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win.”

Q: What are the most extreme lengths you have gone to in order to get an elimination?

A: “I once got into a pretty intense car chase with my target. I followed her home from school, but I think she started to suspect something because she started driving in circles. She wouldn’t get out of her car, so out of desperation I stepped on the gas and slammed into the side of her car. As soon as she opened her door, I shot her with my Nerf Gun. I think she might’ve broken her leg, but at least I got my target.”

Q: What are the most extreme lengths you have gone to in order to avoid getting killed?

A: “I made all of my friends and family sign a legal contract to not snitch on me, and not eliminate me if I’m their target. Also, just to be sure, I ghosted all of them when it started. You can’t trust anyone. I even considered changing my legal name, but eventually decided against it.”

Q: If you could add or change a rule to Senior Assassin, what would it be?

A: “I think it has too many rules in general. They should get rid of the grace period before and after events like sports

Our takes on sports that should pack a punch.

By Mia Andreeva and S. Avalon Leonard

Within the greater sports universe, exist two worlds. One ruled by sportsmanship and respect of personal space and another ruled by contact. But what could we unlock if there was a blending of these two wildly different divisions of sports? We argue that what could be found for these four often overlooked sports is an added entertainment aspect for audience and athlete alike. In essence, a whole new world of entertainment is just at our fingertips, literally.

Ultimate Frisbee

A highlight of this coveted non-contact sport is the “spirit of the game,” which stresses sportsmanship, fair play, and even refereeing. People tend to - ing the sport. Is it a basketball remix?

A soccer and discup? We think thatprove the game and draw audiences in is to make it more like football by allowing players to tackle the person with the disc. Who knows? With this addition maybe someday America’s favorite pastime will be throwing around the ol’ plastic disc, rather than the old pigskin.

Golf

The game of golf incorporates numerous elements, huge fields, polo shirts, and the often-forgotten caddies. Caddies are normally just there to assist–driving the golf carts, and car rying around clubs. What if we were to give them a more active role? In our new and improved version of the game of golf, every cart a caddy knocks over, subtracts 2 points from the overall score of the player. Additionally, upgrades to the actual golf cart will be not only allowed but encouraged. Think Mad Max: Fury Road meets my grandpa’s favorite pastime.

Darts

Do we really need to explain?

Cross Country

It’s no secret that cross country, from a viewer’s perspective, is a bit boring. It is also no secret that a large component of the cross country way of life is vomiting. We think that the ultimate way to incorporate arguably the most iconic aspect of the sport into the actual numbers is through competitive projectile vomiting. For each person that a runner hits with their blowing of chunks, anywhere between 10 and 30 seconds will be taken off of their final time, depending on how much they spewed on their competitors.

Bonus: Lunch Line

Standing in the lunch line, in our hum ble opinions, needs a total revamping. Gone will be the days of hazily standing behind a line of hangry teenagers. Enter the hunger games, literally. Since eating in the commons is not really a thing that most seasoned Garfield students do, the entire commons would be better suited for allow ing students to live out their young adult practice, work, and school. People should always be on their toes, never knowing when they could be eliminated.”

Q: People to watch out for/who do you think is going to win?

A: “Me. Next question.”

Q: Best hiding spots?

A: “The best hiding spots are the ones that are as close to your target as possible. For example, the trunk of their car, inside their closet, under their bed, or in their walls. Don’t be afraid to think outside the box! (or inside the box, if you’re literally hiding in a box).”

Q: Should the winner of Senior Assassin receive a prize, and if so, what do you think it should be?

A: “Wait, there isn’t a prize?”

Graphics by Griffin Crabs

fantasy novel dreams and make getting to the front of the lunch line a free for all.. The game of it is, will you be Katniss Everdeen or will you be what’s-her-face?

All in all there is a world of joy found in all areas of athleticism and at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter how much contact is involved as long as you are enjoying yourself. But because the realms of contact versus non-contact sport are so separated from each other, it would be fair to say that both parties are missing out on what the other has to offer. So, Bulldogs, if you’re feeling trapped by the all bark and no mentality of the non-contact sport life, maybe it’s time to take a walk on the wild side.