.

Avenue who?

Avenue knocked on this door before?

Will you remember me in 2 minutes?

Yes. Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Hey, you didn’t remember me!

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Banana.

Banana who?

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Banana.

Banana who?

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Banana.

Banana who?

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

October 2016

25

Knock, knock Who’s there?

Snow Snow who?

Snowbody!

Knock, knock Who’s there?

Your mom Your mom who?

Your mom! Now open the door or you’re grounded.

Knock, knock Who’s there?

G.I. G.I. who?

G.I. don’t know?

Knock, knock Who’s there?

Time Time who?

Time for dinner, it’s getting late.

SeasideAutoDealers.com

FREEDOM MEDICAL TRANSPORTATION

Prompt, Courteous and Safe Non-Emergency Medical Transportation

We Offer Our Passengers: • Through the Door Service • Same Day Service Availability for Last-Minute Transportation Needs • ADA-approved vehicles equipped with state-of-the-art wheelchair lifts • Drivers trained and certified in CPR and First-Aid • Gurney Access Available ASK US ABOUT OUR ROUND TRIP SPECIAL RATES TO DOCTOR’S OFFICE! Monterey County, Santa Cruz, San Jose and Stanford-Palo-Alto Open 24/7 • 365 days a year

(831) 920-0687 www.freedommedicaltransportation.com •

26

October 2016

October 1

150th Beach Party

Santa Cruz celebrates its birthday with a beach party ending the day with fireworks. cityofsantacruz.com

www.foolishtimes.net

October 8

Tequila & Cuisine

An evening of education and a first-class tasting experience.

Hangover optional. montereytequila.com

October 15

Second City

Chicago’s legendary sketch and improv comedy theater returns with “Free Speech! (While Supplies Last).” An irreverent look at America’s electoral insanity. csumb.edu/worldtheater

October 21-23

Monterey Symphony

October 1-2

Oktoberfest

For two days we celebrate Bavarian style. Lots of beer. Lots of live music. Lots of fun. oktoberfestmonterey.com

October 1-9

Six Degrees of Separation

We are all connected in some way.

Inspired by the real-life story of a con man and robber who managed to convince a number of people in the 1980s that he was the son of actor Sidney Poitier. westernstage.com

October 7

First Friday Art Walk

October 9

Anjelah Johnson

Born and raised in San Jose, she became an internet sensation which led to stand-up, TV and film. A very funny lady who was a Raiderette! goldenstatetheatre.com

October 9

Columbus Day

What he really discovered was that the Earth wasn’t flat and there was a “New World” for Europeans.

October 13

The Berenstain Bears on Stage

A delightful show with five great stories featuring everyone’s favorite family of bears. arieltheatrical.org

Fiesta Del Mar

Celebra la conservación de los océanos através de las tradiciones culturales de Latinoamérica en nuestro evento anual Fiesta del Mar. El día incluye presentaciones musicales en vivo, danzas culturales, shows de alimentaciones presentadas bilingües, artesanías para los niños y mucho más. montereybayaquarium.org

October 25

Ciclovia Salinas

A celebration of people powered transportation. Salinas has a deep investment in making cycling safer. openstreetsproject.org

Friday the 13th.

Jason made believers in the fearfulness of this day.

October 29-30

ROTA Fair

City Center is Oldtown Salinas’ new name. Other things that are new are the monthly offerings at this great free event. artistasunidos.org

October 7-22

October 16

A glorious opening to a new season with Big Sur: The Night Sun, a commissioned orchestral work from local Emmy-winning composer John Wineglass. montereysymphony.org

October 16

Bosses Day

October 15

Harvest of Hearts

Eat, drink and dance the night away to support Teddy Bears with Heart. Silent auction and DJ Fredo. tbwh.org

You’re lucky that this falls on a Sunday. Not seeing you today will be the perfect gift for your boss.

Two days of readings, healing and education. Don’t be fooled that you know everything.

Come and see. rotapsychicfair.com

October 31

Halloween

By today, you already have worn your costume for three days.

Enjoy it for one more.

Party responsibly.

October 2016

www.foolishtimes.net

To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038

27