Article by cullen blanchfield

What Keeps Marriages

Together?

M

arriage is a topic that we all come to think about at some point in our lives, whether we are single or in a relationship.

With the popular belief that fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, I wanted to explore what couples view as the key element to keeping the love that brings them to-

gether alive. A marriage is a friendship over everything, so understanding the dynamic of a marriage is a key asset to have in the ever so social world today. Throughout my process of exploring what keeps a marriage together, communications seems vital, with faith being extremely important to many.

By: Cullen Blanchfield

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S

The Pompeiis

am and Truly Pompeii have known each other for a year and a half have been married for three months. They met each other at a wine bar that Sam was working at, but it was Truly’s peculiar order of white burgundy wine which sparked a conversation that would change their lives forever. Sam was interested in Truly for ordering the rare wine, and they got talking about their dogs, and Truly said her dog’s name is Micah. Sam asked why she named him Micah and under her breath Truly said, “Well, that’s my favorite bible verse,”, and at the same time Sam was already quoting it. Not only did faith brought them together through a Micah bible verse, it has continued to tie them together as a couple. When I asked

ìDo Justly, Love Mercy, Walk Humbly.î Micah 6:8 î

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Sam and Truly what they think separates them from other couples, Truly responded by saying, “I don’t think a lot of couples have the same foundation of faith that we have. I think having that foundation and knowing that God loves us more than we love each other is extremely important to our relationship.” When I asked them why they think people should pursue marriage, I received an answer from Sam that stands far off from the rest from Sam. Sam says “I think if you read scripture, the idea of coming together as creations of God and becoming one body together under the love of your creator is something incredibly special. I’m not saying that human beings were put on this earth to get married, but I do believe when two hearts and two bodies that share the love that God sends down for us find each other and come together and make one body, that’s one of the most beautiful things.” So what is it? Faith or communication that is the most pivotal aspect to a lasting marriage?

T

The Hamiltons

for each other. We don’t argue, we debate.” David joined in saying “I think we talk better than a lot of other couples. We don’t take a hard and fast position, we consider all of the positions and come to one agreement on things. We are very open to change.” The topic of communication stands tall from a couple that has been together for 55 years. When I asked them why they believe people should pursue marriage, a very different answer came out of David than Sam had given to that same question. David said, “Well my thought on that is that it’s part of your psychological growth. I think marriage is really necessary because it tends to complete your work in understanding yourself and understanding others. A marriage allows yourself to face problems, solve problems and develop ways of dealing with the world that you can’t get if you’re by yourself trying to resolve your own issues.”

he Hamiltons have been married for 55 years. Judith and Dave met during a very different time period than the one we live in today, “Women went to college to get their MRS degree, in other words, find ourselves a man,” said Judith.

“If you got out of college without a husband your prospects were really bad. It was pretty much the ‘little wifey’ and the man was the dominant one and made the decisions…

Creepy now.” One day Judith tripped and dropped her newly baked pie that ìA marriage allows yourself to face she made for David and he picked it up and said “I know it’s still gonna problems, solve problems and develop taste good.” Judith said, “It was a moways of dealing with the world that you ment in your life when you know there’s someone special to you.” When canít get if youíre by yourself trying to I asked them what separates them from other marriages Judith said: “We resolve your own issues.î don’t bicker. We have a lot of respect

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o represent all sides of love I interviewed Andrew and Kevin Decker, a gay married couple. Having met through a Facebook group that was affiliated through their jobs at Apple, the initial motive for talking was not for intimacy. A little while after Kevin messaged Andrew on Facebook, he was immediately intrigued

by Andrew’s interest in a peculiar group of TV shows. Kevin said, “And then I found out that he knew every episode of Star Trek The Next Generation, Voyager, and Deep Space 9 by title...I thought he would be an interesting person to meet.” Andrew and Kevin have clicked since that first Facebook message conversation. Something that really separates them from other couples is the amount of commitment they had before their wedding. They were together for seven years and were living together much of that time. Andrew and Kevin have distinctly contrasting personalities and think very differently, but they have commonality. They learned how to live together and work together as a team, despite their large differences. Kevin says: “Different perspectives are what shape our marriage. It helps us grow as people.”

They balance each other out in a very loving way. Andrew said, “Before I met Kevin I actually thought I wanted to be with someone that was completely like me. You don’t want someone with all the same weaknesses and strengths as you. You don’t balance each other out and you can eas

So, what does all of this

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The Deckers

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ily butt heads with your strengths.” Together, they create a unit. Standing side by side in love, Andrew and Kevin agree that communication is a crucial aspect to their relationship. Andrew says: “I think as a subset of communication, being vulnerable and realizing that you don’t have all the answers is just as important. Everything you’ve learned in your life is through your own experience. Marriage is all about seeing through someone else’s eyes.” Lastly, Kevin said something vitally important towards the end of the interview when I asked him how he felt about CNN having “Watching your waistline” in the top 9 aspects to a good marriage. He said: “Waist size. Mine has gotten bigger and mine’s gotten smaller. The Chiweenie has gotten fatter over the years and has gotten skinnier. Do you think we love our dog any less? That makes no sense whatsoever.”

Mean?

ell, it’s actually quite simple. A marriage is a team, and over everything a friendship. A great deal of respect for each partner needs to be present in order for the unit to work together. Research upon research regarding communication’s vital role in marriage was confirmed in this project.

Now, what about faith? Faith has proven to be the groundwork for more than half of the relationships I interviewed, and millions across the world. Faith brings the concept that there is more than just your issues in the world, that there is a greater power. That greater power ties the couple together through his unconditional love. While communication, faith, and friendship are key elements in many marriages, lasting marriage also relies on small things.. Traveling is a small aspect to a marriage, but it pays large dividends. Traveling came up at different times during my interviews with couples saying that traveling creates a closer bond between them through being together in a new place, and meeting new people together. According to Gary Chapman and his book “The Five Languages of Love”, couples must learn to speak each other’s love language and work coherently together. For a highly difficult situation to maintain, we can simplify it down to the basics. Simplicity is key for a marriage. Chapman claims one common reason for divorce is not having the ability to “Recognize the in-love experience for what it was-a temporary emo-

tional high- and now pursue ‘real love’ with our spouse. That kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion.” (Chapman, 53). Love each other in the manner you would love your dog, if they have an accident on the carpet a couple times, you don’t give up on them. If they take a long time to learn how to sit or lay down, that doesn’t mean you send them away. When they gain a few pounds, do you love them any less?

The answer is no. Love manifests in the relationship with a dog, believe it or not. As Gary Chapman says, “Love is the most important word in the english language” (Chapman, 18).

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Works Cited Chapman, Gary D. The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Chicago: Northfield Pub., 1995. Print.

Decker, Andrew, and Kevin Decker. ì Deckers Interview.î Personal interview. 6 Mar. 2016.

Hamilton, Judith, and David Hamilton. ì Hamiltonís Interview.î Personal interview. 29 Feb. 2016.

Pompeii, Sam, and Truly Pompeii. ì Sam and Truly Pompeii In terview.î Personal interview. 21 Feb. 2016.

Schaefer, Laura. ì10 Things Th at Keep Couples In Love.î Match. com. Match.com, 2011. Web. 22 Apr. 2016. <http://www. match.com/magazine/article/13336/10-Things-That- Keep-Couples-In-Love/>.

Stinchfield, Kate. ì9 Ways to K eep Your Marriage Healthy.î CNN. Cable News Network, 25 June 2009. Web. 22 Apr. 2016.

Copyright © 2015 Cullen Blanchfield.