GARFIELD MEMES

By Griffin Crabs

What is Lovers?

By Maile Quenzer and George Martin

some of our most trusted and intellectually-respected peers what they thought was behind the doors of Lovers. Senior Griffin Crabs stated that he believed it was “some kind of knock off Chuck E. Cheese” when we presented him our question. I find this theory full of holes— have you ever seen a child entering or exiting the establishment?

Maybe it was Crab’s coy de meanor that threw me off, but it seemed like he knew more than he was letting on. We continued to ask around.

Senior Mairead Averill claimed she was told by her parents it was a “hot tub store”. Now this was a postulation I could get behind. For one thing, the building is huge— it clearly must contain really large things, and hot tubs weren’t out of the question. The signature swirling “O” on the sign could represent the drain of the tub, so on and so forth. I thought we were beginning to crack the case until we questioned senior Tallulah Baumgart who was told that Lovers was a “smoothie shop”, but whenever she asked her parents if they could make a pit stop, they would always nervously decline. Despite our efforts at uncovering the true identity of Lovers, things just weren’t adding up. No two stories were the same. That’s when things started getting weird, really weird. It seemed like there was someone, or something, that really didn’t want us to find the answers to our questions. Whatever it was, it felt like they were always going to be one step ahead of us. Wherever we went, there they were- watching, waiting. When my associate found a note mixed in with his mail reading “stay away”, I started really getting scared. That’s when we decided we’d had enough. We needed to take the final step; we needed to go to Lovers.

The drive felt long and tense. The weather conditions were horrific, it seemed like even the heavens didn’t want us to arrive at our destination. We had to stay on high alert, we both had the same eerie feeling that we were being followed. Suddenly, through the rain, we saw the building appear. We parked and walked in hesitantly. We entered the store and what we saw changed our lives. It was icky and I don’t want to talk about it.

Art by Maile Quenzer

Writing

“GOTTA LET THE DOGS BREATHE”

Iwas innocently using the girls’ bathroom in the middle of third period when something caught my eye. I realize I’m not alone in the bathroom and my eyes drop to the floor to avoid the awkward eye contact forced by the inch wide gaps between the stalls, but what my eyes land on is even more disturbing. The person using the stall next to me had removed their socks and shoes and had their fully bare feet dangling for all to see. I stifle my laughter and disgust and run out as fast as I can.

“HELP CAPTIVE BY TIKTOKER’S”

I just finished my business in the girls’ bathroom. I flush and prepare to open the stall door outwards. As I gently push open the door I realize it isn’t budging, so I try a little harder— still nothing. Bending down to see under the door, I see feet against the stall and hear the Tiktok countdown timer playing. About ten girls decided to congregate in the bathrooms to film their TikTok, trapping me inside. I decide to shove the door harder, yet nothing happens; the girls don’t seem to notice. “Hey I’m in here!” I say, but get no response. With all my strength I bust the door open and cause a couple girls to lose their footing. I take the awkward walk to the sink while getting side eyes from every single one of them.

“I SPOKE OUT INTO THE ABYSS”

Picture it. Another day, just trying to do my business, but I realize too late that there’s no toilet paper left in my stall. A moment of self reflection ensues…what a rookie mistake in a school where the one-ply toilet paper flies off the roll faster than Ms. Porcia runs out of pop tarts? “Does anyone have any toilet paper?” Silence. I bite the bullet, pull up my pants, and head for the sink, attempting to keep whatever shred of dignity I have left. Then a second flush sounds, and to my horror a second girl joins me at the sink. Not a word passes between us as I leave.

“CLOWN DECIDES TO TAKE A PEAK”

The Taco Time I ate last night was a mistake. My stomach was churning all morning, making sitting in class impossible. Then the inevitable happens, I get the urge. I excuse myself from class and run to the closest bathroom ready to unleash the demons in my stomach. As I’m “taking the worst sh*t of my life” some clown decides to take a peak over the stall. We lock eyes for a moment then they disappear, leaving me on the toilet to endure another 15 minutes of pain.

The Investigation Continues

“The toilet paper somehow feels like sandpaper but it’s also see-through at the same time.” -Ms. Sosnowski

“FLASH MOB IN THE BIG STALL”

In the middle of science I realize I have to go, so I walk to the nearest bathroom. It is quiet; I think I am alone. As I’m doing my business, I hear a bunch of people walk into the big stall. I don’t think much of it, and I exit the stall and walk over to the sink to wash my hands. The paper towel dispens er was broken, just my luck. I’m about to walk back to class when I hear a shocking sound erupting from the big stall. I listen in disbe lief as all three people in sync start harmonizing to Billie Eilish with no warning.

“WHOLE EZELL’S 3 PIECE”

For some reason the bathroom line was long today. Every person that walked into the right stall walked out immediately and went back in line to wait their turn. After about ten minutes it is finally my turn and I go to check the mysterious stall. I open the door, see an Ezell’s three piece that was shoved into the depths of the toilet and walk right out. I go back in line to wait, just as others before me had.

“The bathrooms are a complete disaster that require immediate attention from everyone everywhere. Please somebody fix it.” - Mr. Waterman

Who needs air freshener?

Garfield’s bathroom stalls are known for many things, but what might shock many is that smell isn’t at the top of their issues. See, the students at GHS have taken matters of scent into their own hands–or lungs–employing special methods of “air freshening”. Scents like strawberry guava, mint, or even tropical mango linger and effectively mask any other odors that may be floating around. Some say the damaging effects these “air fresheners” can have on students aren’t worth the fruity flavors, but more devout students agree that if you just give it a try, there’s no going back.

Can you find these in Garfield Bathrooms?

On March 9, a Thursday like no other, the Garfield Orchestra and Band were preparing for their performance. The audience was milling about the lobby; Excitement buzzing in the air mere moments before the musicians went on stage. Little did everyone know, someone had nefarious acts on their mind. When the concert ended and everyone returned to the entrance they found that the boys’ bathroom had been disturbingly vandalized. Every single surface of the bathroom was tagged by “Slaz”. While a full investigation has been conducted, the culprit remains at large. Authorities were able to narrow down the time frame of this egregious act to before the concert, specifically between the hours of 4 p.m. to 6:15 p.m., however, no suspects have been identified. This situation still had many unanswered questions….Who is Slaz? ….Why would they do this? ….Will they strike again?