The Issue of Female Sexuality by Help! I have a desperate problem

The Issue of Female Sexuality Is it just boys who “can’t help themselves”?

Generation Sex: Irish Women — Madonnas or Whores? Norma Costello, for The Sunday Independent, 22 September 2014

In Ireland, the Catholic Church oppressed women and their sexuality for generations, but do Irish women these days face another oppressor: other women? And is the pressure to be an oversexed ‘new woman’ just as damaging as the sexual repression of the past? Norma Costello speaks to some young Irish women who just want to feel pleasure without being called ‘sluts’ or ‘skanks’ and do not wish to have their sexuality dictated to them. Temple Bar after midnight and a drunk girl is ‘shifting’ a guy in the square while a passer-by grabs her ass and shouts, “Nice one,” for the world to hear. She turns and laughs before picking up where she left off and the night continues. I’ve seen this too many times. I’m not a prude, or an Irish mammy in the making, but these scenes propel me to the uncomfortable realisation that women here are a confused lot; caught somewhere between the image of the virgin mother or the town bike. As our phones become extensions of our hands, every woman who lets the side down on a Harcourt Street dance floor is fodder for our beloved sport of online ‘slut-shaming’. Two clicks and her image is blasted across cyberspace; a permanent marker for a split-second lapse of judgment. ‘Slane Girl’ was the embodiment of this. A clearly intoxicated teenage girl caught on camera carrying out a sex act on a gloating man, while a bunch of youths jeered around them at last year’s Eminem concert in Slane Castle. ‘Slane Girl’ ended up sedated in hospital. The boy probably got a few free pints. You don’t have to be a sociologist to see there is a huge level of hypocrisy in a society that not only permits, but encourages, this ‘boys will be boys’ attitude towards sexuality, while Irish women continue to face much harsher judgment. Women who succumb to overtly sexual behaviour are usually labelled ‘skanks’ and ‘slappers’ while men are ‘legends’. The simple truth is that Irish women are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. The media projects us as sexual predators, flaunting designer handbags and having threesomes while, in reality, we often navigate a difficult path between ‘frigid prude’ and ‘easy slapper’. Zara Cassidy Cross (24) is part of an emerging set of Irish women who feel they are perpetually conned by inaccurate sexual ideals.“I feel like an awful trick is being played on women these days,” she says. “If you talk about sexuality openly, you’re deemed a ‘new woman’, but I hate this idea of the oversexed modern woman; it’s so exaggerated. This concept of a ‘new woman’ has become a sort of safe phrase for women who want to talk about sex but in a totally abnormal way,” she said. Zara feels our association between modernity, progress, and this new, seemingly empowered, type of female sexuality is leading to a lot of confusion among young women. “There’s nothing new about female sexuality,” she says. “It has always been there. We’re not ‘new’ women. We haven’t grown new limbs or anything. It’s a hyper-sexualised media construct. A columnist brags that they ‘slept with 20 men before the age of 26’, and we’re all supposed to bow down to her. Sorry if I don’t find that appealing, and I think there’s a lot of young women like me.”Zara feels frustrated by cultural perceptions of women who discuss their sexuality in Ireland: “I’ve never had issues talking about sexuality. It’s normal behaviour, but I don’t have to be a mouthpiece for other people’s ideals to do it, or subscribe to some set idea of what sexuality should be. We have to remember that, throughout history, women always talked about sex. As a society, we need to change our attitudes and accept this,” she says, “rather than seeing it as a hip, new 21st-Century phenomenon, stuck in the set parameters of the idea of the highly sexual woman. We need to stop being ‘new women’ and start just being women.” Zara raises the interesting point that, far from the old stereotype of the Catholic Irish girl adhering to the dictum of the church, young women now are under more pressure to be sexually active. “It’s not that long ago since the dance halls were the place to be at the weekend and look at how quickly things changed,” she says.

I’VE BEEN GOING OUT WITH MY BOYFRIEND FOR FIVE YEARS AND WE SEE EACH OTHER ONCE A WEEK. I’M AGAINST HAVING SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE AND HE AGREES WITH ME, BUT HE WILL STILL AROUSE ME WITH HEAVY PETTING EACH TIME TILL I GET UPSET AND HAVE TO PULL AWAY FROM HIM. HE ALWAYS APOLOGISES AND SAYS HE IS SORRY, BUT BECAUSE HE LOVES ME SO MUCH HE CAN’T HELP IT. IF HE REALLY LOVES ME, SURELY HE WOULDN’T DO IT AS HE KNOWS HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT.

Of course he loves you, the evidence is all there. He would never apologise so affectionately if he didn’t, or, worse, he wouldn’t stop when you wanted. You’d have a tight-lipped, accusing row instead that would make you feel humiliated and confused. One or two of these and you’d never see him again. Try to understand that it’s his sexuality that angers you, not any lack of feeling behind it. Look at the direction your relationship is going. Do you plan to get married, or are you drifting along in an uncommitted way? Five years of increasing closeness ought to be leading somewhere. If he doesn’t discuss this, you should. Marriage preparation classes have a session on how to cope with the tensions of sexuality in a long-term relationship. This will help you both in this deadlock and ease your own guilt that makes you unhappy. Until then, try to get out of the habit of being alone so much. — September 1984

LAST WEEK, MY BOYFRIEND ASKED ME WAS I ‘SEXY’. I DID NOT TELL HIM, AS I DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IT MEANS, AND IF YOU ARE ‘SEXY’, WHAT DO YOU FEEL?

I think that what that boyfriend probably meant was whether or not you would allow him to feel ‘sexy’ about you. That means that he would behave to you almost as though you were married, but with one very important difference. A husband and wife love one another. That’s why they got married. A boyfriend who wants physical intimacy with his girl, without bothering about marriage is showing neither love nor friendliness. But he is showing strong symptoms of selfishness, and also of a strange, callous lack of appreciation of you, as a person. The question was insulting. A boy worth calling a boyfriend would know, through his affection for you and knowledge for you, what you were really like. He would not be interested in applying to you a term which is usually used to describe people of poor moral standards or careless personal behaviour. For ‘sexy’ means that you’re interested in sex, or physical intimacy for its own sake. — June 1965

PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PEOPLE MEAN WHEN THEY TALK OF A ‘TRIAL MARRIAGE’.

‘Trial marriage’ means trying out sexual relations before marriage. This is really only an excuse for sexual indulgence, though the people who go in for such trial marriages say they are “trying to find out if they suit each other sexually”. As sexual intercourse before marriage produces different emotional reactions than that which takes place between married people, the so-called “trial marriage” proves nothing. It should also be pointed out that those who indulge in sexual intercourse outside marriage run a great risk of contracting venereal disease. — September 1967

It is such a sad thing to see girls allowing themselves to be exploited merely for the sake of a lustful experience rather than to have the patience and control to develop a really good friendship within which loyalty, faithfulness and trustworthiness are developed and admired. These are qualities so important in marriage and those who condone irresponsible relationships before marriage are encouraging the continuance of such irresponsibility when they are married.

â&#x20AC;&#x201D;â&#x20AC;&#x2030;August 1974

Doctors do tend to differ on this matter. If you are determined to have intercourse then you will need some reliable method of family planning. The exact form as you know can vary but the pill is considered most reliable but not necessarily the safest. If you insist on using this method, then you should seek help from another doctor, but do have a general medical check-up first, which would be usual when going on the pill for the first time. If there is a medical reason why you should not have, your doctor will tell you and then it is up to you to take his medical advice on the matter. The moral issue as you said is your own decision. â&#x20AC;&#x201D;â&#x20AC;&#x2030;August 1984

I AM A GIRL AND I AM NEARLY FOURTEEN. I HAD FRENCH KISSING WITH ANOTHER GIRL JUST FOR FUN. COULD THIS LEAD TO PREGNANCY?

Straight answer to crooked question: No. Now the pair of you would want to get wise to yourselves. If you’re prepared to experiment, “for fun”, with something you obviously don’t understand at all, you’re not just a pair of stupid babies, but two ignorant little girls who know well that something is wrong and are still prepared to find out what it feels like. Forget about this stupid fun of yours, and the next time you want to know something, ask someone older, and wise than yourselves. It’s time you started asking! — May 1966

LAST YEAR I MET SUCH A NICE OLDER WOMAN AND WE BECAME FRIENDS, THEN ONE NIGHT SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE’D HAD A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MARRIED WOMAN AND WANTED TO HAVE ONE WITH ME. WE DID. SOON SHE WANTED TO BREAK IT OFF AND BEGAN ACTING STRANGELY, THOUGH WE CONTINUED SEEING EACH OTHER, THEN OUT OF THE BLUE SHE RANG ME AT MY OFFICE AND TOLD ME SHE NEVER WANTED TO SEE ME AGAIN. WHEN I WROTE SHE THREATENED TO TELL MY PARENTS ABOUT US. WHAT WILL I DO?

You’d better begin by facing up to the fact that she took advantage of you all along. Probably your main attraction lay in your innocence and when that was gone, the novelty value of seducing you wore off. She sounds a dangerous woman to have around and though it doesn’t seem like it now, you are lucky that she tired of you so quickly. You are left with a highly aroused response (and attraction?) to your own sex, guaranteed to bring unhappiness and isolation if you label yourself in your mind as a lesbian. You are still very young, with wider choices ahead than that, so long as you don’t build this up as the major love story in your life. It isn’t. I’m afraid you were just badly used by someone who should have known better. — October 1979

I AM 16 YEARS OF AGE AND I WORK AS A SHOP ASSISTANT IN DUBLIN. I AM VERY WORRIED ABOUT SOMETHING AND WONDER IF YOU CAN HELP ME. I HAVE A FOREWOMAN AND AT FIRST I THOUGHT SHE WAS BEING FRIENDLY WITH ME. BUT LAST WEEK SHE KISSED ME, AND YESTERDAY SHE ASKED ME WOULD I GO HOME TO HER FLAT AND SLEEP WITH HER. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Well, I think the first thing you must do is absolutely refuse to go anywhere with her. This is not normal behaviour, but when you are a little older you’ll realise there are a lot of women in the world like her. They are unfortunate misfits, trying to squeeze out some kind of happiness for themselves. For your own sake, I must tell you that women of this kind rarely take a hint; you will probably have to show her very definitely that you are just not interested at all; before she will let you alone, and even then you will have to be careful, and try never to be alone with her. I don’t suppose you are the only girl in the shop she has been interested in, and maybe when you make a good friend there you can confide in her. At the moment it might be dangerous to tell the other assistants about this woman’s overtures with you. Don’t forget your suspicions, but you must be sensible about them, and realise that you have to work under this woman. Your rejection of her may make her angry, or upset, and you will have to risk her showing her displeasure in various ways. You will have to very grown-up about it, quiet and practical, but if you find that her attentions continue to the point of really upsetting you, you will have to tell somebody who can help you by warning her off. Try to be careful who you tell. It will have to be someone who will take you seriously, and who will not talk to anyone else about it. But I feel it will not come to this; once you let this woman see, quite definitely, that you do not share her tendencies, I expect you will be left alone. — May 1965

I AM VERY TROUBLED BY THE ACTIONS OF A CERTAIN GIRL IN OUR NEIGHBOURHOOD. SHE IS WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL A PROSTITUTE AND SHE HAS LED VERY MANY OF THE YOUNG MEN HERE INTO SIN. MAYBE THIS IS NO BUSINESS OF MINE BUT I SINCERELY FEEL THAT IT IS MY CHRISTIAN DUTY TO INFORM YOU OF HER ACTIONS. I WOULD LIKE IF YOU WOULD TELL ME HOW I CAN PUT A STOP TO HER BEHAVIOUR. SHE IS ABOUT 18 YEARS OF AGE, AND I WANT YOU TO TELL ME, TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITY, HOW I MIGHT HELP HER.

You seem very certain, indeed, that what you say of this girl is true. You should realise that if young men visit her it’s because they want to, not because she forces them to. The only way to let her see you want to help her is to show her kindness and friendliness. If she accepts your friendship you will be able to direct her gradually. Complaining about her, or even self-righteous criticism, will get you nowhere. Such a young girl is hardly set in a pattern of life, and if her circumstances could be altered her attitudes might also change. — May 1970

I HAVE HAD SEX WITH SEVERAL BOYFRIENDS SINCE I BEGAN DATING AND HAVE NEVER REACHED AN ORGASM. I AM TWENTY-NINE NOW AND WONDER IF THERE’S A POSSIBILITY THAT BECAUSE I NEVER GOT THE BEST OUT OF SEX, I AM UNABLE TO CONCEIVE? I HEARD A FRIEND TALKING ABOUT THIS AND HINTING THERE WAS DEFINITELY SOMETHING IN IT.

There’s nothing in it! I’ll bet that was why she was so vague. If this was how the human race reproduced itself, Ireland would be graphically underpopulated because sexuality in women has been repressed for centuries. The fact is you can become pregnant the first time you have sex, even if you hate every single minute of it. Don’t tell me rape victims have orgasms, because that’s the natural conclusion of your argument. Yet it’s not uncommon to become pregnant after being raped, painful and terrifying an experience though it is. Reproduction can’t afford to be as selective as that, or the human species might die out. No, you should be wide awake to the risk of your own fertility, and take precautions if you want to avoid having a baby. Incidentally, the pressure of guilt and furtiveness on pre-marital sex for women frequently makes it unexciting. I suspect you need the security and trust of a married relationship before your mind lets your body enjoy itself. — August 1984

Give it up! Don’t have intercourse anymore because you have no right to do it outside marriage. Can’t you see that if all those who feel like it think they can have sexual intercourse whether they are married or not, there is going to be a tremendous amount of exploitation! — August 1974

I suggest you stop reading what I have to say. I feel terribly sorry for you and for the boys and girls you speak of. I am absolutely certain that there is no such thing as free love. You have to pay the bill later and it can be a tragic expense. You have a free will and of course you can go your own way, but do consider the consequences before running headlong into tragedy. â&#x20AC;&#x201D;â&#x20AC;&#x2030;January 1971

Agony Aunt columns: Taken from Brand New Retro blog and Womanâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Way archives at the National Library of Ireland Photos: Designerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s own Various quotes from an accompanying film, interviewing Irish women of different ages

Generation Sex: Irish Women — Madonnas or Whores? Norma Costello, for The Sunday Independent, 22 September 2014

“A few decades ago, women couldn’t go out on a Saturday night wearing what they wanted. Our great-grandparents didn’t go out and get drunk at the weekends. A cultural historian would say all of this behaviour is relatively recent.” For Zara, a lot of our current sexual mores are a knee-jerk reaction to an over-arching Catholic tradition whose reach is still visible... For decades, Irish women’s sexual mores were governed ruthlessly from Rome, but now we’re taking over the role of sexual oppressor all by ourselves. It seems like we are all suspended in other people’s ideas of what it means to be a woman in contemporary Ireland. We all looked shining in our communion dresses but now, according to some, we’re more into leather and meeting strangers for dogging sessions in car parks. Failing that, we’re so locked into an idea of appearing ‘slutty’ that we utterly repress our basic sexual urges. The outcome of allowing others to dictate our sexuality was painfully highlighted in a conversation I had with a male friend. One night, over a few beers, he announced: “Girls don’t wank”. When I asked him where he got such an idea,he said with blind conviction a girl he had dated told him so. Instead of feeling angry at his stupidity to fall for such a clear lie, I felt sorry for the woman who felt compelled to tell it. What had happened to this woman, where she suddenly felt being in a relationship meant denying her own sexuality entirely? How did we end up with all these frustrated women who don’t masturbate, but might give it all up in a drunken stupor on the floor of in a city-centre nightclub? Colette Nolan (31), from Kildare, says our thwarted relationship with female sexuality is down to a culture of silence and lack of good sex education. “I went to a Catholic school with no formal sex education,” Colette says. “Sex is something that still isn’t talked about in an honest way here. That silence breeds a horrible ignorance, and with Catholicism there’s the guilt and shame too.” For Colette, the absence of any discussion on sexual pleasure made her feel isolated and confused when she couldn’t experience any. “I honestly didn’t know how to experience pleasure,” Colette says. “When I did I was confused because it wasn’t through intercourse. I thought there was something wrong with me. When I did have sex, it was sore, so I went to a nurse and told her. She said there was nothing wrong with me and to go home.”Colette’s experience left her confused and upset. She quickly realised asking questions related to her sexuality was an isolating experience.“The whole thing really angered me,” she says. “Fair enough, you don’t get any information on your body from Catholic school, but for a female healthcare professional to treat someone who is clearly vulnerable like that... the whole thing is just wrong. Irish sex education, or lack of, led me to a really vulnerable place, wide open, not knowing what I was doing, I completely left out my own pleasure and just did what was expected of me.” Talking to myriad Irish women has led me to the conclusion there’s not a whole lot out there in terms of accessible discussion on women’s sexual pleasure. The Catholic hangover still rages, as women desperately try to construct a new sexual identity in contemporary Ireland. A friend of mine complained recently that female sexual pleasure has always been hijacked, whether it’s by men, the Church or the media. There is usually an umbrella group waiting in the wings to tell us the ‘right way’ to have sex as women. There is also massive objectification to contend with and whether or not our sexuality has always been part of the patriarchal male narrative. Lucy Shah (27), from Dublin, carried out research on Irish women who identified as bisexual. Lucy feels bisexual women face a huge level of judgment and prejudice in Ireland for not fitting into a socially acceptable sexuality. “Bisexual females had the most negative self-perception,” she says. “In my opinion, it’s because of set ideas on female sexuality. If a guy hears you’re bisexual, he’ll proposition you for a threesome. Often lesbians think we’re bowing down to the patriarchy and a lot of people think we’re just non-committal and need to ‘pick a side’. Everyone wants to tell bisexual women the ‘right way’ to be sexual. It’s bullshit. But, at the end of day, as a woman, there’s always going to be a group trying to control you. If you’re straight, people say that you should conform to the traditional idea of what a woman is, and if you’re gay, you should conform to that stereotype. It’s reductive, I hate the idea of having to fit into a box. We’re all just humans. We’re just trying to live our lives.” It appears the repression and shame of our Catholic past has given way to confused ‘new women’ of today. It might be time to step back and realise our common humanity instead of grappling with unrealistic stereotypes.