wellness
TAKING A BREAK FROM
TOXIC WORDS BY EMI LY R Z EZ NI CK I
Growing up, I was led to believe in various life lessons, some of which were presented as near absolutes of life. This poses an obvious contradiction, as I have come to understand that in life, there are rarely absolutes. Nevertheless, those who guide us when we are young present those old adages with a level of certainty that is hard to argue with. For me, the most repeated was an assumption of the dependability that family would be present in my life, that they would always be there with love and unconditional support. The unfortunate truth is that this is not always reality. In fact, the people who are supposed to never harm you can hurt you the most. This difficult truth came to me at an early age, forcing me to grow up faster and harsher and conclude above all that I needed to learn to depend on myself before I could depend on others. There is much that is out of our control as children and teenagers, but as adults learning to navigate our newfound independence and adaptability, we discover new freedoms. One of these freedoms is the ability to wholly dictate the life we want and the relationships that we wish to keep or let go of. We can absolutely choose our family. When those we should be able to depend on continually fail us with patterns of neglect or abuse, we do not need to endure it simply because we share a titular bond. My mom died in March 2018 from a particularly aggressive brain tumor. My world collapsed. Her death, in conjunction with my experience of being her primary caregiver while navigating the rest of my family’s needs and wants despite them providing me with
little support, was the final catalyst to making the decision to walk away from my dad and sister and to create boundaries and distance with my extended family. I had reached a point where I looked at who I had left as family, who would be there as I learned to live without my mom, and decided, based on my painful history with them, that they were not good enough and I deserved better. My experience is unique to me; we all have our own breaking points, and I don’t pretend to make my experience universal. However, that breaking point is a common thread repeated by many: the moment we realize that our family is toxic and unhealthy for our existence. That we have repeated the same cycle of pain and one-sided forgiveness without reaching substantial growth or change. And that the only reason we have endured this unnecessary pattern is because the people perpetuating it are our family. Living with the decision to cut out certain family members from my life, I learned a few things, and for any of you reading this, I implore you to consider them as you move forward with your own decision. 1. The decision to cut ties with family or create boundaries with them does not need to be cemented forever. We cannot say what our lives will look like as we move forward, so how can we state with certainty that the chance to repair damage with family will never come? We can’t know if walking away now will have to be sustained forever. That would be putting unrealistic pressure on ourselves. Instead, allow yourself to set the boundaries you feel you need now and re-evaluate your decision or degree of
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distance as you go. There is no limit to how many times you can reflect. 2. If you have decided to walk away from family members but occasionally want to talk to them or gauge their stance towards your decision, that is okay. We should not make ourselves feel guilty for not staying 100 percent away all the time. You are not betraying your decision or showing weakness if you feel you want to check in. It will allow you to decide what to do moving forward. If nothing has changed on their end, then stay the course. If something has changed for the better, allow for adjustment. 3. Ask yourself questions, such as, what do I need from them to begin to mend the relationship? What am I willing to negotiate on and what am I not? Am I letting my pain and anger turn into stubbornness or am I still healing? Is there a new way I can express my feelings that I have not effectively articulated before? Asking ourselves questions allows for evolving reflection. It allows us to reach new conclusions that may require new strategies, or it can help us see valid justifications and feel secure in our decisions. Family is a privilege, not a right. We are born into titles not of our choosing, be it daughter, sister, or son. But the title of “family,” in my opinion, is one that needs to be earned, and family is defined by much more substantial, tangible elements than simply blood. Family is trust, appreciation, celebration, and respect. All of which are created through supportive actions and words. If we are not receiving that from family, then it is time for change and for us to seek better.
