The Issue of Bodily Autonomy by Help! I have a desperate problem

The Issue of Bodily Autonomy Crisis pregnancy and how to deal with it

Greetings from Ireland: the land of balance and crazy abortion laws Una Mullally, for The Irish Times, 7 April 2016

Greetings from Ireland! I hope you’re all keeping well. We’re doing a grand old job here looking after ourselves thank you very much. There have been protestors outside Government Buildings for the last fortnight calling for the repeal of the eighth amendment. Not that we have a government, but I’m sure that will sort itself out. And up the North aren’t mad things always happening? This week they gave a woman a three-month suspended sentence for getting drugs that would induce a miscarriage. Today, the trial of a mother who tried to get similar pills for her daughter was adjourned in Belfast. Greetings from Ireland, where as the popular UK website The Pool put it, “when a country bans abortion, it creates horror stories.” We’re used to horror stories in Ireland. We’re good at them. The dead girl in a grotto. The dead baby on a beach. The dead babies in mass unmarked graves. The women imprisoned. The crying girls in airports and ferry terminals. The braindead woman kept alive because a constitution owns her womb. The deathly, sinister, painful silence. Greetings from Ireland. Help. I laughed hearing an American reporter on Morning Ireland the other day talking about the controversy Donald Trump caused when he merely suggested women should be punished for having abortions. How ridiculous it sounded, the Irish national broadcaster reporting on that incident, when there’s an alarm bell that goes off in RTE anytime someone Irish mentions abortion — not the Angelus by the way, a little more hysterical than that. “Balance!” it shrieks! “Balance!” Just as broadcasters made fools of themselves clambering for anti-gayrights opinions in the lead up to the marriage referendum, they continue to see voices that are pro-choice as things that need to be not listened to but opposed. What “balance” is really about is censorship. Women get balanced. Gays get balanced. If only they’d stop talking about their rights. If only we could keep our fingers in our ears without hearing these horror stories. Balance. Help. It doesn’t matter how vigorously the UN or Amnesty or the EU or whoever else shake their heads and wag their fingers in our direction when it comes to the human rights violations regarding women’s reproductive rights in Ireland. The Irish media isn’t so hot on debate or conversation or trying to solve this issue, it’s “balancing” that is the priority. We’re grand, thanks a million. This is Ireland and we can sort out our own messes, Irish solutions to Irish problems. They always work, don’t? The outsiders just don’t understand us. We’re a complex country. Nothing makes sense. Ha! It’s gas really. But now, abortion and balance and the media collide and collide over and over again, and we can’t see the wood for the trees. For decades, the Irish media has largely collaborated in the silencing of women and ignoring the scandal of denying us medical care. That silence is breaking, but only barely. Where are the media campaigns to end the oppression of Irish women? Where are the hardhitting documentaries and investigative reports? Where is RTÉ only swinging in the breeze of the hot air the coordinated complaints of anti-choice activists blow when the abortion alarm sounds? What Irish women North and South can hope for now is external pressure. The British media balked at the story this week that a woman is a criminal because she got pills to end her pregnancy. Pills that are common elsewhere. Too poor to travel, this was her only way to access the medical care her home denied. There is a growing chorus of British journalists and news outlets and especially female columnists condemning our brutal, criminalising, archaic and oppressive laws. In the centenary of the 1916 Rising, let’s hope Britain can save us, eh? Maybe something bigger will happen, an even greater horror story, something really major that external media will use to embarrassed into action. Denying women bodily autonomy here ends up on England’s doorstep. If we can’t address it, maybe they will? Help. Greetings from Ireland and thank God for England.

I AM WORRIED ABOUT SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED BEFORE I WAS MARRIED. WOULD YOU PLEASE TALK TO A PRIEST ABOUT IT AND DON’T PRINT MY LETTER? JUST PUBLISH THE ANSWER.

I have spoken to a priest about what you told me. He says that when these things happened you and no special commitment to your husband and though they were not good things, it would certainly be no help to bring them up at this stage. What you are aiming at now is building a really happy marriage, so neither of you needs to talk to the other about the weaknesses of the past. This only makes the other less sure and doesn’t add at all to the security and trust you have built together. Don’t be afraid that God has not forgiven you. Christ said “If your sins be as red scarlet, I will make them as white as snow”. Build your relationship with God who has forgiven you and loves you dearly. For your greater peace of soul you might consider talking this whole matter over personally with a priest. Getting nearer to God will inevitably develop your capacity for loving. The future is important now and I’m so glad that your marriage is happy. — July 1974

I HAVE BEEN GOING WITH MY BOYFRIEND FOR A VERY LONG TIME NOW AND WE ARE VERY MUCH IN LOVE. WE HAD INTERCOURSE THE OTHER NIGHT, FIVE DAYS AFTER MY PERIODS HAD FINISHED AND I’M WONDERING COULD I BE PREGNANT?

I am wondering if you really love one another. Control before marriage is much more an indication of love and sexual intercourse before marriage can be so destructive. When you think about it, would a man who really loves you as a total person allow you to have the anxiety and worry you are now experiencing? In some girls pregnancy could occur five days after a period, but in others this would not be so. I cannot say in your case which way it might be, but I really hope that all is well for you and that you and your boyfriend will be real friends and not cause each other such anxiety in the future. If you miss a period next time you should go to your doctor or to the local hospital and have a pregnancy test done. It is a very simple test and it will put your mind at rest to know definitely one way or the other how things are. — June 1974

I AM 19 AND I SPENT A WEEKEND AWAY WITH MY BOYFRIEND. WE ARE BOTH STUDENTS. AT THE PARTICULAR TIME OF THE MONTH IT WAS, I THOUGHT I COULDN’T CONCEIVE A BABY, AND THERE WAS NO RISK. WE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE COMPLETE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE. BUT NOW I AM WORRIED SICK.

Judging from a number of deeply unhappy girls who have written to me regarding a holiday spent alone with a boyfriend, I feel I must comment to save others from similar experiences. It seems to be considered smart nowadays to sneer at conventional morality. It is true that moral codes do change. But we all need some clear standards to look at when considering a certain line of behaviour… When a girl agrees to sleep with a boy she is breaking a convention built up as a result of the experiences of generations. Other girls did as you have done, and suffered the anxieties, fears and sense of guilt that led to the building of rules to safeguard others… Most of the boys and girls going on holidays in twosomes are doing so because they are following the bad example of convention breakers. Your suffering is the result of your copying another couple(s) who thought they did not need the order of a disciplined society. — June 1968

See a doctor straight away. This is important for you and for the child. You could expect your baby around December 22, but first babies are not necessarily on time. Contact the Catholic Rescue Protection Society, 30 Ann St., Dublin 2 where you will get much and helpful information about adoption. It can be difficult for an unmarried girl to make her mind up about this, so way up all the pros and cons before deciding. Medical care at this stage is vital. The social workers with whom you will have to deal with will understand your case and be sympathetic, but make the necessary arrangements now. — August 1974

Send an S.A.E. to The Secretary, ALLY, c/o St. Saviour’s Priory, Lower Dorset Street, Dublin 1. Tel: (01) 740300. This group offers a counselling service, help with accommodation during pregnancy and in hospital, financial assistance when possible and offer referral to adoption societies or to Cherish if you plan to keep your baby. — August 1984

You must see a doctor. The health of your baby is greatly influence by your diet and your intake of milk, vitamins and minerals. Your blood pressure must be checked at regular intervals and your urine examined to make certain that everything is in order. There is a lot of help available for the unmarried mother and you should make all the necessary enquiries about such matters before deciding to go away. Your baby would be due on February 3rd, but there is no way of being sure that it will arrive on time. This at best is only an approximate date, but as you come closer to term, your doctor will have several factors to guide him in relation to the delivery date. Try to make all the necessary arrangements now. — August 1974

Your baby should arrive around June 11th, but the exact date can be difficult to ascertain when it is the first time. Unless there is a medical reason for your doing otherwise, it might be wise for you to stay in your job as long as you can. But it’s very important that you see a doctor so that you can have your blood pressure checked, your weight taken, your urine examined and a general medical to ascertain that all is well. You must also book into a hospital in time. You will be entitled to certain benefits and the earlier you find out about these, the better. Be careful not to work for too long as this may affect you during labour and leave you very tired following delivery. Iron, vitamins and a well-balanced diet are all important during pregnancy, but so is relaxation. — November 1979 7

THE ELDEST OF OUR THREE DAUGHTERS IS TWENTY AND ENGAGED TO A VERY NICE BOY. HER FATHER AND I ARE SHATTERED AS SHE HAS JUST TOLD US THAT SHE IS PREGNANT. WE MUST RUSH THE WEDDING WHICH WAS TO HAVE BEEN IN JUNE. NEED I TELL OUR CLERGYMAN WHY WE ARE DOING THIS? HOW CAN WE CONCEAL THE SITUATION FROM OUR OTHER DAUGHTERS (AGED 16 AND 14), OR FROM ACQUAINTANCES AND FRIENDS? THE BOY HAS A GOOD JOB IN THE CITY.

I am so sorry for you, and for the girl and boy too. I agree that you should go ahead with the wedding right away. It’s not necessary to go into details with your clergyman, though your daughter might feel happy if she had a frank chat with him. Many young couples get married earlier than planned because they find suitable accommodation, or for various financial, business or family reasons, one of which could easily be yours too. Perhaps the couple could rent a flat for a few months and later change to a more suitable, permanent address. This would help to avoid the gossip of neighbours. It would be almost impossible to avoid all uncharitable comment. I advise you to face up to the situation as a family unit. Do not make up a lot of lies which only add fuel to the fiery gossip. Do not blame yourselves for what has happened. Children with the best of parents still have human weaknesses and make mistakes. For the sake of the other girls, just ask yourselves if, perhaps, you gave your daughter too much time alone with her boyfriend, too little instruction, or maybe you trusted her, forgetting the weaknesses of human nature. Time will heal this sadness for you all and ultimately, please God, the young people will be very happy. — March 1964

I AM 37 AND SINGLE. I HAD HOPED TO BE MARRIED BY NOW WITH A FAMILY. I LOVE CHILDREN AND HAVE DECIDED TO HAVE A BABY ANYWAY. I’M NOT IN A STEADY RELATIONSHIP ALTHOUGH I DO SEE ONE PARTICULAR MAN NOW AND AGAIN. DO YOU THINK I’M WRONG TO GO AHEAD AND GET PREGNANT?

This is a major decision which requires to be extremely well thought-out. The implications for both you and the child need careful consideration. Your reasons for making this decision are also important because they will quite naturally affect your expectations of what being a single parent is going to be like. So it’s not a question of being right or wrong but of being sure that you’re approaching being a parent in the most positive way possible. Then there is your relationship with the man who will father your child. Surely he deserves to know your intentions and then you can both discuss your future expectations of each other? Creating supportive relationships for yourself with family and friends is also essential as you’ll be glad of as much emotional practical support as possible. Being a single parent is not easy, although it will be a joyful and rewarding experience too. — August 1994

PERHAPS WHAT I HAVE TO SAY MIGHT HELP OTHER GIRLS. I AM EXPECTING A BABY, BUT I AM NOT MARRIED. WE ARE ALL MISERABLE, BUT MY PARENTS ARE GOING TO STAND BY ME. IN THEIR UPSET THEY KEEP SAYING TO ME, ‘WE TRUSTED YOU’. NOW I WISH THEY HADN’T TRUSTED ME SO MUCH ALONE WITH MY BOYFRIEND. I NEVER INTENDED THIS TO HAPPEN, BUT I DID NOT ALLOW FOR THE STRENGTH OF PASSION. MY PARENTS COULD TRUST ME IN EVERY OTHER WAY, BUT NOW I KNOW THAT FREEDOM, WITH TRUST, IS NOT ENOUGH WHEN SEX IS INVOLVED…

I am so sorry for you. You are learning through hard experience that young people need rules to live by and that they must keep these rules. Parents who try to protect their children are often berated for the efforts. “Such a thing would never happen to me” argues the headstrong teenager. It is to just such a one that these heartbreaking things do happen. Parents may well trust their children, but should also remember that their passions are strong. They can’t easily cope with situations where newly awakening emotions are strongly involved. They need sensible instruction and loving supervision — whether they think they need it or not! — February 1964

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I HAVE BEEN GOING WITH A BOY WHO HAS BEEN ENCOURAGING OUR USE OF CONTRACEPTIVE DEVICES SO THAT WE COULD HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE ON NEARLY EVERY DATE. TO MY HORROR I NOW FIND I’VE BECOME PREGNANT. I TOLD HIM AND HE NOW SAYS HE IS ENGAGED TO ANOTHER GIRL, AND WOULD NOT MARRY ME ANYWAY NOW THAT I AM PREGNANT.

It is well known that these contraceptive devices are not anything like one hundred percent safe. Many girls have become pregnant in spite of such devices having been used. Also stories like yours indicate how little love there is in such lustful relationships… Now you must contact The Secretary, Catholic Protection and Rescue Society, 20 Sth Anne Street, Dublin 2. There you will be advised as to the best thing to do and all arrangements for pregnancy, confinement, adoption etc. will be made for you. The services in this country are excellent. Do not go to England. — January 1969

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Agony Aunt columns: Taken from Brand New Retro blog and Womanâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Way archives at the National Library of Ireland Photos: Designerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s own Various quotes from an accompanying film, interviewing Irish women of different ages

Greetings from Ireland: the land of balance and crazy abortion laws Una Mullally, for The Irish Times, 7 April 2016

Sure where would we be without them? I suppose we’d have to arrest at lot more women. That would be terribly inconvenient, and then even more international media would be mean to us. Greetings from Ireland, where young women who desperately don’t want to be pregnant are informed upon, and the police come for them, vulnerable and afraid, and they are stood up in front of judges who criminalise them with ancient legislation, and when we talk about it, the media decides it can’t be spoken about alone but pitched against the very rhetoric that got us here and keeps us here. But don’t worry, it’s only women. And what are they going to do? Arrest us all?

Help.