Relentless to Grow Cara and I walked nervously along an unfamiliar hallway, lit by fluorescent lights. High-pitched beeping noises and long names of medicines filled my ears as serious and stressed-looking doctors and nurses marched around with computers on wheels. As we continued down the long, extremely sterile hallway, my curiosity got the best of me as I glimpsed helpless people lying in their flimsy hospital beds. I gave a nervous smile to my little sister as we approached the last door at the end of the hallway, where we each coated our hands with hand sanitizer and opened the door, entering into a new chapter in our lives. Most kids dream of being left alone for days on end by their parents, so they can have parties, eat endless amounts of sweets, stay up too late, and be, what a parent might consider, irresponsible. But it’s different when your mom is in the hospital. Just a couple of months earlier I sat in my mom’s room with my two sisters when she told us she had breast cancer..
It is devastating to know that all too many families will probably have some type of encounter with cancer, whether it be themselves, a cousin, an aunt, a neighbor, a sister, or a mom, etc. Specifically considering breast cancer, according to breastcancer.org, about 1 in 8 women (12%) will develop invasive breast cancer in their lifetime (Information and Resources). After I started having discussions with people about my mom having breast cancer, many of them would often say that they had an aunt, a friend, a neighbor, or even they themselves who had gone through breast cancer. It is unfortunately too common, although at the same time because it is the #1 most diagnosed type of cancer (Information and Resources), there have been strong developments in medicines and treatments that have allowed almost half of the people diagnosed to survive (Cancer Statistics). It is unsettling to assume that my reader might have an interaction with cancer, but if you do, it is to your best advantage to consider my mom’s story-- not just her diagnosis and treatment, more importantly, her outlook and how that helped heal her. Often times, people describe cancer as a battle to win, something to fight, or some kind of war, a perspective which overlooks people who are less warrior-like in their approach to cancer treatment and more open to seeing the process as an opportunity for personal growth. Although my mom has to defend her life, she has
a beatuiful and inspiring outlook on her journey. There we were, my sisters and I sitting on the floor in my mom’s room when she told us she had breast cancer. She waited to tell us until after she knew an overview of the plan her medical team made for her, where she finished with she was going to be “okay”. Just weeks before, she went into the doctor’s office for her annual mammogram where doctors found a tumor spanning along both her breasts. She was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. Before I knew it, our front doorstep started to have piles and piles of packages from friends and family from all over the US sending my mom robes, flowers, GrubHub gift cards, and nice notes of support. There was a lot of preparing and planning necessary before her big surgery; the biggest part was understanding our mom’s plan and what her big surgery entailed. I learned the intense intricacy that goes into a double mastectomy and reconstruction. When faced with scary situations like this, we as humans tend to initially react with fear, and when we are afraid our bodies go into “fight or flight” mode, where we lose almost all sense of reason and are programmed to stay alive. Our initial feeling of fear should not be invalidated, rather, it should be acknowledged but not the fundamental way we react to scary situations. Observing my mom, I can surely label her as the strongest woman I know. Going through cancer while supporting a family, of course, makes her extremely strong, but what makes her even more so is not letting the fear we were all feeling take over her life. When people talk about cancer, it is
“She was diagnosed with srage 2 breast cancer”
all too common for them to use unattractive words alongside it, like: battle, fight, beat, and war. It is true that those with cancer are in a position in which they need to defend their life, but using the words above encourages the feeling of fear, and that this scary thing holds no potential to change a person’s life in a positive way. Even without discussing it, my family and friends have continually called my mom’s cancer diagnosis a “journey”. couraged to anyone going through something scary like this. My mom thinks back to her first memory after her first surgery, “I do remember when I first woke up, my head tossing side to side, and someone [a nurse] said ‘she’s in pain”’. She continues, “I remember… very little because it was a 13-hour surgery. It was a double mastectomy and reconstruction in the same surgery, and it went very long… I remember later waking up in my room, buried under lots of blankets and machines that [were] meant to keep me warm and help my healing and so on. And then I was in the hospi-
for five nights”. The first month that my mom was home was extremely difficult. She needed help in genuinely every aspect a person can think of. Since I am also a student with a busy schedule, I found the help from my grandparents to be a blessing. My grandpa, a former Dean of Stanford Medicine, has a unique perspective as both a doctor and a dad. Upon talking to him, he said, “When you’re the father of a young woman who has breast cancer, all the objectivity goes out the window. You know, I’m sorry, it’s my daughter, and that completely throws upside-down all of the rules of the world. Children are not supposed to die before their parents do. Children are not supposed to get life-threatening illnesses before their parents do. It’s supposed to be the other way around. And it’s a feeling of helplessness. It’s not that I am helpless; it’s the feeling of helplessness”. ily. More notes and packages came flooding to our doorstep throughout the weeks, and I credit my calmness and connectedness during a very hectic period to the kindness and support of others. Maybe it is the hope for the best, and not accepting anything else other than positivity that saves us from that feeling of helplessness. I read the book When Breath Becomes Air by Dr. Paul Kalanithi, who died of cancer just as he was finishing his studies to be a doctor. Kalanithi reflects, “Doctors, it turns out, need hope, too” (Becomes Air). Eugene Bauer, my grandpa who has dedicated his life to studying medicine and education and who has been conditioned to deliver bad news and deal with patients in
mortifying situations, has been trained not to attach emotion to his work as a doctor. Since it was his own daughter going through cancer this time, he had to confront how necessary hope is in situations where we ourselves cannot help. Maybe that sense of hope is a way out of feeling helpless. In fact, a compilation of studies on the connection between optimism and physical health says, “Optimism also predicted less disruption of normal life, distress, and fatigue in one study of women who were undergoing painful treatment for breast cancer”, and it went on to say, “Optimists also tend to accept the reality of difficult situations while also framing them in the best possible light”. Her outlook is not only comforting for her family and friends, but it is evidently a huge factor on her life and healing after surgery. The validity of her morals are justified by the genuine research that shows the effects of a positive mind.
“Children are not supposed to get lifethreatening illnesses before their parents do.”
One day, I came home from school and she was feeling and looking particularly not well. She had had a fever all day, so after a couple of calls to her nurses and doctors, we were encouraged to go to the emergency room. It was good that we took her back, because she had a major infection and needed to be treated right away. This time, she ended up having to stay at the hospital for twice as long as her initial stay. We learned she had a bacteria that was antibiotic resistant. Because of this, she had to go into isolation, where if we wanted to visit her we would have to scrub up and and go into her own, particularly monitored and clean room. My mom said, “The infection scares me because I feel out of control, I don’t know if it’s gone, I hope that we can get rid of it,
I feel very drained and so tired, and I haven’t felt well since it developed” (C Bauer). This was the first time when I really saw my mom’s outlook being tested from her sickness. Her generally positive outlook, although strong, would sometimes falter. The infection she had scared me too, to see the life and sometimes even the will to go on drain from my mother was terrifying. After being monitored 24/7 by a whole team, after a surgery and many needles and IV’s later, my mom returned home. She began to steadily heal, and continued to listen to her body when she needed a break. Everyday, through her love, friendliness, and optimism my mom preached that being diagnosed with cancer is not a death sentence, instead it can bring a whole new value to a person’s life. So why would we want to encourage talking about it as a war or battle? It is a journey that has shown us how our friends and family and community can really show up and help, and it has shown us how valuable life is.
At the beginning of May 2019 my mom was cleared to go back to work. This was a big step, as for nearly 7 months she was being treated for her cancer. At this point, she could drive her car somewhat comfortably, take a shower, get out of bed on her own, and hold her own bags among other small accomplishments. She will soon be scheduling smaller “touch up” surgeries for the “aesthetics” of the areas that were affected by her bigger surgery. It makes me happy to have my mom ask me to go on evening walks again, when before she could barely walk down the hall. It makes me happy to know she has a sufficient amount of energy to go throughout her day. Although her cancer diagnosis was scary, it makes me the most happy to know that because of it, she has a new outlook on the value of her life, and that she, along with the rest of my family, has secured a strong, positive mindset that can endure difficult situations.
We all know life is fragile and valuable. But to actually value life? That is something some people never get the reality check to understand. Something that has stayed the same is the fact that I have always loved my mom and have known that she is strong. Being so close to someone who’s life was in danger, I have seen and taken after my mom who has changed in her morals and values. What matters is to simply live and show love and be loved. When reflecting on her experience, my mom said, “On the whole, having cancer, for me, has felt like part of my plan”. Cancer cells
split and divide and grow at exponential rates, but with my mom, the cancer was not the only thing determined to grow. She showed determination to not be broken down from her treatment, but rather to grow and learn from it. We have to endure what life throws at us, and after this, I am confident my mom and our family can get through anything.
“Having cancer has felt like part of my plan”
t
QR code to my documentary animation!
Ab ou t
r o h t the Au
Ilsa is an animaiton student at Freestyle Academy. She has shown interest in the arts throughout her whole life, which made her enthusiastic about the Freestyle program, Throught her highschool carrear, she has created a series of paintings which encouraged her to choose the animation elective when applying to Freestyle. She is passionate about working with colors, shapes, and anything her imagination can make up. In her first year at Freestyle she has become extremly inspred by her peers who have immense creative talent, and she is extremely thankful for the guidance and lessons she
recieves from her Freestyle teachers. This documentary progect was Ilsa’s favorite throughout the entire year. Although it was the msot difficult and time consuming, she also was happy to be able to exemplify all of her talents. In her animation production, she wrote and recorded on guitar the “background” music. She conducted her interviews and edited the audio so that it would tell a story. In addition to this, she drew each frame of her animation, and compiled everything in Adobe After Effects. She is extremely proud of the results of her documentary.