Grrrl Couch Vol. #4: QUEER

QUEER: A GRRRL COUCH ZINE

TABLE OF CONTENTS Editor’s Note………………………………….…...2 “Empty Fruit” by Nora Pollard …………….……4 An Interview with my Favorite Queer Couple…....6 Oil Paintings by Chelsa Ngum…………………...12 :(“ by Nora Pollard…………………..………….14 Mixed Media Art by Xek Noir…………………..16 “Free” by Mck……………………………..…….20 “Coming Out” by Anonymous………………………24 Queer Playlist……………………………………28

EDITOR’S NOTE OR SOMETHING ALONG THOSE

LINES

I made this zine to have a place where I could featur ion, artists, specifically queer artists, never get e unique perspective as well, as their sexuality can be

This zine includes poetry, photography, paintings, po enjoy.

QUEER is also the first Grrrl Couch zine I’ve designe around the globe from queer artists and friends alike ask for their support in this project. So without fur

If you’re reading this, if you’ve ever taken interest if you’ve ever bought a zine off me, if you’ve ever s Xoxo, Ruby

All photos taken and words written by me, unless stat

G

re queer artists and their work. In my humble opinenough credit. I believe queer artists have a very e beautifully incorporated into their artwork.

oems, and whatever you can consider art. Hope you

ed completely online, taking in submissions from e. I had to reach out to many different people and rther or do, enjoy.

t in Grrrl Couch, if you’ve ever submitted anything, supported me in any way possible, thank you.

ted otherwise.

2

empty fruit written by nora pollard a boy with two new buds under her shirt in line at the bank, a chest ache, glancing

and rubbing discreetly, lost but wishing someone is catching sight of her growing.

dna is the longest chain we know of, what could come without it? Or with, what new fruit could my body become in specialty made viral panic? Stealing from the sun like so much life, finding injuries already pregnant with new adaption tearing old painlessly these growths I could hide without knowing, others feeling them only when they turn away, I'm breaking rules they can't imagine I am so many empty fruit

4

GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS

An interview with my favorite queer couple, McKinsey and Tori how did you know you were queer? mck: i don’t remember a distinct “aha” moment. my freshman year of high school, though, i completely fell in love with a girl (my current girlfriend, by the way), which, yknow, is pretty gay. tori: in middle school, i loved to wear a baggy t shirt over this really tight tank top, which i later realized inadvertently bound and hid my chest- THAT’S when i knew i was genderqueer. also in middle school, this foolish girl pulled a chair out from under me, so we became friends (obviously). i began to fall in love with her humor, her kindness, and the way her hair smelled... yeah, that’s when i knew i was super gay.

what’s the best part about being in a queer relationship? mck: if i had to give specific pros of being queer and being in the type of relationship i am in- i’d say the similar level of emotional expression. it’s because this concept tends to be associated with feminine energy (it’s scientific but also kind of a stereotype and unfortunately also related to a societal stifling of male emotion)... but it’s all feeeeelings and i love it. being more open about how you’re feeling, especially during rough patches, really allows for a deeper and sturdier relationship. it’s not at all that you CAN’T have this in a straight relationship... that would be completely wrong. i’m just saying- never underestimate the power of the feminine divine. what else? oh, sharing clothes is great. yeah. tori: definitely sharing clothes: every time i visit mck (we’re long distance) i loot her wardrobe. i’m not kidding- in these pictures, i’m wearing her crop top, skirt, and probably some underwear. we’ve also experienced some conflicts together that straight couples don’t normally have to deal with, which has made our relationship stronger in one way or another.

6

what’s the hardest best about being in a queer relationship? mck: its 2018! i’m so happy and grateful to be alive in this time. acceptance and pride is EVERYWHERE and i’ve really had a great experience with being queer in this day and age. but, as a society, we’re still not perfect whatsoever. even me, who has grown up in an accepting, loving community, still feels the weight of underlying stigmas around being in a gay relationship. it’s the little everyday things that I CONSTANTLY see “normal couples” do that i sometimes feel self conscious about. whenever these thoughts creep in, I feel guilty about stifling myself or not being “proud” enough, but then that feeling turns to anger because why should I be the one who has to think twice? but the good news is, with age i’m learning that it’s not my fault that i feel this way, and i’m more and more confident in myself. i’m always learning. like i said, my experience has overall been a very good one!! and i know for a fact that the pros will always drastically outway the cons tori: the hardest thing about being in a queer relationship is the little things. I’d rather not be worrying about the glances and stares at our holding hands when we’re out on a date, you know? or wondering if our relationship will be respected by certain friends and family members. it’s like the world’s telling you, “you’re different!”

best advice you could give to a younger queer person? mck: never beat yourself up or feel guilty about how you’re feeling. you need to be your own best friend first. everything you’re experiencing is valid, so be kind to yourself! do it all your own way. you don’t need to put a label on who you are. tell who you want, when you want. be open minded and ready to accept new parts of yourself. this is your life, so live your truth the best you can, because doing your best is all you can do. tori: doubting your identity is totally normal; ride it out, and don’t feel pressured to settle on one thing and stick to it. people are naturally, constantly changing. if you change more than others, or feel unsure, so be it! it’s ALL valid. be kind to yourself, and love yourself, because you deserve it

10

“Paradigm”

Both pieces are oil paintings done by artist Chelsea Ngum from Oahu, Hawaii.

Background photo by Sam Bowerman

“Emulsion”

12

:( Too worried to give out soft blessings, scared sprout, “I love your hair! Your smile is amazing I like the color on your eyes� my mouth can't cast them right, I'll toe lines in bad ways I'll disgust and impure dust and moth coat will fall from me in a curse as i sit in my fallout the glow of girls unlike me, lovebound and lightening till their feet float up I am too wilting I was never let to grow here, the sweetest carbons you've never seen, i do not trust myself i have been told to not trust myself

submitted by nora pollard

14

“

”

16

Background photo by Sam Bowerman

18

free by mck

it was excuse after excuse, for a while tears dripping onto the school bathroom tile girls would talk about loving boys to death as i smiled, nodding, holding my breath my heart would beat fast, the silence growing thick as a friend would ask “what do you think?” “who do you like, mck?” “guys, i don’t want to play truth or dare.” twirling and twirling and twirling my hair wait, i’m not ashamed, am i? i want to tell my friends but i don’t want to cry

and with loving parents always willing to chat what kind of daughter would keep a secret like that?

No. all this time spent so tightly wound… why should MY heart be the one to pound? i live my truth. i go at a pace of my own. i know for a fact that i’m not alone. i perpetually drift, not in a box on a shelf because i know it’s the biggest favor i can do for myself

Photo by Sam Bowerman

will things be different now? definitely! two words: uninhibited vibrancy. i can breathe, i can dance whenever i choose to take a chance there’s so much work i still need to do but i guess no one’s ever really through but i won’t live in a world where i grow pale simply because my love’s not male i had to wither in order to thrive because the love that once crushed me now keeps me alive and that friend from before? now i happily tell her how i love the person, not the gender

because if i’ve always seen her as a work of art how would you expect me to not follow my heart?

20

there is instead suppression, guilt, and fear. Conversion therapy is a way to try to “eradicate” feelings and knowledge of being gay. I have heard techniques being used such as pinching yourself whenever you have a gay thought, being physically and verbalTo whom it may concern, ly abused to banish one's thoughts, and in extreme My name is Andi Kirk. I am a cases electroshock thera17 year old student from py. As a queer teenager the Honolulu, a part of the idea of having to do these LGBTQ community, and I am things simply for something strongly in favour of as innocent as a crush terSB270. rifies me and reminds me to be thankful that I have a As someone who attends regu- supportive family. lar therapy weekly I know that the purpose of it is to I had only heard about this self reflect, self motivate, bill a few months ago and and finally accept oneself was horrified to learn that all while developing coping the forced conversion therastrategies to deal with dif- py of minors was still legal ficult situations. The same here, but I was also hopeful goes for physical therapy, for the change that was animal therapy, etc. Overall about to come. As a queer the purpose of therapy is to teenager, coming out was a make yourself stronger as nerve wracking experience well as be able to recognize that thankfully ended with your weaknesses. the love and support of my family. Some of my peers Although I have never perwere not as lucky. I rememsonally experienced the ef- ber sending a message out on fects of conversion therapy social media about how I have read about the conshocked I was that forcing troversy surrounding minors to participate in it. Conversion therapy and conversion therapy was still especially the forced conlegal here. The response I version therapy of minors is got back from my fellow not at all therapy. Instead LGBTQ friends was one of of self motivation and the fear and outrage. I find ability to make oneself this to be reminiscent of stronger despite weaknesses the Native Hawaiian Aikane

THIS IS A COPY OF ANDI KIRK’S TESTIMONY IN SUPPORT OF ENDING CONVERSION THERAPY.

and Mahus I had learned about in history class. We now face similar practices of conversion therapy and are forced to change who we are in the name of westernized religion and politics.

I have spent the last few months convincing my friends that this bill will pass. I have wiped away their tears, soothed their anxieties, and echoed their outrage. After explaining the controversy of conversion therapy to one of my closest friends, a trans girl, she called me crying and said that if her parents ever sent her to one of these places she would kill herself at the front door.

I received similar responses to that from friends whose families couldn’t accept their gender or sexuality. It saddened me to see my peers this way: fearful, angry, and even suicidal. Those with more supportive families, such as myself, tried to calm them by offering them places to stay, trying to talk to their parents, and staying up all night trying to talk them down from self destructive behavior. Although this sense of community and love was heartwarming it saddened me as well. As minors we do

not feel safe having to turn to our peers for support and safety instead of our surrounding community, parents, and other family.

As minors we do not feel safe with the threat of being brainwashed, degraded, and told everything we know about ourselves is wrong. As minors we do not feel safe with the idea of being forced to go to conversion therapy. With LGBTQ suicide, depression, and bullying rates already much higher than those for our cis, straight counterparts we should do everything possible to love and encourage our keiki instead of allow programs like conversion therapy to stifle and degrade them.

If SB270 passes it will not only strengthen the love and support surrounding us in the LGBTQ community, but it will also protect us from abuse and suppression at the hands of strangers.

Minors should be able to grow up here feeling safe and should be able to choose whether they want to attend conversion therapy in the future. Something as innocent as love, whether it is love for your community, your partner, or yourself should be able to exist freely without suppression.

22

“Coming Out”

Anonymous I’m 7, I’ve been kicked out of the girls bathroom, For being different, For being “queer”.

I hold open the door for Zoe Barnes, Crystal blue eyes blonde bob, I’m in love.

I’m bombarded with hand soap and paper towels, I go home sore from girls ripping out my hair, I don’t know what lesbian means.

I’m 9, I don’t understand the other fourth grade girls, But I know I was awake when one kissed me.

Laughter, The rest of them wake me up and tell me what happened, I pretend to be disgusted when really I’m overjoyed.

I’m in love.

We settle down and for the night and I try to hold hands with the girl, I still don’t know what lesbian means, But then I sleep.

I’m 11, I watch porn in the late hours of the night, My bubbling adolescence mixed with the scientific study of sexuality is apparent.

24

I cry, I lie awake at night wondering how I can avoid sex with a man, But then I discover a new genre of the forbidden media I study.

I’m in love.

The twisting naked bodies over-exaggerated and under-pleasured, I stare at the two women on screen fucking and faking orgasms, I breathe a sigh of relief.

I’m 13, I come out to my best friend a girl with pink hair, We giggle when she says she loves me.

I stare, She loves Doctor Who and spicy ramen and I fall head over heels, I shiver when she kisses the back of my neck.

I’m in love.

We sleep side by side avoiding our parents watchful eye, I brush her hair behind her ear and seal our secret with a kiss, I finally know what that word means.

26

28

TUMBLR: GRRRLCOUCH.TUMBLR.COM INSTAGRAM: @GRRRLCOUCH ISSUU: ISSUU.COM/ GRRRLCOUCH

RELEASED JUNE 2018 AS VOL. #4