14
Ostomy
Madiha Bhatti Scrubs were out of the question. Instead I drew wide black wings over my eyes and painted my lips bright pink and slid on nice fitted pants. I respect death enough to dress up when I expect she’ll be paying a visit. She had a particularly tenacious customer today. JT had “life is rough” tattooed on his right arm and “death is easy” on his left. He did not make it easy. I started the day asking for morphine. I looked into the attending’s eyes and insisted, “He is dying. His body is an open sore and he can’t tell us he’s hurting. You can see the pain in his eyes.” She conceded to a small dose of oxycodone. Less than 20 minutes later JT’s heart gave up. He was shocked with 200 volts of electricity four times over the course of two hours, and it wasn’t until the nurse noticed a tear leak out of his glassy eye that she pushed some fentanyl. The bitter side of my thoughts turned towards the man in the picture I’d taped to the end of the bed. Handsome, the center of a large and beautiful family, gazing into the lens as if to say that he was aware of the riches that surrounded him. That was the man who had decided that he would squeeze every minute out of this life, even if it meant that he would leave it in a ball of flames. Are you happy now, JT? So goddamn stubborn. You dragged me into your violent end. I had to crack your ribs for the miniscule possibility that you could be with your children again. It was a small voice. I was overwhelmingly focused on the suffering of the swollen, starved, oozing body in the bed. “Baby, baby” I cooed, stroking his matted fro. “Just hold on a little longer. They’re coming to say goodbye and then we’ll let you go. You are so loved, JT. I’m sorry, I’m sorry we’re hurting you.” I wasn’t expecting any of his children to be among the visitors. But suddenly there was Ross, 18 years old, handsome and whole. His shoulders were stiff, defensive. I only had to put my hand on his arm and he wilted. There are two sounds from the day that I can’t forget. One is Ross’s cracked
