Foolish Times March 2019

March 2019

Y’know...

Back in my day, we didn’t have Yelp to help us find a place to eat

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DESTROY

S

RATED

PG

PRETTY GOOD!

Episode 4

"Noise in the 'Hood" Previously: Lester Krasse’s presentation to Monster Mart CEO Malcolm D. Monster and marketing director, Jerry Peterson

is dying-- until a real live Tyrannosaurus Rex pursues a teenager to the roof of the building where Krasse has his office.

Assuming the dinosaur is part of his presentation, Monster promises Krasse a two million dollar contract to deliver the creature for the grand opening of his new Salinas store. The inevitable media and military arrive, but the Army’s cannon fire proves ineffective and the creature leaps from the rooftop to safety, still clutching the teenage boy, to wreak havoc on Oldtown, Salinas before moving on to a residential area where Sheriff’s deputies strike out with tear gas...

Brandon Marlowe had the volume on the stereo hedge to their neighbor’s. That yard was even worse.

Two blocks away stood the stately old Vandergilt house cranked to the max. The house thrummed to the beat of his favorite rock and roll band. Unfortunately, where a large yellow and black sign posted in the front Brandon’s father returned from work earlier than yard proudly proclaimed: usual. “Turn that down!” he yelled. “The whole house This Home has a LEAKEY Roof. is shaking!”

“Okay, okay!” Brandon adjusted the stereo.

“You were supposed to mow the lawn,” his father reminded him.

“All done, Dad,” Brandon answered smugly. “Can I have the car?” Mr. Marlowe tossed him the keys. “Cool!” Brandon watched his father stroll out to the patio to inspect his efforts. “BRAN-don!” he yelled. “Get out here!”

The back yard was a shambles. The lawn was all torn up, and the flower bed trampled to a mulch. By the overturned barbecue kettle, ashes lay scattered on the grass. His father glared at him. “Just how do you account for this?”

“I- I don’t know, Dad! I cut the grass! Raked everything up like you said. Honest! Everything was fine!”

“Then how did this happen?”

Brandon watched his father poke at a depression in the ground with his shoe. “Dad!” he cried. “It’s a footprint!

Look! There’s more!” Sure enough, a trail of the three-toed tracks led across the Marlowe’s back yard and through the #4-25

COPYRIGHT 2019 BY DANA B. LARRABEE ALL SLIGHTS DESERVED

Leakey Bros. Roofing Contractors FREE ESTIMATES · CALL 1-800-LEAKEY-1

While the Vandergilts vacationed in Maui, they were having the roof on their home replaced. Fred and Gil Leakey had neatly stacked their bundles of shingles on the rooftop and were preparing to nail them down with their pneumatic hammers. Gil looked down and over at the house across the street. A “For Sale” sign was posted in the front yard, and a well dressed woman was showing the place to a young couple.

Ellen Conner was her name, and since this particular home had been listed with Maison d’Etre Realty for months, she was overjoyed when these newlyweds said they’d take it. “A steal at three-ninety-seven-five,” she babbled. “You’ll love it. And such a quiet neighborhood---” Fred Leakey’s scream cut her short when the Tyrannosaurus thundered into the Vandergilt’s back

Written and Illustrated by Dana B. Larrabee

dalar ents@gmail.com yard. Gil turned from nailing down a shingle and saw the monster. The boy clutched in its paw wasn’t moving. “My God!” he yelled. “It’s killed a guy!”

Horrified, he raised his pneumatic hammer, and-- BLEP! BLAP! BLEP! BLAPP-- began firing nails at the creature.

The monster roared ferociously, and Gil found himself staring into a mouthful of teeth like jagged rows of steak knives. Fred clambered down the roof. Gil dropped the nail-gun and scrambled after him.

“HELP!” screamed Fred Leakey.

“Jump and run for it!” yelled his brother.

“Get me outta here!” wailed the boy in the monster’s paw. Ellen and the couple watched with amazement and horror while the Leakey brothers slid down the front of the roof and jumped. However, there was no escape for the luckless youngster gripped in the monster’s paw.

GNASH!! Its powerful jaws sheared into the Vandergilt’s roof. Tearing off a section, the creature spat out shards of lumber and shingles which rained down on the fleeing Leakey brothers. Then it clawed its way through the house, stomped on Mrs. Vandergilt’s prize dahlias and across the front lawn, where it flattened the roofers’ sign, overturned their faded blue pick-up and headed down the street. “Get outta the way! Get outta the way!” screamed the boy.

A few houses over, Tina, her sister Louise, and her boyfriend Alex were shooting baskets in the driveway. Louise was passing the ball to Tina when the dinosaur burst into the path of the basketball. POOMssshhmmppPPP! The ball burst like a punctured balloon in the monster’s snapping jaws.

“Hey!” yelled Alex. “That was an official NBA ball! Cost me twenty bucks!” The dinosaur’s eyes narrowed and it cackled wickedly. “Game over!” shrieked Alex, and the three ran screaming for the garage.

At number 605, mail carrier Joe Schlepp was leaving when a pit bull rushed him from behind the bushes and chased him down the walkway barking loudly. “G’won home, doggy. G’won home,” he pleaded. Instead, it followed him down the block barking even louder. “GO HOME, I say!” he commanded more forcefully. The dog stopped dead in its tracks. Its hair stood on end.

Then the animal turned tail and ran yelping down the street. The carrier chuckled. His moment of triumphant domination was complete. He began pulling the mail from his sack for the next house, when there came a growl from behind.

“Another doggone mutt,” grumbled Schlepp. He turned, saw the Tyrannosaurus, dropped his sack and ran. The monster followed and THWAACKK!! --kicked open the mail bag which exploded in a blizzard of cards and letters.

Next issue: Episode 5 Krasse Suits Up All previous episodes available at www.foolishtimes.net

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What the Bleep is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called”writers” and”artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools Chucklehead...........................Stevie P. Editorial Fool...........................Susie Q. Art Fool.........................Mama Morgan Intern Fool...........................Cynthia P.

The Chucklehead Speaks When I grow up, I want to be like Punxsutawney Phil. I want to crawl out from underneath my glass top desk and make a prediction that mass amounts of people sincerely believe is going to come true.

After that, I get to go back underneath my desk and not be bothered for another year.

How gullible have we become? Phil is a rodent not a meteorologist. Six weeks is six weeks. Spring with be here March 20. Are you still falling for, “Your shoe lace is untied,” when you’re wearing sandals?

We should have an open mind but not so open that our brain falls out. Look what happens every time to Charlie Brown when he gets talked in to believing Lucy van Pelt will hold the football so he can kick it.

It’s got to hurt after a while to keep falling on your head.

I was hiking down at Point Lobos and came across a shiny object. It appeared to be some sort of vessel so I rubbed it and out popped a Genie.

“I will grant you three wishes,” he said.

“I want to be able to pick up a newspaper and believe every word they print is true.”

“Wish granted,” he said “I want affordable housing to be my definition of affordable.”

“Second wish granted,” muttered the Genie. “Now for your third and final wish.”

“My third wish is for what’s updog.”

“What’s updog?”

“Not much.”

Learning not to be gullible has no graduation date.

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Cover Art By Cory Heads

Contributors

Tony Albano, Bini, Charles Birimisa, Liny Brun, Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Michael Houston, Craig Hubler, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keys, Dana Larabee, Trish Triumpho Sullivan, Mary Tompsett

Cartoonists

Andre Adams, Will Bullas, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Chris Myers, Chuck Scardina, David Schmidt, Monte Truitt

Foolish Times

P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942

831.648.1038

www.foolishtimes.net

4

Sucks to be YOU!

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Marina, Monterey, Salinas, and Seaside locations

FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it.

CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience.

429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com

SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it!

If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy.

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First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch!

171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net

ITALIAN Gino’s Voted best restaurant in Salinas.

The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce.

1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

MEXICAN Jose’s A local’s favorite!

Great food, great service. Crab enchiladas are fabulous.

1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345

WINE Monterey County is home to awardwinning wine. You can’t go wrong with anything from our region.

Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper. Cheers!

JAPANESE Wakatobi Japanese Grill Noodles, tempura, hibachi, seafood, meat and vegi dishes.

Open daily for lunch & dinner.

Catering available.

1130 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.717.4624

PUBS Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio.

Full menu to midnight.

150 W Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net

THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by awardwinning chef. Newly remodeled.

328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223

SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/bar available.

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BBQ Grove Market Chicken, ribs, sandwiches with all the sides. Daily specials, catering small or large parties.

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1) What was your worst job?

2) What do you do while home alone?

3) Are you friends with any of your exes?

4) What keeps you going day to day?

Bob #1 1) I was a bank teller. People always complained that their balance should be higher. It wasn’t like I had lots of money either.

2) I binge-watch Netflix. Sometimes I’ll pause a movie to reenact a scene.

3) My ex is a typical Leo. I have her blocked and she has me blocked. Hopefully she is more alone than I am.

4) I like to think that someday I’ll win the lottery.

Robert 1) I worked for a wake-up service. I was assigned to call people to get them up and out of bed. My military training helped me get the job.

2) I put one specific song on an endless loop for hours.

I love the song that much.

3) I see my ex in a lot of places I go. Maybe she knows where I am because I post my life on Facebook.

4) I really don’t know what that question means. Is it about my dietary habits?

Roberta 1) I worked is retail sales in the women’s section of a department store. I learned that just because you think it fits doesn’t mean you should wear it.

2) I spent time exfoliating that super dry dead skin on my feet.

3) I’m friends with everybody. I’ve never had a problem breaking it off with somebody and I’m sorry if they cry.

4) I enjoy where I live and don’t have high expectations of others.

Bob #2 1) Fast Food. I still work in fast food. It’s not really fast food. Not sure it’s even food.

2) I spend a lot of time singing in front of mirror to see if I would look good in a music video.

3) What exes?

4) I’m a people person.

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By Bini MARCH was a more undesirable month in olden times. It was March’s mad changeability that made many tuck in their upper lip. Bini says, instead look to its twilight at midday, its rainbow mists, its late winter shadows that cloak a crumbling bullnose that changes to a rendezvous in a film noir.

Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram A foolish March to the cherry blossom tree for you found no love full of glee. Your call echoes to the meadows, where is thee! What did you think all of your coming and going would create? A coming and going? Of course it did and so you stopped to fill up on Ghee. The fact for this setback is you prefer carefree, so open the Chablis.

Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Your tail is showing! This giant smallness is in the ides of March.

You are being superstitious.

Oh, so unlike you, earthy beast, ask yourself this: why are you hiding your potential? Stuffing it into a cushion of mediocrity won’t make you sit taller. The only impending doom is the gloom you’ve been gathering in your bullish head. Go thee to the withdrawing room! Go on.

Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins A miss is as good as a mile! You act with indubious persuasion, but beneath that surface you are antagonized. You thought it a devil when in fact it was grandma with hotcakes and Kosher pickles.

In your impetuousness an opportunity flashed before you and vanished.

Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab A golden key can open any door.

A door on the boundary between winter and spring known as March. The only article holding you back is the abysmal lack of general knowledge on the subject of locksmiths. The combination lies only in a few turns sideways and jubilation well on its way. Click!

Eureka!

Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion As thick as thieves! Crimson, Burgundy, and Maroon, are your colors. They can enhance seasonal bravery for the places you are most suspicious of. No more droopy shoulders, this is just the antidote you need for the unyielding desire to fly alone. Roll up your sleeves past your ears, and share those secrets!

Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion March hack ham comes in like a lion, goes out like a lamb! Surely a tussle of that mane will awaken your privilege to take what is yours with fang and claw and duly noted, to act as if it were there for the taking! Recall the small and feeble proverbs, the history that tries to ease the truth of a deathly demise.

All is well that ends well... right?

Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush! You hate this phrase because you lost your arrow in the hydrangea bush. While fetching it, you broke your bow. Your attention went astray when you were concocting a plan for more than you ever aimed for before. Look at the Grouse?!

Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin We know you’re in there! We can you hear the dragonflies coughing.

This carpet of yellow roses all over and underfoot won’t hide you for long. Clear this plastic pandemonium because a change is as good as a rest! Don’t be a pest where serenity is a quest. Give up inquiring forces and contemplate your navel’s crest.

Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Shutting down for you is as impossible as accepting that a woman’s place is in the home!

Unless we speak of the home as the heart, well then, Woman’s work is never done, is it!

Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat Thought you might like to know there are more pet dogs in the USA then people in Britain. The hair of the dog is the best route at this juncture. A bit cliché perhaps, but it’s a waiting game. Waiting too is overused for certain urgent matters, but You may as well chill otherwise relief will be nil!

Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier A drowning person will clutch at a frog. A ribbit-ing screech for help!

Is this what you want? A pure act of desperation? It’s about mental fatigue for you Aquario. Your mouth is full of alphabet blocks jamming your jaw, roll out that dice and get your Speedo on and spring into a sublime thaw!

Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes A fish rots from the head down!

Your motives and methods only need a trifle of tinkering.

Continue to dive up the river with your best shot! Watch out for the Bears intending to swallow your lot. Don’t be hasty, if others more desirable will have you not. Soon than later, you will be shoaling with a trot. So as a leader of the day, Happy Birthday! All aboard your treasured yacht!

I’ve got trouble with the wife again. She came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number.

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By Debbie Harris

THOUGHT DROPS II

I wonder if anyone has ever gotten their glue stick confused with their Chapstick. With really talkative people, you could swap the two when you want them to be quiet.

Am I the only person who thought that yams and sweet potatoes were the same vegetable?

If rum balls have rum in them, how come coffee cake doesn’t have coffee in it?

Pot smokers: I’m happy for your new found freedom.

However, please remember . . . you stink.

I have trouble with the concept of marijuana being “recreational.”

Does that mean smokers have to do it in a Winnebago? I would prefer that to their doing it outside where everyone can smell it. I have a neighbor who gets “recreational” every morning (either that or we have a roving skunk on a schedule). It stinks.

Biking is recreational, but what if bicycle tires emitted a putrid odor every time they made a rotation? It would stink!

And just because you visited with Mary Jane outside, doesn’t mean she’s completely gone when you go inside. So remember when you go the grocery store post-toke to get your salty munchies and your sweet munchies ... you stink!

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing. “Fishing,” replied the old man.

Poor old fool, thought the gentlemen. So, he decided he would invite the man to have a drink. Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, “And, how many have you caught today?”

“You’re the sixth,” he answered.

Tony and Sarah are your hosts and owners of The Crown & Anchor. Come in and be warmed by their hospitality and humor.

I think we’re getting to the point with the gender identity issue that we need new pronouns and ways of addressing people to help us with the people whose gender we can’t figure out. Sir and Ma’am just don’t cut it anymore.

If changing to new terms is too complicated, we can always stay with avoiding pronouns, calling people “Hon,” (but that one can get you into trouble) referring to them as “Folks” or “this/that person/human/individual.” If we mess up, we can pretend we have a speech disorder.

Is it treasonous to watch a British murder mystery on the Fourth of July?

I was thinking about procrastinating today but I decided to do it tomorrow.

Is there something wrong with this picture? I saw a guy with a tattoo that said, “The Finer Things in Life” shopping at the 99 Cent Store. Maybe he wasn’t speaking materially.

I saw a product that promoted itself as “Single Use Eye Drops.”

Can eye drops be used more than once? Both my parents use eye drops and I’ve never seen either one of them try to squeeze them out and store them for later use.

Does the claim mean that no one else should use someone’s eye drops container? There’s only one treatment in the bottle? If anyone ever offers you used eye drops, say no.

Will the new share-therestroom laws reduce our

facilities? Most business with restrooms have two—one for men and one for women. Now that we’ll be sharing, will they be required to only have one? Oh the lines … lines … lines.

Is it treasonous to watch a British murder mystery on Fourth of July?

Am I the only one who cringes when I see a painfully thin person smoking? Maybe they should eat the cigarette . . . or something else instead of the cigarette!

Who names prescription drugs? Seems to me they are named after indigenous tribes, whose syllables might even involve a tongue click or a choking sound made from the back of the throat. Some appear to be named by Dr. Seuss. Maybe the manufacturers just enjoy watching people struggling to pronounce them and laugh at their attempts. May they get cramps in their tongues for no reason.

And may you have a marvelous March!

Instead of candy, wouldn’t it be easier to take cabbage from a baby?

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Celebrating 25 Years of Keeping Families Safe on the Road

$69.95 value

We honor Seniors and Military

10 minutes later, she heard the wife reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’

A man tells a Rabbi, “I have a strong desire to live to eternity.

What am I supposed to do?”

“Get married,” replies the Rabbi.

“It’s that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?”

“No, but the desire will disappear.”

An elderly lady goes into Bass Pro Shop in San Jose to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday.

She doesn’t know which one to choose so she takes one over to the counter.

An associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, “Excuse me, sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It’s a good all around combination and it’s on sale this week for only $20.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

“Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At

first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who passed gas. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, but the duck call is $11 and the bear repellent is $3.50.”

A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab.” The doctore grabbed his stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly she noticed that there were several cabs — and she was in the wrong one.

At the beginning of his shift a doctor placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.

“Big breaths,” he instructed.

“Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient.

One day a doctor had to be the bearer of bad news when she told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five

During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

“Which one?” the doctor asked.

“The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!”

The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over 50 patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

While acquainting himself with a new elderly patient, a doctor asked, “How long have you been bedridden?”

After a look of complete confusion the patient answered, “Why, not for about 20 years — when my husband was alive.”

A doctor was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man she asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?”

“It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” Bob replied.

The doctor then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’

By Mary Tompsett

DILLIGS?!

Sponsored Swellings and Spellings

This month’s fire hose of wisdom is sponsored by items appropriate to the topics, partially to enhance your reading experience, but mostly, so I can pretend to have a pinch of business savvy. Another low-carb serving of DILLIGS?! = “Does it look like I give a sh*t?!”

QUESTION: I’m a med student.

Is dermatology a good specialty?

DILLIGS: Funny that you ask.

The other day I caught a TV show about a doctor who specializes in popping pimples. We saw videos of Dr. Poppsie digging into leprous volcanoes, along with her stage demo on proper technique by kneading a tire-sized clear pouch filled with white muck.

I guess we’ve all been doin’ it wrong because, oh my, what an eruption. So, yes, dermatology is big bucks for big mucks. Go for it. This derma-dig is sponsored by your local bakery, home of bulging cream puffs, leaking eclairs, and bruised jelly donuts— all oozing their innards like a fresh crime scene. So, pop in and scoop some up!

QUESTION: What are the popular baby names in 2019?

DILLIGS: Abigail and Levi are current favorites, meaning classrooms are already stuffed with them. So, darlin’, that train has gone. How ’bout something that sounds Euro-elite, like Nauseamo or Flatulencia?

Now, that’s classy. And do resist alternate spellings and nonsensical punctuation. Just for kicks, let’s plant self-worth by replacing apostrophe tinsel with (gasp!) good parenting. No child deserves a lifelong curse by (1) turning a normal Abigail

spelling into a “bully magnet” of A’bigg’gal; or (2) shackling a boy to a trainwreck spelling that forces him to bark—until death—“That’s two t’s in lower case, apostrophe, upper case DD, exclamation point…pronounced Ted!”

Golly, we could resurrect classics like Bob, Jane, and that cringe-worthy old clunker, Dick!

Golly, we could resurrect classics like Bob, Jane, and that cringe-worthy old clunker, Dick!

Imagine a future classroom packed with Aidens and Wyatts, and skulking in the back row is a little Dick. Or a big Dick.

Age-dependent, of course.

American baby names reflect diversity, merrily blending love and mindless herd behavior in a frenzied national polka, without the accordions.

So, where are oodles of low-mileage names that mean something? In math and science!

Consider these scenarios. At the airport: “Polyhedra Jones, please pick up a white courtesy phone.”

At the tofu sculpting contest: “Congrats to our winners, Joule and Boolean Schwartz!” And on Facebook: Man’s wedding ring lost at Hooter’s. Engraved: “To Kelvin with love from Amygdala.”

And lo! Thou hast in thy right hand and, lo again, also in the left, the Periodic Table of Elements! Picture a tiny backpack labeled Molybdenum Smith.

And what fun to seed a jaunty family pathology by naming the twins Hafnium and Holmium.

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Plus, each element has its own atomic number—free! Verily, I say unto thee, life is yummy. But again, don’t contaminate the Table names by aberrations like Fos‘F’Rus, or Zzzynque. Instead, vote Yes on the ballot for a national Apostrophe User Tax. And when we exhaust the Periodic Table, we’ll mine the ingredients in cosmetics, cleaners, and meds. This rambling name nonsense is proudly sponsored by Polyquaternium-7 and Methylchloroisothiazolinone. No apostrophes, no tax.

The air show is always a hit, but March's performance is short one jet. The Navy sidelined it due to excess weight caused by cookie crumbs and popcorn ground into the cockpit floor mat.

Copyright © 2019

Did they purposely make dyslexia hard to spell?

1 Hour

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It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, “You have a cute baby.”

The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all new parents.”

“No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies really are good looking.”

The husband again asked, “So what do you say to the others?”

The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you.”

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Farmer’s Market Every Tuesday

Rain or Shine • Open 4-7pm

We’re Green!

‘18

For information

831.655.2607 Alvarado St

14

Turn the Other Cheek

By Tony Albano

Back in the early 60s, we lived in the projects in Brooklyn. It really was a wonderful village at the time. The place was brand new, and everybody there were the first occupants in their individual apartments. It was a wonderful time and place. People of all nationalities lived side-by-side and everybody got along together beautifully. It was like the United Nations.

I was just a boy, not even 10, and found great comfort in my grandfather who watched over me while my mother and father both worked. He was my everything at the time. He was my protector, my person to talk to, my sure friend.

Sometimes I would go downstairs and be with other kids on the playground. I did have one bad incident that stands out in my mind to this day. I must have been about seven when this happened. I was out playing with these boys, and this one kid named Herschel asked me if I would push him on his bicycle.

I thought, sure, why not? So I pushed Herschie. I was pushing him and pushing. We were having a ball. Everybody was having fun. All the little old ladies were sitting on their benches watching us.

Then out of nowhere a teenage girl came down and smacked me across the face so hard that

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my teeth rattled and the side of my face burned like it was on fire. I had never been hit in the face before. I didn’t know what happened.

I learned on that day, sometimes it’s better to take the hit than to escalate the war.

The girl started screaming at me, saying, “You ruined our day.

You ruined his shirt. We were supposed to go out. It’s a special occasion, a Jewish holiday. And you dirtied up his whole shirt.” I just was in shock. I had no idea what she was upset about. I didn’t really know what had happened.

She marched me up to her parents’ apartment, dragging me most of the way by the collar of my tee shirt. Along the way I realized that Herschie’s shirt had gotten dirty, probably because my hands were dirty from play and then pushing him around on his bicycle. Of course I didn’t mean to get his shirt dirty. I wouldn’t even have noticed it if she hadn’t yelled about it.

The girl brought me into her parents and was yelling and

telling them about this awful crime I had committed. By then I realized that Herschie was wearing a freshly-starched and ironed white shirt and I could clearly see my handprints on the back of it. They were horrified to see the way my face looked. They scolded her and said, “Don’t you ever touch a kid like that again.”

They also kept apologizing to me.

It’s funny how a young mind works. I knew in that moment that I could never tell my Gramps about what had happened. If he had found out, he would have gone up to the girl’s apartment, ripped the door right off its hinges and there would have been hell to pay.

I learned on that day, sometimes it’s better to take the hit than to escalate the war.

“Life is a Bumpy Road smoothed out by the people, and the dogs, you meet along the way!”

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BE HI ND TH E SC EN ES wi th that"GODZELDA GUY" PHOTOS AND GODZELDA ART COURTESY OF DANA B. LARRABEE COPYRIGHT 2019

p Drawing the vampire for Krasse’s Monster Mart presentation, Larrabee used a poseable figure as a guide.

Painting an early “Godzelda” on acetate after hours at KTOM in 1989. u

Godzelda creator Dana B. Larrabee grew up in Framingham, Massachusetts and came to California’s Central Coast in 1970 by way of Fort Ord. Foolish Times met with him at his Salinas home studio for this interview.

FT: What set you to writing and drawing?

DBL: The Dr. Seuss books. And the newspaper funnies and TV. Parked in front of the set, I’d try to make my drawings look like animated cartoons.

‘Even picked up some of the characters’ voices.

FT: When did you start comic books?

DBL: A friend and I published a little neighborhood newspaper-- but Mad magazine led me to satirical comics we began peddling on the QT in junior high.

FT: Were you always interested in dinosaurs?

DBL: Yeah, like most kids. And I was fascinated by the 1933 stop-motion King Kong, and made an animated 8mm One Zillion B.C. with the obligatory T. Rex and erupting volcano. The bubbling lava was tomato soup filmed on Mom’s kitchen stove.

FT: How did your parents take all this?

DBL: Always supportive. After high school, they sent me on to the Rhode Island School of Design to major in Illustration. A stop-motion Puppetoontype film was my final project for graduation.

FT: And then you enlisted in the Army?

DBL: Yes, and it sure paid off. Met my wife, Un, while stationed in Korea, got trained in photography, darkroom technique, film editing-- and while overseas I bought a 16mm Bolex. Afterwards, I teamed up with some other Fort Ord “graduates” for an unsuccessful studio venture, but I did publish “Captain Crudd” who turns up later in Godzelda…

FT: Which you largely wrote while in radio. How did you wind up in a totally aural medium?

DBL: I’d landed a filming gig at KMST TV (now KION) in 1973. KWAV FM was in the same building, and those character voices of mine led to radio commercials. Nights, I took film and business classes at MPC. We bought a home

The horrified wino finally inked and hand-colored in 2018.

p T Rex model mouth on stepladder ready for reference art photography.

p2001 sketch of the wino’s "Gross Encounter" for Episode 3.

in Salinas and I began freelancing locally as a commercial animator-- which eventually cost me the TV job. Fortunately, Un had a solid position with Monterey County while I knocked around in retail and advertising. When Cinderella Carpets’ ad department folded in 1983, I turned to radio-first in sales, then at KTOM as creative director.

FT: Which obviously influenced your story...

DBL: Oh, yeah. The Monster Mart characters all originated in radio commercials. Tommy Kaye was a persona I voiced for station promotions and Sue Foxx was modeled after an actual sales rep.

FT: Your illustrations resemble animation from the 1930’s and ‘40’s…

DBL: That was definitely the look I was going for-- I would trace my penciled originals in ink onto acetate and paint ‘em on the reverse. For some backgrounds I would draw, paint and paste additional elements onto hand-tinted black and white photos or color prints struck from 35mm transparencies. Now I do all that on the computer.

FT: Any difficulties visualizing the illustrations?

DBL: When I get in a jam, I do have a Jurassic Park model T. Rex for reference. Visualizing the view from inside Godzelda’s mouth posed some problems, so I actually built a cardboard and wire model and duck-taped it to a step ladder. I was with the County then, and on lunch hour when I clambered inside the rig, camera in hand for photographs, my co-workers couldn’t figure out what the Hell I was doing!

FT: So, you left radio...

DBL: I was discouraged. Publishers kept passing on Godzelda, and Un was at me to hire on with the County. Kept telling her being a paper-pusher wasn’t for me. I was considering self-publishing again when a graphic arts tech position at the County’s print shop came up in 1991. They wanted someone who could handle the darkroom stuff and write for their newsletter. So I went for it. ‘Kept at Godzelda,

Painting the final view from inside Godzelda’s mouth on acetate.

though; on breaks, lunch hours-- and when things were slow, I’d hide out in the dark room and write.

FT: And then…?

DBL: ‘Kept striking out with publishers. So for a reliable critique, I reached out to Elliot RuchowitzRoberts, whose Novels into Film class I’d taken at MPC, for some editorial guidance.

(FT: Professor Emeritus at Monterey Peninsula College, Ruchowitz-Roberts taught composition, literature, public speaking and humanities there for 32 years. Currently he serves as Vice President of the Robinson Jeffers Tor House Foundation. For the Carl Cherry Center for the Arts, he conducts poetry writing workshops and coordinates the annual Monterey County High School Poetry Awards.)

DBL: Elliot totally got the concept and was a major, major help during my re-writes. The serialized version offered to local papers went nowhere, though, and I decided against resubmitting to mainstream publishers ‘til a sequel was completed. In 2007 I put it all on hold to start a film about teenage monster movie-makers.

FT: What led you to the Foolish Times?

DBL: ‘Discovered it one day at a Starbucks and knew right off it was the perfect local venue for a serialized Godzelda. When I presented episodes to Steve and Susie, they went for it immediately.

FT: So, what’s next?

DBL: Hopefully Godzelda’s print debut will-- with some guerilla marketing and luck, maybe lead to the right publisher or studio to help make her complete adventure available to a wider audience.

Editor’s note: As readers know, Larrabee’s “Godzelda Destroys Salinas” is tongue-in-cheek homage to the classic monster movie oldies-- but with a decidedly offbeat spin on the basic “monsteron-the-loose” premise. You can read any missed episodes and follow “Godzelda Destroys Salinas” on our website at www.foolishtimes.net

H A IFlow R …It, Show It

By Charles Birimisa

In the last few months I have gotten more comments about my hair than in the previous halfcentury. What has prompted this interest in my hair is I have not cut it in well over a year. During that time it has grown out to never-before proportions. A stock answer I’ve used when asked about my hair is, “Well, as a kid it was like this.” And that’s not necessarily true. It’s longer now.

There is a solid reason I’ve allowed my hair to grow long. But that’s not important. But I will offer a clue. In the 1985 motion picture the Dean asked the janitor, “Carl, what did you want to be when you grew up?” I won’t

say what Carl said in response.

But his answer to the question is partly why I’ve boycotted the cutter.

During the summer an old childhood friend, Bobby, said that I look (chiefly because of my hair) like an English music producer.

That’s coming from someone who is actually a Bay Area music producer. The next time I saw Bobby, shortly before Christmas, he said I look (because of my hair) like a drummer. No specific drummer, but a drummer, which I took as a drummer in a rock band.

At the checkout line at the SuperMax store in Prunedale,

17 a man in his early 60s asked, “Are you Peter Frampton’s son?”

“Frampton Comes Alive” was a bestselling 1976 album which featured on its cover the long haired rocker. I responded that I wasn’t.

Then twice in two days I got “You look like Albert Einstein.”

“Do I look that old?” I mused.

The comparison frankly was somewhat depressing, and then I thought, “Well, Einstein was considered a genius.”

What has prompted this interest in my hair is I have not cut it in well over a year.

Walking across the San Lorenzo Bridge an older boomer really looked me over. “It’s Page and Plant,” referring to Led Zeppelin’s lead singer Robert Plant and lead guitarist Jimmy

Page. That made me feel a little better, despite the fact those two former long hair rockers are pushing 70.

In closing, it is one name keeping me in this hair game.

I’m waiting patiently for the comparison. At one time, more than 30 years ago I wanted to be this person. I harbored aspirations (delusions) of playing him when it was announced a film would be made about the story of his time. I have photographs of myself posing like he posed in photographs. At that time my hair was dark and long like his was. It’s frustrating the comparison has not come yet.

Maybe I do look too old?

But it’s the comparison I’m looking for and if I get it a, “Hey, you look like Jim Morrison,’’ it might be satisfaction enough to consider visiting a cutter again.

18

Drive With Us!

If you blinked your eyes, upon opening you would find that Marina is the place to be. New home construction made this area the fastest growing parts of our county.

To keep up with the growing population, restaurants are also one of the fast growing business sectors of Marina.

The 11th International Flavors of Marina, the popular biennial event is set for April 4. This event brings more than 30 Marina restaurants, breweries and wineries together for an unforgettable diverse culinary experience. The event attracts foodies from all over Monterey County where attendees mingle and eat their way around the world as they enjoy a night full of fun, laughter and exquisite flavors.

The gathering in April is at the new SpringHill Suites by Marriott. Its spacious terrace overlooking the ocean offers comfortable seating areas and fire pits for a wonderful outdoor experience. Because the weather in Marina is as predictable as winning the state lottery, it’s an indoor and outdoor event. No sunscreen required.

International Flavors of Marina will be holding a silent auction to benefit the Marina Chamber of Commerce’s cultural, social and networking activities.

Tickets for International Flavors of Marina will be available on a first-come, firstserve basis. Mark your calendar and purchase your tickets early!

This event always sells out.

Please pass the word to your friends and family. www.marinaflavors.com

Make a difference in your community and in someone’s life.

Become an ITN driver today.

ITN is an arm-through-arm, door-through-door transportation service for seniors and visually-impaired adults. ITN offers affordable fares, no tipping, and cash-free transactions.

Monterey: 831 233-3447 | Salinas: 831 240-0850 ITNMontereyCounty.org Supported by Members and Donors Independent Transportation Network Monterey County A 501(c)(3) Non-Profit Organization

By Ted Gargiulo

19

We’ve Got You Covered!

March Movie Mania is upon us again. And Nitpix has some amazing stuff in store for you this Spring! I invite you to peruse our library of undiscovered treasures and see for yourself. If you haven’t downloaded our catalogue, then you need to drop everything and do so—right now!

Well? Didn’t find a single movie you liked, did you! There’s a reason for that. Most of the popular classics and hit favorites you were looking for have been removed (except for a few teasers) to make room NEW inventory.

Whatever you’re looking for, or thought you were looking for, no longer matters, because Nitpix offers you something far better: flicks you didn’t KNOW you wanted to see!

How do we presume to know your mind better than you do? By following you around the Internet. Our researchers track your surfing habits. They know where you live and work, where you shop, who your friends are, how you amuse yourself. They read your comments on social media. They’re even privy to the sleaze you peak at late at night when you think no one’s watching you. There’s no need to fill out a lengthy psychological profile when you join Nitpix, because they’ve already composed one for you. Based on their findings, our sophisticated computer algorithms can custom-pick movies to complement your perceived tastes, jump-start your imagination, exploit your fears, and satisfy your deepest longings.

Say, for instance, you were exploring home improvement websites last week. Nitpix might

recommend thrilling, true-tolife tales of mildew, leaky roofs, wrenches and water heaters.

Perhaps you’d rather witness a handyman’s convention in Omaha, or take a tour of Moscow’s sewers. Say you’ve been checking out real estate in Wyoming. Then prepare to be inundated with Wild West sagas, horse-roping exhibitions, Bigfoot sightings, and tutorials on barbecuing muskrat. Planning an overseas vacation? Skittish about flying? Nitpix will regale you with travel documentaries, ethnic sitcoms, and airline disaster flicks.

Unlike ordinary movie plans, Nitpix has gone out of its way to reinvent its programming.

Like what you see? If not, you’ll LEARN to like it!

Unlike ordinary movie plans, Nitpix has gone out of its way to reinvent its programming. First, to demonstrate that WE, not you, are running the show. Second, to prove that you’re NOT the discriminating viewer you think you are. Our research has determined that you, like most viewers, are shallow, easily placated, and likely to watch anything we shove in your face, especially if we hype it with fake reviews and multiplestar ratings. That’s why we’ve replaced those expensive titles you’re accustomed to finding, with obscure, third-rate industry rejects that are cinchy to replicate

and cheaper to stream. By keeping our operating expenses down, we can afford to bait you upfront with a low-cost trial subscription—the better to ensnare you later with a longterm contract you’re probably too lazy to read.

Gradually, we’ll dumb you down to where you neither realize, nor care, what kind of swill you’re being fed. Then, when you’re back is turned, we’ll switch you over to “Premium Service,” jack up your monthly rate, and claim that we’re “improving your viewing experience.” We’ll even throw in some useless tech equipment to embellish this deal you unwittingly agreed to.

Take it from us: Once you let Nitpix into your life, you’ll never trust another video plan again.

Nor would you want to!

What did the tie say to the hat?

You go on ahead and I’ll hang around!

Where does bad light go?

PRISM! What did one plate say to the other?

Dinner’s on me Who cleans the bottom of the ocean?

A Mer-Maid Where do pencils go on vacation?

Pennsylvania What is heavy forward but not backward?

Ton. What do you get when you plant kisses?

Tu-lips (two-lips) What pet makes the loudest noise?

A trum-pet!

Do you realize that in about 30 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

Bugs Bunny!

Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school?

She had a make-up exam!

What did one eyeball say to the other eyeball?

Between you and me something smells.

20

By Daria James

Well now they know: Let it Go! Right about now, spring is trying to fight its way out of winter, like Ace Ventura trying to escape that rhino. But do not fear folks, it’s a fake rhino, like global warming (just kidding, that is serious business), or whatever other metaphorical fight and escape scene you prefer in your head.

With spring time comes spring cleaning. We put away our coats and winter attire. If you live in California you just stop wearing socks, I guess. Nonetheless, if you have access to online movies and shows, you probably have bumped into Marie Kondo. She is the newest American obsession… for most. I knew about her before she was mainstream (yeah, yeah, hipster blah, blah) and with the KonMari Method she is tidying up, cleaning up and minimalizing the lives of many hoarders.

Look if you do not need it, you’re hoarding.

Can’t have clutter if you do not have stuff.

Work smart not hard.

Her philosophy is simple. If the item does not spark joy in your life, you need to let it go, both physically and emotionally.

Then scratch goes the record in the soundtrack of your life, for skeptics are saying Konmari is for the Gwyneth Paltrows and her elitist friends, since they can afford to get rid of items the deem “unnecessary.”

Look I get it, you spend your hard-earned dollars and you are

keeping those shoes, jeans, hats, bags and other artifacts. Well, what about NOT purchasing unnecessary items to begin with?

Minimalism was here before Marie. When I left the nest, I only had one bag of clothes and two pairs of shoes. Then whatever came in my duffel bag when I joined the military. It’s not that I was a minimalist before it was mainstream (seriously, that hipster thing is old. Get out of here). Back in the day we just called it balling on a budget. I was not broke (unless, you count emotionally) but I was not living above my means. Thus I did not have a lot of stuff. Can’t have clutter if you do not have stuff.

Work smart not hard.

When I got married, I knew we were going to move frequently and I did not want to carry junk around with us. So, we furnished our home with the basics, and once the baby came along, she too had the bare necessities. We saved our money and did not care what people said. Jokingly, but seriously, I referred to us as Gypsies. We pack up and go.

It was a process to discipline ourselves into not falling for consumerism.

Today, not when but if, I go shopping I remain focused. I need shoes. I have an idea what kind of shoes I want and go to the shoes store. I stopped going to Target because I know I can have weak moments. I’m not perfect. I am human and I need to feel good wearing my clothes. Oh it’s half price?! Well, who would want to lose on a great deal?

As a favor to you and the world, research where your clothes

are coming from. Develop a conscience. Do not waste your food not only because kids in third world countries do not have it, think about how a cow lost her life so you could eat that burrito.

It will help you make a decision next time you feel like upgrading your smartphone and wearing a shirt twice before disposing of it. The clutter takes care of itself if you don’t acquire it in the first place. Hey don’t get me wrong, I do not live in a cave. I like the finer things in life, but I have minimized unnecessary spending and our waste. My husband has no idea how welcomed he is. We have made little changes and gotten big results. You just have to star somewhere.

Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

March Madness = Basketball Fever Answers on pg 24

Division One Tournament Single Elimination Games Selection Sunday Teams Final Four Three Weeks Tickets Television Coverage Bracket National Champion Prediction

Downtown Book & Sound

By Trish Triumpho Sullivan It’s pretty fun (not mention quite an honor) to be the center of the universe, to be the cutting edge in trending, cool, chic and cactaceous. If you don’t know what cactaceous means, then you are obviously not from Arizona and you don’t know how to pronounce ‘saguaro’ either.

According to UrbanDictionary. com, cactaceous has “two definitions: Archaic: cactuslike or prickly, 21st Century: awesome, bad, cool, something or someone really good or excellent.”

And you know we are here in Sunny Salinas – a place John Steinbeck described as, “… never a pretty town,’’ in a 1955 issue of Holiday magazine. ‘’It took darkness from the swamps. The high gray fog hung over it and the ceaseless wind blew up the valley, cold and with a kind of desolate monotony. The mountains on both sides of the valley were beautiful, but Salinas was not and we knew it. Perhaps that is why a kind of violent assertiveness, an energy like the compensation for sin grew up in the town.”

Now you know, and, we hope, you are better equipped to fully understand – to ‘grok’ if you will why the new bookstore in Downtown Salinas can only be properly described as cactaceous.

Both the archaic and the current definitions apply to this particular bookstore because Downtown Salinas was the epicenter of the analogue trend. We were the first to close our libraries and then re-open them – we just can’t seem to make up our minds whether to love books or not.

I like books a lot, but I never thought I’d be a book seller (or

Book Tender as these California youngsters say), yet here I am with a new and used bookstore in historic downtown Salinas – the birthplace of who else but John Steinbeck! And we love to promote local authors so much that we have books by such greats as Elrond (Lawrence) and that elusive fellow, Anonymous.

It feels like a cross between a library [shhhhhhh] and an old time schoolhouse.

What could be weirder (and cooler) than a book about Abandoned Fort Ord by a cactaceous local author? (Book signing event coming soon!) And by the way, the University of Fort Ord (or UFO as we like to call our cactaceous local edifice of ‘higher’ learning), gives out a 16-panel brochure on different ORDinance one might encounter on a stroll through campus and why one mustn’t touch any of the pictured explosives. Yeah, we have many unusual books like that – the classic children’s book, “B is for

Botox” is a staple.

But I digress. Downtown Book & Sound feels like a cross between a library [shhhhhhh] and an old time schoolhouse [woot], lots of blonde wood shelves, polished floors and, of course, rows of books. Real books.

Cactaceous books. Books that you can actually hold in your hands and read. Batteries not included and no earbuds necessary.

Three stuffed crows perch atop the high bookshelves – named by a budding bibliophile: Edgar, Allen and Poe. Who reads their kid Edgar Allen Poe poems? This was the same little tike who, upon seeing a bright yellow

21 and black row of Cliff Notes, exclaimed, “Look dad, a book about caution tape!” Out of the mouths of babes.

In history we know that first dog created bookstores and then he created box stores then he created Amazon and in the process all the bookstores and box stores went away. Then Amazon thought brick and mortar stores a grand idea – but we always knew that neighborhood stores are the wave of the future as well as the past.

Folks still like to browse and still spend more hard-earned dollars in a cactaceous physical store than online. Well, it all started here in Salinas where the high grey fog hangs over Downtown Book & Sound and our three crows, Edgar, Allen & Poe like to quote Groucho Marx: “Outside of a book, a dog is man’s best friend.

Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for your trouble, you wouldn’t be able to sit for a week.

22

BOWL OF CONFUSION…The Can’t Rant

By Robyn Justo

At breakfast this morning, I overheard a woman chastising her husband or boyfriend about ordering a glass of OJ. “Do you know how many oranges make a glass of juice?” she asked sternly.

“I don’t know…10?” he guessed in a childlike and somewhat emasculated voice.

“FOUR,” she said, correcting him. She let him have a small juice after the inquisition.

I wasn’t sure if she was concerned about his health, the amount of sugar, or an orange shortage somewhere on Earth, but as far as I knew OJ wouldn’t kill you (although a jury would beg to differ.) But it got me to ruminate about what is good or bad for me.

Consider this my “Breaking up with food” rap. Or my rant about the can’t. Maybe I am not meant to eat. Maybe I’ll become a faster to avoid a disaster or perhaps join the Breatharians.

When I was a kid, I swallowed bobby pins, jacks, celluloid, dirt, paste, and more. Mom gave me a raw egg to make me throw up the bobby pin, but now I am not supposed to have eggs so if it happened today, I would probably

choke to death. Another little girl I knew pulled the snails in her backyard out of their shells and swallowed them whole. And we survived. Why is it so complicated now?

I have some questions. Why isn’t cookie dough high on the raw food list? And who put the WAH in quinoa? The perfect protein is loaded with carbs which I can’t eat anymore. With high cholesterol, higher blood pressure and sugar levels, IBS, and more, there isn’t much that I can ingest let alone digest.

I have some questions.

Why isn’t cookie dough high on the raw food list?

If there’s a new diet, I can’t even try it. Insulin resistant, I need an assistant for buying my food (please make it a dude). High protein used to work wonders for me, but now I can’t eat any dairy or butter (oh gee, there’s ghee!) or cheese because of the fat and cholesterol but an egg is protein so give me one please.

And where’s the gorgonzola and

I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their mustache, and suddenly she is not your friend anymore.

why can’t I have granola? I miss the days when Cheerios and Wheaties were the breakfasts of champions! Now the gluten and GMO Nazis (am I even allowed to speak or politically correctly write this word now that there are so many restrictions about what not only goes IN our mouths, but what comes OUT of them) make me say NO to cereal. I’m just a bowl of confusion.

The folks at the gym told me to eat grains because they’ll help with my veins and work out to be a hottie because I have too much body. I would settle for being a lukie, luke warm at best.

But the doctor says carbs are my worst enemy. Personally I think my doc is. No bread, no roll and it’s taking a toll. No beans, brown rice or anything nice. No cookies or cake and nothing to bake.

My lipid specialist told me to start getting used to my hair falling out from the cholesterol drug and lower my salt intake for my blood pressure. I love salt and it’s not my fault! On a side note, a friend found a hair on her plate while we were dining a few weeks ago. The hostess actually accused me of flipping my hair and teleporting it across the table.

Just what I was dreading, am I already shedding?

Keto, Kato, better off with PlayDoh and a side of paste.

North Beach, South Beach, son of a beach.

Most fruits have too much sugar. Bait and switch to Xylitol which looks and tastes like sugar but can kill a dog yet save my teeth? It makes me bloated, but so does chewing gum, milk, eggplant, and air.

No processed foods for me.

What does that really mean? No alcohol or coffee. I’m going to get mean without my caffeine.

Soy used to be a good sub for animal protein. But now it’s bad, especially for women. Soy or no soy? Is it GMO? Soy NUTS! (Spanish to English mashup: I am LOCO!) Veggies are supposed to be good for me, but carrots and potatoes are not due to the dreaded glycemic index and carb count. Potatoes bad, lettuce good unless it is tainted with ecoli.

(Why do I always think of the Ricola commercial when I hear ECOLI!??)

As a spiritual woman, I know I should be vegan and eat nothing with a face which excludes the human race so I could never be a cannibal, Hannibal, as much as I want to bite someone sometimes when I am sans caffeine. Seriously though, if I chose a purely vegetarian path, I would be pretty much limited to broccoli and kale, sans the mac and cheese. And Atkins is dead, this all hurts my head.

I’m hungry just thinking about all of this, but I can’t make a ham and cheese sandwich. Nix the ham due to the salt, cholesterol, and guilt. Forget the cheese and mayo and toss the bread because of the carbs. And what am I left with? Air, which as mentioned, bloats me and makes me ineligible for my Breatharian membership.

Is fatter badder and does it even matter? Do I really want to be a thin, bald, grouchy, but live old person? Frustration and fear, might as well have a beer. We’re all gonna die, so why even try?

Now when I have a question about my digestion, I’ll make a list, check it twice, pucker up and suck on some ice. It’s probably the only thing I should put in my mouth.

Let’s Go To The Air Show

23

By Jann Gargiulo

Did you know that the Blue Angels are with the NAVY? I didn’t. I guess I just assumed because they demonstrate so much air power that they are with the Air Force. You see, I’m not from the West Coast. On the East Coast, especially where I lived close to D.C., you would be going to see the Thunderbirds! They were created in 1953. Just a few short years after the Air Force in 1947. See, I know these things because my oldest brother, Ray, joined the Air Force in 1951, right after graduating high school.

I was three-years-old, Ruthie was two, and Buddy was just a baby when Ray joined the Air Force. When he left the first time I was crying uncontrollably. My mom told me to calm down. She told me, “He is coming back.” I believed her, so I calmed down.

We all enjoyed our playing and gardening through the summer.

Then the older kids went back to school, and it was just the two of us and mom was pregnant.

So daddy told us to help mom by doing the dishes like the big girls did … only don’t break any.

We did fine and had fun. We had

lunch, took our nap and helped mom after we did our coloring “homework” momma gave us.

It took me a month or so until I realized that I didn’t really miss Ray! He always yelled at us, like he was our dad instead of brother!

(I heard one of the older boys say that.)

They knelt down to our level and with big smiles on their faces they just talked; like we meant something to them!

Mom gave birth to Buddy in November, and shortly after Ray came back home. Mom was right he DID come back! But after the holidays he had to go back to the Air Force. I told him when he left that he would never come back to live. I said, “You’re gonna meet a woman an’ git married, and only come back for a visit,” as I was crying. At least that got me a big hug! And, I was right!

My parents were always looking for inexpensive ways to entertain the 11 of us kids. Daddy

liked taking us places so we could see things other kids saw. We missed so many things because of the money issue. My parents knew and they loved us so much, but sometimes love is not enough.

Sometimes it’s who you know that matters!

Since Ray was in the Air Force, and he could have his family attend the Thunderbirds show … we all got to go. FOR FREE!!!

Now that’s a word my Daddy loved to hear.

What I really liked when we went to see the THUNDERBIRDS was when the men who had been flying came down and talked to us little kids. They knelt down to

our level and with big smiles on their faces they just talked; like we meant something to them!

I’ll never forget that! Now, this was a very long time ago, but I remember someone saying the name Hank. I remember because it was also written on the side of one of the pretty planes.

So to “Hank” and all the other men and now women, thanks for sharing yourselves with the children who come to these shows. It means more to them then you will ever know!

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.

There is a new restaurant called Karma. They don’t have a menu. You get what you deserve.

Answers on page 24

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Foolish Sudoku

Answers from page 23

Foolish Search When Peter retired, he and his young wife left Silicon Valley and moved to Carmel. Once they settled in, they decided it was time to make a will so they contacted a lawyer.

It’s very straightforward,” he instructed the lawyer. “Everything goes to my wife — the house, the cars, the pension, the investments and the life insurance providing she remarries within a year.

“Sounds good to me. But if you don’t mind me asking why the condition?” asked the lawyer.

“It’s very simple. I want at least one person to be sorry I died.”

Answers from page 20

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Your Local Connection to Home-Grown Goods

Best Selection of local wine • Gizdich Pies Daily delivery from local bakeries: Bagel Bakery, Gayle’s & Kelly’s Local organic produce • Grass fed beef Catering from our hot deli and sandwich counter Corned beef and cabbage on St Pat’s Day Best

Butcher Shop

Best Neighborhood Market

And we Deliver!

Charlie says,

Phone 831.375.9581 For more offers visit

www.grovemarketgrocery.com

Expires March 31, 2019

242 Forest Ave, Pacific Grove Open Monday- Saturday 8-7pm Sunday 9-6pm Family owned operated since 1969

“Organic Produce with Harris Ranch Corned Beef.”

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March 1-3

Jazz Bash by the Bay

Enjoy the colorful forms of American classic jazz.

Traditional, ragtime, swing, gypsy, zydeco and blues. Eight venues, seven dance floors. jazzbashmonterey.com

March 1-10

Romeo & Juliet

A bold rendition of love at first site. Offers a completely new look on the subject. mpctheatreco.com

March 6

March 14

Introduced in 1912 as a biscuit, this tiny creamed filled delight is a favorite of milk dunkers. Some consider it a rip off of the Hydrox Cookie that was introduced four years earlier. Better marketing dude!

Organized by physicist Larry Shaw in 1988 at the S.F Exploratorium.

Participants marched around a large circle and consuming fruit pies. Why? Because pie is round and therefore related to PI.

March 7

March 15

National Oreo Day

Teacher’s Night

The reason you teach is to have summers off. Time to get ready for summer. $5 pints with ID. carmelcraft.com

March 2

Is there really a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Maybe the golden color of beer. Celebrate responsibly. St. Pat wouldn’t want it any other way.

March 9

Night Owl-Hoot & Holler

Tall Ships

Our water front will be graced by two tall ships for weekend public sails, boat tours and history programs. historicalseaport.org

This high-flying event features live owls hootin’ about, Hoo-Hoo cocktails, craft beer, savory eats, live music, and prize to the best owl call. pgmuseum.org

March 10

Daylight Saving Time

Does anyone still have a clock they need to manually set to hour ahead? It’s going to be darker in the morning and lighter longer in the day.

A gathering of like minded people. Come see. Come hear.

Come with your songs and be in the moment. westcoastsongwriters.org

Barrel of Laughs

St. Patrick’s Day

Bury your nose in an old favorite or visit a bookstore today.

WC Songwriter Competition

The Real Irish Comedy Fest.

Come get a blast of blarney and Irish laughter. folktalewinery.com

March 17

Read Across America

March 1-17

PI Day

March 21

March 17

Cars in the Park

1976 and earlier foreign and domestic cars & trucks and all modern two door muscle cars. marinarotaryclub.org

March 21

Luz- An Evening of Flamenco

Savannah Fuentes sings and dances her way in to your heart with accompaniment from percussionist Jose Moreno and guitarist Pedro Cortes. pgartcenter.org

March 23-24

CA International Airshow

The Blue Angles are back.

Robosaurus will be eating cars.

Sean Tucker and many others will thrill you in the air and on the ground. salinasairshow.com

March 27th

Twilight Cycle Ride

The first of the year.

Laguna Seca’s 11 turn, 2.238 mile track with the corkscrew drop equivalent to five stories.

Helmet obviously required. weathertechraceway.com

March 28-31

Intercontinental GT Challenge

An eight hour endurance race features GT3 teams from Audi, Bentley, McLaren, Mercedes-Benz AMG, Porsche, Ferrari, Nissan and Honda. weathertechraceway.com

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To Advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038

The Best in

,C sed ons ign R e p urpo m en t s , Vintage & T h rif t !

SPCA’s Annual Share the Love Pet Telethon March 7th on KSBW & Central Coast CBS \\ 6am-8pm All donations go directly to help animals in need. Everything the SPCA does is made possible by donors. We simply can’t help the animals without this support. All donations stay here in Monterey County.

We shelter homeless, neglected and abused pets and livestock. We are the local agency you call to investigate animal cruelty, rescue and rehabilitate injured wildlife, and aid domestic animals in distress.

CONSIGNMENT buy

SPCA Benefit Shop Barnyard Shopping Village 26364 Carmel Rancho Ln. Carmel-By-The-Sea 831.624.4211 spcamc.org

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sell

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Marina 831.384.5313 www.mrwmd.org

Second Chance 105 Central Ave, Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 secondchancepg.org

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