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being yellow an exhibition by Heidi Peng
works on display
mr. panda rusting machine in the dark consolation no. 3 a favor fever + water in the cards mosquito bites nail biter meet yumi father + mother an island in sweden chapter 49
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mr. panda They kept me warm until I could handle the cold on my own This is the first illustration featured in the entire book, and it is incidentally the first illustration I drew. “mr. panda” directly references the panda toy I received from my grandmother when I was 4, and I still have him with me today. Additionally, my stuffed animal collection really took off after I got this panda.
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rusting machine The well-oiled machine I call my home is crumbling around me This is the final illustration in the book, and it attempts to capture just how much the mental and emotional strain of my work has impacted me as a person. As a result of constantly sacrificing parts of myself to fit into the ideals that others place upon me, I often feel like I am the shell of my former self and empty inside.
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in the dark The darkness always stares back
This illustration is the ninth chapter of the book and displays my pervasive fear of the dark. Since childhood, I have never been able to sleep with the lights completely off, as I will often see (or imagine) faces in the dark. This fear of the dark has also fed into my troubling insomnia, which still plagues me to this day.
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consolation no. 3 À mon ami, Chopin
Compared to most young Asian Americans, I started playing the piano because I fell in love with its sound; however, I was never a very studious pianist, and I lost my passion for the instrument soon after picking it up. Even so, I will never regret learning how to play because it gave me a greater appreciation of music.
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a favor Do yourself a favor, and kill yourself This is arguably my favorite illustration in the book and is the first drawing in the “angry yellow” section. But because of its dark thematic elements, it was also one of the most difficult to draw. It attempts to depict feelings of suicidal ideation, and I also wanted to capture a sense of emptiness and purposelessness.
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fever + water You told me if he could do it, I could do it, too I swam for a little under seven years, and throughout that entire time, I never felt like I belonged in the water. My days as a swimmer only made me feel shackled to it, but I always thought being in water should feel freeing. Thus, this illustration features a young me floating aimlessly in the murky waters of a dark abyss.
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in the cards It only takes 14 cards to win it all
Growing up, my parents taught me and my sister numerous card games, and one of our favorites was mahjong. Compared to the many darker illustrations in the book, “in the cards” attempts to bring some laughter and joy back into my childhood memories. Playing mahjong also frequently made me feel extremely lucky.
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mosquito bites I am not blind to my own affliction
My first ever pimple formed in conjunction with my first period, and it’s no secret, I was utterly crushed. I had always hated my nose, and my skin blemishes only amplified my my insecurities. But I’m tired of hiding behind a forced smile, and this photo illustration was a way for me to combat, yet simultaneously accept, my faults.
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nail biter It stings, but it’s satisfying to see nothing but ugly stubs Up until 2020, I was known as an anxious nail biter. And the uncontrollable destruction of my nails was always fueled by an upcoming deadline or stress. But I hated how they made my hands look, how much it stung. Thus, in Spring 2020, I stopped biting my nails and resorted to other... destructive coping mechanisms.
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meet yumi Just a bitch raising another bitch
In 2015, my parents finally decided to let us get a dog, and I immediately knew I wanted a Shiba Inu. While I orginally wanted a black and white shibe, we ended up choosing Yumi (originally named Celeste). She’s not the most obedient dog, but that’s what makes her so perfect for the Peng family and for me.
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father + mother I could not grasp how you could love me Although it may not seem like it, I love the relationship I have with my parents. They allow me to be independent, and they help keep me grounded. But it has taken a lot to get to where we are today, and this story was a way for me to both acknowledge the mistakes I made growing up as well as confront my parents.
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an island in sweden I promise that one day, I’ll get you that island During the Summer of 2015, my parents and I took a Baltic and/ or Scandinavian cruise, and that was when the “island in sweden” promise was made. While sailing past the Stockholm archipelago, I mused about how when I finally became a millionaire, I would buy my parents an island. To this day, I hope I can keep that promise.
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dear you, It’s okay now. I can take it from here. I’ve always struggled with who I am as a person. Nothing I do is ever right. Or good enough. But through this whole process, I’ve come to recognize how cruel I can be to myself, and I wanted to dedicate a story to the vulnerable and unfiltered me. This letter was a fitting way to end a book, and I both loved, and hated, writing it.
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from me to you Thank you for coming to the “being yellow” exhibition It’s difficult to put into words what this exhibition has meant to me, but if I had to choose three adjectives, they would be (1) Anxious, (2) Ambitious and (3) Yellow. And I’m not joking. This project was one of the most anxiety-inducing and stressful experiences of my life, yet I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Despite the consistent 20 hour days and 2 am breakdowns, I’m so grateful to have had the opportunity and ability to put on this exhibition, which was also incredibly ambitious. Framing everything and putting together each exhibition component was honestly a bitch and a half. But for some reason, I feel like I
could’ve done even more? (I’m just gonna tuck that thought into the corner of my brain and forget about it though). Most importantly, however, this exhibition was surely yellow, and I loved getting to share my story with the world. I cannot thank you enough for joining me on this journey, and I hope you enjoyed the show.