The Issue of Rape Culture by Help! I have a desperate problem

The Issue of Rape Culture How to be, and not be, a victim

The UCD 200, and then some Teresa Coyne, for her blog So Robotic, 6 February 2016

The College Tribune published an article about a Facebook Messenger group, in which approx 200 male students shared stories, ratings and pictures of girls they had been involved with sexually. At first, I felt that familiar bubble of rage in my stomach. Another day, another story of women being shamed. But it played on my mind, it had me in tears, and reading the tweets of so many other women who felt the same rage made me feel physically sick. See, I am exhausted. I am tired of being angry. I am tired of fighting, the debating, ignoring the trolls. I am bored of being told what to do, what not to do, how to act, dress, speak, where I should go and when. So utterly fed up of being told I am a ‘feminazi’, that I am not seeing the joke, that it’s just ‘banter’, a word I will forever see as a hideous blight on the English language. It’s exactly this sort of thing that hurts and wears me out most of all, because it has somehow become not only socially acceptable, but normal. Hell, even encouraged in some peer groups. The people who call this kind of behaviour ‘banter’, maybe they do really believe that. Which is sad, that they have so little respect for fellow human beings and such scant regard for the feelings of others. On the other hand, for those that try and veil their nauseating misogyny with the term are knowingly doing wrong, and cowarding behind the word and the laddish mob mentality. And frighteningly enough, I don’t know which is worse. In the article, one male tried to defend the group by saying that it wasn’t just Ag Science students, but that all men’s group chats are like this — as if somehow that makes it okay? Some twerp said this, out of his third level educated mouth, to be quoted, like it was a perfectly fine excuse. So if it becomes okay for these lads to objectify and disrespect women in a very large peer group, what is stopping this spilling over into their real lives? Clearly, they have no issue hiding their disdain for the consent or dignity of the women they victimised when hiding behind a screen. I don’t want to bring conjecture into this, there’s already enough fear in this behaviour alone, but in a group of lads trying to out-lad each other, just how far will they go? How much would they degrade a woman for their ‘banter’? How little do they care for consent? There have been arguments blaming social media. But it’s far too easy to place blame on technology, and shrug it off, instead of addressing the rape culture so prevalent in our society. This is by no means new, it’s just all the easier to do. When I was 16, I slept with someone at my debs. Someone who frankly, didn’t really deserve to. I was a nerd in school, I had the self-esteem of a soggy cabbage, and I was eaten up with the teenage cliché that everyone was doing it. I very much viewed my first time as something to get out of the way and done with, and I genuinely felt at the time ‘well, beggars can’t be choosers’ — which makes me want to shake sense into/console 16 year old me. But we “did a do” as I like to put it, because it was exactly that mundane. It wasn’t painful like Bliss magazine always warned it would be, and as my mother suggested, I have years of horse riding to thank for that. What was painful, however, was the aftermath. He told everyone in his own school, and as many people as possible in my school (I was in an all girls convent). The juiciest detail at the time was that he didn’t use a condom — he did — but it was told like this was some kind of brag. Someone got their photos developed, including one of me and him sat beside each other some hours before we even kissed, a perfectly innocent and happy coincidence. Multiples were made and passed around and pictured messaged. He was seen as a stud, a proper champ. It was a boost to him, it was a good thing. On the other hand, I was made to feel ashamed. Called a slut. Laughed at on the school bus, jeered while people shoved the photos into my face while I tried to bury my embarrassment in my jacket. Oh, I was still a nerd, sure! But I was a slut nerd. I was a peculiar brand of oxymoron. I got no high fives. I got no kudos. I spent the next three weeks ignoring teachers while I felt sick with fear I was pregnant, convincing myself maybe he didn’t use a condom, that yes, I was disgusting, and I definitely deserved the lot and more.

MY BOYFRIEND MAKES LOVE TO ME ALL DURING THE PICTURES EVERY TIME WE GO TO A FILM. WHILE I FEEL EXCITED BY THIS, I AM EMBARRASSED ABOUT GOING ON LIKE THIS IN A PUBLIC SPACE. YET I LOVE HIM AND DON’T WANT TO LOSE HIM BY BEING TOO PRIM AND PROPER.

Boys who take their girlfriends to the films, or anywhere else, and behave like this are displaying selfish lust, not love… The shame so many girls feel about such behaviour is the instinctive reaction of a good girl to guide her purity. — November 1963

I HAVE BEEN GOING OUT WITH A BOY OF 24, I AM 18. MY PROBLEM IS THAT HE GIVES ME EXPENSIVE PRESENTS BUT HE ALSO EXPECTS ME TO GO IN FOR HEAVY PETTING. I AM SCARED BUT HE IS SO KIND AND ALSO I DON’T WANT TO LOSE HIM.

Here’s a Greek bearing gifts if ever I saw one. Next time he trots out the chocolate box, smile sweetly and wave it away firmly. Tell him the price is too high. Frankly it could be a case of “pet now, pay later”. Find another boy — poorer but honest. — July 1965

LAST YEAR I MET A BOY AT A DANCE AND HE WAS VERY NICE. I HAD TWO DATES WITH HIM, BUT THE SECOND DATE WAS A LITTLE MESSED UP AS FAR AS LOVE WAS CONCERNED. I TOLD HIM I LOVED HIM AND HE SAID I SHOULD PROVE IT. WELL IT TOOK A LOT OF PERSUASION BUT I FINALLY GAVE IN TO HIM AND I THOUGHT I WAS DONE FOR. THE NEXT NIGHT I HAD A DATE WITH HIM AND I WENT. HE WENT WITH ANOTHER GIRL AND IT NEARLY BROKE MY HEART. SINCE THEN I HAVE GONE OUT OF DANCES WITH HIM SEVERAL TIMES AND EVERY TIME I GO OUT OF A DANCE TO THE CAR WITH HIM HE SEEMS TO EXPECT FROM ME AS BEFORE. IS HE TAKING ME OUT FOR WHAT HE CAN GET AND DID HE JUST LEAVE ME THERE BECAUSE I ALLOWED HIM TAKE ADVANTAGE? I DON’T SEE HIM OFTEN, ONLY ONCE OR TWICE A MONTH.

I’m surprised that anyone falls for that old “Prove it” gag these times. All you’ve proved is that you were an easy mark. Of course, he’s only asking you out to the car for what he can get. If you’re prepared to go on “proving your love” indefinitely the results could be tragic. Next time he looks for a courting session, take off to the other end of the hall and stay there. The Exit sign has a bad effect on your resolution. — November 1965

I don’t need to warn them now that you have done so! I, too, have seen girls running after men, ready to do anything they think will “hook” them. I don’t know how some men drive their cars with their girlfriends draped around them as some do! But it’s quite true that girls are much more admired if they allow men take the initiative. They are more sought-after by the right kind of men, if they have high principles and the character to stick to them. — December 1964

In all the current talk about women’s lib I think we very often forget to consider women’s strength and their consequent responsibilities. Once a woman sees herself as a ‘man hunter’ she tends, not only to lower her own dignity and lose the respect of men, but also to encourage lowering the standards and sense of responsibility of men. — July 1976

WHY DO GIRLS PROVOKE BOYS, SUBMIT TO THEM TOO EASILY AND THEN COMPLAIN THAT IT’S HARD TO FIND A DECENT, UNDERSTANDING BOYFRIEND? DON’T THEY UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MAN’S NATURE AND THAT OF A WOMAN?

It is true that many girls (and boys, too) are not helped sufficiently to understand the essential differences between the sexes. It is not enough to warn young people to take care of themselves — we must help them to understand how to do so. But knowledge alone is not sufficient, boys and girls must be aware of the necessity of self-control, unselfishness in their relationships. — January 1964

IT IS VERY DIFFICULT FOR A MAN TO HOLD ON TO HIS EMOTIONS WHEN NEARLY EVERY LASSIE YOU DATE THROWS HERSELF AT YOU. IN MY OPINION, IT’S THE GIRLS WHO ENCOURAGE KISSING AND NECKING. WHAT CAN A FELLOW DO?

This is not the first time I have heard a man make this complaint. Of course, I have also had letters from girls who complain that the boys are not interested in girls who don’t kiss. There are faults on both sides. Girls should understand how wrong and selfish it is to arouse a man’s passions by provoking him; men should be far-sighted enough to realise that the best girls to win (on a long term policy) are those who have high standards and understand the real meaning of love. The thrill of forbidden intimacy with someone who is almost a stranger is lust, not love. — February 1964

I HAVE AN AWFUL PROBLEM. I WORK IN CORK CITY AND LIVE IN A FLAT. IN A CERTAIN PART OF THE CITY I’M NOTED FOR BEING VERY SEXY. WHEN I WALK TO WORK IN THE MORNING SOME BOYS MAKE ADVANCES TO ME. EVERY BOY WITH WHOM I GO WITH WANTS ME TO HAVE INTERCOURSE WITH HIM. WHEN I DON’T HE BREAKS IT OFF AND SPREADS RUMOURS ABOUT ME AND, IN FACT, I GOT THE BAD REPUTATION BECAUSE I WAS GOING OUT WITH A FELLOW AND WE WERE ENGAGED. WELL I BROKE IT OFF WITH HIM AND HE TOLD ALL HIS FRIENDS I WAS SEXY. THIS IS NOT TRUE BUT WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT?

You were unfortunate, obviously, in your first choice of boyfriend. He must have been rather immature to retaliate in such a mean way. However, you certainly have no-one to blame after that as you seem to accept dates with one particular kind of boy. I know it’s very hard for a girl to have to change all her usual ways of enjoying herself just because someone starts telling lies about her, but in this case that would have been the sensible thing to do. You should do it now, anyway, and start being much more careful about the boys — and the girls — you go out with, and the dance halls and clubs you go to. You must not allow boys you meet in the streets to be so free with you. Keep away from them and from the ‘certain part of the city’ where you have the reputation you describe. It will all die away anyhow, but you’d be as well out of such unsavoury acquaintances as soon as possible. — February 1973

I WENT FOR A WHILE WITH THIS FELLOW TO WHOM I FELT VERY ATTRACTED. I THOUGHT HE LOVED ME AND WHEN HE WENT TO HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH ME, I LET HIM. HE JUST LEFT ME A SHORT WHILE AFTERWARDS AND TOLD EVERY FELLOW IN THE AREA THAT HE HAD INTERCOURSE WITH ME. SINCE THEN I HAVE MET ANOTHER BOY WHOM I LOVE VERY MUCH. WE WENT STEADY FOR A YEAR AND PLANNED TO GET ENGAGED IN TWO OR THREE YEARS, BUT HAVE A GOOD TIME IN THE MEANTIME. THIS FELLOW HOWEVER HAS BEEN TOLD BY THE OTHER WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN US, SO I HAVE QUITE A NAME. NOW I HATE TO WALK DOWN THE STREET KNOWING WHAT THE BOYS THINK WHEN THEY LOOK AT ME. I CAN’T STAND GOING TO SCHOOL. PLEASE TELL ME HOW I CAN STOP WHAT IS BEING SAID ABOUT ME.

Start growing up in the right direction from now. You can’t undo what has been done, but you were very young. You thought you understood what love meant and responded in an uncontrolled way to the lustful impulses which both of you had. There was no love between you. There may have been the beginnings of a friendship, but these beginnings were swamped by physical desire, to which you gave in. Obviously this boy is doing wrong by talking about what has happened. It is very sad that some boys boast about having had sexual intercourse with girls, as though it were a great thing to be unable to control those primitive urges. It is the controlled boy and girl who are the mature people. Anyone can give in to the normal impulses towards self-gratification. You have to go ahead from here. You can’t change the past, but you can grow up in the future and by your way of life show that you are maturing. At the present time you are thinking of boys simply as sexual objects and they are responding do you in much the same way. You should mix around for a few years before thinking of becoming engaged. I think it inadvisable to become engaged until you are over twenty, and I don’t think that any boy under twenty-three is ready for marriage. The greatest number of marriage failures are amongst people who married before they were twentyone. Do try to think of what love really means. It has so many beautiful qualities such as trust, generosity, loyalty, control, care, concern, interest in the other person and so on, but if you reduce it to the animal level of responding to a sexual urge, you are going to feel the despondency and despair of a human being who has not risen to her potential for giving true love. Married people need to share so much more than merely the intimacy of sexual intercourse and within marriage you need to be controlled and considerate for each other’s needs. It’s too late to start thinking about that when you’re married. The time to do it is now. — July 1974

DOING A LINE WITH A FELLOW FOR SIX YEARS WE GOT ENGAGED LAST YEAR, BUT SINCE THEN HE HAS LOST ALL CONTROL OF HIS EMOTIONS. THIS HAS ALSO HAPPENED TO ME AND ON ONE OCCASION HE ASKED ME TO SLEEP WITH HIM. I REFUSED BUT HE STILL INSISTS. I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH, SO PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO BECAUSE WE HAVE NO MARRIAGE PLANS.

Make them, because it’s a bit much to ask this man to remain celibate indefinitely, and it’s going to be rough on you too. A man and a woman who are in love usually want to be intimate, and to have children, and marriage offers the opportunity for this kind of fulfilment. Six years may not mean much, if you began doing a line at 14 or so. But if you did start going together so young the time has now come for the relationship either to enter the next logical phase — marriage — or to peter bitterly out. Love, in your circumstances, becomes a kind of shamefaced excuse for sex. It’s wrong to allow things to develop like that. Such development, which leads in the end to wickedness for its own sake, can only do you both serious damage. Your fiancé’s loss of control (as you put it) is an indication of the need for a change. Discuss it, talk marriage, and start planning. — February 1963

MY BOYFRIEND SAYS HE LOVES ME VERY MUCH AND WANTS TO SHOW HIS LOVE PHYSICALLY. I DON’T WANT TO LOSE HIM; DO YOU THINK I MIGHT ALLOW A LITTLE SERIOUS LOVEMAKING?

If he loves you as much as he says he does, the best way he can show this love is by unselfishly protecting you. By controlling his desires he is saving you from possible misery, remorse and sin. Rather than give in for fear of losing him, point out to him that for the sake of both of you and for love of him, you want your friendship to remain pure. — June 1964

All you have to do is wait. If you miss a period it will be certain enough for you to go to a doctor, and then the usual test will be carried out and you will be told whether or not you are pregnant. What I can’t understand is why you allowed this boy not only to walk into your flat but to get into your bed — could you not have got out of it? If the boy had refused to leave the flat you could have rung the Gardaí — they do help, you know. Don’t try to pretend that this was all the boy’s fault — you certainly seem to have allowed him to do as he liked. — March 1965

Why aren’t you married? When a girl is scared of sex, she loses the use of her best resources. Suppose, instead of being frightened, she’s flattered or amused by the man’s predatory efforts, or suppose she expected and understood them because she sees them again and again. She must learn how to say “no” in such a way that it sounds like a “maybe”. — October 1979

Agony Aunt columns: Taken from Brand New Retro blog and Womanâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Way archives at the National Library of Ireland Photos: Designerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s own Various quotes from an accompanying film, interviewing Irish women of different ages

The UCD 200, and then some Teresa Coyne, for her blog So Robotic, 6 February 2016

As my excellent friend Alison Spittle says on the Irish Times Women’s Podcast, this was before I had read Caitlin Moran’s How To Be A Woman. I didn’t know that my anger and hurt at the world was right and justified. And for the record, and some people from my hometown will know the boy in question, I hold no bad feelings toward him. He was just as ingrained in lad culture as the rest of us were. Speaking of Alison, please read her ‘Why Can’t All Lads Be Sound Like Hozier?’ article to see how women just cannot win. So, I go back to why this ‘acceptable’ shaming and degradation of women who have trusted and mutually consented to engage in sexual behaviour with a guy or girl is most poisonous. My experience saw a whole school bus full of people laughing at my expense. At the cost of my attitude to sex, to trust, to my self-respect. Even though I saw very little worth in myself to start with, I figured I had my intelligence and that I was an equal human being. But nope, I was wrong. I was told I was stupid, disgusting, that I should be utterly ashamed, even though I felt, I knew, deep down, I wasn’t any of those things just for having sex. That’s just one person, one encounter, in one small area. This case is 200 lads doing the same thing, to probably much more than 200 women. And that’s just 200 in one group, in one university, in one city. As the tweets of @griffski highlight (I suggest reading all her Tweets regarding this), do you really think this is an isolated case? How many women are having their lives fucked up by this Lad culture? Whether knowingly or not? These women are being tarnished and reduced to mere sex objects, to be disposed of once they don’t meet standards required for Lad Kudos. Louise O’Neill posted some great responses to this story on her Facebook page where she expressed the same feeling of exhaustion I and so many other women feel at this and other stories like it. I felt so beaten by this today. As I said in my response to Louise’s post — I was all set to spend a day at the cinema. Something I love doing, on my own. But I couldn’t today, after this. I was too scared, too tired, too completely broken. I didn’t want to pass every man on the street, every man in the same screen, and wonder who had he made feel like this? Had he laughed along? Is he one of them? Has he groped a woman on the Luas? Has he convinced himself she asked for it? And I do not want to view men in that way. I’ve had my own and heard the experiences of friends that might justify me feeling like that, but I have worked hard not to harbour that negativity. I can nearly hearing the hammering of keys shouting “NOT ALL MEN!”, the cries that I am crazy and broken, paranoid and overreacting. I know it isn’t all men, but it’s the doing nothing, the laughing along, defending the participation because “I personally have only sent 3 photos and a story or two” that lets it keep happening and lets it keep hurting people. I made the mistake of engaging with one self-proclaimed troll, who dismissed the fears and violence women suffer, unless they were people he loved. He was so devoid of compassion, so dismissive. I can’t be sure if it was willful provocation or just sheer ignorance and hatred of women voicing an opinion. He asked why I wasn’t in uproar over bigger things. And maybe that’s a fair point — why don’t I write angry blogs on female genital mutilation and forced child marriages? Why did I not spend my day tweeting about rape? But I do feel immense rage about those things, I can care about multiple issues. But the fact is, I can feel assured that the majority of people will stand with me and say those things are wrong and horrific. But with this? I am not so confident. I have been proven right today — by those men and women saying things like “those girls should be ashamed they sent nude photos”, “what did they expect?”, “they gave up copyright to those photos by sending them”, and “what they don’t know can’t hurt them”. Pure victim-blaming. All get out clauses for the lads involved, freeing them from any shame, guilt or consequence. Allowing them to fuel their victim narrative, that we’ve ruined The Craic. While this troll was likely out to upset me, his dismissal of the sexual violence suffered by women felt all too real, like that’s a feeling many spineless gits like him really believe. That my pain didn’t matter. I was being dramatic. I was overreacting. I was hurting his feelings because hashtag Not All Men. I was the problem. And that’s what is most frustrating of all: why is it me and other women that have to fight this? Why has this become our problem to fix? Why is it me that feels too ashamed and afraid to leave the house, because I can’t bear wondering if I am being looked at, judged, and casually dismissed because I do not conform? This is not our fault. We did nothing wrong. Our conscience is clear.