Acceptance, Love, Growth by Katia Kiefaber
Lounging in a cushioned lawn chair amongst a large pool and a colorful garden, the sun warming my body, I listen to a middle-aged woman talk about love and acceptance. Her blond hair and tan skin glow in the sun. While talking to me, a smile never leaves her face. When she feels particularly passionate about a topic, her eyes squeeze shut tightly, as if she’s trying to fully experience every ounce of happiness. The rhythm of the rise and fall of her voice as her sentences flow together soothes me. Right as I feel I’m fallen into her trance, a tall teenage boy comes up from behind her. He toes slightly towards her with a sneaky smile on his face and
his pointer finger to his lips, mouthing “Shh”. As she starts explaining acceptance in church, the boy delicately puts his hand over her eyes, waiting for her to guess who. Her first instinct is to hug him from behind and feel what he’s wearing. “They’re wearing a baseball cap!” she deduces excitedly, “That means it’s either C.J. or Cam.” She pauses a moment, thinking, then decides, “I think it’s Cam!” Of course, she’s right. He smiles and comes around to pull her into a tight hug, as is the custom when anyone comes to greet her. She is Carol Damonte, youth and choir director at Los Altos United Methodist Church, and as anyone would be able to tell upon meeting
her, she’s a hug addict. She hugs her church kids, she hugs the parents of the church kids, she hugs friends of the church kids, she hugs essentially everyone, regardless if she knows them or not. Hugging is just her natural way of expressing her love for people. And boy does she have overflowing amounts of love for people. LAUMC is a reconciling church, meaning they accept everyone, regardless of sexual identity or gender identity, in addition to economic status, gender identity, age, disabilities, and whatever other problems churches might find with people. Point is: they accept all. A church as unique as this calls for equally unique church directors.
That’s where Carol comes in. Her welcoming manner and infectious love for all around her, especially her church kids, makes it obvious that she really does accept everyone exactly as they are. This message seems to rub off on everyone around her and creates a loving church community that fosters significant spiritual and personal growth. LAUMC wasn’t as progressive of a church when Carol first started working there. Carol grew up in Oregon where “church was all [her] extracurriculars.” When she came out to California with her husband, Dirk, after college, LAUMC was the first church she came to. Dirk got a job with the children’s choir and Carol had a job teaching piano lessons. Although the two questioned whether their positions at this church were right for them, 30 years later, both Carol and Dirk now work together as youth and choir directors and love their jobs. Around 8 years ago LAUMC considered becoming a reconciling church. The movement started in 1978, when a Presbyterian church in Boston created the More Light Program “adopting a statement affirming les- bians and gay men and inviting their full participation in the life of the local
church is adapted for United Methodist congregations” (Reconciling Ministries Network). This movement grew throughout the United States and then Carol and other church members started pushing
to be people of inclusion. Even if sometimes things aren’t comfortable, you need to learn to become comfortable if it’s about inclusion.” Inclusion is indeed a strong message in the church and one that I
for their church to be a reconciling church. Carol tells me it was a tough transition, saying, “We took it really slowly. It was a matter of about two years of talking and trying to make sure that everybody felt their voice was heard, especially those who were afraid to change from the old way.” However, Carol and many other church members really pushed for this change, believing firmly that acceptance was what God calls us to do, to create a stronger community in the church. Carol explains, “Anyone in every community always benefits from accepting more, because that’s what we’re called to be. Especially people of faith, we’re called
noticed right away when I joined the choir and met Carol a year ago. Singing was still a new and scary world to me, but I thought a church choir might be a fun way to test it out. I emailed Carol a simple “Hi, my name is Katia Kiefaber, how would I go about joining the choir?” and was staggered by the response she gave me. Most adults are straightforward and fill the page with overwhelming big-worded formalness. Not Carol. I believe her first sentence was “This is so exciting, we’d love to have a new member of the choir!!!!” complete with four more exclamation points than I’ve ever seen an adult use. That first sentence instantly made me feel welcomed and the rest of the email convinced me that I definitely wanted to try out the choir. When I came to the choir practice the first time, my nerves returned. I didn’t know anyone in the choir. I didn’t know how to sing. But Car-
ol’s email kept my hesitant feet walking towards the choir door. I stepped inside and looked around nervously at all the unfamiliar faces until I settled on the one face that was completely familiar to me, despite the fact that I’d never met her before. Carol rushed up to me and gave me a huge hug, repeating “I’m so excited you’re here”. I felt immediately accepted and loved by her. That love initially gave me the strength to go to the slightly intimi-
from a struggle she’s having in her life. The compassion of people in the group seems to be inspired by Carol and creates a lively but safe space where anyone can be their weird crazy self and be loved for it. When I see how wonderfully Carol runs this youth group, I begin to wonder why so many churches are rejecting this idea of acceptance. According to the 2011 Australian census, 40 percent of same-sex couples in the world are Christian. This is fairly close to the 60 percent of opposite-sex couples who consider themselves Christian. (Wilkins) Another survey said that ~Carol Damonte 50 percent dating choir practices. Now, as I’m of Christians accept homosexualmore comfortable in the choir, her ity, but only around 10 percent of never ending love gets me through churches outwardly acknowledge hard days when school feels like a stressful, lonely place. This is my personal story, but I’d venture to say everyone in the choir has their own story of how included they felt by Carol. Looking at the way that the choir and youth groups interact, it’s obvious that her message of inclusion and acceptance is working some sort of special magic. Choir practices are filled with constant chatter, friends goofing around, plenty of silly dance moves, and of course the beautiful harmony of voices. But then there are the serious moments of prayer when all who were goofing around become silent and respectful, holding the hand of a nearby friend who’s crying
“Anyone in every community always benefits from accepting more, because that’s what we’re called to be. ”
40% of same-sex couples are Christian 50% of Christians accept homosexuality, yet... Only 10% churches outwardly accept homosexuality that they accept homosexuality (“2009 Affirming Church Survey”). If homosexuality in Christianity and acceptance of this homosexuality is that prevalent, why isn’t the percent of reconciling churches higher? Of course there is the standard issue that some churches believe that homosexuality is a sin. However Catholic Bishop Bruce J. Simpson firmly disagrees with this, bluntly stating, “As prejudices changed, so has the biblical translation. If homosexuality were such a sin, does it not make sense that Jesus would have talked about it at least once?” (“Christians Should Accept Homosexuality”) Reverend Carolyn Francis also discusses the issue of church acceptance. She disagrees with the idea that homosexuality is a sin that takes away your Christianity if indulged in. She says, “The reality is that people don’t lose any of their yearning for spirituality when they grapple with their sexuality. In fact, probably the opposite is true” (qtd. in Wilkins). The reality is that ac-
cepting LGBTQ persons is an of churches that aren’t progres- felt that the church wasn’t a place unavoidable issue for churches. sive that are lively. Some people where they were included, you know LAUMC has bravely become one at this point need that, they need a what I’d tell them? I’d point them of the small percentage of recon- structured church where you have right in the direction of your church. ciling churches. LAUMC will also to do x, y and z to get to heaven, This church has an energy I’ve rarely marry gay couples, despite Meth- and that’s okay.” She laughs and seen anywhere else.” As the congreodist Churches nationwide rulgation responded with loud aping that they won’t recognize plause, it struck me how right gay marriage. The trend shows he was. Thanks to the continthat churches are becoming ual message of inclusion from more inclusive, but there’s still the church, we’re an incredibly much progress to be made. passionate and spirited bunch Carol acknowledges that -Rev. Kirk Byron Jones of believers. LAUMC has even though LAUMC is so procreated a community where gressive, she understands church- adds, “See, I’m accepting of all.” it seems easy for everyone to find es’ reasons for not being acceptAs I write this paper, I think of a their connection to God, whether ing. She explains, “I’ve definitely comment a guest pastor gave about old or young. And if the youth are seen our church progress, which LAUMC recently. He said, “If I ever the future of the church, then with is awesome. That’s why is has so met someone on the street who felt Carol’s loving and supportive demuch life. However, there are lots a disconnect from the church, who meanor, the future is indeed bright.
“This church has an energy I’ve rarely seen anywhere else.”