The Front Page 11/18/2014

Turkey Tuesday November 18, 2014

Volume 100000, Issue 987898778

Hug therapist makes his way around the parking lot; making sure you are having a good day is his priority.

In this edition...

Yo Momma Page 2

Turkey Runs Away from Safeway Page 5

Smile

Huh?

Page 5

Page 7

The Front Page

Page 2

Reducing College Costs

November 18, 2014

Written by Gene Andrews With college costs ever increasing and students along with parents not being able to cover expenses, Front Range Community College has decided to take an alternative route to cost cutting. Starting in the spring, the school’s board will institute a new set of policies.

As it stands now, a full time student will spend roughly $8,000 for two years of school, PLUS book costs at Front Range. When told this, ‘Freckle’ Frank, a kid in my Art class cried. Not a single tear, but a long drawn out, snot running, mumbling, heaving cry.

From here on out, the campus will not be as concerned about “safety and cleanliness”. According to campus security, “The only crime around here is the fashion, I mean, have you seen how these kids dress?” The next big

step will be “Charging the kids only for what they learn”. Students at Front Range are notorious for their lack of effort and learning capabilities. The advising department tends to agree, “Them kids ain’t learnin’ nuthin’ anyhows. Why should we charge them for just showin’ up?” Another thought is to simply combine classes together to save of space costs. For instance, students won’t be taking a boring old math class, now students will be solving algebra while figuring graphs all while participating in interpretive dance. Another example is combining accounting classes with physical education electives. According to the board member that suggested this, “We’re just preparing these kids for their future. You think tax season is tough, try doing that while Billy slams a shuttlecock at your head”.

Along these lines, there is definitely interest in Front Range combining programs as well as classes.

Just think, if you can’t find a job when you graduate anyway, why not be able to get rejected from an entirely different field. For instance, starting this spring, the automotive department will be meshed with the interior design department. “Of course we know these are complete opposites” says one college expert “but c’mon, just think how streamlined the unemployment office will be once they stop trying to find you an ‘exact’ job”.

The school is also looking into ways for the student to save money themselves, taking some of the burden off the campus. For starters, the school is suggesting a “buddy program”.

“Since most kids only come to class half the time” according to a local

politician who never lies “why not let them team up and earn a half-degree.

Spend half the time in class; spend the other half perfecting their Frisbee sack skills”. The school is also encouraging parents to get involved. The financial aid department is sending out letters to parents this week asking that “they spend that $612 they were able save up over the years all at once rather than spreading it out over the next two years”.

One thing is for certain, in these tough times the last thing the school is willing to do is simply lower tuition. “We simply cannot do that at this point, we have standards we have to live by, what are we, college students?”

Upcoming Events Written by Eustace McGonickelly Friday, November 28th – This

past assignments, go down a hall and

holiday season, keep up with the

throw them in the air like they just

latest health-conscious trends

don’t care,” Someone said. Students

while you’re out doing your major

who do care are invited to collect

holiday shopping. Hazmat suits

the falling papers, make a book, or

will be available on Black Friday

make holiday ornaments, presents

at recording-breaking prices for all

and decorations out of the papers

major retail locations. Choose from

harboring hallways to give to charity.

red, orange, yellow, green, blue,

Contact Stewdint Lieph for more

purple, or rainbow as well as prints

information.

in zebra, military, polka-dot, tie-dye and more to fit your fashion-forward

Friday, December 26th – Santa

needs. No one wants little Johnny to

Clause is coming to town… though

contract Ebola this holiday season,

he may be a day late. North Pole

so make sure he’s protected. Visit

Toy Maker in Charge, Sir Elfish

the Internet for more information on

Presently, broke his funny bone and

where you can spend.

can no longer accommodate for any of Clause’s Christmas gag gifts. Mr.

Monday, December 15th –

Clause is working overtime and is

Friday, December 20th – Final

hiring candidates who can find his

Finals Week! Students are urged

secret hideaway. If you know where

to attend classes fully aware and

good old St. Nicholas resides, contact

prepared. A school will be offering

him for more information on how

one free snack for all students at

you may help.

any food venue on campus to help with hunger issues that go along with PCS (Poor-College-Student) Syndrome. At the end of the day, students are encouraged to “bring

Marta Bloomenburgski, FRCC medical student, aspires to be a surgeon, begins to practice her craft.

November 18, 2014

The Front Page

Carpet Exchanges Finally Coming to Westminster

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Written by Koa Avery There’s a brand new club coming to the Westminster campus in the spring, and it’s shaping up to be one fantastic ride. The Magic Carpet Marketplace (MCM), a club founded by recently returned student John Doe, is looking to provide a venue for the trading of new and used magic carpets. “It’s an incredibly exciting adventure,” Doe said. “I returned from a life changing 19 year adventure around the internet that led me to some of the most remote places on the planet. Fargo, Boise, London, though only briefly for about the download of two pictures, a random spattering around the Middle East, and of course the moon.”

Doe didn’t actually go anywhere, but instead sought to expand his complete lack of existential knowledge by spending nearly the last two decades carousing around the web in an attempt to better himself. “It was

incredible. Almost incredible as how large my internet bill was each month in the early days of dial up service,” Smith mused.

During the traverse across pictures and Wikipedia entires covering the Middle East, Doe would stumble upon a “veritable gold mine.” Coming across an obscure documentary of what appears to be any one of the Persian empire dynasties, Doe would find the touchstone for the vision of his future, his Magic Carpet Marketplace. That documentary? Disney’s “Aladdin”.

“I always knew I wanted to do something new and different, and now I’ve found it. While the documentary ignored the potential business side of magic carpet dealership, it did provide an incredibly in depth look at the possibilities available for magic carpets,” Doe said. As returning to school at Westminster was always in

the back of his mind, Doe decided to combine the two ventures by again enrolling at Westminster, to study business, and also starting the MCM. “I hope that one day the campus can offer a combined program in business and magic carpet studies,” Doe explained. Currently, no FRCC campus offers, nor knows anything about, magic carpets. “I love an unrealistic challenge,” Doe said.

What the MCM will offer is an exchanged based arena for the trading of both the latest and greatest in the world of flying pieces of yarn, but also the more legacy products.

Traditionally, as verified by nobody in recorded history to this point except Doe, magic carpets have been constructed of scratchy wool that provides stability and durability up to about 15,000 feet of altitude during flight. What older models sacrificed

is agility and longevity as the wool in use was heavy and dense, freezing easily in colder temperatures. Newer models have benefitted from absolutely no research and development for their construction, but do come in a vastly expanded array of colors and frills. “I mean, you’re flying. Is comfort really what you’re going for,” Doe asked rhetorically and ridiculously.

Exchanges will begin at some date during the semester once Doe can establish a reliable source for regularly supplying new products. “I’ve encountered some issues with logistics as the primary supplier I was looking to use has no real name or address. But I’m confident to get it all sorted out,” Doe said. Product testing will not be available and all trades are final.

you, the student, should be picked for this opportunity, in bullet form. Also included should be why both Taylor Swift and One Direction are better than

any of the old Rock and Roll bands.

Best of luck to all the students who enter this contest and best of luck to Mr. Gomez in his search for the

winning student.

Surprise Concert to Play Front Range Written by Gene Andrews In an unprecedented move, music superstars One Direction and Taylor Swift will be performing a free concert for students of Front Range Community College over the winter break. There is a catch to this offer however. The location, date and time will not be released until a later date.

And students have to qualify for this once in a lifetime opportunity.

Students have to enter a contest by writing an essay stating why they are the most deserving. Students can enter this contest by carrier pigeon only.

For more information on the details as to how your carrier pigeon can locate English and Communication Department Chair, Mr. Tino Gomez, please fax your request to 555-4040411.

Students can, and are encouraged to enter up to ten times.

“This is such an amazing opportunity for those lucky students; we want them to contact me with multiple entries for this contest. I really enjoy reading when students write about their favorite pop-culture icons. It truly makes my day” said Mr. Gomez.

Essays must be at least 100 words, contain a list of reasons why

The stage is set for the free winter break concert.

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The Front Page

November, 18 2014

October 21, 2014

The Front Page

Front Range to Instill New Dress Code

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Written by Gene Andrews Starting in the spring semester of 2015 students will have to follow a strict new dress code being put in place by the administration. Students will no longer be allowed to wear yoga pants, stretch pants, and tights, sweat pants, flip flops or gym shorts. In an effort to “professionalize” the student body, and prepare students for a future which entails putting on clothes for a job that didn’t just come out of the hamper or a gym bag, the administration will put into place a strict set of guidelines students must follow.

One administrator said, “I know these students sleep in their clothes, but we can’t have people thinking that the students sleep in their clothes. It’s all about the image we put out. We’re the Wolves, not the dang ‘ol Bed Heads”. Speaking under the condition of anonymity, another administrator had this to say, “I know you think those gym pants are comfortable and convenient. I bet you think your pants say ‘yoga’ but all that jiggle says fast food.”

So, starting in the spring, students will be required to “dress appropriately”, but wearing a collared shirt, dress pants or skirts and closed toe shoes. First time offenders to the new dress code will be sent home for the day. Second time offenders will be automatically enrolled into “Miss Manners” classes and third time offenders will be expelled from Front Range.

It goes without saying, students are furious over this decision. Many students voiced their opinion to me.

Doug* (names have been changed)

said, “It’s like they’re taking away the constitution and stuff. I know they can’t do that cause I showed up to a class one time and that’s what the teacher said.”

Indeed Doug, indeed. Heather* said, “I

know I don’t really go to the gym, but I like people to think I do. Once they take that away, what am I going to do?

Actually go to the gym?”

Of course, students always

have the option to get ahead of this issue by simply running a hot rock over their clothes and maybe running a fork through their hair.

FRCC takes serious stance on inclusive hiring practices; Frank Stein lands his dream job as department chair.

Millions Mysteriously Vanish: Nicholas B. Morris, Only Journalism Teacher on Earth Written by Eustace McGonickelly Millions of possible Journalism teachers mysteriously vanished in the fall of 2014 around the globe. A recent study done by the Board of Journalism Experts on How Effective Journalism Classes are in American Colleges found that the only professional Journalism teacher on the planet Earth was Professor Nicholas B. Morris.

So what happened to the rest of

the promising Journalism teachers of the world, you might be asking?

A previous Journalism 501 student, Lucy McAllister, reported, “Mr. Morris’ Journalism class was a very enlightening experience; however looking back on it, the man seemed very full of himself, boasting that he was the only Journalism teacher at this school.” Another student belonging

to one of his English classes explained that he “would often talk about Journalism topics with [students in class]; he always encouraged students to take his Journalism class and would always promote the school newspaper and his ‘free after school seminars.’

He definitely seemed suspiciously dedicated to any type of Journalism happenings on school campus.”

Does Professor Morris know what happened to the many outstanding Journalism professionals that probably existed earlier this year? Morris would not give his thoughts on why he may be the only Journalism teacher left, though he did say to find his answer students should “just take [his] class; maybe you’ll figure out the real reason.”

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The Front Page

October 21, 2014

Duplicating the Duplication Written by Koa Avery The Westminster campus is pleased to announce a new department being introduced to the school in the coming weeks. The Excessive Duplication of Student Documentation department is aiming to further convolute the sometimes already completely unnecessarily complex paperwork that goes along with student enrollment here at FRCC. Sebastian, the recently appointed department head, brings with him a wealth of experience in further complicating matters having previously worked for the Justice Department. “I am truly excited and enthusiastic about bringing the completely useless layers of bureaucracy I developed while working for the government here to FRCC Westminster,” Sebastian said from an undisclosed location.

Initially proposed by a bipartisan piece of legislation that

ultimately swept unanimously through both Houses of Congress, with a rubber stamp stop on the President’s desk, S1234’s stated goal is “to provide the community college students of our nation with a dramatically increased number of layers of useless work to go through before they are enrolled in their school of choice.” The bill’s sponsors, every politician looking to obscure the facts of their job in order to maintain their cushy status quo, spoke glowingly of the legislation’s significantly increased job security for them and their peers. “What this piece of legislation allows for, long term, is for us to continue to discourage the citizens of our great national private interest oligopoly from truly understanding what it is we do, and how little we actually have to work, by denying them access to the

critical thinking skills and rubric of information taught in the community college systems around the country,” the homogenous and utterly superficial political representative said.

The impetus for the bill began 38 years ago when a small study leaked out from an as yet still unknown government agency that concluded with a simple statement, “Shockingly, it has been found that, across every level of schooling available, increased studying and instruction on usage of the material being studied (by teachers), leads to an increasingly aware and active citizenry.

This must be halted.”

While the ensuing maelstrom of completely innocuous governmental activity designed to keep tabs on this ground breaking piece of discovery, this is about where the NSA began its spying on Americans, went about

completely noticed, a true attempt at a nail in the coffin of preventing anyone not running in the right circles from infiltrating the highest levels of government would take nearly four decades to come to fruition.

“What this means for the everyday experience of students,” Sebastian would explain, “is a dramatically increased frustration in dealing with their school’s administration, as well as a significantly reduced availability of classes and instructors as prospective students become incredulous at the process leading to decreased enrollment and thus a drop in funding.”

“It truly is a paradigm changing time for the haves of this great social stratification experiment we call a nation,” Sebastian would conclude.

FRCC student Hilda Flamiinkoski, is deeply satisfied knowing that all the DSM-5s are safely in her lair. (see below)

Girl craves metal...too hardcore.

(see above)

October 21, 2014

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The Front Page

Promoting Equality in Shampoo Advertising Written by Koa Avery The Journal of Follically Challenged Men, a bi-monthly publication and multiple Pulitzer Forgot-ten Honorable Mention nominee, has recently embarked on a campaign to raise awareness for the massive gap in shampoo advertising equality. “We are simply striving for equal access to the marketing exposure of our fullheaded counter parts,” said Hal AllensIngenthrone-Ringwald-LeventhallEllis-Stover-Smith, co-creator of the journal with Brandt ArmandhammerLexington-Danby-Nelson-EllsworthSappington-Smith, no relation, and long time advocate for parity in hair care product marketing. “We feel like we are being vastly underserved.”

H.AIRLESS and B.ALDNESS, as they like to be called, founded the journal in 1998. Boasting a readership of eight, the journal was originally envisioned as a channel for the bald or balding, colloquially speaking, to follow the cutting edge research

and development of the hair care industry, as well as the regular “How To” column, a section not usually featured in a journal of such completely absent notoriety. “We were pursuing a vision to stay current on the science and practicality of that American of traditions, shampooing your hair,” H.AIRLESS said. “I never imagined we would expand beyond that wildly successful flyer sent out all those years ago.”

That expansion has recently seen the incredibly not well known journal go from a one-page flyer reviewed and certified by absolutely nobody in the industry, to a two page pamphlet complete with it’s first fully spell checked article. Man hours for the publication have increased from roughly an hour and fifteen minutes a month in the early going days of underground cash strapped irrelevance to an astonishing hour and a half. “We’re now even looking

to move beyond the black and white disposable camera stills we’ve used since the beginning to something a little more modern. We’re thinking of investing heavily in a Pollaroid. These are some incredibly ex-citing times,” B.ALDNESS said.

The completely non-existent fame and fortune all began in the summer of that same year while the two long time friends enjoyed a Sunday afternoon engrossed in another completely American of traditions, hopscotch. “It was an intense game that day. The sun was out in full glory and I would occasionally get bothered by a wayward sweat bead cascading down my fore-head. I remarked to B.ALDNESS at one point that I was really looking forward to a cold drink and nice shampoo of my head when we were finished,” H.AIRLESS said.

That happenstance comment would spark a lengthy 12 minute debate over how difficult it was to find good

infor-mation on quality shampoos targeted at men who, by no fault of their own, simply weren’t gifted with flowing locks. “Why should we be underserved, or forgotten? I didn’t choose a lack of hair, but I still love a strong and lathery shampoo. It’s like a throwback to the good old days,” B.ALDNESS said.

All of this has led up to the recently launched awareness campaign.

Research conducted by the journal has shown that 100% percent of shampoo commercials feature men and women with full heads of hair. In another study by the journal, they found that amongst the adult popu-lation, a mere 98% were considered not at risk for hair loss. “That leaves an astonishing 2% of the population being ignored by the hair care industry,” B.ALDNESS said. “Our mission is to provide a voice for the little guy.”

This just in, anti-smile thugs caught smiling. (see below)

Girl unsure of how she really feels with the idea of world peace.

(See above)

The Front Page

Page 8

Logic Problems Written by Eustace McGonickelly 1. If a rabbit has purple sneakers on and it decides to stroll down Memory Lane, why did his friend, Mr. Turtle, cross the pond?

2. You’re running late for class and your school is 5,000 feet away. Your car is parked two miles away, your bicycle is 50 feet away in your garage, and your scooter is in the shop 400 feet away. You need to figure out the best mode of transportation. What is America’s most favorite coffee chain?

3. It’s the year 1937 and your mother had you 27 years prior. You’re an orphan and you’re trying to figure out how old you are. Based on this information, who’s going to win the Superbowl in 2064?

4. A man walks into a bar. He

has red hair, blue eyes and is wearing black shoes. He has a purple and green striped tie on paired with an expensive suit. If his suit is the same color as his shoes and his cheeks the same color as his hair, why can’t you wear white after Labor Day? 5. Heather needs to buy 521 lipsticks for her cosmetics foundation.

She needs to supply five different colors for her consumers’ order. If she has to get 43 of the moxie mauve lipstick, 214 of the rainforest red lipstick, 52 of the passion fruit pink lipstick, and 7 of the feeling-good fuchsia lipstick, how many different colors are there of the rainbow?

Local thugs sought in anti-smile campaign, contact the smile police with any information. (see above)

The Turkey is not real – it is in fact, fake.

Nothing written, printed, or pictured in this edition of The Turkey is true. It is all made up. Fake. Fiction. False. Bogus.

Phony. Put-On. Make believe. Non truth containing. So what I am trying to say is that you can’t believe a word of it.

Thanks for reading, The Staff

Dog suffering from narcolepsy dreams of taking a real walk some day. (see above)

The entire content of The Front Page is Copyrighted by the FRCC Board of Publications. No part of the publication may be reproduced without the written permission of the publisher. The staff of The Front Page is encouraged to subscribe to the principles of the Society of Professional Journalists Code of Ethics.

Inquiries may be referred to the Office of Human Resources, 3645 W. 112th Avenue, Westminster CO 80031-2199, (303-466-8811); The Director of Affirmative Action for the Colorado College System, 9101 E. Lowry Blvd., Denver CO 80230-6011; or to the Office for Civil Rights, U.S. Dept. of Education, 1961 Stout St., Denver CO 80204

303-404-5534 | Frontpage@frontrange.edu

October 21, 2014

Advisors Tino Gomez Julie Beggs Nick Morris Managing Editor Kathy Bellis Copy Editor Robin OConnell

Assistant Editor Koa Avery Staff Reporter Rachel Bruner Student Reporters Andrew Goad Ben Allen