The Front Page April Fools 4.1.2015

Wednesday, April, 1, 2015

Volume 5280000000, Issue, who said we have issues?

Photos by HGIC

Front Range Mascot Surprisingly Human, Interview Reveals Written by Julian Hamilton

Few may know that Front Range actually has its own mascot, but the wolf card wasn’t named after nothing!

A friendly wolf who walks on two legs instead of four can occasionally be spotted in FRCC promotional images and is even featured on a poster in the student life offices! This nameless wolf has been reportedly wandering around various campuses and, rather surprisingly, appears to be very social!

We recently caught up with him to have a word. As we approached him, he immediately paused and turned about to face us.

“OH, HELLO OTHER HUMANS LIKE ME.” his voice somewhat muffled, sounding as though it came from inside the head rather than his smiling wolf mouth.

When asked about his name, the mascot merely replied: “OH I AM JUST ANOTHER PERSON. LIKE YOU. AND ME. I DEFINITELY HAVE A NAME. WE ALL HAVE NAMES. I

WILL TELL IT TO YOU WHEN WE DO THE FRIEND THING. WHERE WE BECOME TWO FRIENDS.” We asked him why he’s been frequenting the college campus so much recently; does he have somewhere to be?

Is there some sort of upcoming event?

“I AM HERE TO HANG OUT AND BE A HUMAN. THE OLD REGULAR STUFF. THAT WE ALL DO. EVERY DAY.” He begins to scratch at the side of his face and continues walking at this point, but we keep pace to continue our interview.

route across the campus. If there is some sort of upcoming event, he must be keeping it a secret. We ask him if he can show us some school spirit and maybe if he has the time for us to do a quick photo op.

“I DO NOT BELIEVE IN SPIRITS, THAT IS ILLOGICAL BECAUSE HUMANS LIKE US DO NOT KNOW IF SPIRITS ARE ACTUALLY REAL. LIKE ALIENS. THOSE ARE PROBABLY FAKE TOO. LIKE REALLY FAKE.”

“WE ALL HAVE SKIN. AND FINGERNAILS.”

“I DO BELIEVE IN SCHOOLS. SCHOOLS EXIST AND ALSO HAVE PEOPLE INSIDE OF THEM AND THAT IS THE KIND OF PLACE I CAN REALLY BELONG TO BECAUSE I AM A VERY RELATABLE PERSON WHO HAS A LOT OF HUMAN FRIENDS. AND NEEDS. LIKE WATER. I AM SUDDENLY HUNGRY.”

We can definitely agree there, we assure him, and follow him along his

We joke with him that just because he’s a wolf he shouldn’t eat anybody and

“I HAVE NOWHERE TO BE BUT HERE ON EARTH, MY FAVORITE PLACE BECAUSE IT IS WHERE I AM FROM. JUST LIKE YOU.”

he promptly reacts with alarm, backing up against the wall of the building.

“NO.” “NO I DO NOT EAT PEOPLE THAT IS REALLY WEIRD WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT HUMANS DO NOT DO THIS KIND OF THING YOU ARE ACTING VERY SUSPICIOUS RIGHT NOW.” Not all jokes can be winners. We assure him that we were only joking and share a good laugh, though he laughs significantly longer than any of our crew.

Once again, we approach him about the possibility of a photo op.

“PHOTOGRAPHY. DEFINITELY A THING A PERSON WOULD DO BUT I AM NOT FOR IT. I LOOK BAD IN PICTURES. THAT IS WHAT THEY SAY. THE OTHER PEOPLE. ABOUT ME.” Well, we definitely aren’t going to

Continued on a page after this...3 maybe...yeah 3...pretty sure anyway.

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The Front Page

Campus Security News – Spring 2015

April 1, 2015

Written by Gene Andrews In a recent turn of events, Campus the culprit will be caught, brought to Security is in the process of finalizing justice and their broccoli and beans the required documentation to the school administration that would effectively ban selfies while on campus. On the heels of the decision

by European museums to ban the selfie stick while on their property, the office of Campus Security feels that now would be the best time to place this into effect for students. As of April 1st, students caught taking pictures of themselves, or even with other people, at arms length, will be subject to a fine, campus community service, and for repeat offenders, expulsion. To say the least, students are not happy. Jessica, a second year student, voiced her concerns, “Like, what else am I supposed to do while on a college campus? Like, it’s not like this place is for anything else.”

Campus security is hot on the scent of a campus crop-duster. An individual has been roaming the halls of the campus airing out their trousers, mainly after lunch. Campus Security wants it to be known that

April first is the first day of the rest of your life so it is important to always remember to laugh... especially at yourself, you’re a funny person, you might as well laugh at yourself.

it could be an inside job, however, and they will continue to seek out the student that has been dubbed the “Rip-roaring-Air-Biscuit Launcher.”

At this point, the Front Page has no inside knowledge. However our office is adjacent to the Student Opportunity Center’s office, and there are some suspicious looking folks in and out of that office at times.

Campus Security ensures us that the beatings will continue until morale improves.

appropriate box on your financial aid form.

Campus Security, last Wednesday, stressed their concerns to the Front Page Newspaper of the high amount of “Public Displays of Affection.”

For the remainder of the semester they will be patrolling the halls searching out any couples engaged in hand holding, hugging, and lapsitting; along with the most erroneous of all offenders, kissers. “This is no dang disco club” said one of the officers. Students seem to be upset at this development. Billy, a freshman, said, “How am I supposed to show my girlfriend how much I love her if my hand isn’t in her back pocket and kiss her for a solid ten minutes in front of everybody walking by?”

Good point Billy, good point.

Due to a perceived increase in “nasty looks”, security will now set up TSA inspired checkpoints at all entrances and exits, complete with full pat downs, shoe removal and bag searchers. Campus Security advises students that this process could take some time to “work out the kinks”, and it would be wise We would like to thank campus to begin arriving for class no less security for all they do on campus. than one hour early upon returning They help the Westminster campus from Spring Break. There will be run smoothly and safely. Honestly, privileges will be revoked. Certain an application for a fast pass for the thanks! members of the security staff believe fall semester. Remember to mark the

New Support Group Coming to FRCC The clean, hypoallergenic support group for the frequently “ill” Written by Alexis Bauer

Health Anxiety is a form of mental illness that causes its’ sufferers to become convinced that they have a severe undiagnosed illness. This mental illness can be quite expensive for those who have a severe case.

Living in constant fear of having an unknown disease can cause multiple emergency room bills as well as high costs for over-the-counter drugs.

(Note: the support group will be free of charge.)

In general, support groups for those with contagious diseases can spread illness very quickly, and may be fatal to some. Luckily, health anxiety is only a mental condition and therefore nontransferable.

Attendees should keep in mind that the chairs and room used for this group are not necessarily cleaned

before each use. It is advisable to This emergency contact may need risk. Please note that scratching the bring your own disinfectant in case to be quarantined along with anyone location of the bite will only spread of lingering swine flu germs. else that has been exposed to any the poison more quickly, surely horrendous diseases causing premature death.

Prior to you may have. attending this The Health Anxiety Support free group it is a If you have been Group will host its first meeting near requirement to bitten by a mosquito Entrance 2, given that there are no come in to the in the past six months, reports of Ebola or H1N1 outbreaks New Student please let a counselor in the area. The meeting will begin at Center and fill out know prior to coming 3pm and will end at 4pm assuming the appropriate to the support group no members collapse from some medical forms meeting(s). The West unnoticed blood clot reaching their for conditions Nile Virus may still heart or brain. you believe you be a danger to every Provisions of the initial meeting may have. Please living being and may will include food, beverages, a fully be sure to provide have genetically emergency mutated beyond a stocked first aid kit, immune booster c o n t a c t cure. If the mosquito vitamins, and any student studying information in bite is accompanied by for a medical degree who wishes case said condition is truly there, redness, irritability, mild headaches, to volunteer to perform simple resulting in a medical emergency. and itching, it is likely that you are at checkups. Volunteers may sign up in Continued on PAGE 4 or 6...you’ll find it...

Run DMC says, ‘You be illin.’

April 1, 2015

The Front Page

Pig racing! The greatest sport at FRCC Westminster.

Page 3

Written by Jacob Hallberg

Have you ever noticed a musty bacon smell overcoming you when walking the halls of Front Range?

This smell at first might indicate that someone has been steadily eating bacon for over five decades, and that perhaps might be true, but the smell is coming from one large individual, Mark Zinger. Coordinator of Front Ranges pig racing, Zinger has transformed the most popular sport at Front Range.

shoulders, Zinger can easily be Zinger created the pig races in mistaken as a pig.

2014 after pleading with the Front Range educational department.

Zinger claims he is the perfect Mysteriously the department embodiment of a pig and hopes that members that opposed pig racing one day the United States government disappeared. Police found no tangible will revoke his U.S. citizenship while evidence when investigating the granting him the right of being an mysteries, only an overwhelming animal. The Front Page refuses to

At seven feet tall Zinger claims he was born to race pigs. “Pigs have always been apart of my life.

All throughout my younger years I was called a pig by my father,” states Zinger. Whether or not his father is right, there is one thing special about Zinger. He actually looks like a pig. Weighing 600 pounds and with most of his body discuss their opinion on whether they smell of bacon. weight accumulating around his believe Zinger will receive his animal calves, neck, stomach, chest, and rights.

According to Zinger the only way

to become a recognized pig racer is to believe that you are indeed a pig. This requires spending four hours reciting the pig mantra. “We pig. We eat. We walk. We eat. We sleep. We eat. We pig. We pig. We pig,” stated Zinger when asked to recite the mantra.

Zingers last group meeting had over 150 pig racers attending, meaning that students at Front Range are more than happy to spend the fours to join. Jimmy Skippet, a Front Range Westminster student currently studying “rock zoology” attends the weekly pig racing meetings. “Pig so fun. I want be pig. Pig fast. Pig good,” Skippet said.

Zinger invited the Front Page to watch the pig racing grand finale. After reluctantly attending the event we can say with conclusive acknowledgement that pig race members consist of the smartest individuals at Front Range.

Continued on PAGE 6

Mascot Surprisingly Human Continued from the Front Page

force him. He looks good in all the other pictures of him that are out there, we mention.

“OTHER PICTURES? DO YOU HAVE THEM IN YOUR POCKETS?” We reply that, no, unfortunately, we do not. There is one in the Student Life Offices, at which point he requests that we take him there. We agree, and continue our walking interview into the school building.

We ask him what the hardest thing about his job is and what his favorite thing about his job is. He replies very quickly: “MY JOB IS HARD. MAN. SO TIRED, THAT IS WHAT THEY SAY. MY JOB IS THE ONE WHERE THEY GIVE ME MONEY FOR BEING A PERSON IN A PLACE. YOU KNOW HOW IT IS, ALSO. YOU ARE A PERSON LIKE ME AND YOU HAVE DONE IT TOO. WE ARE ALL THE

SAME.” We re-iterate, what is his favorite thing about the job, to which he responds: “MY JOB IS THE BEST BECAUSE IT IS THE KIND PEOPLE DO. WE ARE JUST HANGING OUT, JUST ONE OF THE GUYS. YOU COULD SAY, FRIENDS, OR YOU COULD JUST SAY ANOTHER HUMAN LIKE ME, MY IDENTICAL TWIN. IN THIS WAY, I AM ALWAYS HOME.” Does he mean to imply that Front Range’s Westminster Campus feels like home?

“OH YES. YES THAT IS WHERE THE HEART IS BECAUSE WE ALL HAVE THEM. THERE ARE MANY. I HEAR THEM.” At this point, we have arrived at the Student Life Offices, but he has not stopped walking. We continue behind

him and ask him how the student body usually reacts when he shows up somewhere.

“DUDE IT IS SO GOOD SEEING YOU AGAIN I AM SO GLAD THAT I HAVE EYES. ME TOO. THIS IS HOW IT GOES WHEN YOU SEE THE BROS AND THEY ARE YOUR FRIENDS. ALWAYS. IT IS JUST THE WAY. I CANNOT HELP BECOMING SO POPULAR. THERE IS SO MUCH TO RELATE TO I AM BASICALLY HUGE.” That sounds like a pretty positive reaction to us! We ask him if kids usually react the same way or if they ever get scared of him because of his teeth. He stops.

“WHEN THIS KIDS ARE SMALL, I CANNOT SEE THEM.” The response has us a bit puzzled and we ask him to clarify. Does he have trouble seeing out of the mascot suit?

“I DO NOT EVER TELL LIES THIS IS MY HONEST FACE. I WOULD NOT BE HIDING FROM YOU BECAUSE I AM PROUD THAT MY BODY IS HERE TODAY AND LOOKS LIKE YOU. WHAT SUIT AM I WEARING?” We clarify that we are talking about the mascot suit. The wolf costume. Are kids ever afraid of his wolf costume?

“WHAT IS MASCOT?”

“WHAT IS COSTUME?”

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The Front Page

April 1, 2015

You Say Pig Racing, I Smell Bacon Continued from page bacon After first entering the mud induced pig pens the smell was overwhelming. It smelt of large amounts of human sweat and bacon. The bright sunny day only exaggerated this smell as the rays of light pounded the pen over and over amplifying the smell of bacon tenfold. Eager to finally watch a pig race we all stood in anticipation when it finally happened. A loud bang rang within the pen and the most astounding event possible, in human history, occurred.

osowebstudio.net

The creatures released from the pen where not pigs at all.

They were the Front Range students and faculty that participate actively in the group.

They all were crouched down on all fours imitating what a pig would look like. All of the “pigs�

moved as eloquently as possible when considering the situation. The race was on.

One thing stood apparent when looking from afar, Zinger, the group creator, was currently in the lead by a huge margin, thrusting his limbs forward with as much might as possible considering his weight. The other contestants were no match for Zinger, he reached the end and started to devour the reward given to him, a large platter of fresh worms.

The Front Page would like to formally issue a congratulation to Zinger for his amazing win. He showed the Front Range society that we all have the ability to be successful at something. Contact Mark Zinger at Mark.Zinger@frontrange.edu to join this incredible group.

Did you know‌?

The U.S. consumes more than 1.7 billion pounds of bacon each year.

Bacon has been around since about 1500 BCE when pork bellies were salted for preservation in China.

Bacon and eggs go together in 71% of meals with bacon.

Bacon can be found in 53% of all U.S. home refrigerators on any given day.

April 1, 2015

The Front Page

Page 5

The Sunset

Speed Shopping...

Found to increase happiness quotient.

Photos by The HGIC

Something we all need to see more of... don’t you agree?

Puppy Gives Review of Puppy Food, Prefers Bacon

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The Front Page

April 1, 2015

Extraterrestrials are invading our school?

Written by Jacob Hallberg

Announcing his 2015 Great Minds Conference meeting before hundreds of Front Range Community College faculty, Emmett “Doc” Brown, creator of the time travel car, discusses the grim reality in the time to come. Brown is well known for his multiple appearances on television, starring mainly in the Back to the Future series as well as being the first man to create a stable space time continuum discontinuity, essentially time travel.

With an extremely rare and exclusive interview The Front Page managed to get a sneak peek into what is expected to be discussed at the Great Minds Conference. “This discussion will be figuratively out of this world,” said Brown, claiming that he has proof extraterrestrials are planning on invading our world.

“These extraterrestrials have been

devising a method of invasion for over a century and have been actively taking part in many worldly events. These aliens are not what one would expect, they have the technology to disguise themselves to near perfection.”

Brown went on to say that the Mayans were right all along. “They predicted this event thousands of years ago and very few took their warning seriously. Now we are in this predicament,” he added. The Mayans are an ancient civilization that is widely known to be associated with extraterrestrials.

They mysteriously disappeared, seemingly vanishing from existence in 250 A.D. Brown states that “modern day archaeologist have now found vast amounts of Mayan art depicting a human in what looks to be a rocket of some sort. This has

Photo courtesy of the future and wikiwikiwiki led many smart individuals to be This event will be life changing ready for this event.” for the world as a whole. Brown reconciles that the only way to Brown claims these aliens are survive an alien invasion is to act like immensely dangerous to the human you are one of the aliens invading. race and their goal is to assimilate “You need to walk with your back the entire population through the perfectly aligned, pretend you have use of abduction. When asked the no knowledge on cultural events kind of danger Coloradans are in (especially American Football), Brown responded “because of the talk in an extremely robotic dialect geothermal nature of Colorado (using big fancy words), and stare these extraterrestrials are able every other person you see directly to gather heat energy from the in the eye to assert your dominance.” surrounding mountains. This means a huge increase in extraterrestrial At this point in the interview, population within Colorado.”

Brown started to shiver and shake when discussing the information.

According to Brown geothermal We knew it was time to put the energy is created when mass interview to an end. compresses multiple types of matter, and releasing heat. “Really?!. I The Great Minds conference learned of geothermal energy when will be held on Wednesday, April 1, I was four years old,” states Brown. 2015. The Front Page will now only talk using fancy words.

New Support Group Coming to FRCC The clean,hypoallergenic support group for the frequently “ill” Continued from page 2 office S1990.

working cell phone and a basic knowledge of medical conditions.

The group is requesting Be prepared to take calls at any volunteers to function as sponsors time to reassure sufferers that they for those afflicted with Health will not die. Of course, lying is not Anxiety. Volunteers must have a

permissible in these situations. If a sufferer of health anxiety truly has a flesh eating disease and will die of necrosis, please do not hesitate to let them know this.

Remember, you are not alone!

(That is, unless you have managed to catch a new, rare, incurable disease, resulting in quarantine by the Center for Disease Control.)

April 1, 2015

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The Front Page

Upcoming Events 2014 Written by Katy Beelas Friday, April 25, 2014, 7:00am1:00pm – Second Annual 9 Fair Ladies will be held at the

applying for most federal, state, and

Thursday, May 15, 2014 –

held at the 2nd Ditch Center in

college-provided financial aid for

Application deadlines for The

Broomfield. Doors open at 6:00pm,

students. For more information call

Kaiser Dinner Roll Scholarship,

graduates start check in at 6:15pm

555-GOT-Milk

Foundational Scholarship, and the

and the Ceremony begins at 7:00pm.

Westminster Campus in the circus

Saturday, April 26, 2014, 3:00pm-

tent and surrounding areas. For

4:00pm - Say your words nicely,

more information visit your mom.

National Poetry Slam Champions,

Saturday, April 26, 2014, 1:00pm4:30pm – College Hilly Chilly will be hosting Metta State in offering a coloring work session to help fill out the coloring book application. Color outside the lines is the first step of many to self actualization towards

will be performing at Starchucks Library. If you are new to slam poetry prepare to be moved by your feet. Slam poetry is edgy and

‘This is how we do it’ Foundational Scholarship, have all been extended to Thursday, May 15, 2014 by 3:00pm. To apply visit https:/ getonyourapplication.com or go to your grandma’s house, she might have cookies.

Thurterday, May 50th @ 12:00, we cannot recall if this is a.m. or p.m., maybe you should just wait around to see. There will be a T-Rex boxing with a firetruck at the large gymnasium, somewhere near the bike-racks. Popcorn will be free to

electrifying. If you are if you are

Thursday, May 15, 2014,

the first 700 people who can recite

already a fan, you know. Register

7:00pm – Westminster Campus

the T-Rex oath of honor, backwards.

your concerns for this free program

Commencement Into the Future

For more information don’t ask us,

at 555-YOU-Know.

Ceremony will be

because we don’t have more.

Coloring Corner

The Front Page

Page 8

April 1, 2015

NOW HEAR THIS! A Breif Message From The Head Ginger In Charge The entire contents of this April 1, 2015 April Fools edition, are complete and udder fabrications.

This is a work of fiction. Events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

The Front Page (FP) is not liable for any actual likeness to any

subject mentioned within these fabrications. On the off chance that there is a coincidental likeness, immediately go purchase a lottery ticket as your luck is truly amazing and it is better to be rich than sorry.

itching or swelling with redness, and those with a peanut allergy are urged to not eat peanuts. No animals were harmed in the creation of this newspaper. All opinions contained in this edition are not real opinions of the Front Page, nor their writers, Any side effects of reading these we told you they are fabrications. articles are at the risk of the reader, For more information on any of the such as, but not limited to; laughing articles contained in this edition, milk out of the nose, any excessive please look up FABRICATION

Gomez

“Narcoleptic Dog”

https://www.facebook.com/thefrontpage

08-18-2012

Scan here with your Smartphone for our Facebook page

12-15-2014

Advisors

Julie Beggs The entire content of The Front Page is Copyrighted by the FRCC Board of Publications. No part of the publication may be reproduced without the written permission of the publisher. The staff of The Front Page is encouraged to subscribe to the principles of the Society of Professional Journalists Code of Ethics. Inquiries may be referred to the Office of Human Resources, 3645 W. 112th Avenue, Westminster CO 80031-2199, (303-466-8811); The Director of Affirmative Action for the Colorado College System, 9101 E. Lowry Blvd., Denver CO 80230-6011; or to the Office for Civil Rights, U.S. Dept. of Education, 1961 Stout St., Denver CO 80204

303-404-5534 | Frontpage@frontrange.edu

in your nearest dictionary as they are not real and to gain further information you will need to make it up on your own. The Front Page is not liable for the use of your own creativity, however, use of creative thinking is stronglyencouraged as is critical thinking, analytical thinking, actually thinking in general is keenly recommend.

Tino Gomez Nick Morris Managing Editor Robin OConnell Copy Editor Koa Avery

Staff Reporters

Alexis Bauer Andy Goad Jacob Hallberg Julian Hamilton Alyssa Ojibway Supporting Reporter

Justin Sims