Lisa Chase dissertation

Institute for Clinical Social Work

WIVES’ TALES: THE EXPERIENCE OF TRANS PARTNERS

A Dissertation Submitted to the Faculty of the Institute for Clinical Social Work in Partial Fulfillment for the Degree of Doctor of Philosophy

By LISA M. CHASE

Chicago, Illinois February, 2010

ABSTRACT

A qualitative study explores the subjective experience of six Caucasian female subjects, ranging in age from 38 to 63 years, who are coupled with a trans-person undergoing a gender transition by means of hormones and/or surgery. A psychoanalytic case-study design is used that consists of five hours of interviews to collect in-depth and reflective data that was analyzed and interpreted for both within-case and cross-case findings. Cross-case findings include themes identified as: 1. Adolescence revisited, 2. Narrative retroactively modified, 3. Complications of mourning loss, 4. Provocative assertions preceding the transition, and 5. Constructing a frame of reference.

Contributing to a baseline of knowledge on this population are nine stages these subjects experienced as a result of their significant others’ gender transition.

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To the memory of my late, beloved mother, Mary P. Chase—I wish she could have been in my life much longer than she was. And also to Charlaine J. Skeel for being a primary figure in my life, the one who knew what I needed long before I did. I will be eternally grateful to her for being so much more than “good enough.”

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All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.

Anatole France (1881)

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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

First, I want to thank the subjects in this study, Morgan, Riley, Charlie, Sam, Taylor, and Kennedy, who so willingly shared their experience and, in doing so, demonstrated an enormous amount of courage and compassion.

I wish to express my appreciation to the members of my dissertation committee for their role as teachers, mentors, and clinical supervisors: Jennifer Tolleson, Ph.D., for challenging me every step of the way; Dennis McCaughan, Ph.D., for a refreshing perspective; Sherwood Faigen, M.A., for theoretical advice; Carol Ganzer, Ph.D., for inspiring and supporting me as a writer; and Paul O’Hara, M.A., for encouraging me throughout this entire process.

I sincerely thank Mary Boehlke for containing my anxiety when I was inundated with data. And to my dear friend, Linda Reiss, who indulged my incessant requests for dialogue and provided ongoing editorial work and support, I am truly grateful.

And most importantly, I want to thank my partner, Ann DeLaVergne, for whom I have the deepest love and greatest respect and appreciation. Had it not been for her years of support, encouragement, and reminders to notice the wind and sun on my face from time to time, the completion of this study would not have been possible.

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Page ABSTRACT........................................................................................................................ ii ACKNOWLEDGMENTS ...................................................................................................v LIST OF TABLES ........................................................................................................... viii GLOSSARY ...................................................................................................................... ix Chapter I. INTRODUCTION ...............................................................................................1 II. LITERATURE REVIEW....................................................................................6 Historical Overview Theoretical and Conceptual Framework Literature Related to the Theoretical Framework III. METHODOLOGY .........................................................................................27 Participant Recruitment Description of Participants Data Collection Interview Process Data Analysis Statement on Protecting the Rights of Human Subjects

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TABLE OF CONTENTS--Continued

Chapter

Page

IV. RESULTS .......................................................................................................34 Demographic Profile With-in Case Analyses Subject 1: The Case of Morgan Subject 2: The Case of Riley Subject 3: The Case of Charlie Subject 4: The Case of Sam Subject 5: The Case of Taylor Subject 6: The Case of Kennedy The Wives’ Tales Intersubjective Encounters V. DISCUSSION AND CONCLUSIONS .........................................................231 Trans-transient Community Language to Reflect Culture Limitations of the Study Implications of Clinical Practice and Policy Conclusions and Implications for Future Research Appendixes A. RECRUITMENT FLYER...................................................................244 B. TELEPHONE SCRIPT .......................................................................246 C. INFORMED CONSENT FORM ........................................................249 D. DEMOGRAPHIC INTERVIEW ........................................................252 REFERENCES ........................................................................................252

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LIST OF TABLES

Table

Page 1. Subject Identifying Data from Demographic Interviews ...................................35 2. Categories of Meaning .....................................................................................213 3. Model for Stages of Non-transitioning Partners ..............................................242

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GLOSSARY

Theoretical and Operational Definitions of Major Concepts Some of the terms and definitions in this glossary are taken from the following sources: Brown & Rounsley (1996), Erhardt (2007), Lev (2004), and Noil (2006).

Biological sex or sex: A term used to historically and within the medical field to identify genetic/biological/hormonal/physical characteristics (including genitalia), which are used to classify an individual as female, male, or inter-sex.

Bottom surgery: Genital surgery.

Butch: A term commonly used in the LGBT community to describe masculine females.

Cross-dresser: A person who, on occasion, wears clothing considered typical for another gender, but who does not necessarily desire to change their gender. Reasons for cross-dressing can range from a need to express a feminine or masculine side to attainment of erotic gratification. Cross-dressers can be of any sexual orientation.

Many cross-dressers identify as heterosexual.

Drag King: Females who exaggerate a masculine presentation for the entertainment of others or for their own pleasure.

Drag Queen: Males who exaggerate a feminine presentation for the entertainment of others or for their own pleasure.

Dyke: A term used to describe a masculine lesbian.

FTM (female to male): The acronym used to identify a person assigned a female gender at birth (or who is female-bodied) and who identifies as a male, lives as a man or identifies as masculine.

Femme: A term used to describe a feminine lesbian.

GLBT: The acronym used to refer to the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender community. ix

GLOSSARY-Continued

Gender Benders: The integration of femininity and masculinity in either subtle or extreme ways.

Gender identity: The inner sense of being a man, a male, a woman, a female, both, neither, butch, femme, two-spirit, bi-gender or another configuration of gender.

Gender identity usually matches with one’s physical anatomy but sometimes does not. Gender identity includes one’s sense of self and the image that one presents to the world.

Gender-queer/fluid gender: A term used by some people who may or may not fit on the spectrum of trans, or be labeled as trans, but who identify their gender and sexual orientation to be somewhere on the continuum in between or outside the binary gender system altogether.

Gender role: The social expectations of how an individual should behave, think, and feel, based upon one’s assigned gender, the social expectation that an individual must be defined as a man or woman.

Gender transition period: The process of moving from one gender identity to another through hormonal and surgical treatments and the physical change that accompany them.

Hermaphrodite: A term used for individuals born with ambiguous genitalia that are either fully or partially developed, and often result in the parents or physicians making an arbitrary decision by assigning the infant to either a male or female gender.

Hormone replacement therapy (HRT): The administration of hormones to develop characteristics of a different gender than the one that was assigned. This is a process, possibly lifelong, of taking hormones to change one’s internal body chemistry. Hormone therapy is safest when administered by a medical professional and after discussion of potential health risks.

Intersex: A term that was originally referred to as “hermaphrodites.” These individuals are born with ambiguous genitalia that are either fully or partially developed, and often result in the parents or physicians making an arbitrary decision by assigning the infant to either a male or female gender.

LGBT: The acronym used to refer to the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender community.

MTF (male to female): The acronym used to identify a person assigned a male gender at birth (or who is male-bodied) and who identifies as a female, lives as a woman or identifies as feminine. x

GLOSSARY-Continued

No Fly Zone: A term used to indicate that the genitalia and/or breasts are off limits.

Non-op: A trans person who is not planning on having surgery. Usually they are living part or full-time as the desired gender. Sometimes they are not having surgery because they choose not to and sometimes because they are a surgical risk (or have some other medical condition) and cannot find a doctor to take them on as a patient.

Passing or to pass: Terms used to describe a person who is passing or appears to be perceived to the outside world as the transitioned gender.

Pre-op: A trans person who has not yet had surgery but is planning to, usually during the real life test.

Post-op: A trans person who has had some or all of their sexual reassignment surgery.

Real life test (RLT): The Harry Benjamin Standards of Care require that all trans live for a minimum of one year as the desired gender before surgery.

Standards of Care: The Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association (HBIGDA): Harry Benjamin was one of the first doctors to do SRS. In 1979, a group of caregivers (psychologists, physicians, etc.) and he wrote up a list of guidelines for caregivers.

Sex reassignment surgery (SRS) or Gender reassignment surgery (GRS): These terms are used interchangeably and refer to the surgery or surgeries that medically alter the body, especially in regards to genitalia or secondary sex characteristics. Surgery is sought to attain harmony between one’s body and one’s gender identity.

Stone Butch: A term used to refer to butch lesbians who achieve sexual pleasure from satisfying their partner while avoiding any touch to their own body.

T: The letter used to refer to Testosterone treatment.

Top surgery: A double mastectomy.

Trans: A term used to describe an individual who believes that the body they were born with does not match the gender that they believe they are supposed to be, or feel they are inside. The active changes to the biological gender through sex reassignment surgery, hormone therapy, or breast binding result in being considered the opposite gender of that which was assigned at birth.

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GLOSSARY-Continued Transgender (TG): A term used to describe those who transgress social gender norms; often used as an umbrella term to include drag queens, cross-dressers, drag kings, transsexuals and inter-sexed people (to include transman, transwoman, trannie, transperson).

Transvestite: The original term for cross-dresser that has acquired a connotation of fetishism and perversion.

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CHAPTER I

INTRODUCTION

There is an abundance of literature on the phenomenon of trans1 individuals and their experience in transitioning from one gender to another; however, it is difficult to find articles on the experience of the partner of the trans (see, for example, Califia, 1997; Leli & Drescher, 2004). Huxley, Kenna, and Brandon (1981b) attribute this lack of research to the inaccessibility of partners of trans, given that they are not the one seeking services for hormone replacement therapy (HRT) or sexual reassignment surgery (SRS).

Without literature with actual accounts of personal experiences to represent partners, there is great potential for numerous assumptions that may be not only inaccurate but also damaging to partners. Califia’s (1997) reference to partners as the “invisible gender outlaws” (p. 196) is an example of the erroneous supposition implying that partners are criminals. Furthermore, Califia surmises that in the 1950s and 1960s if partners of trans acknowledged needing assistance or support in adjusting to the transition, they might have been perceived as undermining the idea of the curative aspects of their partner’s transition. It has been essential for trans to maintain the conviction that by transitioning from one gender to the other a cure takes place, because of their concern that physicians 1

The term trans is being used here to refer to individuals who have undergone a gender transition through hormone replacement therapy and/or sexual reassignment surgery. In addition, the subjects of this study preferred the term trans be used rather than transsexual.

2 and insurance companies might refuse services if there were any doubt cast on transitioning as curative. In fact, it did not take long before trans learned that the criteria used for determining approval of surgeries and hormone replacement therapy were based on the Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association’s (HBIGDA) Standards of Care (Denny, 2004, p. 29). Without hesitation, trans presented narratives consistent with the criteria utilized for gaining acceptance of surgery (Denny, 2004). The idea of partners speaking out by acknowledging a need for support was too much of a risk and may have jeopardized the trans’ ability to transition.

Clearly, the process of transitioning from one gender to another has an impact on partners, and although it may be understandable as to why some may not come forward to give voice to their experience, it is important they do. The objective of this study was to provide an analysis of six individuals’ subjective experience of their partner’s gender transition. An exploration of how partners make sense of the transition as they reflect in retrospect upon their emotions and behaviors, specific incidents, conversations with others, and various ways that may or may not have assisted them in making the adjustment was vital to understanding their experience. The research question, What is the experience of partners of trans during the gender transition period? was meant to provide subjective information about the ways that this population makes sense psychologically, emotionally, physically, socially, and culturally of their partner’s transition.

3 Conducting a study on the experience of partners of trans during the gender transition period2 is critical to the mental health field not only in being able to provide more effective clinical services but also in helping to remedy the scarcity of literature available at present. Considering that this population has been and continues to be ostracized by various groups in our society (Califia, 1997), it is essential that clinicians do their best to understand each individual no matter how different from or similar they may be to others. Because of the growing number of individuals undergoing sexual reassignment surgery in the past three decades (Califia, 1997), clinicians need to educate themselves about the complex issues involved.

Although trans make the transition from one gender to another in a very intentional way, their partners are in some way only bystanders. However, the partners make a transition, too, simply because their partner changes gender. This transition may occur by remaining in a committed relationship to their partner. When one person changes gender, the entire relationship identity changes from being heterosexual to homosexual or vice versa. Califia (1997) points out that by simply enduring the transition, partners have created a unique sexual minority subculture. As clinicians, it is our ethical responsibility to educate ourselves about all cultures and subcultures that we may potentially treat in psychotherapy.

The researcher’s interest in this study was based on clinical experience in working with trans patients. While keeping a professional curiosity about patients at the forefront, 2

For the purposes of this study, the gender transition period refers to the process of moving from one gender identity to another through hormonal and/or surgical treatments and the physical change that accompanies them.

4 this researcher sought out a clinical and theoretical framework with which to understand this phenomenon. In doing so, the researcher experienced serious disappointment because of the scarcity of literature on the partner’s experience of the gender transition period.

In the midst of clinical work with the trans population, therefore, the researcher became curious about the partners of trans. From a clinical standpoint, several questions surfaced that pertained to an interest in knowing if and how the partner works through the issues that surface during such a tumultuous transition. Is there conflict in these relationships that seem to be centered on the upheaval of uncertainty about the stability of the relationship during the gender transition period? Are there numerous complaints from trans about their partners that arise with a growing intensity during the transition period?

How is the trans’ overwhelming expression of feeling an enormous increase in libido in conjunction with decreased levels of intimacy and sexual activity understood by the partner? How does a partner make sense of the trans’ shift in sexual fantasies about both genders when this has not been the case prior to the gender transition period? Is it not unusual to hear reports of more distance between couples and sudden shifts in life goals, such as a sudden sense of urgency to have children, with full knowledge that the trans’ partners have had no intention of parenting prior to the transition?

As clinicians and one of the patient’s objects,3 there is an ongoing need to make adjustments. For example, changing the pronoun “she” to “he” and vice versa when referring to these patients in their presence can be difficult. There is concern about accidentally referring to patients in the feminine or masculine out of habit, which could

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The term object refers to either an individual, aspects or parts of an individual, or symbols of one or the other (Rycroft, 1995, p. 113).

5 be misinterpreted as being disrespectful of the transition. Furthermore, upon returning telephone calls to patients, it often takes a deliberate effort to refer to them by the newly gender identified name rather than the pretransition, familiar one.

The researcher’s clinical experience and theoretical curiosity was based on a genuine desire to understand more than just the experience of trans. The ideas involving the experience of the partners became an increasing area of interest. In thinking about relationships and all the complex aspects of intimate connections, including psychological, biological, physiological, and sociological, it is difficult to know what it must feel like to have a mate reject her or his own body, the very body that the partner has come to know so fondly. Given that people are drawn to one another based on unique qualities and characteristics, the experience of a fundamental change is profound. How must it feel to have one’s partner alter the physical body that one has held in one’s arms, caressed, and made love to? Do partners experience loss? Do they grieve? Do they celebrate? Does the gender transition period affect the partners’ own identity, and if so, in what way? Are partners not faced with questions about themselves related to their own identity or sexual orientation? Do they ask themselves, “What does this mean about me?”

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CHAPTER II

LITERATURE REVIEW

Historical Overview What was most surprising about discovering a meager amount of literature on the partners of trans was that there is more than 200 years of documented evidence confirming the existence of the Trans4 population throughout Europe and America (Bullough, 1975). Although it is telling that the majority of these records come from magazines and newspapers rather than professional journals, there is no denying that people have been living as though they were members of the opposite biological sex for centuries. Even in ancient Greek mythology there were legends of gender transformation among kings and prophets. For example, Zeus was the king of gods and clearly male, yet he gave birth to Athena; the Theban prophet Tiresias was transformed from a man into a woman; and the son of Hermes and Aphrodite was physically joined with the body of the woman who ruthlessly pursued him, and consequently was named Hermaphroditus (Evslin, 1975).

The deficiency in professional literature on the Trans population until the last several decades is disturbing, yet not uncommon. After all, much of what has been 4

The term Trans is being used here because the word transsexual, created by early pioneer Magnus Hirschfeld, did not exist until 1923, when he made a distinction between transvestism, a term he coined in 1910, and transsexualism. However, in current times, both these terms (transsexual and transvestite) would be considered to fall along the lines of a more all encompassing transgender spectrum.

7 recorded throughout history has been embellished (Morales, 1998). For example, were there actually more women passing as men in ancient times (Bullough, 1975) or did the incidence of men passing as women simply go underreported?

Even though there were many women and men passing as the opposite gender, it was not until 1912 when the first sexual reassignment surgery (SRS) was performed in Berlin, Germany (Bullough, 2000; Pfaefflin, 1997). Pfaefflin indicated that Hirschfeld, Sigmund Freud, and Harry Benjamin were the legendary sexologists of the early 1900s.

Because the terminology for this population continues to expand and has often been used interchangeably over the years (Brown & Rounsley, 1996; Bullough, 2000), it is necessary to discuss the evolution of this process in order to know more specifically to whom the partners of this study are partnered or married.

In the 1970s, nearly half a century after Hirschfeld identified specific traits that distinguished transvestites from transsexuals, Virginia Prince added the term transgender to the mix. Prince was a transvestite who despised transsexuals and wanted to separate herself, as a married heterosexual, from those who identified as transsexuals and homosexuals (King & Ekins, 2000). However, by the early 1980s, the term transgender began to take on an entirely different meaning. Identifying as transgender was beginning to encompass a whole range of gender-variant individuals (Brown & Rounsley, 1996; Bullough, 2000; Leli & Drescher, 2004). Currently, transgender includes a variety of identities, such as transsexuals, fetish and non-fetishistic cross-dressers, drag queens (Gagne, Tewksbury, & McGaughey, 1997), intersexed, transmen, transgendered women, FTMs, MTFs, feminine identified males, masculine identified females (Lev, 2004),

8 androgyne, drag kings, stone butches, pre-op, post-op, non-op, femmes, hermaphrodites, bi-gendered (Israel & Tarver, 1997), female and male impersonators, and gender benders (Brown & Rounsley). A transgender person can be heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or nonsexual (Lev).

Clearly, the definition of transgender covers a lot of territory and gives the impression that almost anyone can consider her- or himself to be transgender. This is precisely the point. Israel and Tarver (1997) explain that it is important for this population to have such variation in terms because they not only represent the impetus to defy society’s limitations but also exhibit the determination to exercise a sense of power.

Yet for the purposes of this study, the researcher will specifically request partners of trans rather than those of transgendered individuals. This specification is simply to clarify for the participants that they must have experienced their partner’s gender transition period in order to participate in this study. Obviously, not all those who fit under the umbrella of transgender will have had this experience. However, this is not to negate the significance of identity variation among this population. In fact, by selecting their personal descriptive words, they are exerting a sense of identity and using the power of language in defining themselves.

The significance and influence of language is apparent not only in the use of words, stories, and histories but even more so in the omission of them. A good example of this lapse can be seen in the failure to include women, people of color, and children in history books, which has sent a powerful societal message for years (Morales, 1998). The issue surrounding the lack of reference to these groups of people is similar to that of the

9 partners of trans. Yet, this does not mean that they do not exist. Partners of trans are alive and well, and yet how are we to understand the fact that little has been written about them?

The reason for the absence of professional literature on this population is unclear; however, there are those who have speculated about this fact. For instance, Lev (2004) explained that many believe the partnerships or marriages of trans do not endure the gender transition period. In fact, Huxley et al.’s (1981a) study confirms this idea in reporting that 40% of the partnered transsexual participants’ marriages resulted in either a separation or a divorce. Indeed, the implication that it is rare for trans to have partners is incorrect; on the contrary, trans do have committed relationships. However, the reality exists that there are those who have not been able to endure the gender transition of their partner.

Often, the few publications that do exist depict the partners of trans in misleading and contradictory ways. It is evident that there is little known about the types of relationships that partners and spouses form with their trans partners, much less specifically pertaining to their experience during the transition period. Yet some portray the partners of trans as pathological. An example of this is illustrated in Huxley et al.’s (1981b) study with the idea that a shared delusion or folie à deux is needed for couples to stay together. In other words, as long as both parties in the couple believe that the trans person is a biological female, even though he was born a biological male, the relationship has a better chance of surviving. This implies that one of the requirements for preserving the relationship is for partners to share a fantasy. In concurrence with this idea is Steiner

10 and Bernstein’s (1981) study of 21 female partners and their female to male (FTM) trans partners in discovering that they, too, identified themselves as heterosexual. Although the FTM trans were born females without a penis, they strongly emphasized not being homosexual. In fact, only one of the 21 female partners had ever had a homosexual experience with another woman. Even in finding that these relationships were stable, long-term, and enduring, the perplexity of why a female would choose a penis-less man for a lifetime companion remained (Steiner & Bernstein).

An on-going exploration led to more confusion than clarification for this researcher in an attempt to understand Huxley et al.’s (1981b) second study, particularly pertaining to a reference to “the bond of affection between partners, the pattern of dominance between them, and the sexual needs of the partner” (p. 143) as being the glue that holds trans couples together. It is not clear how these findings incorporate the information about the promiscuity of the trans as well as the partner’s expressed disinterest in having an active sex life with a trans partner (Huxley et al., 1981a).

Unfortunately, it is impossible to make sense of these data without further discussion and more details about each individual partner’s psychic integration of the information provided.

Seil (2004), a psychiatrist who has treated 271 trans patients and several trans couples within a 22 year period, reports it is fairly common for partners to lose interest in a sexual relationship with their trans partner during the gender transition period.

However, the transition period is typically a time when the trans experiences an increase in libido. Furthermore, Rakic, Starcevic, Maric, and Kelin, (1996) identify a difference in

11 orgasmic capacity between male to female (MTF) and FTM trans, indicating that the ability to have an orgasm decreases in MTFs and increases in FTM after having undergone sex reassignment surgery.

Califia (1997) points out that the females partnered with FTM trans often experience a decrease in positive feelings about their own body as a result of their partner’s transition. As one might expect, the rejection of their trans partner’s female body has an impact on them about their own bodies. Cunningham (1998) concurs that people are deeply affected by their partner’s transition yet explains that the significance of their experience is diminished in light of the success of the trans’s gender transition.

For example, Daskalos (1998) fails to acknowledge the likelihood that partners may experience distress when discovering that their trans partner’s sexual orientation changed following the transition. Instead, once again, the focus was on the fact that six of the 20 trans participants in the study reported a change in their sexual orientation after transitioning from male to female. Even though these MTFs considered themselves to be heterosexual and had no prior homosexual experience with other men, they reported that their sexual orientation shifted from females to males following their gender transition period. Obviously with such dramatic changes going on with the trans during the gender transition period, the partners are going to be affected in what has, at times, resulted in seemingly insurmountable difficulties.

It is not uncommon for partners to respond to the news of their partners’ transgenderism with feelings of guilt, inadequacy, abandonment, confusion, shock, anger, depression, betrayal, and anxiety (Cunningham, 1998; Gurvich, 1991; Lev, 2004). In fact,

12 some marriages and partnerships end in divorce or separation because of the difficulty in adjusting to not only their partner’s new identity but to their own as well (Cunningham; Lev). Cunningham provides an example of a woman’s response to her husband and her child’s father’s transgenderism in the following statements: “I felt I’d caused this, by being too feminine or not feminine enough. It caused me confusion, too—if he’s not a man, then what am I? A lesbian? A man?” (p. 38).

Because this population has remained in the background for so long, it has been nearly impossible to obtain information that assists partners in understanding and managing their own emotional and physical responses to their trans partner’s gender transition period. In an effort to acknowledge the support that family members of trans, including partners, need, Lev (2004), a licensed clinical social worker who has worked with the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) community for the past 20 years, developed a four-stage model, “Family Emergence Stages,” that describes the impact on family members of trans. Lev’s model identifies the following stages: Stage One— Discovery and Disclosure; Stage Two—Turmoil; Stage Three—Negotiation; and Stage Four—Finding Balance. Although this kind of model is long overdue, it is important to point out that the degree to which partners adjust varies greatly depending on their individual experience. Therefore, this model is not applicable to all partners, as some individuals do demonstrate a negligible impact caused by their trans partner’s change (Lev).

Although this model is useful, it seems only to scratch the surface of describing each individual’s subjective experience. The questions that pertain to how partners cope

13 with marital, sexual, social, and family issues (Lev, 2004) are interpersonally focused.

However, the question that seems most important, at least to this researcher, concerns the ways in which the partners absorb, integrate, or reject the experience of the trans’s gender transition period intrapsychically.

Theoretical and Conceptual Framework In considering the complexity of psychic structure and how such a fundamental change as transitioning from one gender to the other may affect the partner of the trans, the researcher has selected a psychoanalytic object relations framework from which to guide the literature review. Using concepts from psychoanalytic theory will allow for an in-depth exploration and understanding of the intricacies of each individual’s experience.

From Freud on, psychoanalytic theorists have held a basic assumption in their effort to understand how the ties or attachments to the primary caretaker affect the internal processes of the human mind. It is the infants’ internalization of their experience with the primary relationship that begins to create their psychic structure, which in turn shapes their character and motivates them to establish and maintain significant adult relationships throughout life. Therefore, the kinds of relationships that are formed later in life depend heavily on this very early complex process. Understanding the development of psychic structure and how one organizes oneself intrapsychically is central to understanding why each individual responds differently to experiences and events.

Given that the aim of this study was to explore and understand the feelings, thoughts, fantasies, and behaviors of the partners of trans, it was essential that the

14 researcher identify the connections among the internalization of the individual’s primary relationships and the relationships that are sought and maintained in adult life, because adult relationships reflect and evoke those internalized primary relationship structures. It is important not only to understand the meaning that partners attach to their relationship experiences in the past and in the present but it is also imperative to know how their partners’ transition affects their own sense of identity. Considering whether the objectchoice5 of partners does or does not change on an intrapsychic level during or after the gender transition period is another unexplored area. Does the gender transition experience mean that the non-transitioning partners’ object choice changes psychically? If so, how is this experience psychologically integrated and organized? And, does the gender or sexual orientation of the partner affect the ability to acclimate to a change as fundamental as this?

Literature Related to the Theoretical Framework Object Relations Nearly a century ago, Freud (1914/1953b) wrote his article, “On Narcissism: An Introduction,” one of two essays that formed the basis for psychoanalytic theories of object relations, the other being “Mourning and Melancholia” (1917/1953c). In conceptualizing the way the mind and body work together, Freud proposed the psychosexual developmental phases of life. Each phase consists of specific tasks to be 5

The term object-choice is used here to describe the type of relationship or sexual orientation of an individual, such as a homosexual object-choice or a heterosexual object-choice (LaPlanche & Pontalis, 1973).

15 accomplished, and as mastery of these tasks becomes attainable, the stage is set for further development. In the earliest phases of development, a large portion of the libido is directed toward oneself or the ego. This narcissistic deployment of libido is associated with organ pleasure, such as thumb sucking and other bodily pleasures (Rycroft, 1995).

As development continues and the infant experiences a “good enough environment” (Winnicott, 1986, p. 22) where the primary object responds adequately to the infant’s physical and emotional needs by adapting to its inherent temperament, the creation of mental representations or images of the primary object becomes evident, and libido is more and more directed toward the object. Hinshelwood (1991) summarizes Klein’s6 description of this internal process by explaining, “What is represented in unconscious phantasy is a relationship between the self [ego] and an object in which the object is motivated with certain impulses, good or bad, related to . . . the subject” (p.

363).

The internalizations or mental representations of infants are based on both their actual experiences in an interpersonal relationship and their wishes or fantasies (Moore & Fine, 1990). The importance of this process is that it allows the infant to distribute libido to other objects in addition to himself; hence, object-libido. However, when the libido is redirected toward the ego instead of toward the external world or an object, narcissism is at the forefront. In Freud’s theory, a distinction between the object-libido and narcissistic or ego-libido can be made by pointing out that they are opposites, and in order for one to be gratified, the other is diminished (1914/1953b). However, some later theorists, such as 6

Klein’s object relations theory differs from Freud’s in that she rejects a primary stage of narcissism in favor of the idea that infants are born with a primary relationship with the object (Hinshelwood, 1991, p.

278).

16 Kohut (1966), have argued that object libido and narcissistic libido coexist rather than constitute opposites.

There are several ways in which narcissism does or does not manifest itself. For example, if individuals have a love object in their lives, they have given up a part of their narcissism; or if the libido is not repressed, the individual is free to love another. In other words, if the focus is on the ego-libido, then narcissism is heightened, and if the focus is on the object-libido, then (object) love toward another is heightened and a giving up of some part of narcissism happens as a result (Freud, 1914/1953b).

Freud’s final libidinal phase of life is the genital stage, which follows the Oedipus complex, when individuals seek sexual gratification from genital contact. Reaching this final phase means that the individual is capable of attaining a mature love relationship with a partner or love object.

The application of these concepts is relevant to this study in considering the way in which individuals in all types of relationships, whether they be heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or transsexual, experience a shift in libido from themselves to their love object or vice versa. A plausible speculation that this study confirmed was that partners experience a withdrawal of object-libido from their transsexual partners given the likelihood that, at least initially, trans are preoccupied with their own metamorphosis.

Although it is natural for one to turn inward for self-preservation when experiencing an ordeal as major as a gender change, the researcher wondered how the partner experiences this withdrawal of object-libido.

17 Object Loss as Potentially Traumatic Although the partners in this study have not experienced object loss in the form of separation or divorce as a result of their trans partner’s gender transition, that does not mean that they have not experienced object loss in other ways as a result of radical change. Having one’s partner alter the body that one has come to know so well must be a tremendous loss, even if both individuals discuss and plan for surgery, or hormone injections, or both. Assuming this is true, there is evidence in the works of both Spitz and Wolf (1946) and Bowlby (1961) that identify a range of compelling outcomes resulting from object loss. However, it is important to acknowledge that Spitz and Wolf, and Bowlby, studied the effects of object loss on infants who were separated from their mothers, not on adults who experienced the loss of their love object. Nevertheless, Bowlby surmised that the internal processes that infants endured as a result of their object loss were comparable to that which adults may experience as well. Spitz and Wolf identified the impact on adults who experience the loss of their love object as potentially resulting in the regression to an earlier fixation period. Some infants in Spitz and Wolf’s study could not endure the impact of object loss and died as a result. Based on the syndrome that the surviving infants exhibited, Spitz and Wolf developed the concept of anaclitic depression, consisting of the following symptoms: lack of contact, crying, trepidation, insomnia, sadness, arrested development, decreased appetite, withdrawal from any stimuli, refusal to eat, weight loss, and so on. Adults who experience these kinds of symptoms would also be considered depressed (Spitz & Wolf, 1946).

18 Clearly there are many possible responses to object loss with varying degrees of severity depending on each individual’s life experience. It seems likely that the partners of trans experience some form of loss based their transsexual partners’ gender transition, especially given the radical adjustment needed. For instance, simply researching the most common surgeries available for trans might very well stir up the non-transitioning partner’s anticipated loss. One can only imagine the intrapsychic experience of partners while exploring some of the most common surgeries available to date, such as: 1. a double mastectomy, or what is commonly referred to as top surgery; 2. a hysterectomy; 3. a forearm flap phalloplasty, genital reconstruction resulting in an erectile prostheses (Krueger, Haschemi Yekami, Hundt, & Daverio, 2007); 4. a bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy, the removal of fallopian tubes and ovaries (Barrett, 1998); 5. a neovaginoplasty (Wilson, 2002); and 6. a colpectomy, both vagina reconstruction surgeries (Schaff, 2007).

Whether the loss is experienced as traumatic may depend on whether partners acknowledge or disavow the change and its impact. Traumatic potential is greater when disavowal is used. Was the disavowal of the gender transition activated in partners of trans who participated in the studies of Huxley et al. (1981b) and Steiner and Bernstein (1981)? Those studies implied that the only way to preserve the trans relationship was for the partners to collude in a fantasy, which denied the reality that the trans was born a biological female or male. Furthermore, the sexual orientation of participants in Steiner

19 and Bernstein’s (1981) study also changed following their partners’ transition. Is this not a disavowal of sorts as well, or a complete rejection of one’s sexual orientation when, for example, a female partner identifies as lesbian prior to her FTM partner’s transition, only to identify as a heterosexual following the gender transition? According to Moore and Fine (1990), it is not uncommon for individuals to construct a fantasy that assists in obliterating the reality of a change in order to lessen painful affect once the defense mechanism of disavowal is activated.

The question of how the loss from the partner’s gender transition is experienced is addressed in this study. However, the psychodynamic emphasis is not so much on the loss itself, but on how individuals respond to the loss, intrapsychically. What kind of meaning they attach to this? LaPlanche and Pontalis (1967) noted that Breuer and Freud defined trauma as a “psychical conflict preventing the subject from integrating the experience into his conscious personality” (p. 467). In other words, if the partner is in intense conflict about her or his partner’s gender transition and disavows the reality, then the change may be experienced as traumatic. Dr. Robert Gronner points out that just the experience of “the end of a mode of life as it has been known” (Krystal et al., 1968, p.

197) is potentially traumatic. Thus, whether partners ultimately experience the change as traumatic depends on whether they acknowledge the change and its impact.

Mourning Losing one’s partner in the way that she or he has always been known clearly has an effect on the non-transitioning partner, and a natural response to experiencing loss is to undergo a mourning process. However, mourning takes time and involves several

20 psychological stages that individuals must undergo before they can completely integrate the loss into their life. Freud’s (1917/1953c) “Mourning and Melancholia” examined the differences and similarities between true mourning and melancholia. The mental features for both conditions are almost the same, although with melancholia, a disturbance of selfregard is experienced. For melancholia to occur, Freud argued, there would have to be three preconditions: loss of the object, ambivalence, and regression of libido into the ego (secondary narcissism). In mourning, one feels as though the world is dull and meaningless, whereas with melancholia it is the ego—oneself, rather than the world— that feels dull and meaningless. Therefore, melancholia not only has similar features of mourning but is considered a narcissistic disorder.

If partners acknowledge the loss and allow themselves to go through the mourning process, they will recognize that the time needed to mourn is essential.

Although the loss of a limb or an amputation is clearly not the same as transitioning from one gender to the other, it is, however, similar in that the body is altered and therefore results in the loss of a body part, a part object. Dr. Emanuel Tanay (Krystal et al., 1968, p. 196) described his work with amputees; they appeared to adjust well to their amputation only to show signs of difficulty 6 to 12 months later. The explanation for their difficulty is attributed to the failure of mourning their loss. Instead, these amputees were expected to be back at work as quickly as possible and to carry on as though the loss of their limb was something from which one could easily recover (Krystal et al.).

As long as the mourning process is blocked, it is impossible to integrate the experience into the psyche. To simply remove the emotional ties or attachment to the lost

21 object and attempt to speed up the process is not feasible; unresolved trauma affects every aspect of one’s life. Pollock (1996) sums it up best by saying that, “The mourning process is a means of reestablishing equilibrium intra-psychically, interpersonally, socially, and culturally” (p. 335).

Identity Even though partners remain coupled with their trans partner through the gender transformation and may be able to weather the interpersonal adaptations, they are also faced with an intrapsychic conflict in terms of their own sense of identity. What must partners feel about losing their previous self-definition? For example, if the partner was in a homosexual relationship before the transition, is the partner now part of a heterosexual couple after the transition? What if the couple is married? Is their marriage automatically annulled? If the partner of a homosexual couple transitions, does this mean the couple is able to legally marry after the transition? The answers to these questions vary widely depending on the country and state in which one resides. South Korea, Singapore, Japan, and some European countries have passed laws that officially recognize the gender transition of trans. For example, Harisu is a South Korean MTF trans whose gender transition was legally sanctioned in 2002 with the ultimate endorsement of marriage to her male companion in May 2007 (Lau, 2008). To the contrary, the only states in America that have ruled in favor of a trans’s right to marry are Florida and Louisiana (Minter, 2003). Yet, by 2004, the decision to support the rights of trans to marry in Florida was overturned. As of January 12, 2010, the decision still stands

22 in Louisiana, even though this is “only at [the] trial court level;” in addition to New Jersey, California, Connecticut, and “the other four states that permit couples to marry without respect to gender [which are] Iowa, D.C. Vermont, and New Hampshire” (S. Minter, personal communication, 2010).

Considering the ways in which a partner’s identity may be affected by their trans partner’s gender transition requires a closer look at the origin of identity formation.

However, it is essential to define the term identity before going further, given it has numerous connotations. The Critical Dictionary of Psychoanalysis describes identity as follows: “the sense of one’s continuous being as an entity distinguishable from all others” (Rycroft, 1995, p. 76).

Identity encompasses both the intrapsychic and the interpersonal. In fact, Erikson (1964), who clarified the nature of the psychosocial stages of development, emphasized the role that others play in assisting with the achievement in the capacity to integrate and organize one’s self so that the internal representations of both self and objects become solidified at this stage. Erikson’s fifth stage, identity versus role confusion, best describes the developmental milestones that individuals need to master before moving to the next stage. Typically, this stage is fraught with a great deal of turmoil, particularly with its occurrence during adolescence, already a tumultuous time. During this stage, ego identity is attained by experiencing a sense of confidence, stability, and connection with others (Friedman & Downey, 2002).

Unfortunately, it is impossible to locate a universal definition that best captures the idea of identity. Consequently, for purposes of this study, the researcher’s definition

23 will be used. Identity is unique to each individual and encompasses one’s sense of self, both intrapsychically and interpersonally. Identity is reflected in one’s selfrepresentation. How one experiences one’s self—psychologically, biologically, and socially on both conscious and unconscious levels—is all part of one’s identity. One’s sense of identity is a subjective experience that consists of a private and public self, one’s gender and sense of femininity and masculinity, body image, roles, behaviors, object choice, beliefs, moods, demeanor, values, personality, fantasies, feelings, and identifications. Identity is also affected by interactions and experiences with others.

In contemplating the definition of identity, the thought of a eulogy surfaced.

Unfortunately, it is often only after one’s death that the identity of that individual is put into words, at least in the way that others knew her or him. Identity is who one feels one is and how one is known by others; it is very much a part of what those closest to one attach themselves to.

Object Choice Given that object choice and sexual orientation plays a significant role in the formation of identity, one can only imagine that partners undergo a transition of their own as they consider the meaning of their trans partner’s gender transition in relation to themselves and their object choice. Questions about how fixed or fluid an individual’s object choice is, come into play here. Schafer (1983) speaks to the difficulty in finding answers to these questions when taking into account whether individuals are operating from an egosyntonic or egodystonic mode. There is much unconscious activity not

24 accessible to the psyche; therefore, conscious aspects of one’s identity that seem syntonic, could, unconsciously, be surprisingly dystonic (Schafer, 1983).

In “Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality,” Freud (1905/1953a) proposed two fundamental types of object choice. The first, a narcissistic type, is based on the relationship each individual has with him- or herself. In this case, a love object, similar to oneself is sought after (Freud, 1905/1953a). The second object choice is the ‘anaclitic’ or ‘attachment’ type, based in the first place, on the individual’s relationship with her or his mother as being the provider of nourishment and supplier of needs. The object choice sought is based on someone who is not modeled after the self. These early experiences create the foundation that prepares one for choosing an object of affection or love object in adulthood.

According to Friedman and Downey (2002), erotic fantasies are central in determining an individual’s capacity for plasticity or rigidity in object choice. Although the literature on women’s erotic fantasies is meager, it is plentiful in regard to men.

Evidence suggests that because most men construct an erotic fantasy in childhood that remains intact throughout their life, they are unable to easily change their object choice.

However, there are studies, albeit few, that indicate there are men who are able to shift their object choice simply because they are flexible enough to create new fantasies to enrich the present ones.

Findings from Friedman and Downey (2002) indicate that those who report bisexual erotic fantasies identify as homosexual or heterosexual, not bisexual, as one might surmise. Additionally, there are studies that demonstrate a change in erotic fantasy

25 as being linked to a change in sexual activity. Although these reports refer specifically to homosexual men who initially were exclusively with same-sex partners, having only erotic homosexual fantasies, these men gradually incorporated heterosexual erotic fantasies and became sexually active with the opposite sex. Friedman and Downey (2002) admitted that the homosexual erotic fantasies of these men did not dissipate, but they inferred that a change in erotic fantasies could potentially lead to a change in object choice.

In considering the probability that partners of trans experience a reworking of their own identity, particularly their object choice, it is not surprising that some degree of trauma is liable to occur. Krystal and Niederland (1968) point out that when individuals go through some “alterations of identity and self-identity (persistent feelings of being ‘different’ from others and/or from one’s previous self), feelings of ‘otherness,’ being a completely different person or being of a different species, character, etc.,” there occurs a traumatic experience requiring a period of recovery (p. 330).

Sociocultural The ability to adjust to a partner’s gender transition depends on multiple factors, particularly if we imagine that the loss experienced infiltrates every aspect of life. Issues surrounding the couple’s sense of community are called into question. What happens to their community of friends? How does family respond to them? Do relationships with family and friends also go through some kind of transition? Do partners seek out a completely different sociocultural community for support? Do partners want to relocate if this time is tumultuous?

26 There is a likely probability that individuals involved in a gender transition have established a peer, social, cultural, and even a subcultural identity; however, it also seems very likely that the transition may upset the well-established regimen to which the partner is accustomed. Whether partners bounce back from the upheaval depends, to some extent, on the relationship between issues of identity and the extent to which important other people are supportive, which is best described by Erikson (1980) in the following passage: The term “identity” points to an individual’s link with the unique values, fostered by a unique history, of his people. Yet, it also relates to the cornerstone of this individual’s unique development. . . . It is this identity of something in the individual’s core with an essential aspect of a group’s inner coherence which is under consideration here: for the . . . individual must learn to be most himself where he means most to others—those others, to be sure, who have come to mean most to him. The term “identity” expresses such a mutual relation in that it connotes both a persistent sameness within oneself (selfsameness) and a persistent sharing of some kind of essential character with others. (p. 109) Conclusion Freud’s ideas related to object relations as well as psychodynamic considerations of object loss, trauma, mourning, identity, object-choice, and sociocultural aspects of this study, provided a framework upon which this researcher has based her interpretations of the data. These concepts supply a comprehensive starting point for further inquiry into the partner’s internal and external world. The power of the human psyche to adapt to what seem like insurmountable circumstances is remarkable, and speaks to the resiliency of partners of trans in being able to work through an experience as great as their partner’s gender transition.

27

CHAPTER III

METHODOLOGY

A qualitative inquiry is one in which the researcher examines the lives of individuals and their perceptions and experiences of an event, social change, or cultural phenomena (Locke, Spirduso, & Silverman, 1987; Strauss & Corbin, 1998). The appeal of qualitative research is that it is both interactive and humanistic, a process whereby theory unfolds and evolves from a methodical process. This study took place in the participants’ world, providing the researcher with a much more authentic representation of their environment (Creswell, 2003; Locke et al.).

The methodology used for this research was based on Tolleson’s (1996) psychoanalytic case-study design. More specifically, this is a case-study design whereby the researcher met with participants individually for five interviews with the intent of collecting in-depth, thoughtful, reflective subjective experiences of each participant. Each narrative was analyzed and interpreted from a psychoanalytic perspective.

According to Runyon (1984), case study research is considered the most effective way of achieving an in-depth understanding of individual’s psychic experience. Runyon supports this view with evidence dating back to Freud’s case studies and notes that Kanzer and Glenn called them “rare works of art and a record of the human mind in one of its most unparalleled works of scientific discovery” (p. 121). The collection of data

28 from multiple interviews from a small sample of individuals, in addition to observations, documents, and any other data presented by participants, allowed the researcher to obtain rich detailed descriptions of each case (Rubin & Babbie, 2001; Runyon, 1984), identify specific themes within that case (within-case analysis), and conduct a thematic analysis across cases (cross-case analysis), followed by the development of assertions and interpretations of the subjective meanings gleaned (Creswell, 1998) by the researcher.

Participant Recruitment Recruitment of participants came from a large Midwestern city. The researcher gave a monetary incentive of $20 for each participant upon completing each interview.

The criteria for participation in this study were as follows: Participants, 1. must be at least 18 years old; 2. must have been with their partner before they underwent the gender transition period; 3. must currently be partnered to this same partner and not identify as a transsexual her- or himself; 4. must have experienced the beginning of the gender transition period of their partner within the past 10 years (gender transition is defined as hormone injections or surgery); 5. must have identified as homosexual or heterosexual; and 6. must be available for five separate interviews (one hour each).

29 To clarify, the researcher defines the gender transition period as being the time at which the transgender individuals actively began to incorporate medical interventions, such as hormone injections or surgical procedures, that launched a physical alteration of their bodies. The researcher anticipated a snowball effect of referrals based on word of mouth, in conjunction with contacting transgender organizations.

Contact with Midwestern organizations was made to discuss the intent of this study. It was fundamental to the success of this study that the researcher explained she had no intent of viewing this population from a pathological perspective, that she valued the importance of giving the participants a voice by listening to their stories and understanding their experiences. Permission from organizational leaders to drop off flyers (Appendix A) requesting volunteers to be interviewed was another strategy for recruiting participants. College campuses that have GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, & Transgender) organizations within them were another source of potential participants.

Participants were screened for eligibility by telephone or through email correspondence (Appendix B). During the telephone conversation or email correspondence, the researcher presented details about the study and scheduled the first face-to-face interview with potential participants.

Description of Participants There were six female participants in this study; they ranged in age from 38 to 63 years. All six women were Caucasian. More specific identifying information about each participant will be provided at the beginning of their individual case studies.

30 Data Collection The researcher conducted five 1-hour interviews with four participants, and then because of scheduling constraints, the researcher conducted three 1-hour interviews with two participants and extended the final interview to 2 hours each, allowing them to complete the full 5 hours. There were also two other participants who met with the researcher for the first hour of interviewing and then later decided not to continue to participate in this study. The data from these two participants were immediately removed from this study. Data collection was completed within a 6-month time period, and the timeframe it took to complete each series of interviews with each participant ranged from 1 week to 2 months.

Interview Process At the first in-person interview, each participant signed a consent form (Appendix C) authorizing the audiotape recording of the interviews. The researcher had each participant complete a demographic interview (Appendix D) at the beginning of the interview series. Following the completion of this information, the researcher asked the open-ended question, “What was your experience like during your partner’s gender transition period as you reflect back on it?�

Participants were informed that if for any reason before, during, or after the interview, they changed their mind and did not want to participate in this study, their request would be honored by the researcher and their data would be removed from the

31 study. There were two participants with whom the researcher met with on only one occasion when they decided they did not want to continue their participation. A number was assigned to each participant’s data to maintain confidentiality, and the researcher is the only one to know the person’s identity.

The frequency of contact was aimed at creating an ongoing sense of familiarity in the researcher with the idea that one interview would build on the other. In other words, the objective was to allow participants the opportunity to express thoughts, feelings, memories, and behaviors that may be evoked from preceding interviews. By conducting successive interviews, the researcher had time to contemplate and elicit examples from participants for the purpose of clarifying their intent in a comment or meaning they attached to an experience previously referenced.

The location of each interview varied, depending on each participant’s preference.

Participants decided where they would be most comfortable, whether in the privacy of their own home or the researcher’s office. All but two participants were interviewed for one hour in length in the researcher’s office and were audiotape recorded. Because of scheduling issues, the researcher interviewed two of the participants in their homes; three times in one participant’s home and one time in another’s, and conducted two 2-hour interviews.

Following each audiotaped interview, the researcher audiotape recorded her reactions based on observations, impressions, thoughts, or questions about the interview experience. The intent was to reflect not only on the material presented by participants but on the experience of the researcher as well. Allowing time to consider any possible

32 transference or counter-transference responses was critical in fostering awareness of the impact of research bias.

Data Analysis Once the audio-taped interviews were transcribed (as soon as possible following each interview) the researcher conducted a within-case analysis by examining the transcriptions and providing a detailed description of each case. The purpose of a withincase analysis was to assemble the participant’s own distinct and unique individual narrative so that each narrative was examined exclusively for themes or patterns. For example, themes were discovered through the participant’s repetitive use of words, issues, topics, or behaviors. Based on these themes and patterns, the researcher made psychoanalytic interpretations of the material in an attempt to understand and identify both conscious and unconscious fantasies and meaning attached to each individual’s intrapsychic and interpersonal experience.

Following the within-case analysis, the researcher conducted a cross-case analysis by looking at the collective themes across the six interviews in their entirety. Only then did the researcher combine and study the data to determine themes across cases. The next step was to develop assertions and make interpretations based on the themes that evolved (Creswell, 1998). Once the researcher completed the descriptions and interpretations, she randomly selected various segments of transcripts to be examined for plausibility by psychoanalytic clinicians. Checking for plausibility in an effort to confirm that the

33 theoretical interpretations drawn from themes and assertions were conceivable, is an essential component to quality case study research (Runyon, 1984).

Statement on Protecting the Rights of Human Subjects Protecting the rights of the participants in this study was at the forefront of the researcher’s focus. Prior to participation, signed consent forms were obtained from the participants. The researcher assured that participants fully understood the consent forms and procedures for the study by reading through the consent form and answering any questions about the study that participants asked. The only identifying information was on the signed consent forms, and this information was secured in a file cabinet accessible only by the researcher. Completed demographic interviews, transcriptions, and the researcher’s notes will maintain the confidentiality of the participants. These documents have only identification numbers on them to protect the privacy of participants.

34

CHAPTER IV

RESULTS

Demographic Profile All six subjects fulfilled the researcher’s criteria for participation in this study.

They ranged in age from their late thirties to early sixties, coupled with their significant other before the gender transition, and remained coupled during their participation in this study. They each experienced the beginning of their significant other’s transition within the past five years and did not identify as being a transgender person themselves. All subjects were of Caucasian ethnicity, coupled with their transitioning spouse from a range of 3 to 42 years, and identified a range of 2 years, from 2005 to 2007, since the onset of the gender transition. The subjects also chose their own term to describe their sexual identification (See Table 1 for demographic data).

With-in Case Analyses As the researcher listened to each participant’s evocative narrative about their experience of their significant other’s gender transition, she identified the emergence of recurring themes and patterns germane to the purpose of this study. Each thematic pattern has been encoded with categories that the researcher believes represents the meaning of

35 Table 1 Subject Identifying Data from Demographic Interviews Subject

Sexual

Spouse’s Gender

Coupled

Transition

Number Age Identification

Identification

Since

Began

1

50

Bisexual

Female to male

1978

2007

2

38

Lesbian

Female to male

2005

2007

3

44

Queer

Female to male

2003

2005

4

42

Dyke lesbian

Female to male

1995

2005

5

52

Heteroflexible

Male to female

1978

2005

6

63

Heterosexual

Male to female

1966

2007

Note. Data obtained from responses to Demographic Interviews (Appendix D).

each participant’s experience. Within each “category of meaning,” the researcher’s aim was to substantiate her formulated headings with raw data from the interviews, in addition to her experience of the participant, which she has referred to as countertransference.

Countertransference is a psychoanalytic term that is used to describe a therapist’s reaction to her patient or her patient’s transference. However, in this case, the dyad was researcher and participant rather than therapist and patient. Racker (1982/1968) best describes “countertransference as a tool . . . for understanding the mental processes of the patient (including especially [her] transference reactions)—their content, their

36 mechanisms, and their intensities.” Given that the subject of gender, sexuality, and identity evoke strong feelings in all of us, it is not surprising that the researcher’s countertransference was often intensely experienced in her interactions with each participant.

In audiotape-recording her observations, impressions, thoughts, feelings, and questions following each interview, the researcher was able to sift through and reflect on the narrative presented by each participant as well as examine her transference and counter-transference responses. This process proved invaluable, given that a particular phenomenon occurred for the researcher after each interview and continued during the entire series of interviews. It became extremely difficult to think and self-reflect immediately following each interview, as though that capacity had vanished, temporarily overridden by a kind of mental paralysis. The researcher’s countertransference proved to be vital in exploring the myriad possibilities to consider in both the conscious and unconscious manifestations of each participant as well as her own.

It was the intent of the researcher to present each case from the subjective point of view of each participant. Though understanding the importance of using the correct gender pronouns when referring to each participant’s significant other, the researcher found this to be somewhat confusing at times. She attempted to balance her desire to follow the participant’s lead, to respectfully acknowledge the wishes of the participant, while at the same time conveying a clear representation to the reader. Because of the magnitude of this issue within transgender communities, the researcher decided to refer to the transitioning spouse by using a different gender pronoun before the transition than

37 the one used after the transition. Following the with-in case analyses, there is a compilation of the meaning categories for all six subjects.

Subject 1: The Case of Morgan Identifying Information Morgan is a 50-year old Caucasian woman, tall, slightly overweight with a large frame. She has short blonde hair, which she parts on the side. Morgan presented as more feminine and professional at her place of employment (where the first interview was conducted); she wore business attire, earrings, and lipstick. She presented as more casually dressed in her home, wearing a t-shirt, slacks, and tennis shoes with no accessories. Morgan is the “partner” of her female to male (FTM) transgender “partner,”7 Lance, whom she plans to legally marry when they can carve out some time to plan the ceremony. She said that although she has no children, she has many pets: nine cats, one dog, a donkey, and a pony.

In 2006, Morgan recalls that Kally, the woman (pre-transition) with whom she has been coupled for the past 30 years, started psychotherapy to begin reconciling childhood issues. Although she was supportive of and understood Kally’s desire to pursue psychotherapy, Morgan did not, however, know what to make of the sudden shift in emphasis from family of origin to gender issues. She explained that the impetus behind Kally’s pursuit of psychotherapy was the death of their horse in 2005. The pain of this 7

The term partner is used here because this is the one that Morgan uses to describe herself and her relationship. The gendered language used to describe transgender relationships will be further explored in the discussion section.

38 loss tapped into many childhood issues for Kally, and, after a year long struggle, she sought help to work through and resolve these issues. Nonetheless, it was not long before Morgan began to notice Kally talking more about gender issues. She wondered if this was simply Kally’s curiosity and interest in the expression of gender identity of others or was more central to how she viewed herself. Morgan goes on to explain that she felt like she knew Kally was transgender before Kally knew. As she reflects back, Morgan says, I was, I guess, hearing what he was saying about gender issues or comments in passing that he wasn’t hearing himself. I’d kind of realized that [pause] that he might really see himself as a man before he realized it.

It was soon thereafter that Kally came out as transgender, and by the end of 2007 she had taken several steps to transition from female to male (FTM). She started hormone treatment, underwent top surgery, legally changed her name to Lance, and had her gender marker changed to read male instead of female on her birth certificate. The transition from one gender to another was not the only change that took place that year. According to Morgan, the dynamics in their relationship improved tremendously.

Morgan’s Experience of Lance’s Gender Transition Morgan readily recalls her primary response to Kally (pre-transition) when told she was transgender and wanted to undergo a gender transition. She had been looking forward to Kally’s finishing medical school with the hope that their lives would become less complicated and more settled. With a series of losses they endured over the past several years, Morgan felt like she could not tolerate one more thing. All within a 4-year period, Morgan has suffered the death of her younger brother, her step-father, and their

39 horse, as well as the collapse of their barn roof coupled with Kally’s breaking her arm.

Morgan was clearly looking forward to a break. Because Kally was in medical school and they were both working full-time, much of the responsibility of maintaining the household and picking up the slack for anything extra that needed attending to fell on Morgan’s shoulders. Hence, when Kally talked to her about transitioning from FTM, Morgan replied, I just don’t want any drama. If this is going to be who you are then we’re going to do this, but I don’t [pause] . . . but if it’s about the drama and it’s about being the center of attention, then I don’t want to have anything to do with it.

Morgan simply did not have the energy. She expounded on this idea by saying that “it didn’t matter what the drama was, I just didn’t want any of it. That’s enough!” However, numerous conversations about transitioning continued for the next several months between the two of them, and by early 2007 Kally had changed her name to Lance. By this time, it was clear to Morgan that Lance’s determination to transition was unwavering. Although she was supportive of Lance, Morgan could not help experiencing some trepidation about the outcome of his decision. She admits wondering how Lance’s transition might impact them socially and acknowledges this by saying, “My feeling was that we’ve made a pretty good life and now we’re going to be freaks.” However, they both agreed on the decision for Lance to undergo a gender transition, although Morgan did not play an active role in his process. In other words, when asked if she went through a period of researching or gathering information on the process of transitioning for transgender people, she explained, I am a little surprised at myself that I didn’t, because I am one of those people, you know, where, you know every [pause] every new symptom, whether it’s mine or the cat’s or anyone else, I’m online looking it up. I don’t know, I guess

40 everybody’s kind of getting that way. That is the first place you look to see, “is this going to kill me, or not?”

Nonetheless, because of the effect of the stressful experiences she had been through in the past several years, the most Morgan could do at the time was to read some of the transgender literature that Lance had been researching and collecting. She mentioned also reading some online “gossipy blogs,” and paying close attention to how the media portrayed transgender people.

Morgan also admits that, had they not had health insurance coverage to pay for much of the cost for Lance’s transition, she may have found it more difficult to be so supportive, particularly given that the management of money between them has been a point of contention throughout their 30 years together. Although their insurance has paid for Lance’s transition thus far, Morgan reveals recent changes in their insurance that consist of loss of coverage for the cost of transitioning from one gender to the other, which she suspects is in response to the expense of Lance’s transition.

Anticlimactic I think that the one word I would pick [to describe my experience] would be anticlimactic, because it, um [pause], maybe it has to do with where it came in our lives, where we had—it just seemed like [all] the years that we have lived here or, you know, the period of time after we moved here, and maybe the first 5 or 6 years, just all kinds of big drama.

Although Morgan describes her experience of Lance’s gender transition as “anticlimactic,” she admits to some internal turmoil. She was not only expecting some rejection from family and friends, but also reveals being “appalled and horrified at the thought of [Lance’s] physical arrangement” or what she later referred to as his “new plumbing.” She explains that her worry about being rejected comes from their history of

41 “living as a gay couple, you worry about a certain level of rejection anyway. There are people out there who think you should just go to hell and the sooner the better.”

However, much to her surprise, Morgan has not experienced the rejection she had anticipated from Lance’s transition. To the contrary, she explains that “every time we talk to somebody else about [Lance’s transition] and they have a positive reaction it makes it that much easier the next time.”

Another area that Morgan experienced great anxiety over was the idea of Lance having sexual reassignment surgeries (SRS). She admits that “it was really the scariest part . That sense of, well, what if it doesn’t work?” Morgan reveals some of her concerns about bottom (genital) surgery in the following, I think that [pause], that a lot of my discomfort has to do with taking the sexual organs, you know, kind of perfectly normal functioning set of sexual organs and turning them into a fake set of sexual organs that don’t look right and don’t work right and all that. And so, I think that’s what I was uncomfortable with to start with and I think it’s clear that I’m still uncomfortable with the idea and that I want some assurance that the end result is going to be something that does look relatively normal and function relatively normal. But I think it’s been helpful for me that I think [Lance] has been realistic about what can be done at any given time and is not rushing to have an unsatisfactory solution now, when there’s probably something better that might be available in 5 years from now or 10 years from now.

The reassurance Morgan has received from Lance has been a tremendous help to her. She has taken great comfort in knowing that there is no sense of urgency for Lance to undergo numerous surgeries, and although she admits to ongoing worry, Morgan tries to focus more on her actual experience rather than on her anxiety about what could happen.

42 T for Two Morgan and Lance were undergoing hormonal changes simultaneously; however, their individual changes were drastically different. Morgan was becoming increasingly frustrated with her numerous menopausal symptoms, while Lance was becoming more encouraged and comfortable with his physical and emotional changes. Observing the improvements in Lance as a result of his T treatment was so enticing to Morgan that she, too, pursued hormonal treatment with the same urologist. After all, the changes in Kally’s (pre-transition) personality and physique were incredibly appealing to her. Morgan was then prescribed a regimen of T and progesterone. Subsequent to hormone treatments for both Morgan and Lance have been the cause of major improvements in their relationship (these relationship changes will be discussed in detail in another section). Morgan’s relief from menopausal symptoms and Lance’s shift in temperament has been a welcome gift.

Although having surgery is commonly considered to be what is thought of as “the transition,” Morgan disagrees with this idea by saying, “I think that it’s the hormones . . . hormone treatments are what are genuinely transformational in terms of the . . . [pause] physically and emotionally.”

The chemical impact of T on Lance’s personality has been astonishing to Morgan.

She describes Kally’s personality as always being “very dynamic,” explaining that Kally is “really smart, really high energy, but also really contentious.” However, when the T injections began, Morgan was pleasantly surprised that Lance’s “argumentative side . . . just faded away.” Furthermore, she explains, “While I think that part of that was the

43 psychological effect of, you know, behaving as the right person . . . it really seemed to be chemical, too.”

Another major improvement that Morgan was excited about for Lance was the bodily changes. She explains, “The other thing is that he pretty quickly started to lose a tremendous amount of weight. He was very, very overweight before.” Morgan admits that I’ve also struggled with weight, particularly starting in my mid-30s, and I always was extremely diligent about diet and exercise and he never was, and so around the same time that he started to go through his transition, I went from being perimenopausal to really being menopausal and really having physical problems related to that. I think a lot of the fact that I struggled so much with my weight starting in my mid-30s had to do with the hormonal changes that I was going through.

As a result of the weight loss, Morgan’s interest in Lance was peaking as he became more attractive to her. She also wanted to lose weight and rid herself of as many menopausal symptoms as possible. As she began to take progesterone and T, in conjunction with estrogen, Morgan was increasingly satisfied with the results. In fact, at one point she began to think that if a little is good, then more will be better. However, not too long after increasing the amount of T she was ingesting, Morgan discovered that she was growing hair on her chest and getting headaches, and so she immediately “dialed it back again” to the prescribed amount.

What stands out most for Morgan in reflecting back on her experience of Lance’s transition is his rapid weight loss and skyrocketing libido, in addition to the incongruent feeling she had in seeing him with having both, a woman’s breasts and a man’s hairy chest. She explains that the in-between stages of Lance’s physical transition was difficult for her, in that, “he didn’t look that good at that point.”

44 In thinking about what Lance’s increased libido has been like for her, Morgan reveals that it has taken awhile to work things out as a couple. She goes on to explain that prior to the gender transition and because of medical school and her, libido [being] pretty much gone; we didn’t have sex at all just ’cause neither one of us had the energy, but with the T that he’s taking, he’s really basically horny all the time. And, my libido is, since I’m taking T, my libido is better but it’s not where his is but we do have sex a lot more often than we used to and on a much more regular basis.

Since being on T, Morgan describes Lance as being, really obsessed with his equipment. I think in a fairly typical teenage boy way and what he has now, he wants me to admire, and I don’t care. I’m not that fascinated with anybody’s equipment and so that’s kind of an issue.

Another point of contention between Morgan and Lance related to his increased libido was, at one point, [Lance] was talking about “Well, maybe he should go out and have sex with some men now that he has this exciting new equipment, he should try it out,” and I said, “NO!” Morgan explains that “infidelity is just something that I feel very strongly about,” and although she may understand how Lance’s increased libido is at the forefront for him, she will not tolerate his acting out his sexual fantasies with others.

It is important for Morgan to mention how much more confident Lance is of his body since his transition and how she has observed the changes he has undergone in terms of his body image. For example, Lance makes a conscious effort to get exercise and take care of his body, unlike before.

45 Top Surgery In November 2007, when Lance’s top surgery was successfully completed, Morgan was relieved. She admits that she “didn’t have any problem with the concept but [she] really didn’t want to hear anything about the surgery itself.” Morgan explains that she could not bear to go through anything similar to what she experienced with her brother prior to his death. She explains by saying that, One of the things that happened with my brother was that he had [pause] the kind of cancer he had has to be close to the worst way to die. The throat and esophageal cancers. He had his tongue removed and in addition to pieces of his esophagus, and they did attempt to do skin grafts where they were taking pieces of skin off of his arm and kind of trying to reconstruct a tongue and just none of it worked.

Morgan’s experience with her brother was at the forefront of her concern for Lance as he underwent top surgery. She was very aware of how delicate this type of surgery can be and thought, “What if it doesn’t work?” She further explained that part of the procedure requires the doctor to re-attach the nipple grafts to the chest skin, indicating that there is always the possibility that they may not adhere, which was “the scariest part of his surgery” for her.

Although Morgan was really scared about Lance’s top surgery, she kept it to herself. When asked why, she explains that, There wasn’t anything that could be done about it one way or another. I mean, either the grafts were going to take or they wouldn’t. That’s it, especially with something like nipples, you really only get one chance.

Fortunately, Lance’s top surgery and his recovery process “was very smooth” without any complications. In fact, in reflecting back on this as she recounts her experience,

46 Morgan recalls feeling great relief about the appearance of Lance’s new physique, indicating that “it all looked more right.” She explains that, the combination of having female breasts and then this kind of hairy chest and back, was just very incongruous and unattractive, and so having the top surgery then where it was a man’s chest that was hairy [was] a relief and it was like, OK, this is much better.

Categories of Meaning

Body Envy It was only a few months after Lance started his T treatment when Morgan became envious of the changes in Lance’s body. The combination of Lance’s rapid weight loss coupled with the re-distribution of body fat and increased muscle was disconcerting for her. Morgan explains that Lance “was very overweight before” he started transitioning and in fact, throughout, his whole adult life, he’d been really way overweight, and [pause] and where, and I’ve also struggled with my weight, particularly starting in my mid-30s, and that, [yet] I always was extremely diligent about diet and exercise and those kind of things, and he never was. It doesn’t matter how much diet and exercise you do, you just don’t lose weight. You know, you become a healthy, you may be a healthy overweight person, but the pounds just stay, which is just incredibly frustrating situation. Well, in the meantime, [Lance] was seeing this urologist . . . he started to lose all of this weight pretty quickly and it was like, well, [laughs] Wait a minute!

Although Morgan had been going through hormonal changes of her own, she could not share in any of the benefits that Lance was experiencing. On the contrary, she was suffering from numerous menopausal symptoms. Morgan explains, “I wasn’t losing

47 weight, energy levels were kind of flagging off, hot flashes were at 3 or 4 hours intervals.” Morgan was on estrogen therapy, however, and, although her hot flashes had diminished, there was little relief in regard to other symptoms. In fact, she now had to contend with two new symptoms: “breast tenderness and [putting] on weight, which was very distressing” for her. It was at this point when she decided to meet with Lance’s urologist. Morgan not only wanted to see if she could reduce her menopausal symptoms, but she really wanted some of what Lance was experiencing, weight loss and better feelings about his body.

In appreciation of the multiplicity of influences, the researcher wondered about any potential correlations between Morgan’s beginning a new regime of hormone treatment shortly after Lance began his own treatments, and her discomfort from her menopausal symptoms, in stating a variety of reasons for pursuing Lance’s urologist: “I wasn’t getting any sleep. And you know, you go into sleep deprivation for a little while and you’re pretty nuts and exhausted [plus] my breasts were very sore.” Is it possible that Morgan’s breast soreness could be linked to both her menopausal symptoms and an unconscious reaction to Lance’s plans to undergo top surgery?

Lance’s transition meant that Morgan was unexpectedly faced with how uncomfortable and frustrated she had been with her own body. Until Lance’s transition, she had been the one in the relationship who weighed less, which may have made attending to losing weight much less urgent for her. However, upon observing the changes with Lance’s body, perhaps Morgan became desperate to do whatever she could do to feel good about her body, too. Is it not conceivable that she may have felt

48 threatened by Lance’s new body because she was no longer considering herself to be the smaller, more attractive, and more desired of the pair?

Following a series of tests that determined Morgan’s hormone levels, Lance’s urologist, now also Morgan’s, prescribed a new regimen of hormone treatments for her.

She stopped taking estrogen and started on progesterone cream for several months.

Before long, Morgan was also taking T. An increase in the amount of T was implemented 3 months later. Morgan describes some of her experience in the following: After I built up my progesterone levels, I started taking testosterone as well and that’s been very helpful and, in fact, I’ve been able to lose some weight, although it’s still, it is really hard for me to lose weight, so, you know, so seeing it fly off of [Lance]. You know, she was—he was way more overweight than I was and so, yes, I’m really glad to see him losing weight and now he’s being much more conscientious about diet and exercise, so it’s—it’s not entirely that his bad living is being rewarded but it’s also, it is frustrating to see that it’s been so easy for him where it’s been so difficult for me.

Morgan seemed to be struggling with her mixed feelings of being envious about the changes in Lance’s body while also being supportive and more attracted to him as a result. In addition, she was wrestling with being satisfied with the relief gained from her own hormone treatment, yet still wanting to feel more like Lance felt about his body. The progesterone simply, “stopped the hot flashes and helped me to sleep” while at the same time the intensity of her envy continued to escalate. At this point, Morgan decided to take matters into her own hands by increasing the amount of T she was taking. She describes her frustration in saying, But there was still this fact that [Lance] was losing all this weight and I wasn’t. [chuckles] And, so, it was like, maybe if we just increase this a little bit, I’ll [pause]. What I had always said was that, you know, I’m willing to watch my calories and exercise and all those kind of things, but I want it to work. I want it to have some effect besides just being a more physically fit overweight person, you know. And so, since January of this year, I have been exercising a lot more and

49 also eating less, and I’m convinced that with the testosterone, that that has helped me to lose some weight. It’s still not as easy as it is for [Lance]. And, it’s really interesting, we both swim now on a regular basis but I swim more than he does. I swim more often and I swim longer distances, but his legs are just so muscular, especially like the lower legs and his arms, and he’s, you know, he’s just starting to get ripped, and I’m not. And, it’s like, you know, okay, this is definitely a male-female thing, where with the same amount of estrogen, I’m still a lot softer than he is [chuckles]. And, so that’s for me, very much one of the goals of taking the testosterone.

Although the body envy Morgan has experienced as a result of Lance’s gender transition was unexpected, it perhaps conveys something about how she views herself and what she perceives as important. Morgan explains that by taking too much T she “discovered that I did start to get hair places I didn’t want to, and I also started to get headaches. And so I dialed it back again.” Although she does want to feel better about her own body by losing weight, exercising, and watching her diet, she is not willing to exchange one set of symptoms for another. It is important to mention that while Morgan openly expresses her frustration with weighing more than Lance, she does not reveal more specifically what her weight and body image actually mean to her.

I Have a Great Guy Perhaps Morgan is more satisfied with her relationship since Lance’s gender transition, because he is evolving into more of the man she has always unconsciously wished for. Several of Morgan’s references in the interviews strongly suggest that she not only wanted to be with a man, but realized that she saw Kally as a man before Kally did.

It was something that I realized afterwards that I had been thinking about it consciously longer than [Lance] had. And so it was something that I think that I

50 was, like I said, on a conscious level at least, that I was aware of about him before he knew it about himself, and I think that he was giving off clues that he wasn’t even aware of. I was, I guess, hearing what he was saying about gender issues or comments in passing that he wasn’t hearing himself that I’d kind of realized that [pause] that he might really see himself as a man before he realized it.

Morgan’s comments above may reflect the possibility that Morgan has always thought of herself as “generally being more physically attracted to men.” Might Morgan have been fantasizing about what Kally might look like as a man? After all, Kally was a masculine-looking female, and to picture her as a man would not be such a stretch of the imagination. Could Kally’s gender transition be Morgan’s unconscious fantasy coming to fruition?

Morgan’s fluidity in her sexual orientation is another aspect that seems to substantiate the wish for her to be coupled with a man rather than with a woman. While discussing her history of dating and views on her own sexual orientation, she admits that, “I’ve always been genuinely ambiguous.” Morgan explains that her dating experience was primarily with men, except for Kally, the one female she dated. “Not having had a lot of particularly successful dating relationships, especially not in high school” was discouraging for Morgan. She explains that, “I was a real nerd in high school, you know, just way brainier than anybody else around,” which Morgan attributes to being the reason for not attracting many men.

She dated men before she dated Kally, but dated them for only a short period of time because Morgan left the country for a semester of college as an exchange student.

Although Kally was dating other women during this time, Morgan reveals that Kally was “very jealous of me dating other men, and I was dating men.” Shortly after Morgan returned to the United States, she and Kally reunited and once Morgan made a

51 commitment to Kally, she explained, “Well, that seemed to clarify things. It was like, ‘Okay, well I’m gay’ or, you know, ‘I’m gay,’ or maybe if things had worked out differently in life, I would be bisexual,” implying that had she had more offers from men, she most likely would have been with a man.

Even though Morgan has been with a woman for 30 years, it seems plausible to consider that Kally was not actually her preferred gender as a mate. In reflecting back on Kally, Morgan admits to not appreciating the most fundamental aspect of her, her body.

For example, Morgan reveals some of her thoughts about Kally’s female body and what she does and does not find appealing by disclosing, I wasn’t really a breast person I was happy when he had the top surgery. It all looked more right [laughs] he’s a more attractive man than he was a woman.

He’s a pretty normally proportioned man instead of being an obese woman and that that’s been [pause] you know, that’s just been a huge positive. As I said that, you know, it’s so obvious to everybody that he looks better. Lance] now looks unambiguously male.

According to Morgan, Lance’s gender change “was not a difficult transition” for her. Her wish has come true. She describes having a great guy, one with whom she is drawn to not simply because he is “a more attractive person now” but because he is “just a nicer person. [His] personality has changed tremendously and uniformly for the better.” Morgan is convinced that “the transition has improved [Lance’s] personality.”

She gives an example of Kally’s temperament before the transition: [Kally] could be both violent and bad tempered. Just a really, really bad temper and we would [pause] you know, we would just get into screaming arguments about things and sometimes there would be things that I thought were pretty innocuous that he would escalate up into big screaming arguments and [pause] since he’s been undergoing treatment, he’s just more even keeled, even when I’m spoiling for a fight, he’s much more willing to kind of back down and you know, talk things out.

52 Another benefit of Lance’s gender transition for Morgan has been that their sex life improved tremendously. The following excerpt provides a glimpse of this more intimate aspect of their lives that she welcomes: We do have sex a lot more often than we used to and on a much more regular basis. And we do things that are different that I’m not really comfortable going into but [chuckles], yeah, that’s part of what’s different. Our sex life is better than it was before.

In discussing some of the changes in their sex life, Morgan mentions that Lance “has always referred to his clitoris as a ‘dick.’” She goes on to explain that when he first started T treatments and his libido increased tremendously, he began to talk about wanting to have sex with men. However, Morgan was adamant about maintaining fidelity and conveyed without hesitation that, if that kind of commitment was not what Lance wanted, they would go their separate ways.

Curiously, Morgan states that, since Lance’s gender transition, he “fundamentally sees himself as a gay man,” which was highly provocative to the researcher. Might Morgan’s interest in T be an unconscious wish to be Lance’s gay male partner? She explained that “he was never comfortable in feminine clothing” as Kally, but once he transitioned to Lance, he “not only loves men’s fashion but he’s actually a lot more interested in women’s fashion than he was before.” In her attempt to clarify Lance’s seeing himself as a gay man, Morgan explains that “if [Lance] were starting all over, this is clearly how he would identify himself.” To the researcher, it seemed as if the more Morgan tried to make sense of the idea that Lance was actually gay, the more confused the researcher became. Numerous questions arose in regard to thinking more deeply

53 about how Lance’s gender transition seemed to loosen up by resulting in a more fluid sexual orientation as well.

According to Morgan, Lance’s “curiosity” about other men and their sexual experiences surfaced not only as a result of his transitioning but had arisen on numerous occasions throughout their relationship. She says that Kally “would be curious but then would immediately get very angry and jealous and so, you know, I just wouldn’t talk about it any more.” Morgan went on to explain further that, with his transition, you know, and now seeing himself as a man, he’s a lot more you know, that interest in my previous sex life has resurrected itself but it is in a much less loaded way. That it really is just curiosity of when I slept with men before. Now he’s interested in learning from that experience and not just getting angry and jealous that I had this previous experience. Um, so I think that’s a that’s a pretty clear area where now we can talk about something that was too loaded to get into before.

In reflecting back on her relationship over the years, it seems as though Morgan’s unconscious wish for a man as a mate has turned into her reality. She says, [Lance’s] always been a man, and this is just a, so this is the fundamental transition is deciding to live as a man, and having done so, well, you know, he’s always been a man. And everything else is just getting externalities in line with what’s been going on all along, yeah, getting the external realities to line up with the internal reality.

Anticipating Rejection Although Morgan lives with the ongoing worry that she and Lance will be “ostracized” because of his gender transition, her actual experience has been just the opposite. She admits that even though she has been welcomed with “friendly and receptive support” from family, employers, colleagues, neighbors, and community members, she finds it difficult to trust and take solace in her actual experiences. Morgan’s

54 anticipation of being shunned because of Lance’s transition, overrides any support she receives. She gives an example of her internal struggle in the following excerpt: Probably the most difficult thing has been the process of having to talk to other people about it. But it’s generally been in my anxiety before talking to them, it’s not that actually talking to them. Anticipating how to talk to them [and not knowing] how they would respond that [pause] and [pause] and it’s not that anybody I’ve talked to about it, you know, would lynch us for it. You know, it’s not anything like that, but [pause] having people who are you know, my fear I think has been of having people who are [pause] who are friendly and relaxed around me suddenly, you know, feel like that we’re freakish in some way and, you know, becoming stiff. Yeah, yeah, concerned about them having a different opinion or a different feeling about me and us. And, um, but the hard part has been in the anticipation.

It is apparent that Morgan’s anxiety-laden fantasy takes precedence over the reality of her actual positive experience with people in her life. She describes her experience with her neighbors by saying, Those are people that I really like but I also know that, you know, they’re very conservative on every level, but there came a point where I talked to them about it [Lance’s transition] and it was just no big deal. I think with most of our neighbors who know us, they just don’t care all that much.

However positively others respond to Morgan, she continues to remain skeptical.

She talks about how she had anticipated a negative response from people with whom both she and Lance are employed. However, she admits the reality that “his employer has been surprisingly supportive” and in fact was “excited” about having a transgender person onboard. Morgan explains that Lance, talked to his supervisor and she just couldn’t have been more supportive, and then when she talked to her boss. Well, this woman, you know, had just been to some company seminar on dealing with GLBT issues, and particularly transgender issues, and, you know, it was the flavor of the month, and, you know, she was the first one on her block to have one, and [laughs] then , you know, she was actually kind of excited about it. And that I think that [pause] I know this sounds very cynical, but that she’s getting all kinds of diversity points for being the first one on her block.

55 When Morgan talked about her anxiety in disclosing such personal information to people she worked with, she admitted imagining the worst-case scenario. Nonetheless, her worries were once again proven unfounded. Morgan explains that One of my concerns was somebody that I now supervise is a very conservative evangelical Christian and, um he’s also just a real sweetheart, just, you know, a nice, nice person, and he had never expressed any kind of discomfort with [Lance’s] and my relationship previously. And, you know, I’ve worked with him for a long time. He’s only recently become my employee but I’ve worked with him for a long time and, you know, and [pause] so I was most concerned that he would really be kind of freaked out about it and he doesn’t seem to be particularly troubled. So, yeah, that was a pleasant surprise.

The fact that Morgan is surprised each time she experiences a positive response from others regarding Lance’s gender transition speaks to her difficulty integrating the reality of her experience. Instead, she lives anxiously with all the worries about what could happen.

Morgan is incredibly self-protective. She did not divulge her lonely upbringing in a privileged family until the final interview with the researcher. During the interviews, Morgan talked slowly and seemed to be carefully monitoring herself constantly. Perhaps she was anxious about being known and therefore criticized because her presentation was distant and anxious. She seemed to be expecting that her current life might be dangerous for her in some way and presented as very aware of having a great deal at stake due to Lance’s transition. Her hypervigilance evinced a fear of losing everything—her standing, her money, her well-being. In her present life, she keeps herself on the sidelines, and her difficulty in integrating her current experience is perhaps, in part, based on the fact that it feels so separate from the life in which she grew up. She finds herself living in a very different world now, and does not know how to bridge the two.

56 Morgan even worried that her community would shun her because of Lance’s transition. The thought of no longer actively participating in civic duties, something she feels so strongly about and finds to be very gratifying was “nerve-racking” for her.

However, her fear was, once again, unfounded. As a matter of fact, the response from one community member in particular was the antithesis of what Morgan expected.

One of the people that I work with [in the community], who has always been really nice to us is with the sheriff’s department, and when [Lance] talked to her about it, one of the things she said was, “Well, do we need to step up patrols around your house?” And I thought that protective reaction was very interesting, that, you know, if there was going to be any trouble, that they were going [chuckles] to be here. I thought that was really cool. Um, and that, you know, knock on wood, hasn’t been necessary, but it’s really nice to know that there are people who are looking out for you.

It is interesting to imagine how Morgan might feel if only she could incorporate a portion of the support that surrounds her; however, to take in the acceptance from others must go against a long-held view of the world. She realizes that she is, “fundamentally, a worrier,” yet she rationalizes this by saying “that in good situations I tend to try to think about what’s going to go wrong [chuckles] and [pauses] and I think it’s adaptive in a lot of circumstances.” She admits that her fear of rejection began long before Lance’s transition but acknowledges that his gender transition has been the central focus of her anxiety in the past few years. Morgan talks openly about her anxiety in revealing, I guess what I would have to say is it makes it really hard for me to really enjoy things, because I do worry and tend to see either the down sides of things or the unfinished, you know, the work that isn’t done yet or whatever. Yeah, I think I’m kind of a half empty person instead of half full. It is hard. I’m kind of at the point now where, yeah life would be better if I had X, but it might not be any happier.

And I’ve been thinking about that quite a bit lately and how to possibly get past that [chuckles] that it’s not, you know, it’s not a very rewarding outlook.

57 Morgan continues to reflect back over her life of worry expressing some regret in saying, I don’t know what I was worried about. You know, and in fact I think in some ways it has limited, say, friendships I could have had, where I was more private about my, you know where I didn’t reach out to people or I was hesitant to reach out to people, where I realize in retrospect that that was too bad that I should have.

Morgan also worried about her parents’ reaction when it came time to tell them about Lance’s gender transition. She then describes her historical relationship with both parents, which helped to understand her lifelong conflict, longing to be accepted by others yet not trusting that she could actually get what she wants. She explained that after her parents divorced, her dad continued to spend time with the woman with whom he was having an affair, which “made the relationship uncomfortable” between them.” Her father “was not very involved, not physically present” for Morgan, and although they have not been close in the past, she says that “somehow in—in the last few years the—the relationship has gotten more comfortable.” Later, Morgan expounds on a shift toward acceptance from her dad in saying, My [pause], my father and [Lance] have never really gotten along very well and it’s not that they, you know, in terms of in-law relationships, it’s not the worst I’ve heard by a long shot, but they just, you know didn’t quite get along. And then my dad and my stepmother had come up here for a visit and, you know, it was last summer, so it was pretty early in the [transition] process, and [we]wanted to talk to them about it. And the interesting thing was as soon as we talked to my dad about it, it was like he was suddenly much more comfortable with [Lance] than he had ever been. And it was like there was something off about [Lance] that my dad could feel, and, you know, that there was something off about [Lance] as a woman that made my dad uncomfortable and then when it was corrected, it was corrected, that you know, and so our families have been pretty relaxed about it.

It would almost seem as though Morgan’s parents were more uncomfortable with her being with another woman than they are being with a trans man. It was a major

58 milestone for Morgan to achieve her father’s acceptance, with the ultimate result being a more comfortable relationship among them all.

In addition, Morgan revealed some of her mother’s views about her relationship with Kally early on by saying that I think actually my mother was the one at first who was the most uncomfortable with it. I think she was afraid, you know, I wouldn’t be able to get a good job and that nice people wouldn’t like us and that she was really concerned about how the world would treat us.

Morgan reveals more about her mother and how she is “demanding in terms of having high standards, expecting us to do well in school and to have things that we are willing to work hard at.” She goes on to explain that “I’m always trying to live up to those expectations of her.” Morgan worried how her mother would respond to Lance’s transition, admitting that her mother is “not a real warm fuzzy kind of person,” revealing that “I never want to tell her any bad news.” However, she identifies some bad news in being “disappointed about not having grandchildren.” Morgan has always put much effort toward “trying not to worry her with things that might be potentially worrisome” given that it is “just in the last couple years is actually the most time I’ve ever spent with [my mother] in my adult life.” It is clear that achieving acceptance from her mother has been critical for Morgan, particularly knowing that she does not “have much of a support network.”

Morgan’s worry about being rejected because of Lance’s gender transition has been extremely distressing for her. Despite the fact that “everybody’s been extremely supportive,” her worry pervades and influences her perception of others. However, she

59 acknowledges that with time and experience it has become easier for her to talk more openly with others about Lance’s gender transition.

Subject 2: The Case of Riley Identifying Information Riley is a 38-year-old Caucasian woman, who points out the similarities between her hair style and that of Bettie Page, the notorious bondage model of the 1950s. She wears eyeglasses, is of average height and weight, and presents with a bubbly affect and laughs a great deal. Riley tells the stories behind both tattoos as she proudly displays them. She also talks about the parts of her body that are pierced, at what age she had them done, and why, emphasizing that she has a Marilyn Monroe piercing that emulates the infamous facial beauty mark of the American icon. Riley is the “wife” of her FTM transgender “significant other,”8 Quentin. The two of them have no children.

In June 2007, Riley began to hear Pat, the woman (pre-transition) with whom she was in a relationship for the past 2 years, begin to express some interest in transgender people. She recalls a gradual shift of Pat’s interest as the conversations they had about transgender people moved from an “admiration that turned into envy that turned into regret.” By September 2007, Pat expressed a desire to undergo a gender transition, and asked that she be referred to in the masculine from that point on. Pat quickly transitioned into Quentin by having a hysterectomy in October and starting on testosterone in

8

The terms wife and significant other are used here because these are the ones Riley uses to describe herself and her relationship.

60 November. In March 2008, Quentin legally changed his name and had his gender marker changed to read male instead of female. In June 2008, Quentin had top surgery and by September Riley and Quentin were legally married.

Riley’s Experience of Quentin’s Gender Transition As Riley began to tell her story of Pat’s gender transition, she referred back to March 2006, before the topic of transgender even came up, and when Pat changed her first name. Riley explained that before Pat changed her name to Quentin, she changed it to Pat, because she had her mother’s name and did not like it. She further explains that He9 knew that he didn’t want to have a female name, for sure but that was more of his first name was his mother’s first name, so there was some tie there of, you know, “I don’t, I don’t want to have her name either!” And there’s a large negative connotation to his mother’s name, like in his family it’s used as a, “you know, you’re such a her name,” as a bad thing, a criticism, so there was not a lot of love for that name in the first place. And so he was happy to shed that but he did specifically choose a very [gender] neutral name.

In addition to changing her first name to Pat, Pat and Riley had their last names changed too, because it was important for both of them to share the same last name.

As Riley continued to reflect back on her experience, she reveals that Pat “was kind of starting to move toward that idea [of being transgender], even though he wasn’t ready to confess that yet, or you know, talk about that yet.” Pat’s working environment consisted of an increasing number of transgender adults and youth, which led her to question and be curious about undergoing a gender transition. Riley gave the following example of things that Pat would say to her,

9

The pronouns used in quotes reflect the ones Riley used in the interviews.

61 If I had just felt that when I was younger, then maybe I would have done that or if I had just you know, knew more people in the trans-world, then maybe I would have been able to do that.

The progression of these discussions with Pat about transgender people, according to Riley, went from a “kind of like an admiration that turned into envy, that turned into some more regret, I think.” Riley admits to questioning Pat about any desire to transition by clearly saying, “I would support you. Are you sure you don’t want to do that?” Riley suggests that she knew Pat was transgender before Pat knew, and so when Pat said, “I think I am Trans,” she was not at all surprised. Once Riley heard Pat verbalize an interest in transitioning from female to male, she inundated Pat with numerous questions. For example, she said, All right! What does that mean for you? That means something different for everybody. So what does that mean for you? You know, would you want to do any surgeries at all? Would you want to do just these surgeries? Would you want, you know, what does it look like?

One of the first things Pat did was ask to be referred to as a male, which included being addressed by his male name, Quentin, and having people change pronouns when speaking to him. Although most people have respected this request and responded in kind, Quentin’s boss continues to call him Pat and use feminine identifications. Riley admits that while this fact is annoying to both of them, it is something they can live with, given she is about to retire.

The next step, according to Riley, consisted of getting a hysterectomy, which she revealed was tricky in terms of getting his insurance to cover the cost. Evidently, insurance companies will not simply pay for a voluntary hysterectomy, but need a doctor

62 to suggest it. Because Pat was not planning to have children and has had several women in her family die of cancer, her doctor did not hesitate to perform a hysterectomy.

Then Quentin contacted a transgender clinic and obtained referrals. He met with a psychiatrist, who provided him with a letter diagnosing him with Gender Identity Disorder (GID), which would allow him to advance to the next step, seeing an endocrinologist. Once his endocrinologist received the letter with his GID diagnosis, Quentin was approved to begin testosterone treatment. After a period of testosterone and with his expressed desire to have top surgery, Quentin was referred to a surgeon and his surgery was scheduled.

In Pursuit of Support It was not long after Quentin identified as being transgender that Riley sought out a community of people with whom she could identify. She was looking for a sense of camaraderie with others to share common experiences. The first place she looked was the Internet. Riley explains that the advantage of using the Internet, is that it’s always a wide casting net. You aren’t limited to how many of these people are in my town, or even how many of these people are in my state? Or how many people are in my country? You know?

She goes on to further explain pursuing a supportive community of people by saying, At first, in typical lesbian fashion, I was like “Okay, so I have a new identity. I’m trans-partner. Where is my people?” [chuckles] “Where is my coffee shop? Where is my bar?” [laughs] “Where is my ,” you know. This is how we do things, right?

“I’ve joined this clan, now I need to find where you all are.” [However] I found very quickly that that is a good way to set your self up for severe disappointment.

It doesn’t exist. And, I found that two things, one is that this experience is so completely individual [and] that to get a lot of advice can be more misleading

63 than supportive. You kind of have to really take a lot of grain of salt to things. It’s nice to have an overview, and kind of be like, “Okay, so I’m not alone.” But at the same time, to really kind of cautiously go there because it’s so individual and, more times than not, other people’s experiences are different than mine.

Although Riley describes much of her disappointment in seeking out a support network, she also admits that there were some helpful things about her search. Being able to talk to partners about their experiences was invaluable, particularly at the beginning of Quentin’s transition. She used her Internet contacts as a sounding board and even met with some people for coffee. She expressed some of her thoughts in the following excerpt: There was some “okay definitely not crazy about some of these things that, you know, that I’m seeing or feeling,” but then also I’d be like, “and I’m so not going through that you are at all, or ever thought of that, and that is so not my experience at all.” You know, so there was both.

Riley was disillusioned in her pursuit of a transgender community, because other “trans-partners” were “not necessarily available.” She quickly discovered “that there are really two groups of people in the transgender world,” those who do not identify as being gendered at all and those who identify as being strictly male or female, after they have transitioned. Riley explains that, There’s those that are very in the trans-ambiguity, that are really what I would call more asexual, or more non-gendered, or you know, they really are not looking to be an end-gendered. They’re really living in that trans-world of “I don’t want to identify as anything.” You know, “Don’t gender me at all.” You know? There are those people that really love the ambiguity of not picking a gender at all and not feeling like that’s something they need to do. But then there’s the other half that transgender is the period before they become what they are eventually trying to be. So, there is, that’s not a place, it’s not an end-destination, it’s not an identity.

It’s a transition period to “where I need to be.” “So, I was here for this period of time, I’m going to be here, until I can get to here.”

64 The researcher seeks clarification by asking, “Okay. So, so does that mean they fade out of the trans-community?” Riley responds by saying, Yeah, yeah, absolutely! So they were gay or straight, you know male or female, and now they’re going to be transitioning until they are gay or straight, male or female, that that’s where they’re going. They’re still going to end up being male or female. In the end, they’re still choosing a binary option. They’re not choosing the ambiguity in the middle. And, if anything, there’s, you know, the “I don’t really want to hang out with other people that are still transitioning because then they’re going to out me.” “If they are looking like they might be, you know, not 100% male, that I don’t want to be hanging out with them because I don’t want anybody to be suspicious that I’m not 100% male,” kind of thing. Because there is an extreme importance to those that are transitioning to be stealth that, you know, those that are transitioning with the end result of living stealth as male or female, that once they get there, they’re not looking for you to be outing them as trans.

They are male or female. They are not trans-anything. So, you know, that’s why there’s such a difficult in my opinion, that’s why there is such a difficult support network or, you know, why we have no coffee shops, we have no bars, we have no book stores, because in the end, “I’m not anything other than straight male.”

Or, “I’m not anything other than straight female.” “And so, don’t talk to me about that. That’s not who I am.” It’s an interesting thing.

Although Riley’s experience in seeking out support from the Trans community was not entirely successful, she revealed that some of the support from other transpartners “was reassuring.” She explains by saying, Some of the things like the constant vanity of him, you know dealing with suddenly he’s vain and insecure at the same time, you know, and to recognize that that’s, “of course, that’s normal!” When you’re, you know, if anybody was to put me through a major body change, I would be both vain, you know, and constantly looking at myself and checking it out, and then insecure at the same time, of “I don’t exactly know what’s happening with my body.” [laughs] You know?

Something that all of us, I think go through at a certain point in our lives, it’s just all of a sudden these people that we’re with are suddenly revisiting this point in their life [laughs] in a whole new way.

The pursuit of support from the transgender community did not mean that Riley did not already have some support. It is just that it took her friends some time to adjust to the idea of Quentin transitioning. Riley explained that her friends,

65 have been, I think were a little weird at first. [They] were a little like didn’t know what really to make of the situation. Not that we had a huge friend base in the first place but those on the periphery were kind of like, “Hmm,” but as time has gone on, they’ve kind of just like, what’s the word?, got with the program really or just kind of been like, “All right then, you know, yeah. Okay, so you aren’t all that different,” you know? [laughs] And our close friends have been nothing but supportive. And my family, well, my two sisters that I’m close with are a dream.

Effects of Physical and Emotional Changes While Quentin was “super excited” about starting testosterone treatment, Riley was more apprehensive, because she had “heard so many horror stories” about the dramatic changes that take place. She explains that, initially, it didn’t even like dawn on me to think of it as being any different . . . and it has been very different. [laughs] I didn’t think about his personality changing. He’s always been, you know, “I’m not going to change at all.” And, it’s not fair to say very different for him, because he’s not a wide sweeping big changing kind of a person anyway, so even though maybe for somebody else it’s a minor change, but in the scope of himness, it’s a big change.

Although Riley describes numerous unanticipated changes in Quentin, the single most difficult thing about her experience has been “his moodiness.” She explains that because of her past experience of being physically abused by her mother and previous partners, she is hypersensitive to others’ expression of anger. Riley reveals more about her reaction to Quentin’s mood shifts since injecting testosterone and her understanding of this in the following: It’s a little frightening. I mean, I think it’s my natural reaction, based on my given history, that when people have angry outbursts it’s a frightening situation for me, and it may be that, you know, other people would handle that differently based on their experience. But for me, anybody’s anger—if I’m standing on the street and some man is screaming, you know that’s a frightening situation for me. You know, it doesn’t matter my relationship to them. Any angry outburst in my experience means that things are unpredictable and anything is possible.

66 Anything bad is possible. I think about being abused, being hit, being hit by partners in the past, but my mom, you know, just the fact that people can snap [snaps] like that and go from everything is fine to everything is extremely not okay. [chuckles] You know? And all bets are off as far as what you would consider to be rational normal behavior or what you would consider to be acceptable behavior or what you would want anybody to know that you did kind of thing. That’s when people cross that line of, you know. I think that we’re all kind of; um [pause] bound by some type of understanding of what is socially acceptable behavior. But there seems to be this thing when people lose their temper that they forget that. [laughs] Even though Riley makes light of these experiences by laughing, it is apparent that she is simply defending against her anxiety by expressing the opposite of what she actually feels. It does seem quite plausible to consider that Quentin’s transition may be a trigger for some of Riley’s old coping mechanisms. After all, Riley admits that “to see [Quentin] suddenly do things that are slightly unpredictable sometimes is a little bit unnerving.”

Another area that has been difficult for Riley is the enormous emphasis placed on his physical changes, in regard to his self-consciousness and the focus on his body. She explains that Quentin is so “insecure [and] unsatisfied with his appearance, because he doesn’t feel like he has enough facial hair” or not “want[ing] his photo taken.” In addition, Riley describes how Quentin not only does not recognize the changes he is undergoing but denies that they exist. Disagreements between the two of them arise around issues such as growing facial hair, achieving a lower voice, or having mood swings. Riley provides an example of some typical dialogue. For instance, Quentin will say, “I don’t have the facial hair that I used to, that I want to have,” and Riley will respond by saying, “You don’t have facial hair you want to have, but it is a lot different than what you did have.” Or Riley will say to Quentin, “Your temper is a little hotter than

67 normal; I know you’d like to say that it’s not , but it is [or] your voice is a lot deeper. I know you haven’t heard that but it is,” all of which he denies. Riley explains her understanding of this experience by saying, I think that he is so focused on the end result of what he’d like to be that he doesn’t see the change that has already happened. Where I do, it’s not enough. [laughs] It’s like, because it’s not where he would like it to be, then what he has just doesn’t exist. And it’s like, “That’s not true!” [laughs] It’s definitely not true.

Yeah. [laughs] So that’s one thing to be like, “You actually do have quite, you know, a lot of facial hair compared to what you had when you started, which was none.”

One of the most frustrating experiences for Riley has been that Quentin sometimes does not recall his past. Riley reveals that, It’s like almost having somebody that has a memory loss where you try to describe to them something they had done in the past and they’re just like, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” It’s not that he doesn’t remember the event, but he just doesn’t remember the feelings connected to that. That he ever had those feelings, which is really weird. [chuckles] You know, you’re like, “You don’t remember like, you know, that you wanted to do that?”

The researcher asks Riley what she attributes this “memory loss” to and Riley immediately replies, Testosterone! Oh yeah, without a doubt. Yeah. I think that there’s no way that you could deny that having that type of chemical hormone. Yeah, no, no. I think that even if he was really to be honest, you know it’s a hard thing to be honest about that, but he would have to say that , you’re introducing this chemical into your brain that rewires things. That remaps things.

One of the most challenging changes Riley has experienced so far has been Quentin’s shift toward being much more independent, but excluding her in the process.

Quentin makes decisions of all kinds without consulting Riley, who was not expecting to give approval but simply to share their thoughts. However, they do not view this change

68 in the same way, and Riley is still trying to adjust to this new way of relating, with the distance that she feels. She further explains in the following excerpt: And so maybe that’s, you know, his perspective of it is he’s better at making a clean decision of “this is what I want and I’m going to do it.” But from my vantage point, it looks like, “wow, you’re just going to do something then.” Just like no discussion, no think about it, no mulling it over, just “I’ve decided and it’s done.” You know? [laughs] And that happens more and more, and I can attribute it possibly, partly, in part because I think he’s more comfortable with himself than ever before. He doesn’t do a lot of outwardly questioning, you know? I think his confidence has personally built, and so that does kind of exclude me a little bit, but it’s hard not to take that personally, but I’m trying not to.

Riley’s sex life has also changed as a result of Quentin’s gender transition. She describes these changes in detail in the following by explaining that [Quentin] wants to have sex all the time, like every day, all the time. All the time!

And he did have a high sex drive before but he has a crazy incredible sex drive now to the point that what has changed is that we had a conversation, oh probably like 5 months ago, early, early on into his transition, where he said, you know, “Is it bad if I want to masturbate?” And I said, “No, that’s a boy thing to do, in my book. If you need to masturbate, go for it. That’s just fine.” And so, he recently admitted to me that he masturbates at least once a day. I’m like, “well then, you’re on schedule, you know, for a pubescent boy as far as I’m concerned.” [laughs] Yeah, and like he can’t even sit on the couch with me without, like last night we were sitting on the couch watching TV and he’s like, you know, doing like this thing, like peeking into my shirt, you know? [laughs] “What are you doing?” You know? [laughs] “Are you trying to look in my shirt?” You know? [laughs] Yeah.

Lastly, Riley conveys feeling good and happy for Quentin because she is noticing how, ever so gradual, he is becoming “more comfortable and more confident” in his changing body. She conveys some relief in seeing how he feels about himself by, the way he moves through the world differently and feeling like he belongs there in a way that he hadn’t before. And belongs is really a bad word but confident sounds too little but belongs sounds too awkward. It’s just more of a, you know, he has a better presence. He has more presence. Yeah, seeing him out with other people, he’s definitely changed in the way that he interacts with other people and the way he interacts even with like, you know, a waiter in a restaurant, or you know the cashier at the grocery store. Just his whole interaction and presence in the world is different because he’s more comfortable with who he is.

69 The more comfortable Quentin feels about his own body, the more excited Riley gets in anticipating the extinction of the “no fly zones.” Riley explains that there have always been areas of Quentin’s body that have been off limits to her. She has not been able to touch his breasts or genitalia from the beginning of their relationship and has been eagerly waiting for his top surgery “to be able to touch him more freely.” The following is an excerpt of Riley talking about her fantasy after Quentin has top surgery and a conversation that the two of them had soon after.

Because I’ll get to put my head on your chest.” And he’s like, “I know, and you’ll get to put your hands on my chest,” you know, or like that, you know, you walk up to somebody and you can put your hands on their shoulders, you know, and that thing that is very much in a male-female relationship, where you can put your hands on a man’s chest kind of thing. But that’s been completely off limits to me in every way shape or form. So, the fact that I’ll even have that freedom. It’s just fantastic! I’ll take that it’s, you know, not socially a lesbian behavior to have that option , to even have the option is better. You know? That not only will he be comfortable with it but I’ll be comfortable with it. You know, that I’ll get to have that type of contact with me I feel will be fantastic, you know? Just an extra layer of closeness that I feel like I don’t get to have now.

Identity Re-Examined When Quentin began transitioning, Riley began to re-examine her own identity, wondering what his transition would mean for her. Would Quentin’s gender transition require Riley to be a closeted lesbian, or would she consider herself to be bisexual or heterosexual? The answers to these questions were certainly not simple for her. On the contrary, this has been a very complicated process for Riley to sort through. In fact, it has taken her “a good 6 to 8 weeks of struggle to come to that decision [admitting that] that was a tough decision to come to.” Riley explains that Quentin,

70 really wanted me to not identify as lesbian because he felt it was threatening. He felt like, you know, “If you tell people that you’re a lesbian then you need to explain why I’m not a woman, and then you potentially out me.

Because being out as a lesbian was much more threatening to Quentin than to Riley, she decided that it was not necessary to “wear my lesbianism on my sleeve.” The following is her process in coming to this decision: I can understand how important that was to me in my 20s. But at this point, at this stage in the game, it really is not. It’s not important. And that worked for me. If I was a different person, then that may be important, that could be a deal breaker for your relationship. But I personally came to the decision that, that was not crucial to my functioning in the world, you know, that people know that I’m a lesbian. If they get to know me and they’re in my inner circle of friends that or even my coworkers, they know, and that’s all that needs to be. It’s not crucial.

And it’s definitely not worth needing to expose him. But it’s also simply not necessary for, you know, if he wasn’t transitioning and that was the deciding factor for me was, you know, let’s say he wasn’t transitioning and I was just by myself at a restaurant. How important is it for me that everybody there knows that I’m a lesbian? And do I need to wear a T-shirt, a bumper sticker. I mean, is it necessary and what if I’m out at dinner with my friend Sam, who’s a straight man.

Is it important for me to somehow qualify to the waiter and the bartender that this is my friend, he is straight, but I’m not interested in him? Is that necessary? You know, at what point, where is that line for me? And I decided that it was really not important at all.

Riley described considering how other people would most likely perceive her, explaining that “I get to choose how it effects me internally, you know, whether I decide that I need to change who I feel I am, which I don’t.” She explains that she and Quentin were in a reading group recently and “made some comment about how, you know, I’m a lesbian in a heterosexual relationship. [laughs] So, that’s like [laughs], yeah. [laughs] So, wrap your head around that. [laughs] That’s the way that it is!”

Based on Riley’s dilemma, she has chosen to appear heterosexual to the outside world, even though she knows internally that she is lesbian-identified. She describes a conversation between her and Quentin, when he asked her,

71 “So, if for some reason our relationship was to end, would you date a man or a woman or a trans-man or, you know, trans-woman, or whatever?” And I said I would date a woman. And so that’s pretty much the definitive answer on that. If it was outside of this relationship, I would not date a man. Really the difference is that I’m in this relationship and committed to this relationship and love him, you know, 100%, so that’s why that’s not a question but in the end, on my own. I would only date a woman.

Social Status Shift Being out in the world and interacting with other people has been an eye-opener for Riley since Quentin’s transition. She describes a recent experience where she and Quentin were out of town, stopped at a “straight” bar, where she “felt safer.” Riley explained that while talking to all the local people in the bar, The topic of gay marriage came up and you know, it was interesting, if anything, to kind of feel like I was under cover, you know? [laughs] Like, “Nope, you guys don’t know ’cause I’m sitting here with my boyfriend,” you know?

Riley seems to be playful with the information she and Quentin share about gender, identity, and sexual orientation, and in thinking about what others most likely assume about them.

Categories of Meaning

Forgetting Herself to Accommodate Him Although Riley considers Quentin’s transition to be her “new project” of sorts, she has only recently begun to recognize that she has been “forgetting [her]self” as a result of being “so wrapped up in the excitement of it.” She explains that when Quentin first expressed a desire to undergo a gender transition, she “jump[ed] in with both feet”

72 by being “100% gung-ho, on-board” and supportive without any hesitation. Riley identifies the primary way she has forgotten all about herself in Quentin’s transition by describing her immediate response in the following excerpt: I support you 100% and this is going to be this great new project of mine! I can do all this research, and I’ll go to your doctors’ appointments, and we’ll go to conventions and meetings and this is my new project!

What might cause Riley to be so supportive of Quentin’s plans without having any idea of what this would actually require of her? Although the answer to this question is very complicated, it is important to point out that based on the researcher’s experience with Riley, her initial supportive stance seems to be a defensive maneuver. She exhibits the use of a manic defense by talking rapidly, presenting as extremely bubbly with high energy, making light of her pain, and concealing the accessibility of her emotional self.

This defense could perhaps serve to protect her from the anxiety she has that Quentin’s transition may result in their relationship ending. Her anxiety betrays her perception that she only has two options. Riley explains, “That there are two initial reactions” to transitioning that trans-partners or spouses have. The first is, “I do not know what you are talking about. This is not what I signed up for. This is not going to work out!” The second option, the one that Riley chose, consists of being “100% gung-ho from the start.”

Given that Riley imagined having only two options at this crucial time, it is not surprising she chose the one that gave her more of a sense of omnipotence than the alternative of feeling powerless, of not having input about his decision. The latter is a painful reminder of how quickly people have come and gone from Riley’s life. As a child, her ties to people were constantly being severed, not only because she “moved

73 every year,” but because her mother divorced two husbands (including Riley’s father) by the time Riley was 10 years old.

Riley uses a manic defense as a way of forgetting herself and her own issues by becoming highly absorbed in Quentin. This situation is a much less threatening one than losing Quentin and ending up alone, because she does not do well alone. Her return to psychotherapy every time a relationship ends reveals Riley’s yearning to maintain the relationship at all costs; she admits that “pretty much every breakup I’ve gone back to counseling.”

Riley has been giving up so much of herself that she has begun to conceal both her identity as an individual and her sexual orientation. She admits thinking that if she openly identifies as lesbian it would create a barrier between her and Quentin. So instead, Riley focuses on understanding Quentin’s need to identify as a Trans-man, while minimizing what she needs and how she thinks of herself. She hides herself in a sense to protect Quentin and has stopped openly referring to herself as lesbian. For example, Riley says, I can recognize and identify with where he is and his need for the identity, then that has had to make me come to a place of complete ambiguity with identity.

Because, I’ve had to recognize that that is something that I either fight for and cling to, of what I have made my own identity, which would separate me from him.

The best Riley can do at present is to claim an identity that is more about Quentin than about her as she proudly announces, “I have a new identity. I’m trans-partner!”

Another way that Riley forgets herself in Quentin’s transition is in her difficulty expressing her own opinion, feelings, or memories, independent of his. She seems to be mirroring Quentin, as they both repudiate their shared experiences prior to his transition.

74 For example, she says that “it’s like almost having somebody that has a memory loss where you try to describe to them something they had done in the past and they’re just like, “I really don’t know what you’re talking about,” and she refers to his memory lapse as being “really weird.”

However, Riley is participating in this same phenomenon by disavowing significant aspects of her past with Quentin. For example, she says, “I notice the changes, but I don’t notice them,” or “I know that he’s different. I see it every day that it’s different, but I don’t see.”

One area where the defense of disavowal is most apparent for Riley is when referring to Quentin’s gender identity before his transition. The following demonstrates how Riley seems to experiences a psychic strain to remember that Quentin identified as Pat not that long ago.

I know for sure that he’s not a girl. I don’t ever confuse him as a girl. But, if anything, it’s hard to remember that he was at some point a girl. And to see those old pictures and be like, “Wow, you were a girl back then.” You know? [laughs] “And you’re so not now at all.”

Riley’s difficulty in acknowledging that Quentin was “a girl back then” is due to cognitive dissonance, a concept that occurs “when our actions conflict with our prior attitudes” resulting in “chang[ing] our attitudes to be more consistent with our actions” (van Veen, Krug, Schooler, & Carter, 2009). Riley cannot tolerate the disjunction involved in Quentin’s change, and so she obliterates the fact there was a change by bringing her past and present experiences in line, making them more tolerable psychically. Riley exhibits cognitive dissonance again when she describes first connecting with Pat on the Internet, before they actually met in person. She reveals that it

75 was Pat’s feminine appearance that was not appealing to her and describes how Pat contacted her.

And she had sent me pictures, and I was like, “ehh,” you know [laughs] not really my type, you know, wearing some makeup and that’s not really my type, and that’s really not my type! And so she was wearing some makeup in the picture.

And I was like that’s, you know, I go for really butch girls. You know, maybe we can be friends or whatever.

It is much more likely to consider that Riley cannot afford to readily remember Pat, because remembering Pat may trigger the surfacing of pain that she has suppressed for years. Therefore, she defends against feeling sad, which is evident in the researcher’s experience of the tension and sadness as Riley talks a mile a minute, with a flight of ideas.

Another possibility in considering why Riley may not be able to access her internal experience is perhaps evident in the researcher’s countertransference, which provides further data, suggesting the immensity of the psychological task of adapting to Quentin’s transition. For example, after each interview, the researcher became acutely aware of an unusual occurrence that seemed to mirror an overarching theme of Riley’s internal experience, as she felt a mental paralysis of sorts; an inability to think, concentrate, sort out, and articulate her own ideas, feelings, and reactions to what Riley had revealed about her experience just minutes before. For example, the following is a quote from the researcher’s documented reactions.

I feel like I don’t even know how I feel. Do I feel overwhelmed? I feel like it’s difficult to come up with my own thoughts—almost as though I cannot think about all I am hearing. It is as though I don’t know how I feel.

76 The researcher could not adequately articulate her internal process either. Might this be what Riley experiences with Quentin? Has she, too, felt like her vocabulary became surprisingly condensed for no apparent reason?

Another atypical experience the researcher had while interviewing Riley was a feeling of having nothing else to inquire about. It felt as though everything has been discussed in the first few hours, leaving nothing more to explore or be curious about. And then immediately following this thought, there was a bubbling up of an overwhelming anxiety at the thought of running out of material to discuss while sitting with Riley.

Perhaps one way Riley is coping with the changes is by warding off her anxiety by completely shutting down emotionally. While there are many possibilities in attempting to understand Riley and her experience, it is important to acknowledge that the emergence of an expanding capacity to adapt to new situations seems to be at work here as well.

With time, Riley realizes that there are repercussions for focusing so intensely on Quentin and his transition. She explains, “That at some point you realize, “Hey, wait a minute, this isn’t all just about you.” [laughs] Some of this is going to be my problem to deal with!” She elucidates that “you can forget yourself for only so long, before at some point you’re going to have to recognize that you’re going to need to pay some attention to how this is really going to affect you.”

The consequences of placing Quentin in the spotlight have happened subtly for Riley; however, when she did begin to contemplate her own ideas and emotions, she was inundated with numerous questions. For example, Riley thought:

77 All this is great, wonderful, and then there’s the reckoning of, “Wait, now what does this mean for me?” That’s great that you’re doing all this and I’m behind you but now I need to think about people are starting to ask me questions about me.

What does that mean? I hadn’t thought about that. I don’t know how I feel about that.

Riley’s allegiance to Quentin’s transition, her “new project,” has derailed her desire to be more actively involved in open discussions in regard to the myriad effects of Quentin’s transition Not sharing her difficult, negative thoughts as well as her positive ones, is, perhaps, the manifestation of the need to avoid her worry about losing Quentin.

Her defensive stance, though, may maintain the security of their relationship, whether in fantasy or reality, and provide for Riley the sense of stability and safety she seeks.

Familiarity with the Erratic Riley’s experience of Quentin’s gender transition is living in familiar territory for her, because the unpredictability and continual change involved in his transition is not alien to her. On the contrary, Riley grew up in an environment of uncertainty and confusion, and her experience of Quentin’s transition parallels her experience in her nuclear family. For example, as a child, Riley’s family did not settle anywhere for long.

She explains, We pretty much moved every year through my elementary years, [and then] when I went to first grade we moved three different times while I lived there before third grade, different school districts, within that same area but different school districts, so having to leave school in the middle of school years all the time. And then we moved about three more times before I left home when I was sixteen.

78 So when she refers to her experience with Quentin by saying, “I don’t know what to expect exactly, [because] I hear all these horror stories” about what undergoing top surgery may entail, Riley is revealing her worry about changes that may occur, which is likely to evoke anxieties of a similar kind that occurred earlier in her life. Not knowing what to expect is much more familiar to her than having any sense of consistency. In fact, Riley is drawn to living an unconventional life, outside of the mainstream and with room for the unexpected. Expressing a desire to be different and taking pride in considering herself to be an alternative person is important to her. Therefore, it seems plausible to consider that something about Quentin’s transition may feel right to her and resonates with her. Riley readily admits her inability to feeling settled enough to stay put for longer than a few years by revealing that she has “a problem with moving every year . . . and a problem finishing things.” She is perhaps, unconsciously compelled to stir things up when her life becomes less chaotic and more stable. For instance, Riley conveys an unease and boredom with her life when it becomes too ordinary and predictable, when she describes her life before Quentin’s transition by saying, And so, we moved from downtown to [the suburbs]. And for that year that we lived there, we lived very suburban, like, baby planning, house-buying planning lifestyle, you know? I was just talking about this the other day with my friend how it’s so different now than it was then, that, you know, our lives were we would get up and I would iron his shirts, and I would make coffee, and we would, you know, commute into town together, and then we would commute back together. We would go to the grocery store, and then we’d go home, and make dinner together and that, you know. Our lives were very planned and, you know, and very, like, on Saturdays, we would clean the house from noon to two, and you know, we had a pattern. But I hated living in the suburbs, I really did. And, I don’t own a car, and so I really missed having the accessibility of transportation.

On the surface, it may not appear that Riley was discontented with the predictability of her life with Pat (pre-transition) during this time. However, Riley seems

79 to find herself unconsciously compelled to make easy times more difficult, evidenced by how she projects her unease with the unfamiliar onto the suburbs and inaccessibility of public transportation.

Riley’s discomfort in feeling she has no control of the shifts in Quentin’s temperament was also familiar to her. Without realizing it, Riley was in a situation so similar to her experience in childhood that she was initially at a loss for a new way to respond to Quentin. She recalls thinking, “It’s not normal for him to have an outburst that he doesn’t have control over. The intensity is higher, much higher, [and] that’s not the way things used to work. [laughs]” Riley’s laughter, based on the researcher’s experience of her at that moment, seemed like more of an anxious, defensive reaction to feeling scared when exposed to another’s anger. There were numerous times throughout the interviews when Riley would laugh in the midst of talking about a painful experience, and although Riley was laughing, the researcher felt a deep sense of sadness that Riley seemed to be disavowing.

Quentin’s gender transition and his “temper flares” have caused her to relive some of the most painful experiences she has had with her parents. The following is an excerpt that demonstrates the impact Quentin’s anger has had on Riley: It’s a little frightening. I mean, I think it’s my natural reaction, based on my given history, that when people have angry outbursts it’s a frightening situation for me, and it may be that, you know, other people would handle that differently based on their experience. But for me, if I’m standing on the street and some man is screaming, you know that’s a frightening situation for me. You know, it doesn’t matter my relationship to them. Any angry outburst in my experience means that things are unpredictable and anything is possible. Anything bad is possible.

In an attempt to have Riley talk more specifically about her personal experience with Quentin, the researcher asked, “What do you think of when you think of your

80 experience?” Riley demonstrates her mastery of defensive strategies whether she is referring to her mother or Quentin, protecting herself against pain by distracting herself with more general ideas, as shown in the following excerpt. Her cautiousness with those expressing anger is certainly understandable given her experience.

Um, I think about being abused, being hit by partners in the past, but my mom . . . you know, just the fact that . . . people can snap [snaps] like that and go from everything is fine to everything is extremely not okay. [chuckles] You know? And all bets are off as far as what you would consider to be rational normal behavior or what you would consider to be acceptable behavior or what you would want anybody to know that you did kind of thing. That’s when people cross that line. I think that we’re all kind of, [pause] bound by some type of understanding of what is socially acceptable behavior. But there seems to be this thing when people lose their temper that they forget that. [laughs] Yeah, so you can’t count on, you know, “It’s not okay to hit people in public.” Because now, even though that might be, you know, something everybody understands if somebody loses their temper, those rules are no longer there. That nice boundary is no longer there. And so that’s why people’s tempers frighten me, and his, I think, it’s a little like, “All right then, I’m really not sure what to do with that because not only have you bent what I understand are, the rules when somebody, anybody gets angry, but now you’ve gone into this place where it’s you’re getting angry and you don’t do angry, and so I really don’t know what that is. I don’t have a basis of comparison of, you know, you’ve always been kind of somebody who pops off and loses their temper every now and then and that means nothing. That means you can get mad and you’re over it in 10 seconds. I don’t know that about you. I don’t know what the situation means. So, um-hmm. Okay then.” [laughs] The power of Riley’s compulsion to repeat (Freud, 1920/1955) is apparent when she reveals how Quentin’s temperament before and during the transition are identical to her parents. For example, Riley describes her father as “very controlled . . . and not very effusive at all,” which is how she describes Quentin before his transition. She is talking about Quentin when she says, “I’m used to him being so controlled, that when he does have like this sudden outburst, I’m like, ‘I don’t really know what to do with you like that. He’s normally in the past been so controlled, and so calm, and so non-effusive.’”

81 Given that Riley’s relationship with her father is “nonexistent,” could she have unconsciously wanted her relationship with Pat (pre-transition) to be more like what she had hoped for with her father? Was Riley drawn to Pat, because she was more mild mannered, calm, and stable, similar to her father? If this were the case, on one level, there may have been a sense of relief in knowing that she found someone who was the opposite of her mother. But then coincidently, Riley unconsciously chose someone who she unwittingly might have known would be similar to her mother by bringing emotional unpredictability to her life. Hence, she ends up with a love object that is more like both her father by identifying as male and her mother by demonstrating unpredictable mood shifts.

Although Riley’s attraction to Pat may have been intended to be the opposite of the familiar and erratic by guarding against the same anxiety from occurring again, the impact of Quentin’s gender transition was more similar to her experience with her mother. For example, Riley describes her relationship with her mother as being “always very symbiotic, very close, yet, you know, very contentious at the same time.” Riley goes on to describes her mother further as she says she “is extremely emotional, extremely expressive, um, extremely volatile [with] tantrum issues.” Given that her mother was her primary attachment figure, it is certainly understandable to see how Riley could have unconsciously created similar relationship dynamics between her and Quentin, matching the tumultuous maternal one. This idea carries particular weight given that Riley was abandoned by her mother, and similarly expresses the same feelings of abandonment by Quentin. Riley explains that Quentin,

82 started testosterone in November, and he’s been more about, like, “You need to do your own thing and be more independent of me,” and “My life is too busy to spend time with you,” and we’ve gotten to a point now where we are so far apart and so independent that, like, our day will look like I will get up and set the alarm for him, kiss him goodbye, leave the house, take the bus, go to work, come home, eat my own dinner. He comes home sometime between, sometimes he doesn’t get home until 9 o’clock at night. And so, we’ll watch some TV and then go to bed.

And so, it’s like, it’s a lot more distant.

The relationship, simultaneously distant and close, evolved into a confusing and unpredictable one since Quentin’s transition and yet is something that Riley had learned to live with years before she even met him. Is it not possible, then, that Riley experiences Quentin’s personality changes as reminiscent of an earlier painful experience, because it seems like a repetition of more chaos? Perhaps Riley feels threatened, partly because her mother abandoned her and Quentin’s transition provokes the same anxiety.

Working through the Loss It’s sad, because I think one of the things that I’ve recently realized is that I do really miss her. She was a lot more open and just the feminine energy that she had and he doesn’t have it. It’s a really weird thing, because I think it’s been going on longer than I realize and it’s been progressive, so it’s hard to say.

Riley has only recently been able to acknowledge that Quentin’s gender transition has been an extremely painful loss for her. Her sadness is apparent as she tears up when reflecting back on some of the most meaningful memories with Pat. She recalls how different Pat was from who Quentin is, and describes an experience she had at the beginning of their relationship.

At first, he was an extreme romantic, like crazy romantic, like sweep you off your feet, crazy, romantic. Like doing things like, we were driving home one night from somewhere and he pulled off right before the street we were supposed to

83 turn on to go to where we lived, into a parking lot and pulled the car up, and pressed the button to a song, and turned it up on the radio, opened the car doors, and got me on the other side, and danced with me in the parking lot. Like slowdanced to a song. And [clears her throat] now I’m going to cry. [chuckles] Um, just that kind of crazy, romantic.

Although Riley acknowledges how much she misses Pat, she can only tolerate feeling this loss for brief periods of time. Her tears begin, but then she immediately defends against her pain by laughing and changing the subject to how happy she is with Quentin. The following excerpt demonstrates how Riley leaps into a more optimistic point of view when her sadness about losing Pat surfaces: He’s so not a girl anymore. He’s not a girl anymore—at all! And that’s sometimes a little hard to swallow. He would never do something like he had done when we were first together, where it was our first anniversary actually. For our first anniversary, he bought watercolors and watercolor paper and had us draw like watercolors together and then write each other a love note and put it in an envelope to save until our next anniversary. That’s never going to happen again, that kind of like girly-girly kind of stuff, that’s never going to happen again, those types of girly things that like are just not ever going to come back. It’s a little sad because I liked that. But it’s hard to complain when he’s still, you know, a fabulous guy! It’s hard to complain. You know? He’s still great! He’s just different, different great. He’s still very thoughtful. He’s still very kind. He’s still very loving. But he’s just not female. And I don’t know what to do about that. [laughs] I can’t do anything about that. [laughs] When Riley says she does not know what to do about losing Pat, she is acknowledging her need to defend against grieving her loss, as apparent in the above excerpt. For example, Riley uses minimizing as a defense in referring to her loss by saying it is “a little hard to swallow” and “It’s a little sad.” She does not let herself feel the full impact of her experience of the loss of her special relationship with Pat. Riley feels sadness and immediately swallows it. She defends against grieving her loss by engaging in a suppression of her feelings; she chokes them back and refuses to give in to them. This can be seen in the first set of quotations when Riley chuckles

84 immediately after acknowledging that she is about to cry. She laughs when she really feels like crying. Her use of this defense can also be seen in the second set of quotations when she expresses feeling helpless, only to laugh about it.

One reason she suppresses her grief is that she imagines that the open expression of her sadness would be problematic. She explains that she does not want to “complain.”

It does not occur to Riley that an open and honest sharing of her feelings and thoughts may actually bring her closer to Quentin. Instead, she imagines this to be a threat to her relationship.

Riley’s fear of losing her love object is certainly understandable, given that she has experienced painful rejection from her mother throughout the years that has been traumatic for her. According to Riley, her mother refused to speak to her on two separate occasions, one lasting for 14 years. If her mother disapproved of something that Riley was doing, she would respond maliciously and refuse to talk to her. Riley explains that when she was an adolescent and moved in with her father, her mother “refused to speak with me, and she would send me just crazy hate-mail letters but not, like, talk to me. And I would send her gifts, and she would send them back unopened.”

After 3 years of having no contact with her mother, Riley had 2 years of shortlived reconciliation because Riley came out as a lesbian, once again her mother cut off contact. Riley explains that her mother “sent back gifts. She wouldn’t answer phone calls.

She sent me two things over those 14 years. She sent me a picture of each of my brothers’ weddings.”

85 If Riley were to allow herself to feel the pain of losing Pat, the pain of losing her mother for all those years would begin to unravel as well. The idea of the pain of loss is so unbearable that Riley has considered suicide as an alternative to losing or imagining the loss of her love object. She reveals that in the summer of 2007, Pat drove her to a hospital in another state because Riley was suicidal and could not tolerate their friend flirting with Pat, feeling that threatened her relationship.

Although Riley’s tendency is to defend against her anxiety about losing Pat, she continues to persevere. She struggles to acknowledge the pain by taking in as much as she can at a time, without being too overloaded, and this struggle may be her biggest challenge. She seems to be unconsciously managing her loss by vacillating between defending against and surrendering to it. An example of this is illustrated as follows, as she defends against her feelings by projecting them onto Quentin, imagining what he must be experiencing: “You know? To try to make up that period of time in your psyche would be so overwhelming. I can’t imagine like having to try to embrace all of that all at once.” On the contrary, it is Riley who cannot imagine this idea, because she is in the thick of it at present. Minutes later, she surrenders to what she knows to be true for her by saying, “It’s like finding yourself suddenly in a new relationship and I’m still working through making peace with [that]. It was a completely different person than I knew [before].

One of the most impressive things about Riley to the researcher was the amount of trauma she has endured and the tremendous resilience that she exhibits. Her ability to

86 adapt to events controlled by others began early in life, and at first glance, her experience of Quentin’s transition does not seem to be anything out of the ordinary for her.

Constructing a Cohesive Understanding Within the first year of Quentin’s transition, Riley felt challenged to construct a cohesive understanding of a complex experience. She seemed determined to make sense of various ideas about aspects of biology, psychology, and anatomy as well as her own fantasies that had been surfacing since Quentin began transitioning. Riley may have wished that she could simplify and normalize what she and Quentin were going through; consequently, she managed to convince herself that several difficult-to-understand issues did in fact make sense to her. For example, Riley demonstrates how she attributes Quentin’s “memory loss” of emotional experience to testosterone, rather than acknowledge feeling as though he is being dishonest with her. She explains that it is “not that he doesn’t remember the event, but he just doesn’t remember the feelings connected to that.” She expands on how she understands this in the following excerpt: I think that there’s no way that you could deny that type of chemical hormone.

Yeah, no, no. I think that even if he was really to be honest, you know it’s a hard thing to be honest about that, but he would have to say that you’re introducing this chemical into your brain that rewires things. That remaps things. Chemically, you have altered that way that because feelings are just chemical reactions when you get right down to the biology of it, chemically you have altered your ability to have that type of biological reaction, i.e., that feeling.

It is important to point out that Riley does acknowledge her difficulty in making sense of her experience. By projecting onto Quentin this “hard thing,” she unconsciously exposes her own struggle.

87 In an attempt to better understand how Riley is adapting to and integrating Quentin’s “memory loss,” the researcher asked, “When you reflect back you don’t look at it as a negative difference, a loss, some sadness about the way he was?” Riley immediately responds by explaining how the difference in Quentin is comparable to the difference between twins: Well, it’s quite as simple as, say, if you were to date biologically twin brother and sister, who had so many of the same behaviors and patterns. There is still a difference because one is a male and one is a female. It doesn’t matter if they were cultured the same way, you know, they have the same ideals and morals and all those things, they’re going to have a difference simply because they are different, male and female. It’s really like that, and there’s not—and it’s so intangible because of that.

Riley’s rapid response seemed self-protective, in that she allows no time to think or reflect on the question. She defends against feeling the loss and sadness in question by acting as though her comments made sense to her and were supposed to make sense to the researcher as well.

Riley seems to moves in and out of what Bromberg (2001) refers to as “dissociated self-states.” She is conceivably operating from a self-preservation mode, by defensively dividing aspects of herself that are in conflict, unorganized, and affectively charged. Riley cannot seem to link her experience together in a way that is comprehensible to her. She has sacrificed so much of herself as a result of Quentin’s transition that she has little left, and she is desperately hanging on to whatever remains.

While listening to how Riley tries to make sense of such a complicated experience, it occurred to the researcher that this is most likely the first time she has been asked to articulate her understanding of being the partner of a trans-man. It seemed almost as though Riley spoke automatically as she went from providing one example

88 after another. Was she actually trying to convince herself that her experience makes sense to her rather than wanting the researcher to understand her communications?

Riley leaps into another way of explaining how she understands Quentin’s transition by saying, I mean, really I think there is three pieces of gender for him. There is psychologically, so this all started with “Psychologically, I really feel that I’m male. Now how do I get the rest of everything to match?” In the medical world, I think it means that you have gender dysphoria, which means you have a psychological problem. But I think that honestly means that your mind really more identifies with what our world is calling male. Your mind matches what our world identifies as male, and since your body doesn’t and your chemistry doesn’t.

Those two need to be changed to match where your mind feels. You know, if our body, you know, if our world identified male as, if we were to switch it, then it would be a different story. You know, then I would be in trouble, because I wouldn’t identify with you know what, you know if I was in this body and I identify with what my mind says I’m female but the rest of the world said that females don’t have breasts, [for example] then I would need to make a change.

That’s the way that I make sense of it. But as you’re moving through this world, where you are presented with “these are the norms that you need to fall in line with,” it’s natural that you’re influenced in your mind is to “that is what I am . . .

I’m that right there.”

Notice that after the first sentence, Riley is no longer actually talking about her personal experience with Quentin; she begins intellectualizing, at least initially. She removes him from the equation by making sweeping generalizations about “you” and “your” before shifting into references of “we,” and then ultimately, “I.” It is as though her statements do not actually apply to her in a personal, intimate way, and therefore may actually reflect a valiant attempt to construct a cohesive understanding of her experience.

It is evident throughout these data that Riley does not allow herself to be selfreflective. Perhaps she cannot tolerate the psychic discrepancy of all the information she has absorbed since Quentin’s transition began, and even though her resiliency allows her to continue trying to organize her experiences by linking them together in a cohesive and

89 coherent way, she continues to struggle. At one point, Riley revealed being conscious of this in explaining, You know, it seems really simplistic and there’s [pause] there’s a part of me that even when I say it, it sounds like, because I’ve said this to somebody else before is that it can’t be that easy and at some point I’ve got to have like some major breakdown about it.

Wrong Body Made Right Riley talks about her own experience by putting herself in Quentin’s place. One might ask why she would do this, given the vulnerability associated with the identification. However, she can understand Quentin’s transition more easily by identifying with him. The following excerpt demonstrates her understanding of the need for Quentin to physically alter his body: I think much like, you know, somebody who has always been overweight and has imagined what it would be like to be thin—have wanted that so desperately and have seen how the world treats thin people as opposed to heavy people seen all those things and have said really deep down inside, “I’m not this huge person. I really am this small person and that’s where I really should be.” So, then you go after trying to alter the outside to meet the inside imagining. So, you had this idea in your head of “this that I see in the mirror is not me. I should be this over here.”

So, you need to make those adjustments to get to that place.

Here again, the researcher recognizes that Riley is not being direct about the fact that she is actually talking about herself. Therefore, for clarification, she asks Riley, “Is that actually some of your experience when you had surgery yourself?” Riley replies, “[You mean the] gastric bypass surgery?”

Absolutely! And maybe that colors the way that I see the whole thing, is because I know what that’s like because I had always been heavy. I wasn’t one of those people that was thin and then gained a whole bunch of weight. Like, I had since kindergarten I had been heavy. I was a heavy kid. I was a heavy teenager. There was a period of time when I was a thin teenager for like maybe 2 years but, you know I’d be like, I’d get a little bit thinner and then I’d gain weight again, but I

90 was over 230 pounds starting in 1990 on, [and] had never been lower than 230 pounds—until 2004 [when she had surgery]. So, that was all of my adult life. I had always been this big girl but in my mind I knew that that just didn’t match.

You know, I would go to the store and buy a size 24 and I was like, that was not, that wasn’t me inside. So, to have to be the kind of person that can look in the mirror now and be like, you know, I’d like to lose 20 pounds, but I can deal with that. Now I’m actually in the place where I feel like most of the population is. I’d like to lose 10 pounds. I’d like to lose, you know, 20 pounds. How many women say that? Like all of them, you know? So, at least I feel like I’m in the norm now.

You know, this is me. I’m a normal person; I’m not this other person that I did not identify with. And there are plenty of obese people who identify and embrace that. You know, “that I’m a big girl and this is how I am.” And feel that as their identity. I was not one of those and so I guess I do kind of see it from that vantage point.

Riley abruptly slips out of talking about her experience and focuses on Quentin, without skipping a beat. Her change of direction was so fast and so subtle that it could have easily gone unnoticed. Could she, unconsciously, want to see if she is being attended to? Could Riley be wondering if the researcher will also abandon her by not paying attention to her conversation? In the following, she links her experience with Quentin’s.

That does color the way that I see it, but I can relate to where he’s coming from of looking in the mirror and be like, “I’ve dealt with this for a long time. I’ve lived this body but I have not always felt like this was me and now I have in my mind that this is what I would really like to be and I am not going to be happy until I see it in the mirror.” That, you know, “this facial hair is not acceptable. I want the facial hair that I have in my mind that I should have.” Or, you know, “these breasts, this chest is not acceptable. I have in my mind that this is what it should really look like and I’m not going to be happy until it’s that way.

Riley further explains her understanding of Quentin’s transition by explaining that he “had breast reduction surgery when he was 18, so he’s had a surgery very similar to” top surgery, revealing that Quentin’s “mother really pushed him to do it because he was really top heavy.” Riley explains that, because Quentin’s mother disapproved of Pat’s

91 (pre-transition) body, and, more specifically, his large breasts, she made sure that Pat had breast reduction surgery.

Riley expounds further in the following comments, on what seems to be, at least in part, a conversation she has had with Quentin.

So, he actually has the exact same scars already. He is not as frightened I think as some people because he feels like, you know, “I’ve already had a surgery very similar to this.” You know? “Sure it’s a little bit more invasive, a little bit more drastic but I know what the recovery time is with the drainage tubes and that’s not new to me, so.” So all of that was part of the surgery when he was 18?

Riley glosses over the significance of having surgery of any kind; to acknowledge the magnitude of the breast reduction surgery would require her to do the same about her gastric bypass. Therefore, Riley minimizes the danger and possible risks involved with these major surgeries, in order to maintain a customary form of detachment that is related, in part, to her own, having minimized the importance of her surgery.

As Riley untiringly attempts to make sense of her experience, she plunges into another version of being one way and wanting to be the other, in the following example: You know. “I’m green as opposed to blue. That’s me. I’m totally green. I’m so not blue. Well then I need to match all of these things that are green, whatever green is.” You know? And, “I need to get as far away from blue as possible, because that’s just not me.” And whatever that needs to be in order to fall in line.

Yeah. So how do you pursue what is going to make that in alignment for you?

Oddly enough, for him it’s been like one step beyond. You know, he’s come to the point of saying you know, “I’m definitely not a straight woman. I’ve identified that and come to peace with that.” and made that, you know, way back when he was in high school. “I’m not a straight woman.” You know, “I’m obviously attracted to women.” And then beyond that was the, in addition to that, “I’m really not a woman at all, that as I look into this world and everything that it says is male, that’s me. That guy over there is dressing how I want to dress, is moving through the world as I would like to be moved, is being recognized in the world as I would like to be recognized.” You know, “has the things, and is the thing that I am and I’m not getting recognized that way.” You know, and that’s . . . “How come nobody is seeing that I’m really that guy over there?” You know, and to be there is, you know, I can imagine how frustrating that would be.

92 Riley seems to want to “get as far away from” what she does not want to see, and in doing that she is trying to remain unaware of some deeper anxieties, one of which is perhaps not feeling at one with her own body. There seems to be a lack of curiosity about exploring the origin of not feeling comfortable in one’s own body. And actually, Riley does know all too well “how frustrating that would be,” because, according to her, she had been a thin woman in an overweight body.

Riley reveals a change in her fantasy about Quentin since he has been transitioning. Although she had had fantasies about him long before his transition, she implies using her imagination about his anatomy much more vividly in the following: He was always kind of like a Ken doll to me in the past, you know where there are these anatomically missing spots where there should be anatomically correctness, you know? Like, how Ken dolls are, there’s just like a crotch that’s blank, you know [laughs], there’s nothing there [chuckles]. And so I started to imagine him as he would be anatomically correct and how that would be, that was different and wanting that for him because I knew that he wanted that for himself.

And starting to see him that way was the first of any type of like fantasy or thinking about that.

According to Riley, she reveals another fantasy that she has had and that became a reality during the short period of time while being interviewed by the researcher. She describes eagerly awaiting the time to get rid of the “no-fly zones” while explaining that, maybe there would be parts of his body that would no longer be untouchable or, you know unobtain—un-, seriously like you know, “don’t lay you head on my chest” kind of uncomfortable body issues. That maybe some of those would go away and that would ease some of that tension and make him more comfortable, then make me more comfortable with that, but it [pause] was starting to come to my mind, you know, when I would envision him or imagine him, you know in clothes.

Because Quentin had top surgery after the researcher met with Riley for the fourth interview, she could hardly wait to share how her fantasy had become a reality when she

93 arrived for her fifth and final interview. Riley described how the “no-fly zone” pertaining to Quentin’s chest has disappeared.

Yeah. Yeah, last night, we’re big cuddlers and he was cuddling me and he’s like, “Come over here and put your head right here.” I’m like, “Well, what about, you know, all your stuff?” And he’s like, “Just carefully, just right here.” You know?

And I’m like, “Yes, I’ll get to put my head on his chest.” That’s awesome. I’m so looking forward to it—so looking forward to it. It’s going to be great. It is exciting.

Riley conveyed understanding Quentin’s top surgery as a cure, not only for him but for her, too. It would seem that, if Quentin feels comfortable with his body, then Riley feels comfortable in being able to access his body. Although this would seem to be the case, it actually speaks to the power of the imagination and one’s ability to convince oneself of anything. Riley seemed to have invested so much energy into anticipating her desire that she wished it true, an idea that she described earlier as, if you think you are, you are.

It is not difficult to see how Riley is unconsciously acting out something in the way that she has been dealing with the transition. Has she unconsciously wanted to be in a relationship with both a man and a woman? Could she have known without consciously knowing beforehand, that Pat would likely seek a gender transition? Has Riley been trying to deal with her worry about the transition by taking control over it, by actively encouraging Pat to undergo a gender transition? Has she been unconsciously seeking a man? Or is she attempting to gain mastery over her anxiety from this surprising change by being extremely supportive, turning the passive into active rather than feel helpless?

Nonetheless, by strongly encouraging Quentin to transition before he actually expressed

94 any desire for this himself, Riley unconsciously recreates her own familiar pattern of personal suffering. Riley explains, I kind of heard the rumblings and always said you know, “You can do it and I’ll be here for you. It’ll be all right.” You know, that I saw on my end, but he still was not, you know, and I would question him, I’d be like, “Do you think that that’s, you know, I would support you. Are you sure you don’t want to do that?”

You know, and he’d, “No, no, no, no, no, no, no.” And so, I think I felt it earlier on and he was not there about it. So then when he did come around, of course I was, “Of course, I’ve been telling you for months. Of course, go ahead, let’s do this. Come on, it’s fine, it’ll be fine.” [I am] 100% supportive. So, about September is when he’s like, “Yeah, I think so.” “I think that I,” you know, one of those other random conversations where he said something random, and I’m like, “You know? It’ll be all right. Go ahead and come out here. You know, it’ll be okay.” But he was like, “Yeah, I think I am trans.”

Perhaps Riley felt compelled to support Quentin prematurely through an experience about which she knew nothing, but she put herself in the middle of the same dynamic in which she grew up in, one where she felt she had no control. In the midst of Quentin’s transition, Riley explains that her experience has been one of, those types of things and the [pause] the not knowing exactly what was going on and feeling like, “Okay, so it’s not just me that is completely that feels sometimes completely out of the loop.” Because I’m used to knowing exactly everything that’s going on and having a lot more control, and to just realize that that’s just not going to happen. This is the type of situation that doesn’t lend itself to having a lot of control. It’s just going to happen. It’s organic and that’s the way it’s going to be.

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Subject 3: The Case of Charlie Identifying Information Charlie is a 44-year-old Caucasian woman of average height and weight. She has short-wavy, reddish-brown hair, and describes herself by saying that her friends say she looks like a suburban housewife. Charlie presents as calm, thoughtful, and very likable.

She is the “wife” of her FTM transgender “husband,” Blaze. She has two adult children from her previous marriage, a 23-year-old daughter and a 19-year-old son.

In January 2005, Charlie did not even know what the term “transgender” meant much less imagine being “the wife of a transgender husband”10 in the near future.

However, one evening in February 2005, Abbey, the woman (pre-transition) Charlie had fallen in love with just 2 years prior, came “out” as transgender. Later that same year, Abbey began the process of transitioning from female to male (FTM). Before the actual gender transition though, Abbey asked that she be called by her male name, Blaze. Even though Blaze had already started living as a male, it was not until March 2006 that he legally changed his name and his gender marker on his birth certificate to read male instead of female. In July 2007, Charlie and Blaze were legally married.

10

The terms wife and husband are used here because these words are the ones Charlie uses to describe herself and her relationship.

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Charlie’s Experience of Blaze’s Gender Transition In reflecting back on her own experience during her partner’s transformation from Abbey to Blaze, Charlie began to elucidate the unfolding of Abbey’s (pre-transition) life changing discovery. Abbey’s identification as transgender occurred during an interview she volunteered for with a friend. According to Charlie, Abbey’s friend needed an interview for a course she was taking on gender and gender roles, and while being interviewed at a coffee shop, Abbey was asked if she considered herself to be a lesbian, queer, or transgender. Abbey responded by saying she did not identify as being lesbian or queer, and admitted not knowing what being transgender meant. It was at that moment when Abbey learned the definition of the term transgender, when her friend pulled a book out of her bag that was titled, Body Alchemy: Transsexual Portraits, by Loren Cameron.

They both talked while looking through this book that is filled with photographs taken of transgender people before and after gender reassignment surgery.

After the interview, Charlie received a telephone call from Abbey. There was a sense of urgency in Abbey’s voice in wanting to talk to Charlie immediately. Even though Charlie did not know why, she could tell that it was of utmost importance. Charlie portrayed Abbey as being so excited she could barely contain herself before bursting into her story by unearthing something that felt so fundamental to whom she is and is not.

Charlie explained that Abbey hardly got in the door before verbally exploding with the following: I’m trans! I’ve totally been trans my whole life, since I was 3 years old. No wonder! I mean, everything was just plugging into place. He didn’t wear a shirt

97 when he was little, couldn’t stand it when he started to have to wear a shirt, he was always the little boy in the sandbox, he played with trucks and he just had a very masculine character.

When reflecting back on her initial reaction to the news that Abbey was transgender, Charlie said, “What I think I thought in my head at the time was that [Abbey] was going to get his11 breasts cut off and be the same person that he always was.” To the contrary, it was not at all as simple as Charlie thought it might be. Two and a half years into the gender transition, Charlie admitted “how little [she] knew about what was going to happen and how little [Abbey] knew” as well. Neither one of them had any idea of what was in store for them over the course of the next few years.

Charlie responded to Abbey’s news by forging ahead. She was compelled to thrust herself into the role of researcher by gathering and reading as much literature as she could. She read numerous transgender publications and educated herself about the medical and legal issues related to the transgender population. Charlie clearly made a concentrated effort to prepare for Abbey’s gender transition. They both read everything they could get their hands on about transgender people and the transition. Charlie explained that once Abbey realized she was transgender, It was almost like this knowledge gave him permission to change, which was really cool, really cool. And then like it was, you know, everything you could find—literature, we were reading everything and I’m still thinking, well yeah, I want him, you know, if he wants to change his body, yeah, I want him to change his body.

Charlie described a very intricate process that transgender people are required to go through in order to get their medical care approved and paid for by insurance. Given the complexity of this process, she was completely immersed in what she described as the 11

The pronouns used in quotes reflect the ones Charlie used in the interviews

98 role of researcher and support system. The scheduling of appointments with a psychiatrist, psychotherapist, surgeon, and so on, was necessary in being able to attain letters so that Blaze could move on to the next stage of the gender transition. Charlie described this process in the following: In describing more of her experience Charlie explained that Blaze, got a letter from his surgeon that [read], I’ve performed examinations and surgery on this person and it is my professional opinion that this person was mis-gendered at birth, so then that letter was sent to his state where he was born, which every state is different on their rules about this. He just got back a brand new birth certificate, all original with the M on it instead of the F.

Loss of Community The friendships and the sense of community Charlie worked hard to establish before Abbey’s transition quickly dissolved once word got out that Abbey was planning to transition. The lack of support and understanding within her own diverse subculture, the GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender) community, was devastating for Charlie. She explained that “a lot of lesbian friends backed off.” Charlie conveyed being both surprised and hurt by the following comments made by some of her feminist lesbian friends: “because he’s a man, now he’s a traitor. Why would [Abbey] ever want to be a man? That’s what we’ve been fighting against all along!”

In an attempt to come to grips with a “total loss of community” and feeling utterly misunderstood by those upon whom she had come to depend, Charlie redirected her energy by pursuing other avenues of support. She turned to her computer where she

99 accessed chat rooms on the internet and joined an exclusive listserv that was specifically aimed at offering a place where transgender spouses could share experiences and support one another. However, Charlie was thoroughly disappointed and continued her pursuit by joining transgender organizations, attending transgender community events and national transgender conferences. Even though her attempt to reach out and not feel so alone has been invaluable, Charlie admitted that “overall, there are not a lot of people that are in long-term relationships like this that I’ve found or if there are, they’re not talking a lot.”

Over time, Charlie’s idea that transgender spouses do not talk about their experience was affirmed. Indeed, she has met other spouses going through similar experiences as the wife of a transitioning transgender husband, yet it is rare that spouses acknowledge the challenges that the transition presents for them. Charlie talked about how it is difficult to be open and honest with others when she is not responded to in kind.

She explained that often times, “I’ll share something and then there’s no reciprocation and I feel kind of like I’m just out there and I don’t like the way that feels. No one is talking about it!” In all fairness, Charlie admitted, there is one other wife of a transgender husband she can confide in with what she feels is a more mutual exchange of experiences.

In trying to understand her experience of this practice among transgender spouses, Charlie identified the dilemma in talking about the challenges they face. If she were to disclose something personal about her transitioning husband with her “friends, there would be a fine line of betrayal to [her] husband, because then he would see them [their friends], too, and then you know, some of this stuff is so incredibly vulnerable.” This

100 vulnerability that Charlie refers to is evidence that transgender spouses have a wish to protect their transitioning spouse.

According to Charlie, another reason for remaining silent is that the turmoil caused is perceived as unsupportive of the transitioning spouse. This occurs not only within the couple but also within the transgender communities at large. Charlie could not have expressed more powerfully how transgender spouses feel, including herself, when she said, They feel having their real feelings is a betrayal to their trans partner’s process, because how can I feel bad about something that’s so damn good for them! I mean, please, Blaze is the man he’s always dreamed of being.

When asked about whether she considers her husband a part of her support network, Charlie responded without hesitation by explaining that “Blaze is definitely not it, because he’s having his own entirely different experience.” When asked to expand further on not viewing Blaze as a support for her, Charlie referred to a conversation she had with his therapist. Charlie reiterated the conversation as follows: I asked her [Blaze’s therapist], is it my place to share my grief of what I’ve lost in this with him? And she said, No, it’s not. You can say, I miss blank but you cannot say, You used to be like this and now you’re like this and I don’t really know what to do about it and I don’t like it and I’m having all these feelings about it and whatever because it’s not fair to him right now, right now while he’s going through this process, to also have to balance my process because he’s thick in it.

After having this conversation with Blaze’s psychotherapist, Charlie described feeling overwhelmed with emotion by saying, her mood “kind of goes up and down for me and I haven’t figured out that cycle yet, but I was in a down cycle this last week. I know I want to be with him, but somehow I have to work through some of this other ugly stuff.”

101 Although this experience was sounding extremely grim for Charlie up to this point, she did identify her psychotherapist to be the main support for her. She is the only person with whom Charlie has felt like she could be completely “raw” without any worry that she would hurt someone’s feelings or be completely misunderstood simply by openly expressing herself.

As Charlie reflects on her experience up to this point, she focuses one vital aspect and says, “My primary support for my own sanity would be my writing.” She explained that she began writing as an outlet for not knowing what else to do the first day the transition began, meaning the first day that Abbey started T injections. In retrospect, Charlie is thankful she began writing from the beginning, because if she “went back now and wrote those experiences from memory, you would not have those experiences at all. I can’t read some of it without crying now.” Charlie’s primary support during this process has been her therapist, one good friend, who is also a transgender wife, and her writing.

Effects of Physical and Emotional Changes In November 2005, Charlie injected Blaze with his first dose of T. She explained that she gives Blaze his T shots for several reasons. Initially, he asked Charlie to do this for him because, he was “a little nervous” to give himself injections. On a more practical level, Charlie explained that giving Blaze his T shots is the “most effective, most comfortable and less painful” way, because it is easier for her than it would be for him to give himself a shot; besides she admits that she “wouldn’t want to give [her]self a shot”

102 either. Charlie added that giving Blaze his T shot every week has also been a meaningful way of keeping her “in the loop,” explaining that she felt so alienated from him once the transition began. She just wanted to maintain a sense of connectedness and what better way to do it than by involving herself in his transition. In revealing her thoughts about this Charlie says, I was so naïve. I’m just like going along with the boat, you know? I’ve got one paddle in the water and I’m helping push. So, he started the testosterone. I gave him his first shot and I have given him every shot since that day.

However, T had an unexpected affect on Blaze. Charlie explained that he “would lack sleep, be really sweaty and hot, have hot flashes because the testosterone block[s] the estrogen. [He’d be] up in the night for hours [and be] irritable.” Shortly after Charlie began injecting weekly doses of T into Blaze’s body, she realized that she had no idea of what to expect when it came to considering how many ways the T may affect both her and Blaze. Charlie felt overwhelmed with uncertainty. She was confused and admitted feeling like “it was guesswork a lot” of the time. In wondering what was going on with Blaze, Charlie asked herself the following kinds of questions, “Is he irritable from the testosterone? Is he irritable because he didn’t sleep well last night? Is he irritable because he hasn’t transitioned fast enough and wants to be done already and it’s only one month into the process?”

Following 3 months of T injections, Charlie began to notice several other changes in Blaze. For one, he was preoccupied with his own bodily changes. His “voice start[ed] cracking. He started to get a little tiny bit of peach fuzz on his face, which you know, every single hair was counted and named and then he had the surgery for his chest”

103 during this same time. Charlie experienced a heightened awareness of the effects of the changes on Blaze and felt nearly invisible at times.

Repudiation of Individual and Shared History One of the most apparent ways Charlie felt invisible was experienced through Blaze’s repudiation of his own individual and shared history with Charlie. She explained that “at first when he was transitioning, there was nothing about him that was ever female, feminine, woman, girl.” Blaze told Charlie not to “talk about it.” He went on to say that he wanted to forget his female bodied self and said, “I’m going to be a guy now and I don’t want to remember anything about what I used to be.” Blaze “ripped up every picture from his past, he burnt every picture from his childhood.”

In conjunction with all of Blaze’s disavowal of what was, Charlie would, on occasion, reflect back on times before the transition and mention them to Blaze only to have him deny them or tell her that he could not recall what Charlie was remembering about past experiences and interactions they had shared. While wanting to start his new life over, he did not notice the predicament for Charlie. After all, the person Blaze was getting rid of was the person with whom Charlie had fallen in love.

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Caregiver During Surgery In February 2006, Charlie and Blaze left home for 2 weeks to have a surgeon preeminent in this field perform a double mastectomy (more commonly referred to as top surgery) on Blaze. Charlie explained that “you’re thrown into that caregiver role immediately when someone starts transitioning and, you know, here we are going to a place I have never been before in my life, by ourselves and he’s going to be down for the count.” Charlie went on to say that “that’s when things really started changing.”

Although she knew Blaze was going to lose his breasts, she did not know that he was also going to “like 90% or more, lose all nipple sensation and all sensation in [his] chest skin.

There was grief in knowing that was coming for both of us.”

Charlie described the entire process and all the intricacies of being with Blaze during his surgery. His double mastectomy and reconstruction surgery involved intense post-operative management of drainage tubes, stitches, sutures, binding, and bandages, not to mention a “half drunk with sedation patient” on her hands. It was at this point when Charlie thought, “Okay, this is really real! We’re really in this now!” Even though Charlie adamantly expressed not wanting to be in the role of caregiver when she said, “I’m not a nurse, I don’t want to be a nurse,” she found herself doing what she could not have imagined. Charlie said, “If you would have said to me before, okay, what you’re going to need to do is, I’d be like, Uh-uh.” She talked repeatedly about how there has been no way of knowing what to expect, and even if she did, she undoubtedly loves Blaze and has always been very attached to him. Charlie expanded on her thoughts in saying

105 that “You don’t always know what parenting is going to entail either, but you just do what needs to be done because you have to.”

Being with Blaze for his surgery and recovering while away from home was not altogether a difficult experience for Charlie. On the contrary, she talked about how “it was a very bonding time” for them. To have “no distractions” was something Charlie cherished. She described this by saying, “It was just me and him there,” and “Believe it or not, I sometimes get kind of melancholy for it—just focusing on the care of him, and he was so appreciative of me.”

However, once they returned home, “The ball started rolling quicker with the whole transitioning thing.” Charlie explained that the intensity of Blaze’s physical and emotional transformation had heightened, something she did not expect to occur so suddenly. These changes will be discussed further in the Categories of Meaning section.

Unforeseen Changes in Sexual Relationship Another area that changed radically for Charlie was their sex life. Prior to the transition, Charlie “felt very much a woman.” Charlie described a major contrast between the way Abbey treated her and the way Blaze treated her during this period of time.

Abbey was romantic and tender toward her and Blaze felt like a stranger in many ways.

Charlie talked about how much change she experienced. She had no idea what was going on with Blaze but knew she missed the way she and Abbey had interacted with each other. She described her experience as being “so insidious,” with one unforeseen change occurring after another. These changes happened so rapidly that there was no time to

106 adjust, much less process and integrate any of them psychically. Charlie describes her experience in the following: What has happened that I was not anticipating was that the more he transitioned, the worse he felt about what he doesn’t have, the greater the loss of not being born physically male. I thought, the more he transitioned the better he was going to feel. But because of that, the more dis-identified he’s become with his body, and so there are limitations on our physical life together.

Charlie explained that Blaze will no longer let her touch him. Before the transition, they could not get enough of each other, but up to this point in the transition Blaze is extremely uncomfortable with his genitals. However, Charlie has found some relief to hear that she is not alone in her experience. In talking with a few other spouses, she has discovered they, too, have had similar experiences, and in fact have come up with terms to describe this phenomenon. Admittedly, not being able to touch Blaze during sex is difficult, because Charlie says that she, wants to have more intimacy with him [but] it brings up his pain when I bring that up, and so it’s like this cycle that goes on and I’m really struggling with the process of waiting for the next surgery [bottom or genital surgery], which will not happen until next year because that’s all out of pocket and it [costs] $37,000.

Even though Charlie clings to his words when Blaze says, “Well, you know it’s not always going to be this way. I definitely want to have that back with you again but not until I have what I want,” she cannot help but wonder to herself, “Well, then what will it be like?”

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Social Life at a Standstill Charlie’s social life was another aspect that changed drastically and unexpectedly.

Spending time out in public and interacting with others came to a screeching halt when she and Blaze returned home from his top surgery, because Blaze was being misgendered in public on a regular basis. Strangers were referring to him as female when he went out into the world, and because Blaze had taken all the steps needed to transition up to that point, being mis-gendered felt unbearable to him. Charlie talked about how physically unsafe Blaze felt in the world during this period. Consequently, they rarely socialized, which for Charlie felt like she was in hibernation for nearly the entire year of 2006. The shift in their social life was a miserable time for her, because if the two of them did go out to the movies for example, they would have to plan so carefully by asking themselves, “What time are we going to go? How packed with it be? Can we go late? Can we sneak in?” The time spent on the strategy of trying to go unnoticed rather than risk being mis-gendered by total strangers was painstaking.

Social Status Shift Another facet of Charlie’s experience of Blaze’s gender transition in relation to being out in the world and interacting with others has been in noticing a shift in social status. Charlie said that once Blaze passed as male in public, “he instantaneously

108 achieved male privilege, and let me tell you, it’s alive and well in our culture!” She revealed feeling excluded and left behind in ways that were unlike her experience before the transition. Charlie acknowledged that before the transition, she and Abbey “were equally discriminated against” for simply being female. She went on to say that, in being a woman, which I’ve had to deal with all of my life, being sexualized, minimalized, invalidated, not seen, abused. I mean the list goes on and on and on, right? And then he transitions and we go from like having experiences of discrimination, which none of it’s good, none of it is anything I want, but it didn’t feel good to me to still be in that same place and have him go up here [she gestures her hand with an upward motion]. It did not feel good, where he was getting nods of approval. I mean I can’t even tell you. It was like he instantaneously got the green card to the Good Old Boys clubs. He’s given carte blanche to places that I will never, ever be included.

Charlie talked at length about how differently people treated Blaze than they did Abbey, simply based on his gender change. She complained about the blatant kinds of things that people do to perpetuate “male privilege” and how this has been an extremely difficult part of the transition for her. However, Charlie does acknowledge that it has helped to have Blaze talk “very honestly and openly about how much that he knows that that is something that he attained just by transitioning and it makes him sick to see how discriminated women are.”

From Being Out to Closeted To go through the process of being out as queer only to be publicly closeted has been maddening for Charlie. She identifies herself as being queer, yet there is an automatic assumption people make in thinking she is heterosexual when she and Blaze

109 are out in public together. Of course this assumption is based on Charlie’s appearing to be female and Blaze’s appearing to be male. She explained that once again she is in a position of either openly being herself or feeling invisible and misunderstood. If she comes out as queer, she outs Blaze as being transgender and this could put him at risk of being a victim of hate crimes toward transgender people that have occurred throughout history, so she tends to hold back. However, feeling invisible remains extremely disconcerting for Charlie.

On the other hand, a major advantage for both Charlie and Blaze in his transitioning has been that they have achieved the legal and social status of a heterosexual couple, and along with this new standing, come other civil liberties. In July 2007, they were legally married. They were now accepted into society and could benefit from all the “constitutional” privileges that other heterosexual couples have. Charlie talked about how much she and Blaze have had to go through to achieve this status. She said, that, because of the status that gives you in our culture, by saying, “Oh, my husband” versus when you say “Oh, my significant other,” it’s amazing the difference that’s given back to you in that especially the husband word. “Oh, you have a husband, oh!”

Categories of Meaning Self-Reflective Capacity Impaired Let me think for a second here. [It was] very confusing to me. I don’t really know.

I don’t even remember what was going on. It’s hard to wrap your brain around. It really is. What happens is I forget. I get so just in the day or in our relationship I get so wound up in the moment that I forget.

110 Charlie seems to have lost her self-reflective capacity. Her psychic functioning becomes impaired when trying to think about her experience, and she is overwhelmed with the idea of Abbey transitioning. Therefore, in order to adapt she had to suspend her capacity to self reflect. Charlie could not only not think about her feelings about Abbey’s transition in the present but could not think about her past experience with Abbey or what her future might be like after the transition. Perhaps her loyalty to Blaze demonstrated by a need to be extremely supportive, contributes to her inability to allow herself to question or express her own thoughts and feelings. At one point, Charlie actually acknowledged not being able to talk to Blaze about her process for fear that it would feel threatening to him and his transition. She may be protecting herself against acknowledging her internal conflict in both grieving the loss of Abbey and celebrating how much more complete Blaze feels with his new gender identity.

Additionally, Charlie seems to have lost her ability to be self-reflective as a way to unconsciously preserve her relationship with Abbey. Perhaps she fears that the relationship was not resilient enough to withstand the gender transition, so rather than lose Abbey, she lost herself in a sense. By losing herself, the researcher means that Charlie could not access her own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and perspective; it was as though these capabilities were temporarily out of commission as she was propelled into a constant state of confusion. Even at present, when reflecting back to 3 years ago, Charlie reveals her difficulty in saying, I don’t think I thought ahead. Just dealing with the now was more than I could even deal with. Once we started the whole thing, it was just like one day and then another day, just boom, boom, boom, you know? The changes were so fast. I hadn’t really thought. I didn’t think too far ahead.

111 With no idea of what to expect or how to imagine how Abbey’s gender transition might affect her, Charlie knew she did not want to lose what she had with Abbey. She relished the way they interacted with each other, one female mirroring another, albeit a masculine female. She could not have imagined that Abbey, and ultimately the relationship, would be changed forever. To consider this possibility would mean to acknowledge and mourn a tremendous loss, one that seemed unbearable to her. Hence, abandoning her subjective capacity as a compromise was more tolerable.

In addition, Charlie’s abandonment of subjectivity included silencing her voice, evidenced by her compliance with Blaze (post-transition), going along with, propping up, and supporting him by denying her own ideas and emotions, which would have been seen as very separate from his. The following example demonstrates how readily committed she has been to Blaze, without giving herself a second thought: When he told me, it didn’t really faze me. I was like, “Well yeah. Whatever you need, I’m totally good with that.” It really wasn’t that big of a deal as far as my emotional affectedness. It didn’t really—I was like, yeah, cool. Let’s do it! I just want you to be happy.

When Charlie says, “It really wasn’t that big of a deal,” she implies that transitioning from one gender to another is as common as putting on socks or brushing one’s teeth every morning. Denying that the transition will affect her emotionally speaks to Charlie’s unconscious defense against the overwhelming anxiety she feels about losing Abbey. However, the alternative could lead to an enormous amount of internal conflict that may be contrary to supporting Abbey’s transition. Therefore, the stakes may be too high for Charlie; she is not willing to risk such a significant loss. Had Charlie allowed

112 herself to think too deeply about what the transition might mean to her, she may have had to acknowledge her anxiety and depression related to the thought of losing Abbey.

Another aspect of understanding the meaning of Charlie’s experience as the “spouse” of a transgender “husband,” is in noticing how she implies that she is not in charge of her actions. It is as though an outside force is jostling her about in an attempt to push her through the transition with Blaze without her saying what is on her mind. She says, “The thing is, Lisa, you get thrown into it and you don’t really get to think about anything about what’s happening right now.” Hence, it is plausible to consider that Charlie may have had a fantasy whereby Blaze was leading the way into the unknown, carrying her with him, against her will. It may be much easier for her to think of Blaze as the reason for her silence, rather than Charlie’s taking responsibility. Being submissive and convinced that she cannot express herself is also apparent in the following, It’s really hard to be able to say the things you’re feeling to your spouse because it’s not a good match for where you both are in the process. I now have to be quiet about my pain, because that’s not good for me to share it. I just can’t say.

There are numerous ways Charlie reveals that she has stopped thinking and speaking for herself, resulting in her world changing drastically since the transition.

Blaze’s world has become her world, and this reflects a certain kind of dissolving of her own voice. Charlie is inside the transgender world now, a world of which she is a member, where she abides by implicit rules to conform to a common perspective. She implies that the transgender community’s point of view requires not being too inquisitive, but simply accepting the role as supporter instead. She is now a member of a sort of transgender club, so to speak, a club in which she gains a new role but perhaps loses herself.

113 The idea of getting lost permeates Charlie’s life in so many ways. She has also lost her sexual identity as a result of Blaze’s transition. Charlie has gone from being with a woman and identifying herself as “queer” to being perceived as a heterosexual woman in public with Blaze. She explains this saying, I’m so tired of being “inned,” the opposite of being “outed.” I’m pushed back in the closet, the proverbial closet, so to speak, because either (a) coming out as queer inadvertently outs [Blaze] or (b) we’re just read as a straight couple, which pushes me back in and I’m tired of it. Now I feel like I’m closeted again. I am closeted again. It’s not that I want to be like, “Oh I’m here, I’m queer, get used to it.” It’s just that I want to be able to choose the environments that I want to hang out in socially and not feel like, “What the hell are you doing here?” And [Blaze] doesn’t understand that.

Whether to speak out or not puts Charlie in a bit of a conundrum. On one hand, she protects Blaze if she remains quiet and assumes the closeted position, but on the other hand she wants to proudly present her queer identity and feel a sense of camaraderie when in the midst of the GLBT community. Charlie explains that when she came out as queer, “and really feeling like I knew myself for the first time at 38 and then having that retracted has been really, really hard. I don’t really know what to do at this moment.”

Once again, Charlie implies that it is mandatory for her to be quiet about her experience of the transition. It is understandable that she felt alone in her experience of Blaze’s transition. She explains that it “was pretty devastating for me to realize there’s another place of isolation where I can’t really share this with him. And sometimes I hate him for that. I really, really hate him for that.” Charlie seems to think she only has two options: express her anger, frustration, and sadness, jeopardizing her relationship, or think of Blaze as being the powerful one who dictates rules she needs to comply with.

114 Object Loss Charlie has experienced Blaze’s gender transition as a devastating loss. Her naïveté in imagining that Abbey would essentially not change as a person as a result of the transition was apparent when she said, “I thought that he was going to cut his boobs off and be the same.” However, Abbey did change; she began to fade away slowly, with Blaze taking her place. Life became much more complicated than what Charlie had imagined or wished for. She acknowledged enduring the subtle and painful death of her love object, Abbey: It’s like little tiny insidious losses that you don’t notice until all of a sudden you have 50 of them and one day you wake up and the weight of the world is on you because you no longer recognize the person you’re with anymore.

Her entire relationship changed, so much so that Charlie recalled thinking, “Wait a minute, who is this guy now?” Charlie did not want to lose Abbey. She held out for as long as she could by maintaining the same psychic representation of Abbey that she had always had. No matter how much Charlie could see that Abbey was gradually moving to the background while Blaze moved to the forefront, she could not easily integrate her experience. She needed time to make the psychic shift necessary to match her external experience with Blaze, her new love object, with her internal representation of Abbey.

The internal struggle of altering her psyche to match her actual experience with Blaze was evident when she said, “The changes are very insidious, because if they weren’t, I don’t think any of us would stay. I really don’t.” Making that shift would mean saying goodbye to Abbey and acknowledging and mourning her loss, an almost unbearable situation for Charlie.

115 There was a point, however, where Charlie became more conscious of the reality of losing Abbey. She explains that it was “probably a year into [the transition] that I was like realizing that a lot of the changes that were happening were not temporary.” Charlie went on that there was this “pivotal day when I realized in something he said, ‘Oh my God, [Abbey] isn’t coming back.’ Like I thought maybe things were just on recess for a while.”

The most radical change Charlie was faced with once Blaze began to transition, was their relationship dynamics, whether concerning issues of personality, level of maturity, mood, sex life, or the enormous amount of emphasis Blaze placed on their gender differences. Charlie has revealed that, “He was changing. His whole personality was changing before my eyes.” She went on to explain that injecting T into his body transformed not only Blaze’s gender but his entire way of being and interacting with her.

She talked about an extreme shift in maturity levels, “He went from being a 40-year-old mature trans-man/person, pre-transition, to seriously I’m not exaggerating, being like a 17-year-old on the testosterone.”

One of the most obvious ways these changes in Blaze manifested themselves in their relationship was in their sex life. Prior to the transition, Charlie explained that she “felt very much a woman and [Abbey] approached me in a way that just made me feel ever more feminine and womanly.” However, there was a major contrast between the way Abbey treated Charlie and the way Blaze treated her. Charlie described Abbey as romantic and tender toward her, unlike Blaze, who felt like a stranger in many ways.

Abbey,

116 went from calling me up and saying things like, “What are you wearing?” to [Blaze, who said] nothing, ever; like no sexual comment, and then I’d take off my shirt and he’d be like, “BOOBIES!” I mean, it was horrible. And I’ve talked to other trans-partners, same damn thing.

Charlie went on to try to articulate her experience by saying that, There’s a regression that happens at first because for one, their bodies are totally whacking on all these hormones and then for two, he’s never experienced puberty or young adulthood through his maleness he was regressing back to 17-year-old behavior and I’m so not there with him he wanted to hang out with my son all the time. They were like two peas in a pod, 18 and 17. My son was more mature than [Blaze] was on some occasions. I just didn’t like it. And they were always, you know, it’s all burping and farting you know, just teenager boy stuff.

Charlie is constantly reminded of how much she misses Abbey, the sexual freedom they had, and the adult relationship as two women in love. Charlie cautiously reveals that, since Blaze’s transition, “There are very large limitations on our physical life together, our sex changed so much. I don’t remember the last time I saw him naked.”

Before the transition, they reveled in their sexual life, but, up to this point in the transition, Blaze’s discomfort with his genitals has made him not want to be touched.

Albeit frustrating, confusing, and hurtful, Charlie does not feel so alone, knowing that other trans-spouses have similar experiences. In fact, some of these other spouses have come up with terms to describe this phenomenon. Expressions such as, “no man’s land” and “no fly zones” are used to describe the transgender person’s discomfort with their own genitalia. However, the humorous quality of these phrases is not to minimize the sadness and loss of Charlie’s sexual life as she knew it with Abbey. She says, “I miss it. I miss it horribly. And that’s hard. It’s really lonely. It’s hard for me, sad, a great loss for me.” Charlie admits that had she known that she was going to lose Abbey, she “probably would have run the other way, knowing how much he would change.”

117 There’s loss of validation. There’s loss of that relationship, pretty rough moments, because I know that I need to get with who he is now if that’s who I’m going to be with. He is not the person that he was before. There’s a lot about him that’s still really great and the same, but there’s a lot about it that’s really different that I’m still super confused about.

Charlie also misses the quality of similarity, of being two females. There was an intimacy, a closeness that she experienced with Abbey that does not exist in the same way with Blaze. Charlie not only experiences a separateness and distance between the two of them in the privacy of their own home but also complains about being treated differently in public in numerous ways since Blaze’s gender transition. Blaze began placing a lot of emphasis on the difference between the two of them once he began identifying as male. She explains that “all of a sudden there’s like this really clear line of division between me and him.” She says, The way he hears my words are different and like we’re not clicking right now.

We’re just not clicking, he’s like, “Women words, don’t know what you’re saying!” “You’re so different than me! You and I are just so different in the way we communicate!” Like that’s really important for him, for me to know, separateness, right? It’s just a woman thing.

Although Charlie does not like this new gender boundary with Blaze, she implies having some understanding of it when she says it is “a man-thing to do, right?” Charlie says this in a way that sounds like she is trying to convince herself that she understands Blaze’s need to settle into his “maleness,” as though not understanding or being able to make sense of the need for him to emphasize the differences between them based on gender would somehow threaten his gender identity. There is so much emphasis placed on looking, talking, and acting like a man, or at least Blaze’s version of being a man, that Charlie cannot help but feel uncomfortable and put off with the distance that Blaze has created between them.

118 Particularly when out in public with Blaze, Charlie misses Abbey. She describes a few of her more recent experiences, explaining that, it didn’t feel good to me to still be in that same place and have him go up here [she gestures her hand with an upward motion]. It did not feel good, where he was getting nods of approval. I mean I can’t even tell you. It was like he instantaneously got the green card to the Good Old Boys clubs. He’s given carte blanche to places that I will never, ever be included.

Charlie cannot help but notice the distance that continues to build because of Blaze’s transition, and admits to, “feel[ing] a little pushed to the side sometimes.” She feels excluded when Blaze spends time with his best friend, who is also a trans-man, and when he spends time with her son. Charlie explains that Blaze and his trans-man friend, “just want to be alone all the time” and she does not like feeling rejected by Blaze. For example, when Charlie, Blaze, and Charlie’s adult son were shopping in a store, Blaze and Charlie’s son went in one direction and Charlie in the other. At one point, Charlie hears them laughing and talking down one aisle, and, as she enters the aisle, she asks, “What are you guys looking at?” Their response is, “Oh, nothing, nothing,” and then they quickly tuck the card they are both looking at back on the shelf. Charlie complains that “in the past, that would have been something that [Abbey] would have showed me.”

The loss of Abbey could not have been described more poignantly than when Charlie said, The changes are so insidious because if they weren’t, I don’t think any of us would stay. I really don’t. Like if you would have pulled her out. Plopped him down in her place, I don’t know. I was fine with what it was before. I miss [Abbey] desperately. I wish she could come over for a while and we could spend the weekend. It’s a lot of grief. And I miss her. I really miss her. I miss her affection towards me and her mannerisms. I miss her a lot, I really do. And I’m never going to see her again.

119 Challenging personal and social assumptions Charlie’s ability to be able to challenge personal and social assumptions about gender has taken some time, particularly given that she described her psychological state of mind as somewhat of a whirlwind since Blaze’s transition. Her thoughts and emotions felt like bits and pieces of incongruent and disorganized matter, flying around in her head without a place to settle. However, she is working toward “putting together the pieces everyday,” implying that her thoughts and emotions used to be either clearer to her or not compelling enough to cause her to wonder more deeply about them. It is as though once Blaze began his transition, nearly every idea and belief that belonged to Charlie has been called into question. Her mind became filled with new, uncertain ideas, and she was dismayed at how skeptical she was becoming, seeing the world increasingly through a vastly different lens.

Charlie’s challenging numerous givens in her belief systems has been nearly 3 years in the making. She needed time before she could admit to feeling angry and needing to take a closer look at herself. Charlie reveals, “I didn’t get angry about it until October of last year. I’ve had more time to really be honest with myself about where I’m at with it.” Once she allowed her anger to surface, Charlie could no longer remain in what seemed comparable to a state of psychological paralysis. She felt compelled to take action, manifested in the form of challenging many of the social and cultural constructs that were becoming more and more prevalent to her as the spouse of a transgender husband. Charlie explains that “there are so many social constructs that I’ve come up

120 against in this process that I’ve just really like, what? You know? [I am] just reexamining the way our culture has evolved to believe what it believes now.”

Charlie has not only been questioning many social constructs but has also begun to question her own personal ideas, beliefs, and experiences as well. Her emotional upheaval and fluctuation of internal experiences have become more relevant since Blaze’s transition. Her difficulties with acceptance may actually come more from being frustrated with herself. She acknowledges that “There are just places where some of us just don’t know where to go with it,” referring to herself and other trans-spouses with whom she has spoken. Charlie is struggling to find a balance between being supportive of Blaze while being honest about her own thoughts and feelings about being the spouse of a transgender husband. One minute she asks herself, “What the hell am I doing?” and the next, she thinks, “But today I feel good about it.” She has to make sense of her experience in order to stay coupled with Blaze, even if it seems nearly impossible to make sense of the experience. Another example of her dilemma is revealed when she says, Who am I to step in now and say, “Well fuck this process. It’s not working for me”? I feel like it’s a good thing for him and I love him, so it’s confusing to me.

What am I supposed to do?

Charlie describes feeling as if she either ignores her subjectivity to be supportive of Blaze or acknowledges how strongly she feels about the emphasis placed on gender both personally and by society at large. As she has increasingly felt compelled to pursue and unearth answers to her own questions regarding gender and its role in her world, her state of confusion and uncertainty has begun to diminish.

121 However, this psychological shift was not an easy one for Charlie. It has been much easier for her to challenge social and cultural constructs than it has been to challenge, integrate, and reconcile her own thoughts and feelings about her own unique experience. Consequently, her pursuit in challenging these ideas has been that of manifesting an unconscious desire to look more closely at her personal beliefs since Blaze’s transition. For example, as Charlie talks about living in a “gender-biased society” with the constraints of a “binary system,” she challenges “the word ‘gender’” and believes that the “categorization of gender is just a façade of something we’ve created in our culture.” She goes on to say that “every culture’s different [in] how they treat gender.”

Like in the Native American cultures [for example]. Transgender people are very often shamans, and in a lot of cultures, being transgender or being twin-spirited is a very reverent place to be. Those people are put at the top of their culture. What would that be like for Blaze? Do you think that, yeah, why would there be that need to transition if there wasn’t that incredible weight placed on this is what a man looks like, this is what a woman looks like.

The process of comparing different cultures and challenging traditional beliefs leads Charlie back to questions that pertain more intimately to her own personal ideas about gender. She reveals her attempt to understand Blaze’s need to transition by wondering if his transition would be necessary if there was not so much emphasis placed on the categories of masculinity and femininity.

How many butch dykes do we know that really [show their] gender expression as just being a very masculine female? But I wonder if it’s not even further than that, if they really don’t identify with any feminine-ness or feminine qualities. What if, I mean it’s so screwed up, if you think of the evolution of all the animal and plant life. We’re so wrapped up in this whole binary system. I don’t know how it would ever unravel.

122 Charlie conveys the state of being overwhelmed with trying to sort out all her ideas and questions about gender. She tries desperately to return to a sense of psychic stability, where her experience makes more sense to her, where she feels more hopeful about achieving a sense of cognitive consistency and can organize and settle into her own thoughts. Charlie is determined to continue her pursuit to understanding, in order to find her own resting place for each idea, like the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

Charlie feels strongly about searching for answers to questions concerning the societal definitions of gender. She talks about what it means to be male or female in our culture in comparison to other cultures, saying, “In our culture, if someone has hair on their face, they’re [considered to be] a man, [yet] how many women do you know that struggle with that?” She openly expresses her frustration with the “whole binary system” and conveys a sense of hopelessness when it comes to the rate at which society makes the necessary changes required to catch up with what is actually taking place in the lives of individuals in various communities. Charlie is also talking about herself and how she does not feel represented in her world, validated, heard, and acknowledged that she, as the wife of a trans man truly exists. For the first few years of Blaze’s transition, Charlie felt that she was just barely existing; simply trying to cope with all the changes without knowing how. Now that she has come alive, so to speak, she wants others to acknowledge her existence.

As the spouse of a transgender husband, Charlie could not help but take a closer look at her own gender biases. The less she focused on her environment and the more she

123 looked inwardly, Charlie discovered how much she was participating in the very gender stereotyping she complained about. Reflecting back on raising her children, she says, If I could go back and do it again, there would be no gender stereotypes for my children, like the whole pink and blue and girls do this and boys do that stereotypes. What is expected or not expected of you because you’re a boy.

Charlie goes on to reveal her irritation with gender stereotypes by saying, sarcastically, “Oh, [boys] get to do that but the girls can’t do that, because the girls would never get away with that if they punched each other. Oh boys will be boys.” Without even thinking about it, Charlie admits to automatically buying into gender stereotypes.

She explains, Even though we, as women, we have really come a long way, when you look at it, there are some things that are just as bad as the dark ages. I don’t want to only see people for their gender but on some level I have to because I’m a woman [and] physically that puts me in a place of compromise with certain other people on our earth and I have to think like that. You know? [For example,] I was running this morning and there was this guy, who kind of kept his pace like maybe 20 feet behind me and I wasn’t comfortable with it. I was running around the lake and there were, you know, a handful of people scattered around walking, so I sat down on a bench and waited for him to get a quarter of the way around the lake until I got up and started again. That’s me, discriminating against him, his gender.

If it was a woman running 20 feet behind me, I wouldn’t think twice about it.

As Charlie acknowledges the different response she would have to a male running behind her rather than a female, she reveals something significant about her experience as the wife of a transgender husband, a new awareness of the social and cultural experience regarding gender expectations in our society, a subject she had not given much thought to before Blaze’s transition. In reflecting back on her personal gender roles, she recalls with her ex-husband, who “was a much more feminine man, I became very much more my masculine self and I cannot believe how much more masculine I was and how feminine I am in this relationship.” Charlie’s heightened awareness of her interpersonal experience

124 and interactions with others has been a realization that has proven to be more maddening to her than gratifying. She admits that “I’ve learned so much about who I am because of what [Blaze] challenges in me,” despite the difficulties she has had to undergo.

As Charlie continues to grapple with her personal thoughts and feelings about gender, what it means to her and how she is responded to by others as the spouse of a transgender husband, she strives to feel more confident and settled in her mind and within the greater community she shares.

Reclaiming Her Voice Charlie has reclaimed herself by speaking out about the experience that has radicalized and politicized her. She has discovered her own truth and now talks to audiences all over the country about what it is like to be the “wife” of a transgender “husband.” She has taken her story to the media, admitting that “even though it’s hard and it’s painful and maybe [Blaze] doesn’t want to always hear it, I do still get to have my voice.” Charlie is tired of living in the shadows of Blaze’s experience, being quiet and feeling confused, sad, and misunderstood. She “hope[s] someday [Blaze] realizes just how much of an experience that I’ve gone through. Everyone acknowledges his experience all the time. Not as much, mine. Welcome to my world!” This is precisely the message Charlie wants to convey. As she feels stronger and clearer about her own experience and what it means to her, she is determined to tell others. Her crusade, of sorts, consists of volunteering to facilitate workshops, actively participating in numerous

125 transgender conferences, speaking on several radio broadcasting networks and writers’ guilds, and also of having recently published her memoir.

There are several ways to understand Charlie’s conviction in telling others about her experience of being the spouse of a FTM husband, that it is, like a tapestry of experience, like a roller coaster ride. [It has] been really hard, very difficult to deal with.. I don’t know what’s going to happen next. It’s a very confusing place to be sometimes. It really is. I don’t know anything about what’s going to happen to him or when it’s going to end. I did tell you that I don’t know who I’ll be married to when it’s all done.

She has been compelled to take this proactive stance in response to the loneliness, confusion, sadness, and anger she has felt for several years now, with no direction from anyone. Charlie was not told what to expect once Abbey started transitioning. She did not know what changes would take place or how she might be affected by them, much less that her entire relationship would be drastically altered. Charlie admits that, “Everything has changed for us!” Therefore, she wants to contribute to others’ getting what she did not get, accurate information that reflects the psychological, emotional, biological, and anatomical changes likely to take place over the first several years of a gender transition.

“I’m charting my own course, because nobody is telling me how it’s going to go.”

Charlie admits being “totally unprepared,” and feels strongly about doing whatever she can to assure others have a more realistic expectation of what will take place throughout this experience.

More central to providing a realistic picture to others of Charlie’s experience is being realistic with herself. She has not always stood up for what she knows is true for her. A few years after Blaze began transitioning, Charlie admits that “It was like all of a

126 sudden I was like, ‘Okay, this is really real. We’re really in this now,’” implying that she was living in fantasy as opposed to reality.

Charlie also expressed difficulty in being honest with herself when she talked about her marriage. Although she was referring to her first marriage when she said, “I always knew that I wasn’t, underneath, being really true to myself,” there seems to be a parallel in her second marriage with Blaze as well. Charlie’s silence and impaired subjectivity, particularly at the beginning of Blaze’s transition, could also be considered another way of deceiving herself. Charlie reveals reaching a point during Blaze’s transition where she could no longer remain quiet about her experience, which is apparent in the following: “Probably within the end of the first year, beginning of the second year where I was like, ‘Okay, I’m not happy. Stuff is going on and we’re not acknowledging it.’”

Uneasiness about being “closeted” has been another motivation for Charlie to reclaim her voice. She does not want to be viewed as simply another heterosexual woman in a heterosexual relationship. Charlie has worked too hard at coming to terms with her identity for her to be perceived as typical in this situation, recognizing that her experience as an FTM spouse is anything but typical. She implies that while most spouses blend into society, going unnoticed or closeted, she is not interested in taking this path herself.

Charlie conveys feeling empowered to speak out not only because “there are not a lot of people that are in long-term relationships like this” but because those who are “[are] not talking a lot.”

127 Charlie’s speaking out about her experience enlivens and stimulates her, and her exhilaration attained from interacting with others keeps at bay any guilt she may feel about being so honest. Her internal conflict is apparent even though she desperately wants to tell her story and surfaces when she openly expresses her angry feelings about Blaze’s transition. She gives an example of this, “People like me need a place to be like, ‘Fuck him!’ and not feel bad about it—it needs to get out.” Charlie implies that she is doing something wrong when she reveals being angry about Blaze’s transition but also acknowledges the benefits of verbalizing her experience in the following, “I think just being able to talk about, there’s so much. It’s good. It’s really good.” She is determined, though, to persevere in expressing her feelings, even in the face of feeling “bad” about being so open.

Speaking out has been an avenue for Charlie to process her emotionally-charged experience. With each opportunity to present her story, she has found herself more capable of accepting, reconciling, and integrating her new narrative. Journaling from the first day of Blaze’s T injections has contributed to Charlie’s reclaiming her voice as well; however, talking to others has helped her hear, out loud, what she could not hear in her writing. She began to realize that there was value in her experience, and that it was not something to be dismissed and minimized. In fact, Charlie reveals that her experience of Blaze’s gender transition is the glue that keeps them together. She explains, If I’m really honest, what keeps us together is what we’ve been through [while there is] love [and] passion, what we’ve been through is like the third thing.. So I wouldn’t want to give that up because the common experiences that we’ve gone through have brought us both to who we are right now and that’s really cool to share that together. I’m still extremely attracted to him. I’m still in love with whatever that essence is of him and I want him to be whole in himself. There will

128 come a day when this won’t be our story forever. It will always be our story but it won’t be so prevalent and even though we’ve sat and talked about this for 5 hours, in my everyday life, it’s not that big of a deal most of the time. Sometimes I have to stop now and be like, “Oh that’s right, he’s trans.” You live your life day to day and you don’t think about it, you get in your car, pay for parking, you eat dinner together and sometimes you fight like hell.

Subject 4: The Case of Sam Identifying Information Sam is a 42-year-old Caucasian woman, shorter than average and overweight. She wears glasses and has streaks of grey that highlight her dark, almost black hair. She presents as detached and elusive, and when asked to describe herself, she said, “No, I don’t want to—I’m defiant.” Sam identifies as a “dyke lesbian,”12 and has been coupled with her partner13 for 13 years. She has no children, but she explains that this is not for lack of trying; she tried to get pregnant for a number of years and had a few miscarriages.

In 1995, Sam recalls that Rory, her female (pre-transition) partner, who had only been living with her for 2 days, said “he wanted to be a guy”; but because Rory had never been with another woman before, Sam attributed this comment to some anxiety about the relationship and “thought [because] it was the first time being in a lesbian relationship, he’d get over it and totally thought that’s what had happened.” However, in 2004, the topic of transgender surfaced again and by 2005 Rory has begun testosterone (T)

12

Dyke lesbian is the term that Sam uses to describe herself. She explains that her definition of dyke is “a powerful woman who knows her own mind that happens in our culture to also be lesbian.” Sam notes that she does not identify as being either feminine or butch on the gender continuum of femininity and masculinity.

13

The term partner is used here because this is the one that Sam uses to describer herself and her significant other.

129 treatment. It was not until 2007 when Rory had top surgery. The 2-year delay between T and top surgery was a result of Rory’s limited financial resources, and he was in litigation with his insurance company for denying coverage for the cost of surgery. Because Rory had already undergone a legal name change before getting together with Sam, this was not a part of his transition. Although Sam failed to mention when Rory had his gender marker changed from female to male, this occurrence is presumed to have already taken place. They have not been legally married.

Sam’s Experience of Rory’s Gender Transition When reflecting back on the day that a decision to undergo a gender transition was made, Sam recalls a summer afternoon in 2004 when she and Rory were watching an “Oprah” episode about transgender children. As they listened to the stories about these children, Sam revealed that when she heard about “this little boy born in a girl’s body, it was like, ‘Oh my God, sounds like you [Rory]!’” As they continued to listen, Sam made several references to the similarities between what she was hearing and her experience with Rory. At one point during the television program when the idea of a gender transition was discussed, Sam turned to Rory and asked, “Do you want to do that?” Rory replied, “Yes,” and from that moment on they began to pursue a transformational journey that has changed their lives.

130 Into Action as Advocate As soon as the decision to undergo a gender transition was made, Sam moved into action as Rory’s advocate. Although she admits to having “no idea” what all was involved in transitioning she said “Okay, and I’ll figure out what we need to do,” explaining that this has been “one of my roles in our relationship, is the researcher figureouter.” She got on the Internet and “researched like crazy” in an attempt to educate herself, and immediately discovered a Web site for the significant others of female-tomale (FTMSO) transgender people. She began corresponding with other significant others on this site and was directed to other Web sites for reading materials. Sam read everything she could find and recalls finding “a really great article about the lesbian partner’s experience,” explaining that it “is the only article I’ve ever seen about it and it was super helpful to me.”

Sam also contacted the transgender community and found this connection to be an invaluable resource. She and Rory attended meetings and social events within this community, in addition to obtaining referrals for medical care. They heard other transgender people’s stories and were provided information that helped them navigate their way through the medical system. For instance, Rory received the name of a doctor who works with the transgender population and was able to begin T injections within a few months of deciding to transition.

Sam also discovered a protocol to follow for those undergoing a gender transition, based on the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care. While admitting that she was learning as

131 she went along, Sam did not hesitate to support and guide Rory through his entire process. She explains her sense of self-assuredness in the following: It’s like I had that total, I get this you know body shake of truth thing and it’s like, “Okay, that’s what we’re doing.” And I knew it was 100% the right thing to do and that I was completely on board like as of that moment and that I was going to have to deal with whatever that meant. [chuckles] It did not take long for Sam to realize how essential it would be for her to guide Rory through the gender transition process in working with the medical profession. They have both become extremely frustrated with the seeming lack of education in the medical arena in providing care for the transgender population. Sam expounds on this by saying, I was going with him to appointments, because they were just more difficulty.

Because he’s always having to explain, as he started to look more masculine, it was like, “so my insurance is female but this is me,” and they’d look to me and think that I was the person coming in because obviously I looked more female. Or when they were taking insurance information, they’d be treating him like “What an idiot trying to get away with using someone else’s insurance. You should have at least gotten a guy’s insurance card.” [chuckles] I mean that kind of thing.

Trepidation The first year of Rory’s transition was the most difficult for Sam. In the time between joining Rory for his first doctor’s appointment and visiting her family, she “started to freak out,” explaining that “it’s like, I get the feeling [that] this is right, put the blinders on, go for it, and then when I have a chance, ‘Oh, here’s my feelings about it.’

You know?” Up to that point, Sam had not given much thought to how Rory’s transition might affect her and their relationship. The more she thought about it, the more anxious she became. Sam revealed some of her thinking during this time by saying, “My biggest

132 fear was that there might be something on like a biochemical level that’s totally beyond our control that would get completely fucked up.” Sam explains further, Well, what I imagined that scared me was go to bed tonight with a woman wake up tomorrow with a man. And in my imagination, what was scary to me around that was, like, “Is that still [Rory]?” Like, when a person changes their gender, what does that mean? What else do they change? How as a person is that going to affect him? And obviously, heart and soul, there he is. You know? And I was clear on that in like this theoretical way, but it was very like, just unknown what it would be like, you know?

Sam and Rory were not at all prepared for what they were about to encounter.

Sam admits wishing they would have had someone to reassure and walk them step by step through the transition process, saying, “Here’s what you can expect and here’s what your partner can expect when you’re on T.” However, not only was this not their experience, but Rory’s doctor told them that he did not know how much of an effect the T would have on Rory because of his age (mid-40s). Sam expounds upon the interaction with Rory’s doctor during the first appointment as follows: You know, when [Rory] went in, it’s like, “Okay, well you’re a guinea pig. I’ve never done this with someone your age, there’s no documents, there’s no research on someone your age, you know going through the transition. That’s what Dr. [Horton] was saying, yeah. “I’ll totally do it with you. We need to have really low expectations.” [If] he gets one whisker, “That is so great. That’s probably all you can expect.” And, because of his age, [Dr. Horton] had no idea how those hormones would affect someone at his age to do the transition.

On the contrary, there have been an increasing number of studies conducted on the effects of T on the transgender population (Gooren, Giltay, & Bunck, 2008; Jacobeit, Gooren, & Schulte, 2009; Meriggiola et al., 2008; Mueller & Gooren, 2008; Turner et al., 2004). However, the results have not been very reassuring. For example, Mueller and Gooren, studied the effects of “cross-sex’ hormones with both the FTM and MTF transgender population and discovered that the probability of hormone-related tumors in

133 the transgender population increases with usage over time and with age. Therefore, the dearth of studies extending out to at least a decade or more is an important consideration, particularly, given that the longitudinal studies conducted on the effects of T treatment on FTM and MTF do not go beyond a 36-month period (Gooren et al., 2008). It is no wonder that Sam feels anxious about Rory’s beginning T treatment.

Furthermore, Sam’s anxiety pertaining to how T might impact her relationship with Rory concerned her feelings about being emotionally and sexually intimate with a man. Sam seemed to scare herself by imagining some of the possibilities in the following excerpt: Neither of us have any way to have any impact on it, and it would just ruin something, it would ruin whatever, our attraction, our relationship, somehow, like at some level. that we would just have no control over and no intent you know of our own. You know, and I went through, at very first, too, that feeling of like “Oh my God, I’m going to wake up with a man in my bed and I am such a lesbian and oh my God, I don’t want to live with a man. Never have wanted to, don’t want to, didn’t have any interest in that whatsoever.

Consequently, Sam’s fear put Rory on the defense, and the more questions she had about his transition, the more upset he became. As her curiosity grew, his sense of security in feeling supported and understood by Sam lessened. However, Sam explained that even though she had questions, she was still “right there, on board and [yet] terrified” at the same time. Rory felt abandoned by her, nevertheless, and these feelings created tension between the two of them during the first year of his transition. She strongly emphasized how difficult this was for her by repeating the idea that “this part was hard for me. Yeah, it was hard.” Therefore, it did not take long before she stopped going to Rory with questions she had and talked with her therapist and family instead.

134 Physical Transformation In November 2004, Sam denied Rory’s request to begin giving him his weekly regimen of T injections. She was certain that giving Rory his shots was not something she wanted to participate in. She provided a glimpse into her thinking about this in the following: I mean, I know other people who do that but there’s no way that I wanted to be tied to that. I did not want to have to think about that every single week, and I did not want to be tied to that, so that was an easy one for me to refuse but I know some people choose to do that. Yeah. I don’t want to have any responsibility for that. And I don’t want to be knowing what days we do it and I don’t want to give him a shot. I mean, they’re deep and way into the leg, and he can’t get the testosterone in the blood. You know, it’ll kill ya. So, I mean, you gotta be careful and I don’t want the responsibility, and he was very sure he could do it himself.

Yeah, in the thighs and I don’t even watch them. I don’t even like to know they’re happening. [chuckles] I’m glad to have nothing to do with that. And they’re painful. I mean, he does fine with them but I don’t want to know about it. Blah!

After 4 to 5 months of Rory’s T injections, Sam started to notice several physical changes in him, particularly the changes in Rory’s physical appearance, which happened relatively more gradual than the abrupt and intense emotional shifts she had experienced.

However, in retrospect, Sam felt like everything about Rory was different. She describes her experience of this by saying, Everything has changed. You know his bone structure changes. I mean everything has changed. The shape of his face has changed. He now has a full beard and mustache, which has come in, you know, over 2 years, and it’s still gonna probably fill in a little more, but it’s full and he’s wearing it full right now. And his skin texture changed. He had this baby soft smooth skin and now you can see his pores have gotten larger and ruddier cheeks and bushier eyebrows and his hairline receded some and even around his eyes, it’s like the skin texture and like the shape has changed. I think just because his eyebrows changed and it looks like the bone structure changed. See, I don’t know if that’s possible but it very much looks like that. So, his face is squarer and broader and just profoundly different.

And it’s been changing over time but the eyes is the most recent one, it’s like the last thing to go or something.

135 Adolescent Upheaval According to Sam, living with a partner undergoing a gender transition is similar to living with the emotional turmoil at the developmental stage of adolescence. She described her experience in more detail: He went into this adolescent upheaval for sure. It looks like my nephews at age 12, 14, you know, [chuckles] 16 now. It just is more emotionally volatile. This just looked very teenagery, just very sort of without a lot of ability to like selfregulate [chuckles]. You know? So fly off the handle, that kind of thing.

Sam not only equated Rory’s mood swing with the hormonal changes of adolescence, but also the shift in libido as well. She talked about how it was not long after beginning T that Rory seemed to be uncontrollably distracted by a heightened interest in sexual pleasure. Sam reveals her discomfort by saying that Rory was, masturbating all the time [chuckles] and just like yuck. [His libido] went up but didn’t have anything much to do with me which I was like, “If it’s going to up, it should benefit me too.” [chuckles] You know, he was masturbating a ton, which was like not thrilling to me. I mean, whatever, but, you know, it’s like he was doing his own thing. Yeah. And he was [pause] aware of this but he couldn’t control it. He was staring at women’s breasts and he was wearing sunglasses and hats because he was so [embarrassed] he would find himself staring at [women’s] breasts. You know?

As Sam clearly states, she did not welcome these changes in Rory, as they were of no benefit to her. Rather than having Rory’s increased libido bring them together as a couple, Sam felt more excluded, and, at this time, led Sam to feel like much more of a spectator than an active participant in his transition.

136 Losses and Gains with Family According to Sam, she and Rory experienced both losses and gains in their families during the gender transition. She describes an email correspondence between herself and Rory’s sister, which turned into a huge misunderstanding that escalated to the point where it could not be resolved. Sam provides some explanation about what took place in the following excerpt: We didn’t have any money to go towards [top surgery] and so one of his sisters . . . asked me in a casual e-mail what we were thinking of doing or whatever. And I said, “We plan on raising money. We need $10,000, I mean if I can find 10 people with $1,000 or whatever, that’s what we’re planning on doing.” [And] it just like blew up in this very convoluted way within that whole family system. They were our, they did our wedding, I mean, they were family. They were, we saw them very, very often. So, they were upset because, well this is obviously multilayered convoluted stuff, but the initial thing was sort of this assumption that we were expecting them to pay for the surgery, which was not true [chuckles]. So it [pff] blew up and it blew up really painfully for [Rory] with [his sister] in particular . . . who’s the primary connection to that family. It ended the whole entire relationship with that family. There was a huge lack of understanding. It was a profound loss.

Sam’s family, on the other hand, provided a very different experience. They were open and responsive, and Sam conveys feeling a sense of pride as she talks about how “very supportive” they have been throughout Rory’s entire transition. In fact, one of the ways that Sam’s mother showed her support was by paying for the cost of Rory’s top surgery. According to Sam, Rory’s insurance company denied coverage and, because they both had very limited resources, this was a piece of good fortune for them.

137 Repudiation of the Internal Pre-Transition Self Sam experienced some difficulty with Rory’s disavowal of his past self before the transition. Although she does not provide specific details about how or what Rory repudiates exactly, she does convey some sense of comfort in knowing that her feelings about this issue are shared with other partners. Sam explains some of her experience, saying, Almost as soon as he changed, he’d be like, “That’s not a change. I’ve always been that way.” So, there was no real way to, yeah, it’s like, “It wasn’t this way 2 days ago.” [laughs] You know, there wasn’t a way to really get that. So it’s interesting. I hear that from everybody, we were going through a process together but not so together in that way. There would be changes and I’ve heard this from lots of other partners of about their partners that there would be changes and the guys are saying, “Oh, it’s always been this way.” Because to them, to [Rory], to these other guys you hear about, it was their internal experience of themselves, and its like almost as soon as it changes, they forget or they deny or they whatever that it was ever a different way.

Caregiver During Surgery In August 2007, when Rory went in for top surgery, Sam scrambled to adapt to two unforeseen changes. The original plan consisted of a short hospital stay as well as help from Rory’s sister in assisting Sam in the post-op care. However, Rory needed more time to recover, meaning that they “ended up staying for 2 weeks in a hotel,” an expense that they could not really afford. Secondly, Sam ended up being Rory’s sole caregiver during the recovery. She explained that this was both “exhausting and stressful,” because

138 she “was both needing to be with him and take care of him and needing to go out and get us food and it was awful.”

The caregiver role required more from Sam than she was comfortable with, and given that Rory was sedated and in pain much of the time, Sam needed to do difficult, and uncomfortable tasks. She states that “it was a lot to do” and although there were “friends over with meals here and there, it was mostly me.” Sam provides a glimpse of what it was like for her to nurse Rory back to health, explaining that Rory was “wearing this big compression vest really tight and there’s drains in it [that] you have to drain, and there’s medications and it hurts for him to move at all and it’s a big deal.” She explains that the vest is, Super tight black elastic that had like hook and eye, short sleeved, down to here, you know? Super tight, so he’s wrapped up under there. And they do this nipple graft so his nipples are his own nipples sewn back on and then gauze is sewn over that.

It is clear in listening to Sam that the recovery process is crucial to a successful outcome. If, at any stage, Rory’s body is not handled with extreme care and delicacy, severe consequences might result. Sam continues in saying that he was, hot and uncomfortable and it would ride up but you can’t really, you know . . .

You can’t pull it, and it would ride up and cut into his underarm. It was just really uncomfortable, and then he had these drains that needed to be drained and [in terms of] the nipples, we’d been so careful. You know, you don’t want to, it’s this nipple graft you don’t want to lose any of the skin or whatever.

Sam found that the worst part of participating in Rory’s post-surgery recovery was hearing the doctor’s comments before inflicting pain, such as, “Okay now, this is going to hurt a little.” [Scraping noise] and scrapes all the top layer of skin off. [chuckles] I do not like watching that stuff at the best of times but when it’s my partner and it’s really painful, it’s like, “Aww, good Lord.” No, that was bad. And then the drains coming out was bad because they have this

139 long, seriously, this long plastic, this wide, thin, hard plastic piece so thin and wide that has all these little holes in it that was laid in here and then it has the tube coming out and you would create suction and it would suck all these little holes in that solid hard plastic piece across there and it would then suck out any fluid that was building up in there. The tube itself probably went in that far and then hooked to this big flat piece of plastic that is embedded in him on both sides. His skin had been growing around it for that long and then [ripping sound] [chuckles] ripped them. Good lord, it’s awful. [laughs] Oh, God. It was awful. Ugh. Oh, I was. It’s like, good Lord. [chuckles] As Sam reflected on her experience of caring for Rory, it was evident that she was creating a cathartic narrative for the first time, not simply for the researcher’s benefit, but more importantly for herself. She continued on, saying that Rory, was really careful because he did not want to stretch his scars at all. We’ve seen people who’ve made bad mistakes with that [chuckles] who don’t take good care of it. It’s really important not to raise your arms. And then the scars have to be kept out of the sun for a year. And then he had little dog-ears they call them, flaps on the side that he had to have taken off and that was just this last March he did that. It is where there’s breast tissue on the side. It still had some breast fat there and so he had those removed in March. You have to wait 6 months to do that, so that was another surgery. And it was shocking. We were expecting like tiny little new incisions and he has this huge stripe that looks like he has been cut in half.

Shocking! Yeah, it went from where the end of his scar was back this far around him. It just surprised us. We had no idea it would be that big of an incision, so I think they’ll look good and as he gets furrier. It’s hard to imagine when it’s all done, you know when it all fades out and what that’ll be but, yeah. The whole thing has been exhausting.

140 From Being Out to Closeted Over a period of 20 years, Sam has worked hard to be more comfortable as a “dyke,” to feel proud of being herself, a lesbian, and it has been “maddening” for her to feel like she is back “in the closet.” She says she has “been fighting so long to become more visible in the culture, and then we were, and it started to get a tiny bit more mainstream or accepted, and it was like, wow, that was a big deal!”

Because of Rory’s gender transition, Sam experiences some formerly basic encounters differently nowadays. She might be walking around town and see other people who are obviously gay and lesbian, and, yet, there is not the same sense of camaraderie. Sam explains this in saying that “there’s no acknowledgement that we’re in the same community anymore—[I have] become invisible.” She goes on to say that “it’s very odd to be invisible to my own community, one that I’ve been fighting for visibility in since the ’80s.”

Categories of Meaning Making Sense of a Big Mystery Concurrent with the “big huge mystery” of the gender transition is Sam’s increased understanding of Rory. Although she admits going through this process with him has been “scary in anticipation of not knowing what the heck” to expect, Sam also reveals a sense of relief in being able to make sense of things about Rory that she did not understand, as long as she thought of him as female. For instance, although they have

141 always had their own individual way of communicating, Sam now surmises that their “communication styles” are based on “a really different brain process,” because of their gender difference. She explains that this “is just a very typical guy process [that she] did not know” about, explaining that she has not had many men in her life.

It seems as though Sam may be identifying unique differences that all individuals have, regardless of gender. However, her attempt to associate these differences with gender may be an effort to further understand and embrace Rory’s transition while trying to make sense of her experience of him and how it relates to her. The alternative has the possibility of creating for her a state of confusion or anxiety or, as she puts it, feeling “scary [in] just not knowing what to anticipate.” This way of making meaning demonstrates how we are ill equipped in our society to make sense of differences and how we are drawn to fit any deviations into familiar categories.

Although Sam has been coming up with all kinds of explanations in an effort to understand Rory better, she admits that it has not been an easy process. In fact, one very useful method she began using during her experience of the gender transition has been to create a “mantra” that reminds her to “be open and curious about what’s next.” She explains, “I’m constantly surprised” by this experience, and many times she has thought, Oh crap, I wonder how this is going to work out. I wonder how we’re going to do this piece. I wonder what that’s going to feel like in the end. This is a big huge mystery. It’s a big huge mystery and I can’t find anyone to even shed any light on it really.

Exploring open communication from these partners about their significant other’s experience of a gender transition is precisely the reason for conducting this study. Going through this process requires an enormous amount of commitment, flexibility,

142 understanding, and compassion for one’s transitioning spouse, not to mention the psychic fortitude to expand, adapt, and integrate many ideas that have not necessarily been consciously explored prior to the transition.

Rory’s gender transition challenges Sam’s way of thinking about the nature of her partner and their attachment. She is clearly up for the test, and has been acclimating to the changes the best way she can. Her mantra of being curious and open seems to serve as a calming, reassuring force, particularly when she feels anxious about all the unknowns.

Her resolve and determination is noteworthy, given the limited references to the partners of trans we have to draw upon in our culture. A good illustration of this is when Sam says, If I get in places where I’m hung up, I go back to that. It’s like, “Well, this scares me but I wonder what this one’s going to be like” or “I wonder what that’s going to be like.” You know?

Sam reassures herself in other ways as well, such as going to great lengths to make sense of things she does not necessarily understand, which is also one way she demonstrates her support of Rory. Undertaking the task of making sense of Rory’s behaviors, differences, and the “mystery” of it all, keeps Sam from being as fearful about not knowing what the outcome may be when and if he ever completes the transition.14

14

The idea of whether or not Rory’s gender transition will ever be complete is a question Sam raises, which will be addressed in a subsequent section.

143

Gender Essentialism Sam’s understanding of Rory’s gender transition reveals her view of the essential nature of gender. Her narrative illustrates her idea that males talk, think, feel, and behave in a certain way that is innately different from females. She attributes her experience of Rory’s being nurturing and intimate with her and his feelings about his body to his being male and her being female. For example, Sam says, “Compared to my lesbian relationships, [Rory is] definitely not nurturing in the same way. The transition has made sense of a variety of things that didn’t make sense before.” She goes on to say, He’s an amazing lover for me and he’s so attentive, and yet there’s this lack of intimacy, like that hasn’t made sense to me. So, this makes sense of it. And the other thing is like “Oh, you’re a guy.” [chuckles] Like there seems to be a significant difference in [pause] how they do intimacy. [chuckles] So, it’s really different than making love with a woman.

Again, in an attempt to lovingly support and understand Rory, Sam singles out specific differences between the two of them, equating his behaviors and interactions with her to his being male, while implying that her actions and interactions are more characteristic of females. Sam seems to attach some of her notions about gender differences to Rory without really expounding on her meaning. In other words, the connection she makes between Rory’s lack of intimacy and his maleness is not clear to the researcher. Her lack of clarity and vagueness may reveal a psychic framework on which Sam relies to make sense of the transition. One of the primary ways she demonstrates this is by suggesting that Rory has always had male characteristics;

144 however, she describes this in a very gender-stereotypical way, which is also illustrated in the following: The intimacy with women, I don’t know how to describe that. It’s very different.

Women are, the women I’ve been with compared to the one man now that I’ve been with [chuckles], well I was with guys in high school [chuckles]. So, for me in those experiences, a presence of women are really different emotionally. So, that’s all involved in the sex. It just has a very different quality to it. I don’t think I have very good words for it. It’s a profoundly different quality to me, and I don’t know if it’s, I don’t know if straight people have that. I don’t know if it’s possible. I know that you can have intimacy, you can have great sex, and you can have all that. I just don’t know if it’s—I would think it’s like inherently quite different.

Sam conveys a sense of hopelessness about her relationship with Rory since his transition. She has identified maleness with having a penis and sexual intimacy and femaleness with emotional intimacy and has made her own frames of gender reference— male = penis and female = emotion. Because Rory’s gender transition is confusing this, she is trying to blend them, yet continues to use old language, behaviors, and norms to rely on for guiding her. She tries to transcend what she knows, while attempting to make sense of this situation by letting her emotions and her love for Rory guide her.

Gender differences, though, are much more complicated than Sam’s conclusion.

Masculinity and femininity do not simply fit into a neat binary system that consists of an either/or option, one that has often been perceived of as having opposite characteristics.

On the contrary, gender is a social construct shaped by every aspect of an individual’s experience throughout life. Gender is multifaceted, considered to be more fluid than rigid, rich with meaning, and only truly discovered in the unique narrative of individuals as they reveal their personal experience within culture, through language, and ultimately

145 within their own psychic interpretation (Benjamin, 2002; Butler, 2002; Chodorow, 2002; Dimen & Goldener, 2002; Harris, 2002; Layton, 2002).

As Sam describes Rory becoming what Sam perceives as masculine, she seems to lack a more contemporary understanding of gender; the concept of gender fluidity is missing from Sam’s narrative. Her emphasis on Rory’s gender difference seems to be more closely linked to a more stereotypical view of gender roles, rather than one from a more studied, contemporary perspective. Of course, it is important to point out that Sam does not live in a theoretical world, but rather an experiential one. Sam’s narrative seems to illustrate how profound these changes are and how quickly they reveal longstanding attitudes toward the body (D. McCaughan, personal communication, 2009).

With so much attention directed toward Rory’s masculinity, the researcher gets the impression that Sam is trying to convince herself that Rory has actually always been male. She explains that, although she has finally made sense of her current sexual experience with Rory, their sex life has changed since the transition. Here is an example of how Sam makes sense of Rory’s gender transition: One of the things it’s done, which I think I touched on before, was it’s made sense of some things. He would much rather make love to me and not have anything, and that’s not what I’m used to in my life before him. And we talked about it and whatever but this has made sense of it. It’s like, well, you know, it’s like that’s not the right genitalia. It’s hard to have that feel right. It reminds him of it all being wrong so, you know, if he wants an orgasm, he’d just rather masturbate or get the orgasm quicker. It’s very like, there’s this prescribed thing that I can do for him.

Having such a narrow range for what can be, and not just wanting, like, there’s no making love to each other at the same time and now I get it. Its like, “Oh,” when he’s making love to me, he’s totally the man. In his whole body, that’s what he feels for himself. And since he decided to transition, he straps on a dildo and we didn’t do that before. And now it’s a consistent part of it. And that changes some of the spontaneity. It takes it away. So it makes very much sense that he’s making love to me, he’s in his body as a man. I understand it more. So, I don’t feel like

146 I’m trying to figure it out, but there was just this huge block that we didn’t have a word for. So, it’s made sense of it.

As the researcher listens, there is a sense of sadness in what Sam is saying. One can imagine her emotional distress and some sense of powerlessness as well in not being able to help her loved one feel more comfortable in his own body. It is apparent that Sam’s journey with Rory through his gender transition has been and continues to be challenging in many ways. Although some of her questions may be answered, there is an anxiety about her future that lingers.

Loss of Visibility Sam has experienced Rory’s gender transition as a loss of visibility as a lesbian.

Any public displays of affection she shows toward Rory convey only one thing now, that they are a heterosexual couple. Sam says that “as a lesbian, it’s a huge loss to not be able to be obviously out and take a stand by simply grabbing my partner’s hand.” She explains further, “Holding hands in public or kissing my partner has always been a political statement that I’m happy to make. It’s been powerful in my life and it’s a really big loss.”

Since Rory’s transition, Sam can no longer politicize her sexual identity just by being out in public with her partner. Instead, it is assumed that when she and Rory are out in public, they are a heterosexual couple, even though Sam still identifies as a lesbian.

Some of her loss may be that she does not feel as “powerful” as she did when her sexual identity was more obvious. The conviction that drove her to be fearless in public as a

147 “dyke” has taken years to develop, and, as a result, she has seen it as a badge of honor, an accomplishment.

Being out as a lesbian in the past several decades has been an important part of Sam’s history, her development, and her identity. The above transformation, however, as a result of Rory’s transition, has been a shedding away for Sam, as though her identity has been moved from her lapel to inside her pocket, not visible or known to anyone but herself and Rory.

Sam reminisces about her history and expresses having felt “a constant sense of being in a battle as a lesbian in this culture” and “fighting so long to become more visible in the culture and then we were, and it started to get a tiny bit more mainstream or accepted, and it was like, ‘Wow, that was a big deal’ You know?”

Although Sam has been feeling progressively more excluded and “invisible” from her old life, it has been a gradual process for her. In fact, these changes seem to have sneaked up on her unawares, until recently. One might imagine that thinking about such a loss may feel overwhelming. Essentially, she is talking about walking away from her own history, for which she has advocated and taken pride. Sam reflects back by explaining, You know how long I fought for lesbians to be visible? [chuckles] Like I remember when a lesbian couple got on the cover of TIME magazine. That was, I don’t know what year, but that was astonishing. And now I’ve kind of flipped into invisible in a different way. It’s very odd and invisible to my own community that I’ve been fighting for visibility in since the ’80s. That’s a strange experience. It’s a lot of loss actually.

The grief Sam is experiencing from the loss of visibility in connection with her sexual identity comes up in waves, often when she least expects it. She describes this loss as surfacing in layers, gradually over time, and only as often or with as much pain and

148 sadness as she is able to tolerate at that time. The breadth of her situation will take some time for her to integrate. She explains that, It seems like it’s about every 6 months [when] it kind of creeps up on me and its like, “Oh,” and I tend to hit another layer of grief whenever that happens. Because there’s another layer of reality to this or loss for me, and last year when I hit one of those, like a year ago spring or something, it was really striking my cord of, “How do I be a lesbian in the world married to a man?” Like losing that public identity.

Sam’s presence in the world as a powerful lesbian has always given her a sense of satisfaction. She has thoroughly enjoyed having a sense of camaraderie with other gays and lesbians, without even knowing them, as if there is an exclusive unspoken language within this diverse population. She explains that when one sees someone who may be gay or lesbian and glance at them, and then share a mutual second glance or nod as you walk by each other, it is like a secret code, one that the heterosexual population is not privy to.

The following is an example of how different this has been for Sam since Rory’s gender transition: I’d be walking up in [small town] and see a lesbian couple on the street and there’s a look that you give other people in your community that’s just totally acknowledged and there’s this sense of community and safety and shared history and it’s very wonderful, and I would give that look and they’d be like, “Why are you looking at me that way?” Because I’d be with [Rory], or like we pulled into a camping spot and the people in front of us that were leaving was a gay couple.

Usually that would have been a moment of “Oh yeah, a gay couple, too, a gay couple and isn’t this great.” And there would have been this definite, even if it’s just a look, there would have been something very profound shared in that moment. So, we can give them that look and they’re like, “Why are you looking at us?” You know? It tends to, when a straight couple’s looking at them that way, it’s like it tends to raise defenses.

By losing her visibility as a lesbian, Sam finds it painful to be excluded from the ease of connecting with other gays and lesbians in the community. This was not something she had anticipated. However, the pain of being invisible is not nearly as

149 painful for Sam as the thought of either not being supportive of Rory’s gender transition or being without him altogether.

Rory’s gender transition has been a trade off, of sorts, for Sam; her identity for Rory’s identity as a man. His new identity gives Sam a new identity, and one towards which she has been in political opposition for years. She is grappling with the idea of appearing to be a heterosexual couple, because it is not familiar or comfortable to her, and is the antithesis of her own development as a lesbian. Sam expresses her discomfort when discussing her thoughts about whether or not to legally marry Rory in the following excerpt: I have really mixed feelings about it. I mean as it becomes legal, slowly, slowly, that feels a little bit better for me for gay and lesbian people, but otherwise I feel like, which isn’t necessary, but it feels like a betrayal of my culture.

Although Sam’s loss of visibility as a lesbian means that she loses her public identity, it does not necessarily mean that she must give up her ability to fight for a meaningful cause. However, she does not seem to recognize that even though she is in a different sphere of the political battle she is still inadvertently participating in a very timely gender battle.

150 Somewhere In the Middle As Sam attempts to identify her view of Rory’s place on a gender spectrum, she reveals her belief of his present state as being somewhere in the middle. Although she acknowledges not considering him female at this point, she struggles at seeing him as completely male. The following excerpt illustrates how disconcerting it is for Sam that Rory does not have male genitalia: The mismatch of his genitalia to his body now is like there’s, I’m super clear I love his body, I don’t care what’s what, you know, at that level, and the mismatch causes me more like something, whatever that is, than I would have ever thought. [chuckles] [pause] You know, [pause] Cognizant dissonance or something. It’s like, you know, it’s this [pause] not-rightness of it [that] resonates viscerally in me.

Seconds after acknowledging her discomfort with Rory’s “lack of a penis,” Sam conveys uneasiness about her comments. Immediately upon coming up with enough courage to openly acknowledge this experience, this dissonant experience, she retracts it by saying, “I don’t care what’s what.” On the contrary, Sam actually cares a great deal.

She reveals this by saying, “I don’t know if this is true but it seems like I grieve it more than he does at this point.” Sam surprises herself as she continues to talk. She is “stunned’ by how important it is for her that Rory have a penis, especially because of, as she puts it, her being, “a big ol’ lesbian.”

Being caught somewhere in the middle is a new experience for Sam; however, wanting Rory to have a penis is not. She explains that between 2000 and 2005, she tried to get pregnant, and It was annoying. I just wish [Rory] had some sperm for me, thank you very much.

I mean, that would have made it so easy. I think. Of course, my body still might not have gotten pregnant but you’d have a lot more chances of it, you know? So,

151 we would have been trying from the beginning if that had been true. So, it took us a long time to figure out how to find a known donor. We didn’t have money for the artificial route.

Sam wished that Rory had a penis even before he began undergoing a gender transition. In fact, when examining her narrative more closely, it seems that Sam was actually the one to suggest Rory undergo a gender transition. For instance, as she verbalized her associations between what she was hearing on the “Oprah” episode, she came right out and asked Rory, “Do you want to do that?”

There exists the possibility that Sam has had an unconscious fantasy of being with a male rather than a female, particularly knowing how her family disapproved of her lesbianism, even considering the amount of time that passed since Sam first came out to them. She describes her experience of returning home after coming out, When I went home, my sister wouldn’t see me. I couldn’t be around her children.

My parents, I got home on my birthday. We always had big birthday things. There was nothing. It was very confusing. We didn’t, its like “What’s going on?” And I didn’t even understand. And then [after] a couple weeks there, it just was, you know, they didn’t disown me but it sure wasn’t good, it was really rough.

Perhaps Sam’s experience of being somewhere in the middle is reminiscent of how she felt in her family not so long ago. Could she have imagined that if Rory pursued a gender transition that she might gain acceptance from her family? Sam revealed more of her experience during that time (referring to a previous partner) by saying, “We were never welcome at my sister’s.” She goes on to explain that, If holidays were at [sister’s] house, I would say to my family, “That doesn’t seem fair since we can’t come. Have it somewhere where we can make the choice whether to be there or not.” And you know, they were still at her house so you know, it was hard, because you know her response to my lesbianism was to go join a group of people that go save the lesbians and make them straight, you know? That was my sister. So [chuckles] [Whispers] she’s come a long way.

152 Because her sister has become Sam’s primary support person at present, Sam no longer feels that she is somewhere between her mother and sister. On the contrary, her family has embraced both Sam and Rory. She reveals that she has been pleasantly surprised that her stepfather “is so much more at ease with [Rory] now that he has transitioned.” In fact, Sam revealed that, Across the board, men [Snaps her fingers] changed [pronouns] with him instantly to he and become, “Ah!” Like, I think things, I don’t know, made more sense to them too or something. Across the board, that would be true of the men in our lives where that was easy and the women have had a more difficult time changing pronouns and I think it’s like losing one of our own—feeling [laughs].

While those closest to Sam seem better able to accept Rory’s gender transition, she challenges herself not to perceive him as being somewhere between genders.

In support of the idea that Sam may have had an unconscious wish to be with a male rather than a female, she may have chosen Rory as a mate, because he seemed to be a very masculine female before the transition.

He was super-masculine. Just in, I mean, so he was just very sort of, you know, stereotypes like, you know, mechanic, handyman, and all his interests were that way. He had grown up [in] childhood, very, very tough and very street and very, his physique was very broad-shouldered and I mean he had a very sort of masculine physique as a woman.

Sam cannot quite seem to fully embrace maleness without a penis, the most basic distinguishing anatomical characteristic of a man. She attempts to rid herself of the anxiety she feels about being “somewhere in the middle” by implying that she would feel better if Rory could get a hysterectomy so he would not have to continue getting gynecological exams. However, Sam reveals how complicated this process can be as she explains that,

153 A doctor has to be able to find a reason for it aside from transgender for it to get paid for. It should be standard with this but it’s not, so you have to come up with some medical reasoning because our insurance won’t cover it for transgender, so that hasn’t happened yet. I don’t know if it will. Well, and if you’re doing a metoidioplasty, 15 you can do it all at once.

Sam is referring to one of the two options for genital surgery. The metoidioplasty is the less intrusive of the two but has minimal results, and the phalloplasty,16 which she indicates that although Rory “would love to have a full size penis—it’s too brutal and not worth it.” Even though they have already decided that Rory would not have a metoidioplasty, Sam explains, Whether or not he gets that surgery, the not having it leaves him having to have gynecological exams, having, you know, and it’s like there’s this sense of [pause] you know, there’s still something left that doesn’t match, that needs to change. I don’t know that we’ll ever have that. So I’m hoping I can, I and he and whatever can come to, if we are unable to get that or choose not to, that we could still come to a sense of it feeling complete so we aren’t always in the transition. So, I don’t know when it’s going to feel like, “Oh, we’ve achieved that.” I think if we had the surgery, if he did [chuckles], but it feels like a very we thing, that it would change that. I think it would move us closer to feeling like, “Okay, we’ve done all that.”

Notice how Sam refers to “we” when talking about the transition and the surgery.

She does this in part because she has been such a huge part of Rory’s process and is exhausted by it. She goes on to say that “it is an enormous amount of work,” while explaining that,

15

Metoidioplasty is a genital surgery whereby “the enlarged clitoris is released from the clitoral ligaments to advance, straighten, and lengthen” to assimilate a normal penis, and “the labia majora are reconstructed as a scrotum in which testicular implants can be placed.” This “technically difficult and challenging” (Perovic & Djordjevic, 2003) procedure can vary in cost that typically begins at $30,000 (Winterspark, 2008).

16

Phalloplasty is a genital surgery where a penis is constructed from the patient’s own tissue (commonly taken from the forearm, leg and/or abdomen) and shaped and grafted into place. This surgical procedure can cost as much as $100,000 (Winterspark, 2008).

154 Any partner I’ve talked to, it’s like a full-time job for people. I mean, it’s huge, the amount of work it takes. And the person who’s doing the transitioning themselves, whatever their ability to participate in that is, what I hear is so much.

It takes such an active activist partner to find your way through the system. I feel like someone alone trying to do that or someone with a partner who wasn’t supportive or able to do that would be, it’s enough to do the transition without having to negotiate all of the stupidity of our medical system and legal system and you know, there’s some cultural stupidity. [chuckles] Yeah, it’s a lot.

Feeling that “the transition isn’t finished” leaves Sam in a kind of limbo. She is frustrated with years of focusing her thinking of Rory as a man, even though he does not have the genitalia that makes his maleness complete. Sam’s fantasy is that if Rory has genital surgery, he will be a male in every sense of the word, at least in her mind.

Sam also wishes to come to the end of the transition so she can feel closer to Rory, emotionally and physically, but particularly if he has a penis. Sam explains in the following excerpt: What’s happened about sex since he has transitioned is, he straps on a penis for our sex, which we didn’t, we used some before but not much and I like that. It’s lovely, it’s fine, it’s great, and my grief is that he is not having, it’s like we’re sharing an experience where he’s not really sharing in it.

The intimacy between Sam and Rory has changed, and she feels a distance between them since his transition. Sam describes her fantasy by imagining what she might say to Rory. It would go something like this, “Its like, ‘Oh, that would be fixed if you had a penis.’” She further explains her concern by saying, He has to strap on a penis, it’s just so annoying. I like the penis but the having-tostrap-it-on thing is just really annoying. It’s super pleasing to me but I know it’s not his body, and I can’t, there’s still this sort of a lot of off limits for his genitals and all that, so there’s not a real way to. I don’t know if it’s the hardest thing but it’s the first thing that came to mind. There’s that intimacy that we’re not ever going to have. And then there’s I can’t quite have the full intimacy that I want just because it’s not his penis even though it is. So, there’s just this thing missing that isn’t really fixable and I feel sad about that. So, it feels like a big loss. I love sex.

It’s an important part of my life. There would be ways to please him that were

155 totally enjoyable that didn’t work his brain and make, you know, it’s like with intercourse, it would be his body. You know? That would be and so it’s a grief that doesn’t get to get resolved I don’t think, you know, unless something happens in our life where he can get a good functional penis. I don’t really foresee that happening though. So, to me, I think that that’s one of the hardest things because it’s not really fixable. It’s a grief that’s just going to be something I continue to live with.

Is Sam simply referring to not being able to feel Rory’s body in hers literally? It is more likely, though, that her emphasis on physical or sexual closeness is actually a way to remove herself from something that is at least as painful to her as his lack of penis, an emotional detachment between them that she does not know how to reclaim.

The lack of the penis becomes symbolic for Sam’s feeling like she is living somewhere in the middle. It seems much more plausible that her fantasy of the penis as a solution to their declining sense of intimacy is a defense that she needs to maintain, a way of preserving herself. Without the possibility of Rory’s undergoing genital surgery at some point, Sam’s connection—physical, sexual, and emotional—to Rory feels like it is forever altered.

A Challenging Loss Sam has experienced Rory’s gender transition as a challenging loss. Her love and support for him has made her sadness about “losing what’s been familiar,” confusing and complicated. Whereas Rory becomes more excited about becoming more comfortable in his maleness, Sam grieves losing the femaleness she has known over the years. She attempts to articulate what she has lost by saying,

156 I miss the cuddling. I miss the real mutuality and I miss [pause] I miss the softness of women. You know? I miss the things about being with a woman where there’s a very different type of nurturing. I miss that.”

On one hand she acknowledges a loss, yet on the other hand she denies it by saying, “I don’t know what I’m losing.” What might it mean to Sam if she identifies her loss without immediately negating it? Is it so painful that she cannot bear to acknowledge it? Might Sam be asking herself which gender is real for Rory, and what their respective roles are now? Perhaps her questioning indicates she is moving closer to sorting out, processing, and integrating her experiences. Sam automatically shifts to her familiar selfprotective stance by creating the reality she needs to live in, as she has always done. She seems to rely on this protection, albeit unconsciously, as a result of the emotional difficulties inherent in Rory’s transition at this confusing time.

Sam not only describes using compartmentalization to ward off childhood trauma, but she seems to have activated this defense in an attempt to minimize the painful feelings she has about Rory’s transition as well. For example, before describing her childhood experience, she prefaces it by saying, “So, you’re going to get my sort of positive daytime life memories [chuckles].” When the researcher asked about Sam’s reference to two sets of memories, both positive and negative, Sam revealed that she cannot tolerate her conflicting experiences in childhood. She replied, “I, like, can’t really even acknowledge them [chuckles]. I know they’re there. So, I know that, but I can’t even really acknowledge that I know that. I always leave it out of my own story to myself [chuckles].”

In addition, it was apparent that when the researcher inquired about Sam’s defense, she became increasingly anxious. Her chuckles signified discomfort; and the

157 evidence for associating them to anxiety is based on the researcher’s internal experience during this inquiry. In other words, this inquiry may have triggered a reaction formation in Sam, laughing to conceal her anxiety, whereby questioning her more closely may have caused her to respond unconsciously in opposition to what she was actually feeling.

The task of sorting out, processing, and integrating such a tremendous transformation is enormous. And, although the gender transition seems to evolve fairly quickly once started, the psychic adaptation for the non-transitioning partner requires an extended amount of time. This is evident when Sam describes being at home with Rory and casually looking at him out of the corner of her eye, only to be surprised to see a man in her home. She explains by saying, I’m constantly surprised and that’s the thing. I think I’m very aware of this happening and it’s also I’m not even thinking about it. It’s very natural for him to be a man. You know? But I’m constantly surprised by what grief I have, by what I’m losing.

On the one hand, Sam describes her surprise at seeing a man, yet conversely, she says she is “very aware” of how “natural” it is for Rory “to be a man.” How then, is it that she is “constantly surprised” by her grief? By not thinking about Rory’s transition, Sam may be giving herself time to adjust to all the changes surrounding her. Some of the psychological challenge she experiences is demonstrated in the following excerpt: I was sitting in the kitchen and I was just looking from here to there and he was in the middle. Right? Just passed over him and it’s like, “You are such a man. How did I end up living with such a man?” [chuckles] You know? I just, you know, men have not featured in my life so it was, it feels like he has, what I was afraid of happening was I’d wake up with a man in my bed one day, like I thought that was going to happen instantaneously, and that didn’t happen that way, but it feels like it has happened, and that’s what feels like he’s slipped over another line just in the last couple of months.

158 Could it be that it has taken Sam more time to see Rory as he actually is now, rather than how she remembers him being? How does she process something about which she is in conflict? Sam has spent countless hours researching and advocating for Rory, because she loves him and wants him to be satisfied with himself, and yet she is pained by losing her memory of Rory as her beloved female partner. Sam speaks to her dilemma in saying, “I’ve been watching something leave that I love and he’s been watching something come that he totally wants. I miss the things about being with a woman.”

Sam’s challenge of losing the Rory she once knew has been enormous. However, with courage and compassion, she has prevailed by working out how to maneuver her way psychically through one obstacle after another in relation to Rory’s transition. Sam has demonstrated a remarkable resilience, vacillating back and forth between the acknowledgment of the loss and the psychic management of the difficulty of integrating these vast changes in the future of her relationship with Rory and her own identity. She captures her experience of telling her story to the researcher in the following: Yeah, you know, what’s been very interesting to me is that [pause] this journey has been a difficult one, the process, and I’m not, I mean I’m living it and I’m actively problem solving it, and living through it, but to sit down and look at it all together, it’s like, “Oh, that’s been hard!”

Subject 5: The Case of Taylor Identifying Information Taylor is a small plump 52-year-old Caucasian woman with long, straight, dark brown hair. She presents as being very friendly, open, and positive, with a delightful

159 sense of humor. Taylor is the “spouse” of her MTF “spouse,”17 whom she refers to as Simone. They have been married for 30 years and have two adult children.

In February 2003, Roy, Taylor’s husband (pre-transition), revealed that he had been secretly dressing in women’s clothing since age 8. Although Roy considered himself to be a cross-dresser for the first 2 years after coming out to Taylor, in May 2005 he acknowledged a gradual awareness of identifying more as a transgender person than as a cross-dresser. During this time, Roy decided to pursue a gender transition. He began hormone treatments in November 2005, legally changed his name to Simone in the fall of 2006, and underwent a vaginoplasty (genital surgery) in September 2008.

Taylor’s Experience of Simone’s Gender Transition Reflecting back to when Roy (pre-transition) first told her that he was a transgender, Taylor thinks about when he revealed wearing women’s clothing. It was during a long car ride that took them across several state borders when Roy openly shared his long held secret. Taylor explained that he was unsure of why he felt compelled to dress in women’s clothes and did not understand it himself. She elucidates in the following: Well, he didn’t really know what it was until he went for counseling and that’s what they thought it was at the time. And a lot of people, who turn out to be crossdressers, as you probably already know, don’t really know how far they need to go with it, until later. Sometimes it takes many years, sometimes not very long.

So, he had no clue.

17

The term spouse is used here because it is the primary one Taylor uses to describe herself and her relationship. However, there are times when she refers to Simone as her partner as well.

160 Within the first 2 years of seeing Roy as a cross-dresser, Taylor felt betrayed, stunned, depressed, and powerless. She gradually regained some sense of power regarding her role by beginning to actively seek out and participate in the community of cross-dressers. She tried valiantly to be a supportive spouse; the couple joined some of the cross-dresser organizations and attended monthly dinners, annual conferences, and meeting and speaking with other spouses and cross-dressers.

Inundated With Questions By the time that Roy told Taylor he was transgender, she was still “reeling from the news that [her] spouse needed to dress in women’s clothes.” She was angry and still questioning everything she knew or thought she knew about Roy, asking herself, “How could I not know this about this person?”

Learning that Roy felt he could no longer live as a man was too much for Taylor to absorb at first. She explains by saying, I didn’t know if I could stay in the marriage at that point. You know, I had compartmentalized all the cross-dressing stuff and I thought, “Okay, I can leave a, I can lead a secretive life there” [laughs] You know? You know, I was kind of deluding myself. You know, that I could keep that part compartmentalized over here and I can still live a relatively normal life over here. And then everything started overlapping and it’s like, you know, I’m freaking out and it’s like, “How do I do this?” You know, “How do I do that?” So, that was kind of interesting. [chuckles]

161 According to Taylor, she and Roy “had fights about it” and she “didn’t like” the fact that he18 wanted to live as a woman on a full-time basis. She “would complain about it,” and although there were many people telling her “just don’t do it,” she knew that the issue was a complex decision and needed some careful consideration. In many ways, Taylor felt as though her options were limited. She shares some of what she thought about during this time in the following excerpt: Well, I kind of have to [stay] because my spouse is determined to do this.” You know? You know, it was pretty much delivered to me on a plate. You know, he said, “You’re either with me or we can part ways.” Not an ultimatum per se but, I was very much aware of that from what he said.

By this point, the focus of Taylor’s life had been changing so drastically that she was just trying to stay afloat. As supportive as she had been, she was not at all prepared to lose her husband. Taylor explains that, “I think that’s the thing that most wives fear the very most, them saying, ‘Okay, I have to go all the way.’ So, yeah, that was one of my worst fears.”

Taylor attributes the combination of attending “a lot of counseling” sessions and recognizing how vital transitioning was for her spouse to helping her get through this tumultuous period in her life. With all her own difficult internal questions, she was struck by how clear Roy was about what was needed. Taylor expands on this in saying, “all along, my spouse did not waiver in her decision. She just kept her eye on the goal. She knew she needed to do this or die. There was no doubt in her mind.”

18

The use of both feminine and masculine pronouns is based on the subject’s reference to her spouse in the context of pre and post transition. However, the shifting of pronouns creates confusion at times and therefore, the researcher attempts to follow the subject’s lead by using the pronouns of “he” for pretransition and “she” for post-transition.

162 According to Taylor, Roy was determined to undergo a gender transition, even though he knew how difficult this was for her. Not transitioning was not an option for him, and so he lovingly asked her if she needed to separate in order to take care of herself. Taylor explains, My spouse kept offering that. I hated that when she did that. “Well, would it be easier for you, maybe it would just be easier for you if I just left. Then you could find somebody else and live a happy life.” And I said, “No, I don’t think so.” [chuckles] You know, “I want to be with you,” so yeah, it took me a while. I can’t remember, I mean it just all kind of blends so I can’t give you months or dates but it was all a very gradual thing.

Dual Transition Concurrent with her spouse undergoing a gender transition, Taylor was enduring her own transition of sorts. Every aspect of her life began to change in one way or another, and she experienced a heightened intensity that seemed to both feed her and exhaust her. In order to educate herself, she sought out as much transgender reading material as she could, using the Internet to obtain support and by corresponding with other trans-partners. She relocated from a neighborhood where she was known and where her children had grown up to a different area of town. In addition, Taylor ended a longstanding part-time self-employed position she held for years to pursue a full-time job in the city.

Although Taylor demonstrated extreme supportiveness of her spouse throughout her transition on the exterior, she reveals an internal struggle, explaining that, “It was a very gradual process. I can’t really name one thing that stood out at that point other than I

163 went through periods of big depression where I’d just lay there and cry.” Taylor’s life was changing as drastically as Simone’s.

Effects of Physical and Emotional Changes Over the past 3 years, as Simone embarked on her gender transition, Taylor has observed several physical and emotional changes in her spouse. She explains that initially, when Simone began hormone treatment, there was a shift in her libido, and although Taylor was asked about her specific experience with Simone, she extended her response to other transgender spouse’s experience as well by explaining that, Once they start taking hormones, [although] they don’t tell the wives this necessarily, they will become impotent, most of them. Most of them, at least the ones I’ve talked to. I mean, it just doesn’t work as well anymore. That’s what the spironolactone I think does. It takes away the testosterone. You need a little bit of testosterone to have a sex drive and without any, I mean my spouse’s was at zero you know before the surgery [and] you just aren’t interested in sex.

However, Taylor not only believes that Simone’s “sex drive should come back a little bit more” after she has had more time to recover from her recent genital surgery, she credits Simone for having “tried extra hard, because she knew it was important to [Taylor] to maintain that physical relationship” in which she found great “comfort.”

Taylor conveys how important physical closeness has always been for her, regardless of the changes in her relationship. Unlike some spouses, Taylor acknowledges that she “would never want to sleep in a separate bed from [her] spouse.” However, she does reveal her sadness in the loss of her spouse’s genitalia by saying, “I miss the penis.”

164 Taylor identified another difficulty in what she referred to as her “partner’s teenage-hood,” a stage she estimated lasting about 2 years. Taylor explained that as Simone was going through so many drastic physical changes, she became extremely selfabsorbed and did things that were very hurtful to Taylor. When asked to talk about some of her experiences, Taylor explained, Oh there was a period of when [Simone] did do the teenage stuff. Where she went out to gay bars and she kissed a couple people and danced feeling one another up and I think that’s part of the teenage thing. I don’t think it happens to everyone but it happens to some of them and I think she was seeking approval for who she is.

Although it may seem as though Taylor was surprisingly understanding of Simone’s behavior, in reality she was upset and confused and tried to make sense of it by asking Simone, “Why did you need to do this when you have an accepting person at home waiting for you?” Taylor elucidates in the following: And then I was lying on the couch and she came home with this big grin on her face and was massaging my feet, telling me this with great delight. I looked at her and I’m like, “Are you out of your mind to tell me about something you did that would hurt me? You know, because I’m sitting here waiting for you and you’re doing this with other people. What is it you don’t get?”

It has taken time for Taylor to understand more, and she can now attribute Simone’s lack of thoughtfulness or consideration for her to being excited about her transition. She was “so focused in this pink cloud [on] being accepted as a woman” that she is oblivious to her effect on others, particularly the ones she loves most. Taylor expresses this extremely trying time for her in saying, “I swear to God, if spouses can get through that teenage phase, they can get through anything [laughs].”

165 A more humorous aspect of her experience was watching Simone’s floundering about in her attempts to figure out how to dress like a woman, as though she was trying on this new body, or as Taylor describes it, They try it on for size. They try on everything for size. They dress like a slut, if they’re, you know, M to F. They go flirting around with everybody. They play around sometimes. They don’t, they’re not honest with their spouses and you just feel like, “Do I need to kill you?” [laughs] Taylor laughs now, but only in retrospect. While in the midst of this unpredictability in her spouse, she did not find the behavior so humorous. However, she does attribute her sense of humor to helping her survive much of the tumult over the past several years, working hard to find something humorous about her experience. She talked, about how important it was to be playful and not take yourself too seriously because let’s face it, they do look funny at first. I mean, we used to call my spouse’s wig, road kill. [laughs] My trans-woman friend, she’d helped me I think deal with it by using humor, you know, and we’d laugh about my spouse. I didn’t tell my spouse all the jokes that we made about her, you know, and I think it just made it easier.

Out of necessity, Taylor felt a need to step in on occasion to assist her spouse in dressing more appropriately, so that Simone could pass more easily as female.

When reflecting on the emotional changes Taylor has experienced since Simone’s transition, she admits that, despite the pain, her marriage has improved greatly. She first refers to Simone by saying, She’s happier and so I think our marriage is stronger because we grew together through the transition. We had a hard road to go through, each of us, individually, and both of us together. And so, I’m proud of the work that we did. I’m really proud of how far we’ve come. And I would never trade it back again. You know, I would never say, “you know, I’m sorry I did it,” because I am glad that I did it.

166 I would have never had the experiences and the growth that I have now without having had to experience it, pain and all. You know, it’s changed me and I can never go back. If something happened and she died, I could, I don’t know if I could go back to a regular heterosexual male, I don’t know if I could go back. I don’t know. I’m acclimated to this now. You know, this is the person I love.

Shift in Social Life According to Taylor, her social life used to consist primarily of other heterosexual couples. They lived in a neighborhood of friends with whom they had come to know well over the years. Yet, when Roy came out as transgender, they relocated miles away to a completely different neighborhood. In reflecting upon how different her social life was then compared to now, Taylor admits, “It’s quite a bit different now [laughs].” She goes on to explain in the following excerpt: Oh, I guess we were what was considered the normal heterosexual couple and we had other normal heterosexual couples as our, you know, friends, and they had kids. And so, we’d have our kids play together and we’d play games at each other’s houses. And, you know, I’d have potlucks in the neighborhood and, you know, go to church and have friends, church friends, and it just felt like a very routine life, you know? I volunteered at the school and knew people through that.

We would, my spouse is, was a [computer programmer] and so, the other [computer programmers’] wives [would] get together and meet and go to one another’s houses on the weekends.

The lifestyle that Taylor describes above seems almost like someone else’s life, very unlike her life now. In fact, she and Simone have not been back to spend time with any of their old friends, in part because some of them “are very homophobic” and would not only not approve of their lifestyle at present but would most likely gossip about them

167 to their former neighbors. Taylor explains further by saying, “These are born again families.”

Taylor expresses that she loves the freedom of living in a completely different world and would not trade her life now for anything. Since Simone’s identification as transgender, their whole world has opened up, and her life has become much more inclusive of a diverse population. Taylor explains that she is now actively involved in the GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender) community. She has made new friends by networking over the internet with other trans-spouses, joining a new church, attending and coordinating peer support groups, volunteering at Pride, and performing in plays in the surrounding areas.

Categories of Meaning Forgotten A common experience among transgender spouses with whom Taylor identifies is that of being one of “the forgotten ones.” The transitioning spouse is so focused on all the changes they are undergoing that the partner, who is typically the primary support person, gets lost in all the excitement their transitioning spouse feels about their gender transition.

Taylor explains that, Even trans-people have told this to me—that the transition is a very selfish thing and it’s kind of all about them. And a lot of the spouses I’ve met kind of bend over backwards when they don’t leave. They’re the ones that stay bent over backwards by doing everything for the spouse. So, you know, in a way I’ve felt that we’re the forgotten ones that it’s not about us.

168 Taylor seems to simply want some acknowledgement for not only being selflessly supportive and flexible but also for needing her own support through the transition, separate from her spouse’s.

The idea that Taylor and other spouses “bend over backwards” expressing their support may actually be, in part, an unconscious manifestation of a desperate attempt to ward off being excluded, forgotten, or pushed aside. As long as Taylor is hypersupportive, she feels needed. She has created a role for herself so that she does not get left behind.

Taylor has maintained a sense of purpose in her new role as trans-spouse through outreach and trying to organize other partners in similar positions as she was. For example, she explains that she had, started putting books [she] had on the subject [of transgender] on the table to kind of show and tell and then people would write the books down and anytime somebody comes over and says “Try this book” or “Try that book” I read everything I could, you know all the email lists. I was on there everyday. I am kind of known for my prolific emailing of people. [chuckles] You know, because I would get support. You know, if you talk about your feelings, it really helps.

And later I helped other people with their feelings.

Unfortunately, there was not enough of an interest, much less a commitment, from other spouses to keep the support group going for long. Some of the difficulties with connecting with other spouses in an organized manner may be that many of these couples do what Taylor refers to as “go to wood.” Taylor explains in the following excerpt: Go to wood means you kind of become part of the woodwork, you kind of disappear from the trans-community because you’ve transitioned and you’re fitting into society now as whoever you are. So, a lot of the couples that started [a support group] and had couples’ night, you don’t know where they are anymore because they’re doing their own thing. And they’re not really involved with it. It’s just kind of a transient thing. You’re in it while you need it. You help out and kind of give back for a while, and then you kind of move on. So, I know someone

169 who we recently met who knew some people from way back, was wondering where has everyone gone? So, it’s kind of interesting, although I could have used some of those older wives and partners to kind of help me along, I didn’t really have any.

Taylor’s sense of feeling forgotten is understandable given that there are few support services available to partners, even as there is an increasing number of clubs, organizations, workshops, and conferences available to the transgender population.

Taylor expresses her frustration in the following: It feels like more should be done for us. Like in a lot of the clubs, the transgender clubs, or organizations, sometimes there doesn’t seem to be room for the spouses.

You know, it’s just all about them and their transition. You know, I’ve been on a couple of e-mail lists and it’s like they talk about the transition but you know, you kind of feel like you’re butting in and interrupting and really not welcomed as much as you wish you would be. You know, when you try to write a comment or a question and you’re a spouse.

Taylor has been embarking on uncharted territory. She feels like an outsider, and it has taken her a few years to figure out where she, now a trans-spouse, fits in to the world. There is nothing about her new role that is familiar to her, and ironically, her emotional experience parallels her practical experience in terms of her relocation, her residence. While literally trying to find her way around her new neighborhood by searching for the closest market or gas station, Taylor is also searching for her community of people, other trans-spouses, with whom she can identify and obtain support. At this point in her life, a sense of community and camaraderie is vital.

However, Taylor may not feel quite as forgotten, as she settles into her new home both literally and figuratively.

170 Acclimating To a New Sub-Culture When Taylor decided to “turn a fresh chapter, clean page, and move,” she did not simply relocate from one neighborhood to another; she threw herself into a completely new sub-culture. A gradual immersion into the GLBT community began once Roy (pretransition) revealed plans to undergo a gender transition, and ironically, this was the subculture against which many of her previous neighbors had discriminated. Taylor could not bear the thought of staying in the old neighborhood and tolerating the insults. She elucidates this feeling in the following excerpt: I did decide that “I cannot live in this house with these gabby neighbors,” because I know from, you know, watching our kids play and sitting on lawn chairs together that they’re very homophobic. There was a gay couple that lived on the corner that the one woman said after she moved in that she wanted to go spray Lysol on every surface of the house. It just made me feel sick. It just made me feel sick and I just thought, “I can’t live in this neighborhood.” There’s two or three families that I really liked that I know would be okay with this but the rest of them would make me feel like I wanted to crawl into a shell somewhere and not be here, so, you know, my spouse was probably at that point willing to do anything if I’d stay on board. And so, “Fine, we’ll sell the house.”

Taylor’s decision to sell the house and move is symbolic of her decision to stay in the marriage. In verbalizing a desire to relocate, she is consciously locking the door and throwing away the key to her old life. Taylor is willing to embark on a new life, one she knows very little about at this point.

Taylor may have had another reason to make such a major decision as relocating, given that perhaps moving was the only avenue she had to exhibit some sense of power over her life. The way Taylor describes her experience in the last two sentences of the above excerpt actually seem to convey an angry affect. It is plausible, then, to consider

171 that Taylor did not want to move but felt she had no choice, given that Roy was going to transition regardless of how she felt about it.

According to Taylor, the move was not an easy one for her. She explains that initially, it was “very depressing, because I was home alone, not knowing anybody, you know, trying to deal with this all by myself. So that was really hard [laughs] really, really hard.” Taylor’s laugh is evidence of an unconscious defensive stance, an outward expression that denies her internal experience of pain. Turning her pain around with laughter is one of the ways that she has coped with the overwhelming number of changes she has endured over the past several years.

In addition to her pain and anger, Taylor was afraid and felt vulnerable, as she ventured out into the GLBT community with no idea of what to expect. Taylor reveals that, It was really scary at first. And you know, at first . . . people did not know what I was, and even GLBT people want to box you in. You know, they should know better but they wanted to know and my friend goes, “Oh, they just want to know if you’re fresh meat, if you’re available.” [laughs] Taylor is referring to entering into the GLBT community for the first time, and imaging that she has “newcomer” written all over her face. She wanted so desperately to find some place to belong after being displaced from a place she had so comfortably fit into for many years. She felt anxious, as though she were going to another country, one where people speak a different language, have different customs that she knows nothing about.

172 However, it did not take long before Taylor discovered that the GLBT community was not only welcoming, but very supportive of her and Simone. She describes “getting to know GLBT people. This isn’t scary—they’re people!” Taylor explains, I mean it was just really interesting. I never felt prejudiced against, you know, GLBT people anyway. But I never really had much opportunity to be friends with other people like that living in the suburbs. So, you know they’re really cool people, very talented individuals, and we come from all walks of life.

With time, Taylor and Simone have become active members of the GLBT community. They have been pleasantly surprised at the response they have received from this new sub-culture. Taylor reflects back by saying that, “this whole community [and] the support that we got, both of us got from [them] was just incredible.” She and Simone revealed plans to undergo the transition with members in the community and as Taylor describes, You know, they all wished us well. We had people come up and hug us for different reasons. To me, they said, “It’s going to be a hard road for you, you know, it’s going to be a hard road.” I said, “I know.” [I] just started dissolving in tears, because here these people really cared. They weren’t just saying that they really cared. And I thought, “they seem to understand how hard that is.” So, and then, you know, for my spouse, they wished her well. You know, because they knew she was excited about it—nervous as all get-out, but excited.

Another aspect of acclimating to this new diverse culture and being honest about her new identity as a trans-spouse required the couple to come out to their adult children.

Although Taylor attributes being “nervous” to Simone, she conveys her own anxiety by how surprised she is at the unexpected outcome. Taylor depicts her experience in the following: We sat the kids down one at a time. The one, oh let’s see, I want to say, our daughter first. I think we told her first, and then we told our son. And they each individually without conferring with the other sibling, their reaction was, “Oh, is that all? God, we thought you were dying of cancer or something.” You know, so

173 they were fine with it. And what I think people don’t realize is how cool the young generation now is with it, they’re used to diversity. They don’t care.

Throughout her day-to-day experiences of becoming comfortable in this entirely different milieu, Taylor has not ceased to be amazed at how much she enjoys the freedom of being open about her identity and having a community she can call home.

Questioning My Own Identity When Roy first came out as transgender with plans to undergo a gender transition, Taylor began wondering what this would mean for her in terms of her own identity. For the past 27 years, she considered herself heterosexual, in a “straight” marriage. However, Taylor could not help questioning her own identity as well in this situation. She painstakingly pondered various terms and labels she had applied to herself over the years and wondered what her spouse’s transition would mean about her. The following excerpt depicts Taylor’s experience of this process.

I went through a period of questioning like, “Am I really straight?” and “Maybe I’m bi. I don’t know.” I believe in that gender spectrum and I believe that people can shift on it. So, I believe I had to make the choice to shift on it. And there was a period of time where even I was having fun cross-dressing for Halloween parties and things like that. You know, and so then my therapist goes, “Well, you know, maybe you’re transgendered.” And I said, “You know, I don’t really need to be a guy. I don’t think so. I just have fun with it.” So, that’s what a lot of people go through—a lot of questioning as to who they really are. [chuckles] Yeah, I wonder, “Why am I staying? What’s wrong with me?” [laughs] And there isn’t anything wrong. You know, it’s just because you love the person. There isn’t anything wrong.

The insight gained from taking time to examine the ways in which she has identified herself has been crucial for Taylor. She has come to believe that her identity is

174 much more flexible or fluid than she ever realized. Taylor is now in the process of discovering that identity continues to evolve throughout one’s life, a new and freeing concept for her. This idea is described well by French philosopher and feminist Simone de Beauvoir (1949) who writes, “One is not born a woman, one becomes one,” emphasizing the impact of social and cultural constructs in which women are influenced.

Does Taylor’s new perspective change the way she views her identity? Does she consider herself to be a wife, a heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual? Although she says “that no matter what my spouse does or who my spouse is, I’m still me,” the selfidentifiers or labels she uses to categorize herself have changed. At present Taylor considers her sexual orientation to be “hetero-flexible” and her relationship status a transspouse. Although Taylor is much more open to change in others and herself than she ever was, she acknowledges the evolution of one’s identity. Being comfortable with the uncertainty and fluidity of her identity rather than believing that she must identify herself rigidly and permanently is a benefit of all the work she had done. She gives an example of her experience in the following: I sometimes still feel very confused as to who or what I am and then I realize it doesn’t really matter. I’m just me, you know, and I don’t really care how people want to box me in. If they box me into my face, I kind of resent that you know, “Don’t put me in a box.” You know, “I’m not this or I’m not that. I’m just me.” “I am who I am.” And I have become this way after a lot of hard personal work and growth and I still have a lot of ways to go and I don’t know what I’ll be when I’m done, but neither do any of us.

Despite the fact that Taylor reveals feeling much freer to be herself, it is evident in her identification of herself as being “hetero-flexible” and a “trans-spouse” that there is a natural tendency to want to find specific terms by which to identify herself. She obtains interpersonal gratification by having a sense of belonging with similar others, but also has

175 the emotional satisfaction of allowing herself a resting place of sorts, signifying, even if only temporarily, that every individual, including herself, can be both similar to others and unique unto herself.

One Loss after Another At first there is a grieving period. It comes back in floods and sometimes it doesn’t take a lot if I’m feeling very vulnerable, it’s going to hit me harder. I think it’s easier for people when they have a stable marriage. There’s a lot of things that I think go into helping a marriage stay intact anyway and you need those things even more when you’re in a trans-marriage.

Taylor continues to grieve for the losses she has endured since the beginning of Simone’s transition. Saying goodbye to some of the most basic and familiar elements of herself and her daily life has been a painful process for her. For example, within the past 3 years, Taylor has relocated and obtained full-time employment outside the home, lost friends and their support, her sex life, her husband, his name and identity as she once knew it, and the income she learned to depend on before Simone’s recent employment lay off. Each one of these losses has been paramount to her experience.

After Taylor and Simone sold their home and moved, Taylor gradually began to feel the impact of what she was leaving behind. She explains by saying, I went through grief and I think the period of time that it hit the hardest was maybe when we moved here, because that was the period of time when I lost a lot but I was by myself.

Living in a completely new neighborhood without her friends, and working outside the home on a full-time basis for the first time in 15 years were other losses that Taylor tried to manage. She says, “To be honest, a lot of times, I felt like there was no

176 support.” Taylor revealed that, prior to the move she was “a stay-at-home mom” with a large degree of freedom and independence. Taylor reflects back to how her life used to be in saying, “I liked my life. It was a comfortable life!” She had no desire to undergo her own transition, yet was determined to stay with Simone and make the relationship and all its changes work. However, Taylor is the first to admit that “It’s really hard for spouses who stay to find anyone else who vaguely begins to understand.”

The isolation was nearly unbearable for Taylor when she first moved. There was no one for her to turn to, no one she could call and ask for support. She wanted to talk with other spouses who had been through similar experiences and wanted some reassurance that it is possible for couples to stay together during such a tumultuous time.

Taylor missed her friends from the old neighborhood. She missed their accessibility and the opportunity to get together with them, and with her new full-time job, she has had less time for herself as well.

One of the most intimate and personal losses for Taylor has been her husband.

She misses Roy and grieves not being able to call him by his birth name, the one by which she has referred to him since they were teenagers. The following is an excerpt of Taylor describing her experience when Roy legally changed his name to Simone.

It was hard on me. That, I think that was the hardest thing and I thought that that wouldn’t be as hard as it was, but it was. It’s like losing a piece of my spouse’s identity. It’s like its real now, it’s legal. You know, how freaky is that? So, I couldn’t even go and be a witness and it is legal. I mean, they went before the judge and you know, it’s like, I think you need two witnesses and I chose not to be either witness. And, I didn’t want to take off work, so I just went to work and I came home from work and the one person [a witness] went on. The other person was a trans-woman and came back here [home], and I just, you know, they were kind of drinking champagne and celebrating, two other trans-friends and my spouse, and I just didn’t feel like celebrating. I thought, “Why should I celebrate?

177 This isn’t something that I wanted. Why should I celebrate?” And so I kind of just went into the bedroom and had quiet time while they were out here doing whatever they were going to do. It was kind of hard because they’d [spouse’s trans-friends] come over, they want to stay overnight, the out-of-town transfriends, or in-town trans-friends for that matter, to stay until late, and they’d sit out here [living room] and talk about just that one subject, trans-stuff, and it really bored me. I thought, “Let’s talk about something else.”

Legally changing his name was solidifying for Taylor. To go from Roy to Simone through the judicial system made her spouse’s gender transition more real, more official to her. However, Taylor was angry. She wanted nothing to do with the celebration and welcoming of Simone, given she was in the midst of grieving the loss of Roy. Taylor was also angry about feeling as though her new home was being taken over by the transgender community, who seemed more comfortable there than she did at that point.

Simone’s transition was not simply something her spouse was doing; Taylor was inundated by it, and could not get away from it, even in her own home at the end of the day.

Taylor tried to cope with her loss by intellectualizing and minimizing how painful her spouse’s name change actually was for her. Albeit unconscious, she was attempting to protect herself from feeling the sadness of losing her husband. Taylor not only tried to talk herself into feeling hopeful about all the changes she had been experiencing, she contradicted herself as well. The following excerpt illustrates this defense in action: So, I can’t really say that it was loss because I gained a happy spouse. I looked at it like this, I was going to lose him no matter what, one way or another, I would have lost him. And so this was by far the best choice for both of us, and I’m just looking forward from that. I mean, you can’t look back and cry about things that were and could have been—dreams are lost because life is like that. You might dream something in one period of your life but and then it just turns all of a sudden and your life goes a totally different way than you imagined.

178 Notice that Taylor refers to her spouse’s happiness, not hers. She seems to defend against her pain by denying the loss that she may actually feel, particularly when it comes to reflecting back on her life before the transition. Taylor refers to this life altering transition as though it is nothing; however, she is really telling herself that she cannot afford to think about the past because it will evoke tears.

Without intending to, Taylor acknowledges how quickly her life was disrupted, and how deeply the disappointment and loss of many of her dreams has affected her. She negates the hopes she had for her future and forges ahead without a second thought. Yet, most likely her life would have been very different from what it is now and will be in the future. At this point, though, it may be too overwhelming for Taylor to give much thought to.

Although it is understandable that Taylor would feel compelled to try to talk herself into feeling better, perhaps she does not actually believe what she is saying. This is apparent later, when she acknowledges a more vulnerable aspect of herself that is not so defended. Taylor admits that, it created like a rift between my emotional and my intellectual self. Intellectually, I knew what I was doing. Emotionally, I’m like freaking out. [laughs] Its like, “Oh my God! I can’t belief this!” You know, it was, “Are we nuts?” You know, and it would make me feel depressed and [I would] have a hard time emotionally with all of it because it was going fast.

It seems evident here, that Taylor is revealing more about her anxiety pertaining to Simone’s transition and its meaning to her. She expresses that the transition is occurring much too fast for her, and that she just wants Simone to slow down and give her some time to absorb and integrate all the changes that are taking place. Taylor explains,

179 It’s like being in a horse race at the starting gate and the bell rings and the horse just [vroom] just wants to out of that so fast. And, you know, as a wife, you’re just trying to get used to this and like “Oh my God.” You know? And once the spouse feels like, “Oh maybe my wife will be on board. She might stay with me.

Oh my God, this is so exciting.” And then they want to go even faster. So, one of the things that has been on e-mail lists is the wife feels like they’re kind of tied to this outboard motorboat, a speedboat that is going really fast over these bumps and you’re going like this [clap, clap, clap] on all the waves, just banging against them and you’re totally out of control. And that bothered me maybe more than anything that things felt totally out of my control.

It has been impossible for Taylor to process the range of emotions she has experienced as quickly as Simone’s transition is occurring. The image that Taylor portrays of being in a boat that is out of control evokes terror. She has been overwhelmed with the amount of loss that she is faced with and has felt like the best she could do sometimes was to simply try to cope. Although she fails to say this directly, it is evident that some of Taylor’s experience in losing one thing after another, including a sense of control, has been extremely frightening.

Taylor has also lost the familiarity of her sexual experience with Roy. She not only misses the changes in her sex life since the beginning of hormone treatment but she also misses her spouse’s genitalia. Taylor explains by saying, I miss the penis. I mean, once they start taking hormones they become impotent, most of them. Most of them, at least the ones I’ve talked to. I mean, it just doesn’t work as well anymore.

It seems difficult for Taylor to talk about her own personal experience. Instead she shifts into making generalizations about spouses’ experience, rather than referring to her own experience with Simone. It is also possible that Taylor may be using the term, “they” to avoid saying “he” or “she.” Rather than make a mistake and risk being perceived as disrespectful, Taylor uses the term “spouse” and “they.” Even when

180 referring to Roy, she says “my spouse: rather than “my husband.” One can see how confusing the terminology might be for a non-transitioning spouse, such as Taylor.

Following Simone’s genital surgery, Taylor anxiously acknowledges another loss.

She has no idea what to expect in thinking about what their sexual experience might be like, once Simone has fully recovered. However, she does know that her sex life has changed forever. Taylor says, “Yeah, I don’t really know what it’s going to be like. You know, I’m trying to prepare myself, but I don’t really know.”

What she does know is that she no longer feels the sense of freedom and safety to interact with her spouse in public that comes with having a heterosexual status. She describes a loss of social safety she had with Roy that she does not have with Simone, something she has never had to give any thought to until now. She explains in the following: I mean, there are people that are very open about being trans. I mean, my spouse is not, you know, secretive about it but is not going to stand up at a restaurant and announce loudly, “Hey everyone, I’m trans!” You know, she’s going to try to pass or fit in. And so then, we are seen as two women. Now we can pretend we’re just girlfriends out. I still have a no touching rule in public unless I know that I’m in an environment where we’re safe.

The grief for all that she used to have still comes up in waves and then recedes, always reminding her of how different life is now. Taylor says, “I was feeling the sense of loss of things that I really enjoyed from, you know, when we were raising the kids together, losing him. Then it was losing sex as I knew it.”

Their household income has been greatly reduced since Simone’s gender transition as well. Although Taylor did not go into great detail about this, she did indicate that Simone has just recently been laid off work and that she [Taylor] was working full-

181 time for the first time in years. She explained that Simone was on medical leave to have her genital surgery and immediately upon her return home she was asked to come into the office to meet with her supervisor. Although there is no proof that Simone’s lay off was related to her transition, it is highly likely, given that she had been with the same company for years and was considered one of the senior personnel on staff.

Consequently, Taylor is learning to live on less income and adjusting to another unanticipated loss. She explains, I went through all the stages of grief I’d say, and back again, and you know, then the waves would hit at the least expected time, so you know, keep in mind I’ve had years to, like, work through this. I’ve done a lot of work. [chuckles] Taylor has done much work, but her ability to persevere through the emotional upheaval that comes with so much loss at such a rapid pace takes much more than work.

Her resilience is the special quality which shines through, defining Taylor most clearly, highlighting her commitment to changing her life in order to stay with Simone.

182 Repetition, Resolution, and Rejuvenation Perhaps the most beneficial outcome of Simone’s gender transition for Taylor is twofold. The opportunity to both re-experience and, resolve a longstanding childhood issue with her father, unexpectedly resulted in a much more authentic relationship with Simone, which makes her very proud. Taylor’s faith in the value of openness and honesty has been restored. She has worked diligently to create a different outcome in her nuclear family than the one she experienced in her family of origin. She was not going to repeat in her own family, the experiences of growing up with her father’s secret and feeling his shame. She explains that, When I was in grade school, about 8 or 9, I saw my father cross-dressed in our basement. It’s a secret I held all by myself all these years and he didn’t know what it was, I didn’t know what it was. The kids kind of made fun of him because they said he was gay because of the way he looked but he was closeted and very shamed and he kind of passed that on to me, so it took a while to kind of get over that the last few years. But it was real interesting when we finally came out [Simone being transgender] to my parents as an aside. My dad came out [as transgender too], which is real interesting. [He came out to us], my mom and to my sister.

The power of Taylor’s unconscious is evident here. She describes the repetition compulsion, whereby an experience that has occurred in childhood gets repeated later in life in an attempt to gain mastery over it (Freud, 1920/1955). However, it is important to note that Taylor did not consciously marry a man who would repeat her early experience with her father. She does, however, say with humor, that she married a man to whom she was attracted because of “the newness of exploring and discovering things together. [pause] And, boy that just hasn’t changed has it? [laughs]”

183 Perhaps Taylor has been unconsciously compelled to create another opportunity whereby she could, as an adult, work through her early experience and feel proud instead of ashamed of her love object. Simone’s gender transition has been healing for Taylor in that her father put his experience into words by admitting that he, too, is transgender.

Unfortunately, in a similar way as her father, Taylor describes how tortured Roy (pre-transition) was about his identity. She explains that, He was able to fight it down for many years but there just came to be a point where he just sat on the floor of the shower and cried and wanted to kill himself.

He just couldn’t live a lie anymore. Being authentic was really important and it’s always been important to both of us. You know, I want to have my self-esteem intact by being an authentic person, not pretending to be someone who I’m not, and you know maybe that’s why I don’t care so much about coming out in public anymore because I want to be authentic. It’s like, “This is who I love!”

Because Taylor kept her father’s secret for all those years and felt shameful about it, she was determined that when Roy came out as transgender, she was not going to repeat the same cycle of shame within her nuclear family. However, her father and Roy were not the only ones haunted by a secret; Taylor also wrestled with ghosts from her past. In the following excerpt she explains that Because of those early experiences, I swore to myself after I found out my spouse was transgender that would never happen in [our] house. I would never make my kids feel ashamed of who we are or present their father as a shameful object. I was never going to do that because I knew how I felt holding that secret and, you know, the shame the other kids made me feel even though they didn’t know my dad was transgender at all, but you know because he sat with his legs crosslegged, they always joked about him being gay. And it was always a popular thing in the 60s even then. I mean kids now even say “you’re gay” you know when they’re cutting one another down in high school, but back then they really did. It was you know kind of a shameful thing to have any kind of diversity like that. So, I had to kind of grow up with that and I just wanted to move as far away from it as I could. I did not intentionally seek it out in any way shape or form. And my husband was really good at hiding it. He shoved it down real deep. So I had no idea.

184 Granted, Taylor was not conscious of recreating a painful situation for herself, but was finally able to do what she only wished she could do as a child, “move as far away from” the possibility of being shamed. Taylor made a conscious decision to, literally, move out of her neighborhood when Simone came out as transgender, in order to alleviate any potential trouble from her neighbors. She did not want to risk the neighbors gossiping about her spouse the way her peers gossiped about her father.

Taylor’s talking to her parents about Simone’s plans to undergo a gender transition led her father to acknowledge that he was also transgender. She felt an enormous relief and validation in hearing her father finally put words to something that had felt so confusing to her for so long. Taylor explains how her experience with her father influenced her: I didn’t like my father very well because of the secret I had to keep for him and he treated that with shame. Well, that is one reason why I think I’m so accepting now because, you know, I didn’t know what it was. I don’t think he knew what it was but he treated it with shame and said he was in clothes he didn’t think he should be in and I was the only one holding that secret. You know, everything back then, you don’t talk about stuff. You just let it go. And, I sensed and I saw lots of frustrations on his part and I think it’s because he wasn’t happy with who he was.

I’m guessing. I mean, people didn’t go in for therapy back then, so I don’t know.

But, you know, there was underlying tension there. He asked me not to tell. You know, I think it was understood it was to be a secret and, you know, so he basically said “I’m in clothes I shouldn’t be in.” You know, there’s a lot of shame.

He was raised Baptist. There was a lot of shame in that, similarly to being raised Catholic I understand. You know, when I found out my husband was a crossdresser, I was determined not to have my husband feel the same way, because I saw what that put my father through. I disagreed with a lot of the way that I was raised. I disagreed with a lot of real religious stuff going on when I was raised and, you know, I guess my adult rebellion was to go to the most liberal church I could find in the [chuckles] area.

Taylor seems to contradict herself when she says she was “determined” not to repeat the shameful secret as an adult upon first discovering that Roy (pre-transition) was

185 a cross-dresser. She actually did what she most likely did as a child, compartmentalizing the idea that the man in her life was secretly wearing women’s clothing. Earlier in the interviews, Taylor revealed that prior to Roy (pre-transition) coming out as transgender, she “compartmentalized all the cross-dressing stuff.” Compartmentalization is a primitive, yet intellectual defense, similar to that of dissociation, whereby a person wards off shame, anxiety, or confusion in an attempt to tolerate two conflicting ideas, beliefs, or behaviors (McWilliams, 1994). When her spouse came out as transgender, however, Taylor decided that, rather than maintain the secret and risk divorce, she would take this opportunity to do something different, something that would rid her of the shame she had been living with all those years.

Taylor also wanted to stop the cycle of shame because she did not want to pass it on to her children. She was determined to stop shouldering her father’s secret, and, more recently, that of her spouse and so she has put much effort into making her relationship work with Simone and her children. She explains, I like living an honest life now. This is why this is so much better. I like being open with people and not having a horrible secret that I don’t want anyone to know. I would never go back to the way it was when I was a little girl. Never!

And having to hold that secret for years made me feel really angry at my father and I swore my kids would never have to do that.

Although it may seem like Taylor is talking about her children, she is actually describing her own experience, or rather, her feelings about her experience. She unleashes some of her frustration of feeling as though her father’s secret held her captive.

You know, kids are not stupid. That’s my main thing. I was a transgender person’s kid. I knew! For God’s sake, they know! Don’t think you’re hiding anything! Kids see everything! You know? And it’s just better to be open and not have that shame quotient. For God’s sake! Just treat it as normal!

186 The rejuvenation of Taylor’s relationship with Simone and her concerted effort toward resolving rather than repeating her childhood issues with her father have been key to her sense of fulfillment at present. She has learned to be more flexible, open, nonjudgmental, curious, and playful as part of her healing process with both her father and her spouse. She had no idea of what she was getting into when she made a conscious decision to stay with Simone. However, by allowing herself to be curious about all the unknowns and continually maintaining a sense of humor, Taylor has reaped many benefits. She explains some of her process in the following: What you have to decide, whether I love this person enough to stay with them because it’s really hard. You go through hell when you’re a partner. That’s why it’s so hard. You have to make choices every step of the way, conscientious choices. “If I do this, then this will happen. If I do this, then that will happen.

What do I do? I don’t really want this to happen but I love that person, so I need to change too.” And I think the reason a lot of divorces happen is that somebody digs their heels in and they are unwilling to change or to come in the middle, and be flexible. I know our early problems resulted when we both were being very rigid. And so, we went to a therapist to try to help us be a little bit more flexible . . . both of us. And it took both of us, not just one or the other.

According to Taylor, she is simply doing what she vowed to do the day she married her spouse. Her love and devotion to Simone has been evident throughout each interview, despite the fact that she has clearly persevered through trying times. The couple’s bond has been strengthened as a result of all the hard work Taylor has devoted to healing from her primary relationship, and thus allowing for a more meaningful marriage. She conveys feeling like she has been given a second chance with her spouse, and explains, We love each other. And we’re friends. [pause] And I’ve often told my spouse, “I don’t want to be one of those transgender couples that keep separate bedrooms or acts like sisters.” I refuse to live like that. I want my marriage to be passionate,

187 because I’m a passionate person and we do, we have that. You know, not everything is a bed of roses. We get angry at one another. We love one another.

Another essential piece to revitalizing Taylor’s relationship has been to be playful and open to all kinds of possibilities. She does not try to adapt to a specific gender role or abide by some preconceived notion about how to think or behave but rather enjoys the fluidity of being and doing whatever she wants at any given moment. An example of this is illustrated in the following excerpt: And it doesn’t matter that my spouse might like me to be more boy-like. Maybe that might make her feel more girl-like. That doesn’t matter. We both realize we love one another and we flex and change with one another. So, that is what works for us. And not being threatened by what the other person decides to do or who they decide to be and the same with, like, in the bedroom. You know, there’s jokes about who’s the top and who’s the bottom in relationships and especially in same-sex relationships, and it’s like, I think we’re equal, you know? I don’t know yet. My spouse has just not discovered her changed self yet. [chuckles] I haven’t even seen her after surgery yet, so I don’t know what that’s going to be like. It will be interesting.

As she indicated earlier, Taylor has clearly taken great strides toward normalizing the changes in her lifestyle. She conveys a strong belief that, if she were to feel shameful about having a transgender spouse, it would be giving others permission to shame her.

She provides a glimpse into one of the things that has made her not waver in her decision to stay with Simone in the following: I just feel like my road has been made a lot easier because I have a nice spouse.

He was nice to start with and helpful and she’s nice now. She’s not selfish. She’s very giving. She’s very sweet. She’s very maternal and she takes care of me. So, it just kind of all turned out the way it was supposed to, I guess.

Although it has taken several years to get to this point, Taylor identifies all the gains that she has experienced as a result of Simone’s gender transition as far outweighing the losses. She embraces a much more colorful life now, and is surrounded

188 by the kind of diversity that would have been humiliating in the past. Being able to process the shame from her childhood and achieve a sense of resolution with both her father and her spouse has been more than she could have ever hoped for in her life. But truly, the ultimate reward for Taylor has been to have her spouse back, albeit in a different body. Taylor feels more alive in her marriage than ever before.

Subject 6: The Case of Kennedy Identifying Information Kennedy is a tall, slender 63-year-old Caucasian woman with shoulder length, curly light brown hair. She presents as being emotionally detached with minimal displays of affect, while exuding an overwhelming degree of sadness. Although Kennedy is pleasant and comfortable to be with, her sadness fills the room. She is the “wife” of her MTF transgender “husband,”19 whom she refers to as both Ian and Jewel. They have been married for 42 years and have two adult children and three grandchildren.

In November 2004, Ian, the “guy” (pre-transition) with whom Kennedy was looking forward to retirement, told her he had “feelings of being more female than male.”

Initially, Ian identified as being a cross-dresser, only to discover later that he felt he was, in fact, transgender. He started taking hormones, and by the end of 2005, Ian was injecting silicone into his chest and doing psychotherapy. It was not until 2006 that Ian started dressing in women’s clothing and asked that Kennedy refer to him as Jewel when

19

The terms wife and husband as well as the pronouns used here are the ones Kennedy uses to describe herself and her relationship.

189 he dressed in women’s attire and presented in the feminine. During this time, Jewel sought support from a well-known organization for cross-dressers, and in September 2006 Kennedy attended her first transgender partners’ support group. By December 2007, Jewel expressed a need to transition to being female full-time, and by the spring of 2008, she had begun facial electrolysis procedures, liposuction, and had purchased a wig. Both Kennedy and Jewel attended their first transgender conference that same year and made plans for a trial vacation together as two women in March 2009. According to Kennedy, her experience on the vacation would be the determining factor of whether she could remain in the marriage with Jewel.

Kennedy’s Experience of Jewel’s Gender Transition Kennedy recalls in 2004, when Ian first told her about his “feelings of being more female than male,” explaining to her that “he didn’t know what was going on,” she had been questioning him about secretly spending time with a female employee. According to Kennedy, Ian explained that his relationship with this younger woman was strictly a friendship and nothing more. Given that this confrontation and disclosure occurred midweek late in the day, they agreed to talk more about it when they had more time during the upcoming weekend. However, one of Ian’s sisters fell ill suddenly and died abruptly. Kennedy and Ian immediately traveled to be with family that weekend.

Kennedy explains that because of this unexpected loss in the family and the grief associated with the loss, Ian’s gender issues “kind of got tabled.” She admitted that she

190 “wasn’t really bringing it up” even though “there’d be a few things said here and there and it just got pretty much tabled for almost the whole year.”

As Kennedy reflects back to 2005, when the topic of Ian’s gender confusion resurfaced, she recalls his talking with her about considering the pursuit of psychotherapy at a clinic that specializes in gender identity issues. Although she was very supportive of Ian’s pursuit of psychotherapy, Kennedy had no idea that this event would eventually lead to her own participation, requiring a commitment of her time as well.

Just One More Strange Thing Initially, Kennedy seemed somewhat removed from Ian and his gender confusion; over time, though, it was clear that she was angry with him. She explains that at first she just thought that Ian’s gender identity issue “was just one more, strange thing” that he was doing, one in of a series of many over their years together. For example, in 1975 Ian returned home from business travel and presented the first of numerous tattoos that would follow over the course of the next 15 years. Again in 2003, he arrived home from business travel abroad only to tell Kennedy that he had undergone silicone injections in his penis and testicles. Both of these incidents were carried out without any mutual conversation about his desire to alter his body in these ways, particularly given that the silicone injections had a significant impact on both their sex life and social life. She describes Ian’s gender identity confusion as something that simply exacerbated several longstanding marital problems.

191 Kennedy brings herself back to the more immediate issue by acknowledging her conflict of being angry and frustrated with Ian, while at the same time loving him and making a conscious effort to be supportive. So much happened within that first year of their relationship that although Kennedy expresses relief about Ian in saying that “he wasn’t dressing [in women’s clothing] or anything” yet, she divulges suffering another blow to her relationship when he told her he had a sexual relationship in 1993 with a woman he had met on the Internet. At this point, Kennedy did not know how much more she could tolerate. Before long, she began seeing her own psychotherapist in conjunction with doing couples work with Ian and his psychotherapist. She admits that had it not been for therapy, they would not be together at present.

The secrets that Ian kept from Kennedy continued to be exposed, along with the diminishing trust she retained in him at this point. Ian had been taking hormones that he had purchased over the Internet for the past year, and because he was given an ultimatum at the clinic to either stop taking them or end his treatment, Kennedy found out about it.

Consequently, Ian chose to stop taking hormones that were not prescribed or monitored by a professional.

At this point, Ian began to seek support via the Internet in conjunction with the support he was getting from the clinic and discovered there was a support group very close to his home. As it turned out, the support group was for cross-dressers, and so it was at that point “when he first started dressing [as a female].” During this same time (2006), Ian began to identify himself as Jewel when dressed in women’s clothing.

192 It was through the group of cross-dressers that Ian obtained a contact name for Kennedy in hopes of finding a spouse with whom she could identify. Upon contacting this spouse, Kennedy found herself grateful for having another married woman to talk to, given that she, too, was going through some very similar experiences. Kennedy heard about how this woman’s husband thought he was a cross-dresser, until he later realized he was transgender and needed to transition from MTF. While Kennedy was pursuing her new friendship, Ian also discovered that he, too, was transgender, and not just a cross-dresser. Kennedy explains that Ian, figured out what was really going on, you know, when he was in counseling and everything. Then of course he wished he didn’t have the tattoos, he wished he hadn’t done the silicone, so he started looking into surgery to have it removed.

In the meantime, Kennedy had started attending a trans-spouse’s support group that her friend had initiated. Although this group was short lived, Kennedy found it helpful to hear other spouses’ stories.

In February 2007, Ian underwent surgery to remove the silicone from his penis and testicles, and within less than six months, he began a gradual gender transition.

However, Ian was not living as a female on a full-time basis. He was only identifying as female when out with other transgender people and when he would drive into the city to attend psychotherapy sessions.

Kennedy reveals that although she did not seek out literature on transgender people or trans-spouses, she was open to whatever Ian found and presented to her. Two of the books that Ian brought home and read together are titled, My Husband Betty and She’s Not There. Not “being one to get on [the Internet] and search for things” pertaining to transgender people or the spouses of transgender people, Kennedy admits that

193 maybe part of it is that I’m just trying to ignore it. I don’t know but I’m so busy otherwise and busy with things that are my interests. I mean, this has kind of become something that’s all consuming. You know, it just seems to completely take over your life and so you know I get to a point where I’ve had enough.

However, Kennedy continues to plod along, sometimes having enough energy to be supportive of Ian and other times not. She was not only attending individual and couples therapy and a trans-spouse’s support group, but she also joined her spouse to attend a transgender conference.

Effects of Physical and Emotional Changes In 2007, as Ian began taking steps to transition from male to female, Kennedy noticed several physical and emotional changes. She explains that, over the course of about 8 months, Ian had undergone liposuction, was prescribed Estraderm in the form of a patch, spironolactone, a pill that is commonly used for female pattern baldness, and “he’s had some facial electrolysis but he never had a lot of hair anyway.” She goes on to further explain that, because, he’s got male pattern baldness. He has to wear a wig when he goes out. He has less hair and what he has is finer. The skin is softer. He has decreased muscle mass. That would also be part of that could be with age also, you know. And his, what fat he has is redistributed. You know, he’s got more on his hips now and more of a waist.

Kennedy adds that Ian, “says there’s increased breast sensitivity” because “of course there’s more breast tissue.” She is referring to Ian having silicone injected into his chest as part of the gender transition.

194 In addition to the physical transformation Kennedy has been observing, she also cannot help but see how much Ian is changing emotionally. For example, “He’s more emotional. He’s more at peace with himself but that’s probably also because of figuring stuff out, happier, more even tempered, more at ease.”

Kennedy also believes that Ian’s “personality is a little bit different,” like in a counseling session, whether he’s dressed as a male or a female. He’s much more assertive if he’s dressed as a male. And his old personality more comes out. Yeah, it’s very interesting to see. Um, [pause] there’s certain things about him that you know I see even when we’re just alone that are more feminine than there was before. [For example], sometimes the way he’ll say things or the way he smiles, he’ll just have this look that is not the typical look that I’m used to.

Kennedy struggles as well with the issue of Ian dressing as a female, identifying as Jewel. She explains that He’s more girly than I am! which [chuckles] is kind of frustrating at times. You know, he’ll want to wear all these bracelets and you know jewelry and stuff. Oh, I just think sometimes he kind of goes overboard on it. And he’ll always ask, I mean he asks me a lot my opinion on what he wears, you know, if I think this is going to look good or not and things like that. So, he’s always asking about that, does this go with this and everything. [And] he’s probably bought more makeup through the years than I have. I mean, just in these few years, he’s probably bought more makeup and different kinds of makeup, because there for a while someone would tell him, “Oh, this is the greatest thing.” So, he’d have to buy that and then someone would tell him about something else, and he’d have to buy that.

You know? So, he was wearing more makeup. And like today, he’s got, I think, too much eye makeup on [chuckles].

Jewel has placed so much emphasis on learning how to dress and act like a woman over the past few years that Kennedy has become accustomed to it. She talks about the life of transgender people she has come to know, including Jewel, and explains, “They’re all consumed by all this and it’s new and so they just tend to get consumed by it.”

195 Although Kennedy is trying to be as supportive as she can of Jewel, there are some limits. For example, if they want to be sexual, Kennedy has been adamant about Ian being in “male mode” in order for this to happen. She explains by saying, “I’m not interested, like [Ian] says, “You love [Ian] but you don’t love [Jewel].” You know. And that’s very true.

Kennedy has also asked that Ian not dress as Jewel in the rural town where they reside. She explains further in the following excerpt: And at this point, I’ve asked him not to dress in [our hometown] and like I won’t, if he is like going to [a neighboring town] to have dinner with somebody, I won’t go along because I think if he’s with me it would be figured out. You know, but if he is not with me I think he can pass [as a woman].

Shift in Social Life Although Kennedy acknowledged a shift in her social life, she admits that changes actually began taking place before Ian’s gender transition. Both she and Ian spent less time with friends, because things “changed when he got the silicone” injected into his genitals. Kennedy expounds by saying, I was embarrassed by it. A lot of friends we didn’t do things with because I was embarrassed by it. You know, and it was one of those things, once you noticed it [and] then you really noticed it!

However, Ian and Kennedy’s social life has changed in other ways as well. They have spent less time with longtime friends and initiated more contact with new friends.

These changes have been primarily based on both Kennedy’s embarrassment about her husband’s gender transformation and also the way in which their friends, family, and

196 colleagues have found out. Despite the fact that, from the beginning, Kennedy has repeatedly asked Ian to put off telling close friends and colleagues about his plans to undergo a gender transition, her requests have been continually disregarded. There have been numerous times when Kennedy has discovered, after the fact, that Ian disclosed to their friends and colleagues that he is transgender. The following illustrates Kennedy’s experience after returning home with Ian from a visit with another couple they have known for years: So then after we got home, [Ian] was at, we were at work and he left me this letter telling me that he had told [our friend, Mac] when we were down [there], which was very upsetting to me because you know this is my, you know, [his wife, Helen] is my best friend down there and it was very upsetting to me that he had once again done something just on his own.

Kennedy was particularly upset about this situation, given that Mac and Helen are a couple that they have known for so long that their “kids had grown up together.”

Kennedy’s primary concern was not that she felt deceived by Ian, but that their son and daughter might find out from Mac and Helen’s kids, rather than from their own parents, that their dad is transgender.

Even though it appeared like the friendship between both couples was going to be able to withstand any discomfort with Ian being transgender, this was not the case.

Following the next visit with Mac and Helen, about a year later, Ian heard from Mac. He “sent [Ian] this letter that said, “You know, you just don’t meet my male needs anymore,” which “was kind of a shock” to both Ian and Kennedy. Kennedy further explains that this “was a real surprise because [Mac] always tries to seem to be real open to everything.”

However, the friendship has not been the same since.

197 Ian and Kennedy’s social life has been greatly impacted by Ian’s revelation of his transition, because they work for the same organization, although in different departments. At some point during one of their couples’ therapy sessions, while discussing how deceived Kennedy was feeling, Ian, admitted that he had told the [Human Resources] Department what was going on.

You know, so here once again, same old patterns, you know. And so we had a, of course I was upset about that and you know, I work at the same place.

The betrayal Kennedy felt continued to build. It was as though nearly every area of her life was being bombarded with the effects of Ian’s transition. She could no longer ignore the reality of his transformation or its impact on her.

Feeling like she had no option other than to openly acknowledge Ian’s transition with friends and family, Kennedy gradually and reluctantly began to reveal having a MTF husband to one person at a time. She was anxious about others asking her questions that she could not answer herself, given that she, herself, did not fully understand what was going on. The following conveys how Kennedy would have much rather put her head in the sand, with the hope that Ian’s gender identity issues might simply vanish.

And so you know, he proceeded to tell people and it was getting around and [pause] I hadn’t told anybody. You know, no friends or anything and [pause and voice cracks] the only person I told in the spring when I went for my annual examination, I told my nurse practitioner whom I’ve been friends with for a long time and served on different committees [together].

It was as though, by telling her nurse practitioner, Kennedy wanted to see whether she would be able to talk about Ian’s transition with others.

Nearly 6 months later, Kennedy explains that her neighbor, colleague, and good friend asked to get together because,

198 she had heard things last spring and didn’t want to say anything and then she just finally decided that she would just ask me, so I was down there [at her house] until like 11 o’clock last night and we were talking [voice breaks].

Looking for a Way to Stay Kennedy is “looking for a way [to] stay together.” She explains that particularly “with the economic situation [at present], it’s even a bigger reason” to figure out how she and Ian can remain coupled. Kennedy reveals that she and Ian had to take out a home equity line of credit loan to pay the cost ($20,000) of surgery to have the silicone removed, not to mention the expense of liposuction, ongoing facial electrolysis treatments, an entirely new wardrobe, jewelry, and cosmetics. She says, “We’re retirement [age] and now I have all this stuff going on and losing all this money and everything.” Kennedy is torn between the fantasy of refusing to give up the man she loves and keeping her home while pursuing the type of retirement she had always imagined and the reality of grieving the loss of Ian, her home as she now knows it, and the lifestyle she had hoped for in her retirement years. Kennedy describes her dilemma in the following excerpt: You know, it’s a different perspective and a lot harder to do two households than you know doing one. But it’s hard because I can’t see myself going down and playing golf where we’ve always played golf or, you know, going out with him as a female in [our hometown]. I can’t see doing that, you know.

As of October 2008 Kennedy was still in shock and could not quite believe that her husband is transitioning from male to female. However, she is pushing herself to put one foot in front of the other as she anticipates the talk that she and Ian will have with

199 their adult children in November 2008. One of the biggest challenges for Kennedy up to this point has been to face head on the changes taking place in her life. The following conveys her honest acknowledgement of her overall experience as the wife of a MTF transgender spouse: It’s hard. I don’t like it. I don’t feel like I’m going to have a panic attack anymore. [chuckles] I mean, I’ve never had a panic attack in my life but when it first was happening, you know, I didn’t know I could handle it at all. So now I don’t feel that way but it’s hard. Yeah, it’s difficult to see him that way. You know, because it’s not what I want.

Categories of Meaning Exposed by a Scandal Kennedy’s personal struggles have been exposed because of the scandal about Jewel’s gender transition. Her neighbors, colleagues, friends, and family have begun to ask her questions that not only does she not want to answer but is “pretty much just trying to ignore.” Being asked questions about her “husband’s” transition is déjà vu for Kennedy. She explains this experience by reflecting back to the time when Ian had his body tattooed from his shoulders to his thighs, saying “anyone who found out about it, they didn’t ask him about it, they’d ask me! You know, ‘Well, why does [Ian] have these tattoos?’” And when his family found out, it was like, “‘Well why does [Ian] have?’ you know, asking me. It’s like, ‘I can’t explain it! I don’t understand it!’” Kennedy is “angry” and “frustrated” with having to relive this experience again, only with a more difficult issue.

200 She has always been a very private person, not one to openly discuss personal couple matters with others. However, when her friend approached her, she could no longer avoid the inevitable—talking about her husband’s gender transition. Kennedy explains that, my best friend here asked me what was going on with [Ian} because she had heard some things and she wanted to know, you know, because if it wasn’t true, then she could, you know, say. So, that’s the first I knew that it was [voice breaks] out in the community.

Kennedy has felt increasingly exposed and vulnerable within her circle of community and family. The image she has portrayed to others of herself and her marriage is now threatened because not only is she being faced with the ability to maintain her accustomed degree of privacy but her defenses—denying and avoiding significant incidents in her marriage—are being compromised. In feeling overwhelmed by the thought of being the talk of town, Kennedy explains: It’s kind of one of those things that jokes are made of and I think about the things that people will be saying, you know, behind our backs and things and you know, like the hardest [voice breaks], it’s going to be hard in the neighborhood, you know, having him coming [out] around town.

Kennedy’s anxiety pertaining to rumors about the transition is not strictly based on her inability to answer questions, but more specifically, her wish not to discuss her husband’s transition at all. Jewel’s gender transition has put Kennedy in a position that illuminates her lifelong mastery of the defense of avoidance. She admits this by saying, “through everything that happened through the years, I was never one to talk to people about it.” However, in this case, she can no longer avoid the obvious; there is no way for her to conceal something as observable as her husband’s gender transition.

201 Furthermore, it is important to acknowledge that not only does Kennedy defend against sharing her innermost feelings but she does not allow herself to think about and absorb significant experiences. In considering some of the possibilities as to why she has depended on avoidance of difficult material, the following excerpt reveals some insight: When my dad died, my mother at one point said to me, she said, “You know, you never talk about your father. It’s like he wasn’t even here.” And what I thought I was doing, I thought I was protecting her because at that point, I was saying, “Well, I don’t want to bring him up because if she’s not thinking about him, that’ll make her think about him.” Well, I mean, that was naïve. Of course she was thinking about him. But I was so glad she said that to me because then, you know, I would bring him up. But that was even unusual for her to even say that, to bring that up to me. But I’ve often, I’ve always remembered that and I often look back on that and think how good that was of her to express that because I thought I was protecting her. You know, and she was looking at it totally different.

Kennedy implies that she projects the need to be protected onto others. One might imagine then, that by avoiding talking about Jewel’s gender transition, she tells herself that she is protecting Jewel. However, she actually seems to be trying to protect herself from a number of things: being ridiculed by others’ scandalous gossip; acknowledging the reality of disappointment in her husband, herself, and her marriage; and feeling a tremendous loss in the lack of closeness and intimacy that may ultimately activate the unraveling of years of sadness.

One way Kennedy protects herself from the reality of multiple disappointments is by convincing herself that she is not surprised, shocked, or upset by what she hears.

Instead, she conveys apathy. For example, when Ian confessed to betraying Kennedy by telling people about his gender transition, despite the fact that she specifically asked him not to, or when he admitted to being unfaithful more than ten years ago, her response was,

202 I mean, it’s amazing. You know, I said to him one time, I said, “You know, it’s amazing I even trust you to go out the door.” [chuckles] Because I don’t know, I kind of always knew what was going on or felt I did and so it wasn’t like I was home worried about it or anything, but I was naïve in thinking it’s not always the same pattern. It would just be something different but there’d be something that we never, it was never, there was never coasting. [chuckles] Kennedy’s nonchalant response to her husband’s betrayal may be due to her feelings of being overwhelmed by his use of the gender transition as a platform for a confessional. In other words, the continuous unraveling of his indiscretions seem to be self-serving rather than a thoughtful attempt at repairing the damage done to their relationship. However, as long as Kennedy continues to minimize the impact of her husband’s behavior, she continues to participate in maintaining the cycle of distance in their marriage. Her minimizing, denying, and avoiding is also manifest in the following example as she refers to Ian admitting that he was swinging with other couples after they decided not to pursue this: He was never good about keeping secrets and so, I would get a feeling that something was going on, so [pause]. I don’t know. It happened when he went to, he was in [Costa Rica] doing [consulting] and he hooked up with some people there.

It is plausible to consider that Kennedy may not really want to know what her husband does, particularly when he is not with her, but being the focus of small-town gossip has made it nearly impossible for her not to know his activities. She cannot continue to ignore the reality of her relationship with Ian (pre-transition). As she reflects back on their 42 years together, she appears apathetic toward him. In fact, at one point the researcher said, “You seem kind of beaten down,” to which Kennedy replied, “Oh yeah, Um-hmm. Yeah. This was, this is the time when I should be able to relax and we should

203 be able to enjoy our life.” Instead she is fraught with anxiety and a tremendous amount of denied sadness in not knowing what to expect in her future.

Although Kennedy seemed to have given up on her marriage long before Jewel’s gender transition, this decision has not been so apparent to others until now. It is unnerving for her to find herself in a position where she can no longer go through the motions of married life while keeping outsiders at bay. She struggles to break loose of her fantasy world wherein she tells herself that her relationship is fine, but Kennedy actually knows much of what she wished she did not know, even though she seems to convey a lack of energy to make any major changes at this point in her life.

Losing My Husband Kennedy is overwhelmed by the thought of losing her husband; she tries not to think about Jewel as a way to preserve Ian, the man she knows. The loss is too devastating for her to absorb and integrate psychically, yet when she does acknowledge that he is slowly and subtly slipping away, like sand from her hands, tears well up in her eyes. Kennedy appears to be holding on by a thread. In fact, Jewel’s gender transition does not even seem real to her at times. She explains that “sometimes I still don’t believe that this is actually happening.”

Vacillating back and forth between denial, anger, despair, and acceptance is what Kennedy conveys when describing how she feels about losing Ian. While in the midst of mourning her loss, she explains that even now, after several years of psychotherapy and

204 trying to be as supportive as possible, when Jewel tells her that “You love [Ian] but you don’t love [Jewel],” Kennedy admits that is “very true.”

Jewel’s gender transition has been so painful for Kennedy that she protests by refusing to participate at times. For example, she refuses to use feminine pronouns in regard to Jewel; instead she continues to refer to him as Ian. Granted, Ian has not completely transitioned, or at least has not yet presented as female on a full-time basis.

However, even when dressed as a female, Kennedy resists going along with Jewel’s request to refer to her in the feminine. Kennedy acknowledges this in the following excerpt: I for the most part don’t call him [Jewel]. When we’re at a session and he’s dressed [in women’s clothing], I try to [chuckles] but one time we were shopping and he was going to go do something and I was going some place else and I remembered I wanted to tell him something. And I went, “[Ian]!” [chuckles] And he looks around with this look, you know, I realized this as it was coming out, and I said, “Well, next time I do that, just ignore it. You know, just keep on walking.” [laughs] “You don’t know who she’s calling.” [laughs] And he, actually he could laugh about that. That surprised me and so even like, you know, when I talk to him on the phone when he’s out [of town] you know, and I know he’s dressed, but I still [voice breaks] picture him as [Ian].

There is no question about the fact that Kennedy is angry about not being able to keep the man she married 42 years ago by her side. She explains that “when you’ve been a heterosexual couple for all these years, it’s hard to deal with” the thought of being with a female. Kennedy says, It’s just hard when it’s something I don’t want and I can’t do anything about and he’s always done what he wanted to do and he’ll deal with the consequences later and that’s always been his pattern. And so, you know, that frustrates me and that’s still the way he is, as far as I’m concerned.

205 Given that Kennedy feels so powerless about Jewel’s transition, she finds any way she can to exert some sense of her own power in the relationship. For example, she sets boundaries that feel possible to her. She refers to her sex life in explaining, If he’s thinking about being close in the evening, then he can’t be sitting around as a girl, [chuckles] because it’s just not going to happen. I mean, I have to be able to think of him as a guy.

Although she is not at all interested in being with a woman, Kennedy is making a concerted effort to be supportive of Jewel. Her fantasy is that she can somehow still stay with Ian, even though she knows that Jewel will be living as a full-time female within months. Kennedy’s fantasy is apparent when she reveals that her spouse promised her that, as long as we’re together, he’s not going to have [genital] surgery. Um [pause, pause] and it’s pretty much up to me as to whether or not we stay together and I don’t know at this point what’s going to happen.

For Kennedy to actually believe her spouse will stand by her word is remarkable, given the countless times he has betrayed her. However, her desire to believe that she has omnipotent control over Jewel’s actions is understandable, given the alternative. The thought of being powerless and losing her husband causes Kennedy so much anxiety that she would rather Ian be a gay man than a female. Kennedy elucidates by saying, You know, I said to [my friend] last night, I said, “You know, it would probably be easier if he figured out he was gay or bi because then I’d still have, if we wanted to still be together, we could be, and I would still have a guy to do things with.” [chuckles] Although Kennedy laughs and makes light of what she is saying, it is clear that she is defending against being engulfed by a deep sense of despair at the thought of losing Ian. The wide range of emotion she feels is more apparent in Kennedy’s words

206 than in any actual display of affect. She suppresses what she feels rather than openly acknowledging any emotion to herself, much less anyone else.

In anticipating telling her children and grandchildren about Jewel’s gender transition, Kennedy wonders how they will feel about losing a father and a grandfather.

She describes her thinking about this by saying, “And now with telling the kids, I feel bad about what they’re going to have to go through and how it changes the family dynamics, you know, and our grandkids, so that’s very difficult for me.”

Although Kennedy seems to exude fury, once again she minimizes and fails to acknowledge it, much less express it aloud. However, Kennedy indirectly speaks to her feeling about being abandoned by Ian when she conveys an unforgettable experience when out in public not long ago. She describes feeling scared with Jewel, and, in the following excerpt, she identifies the difference between feeling a sense of security with her husband versus feeling vulnerable and threatened with Jewel: I worry like when we were [down] for the Trans Fair we were staying at a hotel and he had Price Lined in, you know, so you never know where you’re staying and they were having, I can’t remember what convention was there. I don’t know if it was Shriners or something and I’m thinking, “Oh God.” You know, because I don’t see a lot of people staring at him or anything or looking like they’re figuring things out, but you know, like he’s taller than I am and you know, I think you notice like the hands and feet and stuff and he has to wear a wig because he’s . . . he’s, you know, very thin hair on top. In fact, he’s gotten more hair on the medication since he’s been on the hormones. So you know, like the one night when we came, we were riding up on this elevator with these, I don’t know if they were Shriners but you get the idea of what kind of group and I’m thinking, “God, you know, are they going to realize that he’s guy?” I mean, I was just a nervous wreck. I couldn’t wait to get to our floor and get off. Because I feel more vulnerable when I’m out, I feel more vulnerable when I’m out with him as a female, because you’re looked at totally differently. You know, it’s a totally different thing when you’ve been used to all these years being with a guy.

207 One of the most complicated aspects of Jewel’s gender transition for Kennedy is that she has always considered herself to be, Heterosexual, a mother [who] had two children, pretty much a feminist [and] all those things are still the same, it’s just that now I have a husband who thinks he’s female, or feels he’s female and should have always been female and so it’s like, I’ve got a husband who’s more girlie than I am and that’s irritating [chuckles] you know?

According to Kennedy, she does not want to be with a woman and admits not knowing if she will be able to accept Jewel’s transition enough to remain in the relationship. In considering how she will feel when Jewel lives as female full-time, Kennedy says, “at that point, I’m not sure what I’ll be doing. But I just don’t know if I can deal with it on a day-to-day basis.”

Kennedy has been able to deal with her spouse’s gender transition so far because she does not live with Jewel, but lives with Ian, day in and day out. The only time she spends with Jewel is approximately once a week for a few hours as they drive down to their psychotherapy session, and then during the session, and on their way home.

In many ways, Kennedy’s commitment to psychotherapy has been invaluable to her. Granted, she acknowledges that psychotherapy has been difficult for her because she is not used to talking about her private life openly with others. But she conveys feeling more connected and understood by her spouse than before, and, although she does not know if she will remain with Jewel, she explains that I don’t think we’d still be together if it wasn’t for counseling because he thinks things should be going faster and I should be able to adjust to this faster and you know he totally didn’t understand the grief process that this is a big loss. So, you know, with counseling and everything, he can understand that and see it. Where otherwise he couldn’t and me saying something or someone else saying it to him, you know it’s a totally different thing to hear it from somebody else so, I think that really has helped both of us.

208 Whether Kennedy decides to stay with Jewel or leave with her memories of Ian, she has endured an extremely painful loss thus far, the devastation of losing one’s companion. However, the courage she has shown by embarking on such an unknown journey is remarkable and something she can be proud of no matter what the outcome.

Retirement Plans Revised Kennedy has experienced Jewel’s gender transition as a disruption or, at the least, a derailment of sorts to her retirement plans. Before her life began to take a turn in a direction that she could not have possibly imagined, she was looking forward to retiring with a greater sense of security and freedom. However, at this point, she does not think that this will be the case. She describes thinking about every possible outcome, from the imagined experience of spending leisure time with Jewel, to more practical concerns pertaining to their finances.

For Kennedy, part of the excitement about retiring has been the idea of spending time with Ian, doing one of the things that they enjoy most, golfing. They had planned to travel to different places, course to course, playing one leisurely game of golf after another, but that was the dream of Ian and Kennedy, not Jewel and Kennedy. At present, Kennedy cannot even envision being out on a course with Jewel, much less the one they have frequented for more than a decade now. She explains that “we belong to it’s a ninehole golf course, but I can’t picture going down there and playing golf with him as a female. You know, I just don’t picture that happening.”

209 Kennedy also worries about their financial situation, associated with several unforeseen expenses as well as tough economic times. There has been a tremendous amount of money spent on Jewel’s gender transition, and this output is not something that Kennedy foresees ending soon. She reflects back to the $20,000 surgery (having silicone removed from the genitals) that Jewel underwent after realizing she is transgender.

Kennedy explains that, two weeks before he was to have the surgery, insurance said they wouldn’t pay for it, and then [the surgeons] said he had to have the money up front before they would do the surgery. So, we had to come up with a loan.

Even though Kennedy conveys fury about the money Jewel spends on the latest women’s fashions, with accessories to match, along with the cost of hormones, electrolysis, and psychotherapy, she keeps her feelings to herself. When revealing any emotion, she uses words that capture only mildly what it feels like in the room with her, as she explains further in the following: It’s irritating to me all the money he’s spent for all this and like you know all the clothing and everything and you know, it would probably make me sick if I added it all up but you know, that bothers me [and] I don’t like the idea and I don’t see the sense in it. This is, he’s always been vain about himself and then now as a T [transgender person], I think it’s even more so. And, you know, I think, “My God, we’re 63 years old.” You know. I think it’s ridiculous to be putting money into things like this. You know, I just do, and so that bothers me.

These unforeseen expenses are not simply bothersome and irritating to Kennedy, but they frighten her and threaten her livelihood. Kennedy feels somewhat trapped, and portrays this sentiment by saying, I’m looking for a way that we can stay together and with the economic situation, it’s even a bigger reason. I mean, we’re just about retirement [age] and now I have all this stuff going on and losing all this money and everything. You know, it’s a different perspective and a lot harder to do two households than, you know, doing one.

210 The longed-for idea of being freer to do what she wants as she grows older is not becoming a reality for Kennedy. Instead, she has been feeling more constricted since Jewel’s gender transition. Kennedy elucidates further in the following excerpt: This has kind of become something that’s all-consuming. It just seems to completely take over your life and I kind of resent the time it has taken these past few years to come, for counseling. I kind of resent this biting into my free time.

Part of that is frustrating for me sometimes, because I have things that I’d, of course, rather do.

Once again, Kennedy seems to minimize how strongly she actually feels about her life being redirected, and is obviously distraught about her future. She conveys feelings of a sailor, abandoned by the captain of her ship, in the midst of a torrential storm. She has envisioned a very different picture of how her life would unfold in her later years, only to find that her future is taking an entirely different twist, one that she clearly does not want. She admits to feeling “pretty awful” about it as she explains, I don’t know what I’m going to do, you know, whether we’ll stay together or not.

It depends on how I can handle it or if I want to, but there’s part of it also that’s also the financial part and especially now with the economy. Well, I want to stay in the house. I want to keep the house and so it just makes it harder, and to be this age, at retirement age and having this all go on. You know, I mean, we still love each other and so, it’s hard but [voice breaks] I don’t know what I’ll decide.

On the contrary, Kennedy does know what she will decide. In fact, she has already made a decision not to be in a love relationship with Jewel. The relationship between the two of them will transition from a marriage couple to a friend relationship and, more than likely, a roommate situation. Kennedy acknowledges this in saying “I don’t see us down the road being anything but friends, you know. Even if we stay together [and] he’s known this for a long time.”

211 It is apparent that Kennedy and Jewel are worlds apart at this point in their life.

While Kennedy is nearing the end of the middle age, Jewel seems to be going in the opposite direction, reverting back to some semblance of adolescence. According to Erikson, Erikson, and Kivnick’s (1986, p. 299) psychosocial developmental tasks, Kennedy is right on schedule with the anticipation of being free from the discipline and demands of employment, with a primary focus on pursuing interests and contributing more time to family, friends, and community. However, Jewel seems to be revisiting an earlier conflict of identity versus role confusion in what appears to be her second attempt at achieving mastery over this stage as she deals with drawing attention toward her appearance, establishing a peer group, and building her confidence.

An enormous amount of sadness surfaces in Kennedy as she talks about not knowing what her retirement will actually be like for her. However, she does know that it will not be anything like what she had hoped for. She will miss growing old with Ian, traveling with him, playing golf with him, and just simply being able to depend on him as her husband.

The Wives’ Tales Upon close examination of the data from each case study, the researcher discovered some experiences that appear to be similar among all subjects (see Table 2), including her own countertransference. The effects of being coupled with a transgender spouse undergoing a gender transition are immense, and it is hard to do justice to the enormity of the intricacies involved in the experience. The subjects have undergone a

212 tremendous transformation of their own simply by remaining coupled; all the subjects experienced an alteration in their intrapsychic, interpersonal, social, and cultural worlds as they once knew them.

Adolescence Revisited I swear to God, if spouses can get through that teenage phase, they can get through anything.

Taylor, 2008 All six subjects have described a similar experience with their spouses, one in which the spouse, from the shared psychosocial developmental stage of adulthood with the partner, entered what resembled a phase reminiscent of adolescence. The transitioning

213 Table 2 Categories of Meaning Subject Morgan

Category of Meaning Body envy I have a great guy Anticipating rejection

Riley Forgetting herself to accommodate him Familiarity with the erratic Working through the loss Constructing a cohesive understanding Wrong body made right Charlie Self-reflective capacity impaired Object loss Challenging personal and social assumptions Reclaiming her voice Sam Making sense of a big mystery Gender essentialism Loss of visibility Somewhere in the middle A challenging loss Taylor Forgotten Acclimating to a new culture Questioning my own identity One loss after another Repetition, resolution, and rejuvenation Kennedy Exposed by a scandal Losing my husband Retirement plans revised

214 spouse’s sudden focus on their bodily changes and appearance, a shift in libido and mood, a heightened interest in socializing, and an overriding rise in narcissistic selfinvolvement, mirrored the familiarity of mothering adolescents for Charlie, Taylor, and Kennedy. Although Morgan, Riley, and Sam are not parents, they also described this experience as a type of developmental regression in their spouses. For instance, when trying to articulate her experience, Morgan referred to Lance as “a typical teenage boy,” Riley described Quentin as “insecure [and] unsatisfied with his appearance,” and Sam considered Rory’s reactions to be the equivalent of an “adolescent upheaval” that was much “like [her] nephews at age 12, 14, 16 now,” explaining that he “just looked very teenagery, without a lot of ability to self-regulate.”

The subjects’ initial response to their spouse’s adolescent-like behavior was an unconscious pulling back by withdrawing from the usual role as an active participant in the relationship. They began to emotionally distance themselves, feeling more like spectators who were observing their experience rather than actively participating in it.

Because their transitioning spouses seemed compelled to seek approval from others in an effort to solidify their new identity and establish a more self-confident and independent persona, the subjects’ degree of involvement and influence prior to the gender transition was suddenly not nearly as important to the partners. This change seems very similar to the experience between a parent and an adolescent, in that the adult’s role is typically secondary to that of peers, and yet the young person has, at some level, an awareness of a deep dependence on the primary parental relationship.

215 It is possible that the frustration of feeling like bystanders to their own relationships and having to endure the storm of “teenage” tumult has propelled the subjects into actions. It could not have been easy for Morgan when Lance expressed an interest in being sexual with others, or for Taylor when Simone was “flirting around with everybody” and even “play[ing] around sometimes.” Perhaps the fear of being excluded or losing their spouses’ interest contributed to the partners’ behaviors. They all seemed to begin identifying boundaries by voicing their opinions about acceptable behavior while simultaneously demonstrating patience, reassurance, and support. In fact, their way of asserting their own power by becoming more involved may actually be one of the most critical components to remaining coupled during the gender transition.

One of the ways in which each subject seemed to reconnect with her spouse was to accentuate or share her own sense of femaleness. In other words, the FTM spouses seemed to unconsciously evoke a heightened presentation of femininity that may have served as a way of reassuring their spouses’ sense of manhood, with emphasis on the difference between maleness and femaleness in the couple. The MTF spouses, on the other hand, seemed to invoke almost a mother-daughter or sisterly type of interaction, as these subjects became more of a mentor by sharing their ways of being a woman. For example, Taylor and Kennedy encouraged their spouses to dress more conservatively so they could more easily pass as women when outside the home. Similar to FTMs, this type of support may have served to bolster their spouse’s confidence about their evolving femininity. Joslin-Roher & Wheeler (2009) confirm this idea in their study on lesbian, bisexual, and queer partners of trans men, discovering that partners were “feeling

216 responsible for the [trans] partner’s emotional well-being and the strength of his masculine identity” (p. 44). In addition, Pfeffer’s (2008) study on lesbian partners of trans men and body image, identifies a similar finding that she illustrates with one of her subjects’ quotes: “I felt that I had to over-feminize myself—that I had to always be in pink and that I had to always act very feminine and girly because I was trying to offset him and make him feel more masculine” (p. 338).

Narrative Retroactively Modified We construct knowledge by a dynamic process of self-regulation in which we try to give maximum coherence to our perceptions, feelings, and thoughts.

Tenzer (1985, para. 8) The four subjects who were coupled with FTM spouses retroactively modified their narrative about their spouse by using the post-transition masculine gender pronoun whenever referring to them or their history together. However, prior to identifying as transgender, the subjects and everyone else referred to them in the feminine, and although it is commonplace for transgender people to emphasize the importance of changing pronouns to match their changing identities, the subjects went a step further by trying to rewrite history, in a sense. In other words, the subjects spoke as though their spouses had never been a female. For example, when Charlie was referring to Abbey (pre-transition), as a child, she said, “He didn’t wear a shirt when he was little, couldn’t stand it when he started to have to wear a shirt, he was always the little boy in the sandbox, he played with trucks.”

217 What purpose might the retroactive revision of their spouse’s narrative serve for these subjects? Was this their way of attempting to integrate the drastic change in identity? It may be difficult for the subjects to comprehend that their FTM spouses are identifying as male in the present (and denying their past) when they, the spouses, had been considered female in the past. Could the subjects be unconsciously colluding with their spouses in an effort to gain mastery over an experience in which they felt powerless? In other words, might the subjects’ longing to make sense of their experience be what led them to share their spouses’ self-perceptions?

Although the answer to these questions is not clear, one might wonder if the spouse’s new narrative becomes the subject’s, and the latter may aid the partner in creating narratives, not for the purpose of a consistency with actual past experience but for a consistency with their spouse’s narrative of earlier experience. This idea may be based on the idea that transgender people must present narratives consistent with the criteria utilized for gaining acceptance of surgery (Denny, 2004) by reporting childhood experiences of having an “intense desire to participate in the stereotypical games and pastimes of the other sex,” and/or “the conviction that he or she has the typical feelings and reactions of the other sex” (American Psychiatric Association, 1994, p. 537). Tenzer (1985) suggests that, Narrative truth is plausible; it makes sense; it carries conviction; it fits. Narrative truth, we can surmise, is also hemmed in by pseudo-necessities, by what must be or must have been. It is, therefore, open to review and revision. The story lines or myths that organize a person’s life are not immutable. (para. 23) Tenzer (1985) further explains that modified narratives or “new truths are not confined to the present, [and that] present interaction influences the way the past is

218 recalled. The changed past then influences the way the present is perceived and the way the future is anticipated” (para. 21). Therefore, in order to look forward to, feel hopeful about, and imagine their future, these subjects may have felt it necessary to modify the narrative of their spouse.

Having a long and intimate primary relationship with someone for years, and then suddenly being asked to abruptly change one’s thinking about what gender the partner is, and how the partner now wants to be referred to—certainly not a simple psychological task for anyone. Retroactively cooperating in modifying their own as well as their spouse’s narrative may have also been, in part, the only way to help them and their spouse to connect the past with the present, “what Piaget calls ‘pseudo-necessities,’ a form of organizing the world to make it comprehensible and manageable at any given time” (Tenzer, 1985, para. 9). The challenge of being faced with absorbing, metabolizing, and integrating a psychological shift such as this is clearly a complicated one. The subject’s reference to the spouse’s always being male was, perhaps, a necessary part of the process in attempting to attach meaning to the experience of the gender transition.

Another possibility may be that the subject’s experience of her spouse was of the opposite gender all along, and in fact, her unconscious experience has been that her transspouse was the opposite gender long before the transition took place.

The Complications of Mourning Loss Although each subject has experienced loss of varying degrees and kinds, mourning these losses has been complicated. One of the contributing factors that seemed

219 to inhibit the subjects from mourning the loss of their love object as they once knew them was maintaining the idea that they were with the same person after the gender transition as they were before. This concept made it difficult to mourn the most fundamental loss, their spouse’s pre-transition gender. For instance, when reflecting on her understanding of Abbey’s (pre-transition) plan to undergo a gender transition, Charlie said, “I thought that he was going to cut his boobs off and be the same.”

It was evident throughout the narratives that the partners were “totally unprepared” for the losses that ensued as a result of their spouse’s transition. In addition to the loss of their pre-transition love object, some of them lost their communities of friends and family, their often hard-won lifestyles, and for others, a sense of who they were as individuals. Perhaps their immersion into the role of advocate and caregiver kept them from attending to their subjective experience until much later, and then, when they did, they realized that “this is really real!” Many expressed feeling overwhelmed and confused, and without knowing what else to do they simply threw themselves into the role of supporter. Taylor explained a common reaction of the subjects, one in which “the partner, who is typically the primary support person, gets lost in all the excitement their transitioning spouse feels about their gender transition.”

Another aspect that interfered with their ability to mourn was the fact that the sadness the subjects experienced was perhaps laden with guilt. As they became more conscious of their pain, they began to wonder how they could feel so sad about something that their spouse was so excited about. It seemed so automatic for the subjects to slide into a role of selflessness, which seemed a natural, yet uncomfortable, state for them.

220 Once again, how can the subjects mourn the pre-transition love object once known and forever gone while maintaining a relationship with someone who is and is not the same person because of their gender transition? When considering the process of mourning the death of a love object, it is understandable how complicated mourning one’s pre-transition love object may be. Baker’s (2001) description that the “transformation of [an] object relationship in mourning requires an internal separationindividuation process in which certain aspects of the self are no longer tied to the object image” (“The Transformation,” para. 2), may, perhaps, shed more light on the reason the subjects must undergo an intrapsychic separation between their self-representation and their former object representation while maintaining an interpersonal relationship with their spouse. It is no wonder they find it difficult to mourn the loss of their (pretransition) love object.

Provocative Assertions Preceding the Transition The concept of projective identification became useful in regard to some of the provocative assertions that the subjects made throughout the interviews. The partners’ expressions that they were aware their spouses might have been transgender before the spouses themselves knew, revealing a history of the partners’ own body discomfort, gender role ambivalence, or the desire to be with the opposite gender,20 may all contribute to the probability that their perceptions perhaps represent unconscious wishes

20

For example, Riley had gastric bypass surgery, Charlie considered herself to be anorexic earlier in her life and identified as being more masculine in her 1st marriage yet much more feminine with Blaze, and Sam’s wish to be with a man with a penis.

221 or conflicts projected onto their spouse. Ogden (1979) expands on the definition of projective identification by explaining that, Projective identification is a set of fantasies and object relations that can be schematically conceptualized as occurring in three phases: first, the fantasy of ridding oneself of an unwanted part of oneself and of putting that part into another person . . . ; then the induction of feelings in the recipient that are congruent with the projective fantasy by means of an interpersonal interaction; and finally, the processing of the projection by the recipient, followed by the re-internalization by the projector of the ‘metabolized projection’ (“Projective Identification as Fantasy,” para. 16).

Although the researcher is not implying that the gender transition has taken place on the basis of the subject’s projective identification, she does consider the possibility to be one of many contributing factors, given that it was a significant theme throughout the interviews. Whether these subjects claimed to know something that was not yet knowable to their spouses, or whether they were simply the first to put words to the similarities between their spouse and those who are transgender identified, it is conceivable to consider that the power of the unconscious was, in part, at work. For example, might Morgan’s unconscious wish for a male partner been projected, given she “had been thinking about it consciously, longer than [Lance] had” and was “hearing what he was saying about gender issues that he wasn’t hearing himself?” Or perhaps Sam had an unconscious wish that Rory could impregnate her by having a penis. Moreover, it is not a stretch to consider that Riley’s personal feelings about her own body discomfort may have been projected onto Quentin. In Pfeffer’s (2008) recent study, the interplay between the partner and the trans person’s body is referred to as “relational body image.”

However, the findings in Pfeffer’s (2008) research suggest that it is the trans man’s body discomfort that negatively affects the partner’s body image rather than the other way

222 around, and yet the partner’s confusing feelings about her own body was an important finding as well. In this study, Taylor’s unconscious wish to resolve and set herself free from the suppression of her early experience of her father’s cross-dressing by employing projective identification with Simone is plausible. Kennedy described her relationship with Jewel as distant and, at the same time, dependent upon each other. Might having a best friend instead of a husband be the manifestation of her unconscious desire for someone with whom she could feel more intimate? And lastly, in Charlie’s case, could her ambivalence about her gendered roles in relationships lead to an unconscious wish?

In other words, according to Charlie, she considered herself to be more masculine when with her ex-husband, “who was a much more feminine man.” However, in her relationship with Abbey, a masculine woman (pre-transition), Charlie became increasingly more feminine. Might she have been unconsciously participating in the binary gender roles that she consciously despises?

Maltas (1991) points out that within each intimate adult relationship “aspects of one person appear in the spouse, as if by magical sleight of hand, as one subtly induces feelings in the other and shapes the other’s behaviors to confirm projections and bring about the reassuring interaction” (“A Marriage Uniting,” para. 3). Given the nature of this phenomenon, might it also be plausible to consider the possibility that the subject’s projections may be a component that is not only central, but necessary, for these couples’ continued relationships? In other words, the subject’s projective identifications may serve, in part, as seeds for the subject’s ability to stay with the partner, particularly knowing that, while it may not often be apparent, both parties of all relationships achieve

223 some benefit. Maltas (1991) paraphrases Dicks’s description of “marriage as an effort to heal splits in the self, to incorporate within the marriage the lost parts of self and of ambivalently experienced parental figures through the use of projective identification . . . whether in healthy or disturbed marriages” (“Marriage and the Interpersonal,” para. 2).

The meaning of assertions made by the subjects may reveal various aspects of themselves and their own wishes and conflicts projected onto their transitioning spouse.

Understanding these assertions is only the beginning of an attempt to comprehend an extremely complex experience. The researcher’s intent was to establish a baseline, not to limit future possibilities. The acknowledgment and exploration of the multifaceted factors that influence those who experience their spouse’s gender transition is necessary and critical for working effectively with this population.

Constructing a Frame of Reference How the subjects grapple with the construction of a context or frame of reference for understanding how to be in a transgender relationship has been one of the consistent themes in this study. While being supportive of their transitioning spouse by making a concerted effort to understand them, their identity, and the needed response to their anxiety, the subjects encountered very personal complications. Gradually, the subjects began to ask questions about their own needs, who they were as transgender spouses, and what the transition and change meant to them, their identity, and sexual orientation.

However, they discovered they had more questions than answers. Recent studies conducted by Pfeffer (2008) and Joslin-Roher and Wheeler (2009) also found that

224 partners of trans people who undergo a gender transition, question these various aspects of their lives.

Perhaps what made it more difficult to construct a context for their experience was the rapid pace of changes taking place in the subject’s daily lives; they did not have nearly enough time to absorb, much less process and integrate, what was happening.

They appeared to be so overwhelmed and confused at times that they could not seem to think clearly or know their own thoughts separate from their spouses’. They said things did not always seem to make sense, and yet they spoke with conviction, as though their comments were the absolute truth. A sense of urgency in attempting to understand their spouse’s gender transition was apparent, and perhaps the unconscious process of the shared intensity of the changes with their spouse was a way of maintaining the relationship.

With the FTM transitioning spouses placing so much emphasis on looking, sounding, and behaving like their perception of what is manly or masculine, some of the subjects seemed to embrace a more gendered approach as well, evident in their use of the binary model. When their trans-spouse took on more stereotypical gendered roles, the subjects, too, felt a shift in their roles. A legal marriage might have been a solution to the difficulty in constructing a context for several of the subjects; once married, it may have seemed clearer that they were to carry on in the traditional gendered roles of husband and wife.

Sexual orientation also provided difficulty for the subjects in terms of finding a frame for the relationship. Prior to their spouse’s transition, they were either lesbian or

225 heterosexual, but, since the transition, their newly-assumed sexual orientation in public does not match their previous way of identifying themselves—though some have been creative in coming up with another label to describe themselves.

An issue that makes constructing a context for the subject’s experience even more complicated is in the fact that there are several social options when considering a gender transition. One area of discussion that seems to come up unexpectedly is the idea of whether the couple will remain in the transgender community, identifying as a transgender couple or “go to wood,” meaning passing as the transitioned gender and blending into straight society by appearing to be a heterosexual couple.

Hansbury (2005) demonstrates the complexity of identities within the transgender population by referring to three distinct categories of FTM who are on the “transmasculine spectrum.” These categories include, in order, the oldest to the youngest and are those “who subscribe to a concept of self that is both ‘essentialist’ (biogenic) and binary-gendered (male and female) and those who adopt a ‘constructionist’ (sociogenic) and nonbinary-gendered self-concept (both/neither male and/or female).” Trans people are referred to as the Woodworkers, Transmen, and Genderqueers.

Nonetheless, the fact that these subjects have sought support in the transgender community as an incubator of sorts, during their spouses’ gender transition, raises questions about how “going to wood” affects them both psychologically and socially.

The thought of leaving their sole support system after all they have been through during the gender transition seems at first glance, difficult to understand. However, given that

226 none of the subjects had been faced with such a major decision during the time of this study, one can only surmise how difficult this would be.

Although the reworking of the intrapsychic, interpersonal, social, and cultural aspects of these subjects’ lives has taken its toll on the individuals in question, their capacity to adapt to such an unknown journey as their spouse’s gender transition is extraordinary in so many ways. These subjects are on the cutting edge of constructing and living out their own context. They are creating a context as they go along. Many of those who identified as homosexual and heterosexual before their spouse’s transition have created another dimension between the two, a hybrid of sorts. For instance, Taylor has begun to identify as being hetero-flexible, which is an example of how she has taken advantage of the opportunity to develop something new in terms of both her individual and relationship roles. Figuring out how to adapt to their new and changing identity, roles, and surroundings, while maintaining and integrating the old ones, is perhaps, the biggest challenge for these subjects.

Intersubjective Encounters The researcher’s inability to think, concentrate, sort out, and articulate her own ideas, feelings, and reactions to what the subjects revealed about their experience was unexpected and thought-provoking throughout the interviewing process. Upon further consideration, the researcher surmised that her countertransference represented some of the overarching themes of the subjects’ internal experience. A heightened awareness of the rapid shifts in cognitive capacity and emotional containment was the primary

227 experience following each interview, similar to the states that the subjects described and defended against. For instance, Morgan’s confusion about her identity surfaced in the first interview, when asked what her sexual orientation is, and she replied, “I don’t know, I guess I would probably say bisexual.”

It was apparent from the first interview that the impact of their significant others’ gender transition has not been easily understood by the subjects, particularly considering how these changes reflect on them. Given the complexity of the experience of being coupled with someone you have known and loved as one gender, and who transitions to become another, points to the subjects’ difficulty in making sense of their experience.

What does a person’s transitioning to another gender mean? Where do we place that meaning? And how will we adapt this evolution of gender into our culture? Is this a new gender, are we evolving as a species to remove the current unnecessary gender roles?

And most importantly to the people in this study who are asking these questions, what is their identity in this relationship with this “new” person? Questions are much more prevalent than answers in this research, leaving us with a feeling of something monumental and still at this time beyond our current ability to comprehend.

Similar to many of the subjects who pursued psychotherapy to process their experience, the researcher sought consultation with a psychoanalyst to assist in referencing and containing the overwhelming amount of anxiety triggered by the data from each interview. The researcher recalls one experience in particular, observable in the consulting room, when she went from sitting down upon arrival, talking nonstop, and then unloading what felt like uncontainable anxiety. After each interview, the researcher

228 felt like she did not know where to start or which direction to go in and would forget what she had just been thinking about outside of the consulting room as well as inside.

When considering the above experience as the inability to think, the researcher thought it plausible that she was experiencing a projective identification, reflective of the subjects’ internal difficulties with their experience. One can only imagine the internal conflict inherent in the need to be extremely, almost blindly, supportive, not questioning or expressing one’s own feelings, in order to maintain the connection with the spouse.

The inability to stay with her own thoughts occurred numerous times for the researcher. For example, the researcher would be thinking about the interviews and specific areas of focus, such as gender, identity, sexual orientation, and, only moments later, the researcher would walk from one room to another in her house with the intent of writing these thoughts down; however, she would immediately forget what she had just been thinking about. The researcher believes that this experience may represent the dilemma of the subject’s experience, the aforementioned limitation of the capacity to think and self-reflect. When the subjects do have their own thoughts, feelings, and questions, they quickly forget them.

At one point, the researcher noticed that she thought she was documenting her personal experience following her interviews, but instead she was simply reiterating the facts that had just been reported to her. It was as though her mind was void of subjective, private, or more personal activity. Instead the details from each interview became the focus, and although this way of perceiving the information seemed natural at the time, something also felt disturbing about it.

229 Although at first sight, the contents of the material documented by the researcher may appear to be useless information, once again, it actually may be a reflection of the subject’s experience. Because they seem unable to readily access their own thoughts and feelings, and find themselves regurgitating what they have been told by their transitioning spouse, it seems plausible to consider that the subjects experience some type of barrier in their customary way of thinking. This state may provide an unconscious way of coping with their private thoughts and feelings about their spouse’s gender transition in times of emotional crises.

Another illustration of the researcher’s countertransference was revealed when the feeling of running out of material arose in the midst of an interview. It felt as though everything had been discussed in the first few hours, leaving nothing more to investigate, and led to an overwhelming anxiety at the thought of sitting in silence with the subject.

This anxiety became extremely noticeable and disturbing, because being at a loss for questions was so unusual. The researcher also recognized feeling very protective of the subjects and the data they shared about their experience. They were open and raw, with no holds barred, and seemed so vulnerable. At the same time, it was clear that the researcher was becoming increasingly aware of how much she enjoyed interviewing each subject. In being curious about what felt like a parental countertransference response, the researcher began to look more closely at her experience, wondering if she should interpret this caretaking feeling as reflective of the subjects’ experience of feeling protective of their spouses. In addition, the researcher must admit to thinking about the extraordinary amount of flexibility, resilience, and adaptability these women exhibit on a

230 daily basis by maintaining an attachment to their spouses, a profoundly courageous enterprise.

Finally, by following Charlie’s lead with regard to the importance of raising awareness about the assumptions people make when thinking about gender, the researcher did what Charlie did by selecting an androgynous name for the other subjects in this study. It is the hope of the researcher that, by seeing androgynous names for each subject, the reader will pause to contemplate her or his own almost automatic assumptions evoked in reading about issues of gender, sexuality, and identity.

231

CHAPTER V

DISCUSSION AND CONCLUSIONS

The aim of this study was to establish a knowledge base of individuals’ subjective experience of their spouse’s gender transition through an exploration of how they have absorbed their experience psychologically, emotionally, physiologically, socially, and culturally. The researcher’s interest in this study was based on clinical experience in working with transgender patients. Upon beginning the pursuit of a clinical and theoretical framework with which to understand this phenomenon, she discovered a scarcity of literature of the partner’s experience during the gender transition period. The shortage of literature on this population is certainly not due, as the researcher anticipated initially, to there being few spouses of transgender people. On the contrary, there were people from all over the United States who responded to the researcher’s call for participants. Perhaps, in part and evident in this study, the subject’s difficulty in articulating their experience is related to the lack of published material. This is not to say that these subjects were not able to describe their experience, but for most, they were verbalizing it for the first time to the researcher. It has been assumed by their transitioning spouse that when the subjects openly voice their opinions, this may be a betrayal of sorts; however, presenting their experience for this study seemed to provide a platform from which to examine their own narrative as it unfolded, and in doing so an

232 expected range of acceptance, confusion, and grief, wrapped in ambivalence was reflected (D. McCaughan, personal communication, 2009).

Trans-Transient Community Riley’s earlier reference to the idea that transgender communities might represent a transient place to spend time while undergoing a gender transition rather than a landing place to establish roots and maintain a sense of community, raises questions about psychological response and social context. Does the decision to stay or go pertain to the intent to undergo a gender transition? For example, Taylor’s description of those who leave the trans community by “going to wood” and assuming passage as the other gender seems very different from Sam’s experience. Could Sam’s dilemma in preferring that Rory undergo bottom surgery while at the same time recognizing its impracticality for them, be a qualifier for staying in the trans community? In other words, do those who seem to pursue a partial gender—possibly considered to be more of a third gender— remain in the trans community? This is not to deny the existence of a transgender community, but to consider the impact on those who do not remain in the community where they received significant support throughout the gender transition. The more important issue here is imagining the psychological toll this would take on this population. Given that they are already involved in a relatively unknown process, could the experience of being transient explain some of the confusion expressed by these subjects?

233 Imagine the impact to these couples if they decided to walk away from the support and familiarity of their friends and others upon which they have come to depend throughout the course of the gender transition. Although none of the subjects in this study had left the trans community as of this writing, given the isolation many convey while going through the transition, not to mention their relative stability in their community, it seems that leaving their support system would be another tragic loss. The idea of leaving their safe and supportive milieu seems to be reminiscent of relocating to another city, starting over, and trying to ascertain the location of useful resources. Moreover, it can take years to meet people in other communities, reestablish the support needed, and achieve a sense of belonging again.

Upon reflecting further on the idea that trans communities are transient for some (Hansbury, 2005, pp. 246-247), the researcher wondered about a question Charlie posed in wondering how the T for transgender got added on to LGB (Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual). With the understanding that the LGB community has historically represented those with a different sexual orientation or sexual identity than that of heterosexuals, it is curious that transgender people are included as part of the (LGBT) community, even though the issue is gender, not sexual identity. Might the issue of difference between sexual identity and gender identity contribute to some transgender people blending into the woodwork? Perhaps transgender people recognize that the lesbian, gay, and bisexual people are considered to be more open-minded and therefore might be able to provide a sense of comfort for them, even if it is only temporary. Although the idea of obtaining support from the LGBT community may be true for some, there are partners who have

234 candidly reported a very different experience. According to Joslin-Roher and Wheeler (2009), who recently completed a study on the experience of the gender transition on lesbian, bisexual, and queer identified partners, they found that some of their subjects were met with “hostility from lesbians who did not support transmale identities,” based on “political reasons and/or who felt that the subject was compromising, her lesbian/bi/queer identity in partnering with a transmate” (p. 42). Despite reports of hostility from some within the LGBT community, subjects in Joslin-Roher and Wheeler’s (2009) study and this study found varying degrees of support and inclusiveness in the LGBT community. In fact, one of the primary reasons transgender individuals have united with the LGB community is both share experiences of being sexual and gender minorities that continue to be marginalized. These communities have joined together as a political force to share in the fight for human rights.

Language to Reflect Culture The exclusiveness of words and definitions is central to the subject’s experience as a partner, wife, spouse, or significant other of a transgender person. The subjects expressed great difficulty in communicating with others about their partner’s experience, feeling constricted by the words and structure available in the English Language and in American culture. Consistent with Joslin-Roher and Wheeler’s (2009) findings with this population was a feeling of constraint in attempts to describe the actual experience of the partner using the seemingly ubiquitous, yet unsatisfactory ideas in our society not generally representative of the subjects’ experience. More to the point is the problem one

235 of the subjects voiced in having “very limited language around anything that deviates from the binary system.” When considering other countries, there is a multitude of terms used to describe various ways of identifying oneself outside of the binary system. For example, those who identified as male at birth and adopted a more traditionally feminine role within their culture are referred to as Tchambuli in New Guinea (“Women Executives,” 1954); kathoey in Thailand, vestidas in Mexico, hijra in India (Reicherzer, Patton, & Steves, 2007); fa’afafine in Samoa (Schmidt, 2003); and berdache in Canada (Forgey, 1975). Furthermore, for women in Albania, “swapping genders was considered a practical solution for a family with a shortage of men” (Bilefsky, 2008, para. 2).

Although in current times this practice is on the decline as it is no longer necessary, because of the emphasis on equality, this practice has been in existence for more than 500 years in this country (Bilefsky, 2008). Contesting the concept of gender as offering only binary options is something Butler (2004) has been doing for over a decade as she explains, It is important not only to understand how the terms of gender are instituted, naturalized, and established as presuppositional but to trace the moments where the binary system of gender is disputed and challenged, where the coherence of the categories are put into question, and where the very social life of gender turns out to be malleable and transformable. (p. 216) Until more people consider Butler’s suggestion, the ramifications of the social and cultural linguistic constructs of gender will continue to exclude this population from being represented in the world. Gender and language constructions need to change to represent others’ reality, rather than the preconceived notions of a few. A primary example of the need for change is demonstrated by the diverse preferences of each subject in identifying her relationship. For example, Morgan, Sam, and Taylor

236 emphasized wanting to be referred to as being partners of one another. Taylor, on the other hand, claimed to commonly use the term spouse when referring to Simone and herself. Whereas Charlie and Kennedy refer to their relationship as being wife and husband, Riley considers only herself as a wife and Quentin, her significant other.

Although many of the changes needed to reflect diverse populations are slow to come, others have already taken place. For instance, in “Just Add Hormones: An Insider’s Guide to the Transsexual Experience,” Kailey (2005) identifies three new gender neutral pronouns that he suggests people use if they do not identify as either female or male. The first gender neutral pronoun, hir, means a combination of “her” and “his.” For example, “This is hir computer.” The second, nu, replaces the use of “she” or “he,” “her” or “him.” For example, “Nu is working on the computer.” The third pronoun is ze or zie, which means “she” or “he.” For example, “Ze is working on the computer now.”

The subjects directed much of their focus toward prioritizing the use of preferred pronouns and gender, because their partners’ experience of being mis-gendered and others’ perception of their body have been extremely sensitive issues. However, there is a contradiction in a frequent complaint about the dearth of alternative options within a binary system of gender. It is interesting that whereas many transgender people say they believe in the idea of gender being more fluid, there are those who also feel the need to undergo a gender transition. But does not that process feed right into the binary system that the transgender person seems to oppose? By becoming female or male, rather than being more androgynous, they are less gender neutral. Granted, it is important to

237 acknowledge the social influences and cultural constructions of gender, but, as Chodorow (2002) explains, “Gender theories that do not consider individual, personal, emotional, fantasy-related meaning cannot capture fully the meanings that gender has for the subject[s]” (p. 239).

And lastly, language used to refer to sexual orientation has yet to catch up with the current social and cultural times. For example, sexual orientation, one’s object choice, has historically been thought to consist of the following options: heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual. However, some additional terms are used to refer to sexual orientation; with growing popularity they include queer, hetero-flexible, multi-sexual, pansexual (Lenius, 2001), omnisexual, and homoflexible (Jacobson & Donatone, 2009).

At the pace in which individuals are changing how they identify themselves and their sexual and gender identity, it is no wonder the language used to describe non-heteronormative experience is far behind.

Limitations of the Study The data obtained from this study are not generalizable due to the small sample of participants and the fact that the recruitment of participants was limited to only one state.

Therefore, this population will not be representative of larger populations. However, it was the researcher’s intent to obtain a deeper rather than a broader understanding of this population, to be used as a baseline for continued research on the experience of spouses of transgender individuals.

238 Implications of Clinical Practice and Policy Of primary importance is the question of why the topic of transgenderism (whether the spouse and/or the trans-person) seems to continue to remain below the radar in the mental health field, particularly given that this population is increasing (Zucker & Lawrence, 2009). According to Bockting (2007), more and more spouses are seeking services outside of the traditional setting of hospitals or university-based gender identity clinics. Some issues to consider include the lack of more discussion about this population among clinicians. Why are there so few conversations amongst clinicians about transgender individuals, spouses, and couples issues? And why specifically has there been such a scarcity in literature, particularly publications in the psychoanalytic realm, that pertains to the spouses’ experience and their needs during their trans-spouse’s gender transition.

Perhaps it is because so much attention is drawn to the trans-person that their spouses go unnoticed. However, it is imperative to the mental health field that clinicians be proactive by taking the initiative to learn more about this population. The ability to assist these people in being able to articulate their experience, possibly for the first time, requires clinicians to acknowledge that this population exists. If clinicians do not consult with one another and obtain supervision to help them work more effectively with this population, then perhaps the ethical obligations of clinicians are being trivialized. The seriousness of this matter is also reflected in the lack of coursework, particularly in clinical training institutes, in regard to the varieties of sexual and gender expression.

239 Spouses of transgender people need to tell their stories, perhaps as a way of absorbing, reflecting, and integrating their experience. The provision of psychotherapy groups for spouses of transgender people that are advertised within the LGBT community may prove invaluable, for a need for this service clearly exists, based on the narratives of spouses interviewed as well as numerous emails received by the researcher from significant others all over the country who also expressed a desire to tell their story.

Working with the significant others of transgender individuals will perhaps assist them in the process of openly communicating their complex experience in hopes of providing them the opportunity to develop a better understanding of that experience and its effects on their lives.

One must also address the assumption clinicians seem to make about the meaning of certain statements that a patient (the spouse of transgender individuals, in particular) makes, concerning the idea that either they or their spouse feel like the other gender.

Making that assumption implies that there is some universal understanding of the ideas of being another gender, despite appearances to the contrary. However, this assumption actually seems to act as more of an obstruction to the elaboration of the meaning of each individual patient. What are the patient’s fantasies about their spouse’s gender transition?

Do they imagine that females think, feel, and behave in a certain way? If so, what are the possible origins of these ideas? What do they imagine it would be like if their spouse felt more completely the other gender by undergoing a gender transition? It is the clinician’s job to thoughtfully explore these ideas by sifting through, piece by piece, the material presented by each patient in an attempt to understand their issues at a deeper level. Is it

240 not a disservice to any patient, much less the spouse of a transgender patient, for clinicians to jump to conclusions by acting as though they already know the meaning attached to any patient’s experience? This researcher readily admits to not having any idea what it means when a patient says that their spouse feels like the other gender, until the patient reveals their own personal meaning attached to the idea. When clinicians adopt a more curious stance, it is undoubtedly much more likely that they will learn much more about each patient.

The researcher wonders whether asking the most obvious question, “What is gender?” would clarify things for policy or simply make things more confusing? Does gender not encompass the psyche, body, chromosomes, hormones, and sexuality? Is it possible to separate these aspects of a person? Granted these aspects can be altered, but can they be separated, discarded, and forgotten from both the body and the mind? Pfäfflin (2006) points out that although gender identity and sexual orientation are intertwined, they are “interdependent of each other when fully organized in adulthood” (p. 154). What about one’s experience with others? Is gender a social construct? The terms third gender and third sex may already exist in the culture of transgender relationships in America.

They do in Nepal. According to Blue Diamond Society, an advocacy group, there are approximately “two million homosexuals and third genders in Nepal” of which an estimated “35,000 are registered as third gender . . . in 35 districts across the country” (“Third Gender,” 2009, “Track Record,” para. 3). Furthermore, by considering the addition of “third gender” to their 2011 census, Nepal’s national Census Bureau of Statistics are acknowledging the importance of accurately representing those in their

241 country (para. 17). Although there could be potential chaos in incorporating a third gender into public policy and formulating appropriate law for the situations which could and will arise in the United States, it is imperative that American policies also reflect its people, who include the spouses in transgender relationships.

Conclusions and Implications for Future Research The findings of this study are intended to provide a baseline for understanding the multifaceted aspects of the subjective experience of partners of trans-people undergoing a gender transition. Based on the results of this study, the researcher created a model (Table 3) to assist partners in anticipating their future experience with the transition. This tool can be used as a basis for future research. This study has elicited further inquiry, making the need for longitudinal studies on this population evident. An examination of the partner’s experience over a longer period would be helpful to determine if there is a settling-in period, as would be expected. A revisit after 5 or 10 years from the beginning of the gender transition, for example, would add to the scarce data.

In addition, further studies that pertain to this population may include the same type of study with the exception of a request for male partners instead. Male partners may be of interest in terms of how they differ in regard to relationship and gendered roles.

Interestingly, there were numerous females, who expressed an interest in participating in this study spanning across the United States, yet there were no male volunteers. Where are the male partners of transgender individuals? Having reports from partners’

242 Table 3 Model for Stages of Non-transitioning Partners Stage

Action

1

Moves into Action as researcher, advocate (reading transgender publications online Web sites, chat rooms, seeking community and support)

2

Experiences Unanticipated Changes in relationship dynamics (adolescence revisited)

3

Becomes Caregiver during Surgery (hysterectomy, top surgery, laser hair removal, electrolysis treatment, breast augmentation, bottom surgery)

4

Undergoes a Shift in Social Life

5

Legally marries (FTM): This typically occurs after a legal name change and gender marker of the transgender significant other takes place

6

Becomes closeted to previous identification

7

Acknowledges the Loss

8

Re-examines Identity

243 experiences of FTM spouses giving birth or from children of transgender people who have undergone a gender transition, would also be important contributions.

In closing, the researcher believes a central conclusion of this study is that undergoing a gender transition is not necessarily the solution, but rather a radical step, toward bringing attention to the bigger problem at large, the social problem, that of restricting people to inhabit roles based solely on gender. Throughout history, change has been brought on by radical behavior, and this population is clearly pioneering a new way to view gender by requiring many to challenge old notions of gender and sexuality.

244

APPENDIX A RECRUITMENT FLYER

245

Partners of Trans Individuals who have undergone a gender transition through HRT &/or SRS For a research study to fulfill the requirements for a Doctoral Dissertation

ELIGIBILITY CRITERIA FOR PARTICIPATION:

[Phone Number] Lisa M. Chase

[Phone Number] Lisa M. Chase

[Phone Number] Lisa M. Chase

[Phone Number] Lisa M. Chase

[Phone Number] Lisa M. Chase

[Phone Number] Lisa M. Chase

[Phone Number] Lisa M. Chase

[Phone Number] Lisa M. Chase

• You must be at least eighteen years of age.

• You must have been with your partner before she/he underwent the gender transition period.

• You must currently be partnered to this same partner.

• You must have identified as heterosexual or homosexual.

• You must have experienced the beginning of the gender transition period of your partner within the past ten years (gender transition = HRT or SRS).

• You must not be a trans individual yourself.

• You must be available for five separate interviews (one hour each).

If you are interested in signing up or finding out more about this study, contact Lisa M. Chase by telephone at (651) 278-5370.

246

APPENDIX B TELEPHONE SCRIPT

247 INTRODUCTION—Hello, my name is Lisa Chase. I want to thank you for your response and expressed interest in my study, entitled, “The experience of partners of trans during the gender transition period.”

Is now a good time to talk or would you prefer I call you at a more convenient time? I need about fifteen minutes of your time. [If now is not a good time to talk, I will reschedule another time].

This study is a research project that is part of the requirements for fulfilling a Ph.D. program at the Institute of Clinical Social Work in Chicago, Illinois.

Can I ask how you heard about this study? Have you seen the criterion required for participation? I would like to go over them with you, okay? Are you: • At least eighteen years of age?

• Have you been with your partner before she/he underwent the gender transition period?

• Are you currently partnered to this same partner?

• Do you identify as a transsexual or bisexual individual?

• Have you experienced the beginning of the gender transition period of your partner within the past ten years? By gender transition, I am specifically referring to hormone injections and/or surgery that physically altered the body or what is commonly referred to as SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery).

• Are you available for five separate interviews of one hour each?

Now that we both know you meet the criterion to participate in this study, do you have any questions before I continue?

PURPOSE—First, I think it is important to let you know the reason I am conducting this research. Unfortunately, very little has been written about the partner’s experience of her or his partner’s gender transition in professional literature. As a clinical researcher, I think it is critical to the mental health field to obtain accurate information in order to be able to provide more effective clinical services to the partners of trans. I am hoping that this study will not only add to the sparse literature, but also improve clinical services by further educating clinicians.

PROCEDURES USED IN THE STUDY AND THE DURATION—Participation in this study will involve being interviewed for approximately one hour in length on five separate occasions. The time frame for completing five interviews will depend on both your availability, and the ability to coordinate scheduled times with me. If you agree to participate in this study, we will do the following: • Sign a Consent Form.

• Schedule and participate in five one-hour interviews, at a location and time convenient for both of us.

• Complete a Demographic Interview Form at the beginning of the first interview series.

• Agree to have each interview audio-tape recorded, and • Understand that you will receive a monetary incentive of twenty dollars following each interview.

248 It is important that you understand that participation in this research is voluntary and you may stop the interview at any time. The location of the interviews will be your choice, either in your home or in the private practice office space provided by me.

BENEFITS—If you choose to participate in this study, you may experience positive feelings, such as a sense of relief in being able to talk about your experience. You may also find that in talking about your experience, you gain a greater understanding of yourself as an individual and as a partner. In addition, to helping the mental health field better serve partners of trans, your story will add to the scarcity of literature.

COSTS—There is no monetary cost associated with participation in this study. Any expenses incurred due to travel costs will be covered by the researcher. There will be a time cost of five one-hour interviews.

POSSIBLE RISKS/SIDE EFFECTS—It is possible that you may be asked about sensitive issues that could evoke negative emotional responses. If you are observably upset to the point of not being able to continue the interview, I will stop the interview to inquire about your emotional state. Upon your request, I will provide you with the names of psychotherapists that can help you sort out some of the feelings that may begin to surface.

PRIVACY/CONFIDENTIALITY—The information you provide is confidential. Your identity and the identity of any persons to whom you refer to during these interviews will not appear or be used in this research project. However, phases and/or sentences you say may be used anonymously as data in this study. Do you give your consent to have this data published? The audio-tapes used in this study will be destroyed immediately after they are transcribed. Raw data, such as the questionnaires, transcriptions, and notes will be secured in a locked filing cabinet for a minimum of five years after the researcher graduates, and at the end of the five year period, the raw data will be destroyed.

SUBJECT ASSURANCES—By signing the consent form that will be presented at our first meeting, you agree to take part in this study. You will not give up any of your rights or release the researcher from responsibility for carelessness. It is important for you to know that you may cancel your consent to continue in this study at any time without penalty or loss of benefits. You have the right to terminate participation in this study at any time. Your relationship with the researcher will not be affected in any way, now or in the future, if you refuse to take part, or if you begin the study and then withdraw.

249

APPENDIX C INFORMED CONSENT FORM

250 Informed Consent for Participation in Research INSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL SOCIAL WORK I, ____________________________________, acting for myself, agree to participate in the research study entitled: The Experience of Partners of Trans During the Gender Transition Period. This work will be carried out by Lisa M. Chase under the supervision of Jennifer Tolleson, PhD., the Dissertation Chair. This study is conducted under the auspices of the Institute for Clinical Social Work, 200 N. Michigan Ave., Suite 407, Chicago, IL 60601, (312) 726-8480, as part of the requirements for fulfilling the Ph.D. program.

PURPOSE Conducting a research study on the experience of partners of trans during the gender transition period is not only critical to the mental health field in being able to provide more effective clinical services, but also helpful in remedying the scarcity of literature available at present.

PROCEDURES USED IN THE STUDY AND THE DURATION Participation in this study will involve being interviewed for approximately one hour in length on five separate occasions. The time frame for completing five interviews will depend on both the availability of the participant, and the ability to coordinate scheduled times with the researcher. If you agree to participate in this study, we will do the following: • Sign a Consent Form.

• Schedule and participate in five one-hour interviews at a time and location convenient for both of us.

• Complete a Demographic Interview Form at the beginning of the first interview series.

• Agree that each interview will be audio-tape recorded.

• Understand that you will receive a monetary incentive of twenty dollars following each interview.

It is important that you understand that participation in this research is voluntary and you may stop the interview at any time. The location of the interviews will be your choice, either in your home or in the private practice office space provided by the researcher.

BENEFITS As you participate in this study, you may experience positive feelings, such as a sense of relief in being able to talk about your experience. You may also find that in talking about your experience, you gain a greater understanding of yourself as an individual and as a partner. In addition, to helping the mental health field better serve partners of trans, your story will add to the scarcity of literature.

COSTS There is no monetary cost associated with participation in this study. Any expenses incurred due to travel costs will be covered by the researcher. There will be a time cost of five one-hour interviews.

251 POSSIBLE RISKS/SIDE EFFECTS It is possible that you may be asked about sensitive issues that could evoke negative emotional responses. If you are observable upset to the point of not being able to continue conversation, I will stop the interview to ask how you are doing. Upon your request, I will provide you with the name of a psychotherapist to help you sort out some of the feelings that may begin to surface.

PRIVACY/CONFIDENTIALITY The information you provide is confidential. Your identity and the identity of any persons to whom you refer to during these interviews will not appear or be used in this research project. However, phases and/or sentences you say may be used anonymously as data in this study. You give your consent to have this data published. The audio-tapes used in this study will be destroyed immediately after they are transcribed. Raw data, such as the questionnaires, transcriptions, and notes will be secured in a locked filing cabinet for a minimum of five years after the researcher graduates, and at the end of the five year period, the raw data will be destroyed.

SUBJECT ASSURANCES By signing this consent form, I agree to take part in this study. I have not given up any of my rights or released this institution from responsibility for carelessness.

I may cancel my consent to continue in this study at any time without penalty or loss of benefits. I have the right to terminate participation in this study at any time. Your relationship with the researcher or staff of the ICSW will not be affected in any way, now or in the future, if I refuse to take part, or if I begin the study and then withdraw.

If you have any questions about the research methods, you can contact Lisa M. Chase, at [Phone Number] or Jennifer Tolleson, at (312) 409-2851. If you have any questions about your rights as a research subject, you may call Daniel Rosenfeld, M.A., Chair of Institutional Review Board, ICSW, 200 N. Michigan Ave., Suite 407, Chicago, IL 60601, (312) 726-8480.

SIGNATURES [All consent forms must be signed and dated. They must be explained to the participants and witnessed by the person who is explaining the procedure.]

You have read this consent form and agree to take part in this study as it is explained in this consent form. _________________________________ ______________________________ Signature of Participant Date I certify that I have explained the research to ___________________________ and believe that she/he understands and have agreed to participate freely. I agree to answer any additional questions when they arise during the research or afterward. ________________________________ Signature of Researcher

____________________________ Date

252

APPENDIX D DEMOGRAPHIC INTERVIEW

253 1. Participant’s Identification Number: 2. Gender/Sex Identity:

Female____

Male____

3. Race/Ethnicity: 4. Spiritual/Religious Affiliation: 5. Age: 6. Birthplace: 7. Where were you raised?

8. Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual___ Homosexual___ Bisexual___ Other___ 9. Relationship Status: Single___ Partnered___ Married__ Divorced___ Widowed___ 10. Children (including ages)?

11. Highest Level of Education Completed: 12. Family of Origin (including ages, a brief description of each relationship & any disruptions, or significant events): Mother Father

Siblings (include birth order and gender/sex identity)

13. Relationship History (including friends and significant others):

14. Employment History (identify the type of past and present jobs):

15. Family Income:

254 16. Medical History (including major physical illnesses, accidents, and hospitalizations since birth):

17. History of Psychological Treatment (including counseling, medications, and hospitalizations):

18. Substance Use History:

19. Significant Losses in Life:

20. Significant Events/Experiences (including anything that you have not yet mentioned):

21. Support Network (e.g. family members, friends, community):

255

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