Teen pregnancy
Pg. 6
Positive summer activities for teens
Pg.11 Father’s Day Receipt Pg.10 Black Music Month Week 2012 The Personal Chef Customized Catering & Design, LLC
Cover: Matthew & Sharon Pierce Born To Be Somebody. A survivor/Caterers/ Restaurant Owner Pg. 19 I-Female Magazine $6.50
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I-Female is a tribute to female empowerment; it allows you to look at yourselves as strong individuals and not just victims or survivors. Cover Photo: Matthew and Sharon Pierce Back Cover: Black Music Week 2012 WRITE US I-Female Magazine welcomes letters from its readers. To contact Editorial: Send us a fax (215-613-5000), email (magazine@i-female.net) or mail (Letters to I-Female Magazine, P.O Box 935 Vineland, New Jersey 08362). Letters should include the writer’s full name, address and daytime phone number. Letters may be edited for length and clarity.
CONTENTS Pg 7 10 Things You Shouldn’t Do In Marriage Marriage is a commitment a man and a woman take as a covenant with God. This decision is a dedication that you will love, honor and obey each other until death do you part. Marriage is not easy and sometimes quite difficult. However, in the Bible, it states it is better to marry than burn. So many marriages end in divorce due to the choices we make. There are things we should never say to our spouse, no matter how we feel, these things only increase the problem.
Pg 12 Father’s Love Drives Effort To Cure Rare Disease For John Corpus, getting people together to raise money for Rett syndrome comes naturally. He said he hopes one day a cure will be found for Samantha and for all the girls suffering from Rett. "I would love for her to say 'Daddy' one more time," he said. "I would love that."
Pg 15 Sexting and Teens Sexting is the act of sending sexually explicit messages or photographs, primarily between mobile phones.
Pg 19 Born to be Somebody I had to raise my brothers while mom was off getting high in the crack house, I can remember going to get her before school started so she could watch my brothers, her kids. Getting up in the morning while they were still asleep, going to the crack house in V.A.C, I remember like it was yesterday.
Letter from the Publisher... Did you know June is the month with the longest daylight hours of the year in the Northern Hemisphere and the shortest daylight hours of the year in the Southern Hemisphere? Welcome to our June 2012 Issue of IFemale Magazine! June is well known for the large number of marriages that occur over the course of the month; congratulations to everyone who is getting married this month. I-Female wishes you peace, love and prosperity. I- Female helps inspire, motivate and encourage each and every woman. We exist to educate, empower and uplift women in areas such as entrepreneurial development, as well as bringing awareness of the female psyche dealing with depression, low self-esteem, loss and domestic violence. Father’s Day is June 17. Historically, Father's Day is a celebration of fathers inaugurated in the early twentieth century to compliment Mother's Day in celebrating fatherhood and male parenting. Happy Father’s Day! Featured on our cover are Matthew and Sharon Pierce owners of The Personal Chef, Customized Catering & Design, LLC. They recently opened their new restaurant located at 68330 Germantown Ave and will be having their grand opening on June 23. This duo is passionate about entertaining. Whether it is an intimate dinner party or a magnificent social event, a corporate luncheon or a casual weekend gathering, they can help make it memorable and delicious. Black music month is also celebrated in June. CEO and Founder Isaac M. Hamm III of IM3Media hosted its first annual Black Music Month event called, “The Comeback “Philly Style” in Philadelphia 2010. Black Music Month is an entire week of activities honoring and paying homage to the contributions African Americans have made to the music industry. This year The Comeback “Philly Style” will run from Sunday, June 24th to Saturday, June 30th and will be filled with various opportunities for the city to join in the celebration of Black Music Month. I-Female focuses on entrepreneurs and women of inspiration globally that will impact the lives of each other and each month we focus on "10 Things” within the community we’re talking about. This month I-Female won’t be talking “10 Things” but we are focusing on the preservation of our teenagers. Summer is quickly approaching and school will be out. Congratulations to the class of 2012! In this month’s issue we will be talking about safe sex, teen pregnancy, bullying and what we as parents can do to help our teens be aware of these topics and how to talk to them about it. Since June is the busiest month for marriages, we talk about the top 10 things not to do in marriage. Thank you to our amazing team who continually helps I-Female grow and to you, our readers and fans. At 18849 viewers we continue to grow and we are blessed, we’re thankful for all the support. We are here to Inspire, Motivate and Encourage! God bless you all and remember I-Female is me. I-Female is you.
Stenell Greene-Myers Publisher whosgonnapaythemortgage@i-female.net
"Teens who have been raised by both parents (biological or adoptive) from birth, have lower probabilities of having sex than youths who grew up in any other family situation."
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owever, the Guttmacher Institute reports that the rate of teens that have had intercourse before the age of 15 is higher in the United States than in other developed nations. One study by the American Public Health Association put the percentage of teens that had sex by the 9th grade at 33 percent. The CDC reports that today's adults report that only 16 percent had sex by age 15. While the incidence of sexually active teens may not be going up, they are having their first sexual experiences at a younger age. This presents an interesting question: why are teens in the U.S. engaging in sexual intercourse earlier? The answer may lie in what teenagers themselves believe about sex. Sexually Active Teens and Peers: The American Public Health Association (APHA), reports Psychology Today, did a study and found that one of the biggest reasons that teenagers engage in sexual activity is because they think their peers are also having sex. Peer pressure is a factor in the sexual landscape for American teenagers. Even if their peers really aren't having sex, the perception that they are encourages some teenagers to become sexually active. Many of the teens that were sexually active reported that most, or nearly all, of the other teenagers in their grade had had sex - even though this wasn't the case in reality.
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he U.S. teen pregnancy, birth, sexually transmitted disease (STD), and abortion rates are substantially higher than those of other western industrialized nations. Teen pregnancy is one of the most difficult experiences a young person might ever face when it interrupts school or other plans. It can create an emotional crisis resulting in feelings of shame and fear, and it may appear that you will crumble under pressures in your environment. The stress of how you are going to break this news to your parents might be even greater, and finding help may seem an impossible task. Contraceptive use among sexually active teens has increased but remains inconsistent. Three-quarters of teens use some method of contraception (usually a condom) the first time they have sex. A sexually active teen who does not use contraception has a 90 percent chance of teen pregnancy within one year. Teens who have been raised by both parents (biological or adoptive) from birth, have lower probabilities of having sex than youths who grew up in any other family situation. 5
Teen Sex in Media: According to the American Social Health Association (ASHA), one of the factors that increases the perception that peers are having sex is media content. Teenagers that watch sexual content in the media are more likely to overestimate the amount of sex their friends and acquaintances are having. They are also more likely to feel permissive of sexual activity and multiple partners. Teen Sex Issues: Teenage girls have more interesting challenges. The APHA study found that the earlier a teen girl became sexually active, the more likely it was that her partner was older. The younger the girl, the larger the age gap with her partner. APHA found that the gap in girls who lost their virginity by age 12 usually had partners at least five years their senior. This is troubling, in that it indicates that older partners may pressure young teen - and even preteen - girls into having sex. Teen Oral Sex: One of the sexual behaviors increasing amongst teens is the incidence of oral sex. 50 percent of teenagers ages 15 to 19 have engaged in oral sex, reports the CDC. That number increases to 70 percent when the oldest - 18 and 19 year olds - are taken out of the mix. The main reason that oral sex is increasing among teenagers, some think, is because it is perceived as safer than intercourse. Additionally, with the rise of interest in virginity and movements to "save" themselves for
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marriage, many teenagers consider themselves "technical" virgins if they have not engaged in intercourse. Oral sex doesn't "technically" count as losing one's virginity. This behavior, though, is not entirely out of the ordinary. Indeed, the incidence of teen sex doesn't appear to be increasing. The CDC did a study of adults, and found that only 15 percent of them waited until 21 to have sex. This means that most of the adults that are worried about their kids having sex most likely had sex themselves as teenagers. Perhaps of greater concern is the fact that teen pregnancy has not abated. The Guttmacher Institute points out that the United States has a much higher rate of teen pregnancy than any other developed nation. Planned Parenthood places this trend squarely on the shoulders of the current push for abstinence-only sexual education. Teen pregnancies have not gone down in the meantime, but diseases like Chlamydia and syphilis are making a comeback in some states. Teen Condom Use: Interestingly, protective practices seem to be catching on in younger students. The Child Trends Data Bank reports that among sexually active 9th graders, condom use is at 75 percent. This is encouraging. However, as students get older, they seem less likely to engage in this protective behavior; only 55 percent of 12th graders use condoms. Is it because by senior year many teenagers are down to "steady" partners and engaging in monogamous sex? This may be the case. The Guttmacher Institute points out that 9th graders in the United States are more likely to have multiple partners, in addition to being more likely than their foreign counterparts to engage in sexual activity. Teen Sex Talk: APHA maintains that the best way to encourage protected sex, as well as limit early sexual activity in teenagers, is to provide a supportive environment. Openness about sex and sexual issues, as well as supportive discussions of family values, can help teenagers make better informed decisions about their sexual activity. Talk to your teen about sex. You can help them learn the teen sex statistics and teen std statistics. This could help prevent a teen pregnancy or STD. Sexually active teens are at risk and should learn more about safe sex, sexually transmitted diseases as well as ways of protection and prevention.
www.familyfirstaid.org
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Positive summer activities for teens For teens, summer vacation is often when the combination of too much time and not enough supervision leads to trouble. Many teens try drugs for the first time over summer vacation while others use summer as a time to take their risky behaviors up a notch. Is this the summer your teen will go from smoking weed to using E or heroin? Or the summer your teen will lose touch with long-time friends to start hanging out with a new “cooler” crowd? According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, in June and July the rate of teen marijuana use spikes. The lack of things to do and supervision, along with added freedom and more time with friends increases access to and temptation to use drugs and alcohol. The high rate of unemployment also leaves teens with even more free time. With more competition and fewer jobs to go around, the unemployment rate among adolescents is near an all time high. With most parents working full-time jobs, teens tend to spend more time home alone in the summer. At a time when summer jobs are scarce, they are past the age for summer camp, and family entertainment funds are low due to the economy, teens turn to friends who may encourage risky behavior to pass the time. So what’s your plan to keep your teen out of trouble this summer? There are many positive things teens can get involved in over the summer to keep themselves busy and out of trouble. They can volunteer at a local animal shelter, senior center or library. How about reaching out to summer camps they went to when they were younger and seeking out a volunteer position as a camp counselor where they have an opportunity to mentor younger kids? What about grandmom and grandpop? Do they live nearby? Perhaps they need a hand with some gardening or minor handy work that your teen could give them help with? Sit down with your teen and check out www.dosomething.org for lots more volunteer ideas. Then help your teen to make a plan to fill their extra time this summer with positive, fun things to do. There are many valuable lessons to be learned outside the classroom. One of the most important lessons in life is learning the value of helping others. This summer help your teen help others, have fun and maybe do a little unexpected learning along the way. By Jenn Smith www.phillyburbs.com
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10 Things You Shouldn’t Do In Marriage
Marriage is a commitment a man and a woman take as a covenant with God. This decision is a dedication that you will love, honor and obey each other until death do you part. Marriage is not easy and sometimes quite difficult. However, in the Bible, it states it is better to marry than burn. So many marriages end in divorce due to the choices we make. There are things we should never say to our spouse, no matter how we feel, these things only increase the problem. 1. Never cheat on your spouse. Cheating is not the will of God and is not fair to the relationship. Adultery is a dishonest act, when you said "I do", it meant “I do”, to the person you married. 2. I WANT A DIVORCE! Should be avoided at all cost. Reality is sobering and problems will occur in the marriage. Saying or even thinking divorce should never be an option. As a parent, would you divorce your child after he/she has wronged you? Agape love is the strongest love that God loves us with, learn this love and use it with your spouse, even when you don't want to. In the end you will win because love is the strongest foundation in marriage. 3. Do not compare your spouse to your ex. Your spouse is not your ex, but your spouse, period. 4. Never tell your spouse you think the marriage was a mistake, this may question infidelity and create insecurity. 5. Never say or think, "Why did I get married?" Situations will occur that will make you upset, which is natural. Questioning your marriage is not beneficial. Remember, you got married for a reason, hopefully agape love. 6. Never tell your spouse you hate them. This will cause hurt and may create a problem that will fester. 7. Avoid saying, "I wish I never married you." Saying this is very painful and may cause the other spouse to react in a negative manner. 8. Never deny your spouse sex, except for personal reasons. Being mad is not an option, the Bible states "the bed is not defiled" in marriage. 9. Never tell your spouse he/she is weak in the midst of an argument. Even if they have weak qualities, there is a way to speak to your spouse's mind instead of emotionally hurting their heart. 10. Do not call your spouse stupid, it is disrespectful and painful. You will not get good results with insults. Instead of using painful words, tell them how much you love them and pray for your anger to be released.
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A FREE WALK
Gospel secrets By Tony Myers
This term, “A Free Walk” really doesn't exist. When I was in my twenties, my biggest thing was, “I'm grown, and you can't tell me what to do”. I lived my life thinking that what I was doing was walking in freedom, walking my life the way I wanted to. The way I saw it, the way that felt good to me! Two marriages later, the train was completely off the track! You see, what I thought was freedom was really bondage. Freedom doesn't come from doing your own thing. The truth about doing your own thing is that you become a slave to your own thing. You become consumed with “I”. “I” is like a fat kid around cake, he just won't stop. The Bible
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states,” you can't serve two masters, either you will love one or hate the other." Doing your own thing and thinking its freedom, it isn't. Serving one’s self is out of the will of God for our lives. In fact, true freedom comes from servitude, the willingness to give of our self for the betterment of mankind. On this planet, no one has been more free then Jesus Christ. Jesus states," The Son of Man came not to minister, but to minister to and to give his life a ransom for many." Christ life was completely free from fear, oppression and all other stressors in life. His freedom came from doing the will of the Father. Jesus stated, "I must work the works of him that sent
me while it is day, for when night cometh no man can work." Doing God’s will on the earth made Jesus completely free; free to heal the sick; free to raise the dead; free to feed multitudes with just two fish and five loaves of bread; free to go to the cross and die for my sins and yours; and free to become God's champion and Savior of the World! So in conclusion, a free walk only exists in God. My grandma use to say to me all the time “why serve the devil, he only gonna give you a blank check? God gonna give you a mansion”. Along your walk you will either love the one or hate the other. WALK WITH GOD!!!!
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BLACK MUSIC MONTH WEEK 2012 PHILADELPHIA, PA – IM3Media.com’s CEO and Founder Isaac M. Hamm III is always looking to grow and improve, IM3Media has focused on making this year’s The ComeBack “Philly Style” bigger and better than last year. In addition to this event IM3Media has partnered up with local event producers and created “Black Music Month Week 2012”. Black Music Month Week is an entire week of activities honoring and paying homage to the contributions African Americans have made to the music industry. This week will run from Sunday, June 24th to Saturday, June 30th and will be filled with various opportunities for the city to join in the celebration of Black Music Month. IM3Media hosted its first annual Black Music Month event called The Comeback “Philly Style” in 2010. This critically acclaimed music showcase and awards ceremony is dedicated to preserving the musical legacy of Philadelphia. In its first year, Isaac honored Dyana R. Williams with the 2010 “Profile in Excellence and Innovation Lifetime Achievement” Award. This award was later dedicated in her name. The 2011 award recipients were: Kenny Gamble, Leon Huff,; Chaka Fattah and Hip Hop pioneer Wendy Clark aka “Lady B”. Our 2012 Dyana Williams “Profile in Excellence and Innovation Lifetime Achievement Award” recipients are Grammy Award winning producers Carvin Haggins and Ivan Barias and Community Activist Charlie Mack. The explosive lineup of events will include: Tuesday June 26th - The Free Flow Exchange presents “INFUSION” where music meets words and all stars of Philly’s finest poets pay tribute to Black Music Month. This event will be held at The Arts Garage located at 1533 Ridge Ave Phila, PA. from 8p.m. to 11p.m.. Wednesday June 27th – IM3Media welcomes The National Alliance of Marketing Developers (NAMD) as they celebrate their 10 year anniversary Black Music Month networking and showcase event. There will be live performances from local artists from the Philadelphia area. This event will be held at The First District Plaza located at 3801 Market Street Phila, PA from 6p.m. to 10p.m.. Thursday June 28th - The Machine Music Group (MMG) will host “A Night of Stars”, a networking event and honoring ceremony. This year’s honorees are Grammy nominated Carol Riddick, Jaguar Wright and Mr. Renie Harris. This event will be held at the lavish Gallerie Isada 3320 Collins Street Phila, PA located in the budding section of Kensington from 8p.m. to 12a.m.. Isaac M. Hamm (Left) Moshay LaRen (Middle) YounFriday June 29th – IM3Media will host its third annual Black Music Month showcase, The tie Skrickland (Right)
Comeback – “Philly Style”, at The Painted Bride from 7:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. Please join us for an unforgettable evening of Philadelphia’s biggest and brightest stars in black music. Our 2012 Dyana Williams “Profile in Excellence and Innovation Lifetime Achievement Award” recipients are Community Activist Charlie Mack and Grammy Award Winning producers Carvin Haggins and Ivan Barias. There will be a special Patti Labelle tribute.
Saturday June 30th (Day) – There will be two events taking place. The Save Shirley Project will host The Health & Community Day, in Burholme Park located at Cottman and Central Avenues from 10a.m. to 6p.m.. Please join us for a day of health, wellness, and education. “The Save Shirley Project” is a cause developed to teach people the importance of health as a means for survival. Saturday June 30th (Night ) - ChaCha N’Kole, Young Management Group, and Grind The Magazine has joined together to bring to you the most eclectic music and fashion fusion exhibition to ever hit Philadelphia "Philly Phasion Rocks!" Philly Phasion Rocks will feature the finest apparel and accessory designers, make-up artist, hairstylist and musicians in the Philadelphia area. The event will be held at the Crane Arts Building, 1400 North American Street, Philadelphia, PA 19122 from 8p.m. to 12a.m.
For More Information: Lucky Fischer | 267.573.9647 | pr@im3media.com | www.isupportbmmw2012.com
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Father’s Day Receipt
Ale-Brined Roasted-Turkey Sandwich With Red-Pepper Pesto Recipe courtesy Guy Fieri. Guy creates the ultimate picnic sandwich, with roasted turkey and pesto on a sourdough loaf.
Photograph by Steve Giralt
Ingredients For the Turkey: 1 12-ounce bottle beer (preferably IPA or other pale ale) 3 tablespoons coarse-grain dijon mustard Kosher salt and freshly ground pepper 1 2 1/2-to-3-pound skinless bone-in turkey breast, rinsed and patted dry For the Pesto: 3 large red bell peppers 1/2 cup fresh basil leaves 2 cloves garlic 1/4 cup grated parmesan cheese 1/4 cup pine nuts, toasted 1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes 1/4 teaspoon anchovy paste Kosher salt and freshly ground pepper 1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil Directions For the Sandwich:3/4 cup jarred Italian marinated vegetables (giardiniera), drained 1 1-pound seeded sourdough bread loaf Shredded lettuce 3 slices provolone cheese Brine the turkey: Combine the beer, mustard and 1 teaspoon 11
each salt and pepper in a 1-gallon resealable plastic bag. Add the turkey, seal the bag and place in a large bowl; refrigerate 45 minutes. Meanwhile, prepare the pesto: Roast the bell peppers on a grill, directly over the flame of a gas burner or under a preheated broiler, turning with tongs, until blackened. Seal the peppers in a plastic bag and let cool at least 10 minutes. Peel the peppers and discard the stems and seeds (do not rinse). Pulse the peppers, basil, garlic, parmesan, pine nuts, red pepper flakes, anchovy paste, 1/2 teaspoon salt and 1 teaspoon pepper in a food processor until combined. With the motor running, slowly add the olive oil through the feed tube. Adjust the seasoning if necessary. Refrigerate the pesto if not using immediately. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Remove the turkey from the brine (do not rinse) and place on a rack in a shallow roasting pan. Roast until a thermometer inserted into the thickest part of the breast registers 165 degrees F, about 1 hour. Transfer to a cutting board to cool. Assemble the sandwich: Remove the meat from the bone and slice on a diagonal into 1/2-inch-thick pieces. Roughly chop the marinated vegetables and mix with 1/4 cup pesto in a bowl. Slice the bread in half horizontally to make a giant bun. Pull some of the bread out of the inside of the top half to hollow it out. Spread pesto on both halves. Layer the lettuce, provolone, turkey and vegetable-pesto mixture on the bottom half of the bread, then cover with the top half. Wrap tightly with plastic wrap to squeeze the sandwich together. Refrigerate 20 minutes, then slice into pieces.
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Father's love drives effort to cure rare disease By Jason Sweeney jsweeney@bayareanewsgroup.com DANVILLE -- The views of Mount Diablo were spectacular on a perfect spring day during the annual Samantha Corpus Golf Tournament at Blackhawk Country Club. Raiderettes and Warrior Girls chatted up golfers at the tees, where stations were stocked with sausages, sandwiches, snacks and beverages. Luxury cars parked on the course were the grand prize for any golfer lucky enough to hit a hole-in-one. For the 205 golfers out on the club's two courses, this tournament was less about competition and more about having a good time and helping out the foundation started by John Corpus. "Every hole has been stellar," said Brian Orr, director of sales for the Silicon Valley firm Synaptics, before teeing off. "This is a great event for a good cause." What brought the golfers out May 15 was the tournament's namesake, 13-year-old Samantha Corpus, and the debilitating genetic disorder called Rett syndrome that affects her and one in every 10,000 to 23,000 girls. Once the golfing was done, an auction was held inside the club during a gala dinner. When it was all over, the event had raised $250,000, raising the fundraising tournament's seven-year total to more than $1.2 million. All the money goes to the International Rett Syndrome Foundation, which funds research for a cure for the disorder. Frank Burkatzky, who became friends with John Corpus when they worked together 10 years ago at the high-end kitchenware company Advertisement Williams-Sonoma, has come every year, even flying to play one year when he lived on the East Coast. "I see the hardship the family goes through," he said. "Being here and contributing is humbling. You want to support John and Samantha and get the word out," he said. I-FEMA LE
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John Corpus speaks with his 13-year-old daughter, Samantha, for whom he started the Samantha Corpus Foundation.
Samantha Corpus was born healthy. In her first year and a half of life, she said "Mama" and "Dada" and did all the things normal babies do. But when she was 2, John and his wife, Kathy, started noticing that Samantha wasn't developing normally. In fact, she was beginning to regress. She stopped talking and eating, and lost the use of her hands. At age 3½, she was diagnosed with Rett syndrome. "Today at 13, Samantha doesn't talk, she can't feed herself, she doesn't have use of her hands, per se," John Corpus said. "She's able to walk and she's considered high-functioning, but a lot of her abilities are limited." Samantha attends a special-needs program at Los Cerros Middle School in Danville. When she's not in school, she's at home in Alamo with her mother, who handles the majority of her care -- feeding her, brushing her teeth, changing her diaper, getting her ready for school and clothing her. "Kathy provides the day-to-day care. That's not something I'm really good at," Corpus said. Corpus said he thought hard about what he could do to help. As co-founder and CEO of the Pleasanton-based tech startup Milyoni, he knew he was good at business and at organizing people. He had plenty of friends and business contacts and a large, close-knit extended family. "Based on my business background and the people that I've met along the way, I thought maybe I could do a fundraiser and create awareness and definitely help try to fund a cure for Rett syndrome," he said. Rett syndrome is caused by mutations of the X chromosome and affects mainly girls. Most
boys with the mutation die in the womb. Babies with Rett are usually born healthy until about six to 18 months when the symptoms begin to appear. They lose communication skills and use of their hands. They often wring their hands, have seizures and have disorganized breathing patterns. They appear locked inside themselves. Steve Kaminsky, chief science director for the International Rett Syndrome Foundation, said the short-term goal for Rett research is to reverse some of the symptoms. The longterm goal is to find a cure. Experiments done in 2007 reversed the symptoms in mice and showed promise that a cure could be found. "Gene therapy could be a cure, but the technology is not there yet," Kaminsky said. "This is a rare disease, so getting attention and getting financial support is hard," the foundation's executive director Steve Bajardi said. "It really relies on grass-roots networking." Bajardi said parents like John Corpus who organize fundraisers are critical for continuing research and providing support for families. "John is doing something special," Kaminsky said. "He's making sure that his friends tell a friend who tell a friend. He is taking a rare disorder and making it well-known. That's where John really is a local hero." For John Corpus, getting people together to raise money for Rett syndrome comes naturally. He said he hopes one day a cure will be found for Samantha and for all the girls suffering from Rett. "I would love for her to say 'Daddy' one more time," he said. "I would love that." www.samanthacorpus.org
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6
CHAPTER
Will the “REAL” Webster please stand up? (Defining dating and marriage) (GOT MILK??? Na you gotta get the COW) I sit here pondering over the many definitions of dating and marriage. It seems our parents had a word not really known in today’s tongue. The word they often used was “courting.” By definition, courting is:
a. To attempt to gain; seek: courting wealth and fame b. To behave so as to invite or incur: courts disaster by taking drugs c. To try to gain the love or affections of, especially to seek to marry d. To attempt to gain the favor of by attention or flattery It’s funny how we have to see things in black and white to start to get a clue on what something really means. Although Mr. Webster says it best, the action of dating or courting is still unbelievably misconceived in today’s modern relationships. Often, the dating lifecycle goes as follows: Boy meets Girl. Girl likes Boy. Sexual validation that the relationship is in full play…then ultimately Boy OR Girl meets other Boy or Girl, and so the saga continues. The dilemma here is why do we as women feel that we must devote all our love, all our compassion, and most importantly ALL of our faithfulness into men who do not define their relationship as ours? Girls are molded at a young age to be devoted and maternal, while boys are taught to spread their oats and travel through life’s unyielding portals until they are tired of the lifestyle to eventually settle down as if that’s their last option at happiness. My question to you is: by definition why can’t we separate the difference from dating and from total devotion of marriage? Why do we substitute reasoning with common sense? I was in a situation once where the man in my life – for literary purposes we will call him Keith – was a perfect match, or so it seemed. We dated for a couple of years and OMG you just don’t know how bad I wanted to have this man’s baby. I wanted to be his morning and evening star. In the beginning of our “love jones,” he told me how much he wanted me to be his wife. He and I basically planned our whole lives up and through our retirement years. After a few years, I began to question why we hadn’t made the move to get married. Legalizing is maximizing… However, Keith threw me a curve ball when he stated that we no longer needed to get married. In his mind, our relationship was good, and if it is not broke, don’t fix it. He later revealed that modern-day marriage was no more than a contract. Having papers didn’t change our feelings. In essence, I started to look at things his way. Papers didn’t validate our relationship… OR did it? Our parents have always said, “Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?” Let’s examine this for a moment. A lot of us tend to shake this analogy as “old folk talk.” However, let’s consider the obvious. If you give a child a piece of candy or some13
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thing else that they desire at their will, why then should they
hoping that this man, this time, and in this moment…that he is
earn it by doing chores and following the rules? Common
the ONE. We will continue to get our faces cracked into pieces
sense tells us that if I, as a child, can get the same “reward” by
until we establish boundaries. Boundaries cannot be set
doing nothing…then why should I strive to complete the extra
UNLESS you can define what dating requires and then the
requirements for the same reward? We as women need to
more advanced marriage level. These two entities are not one
realize that if we cannot tell the difference between a “dating
and the same. With that said you cannot expect to give the
relationship” and a “marriage,” then we will always continue
man what you would offer your HUSBAND and expect the out-
to give even though the other half hasn’t fulfilled the require-
come to be the same. I heard a story once which I equate to
ment. Another example for you to mull over is similar to tak-
dating and relationships. I don’t remember if it was a docu-
ing an exam. If your teacher always gives you the answer for
mentary on Discovery channel or just a ruminant of a conver-
the exam, then why should you study when you already know
sation left in my mind. However, it centered on eagles. I know
the teacher (the giver) will always give you what you need to
you are all like what? What do eagles have to do with dating
be successful on the exam? So now it is evident that we all
and relationships? On the contrary, we can learn a lot just
have received a big fat “F” on our vocabulary subject, since we
from nature IF we took the time to open our eyes and minds.
cannot comprehend what Webster’s defines as a marriage.
At any rate, eagles have a ritual for mating just like all our
“going together,” “going out,” “seeing someone,” dating” – no
predecessors. I found it interesting and decided to apply it to
matter how you put it, you should not dump all of your ener-
the way I started dating. So the story goes that during the
gies into a relationship unless it is a marriage. All of those ex-
mating season, the female eagle is usually being chased, or in
amples are not “pre-marriage” prefixes. We tend to treat our
more familiar terms…pursued. Before she ALLOWS the male
relationships as if we are married to the other. Our expecta-
eagle to mate with her, she sends him through a series of tri-
tions are exceedingly high, and when they don’t work out, we
als. When I first heard this, I was in awe like wow – more
are left feeling bitter and wondering what or where did we go
games even in the animal realm. Now understand that there
wrong. To give a part of you is an invest-
are A LOT of suitors after this particular
ment. Do you hear that – INVESTMENT?
diva-listic bird. So here challenges begin as
We wander off our path of greatness be-
such: her first task is while the male eagle
cause we expect a RETURN on our invest-
is in pursuit she go and finds a small
ment. Yet, the kicker here is that marriage
branch. Once she retrieves her small
is the ONLY investment where the return
branch, they fly around in a series of esca-
is profitable in love and in happiness.
pades – until she breaks off in mid-flight to
When you are just “dating” someone, this
assume a higher position. What’s odd is
is the time that you are to find out if you
that while she is now flying at a high alti-
and the man are compatible. We already
tude, the male eagle stays at his position
know he is pleasing to the eye, but is he
and awaits the obvious. The diva eagle
pleasing in the wake of a storm? When you are weak, is he
drops the lightweight branch and pauses to see if the male
dependable to always be there? And most importantly, today’s
eagle catches it. Of course he does, and the chase continues.
women are strong and independent. It is in those moments we
She later finds an even heavier branch, repeats her earlier ac-
must examine if the man is just as strong when you do “trip
tions, and again the male eagle catches the medium-sized
offline.” We should not play Russian roulette with our hearts,
branch.
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Again the pursuit continues and she searches far and near until she finds a branch that is her weight. She struggles to climb the
SEXTING AND TEENS
altitude with the weight of her own in her clutches. The male swarms below and waits for her throw . She releases the branch of her weight and waits to see if the male catches this weighted branch. IF he does, then the mating begins. If he does not, she flies to other areas to allow another suitor to pursuit her. The moral of this story is that all three (3) branches represented an object in the eagle’s life; in retrospect, it also could represent what we as women should be mimicking. The first branch represented the weight of a baby eagle. Can this potential HUSBAND, not boyfriend, support additions to your Nest? Will he be a good provider for the family? The second branch represented the different dangers that await and lurk in the wild. Would this potential HUSBAND, not boyfriend, be able to handle the weight of the bills, the cars, the YARD, the chores, the strength giver, the handyman, the stresses of work, and the needed gentleness to his Queen? The third branch represented herself, that IF she should fall, that he would and could catch her. This one should have been evident to you. Why would you even consider someone to be your partner in life if they cannot support the weight that you carry alone? Meaning, can he handle the mortgage? Can he continue to raise the babies in a positive way if something happened to you? Can he take the weight of the world off of your shoulder and place it unto his own,
My boyfriend wants me to send him naked pictures. What do I do?
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ell done for asking yourself this question. It shows good judgment to stop and think about the possible downsides of a situation. In fact, you're probably asking because your gut is telling you it's not a good idea. Trust your instincts. Sharing pictures may seem private. But in reality, nothing digital is ever 100% guaranteed private. Once a picture's out there, you can't take it back. And you can't control where it ends up. The best way to avoid any problems is not to take the picture in the first place. It's natural to want to make your boyfriend happy, so it may seem hard to say no to a request like this. But here's the thing: If your boyfriend is a good guy, he'll have more respect for you when you stay true to your values.
freely? Will he place himself in your path to ensure if any harm was at bay, that you would not be affected or afflicted? If we aligned ourselves as the eagles, not only would we understand the difference between dating (being pursued) and marriage
Saying no is a chance to help your relationship grow by letting your boyfriend know more about what you believe and stand for. You can let your boyfriend down without making him feel like a creep for asking. Just make it about you. For example, here are some ideas on what you might say:
(complete commitment and understanding), we would utterly understand your boundaries and our requirements. BUT until we come to this realization, just remember that IF you’re giving all of your candy out without setting any requirements to be reached, or giving out the answers to the exam without allowing them to have to study, then inevitably you are allowing him to
"I don't feel comfortable with that. I know you won't share my pictures, but I once forwarded a message to the wrong person by mistake and I felt terrible afterward. I don't want there to be any chance of that." "I don't feel comfortable with that. What if your mom/dad/little brother/school principal got hold of your phone and saw it? What if MY mom or dad saw it?"
get the milk for free. "Photos can be so cold and impersonal. They just don't have the same meaning as being together. Ebonie Bourda
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What I'd really like is to share pictures like the ones of the bike ride we took last week. Then we don't have to worry about other people seeing them. And it reminds me how great it feels to be with you and how much fun we have together." This whole situation may scream "AWKWARD!" But it's a good way to learn about your relationship. For starters, you'll get clues into your boyfriend's personality. If he understands and accepts that you don't want to send naked pictures, it's a sign he respects and cares for you. But if he still tries to get photos from you (like if he says "don't worry, I'll delete them right away!"), it's a red flag: If he cares for you, why put you in a situation that upsets you or makes you uncomfortable? The situation also gives you clues about yourself. If you worry about saying no, is it a self-esteem issue? Or is it because your BF is more controlling about the relationship? Where's the real pressure coming from? Is your BF pressuring you or are you pressuring yourself in an attempt to make him happy? So why do people send sexy pictures? Some people mistake it for a way to feel closer. But it's actually a false sense of closeness. Photos can't replace being together and talking about the things you both consider private and personal. Sharing like this helps your bond grow stronger because you see the other person's reaction and pick up on his feelings. That doesn't happen when you hit "send" on a photograph. So let your instincts guide you, and take pride in the fact that you know yourself!
kidshealth.org Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
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QUOTES FOR THE MONTH Inspire! Motivate! Encourage! June 1: “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” – Albert Einstein
June 9: “It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that things are difficult.” – Seneca
June 18: “To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.” – Unknown
June 19: “Your time is limited; don’t waste it living someone else’s life. June 2: “The best years of your Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is life are the ones in which you deliving the result of other people’s cide your problems are your own. thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s You do not blame them on your opinion drowned your own inner mother, the ecology, or the presivoice. And most important, have the dent. You realize that you control June 11: “Some people believe holding courage to follow your heart and intuiyour own destiny.” – Albert Ellis on and hanging in there are signs of tion, they somehow already know great strength. However, there are times what you truly want to become. EveryJune 3: “The trouble with not hav- when it takes much more strength to thing else is secondary.” – Steve Jobs ing a goal is that you can spend know when to let go and then do it.” ― your life running up and down the Ann Landers June 20: “Confidence comes not from field and never score.” – Bill Copealways being right but not fearing to land June 12: “If opportunity doesn’t knock, be wrong” –Unknown build a door.” -Milton Berle June 4: “If what you’re doing is June 21: “Everything you want should not your passion, you have nothJune 13: “The sky has never been the be yours: the type of work you want; ing to lose.” - George Eliot limit. We are our own limits. It’s then the relationships you need; the social, about breaking our personal limits and mental, and aesthetic stimulation that June 5: “The person who says outgrowing ourselves to live our best will make you happy and fulfilled; the something is impossible should lives.” –Unknown money you require for the lifestyle not interrupt the person who is that is appropriate to you; and any doing it.” - Unknown June 14: “I have found that if you love requirement that you may (or may life, life will love you back” - Arthur not) have for achievement or service June 6: “Yesterday is history, toRubinstein. to others. If you don’t aim for it all, you’ll never get it all. To aim for it remorrow is a mystery. And today? quires that you know what you want” Today is a gift. That’s why we call June 15: “First they ignore you. Then ~ Richard Koch it the present.” – B. Olatunji they laugh at you. Then they fight you. Then you win.” – Mahatma Gandhi June 7: “Life isn’t about finding June 22: “Renew, release, let go. Yesyourself. Life is about creating terday’s gone. There’s nothing you can June 16: “When you can’t change the yourself” - George Bernard Shaw. do to bring it back. You can’t direction of the wind — adjust your “should’ve” done something. You can sails.” - H. Jackson Brown only DO something. Renew yourself. June 8: “What the mind can conRelease that attachment. Today is a ceive, it can achieve.” – Napoleon June 17: "Fathers, like mothers, are not new day!” ― Steve Maraboli, Hill born. Men grow into fathers - and fathering is a very important stage in their June 23: “We can't be afraid of development." -- David M. Gottesman change. You may feel very secure in June 10: “Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't.” ― Steve Maraboli
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the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea. Holding onto something that is good for you now, may be the very reason why you don't have something better.” ― C. JoyBell C. June 24: “Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” ― Dr. Seuss June 25: “Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” ― Albert Einstein June 26: “Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” ― Marilyn Monroe June 27: “Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.” ― G.K. Chesterton June 28: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ― Marianne Williamson June 29: “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” -A. A. Milne June 30: “Impossible situations can become possible miracles.” -Robert H. Schuller
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FEATURED STORY
BORN TO BE SOMEBODY This little girl that grew up in the projects of Atlantic City, lived with her grandparents, their seven kids and me and my three brothers. The one who’s mom was somewhere off getting high on heroin. I had to raise my brothers while mom was off getting high in the crack house, I can remember going to get her before school started so she could watch my brothers, her kids. Getting up in the morning while they were still asleep, going to the crack house in V.A.C, I remember like it was yesterday. I knocked on the door, a lady answered, her name was Wilamina. I said “is my mom in there?”, and as usual she said “go away!” I was always told this when I went there looking for her and her now current husband. Mom was getting high as a kite, to say the least. If she wasn’t getting high she was trying to drink every Colt 45 there was or St. Paulie Girl beer with Kool Cigarettes. You couldn’t tell my mom she wasn’t the shit, she knew she was bad and I knew she was a bad mom too. I was the oldest out of my mom’s four kids, me and three brothers. I had a different father, and I was treated differently. I was always the black sheep of our so-called family. My father died when I was little, maybe 3 or 4 years old...but I do remember getting social security checks in the mail..that’s when mom and
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one of her men would show up to collect the cash, buy enough food for three weeks then it was off for four or five days of getting high. I can remember getting left back in the sixth grade, not because I was stupid or slow, but because I had missed so many days having to stay home and watch my brother, her kids. This was the pits of hell. I remember many men in and out of our house. I had no childhood whatsoever, raising three boys that weren’t mine, but made mine. So I made a promise to myself NEVER TO BE LIKE HER IN MY LIFE! I got pregnant by a drug dealer at the age of 18. I thought I made it out of that hell hole only to find out this was just another hell hole to dig myself out of. I got a job, my first job as a daycare center cook. I knew that I did not want to be on welfare like my first and second generation. I wanted something more, a working class family, with a husband and a white picket fence. I got it, a working family, he worked so hard on beating me up every day, I thought it was love. He would beat me in front of my daughter and in front of my family and no one helped. This guy, my daughter’s father, was the dope man, their supplier; of course they chose the dope. Finally I had enough and gave full custody of our daughter to her father. He was a great dad but he wasn’t a good boyfriend. I
packed what I could carry and moved to Philly with one bag. I paid child support, had visitation, the roles were reversed. I was now the dad and he was now the mom. I started seeing a married man, I knew I was the Jefferson's and moving on up! He wasn’t a drug dealer but he had legal money making six figures. I had everything if I wanted instantly. I dated this married man for eleven years. I knew my role, don’t call on holidays, call on the weekends, stay in your place and ride this thing out. I had my cake and was eating it too. I had furs, BMW's, the finest hotels, flew first class everywhere, and we took exotic vacations. I didn’t care or ask where his wife was, I was living the life. My daughter with her father, I wasn’t getting beat, but still seeing other men and getting money, Gucci bags, Louie bags, you name it, I had it! I would tell him, “You got to pay to play”. He had something I wanted, money. I had something he wanted, sex. It seemed like a fair exchange. However, he still didn’t belong to me and had to go home. I was lonely, so I started praying and going to church asking the Lord to send me a husband that would be all mine, a man who wouldn’t beat me but support and love me. I felt convicted going to church; I learned to let go and let GOD. I was done with that married man in 2006. I moved back to New Jersey, I had to do some purging before GOD could move someone in, and HE DID. My husband, my strength, my hero, God is good all the time. God kept me when I thought I was going to lose my mind. I am now happily married with a great catering business, with great friends and a great church family to replace the ones I lost along the way. GOD REPLACES, AND FILLS THOSE HOLES. My husband and I are both saved, we just got baptized last year, and we trust GOD. So with that, if GOD CAN AND WANTS TO DO IT FOR ME HE CAN AND WANTS TO DO IT FOR YOU TOO. I thought I had committed the sin of all sins, sleeping with a married man....GOD HATES THE SIN NOT THE PERSON. GOD LOVES ALL OF US.
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The Low Down on STIs What’s Your Status?
S
exually transmitted infections (STIs)—the name pretty much says it all…they are infections that you catch through sexual contact. There’s a lot of different ones and their treatment, symptoms, and severity depend on which STI you’re talking about. The bottom line, though? You don’t want to get any of these. The surest way to avoid STIs is to avoid having sex. If you are having sex, though, make sure you’re using birth control that protects against STIs each and every single time you have sex. In case you haven’t heard: STIs can affect anyone—women and men of all ages and racial and ethnic backgrounds. Teens and young adults get STIs more often than any other age group. About 3 million teens get STIs every year; that means about one-quarter of sexually active teens gets an STI every year. You can get an STI by having any kind of sex, including vaginal, oral, and anal sex. Some types of STIs can be transmitted by skin-to-skin contact or even just plain old kissing. This means that it’s super important to know your partner before being intimate with them. It is often impossible to tell if someone has an STI. Sometimes STIs have symptoms that people can see or feel. But sometimes they don't. Even if you can’t see signs of infection, STIs can still be passed to another person. Also, some people confuse symptoms related to certain STIs with something more harmless like a common yeast infection (which is not an STI). Some STIs can be treated and will go away, but others can’t be cured. In these incurable cases, you can only try to suppress the symptoms and manage the condition. Left untreated, some STIs can lead to serious health complications, including pelvic inflammatory
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disease, organ damage, infertility, cervical cancer, or even death. If you think you have a problem, you need to see your doctor right away. Reduce the Risk There are lots of ways to reduce your risk of getting an STI. The most foolproof way to avoid STIs—not to mention unplanned pregnancy—is to not have sex at all. If you are having sex, though, there are other ways to reduce your risk. Start Talking: Talk with your partner(s) about STIs, their sexual history, and how to avoid risks before you have sex. Open communication encourages trust and respect among partners and helps reduce the risks for STIs. Plus, it’s the perfect time to figure out what kind of birth control you’re going to use…that way, you’re not waiting until you’re in the heat of the moment. Practice Safer Sex: Condoms—both the male and female variety—work really well at stopping the spread of most STIs when they are used consistently and correctly every single time a person has sex. Lots of people don’t know how to use a condom correctly, which can make them more susceptible to STIs. Make sure you know how to use a condom. Also, be aware that condoms made from lambskin—also known as “natural condoms”—don’t protect against STIs.
Be Prepared: Part of making good decisions about sex is being prepared for any situation. It doesn’t matter if you're a guy or a girl, if you’re going to have sex with someone (or just think you might) you should be ready. Have condoms with you and be sure that the person you’re with has been tested and is STI-free. Get Tested: Testing can help you learn whether you or your partner(s) have an STI. Many STIs don’t have obvious physical symptoms, so you can’t just assume that neither of you has an STI—just because someone looks clean and healthy doesn’t mean that they are. Also, some STIs may not be detectable through testing for a few weeks—or even months—so you should talk to your health care provider about the right time to get tested. Limit Your Sexual Partners: If you are going to have sex, have it with just one person and make sure you know his or her sexual history. The fewer partners you have, the less chance you’ll get an STI. Avoid alcohol and drug use: If you're drunk or high, it's hard to make good decisions about sex—lots of teens say they’ve done something when using drugs or alcohol that they might not have done if they were sober. Avoiding alcohol and drug use reduces the risk of contracting an STI, getting pregnant, or being coerced into having sex.
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ypes of STIs Here are some common STIs that should be on your radar screen: Chalmydia: Chlamydia is the #1 STI in the United States. It is a bacterial infection that is passed during sexual contact and can infect the penis, vagina, cervix, anus, urethra, eye, or throat. The good news? Chlamydia can easily be cured with antibiotics. The bad news? Many teens don’t know they have it because it usually has no symptoms. If left untreated, it can cause serious health problems. You can use condoms to reduce your risk of getting chlamydia. Crabs: These little bloodsucking bugs (eww!) nest in pubic hair and cause a lot of itching. Gross right? No contraception on the market right now will protect you from crabs. You can get them just by touching or being close to someone who has them—even if you don't have sex! They can actually jump from one person's pubic hair to another's and you can also can get them by sleeping in a bed, wearing clothes, or sitting on a toilet seat that crabs have infected. Totally treatable, but totally gross. Gonorrhea: Gonorrhea—a.k.a “the clap”—is caused by bacteria that grows and multiplies easily in the warm, moist areas of your body, including the cervix, uterus, fallopian tubes, urethra, anus, mouth, throat, and eyes. Gonorrhea is pretty serious; if it isn't treated, it can lead to sterility, arthritis, ectopic pregnancy, and heart problems. Yikes. More than 600,000 new cases of gonorrhea are re-
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ported every year in the U.S. but the good news is that Gonorrhea is easy to treat with antibiotics. Condoms help protect against gonorrhea. Herpes: Herpes is a very common infection caused by two types of viruses that can affect your mouth (oral herpes) or genitals (genital herpes). Herpes is very easy to catch and can spread through touching, kissing, and/or sex with an infected person. Brief skin-to-skin contact is all that's needed to pass the virus and there’s no cure for it—once you have it, you’ll have it forever (although there are some treatments out there to help you manage your symptoms). The most common symptom of genital herpes is a cluster of blistery sores but there are actually millions of people who do not know they have herpes because they’ve never had the symptoms. It’s crucial that, if you’re going to have sex, you know your partner’s history and use condoms every time you have sex (condoms can help prevent the spread of the disease). HIV/AIDS: HIV is passed to sex partners through blood, semen, seminal fluid (pre-cum), and vaginal fluids. You can get HIV from direct contact, like having vaginal, anal, or oral sex, or sharing injection drug needles and syringes. Sometimes there are no signs of HIV at first—you might not know for sure that you’ve been infected until you get a blood test. Also, many people with HIV look healthy, but they can still transmit HIV. There is no cure, but treatments can help people with HIV/AIDS live for many years. Condoms offer
protection against HIV, which is most often spread through unprotected sex. HPV/Genital warts: HPV—the human papilloma virus—affects millions of teens and is spread by skin-to-skin contact, usually during vaginal, anal, or oral sex. A few types of HPV can lead to cervical cancer and other genital cancers and a few types can lead to genital warts. There is currently no treatment to cure HPV itself. Fortunately, there's an HPV vaccine, which protects against the types of HPV that cause most cases of cervical cancer and the types that cause most cases of genital warts. The vaccine is most effective if you get it before you become sexually active. Syphilis: Syphilis is a sexually transmitted infection caused by bacteria that is passed from person to person through direct contact with a syphilis sore. Sores occur mainly on the genitals, vagina, anus, or in the rectum. Sores can also occur on the lips and in the mouth. Syphilis is especially contagious in the early stages of the disease, when sores are present. Even though it is curable with antibiotics, if syphilis isn't treated, it can cause serious damage to your brain, heart, nervous system, and eventually lead to death. For more information on these STIs and to learn about other ones not on our list, check out the American Social Health Association’s iwannaknow.org.
For more information on STI visit www.stayteen.org
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