BDW 2012 in English

Some 2012 posts from Naturelle’s life at Menorca Visit: blackdogwoman.blogspot.com

By Gigi.Soul From blackdogwoman.blogspot.com

Love letter without a declaration

I feel, read and imagine you are looking for me and at the same time, I wonder why you’re hiding. Something tells me you doubt about whom or how I am just because you still don’t trust my kind and most of all, you never deign to try to know me due to some problems you have, but today, I choose to dedicate this letter even it’s not a love one, because I have no doubts that someday, it could become one.

You must understand even though I feel I do know you, my reality shows it isn’t real since my memory keeps only a few moments shared, because you wanted it that way. Your energy captivates me but if you do feel insecure about what I feel about you, the easiest roads to find it out is by coming closer to me and express yourself, instead of avoiding it.

I’ve never averted you though I moved according to your pace and the distance built between us, it wasn’t due to a lack of desire or caused by not understanding your game, since I could notice how dark your words were and how strong your true feelings were heard inside of me.

I’ve guaranteed we would meet again around the corner of a street and that’s how it was but with the difference that this time, I could control my heart-beeps, to tell you easily, what I’ve been keeping quiet these last months, trusting time to hear a sincere answer and won’t have to listen, once again, to your dark excuses. You still don’t get it… I wasn’t born to provide you some company, assist, console or put up or with you but to choose, kiss and love you, every sunshine for the rest of our days together and live like this, the simplicity to hear you laugh or cry by sharing our

By Gigi.Soul From blackdogwoman.blogspot.com

experiences, without any complexes. The issue is to admire the beauty of being 1+1 instead of that 2x1 they taught and still try to sell us, disguised as love. I’m fully convinced that if you compose and develop your passions they would inspire you to understand, that loneliness is a state instead of an annoying and paranoid symptom.

Meanwhile, the path I choose this summer returns part of the love I offer through an innocent chance meeting that helps me picture, how would you have been before loosing true love perspective by some hurtful disappointment that left you a mark, making you forget the courage of taking risks and standing against the fear of knowing how I feel or defining what you feel, it’s only inside of you and not in the circumstances or characters, that surround us.

And though you don't believe that they do They do come true For did my dreams Come true when I looked at you And maybe too, if you would believe You too might be Overjoyed, over loved, over me Stevie Wonder

By Gigi.Soul From blackdogwoman.blogspot.com

Series of unmentioned memoirs

Hormones depress my system; I’m bleeding painfully this month and by being so low, I remember how mined my self-esteem was that winter I met you in some other lands, almost half a decade before. By looking at the girls you were choosing not to feel alone and knowing some others, whom were part of your affairs, as they told me even without asking about it, I couldn’t avoid asking myself in silence what I could be lacking not to like you. Probably it was that insecurity you could see in my absurd suffering next to somebody that didn’t deserve me, asking yourself at the same time, why I was choosing him instead of being interested in how you were … more deeply. I regret so much of haven’t observed carefully thoroughly to know, already then, what your sweet eyes were telling me. I also remember defending you every time your envious mate washed your dirty linen in public, asking him later how could he call you a friend and also, how he tried to blur my vision to keep a wall of distance created between the two of us so he could, gullibly think, I would never dare to know who you really were. Another reason of so many others proves that pasty coward never deserved me and, also, why he never understood how tempting and stimulating for me, a new challenge could it be. Even more if a few years go by until I get some suitable results.

Over the few hours of light you’ve given me you showed me how wrong I was by not trusting myself, noticing that you liked me a bit, but it’s still hard to comprehend why or how; can’t know yet if you like the way I am or the attraction you might have felt towards my ass movement, my legs or tits,

By Gigi.Soul From blackdogwoman.blogspot.com

was satisfied after sporadic chatting nights, with shy touching up and sex. My mental clarity was building up during our dazed encounters and not long ago, I had revealed the reason of feeling unexpectedly attracted to a young lad that looked, in some gestures, so much like you; honestly, I couldn’t believe being so charmed with only thinking and visualizing me by your side.

I’ve been living, since more than a year ago, hundreds of coincidences or signs and even today, every time I bump into this guy on the streets, irremediably later on, I see you… or vice versa. By letting me develop an underestimated patience to listen to my truth and after cleaning my eyes with some other tears, I found in him so many disgusting movements similar to a ghost from the past, looking for a lost treasure, coming back with a different body to test me and verify if alone in the forest, I would fall over again because of a well known stone.

I’m not looking for a man, a love or tie me up to your passion. I’m not even looking for you since I respect your relationship and your choice; I’m hoping to find what I need on the path I’ve chosen, enjoying intense but honest emotions, crazy but funny, psychedelic but not selfdestructive ones while I sing songs daily to confirm, when you appear again, that you will be the one only if what you tell me, shows that even on the distance, you were listening. Or maybe, reading this…

“After all, superheroes aren’t born but made. And we all know that women only fell in love with guys that rescue them” David-Laguardia, GQ Spanish Magazine

By Gigi.Soul From blackdogwoman.blogspot.com

Tossing the coin

Heads or tails? It’s been months since the last time I bumped into him on the streets when I couldn’t even react to stop my bike and say hello when, just a few months before that, I was confessing to him, seated at my doorstep, my restrained desire to kiss him. But this last time we met, he had the audacity and bright idea to ask me: `So now you show off with this guy?´, supposing to have acquired, somehow, an egocentric right on me just to have shown you, how attracted I felt by him. Amazed by his young arrogance, remembering his boring winter next to a subsequent bewildered bachelorhood summer which made me stumble last year, until I let him eat my lips to give him what he was after, just by not trusting my dreams.

Wondering why bothered you to see I decided to spend more time with some others, but you, when you’ve been the first one to be asked for a rescue without getting any answer back. You’ve tried to slip up an ex girlfriend – to monkey mum, an upright hominid ex wife… come on man! with whom do you “only” get along well, just to see you walk, hand by hand, not long after you were scrubbing against me and my sheets for a while. A while… months of muddle just for a while because, of course and as you’ve heard, I got involved with some others who knew how to get my confidence faster than you. Your prejudices drove you to be worthy of, well… just a little while, letting life teach me later what your true mission was by getting closer to me. You’ve emerged in my way to learn that this wasn’t good for me and finally understand what this game, I fell into so many times in the past, was about. You’ve interrupted me in the process of listening to myself,

By Gigi.Soul From blackdogwoman.blogspot.com

exerting an opportunistic control over my unconditional love by asking too much attention from me, showing how little you beard yourself. Looking at you without your pretty boy mask made me comprehend what a woman meant for a bored guy like you, so I changed my useless sympathy to you for a non reciprocate love and by now, too complicated to be real. I’ve suffered the uncertainty by not knowing if I had to choose you, him or if the best thing to do was to let destiny decide for me but I could only get rid of pity, when I noticed that none of you were choosing me and that inevitable gets a true meaning, when I think about the lessons I had to learn, while being with all of them.

Men… you are never going to get something new from them if you can’t find something new in you.

Video: http://youtu.be/dJma8pVAvH4 http://youtu.be/nnyI75EthaQ

By Gigi.Soul From blackdogwoman.blogspot.com

Mystic Dark Knight You can’t imagine how annoying it is to feel I’m still waiting for you. It’s been to many months waiting for your invitation since I hanged from your neck that mystic night, asking if you would take me to some far away beach.

My behaviour shows I’m not waiting, sometimes I think I’m over it but my mind never sleeps trying to attract you, somehow, back to me. They say those voices in my head come from my own ego taking control of the situation, impatient since it can’t know the end of the plot it wants me to get involved. There are some other moments when I think actually it’s your ego, trying to control me while it takes pleasure, satisfied in believing to have conquered my soul, forever. It’s possible you own most of my thoughts at first and some incomplete feelings but the heart you’ve asked for, keeps waiting some caresses to revive because, after this long, it doesn’t even know what to think.

Some others say that only you are my knight in shining armour, lost in the path of his own battles, waiting to come back to a home he never knew. It hurts to imagine your pass over my body was just another aim in your victories and today, my truth shows I don’t feel you anymore in my chills, dreams or coming back, before long, to me… no matter how much I want it. Fascinated by your personality and my pride, I’ve been trusting all this time you would see beyond my façade but you still don’t dare to know your dominant fears, which day after day, move you away more and more from here, from me. Live with them until you cool the anxiety of chaos, respect your darker side to calm it down when it tries to spread its power in vain and, at least, try… sometimes, it works for me too.

To evoke you without mentioning your name makes me wonder what you might be doing since I can’t stop thinking about you; seeking to approach with an open mind by not competing or trying to convince you, letting you go with permission to come back. It’s the only way I find to

By Gigi.Soul From blackdogwoman.blogspot.com

dissipate my emotions and slash those internal bonds that still remind me of you, learning this way the lesson of the real meaning in what we are used to repeat and says: “When you love something, let it be; if it comes back it’s yours and if not… it never was” I want to stop thinking about you and have the chance to see you without barriers; sober, defenceless before your shield just to offer you a humble confession… a fire will rise, soon.

Watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYNwn9LCXMc

By Gigi.Soul From blackdogwoman.blogspot.com

Possessed by your anima All these months I’ve been writing inspired by your instinct but you still don’t believe that anything of all I’m telling you, could also be your truth. All this time I’ve braided bridges between my fantasies and their possible reality, finding as a result your distant trusting, at least, you can comprehend what I’m up to and find, this way, the courage to stop only asking me, how am I. Is it that difficult to date for dinner, chat and not cancel?

I’ve discovered that the origin of secret forces it’s on the roots, in my personal story and in the work of art I daily make with myself, setting you free of a responsibility that seems out of order yet in your consciousness, to decode why you love me without regretting about it. Investigating my reasons I’ve strongly proposed not to make a fuss again in a town, anxious for someone new to burn out and I found some hidden taboo in the others, which used to dent me a few decades before.

Knowing and listening to her confirmed the repetition in lessons until I learn them and to interlace my fingers in your hands, reminding me that haste was never a good counsellor; it’s been more than a year maturing and walking alone, slowly, preparing my animus for our next encounter.

Seated on my favourite rock at Cala Blanca I’ve asked for your wellbeing, my mental health and a destiny together, capable to create a cosmic impact powerful enough to make our dreams come true. Everyday I’m more sure of it, guys only get close to you when you impishly show your interest while a man, is the one that gets closer, just to let you know why he’s so attracted to you. It’s been too long of being lost… settled for special meals in the king of burgers, lost property turned into anniversary presents, feigned walks inside shopping centres or long home theatre sessions to avoid talking about ourselves. My anxiety wasn’t a

By Gigi.Soul From blackdogwoman.blogspot.com

problem due to who I was choosing as a travel companion and came from my impulsive feeling of wanting to do something different, without knowing quite well how, when or actually, with who should I start experimenting it. All this time of being single helped me try with diverse whom, to train in how I want to live my life and be able to imagine, finally, when I would like to share it with a particular someone. All that dominant unease started vanishing its power by respecting its ephemeral pass over my body and calming the demands of my exorcised internal demons, lacking the need of waiting for some flattering words in my ears, on a crazy summer night. Your few words are still the muse that doesn’t pressure but never leaves me, every time I decide to dedicate my ravings, on this blankpage.doc “Only when we find the sensible content of the apparent nonsense, will we be able to separate worthy from unworthy” Carl G. Jung

By Gigi.Soul From blackdogwoman.blogspot.com