Lolly Connolly dissertation

Institute for Clinical Social Work

MOTHERS AND THEIR SCHOOL AGE DAUGHTERS

A Dissertation Submitted to the Faculty of the Institute for Clinical Social Work in Partial Fulfillment For the Degree of Doctor of Philosophy

By LOLLY LEDERER CONNOLLY

Chicago, Illinois July, 2008

ABSTRACT

Mothers face many challenges as they attempt to parent their children. The purpose of this study is to explore a mother’s experience of raising a school age daughter between the ages of 6 – 10. An exploratory qualitative study was conducted using the grounded theory approach that consisted of open-ended interviews with twenty mothers.

Data collected from the interviews provided insight into a mother’s internal life and suggests several findings. First, mothering a school age daughter reawakens specific memories for the mother related to her daughter’s age and level of development. Second, mothers experience anxiety and uncertainty about raising their daughters in an affluent and competitive environment. Third, the ability to rely on core values helps to guide and ground the mothers as they face the challenges of parenting. Fourth, social acceptance is important but the mothers are ambivalent about its meaning and place in their lives.

Overall, the findings demonstrate how a mother is emotionally impacted as she attempts to parent her school age daughter.

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ACKNOWLEGEMENTS Without the support and encouragement from my family, friends, committee members and colleagues, completion of this dissertation would not have been possible.

I would like to thank my committee members, Joan DiLeonardi, Miriam Reitz and Marilyn Silin for their unwavering support and ongoing encouragement throughout the dissertation process. Each was available and always willing to provide their expertise and knowledge as we discussed the various clinical and theoretical issues along the way.

In particular, the chair of my committee, Joan DiLeonardi, not only guided me through the entire process from beginning to end, she also instilled confidence and a belief in my abilities that helped guide and ground me throughout many challenging and overwhelming moments.

I am also deeply gratified to the many mothers who allowed me into their homes and hearts. These women took time out of hectic and busy schedules to reflect on their roles as mothers. They provided invaluable insight into their complex lives as they shared their feelings about their experiences of mothering a school age daughter.

Lastly, I am indebted to my three daughters, Maggie, Erin and Kathryn and my husband John, who continue to enrich and expand my life in ways that I never imagined.

LLC

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Page ABSTRACT........................................................................................................................ii ACKNOWLEDGMENTS..................................................................................................iii Chapter I. INTRODUCTION...............................................................................................1 General Statement of Purpose Operational Definitions of Major Concepts Assumptions Significance for Clinical Social Work II. LITERATURE REVIEW...................................................................................4 Introduction Relational Theory and Dynamics Theoretical and Conceptual Framework III. METHODOLOGY.........................................................................................17 Design and Type of Study Scope of Study, Setting, Population and Sampling, and Nature of Data Data Collection Methods and Instruments Plan for Data Analysis Limitations of the Research Plan

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TABLE OF CONTENTS – Continued

Chapter

Page

IV. FINDINGS......................................................................................................22 Description of Subjects Memories of Mother Memories of Father Remembering Your Own Stuff Trying to Figure It Out Life Lessons I Have Observed Others How My Life Has Changed V. THEORETICAL DISCUSSION OF THE FINDINGS...................................64 Awakening Specific Memories Raising Daughters in an Affluent and Competitive Environment Mothers Rely on Core Values Ambivalence about Social Acceptance Summary VI. IMPLICATIONS FOR CLINICAL PRACTICE........................................114

VII. IMPLICATIONS FOR FURTHER STUDY..............................................119

Appendix REFERENCES....................................................................................................123

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1

CHAPTER 1

INTRODUCTION

General Statement of Purpose

The question that is explored in the study is, “What is the mother’s experience of her school age daughter?” The study examines the emotional reactions of a mother to her daughter as she enters into the latency period of development. This time in the life of a young girl coincides with her entry into school where many psychological and physiological changes evolve and take place. This period in time has the potential to evoke a variety of feelings within a mother. Some of these feelings may be related to problems and conflicts from the mother’s past that may or may not be fully resolved or worked through.

Benedek’s (1959) seminal ideas on parenthood address how “the child revives in the parent his related developmental conflicts” (p. 397). Benedek puts forth her theory of parenthood as a highly evocative time when issues within the parent may resurface from prior periods of their development. The parent is then presented with an opportunity to either rework unresolved issues and achieve a higher level of maturation or regress and repeat unhealthy patterns of behavior.

2 Fraiberg (1975) poignantly discusses how a mother’s past can strongly influence the current relationship with her infant. Fraiberg’s paper documents the work done on behalf of high-risk infants and their mothers who had themselves been abused and mistreated as children. She and her colleagues provided treatment to this fragile population and their work focused on helping the mothers reconnect with disavowed affect related to past abuse. Once the mothers were able to remember feelings associated with the abuse, the cycle of abuse was interrupted and a healthier connection established between infant and mother.

It is well documented that the phenomenon of memories reawakening from one’s past persists well beyond the first years of a child’s life. This study explores the emotional reactions of the mother to determine if she is faced with memories and feelings from her past that have been reactivated by her daughter entering into a new developmental phase.

Operational Definitions of Major Concepts The study explores several concepts that require definition: •

Motherhood: A developmental stage a woman enters into once she becomes pregnant with her first child. This marks a period of psychological reorganization that affects a woman’s inner and outer experience of self and others.

•

Mother’s experience of a latency age daughter: Adult development views motherhood as a developmental stage. Parenting a latency age daughter is intrinsically different from parenting an infant or adolescent. This is a period in the life of the mother where her daughter begins school on a full time basis and

3 faces a new set of social and academic challenges. A mother is emotionally impacted as her daughter navigates through this new milieu.

•

Values: Deeply held beliefs and principles that guide decision-making and an individual’s overall approach to life. Values develop early in life under the influence of one’s parents, culture, teachers and significant others. They continue to evolve throughout life and inform and guide decisions and choices in daily living.

•

Latency Age: Latency age is defined for the purposes of this study as the period of development between the ages of six and ten.

Assumptions The following assumptions guide and inform the study: 1. Development is not static but continues to evolve throughout one’s life.

2. Unresolved developmental issues can be reawakened along the life cycle.

3. The mother/daughter relationship is bi-directional where each influences the other.

4. Motherhood has a significant impact upon a woman’s internal and external life.

4 Significance for Clinical Social Work Contributions from the study add to the current body of theory and expand our knowledge of the mother’s experience with her daughter between the ages of six and ten.

This investigation illuminates the many challenges a mother faces when parenting a daughter. These challenges include the mother’s history. Some aspects of this history will be healthy and growth promoting, while other aspects may repeat unhealthy patterns of relating and have negative consequences for both mother and daughter. The goal of this study is to document the psychological experience of a mother and the impact upon her development once her daughter reaches school age.

A considerable amount of literature discusses the relationship between a mother and her infant, adolescent, or adult daughter. There appears to be a gap in the research that addresses the relationship between a mother and daughter between the ages of six and ten. The study explores the dynamics in this relationship and looks at how a mother processes her day-to-day experiences of parenting her daughter.

A deeper understanding of a mother’s development contributes to clinical work with this population. Many a mother has sought out treatment related to their struggle with parenting. While working with mothers, a clinical social worker can attune to the specific issues between mother and daughter and listen carefully to themes that relate to the mother’s past and how they are reenacted in the present. Several themes have been highlighted and enhance the social worker’s capacity to identify and facilitate a working through of unresolved residue for the mother.

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CHAPTER II

LITERATURE REVIEW

Introduction

Adult development was once considered “a lengthy stable phase of life in which developmental processes play a relatively minor role” (Colarusso & Nemiroff, 1979, p.

1). Psychological development was initially viewed as nearing completion once the individual achieved sexual maturity during adolescence. This was put forth by Freud’s theory of psychic development, which viewed development as a “biologically predetermined maturational progression through the oral, anal, oedipal, and latency stages of development” (Settlage, 1988, p. 1). Freud believed development proceeded from one stage to the next as certain conflicts were worked through and resolved. His theory laid the groundwork for understanding development from a psychoanalytic point of view. However, his theory of development focused on infancy through adolescence.

Consequently, it was commonly assumed psychic structure was in place after sexual maturity was achieved.

Contributions from other theorists have further elaborated and enhanced psychoanalytic thinking about development. Beginning with Hartmann (1939), and followed by Benedek’s (1959, 1970) work on mothering and parenthood, the view of development was expanded and began to include genetic and environmental phenomena

6 that affect the individual from birth until death. Erikson’s (1950) work also extends development beyond adolescence. He formulated a theory that looks at development as proceeding through a series of psychosocial stages that begin in infancy and progresses throughout the lifespan. Opportunities for psychic growth were then viewed as occurring throughout one’s life.

These opportunities are believed to present themselves as the individual continues along the life course. Marriage, parenthood, middle age, and growing older are all stages in one’s life that challenge the individual, precipitate crises and ultimately have the potential to contribute positively or negatively to one’s development.

Motherhood is one such opportunity where a woman is presented with “an extremely complex and dynamic biopsychosocial process,” that, if navigated well, results in further development of the self (Kenemore & Spira, 1996, p. 228). Opportunities for growth or pathological regression exist throughout the continuum of motherhood.

Motherhood has its roots in the experience of being parented. Whether positive or negative, an infant internalizes aspects of the relationship with his/her mother (Chodorow, 1978, p. 77). These affective experiences consciously and unconsciously influence the infant’s sense of self and all future relationships.

As the newborn develops and enters into the toddler years, the earliest outward signs of the developing parent from within begin to emerge. Early identifications with the mother manifest in childhood play. Pretending to be mom or dad, playing with dolls and other games are reflective of conscious and unconscious internalized experiences of being parented. The growing child continues to practice at being a parent in many different ways when they baby-sit and take care of younger siblings. Children in

7 caretaking roles behave as they believe they were parented. Thus, Donald Schwartz concludes, “the biological parent engages his child in the process of becoming a psychological parent with an established conscious and unconscious network of images and configurations of what it is to be a parent” (1984, p. 357).

All of these early experiences culminate in the reality of becoming a parent.

Pregnancy, according to Bibring (1959, 1961) “is a crisis that affects all expectant mothers . . . leading to acute disequilibrium which under favorable conditions results in specific maturational steps toward new functions” (p. 119). Bibring’s study was initiated in the late 1950s at a hospital prenatal clinic as the result of a growing number of pregnant women who were presenting with borderline symptomatology. These women typically had no prior pathology and seemed to be fairly intact psychologically before becoming pregnant. Bibring and her staff studied and observed this group and concluded that pregnancy ushered in a period of disequilibrium where prior unresolved issues were reawakened in the present. Bibring viewed pregnancy as a vulnerable time where temporary regression to more serious pathology was common. Consequently, this became a period of crisis for some pregnant woman where resolution and reintegration of prior issues became necessary in order to reestablish psychological health. Bibring concluded that the clinical presentation of the expecting mother had more to do with the condition of pregnancy than with her overall mental health.

Benedek’s (1959, 1970) seminal work on motherhood also considers the biological and psychological vicissitudes of pregnancy. She was one of the first to focus on the development of the mother and to look at pregnancy and motherhood as catalysts for growth. She not only considered pregnancy, but also the experience of motherhood as

8 an opportunity for furthering the mother’s development. She states, “In each critical period the child revives in the parent his related developmental conflicts. This brings about either pathological manifestations in the parent or, by resolution of the conflict it achieves a new level of integration in the parent” (p. 397).

Self psychologists also consider parenthood as a type of developmental phase or process (George & Solomon 1999). Kohut’s theory of the self looks at the experience of the parent as another opportunity for further transformation and maturation of the self.

Miriam Elson (1975) further elucidates Kohut’s theory and views of parenthood. She describes how both parent and child mutually influence and transform each other’s narcissism. As the parent supports and responds to the empathic needs of the growing child, the parent’s narcissistic capacity is further developed and enhanced. The empathic responsiveness of the parent is internalized, which, in turn, firms up the child’s growing narcissism and contributes to the development of a healthy, vital and strong self. Elson states, “understood in this way, the forming and firming narcissism within the child and the further transformation of narcissism in the parents is essentially a twin process and may be best described as a double helix” (p. 299).

Daniel Stern (1995) explores the intrapsychic experience of the mother in greater detail. He believed that once the baby is born, the mother enters into a “new and unique psychic organization called the motherhood constellation” (p. 171). Stern feels the mother’s internal life is reorganized once she becomes a mother. This new organization is temporary and may last months or several years. Whatever previous organizing principle was in place is now pushed to the background. The mother experiences a

9 realignment of feelings, fantasies, and fears that now revolve around her experience of being a new mother.

Similar to Stern, Blos (2003) also highlights the mother’s experience and explores the internal dynamics that intensify and begin to manifest during pregnancy and motherhood. He believes the inner life of the mother is comprised of a complex psychological matrix that includes residue from the woman’s experience of being mothered. Blos believes motherhood marks a period of growth for a woman where intrapsychic issues are stirred and reawakened, in particular, those that are related to her own mothering experience (Parens, 2003, p. 48).

Balsam (2000) also writes about the subjective experience of new mothers.

Balsam posits, “it is only when a woman becomes a mother herself that she experiences the full impact of her internalized mother” (p. 1). Balsam describes how a woman reencounters the internalized maternal object throughout life, and in particular, when she becomes a mother in her own right. Balsam, in accordance with other previously cited authors, feels there is an intensification of the internalized mother that begins to manifest in a woman’s life when she becomes pregnant and has a child.

The sociocultural context of the mother’s life also affects the developmental process of motherhood (Kenemore & Spira, 1996; Galatzer-Levy & Cohler, 1993). The mother’s age, religion, ethnicity, education, financial status, personal health, and social status significantly influence the mother’s experience. The mother is also impacted by the level of satisfaction with her marriage, degree of fulfillment of activities outside of the home, quality of relationships with friends and family, responsibilities to care for aging parents, and the number and ages of the other children.

10 Feminist theorists offer another perspective on female development that challenges many aspects of existing psychoanalytic theory. Feminist authors, Miller (1976), Chodorow (1978), and Gilligan (1982) believe traditional theories have relegated women to an inferior status and often misinterpreted behavior as pathological and deviant because it has been viewed through a male model of development.

Miller believes women have been perceived as deficient and weak because they have been judged by male dominated standards that value independence and autonomy.

She attempts a more “accurate understanding of women’s psychology as it arises out of women’s life experience rather than as it has been perceived by those who do not have that experience” (1976, p. 49). Women, according to Miller, do not fit the male model of development since they are more relationally oriented. She believes women have an innate need for interrelatedness and that their sense of self develops within the context of relationships.

Chodorow (1978) believes a woman’s need for relationships and ongoing attachments are developmentally healthy and rooted in early development. She posits that since mothers are the primary caretakers, little girls will grow up identifying with and wanting to be like their mothers. Consequently, little girls have a longer preoedipal attachment to their mothers, are less differentiated and develop more permeable ego boundaries than boys. This results in the little girl emerging with a different orientation to her inner and outer world. Therefore, according to Chodorow, girls are not as deficient as Freud would suggest, but instead have developed a deeper capacity for empathy and a “stronger basis for experiencing another’s needs or feelings as one’s own” (p. 167).

11 Gilligan (1982) builds on Chodorow’s theory and strengthens the argument against viewing women as the weaker species. She challenges theories of development that perceive women as lacking moral capacity. She claims fundamental differences exist between men and women that account for differing approaches to moral decision-making and behavior. She believes women are oriented to value connection and commitment and their sense of self and identity is embedded in a context of relationships, “Thus, women not only define themselves in a context of human relationships but also judge themselves in terms of their ability to care” (p. 17). Gilligan proposes discarding old criteria for mental health that are only applicable to men and replacing it with new standards that take into consideration the attributes of both men and women

Relational Theory and Dynamics Lewis Aron (1996), a relational analyst, refers to relational theory as an eclectic group of theories that “focus on personal, intrapersonal, and interpersonal relations” (p. 19). It is a departure from Freud’s drive theory model since it shifts the emphasis away from the drives and towards relationships. Relational theory, according to Aron (1996), is “anchored in the idea that it is relationships (internal, external, real, and imagined) that are central” (p. 18). The unit of study is not the individual as a separate body, according to Stephen Mitchell (1988), but “an interactional field within which the individual arises and struggles to make contact and to articulate himself. . . . The person is comprehensible only within the tapestry of relationships, past and present” (p. 3).

Mitchell further explains there is no psychologically meaningful sense of self or object outside a matrix of relations with others. Mitchell claims, “neither the self nor the

12 object are meaningful dynamic concepts without presupposing some sense of psychic space in which they interact, in which they do things with or to each other” (p. 33). The internal world of the individual is shaped and structured by these interactions.

When thinking about the relationship between a mother and child, Mitchell does not focus exclusively on either the parent or the child. He feels problems are inevitable in early life. A child, according to Mitchell (1988), is object seeking and will attach himself/herself to a significant other in the hopes of being cared for and feeling recognized (p. 276). A child learns early on how to adapt and conform in order to have his/her needs met. This process is not without incident as Mitchell (1988) so clearly states, “the travails of early life are certain to make childhood at least intermittently stormy, and early relationships inevitably somewhat insecure” (p. 276).

The relational matrix that develops between a parent and child will be shaped by the child’s natural endowment and the personality and psychological make-up of the parent.

Beatrice Beebe and Frank Lachman (2002), psychoanalysts and infant researchers, posit that both parent and child mutually influence one another. This represents a shift in thinking where the previous focus was more on the mother than the child. Their research documents how mother and infant mutually influence each other. They describe this as bidirectional and explain how the behavior of mother and child “is contingent on, influenced by, or predicted by that of the other” (p. 27). They refer to this as self and interactive regulation, where each partner affects the other (p. 26).

In reviewing the relational literature, there appears to be a gap in the information that addresses the school age child’s ability to have an impact upon the mother’s development. What has been written concurs with what has been previously said about

13 parenthood as a developmental phase. Relationalists (Altman, Briggs, Frankel, Gensler and Pantone, 2002) view parenthood as involving “decades of new experiences, and it also evokes identifications and experiences from the parent’s childhood” (p. 72). Similar to Teresa Benedek’s perspective, the relational authors look at parenthood as a period of potential growth for the adult. They feel issues from the parent’s past are bound to be revived in the current context of the parent/child relationship. They view the task of the parent is to rework old issues and not interfere with or impair their child’s development.

Aside from the relational perspective, there are other articles that address the child’s impact upon the parent. These articles support the hypothesis that issues can become reawakened in the parent/child dyad relating to unresolved issues from the parent’s past.

Turrini and Mendell (1995) write, “the mother’s own childhood dynamics are reactivated in empathic attunement as her child progresses through those same stages” (p. 6).

Galatzer-Levy and Cohler (1993) discuss how powerful conflicts and issues from a parent’s past can be evoked through their involvement with their child as they navigate through the various developmental stages. They also agree that a parent has an opportunity to reconnect with unresolved issues and rework them in a more adaptable way, “Many aspects of the parent’s self may thus be shaped through parenting. The child serves as an essential other in their development” (p. 280).

Many articles speak to the notion of how children begin to represent and reflect certain aspects of the parent’s self. Ryft and Seltzer, (1996) explain “how children function in life becomes for many parents a major statement about their own resources and strength” (p. 6). Galatzer-Levy and Cohler (1993) also conclude, “the child’s

14 successes (and failures) serve as a measure of the parents’ adequacy in fulfilling the central adult role of parenthood” (p. 281).

While keeping all of this in mind, there appears to be a void in the literature in regards to the impact of school age children upon their parents. A number of articles discuss the child’s effect upon the parents during the course of the child’s development, beginning with infancy, adolescence and then adulthood. However, very few speak to the dynamics between a school age child and their mother. Even less has been written about the ways in which mothers address the issues that trigger reactions within them.

Theoretical and Conceptual Framework The theory that was originally stated as providing the conceptual framework for the study was relational self psychology. However, a relational perspective has proven to not be as useful because the mothers did not focus upon relational concerns or issues.

Instead, the mothers were preoccupied with their own experiences and personal narratives that reflected memories, worries and concerns. Self psychology and feminist theory seem to provide a more adequate theoretical lens in which to interpret the findings while offering further insight into the mother’s internal life.

Self psychology views healthy development as emanating from relationships with significant others that have provided self sustaining selfobject experiences that are gradually internalized and that contribute to the individual’s psychic structure. Self psychologists feel that a balanced, lively and cohesive self is the result of healthy self/self object experiences that satisfy the individual’s need for mirroring or idealizing. When either of these needs are chronically frustrated, a variety of self disorders ensue (Kohut &

15 Wolf 1978). Unresolved issues result in self-deficits which an individual may attempt to repair through a variety of coping mechanisms that may further weaken the self.

Self psychology provides a framework in which to understand the mother’s internal life and the meaning her child evokes within her. The mother’s sense of self may be anchored in healthy and vitalizing selfobject experiences or vulnerable to feelings of depletion and fragmentation. A child has the potential to evoke a variety of experiences for the mother. A mirroring selfobject experience provides one with a sense of feeling confirmed and validated. An idealizing selfobject experience offers important opportunities for one to feel as though they are a part of an admired and respected other (Wolf 1988). A child, as Galatzer-Levy and Cohler (1993) explain, can become a parent’s “essential other” and provide a parent with a wide range of selfobject experiences.

Feminist theory as put forth by Miller (1976), Chodorow (1978) and Gilligan (1982) challenges many aspects of psychoanalytic theory claiming it misrepresents women. They believe traditional theories are based on male development which characterizes women’s behavior as “more childish, dependent and less moral” (Ross & Zickler, 1996, p. 3). The task of several feminist writers has been to reexamine differences between men and women and challenge notions of what constitutes healthy as well as maladaptive behavior. They feel a woman’s behavior is often misinterpreted and considered pathological because it has been viewed through a masculine lens of development. Feminists attempt to demonstrate how a woman has a different orientation to the world and that her sense of self is based on her ability to function within a

16 relationship. Whereas existing theories valorize independence and autonomy, feminists view a woman’s need for relationships as normative and a developmental achievement.

Feminist theory offers a framework in which to understand the unique characteristics of women. It challenges many traditional perceptions of women and attempts to more accurately describe female development by incorporating a woman’s greater need for connection and attachment.

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CHAPTER III

METHODOLOGY

Design and Type of Study This is an exploratory qualitative study. According to Creswell (2003), a qualitative study is an approach that allows the researcher to develop a “level of detail about the individual or place and to be highly involved in the actual experience of the participants” (p. 181). To accomplish this, a researcher typically goes into the home or office of the participant and gathers information first hand. The researcher attempts to build a rapport with the participant that will put them at ease and allow a deeper level of sharing. This provides the researcher with data that have the potential to be intimate, in-depth, and richer in detail. This kind of detail and depth is important to the goals of this study, which are to explore the mother’s psychological experience of her latency age daughter.

Grounded theory provides the framework that is used to conduct this qualitative study. Grounded theory, according to Creswell, is when the “researcher attempts to derive a general, abstract theory of a process, action, or interaction grounded in the views of participants in a study” (p. 14). Grounded theory is an “unfolding research model” (p.

182) where information is gathered through interviews with participants over a period of time and continually compared and contrasted to existing data. Categories of meaning begin to take shape and certain themes and patterns of understanding begin to emerge from the material. This approach lends itself well to understanding the psychological

18 experience of the mother. Grounded theory will help elicit details from the mother that will capture the essence of her experience with her daughter.

Scope of Study, Setting, Population and Sampling, Sources, and Nature of Data The participants in this study consisted of 20 mothers of latency age daughters between the ages of six and ten. The participants were interviewed one time and provided the option of either meeting at my office or their home, depending upon their preference and level of comfort. The mothers in the study were predominantly Caucasian, middle age and from a middle to upper income socioeconomic background.

The participants were recruited by word of mouth through personal contacts but were not previously known to the researcher.

Participants were asked to recommend other women for the study who fit the criteria of being a mother of a latency age daughter. Lee (1993) calls this a snowball sample where the “researcher starts from an initial set of contacts and is then passed on by them to others, who in turn refer others and so on” (p. 65).

The participants were interviewed at one point in time. If additional information or clarification was necessary, another interview by either telephone or in person was scheduled. The data came from interviews that explored the central question pertaining to the mother’s experience of her daughter. The mother was asked two or three questions that probed her thoughts regarding her daughter. The mother’s narrative provided the data for the study. The one-on-one interview provided the framework for sharing deeper and more intimate thoughts and feelings.

19 Data Collection Methods and Instruments Data for the study were collected through interviews. Participants in the study were interviewed one time for approximately 1 to 2 hours. The interview was general in nature and began with an open-ended question that asked the mother to share her thoughts regarding her relationship with her daughter. This question provided an opportunity for a thoughtful and introspective discussion that facilitated a gradual sharing of deeper and more personal feelings. However, if this was not the case, additional questions were asked to gently probe the mother’s thoughts more directly. This seemed to stimulate a dialogue where the mother was able to expand on her feelings and have greater access to her own experience.

Data from the interviews were recorded through note taking. The interview was audio taped to ensure accuracy and transcribed at a later time. The data were analyzed using Strauss and Corbin’s (1990) grounded theory approach to data analysis.

Plan for Data Analysis The method for analyzing the data follows Strauss and Corbin’s (1990) grounded theory approach to data analysis. This approach examines the data, breaks it down into categories through a coding process, conceptualizes the data into common properties and then puts it back together in new ways. From this process, Strauss and Corbin believe a grounded theory will emerge (p. 57).

Strauss and Corbin identify three types of coding: open, axial, and selective (p. 58).

Open coding is “the process of breaking down, examining, comparing, conceptualizing, and categorizing data” (p. 61). Open coding involves closely examining the data by

20 pulling it apart and conceptualizing each thought or idea. Gradually, concepts are categorized according to common characteristics and then further developed into properties and dimensions.

Axial coding can take place alongside open coding. Both are considered separate analytic techniques but when processing data, the researcher will often alternate between one and the other. Strauss and Corbin define axial coding as “a set of procedures whereby data are put back together in new ways after open coding, by making connections between categories” (p. 96). In axial coding, categories are further examined in terms of certain conditions, the context in which they take place, intervening conditions, the action/interactional strategies and the consequences of those strategies.

Once all the categories and subcategories with their various dimensions and properties were identified, the researcher was challenged with reintegrating the data into a cohesive, grounded theory. This is accomplished, according to Strauss and Corbin, by selective coding, “selecting the core category, systematically relating it to the other categories, validating those relationships, and filling in categories that need further refinement and development” (p. 116). This was a complicated process but a necessary step to producing a theory that accurately reflects the data.

Limitations of the Research Plan There are several limitations to this research study. Participants in the study are predominantly white, well-educated, and middle to upper middle class women who have agreed to participate in the study. Participants are not a random sample nor are they representative of the general population. Consequently, findings from the study are not

21 generalizeable to all mothers. However, the material that did emerge from the study may reflect certain themes about a mother’s experience that cross social, cultural and economic lines. Obviously, this would warrant further investigation and require a study on a much larger scale.

Another limitation of the study was the bias of the researcher. My experience of parenting three latency age daughters at the time of the study presented certain challenges. A certain bias will be inevitable, but ongoing supervision with my committee chair and years of personal analysis and clinical training hopefully minimized the possibility of skewing the data.

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CHAPTER IV

FINDINGS

Description of Subjects The women who participated in the study were referred through acquaintances, colleagues and from the mothers themselves. Each individual who met the criterion of being a mother of a school age daughter between the ages of 6 and 10 was contacted by phone. Once the study was described to the potential participant, she was asked if an interview could be scheduled. Every woman contacted agreed to meet and all followed through with their scheduled appointments.

Twenty Caucasian mothers between the ages of 35-52 participated in the study; seven were aged between 35-39, eleven were between 40-45, one 47, and one 52. The participants in the study had either one or two school age daughters between the ages of 6-10; four 6-year-olds, six 7-year-olds, six 8-year-olds, five 9-year-olds, and four 10year-olds. Their daughters were currently enrolled in 1st through 5th grade. Two of the mothers had a high school education, eleven graduated from college; five were master’s level educated, and two held law degrees. All the women reported having had a career at some point in their lives. Three of them were working full time, five were working part time, and twelve were not employed outside the home.

Whether the women worked outside of the home or not, they all described very active lives both at home and within the community. All are highly involved in their

23 children’s lives. Their day-to-day existence consists of shuttling children back and forth to a variety of extracurricular activities, overseeing homework responsibilities and managing a number of volunteer commitments. Many of the women discussed the hectic pace of their lives and the occasional desire for a simpler life.

Once the mothers agreed to participate in the study, they were offered the option of meeting at their homes, my office or a coffee shop. The mothers unanimously chose to meet in their homes. When I arrived for the interview, the mothers were typically gracious and hospitable towards me. I was often offered something to drink and asked where I preferred to sit during the interview. Their homes were neat, well appointed with attractive furnishings, and located in middle to upper class neighborhoods. Their homes reflected their busy lives. Kitchens had calendars filled with scheduled activities. Stacks of their child’s school papers were strewn across desks and it was not uncommon to hear the phone ring and messages left regarding carpool, school functions or club meetings.

After we sat down and settled in, the interview began. Some of the women were initially reserved and somewhat anxious. A few asked for clarification of the research topic and were curious about my credentials and work history. As these questions were answered and we moved along through the interview, the women seemed to relax and feel more at ease. Most of the women were highly verbal, intelligent, and articulate.

There seemed to be a desire to talk, as though there were a backlog of thoughts and questions that were waiting to be expressed. Their candor and openness to talk was impressive. They demonstrated varying degrees of insight. Some of the women were more concrete and factual while others shared deeper and more sensitive material.

24 Based on the grounded theory approach to data collection, the interview began with an open-ended question asking the mother to describe her experience of her school age daughter. Their responses varied but typically followed a similar path. Many of the women initially responded to this question by providing a concrete description of their daughter; what she looks like, favorite activities, special talents and what she enjoys best about school. After describing their daughters in great detail, they tended to move into more sensitive and tender subjects that related more to the mother’s personal experience than to her relationship with her daughter. These women discussed memories of their own childhood, anxieties and worries regarding the uncertainty of parenting, and their hopes and dreams to provide a better life for their daughter. What emerged and what is described below is the mothers’ story. This includes themes and common threads that run throughout the interviews that have been broken down into categories and identified as the following: •

Memories of mother

•

Memories of father

•

Remembering your own stuff

•

Trying to figure it out

•

Life lessons

•

I have observed others

•

How my life has changed.

25 Memories of Mother The most prominent theme that emerged from the interviews and that was voiced by all of the women was memories of their relationship with their own mothers. These memories were rich in detail and infused with a wide spectrum of emotions. They were spontaneously offered and seemed to crop up throughout the interview. The stories and memories the women shared evoked both positive and negative feelings. The women seemed to either warmly reflect upon their experience of being mothered or looked back with sadness and disappointment. Others presented a more mixed picture where they recognized certain strengths in their mothers but were critical of their weaknesses.

Regardless, these women have memories that have been internalized and that continue to influence their thoughts and feelings.

My Mother Was My Biggest Fan The positive memories reported below seem to reflect the women’s experience of feeling adequately mirrored, affirmed, and unconditionally loved. These women felt their mothers were emotionally available and attuned to their needs. They attributed feelings of well being and confidence to mothers who believed in them and who recognized their individual talents and strengths.

Many of the positive memories shared were related to feeling supported and treated like an individual. One woman who was talking about having a very different personality from her sister, who was close in age, admired how, “My mom valued our differences and she certainly recognized it and always talked about it. She recognized everyone had their own special qualities.� This woman went on to have two daughters of

26 her own who also were close in age but very different in temperament and spirit. She attributes the capacity to attune to her daughters’ differences and unique qualities as coming from her own experience with her mother.

Other women, while talking about the importance of building self esteem in their daughters, referenced how they developed confidence and a strong sense of self from their mothers. One mother said, “I have very strong self esteem and I think a lot of it is because my mother has sort of fostered my attributes and she is my biggest fan.”

Another mother stated, “My mother showed us a sense of confidence and well being so we all could do and figure it out. She just said we were going to be great and we would do fine and we would just figure it out.” A few other women described their mother’s unconditional love and acceptance as being vital to their development, “No matter what I did as a kid, there was never a doubt that she loved you. She was my moral compass and she was absolutely devoted to me.”

Several of the women describe life lessons they were taught by their mothers that have left a lasting impression. One mother told how her mother believed in character building, “The character building was so good, my brother, sister, and I were able to do that and able to reach out to people without feeling like we were going to be judged.”

Another woman said, “My mom taught me to think about other people’s feelings first.”

A few women shared how their mother’s love of reading, creativity, intelligence, and spontaneity influenced them, “She was a very intelligent woman, and she would read to us. The holidays were rich and colorful.” Another woman shared, “My mother told me my job was to read to my kids, she was about making learning fun.” Another remembered, “She was just a silly, fun, very positive, carefree mother.”

27 While talking about the positive aspects of their relationship with their mothers, many of the women were acutely aware of how they consciously want to incorporate aspects of their mother into their current life, “I definitely think my relationship with my mom has something to do with my personality.” Another woman stated, “I am sure there are aspects of my childhood that have influenced me.” Consequently, many of these women want to emulate their mothers, “I try to be like her, I think I am a little bit more conservative and structured than she ever was.” These mothers want to pass down what felt good, “My mother was my biggest fan and that is what I hope to be to my children, their cheerleader, their champion.” A few more women made similar statements, “I think I try to take what my mom was really good at and incorporate that into my parenting.”

My Mom Just Wasn’t There As stated above, several women positively reflected upon their own mothers and their early years together. However, the data revealed a significant number of women who describe negative experiences. Many of the women interviewed were critical of their mothers and how they were parented. They talked at length about their mother’s lack of involvement, inability to communicate, lack of attunement, over-determined need to control, and emotional distance due to their mother’s mental illness or stressful circumstances within the home. Their individual stories are compelling and continue to punctuate their everyday lives.

Several of the women described their mother’s lack of involvement in similar ways: “My mother just wasn’t there;” “My mom was more hands off;” “She wasn’t paying attention to us;” and “She wasn’t really involved with me.” A few of the women

28 felt this detached parenting style reflected the era in which they were raised and the old saying, “children are to be seen and not heard.” However, the emotional distance was painfully felt and reported by many, “I felt like I was on my own since I was little, once I was in 4th grade and up, I just picked my classes and did my own thing.”

Another group of women shared how difficult it was to talk with their mothers about personal matters relating to their bodies, friends, problems at school, sex, and drugs. They seemed to feel their mothers did a poor job, “I still remember how my mom talked to me about the birds and bees. That was horrible.” Or, they described how the mother avoided it all together, “I couldn’t talk about anything related to sex or drugs.

Anything related to the body you just didn’t talk about. They were taboo subjects.” One woman laments how her mother never told her about getting a period or anything related to growing up, “She wouldn’t tell me about things, about getting older.”

A few of the women were puzzled by the lack of communication with their mothers. These women remember that the communication between them was poor or non-existent, “I am not sure why I didn’t feel comfortable and not sure why I didn’t share as much” and “I never thought of turning to my mother when I had a problem.” Other women knew why they couldn’t talk and identified specific reasons, “My mother was also a bit of a gossip, so I was also afraid if I shared something, she would tell her friends. I think for that reason partly, I was a bit more closed, like I didn’t want it to be spread around.”

In addition to poor communication and lack of involvement, a surprising number of women poignantly shared the hardships they endured while growing up with a mother who was mentally ill. These women had mothers who suffered from chronic alcoholism,

29 depression, or schizophrenia. A woman whose mother struggled with depression during her entire childhood said, “She tried to commit suicide several times. It was very frightening. My whole life I was walking on eggshells wondering if mommy was going to the hospital.” Compounding her already stressful home life was the lack of discussion about her mother’s illness, “We never talked about it.”

One woman talked about her mother’s struggle with schizophrenia and her resistance through the years to comply with treatment and medication, “I was one of five.

My mom is schizophrenic. It was not a fun childhood; it was more of a practical childhood.” Growing up was chaotic for this woman and similar for another whose mother was a chronic alcoholic. This woman wondered out loud, “Where was her being?

I just felt like, I couldn’t respect her. I didn’t look to my mother for mothering because she wasn’t really capable.”

Chaotic and unpredictable is how another woman described her childhood. She had come to realize as an adult that her mother was abusive during her childhood, “My mother had a temper and could be verbally abusive if she wasn’t in a good mood. You didn’t know day to day what she would be like.”

Another group of women told of parents divorcing when they were children and the impact it had on their mothers and life at home, “My parents got divorced when I was young and so my mother was struggling with a lot of things and that didn’t give me much access to her. My problems were not the most important problems in the household.”

Another woman shared similar feelings, “Because of the situation with my dad, my mom was caught up in her own problems as opposed to us.”

30 Although these women were visibly pained and saddened by what they endured as children, many of them were able to talk about forgiveness and the ability to understand their mother’s illness, “She wasn’t available to me and my brother and so I don’t blame her. I know she did her best and luckily by the time I got to high school they found the right types of medicine.” Another woman reflected, “I think my mother wasn’t nurtured so it was hard for her to have a nurturing presence.” A few other women made similar statements and openly wondered about their own mother’s experience of being mothered, “I can only guess about her upbringing.” One woman felt her mother’s issues stemmed from her inability to have any downtime while raising a large family, I think her anger would come out when she didn’t have that down time or quiet time, but she couldn’t have it because she had six kids. . . . Understanding myself has helped me to understand my mom, I realize for myself my own need for downtime and if I don’t get it, I start getting angry. At least I’m starting to see the similarities; I can see the path I would take where I would do what she would do.

I Hope to Serve My Daughter Better While discussing what they felt was missing from their childhood, a significant number of women further elaborated on wanting something better for their daughters.

Their comments were emphatically made and said with a sense of determination and a commitment to be a better mother, “I know I don’t want to have what happened between me and my mom to happen between me and my daughter.” And, “I want something better then what I had with my mom.” Along similar lines, another woman made it clear, “I hope to serve my daughter better. I wasn’t close to my mother and I don’t think it is the same relationship that I will have with my daughter.” Another woman shared, “I definitely recognize that I would like to have a different relationship with my daughter than I had with my mother. I hope the end result is a better relationship.”

31 Along with making statements about wanting to be better mothers, many of the women specifically identified certain aspects of the relationship they wanted to improve or further develop with their daughters, “I want the lines of communication to be open. If she has a question, I want her to come to me and not hold it in.” A woman who felt her independence was thwarted by her mother’s need for control is determined to foster her daughter’s individuality, “When I compare it to my background, I want my daughter to be involved in things she is interested in and not tell her the direction to take. I don’t want her to be ever fearful of approaching me about something she is curious about.”

Feeling stifled by her mother’s domineering personality, another woman concluded, “I have decided that my mother’s advice was not good on that and not healthy along the way, which is the one thing I tried to change when parenting my daughter. I am trying to let her be herself a lot more.” This woman, in particular, grew up in a serious and pressured household. During the interview, she acknowledged having to monitor herself in order to allow her daughter the room to breathe and the permission to be herself because she did not want to repeat the mistakes of her mother.

Other women commented on stressful conditions in their childhood home due to divorce or strained relationships between parents. Consequently, these women are committed to providing a different environment than which they grew up, “I didn’t grow up with two parents. I am so happy that my daughter is growing up in a house with two parents and that she has positive role models. She can see a healthy marriage.” Another woman reported, “I want a solid foundation and both parents in the home, I did not have that.” A few others described mothers trapped in unhappy marriages and dependent on husbands and how disturbing it was to witness their mother’s passivity, “I don’t want my

32 daughter to ever think she is inferior to a man.” This woman wants to be a better role model for her daughter, “I want to be there as a woman that is strong and have a defined sense of self that is not dependent on a man, that is the one thing I would consciously try and change from my childhood.”

Whether positive or negative, these women’s experience of being mothered surfaced throughout every interview. The comments about their mothers are not only significant because of the frequency in which they were made but also in terms of the affect attached. The topic seemed to be highly charged and had the capacity to elicit a variety of reactions from the women. Those who reported favorable experiences with their mothers made conscious choices to repeat with their daughters what they felt was positive. The mirroring and validating behavior of their mothers seems to have been internalized and identified with as they attempt to raise their daughters. The negative memories are potent and have left considerable residue. These memories have psychologically impacted the women who are acutely aware of the deficits in their own upbringing. Consequently, these women want to provide a different mothering experience for their daughters where the hardships and the misattunements they experienced while growing up are not perpetuated.

Memories of Father In contrast to memories of their mothers, memories of their fathers emerge with less intensity and affect. As the women talked about their daughters and were recalling certain childhood experiences, memories of their fathers gradually began to make their way into the conversation. It is interesting to note that most of the women never

33 mentioned or even specifically referenced their father in the interview, but for those who did it was typically related to a story regarding their mother. Memories of their fathers seemed secondary to memories of their mothers. For the women who shared memories, their experiences were varied. They either described their fathers as distant and detached, controlling, or to the contrary, as someone they respected and admired.

He Didn’t Get Really Involved The distant father is described by a few women as an emotionally removed and remote figure in their lives, “He didn’t get really involved too much. He really had no interest.” These fathers were busy at work and uninvolved in the day-to-day happenings within the home. In contrast to their feelings towards mothers who were felt to be emotionally absent, these women did not outwardly express the same degree or depth of anger and disappointment. They discussed the lack of availability and involvement with a sense of acceptance and resignation. Their father was no different than the father next door. One woman remembered that her father never attended her sporting events, “He never came to my games, that’s how it was for a lot of us when we were younger.”

Echoing a similar sentiment, another woman said, “My dad was my brother’s coach, but he would never have considered being mine. But at that time, they did what they knew.”

He Rewrote all My Essays Another group of fathers was depicted as controlling and autocratic in their approach to parenting. One woman, who grew up in a military family, felt her father’s need for perfection was excessive, “He rewrote all of my essays because he wanted them

34 to be perfect.” This father decided upon the college his daughter was to attend and the area of study she had to pursue. Consequently, this mother is strongly considering a return to college to obtain a degree in an area of interest that more accurately reflects her desires and talents. Another woman described a similar household where her father ruled with an iron fist, “In my home growing up, my dad had the final say.” Her father’s opinions and feelings dominated every decision made during her childhood.

My Dad Is Such a Good, Fair Man A third, but small, group of women shared stories about their fathers that reflected another type. As these women talked about their daughters during the interview and then digressed into telling their own personal story, they described fathers who played a more significant role in their lives. One woman experienced her father as emotionally strong and able to handle problems within their home with confidence and ease, “I remember my dad as being very patient and being able to deal with every situation. I don’t know, my dad always seemed to know the right words to say.” Another woman who seemed to idealize her father and experienced him as having a calming and soothing presence remembered, “I learned from my dad how to be calm in the face of trouble.” And, “I use my dad as a role model, be fair, don’t raise your voice, and don’t be selfish.”

A few women, whose mothers were physically and psychologically unavailable due to mental illness or stressful circumstances within their childhood home, admired their fathers for having the capacity to fill the void left by their impaired mothers. These fathers were able to provide the caretaking and nurturing needed during a vulnerable period in these women’s lives. A woman who was mentioned previously and whose

35 mother suffered from a debilitating depression admires her father for taking care of her and her brother, “My dad was trying to take care of us, trying to work and take care of two little kids and deal with my mom.” She gives credit to her father for keeping the family intact and relatively stable during a critical period of her mother’s illness.

Another woman whose mother was an alcoholic appreciates and deeply respects her father who was able to compensate for the lack of nurturing in their childhood home, “My dad was very hands on and he was really good with us. I think my dad felt he had to be the more nurturing parent.”

Whether the father was perceived as controlling, uninvolved, or the more nurturing parent, the women interviewed did not seem to attach the same degree of significance to their fathers as they did their mothers. Although fathers were discussed, they seemed to be more in the background of the women’s narratives. This was reflected in the number of women who did not reference their fathers during the interview and in the affect attached to their comments. For some of the women, in particular, those who had distant fathers, their lack of involvement was an accepted way of functioning and seen as the norm during that time. For the women who described fathers in more positive and favorable terms, these fathers are idealized for demonstrating a capacity to parent and compensate for a mother compromised by illness or circumstances. Consequently, these women claimed to have internalized their fathers’ strengths and a capacity to draw upon them when needed.

36 Remembering Your Own Stuff As the women continued to tell their stories, not only did specific memories of mother and father come to mind, but also memories of their own childhoods. These memories include more general descriptions of growing up within families of origin plus significant school and friend experiences.

My Family Is Not What You Call Close Similar to how mothers and fathers have been described, several of the women referenced their families of origin as reflecting both strengths and weaknesses. For some, growing up was compromised by complicated family dynamics. Several of the women openly shared how life within their family home while growing up was not ideal and was lacking the cohesion, security and comfort that they needed and that they have worked so hard to establish within their current family situations. One woman described a household dominated by fighting, “There was lots of fighting, and it was chaotic when I was younger. I never knew if we were going to have to move or who was going to ring the doorbell.” Another woman said, “We were not a tight knit family. We did not have a tight bond. When your parents are not together it is a challenge.”

In addition to the lack of closeness within their families, a few women commented upon their relationships with siblings that either provided them with much needed support or disappointment and frustration. One woman cannot forget how, “I spent years getting over the fact that my sister told me I was fat and I don’t want to ever instill that in my kids.” Another woman credited her relationship with her sisters as providing a buffer to parents who were embroiled in constant conflict, “I had all my

37 siblings to lean on.” Her siblings were able to provide the stability and comfort that was lacking within a home overrun by disorder and chaos.

Some of the women spoke in more general terms about the impact of their early years upon their ability to parent. One mother said, “Having my daughter has really challenged me to look back in to my own childhood and upbringing and it has been interesting because I had to really reflect, because how I was raised, it is not working 100% for me.” This woman felt she was unprepared to handle the demands of her family that fell outside her comfort zone. She looked back upon her upbringing and felt her family dynamics have limited her capacity to parent. Another mother reflected similarly upon her childhood, “I developed some strategies as a child that worked very well and I am trying to unlearn a couple of them that are now my neuroses as an adult. I don’t need to use them.” She discovered that some of the behaviors and defenses that helped her cope as a child now interfere in her adult life.

When My Daughter Talks about Things, It Brings Back Memories In addition to sharing memories of growing up, many of the women also recalled significant school and friend experiences. As the women talked about these experiences, several of them mentioned, with surprise, how having their daughters has brought back memories from their past. One woman said, “Having my daughter has made me think about my childhood a lot. Like things I have forgotten.” These kinds of statements often prefaced many of the women’s stories about their childhood friendships and school experiences. Another woman claimed, “When my daughter talks about things, it brings back memories. I can relate to her.” Several others stated, “As you see your daughter go

38 through these social issues it recalls for you what it feels like growing up” and “My theory is that it will always stir up experiences and emotions from my childhood” and “I have memories of school, but you know, every woman has those memories.” These women seemed to have an awareness of the emotional impact of having a child and how certain experiences with their daughters have the potential to bring back old memories.

Another woman shared, “I remember my 3rd and 4th grade, and when my daughter is telling me things, I immediately start to get a little tense. I have to tell myself, ‘Hey chill out, you’re remembering your own stuff!’”

I Remember the Drama of 2nd and 3rd Grade As the women commented upon the phenomenon of remembering past events, they continued to reveal memories about significant childhood experiences. These stories seemed to be prompted by witnessing their daughter’s attempts to form and develop relationships with others. One highly evocative memory for many of the women is their experience of being left out and excluded from their peer groups. Many of the women related personal experiences of feeing rejected, confused and hurt as they navigated the social milieu of school. One woman vividly recalled 5th grade, “I remember how hard it was with those girls. Both groups hated me. I thought they were whispering about me and I just remember being very pained. I was devastated.” The pain was equally felt by another woman who said, “I remember the drama of 2nd and 3rd grade because so-and-so wasn’t nice at recess.”

Some of the women spoke about their anguish over not fitting in during their high school years. One woman remembered, “In my freshman year, I have vivid memories of

39 not fitting in or knowing who I was and caring what other people thought of me. Even to this day, I care what others think.” Others, sharing similar sentiments stated, “I remember feeling insecure and kind of figuring out who I was” and “When I was in high school, there were three of us that were best friends, so I know what it feels like. I think at different times we all felt left out.” One woman, in particular, talked at length about an experience in school that continues to be a source of sadness and regret, “One of my saddest things in high school and college was my best friend, my closest friend since 5th grade, we had a falling out.” This woman was a gifted student and athlete who felt that others could not handle her success, “I had a lot of problems in high school with girls being able to handle competition and a relationship.” Another woman described a regrettable situation in high school where she was the instigator behind an unkind attack upon another student. “I remember one specific incident, I remember being the mean one.

I was not nice to this other girl and I just still feel bad about it.”

A few women commented on their positive experience of making and keeping friends from their childhood. One mother described how she met her best friends when she was in grade school and how they have continued to have a strong bond through the years, “We still have that common experience and just the shared experience of growing up and we have always stuck by each other and probably always will.” This mother hopes her daughter will be able to establish the same type of relationship with other girls that will last through the years and feel just as positive and healthy as it has for her.

Another woman smiled as she recalled her childhood friends who she felt were indispensable and who continue to be a part of her life, “I only had good memories of my relationships with my friends growing up.”

40 Other women shared stories about school that were not related to friends but still highly meaningful and significant. These women talked about experiences that came to mind as their daughters dealt with similar situations. A mother whose daughter tried out for the school play and did not receive a callback, remembered vividly, “When I was in high school, I tried out for a show every year and I didn’t get one until my senior year.”

This mother remembered the disappointment and angst she felt when she was not asked to be in the school play and it quickly came back to her when her daughter had a similar experience. Another woman whose daughter was struggling academically remembered her own difficulties, “When I was growing up, I had a learning disability and I went to an after school program.” Memories of receiving special attention at school resonate with her as she attempts to address her daughter’s learning issues.

For many of these women, having a daughter seems to stimulate memories of their own upbringing. These memories include not only their relationship with their mother and father but also the dynamics within their family of origin plus significant school and friend experiences. These memories seemed to come to mind as the women discussed their daughters and issues related to school or friends. Many of them spoke to the highly evocative nature of having a daughter and how this has brought back long forgotten memories.

Fortunately, for many of these women, these memories are attached to feelings that have stayed with them over the years and have allowed them to connect more deeply and empathically with their daughters. Several of the women have stated how they can resonate with their daughters’ feelings. One woman explained, “I can relate to how my daughter is feeling, I know how cruel girls can be.” Another woman attempted to reach

41 out to her daughter by telling her, “I was in grade school already, like I did this already. I know this will happen, trust me.” Another woman who is aware of her tendency to overreact to her daughter’s growing pains said, “I try to take a step back. I am so conscious of what 4th grade was like.” This particular woman works very hard to manage her feelings and temper her reactions. This woman and several others who were interviewed seem to be able to use their own experiences as a way to guide them as they attempt to relate to their daughters.

Trying to Figure It Out Along with discussing past experiences and at various points throughout the interview, several of the women began to share their concerns and anxieties about raising their daughters. The uncertainty of parenting and not always knowing the right answers seems to challenge these women on a daily basis. In addition, these women also discussed concerns about the accelerated pace of their daughter’s lives and how they are having to face issues at a much younger age than previous generations. The women also voiced their frustrations about overburdened schedules of school and extracurricular activities. Many of them questioned the wisdom behind doing too much and longing for the quieter, less hectic moments with their children. Fortunately, many of these women try to cope with their anxiety and stress by seeking out support from a good friend who helps them mediate feelings of isolation and worry.

42 Sometimes I Don’t Know Many of the women shared how difficult it is to raise a daughter and how sometimes they don’t know the answers to a variety of parenting issues. They described sitting with feelings of uncertainty and doubt and wonder if they are making the right choices. One mother related her attempts to sort out how much or little she should schedule for her daughter. She often found herself caught between what everyone else is doing and her own feelings about what is right, “It’s a dilemma because you see everybody else do it and you tend to think, well, maybe I should be doing what everybody else is doing.” Another mother echoed these same concerns, “You look around at what other people are doing and you think, “Is it okay? I just don’t know.”

These two mothers struggle to differentiate the individual needs of their daughter from that of her peer group.

Another woman stated directly and simply, “Sometimes, I just don’t know.” This kind of statement was made in a variety of ways regarding a number of topics throughout the interview. Many women remarked, “I don’t necessarily know what to tell her” and “Sometimes I don’t know the right questions to ask” and “I wonder if I was too rough, should I not have done anything?” One mother elaborated on her feelings of uncertainty, “Most times I feel grounded, but I think once in a while I take a step back and I think, ‘Am I doing the right thing here?’” Another mother attempted to put the ongoing dilemma of parenting into perspective, “You can’t always do things right or run the best, happy home. You know it is hard everyday to sustain the patience and the right tone of voice and knowing when to discipline or not.”

43 A few women talked about their attempts to better understand their daughter’s needs and how it has been an ongoing and sometimes difficult process. A mother who has struggled with her daughter felt, “I am learning a lot about my daughter. I told her last night it has taken me just this long to figure this out. I am trying to learn what is under her control and what is not.” Another woman, in her attempts to better comprehend a certain situation with her daughter, learned it is better to take a step back and listen before responding. She explained, “I’ll get stressed out and then I will think, ‘Well, wait a minute, I’m putting 43 years of experience into listening to what she is saying.’ It’s too easy to think ahead of yourself.” Both of these women feel their capacity to parent is continuing to evolve and that they are trying to figure out the best solutions as they move forward.

Other questions and uncertainties that arise for the women relate to specific situations. One woman questioned whether she has provided her daughter with enough opportunities to explore her individual interests and talents, “I wonder if I have exposed her to enough. I wonder if I’ve missed a whole avenue of piano and flute.” Another woman struggled over whether or not to allow her daughter to drop out of a dance class.

The family rule dictated that once a commitment was made to an extracurricular activity, they were not allowed to quit before the end of the session. This woman’s daughter strongly disliked the class and begged her mother to reconsider the family rule.

So, when she started balking about the dance class, I struggled with should she or should she not go. I then observed her a couple of times in dance class and then I really had no problem in saying, ‘Okay, you can drop it, you’ve got too much going on.’

A few other women wondered whether they were giving too much or too little guidance to their daughter. They did not want to thwart their daughter’s independence

44 but at the same time they wanted to be involved. One woman explained, “Part of me is wondering how much you get involved? I want her to learn herself so I try and keep my mouth shut.” Another woman shared the same concern, “I wonder, where is that fine line. Do we give our kids too much authority?”

I Feel so Helpless and Worried Along with the experience of not knowing all the answers and dealing with the unknowns of parenting, several of the mothers described moments of feeling helpless and worried. These feelings seemed to arise in the interview when the mothers described some of their daughters as having difficulty or struggling with an issue. The women expressed feelings of anguish and distress when they felt unable to help them. One common source of heartache for the women involved their daughters’ struggles with friends. This seems to be a source of deep concern and worry for a number of the women. Witnessing or hearing first hand from their daughters that they were hurt by another classmate or not included goes right to the heart of many of these women. One mother whose daughter complained about having no one to play with at recess described her feelings, “It was very painful. That first month of school I saw what was happening and I could not make it different for her. I felt very helpless and worried.” Another woman whose daughter was having similar difficulties explained, “ I see her at swim meets and she’s sitting by herself. These are the things I worry about. I worry if she is a little aloof. I just wish she was a bit more social.” Another mother shared her concerns about her daughter’s vulnerability to be hurt, “Just because she is fun and likeable, is someone not going to like her for that? My concern is that friendship can be so hurtful.”

45 Other mothers further elaborated upon the worries that often plague them and that have the potential to create restless nights and internal havoc. One mother described, “When my daughter came home with stuff, I’d worry about it all day. I would think about it and not be able to shake it and it would keep me up all night.” A few other mothers voiced worries about not what is going on at the moment, but rather, what may happen when their daughters become teenagers. One mother said, “I’m just worried. I am just worried that junior high and high school will bring on a whole other set of things.” Another mother added, “I worry about the teen years. Just what is down the line. Just losing control of what path she is on.”

Things Are Happening too Early The women were not only preoccupied with the uncertainties of parenting but several were also concerned with their daughters having to face issues at a much earlier age than previous generations. They felt that their daughters were being rushed to grow up and pressured to deal with school and social issues at a premature age. A few mothers shared these observations, “This is stuff we dealt with in high school, not 2nd grade” and “The 4th grade of today was the 6th grade years ago.” These women commented upon the level of sophistication of today’s girls and how they look and act much older than their actual age. They attribute unrealistic expectations from school, social and academic competition and the oversexualization of today’s girls as contributing to this phenomenon.

One mother discussed this trend among grade school girls and commented, “I find everything is to an exponent: appearances, sexuality, and self consciousness.” A few

46 others agree and stated, “I think all of these insecurities, all those girls’ issues are thrust upon them a little bit early,” and “It is just all the sad stuff happening already. I just think it is too early.” Many of these mothers were trying to slow their daughters down and were making efforts to protect them from unnecessary social and academic pressure. One mother who attempts to do this claimed, “I just feel they need to preserve their childhood as long as possible and climb trees and enjoy things without a lot of pressure. I am not rushing her to grow up.” Several mothers provided examples of forbidding their girls to dress a certain way, not allowing the use of I-Pods or extensive time on the computer and monitoring their schedules so that they are not overbooked and burdened with too many activities.

The Stress of Their Schedules During the interview, many of the mothers continued to talk at length about the pressure and stress placed upon them and their families as the result of their daughters’ homework requirements and extracurricular activities. The mothers complained about the amount of homework. One mother felt, “When my daughter has homework, I feel like I have homework. Her homework feels like my agenda.” Another mother blamed the school, “This is my gripe with the school, what I hate most about the school, I am my girls’ second teacher.” Many mothers described feeling overwhelmed and worn down by all the pressure. One mother explained, “Just having a schedule that is too crowded definitely translates into stress in our life and me not having any patience and yelling.”

Another mother agreed, “When their schedules get overcrowded it just spills onto you everyday.” The pressure can be intense and seems to affect everyone, another mother

47 claimed, “I just feel like everyday is such a grind. I don’t feel like we are enjoying the day.”

Some of the women not only blame the school for the excessive amount of homework, but they also felt living in an affluent and highly competitive community where children have too many opportunities to do whatever they desire, creates unnecessary pressure. One mother observed, “There is just a lot to do and there is just a lot offered to them and a lot of these kids around here do a lot of things and I think that creates stress.” Sharing a similar view, another mother stated, “There is tremendous pressure living here.” While aware of the pressure, a few mothers were determined to not overload their daughters’ schedules. One mother was trying to pare down the number of activities her daughter was involved in, “I am trying to cut things out that they don’t care about.” Another mother was proud to share, “We were actually successful at not signing up for a lot of things. It was great, we hung out!”

I Talk a Lot to a Friend While dealing with hectic schedules, excessive homework and the day-to-day anxiety and worry of being a parent, the mothers have needed to find an outlet and a way to cope. Having a friend seems to provide a few of the mothers with someone they can vent to, check out concerns with and not feel alone in their worries. One mother found great comfort in having friends to connect with, “When you find out that other people are feeling the same as you do, it is very reassuring.” Another mother claimed, “I have friends who I can say to, ‘I just need 10 minutes to whine and then I will be done.’” This particular mother has a learning-disabled daughter who was just finishing a challenging

48 year in school. She continued, “I can’t imagine not talking about it. It has been very difficult. I have great friends and wonderful support.”

Having friends who are seasoned parents and who already have shepherded a daughter through a particular stage of development seems to provide a few mothers with great comfort, “What is nice for me as a parent of a daughter who is going through this for the first time is talking to these moms whose daughters are in 7th or 8th grade and who have been through it already. I mean, it really, really helps.” Another mother agreed, “It is nice to hear from other moms that this is not unusual, to hear that they can go through this a lot and still come out okay” Questions and concerns about making the best choices for their daughters permeate many of these mothers’ thoughts and feelings. The women seem to want to make decisions for their daughters that will best promote healthy development. Efforts to accomplish this do not come easily. The women struggle with not always knowing the right or best answer. They are aware of the many distractions that have the potential to derail and distort their thoughts. Having to contend with peer pressure, school and community influences that are not always positive, present the women with countless challenges. While dealing with all of this, the women have found refuge in the comfort of relationships with friends that seem to provide a respite from the stress and worry.

Feeling understood and reassured while making one’s way though a particular stage of parenting offers an important outlet for these women.

49 Life Lessons Despite having many questions and concerns about raising their daughters, several of the mothers identified personal beliefs that inform their approach to parenting.

The experience of parenting challenges these beliefs but a group of women expressed their determination and resolve during the interview to hold to certain standards and principles that help guide and ground them as they face a multitude of parenting challenges. This category, Life Lessons, describes the mothers’ values, principles and the particular life lessons they want to teach their daughters. It is their belief, that these lessons will provide their daughters with the essential tools for living happy, successful and independent lives.

I Have Always Believed The values and beliefs expressed by the women seem to reflect important thoughts and feelings that underlie their personalities and approach to daily living. These values seem to be used as a guide for setting parameters around certain choices and decisions. One mother discussed at length her opposition to living a certain lifestyle and the challenges this creates for her and her family who live in a highly affluent community. She did not want her daughter’s life to revolve around shopping and materialism. She explained, “There are three kids in my daughter’s class that have their own private jet and so when she says everybody else has 12 pairs of jeans, she is right. It is hard to stick up for what you believe in, but I couldn’t live any other way.” This mother works hard to hold to her principles and live a life that is true to her beliefs. She elaborated further, “My daughter knows her friend’s mothers shop all day, and she knows

50 how I feel about that. I don’t criticize the other mothers, but she knows those are not the values or the type of person I would want to be.”

A few other mothers espouse similar values. They wonder how they can cultivate a certain value system in their children when they are surrounded by privilege and wealth. One mother shared her concern, “How do I transmit my values to them besides just letting them grow up on the North Shore and expect to achieve wealth and happiness?” Another mother agreed and felt strongly, “Having things does not make me happy. It is hard to teach that when you are surrounded by wealth.” Consequently, this mother makes a concerted effort to monitor what she buys and avoids excessive and unnecessary purchases. She also volunteers in the city where she works with underprivileged families. She includes her daughters and hopes the experience will broaden their perceptions and further develop their capacity to think of others and minister to the less fortunate.

Another value identified by one of the women related to her belief that, “It takes a village to raise a child. I am such a believer in that.” This particular mother recently retired from a high-ranking position that required long hours and travel. She came to believe in the value of having an extended family and surrounding her daughters with loving caretakers.

The more people I can expose my children to and the more people that they know that they can rely on, I think the better. . . . I just want my kids to know how many people love them. There are just so many more things that they can do if they know that they are loved.

She came to deeply value the relationships her daughters were developing with her mother and sister. She also had a highly competent caregiver who was genuinely attached to her daughters. She felt their lives were greatly enhanced by the loving and

51 caring relationships they were able to develop with extended family and a devoted caretaker.

Living life in the moment is another value embraced by a few of the mothers.

One mother was determined to be available and not preoccupied by too many conflicting interests and activities, “That is not me, I don’t need to be in all the activities.“ This mother witnessed other women in her neighborhood exhausted and spread thin by becoming over involved in school and community activities. She stated, “I am going to be present even though you feel like you can’t do one more thing. Just try and be there.”

Another mother attempted to approach her life and parenting according to similar principles, “It is important to be patient, have fun, and be in the moment.” This mother had come to believe in the value of having laughter in their home and being able to relax and enjoy the present moment. She explained, “I try to relax and let go of the boundaries a little bit and go with the flow.”

A few other mothers felt it was important to live out their own lives, which involved having a career, friends, and outside interests. One mother believed in having firm boundaries with her children and not becoming over involved or intrusive. She has seen other mothers wrap themselves around their daughters’ issues and become enmeshed in their every move. This mother firmly stated, “I just don’t believe it is my place and I don’t have any interest to get involved. I am empathic to my girls’ needs. I just don’t dwell on it.” Another mother shared the same feelings, “It is important for my daughter to live out her own life.”

52 I Have Been Trying to Teach Her From these beliefs emerge a set of life lessons the mothers feel a responsibility to teach their daughters. The mothers view these as essential tools to develop for living a productive and satisfied life with integrity. One life lesson shared by several of the women and identified as an important skill to develop is the capacity for empathy. One mother claimed, “I think you have to make a point of teaching your children empathy, to know what it might feel like to be in that other person’s shoes.” Several mothers provided examples of how they have talked with their daughters about the importance of being sensitive to another’s feelings. One mother explained, “I talk with her and say, ‘How would you feel if this happened to you and how would you feel if you were treated this way?’” Another said, “We have tried to teach her, that it is not all about her.”

Empathy helps heighten an awareness of others and facilitates a capacity to treat others with respect and kindness. Another mother mentioned, “I am telling her to be respectful and nice to everybody. You don’t have to be friends with everybody but you have to be kind.”

In addition to empathy, a few mothers also identified self-esteem as being vital to their daughter’s development. Feeling confident and good about one’s self is what lays the foundation for living a balanced and harmonious life. These mothers want their daughters to feel emotionally strong and have a solid sense of self and inner worth that will allow them to achieve their potential. A mother of three girls elaborated, “I have girls and I want them to feel good about themselves and have good self esteem and know that they can do whatever they want to do and never feel like they have to be held back.”

53 Several of the mothers discussed how they feel a personal responsibility in helping their daughters feel confident and self-assured. One mother explained, “I think my job as my daughter’s parent is to create a strong, self sufficient and happy child.”

Another mother who grew up in a critical environment believed in the importance of being able to establish a secure and firm sense of self, “I want to help her realize that there is no perfect person, no perfect image of a person, there is no ideal. She needs to be happy with herself. If people don’t like me for who I am, so be it.” Another mother worked hard with her shy and somewhat passive daughter to build up her confidence, “I try to draw her out through experiences. We keep giving her opportunities to try different things out so that she feels confident about herself.” These mothers are committed to helping their daughters develop the internal resources that will provide them with a solid and secure foundation.

Knowing the difference between right and wrong and making responsible decisions is another life skill that some of the mothers want to teach their daughters.

These mothers want to instill in their daughters a capacity to think independently, use good judgment and do what is right. One mother repeated in the interview how she reminded her daughter on a frequent basis, “I tell her to remember what is right and wrong and that she is smart and old enough to know that if there is something that is not right, to not do it.” Another mother was aware of the impact of peer pressure and how easily one can be misled by others, “I try to make her see that people are going to tell you things that are not always true. I want her to adopt some life lessons early on that will instill the idea of knowing what is right and wrong. Don’t always listen to other people.”

Along similar lines, this mother wanted to guide her daughter in the right direction, “I

54 feel like she’s getting herself into something that she shouldn’t belong to, so I’m kind of on the outside trying to guide her. I want to choose what’s good for her.”

Another life skill the women view as essential for their daughters to learn is the capacity to gradually become independent and autonomous individuals. These mothers want to promote their daughters ability to be self-sufficient. They want them to be selfstarters who think independently and have the skills to gradually take care of themselves.

One mother explained, “I don’t want to be one of those parents that hovers over my daughter all the time and when I’m not there she can’t function.” Many of the mothers realize the importance of establishing firm boundaries and the challenges of having to step back and allowing their daughters to make mistakes. Another mother was aware of her tendency to get over-involved, which has the potential to stifle her daughter’s emerging autonomy. “The need to be perfect is in me. I realize I have to stop. I have to let her do it. It is hard for me to just sit and watch.” A few others were very clear about their role and how much or little they will do. One mother claimed, “We are very in tune, we don’t cave, we don’t try to make everything better for her. She has to try to learn and do it herself.” Another said, “I will be sad when she leaves the nest, but that is my job.”

Achieving independence, developing empathy, always being kind towards others and knowing the difference between right and wrong are all important skills the mothers discussed during the interview as being vital to their child’s success in life. Many of the skills identified come from the mother’s set of values that underlie her beliefs and principles and overall approach to life. The mothers feel it is their job and responsibility to instill these values within their daughters and teach them certain life skills that will help them live healthy, fulfilling and productive lives.

55 I Have Observed Others As the women discussed their values, a few of them elaborated on their observations of other mothers. Although the number of women who made these comments was small, their reactions were strong and they seemed to have a need to discuss their feelings. Their comments were often made as they contrasted their lives with the women around them and while making comparisons in parenting and lifestyles.

They tended to describe other mothers as hovering, enmeshed, exclusive and playing out their own lives through their daughters. The women also discussed the complicated social dynamics that not only play out within their daughters’ peer groups, but also within the adult arena.

We Are Live Goldfish in a Shark Pond A few of the women seemed to hold strong opinions and feelings about other mothers. Some of these comments were emphatically made and often had undertones of frustration and criticism. They tended to perceive other mothers as enmeshed and hovering. One mother complained, “I see these helicopter mothers all the time.” They describe mothers who become overly involved in their daughters’ lives and unable to set appropriate boundaries. One mother explained, “There are a lot of women at our school, a lot of mothers that don’t work and they have lots of expendable income and they have the time and they are involved, maybe because there is nothing better to do.” A mother of six children who has observed this behavior over the years, drew her own conclusions, “I think many of these women bring their own baggage to the situation. Or maybe they are trying to right what was wronged when they were that age.” She described several of

56 her daughter’s friends who have mothers that become embroiled in almost every issue.

She thought some mothers seemed to personalize their daughter’s struggles and oftentimes attempted to fight her battles. “They really get involved, not just as sort of a sounding board, but putting their own feelings into it. I see them become angry at the girl that their daughter is fighting with.”

These women also noticed how mothers attempt to advance their daughter’s social position at school. Friends are jockeyed for and play dates with certain children are competitively sought after. The women seemed to share stories about other mothers in their community who had an overly determined need to promote their daughter’s status at school. One woman said, “These mothers try to be a part of it, to move the pieces and move the players around.” Another woman shared, “This mom is really an orchestrator of who her daughter plays with. It was like the mother said, ‘I would like my daughter to start being friends with these girls because of their status.’” Another mother said, “There are these high-powered moms, they just steer their girls in certain directions to be with a certain child.”

A self-described seasoned and older mother witnesses the manipulation and behind the scenes maneuvering of other mothers. She related an incident where she extended herself to a neighborhood mother and asked if she would like to set up a carpool for their daughters’ weekly dance lesson. The other mother declined, stating they did not participate in carpools. Later in the month, the mother saw the other woman beginning to carpool every week with another family. She is upset but reflected, “I should have known why. I saw this mom working. She had an agenda. She wanted to be in a certain

57 group and have certain friends.” Another mother related a similar story and concluded with this comment, “I often feel like a live goldfish in a shark pond.”

The women also observed mothers not only vying for status and power for their daughters but also amongst themselves. One mother shared, “The same is with adults.

You can go to any party and you will always find certain people gravitating toward certain groups. Makes you realize this still goes on with adults.” They reported observations of women seeking prestige through association with certain individuals, groups, and activities. “There are women at school, they just seem to be a part of it all.

There’s definitely an adult in-crowd and an out-crowd.”

The women also discussed groups of mothers who were involved in constant fighting, gossip, and petty behavior. One mother commented, “There can be so much drama among some of the mothers, it is exhausting. Luckily, these women are not my core group.” Most of the women who made these comments described themselves as on the fringe or outside these groups. They had made conscious decisions to not participate or get involved in some of the group dynamics that they felt were alienating and excluding of others. Several of them commented on how this behavior feels reminiscent of high school and junior high. “It totally made me feel like 8th grade. That is when I was trying to get into a certain cheerleading group. It is sort of hard to break in around here.”

My Daughter Is not What You’d Call Popular Along with observing other mothers, a few women also shared their impressions of where their daughters fit in socially at school. These women were not only sensitive to

58 the group dynamics surrounding them, they were also very aware of their daughter’s status and where she fit within her peer group. Whether they were lunch monitors, chaperoning a field trip or supervising on the playground, several of the mothers had opportunities to observe their daughters in group situations. The feelings this evoked for the mothers have been noted in other sections of the paper but interestingly, several of the mothers felt compelled to report their daughter’s status at school. One mothers stated, “My daughter is not what you call popular, she won’t be in that group of girls.” Another mother shared, “She’s invited to most of the parties, but she’s probably not invited to individual play dates as often. Her sister is popular, but she is not.” Another mother who supervises the playground during recess one day a week has been fascinated with the group dynamics that play out amongst the children. She observed, It is interesting to watch. The girls are cliquey and they kind of move in packs.

There are groups that are considered more popular than others. But these groups are more exclusive and it is hard to move in and out of the group.

She categorized her daughter as part of a group of girls who are more accepting of others, “My daughter refers to her group as the interesting group. She says the hallmark of her group is that they never leave anyone out.”

While talking about peer groups, a few of the mothers referenced the mean girl syndrome and how prevalent it is among grade school girls. They shared stories of girls demonstrating behaviors that were exclusionary, competitive, petty and cruel. One mother observed, “All this stuff is happening. Girls make other girls cry. They tell some girls they can’t sit down at the table for lunch.” Another mother claimed, “I have seen more meanness in 3rd grade this year. I am hoping we can get past this stage without too much damage because I hear 4th grade gets a little tougher with the exclusion thing.”

59 Another mother reported, “From what I witnessed between my oldest and youngest, you just hear them talk about how wicked girls can be.” None of the mothers seemed surprised by the behaviors. They acknowledge how difficult girls can be and the complicated social dynamics that evolve during their school age years.

The competitive, exclusionary, and petty behavior was described by the mothers as existing not only within their daughter’s age group but also within the adult world as well. The women seemed to describe behaviors that were playing out in similar ways on two different levels. While none of the women seemed to be surprised by this, they certainly had a need to verbalize their opinions and talked at length about others behaving poorly. They also described mothers who were over involved in their daughters’ lives and speculated over the reasons why. They shared their observations of mothers promoting their child’s social status by attempting to position them with certain children.

Politics among the various women’s groups was described and all the women eschewed any association with groups that excluded or alienated others. An awareness of their daughter’s social status was noted and most described their daughters as not belonging to the popular group of girls. Feelings about this were not elaborated upon and the comments were made in a matter of fact kind of way.

How My Life Has Changed As the women discussed thoughts and feelings about their daughters, a few of them mentioned how much their lives have changed since becoming a mother. They described how their lives have been both enhanced and challenged by having children.

They also discussed feelings about their daughters beginning school and how this has

60 opened up new possibilities and opportunities for them to pursue and further develop friendships, careers and hobbies. Most of the women welcomed this change and felt it helped them become better mothers.

Stop and Smell the Daisies A small group of women noted how much they have changed since having their daughters. One of the areas where they felt a shift in their lives was in their capacity to appreciate the smaller things in life. One mother reflected, I don’t know if I have sped up or slowed down, it is just a very different awareness in life when you become a parent. My daughter has taught me to look at the small things in life and that it is important to stop and smell the daisies.

Another mother talked about the holidays as coming alive and the change in seasons as having added meaning and significance since having her daughter, “She brings a new joy to each season because as an adult you don’t mark each season as much as you do with children. The holidays are also recognized to a much greater degree because of her.” Not only holidays, but the day to day routines seem to be enhanced for this mother, “She certainly makes all the details much more meaningful. She makes the home more of a home. Teaching her to ride a bike, teaching her to swim, all these firsts that make the mundane much more special.”

Other mothers reflected on certain aspects of their personalities that have expanded because of having their daughters. One mother felt her capacity to share and give of herself had grown since becoming a mother, “I have learned so much from being a mom because she has taught me a lot about giving to other people and doing for her.”

Another mother who described herself as a perfectionist and somewhat demanding has

61 been able to become more forgiving and relaxed. “I am able to forgive myself a lot more.

I am more relaxed about my kid’s successes and failures and better able to take a step back and not push.” Another mother felt she was better able to relax and take things in stride, “I am much more calm about what I used to think was the end of the world. If something is broken or there is a stain, I am okay with it.”

Some of the mothers reported feeling empowered by motherhood and better able to stand up for what they believe and to trust their instincts. One mother shared a story of how she asserted herself by insisting the family doctor test her daughter for strep throat.

She surprised herself by how strongly she reacted but now looking back she was proud that she was able to stand up for what she felt was right, “I definitely learned to trust my instincts and judgment more over time as a parent and to have the confidence to push and say no.” Another mother claimed, “Before kids I was not as assertive or confident but I have learned over the years. I am now able to stick up for my daughters if I see something I don’t like. I also feel more confident to be able to say what I need.”

Becoming a mother seems to have empowered these women to find their voice and it has strengthened their ability to trust their intuition and pursue what is important on behalf of their children.

I Can Take a Breath While talking about the ways in which their lives have been altered, a few of the women also discussed the changes they have experienced since their daughter started a full day of school. Most of the women embraced the idea of their daughters attending school. They felt the girls were ready and welcomed the opportunity to renew interests

62 and activities they had put on hold during the busy preschool years. A mother explained, “I felt good about the time I had with her so I wasn’t the one crying when she went off to school. I felt she was ready to go and it was good for her and good for me.” Another mother shared, “It seems everything was on hold for awhile, like my personal friendships, my own interests and now I feel like I can have my own interests again, and I have more patience because of that.”

These women welcomed the break in their day and extra time to invest further into their careers, relationships and a variety of interests. One mother discussed her reaction to her daughter beginning her first year of full time school. “This year is the first time that I had this feeling, that my horizon was almost expanding, like I could take a breath. I just felt like the skies had opened.” This mother was an avid gardener who also had many interests that she was eager to pursue during the day. “When she is at school, I feel free. I am happier. I am a better mother when I have that down time, she needs her space and so do I.” Another mother looked forward to the extra time to further develop her business, “I love my children dearly. I enjoy them tremendously but I couldn’t wait till they started school because I really love my work time. I have a whole life that is completely separate from them.” A third mother reflected on the benefits of having more time to herself and how it is healthy to nourish one’s needs, “I am doing more things, more things for myself. It is okay, it is definitely good for them to see you taking care of yourself. It is healthy.”

Some of the other mothers had daughters in school but still had toddlers at home.

They looked forward to redirecting their energies to other interests and expressed their thoughts and ideas as to what they want to do in the future. They seemed to enjoy

63 thinking about the next step and considering their options. A few expressed a desire to return to work. One woman stated, “I keep telling my husband, I want to do something else in my life besides laundry and the dishes, something. Going back to work for me is kind of that, something for myself.” Changing careers and leaving behind a profession that was unfulfilling is something this mother contemplates, “When my youngest goes off to school I am going to refocus. I want to do something more meaningful, maybe helping people who cannot help themselves.” Another mother remained undecided about her next step but continues to process her feelings, “I figure at some point I will do something. I am not going to sit around and watch television. I am ready to get back into some work.”

Whether it is appreciating the smaller things in life, learning to relax or becoming more self-confident, these women feel motherhood has enabled them to grow in certain ways. They also were aware of the shift that took place when their daughters started school. Having the day to themselves seems to have opened up new horizons and presented them with opportunities to redirect energies onto other interests. Some of these women were contemplating a return to work, devoting more time to a career or pursuing hobbies put on hold. They related how having more of their needs met and being able to nourish different parts of themselves seemed to translate into a greater capacity to care for their children.

64

CHAPTER V

DISCUSSION OF THE FINDINGS

This study examines data gathered from 20 open-ended interviews with mothers of latency age daughters and analyzes the mother’s experience and the emotional impact of having a daughter who has reached school age.

Before discussing the theoretical implications of the data, it is interesting to note how the fathers and husbands of the women in the study were seldom mentioned during the interviews. Some of the women shared memories of their fathers while they were children but even fewer mentioned their husbands. Instead, the interviews were dominated by the mother’s experience and her personal narrative of mothering her daughter. The mother’s anxieties, memories, worries, and hopes filled the room and seemed to eclipse any in-depth discussion of husbands and fathers. As Chodorow (1978) suggests, women have the primary responsibility for mothering and consequently, “it stands out in its emotional intensity and meaning and in its centrality for women’s lives and social definition” (p. 6). The data of this study confirms Chodorow’s observations and highlights the significance and highly personal nature of mothering and its impact on development.

The mothers also did not talk at length about their daughter’s development or about the relationship between them. Beyond describing their daughter’s physical characteristics, likes and dislikes, the mothers tended to digress and tell their own story.

65 They were preoccupied with their own personal experience of raising a daughter. They did not inquire or pursue any issues regarding their daughter’s development or the relationship between them, instead, they shared their thoughts, memories, uncertainties and hopes for the future.

The data from the interviews provides insight into the mothers’ internal lives. A wide variety of feelings and thoughts were expressed and within this material several theoretical themes began to emerge strongly. The themes of the findings have four theoretical implications.

First, mothering a school age daughter reawakens specific memories for the mother related to her daughter’s age and level of development. The mothers unanimously described memories related to their experiences of being parented, in particular, their memories of being mothered. These memories also involved recollections from childhood that included experiences from their family of origin, friends and school.

Second, mothers experience anxiety and uncertainty about raising their daughters in an affluent and competitive environment. These mothers candidly expressed their worries and concerns about making the right choices for their daughters and how sometimes they do not always know the right or best way to handle certain parenting issues. The mothers are also attempting to raise a daughter in a fast paced, accelerated and highly competitive environment.

Third, the mothers rely on core values to guide and ground them as they face the challenges of parenting a school age daughter. Their values represent deeply held beliefs that they want to instill within their daughter and that they feel will best promote living a healthy and fulfilling life.

66 Fourth, social acceptance is important, but the mothers are ambivalent about its meaning and place in their lives. They expressed concerns about certain social dynamics that they observed playing out not only within their daughter’s peer group but also within the adult arena as well.

Awakening Specific Memories The first theory related finding is consistent with existing literature that speaks to the psychological impact of a child upon a parent’s development and how certain events in the child’s life may reawaken related issues for the parent. All of the mothers in the study shared memories from their past. Many of these memories were prompted by an event or experience in their daughter’s life that felt familiar to them. Whether their daughter was excluded from a birthday party or did not get the part in the school play, these women empathized with their daughters because they could remember similar experiences in their own childhood. Some of the women were surprised by the reemergence of long forgotten memories, while others were quick to remember the good and bad of years past. Raising a daughter for these women has proven to be a highly evocative experience that brings forth remembrances from their past.

The mother’s responses are in accord with what Benedek (1959) posited many years ago, “the child revives in the parent his related developmental conflicts” (p. 397).

She highlighted the psychological significance of becoming a parent and the role a child plays in adult development. Before Benedek, adult development, according to Colarusso & Nemiroff (1979) was formerly “characterized as a lengthy and stable phase of life in which developmental processes play a relatively minor role” (p. 1). It was thought that once adulthood was achieved, psychic structure was permanent and unalterable (Parens

67 1975). Contributions from Erickson (1950), Benedek (1959), and Bibring (1959, 1961) expanded the view of development by taking into consideration the psychological impact of certain life events. They viewed the adult experiences of marriage, pregnancy, parenthood and old age as catalysts for growth. They believed these life events challenge the individual, precipitate crises and ultimately have the potential to contribute positively or negatively to one’s development.

It is beyond the scope of this study to claim the mother’s unresolved, unconscious conflicts from childhood have surfaced or that her development has been altered as the result of having a school age daughter. However, one could surmise from the data, that the mother has been psychologically impacted as evidenced by the emergence of certain memories along with related feelings from her past. Many of the mothers have discussed their reactions to these experiences and how they have used them to inform the present.

When asked about their experience of parenting their school age daughter, the most highly verbalized comments were related to the women’s experience of being mothered. Every woman in the study referenced her mother at various times throughout the interview. Some warmly reflected on the positive memories and recalled instances of caretaking that felt loving, affirming and highly attuned to their individual needs. Their needs for mirroring and idealizing were adequately met and not acutely or chronically frustrated. According to Kohut & Wolf (1975), “The essence of the healthy matrix for the growing self of the child is a mature, cohesive parental self that is in tune with the changing needs of the child” (p. 417). Several of the women described mothers who fulfilled this requirement. They looked back and attributed a sense of well being and confidence to mothers who were perceived as strong, reliable, and responsive.

68 Other women were critical while remembering the mothering they didn’t receive and reflected upon the lack of emotional availability, inability to communicate and the repeated misattunements throughout their growing years. These women described mothers who were distant and unable to be a source of calm and support and who lacked the ability to provide validation or affirmation in an ongoing or consistent manner. A few of these mothers suffered from mental illnesses and others were compromised by stressful circumstances within the home. These women looked back on their childhoods with sadness and a sense of loss. Some have been able to forgive their mothers and others continue to maintain a cordial but distant relationship. Regardless of the experience, the women were determined to not repeat the same mistakes and were committed to providing a healthier and more secure mothering experience for their daughters.

Reflecting upon one’s experience of being mothered is well documented in the literature and is thought to be activated and intensified by the life events of pregnancy and motherhood. Beginning with pregnancy, a reorganization of the mother’s internal world is set in motion. Bibring (1959) considered pregnancy a crisis that initiated a period of internal disequilibrium that reawakened unresolved conflicts from prior periods of development. Resolving and reintegrating old conflicts was an important step toward reestablishing psychic health. Included in this period of disequilibrium is a revival and intensification of feelings and attitudes towards one’s mother. Prior attitudes, according to Bibring (1961), are replaced by “various new forms of identification with their mother” (p. 18). Consequently, an expecting mother is likely to revisit old dialogues with the internalized mother from her childhood.

69 Winnicott (1959) also put forth the notion that motherhood initiates a unique period of development. He viewed pregnancy and the early stages of motherhood as a period of internal reorganization where the mother develops a psychological condition that he identifies as Primary Maternal Preoccupation (p. 302). This special condition is temporary and is best described as a period of intense sensitivity that allows the mother to adapt and attune to the specific needs of her infant.

Stern (1995) views Winnicott’s work as contributing to the idea that mothers have a rich internal life comprised of representations and internalizations that include the woman’s experience of being mothered. Stern has further elaborated upon Winnicott’s work and several others who have focused upon the psychological shift that takes place once a woman becomes a mother (Benedek 1959; Bibring 1959 & 1961 and Chodorow 1978). Stern believes once the baby is born, the mother enters into “a new and unique psychic organization that is called the motherhood constellation” (p. 171). Stern feels the constellation organizes the mother’s internal life. It is temporary but exerts significant influence on the mother and impacts her feelings, fantasies and fears. The constellation consists of three internal and external dialogues the mother has that involves, “the mother’s discourse with her own mother, especially with her own mother-as-mother-toher-as-a-child; her discourse with herself, especially with herself-as-mother; and her discourse with her baby” (p. 172). These three discourses are referred to as the motherhood trilogy.

Along with the motherhood trilogy, Stern identifies four themes and tasks that emerge for the new mother. The first, the life growth theme, discusses the issues involved in caring for and maintaining the survival of the infant. The second, the primary

70 relatedness theme, involves the ability of the mother to attach and respond appropriately to the needs of her baby. The third theme relates to the ability of the mother to develop and maintain a network of people who will assist and support her as she carries out her responsibilities as a new mother. This is called the supporting matrix theme. The fourth theme, identity reorganization, recognizes the need for the mother to realign her internal life to meet the demands of motherhood. A shift in her emotional investments needs to take place in order to reorganize her identity now that she has become a mother (p. 176180).

Of particular importance and related to the first finding of the study, is Stern’s recognition of the reorganization of the new mother’s relationship with her own mother.

He makes specific reference to this in his discussion of the motherhood trilogy when he describes the mother’s discourse with her own “mother-as-mother-to-her-as-a-child” (p. 172). This reconnection takes place both internally and externally. A new mother will look to her own mother or other mothering figures for guidance and support and connect with her around the care of the baby. The mother will also find certain memories being called up that were previously outside her awareness. They can be positive or negative and serve as a template for parenting. Stern feels, “the need for models is evident, and she (the new mother) will revive the long history of identifications with her own mother and other parental/maternal figures”(p. 180).

Similar to Stern, Blos (2003) also illuminates the mother’s experience and explores the internal dynamics that intensify and begin to surface during pregnancy and motherhood. Blos looks at development as it is impacted by the experience of becoming a mother. He believes the inner life of the mother is comprised of a complex

71 psychological matrix that includes residue from the woman’s experience of being mothered. This residue is understood from a three tiered intergenerational approach that takes into consideration “the actuality and psychic relationship of three generations: the mother, the mother’s mother and the new child” (p. 15). Under normal circumstances, this matrix lies dormant, but with pregnancy and the birth of a child, “some mothers find themselves newly conscious of the importance of their mothers and the remembered experience of being mothered” (p. 15). When dealing with the residue and other issues that surface, Blos describes women as developing a plasticity during pregnancy that lasts until the baby is 18 months old. This allows the mother the flexibility and capacity to deal with the demands of the baby and to manage the internal conflicts that surface during this transition in her life. Overall, Blos views motherhood as marking a period of growth for a woman where intrapsychic issues are stirred and reawakened, in particular, those that are related to her own mothering experience (Parens, 2003, p. 48).

Balsam also writes about the subjective experience of women and the internal transformations that take place once they become mothers. Balsam posits, “It is only when a woman becomes a mother herself that she experiences the full impact of her internalized mother” (p. 1). Balsam discusses the psychological process of internalization and uses case material to demonstrate how a woman reencounters the maternal object throughout her life and in particular, when she becomes a mother in her own right. She states, “In such major events as pregnancy, childbirth, and certain aspects of child care – each of which a woman’s mother once did to and for her – these lifeidentical passages most heavily bear the imprint of the mother” (p. 9). Balsam, in accordance with previously cited authors, feels there is an intensification of the

72 internalized mother that begins to manifest in a women’s life when she becomes pregnant and has a child.

Taken all together, the work of Benedek, Bibring, Winnicott, Stern, Blos and Balsam support the notion that pregnancy and motherhood usher in a new and unique period of development where complex internal and external forces impact the mother.

This is a period of emotional intensity for the woman where internalizations and identifications with the maternal object are reanimated and revived. It is in this heightened state that memories of one’s mother are more likely to emerge. This study would assert that the intensity of the memories and feelings extend far beyond the early years of parenting.

For the mothers in this study, it is in the day-to-day act of mothering that seems to bring them in closer contact with their own experiences of being cared for. This was demonstrated over and again in the interviews when the mothers often digressed and told stories about themselves as children. Their narratives were filled with memories of their mothers and attached to a variety of feelings. One woman shared her delight in her daughter’s good grades while remembering her own mother as uninterested and uninvolved in her academic success. Another woman described her daughter’s struggle with a learning disability and then recalled how caring and sensitive her own mother was to her difficulties in school while growing up. Yet another mother shuddered as she remembered her mother awkwardly explaining the facts of life. Many examples abound in the data and validate how caring for a daughter reawakens a rich tapestry of memories for the mother, including her own experience of being mothered.

73 The mothers’ remembrances not only included thoughts of their own mothering but also a variety of memories from childhood that were prompted by an event or situation in their daughter’s life. One story followed another as the women talked about their daughters and then about themselves. The vast majority of the women in the study shared memories and thoughts that had emerged in conjunction with an event or situation in their daughter’s life that felt familiar to them. Some of these moments caught them by surprise as they reconnected with memories and feelings from their past. Others never forgot and used the memories in an ongoing way to inform their parenting and better understand their daughter. One mother described her daughter’s upset over not being invited to a birthday party and how this brought back to mind her own experience of being excluded in the cafeteria when some of the girls would not move over and make room for her to sit down. Another mother cautions her daughter as she develops friendships with other girls. This mother remembers the devastation she felt when a best friend from childhood severed their relationship for no apparent reason. Fortunately, for a number of these women, many of the memories continue to be attached to feelings that have stayed with them through the years and that allow them to connect more deeply and empathically with their daughters.

While the notion of the past repeating itself in the present is not new to psychoanalysis (Slade & Cohen, p. 210, 1996), Benedek (1959) was one of the first to address this psychological phenomenon in the context of the parent child relationship.

She put forth a theory of adult development that took into consideration the role of the child. “In each critical period the child revives in the parent his related developmental conflicts” (p. 397). Fraiberg’s groundbreaking work with infants and mothers also

74 recognizes how a mother’s past can be reawakened in the present. She stated, “Even among families where the love bonds are stable and strong, the intruders from the parental past may break through the magic circle in an unguarded moment and a parent and his child find themselves reenacting a moment in a scene from another time with another set of characters” (p. 387). Fraiberg, in her work with mother/infant dyads, discusses how mothers are most vulnerable to repeating unhealthy aspects of their past when they repress painful memories and affects from their childhood.

Kestenberg (1971) is another who privileges the role of the child in a parent’s life and states, “Parents respond with more or less anxiety to their own emotional problems stirred up by their attempts to grow up with their children . . . problems specific to the particular developmental level of the child” ( p. ?). Elson (1984) also acknowledges, “Parents may indeed experience with each child a reactivation of deficits or distortion in any phase of their development” (p. 298). She describes how both parent and child mutually influence and transform each other’s narcissism. Galatzer-Levy & Cohler (1993) are also in accord and state, “Throughout parenthood, involvement with the developing child evokes the parent’s past and fantasies about herself in the same situation. Taking care of a child has many meanings” (p. 280).

All of the above-mentioned authors speak to the significance of a child upon a parent’s development, but do not specifically address the impact of a school age child between the ages of 6 and 10. A number of other articles discuss the child’s effect upon the parents during the course of the child’s development, beginning with infancy, adolescence and young adulthood. However, there appears to be a gap in the literature

Joan DiLeonardi! 9/16/08 11:22 AM Comment: Get this citation.

75 that looks at school age children and how parenting them evokes memories of one’s own childhood.

This study demonstrates how memories continue to emerge for the mother as her daughter progresses through the grammar school years. The data reflect mothers who found themselves remembering certain aspects of their childhood when their grade school daughter encountered a situation or event that felt reminiscent of something familiar to them. They remember the groups of friends they had in grade school and the angst over trying to figure out where they fit in. They recall the fights with friends, some of which they can look back and laugh about and others that continue to be a source of sadness and regret. Family of origin remembrances were fresh in the minds of many and seemed to crop up as the mothers observed their daughters interacting with other siblings.

All in all, the mothers found themselves remembering and reengaging with thoughts and feelings from long ago. Several acknowledged feeling flooded at times and having to put boundaries around certain emotions so that they would not overreact or become too intrusive. One mother described her struggle, “I try to take a step back, I am so conscious of what 4th grade was like.” Another mother had to repeat to herself, “Hey, chill out, you’re remembering your own stuff!” These mothers and others in the study seemed to be aware of feelings surfacing as they observed their daughters in situations that were evocative of memorable experiences in their own childhood. Fortunately, for many of the women, the affect attached to these memories was still accessible and able to be used as a way to better understand or empathically relate to their daughter. This is not to say that unconscious residue does not exist for these women, but as a whole, these mothers seemed to demonstrate a high degree of awareness.

76 These women seem to accomplish what Fraiberg (1975) considers as a significant deterrent to repeating unhealthy and destructive patterns from the past in the present, “access to childhood pain becomes a powerful deterrent against repetition in parenting� (p. 420). These mothers were able to keep the memories and affects alive and were determined to not repeat what felt so painful from their childhoods.

Mothers Experience Anxiety and Uncertainty Along with encountering memories from their past, another significant finding in the study reflects the worries and anxieties that challenge the mothers on a daily basis and that are complicated by living in an affluent and competitive environment. Not always knowing the right answer or best approach to a number of parenting issues, these women struggle over deciding if music lessons should prevail over dance instruction, whether their daughter is signed up for too many or too few activities and whether they are too lax or to the contrary, too rigid. These are just a few of the worries among many where the mothers often found themselves feeling confused and uncertain. Compounding this situation are the challenges of living in competitive and affluent communities. The mothers described the hyperactive lifestyle of shuttling kids between school and activities, the excessive amounts of homework and the relentless demands that infringe upon family time. They were also concerned about the accelerated pace of their daughter’s life and how she is facing issues at a much younger age than previous generations.

As the women discussed their worries and concerns, one could sense that underlying these feelings was the fear of making a mistake, that somehow their decision

77 had the potential to permanently alter their daughter’s existence. Although these women were highly articulate, thoughtful and accomplished individuals, they often found themselves confused and derailed by certain dilemmas. Faced with having to decide whether their daughter should play on a traveling soccer team at the age of 6 in order to position her for making the school team by the age of 10 or whether to enroll her in enrichment classes along with her mainstream curriculum, created an ongoing and endless dilemma for many of the mothers. Some decisions were made with relative ease while others felt monumental. These mothers did not want to deny their daughters an opportunity that would potentially advance their growth and development. They wanted to ensure that every advantage was made available and their daughter had full access to the necessary resources.

While every parent wants the best for their child, somehow a few of these women found themselves caught in a vortex, feeling pressure from within and around themselves.

They seemed to feel challenged not only by internal conflict over what felt right or wrong but also from an environment they experienced at times to be highly competitive and unforgiving. One mother explained during the interview, “You look around at what other people are doing and you think, ‘Is it okay?’ I just don’t know.” Another mother often found herself caught between what everyone else was doing and her own feelings about what was right for her daughter, “It’s a dilemma because you see everybody else do it and you tend to think, ‘Well, maybe I should be doing what everybody is doing.” The dynamics that create the anxiety in these women are complex, multi-determined and are rooted in the mother’s internal life and cultural norms that are not always kind to women.

78 A review of the literature helps illuminate the plight of these women and how they find themselves confused and uncertain.

According to the literature, underneath the angst for many of these women lies a vulnerability that is rooted in a fear of failure or loss of self esteem (Levine, 2006, p.

180). Women are under tremendous pressure to be perfect mothers who are self sacrificing, unconditionally loving and able to minister to their child’s every need.

Douglas & Michaels (2004) discuss this phenomenon and describe its ascendancy in the media during the 1980s and 1990s. They describe it as the cult of the new momism, which is “a set of ideals, norms and practices, most frequently and powerfully represented in the media, that seem on the surface to celebrate motherhood, but which in reality promulgate standards of perfection that are beyond your reach� (p. 4). They suggest this approach to mothering is fostered by a 20th century ideal labeled intensive mothering by sociologist Sharon Hayes, where the standards and expectations for mothers are out of date and unrealistic (p. 5). Intensive mothering asks women to be Herculean in their attempts to care for their children while exhausting all personal and financial resources on their behalf. The authors feel this ideology threatens key feminists advances of the past 30 years by attacking women where they are most vulnerable, in their love for their children (p. 23).

Implicit in the cult of momism or the pressure on mothers to be perfect is a romanticized view of motherhood that does not openly or freely allow a woman to share or acknowledge their conflicted or ambivalent feelings about the challenges of mothering.

Several authors argue (Parker, 1995; Thurer, 1994; Hoffman, 2003) that a morality has been placed upon mothering and an intolerance exists for women who have conflicting

79 feelings towards their children. Consequently, according to DeMarniffe (2004), women are pressured to “dampen down their ambivalence and insist on an overly sunny, even sentimental view of motherhood” (p. 141).

Parker (1995) defines maternal ambivalence as “the experience shared variously by all mothers in which loving and hating feelings for their children exist side by side” (p. 1). She views ambivalence across a spectrum from tolerable and constructive on the one end to destructive and maladaptive on the other end. Pressure on women to be perfect mothers does not always allow them to have conflicting feelings towards their children. Unfortunately, according to Parker, “Society’s wariness of maternal ambivalence, fueled perhaps by infantile fears of loss, defended against by the idealization or denigration of mothers, provides a context which inflates maternal guilt, rendering ambivalence at times unmanageable” (p. 21). It is in a woman’s inability or struggle to manage conflicting feelings towards her child that creates one of the deepest roots of maternal guilt and leaves women pained, depressed and filled with shame (p. 4).

Parker feels mothers have been subject to late twentieth century ideals that exacerbate the intolerance of ambivalence. She also explores the role of psychoanalytic theory and practice to perpetuating the pathogenic aspects of ambivalence. She discusses the overwhelming tendency in psychoanalytic literature to discuss issues from the viewpoint of the child while overlooking the subjective experience of the mother.

Consequently, this context amplifies mother blaming since it looks at issues as they impinge on the child, not the mother. It is her feeling that psychoanalysis often operates from a perspective of mother blaming. Thurer (1994) is in agreement and states, “between 1940 and 1980 the locus for blame for psychopathology was much the same in

80 the psychoanalytic institutes as it was in developmental psychology and in popular psychology – mom” (p. 280). She feels the “pervasiveness of mother blaming in psychoanalytic theory after Freud is too extensive to be overlooked” (p. 280).

Thurer examines psychoanalytic theory beginning with Freud and ego psychology and finds themes of mother blaming incorporated into interpersonal theory and taken to new heights in object relations and self psychology. The interpersonalists introduced the significance of the environment’s role upon the individual’s development. They broke away from the Freudian tradition where drives had supremacy in the child’s development and instead emphasized the social context in which one develops. Consequently, the role of mother became prominent. Following the interpersonalists was the object relations movement that incorporated influences from the environment as they were mediated through the child’s unconscious. In the opinion of Thurer, object relations minimizes the impact of the child’s unconscious and overemphasizes the role of the object and “therefore ends up blaming mothers” (p. 283).

Self psychology, according to Thurer, is known for being the hardest and most unforgiving towards mothers. Kohut’s theory is based on the premise that the self, from birth onward, needs objects that provide certain kinds of experiences that will facilitate its emergence and maintenance (Wolf, 1988). These selfobjects are usually people who fulfill the tasks of providing empathic attunement and opportunities to be experienced as stable, strong and calm. Selfobject experiences are internalized and become part of the self’s structure. Proper selfobject experiences result in a strong and vigorous self, while faulty experiences lead to fragmentation and emptiness. Thurer feels Kohut’s theory

81 inadvertently places enormous pressure upon mothers and views the child’s problems as caused by deficits within the mother (p. 285).

Chodorow (2002) also views post-Freudian theory as complicit in blaming mothers. She explains how psychoanalytic theory has produced the notion that the infant-mother relationship is central to the psychological health of the child. This assumption reinforces the significance of the mother-child relationship and leads to “psychological determinism and reductionism that argues that what happens in the earliest mother-infant relationship determines the whole of history, society, and culture” (p. 64). She feels a major outcome of these theories in combination with cultural norms results in blaming mothers for anything that goes wrong with their children and contributes to unrealistic expectations for maternal omnipotence and perfection.

Along with cultural norms, Chodorow cites feminist writings as contributing to both blaming and idealizing mothers. She is highly critical of feminist writing since it “assumes an all-powerful mother who, because she is totally responsible for how her children turn out, is blamed for everything from her daughter’s limitations to the crisis of human existence” (p. 55). She identifies several writers who put forth the notion of perfect mothers and the legitimacy of meeting their child’s every need. Even though feminists are aware of societal conditions that prevent women from mothering to the best of their abilities, implicit in this notion is the belief that mothers could be perfect if only certain limitations were removed.

“This creates the quality of rage we find in ‘blame-the-mother’ literature and the unrealistic expectation that perfection would result if only a mother would devote her life completely to her child and all impediments to doing so were removed” (p. 65).

82 Chodorow believes expectations for perfect mothering are fueled, in part, by infantile fantasies. The fantasies she is referring too are further elaborated upon by Turrini & Mendell (1995) as derivatives of the preoedipal maternal ego ideal. They explain how cultural norms, “against which woman measure themselves are influenced by the early wishes of infants and toddlers, which, in part form the internal standards of the preoedipal maternal ego ideal” (p. 5). A woman’s ego ideal, according to Turrini & Mendell, has its own line of development. They define the maternal ego ideal as a “set of standards, exemplars, and functions located in the female ego ideal, a part of the ego ideal within the superego” (p. 1). They suggest significant aspects of the maternal ideal are formed before the age of 3 and are comprised of symbiotic longings for merger (with the mother) and omnipotent perfective fantasies that reflect an all-good image of mother.

The ability to “eject bad experiences . . . keeping all the good within the mother-child unit, reinforces the concept of omnipotence and the good mother” (p. 2). It is the child’s ability to separate good from bad images that secures within the maternal ego fantasies of the omnipotent perfect mother and longings for merger. Consequently, these are the early wishes that are revived in the mother once she has a child. These preoedipal wishes can become a source of tension and conflict as the mother measures herself against the unrealistic and unattainable standards of perfection. When not able to live up to internal standards or ideals, the mother is prone to depression, loss of self esteem and feelings of failure.

While Turrini & Mendell discuss the development of ego ideals and the process by which they become a part of the individual’s psyche, self psychology also provides a framework in which to understand how ideals are formed and internalized within the

83 individual. Kohut, according to Summers (1994) believed “psychological life begins with emergence from primary narcissism and is stimulated by the inevitable failure of the parent to satisfy perfectly the child’s needs” (p. 250). Children are aware of their vulnerabilities and attempt to secure the lost narcissism in two ways. First, they look to the parent for acceptance and confirmation of their grandiose and exhibitionistic needs.

The parent who is able to mirror and validate these needs provides a necessary function that will enhance and strengthen their child’s sense of self. Second, the child needs to idealize the parent and experience their strength, calm and stability. This provides the child with an opportunity to merge with an idealized parent imago during periods of disequilibrium. The availability of the parent and being able to allow the child to attach to their power provides an additional source of well being (p. 250). The functions the parents provide are called self object functions and “evoke the emergence and maintenance of the self” (Wolf, 1988, p. 11).

Over time, phase appropriate disappointments and optimal frustration bring about the gradual internalization of the parental image. These failures “lead to the gradual replacement of the self objects and their functions by a self and its functions” (Kohut & Wolf, 1978, p. 416). This process is called transmuting internalization. Thus, the parental imago is gradually transformed into the ego ideal comprised of internal ideals and idealized goals. The grandiose exhibitionistic needs are also transformed into psychic structure and make up the individual’s ambitions and goals. When all goes well, “the infantile grandiose self and idealized parental imago are transformed into realistic ambitions and loved ideals so that a cohesive, vital, harmonious self is capable of

84 achieving a fulfilling life by realizing its ideals and ambitions with its available talents” (Summers, 1984, p. 252).

Faulty selfobject experiences lead to a weak and vulnerable self that is prone to pathology. Disturbances in the ability to experience oneself as a part of an admired and esteemed selfobject result in “the child’s failure to form reliable ideals which would have regulated self esteem” (Kohut, 1977, p. 57) and fixations on the idealized parental imago.

This leads to an ideal hungry personality where one can only feel worthwhile “by finding selfobjects to whom they can look up to and whom they can feel accepted” (Wolf, 1988).

Inadequate selfobject responses to the child’s need for mirroring, also leads to archaic fixations and a mirror hungry personality that needs to bolster a fragile and weak self by evoking the attention of others as a way of offsetting feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.

While not much is written in the self psychological literature about the maternal ideal, one could safely assume that a mother who has not grown up in a supportive, empathic selfobject milieu, may find parenthood a challenge to a fragile sense of self. A child’s development brings with it inherent, normative struggles. Depending on the mother’s internal resources, her sense of self may be further strengthened or burdened if she was not adequately mirrored or able to rely on an idealized, respected other in her early years of development.

Kohut felt the need for age appropriate selfobjects continued throughout the life course (Bacal & Newman, 1990; Wolf, 1988; Galatzer-Levy & Cohler 1993). Children, according to Galatzer-Levy & Cohler (1993) fulfill this role for adults and serve as essential others in adult development, “the child’s successes (and failures) serve as a

85 measure of the parent’s adequacy in fulfilling the central adult role of parenthood” (p.

281). Turrini & Mendell (1995) also posit, “children become adult selfobjects, selfcompleters, and narcissistic enhancers” (p. 7). When all goes well, Elson (1984) discusses how parenting a child can mutually enhance the self-esteem of both parent and child. However, when a parent’s sense of self is not secure or stable, there is a greater tendency to use one’s child to regulate self-esteem. The child then becomes responsible to shore up the parent’s weak and fragile self.

In a society where women almost exclusively provide the mothering (Chodorow, 1978, p. 78), women are evaluated based on their success in this role (Stern, 1996, p.

174). Similar to Chodorow (1992), Thurer (1994), and Douglas & Michaels (2004); Turkels (1996) believes cultural norms that promote perfect mothering place enormous strain upon women to produce perfect children, since the child reflects the adequacies of the mother (p. 3). If a child struggles or stumbles, or is a late bloomer, the mother usually has to contend with her own worries and doubts about her competency as a mother.

Children’s development does not follow an exact timetable and when it appears to deviate from the norm, this can be a source of great concern, even for a reasonably self assured and confident mother. But for a woman who struggles with self esteem, cultural norms that promote flawless mothering leaves women questioning their abilities and reinforcing distorted beliefs of worthlessness and failure.

For the mothers in this study, it is difficult to assess whether they struggle with internalized fantasies of perfection, overly harsh and demanding superegos, fears of failure or issues in self-esteem. The data suggests that these women struggle and find themselves anxious and worried. Most of these women appeared, for the most part, as

86 thoughtful, self assured and confident as they spoke throughout the interview. But when discussing certain issues regarding their daughters, they acknowledged feeling confused and uncertain. While it is to be expected and normal to not always know the answers, these woman seemed to be unsettled by some of the decision making and discussed feeling pulled in different directions and unable, at times, to find their bearings. What seems to complicate and confound this process, according to some of the women, are the influences of affluence, intense competition and a sense that their daughters are having to grow up too quickly and face issues at a much younger age than previous generations.

Current research validates the mothers’ concerns over the negative influences of affluence. Madeline Levine (2004), a psychologist whose clients are from an uppermiddle class suburb of San Francisco, began to notice a trend in her clinical practice.

After examining her current caseload and reflecting upon her clientele over the past few years, she discovered she was seeing a higher than usual number of adolescents from affluent families. This shift in her work prompted her to check with other colleagues from across the country to see if they also were noticing a similar trend in their respective practices. Conversations with colleagues validated her observations and inspired her to write a book on what she considered a growing epidemic among adolescents who seemed to have concerned parents and every economic advantage available to them but who were showing up in her office emotionally empty and suffering from a high incidence of eating disorders, drug use, anxiety, depression and self destructive behaviors. It is her belief that certain aspects of an affluent culture: “materialism, individualism, perfectionism, and competition may actually contribute to these psychological problems� (p. 18).

87 Levine draws many of her conclusions based upon the findings of researcher Suniya Luthar, who has studied affluent youth. Luthar & Latendrese (2005) accumulated data over a several year period from affluent students from middle school through high school and then compared the results to a sample of students from the inner city. They discovered the two groups of students from disparate socioeconomic backgrounds actually shared the same high degree of risk and “had more similarities than differences in the adjustment patterns and socialization processes” (p. 49). The authors further highlighted the high incidence of substance abuse, anxiety and depression among children of privilege and how these disturbances are manifestations of excessive achievement pressure and isolation from parents (p. 49).

Excessive pressures to succeed are usually associated with upper class suburban communities (Luthar & Becker 2002) where the parents’ anxiety about their child’s academic performance puts enormous pressure upon children to excel. While there are many internal and external reasons that underlie a parent’s need to have their child succeed, it can have a negative effect upon the child and contribute to the development of maladaptive perfectionism where academic failure is perceived as reflecting personal failure. The researchers state, “results of this study do suggest that suburban youngsters who set excessively high standards for themselves in relation to personal accomplishments are likely to experience high disturbance across both internalizing and externalizing domains” (p. 1605). The disturbances referred to are higher rates of suicide, drug abuse, depression and anxiety.

Another factor that contributes to the intensification of problems for children of affluence, are feelings of isolation from parents. Studies reveal (Levine 2004; Luthar &

88 Latendrese, 2005; Luthar & Becker, 2002; Luthar, 2003) that upper-middle class families “are less likely to feel close to their parents than children in poverty – less likely than any other group of teens” (Levine, 2004, p. 30). Feelings of isolation result from experiencing one’s parents as emotionally and physically unavailable. The researchers found that many children were left alone for several hours a week by parents who believed that this promoted independence and self-sufficiency. Other parents may have been more physically present but were described as emotionally absent because they were not able to attune to the deeper emotional needs of their child.

All of Luthar’s studies referenced the risks associated with the over scheduled, competitive lifestyles of the upper-middle class. Children are shuttled back and forth to activities and have little if any free time of their own. This creates stress and anxiety not only for the children but also for their parents. Feeling overwhelmed and distracted prevents a parent from being connected and available to their child. Elkind (2001) was one of the first to document, over 20 years ago, the negative consequences of hurrying one’s child to grow up too fast, too soon. He discusses the impact of achievement pressure, pushing children into organized sports prematurely, parental peer pressure that makes it hard to make choices that are outside of the norm and the overall trend toward denying children the right to be children during their childhood (p. 221).

Rosenfeld & Wise (2001) feel the overscheduled child is the result of hyperparenting, “a childbearing style now prevalent in middle-and upper-middle class homes.

In these families, parents become over-involved in every detail of their child’s academic, athletic, and social lives. They over enrich their children’s environment and overschedule them” (p. 1). They cite parental anxiety and the need to produce perfect

89 children plus added pressures from schools that have to answer to demanding taxpayers, as contributing to the hyper-parenting syndrome. They also demonstrate how overscheduling children with enrichment classes, tutors and activities sends the unconscious message that they are not good enough in and of themselves. Similar to Elkind, they recommend slowing down and spending time focusing on the fundamentals of character development and the ability of maintaining close, interpersonal relationships.

Another concern expressed by some of the mothers in this study relates to their daughters having to deal with issues at an earlier age than previous generations. A few of the mothers remarked how their daughters were having to contend with “stuff” that they did not have to deal with until junior high or high school. The mothers did not fully articulate or describe in detail the exact issues, but made references to the academic and social pressure their daughters were facing at seemingly younger ages than years past.

The pressure may be due to a multitude of reasons, some of which have already been explored; parents push for perfection in themselves and their children, schools attempting to boost test scores and appease tax payer demands and living in an intensely competitive and affluent environment.

One other factor that may have some bearing is that girls today are physically maturing at earlier ages. After noticing significant numbers of girls coming to her clinic and showing signs of precocious maturity, Marcia Herman-Giddens (1997) conducted a comprehensive study to better understand this growing phenomenon. Her study “found that girls in pediatric office practices are developing pubertal characteristics at younger ages . . . average African-American girls begin puberty between 8 and 9 years of age and white girls by 10 years of age” (p. 509). According to her study, white girls seem to be

90 developing 6 months to 1 year earlier than girls in earlier studies. Attempts to understand the cause of this phenomenon have not yielded any definitive explanations. Scientists believe obesity is a contributing factor but other explanations that have been suggested refer to growth hormones given to cows that may linger in milk and meat plus the presence of pesticides in the environment. One other theory, although not widely accepted, suggests the media with its highly sexualized messages, stimulates the brain to speed up development (Time Magazine, October 30, 2000; Dallas Morning Star News, 2001).

Regardless of the cause, the phenomenon is occurring and creating a generation of “tweens” where “physical and behavioral changes that would have been typical of teenagers decades ago are common among “tweens” – children age 8 to 12” (Chicago Tribune, November 26, 2006). The physiological changes along with the influences of technology and consumerism are promoting and accelerating certain behavioral changes.

“Tweens” are now confronting peer pressure and other social issues that previously were dealt with in the high school years.

The acceleration of growing up, according to Pipher (Time Magazine, October 30, 2000) interrupts the crucial developmental period of latency where girls are “really gathering a lot of strength – they’re doing well in sports, they’re investigating the world, they’re confident learners, and they’re confident socially. They are marshaling their forces to be able to go into puberty” (p. 73). Pipher feels cultural pressure in addition to the early physiological changes, abbreviate this period of development and places considerable pressure on young girls to face situations and events before they are emotionally ready (Pipher, 1994, pp. 52-53).

91 Although not stated in the literature, the growing trend of early development among school age girls may shed some light on why so many of the mothers in this study had such strong reactions and found themselves confronting memories from their past.

Notions about latency being a quieter period for the girls seems to be sidelined by more contemporary observations of young girls who are developing physically and socially at much earlier ages. This acceleration in development tends to bring forth more adolescent type behaviors and therefore may prompt the surfacing of psychological issues regarding separation and individuation that are more highly charged and therefore have the potential to evoke stronger reactions in the mothers.

Taken all together, the mothers who express anxiety and uncertainty about raising their daughters in an affluent and competitive environment have concerns that are well founded. The research documents the psychological risks involved in raising a child in a culture that places a disproportionate amount of value upon achievement and where children feel emotionally disconnected from their parents. While several of the mothers in the study echoed the concerns documented by the researchers, they also acknowledge struggling to extricate themselves from a way of life that is so prevalent all around them.

They are aware of the stress and strain that is created by hectic and overburdened schedules and long for the quieter times with their children. Some have been successful in setting limits on the number of activities their children are involved with while others are still trying to find their way through a myriad of choices.

The literature further explores and explains how a woman’s ability to do what may feel intuitively right for her daughter is complicated by internal dynamics and cultural norms that place tremendous pressure upon mothers to be perfect. Infantile

92 fantasies and internalized ideals fuel expectations for perfect mothering along with cultural norms that augment these distorted beliefs. These unrealistic expectations render mothers vulnerable and prone to never feeling they can quite measure up. As a way of shoring up feelings, mothers may look to their children to compensate for feelings of failure and inadequacy. Consequently, these dynamics may lead them to making decisions that may or may not have their child’s best interests in mind.

Mothers Rely on Core Values While dealing with the endless demands and challenges of parenting their daughters, several of the women discussed how they rely on core values to anchor them as they attempt to make decisions and choices that are consistent with their personal belief systems. The third theoretical implication that emerged from the findings speaks to the mothers’ values that help inform and guide them as they face issues in parenting that conflict with internal standards and ideals. Several of the mothers described the dilemmas and challenges they encounter when attempting to set limits, discipline and guide their daughter while surrounded by others who do not follow the same set of rules or values.

This is demonstrated by several mothers in the study. One mother related her ongoing frustration with her daughter who complained of not having enough pairs of jeans. This mother felt her daughter has plenty of clothes and did not want her daughter’s life be defined by shopping and materialism. The mother explained, “There are three kids in my daughter’s class that have their own private jet and so when she says everybody else has 12 pairs of jeans, she is right. It is hard to stick up for what you

93 believe in, but I couldn’t live any other way.” This mother, along with several others in the study, wants to teach her daughter certain values that are consistent with deeply held beliefs. The mothers discuss values that also include living life in the moment, surrounding themselves with extended family, being charitable to the less fortunate and living out their own lives and maintaining firm boundaries with their daughters.

Earlier in the study, the women discussed how they acquired certain values from their own mothers that were based on how they were cared for and on certain life lessons and principles they were taught. Knowing right from wrong, treating others in a non judgmental and fair manner, being empathic and fostering confidence and independence are a few of the values mentioned that the women learned from their mothers and that they intend to pass down to their daughters. Acquiring values in this way is consistent with how Greenbaum (1980) defines values: they “are acquired through a long process of learning by way of identification with one’s parents, teachers, political and religious leaders and ideological heroes. The conscious and unconscious ideals of the parent become, for better or worse, the values and ambitions of their children” (p. 3).

The acquisition of values, their origin and development can be understood from a number of different perspectives. Psychoanalytic theory as described by Tyson & Tyson (1990), suggests that values have their origin in the superego. They define the superego “as the psychic system that sets up and maintains moral standards and wished for goals” (p. 195). They describe the superego as a controversial and complicated concept that begins with Freud’s introduction of the term in 1923 and his inclusion of it in his tripartite model of the mind. Freud felt the superego was formed as the result of internalizations and identifications with one’s parents and as a consequence of the

94 resolution of the oedipal complex. He described the superego as the “heir of the Oedipus complex” (Tyson & Tyson, p. 199; Freud, 1923, p. 36); a period in development where the child has to repress incestuous wishes for the parent of the opposite sex. Freud based his discussion of the Oedipus complex upon the male child. The little boy, who loves his mother wants to possess her and do away with his chief rival, his father. Fears of retaliation and the threat of castration cause the boy to renounce his wishes and internalize the prohibition of the father in order to retain his love. Resolution of the oedipal complex results in the formation of the superego that will enforce and guard against the powerful forces of the id. The superego is then comprised of internalized directives and prohibitions and wished for ideals and goals (Tyson & Tyson, pp. 195201).

Many analytic authors take issue with certain aspects of Freud’s theory of the superego. Feminist writers strongly criticize his phallocentric approach to development and his perception of woman as having a weaker and more unstable superego. The feminist position will be described in greater detail below but is one of many criticisms toward Freud’s theory.

Kohut also did not agree with Freud. He did not view the Oedipus complex as a universal psychological experience nor did he place as much significance on its role in development. Instead, Kohut felt it was a phase in development that only had pathological outcomes if the self entered into it in a weakened or fragmented state. A child with a strong and healthy self will enter the oedipal phase capable of navigating through this period of development without undue conflict or turmoil if the self has

95 emerged from the preoedipal period having internalized positive and empathic selfobject experiences (Summers, 1994, p 252 -253).

Self psychology believes that it is during the preoedipal period of development, that one’s values and ideals have their origin. As the child develops and through the experience of optimal frustration, certain aspects of the parental imago are internalized.

The ego ideal is transformed and begins to encompass goals, values, and ideals the child hopes to realize. As the child develops and proceeds through the oedipal phase, affectionate and assertive strivings will be further integrated and contribute to the strengthening of the self, which facilitates the capacity of the self to achieve its goals and ambitions (Summers, 1994, p. 253).

Other psychoanalytic perspectives view the development of the superego as a life long process beginning in the first years of life. Morrison & Severino (1997) discuss how the child’s earliest interactions with caretakers lay the groundwork for the development of values. Pleasurable and positive interactions are internalized and valued. This capacity “unfolds in attuned relationships between caregiver and infant, beginning with the infant experiencing being valued” (p. 2). Mutual experiences of pleasure and satisfaction follow and establish a sense of living life with energy and vigor. As the child continues to develop over the next 12-18 months and becomes more independent, the parent responds to certain behaviors deemed unacceptable. The child will respond with shame and the repair of this rupture is important to the child’s capacity to differentiate and regulate behavior. “Shame serves as the self-monitoring affect. The child internalizes standards set by caregivers through the interpersonal appraisals of approval and disapproval” (p. 4). The child can now begin to regulate behavior based upon

96 anticipated consequences. Empathic awareness of another’s upset or disapproval plus the experience of shame, are the first steps towards the development of values.

Values not only have their roots in the earliest stages of development, but they continue to evolve under the influence of one’s parents, cognitive development, maturity, education, culture and new people and ideas (Milton, 2000, p. 1). The impact of cognitive development, in particular and how one applies their values in moral dilemmas, has been a subject of research and a number of empirical studies over the years. These studies have yielded certain theories about moral development.

Piaget, who studied the intellectual development of children, was one of the first to develop a theory of moral development. According to Ginsburg and Opper (1998), Piaget devised his theory of moral judgment based upon the study of 20 boys between the ages of 4 and 13. He observed the boys playing a game of marbles and proceeded to ask them to explain the rules. The game of marbles, according to Piaget, seemed to reflect important aspects of morality, “the rules governing the game of marbles fulfill all the defining conditions of a moral system” (p. 96). Through his questioning of the boys, he identified three stages of moral behavior. The first is an egocentric stage that occurs when children are between 4 and 7 years of age. The children at this stage believed they were following the rules but were not and were playing quite independently of each other. They were centered on themselves and did not take the other’s point of view into consideration.

The second stage is that of incipient cooperation where the 7 to 11 year olds are starting to understand the rules of the game and beginning to cooperate and compete with one another. The third and final stage of moral development is that of genuine

97 cooperation which begins around the ages of 11 or 12. The child now has full mastery of the rules and is able to play and tries to win while working within the parameters of the game.

As the child progresses through the three stages, they will move from an absolute interpretation of the rules where they cannot be changed or altered to a more flexible position that allows rules to be changed when mutually agreed upon. This reflects the growing maturity of the child who moves from a position where rules are dictated to them to a stage where they are more autonomous in making their own choices and decisions (pp. 96-101).

After Piaget’s initial studies of moral behavior, he became curious about the development of logical thinking. He began to examine, in detail, how logical thought patterns develop from infancy through adolescence. As a result of his studies, he concluded there are 4 stages of cognitive development beginning with the sensorimotor period, followed by preoperational stage, concrete operational and finally, formal operations (Ginsburg & Opper, 1988, p. 180).

According to Reimer (2001), Kohlberg built upon Piaget’s theory and applied his concept of stage development to the study of moral development. He went about his research by using the same methodology as Piaget. His first study involved interviewing boys between the ages of 10 and 16. During the interview, he presented them with hypothetical dilemmas in order to gather data on how they attempted to make moral decisions. Similar to Piaget, Kohlberg wanted to understand “how a person decides which values to act on and whose claims to respect in a situation of moral conflict”

98 (p. 61). His studies yielded a stage development model of moral reasoning where, “moral stages are related and parallel to logical stages but distinct from them” (p. 63).

Kohlberg’s model consists of three levels of moral development: the preconventional, conventional, and post-conventional. Within each level are two stages which results in a total of six stages (Dierck, de Casterle, Roelens & Gastmans, 1998, p.

2). Beginning with the pre conventional level, one’s moral decision making is based on the avoidance of breaking rules out of fear of punishment. Gradually, rules are followed when they meet one’s own interests and needs while taking another’s feelings into consideration is not yet possible. Next, is the conventional level, where the individual moves away from a more egoistic point of view to a perspective that recognizes the values and feelings of the group. Living up to what is expected from the group and being good in order to fulfill one’s personal goals becomes important. Post conventional or principled thinking is the last stage and involves a move toward autonomy and a belief in the validity of universal moral principles. Society’s laws and conventions are questioned and if they are not in alignment with certain principles one will act in accordance with the universal principles of equality, human rights and respect for the dignity of others. Thus, the individual is becoming more autonomous and able to think independently of the group and able to challenge certain conventions of society that conflict with important universal principles (Kohlberg, 1984, 174-176).

Both Piaget and Kohlberg have provided significant contributions to the field of cognitive and moral development. However, they have been widely criticized over the years by several feminist writers who feel their theories reflect a male model of development that portrays women as morally weak and deficient. According to Rosen &

99 Zickler (1996), Carol Gilligan (1982) is one of the most influential and respected writers on this topic who takes issue with Kohlberg’s model of morality claiming it misrepresents women’s development.

Gilligan (1982) begins her critical analysis by examining the long history in psychoanalytic theory that perceives women as morally weak and inferior. Gilligan starts with Freud who believed that women were not as morally strong as men because they were not as vulnerable to castration anxiety. Since little girls were anatomically different than boys, Freud concluded they were not able to form as strong a superego as men.

Gilligan explains, After trying to fit women into his masculine conception, seeing them as envying that which they missed, he came instead to acknowledge, in the strength and persistence of women’s pre-oedipal attachments to their mothers, a developmental difference. He considered this difference in women’s development to be responsible for what he saw as women’s developmental failure (pp. 6-7).

Gilligan continues her argument by drawing on the work of Nancy Chodorow (1978) who addresses the women’s need for relationships and ongoing attachments and recasts it as a developmentally healthy and normal achievement. Chodorow views the need for relationships as non-pathological and having its roots in early development. She posits that since mothers are the primary caretakers in the early years, little girls will then grow up identifying with and wanting to be like their mothers. Boys, on the other hand, realize they are different than their mothers and therefore need to differentiate and separate themselves from what she represents. As a result, little girls have a longer preoedipal attachment to their mothers, are less differentiated and develop more permeable ego boundaries than boys. All of these early experiences result in the little girls emerging with a different orientation to her inner and outer object world. Therefore,

100 according to Chodorow, girls are not deficient as Freud would suggest, but instead, have developed a deeper capacity for empathy and a “stronger basis for experiencing another’s needs or feelings as one’s own” (p. 167). Based on Chodorow’ s theory, Gilligan concludes that men and women experience relationships differently. Women are more socially and relationally oriented. Separation for women can feel threatening whereas for men it is the hallmark of development. Unfortunately, psychological theory pathologizes dependency and views separation and the ability to individuate as a psychological achievement. Consequently, Gilligan states, “Women’s failure to separate then becomes by definition a failure to develop” (p. 9).

Gilligan (1982) continues to discuss how the inferior perception of women also appears in Piaget and Kohlberg’s theory of moral development. Gilligan criticizes Piaget for his biased observations of girls playing games and his theorizing about their limitations in moral development. Piaget, according to Gilligan, observes how boys begin to follow rules in a legalistic manner and how they find ways to resolve disputes or conflicts that arise during the course of a game. This capacity does not appear as much in girls who tend to be more relaxed and tolerant of rules. Piaget views the legal approach to game playing and the following of the rules vital to moral development but cannot appreciate or see value in the girls more creative approach and their need to preserve the relationship over the rules (p. 10).

Gilligan’s criticism of Piaget also extends to Kohlberg’s theory as well. She finds several flaws in Kohlberg’s work and believes his model of development misunderstands women. According to Woods (1996), Gilligan’s issues with Kohlberg are twofold. First, he claims his stage model is universal and applies to everyone when, in fact, his original

101 research was conducted on a group of middle class boys and therefore not representative of girls. Second, a woman’s capacity to be empathic and caring in relationships is a characteristic diminished by Kohlberg’s model and that are deemed as impediments in her growth toward moral maturity.

Based on Gilligan’s (1982) study of female development, she asserts that men and women use different models of morality because of fundamental developmental differences. She conceptualizes a model that takes into consideration the unique characteristics of women, “In this conception, the moral problem arises from conflicting responsibilities rather than from competing rights and requires for its resolution a mode of thinking that is contextual and narrative rather than formal and abstract” (p. 19). She compares her model of care and its focus upon responsibility and relationships to Kohlberg’s model of justice, which places rules and rights at the forefront, and relationships in the background. She also states how progression through Kohlberg’s model represents a shift in understanding moral dilemmas from an egoistic to a more individuated, autonomous perspective. Again, this represents how separation and independence are valued, but for women, who thrive and develop within the context of relationships, they are once again relegated to inferior status because they do not conform to these male dominated standards. Women’s moral reasoning, according to Gilligan, places a higher emphasis on caring for themselves and others, responsibility, maintaining relationships and nonviolence than on abstract rules and principles. (Dierckx de Casterle, Roelens & Gastmans, 1998, p. 3) While keeping in mind the theories of Piaget, Kohlberg and Gilligan, one can begin to better understand the dilemmas of the mothers in the study and how certain core

102 values informed their decision making and helped guide them through challenging periods in parenting. As has been previously stated, values are acquired throughout life and have the capacity to enhance one’s life when they are in harmony with one another.

There are several perspectives on how values evolve under the influence of psychological development, cognitive growth, parental involvement, new life experiences and culture.

Several of the women in the study discussed how their values and beliefs were acquired through their relationship with their parents, in particular, their mothers. They felt their lives were strengthened by important lessons they were taught or by examples set by their parents during their formative years. Many of these lessons left their mark and seemed to have positively influenced the lives of the women. One of the values the women discussed that had a powerful impact was the experience of feeling valued in their relationships with their mother. They describe experiencing unconditional love and support which provided them with a sense of feeling deeply valued and which laid the foundation for a strong and positive core sense of self. Another value mentioned that a few women found important was the capacity of their mothers to treat them like an individual and feeling appreciated for their unique qualities and talents, particularly when they grew up in a family with multiple siblings. A few women also mentioned their fathers and how they admired their strength and sense of calm when faced with hardship.

These women internalized these qualities and continue to draw upon them in their daily lives.

The values that were instilled early on continue to inform the lives of the mothers and contribute to other important beliefs and principles that guide them in their approach to parenting. Several of the women discussed moments of conflict when these beliefs

103 were challenged by certain expectations and standards specific to the affluent culture they were living within. These challenges have caused the women to pause, reflect, doubt and question their core beliefs. Having felt reasonably secure in their beliefs, some of these women were caught off guard when faced with taking a position on an issue that was different than everyone around them. Choosing not to enroll a child in multiple afterschool programs, forgoing the travel sports team or not allowing a grade school daughter to have a cell phone or I-Pod, seemed at first an easy decision but became complicated when challenged by those around them. These women experienced moments of doubt and insecurity but were eventually able to hold on to certain core beliefs that helped steady them during periods of internal conflict. Talking with other like-minded mothers and holding to what felt true and consistent with their own value systems, these women found a way to anchor themselves during difficult times.

The values identified by the women seemed to reflect aspects of Gilligan’s theory of morality. The centrality of relationships in the lives of these women plays an important role in what they value and how they go about resolving dilemmas and issues.

The qualities of empathy, care, and responsibility in relationships are identified by the mothers in the study as highly significant and important. They believe in the importance of being kind and taking other people’s feelings into consideration. They also believe in the capacity to nurture and care for others. They also value family and want their children to experience the love and connection with relatives and close friends. Other mothers value family time and work hard to protect and preserve special moments within their families that are not interrupted by extracurricular activities. These are values that have

104 been identified by the mothers and that seem to influence their decision-making and way of life.

The mothers also identified certain values related to autonomy and independence.

They discussed their desire to have daughters that would eventually be able to take care of themselves and become self-sufficient. These mothers did not want to hover or infantilize their daughters but instead wanted to foster certain life skills that would facilitate independence and autonomy. At first, one may align these values with Kohlberg’s theory of morality, which strives for autonomy and the ability to think independently while following universal principles. Gilligan, on the other hand, believes a woman’s value system emerges from a relational context that is defined by connection, care and responsibility. Based on the mother’s comments related to the importance of family, empathy and caring for others, one could assume that when the mothers talk about independence they are referring to a sense of self that is separate but still connected to others. A self that is embedded within a relational matrix but still autonomous and able to think independently.

Regardless, values that are in harmony with each other enhance one’s daily living.

It feels good to be true to one’s self and live according to internal standards, ideals and goals. When all are working toward the same end; work, relationships, emotional well being, and quality of life are strengthened and will continue to provide an individual with a solid foundation in which to conduct their life.

105

Ambivalence about Social Acceptance The findings of the study also suggest a fourth and final theory related finding implication, which reflects the mother’s ambivalence about the social dynamics that surround her and the feelings that are engendered because of her experiences and observations of others. A few of the mothers in the study elaborated upon experiences with others that evoked feelings of negativity and frustration. Certain mothers within their communities were described as enmeshed, hovering, exclusive, dramatic and petty.

The women in the study also commented on the competitiveness they experienced and in particular, their observations of other mothers jockeying and vying for positions of power. As one mother commented, “These mothers try to be a part of it, to move the pieces and move the players around.” And another, “There are women at school, they just seem to be a part of it all. There’s definitely an adult in-crowd and an out-crowd.”

Their disdain for the social climate around them was palpable but at the same time they seemed to have a heightened awareness of where they and their daughters fit within their respective peer groups. These mothers did not perceive themselves as major players and felt they were on the fringe. They seemed to imply this was by choice but at the same time made reference to how hard it was to find your way into a group of friends, “It is sort of hard to break in around here.” These comments, along with others, seem to suggest their ambivalence about belonging and about the importance and meaning it has in their lives.

That women want to belong or have a need to belong or fit in with others is well documented within the literature. Although Freud felt an individual was motivated by the

106 biological need to discharge libidinal and aggressive drive energy, theorists after him began to incorporate into their psychological models the need for relationships and the importance of significant others. W.R.D. Fairbairn, (Scharff & Birtles, 1997) was one of the first to “move from a biological instinct theory to a psychological theory of a self chiefly motivated by the need for relationships throughout life” (p. 2). Fairbairn initiated a model of development that viewed the individual, motivated from birth, to seek out others for recognition and security. His ideas influenced the work of Klein, Bowlby and Winnicott at the time of their writing, but his work has gained a much wider appeal over the last 30 years. Most notably, Fairbairn’s writing about the self can be found in Kohut’s work, although his contributions were never acknowledged.

Kohut recognized the need for others “who provide certain types of experiences that will evoke the emergence and maintenance of the self. Proper selfobject experiences form the structural cohesion and energic vigor of the self” (Wolf, 1988, p. 11). Kohut believed the need for appropriate selfobject experiences were as important for survival as food and oxygen and essential throughout the life course. Whereas other theorists pathologized dependence and valorized autonomy, Kohut was able to show how an individual needs selfobject relationships and demonstrated how this need could be met in more mature ways throughout development. Galatzer-Levy and Cohler (1993) agree with Kohut and further explore in their collaborative work “the development of relations to people throughout life and how these relations influence development throughout life” (p.

3). They underscored the significance of the essential other in one’s development and how this supports and sustains the emotional health of the self.

107 Feminist theorists view Kohut’s theory as contributing significantly to the recognition of the ongoing need for relationships. However, Jordan (1991) feels Kohut’s theory is limited since the selfobject relationship he describes lacks mutuality and is consequently, one-directional. Therefore, in Jordan’s opinion, “Interest in the other as a separate, subjective being is not part of the model” (p. 85). Instead, Jordan, along with her colleagues from the Stone Center, promote a theory of women’s development that incorporates the centrality of relationships into a psychological model called, “self-in-relation.” This is in contrast to prevailing phallocentric theories based on male development that promote separation and autonomy as the goal for psychological health.

The self-in-relation model, according to Surrey (1991), involves the recognition, “that for women the primary experience of self is relational, that is, the self is organized and developed in the context of important relationships” (p. 53). The growing capacity for relationships and relational competence are considered the basic goals for development.

Surrey (1991) further explains that within the self-in-relation model, development proceeds through relational differentiation. Beginning with the mother daughter relationship, and the identification process between the two, important core self experiences for the young girl are developed within this relational context. Little girls, according to Surrey, want to connect and attach to their mothers. This interest and attentiveness and the mother’s capacity to respond and attune to her daughter, lays the groundwork for a core sense of relatedness. This is the ability “to orient and attune to the other person through feelings, the origin of the capacity for empathy and the beginning practice of relational development” (p. 55). As the relationship evolves, the capacity for

108 mutual empathy continues to develop and enhances feelings of connection and relatedness.

Over time, mother and daughter develop mutual capacities to care and respond to one another’s needs. Surrey describes this as mutual empowerment where mother and daughter validate and enhance each other’s experience of effectiveness while developing a deepening capacity for empathic relatedness. Therefore, the mother daughter relationship serves as a template for other relationships and “forms the precursors of women’s style of learning, of pleasure and self-enhancement in relatedness” (p. 57).

Thus, self-in-relation incorporates the unique capacities of women and views development through relationships rather than through phallocentric theories that promote separation and autonomy.

Taken all together, a woman’s need to belong can be seen as normative and a natural way of being in the world. Relationships have meaning and are a significant source of self-esteem. If unable to function effectively within a relationship, a woman’s sense of self can be significantly impacted leading to feelings of failure and inadequacy.

These feelings can also be engendered when one feels excluded from a group. For the most part, the women in the study who discussed the various social dynamics around them, made conscious choices to not be a part of or join certain groups. They described certain women in their community as enmeshed, petty, dramatic, exclusive and competitive. While many of these descriptions may accurately portray some of the women near and around them, one may also wonder if their observations and negative perceptions are actually projections of deeper issues reflecting conflict over unacceptable feelings of rejection, competition and aggression.

109 Feelings of rejection were openly discussed by a few of the women as they shared their frustrations over experiences of not feeling included within certain groups of women. One mother described the difficulty she had making friends when she moved into her neighborhood. She was caught off guard by the lack of fluidity and openness to move within certain groups, “It totally made me feel like 8th grade. That is when I was trying to get into a certain cheerleading group.” Feelings of rejection and doubting herself came to the surface and caused her to reexamine old feelings from high school.

Other women were not as candid or forthcoming with their feelings but instead, were more pointed in criticizing the other mothers. While many of their complaints may be legitimate and grounded in reality, these mothers may also need to see others negatively as a way of defending against their own vulnerability and feelings of rejection and inadequacy. Externalizing painful affect can protect and shore-up a fragile sense of self and serve as a way to manage unacceptable feelings. This is not to suggest that all the women who made critical remarks fit this category, but they may fall somewhere along a continuum.

Not only did the women in the study comment on their experiences of others as cliquish, but they also observed mothers vying for power and status. They saw women jockey for certain positions on committees, needing to associate with other power brokers and even positioning their daughters in what was perceived as a more prestigious peer group. One mother commented on another woman in her neighborhood who turned down an opportunity to carpool, “I should have known why, I saw this mom working.

She had an agenda. She wanted to be in a certain group and have certain friends.” Some of the women in the study also observed fighting, gossip and pettiness among certain

110 mothers in their community. A woman in the study who had witnessed some of this behavior, commented, “I often feel like a live goldfish in a shark pond.” She described how aggressive and competitive some of the women can be and how she avoids involvement or contact with many of them.

This woman plus a few others complained of overly aggressive and competitive mothers. Issues of power and aggression within and between women are a topic that is both complex and highly charged. The literature reports how difficult it is for women to manage these feelings and how they are challenged by psychological, social, cultural and biological factors that inhibit or suppress expressions of aggression, anger and competition. Turkel (2000) finds it interesting that women are raised to express their emotions but when it comes to the expression of aggression or anger they are silenced.

Turkel explains, “Early in life girls learn both that it is bad to be overtly aggressive and that it is wrong to assert themselves in terms of their own needs and wishes” (p .2).

Kaplan & Yasinski (1984) agree and state, “They [women] learn early that their anger is ignored or punished. Both aggression and assertion, therefore come to be associated for females, with being bad, selfish, cold or uncaring” (p. 1). This is in contrast to boys, who are encouraged to feel angry and to act aggressively and therefore have many more outlets available to process these feelings. Kaplan & Yasinski further assert that the prohibitions against aggression create limitations for women in their capacity for agency, which is the ability to act on behalf of one’s own needs. This significantly affects selfesteem and creates a dampening or suppression of one’s creativity, ambitious strivings, and the ability to compete (pp. 1-2).

111 The origins of these inhibitions are not just culturally and socially based, but also have their roots in certain intrapsychic dynamics. Holtzman and Kulish (2003) posit that issues with aggression and competition for women stem from fears of the “loss of the object or loss of the love of the object” (p. 11). They believe that women often “relinquish a sense of agency over both aggression and sexuality in dealing with triangular conflicts, to preserve a safe relationship with their mothers” (p. 1). During the preoedipal period of development, normative feelings of anger and aggression can be experienced as threats to the relational tie with mother. In a relationship that may feel insecure or tentative, the little girl may feel she has to suppress her feelings in order to preserve the connection. Upon entering the oedipal period, feelings that arise for her father, create considerable conflict, in particular, because it threatens the relationship with the mother whom she “needs to remain bonded and identified with as a source of self esteem” (p. 10). Boys have outlets for their oedipal drama through aggressive play.

Girls, on the other hand, need to remain identified with the mother and therefore feelings of aggression and rivalry must be defensively expressed through denial, disguise or inhibition.

Because so few outlets are available to women, feelings of anger, aggression and competition are often expressed socially. Since women are relationally oriented the one avenue that is most available for them to assert themselves, reestablish power or displace aggression, is within relationships, in particular, with other women. These feelings may be expressed indirectly or covertly as they play out in and through relationships (Hadley, 2003, pp. 3-4). This is often termed relational aggression and has been known to exist not only among adult women but for grade school girls as well.

112 Kohut does not address aggression directly regarding women, but does discuss it extensively within a broader developmental context (Wolf, 1988; Kohut, 1977). He views aggression as innate and used in the service of establishing and maintaining the self. He distinguishes between two types of aggression; competitive aggression and narcissistic rage. Competitive aggression is seen as normal and a reaction to obstacles that stand in the way of accomplishing one’s goals or ambitions. As one works through the difficulties, the aggressiveness will retreat as the goals are achieved. However, if there is repeated and chronic frustration, aggression will break down and be transformed into narcissistic rage. The behavior reported in the study relates more to competitive aggression than to narcissistic rage. Being a member of a group for these women, may meet a selfobject need for affiliation. This can be healthy and growth promoting while fulfilling important mirroring and idealizing needs. Other competitive behaviors, in particular, the behavior noted by several of the mothers in the study, may reflect attempts to inflate or bolster feelings of emptiness, powerlessness and inadequacy.

While keeping all of this in mind, one may wonder about the observations of the women in the study. The dynamics they describe are most likely accurate and realistic perceptions of many of the women they encounter. They may very well experience other women as vying for power and status and engaging in overly determined self-promoting behaviors. The motivation behind this type of behavior is multi-determined, as has been discussed, but also linked to self-esteem and the need to offset feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. However, one may wonder if the observations of the mothers in the study are partially mired in their own frustrated or defeated attempts to assert themselves. Are they demonizing those around them for something they cannot tolerate within

113 themselves? Feelings of aggression may be underprocessed or underdeveloped and not able to be expressed in a healthy and constructive way. Some women may be inhibited and thus avoid competitive situations while defensively retreating into more passive and inhibited behaviors. Could they be envious of women who can express themselves more freely and who demonstrate strength in an area where they struggle? Although most of the women interviewed presented themselves as competent, highly articulate and thoughtful, one may wonder if there are certain aspects of these women that are still conflicted over issues involving competition and aggression.

Summary In summary, the interviews with the mothers yielded data that suggest four findings about their experiences of parenting a school age daughter. First, the mothers reported the reawakening of memories that were commensurate with their daughters’ ages and developmental levels. The mothers found themselves remembering events and experiences and reengaging with thoughts and feelings from years ago. Second, the mothers were worried and anxious about parenting their school age daughters. They often felt overwhelmed and uncertain about making appropriate parenting decisions and doing what was right and in the best interest of their daughters. Compounding the situation, for many mothers, are the challenges of living in affluent and competitive communities and contending with a fast paced, overscheduled day-to-day existence.

Third, when surrounded by others who have lifestyles that conflict with their personal belief systems, the mothers relied on core principles and values to help guide and ground them as they faced a number of parenting challenges. Fourth, the mothers were highly

114 aware of the social dynamics around them and ambivalent about their meaning and place in their lives. Some eschewed the desire to fit in while others openly expressed frustration and hurt over not being included.

115

CHAPTER VI

IMPLICATIONS FOR CLINICAL PRACTICE

This study illuminates the mother’s experience and the psychological impact of having a school age daughter. Findings from the study support existing theory and enrich our understanding of how a mother’s development continues to be enhanced and challenged through the experience of parenting her daughter. This study offers insight into this unique experience and highlights several clinical issues that may emerge for a mother. A heightened awareness of these issues will enhance a clinician’s ability to work more effectively and empathically with a mother when she presents for treatment.

The most significant finding of the study relates to the mothers remembering the past and, in particular, memories of being mothered. These memories remain with the mothers and were evoked as they observed their daughters and were reminded of events and experiences from their past. Some memories were positive, while others have left painful residue. When working with a mother around issues with her daughter, a clinician can attune to the mother’s narrative and listen specifically for historical referents to her experience of being mothered. Pursuing the mother’s history and her experience of being mothered is crucial to understanding the inner life and workings of the mother. As the clinician and mother develop insight and a deeper awareness of her history and its impact upon her development, they can better identify issues that are specific to the mother and that have become reanimated in the relationship with her daughter.

116 Separating the mother’s issues and focusing upon the reawakening of certain aspects of her past, provides an opportunity to work through unresolved issues and further the mother’s development.

As the mother is sensitized to her own issues and conflicts, she will then be better able to empathically connect to her daughter’s struggles and difficulties. A mother who is able to reasonably contain her own issues will be able to maintain healthy boundaries and be better equipped to provide the support and the necessary emotional supplies for her daughter as she navigates through certain developmental challenges.

A particularly challenging period for mother and daughter is when the daughter begins puberty and enters into adolescence. Issues of separation and differentiation are at the forefront and present ongoing stress and strain for both. It can be a highly charged period where regressive moments are common and mothers may find themselves filled with emotions and memories that seemed to have been buried long ago. This study further reinforces how important it is for a clinician to help a mother own her sensitivities and challenges so that she is freed up enough emotionally to be a reliable source of strength. This will enhance her capacity to contribute positively to her daughter’s emotional health and well being during a potentially tumultuous period of development.

This study also reflects how mothers are struggling with worries and anxieties that seem to be rooted in fears of failure and a loss of self-esteem. The mother wants to do what is right but the stakes seem high and the potential for failure feels unbearable. They are overwhelmed and confused with pressure coming from within and around them.

Sorting through the manifest material while attempting to understand the underlying issues will be an important clinical task for the clinician. This study demonstrates how

117 women struggle with unrealistic and unforgiving demands that are often fueled by cultural norms that expect women to be perfect and that are further complicated by internal dynamics. Compounding all of this, according to several of the women, are the pressures of living in competitive and affluent communities where expectations run high and the pressure to succeed are intense. Identifying the external factors that contribute to the pressure and then exploring the underlying vulnerabilities and conflicts that allow the issues to take root will be an important part of working through their internal challenges and struggles Because the demands upon many of the mothers are excessive, it would be easy to stay on the surface, but little would be gained if the focus did not shift to some of the internal issues that are playing out and expressing themselves in their busy and hectic lives. Resonating with the reality of their situations while gradually moving toward a deeper level of understanding and insight will allow them to alter certain patterns of behavior that do not serve them well.

When working with mothers, a clinician might also be mindful of a mother’s reliance upon core values and beliefs. The mothers anchored themselves in personal belief systems that allowed them to make decisions and choices that were consistent with deeply held values and principles. While these core values were not explored extensively in the study, a clinician would want to understand how a mother’s values were formed and what has contributed to their development. Values are known to have their origin in identifications with one’s parents, religious leaders and teachers, to name a few, but exploring where they came from will be essential to understanding how certain aspects of a mother’s internal life are organized and the influences upon her thinking and behavior.

118 Some of the belief systems may be healthy and growth promoting and provide a stable and firm foundation from which they manage their daily lives. Other values may be embedded in unhealthy identifications that perpetuate dysfunctional patterns of behavior.

When one’s values are in alignment with internal ideals and goals, their quality of life is strengthened. However, when certain goals, ambitions, or dreams cannot be realized, chronic frustration ensues and can lead to a sense of self that feels empty, restless, and unfulfilled. Some of the mothers in the study felt grounded by a strong set of principles. Others felt challenged and confused and, at times, lost. The mothers discussed multiple challenges. They discussed the stress of living in an affluent community with high levels of competition, feeling uncertain, confused and doubting themselves. A therapist working with this population would want to help them reengage with values and beliefs that reflect genuine and authentic goals, desires and needs. A therapist might try to identify obstacles that present challenges in order to move a mother toward a more satisfying and fulfilling existence that is consistent with her true self.

This study also demonstrates how women have conflicts with aggressive and competitive feelings. A few of the women complained of others as overly aggressive and power seeking. While these perceptions may be accurate, they deserve further exploration if they emerge as a dominant theme in treatment. A clinician might pursue the meaning of the mother’s complaints and assess if a mother is defending against certain vulnerabilities or unresolved conflicts.

Difficulties in managing aggression manifest both in the home and the professional arena for many women. This can be a source of intense guilt and anxiety and significantly affect a women’s capacity to function to her full capacity. Societal

119 injunctions against the expression of aggressive or competitive feelings plus internal dynamics complicate a woman’s ability to effectively deal with these powerful emotions.

A clinician might try to be aware of their complicated nature and be attuned to a women’s tendency to suppress, inhibit, or dampen down these emotions. Helping a woman acknowledge these feelings and deal with the internal dynamics that prevent their expression will allow her to more successfully manage them and lead to feelings of competency and control in her life.

120

CHAPTER VII

IMPLICATIONS FOR FURTHER STUDY

The findings from this study not only highlight certain issues of clinical relevance regarding a mother’s development, but also stimulate ideas for additional areas of research and study. The findings raise a number of questions that merit further discussion and exploration. The areas of potential study would include; broadening and enlarging the sample of participants to determine if the themes of the findings are consistent among a larger and more heterogeneous sample; determining if there are developmental issues for a mother that are specific to the affluent community; exploring how mothers adjust and react to a daughter who is entering the next developmental phase of puberty and adolescence; and delving more deeply into the underlying psychological forces that propel parents into the hyper-parenting syndrome.

Several themes emerged from the findings that were based on a small, mostly homogenous sample. The themes provide insight into the life of a mother that reflects the psychological impact of raising a daughter. Conducting a study with a larger sample of mothers that includes participants from groups that are more diverse socially, economically and racially, will allow the possibility of generalizing the results.

One would wonder if the women from the larger sample are also reminded of their childhood as they are raising their daughters and if the memories will be as prominent and strong as the smaller sample. Also, it would be interesting to look at

121 whether the women find themselves overwhelmed and confused with the demands of parenting and to explore their sources of support as they face multiple parenting challenges. Does this group of mothers struggle with unrealistic expectations that require almost perfect mothering? Are any of these expectations specific to their race or socioeconomic status? Are they dealing with the pressures of a competitive and achievement focused community? How do they perceive other mothers?

Along similar lines and because most of the women in the study were upper middle class, it would be interesting to further determine if there are developmental issues for the mother that are specific to being a member of an affluent community. One would wonder if there are psychological phenomena that are unique to mothers of this background. Is the competition and intensity around achievement more prominent among the upper middle class and, if so, what are the psychological sequelae for a mother who is a part of this culture? What are the similarities and differences between this group of women and others? Are there aspects of the mother’s development that are universal to all and that transcend race and socioeconomic status? What are the variables that account for differences?

An additional area of research would involve studying mothers when their daughters reach the next developmental phase. The entry into puberty and adolescence has historically been a challenging time for both where issues of separation and reconnection are renegotiated (Kenemore & Spira, 1196, p. 225). This is a period of transition for mother and daughter and it would be interesting to look at the mother’s experience of her daughter’s emerging sexuality and push for independence. This highly charged period of development has the potential to engender a variety of feelings for a

122 mother. It would be interesting to note if this marks an intensification of memories surfacing for the mother. One wonders about the mother’s subjective experience and about the psychological forces at work during this time in her development. What changes for the mother, what stays the same, are the feelings similar to the themes that emerged in the current study or are they intensified and expanded upon?

Specifically, it would be important to take a look at how the mother reacts to her daughter’s physical changes and emerging sexuality. These changes may coincide with the mother entering menopause or facing her own sexual decline. The researcher may wonder how the mother is managing this critical transition in her life while at the same time having to support and accept her daughter’s budding sexuality.

Another area to probe would be in the mother’s adjustment to her daughter’s attempts to renegotiate the boundaries of their relationship. Her daughter will be shifting her attention and time to her peer group. How, in the age of helicopter parenting, is the mother handling her daughter’s independence? Can she accept her daughter’s growing autonomy? Are the boundaries between them able to be restructured? Also, the mothers did not talk at length about relational issues with their school age daughter, it would be interesting to assess whether this changes and the issues move to the forefront when the relationship is in the throes of realignment.

Another research possibility would be to investigate more deeply into the underlying psychological components that propel parents into the hyper-parenting syndrome. A trend exists where children are overwhelmed with activities and having to manage excessive academic requirements. Mothers in the current study acknowledge feeling overwhelmed with all the choices and unsure where to set limits and not always

123 knowing what is right or best for their child. It would be good to know the societal forces that overemphasize achievement and that prey upon a parent’s anxiety and also attempt to better understand the inner dynamics that render a parent vulnerable and escalate anxiety around producing a perfect child.

124

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