Kathryn Croskery Jones

The Institute for Clinical Social Work

An Exploratory Study of Experiences of Healing in the Eucharist

A Dissertation Submitted to the Faculty of the Institute for Clinical Social Work in Partial Fulfillment for the Degree of Doctor of Philosophy

By Kathryn Ann Croskery Jones

Chicago, Illinois February 27, 2016

Copyright © 2016 by Kathryn Ann Croskery Jones All rights reserved

ii

Abstract

This project is an interpretive psychoanalytical phenomenological study of the Eucharist. The purpose was to understand the experiences of healing in the Eucharist using psychoanalytic theory. Seven individuals were interviewed three times each. The first interview focused on personal narratives and early faith experiences. The second interview focused on healing experiences. The final interview was a member-checking (verification) interview using a case study based on findings developed using data from the first and second interviews. Interviews were analyzed using interpretive phenomenological analysis (IPA), (Smith, Flowers, and Larkin, 2009). IPA yielded seven findings, described in four psychoanalytical categories: (a) remembering, repeating and working through; (b) recognizing external and internal changes; (c) communion as belongingness; and (d) communion as a catalyst.

The most striking of the findings was the number of participants who were treated badly by churches because of other childhood difficulties; yet, church is where they turned for healing. Results of this study may guide social workers in understanding experiences of religious clients and helping them heal. Findings may also help religious leaders improve the quality of interactions with children who are experiencing difficulties. iii

For Bob

iv

Where ego is, there id shall come into being again to renew the life of ego and of reason —Hans Loewald

v

Acknowledgements

The vision for this project came to me while studying Freud with Woody Faigen among a cohort of strong and thoughtful classmates at the Institute of Clinical Social Work. They made the space safe for my questions and tolerated my curiosity. I am grateful for the interest, encouragement, and patience of Barbara Berger and Lallene Rector, Paula Ammerman, and Greg Rizzolo. I thank Joan DiLeonardi for her kind words and encouragement when I was close to abandoning the project. This project would not have been completed without John Ridings. His tenacity, wisdom, research knowledge, and practical advice enabled me to claim my scholarship and produce this document under difficult circumstances. Bishop Jung and the cabinet of the Wisconsin Annual Conference encouraged me and covered for me so that I could finish this project. Connie Goldberg, the late Marcia Adler, David Francyzk, Kathy Gwidt and my analyst also played important roles. I am profoundly grateful to participants of this study who shared their intimate experiences.

KCJ

vi

Table of Contents

Page Abstract.............................................................................................................................iii Acknowledgements .......................................................................................................... vi List of Tables ......................................................................................................................x List of Figures ................................................................................................................... xi Chapter I. Introduction.........................................................................................................1 General Statement of Purpose Significance of the Study for Clinical Social Work Statement of the Problem to be Studied and Specific Objectives to Be Achieved Statement of Assumptions Question Explored Theoretical and Operational Definitions of Major Concepts Outline of the Dissertation II. Literature Review .............................................................................................13 Introduction Ritual Theory Psychoanalytic Theory and Ritual

Table of Contents—Continued

Chapter

Page Psychoanalytic Literature and the Eucharist Psychodynamic Implications Underlying The Eucharist–Bowers Psychoanalytic Study of the Eucharist—The Researcher’s Work Psychodynamic Theories of Aggression

III. Methods..............................................................................................................52 Introduction Rationale for IPA Research Sample Research Plan Data Collection Plan for Data Analysis Ethical Considerations Limitations and Delimitations IV. Findings..............................................................................................................70 Introduction The Qualitative Sample Major Findings Responses to Researcher Chapter Summary

viii

Table of Contents—Continued

Chapter

Page

V. Discussion ........................................................................................................117 Analysis, Interpretation and Synthesis of Findings Analytic Category Development Analytic Category 1: The Eucharistas Healing Is an Expression of Remembering, Repeating and Working through Analytic Category 2: Recognizing Internal and External Changes Associated with Holy Communion Analytic Category 3: The Eucharist as Belongingness Analytic Category 4: The Eucharist as a Catalyst Conclusion VI. Implications and Recommendations .............................................................176 Introduction Implications and Recommendations for Fostering Healing Personal Reflections Conclusion Appendices A. Individual Consent for Participation in Research .......................................185 B. Raw Data Tables .............................................................................................189 References .......................................................................................................................214

ix

List of Tables

Table

Page 1. Sample of Exploratory Comments (Step 3) ........................................................63 2. Superordinate Themes ........................................................................................65 3. Descriptors of Participants ..................................................................................73

x

List of Figures

Figure

Page 1. Grid and group. ...................................................................................................23

xi

1

Chapter I

Introduction The Eucharist is a widely practiced Christian ritual (in most traditions, a sacrament) associated with healing. It generally includes individual and corporate confession of sins, the retelling of the story of the death and resurrection of Jesus, and the consumption of bread and wine, representing the body of blood of Jesus. In some traditions, people celebrate the Eucharist on a daily or weekly basis; in others, the celebration is monthly or even less frequently, as part of corporate worship. Additionally, people often take the Eucharist to shut-ins or to church members who are sick or dying.

Virtually all denominations tightly control who may preside over the ritual, and some denominations control who may participate. Generally, no monetary cost accrues for participating, making the ritual accessible to many who cannot access other healing modalities such as talk therapy.

For this study I define healing as “the positive transformative experiences that help people feel better,� which is a goal in secular and in religious helping professions.

For millennia, people have sought and found healing through religious ritual. Individuals may experience religion and religious ritual differently, leading to pathology in some instances; in many other instances, the experience can be healing. In this study, I

2 specifically examined the subjective healing experiences of individuals using the frame of the Eucharist.

The ritual is known by many names, including the Eucharist, Holy Communion, the Last Supper, the Lord’s Supper, and Service of the Table, depending on context and faith tradition. For this study, I use the terms the Eucharist or communion. Communion may be used generically, as in, “The subject finds communion to be healing.” I use Holy Communion to discuss the ritual specifically, as in, “The subject participated in the ritual of Holy Communion.” Communion is the term most natural to my context and tradition.

However, the term communion has meaning beyond the Christian ritual. Therefore, for this study, I have elected to primarily use the Eucharist, which specifically describes this ritual. Other terms, however, appear in the literature. Additionally, participants in this study used other terms, but most commonly communion.

General Statement of Purpose This aim of this study was to offer insight for clinicians engaged in forms of talk therapy as they hear descriptions of and individual experiences in ritual and religious material; to psychoanalytically minded clergy who preside at the Table (offer the Eucharist); as well as to juridical bodies, professors, and others who work with clinicians and clergy. Ultimately, benefit inures to those who need help and healing whether in a therapy situation, in receiving the Eucharist, or in any other helping setting. In the introduction to a psychoanalytic study of religion, Rizzuto quoted Casey on the importance of case studies in the psychoanalytic study of religion:

3 The source of reliable knowledge is at our doors, and studies are urgently needed which are based directly on contemporary clinical experience … careful collections and study would provide a solid and secure basis for understanding the place of religion in the dynamics of human life. (Rizzuto, 1979, p. 4) The observation was left unacknowledged in the analytic community in 1938, when Casey made it. However, Casey’s contention remains largely true today. Over the past 15 years, the number of studies that focus on the role of religion in coping with major life stressors has sharply increased. Empirical studies have demonstrated that many people turn to religion as a resource in their efforts to understand and address the most difficult times of their lives (Pargament, Feuille, & Burdzy, 2011). However, much less is known about the psychodynamics involved in the individual experience.

As a psychoanalytically trained, ordained Protestant clergywoman and social worker, I proposed a qualitative study of the experiences of individuals who self-identify as finding communion healing or curative to be worthy of inquiry. I had many questions: “What are these curative experiences and what do they mean to the communicants? How can they be explained in psychoanalytic terms? What are their emotional and psychical components? Rituals can be powerful, but what is specific about the Eucharist?” Does the answer lie in the words used? Does examining and confessing ones’ sins (such as a sense of brokenness, flaws, or bad acts or omissions) and receiving forgiveness have the healing effect? Is that ritual performed in community? Is it the idea of “eating God” helpful to mediate fears of death with the concept of immortality through divinity? Is the oral incorporation a claim of victory over the knowledge of the certainty of death? Or is it the act of being fed by the ontologically transformed representative of God that heals?

4 What role does the cadence of the liturgy play in the healing affect? Do other physical and psychical factors play a role? Are there similarities in the psychodynamic transformations at work in the “talking cure?”

For this study I interviewed only individuals who experienced a healing transformation through enactment of the Eucharist. Some individuals may have experienced the ritual in pathological ways, such as obsessive thinking or hallucinating.

However, many Christians do experience the ritual as a healing phenomenon, and it is important to understand it.

The notion of curative, spiritual rituals is quite old, and can be found in many religious traditions, including, fox example sweat lodge of the Sioux, the pilgrimage to the Haj in the Muslim religion, Sanskara in Hinduism, and Buddhist mantras. The Christian tradition is full of stories of Jesus claiming, “Your faith has made you well.”

The Eucharist is, at times, tied to Jesus breaking bread, as in the story of the feeding of five thousand with five loaves and two fishes, which is found in all four gospels. In The Varieties of Religious Experience, James (1902) described a number of religions and religious sects premised on the “Mind-Cure.”

It is a deliberately optimistic scheme of life with both a speculative and practical side. … One of the doctrinal sources is the four gospels … it matters nothing that just there are hosts of persons who cannot pray, so there are greater host who cannot be any possibility by mind-curers’ ideas. For our immediate purpose, the important point is that so large a number should exist who can be so easily influenced. They form a psychic type that it is being studied with respect. (pp. 90– 91)

5 In this study, I examined the experiences of this psychic type, as James proposed.

Specifically, I included individuals who self-identified as experiencing communion as healing, in whatever terms they defined this sense of healing or cure. I stand with Meissner (1979), James (1902), Rizzuto (1979), and Jones (2002) each of whom understood that religion can be seen along the spectrum from significant psychopathology to mature and healthy functioning. Pargament (1997) provided additional theoretical perspectives on “religious coping.” Pargament defined religious coping as efforts to understand and address life stressors in ways related to the sacred.

The term sacred refers not only to traditional notions of God, divinity, or higher powers, but also to other aspects of life that align with the divine or are imbued with divine-like qualities. Pargament stressed several points: 1. religious coping serves multiple functions, including the search for meaning, intimacy with others, identity, control, anxiety-reduction, transformation, as well as the search for the sacred or spirituality itself; 2. religious coping is multi-modal: it involves behaviors, emotions, relationships, and cognitions; 3. religious coping is a dynamic process that changes over time, context, and circumstances; 4. religious coping is multi-valent: it is a process leading to helpful or harmful outcomes, and thus, research on religious coping acknowledges both the “bitter and the sweet” of religious life; 5. religious coping may add a distinctive dimension to the coping process by virtue of its unique concern about sacred matters; and

6 6. because of its distinctive focus on the ways religion expresses itself in particular life situations, religious coping may add vital information to our understanding of religion and its links to health and well-being, especially among people facing critical problems in life. (2011, pp. 53–54) An openness toward these features is consistent with a context-rich frame of hermeneutic, in-depth case studies, like the present study.

I chose a hermeneutic approach for this study because objectivist, evidence-based approaches entail “an abhorrence of ambiguity, complexity, uncertainty, perplexity, mystery, imperfection and individual variation” (Cushman & Gilford, as cited in Hoffman, 2009). It may be tempting to privilege systemic objectivist research and neuroscience over in-depth case studies in an era where neuroscience is exploding with new possibilities for understanding, and many institutions, particularly insurance companies, clamor for “evidenced-based” black and white ways of knowing. Such an unambiguous, prescriptive attitude is potentially damaging to the psychoanalytic endeavor.1 At its core, psychoanalytic inquiry requires embracing the ambiguous and working creatively and collaboratively in a context-dependent environment (Hoffman, 2009).

Hence the approach of in-depth case studies offers possibilities about how to think about subjective material. Rather than forcing the experience of a patient (or participant) into a particular model of frame or diagnosis, in-depth case studies offer possibilities to understand, connect, and thereby participate in the sacred role of midwife to a patient’s

Shedler (2010), however, provided excellent “evidence-based” proof of healing in psychodynamic treatments.

1

7 new understanding. Instead, the hermeneutic approach offers a more curious and respectful attitude toward ambiguity, complexity, uncertainty, perplexity, mystery, imperfection, and individual variation. This study focuses on subjective understandings and how people make meaning of healing experiences in Holy Communion.

Notwithstanding the foregoing, as the data emerged, case studies seemed to suggest, more often than not, an object-relations perspective.

In this study, I used psychoanalytic theory to explore individual experiences of the Eucharist. By psychoanalytic theory, I refer to the discipline in psychology founded primarily by Freud, which holds that human behavior is largely outside consciousness, and has its primarily endeavor to make the unconscious conscious. The communion ritual and psychoanalytic practice center on meaning making that is central to being human.

Making the unconscious conscious is one way humans make meaning. This study examined the individual experiences of healing through the Eucharist from the perspective and language of psychoanalytic understanding. I asked how people described and understood the positive, transformative experiences they associated with the Eucharist. This study holds to the tenets of what Bruner termed a culturally-oriented psychology; that is, a psychology that neither dismisses what people say about their mental states, nor treats them as though they were the only predictive indices of overt behavior, (Bruner, 1990) Meaning-making and how people describe it is the “stuff of life.� It is to be respected and studied with reverence.

This interpretive study involved listening with attention, not only to what was said, but how it was said. The approach respected participants in the study as well as the hermeneutic stance of the researcher. This psychoanalytic stance suggests setting aside

8 objectivist thinking and working in an interpretive paradigm, which is so well suited to psychoanalytic disciplines (Hoffman, 2009).

Significance of the Study for Clinical Social Work A likely question this dissertation elicits is, “Why study communion in a psychoanalytic, clinical social work program?” First, communion is a ritual associated with healing, providing a frame for understanding subjective healing experiences.

Second, although psychoanalytic psychology and religion often follow somewhat divergent paths, each discipline endeavors to enable people to live better in the face of difficulties. Psychoanalysis and religion share meaning making and a faith in transformation. According to the International Federation of Social Workers, effort: “promotes social change, problem solving in human relationships and the empowerment and liberation of people to enhance well-being. Utilizing theories of human behavior and social systems, social work intervenes at the points where people interact with their environments. Principles of human rights and social justice are fundamental to social work.” (2010, para 2) This multidisciplinary study supports this fundamental function. Participants pay no fee for participating in communion, need have no credentials to be checked (in most instances) upon admission, require no insurance card, and largely retain anonymity, the ritual is likely more accessible to people who are poor, isolated, or ashamed. Although

9 certainly not the ritual for everyone, communion is a ritual to be respected by the tenets of social work cited above.

The ritual of communion has been practiced and has offered people comfort across wide spectrums of time and cultures.2 This ritual is important to many people, notwithstanding (and maybe because of) its gruesome content. Understanding the healing stories of communion should benefit people seeking care in a variety of clinical settings.

Communion experiences, as common experiences associated with healing, provides an ideal frame for a hermeneutic study on healing.

This religious practice may have something important to teach psychoanalytic theorists about the healing of humans. Religion and psychoanalytic theory have an uneasy historical relationship, primarily because of Freud’s difficulties with religion.

Freudian views sometimes have been reduced to the notion that religion is merely a neurosis based on wish fulfillment. This issue has created two problems. First, gaps exist in understanding the role of religion in creating psychic balance. Second, as Rizzuto (1979) noted, “As in many other areas, if the analyst’s personal analysis has not helped him come to terms with his religious beliefs or lack of them, there is a risk of unchecked countertransference reactions in this realm” (p. 210). Perhaps this study can offer a gentle call to analysts regarding their personal work. Less unchecked countertransference will benefit analytic and religious disciplines by widening and deepening the conversation.

Psychoanalytic theory can illumine understanding of the efficacy of religious practices,

2

The ritual has its roots in the Jewish Seder, as described in the synoptic gospels (Mt. 26, Mk 14, Lk 21).

10 including the ritual of Holy Communion.3 Putting separate disciplines in conversation with one another by analyzing human experience may bring deeper understanding to how people work and how people help. Studying the subjective experiences of any endeavor that offers healing will advance the field of clinical social work.

Statement of the Problem and Specific Objectives Achieved Clinical social work and psychoanalytic literatures are still scant in subjective experiences of healing associated with religious ritual, even though these healing experiences appear to be relatively common. This study analyzes the meaning of these experiences. Freud’s personal issues regarding religion created a distorted legacy for psychoanalytic thought (Rizzuto, 1998, p. 162). Gradually, psychoanalytic thought is shedding these distortions as object relatedness expands and challenges determinism and drives theories in understanding of what it means to be human. This study is part of the growing body of psychoanalytic literature correcting Freud’s distortions.

Statement of Assumptions This study assumes that communion is at least sometimes experienced as healing, when healing is defined as a “positive transformative experience.” Some individuals who

3

The May 2010 issue of the APA Monitor contains an article that argues psychologists should allow theistic ideas to remain in the market place of psychological ideas (Clay, 2010)

11 participate in communion at least occasionally experience positive transformation. It may be a greater sense of wholeness (more peaceful, happier, more hopeful, better selfesteem, relieved of burdens, problems, etc.) that one feels after participating in the Eucharist than was felt before their participation. The assumption is not that communion cures disease such as a physical ailment or impediment. This study does not take up that question. The assumption arises from Christian practice as well as from personal experience. Across Christian traditions, people who are sick receive administration of the Eucharist. For the last 40 years, Roman Catholic liturgy expressly made the healing claim in the Eucharistic liturgy: “I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.”4 Christian literature such as The meal that heals (Stone, 2006), argues for the assumption that communion is healing from a theological viewpoint. This study explores and interprets the meaning related to such healing experiences in psychoanalytic terms. This study also assumes that religious people may be psychologically healthy, deeply disturbed, or between. Their religious practices may or may not support psychological health.

These words were changed effective November 27, 2011, to: “Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.” (The reference to roof is to the physical healing of the centurion’s slave in Matthew 8:5–10).

4

12 Question Explored The question explored in this study was, “How do individuals who experience the ritual of the Eucharist as healing describe, understand, and make-meaning of their experiences?

Theoretical and Operational Definitions of Major Concepts “The Eucharist” (communion, Holy Communion, the Mass, the Last Supper, the Lord’s Supper, the Divine Liturgy, and Service of the Table) is the Christian ritual wherein the story of the crucifixion of Jesus is retold and elements of bread and wine are blessed and distributed to communicants. Ordinarily, an individual and a corporate (group) confession of sins and a pardon take place prior to the consumption of the elements. “Healing” for the purposes of this study, means a positive, transformative experience that may or may not include physical healing. The positive, transformative quality of the experience is whatever the participant identified as such.

Outline of the Dissertation This hermeneutical, phenomenological study takes the form of a first chapter introducing overall concepts, followed by chapters covering a review of the literature, methodology, findings, discussion and conclusions, and a summary.

13

Chapter II

Literature Review Introduction Many studies on The Eucharist exist. Few, however, use psychoanalytic theory as a primary lens. Because the Eucharist is, among other things, a ritual, I begin with a review of ritual theory. Then I describe psychoanalytic literature, applying ritual theory specifically to understanding communion. I summarize the work of Bowers (1963), Kristeva (1982), and Brown (1985). Object-relations theory, particularly the theories of.

Winnicott (1960, 1967), offers an excellent frame for understanding communion’s positive effect. Because this is a study of healing associated with the Eucharist, I discuss Winnicott’s theory applied to the Eucharist, as observed by Ross and Ross (1983), in some detail. My theory, “Source Instinct,” can be considered an extension of objectrelations theory. Because my theory claims that a release and binding of aggression is part of the sense of healing, I also discuss classical and object-relations theories of aggression. Not surprisingly, Freud’s (1914, 1915, 1928, 1929, 1953) work is foundational and appears throughout this literature review, beginning with ritual theory.

14 Ritual Theory Turner’s (1969) Ritual Process opens with a list of early students of ritual including Durkheim, Freud, Fraser, Levi-Strauss, Robertson-Smith, Weber, and Wundt, who “labored mightily in the vineyard of pre-literate ritual” (p. 3). Most of these scholars, particularly Freud, took up the task of trying to explain or explain away religious phenomena as the product of psychological or sociological causes. Turner noted that, despite a variety of opinions among these thinkers, all assert “the extreme importance of religious beliefs and practices for both the maintenances and radical transformation of human social and psychical structures” (1969, pp. 3–4). It is variety, rather than unity, that dominates the literature defining ritual.

Freud’s (1953) anthropological study Totem and Taboo contains ideas important to studying the psychical mechanism of ritual, even though it has been largely discredited5 for its Lamarckian viewpoint, offensive language, and the notion of the primal horde6 (which he borrowed from Darwin). Whether or not one accepts the myth of the primal horde, it is difficult to dispel Freud’s notion that ritual relates to group identity.

In Totem and Taboo, Freud relied heavily on the work of linguist and Old Testament scholar Robertson-Smith, who stated that the basic social function of ritual was “to create

5

The Lamarckian notion that an acquired trait can be inherited has been largely discredited. Most unfortunate however is the loaded and pejorative use of terms like “savage,” and “Psychology of the Primitive Race,” which are so off-putting today that they tend to discourage recognition of Freud’s genius.

6

A band of brothers rose up against their tyrannical father, killed him, seized his sexual objects (women) and devoured his remains in a feast. Then, consumed with guilt, they perpetuated him in memory as a totem figure, creating practices of prohibition and avoidance (taboo). Freud (1953) suggested that the primal horde story birthed the Oedipal myth. Neurotics carry out these feelings and thoughts.

15 and maintain community” (Bell, 1997, p. 4). Ritual, Robertson-Smith claimed, was an essential feature of religion.

Religion is not an arbitrary relation of the individual man to a supernatural power, it is the relation of all the members of a community to a power that has the good of the whole community at heart and protects its law and moral order.

(1889/1972, p. 55) Durkheim (1912/2001) also noted that religion is about community. Common beliefs about what is sacred and profane, as expressed in practices, are what creates the group. Rites (rituals), according to Durkheim “are distinguished from other human practices (most notably moral practices) only by the special nature of their object” (1912/2001, p. 36). The nature of the object must be expressed in beliefs that are “either representations or systems of representation that express the nature of sacred things, the virtues and powers attributed to them, their history, their relations with each other and with profane things.” (1912/2001, p. 36) This is different from what Durkheim termed “magic.” Yet, magic is part of ritual. Magic alone does not bind followers to one another.

Even though magicians may form communities, they may or may not have rituals as Durkheim defined them. The term magic seems quaint, a century after Durkheim wrote about its relationship to religious ritual. Yet today, in The Spiritual Brain, neuroscientists argue for the nonmaterialist approach to the mind. They suggest an agency we, as of yet, cannot quantify, describe, or understand. If the mind is not “magical, then certainly it is mystical” (Beauregard & O’Leary, 2007 p. 189).7 Durkheim’s position is also supported

7

The neuroscience of ritual is beyond the scope of this study.

16

by McCauley and Lawson’s (2002) notion of “culturally postulated superhuman” (CPS) agents invoked in religious ritual support Durkheim’s position. They share understanding of the role of a god or god-like figure (a CPS) in the ritual action. Essentially, the McCauley and Lawson theory has two critical components: First, the basic difference between ordinary actions such as opening a door, and a ritual action is the recognition of an agent; second is the role of a CPS agent in the role of the ritual. Typically, people make assumptions about the CPS-agent that are reflected in the ritual.

Turner (1969) independently adopted this notion implicating magic, defining ritual as “A stereotyped sequence of activities involving gestures, words, and objects, performed in a sequestered place, and designed to influence preternatural entities or forces on behalf of the actors’ goals and interests” (emphasis added; p. 2). Turner also noted that rituals are storehouses of meaningful symbols by which information is revealed and regarded as authoritative, as dealing with the crucial values of the community. … They reveal human values at their deepest level. … Men express in ritual what moves them most, and since the form of expression is conventionalized and obligatory, it is the values of the group that are revealed” (1969, p. 2) Rituals are social dramas in which the tensions of social structure can be expressed (safely) and worked out. Yet the symbols in ritual are multivocal. A single symbol represents many things at the same time (Turner, 1969).8

8

Multiple meanings are party of the obfuscation of knowledge, which is discussed below.

17 Turner (1969) built on Van Gennup’s work on rites of passage to demonstrate that rites of passage are “rites which accompany every change of place, state (that is, any type of stable or recurrent condition that is culturally recognized), social position, and age.”

According to Van Gennup, three phases mark all rites of passage: separation, margin, and aggregation. Separation comprises symbolic behavior signifying the detachment of the individual or group from an earlier fixed point in the social structure. Margin (or limen, meaning “threshold” in Latin), characterizing the ritual subject in this second or marginal (hereafter “liminal”) stage, is ambiguous. The person passes through a cultural realm wherein they have none or a few of the attributes of the past or coming state. Turner likened the liminal state to death, being in the womb, invisible, in darkness, bisexual, in wilderness, or to an eclipse of the sun or moon: it is difficult, tension provoking “betwixt or between states” (1969, p. 95). Liminal “threshold people are: lowly and sacred.

Liminal entities are lacking … represented as possessing nothing sometimes disguised as monsters wearing only a strip of clothing and sometimes even go naked” (Turner, 1969 p. 95).9 Liminal beings have no status, property insignia, or secular clothing indicating rank or role position in a kinship system. They bear nothing that may distinguish them from their fellow neophytes or initiates. They are reduced in a uniform condition to be fashioned anew and endowed with additional powers to enable them to cope with their new station. In the final stage, aggregation (re-aggregation or reincorporation), the individual is reinstated or transformed. Once the passage is consummated, the ritual

9

In baptism, in the catechumen tradition, people wear white, which is likely a “symbolic nudity.”

18 participant is in a relatively stable state once more and has rights and obligations vis-à-vis others of a clearly defined and structural type (Turner, 1969).

Focusing primarily on the liminal phase, Turner (1969) imposed a concept dubbed communitas, on Van Gennup’s tri-phasic structure of rites of passage. Communitas is a dynamic modality of social relationships: two major “models” for human interrelatedness that are juxtaposed and alternating. The first model is society as a structured, differentiated, and often hierarchical system of political-legal-economic positions with many types of evaluation, separating people in terms of “more” or “less.” The second model is society as an unstructured or rudimentarily structured and relatively undifferentiated community, or even communion of equal individuals who submit together to the general authority of the ritual elders. A working out of individual identity and the role with the group occurs by passing though the liminal state. From the viewpoint of those concerned with the maintenance of “structure,” all sustained manifestations of communitas must appear as dangerous and anarchical, and must be addressed using prescriptions, prohibitions, and conditions because of the fears they evoke.

Turner (1969) used the roles of the court jester, holy beggars, and third sons as symbols of communitas.

Jesters were usually men of low class—sometimes on the Continent of Europe they were priests—who clearly moved out of their usual estate. In a system where it was difficult for others to rebuke the head of a political unit, an institutionalized joker, operating at the highest point of the unit … a joker able to express feelings of outraged morality” (p. 109)

19 Communitas represent the poor and the deformed and appear to symbolize the moral values of communitas against the coercive power of supreme political rulers. In Western culture, the homeless and mysterious “stranger,” without wealth or name, restores ethical and legal equilibrium to a local set of political-power relations by eliminating the unjust secular “bosses “ who oppress the small landholders. They are persons or principles that fall in the gaps of social structure, are on its margins, and occupy its lowest rungs.

Communitas break in through the gaps of structure, in liminality, at the edges of structure, in marginality from beneath structure, in inferiority. They break down structure so it can be recreated. The immediacy of communitas gives way to the immediacy of structure. Individuals are released from structure into communitas only to return to structure, revitalized by their experience of communitas. Turner (1969) asserted that no society can function without this dialectic.

Exaggeration of structure may well lead to pathological manifestations of communitas outside or against “the law.” Exaggeration of communitas, in certain religious or political movements of the leveling type, may be speedily followed by despotism, over-bureaucratization, or other modes of structural rigidification. Those living in community seem to require, eventually, an absolute authority, whether a religious commandment, a divinely inspired leader, or a dictator. Communitas is unstable and cannot be sustained if human beings are to adequately meet their material and organizational needs. Maximization of communitas provokes maximization of structure, which in its turn produces revolutionary strivings for renewed communitas.

Imbedded in this oscillating dynamic between structure and antistructure is the notion of status reversal in which roles are masked. For example, in the United States at

20 Halloween, children exemplify several liminal motifs by dressing up. Their masks ensure them anonymity, for one “knows� just whose particular children they are. As with most rituals of reversal, Turner (1969) postulated that anonymity is for purposes of aggression, not humiliation. Masking endows the wearer with the powers of feral, criminal/supernatural beings. The masking also functions as a defense against that which is feared (Rogers, 2006). Turner used A. Freud’s notion of the psychological defense. An animal guise in child fantasy is a defense against aggressive and punitive powers of parents, particularly the father (especially castration). An effective defense mechanism used by the ego against such unconscious fear is to identify with the terrifying object.

Identification robs a terrifying object of its power (and perhaps may even drain power from it. Identification also means replacement. A. Freud (1938) noted that children often play at being tigers, lions, cougars, gunmen, Indians, or monsters, unconsciously identifying themselves with the very powers that deeply threaten them.

Turner (1969) postulated that rituals of status reversal, according to this principle, mask the weak in strength, demand of the strong that they be passive, and patiently endure the symbolic and even real aggression shown against them by structural inferiors.

Rituals of status include rituals of elevation and rituals of status reversal in status elevation. Candidates for higher status often mute and constrain aggressive behavior, though they are often present. The candidate moves up symbolically at the end of the ritual, when the candidate will enjoy more benefits and rights than before. In status reversal, the group or category that is permitted to act as if it were structurally superior in this capacity will berate and belabor its pragmatic superiors who are, in fact, perpetually of a lower status.

21 Turner (1969) further observed that cognitively, nothing underlines regularity as well as absurdity or paradox and that emotionally, nothing satisfies as much as extravagant or temporarily permitted illicit behavior. These are acted out in the social drama of ritual. Rituals of status reversal accommodate both aspects. By making the low high and the high low, they reaffirm the hierarchical principle. By making the low mimic (often to the point of caricature) the behavior of the high, and by restraining the initiatives of the proud, they underline the reasonableness of everyday culturally predictable behavior (as cited in Deflem, 1991).

Douglas (1966, 1970), building on Turner’s work, also developed a special functional-structural approach to ritual theory, contrasting in structure and antistructure.

Rituals function as transmitters of culture in that they help people to know their society.

“Rituals work on the body politic through the physical body” (Douglas, 1966, p. 159).

Douglas developed the concept of “grid and group” to describe how this occurs (see Figure 1). As Bell described, Grid refers to the strength of the rules governing the interrelationship of the individual roles and formal positions in society whereas group refers to the strength of people’s associations to a tightly knit or closed community. Grid is order classification, the symbolic system. Group is pressure, the experience of having no option but to consent to the overwhelming demands of other people.

(1997, p. 43) Douglas (1970) noted that societies with strong group and strong grid would be marked by greater control and more ritual, whereas weak-group and weak-grid societies would be marked by individualism and less ritual. A relationship persists between the social body

22 and individual physical bodies, similar to a connection between the emotional and physical states in a single body.

23 Grid system of shared classifications +

ego increasingly independent of other people’s pressure

Group

+

0

+

Ego increasingly controlled by other people’s pressure

private system of classification

Figure 1. Grid and group.

Note. From Natural Symbols, by M. Douglas, London, England: Routledge, p. 64.

24 Anthropologist Mary Douglas (1966, 1970) recognized the function of symbols and culture in obfuscating knowledge. Harkening back to the Garden of Eden myth in Genesis, in which the first “sin” was committed by the god-defying act of eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, Douglas noted that humans erect barriers against knowing to protect the idea of “interior innocence”, which seemed true at both an individual10 and social level. Douglas (1970) understood that social forms restrict selfknowledge. In a strong grid-and-group paradigm, understanding is culturally restricted and any change or shift is an anathema and a danger. A person in transition needed to be purified and reintegrated to restore order to the whole. Ritual performed this function.

Geertz (1973) discussed ritual as “consecrated behavior … that the moods and motivation which sacred symbols induce in men and the general conceptions of the order of existence which they formulate for men meet and reinforce one another” (p. 112).

Rituals are a symbolic fusion of ethos and worldview. In ritual, the world as imagined and the world as lived fuse together. They are cultural performances (c.f. Turner’s, 1969 social drama).

Psychoanalytic Theory and Ritual Such cultural performances share much in common with psychoanalytic practice, if not theory. Achterberg (1996) observed that the common thread of experience running through all types of healing, from religions to medicine and psychotherapy, is the ritual

10

Psychoanalytically this seems similar to the notion of disavowal.

25 that accompanies the medicaments, ministrations, and various gadgets that humans have used to treat each other over the years. Indeed, external ministrations may be regarded more as symbols of healing than as the active ingredient of healing, or the restorative ability of the mind and body. Therefore, it is necessary to focus on the potential of rituals as well as on the practices that accompany them to understand efficacious therapy (Achterberg, 1996).

Butler (2005) observed that transference and countertransference function “To enact what cannot be narrated and to enact the unconscious” (p. 54). It seems that ritual functions in a similar way. Transference (at least under object relations and relational theories) rests on the paradigm of the first transformational object relation, which is almost always the mother–child relationship. The psychoanalytic process constitutes a memory of this primary relationship. Psychoanalytic practice is “A form of countertransference since the patient recollects by enactment the transformational object situation” (Bollas, 1987, p. 26). Indeed, one might imagine the priest presiding over the communion table as a Mother Jesus feeding her children. In Totem and Taboo Freud observed, seemingly echoing St. Paul (Roman 3:23), that “psychoanalysis confirms what the pious won’t say—we are all miserable sinners” (Freud, 1953, p. 104). The pious do confess their sins, however, as they approach the Table.

Psychoanalytic Literature and the Eucharist I found only one clinical study of the Eucharist through a psychoanalytic lens.

That slim volume, Conflicts of the Clergy: A Psychodynamic Study with Case Histories

26 (Bowers, 1963) contains case histories of clergy under the care of a psychiatrist. The Eucharist was not the intended subject of the Bower studies, but often emerged in the case studies with healthy and pathological meaning and, hence, took a central role in the case studies.

Chauvet wrote on the Eucharist applying Lacanian theory, but this writing does not include the study of any subjects (Chauvet, 2001)). One doctoral dissertation examined communion as a transitional object (in a Winnicottian sense) and then examined the film, Babette’s Feast psychoanalytically as a form of Eucharist, but the study lacked a clinical focus. It suggested potential material in fictional characters (Nolasco, 2002). Ross and Ross (1983) also used Winnicott to extend classical theory to understand ritual, including the Eucharist, discussed in some detail below. In The Eucharist: Bodies, Bread and Resurrection, Bieler and Schottroff (2007) examined the transformative power of the ritual on a sociopolitical level, and provided a history of the ritual. Again. they did not consider the experiences of individuals and the study cannot truly be classified as psychoanalytical. This is also true of Torture and Eucharist: theology, politic and the body of Christ (Cavanaugh, 1998), which is primarily a study of social ethics, although it certainly examined the Eucharist and aggression. Brown (1985) and Kristeva (1982) probably come closest. They did not support their writings with clinical material. My prior study included a hypothesis that the ritual can provide a sense of healing as a release and a binding of aggression, incorporated into this section.

27 Psychodynamic Implications Underlying the Eucharist–Bowers.

While indicating multivariate meanings in the Eucharist, Bowers (1963) noted that it can be widely understood as “A sharing of food with God, making communion and communication possible between God and man, man and his group, man and his environment and as a means of covenant” (pp. 41–42). The Eucharist’s underlying meaning also emerged in case studies as a blessing, a covenant and conditional curse, and a sacrifice.11 Bowers also looked at the Eucharist as an expression of sexual deviation: The mystery of communion in terms of oral incorporation, of taking something into our bodies through the token of food and drink, strengthening our human dignity and the beauty of our humanity, of our physical being as the valuable, meaningful garment of the soul. The symbol of becoming like the object which we eat and drink, tells in a very beautiful sense that we in partaking of this meal, are being blessed in our humanity, and the community of people is being brought closer together. (Bowers, 1963, p. 43) The loaf, Bowers opined, baked by women of the church, brings an earthly reality lost when the Host is a wafer. This practice embeds notions of both sacrifice and community.

The anxiety of separateness, of aloneness, lessens as one enters into a ritual of singing, moving together, and sharing food and drink.

11

The finding of the ritual as being healing to some but disturbing to others is consistent with the findings of Pargament (1997) who conducted extensive research on religion and coping. Pargament found that religious rituals are helpful 40% of the time, and harmful 23% of the time, without citing mixed results from several studies, and noted that rituals may mobilize distress initially, with benefits some time later (not unlike many therapies). Pargament further noted that some rituals are more helpful than others and some more helpful to some groups than to others. Participating in religious rituals and good deeds as a form of coping with negative events created positive affect more often than not.

28 Also embedded in the ritual is the notion of covenant. Referencing Menniger’s notion of psychoanalytic treatment as a covenant, Bowers (1963) drew a parallel. Patients agree to pay a certain sum for an analyst’s time, agree to be honest and say what comes to mind. The analyst agrees to be awake and skillful and interested in helping the patient with self-understanding. Yet, in the continuing relationship, unconscious motivations, transferences, countertransferences, concerns, and feelings develop, and ideally are resolved. Similarly, people have a unique contractual relationship with God. A covenant requires an exchange (legally called consideration; Bowers, 1963). According to Bowers, a conditional curse is the penalty for breach, blessing, and the hoped for fulfillment. In religious ritual, sacrifice, blood, bodily contact, and sharing a meal bind the contract and transfer the blessing or curse. The blessing is the Kingdom, a living growing relationship with God, present and timeless in continuity. Whoever eats or drinks unworthily may feel guilty of Christ’s murder. Neither bread nor wine must be desecrated according to some traditions.

The wafer was made so that it did not need to be chewed (Bowers, 1963). With historical records of trial, tortures, burning, and widespread massacres of Jews, the same fantasy coming from mentally ill clergy should be no surprise. In an effort to contain this aggression in being the sacrificed or the sacrificer within themselves, wrath spills out on their congregations. Referencing Róheim, all taboos against aggression fail and the aggression is turned inward. “Such a Father God or superego was too severe to be endured. An attempt was made to make a covenant; to egress to the oral stage, the dual unity of the mother-child stage” (Róheim, 1947). The ego then regresses to a pathological oneness of infantile reunion with the mother until the sense of self is lost. St. Paul’s “It is

29 not I, but Christ in me” is not a splitting off, but the death of the self in hope of rebirth (Bowers, 1963). Such a loss results in post devotional emptiness and depression, common in patients who were devout laity and clergy. Bowers (1963) observed that sick clergy (patients) often projected their anger onto the scapegoat and then in righteous wrath, tried to destroy it. They attempted to contain this aggression in themselves, but it often spilled onto their congregations.

The sacrifice of Jesus reenacted in the Eucharist liturgy has much in common with many indigenous religions that sacrificed priest-kings (Tammuz, Adonis, Balder, CPS-agents, etc.; Bowers, 1963). Jesus symbolized the many pagan gods who were sacrificed and then resurrected in the vernal equinox. When humans take communion, they may have a sense of sympathetic magic, which underlies the practice of cannibalism common in the early development of humans. Like Jesus, the human body dies, but the soul lives eternally. The cannibal hopes to acquire the strength and courage of the one upon whom he feeds. This seems to connect to human infancy and devouring of the breast. Although having no conscious memory of this experience, a bodily memory likely exists. Bower (1963) suggested that Freud’s use of Father–God is a screen to protect oneself from realizing aggression against and desire to devour and become like the mother.12 The relatively common resistance toward female clergy may be imbedded at

12

Jonte-Pace (2001) and Róheim (1947) also wrote about this notion. Jay’s (1992) work, discusses religious sacrifice as a mechanism of inheritance, intergenerationally and gender-dependent.

Sacrificing can identify and maintain … male to male succession that transcend dependence on childbearing women. Because it identifies social and religious, rather than biological descent, sacrificing can identify membership in groups with no presumption of actual family descent. This is the case with the sacrifice of the Mass (communion), offered by members of a formally institutionalized “lineage,” apostolic succession of the clergy in the Roman Church. This social organization is a truly perfect “eternal line of descent,” in which authority descends from father to father through one “Son made perfect” in a line no longer directly dependent on women’s reproductive powers for continuity ((Jay, 1992, p. 37)

30 least in part with this “unthinkable, unspeakable idea.” Misogyny may well find its birth in this same notion.

Not surprisingly, then, Bowers (1963) also found that expressions of sexual deviation included homosexuality. In a perversion of love, individuals are so frustrated by abandonment and loneliness that they become riddled with hate and cruelty. They want to hold so tightly to avoid abandonment that they get stuck in devotion to communion. This is often the genesis of stigmata: hysterical bleeding from the hands feet or side. “The investment of the passion and death of our Lord with the full component of cruel mistreatment and painful suffering increases the possibility of the sexual perversion of wounding and penetrating by means of a phallus” (Bowers, 1963, p. 63) Women would experience this as a full on rape fantasy and men as a sodomistic attack. Bowers noted a case where a woman could not receive communion because she imagined the wine as menstrual flow and the wafer as semen. In another case, a seminarian became extremely troubled in the spontaneous awareness that in the depths of devotion, erotic fantasies of the crucified Christ broke through into consciousness. The seminarian felt completely damned and worthless and spent several years in frenetic promiscuity before finding the way into competent therapy. Other clergy described thoughts of sexual aggression associated with communion and many clergy are troubled by their “carnal thoughts” while serving communion. Some occasionally feel troubled by having an erection at the moment of greatest religious intensity during communion.

We cannot worship with a part of ourselves and be whole people. When we can accept our sexuality as a part of the wonder, and strength and goodness of our

31 humanity, then we can bring this rightful share of our offering of ourselves to God and our receiving back of ourselves blessed from God. (Bowers, 1963, p. 68) Bowers’s observation, combined with those of Jay,13 might lead one to conjecture that communion is a healing ritual for those able to bring their whole selves (including their sexuality), but riddled with pathology for those who split off their sexuality.

Life against death—Brown.

Brown (1985) used the Christian image of the resurrection of the body to discuss the human need to abolish repression. It would appear that one must accept death or abandon the body. The resurrected body solves a problem for Christians and for psychoanalysis as well if the body is transfigured in a way that abolishes repression, most notably particularly libidinous bodily organs. Brown affirmed a mystical view of Christianity, affirming life over death and called for a less warlike approach, a little less arrogance in psychoanalysis—”A little more Eros and a little less strife” (p. 310). Brown concluded that the resurrection of the body is a social project facing humankind as a whole. The political project is to deliver happiness instead of power. Perhaps, in the Christian ritual of communion, this is precisely what happens—the ritual delivers happiness rather than power—when people experience communion as healing.

13

Jay (1992) offered a compelling study of the relationship between gender and sacrifice. Although beyond the scope of this study, it might offer insight in a study on communion and pathology.

32 “Qui Tollis Peccata Mundi”—Kristeva.

Kristeva (1982) examined the ritual of communion psychoanalytically. In Chapter 5, Qui Tollis Peccata Mundi (Who Takes Away the Sins of the World), Kristeva noted ties to purity and gender and a Christic victory over them. Kristeva used a number of Bible passages to draw conclusions about Jesus and communion using the notion of abjection. According to Kristeva, Jesus replaced the pure/impure dichotomy with an outside/inside one. Jesus flaunted dietary laws, ate with sinners, and healed lepers. Jesus said that it is not what one puts into one’s body, but the words that come out of one’s body that defiles one (Matt 15:11/Mark 7:11)14 In each case, Jesus offered a reproach against the Pharisees for “honoring God too much and their mothers and fathers too little” (Kristeva, 1982, p. 115). Jesus’ invitation was to mend the filial relationship in order to make oneself clean, supported with the notion of the story of the Syrophoenician woman (Matt 15; Mark 7) who challenged Jesus when he put off her request to have a demon cast out of her daughter.15 It is only after the woman answered, “Yes, Lord: yet the dogs under the table eat of the children’s crumbs,” that Jesus cast out the demon.

14

The King James Version is quoted here in keeping with the translation used by Kristeva in Qui Tollis Peccata Mundi. (Matt 15:11, KJV): Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.

15

Mark 7:24–30 (KJV) And from thence he arose, and went into the borders of Tyre and Sidon, and entered into a house, and would have no man know it: but he could not be hid. For a certain woman, whose young daughter had an unclean spirit, heard of him, and came and fell at his feet: The woman was a Greek, a Syrophoenician by nation; and she besought him that he would cast forth the devil out of her daughter.

But Jesus said unto her, Let the children first be filled: for it is not meet to take the children’s bread, and to cast it unto the dogs. And she answered and said unto him, Yes, Lord: yet the dogs under the table eat of the children’s crumbs. And he said unto her, For this saying go thy way; the devil is gone out of thy daughter. And when she was come to her house, she found the devil gone out, and her daughter laid upon the bed.

33 It is as if the mother had to agree to “fill” her child , give her a privileged food, distinct from the crumbs for dogs, before the devil would go away and the woman open her hear to the words of Christ. … The nutritive opening to the other, the full acceptance of the archaic and gratifying relationship to the mother … is the condition for another opening—the opening up to symbolic relations, the true outcome of the Christic journey. (Kristeva, 1982, p. 115) The following healing miracle in the Gospel of Mark is the healing of a deaf-mute.

Kristeva noted that Jesus put his fingers in the deaf-mute’s ears, spit, and touched his tongue. As in analytic process, the reader of the New Testament is, by elaborating on the archaic relation to his parents (particularly the oral relationship to his/her mother), to introject the drive quality attached to archaic objects to find some protection (Kristeva, 1982).

Ross & Ross: Winnicott provides a necessary extension to classical theory.

Ross and Ross (1983) contended that one can comprehend the positive elements of ritual in psychoanalytic interpretation if interpretation includes the pre-Oedipal period when the mother and not the father is generally, at least traditionally, the critical figure in the child’s life. Adding this pre-Oedipal period to the analysis aids in understanding ritual.

Combining Winnicott’s understanding of relationship formation in this early period with Freud’s classical (Oedipal) theory, the authors explained more fully the function of ritual.

The more playful and creative aspects of ritual arise from this early infant–mother relationship. A Freudian interpretation falls short by linking ritual behavior to neurotic behavior. Ross and Ross pointed out that Freud viewed ritual as a product of unsolved

34 Oedipal conflict. “Freud’s Oedipal interpretation relies on a hermeneutic of suspicion, emphasizing the negative, regressive roots of symbol rather that the positive progressive implications,” (1983, p. 29). Ross and Ross noted that Turner and Huizinga demonstrated ceremonial observances are not only repetitive and anxious, but also playful and creative.

Freud’s interpretation fails to explain the themes of unification, nourishment, and renewal associated with the Eucharistic Host.

Ross and Ross (1983) noted that one of Winnicott’s distinctive contributions to object-relations theory was the treatment of play. Winnicott tied play closely to transitional objects such as blankets and toys and transitional phenomena such as babbling or humming. According to Winnicott, as the mother becomes less reliable and consistently present to the child, the transitional object or phenomenon serves as a symbolic substitute for the mother. Unlike mother, the transitional object or phenomenon can be manipulated and controlled, easing the abruption and pain of separation (as cited in Ross & Ross, 1983). Transitional objects and phenomena are [A]lways “between”—between infant and mother, subject and object, presence and absence, reality and fantasy.” They occur in what Winnicott called potential space where the infant’s internalized image of her mother and its externalized representation meet, where fantasies and the outside world merge, with imagination shaping fact and ideal influencing real … absence becomes presence and what is given is also made. (Ross & Ross, 1983, p. 33) Cultural experience begins in play in this potential space. An infant uses a transitional object or action as a symbol to bridge the gap between mother and self. It is the first “not-me possession,” the first use of a symbol and also the experience of play.

35 Ross and Ross (1983) quoted Winnicott: “The use of an object symbolizes the union of two now separate things, baby and mother, at the point of the initiation of the state of separateness” (emphasis in original; Winnicott, 1967, as cited in Ross & Ross, 1983, p. 33). Winnicott observed that the infant not only learns to create symbols in the potential space, but learns to appropriate common cultural symbols; this is the genesis of, among others things, religious belief and the capacity to use symbols. What began as overcoming separation from the maternal through the use of a transitional object is transformed over time into what Turner (1969) termed communitas, the overcoming of separation between ritual participants though symbols of such states as nakedness and death.

Rituals in other words, present an ideal order in the real world in the same way that transitional phenomena present an ideal state of presence in the real world of absence. Ritual like potential space is always “between,” between inner and outer, subject and object, ideal and real. In ritual and in the play of the child these distinctions are not hard and fast but are dissolved in the realm of imagination.

This is what Huizinga means when he says, “In play the distinction between belief and make-belief breaks down.” Furthermore, ritual is continuous within the potential space in its capacity to generate symbols, art objects and religious ideals that contribute to the cultural pool as its fostering of the spirit of playful freedom in which experimentation is possible (Ross & Ross, 1983, p. 34).

Ross and Ross (1983) reviewed Freud’s observations about the parallels between the totemic ritual and the Mass. They noted ambivalence in the glorification of God the Father and the passion story of God the son, who is ignobly murdered. This dichotomy

36 expresses the conflict between loving the father and desiring his protection and wanting to rebel against him, which brings anxiety and guilt in its wake. The authors concluded that the Mass is an attempt to make present what is absent. This is obvious in the bread/body, which is somewhere between real and imagined, “invoking God’s presence when it is not immediately evident, and thus fulfilling the human desire to reunite with the source” (Ross & Ross, 1983, p. 38).

Psychoanalytic Study of the Eucharist—The Researcher’s Work Source Instinct is my term for a fundamental dynamic observed in human relationships. It ties to desire, death instinct, and maternal transference. Source instinct also relates to narcissism and the refusal to “acknowledge the capacity for malevolent behavior.” I borrowed from Symington (1993) the notion that if people disown a part of themselves, they become victim to that part in others. What one is likely to disown is that which is shameful. Disowning does not make shame go away. To the contrary, owning is what makes it disappear. Symington describes the dynamic whereby an extremely jealous person will find another to carry that extreme jealousy16 but will continue to suffer the effects of the jealousy. The ritual of communion accounts for this paradox in the form of a ritual confession. Healing requires not only awareness of the capacity for malevolent behavior, but awareness of actual malevolent behavior and its confession. Analysands

16

Fundamentally, jealousy is a fear of loss.

37 experience confession on the couch. Eucharist participants experience confession as they confess their sins before they approach the Table.17 Sin and confession.

Most communicants probably understand sin as what they have done that violates their understanding of God’s law or about which they feel guilty. A number of theologies define sin in variously ways.18 Theologian Tillich, for example, used the notion of being separated from God, rather than a specific action as the definition of sin (as cited in Pargament, 1997). Whether an action or a state, confessed sin is part of healing. It is the theological expression of what Symington (1993) noted psychoanalytically; healing comes when the disowned part of self is reclaimed. Symington named this a Kleinian notion but criticized Klein for finding ego and objected-relatedness from birth, especially in its rootedness in death instinct and Klein’s attendant loyalty to Freud (Symington, 1993). My view is between these two.

The 1983 Code of Canon Law. “A person who is conscious of a grave sin is not to . . . receive the body of the Lord without prior sacramental confession unless a grave reason is present and there is no opportunity of confessing; in this case the person is to be mindful of the obligation to make an act of perfect contrition, including the intention of confessing as soon as possible” (CIC 916; Coriden, Green, & Heintschel, 1985).

17

“Sin is our act of turning away from participation in the divine Ground from which we come and to which we go. Sin is the turning towards ourselves, and making ourselves the center of our world and of ourselves, Sin is the drive in everyone, even those who exercise the most self-restraint, to draw as much as possible of the world into oneself. But we can be fully aware of this only if we have found a certain level of life above ourselves. Whoever has found himself after he has lost himself knows how deep his loss of self was. If we look at our estrangement from the point of reunion, we are no longer in danger of brooding over our estrangement. We can speak of Sin, because its power over us is broken.”

18

The word sin derives from Old English synn, recorded in use as early as the 9th century. The same root appears in several other Germanic languages, e.g., Old Norse synd, or German Sünde. There is presumably a Germanic root sun (d)jō (literally “it is true”). In biblical Hebrew, the generic word for sin is het. It means to err, to miss the mark. It does not mean to do evil. The Greek word hamartia (ἁμαρτία) is usually translated as sin in the New Testament. In Classical Greek, it means “to miss the mark” or “to miss the target” which was also used in Old English archery. In Koine Greek, which was spoken in the time of the New Testament, however, this translation is not adequate.

38 Rather than a death instinct per se, the fundamental instinct I hypothesize here is to return to one’s source. Death is a means of accomplishing this return, assuming one can adopt a belief system that includes returning to Source God/father or mother/womb.

The unknowingness of death adds to the component of the death anxiety expressed above. A “return to the source instinct” also strengthens the case for incestual desire in Oedipal conflict. The desire is not so much for sexual gratification, but to return to the womb, the breast, the mother, and safety. It is the desire to be connected and to overcome the problem of being alone. Of course, one cannot return to the womb/mother and the father. The most expedient means to solve this ontological problem is to kill off the father (Oedipus) and return to the womb through sex. Alternatively, as with the story of the virgin birth, not having a human father who can be killed at all is another possibility.

A communicant can become the body of Christ through consuming him and thereby join this narrative. This could be described as an undoing of the primal act, and hence one’s existence. Both ideas are fantastical. The idea of “source instinct” is an extension of Kleinian theory, expanding the notion of death instinct (Freud, 1920, p. 76) and affirms the notion of object relatedness from, if not before, birth.

In Christianity, many references exist of returning to the Father and a most striking reference to returning to the womb19 (Bowie, 1991). If religion can be explained,

19

(John 3:1–17, NRSV) Now there was a Pharisee named Nicodemus, a leader of the Jews. 2 He came to Jesus by night and said to him, “Rabbi, we know that you are a teacher who has come from God; for no one can do these signs that you do apart from the presence of God.” 3 Jesus answered him, “Very truly, I tell you, no one can see the kingdom of God without being born from above.” 4 Nicodemus said to him, “How can anyone be born after having grown old? Can one enter a second time into the mother’s womb and be born?” 5 Jesus answered, “Very truly, I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God without being born of water and Spirit.” 6 What is born of the flesh is flesh, and what is born of the Spirit is spirit. 7 Do not be astonished that I said to you, ‘You must be born from above.’ 8 The wind blows where it chooses, and you hear the sound of it, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who

39 at least in part, as a defense against transience, then it explains the hypothesis and Freud’s lack of capacity to access his own religiosity. The reasons the ritual of communion retains its power in a postmodern age is then further supported.

King David’s 51st Psalm20 reflects a dualistic and even somewhat schizoid position; sinful from before birth but capable of being made pure. This notion of confessing badness and then claiming goodness in an act of taking God (father) and retelling the story of how he was killed, but then rose again, is reflected in communion liturgies.21 Freud’s position reflects this dual nature of human character. If humans had no sense of goodness, nor any desire for it, then they would have no unconscious need for punishment, nor the expression and evasion of guilt. Split images are found in the folklore and organizing belief systems of any society (McWilliams, 1994). Guilt can be split off to reduce anxiety. Guilt often remains unconscious, but may appear as dissatisfaction, malaise, illness, or forms of self-punishment (Carveth, 2001). Of course,

is born of the Spirit.” 9 Nicodemus said to him, “How can these things be?” 10 Jesus answered him, “Are you a teacher of Israel, and yet you do not understand these things? 11 “Very truly, I tell you, we speak of what we know and testify to what we have seen; yet you do not receive our testimony. 12 If I have told you about earthly things and you do not believe, how can you believe if I tell you about heavenly things? 13 No one has ascended into heaven except the one who descended from heaven, the Son of Man. 14 And just as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, so must the Son of Man be lifted up, 15 that whoever believes in him may have eternal life. 16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life. 17 “Indeed, God did not send the Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.”

20

This Psalm was David’s response, where Nathan came to him and held him accountable for stealing Uriah’s wife, Bathsheba and sending Uriah to the front lines to die in order to hide his sin. God was angry with David for displacing the rule of the Father with his own desire. For this, David was punished. This first child of this union died and David’s house was cursed for generations.

21

The elements are: Invitation (who is welcome to receive communion—this differs widely by religious community—it is something of who is part of our clan? Analysis); Confession (I have sinned; I have been bad); Proclamation (Christ died for us, while we were yet sinners; that proves God’s love for us); Assurance of Pardon (In the name of Jesus, you are forgiven); Peace (Offer others signs of reconciliation and love—usually a handshake); Offering (giving ourselves to God); The Great Thanksgiving (the telling of the last supper a Passover meal, often preceded by another story or stories of God’s great works, and the claiming of the Mystery of faith, “Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again”); Taking of the bread and cup (consuming the body and blood through eating bread and drinking wine).

40 the split will also create distortion. Whether or not guilt is conscious, the communion ritual offers a place for its relief in confession. People often administer communion to the sick and dying. The Eucharist ritualizes the binding of all that has been split though the action of confession.

Assurance of pardon, self-esteem, merger, and binding.

Religion and psychodynamic theory teach essentially the same lessons about selfesteem. In both, a capacity to invest libido in an external object marks self-esteem. Yet, to invest libido in an external object is necessarily risky business, for the external object can certainly be lost. Such anticipated loss must surely create great anxiety. Religion functions in part to bind this dual nature with the external object that cannot be lost: God. The word religion has as its Latin root, religare, which means to rebind or tie back. As Forster and Carveth (1999) pointed out, quoting Freud: Beginning with the premise that “every civilization must be built up on coercion and renunciation of instinct” if it is to fulfill the necessity of taming nature and acquiring wealth, he situates religion “among the forces which are successful in combating the hostility to culture among the cultural unit.” Freud argues that religious ideas “Are illusions, fulfilments of the oldest, strongest, and most urgent wishes of mankind. The secret of their strength lies in the strength of those wishes.” Not only do these illusions “compensate [men] for the sufferings and privations which a civilized life in common has imposed on them,” but The benevolent rule of a divine Providence allays our fear of the dangers of life; the establishment of a moral world-order ensures the fulfillment of the demands of

41 justice, which have so often remained unfulfilled in human civilization, and the prolongation of earthly existence in a future life provides the local and temporal framework in which these wish fulfilments shall take place. (Emphasis in original) (p. 189).22 Religion functions to bind the fear of death as well as aggressive impulses and our goodness (“Godness”) necessary to live safely in the world with self and others. The ritual of communion demonstrates how this binding functions in Christian tradition. After the corporate confession comes a corporate assurance of pardon. “In the name of Jesus Christ you are forgiven.” A “Passing of the Peace” often follows. Individuals make physical contact, usually with a handshake, and express signs of peace such as “The Peace of Christ be with you.” This is followed by on offertory, the offering of oneself back to God, (and also a collection of money). In some liturgies: “As a forgiven and reconciled people, let us offer ourselves and our gifts to God.” The death/source instinct emerges again here and in the following language from the Great Thanksgiving of the Eucharistic liturgy: Pour out your Holy Spirit on us gathered here and on these gifts of bread and wine. Make them be for us the body and blood of Christ that we may be for the world the body of Christ redeemed by his blood. By your Spirit, make us one with

22

Both theological and legal training lead me to a hermeneutic of suspicion with regard to Strachey’s translations of Freud’s work. Forster and Carveth’s (1999) work affirmed my suspicions. Freud’s nexus to Moses, lawgiver of his people, and tragic man demonstrates Freud’s own narcissism and struggle with selfesteem. Rizzuto (1998) examined Freud’s early object relations to show why he became an atheist and a collector, particularly of the antiquities illustrated in his Philippson Bible.

42 each other and one in ministry to all the world, until Christ comes in his final victory and we feast at his heavenly banquet.23 In this short liturgical paragraph, the antidote for the fear of death (eating Christ) and the investment of libido in an external object, God, and through God, others, is manifest. In my theory, the whole of the liturgy and action outlined here from confession and assurance through offering and passing of the peace serves to bind oneself and consolidate identity.

“Mourning and melancholia” and the “Body broken for you.”

Mourning, according to Freud (1917) is not pathological, but the normal response to loss, albeit a painful one because humans do not willingly abandon a libidinal position.

People mourn, piece by piece, until the memories and expectations to which the libido is bound become hypercathected and detached. In melancholia, all the features of mourning are present along with a loss of self-regard. In mourning, the loss is conscious; in melancholia, it is not. In mourning, the world becomes poor and empty, but in melancholia, it is the ego itself that feels empty. “It is a shadow of the object that falls upon the ego,” (Freud, 1917, pp. 244–248). A melancholic’s self-deprecating comments do not apply to the melancholic, but fit someone the melancholic loves, has loved, or should love. In the communion ritual, the words similar to the following precede receiving the elements: “The body of Christ broken for you,” and “The blood of Christ shed for you.” To a healthy self, or even a self in mourning, one might hear these words

23

This epiclesis is common to many worship traditions but is reproduced here from the United Methodist Book of Worship, 1982)

43 as profound acts of grace. The melancholic, whose ego is empty, may regress into narcissism (turning in one’s libido inward upon oneself; Freud, 1914). The outside world may seem too cruel or unsafe a place in which to invest one’s libido. In a parallel to physics, libido must go somewhere and what is empty must be filled.

Psychodynamic Theories of Aggression In a healing communion experience, functioning to bind and release aggression, it is important to understand the aggression. Freud and Freudian adherents to the classical position view aggression as a fundamental, irreducible human instinct. Under such views, humans are inevitably sadistic: “the darker passions are the fundamental and inescapable domain of the self” (Mitchell, 1998, p. 27). However, where the origin of aggression is thought to arise from deprivation, the analytic focus shifts to affective experiences, as in Kohut’s (1977) theory of empathic failures and the disintegration of a cohesive self. Yet, environmental deprivation theories do not account adequately for the influences of neurobiology and pharmacology on aggression, nor do they account for aggression in cases where no significant environmental factors can be found. Conversely, not everyone who grows up in environmental deprivation becomes physically aggressive. Aggression in most adults decreases as they age without regard to whether their environments improve. Drive theory, as the genesis of aggression, only partially removes these critiques. Yet drive theory is compelling in its accounting for the universality of aggressive tendencies and more readily accounts for the neurobiology of aggression.

Many modern theorists now attempt a third view between these poles. The late relational theorist Mitchell (1998), for example, theorized that aggression is a response to

44 others, biologically mediated and prewired, but in a relational context, encompassing the individual’s interpersonal experiences. This third view is closest to mine in that it most widely accounts for factors demonstrated to align with aggression and offers the broadest range of sources for understanding and healing. Scientists such as Kandel and Raine, who advocate for the reintegration of biological sciences into psychological theories such as psychoanalysis, seem to offer the best hope to understand and ameliorate the negative effects of aggression on individuals and society.

As with any broader multidiscipline, postpositivist theory depends on causal assumptions, like a pretzel, and cannot accurately explain and predict human phenomena because they are large and multivariate Here we follow the twists and turns of the pretzellike psychodynamic understanding of aggression.

Freud and classical theory on aggression.

Freud’s writing is not monolithic, and Freud’s understanding of aggression is no exception. In Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality (1962/1905D), Freud linked aggression to sexuality, which Freud described as a “desire to subjugate” (p. 23). Freud wrote, “The history of human civilization shows beyond any doubt that there is an intimate connection between cruelty and sexual instinct; but nothing has been done towards explaining the connection apart from laying emphasis on the aggressive factor within libido” (p. 25). Later, after developing a structural model, aggression came to represent something beyond a component of sexuality, but an innate drive tied to the pleasure principal and hence, the death instinct. Freud reasoned that the root of

45 aggression is the desire for pleasure (Freud,1920G) Freud’s early instinct theory rests on biology. Instinct relates to mastering stimuli: The aim of instinct is satisfaction, which can only be obtained by removing the state of stimulation at the source of the instinct. … By the source (Quelle) of instinct is meant the somatic process which occurs in an organ or part of the body and whose stimulus is represented in mental life by instinct. We do not know whether this process is invariably of a chemical nature or whether it corresponds to the release of other, e.g., mechanical forces. The essential feature in the vicissitudes undergone by instincts lies in the subjection of the instinctual impulses to the influence of the three great polarities that dominate mental life. Of these three polarities, we might describe that of activity-passivity as the biological; that of ego-external world as real; and finally that of pleasureunpleasure as the economic polarity (Freud, 1915, p. 140) Freud later elaborated on this notion with the idea that people strive to maintain a contentment that is ultimately unattainable (the Nirvana principle). The narcissistic need to maintain this state leads people to attack noxious intrusions, forming the nexus between aggression and pleasure. Rarely, according to Freud, did narcissistic needs appear in pure form. Although the death instinct (drive toward destructiveness) and the libido are separate drives, often they occur together. The aggression expressed in the death instinct is sometimes expressed sexually.

Freud should not be dismissed too quickly. Kohut (1977), in a last public appearance just days before he died in 1981, admonished people not to bypass Freud.

“Freud was a genius. … Freud has to be respected for what he gave us and for what we

46 can see about the shortcomings of what he did, from our vantage point (Kohut, 1977, p. 529). What has been seen as shortcomings over the last several decades, however, may yet prove Freud to be a more prophetic theorist on aggression than most might have imagined. Solms (2006) cited the work of prominent researchers including Damasio, Kandel, LeDoux, Libet, Panksepp, Ramachandran, Schacter, and Singer to demonstrate unequivocally that Freudian thought, including notions of aggression, not only endures, but has new life. Without much support, Raphling (1998) noted that Freud’s reasoning is not supported by psychoanalytic data.24 Object-relations theorist, Fairbairn (1952) also criticized Freud’s theory of aggression because it did not account for attachment to an exciting object. Kramer closed the unflattering biography of Freud with the following words that seemed to support the third view: What Freud believed of mankind applies to his own life. Men live at the mercy of their drives, shaped in childhood. What is hidden in people may not be admirable.

As for us, the sometime admirers, Freud’s wisdom applies here, too. Our leaders—embodiments of our ego-ideal—are our own constructions, arising from our needs, in the affairs of men, rationality is at a premium, and fantasies abound.

(2006, p. 211)

Objection-relations theories of aggression.

24

Kramer (2006) opened his biography of Freud with the question of whether Freud was a charlatan or a savant. Kramer described many dubious practices of Freud’s as well evidence that the outcomes of Freud’s techniques were actually much worse than what Freud demonstrated to the world.

47 Klein, like Freud, was essentially a drive theorist. Unlike classical theory, however Klein emphasized the importance of objects in development. Long before Freud’s Oedipal phase (around age three) Klein believed that relationships to objects have a profound effect on adult life.25 From birth, a paranoid-schizoid position began to develop. This stage is characterized by early aggression emerging in the form of jealousy of the breast. The fact that the breast disappears (abandons), and then reappears is part of this dynamic. This is a most primal fear. The rudiments of splitting are seen as indicating the infant cannot hold the ambivalence of good and bad.

During the next stage, associated with envy and called the depressive position, the object (mother) is split into part-objects. Kleinian thinking has come to be represented by the good and bad breast, noting this part-object splitting is dynamic. Aggression may be clearly seen here as in the attacking of the “bad breast.” In actuality, this attack is a projection of the child’s own feelings of badness, projected onto the breast and then, ideally, taken back in or introjected. This stage is already emerging between three and six months. Klein like Freud, postulated that aggression was a manifestation of the death instinct. (Klein,1975)) Aggression arose from within the infant from a fear of falling apart. While essentially maintaining Freud’s oral-anal-genital-preOedipal developmental scheme, she imposed upon it “positions” to express relationships with objects arising from earlier, more primitive understanding.

As Kernberg describes Kleinian aggression theory:

25

A. Freud did not agree, but what role politics might have played in this issue is open to question.

48 The depressive position permits the infant to internalize those aspects of the parents that imply demands and prohibitions; in other words, acceptance of frustration and renunciation as a price to pay for love and security, thus originating the early superego. Under conditions of severe traumatization and dominance of the aggressive sector of experience and of sadistic and persecutory parental demands, a pathological superego may be constituted with extremely sadistic features, including sadistic demands for perfection. Such a superego may turn a significant part of aggression against the self, leading to depreciation and impoverishment of the self that resonates with the impoverishment of the self experience in the face of subsequent separation and object loss� (Kernberg, 1998, pp. 195-196) Like Klein, Winnicott also looked upon aggression positively as a part of development, although not as a drive. He stated that no matter how deeply a mother loves her baby she still hates him at some level. The baby needs to internalize this hate and express it back in the form of aggression, in order to mature psychologically. When this does not happen in infancy, it will be seen in the clinical setting as hate expressed toward the loved object of the therapist and may also be expressed in other relationships.

Winnicott, therefore shifted psychoanalytic aggression theory away from a drive model (nature) toward an environmental (nurture) model (Winnicott, 1960).

Objection relations theorist Kernberg integrates more widely accepted developmental theories such as Piaget’s early developmental formulations and emerging neurobiology and neuropsychology. He maintains drive theory while acknowledging that abnormalities in neurotransmitters affect behavior, including aggression. Inborn

49 disposition to certain thresholds, intensities, (i.e. temperament) have a fundamental role in determining the quality of the aggressive affect. In particular, he notes that out of the primary affect of rage, evolve anger, irritation, hatred, envy, pleasure in hurting others and oneself. From object, relations theory, Kernberg adopts the assumption that affects are structured into internalized object relations and that peak affect states in the interaction between mother and baby create the building blocks of the psychic structures Freud named as ego, super-ego, and id. Thus, affects are integrated into the aggressive and libidinal drives as supraordinate motivational systems, the representational aspects of self and object become the psychic structures that contain specific affective dispositions as representatives and eventually aggression and libido (Kernberg, 1998). Rage is the primary affect of aggression. If it is excessively and chronically activated, it may become structured as hatred—permanently raging self-representation relating to a permanently enraging object. In such a case, the split of good and bad and its developmental reintegration, named by Klein as the depressive position, does not appropriately occur, leaving a severely pathologized superego. Such a superego often has extremely sadistic features including sadistic demands for perfection (which are often part of the battering dynamic of males who are aggressive toward their female intimate partners). Such superego may turn a significant part of aggression against the self in the face of separation and object loss.26

26

Notably, the most likely scenario in which individuals are referred to me for treatment is one in which someone tries to leave and the threat of leaving enrages the other. Palumbo’s discussion of mind sharing generally, and the distinctions between aloneness and loneliness specifically, are of interest in this regard.

The lack of self-cohesion and inability to experience intimacy is surely related to the tactics some men use in attempts to control their partners. Extreme jealousy and isolation of one’s partner are often dynamics related to this incapacity for intimacy, which in extreme situations may lead to acts of physical aggression, sometimes including sexual violence (Palombo, 2006).

50 Paul Pruyser, an object relations theorist, who wrote extensively on the psychology of religion, thought of malevolence as manifestation of the instinct of aggression (Pruyser, 1974). He thought that Coping with it, (binding it in my language) is a psychological coping process. It involves, “trimming our important human objects down to realistic size” (Pruyser, 1974, p. 174)The process involves coming to the realization that those objects are neither gods, nor demons, but mixtures of love and hate.

It follows, naturally then, that neither am I, neither all benevolence nor all malevolence. It seems an acceptance of ourselves and our objects, as nether all good nor all bad is the first step in binding aggression.

The second step is an understanding that love has potency greater than hate.

Pruyser quotes Freud’s formulation that Erotic drives not only fuse with the death instinct, but have the capacity of neutralizing it (p. 174 citing Freud, 1927). A third step in integrating the benevolent and malevolent or in my words, binding of aggression is individuation—”a slow process of self-scrutiny in which one discovers that much of what passed for love in one’s own passed actions was tainted with hate and that the “better self “ is still to be cultivated through proper remorse and more genuine forms of caring.”

(Pruyser 174.) Such a process fits well with communion as a repeated ritual. Indeed, it is seen in some of the subjects of this study, but most clearly as will be seen in Rachel and in Paul.

Pruyser also offers important observations about how belief affects super-ego function, which he describes as divisions of self. Beliefs are part of the super-ego’s sanctions when transgressions occur and acclamations when it is obeyed. Super-egos based on a “slave-driver” model will demand a prompt sanction for every misstep, but

51 never encouragement for doing well. Pruyser notes that the ego has no friend in this super-ego, only a bullying overseer. (Pruyser, 1974) The prodigal son’s father model leaves transgressions to yield their own consequences, without retribution, and with lavish forgiveness when there is a change of heart. The notion again appears here that love is more powerful than hate and love is greater than justice. Repentance in more effective for changing behavior than rubbing in of sin, (“guilt�). In the case of Benjamin, a conversion from the slave-driver to the prodigal father is seen in his communion experiences. A third way involves placation.

The ego uses rehabilitation before the super-ego to atone for transgressions and relive feelings of guilt. This sort of ego-super ego relationship can be seen to some extent both in the case of Mary. Pruyser also describes a division between belief and knowledge.

They are intrapsychically self-validating no matter how much at odds with reality. Such individuals function with infantile omniscience and omnipotence. Beliefs were enhanced with magical acts to increase their trustworthiness.

This cross-discipline literature review focused on ritual theory, psychology of religion and aggression primarily within a psychoanalytic framework. The choices as material to include and exclude were extraordinarily difficult. The field of related literature is extremely broad, but that precisely on point was scant. My hope is that it is the review is adequate for the theory-building purpose of this study. I recognize that the choices here are in part, just that, my scholarship. I acknowledge that limitations and omissions necessary to give this study adequate focus. We will return to deepen the literature and after describing the method and analyzing the data.

52

Chapter III

Methods Introduction This study used an interpretive phenomenological analysis (IPA) method as outlined by Smith, Flowers and Larkin(2009). I borrowed Tolleson’s study (Tolleson, 1996) in structure and style, but assumed the steps-by step approach adopted described in IPA to analyze the data I collected. IPA engages the researcher in a ‘double hermeneutic’ endeavor to “make sense of the participant trying to make sense of what is happening to them” (Smith, Flower & Larkin, 2009, p. 3). This study began with a simple research question, “How do individuals who experience the ritual of the Eucharist as healing, describe, understand, and make-meaning of their experiences?” It is a multiple case, cross-case, interpretive case study of a phenomena—experiences of healing associated with the Eucharist.

Rationale for IPA While IPA is a relatively new approach to qualitative inquiry, it contributes well to research emerging from several disciplines including psychology and the human, social and health sciences (Smith, Flowers and Larkin, 2009). IPA fosters an inductive

53 approach which places study participants in the role of expert, and where a priori hypothesis are regarded as restrictive, assumptive and thereby counter intuitive. In general, phenomenology strives to “give a direct description of our experience as it is, without taking account of its psychological origin and the causal explanations which the scientist, the historian or the sociologist may be able to provide” (Merleau-Ponty, 1996, p. vii).

IPA also utilizes a ‘cyclical approach’ which is based on the concept of the hermeneutic circle whereby one looks simultaneously to the whole to understand each moving part and to the parts in order to understand the whole (Smith, Flowers & Larkin, 2009).

The exploratory nature in this study, using a small sample and thick interviews, preferences depth over breadth(Tolleson, 1996). I began with Tolleson’s premise and collected data following her model. Yet, with fewer interviews of more participants, whose ages and circumstances are far more disparate from one another, this study was broader and not nearly as deep as a traditional Tolleson study. Nonetheless, it remained a multiple-case, cross-case, case study.

Yin suggests that for case studies, five components of research design are especially important: 1. a study’s question(s); 2. its propositions, if any; 3. its unit(s) of analysis; 4. the logic linking the data to the propositions; and 5. the criteria for interpreting the findings, (Yin, 2008).

54 Yet, the components cannot be too firm. The researcher must remain flexible and tolerant of blurring within methodological genre. (McLeod, 2001). this study adopts the concept of researcher-as-bricoleur, as developed by Denzin and Lincoln and described

by Mcleod, (2001, pp.119-121). The layers of IPA analysis were imposed onto the original three-interview process while adding structure, maintain a certain improvisational quality. As McLeod notes, the concept of researcher-as-bricoleur, is subversive, calling into question rigorous, qualitative methods such as grounded theory and empirical phenomenology. The concept is premised on the tenet that knowledge is not produced by method, “There is no methodological ‘sausage machine’ that allows the research to crank the handle and produce ‘findings.’ The bricoleur is not a machine operator…but someone whose work is informed by broad philosophical and interdisciplinary perspective” (McLeod, 2001, p. 127). In qualitative research, the researcher always provides the lens through which data is viewed. Because this study was conducted by a researcher trained in law and theology as well as psychoanalytic theory, this training will necessarily affect the analysis of the data. For example, the nexus between a sense of justice and healing, analyses of power, and a respect for spirituality and familiarity with biblical narratives played prominent roles in the collection and interpretation of data at every level.

Here, the question is an appropriate how question (Yin, 2008): “How do individuals who experience the ritual of the Eucharist as healing, understand and describe and make-meaning of their experiences?” In this instance, I had no propositions used to conjecture as to cause, beyond the general theories of ritual, psychoanalysis and pastoral care. The purpose of this study was to understand how participants make meaning of a

55 particular experience; healing associated with participating in the Christian ritual of the Eucharist and to describe the meaning-making process in psychoanalytic terms. The units of analysis of this study were individuals. Specifically the units in this study were individuals who have had a positive, transformative communion experience.

Research Sample Selection began with a widely circulated notice to clergy both within and outside the researcher’s denomination as well as universities, Listservs and social media sites to which the researcher has access. interested potential participants were asked to contact the researcher. The study did not include participants from legally vulnerable populations such as inmates, children or pregnant women. I made no claims respecting gender, race, sexual orientation, or theological orientation within Christianity. neither diversity, nor homogeneity of the sample were particularly sought. The single requirement within the population (beyond legal non-vulnerability) is that the participant self-identify as having a communion experience (or experiences) that were subjectively experienced as curative. individuals with whom I had a professional relationship, such as therapy clients and parishioners, were excluded from this study. I knew of, but did not have more than an acquaintance relationship with two of the participants in the study.

Participants were required to meet two criteria for inclusion in the study. First, each must have had at least one Eucharist experience that was curative or healing according to their own subjective viewpoint. Second, each participant had to be able to

56 legally and functionally consent to participating in the study. a $25 gift card was offered to each participant upon completion of their final interview. reimbursement for mileage was also paid to one participant who drove in excess of 100 miles for an interview.

Research Plan The following details the steps I followed to carry out this research (detailed discussion of steps follows): 1. Before I began collecting data, I performed a literature review where I examined psychoanalytic literature related to religion and ritual.

2. I acquired Institute Review Board (IRB) approval following the Institute for Clinical Social Work (ICSW) protocols to ensure human subject protection around potential risks, issues of confidentiality, informed consent, and ethical practices. I made one change to the study design as requested by the IRB. the proposal was then approved. As per Bloomberg and Volpe (2012, p. 120), a general statement of purpose, significance of the study for clinical social work, statement of the problem and specific objectives to be achieved, research questions, theoretical and operational definitions, statement of assumptions, and epistemological foundations as outlined in Chapter 1; the literature review included in Chapter 2; and the intended methodology, inclusive of appendixes containing participant forms and research instruments, as delineated in Chapter 3.

57 3. Next, I began recruiting candidates using purposive, or criterion sampling (Bloomberg & Volpe, 2012; Creswell, 2013), whereby professional contacts and colleagues were contacted by means of email, telephone, or face-to-face interaction and informed of the study and participant criteria.

4. the first interviews were conducted in person. They were unstructured interviews wherein I collected general data about the participants and their early life, including early faith experiences were collected.

5. a second interview was conducted focusing specifically on communion experiences that the participant’s described as healing.

6. interview data responses from the first interviews and second interviews were analyzed and a case study for each participant was drafted.

7. member checking was done through a third interview wherein the case study was shared and responses to it were collected.

Data Collection I interviewed each of the seven participants three times. All interviews were conducted in private settings. In two instances these sessions were interrupted. In one instance, at a church, a pastor interrupted to check in and see if we needed anything. In another, there was a scheduling conflict with a room and the researcher and participant needed to briefly suspend the interview to find other space.

58 All interviews were audio-recorded on a digital voice recorder. In addition, I made field notes of all other data of which I was aware as part of the interview process, including psychical data such as my own responses (countertransference). I had all data transcribed; then analyzed the data, after which I destroyed the voice recordings. Only the transcription service and I had access to the digital recordings. Copies of the consent forms are in a locked cabinet to which only I have access, along with transcripts and field notes. These will be retained until five years after acceptance of the dissertation, after which I will destroy all data. My research chair also reviewed the transcripts.

I conducted interviews in mutually convenient locations in private spaces that included offices in churches, library consultation rooms, and in two instances, hospital chaplain offices. I may have obtained incidental data in the exchanges related to arranging interviews. I read the consent form, line by line with each potential participant.

I then asked each potential participant to explain their understanding of each provision of the consent form, including the purpose of the study and its risks and benefits to me. I reviewed consent twice: first, over the telephone as part of a discussion of participating in the study before the first interview. I then reviewed the consent form line by line a second time at the beginning of the first interview. All participants consented to participation in the study and reaffirmed consent at each subsequent interview.

No known or anticipated risks aligned with participating in this study beyond those associated with discussing important personal experiences. Participants could quit the study at any time and would have been offered care to remediate symptoms caused by participation, had there been such a need. No participant expressed such a need. Instead,

59 each participant expressed gratitude for having the opportunity to talk about their experiences. No one withdrew from the study.

Once I obtained consent, I interviewed each participant in depth. Beyond general demographic data, I obtained their personal narrative, including significant life events as well as theirs spiritual and religious upbringing and significant spiritual and religious experiences. The first interview was a foundational interview, focusing on the personal history of each participant, including their religious and spiritual history. The second interview was a reflective interview about communion experiences. I asked each participant to describe a relationship to the ritual of Holy Communion. We explored in detail frequency, meaning, and particularly memorable experiences. In the second interview, I asked each participant to recount the details of a communion experience that was curative (a positive, transformational experience) according to their own subjective criteria.

After completing the second interview, I analyzed data from each interview and coded by themes, then checked against field notes for confirmation or divergence. The initial design was to interpret data at the same level (first, second, third) as part of a cross-case analysis. I privileged particular stories of communion analyzing the structure and words participants used to narrate their experiences and attempted to locate patterns or themes in the curative experience within and across respondents in each phase of the study. I looked for patterns of expression and common experiences and themes. I then allowed the voices of theorists whose work seemed to speak to these cases and offer insight. For example, Freud, Bollas, Winnicott, and Pruyser provided ways of understanding the healing participants described. I presented the case studies to the

60 participants with fuller narratives than is common in traditional psychoanalytical studies, consistent with social work and pastoral studies conventions. The interviews with a single participant, particularly the first and second interviews, were less discrete than anticipated and often felt like a single interview (over two, and in one case three time frames).

I shared the preliminary case study with each participant during the final interview. Participants’ responses to the case study yielded more data to be considered in developing the findings and drawing conclusions. I reviewed additional literature and developed additional hypotheses based on my findings. I reserved the right to follow-up for clarification by telephone or e-mail between interviews, and if necessary, extend an interview over more than one session. I shared these preliminary case studies with the dissertation committee. Upon review, I eliminated the participant called Peter from the study because he did not express personal experiences of being healed and hence did not meet criteria.

Plan for Data Analysis I analyzed the data using IPA for each of the remaining six participants (Smith et al., 2009). I read and reread each transcript and listened to the audio recordings. This is Step 1 in IPA. The second step is initial noting. For this step, I combined all three interview transcripts for each participant into a single document with line numbers, forming the reference transcripts. I formatted a second document created for each participant as a three-column table with the transcript occupying the middle column. In

61 the right column, I added exploratory comments for each participant. I called this the notation transcript. IPA suggests three types of exploratory comments: descriptive, linguistic, and conceptual. Descriptive comments are likely the least analytical as they describe content. Noting these comments at face value may lead to deeper meaning as researchers come to understand these comments in the context of participants’ inner world. I then made descriptive notations in Roman text. I made linguistic comments in italics and focused on the way participants presented material. This included shifts in pronoun use, laughter, pauses, stuttering, repetition, use of metaphors, and sudden shifts in subject. “Linguistic comments often mark bridges between descriptive and conceptual comments” (Smith et al., 2009, p. 88).

I made conceptual comments in boldface print. Although they sometimes led nowhere, or at least not to a matter relevant to this study, often these notes were keys to emergent themes, the next step of analysis. These comments were the most subjective of the exploratory comments. Smith et al. (2009) suggest that conceptual comments are a kind of Gadamerian dialogue. In other words, the researcher actively engages a dialogue with the data in its context. “Interpretation is a dialogue between the past and the present” (Smith et al., 2009, p. 27). The moment in which the interpretation is made strongly influences interpretation. This is an important reason the analysis did not end there, and the researcher endeavors to attend to context, pointing the research back to the hermeneutic circle.

The analysis is not designed to be prescriptive or exhaustive (Smith et al., 2009). I added a fourth type of comment that was not part of the process described in IPA. These notations could be descriptive, linguistic, or conceptual, but clearly pertained to me as the

62 researcher. These comments are countertransferential, such as when I changed the subject or became aware of emotions or otherwise affected the interview in an unintended way.

The third step for IPA is to develop emergent themes. I performed this step for each participant before moving to the next transcript. In this step, I shifted the task from one of expanding data to reducing the volume of detail while deepening its complexity.

Emergent themes populated the left column of the notation transcript. The main task in Step 3 is to produce a concise and pithy statement of what is important in the comments.

Themes generally point to the psychological essence of that portion of the transcript, which contains enough particularity to be grounded and enough abstraction to be contextual (Smith et al., 2009). An example of Steps 2 and 3 of this method appear in Table 1. Table 1 presents a short description from Rachel’s first interview. Rachel is describing her home life as she grew up on a farm in a very religious home and community. The transcript contains clear descriptions, noted in normal text in the exploratory comments column, as well as linguistic devices noted in italics, and conceptual comments noted in boldface print. The apparent clarifying researcher comment is interpreted here as changing the subject, moving away from a description of a painful childhood. Here I noted the comment in brackets, but also boldfaced because of the interpretive quality. I notated each of the six cases using this method.

63 Table 1 Sample of Exploratory Comments (Step 3) Emergent themes

Original transcript

Exploratory Comments

Religiously

Rachel: I don’t know. I didn’t check out the Pharisees.

Wrapped in Kings

regimented life-no

But it was also a life and everything was wrapped in

James- metaphor

freedom of action.

the King James Version and we went to church every

Life tightly controlled

Inflexible,

Sunday morning and every Sunday night Living on a

by biblical rules

unambiguous

farm was very busy especially in the summer, But we

sense of God—no

never did work on Sunday. That was our Sabbath. We

freedom of thought

didn’t call it a Sabbath. It was just Sunday and we

Went to church. Lot of church but Shows values of family.

went to church, then milked the cows. We did simple As farmers, time was things on Sunday. You know, afternoon was really rest very precious. time and then you gear it all up to get everything done so you could go to church again at night. And really, what I learned there was that there are some things that are right and some things that are wrong and God is very clear about what those things are.

Geared up— mechanized Never worked on Sunday- Sabbath Very black and white

Researcher: So you grew up on a farm then?

God—no ambiguity.

[Changed subject.]

Deconstruction was used as part of the notation process, involving decontextualizing words to focus on individual words by partitioning the narrative, and reading it backwards a sentence at a time. This process deepened the analysis. For example, here Rachel focused on the word Pharisee, a reference to order-keepers in the Bible. Awareness of the Pharisees and her repugnance toward such regimentation appeared in her admission that she did not check them out. The process of deconstruction

64 was not visible in the notations in Table 1 but its use is apparent in the emergent themes related to religious oppression, shown in the left column. Rachel’s repugnance toward this religiosity is also shown in the comment about not calling Sunday the Sabbath (which literally in Hebrew means to “cease’). In deconstruction, this seems to point to a comment about false piety.

After I completed all notation transcripts for all six cases, I analyzed emergent themes for each participant, as Step 4. This step included abstraction, or identifying patterns between themes, putting similar and repeating themes together, and creating superordinate themes. I grouped related themes. Where an identified theme seemed to acquire superordinate status, the analytic process is called subsumption. For example, in this study, themes of feeling excluded emerged in all six cases. Some exclusions related to personal attributes such as buck teeth, having polio, gender; or situations such as deceased, divorcing, or alcoholic parents; or perceptions such as feeling stupid. Not surprisingly, participants often noted a sense of healing and wholeness in communion experiences in contrast to exclusion or polarization in the themes.

I also noted themes for context, repetition, numeration (how often a theme repeated), and function. I numbered each identified theme, then transferred the numbered themes to Post-It Notes®. I spread out the numbered Post-It Notes on a large surface.

Numbers allowed me to retain chronology and context of the narratives while reordering the themes into related groups. I used different colored Post-It Notes for each participant’s themes so the Post-It Notes could be reused in Step 6, which is cross-case analysis, without having to add names to each note. As an example, Table 2 illustrates the superordinate themes and themes for one participant, “Paul.” Step 5 of the IPA is to

65 repeat the process with each case, attempting to bracket the ideas of previous cases to the extent possible, when working with other cases. Although cross-case analysis is important, maintaining the value of idiographic data is also important to an IPA endeavor, so minimizing influence between cases was essential (Smith et al., 2009). In my research, I did not work on more than one case during a single session. Where possible, I separated the work on each case by at least a day. I used this process to minimize an influence of one case on the subsequent case or cases.

In Step 6, the IPA goal somewhat reverses the mental bracketing of Step 5. In this step, I developed a master table of themes using the re-sorting of Post-It Notes by theme as well as taking the numbered theme table and creating lists in a OneNote Book, an electronic notebook that is part of Microsoft Office Suite. This suite of software is made available by the Institute for Clinical Social Work for students. It functioned as an electronic version of a large work surface. I posted related themes in sections of the OneNote Book with related superordinate themes, color coding the heading for each participant to match the Post-It Note colors for easy identification. Using Post-It Notes and OneNote simultaneously allowed for easily repositioning ideas in various related categories while easily creating records of the relationships noted.

In Step 7, I set superordinate themes a table with all of the participants. The table showed whether a theme recurred across one more of the participants. This process of determining prevalence still permitted considerable variation. In fact, the process involved continually examining the relationship between convergence and divergence, commonality and individuality of the themes.

66 Table 2 Superordinate Themes Superordinate theme Positive Changes (healing) associated with communion Stopped blaming others

Page

Key words

675, 830

Blamed them for everything,

677

(polarization) old self, Didn’t look at

831

self, Tried to blame everyone-not myself

Courage to pray out loud

732

Would have pictured myself

Allows self to express emotions

769

Any emotion

1510

Holding back, hinging

beyond anger No longer needs to prove piety by claiming belief in

Helped relationship

transubstantiation In relationship with God

654, 800, 807,1078, 1144,

Disappoint him, love him, stronger now,

1487, 1491, 1511, 1521,

why it is so meaningful,

1541, 1575, 1583

Denied communion, more personal, told

772

in prayer, Cries taking communion

Capacity to adapt

578, 642

Make fun, now I pray

Able to recall negative aspects

675

Stood back, bitter,

266

Started seeing

of self and forgive self Incremental healing

Things just started working

67 Ethical Considerations All participants in this research were volunteers. All participants received, and completed an informed-consent document (see Appendix A) prior to participation in the study. The form, aligned with the Institute of Clinician Social Work’s IRB protocols, includes a detailed description of the research, including the following: 1. Explanation of the study including type of topics to be discussed 2. Inclusion and exclusion criteria 3. Duration of participation 4. Description of procedures 5. Description of foreseeable risks (minimal) and benefits (no compensation) 6.

Limitations of confidentiality (i.e., my research team and professional transcriptionist would see the raw, unedited data), and a description of how confidentiality of records would be maintained

7. My direct contact information in the event of a research-related injury 8. A statement confirming that participation was voluntary, and could be withdrawn at any point in the research process without penalty or loss of benefits 9. Any anticipated circumstances whereby participation could be terminated 10. A statement that findings developed through the research would be provided to the participant upon research completion Informed consent was approved by the Institute of Clinical Social Work’s Internal Review Board, aligned with standard protocols, prior to the commencement of research.

68 In accordance with IRB guidelines and the National Association of Social Workers’ Code of Ethics publication (1996), anonymity and confidentiality of all participants and data obtained, including backup copies, were rigorously maintained in password-protected digital files and locked drawers located behind locked doors that are themselves protected by a digital security system. I informed all participants that the data will be maintained for period of 5 years in a secure location, after which all files will be destroyed.

Although the roles of researcher and therapist are quite different, the ability to deescalate and reregulate individuals who are suffering emotionally are ingrained in experienced clinicians and were used throughout the research process, including recruitment, data collection, member checking, and the sharing of significant findings. If participants had communicated significant emotional distress, they would have been eliminated from the study for the sake of personal welfare. Suitable therapeutic community resources would have been made available for sensitivities to be engaged.

This did not occur. Rather, participants found the study to be helpful. Whereas researchers manage disclosure in a variety of ways in qualitative research, IPA suggests it is best left “outside of the interview” so participants are not influenced by the shared experiences between themselves and the researcher (Smith et al., 2009). Instead, IPA recommends that disclosure take place either toward the end of the final interview, or as part of an “informal debriefing” at the end of the study. In this study, I identified myself to participants initially as both a clergywoman and social work doctoral student at the Institute for Clinical Social Work. Not to do so might have seemed deceptive and I determined that this was a greater risk than the potential risk of “shared experience.”

69 Limitations and Delimitations This method obviously limits the statistical validity of conclusions that can be drawn from findings. The purpose was to build theory. This study was an exploratory interpretive study, which privileges understanding the depth of individual experiences over the breadth of conclusions. Therefore, although I obtained and analyzed basic information in a relatively uniform fashion, the interviews focused on individual experiences of communion (thoughts, emotions, bodily sensations, associations, meaning, and spiritual understanding). These are necessarily subjective and limited by the capacities of researcher and participants for expression and interpretation. As noted above, a double level of interpretation exists, as I interpreted participants’ interpretations of their experiences.

Additionally, presenting and analyzing oral descriptions of lived experiences in writing is necessarily a “blind and deaf” encounter. Transcripts were edited according to institutional rules to rid them of distractions and make them “more readable.” Yet, what is reduced to a “distraction” in a transcript is data in the purest sense. The judgments I made improve readability is both a form of scholarship, in determining what is most important and deeply subjective. I bear responsibility for the inevitable distortions of such as exercise.

70

Chapter IV

Findings Introduction The purpose of this IPA was to explore with a sample of practicing Christians, their perceptions of what the Eucharist means to them and what it has done for them. I believed that a better understanding of the phenomenon of Holy Communion would allow clinical social workers to understand and help religious or spiritually oriented clients use their faith to support overall wellness. I explored the function of ritual as a part of the healing process in depth. Understanding the function that the ritual of the Eucharist may have in helping people live well may provide social workers with an important tool. Additionally, openness to the important religious experiences of clients may help social workers form deeper relationships with their clients. It is important to note that the findings showed that although some healing experiences came from receiving Holy Communion, others came from serving it. In each case, it was the subjective experience of healing participants experienced and not their role in the ritual that is the subject of this study.

This chapter presents the key findings obtained from 14 in-depth interviews and seven member-checks. Seven major findings emerged from this study:

71 1. The potency of healing communion experiences does not follow a strict pattern.

2. Participants described positive and negative childhood relationships with the church that appear foundational to healing in communion.

3. All participants identified experiences of belonging in communion after a history of isolation, exclusion, and loneliness.

4. Changes in attitudes and beliefs about the Eucharist made it more meaningful and helpful for all participants.

5. An overwhelming majority of participants acknowledged struggles in their relationship with God before experiencing healing in communion.

6. Participants often described healing in relationships with significant others as a result of their communion experiences.

7. All participants described positive changes in themselves and in their identity that they associated with their communion experiences.

Following is a discussion of the findings with details that support and explain each finding. By way of thick description (Denzin, 2001), I set out to document a crosssection of individual experiences, and thereby provide an opportunity for the reader to feel and study the lived experiences of the research participants. Following is a discussion that includes the member-checking data and data from my journal. The Eucharist in this study also includes confession. Confession (also known as Penance or Reconciliation) is considered a separate sacrament (religious ritual) in some Christian traditions, such as the Roman Church, but part of the communion liturgy in others. Where it is a separate

72 sacrament, it is a condition precedent to receiving communion. Often healing was identified in the confessional portion of communion experiences.

The Qualitative Sample I recruited seven participants for this study. The study initially included three men and four women. The youngest person was 36 and the oldest was 65; with an average age of 55. I ultimately excluded one male participant from the study, Peter, because he did not meet criteria; thus, his responses are not included in the analysis or total sample count. Although Peter described instances in which he felt that he was an instrument of God in healing others, he could not describe any instance in which he felt healed. This left four women and two men in the study. Thus, the final sample size for this study was six.

The sample descriptors for all six participants can be viewed in Table 3. I chose not to explicitly request demographic data, beyond characteristics about early religious life. Instead, I asked participants to begin by telling me about themselves. I did note data that participants volunteered and even extrapolated from it. For example, Ben noted that in 1955 he was 7. I determined he was probably born in 1948. All participants stated that they were born in the United States. All participants appeared to me to be White and of European descent. Rachel stated that her family was of Dutch origin and Ben said that his family was Polish. All participants mentioned their vocation and vocational status. All but one disclosed their highest level of education. With the exception of Mary, all

73 participants changed their religious affiliation at least once. Three participants changed denominations during this study.

Table 3 Descriptors of Participants Pseudonym Anna

Age at interview 36

Education DMin

Vocation clergy

Religious affiliation(s) Attended Protestant denominations in childhood. Currently Presbyterian (PCUSA)

Benjamin

65

PhD

clinical social

Reared Roman Catholic. Became an

worker

Episcopalian after his first divorce and joined United Church of Christ (UCC) during this study.

Mary

Paul

65

45

MS

Unknown

retired

Reared as and remains a member of

teacher

the United Methodist (UMC)

factory

Reared as a nonpracticing Lutheran.

Worker

Currently worships in an Alliance (CMA) church

Rachel

60

MS

hospital

Reared in Netherland Reformed

chaplain

Congregation. Became a United Methodist (UMC) during this study.

Ruth

60

BA

freelance

Reared in a Congregational Church,

editor

became a United Methodist (UMC)

Min—36 Max—65 Avg—55 Note. PCUSA = Presbyterian Church of the United States; UMC = United Methodist Church; CMA = Christian and Ministry Alliance.

74 Major Findings The final step of an IPA is writing the findings. However, one does not complete this process without referring back to and refining the steps that precede the final write up of the cases. I gleaned seven major themes from the initial themes, listed above. I discuss subcategories under each major theme.

Finding 1: The potency of healing communion experiences does not follow a strict pattern. One of the primary findings from this study is that participants experienced healing as a progressive process that does not unfold in a sudden or dramatic way. This was a fairly significant finding, as it debunks the assumption of a person having an instant transformation. Even progressive change does not occur on a constant trajectory, but in often uneven increments. This finding includes a higher order concept of incremental healing, with the following themes: gradual healing, sudden, and sustentation and frequency. I present each of these themes below with supporting evidence from the interviews. For ease of reading, all interview tables (raw data) referenced in this chapter are located in Appendix B.

Gradual healing.

Rachel described an intentional process in which she followed her pastor’s directive: “As you take the bread give God something that is painful to you and as you take the wine take in something that heals you.� She described a number of small, gradual healings and one more sudden healing, which is described later in this section.

75 And so for a period of years that become really part of my mindset as I took communion was Jesus died or this, hey what is it that you are willing to give and what is it that you are willing to receive into the void that his giving has left. And that was, I mean I gave up all kinds of things, you know I gave up fear. I gave up worry about certain things, not total fear, not total learning but you know it is the things, as a single mom, what is going to happen with my kid? And not making enough money to keep body and soul together how is this going to work? Giving up the fear and worry of that and giving you. ... The creative space to think about how that would work, and the sense of being forgiven and starting fresh knowing that gradually some of those old ways were being lifted and very slow fashion. …

And sometimes sort of fed by that communion process … over a period of year’s thing and because our church didn’t do communion every week it was probably 8 or 9 times a year … enough spaces in between there that as I looked back I could see progress and growth each time I gave something up. … It was taking in forgiveness or it was taking in strength or it was taking in hope. (Rachel)27 Paul also described the nature of healing communion experiences as having “peaks and valleys.” In his case, these “peak and valley” experiences followed a dramatic conversion experience.

Anna, as a clergyperson, described a sense of healing that occurred incrementally over more than a year, as she grieved the loss of a much-loved parishioner. Anna served this woman communion on her deathbed after Anna discovered, on a regular visit, that

27

Quotations have been modified for ease of reading, as required by the Style Manual. In the raw data tables the quotations have been left largely as transcribed, as the mode of expression is also data under IPA.

76 this person was actively dying. Anna grieved this death acutely when serving communion. She said: the healing came in doing it over and over again and finding comfort in those memories and it is so hard and it is still hard. And I found just this Sunday when I led communion … it wasn’t, it didn’t hurt as much. It started to heal. In a way, yeah, it still hurts because she is not here but I can look past that now and see the cycle of grief and move more towards acceptance. (Anna)

Sudden healing experiences.

In the midst of Rachel’s gradual exchange process of healing through surrender and acceptance, she also experienced a more abrupt and memorable healing experience.

Rachel had long carried the burden of trying to help her mentally ill father. During one communion, she was able to release this burden: I remember giving my dad to God and saying, “I can’t fix this,” and remembering the feeling that that is one of the best things I did, because even my dad didn’t need me to fix. My dad needed God to fix and I needed God to fix and that was really a powerful time. (Rachel) While Rachel’s powerful, sudden healing occurred in the midst of many gradual healing experiences, Paul’s healing trajectory began with a religious conversion experience: Boy, I just remember bawling my eyes out when I did it … and, and, and feeling, feeling such a, a weight lifted off my shoulders. … I remember asking God for forgiveness for the way I treated my parents, and, and that was huge for me.

77 Because for the longest time I just, I blamed them for everything. And I never really stood back and looked at myself, and, and said, “Well, you know, you were kind of crappy to your parents during that time too.” (Paul) In addition to Rachel and Paul, Mary also described a sudden healing experience associated with communion. Mary found comfort in communion since her teen years, but recalled a more sudden healing experience when she was able to forgive a former pastor who had stolen money from her church, accused her of “causing trouble,” and called her a “problem child”: Anyway I just feel like I could start to move forward. All of the sudden, I had gone up for a communion. I came back and I was praying and I just saw that it wasn’t okay, but it was okay I can move on. I could let go. ... It was very freeing. … I just realized I don’t have to judge [the pastor] and I knew that before, but I think I was in trying to make sense of everything. And I suddenly I realized during this one communion that I don’t have to do that. God will. He and God have their own relationship and God and he will work this out. And it made me sad for him because ... When I think about things that I’ve done wrong having to face God and then he is going to have to face God so … that communion service allowed me let go. (Mary) Ruth described two sudden healing experiences: one in which she was served by a child, and the other at a gathering of religious leaders studying conflict resolution. In the first experience, Ruth said: And I just kind of melted. ... Because her mother did not expect her to take communion at all, and not only was she taking communion she was serving me

78 communion. I had to really think about what that means. What is going on here?

And why is this happening? I spent a lot of time on it and, it transformed my understanding of church. As I had grown up in the church and I understood you go to church, you have community, and you get to know each other these are your friends but this was different. This was, “You grow together. “This was—you have a responsibility to one another. This little girl served me communion. I had to recognize what power she had given me, so that I don’t abuse it. (Ruth) Without credentials, or significant experience, Ruth was feeling inadequate at the conflict-resolution gathering. During the gathering, a very tall bishop served communion on his knees. Ruth said, That particular year I was wrestling with things and that communion, when we were coming up to partake and he got down on his knees to serve us and just took the wind out of me. It took all of the sense of not belonging was just crap, and the sense of not maybe being, not really belonging, not being good enough to be there, if you know what I mean that we do to ourselves sometimes. It was just totally welcome and I belonged absolutely and the notion with somebody with that kind of spiritual power one way to describe what he exudes, would be on his knees to serve was just a really transformative thing for me. (Ruth)

Sustentation and frequency.

Ben described his teen year communion experiences as neither gradual, nor sudden, but more akin to sustentation. He stated, “I started realizing that actually this is a pretty easy way to kind of clear my conscious.” His relationship with communion

79 changed over time and it became a more meaningful experience for him in adulthood. It nonetheless retained a sustaining quality. He recalled a prayer heard in church recently that described communion for him: “The first sentence where it says that ‘You call each of us to share this life giving bread which nourishes and refreshes.’ That might be a good description of how I feel about it.”

Two participants, Rachel and Mary, noted that daily communion increased the potency of the experience: Daily communion somehow gave us strengths and it gave us hope and it gave us healing and it gave us the way to relate to each other because we just start offering it to each other. (Rachel) We had it every day, and it was just like wow this is really powerful, this is really ... it makes sense. It just felt like it was the right thing to be doing. (Mary) In summary, the potency of healing communion experiences did not follow a strict pattern. Some were gradual; some more sudden. Repetition and frequency were also sometimes important to its healing power.

Finding 2: Participants described positive and negative childhood relationships with the church that appeared foundational to healing in communion.

Relationships with the church provided participants a place for community and healing and to this end it was a positive relationship. One participant had a positive relationship with the church that was formed in childhood and had remained essentially positive throughout life. In half of the cases, however, participants had painful childhood experiences that created negative relationships with the church. One case was specifically

80 related to communion. Some participants described memorable positive and negative experiences related to the church. Family situations led to experiences of abandonment, if not rejection by the church for half the participants. In only one case did no significant childhood relationship with the church emerge. However, that participant had a very positive relationship with a religious grandmother. Higher order concepts of childhood church experiences included positive, negative, mixed, and no experience. I present each of these themes below with supporting evidence from the interviews.

Primarily positive childhood relationship with church.

Of the participants in this study, Mary alone has had a mostly positive relationship with the church over the course of her life. She described her relationship with the church this way: I had always felt this pull but I didn’t quite understand it. You know why I just wanted to be there. And didn’t really understand that pulling and why. Why I felt like I wanted … needed to be there. (Mary) In adult life, after she moved from her home town, she said church became her family.

Primarily negative childhood church relationship.

Ben and Rachel described primarily negative relationships with the church in childhood. In Ben’s case, the negative relationship centered primarily on communion.

Ben was reared as a Roman Catholic. The preparation for his First Communion was a very difficult experience for Ben. It was to occur when he was about 8, but involved the entire second-grade school year for preparation:

81 In preparation for this first Holy Communion, which was a lot of work and my memories were that it was hard and it wasn’t particularly pleasant because the preparation included a lot of rote memorization of things out of the Baltimore catechism if you are familiar with that. So older catechism that was just filled with why did God make me? God made me because … Why does God love me?

But I am over simplifying it. My recollection was that they seemed pretty lengthy and pretty in-depth and frankly were pretty meaningless to me as an 8-year-old.

And I recall the preparation part for me included my mother helping me memorize and being able to respond to give the answers exactly as they were printed in the catechism. And she would get frustrated with me and impatient.

(Ben) Preparation also included first confession. Ben said, This whole concept of sin and having to go to confession and all that was related to eligibility to receive communion. Because certainly if you are carrying around a mortal sin that definitely wouldn’t do. And so that process was it sure wasn’t fun, how can an 8-year-old even understand that? … It was kind of scary … and I wasn’t looking forward to (it) something that I was— had to do. … It was what we did and once we process from that point forward, the expectation was that you should go to communion every Sunday and what that also meant is that you should go to confession at least once a week. (Ben) Additionally, fasting was required before communion, which was very difficult for Ben: You could not eat or drink anything after midnight or the night before so it was always this process not that I was always up till midnight anyhow that was our

82 problem but I couldn’t eat and I remember being hungry. I couldn’t eat anything or drink anything expect water so there were a lot of rules and regulations that surrounded it. (Ben) The rules around communion specifically, and the church more generally, made Ben’s life quite difficult.

So the expectation of this school is that we would attend mass every morning and communion every morning. Which meant that again because of this fasting you couldn’t eat beforehand and you may have to take a little bit of breakfast with you to school and we never had thermos bottles. My mother used to take a jar and put milk in it and close it with a cap and it never worked. It always leaked. And so by the time you got to school you had this brown paper bag that was tearing because milk was leaking out and you had a sandwich that was kind of a mess.

It is the start the day off that way and the confession was much more stressful and also because I can’t live a block away from the church. So this whole confession thing really got difficult I was just always I think by the time I was in 5th grade I was feeling a lot of guilt about almost everything looking at my mother cross-eyed or seeing a picture everything was sinful. I couldn’t go to certain movies. The church at that time had this rating system and every movie had certain rating and it was in the catholic newspaper that came out every week and we couldn’t go to those movies. So there is a lot of sin in my life, my interpretation of lot aspects in my life is that they were sinful and it only got worse as I got a little older. (Ben)

83 Ben’s father died when he was 13 and the church seemed to have abandoned him.

A priest and the kids from my homeroom came to the funeral home and said some prayers. But I remember, going back to school, and it was like business as usual. I mean, nobody ever asked how I was doing. (Ben) Rachel also described a difficult relationship with the church from early childhood. She was raised in a very conservative Protestant church. In her case, however, her family did not take communion because her father did not: The tradition [church] I grew up in was very judgmental and I always looked at communion as a place where I would be judged because [the Bible] says, “If you have a grievance against your brother or your sister, you need to clear that up and then go to communion.” Well, I never got to communion, you know.

Researcher: So in the religion you grew up in did you always feel like you were never good enough to go to the table?

For sure … he didn’t go and so, of course none of us did either. (Rachel) Rachel also noted, There were lots and lots of rules. I sometimes jokingly say that we had more rules than the Pharisees. … I didn’t check out the Pharisees. But it was also a life where everything was wrapped in the King James Version and we went to church every Sunday morning and every Sunday night. (Rachel)

Mixed positive and negative childhood church experiences.

Anna and Ruth had some early positive experiences that created important early connections to the church. However, both felt abandoned by the church because of

84 changes in family situations. Ruth, like Ben, felt abandoned by the church after her father died: My father died in the beginning of my senior year in high school and very suddenly and it was not that the church was not there for us but they did not reach out in intentional ways certainly to me. ... I think my mother had some comfort from her church friends but I don’t feel, as I look back on it, the church did not do what it could have done as my community. (Ruth) Prior to that, Ruth had a good relationship with the church: I went to Sunday school did the whole thing Sunday school confirmation was a significant event for me. I know it is not for a lot of young people but it really was, I took it very seriously and it was a very meaningful time for me.

Similarly, Anna began with a positive relationship with the church, “I can tell you about Sunday school teachers. … I can’t even remember their names, but I remember their faces, and I remember how loved that they made me feel, that this was a safe place to be.” Bad behavior by pastors caused Anna to abandon the church and attempt to abandon God. When my mom finally decided to divorce my dad ... the pastor said, “If you divorce him, you and your children are going to hell” ... And I was there so I heard it. And my mom said, “I can’t live like this anymore” … So she left him and we got banned from the church. And it wasn’t just like, “You are not welcome here anymore.” … They kicked us out. At this point I knew one other pastor. He was the one who married my mom and her second husband. He was a grandfather of several of my friends. I found that he was sexually abusing his

85 grandchildren … not my friends, it was their younger siblings, because my friends were too old. That was it. I was done. I said, “That’s it. If this is the way that God is, if this is what this Christian God is like, you guys are messed up and I want no part of it.” (Anna)

No significant childhood church experience.

Only Paul had no meaningful childhood relationship with the church. One of his important childhood relationships however was his very religious great grandmother: I had actually moved to Chicago for a summer to live with my grandma and my great grandmother, because my mom was getting treatment and my dad was working a lot of hours. They thought the best thing would be for me to live with my grandma and my great grandma, because my great grandma. … That was really my first prolonged experience to somebody that believed in God. My great grandmother would pray with her rosary every day. She had stuff on the shelves that were faith-based like the Virgin Mary. … That was my first exposure to somebody that was strong in his or her faith. … At that age my great grandmother was the world to me, and I was her first great grandchild, so she would always call me her number one. (Paul) All participants except one, were able to identify powerful early relationships with the church that seemed foundational for later healing experiences in communion. Some of these relationships were positive and others seemed to create the need for healing. It seems significant that even the one participant without a meaningful relationship to any church, had a very important relationship with a very religious grandmother.

86 Finding 3: All participants identified experiences of belonging in communion after a history of isolation, exclusion, and loneliness.

The most consistent, and perhaps least surprising finding in a study about experiences of healing in communion is that all participants described their sense of belonging in communion, as the very word for this ritual implies a coming together or a union. All participants experienced communion as healing because they also experienced isolation, exclusion, and loneliness. Two participants also described experiences of communion that were isolating. Higher order concepts of experiences of belonging in communion with themes of inclusive and exclusive communion experiences are presented below with supporting evidence from the interviews.

Exclusive communion experiences.

Ben and Ruth both felt excluded by the church after their fathers died. Ben also felt excluded from being sinful and inadequate. Those feelings began with his First Communion preparations and continued throughout his childhood. Ben also opined that he had been excommunicated: I think I am excommunicated, I mean it’s … I got divorced against the [church’s] law, got remarried, not by a priest so I think there was a big deal. I think if I went to St. Robert’s Catholic Church and said that I think I want to join back up; I think it would be a problem. I think it would be significant problem. (Ben) The experiences of exclusion abated in his new church home where grape juice rather than wine and gluten-free bread were available. Ben stated, “My friend and I were both on a gluten free diet. And I just thought it was really, sensitive of the church to even

87 think, that you know, some people have to be careful about [alcohol].” As a recovering alcoholic Ben avoids even the small amount of wine one might receive at communion.

“Ever since I was in recovery I never took the wine with the communion.” Ben also noted inclusion not only in the bread and juice but also in the age and percentage of people receiving communion in his new, more inclusive church: The other thing at St Matthews is that there is no training for first communion.

Little kids could receive. I mean really little kids could receive, either both or one species of communion. … Same thing at Pilgrim Church, and so what I generally noticed that in the Episcopal Church and at Pilgrim, unlike in the Catholic Church is that everybody typically receives. I mean it is part of the worship experience.

You know in the Catholic Church … my guess is maybe 50 percent of the people in the church would receive communion. (Ben) Ben also tied this sense of inclusion to healing because he no longer feels guilty.

Walking out, I feel part of the community of people, who I know for the most part are pretty like-minded in terms how they like to see things go on in the world. …

On the other hand, if I don’t go I don’t feel guilty like I always did. (Ben) Ruth, like, Ben also experienced radical inclusion in communion. In one experience, Ruth was served by a child and in the other, a tall bishop served her on his knees. These are both described in Finding 1 because these experiences also felt sudden.

Mary experienced some exclusion because of the physical limitations that resulted from having polio as a small child. She observed, “Well, I’m sure it certainly affected me in my growing up because I wasn’t physically able to do a lot of things that my friends did.” Mary grew up largely feeling loved and included at home and at church, in spite of

88 her polio. As an adult, when she and her husband moved to a new community, they immediately found a church where they felt included: “This Church family has really helped us you know really made us feel a part of the Church and really be that family away from home. You know always been there when we need it.”

In contrast, Rachel’s childhood was one where she often felt excluded, “So, we were kind of, we never really got inside the community. We went to school there. We had roles to play but we weren’t really part of the community.” Her father’s mental illness also led to feelings of exclusion: From about [age] 3 on, we really saw clinical depression that was not treated with edges of paranoia and things and so. … That’s another thing that separated us from the community because how do you explain that? How do you deal with that? (Rachel) Rachel also felt excluded because own world view did not match that of her family, church, and community of origin: We’ve come up in a simple way and it is or it isn’t. It’s pretty black and white and I’ve been a gray child from the start. Or maybe living color. But this black and white stuff has always been a problem for me. (Rachel) In particular, Rachel felt excluded because of gender discrimination. She described one of the denominations she tried in this way: “In lots of ways, it was very much like the church that I come out of. Lots of rules and all the guys were in charge.”

Rachel chose a career in special education. She described her passion working for the inclusion of people with disabilities and her connection to a church that shared this passion:

89 We had done amazing things in the field—social services for people with disabilities and I started in that field just as all this was happening and it was a lot of battle—to get funding, to get acceptance. I was out there every day taking my people into the community and dealing with the people who rejected them and so having support for that in the United Methodist Church was just so powerful because there was the sense that somebody else got this. They understood and I think the thing that, this is the reason that I love that church. (Rachel) She concluded saying, “Even though our faith traditions are different [referencing a Roman Catholic woman she saw as a chaplain], we have experienced the power of the gospel and part of that power is in communion.” Although some participants expressed feelings of exclusion associated with communion, all participants identified feelings of belonging and inclusion associated with communion experiences.

Inclusive communion experiences.

Anna began life as an unwanted child.

I was not a wanted child. ... I was loved sort of I mean I know that, I know that my family loves me but I was never the child that they wanted. Nobody wanted me and they told me that over and over again. (Anna) Anna was then banned from the church. Her family moved often and Anna lived in the isolating world of secrets because her father sexually abused her throughout childhood. In adulthood, as a clergywoman, Anna described feeling especially wanted when she brought communion to parishioners who were dying. One parishioner, it appeared, even put off dying, waiting for Anna to bring her communion:

90 I actually think she would have died that Monday, because she died on Wednesday but I didn’t come see her. … Kelley said she wanted to know all day long, she kept asking where you were … and she woke up and she said I have been waiting for you and I just want you to pray with me one more time. (Anna) Anna concluded, “I would say truly yes that being wanted is healing.”

Like Anna, Paul also described exclusion because of a difficult childhood, and subsequent feelings of exclusion and inclusion in communion. He was an only child of alcoholic parents, with an unfortunate surname and crooked teeth.

So I kind of learned at a young age to take care of myself because with me being an only child and you know if my parents hit the bars quite often Yeah when I was in high school, you know I was always the skinny kid, you know I was you know, my parents never took me to the orthodontist so you know I always had crooked teeth, and so I was made fun of and bullied a lot at school. (Paul) Paul expressed dismay at the exclusionary practices of the Roman Catholic Church with regard to communion: And I went up and I took it and I came back to the pew and stuff. My wife didn’t say anything until we got out of the church. She said, “I can’t believe you went up there and took communion,” and I said, “I’m a Christian. I have a relationship with Jesus Christ, and nobody should tell me when and when I cannot take the blood and the body of Christ.” (Paul) He also expressed a willingness to be inclusive. “If I see somebody that’s struggling, instead of, of being, you know, selfish and just going about my day, I’ll try to see if there’s a way I can lift them up, or I pray for them.”

91 Finding 4: Changes in beliefs about the Eucharist made it more meaningful for some participants.

Two participants, Ben and Paul, expressed change in communion that made it more meaningful. In both instances, participants described shedding the belief that the bread and wine literally become the body and blood of Christ during communion. This belief, which is part of Roman Catholic doctrine, is called transubstantiation. Evidence of this change in belief follows.

Paul showed a progression of beliefs from his conversion experience. His belief system changed over the course of this study. Initially, Paul reported his conversion experience: I cried after I took communion and because I realized what it was. After that it’s taken on a whole new meaning for me. I realized that it is the body and the blood of Christ. … I think that’s probably why it means so much to me, because I don’t take it lightly. (Paul) During the member-check interview, Paul reported a change in his belief. He felt his faith was stronger after giving up a literal belief that communion contained the actual body and blood of Christ: I don’t know if I was trying to prove. Well, yeah, I think it was me trying to prove something to other people, how important it was to me. So I just thought the best way to tell them how important this is to me was saying that it is the body and that is the blood of Christ. …Then people would know how much it means to me. I don’t know I ever truly believed that, but that’s what I would tell everybody because it did mean so much to me. The pastor at Alliance was talking about it.

92 He said, “We do not believe that the bread and the juice or wine are the actual body of Christ,” … “The best way to think of it,” and he brings out his cellphone.

He said, “This is a picture of my son. It’s not actually my son. It’s a picture. But when I look at that picture, it doesn’t mean he’s any less important to me then if I were standing in front of him.” And that started the wheels turning. And, I did a lot of praying about it. I think it’s brought me closer to Christ because I don’t believe that that is the actual body and blood of Christ. But it’s a symbol and that symbol has helped my relationship grow. (Paul) Ben similarly found his faith strengthened when he found permission to give up the notion of transubstantiation. Ben, it seems, was relieved to feel that he had permission not to believe concepts that no longer make sense to him.

I am not sure. But I do know when I was going home yesterday, I raised this question with my friend Christine that I raised with her in the past … just kind of asking some questions about this whole Jesus, Son of God thing. She asked, “Can we call ourselves Christians if we question that? Isn’t everything based on the fact that he is the son of God on earth? I said, “Yes.” So I feel it is okay to be skeptical. (Ben)

Finding 5: An overwhelming majority of participants acknowledged struggles in their relationship with God before experiencing healing in communion.

It seems that having the sense of a good relationship with God is a condition precedent to healing during communion. Prior to any healing communion experience, Anna, Ruth, and Rachel had tried to “get rid of God,” but had concluded that they could

93 not. Ben did not express trying to get rid of God, but like Anna and Rachel, also gave up condemning images of God from childhood before he experienced healing in communion. Paul gave up his anger and bitterness toward God as part of a communion conversion experience. Mary was the sole participant who did not explicitly acknowledge relational problems with God prior to her healing experiences. In her first healing, she became aware of actually having a relationship with God, although it was not an easy relationship.

The struggles included trying to dismiss God, the transformation of the image of God, and the perception of a relationship with God. I present these themes below with supporting evidence from the interviews.

Trying to dismiss God. Anna, Rachel, and Ruth talking about their experiences in trying to get rid of God: I do not need to pray to you anymore because I do not believe in you and this is ridiculous that I spent every night praying to you and I have all my life. I am not going to do this anymore. This is it. We’re done … about the end of my time in grad school was when I finally said, okay fine God obviously your real. I mean this is pretty much … it wasn’t like, “Oh I’m a sinner and I’m so horrible and I love you and you redeem me,” It was like, “Okay, fine. Obviously you’re real and obviously every attempt that I make, all the reading I’ve done, all the talking I’ve done, all the ways that I’ve been angry at you have not amounted to anything because you are obviously real. (Anna)

94 I think that became part of the transition to believing that there was a loving ...

God. And I think that led to the foundation for healing that will come later even though after that part of communion and with the sexual assault I just tried to chuck God for a while. (Rachel) And I just was not involved in church, but I never lost sense that God is God. That just never went away I tried very hard. I slammed the door. I turned my back.

(Ruth)

Transformed images of God. For Ben, the change in his relationship with God, and hence his willingness to find a new faith community began in treatment for alcoholism: I was thinking more in terms of my relationship with God. And I think the process of treatment and participating in a 12 step recovery program was significant in my own spiritual development and ultimately in my willingness to consider reengaging with a church community. (Ben) Although he did not speak specifically about a conversion experience Ben did note that he no longer feels guilty all of the time: I feel somehow fulfilled. Walking out, I feel part of the community of people, who I know for the most part of pretty like-minded in terms how they like to see things go on in the world and on the other hand if I don’t go, I don’t feel guilty like I always did. (Ben) Paul described the anger at God that was resolved prior to his healing experience.

95 I thought if there was God up there, He must not really care about me. So, I became a very bitter, selfish person after my great grandmother passed away—a lot of anger. … I mean that was the one person in my life, at the time that I figured I could lean on and count on and now she was gone.

Paul’s changed relationship with God came during the confessional part of a communion service called dying moments: I accepted Christ in my life when I was 35 years old, roughly … and before that, you know, I’d, you know, some of that bitterness you know, I treated people poorly. And, and I, I felt guilt for a long time for the way, you know, I treated people and stuff like that. And when I took communion that first time, or there’s even, you could even call this part kind of communion, is when I did a dying moment. (Paul)

Perception of a relationship with God. Mary was the sole participant who did not describe struggling with God. However, in her First Communion service, she described a changed relationship with God that occurred during a Walk to Emmaus retreat. She said, It all just seemed that then, you know, for me to pull it together. I have prayed. I have always prayed. Always had a relationship with God, in talking to him all the time, you know prayers at night, during the morning or during the day. If I just you know … I mean, it seems like I have always had it. But again it was just kind of a haphazard, just … it was happening, but I didn’t understand it as being a relationship with God I think. (Mary)

96 All participants described a change in their relationship with God prior to having a communion experience that they would describe as healing. It seems that a sense of healing in participants’ relationship with God, or at least acknowledging a relationship, as in Mary’s case, was a condition precedent to other healing.

Finding 6: Participants described healing in relationships with significant others as a result of their communion experiences.

Rachel, Mary, and Paul described healing in significant relationships as a result of communion experiences. Two additional participants described connections to significant decedents through communion. Anna described comfort in feeling the presence of an important deceased person in a communion prayer. Ruth described a connection with her deceased father through a communion story. Below I document the descriptions of healed relationships associated with Holy Communion. The themes under healing in relationships included healing through surrender and forgiveness and healing through grieving in communion. I present both themes with supporting evidence from the interviews.

Healing through surrender.

Rachel and Mary described letting go or surrendering as part of this healing. Paul described a change in attitude that allowed him to forgive his mother. Rachel described healing relationships with both of her parents through communion. When she surrendered her need to “fix” her father during a communion experience, she was able to be in relationship with him, notwithstanding his continuing mental illness. This turn allowed

97 for a more authentic relationship with her mother. Surrendering the need to “fix her father” has also proved invaluable in her work as a hospital chaplain.

And what happened when I did that is that, there was healing between my dad and I, that there was a little bit of the pressure was up and so, it wasn’t only in me it was between us. … I think the other benefit to that was that my mom could breathe a little easier because she knew that the tension between us and it is ...

That tension relaxed and it was easier for us to be together. (Rachel) Mary described surrendering her anger at the former pastor this way: And I suddenly I realized during this one communion that, he’s here at church that ... you know ... I don’t have to do that. God will—he and God have their own relationship and God and he will work this out. And it made me sad for him because ... when I think about things that I’ve done wrong having to face God and then he is going to have to face God so it was just like ... that communion service allowed me let go. (Mary)

Forgiveness and healing through grieving.

Before his communion experience, Paul said of his relationship with his mother, “Because of the drinking, and, and stuff like that, and instead of respecting her and, and loving her for being my mom, I kind of went the other way, and withdrew myself and, and was very bitter and angry.” Paul recalled the communion service that transformed his relationship with his parents, as well as his relationship with God: I remember asking God for forgiveness for the way I treated my parents, and that was huge for me. For the longest time I just blamed them for everything. I never

98 really stood back and looked at myself, and said, “Well, you know, you were kind of crappy to your parents during that time, too.” (Paul) Anna’s healing was not one of reconciling a broken relationship as Paul, Mary, and Rachel described. Instead, her healing, along with Ruth’s, was one of grieving a loss.

Anna discussed grieving the loss of her beloved parishioner, Gladys. Anna served Gladys’ communion on her deathbed. In presiding at communion, she remembered Gladys: And so I said it is healing in a way because I knew that this was important to her.

I know that she is one of those people that were reunited with all time and all space. It brings honor to her faith that we continue to do this. … Anyway so the healing came in doing it over and over again and finding comfort in those memories, and it is so hard and it is still hard. (Anna) Ruth did not describe a specific communion experience related to healing.

However, she did describe a communion story that takes in her deceased father. Ruth found a book in her father’s library after he died. The book is a Christian allegory with a communion theme. She found a connection to her father through taking in this story: There is a book that informs that sensibility for me one that I read when I was a teenager and it is sort of a holdover from my father. My father did not go to church, was not a believer, but as I said it was not about him. He was a devout agnostic but he read ... The Bhagavad Gita, he read the Upanishads. He read the Koran, you know he read widely of religious writings of faith traditions. He also read science fiction. And one book that was in his library, that I did not read before he died, but that I read shortly after he died, was Stranger in a Strange

99 Land by Robert Heinlein. It is the story about a young man who was raised on Mars by Martians. He is an orphan of the first Martian trip and he is brought back by a second Martian expedition but he has these Martian abilities. He is sort of telepathic and other things, but there is a messianic element to his story. At the end of the story he has built a community of people around him who believe in free love. … That is not the main focus of it, but that is the part that gets all the attention when people talk about it. … But really valuing the uniqueness of the other and taking in the uniqueness of the other. … Because his movement is completely nonviolent and completely idealistic, he is murdered. Before he goes up on the roof where he knows he is going to be killed, he leaves behind his finger and they make soup and everyone partakes of his soup and so they partake of Michael. It has that sort of communionesque linkage with, “If you drink of something that has part of me in it, you drink of me. You take me in and I take you in.” (Ruth) Participants in this study described healing with significant others through communion in two major ways. Three participants, Rachel, Mary, and Paul, described reconciling broken relationships through communion. Anna and Ruth experienced healing as part of a grief process wherein they felt connected to deceased loved ones.

Finding 7: All participants described positive changes in themselves and in their identity that they associated with their communion experiences.

All participants described positive changes in themselves and in their identity that they associated with their communion experiences, although they were expressed in a

100 variety of ways. Anna lived out a proclamation made in infancy about her strength. Ben and Rachel overcame negative self-images associated with communion. Anna, Rachel, and Ruth expressed sensual experiences that seemed to confirm their identity in communion. Anna, Ruth, Ben, and Mary all expressed positive aspects of identity from serving communion to others. Ruth, Rachel, Paul, and Mary all noted a strengthening of identity in services only the faithful were likely to attend. Below I document the organized data associated with changes in self and identity as a result of Holy Communion. The themes under changes in self and identity include living out a proclamation, negative self-images from communion replaced with positive ones, sensual communion experiences and identity, and special communion services and identity. I present these themes below with supporting evidence from the interviews.

Living out a proclamation in communion.

Anna recalled in her childhood a frequently told story about being an unwanted child and being premature: And my mom said, there’s a woman who was on her third or fourth child who she was sharing a room with, and she said, “If this baby lives, it will be the strongest person that you have ever met in your life.” (Anna) Anna reflected on this story: Nobody wanted me and they told me that over and over again. Now I realized that they’ve told me that story to show me that I was strong, but that’s not how you interpret it when you are 6 years old and you hear that.

101 In serving communion to Dee, Anna was both wanted and strong. Anna relayed the story with the words of a lay minister who accompanied her: “I barely could hold it together,” he said. I don’t know how you did that and you did it and your voice was clear and strong and you didn’t hesitate,” And he said, “I don’t know that I could do that.” In the conversation that he and I had afterwards that I got to view it through his eyes, and I saw it differently. … I was sitting there with Dee … seeing in his eyes was different, and in some ways it gave it a fullness that I just didn’t have. [The] experience became more of a healing experience in that case, because it wasn’t that she was going die, but he saw a moment of comfort that I gave her, that I was just so in the situation that I didn’t see it. So that was the first time, it was one of the times. (Anna) Clearly this is not only experience of living out a proclamation, but also a matter of the firming of vocational identity as a pastor. Anna was strong enough to step into a difficult situation and do what needed to be done. She was able to remember the liturgy and “hold it” together in a difficult moment. The communion stories Anna shared demonstrate strengthening of her vocational identity as she lived out a proclamation.

Negative self-images from communion replaced with positive ones.

Rachel and Ben initially received negative images about themselves associated with communion. Rachel could not take communion as a child because she wasn’t worthy: And so, when he didn’t feel worthy, we weren’t worthy either. And so, that had a huge impact on how our family functioned in faith, you know? ... Because it was

102 a very patriarchal family. I mean dad, in one way or another, ruled the roost and in the church, it was the guys who had all the say ‌ the tradition I grew up with is very judgmental and I always looked at communion as a place where I would be judged because [the Bible] says if you have a grievance against your brother or your sister you need to clear that up and then go to communion. Well, would I ever go to communion? (Rachel) Ben also felt from childhood that he was unworthy, and particularly sinful: So this whole confession thing really got difficult. I was just always, I think by the time I was in 5th grade, I was feeling a lot of guilt about almost everything.

Looking at my mother cross-eyed or seeing a picture, everything was sinful. ‌ Not only is it bad thing to carry around an immortal sin, but to do that and go to communion that is like you know a trifecta. The trifecta of sinfulness, and since the last few months I have had a different experience with the Eucharist. (Ben) Both were able to let go of these negative self-perceptions associated with communion, (and more broadly the religious experiences of their respective childhoods). Rachel said, I got the sense that there was this loving presence somehow connected with communion that was a total change from the idea that you were judged if you went to the table without having every single thing right in your life. Well God is about grace too. I think there is grace for us to do the things we need to do through communion. I mean you leave your baggage, in some way you can leave your baggage there; I don’t know that I necessarily see it that way now, now I see it more as an ongoing conversation. My faith is somewhere here over the top of it, but there is life here in all this other stuff and it seems like life is more integrated

103 now and so my faith is part of that process, I think, of that integration. And, I can live more honestly, because there is that integration and because I have learned how to get what I need. And, I have learned that it is okay to need, it is okay to ask. (Rachel) Ben was touched by the radical inclusiveness of communion in the Episcopal Church: children could partake, the bread was gluten free, and the wine contained no alcohol. He was invited into a study group and discovered he had so many intellectual gifts that he returned to school, eventually completing a doctorate.

And then ultimately I think felt confident enough to try to graduate school ‌ I mean the words that they use, you know in terms of the consecration of bread and wine, at our church they make a point of saying it is gluten-free bread that, is good. And grape juice. It is not real wine so that was the other thing. Ever since I was in recovery I never took the wine with the communion at St Marks. Because I just didn’t want to have any alcohol at all. The other thing at St Marks that I noticed is that there is no training for first communion. Little kids could receive, I mean really little kids could receive, either both or one species28 of communion.

Same thing at the UCC Church, and so what I generally noticed is that in the Episcopal Church and at the UCC, unlike in the Catholic Church, everybody typically receives. I mean it is part of the worship experience. You know in the Catholic Church I can already recall trying to recall the last ‌ my guess is maybe 50 percent of the people in the church would receive communion. (Ben)

28

Species refers to the communion elements: both species means bread and wine.

104

105 Sensual communion experiences and identity.

Rachel, Anna, and Ruth reported the importance of the physical aspect of the communion experience. For Rachel, the texture of the bread evoked not only good childhood memories of baking bread with her mother, but that life, including her life, is precious and fragile: There is something about that texture of the bread in my hands and being a very tactile person and a very visual person. The touch of the bread in my hands and breaking it and the color of the wine, it made the strong impression on me as how fragile the body is and how breakable it really is—and this idea of the color of the wine, it does stain and so does blood. … The texture of it goes way back to childhood and I ate homemade bread every weekend. So the bread is just really tangible even though I’m allergic to gluten. That is a very tangible thing so it’s really important. And sort of, you know, in the whole family tradition. I mean my grandmother made bread, my mom made bread—that is just how we grew up with homemade bread. (Rachel) Rachel also noted that “Bread is the staff of life. Bread is how we live and draw strength.” Anna, described remembering what was important to a deceased parishioner as she described the physical aspect of presiding at the communion table.

At this very moment, hearing these words and seeing the bread break and hearing juice poured was huge for her. That was such a big part of her faith—actually until this last communion, this is the first time I have made it through without crying. … And that is the moment that I encounter the Holy Spirit the most. It is

106 not, I mean in the prayer I feel my feelings more where I am connecting, and where I am engaging in it and then [I] do the bread and the juice. (Anna) Ruth has so integrated communion into her life that every act is in a sense communion: I don’t know if communion is now separated from the rest of my life, in a significant way because that notion of every time that you take a drink of something, every time you take a bite of something that you are partaking of communion, has kind of infused in my life so life becomes communion, life becomes worship and every table is the Lord’s Table. (Ruth)

Special communion services and identity.

Rachel, Ruth, Paul, and Mary made mention of certain communion services being particularly important to their identity. Rachel and Ruth mentioned Maundy Thursday, the commemoration of the last day of Jesus’ life and the First Communion. It seems that people who show up share a special religious sensibility. Rachel said, I love Maundy Thursday. There is this [long pause] how do you put the mystery in words? I’m not sure how you do that. But the idea that you have a clean slate— that every day is a new start, I think that is a piece of it, and the other thing that strikes me about Maundy Thursday is that we are in this community together, and I mean we are always in community together, sort of. But, there is something different about that Maundy Thursday community, not everybody shows up, there are just a certain core people who do and there is a certain spirit that fills that place. (Rachel)

107 Ruth also mentioned that few people show up on Maundy Thursday, implying a special affinity or piety among the participants of communion services on such special holy days. Mary also mentioned that the community makes a difference. Instead of referencing a particular holy day, Mary referred to an organization or group. She also mentioned the joy of this group. In all three cases, it appears that the people want to be there.

The difference is about having a communion at an Emmaus event and having communion in church or having communion with an Emmaus pastor and having communion with someone who has experienced an Emmaus. There is so much, there’s more joy in an Emmaus event and people are smiling and kind of laughing, giggling. And what we’re doing there’s seems much joy that just brings out, you know, the giggles and what we’re doing and stuff. We are in church and it just seems like it so, it just always seems like you had to be so serious. (Mary) Paul expressed frustration with people who just take communion because they happen to show up on a Sunday, “So, and they’re not really thinking about the significance of it.”

People who share a sense of importance for communion affirm identity.

Serving communion and identity.

Anna, Ben, Ruth, and Mary expressed a strengthening of identity in serving communion to others. Anna’s case is not surprising in that serving communion is a clergy role and Anna is the sole clergyperson in this study. For example, in serving Dee, Anna described claiming her role:

108 I think that I think it is all wrapped together and I didn’t hesitate and Dee was dying and all this sounds and smells—was all present. I didn’t hesitate because this was my friend and she needed me in that moment and I didn’t think about the fact that other people were watching me because it wasn’t about them. It was about this moment that we had together and so yeah, a real recognition of my role was something more than just showing up with gossip about what happened at church or answering the question of how many worshippers did you have today.

(Anna) In each case, participants expressed agency and piety, that is, a sense of being good by serving another. Ben said, I was also chalice bearer, and maybe I didn’t mention this but I would also, take communion to, people who couldn’t come … to church, and then I would give both, the bread and the wine … taking it to people in hospitals, people who are not able to go to church. … I think, I, it gave me a different perspective than just being out in the congregation. I mean, I was actually engaging in the process … it was making the effort to kind, kind of do an extra thing. I mean sometimes you would have to drive a long way to somebody’s, other times it was a drive nearby.

So there was this need to be willing to, to do that. The priest would give you, a little bag with the stuff in it right towards the end of the service, and the expectation was that you would go right from there to visit that person and, so that kind of extended your Sunday morning. … Participation by doing that extra thing.

So that, you know, that took some willingness to even do that, but then, you

109 know, you’re visiting people who maybe haven’t had a visitor in some time, mostly older people, you know, who were grateful. (Ben) Ruth said, I have served communion a couple of times since we talked last, and I love serving communion. Because, especially in my own church where I know people, to look into someone’s eyes and to offer them the bread of life, this is the bread broken for you, Kate. Saying their name, this is the cup of salvation, cup of the new covenant poured out for you Jenny. … I love serving because you see so many different ways that people approach and experience communion. (Ruth) Mary noted that when her church asked her to be a server, she took what she had learned from Emmaus and started calling people by name when they came up to receive.

She noted that this changed the whole attitude of communion in her church.

And our pastor here he would call me up to serve sometimes. I would call people by name and that kind of changed communion. By us doing that, there was a change, slowly a change of attitude about communion. People still don’t want it all the time in this church, but afterwards people come out and say, that was so nice that you called me by name. (Mary) Expressions of identity are invariably part of any IPA study (Smith et al., 2009).

Participants expressed positive transformation of identity related to communion in a number of ways. These included living out a proclamation, replacing a negative selfimage with a positive one, participating in a community or service in which one felt others shared a sense of sacredness of communion itself, as well as the sense of agency and goodness that comes from serving others.

110 Findings from member-checking and journal.

The member-checking interviews yielded additional communion stories. All participants expressed appreciation in being part of the study. Two participants, Mary and Ben, wanted to make slight changes to how I represented their relationships to their parents. The member-checking interviews also brought out recollections of experiences related to the deaths of parents from two participants. Two of the communion experiences reported in the member-checking interviews were mother–daughter communion experiences. Two participants changed churches between the second and third interviews and one person reported a significant change in his belief system around the meaning if the bread and wine in communion. I document these changes, additions, and clarifications below.

In both instances in which participants commented about their parents, it related to their relationship to the church. Mary clarified a sentence from her first interview that her parents did not understand what she needed and were not deeply engaged in matters related to church: “They were engaged with and how they were very supportive and encouraging but just not participating in church, in that part.” Ben said, I think the only thing that you said in there that I wasn’t completely accurate at all, though I might have said it, is that as a child I, I think I said that I didn’t feel I could talk to my parents about, my experiences with nuns and priests. (Ben) Ben also reported that participating in the study brought back feelings about his father’s death, his mother’s stoicism, and the church’s response: It just brought back a lot of memories of everything that was going on in my life at that time. My father was quite ill. Then, my father died, and my mother, was

111 very stoic about it. Granted my father had been ill quite a bit through their relatively short marriage, but it was like she just said, “Okay, we’re going to do an about face here, and just move forward.” And I don’t recall my mother ever talking about my father’s death afterwards. It was almost the same thing at school.

I mean, I was gone from school for a week or something like that. The funeral home was right near my high school, so the, a priest and the kids from my homeroom came to the funeral home and said some prayers. I remember, going back to school, and it was like business as usual. I mean, nobody ever asked how I was doing. “Yeah, okay. You’re back. Let’s, let’s move on.” When I think of his funeral, it was just another example of the way the Roman Catholic Church conducted business at that time. It was a very ominous sober, experience. The priests wore black vestments … everything was still in Latin then. I just remember, there was a lengthy piece of music that was sung at funerals then called the Dies Irae. I can hear it today. … So I’m not sure where I’m going with this, other than other that I think it was kind of consistent with my overall experiences in the Catholic Church. One of fear and guilt, and lack of joy. (Ben) Ruth’s member-checking interview yielded the story of her mother’s death and the legacy of her parents: My mother looked at her life and said oh look at that blessing, oh look at that blessing, I got to go to summer camp every summer, I got to have this relationship with this woman who ran the orphanage and I got to—everything for mom was abundance. So dad lived large and dad saw everything as blessings, so I come by it sort of naturally. (Ruth)

112 Two of the communion stories offered in the member-checking interview were stories of communion experience with the daughters of the female participants. Anna shared the story of her daughter’s First Communion as a preschooler.

She had the bread and she had the juice and she put the little cup in, you know in the little holders and she just felt like she was grown up and she looked so grown up to me even though she was just this little toddler preschooler and then afterwards I turned to her and I said, “How do you feel? “She said, “I feel filled up with God’s Love.” (Anna) Mary shared the story of serving communion at her daughter’s wedding.

This intimacy has made to communion more meaningful … and also I want to share with you that at my daughter ‘s wedding, instead of a unity candle or the sand jars, their unity was to have communion during their service. It was their idea to have both of the mothers serve communion with them. So Heidi and I served one side and Jody and his mother served the other side. And so that was neat. There were a lot of comments about that afterwards that it was very cool. …

And I was very tearful when Heidi asked me. (Mary) She added, “After talking to you about this my awareness of communion and a little more connection with it, and so when they came up with that was like wow, that is really powerful and I was so excited.” Ben offered that he had just heard the communion prayer that described communion for him currently. He stated, I was thinking about was this the first sentence where is says that you call each of us to share this life giving bread which nourishes and refreshes. That might be a good description of how I feel about it. (Ben)

113 Neither Rachel nor Paul made any substantive changes to the content of their first or second interviews. Neither told a new communion story. However, both changed churches between the second interview and the member check. Because Rachel has attended many denominations over her adult life, sometimes being affiliated with more than one at a time, this was not surprising for her. Paul’s change was, at least in part, related to communion. It was during the member-check interview that Paul disclosed giving up his belief in transubstantiation. It seems he attended a meeting to get to know a pastor at a church he visited. The pastor’s explanation about transubstantiation made sense to Paul: I don’t want to say I think that was holding me back, but I think it was [pause] … it was making it harder for me … to further myself in, in certain areas by hinging everything on that is the body and that is the blood. And like I said I think now that I, I view it as a symbol it doesn’t mean that it’s any less important. (Paul) Rachel also responded regarding the meaning of bread. In her case, however, it was a clarification the meaning of bread, rather than a change. Rachel said, “Bread is the staff of life and bread is how we live and draw strength.”

Ruth noted, Communion shared in a circle is a different experience when you are serving one another than when you are sitting in a church sanctuary. It is more intimate, it is more shared, and it is more communal. (Ruth)

114 Responses to Researcher All participants seemed eager to participate in the study. I felt that all participants both wanted to help me, even though I had never met most before and only had a casual acquaintance with the two I had previously met. Most talked easily and both laughter and tears flowed throughout our conversations. Each person thanked me for the opportunity to talk about their stories. Anna said, “I enjoyed this.” Ben said, “Well, thank you for the invitation, I appreciate the opportunity it’s given me an opportunity to think about it.”

Mary concluded, “After talking to you about this, my awareness of communion and my connection with it, and so when they came up with that was like wow, that is really powerful and I am so excited.” Paul said, “Thank you it was, this has actually been kind of fun.” Rachel said, “It will be great to see how this whole thing comes out.” Ruth said of my summary in the member-checking interview, “You have in writing what I have shared with you. You have reflected back my life in ways that have grace and honesty.”

Each participant seemed pleased to have participated.

Journal Notes and counter transference responses.

Peter, (who I eliminated from the study because he did not share stories of how he was healed, but only stories of his perceptions of healing others), was the sole participant with whom I found it difficult to sit. I found him to be intrusive, even attempting to “heal me” by insisting I take communion.

I experienced Mary as the most difficult to interview because she shared less emotionally. She seemed an eager helper; I sensed that this was less a matter of volition

115 than of a well-ensconced defensive personality structure. She was always pleasant and in the member-checking interview, I sensed that she was especially eager to share the story of her daughter’s wedding with me. This was touching and endearing.

I easily connected with Anna, Rachel, Ben, Paul, and Ruth. We laughed and cried together as they shared stories of joy and of deep pain. We shared many points of connection with each other. Although I gave all participants biblical names as pseudonyms, Paul’s was the most symbolic, reflecting the apostle, Paul of Tarsus, who, like the Paul in this study, had a sudden conversion. Both went from persecutor of Christians to zealous professors of faith. As with Mary, I was touched by Paul’s eagerness in the final interview to share with me that he perceived he had made a developmental milestone in his faith, moving beyond transubstantiation. I felt that these interviews were a mutually satisfying endeavor, which moved us all a little closer to wholeness and holiness.

Chapter Summary Although sudden changes might be the most memorable, they are by no means the only type of healing reported by the majority of participants in this study. The potency of healing communion experiences did not follow a strict pattern. Participants described positive, negative, and mixed childhood relationships that provided needs and means for healing. All participants identified experiences of belonging in communion and all participants had experienced isolation, exclusion, and loneliness. At least two participants were healed by feeling liberated from beliefs about communion and about God that did

116 not make sense to them. An overwhelming majority of participants acknowledged struggles in their relationship with God before experiencing healing in communion. Often participants described healing in relationships with significant others as a result of their communion experiences. Finally, each participant was able to describe positive changes in themselves and in their identity which they associated with their communion experiences.

117

Chapter V

Discussion Analysis, Interpretation, and Synthesis of Findings I conducted a qualitative study of the experiences of individuals who selfidentified as finding communion healing or curative. This study uses IPA, as described

by Smith et al. (2009). In a series of thick interviews with seven people who selfidentified as experiencing communion as healing, I discovered what these curative experiences were and what they meant to the communicants. I wanted to know if such healing could be explained in psychoanalytic terms and whether such an understanding could support psychoanalytic treatments. I discovered that the participants in this study had early memories and attachments related to church worship or to people for whom church was important. Often they also experienced early traumatic experiences associated with the church. All participants in this study experienced feeling different or excluded. It is not surprising then, that in every case, a sense of belonging and connectedness aligned with healing in communion.

118 Analytic Category Development One goal of this study was to put theological expressions into analytical language in a manner that respected the richness and traditions of both disciplines, and in a manner that denigrated neither and enhanced understanding in both. To do this, I asked, “How can this finding be explained or understood using psychoanalytic concepts?” It is not surprising that that this line of inquiry did not always lead to a direct one-to-one link between an analytic category and a finding, but often the analytic category provided connections between findings. I also reviewed the original case studies I had drafted and shared them with participants. I integrated their impressions and my categories of meaning into the analytic categories, where appropriate. For example, three findings brought classical theory to mind (i.e., Finding 1—The potency of healing communion experiences does not follow a strict pattern; Finding 2—Participants described positive and negative childhood relationships with the church that appear foundational to healing in communion; and Finding 5—An overwhelming majority of participants acknowledged struggles in their relationship with God before experiencing healing). These findings supported Freud’s observations on healing in “Remembering, Repeating and Working Through” (as cited in Smith et al., 2009) Three findings also reflected troubled childhoods, reported by all but one participant, Mary. Through psychoanalytic principles, I hypothesized that Mary is no outlier. She fits in this analytic category in at least some aspects, in spite of less overt childhood psychological trauma.

Often a particular participant narrative fits more than one finding. I placed each narrative in the category where it seemed most illustrative. Similarly, where several

119 participants’ narratives illustrate a similar aspect of an analytic category, I used the one(s) or perhaps two that seemed most illustrative. The analytic categories are: 1. Remembering, repeating and working through 2. Recognizing external and internal changes 3. Communion as belongingness 4. Communion as a catalyst Although authors often write psychoanalytic studies from the perspective of a specific school, such as self-psychology, ego psychology, objection relations, and classical theory, I did not stay in a specific theory. Rather, I allowed the material to dictate its best expression. My acknowledgement that I am the filter through which the materials are analyzed, and that “best expression� is subjective, is a relational stance.

Within that understanding, nonetheless, object-relations theory and the classical theory that birthed it, seemed to be the best expressions in most cases.

Analytic Category 1: Eucharist as Healing Is an Expression of Remembering, Repeating, and Working Through In Remembering, Repeating and Working Through, Freud (1914) observed that patients tend to return to situations and behaviors that are traumatic in order to retrospectively master them. Three findings from this study directly supported this psychoanalytic principal: Findings 1, 2, and 5, described in Chapter 4. The fact that the healings noted do not follow a strict pattern (Finding 1) supports this analytic category.

Rather than following a chronological line, healing occurred as the participant was ready,

120 in kairos or experiential time. It could feel sudden or gradual. This finding fits into the analytic category of Remembering, Repeating, and Working Through because it is the need for mastery and not frequency or intensity that dictates the desire for repetition.

Participants often described traumatic relationships with the church (Finding 2).

Communion was not always traumatic, although it was for Ben and Rachel. The communion story of eating a broken body and drinking blood is representationally traumatic or at least potentially so. All participants described a struggle with God (Finding 5), some even trying to get rid of God. In the communion ritual, they not only returned to God but, at least symbolically, ate God.

Finding 1: The potency of healing experiences do not follow a strict pattern as an expression of the analytic category of remembering, repeating, and working though.

The analytic category of Remembering, Repeating and Working Through focuses on the need for mastery rather than frequency or intensity. In first describing repetition compulsion, Freud (1914) noted that “the patient does not remember anything of what he has forgotten and repressed, he acts it out, without, of course, knowing that he is repeating it.� (p. 151). Communion, by design, is a consciously repeated ritual.

Notwithstanding this apparent difference, the working through was not always conscious in the repetition, and mastery guides the dynamic in repetition compulsion and in a communion healing. Moreover, participants did not identify why they kept coming to communion. This is perhaps a question for future study.

121 Because communion healings, like the resolutions Freud (1914) described, are mastery driven, the lack of a strict pattern is no surprise. In some instances, participants found healing or at least comfort in daily communion. In others it was weekly, monthly, or less frequently. Some participants described healing experiences that felt sudden.

Others described experiences that seemed more gradual, and some described both types of experiences.

Experiences that feel sudden may appear to be at least the Hollywood version of the biblical norm, or at least appeal to a taste for the magical. Certainly, the figure of Jesus in the communion story, the one eaten symbolically during the ritual, would be known to participants as an instantaneous healer. In the Bible, Jesus’s reported healings usually seem instantaneous. For example, according to the Bible, a woman who had been hemorrhaging for 12 years was immediately healed when she touched Jesus’s robe (Mark 5:26). Jesus commanded a lame man to pick up his mat and walk and he did (John 5:8).

Thus, there was a sense of something magical—an unexplained mystical sense about Jesus’s healing. Yet, when Jesus commented about the healings, the words were almost universally some version of “Your faith has made you well” (e.g., Matthew 9, Mark 5:34, Mark, 10:52, Luke 8:48, Luke 17:19, 18:42).

In Freud’s (1914) notion of mastery through returning and repetition29 and the stories of Jesus, participant readiness dictated whether the sense of healing felt gradual or more sudden, even without an apparent pattern. As in clinical settings, even when a sense

Freud (1914) also noted that repetition functioned at times to avoid remembering: “We must be prepared to find, therefore, that the patient yields to the compulsion to repeat, which now replaces the impulsion to remember, not only in his personal attitude to his doctor but also in every other activity and relationship which may occupy his life at the time” (p. 151).

29

122 of a suddenness exists regarding new insight, the usual healing of psychoanalytic therapies has a context or a patient readiness. Communion experiences seem similar. In Christian and psychoanalytic disciplines this readiness might be called kairos (an internal, developmental timing), rather than chronos or predictable linear time kairos.

The evidence of this finding is that opportunities for experiences to promote healing, in communion as in psychotherapy, should not be meted out in a set number of sessions over a set period of time. Instead, opportunities should be offered in kairos—for as long as it takes. People may find comfort in that lack of an endpoint. One can always come back to communion. Rachel’s case demonstrated this sense of kairos, the conclusion of finding one in the analytic category of remembering, repeating, and working through.

I analyzed Rachel’s experiences as remembering, repeating, and working through under Finding 1 because she described gradual and more sudden healing experiences.

Rachel shared a communion dynamic that continued for a period of several years. It offered her increments of healing as she took one pastor’s suggestion. He suggested that, as she took the bread, she give up something that is painful and that, as she drank the wine, she take in something that heals. The presider, symbolically standing in the shoes of God and of father, gave her permission to release her pain and to fill the void it left with something healthy, whole, and good, as she took in broken bread and staining wine.

Rachel used this process to gradually give over many of the difficulties of her life. She took in creativity and a sense of forgiveness. This is roughly parallel to a dynamic in long-term psychodynamic psychotherapy where patients titrate facing painful and difficult issues as they becomes aware of them. Indeed, in the paper, Remembering,

123 Repeating and Working Through, Freud (1914) noted that it is a matter of working through resistances, once one became acquainted with them.

The most powerful and seemingly sudden of these exchanges for Rachel was giving up the painful, broken part of her life related to her father. She was angry with her father for all of the things he could not or did not do, and for the things he did. The isolation, the unpredictability, and lack of security her mentally ill father imposed on her childhood still cast shadows on her as an adult. One of these was the denial of participation in the Eucharist because he was not good enough to partake. Hence, no one in the family was permitted to partake, either. Rachel had assumed the role of fixing him.

She felt guilty about being angry with him, even as she blamed him for a heart attack, and then a month later for a stroke. She feared that he would die before she could “fix” him. It seems Rachel was trying hard to heal him, but he was continuing to worsen. She was ashamed of her failure. This compounded her frustration, her sense of inadequacy, her anger, and her guilt. From childhood, it seems that Rachel thought if she could “fix” him, he would be able to show his love for her. She had hoped to go to medical school, probably motivated, in part, by a desire to heal her father so he could show her love.

Many years later, Rachel was still carrying the burden that it was her responsibility to fix her father. Her therapist said, “If it doesn’t get resolved here, it will get resolved later, and it can be okay.” She carried the burden to fix her father, as well as her therapist’s words, into communion. In the same way that she had so often released pain and took in healing, Rachel released the burden of healing her father, her guilt and sense of inadequacy at her failure. It seems also that she finally released the hold a capricious and punitive God had on her.

124 Finding 2: Positive and negative childhood relationships as an expression of the analytic category of Remembering, Repeating, and Working Through.

Finding 2 describes positive and negative childhood relationships participants experienced with the church that appear foundational to healing in the Eucharist, and is also an expression of the analytic category of remembering, repeating, and working through. This study was not the same as psychoanalysis and participants recounted narratives in their memory as they told healing stories. Finding 2, therefore, is not precisely what Freud (1914) described in the seminal paper, Remembering, Repeating and Working Through. Nonetheless, the psychodynamics Freud described are also present in the communion stories the participants shared in this study. Remembering, according to Freud, was re-membering—quite literally reorganizing thought connections that had been isolated: In these processes it particularly often happens that something is ‘remembered’ which could never have been “forgotten” because it was never at any time noticed—was never conscious. As regards the course taken by psychical events it seems to make no difference whatever whether such a “thought-connection” was conscious and then forgotten or whether it never managed to become conscious at all. The conviction which the patient obtains in the course of his analysis is quite independent of this kind of memory. In the many different forms of obsessional neurosis in particular, forgetting is mostly restricted to dissolving thoughtconnections, failing to draw the right conclusions and isolating memories. (Freud, 1914, p. 149)

125 Ideally, psychoanalysis offers the corrective connections. The communion liturgy is a call to re-member and to connect. All participants would have heard some version of the following at every communion service: Jesus on the night when he was betrayed took a loaf of bread,24 and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, “This is my body that is [broken] for you. Do this in remembrance of me.”25 In the same way he took the cup also, after supper, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood. Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of me.”26 For as often as you eat this bread and drink the cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death until he comes. (I Cor. 11:23a-26, NRSV) The text is a call to reorganize the connection. Freud (1914) observed that the tendency to repeat painful childhood experiences in an attempt to overcome them is an exception to the pleasure principle. The old Roman Catholic liturgy even says, “Lord I am not worthy to receive you but only say the words, and I shall be healed” (Matthew 8:8). It does seem beyond coincidence that a common trait among participants in this study is a painful childhood. Church would not have to have an association with the painful situation for a neurosis to be expressed in attending communion. However, Ben and Rachel described primarily painful experiences associated with the church during childhood. Anna and Ruth also described painful childhood experiences associated with the church. However, these two participants also described some very positive experiences with the church that preceded the painful, negative experiences.

Mary described no negative childhood experiences related to church. She was well into adulthood when she acknowledged betrayal in the church. Paul’s childhood, while extremely painful, did not include much church experience. His parents did not go

126 to church, except for funerals. His positive childhood experience related not particularly to the church but to a religious great grandmother to whom he felt attached. Also Rachel did not take communion as a child as it was a ritual of exclusion with a message of unworthiness related to her father’s illness.

In contrast, for Ben, the ritual of communion and its surrounding requirements were a painful part of his childhood. Ben’s struggles began in second grade with First Communion preparation, which entailed a good deal of rote memorization from the Baltimore Catechism. The material was as voluminous as it was meaningless to Ben. What he remembered most was how unpleasant it was to memorize. He recalled that memorization was hard and his mother would get frustrated with him because he had such a hard time remembering everything he was supposed to know. Ben felt ashamed.

Part of the preparation also included his first confession, which he described as traumatic.

He could not understand his venial and mortal sins. “It was a scary time,” he said, and the confession had to be done before he could take his First Communion. The emphasis was on his sins. He did not understand what they were, but felt inadequate most of the time, so he was sure that he must have had many. Ben also remembers that for his First Communion everyone had to look perfect. Boys wore black trousers, white shirts, and white ties, and girls wore veils and white taffeta dresses. He recalls a professional photograph of that day: everyone, except Ben was looking at the altar. He wanted to look right and do the right things, but could not manage it and it was caught on film, in the wrong, for posterity. This affirmed his sinfulness in his 8-year-old mind.

Once he made his First Communion, he remembered he could not have anything to eat after midnight on Saturdays (much earlier because as a child he did not stay up

127 until midnight) until after communion on Sundays. He remembered being hungry. After his family moved to a new city, he started attending a Catholic school where they had Mass (communion) every morning. This meant Ben could not eat anything before school.

His mother would pack him milk in a jar to drink after Mass. Inevitably, the jar would leak and the brown bag it was in would rip as he walked to school. His sandwich would get soggy and the milk would sour. “It was a mess,” Ben recalled. He then became an altar boy, which was an anxiety-ridden role. He had to hold the paten (bread plate) under peoples’ chins to make sure that no part of the consecrated Host (bread representing Jesus) fell on the floor. He felt that something very bad could happen, and yet, there was also a sense of importance and power in being an altar boy.

Confession was part of the Mass, so by fifth grade Ben remembers, “I felt guilty most of the time. Everything was sinful. … There were many rules and regulations and if you did not follow them all, you were going to Hell.” This was a very stressful time for Ben. Burning in hell was very much on his mind as his father’s heart condition worsened.

As I wrote up Ben’s case, I found that I had written, “Perhaps it was his fault, he thought, because he was so bad.” Yet, when I went to add the line notation, I could not find that Ben had actually said this. Nowhere does he explicitly associate his sense of badness with his father’s illness. Yet, there is ample evidence throughout the transcript of his ambivalence regarding his father. It also seems a neurotic super-ego controlled much of his mental process in this period of his life while his father’s illness became graver and communion more complex and painful. I cannot say whether these recollections mask deeper memories. However, it does seem that Freud’s view of father as a template for

128 God might explain Ben’s early attachment to painful communion experiences and the opportunity for the ritual also to provide him with a sense of healing much later in life.

In Rizzuto’s (1976) paper, Freud, God, the Devil and the Theory of Object Representation, the author described how, in Freud’s work, the concept of object representation is the indispensable mediator in the process of formation of the God image (Strachey, Freud, Strachey, & Tyson, 2001). Rizzuto described Freud’s understanding of how the God image forms: Freud’s basic and repeated premise is that the father is the object who provides the substance for the formation of a god representation, as well as a devil representation: ‘Psychoanalysis has made us familiar with the intimate connection between the father complex and belief in God; it has shown us that a personal God is, psychologically, nothing other than an exalted father …” (Freud, 1910, p. 123). The father is, therefore, the object representation which offers the materials for the formation of the representation of God and the Devil: “Thus, the father, it seems, is the individual prototype of both God and the Devil …” (Freud, 1923a, p. 86). Two different fathers contribute to this process: one, the remotest, is the primeval father of the primal horde, whose influence remains active in every new child endowed with it from its ancestors. The other is the actual object representation of his actual father in the child’s life experience. Both the primeval and the actual father contribute to the formation of the two object representations, God and the Devil, although the latter is less manifest in the average person, or at least “it is by no means easy to demonstrate the traces of this satanic view of the

129 father in the mental life of the individual.” (Freud, 1914, as cited in Rizzuto, 1976, p. 166) Thus, the process of the formation of God/devil representation has two essential steps that complement one another. The first step took place—as a historical fact, so says Freud—at the beginning of history, when “the brothers who had been driven out [by the single powerful, violent and jealous male] came together, killed and devoured their father.” This action was followed by individual identification of each brother with the father: “in the act of devouring him they accomplished their identification with him, and each one of them acquired a portion of his strength” (Freud, 1913, pp. 141–142). Thus the killing led only to partial identification (strength) with the murdered father. Not being concerned with the representational world, Freud omitted discussion of the object representation that mediated this process of identification. It is clear that further historical events were necessary—in Freud’s reconstruction of primeval times—before the slain father could be transformed into an object representation of God. From the point of view of object representation, after the murder the totem animal became obvious substitute for their father (Freud, 1913). Although Freud is referring to the totem animal as a cultural phenomenon, his elaborate discussion of its psychological role leaves no doubt that Freud considers it a viable object representation to handle the guilt over the murder as well as the longings for the dead father. In fact, the most needed identification with the father could be renewed through the ritual totem sacrifices: Thus it became a duty to repeat the crime of parricide again and again in the sacrifice of the totem animal, whenever, as a result of the changing conditions of

130 life, the cherished fruit of the crime—appropriation of paternal attributes— threatened to disappear. (Freud, 1913, p. 145) Although Freud’s notions of God representation formation are not often part of many developmental discussions today, this developmental line does seem to speak to the production of God representations in Ben’s case. Even in more contemporary psychoanalytic theories, aggression plays a central role (Rizutto, 1976) and are all inevitable features of infantile experience, which is likely to generate aggression.

Communion may then be, among other things, an attractive ritual in which to safely express aggression. It is not surprising in this rubric that children with particularly difficult childhoods might be attracted to communion as a healing ritual.

Finding 5: An overwhelming majority of participants acknowledged struggles in their relationship with God before experiencing healing in communion, as an expression of the analytic category remembering, repeating, and working through.

Anna, Rachel, Ruth, Ben and Paul, all devoted practicing Christians today, described struggling with God before experiencing a healing. Anna, Rachel, and Ruth expressly tried to get rid of God until their resistance was so worn down that they gave in and accepted God. The giving in, or giving over, or surrender to God that each described did not happen during a communion experience, but it appears to be a condition precedent to their healing. Rachel, Ben, and Paul expressly noted a shift from a negative to a positive image of God. Mary was the sole participant who did not describe struggling in her relationship with God. Instead, it seems she came to understand that her life-long

131 attraction to the church was because God had been calling her. In this case, I begin with Mary’s new awareness, which did occur during a communion experience.

Although Mary did not describe the same kind of dramatic life-changing conversion experience Paul did, her new awareness of God also came on a “Walk to Emmaus” weekend. I doubt Freud would have looked upon Mary’s understanding that God was calling her as a working through, because of his own most problematic relationship with the idea of God. However, it is precisely this psychical mechanism that I observed in Mary’s story, particularly as she referenced the Bible story from the Gospel of Luke, from which the Walk to Emmaus takes its name. Freud (1914) observed in Remembering, Repeating, and Working Through that, “When the patient talks about these ‘forgotten’ things he seldom fails to add: ‘As a matter of fact I’ve always known it; only I’ve never thought of it’” (p.148). Prior to her communion experience, she first felt God calling to her: I think it’s kind of like a moth to the light. I couldn’t understand why if my parents and other people didn’t want to go all the time. Why was I really into it? I was focused on getting there, one way or the other. Why would I want that? Why wouldn’t I just be content to sit at home and watch TV? Or read? or something like that on Sunday mornings? I would go out with my friends on Saturday night but then I still wanted to go to church on Sundays. I needed to be there, but I didn’t understand why. I don’t think I had a relationship with God. I enjoyed the sermons, I enjoyed the music of church, the Bible readings, but I don’t think I really put it all together. (Mary)

132 Mary’s Walk to Emmaus communion experience helped her, as she said, “pull it together”: It all seemed to pull it together. I have prayed. I have always prayed. Always had a relationship with God, in talking to him all the time, you know prayers at night, during the morning or during the day. … It seems like I have always had it. But again it was just kind of a haphazard, just … but I didn’t understand it as being a relationship with God. (Mary) Mary encountered Jesus just as Cleopas and his companion had in the Bible story such that confusion precedes the new understanding. Mary became aware during her Walk to Emmaus of prevenient grace, the idea that she is not alone but that God was there with her, loving her and calling her all along. She said she now understood her attraction to church that had confounded her since childhood. This understanding provided her with a sense of relief, and with contentment comes internal congruence. As with Cleopas and his companion, she recognized Jesus in the breaking of the bread. It was one of those “aha” moments in life when an old, nagging issue dissolves into clarified thought. She provided one answer to Bollas’ (1987) question, “How does the unthought known become thought?” Bollas used a personal countertransference understand the experience of being the analysand’s object by giving it imagery and language. The Walk to Emmaus communion experience functions psychically in a similar way to the process Bollas described. The Walk to Emmaus story is a story of the unconscious emerging into consciousness; recognition of something a person experiences as already known.

133 In the story, Jesus seems to represent a strong maternal presence. After Jesus blesses and breaks the bread, Cleopas and his companion recognize him and then Jesus feeds them. In Mary’s story, the reenactment in the blessing and the breaking of the bread in communion (in the context of hearing the story of Jesus on the road to Emmaus), I suspect, allowed her to feel loved and connected, not only to God, but also to her parents.

The prayers her parents said over meals when they had company were important enough to Mary that she mentioned them. In the Bible story, Jesus is the guest at a table. Cleopas and his partner, like her parents, are ambivalent at best. Jesus says a prayer and breaks the bread and recognition comes. The prayers seemed to evoke a longed for connection with the parental. The prayer is, in essence, the recognition, in theological terms, of prevenient grace. Although theological terms are not easily translated into psychological ones without losing important aspects of their meaning, it seems Mary sensed maternal blessing. In her narrative, Mary stated about church, “My parents would either take me or I would get rides with friends because it was across town. I had always felt this pull but I didn’t quite understand it. I just wanted to be there.” She also stated, “I just felt like I needed to go to church even though my family didn’t. … My parents really didn’t ever discourage me but they didn’t understand what I needed and I didn’t understand what I needed, either.” It seems that Mary realized that in the communion experience, after hearing the story of the walk to Emmaus, her parent’s did give her what she needed, as best they could. It was somehow okay that she had not previously recognized it. This was an existential “aha” Cleopas moment.

134 Although Mary’s struggle with God was to understand her attraction to God, but not to rid herself of God, Anna, Rachel, and Ruth all expressly tried to get rid of God. Anna expressed it most vehemently. She recalled a rant where she tried to get rid of God. If this is the way that God is, if this is what this Christian God is like, I want no part of it. I had lots of friends who were reading Ayn Rand and were trying to figure out what they were doing as teenagers. … I just said I don’t need to read something tell me what I already know. I have seen evil. I have seen people act in evil ways and they’re all claiming it they love God. No it wasn’t all of them. But you know what? Fifteen or 16-year-olds think only in absolutes … I decided I was an atheist and I was okay with that but I didn’t stop praying. Even though I was an atheist, I would still say my prayers every night. It wasn’t until my freshman year in college that I said, “You know what? This is ridiculous. I’m not going to pray to you anymore.” I still remember having this conversation with God. I was lying in my bed and I said, “I do not need to pray to you anymore because I do not believe in you, and this is ridiculous that I spent every night praying to you and I have all my life. I am not going to this anymore. This is it. We’re done!” (Anna) Rachel stated, We came up in a simple way and it is or it isn’t. It’s pretty black and white and I’ve been a gray child from the start. Or maybe living color. But this black and white stuff has always been a problem for me. … Getting to college and hearing about grace and hearing about a God who loves me, that was pretty amazing. And I started to think that maybe that was possible. Just before I graduated, I was assaulted under the altar in the chapel by a black man and I pretty much decided,

135 “God, if you let this happen, You do not care after all. That was just three years of whatever.” (Rachel) Ruth said: And I just was not involved in church at but I never lost sense that God is God. That just never went away I tried very hard I slammed the door I. … Turned my back. … I worked at it because I was angry, dad not being there was just this huge whole and I did not have good counseling though I should have and it was a real detriment. (Ruth) These three women who tried to rid themselves of God had some common experiences30 from which the desire to get rid of God is easily understandable. In each case, the women had at least one early positive experience with the church, followed by failures by the church (associated with God the Father) and with their earthly fathers.

Anna was repeatedly sexually assaulted in early childhood by her father. Sunday school had been a place of safety and loving Sunday school teachers, until her family was ostracized by a pastor when her mother divorced an abusive husband. Anna later discovered the pastor was sexually abusing his grandchildren. Rachel’s childhood experiences with church were mostly negative. Church was the home of a capricious God, a spooky Holy Ghost, and many strict rules. Yet, as a child she also remembered

30

I noticed that although Ben and Paul also faced many difficulties in childhood, and Ben had particular difficulties with the church, neither man in this study reported a desire to get rid of God. I sense a gender issue here that seems beyond the reach of this study. In “Throughout Your Generations Forever: Sacrifice, Religion and Paternity,” Jay (1992) postulated that the Mass can maintain a social structure that flows from father to son, in a line that does not depend on women’s reproductive powers for continuity (Rizzuto, 1976). If we are, as humans, in some way terrorized by our life-long dependence on the maternal, communion may offer a form of temporary relief. I was also honored to be a reader for the doctoral dissertation of Grundy (2006), who took up the issue of male violence in communion from a theological but not psychoanalytic viewpoint.

136 hearing that God died for her. She thought she had found that loving God in college, until she was sexually assaulted in the chapel of that loving God. Her earthly father was also problematic. His mental illness made him equally capricious and left Rachel feeling isolated. In the patriarchal church of her childhood, because her father did not take communion, the family was psychologically excommunicated. Ruth recalled church in her childhood fondly. In particular, she recalled a choir director who identified her musical ability. She recalled loving church and taking it seriously. Yet, when her father died, the church abandoned her as well.

The trauma that each of these women faced likely left them with at least some sense that they were not worthy or entitled to love and protection, even if this sense was not expressed or even conscious. In “Harmful Versus Beneficial Religion,� Anderson pointed out that in spite of differing with Freud on many particulars, the major schools of post-Freudian psychoanalysis share this basic view: A person tends to reject what has been unconscious for the same reason that it was rendered unconscious in the first place: It seems unacceptable and threatening. Freud saw that the self-had to change in order to accommodate the split-off portions of oneself. In other words, increasing health and well-being are associated with a larger, integrated self that can include the aspects of the self that have been warded off (Rizzuto, 1976).

Because none of these women could successfully rid themselves of their belief in God, understanding how their belief may have formed may be instructive. Rizzuto (1979) noted in The Birth of the Living God, that Freud pointed out the importance of the parental couple in forming divinity, but did not follow up, focusing exclusively on the

137 father as the source of a God representation, Rizzuto, 1979; Stern, 1985). Using Mahler’s developmental theory, Rizzuto showed that object relatedness with both parents may play a role in forming a belief in God: [T]he human being is at first absolutely, and remains later on—even “unto the grave—relatively dependent on the mother. … Object relationship(s), i.e. one person’s endowing another with object libido—is the most reliable single factor by which we are able to determine the level of mental health. … Growing up is … a life-long mourning process. Inherent in every new step of independent functioning is a minimal threat of object loss. (emphasis in original, 1976, p. 49) This minimal threat of object-loss, from cradle to tomb, continually reactivates throughout the life cycle. The threat is never finished and constantly reactivated. Rizzuto (1976) concluded that when the reverberations of the relationship with mother throughout the life cycle are added to the father and any other relevant primary object, one can understand how the belief in God forms. Given this theory and with the difficulties these women faced, it is no wonder they would both need their belief in God and want to cast God away.

Rachel remembered, as a child seven of crying in church when she heard the story of the crucifixion, and then being punished by her mother for acting up in church. She was not permitted communion then. When she finally took communion many years later, Rachel recalled, But that was the first time I experienced communion and I wasn’t sure I would’ve called myself a believer. … I was seriously skeptical and I was very much questioning but I took communion as it was passed because I wanted to know

138 more about this God who loved me and I think it was really powerful because that the idea of the body and blood of Christ. You know it wasn’t that it was body and blood of Christ but it represented that. That was a very powerful image at that point because it points back to the Crucifixion … the thing that at seven. (Rachel) The transformational healing process of the Eucharist can be described as remembering, repeating, and working though. It does encompass an early Freudian understanding, but expands beyond that understanding as well.

Analytic Category 2: Recognizing Internal and External Changes Associated With Holy Communion No one in this study described their sense of physical health changing as a result of participating in communion; however, participants described healing in their relationships with others. One participant, Paul, described a full conversion experience that has radically changed his life, impacting his self-perception and how he treated others. All participants described positive changes in identity that they associated with Holy Communion. These changes included expressions of grief and surrender. They experienced expressions of forgiveness and, in Anna’s case, a strengthening of vocational as well as personal identity.

139 Finding 6: Participants often described healing in relationships with significant others as a result of their communion experiences.

Paul, Rachel, and Ruth all connected a sense of healing in their relationships with their parents to Holy Communion. Mary described healing in a relationship with a pastor.

Mary and Anna described a consolidation in their relationships with their daughters; these relationships were not broken, but felt strengthened by communion. Ruth felt reconciliation with the church when a small child served her communion.

Paul’s healing with his parents began with his conversion experience. It occurred during a Dying moments Communion Service on his Walk to Emmaus.31 Paul said: I just remember bawling my eyes out when I did it. A weight lifted off my shoulders. … I accepted Christ in my life when I was 35 years old. … Some of that bitterness you know, I treated people poorly. I felt guilt for a long time for the way I treated people. … When I took communion that first time I remember asking God for forgiveness for the way I treated my parents, and, and that was huge for me, because for the longest time I just, I blamed them for everything.

And, I never really stood back and looked at myself and said, “Well, you know, you were kind of crappy to your parents during that time, too.” (Paul) Noting his own flaws, especially in the treatment of his parents, Paul then offered the following:

“Dying moments” refers to specific sins, wounds, disappointments, burdens, or feelings of brokenness that are experienced as points of living death in the lives of the Pilgrims, which are surrendered before a cross during a special ritual before taking communion.

31

140 Mom was a big smoker, and when I was a kid I always would leave pamphlets all over the house. She would get so mad at me. She’d go, “I told you, I’m not going to quit,” and yell at me for putting the pamphlets around. But when she was in the hospital, they had a white board, and it said “smoking cessation video” on it. And I looked at it when I was visiting her in the hospital and I said, “So are they trying to make you quit smoking?” She goes, “Yeah, they have a video they want me to watch, but it isn’t going to work, I’m not quitting.” I said, “Well, why not?” She said, “Because I enjoy it, I’m not quitting.” I said, “Okay,” and before I left, I prayed for her by the hospital bed. She went home a couple days later, and a week after that, I went over there and she had quit. I prayed that she would find the strength to quit. She quit just cold turkey. She didn’t have a patch or anything— she just quit. And, then she ended up dying a week after that. A part of me was mad at God, because I prayed, and he [God] helped her quit smoking and then a week later he took her away. (Paul) Paul’s great grandmother died before his communion conversion experience. Paul was bitter and resentful after her death because she was the one person who helped him and believed in him as a child. His mother then died just after she quit smoking, something Paul had been trying to get her to do since he was a little boy. This was also a painful loss. The aptly named dying moments conversion experience occurred between the death of his great grandmother and the death of his mother32 The experience changed

32

An abrupt religious experience involving an increased commitment in the framework of the person’s own religious group is the common early definition of the religious conversion, according to Ullman (1989), and a fitting definition of Paul’s experience.

141 how Paul responded to the death of a most important figure, his mother. Again, Paul claimed anger at God, but this time, according to Paul, he “prayed, took communion and asked for forgiveness for being mad at God.” Although a number of reasons may account for this difference, here Paul’s perception is paramount. In the first death story, after his great grandmother’s assurance that he was her Number One, Paul gave her permission to die: “Go dance with great-grandpa.” She died in his presence at an advanced age; by all measures, a good death. Yet, he carried the bitterness of this loss for many years. It seems that Paul was projecting internal angst onto others without examination or reflection on where the feelings came from, or how they were affecting his life or his relationships. It was not just his great grandmother’s death that evoked such a response, but all aspects of Paul’s life. Paul said of his mother during that preconversion time that instead of “Respecting her and loving her, because of her drinking, I was just downright mean.” “I withdrew myself,” he added, “I was very bitter and angry.”

Ullman (1989) noted that in the 2-year period studied, before conversions, most converts (80%) were dominated by despair, doubts of self-worth, fear of rejection, unsuccessful attempts to handle rage, and an emptiness and estrangement from others.

Childhood and adolescent stress were extremely common, as was the primary emotion of rage in those who had conversion experiences (Stern, 1985). Certainly, Paul’s early life experiences are consistent with Ullman’s findings. Ullman’s research would, therefore, predict that Paul was psychologically open to the conversion that occurred during his Dying Moments communion experience.

The conversion process itself, according to Ullman (1989), involves a search for stability and peace. At its core, is the hope of psychological salvation promised by the

142 protection of an omnipotent figure and loving peers. Certainly, Paul was surrounded by an extremely nurturing community (Walk to Emmaus), as he experienced this profound change of heart where he went from blaming his parents for his problems, to having compassion if not empathy for their struggles. This is consistent with Ullman’s observations, offering an astonishingly accurate parallel to the story of the Apostle Paul’s conversion from a persecutor of Christians to an early evangelist (Winnicott, 1960). 33 Paul reports his realization that the omnipotent figure (God) was the one that could forgive him, “I remember asking God for forgiveness for the way I treated my parents and that was huge for me, because for the longest time, I just blamed them for everything.” In a classical, Freudian perspective, one would say that Paul’s religious beliefs were rooted in his disappointment with his father. He was angry at God, because his father failed him, as all human fathers ultimately fail their children. At a point of feeling utterly helpless, he transferred his need for the omnipotent, protective father onto God.

33

(Paul was also known as Saul). In Acts 9:13–22:

13 But Ananias answered, “Lord, I have heard from many about this man, how much evil he has done to your saints in Jerusalem; 14 and here he has authority from the chief priests to bind all who invoke your name.” 15 But the Lord said to him, “Go, for he is an instrument whom I have chosen to bring my name before Gentiles and kings and before the people of Israel; 16 I myself will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of my name.” 17 So Ananias went and entered the house. He laid his hands on Saul[a] and said, “Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus, who appeared to you on your way here, has sent me so that you may regain your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit.” 18 And immediately something like scales fell from his eyes, and his sight was restored. Then he got up and was baptized, 19 and after taking some food, he regained his strength. For several days he was with the disciples in Damascus, 20 and immediately he began to proclaim Jesus in the synagogues, saying, “He is the Son of God.” 21 All who heard him were amazed and said, “Is not this the man who made havoc in Jerusalem among those who invoked this name?

And has he not come here for the purpose of bringing them bound before the chief priests?” 22 Saul became increasingly more powerful and confounded the Jews who lived in Damascus by proving that Jesus was the Messiah. (NRSV)

143 Freud described a religious conversion experience in A Religious Experience (Jay, 1992). In that article, he wrote about a young physician, who decided initially upon seeing a sweet-faced elderly dead woman, to give up his faith(A.-M. Rizzuto, 1979).

While meditating on the matter, the young doctor heard a voice warning him to reconsider. After several days of doubt, he again accepted Jesus as his personal savior.

Freud interprets the old woman as arousing memories of his mother, which aroused in him Oedipal desire and indignation against his father. According to Freud: His ideas of ‘father’ and ‘God’ had not yet become widely separated; so that his desire to destroy his father could become conscious as doubt in the existence of God and could seek to justify itself in the eyes of reason as indignation about the ill-treatment of a mother-object. It is of course typical for a child to regard what his father does to his mother in sexual intercourse as ill-treatment. The new impulse, which was displaced into the sphere of religion, was only a repetition of the Oedipus situation and consequently soon met with a similar fate. It succumbed to a powerful opposing current. During the actual conflict the level of displacement was not maintained: there is no mention of arguments in justification of God, nor are we told what the infallible signs were by which God proved his existence to the doubter. The conflict seems to have been unfolded in the form of a hallucinatory psychosis: inner voices were heard which uttered warnings against resistance to God. But the outcome of the struggle was displayed once again in the sphere of religion and it was of a kind predetermined by the fate of the Oedipus complex: complete submission to the will of God the Father. The young man became a believer and accepted everything he had been taught since

144 his childhood about God and Jesus Christ. He had had a religious experience and had undergone a conversion (Ullman, 1989, p. 171).

The young doctor and the Apostle Paul expressed a sudden and profound belief in Jesus. Freud offered us no details on the doctor’s life before or after the conversion experience,34 but both participant Paul and the Apostle Paul made radical reversals, from an essentially persecutory attitude toward Christianity to deep, committed belief. Both also came to see their prior attitudes with grave remorse. At its root, this was an acceptance of one’s own helplessness. It is surrender. Acknowledging not only one’s own helplessness, but also the need for and acceptance of the “Higher Power” (to borrow language from Alcoholics Anonymous) or the parental is surely soothing. It relieves anxiety and assuages feelings of hopelessness.

Maroda (2002) noted, in Seduction, Surrender and Transformation, that Ghent (1990) identified a patient’s experience of giving over as a transformational surrender: “The obverse of resistance” (p. 110), conveying “a quality of liberation and expansion of the self as a corollary to the letting down of defensive barriers” (p.

108). He describes the patient as having a buried longing for the experience of surrender, because the process of surrender involves letting go of the false self, implicitly allowing the true self (Winnicott, 1960) to emerge. While Ghent’s definition relates to what is often called the “developmental arrest” model, I think that it can be applied equally to the notion of breaking through archaic defenses

34

In my view, Freud’s failure to more fully analyze the intern was a defensive omission based on material from his own life that was too painful for his conscious inquiry.

145 for the purpose of facilitating insight and emotional reintegration. (Maroda, 1999 pp. 52–53) The healing transformation of surrender may be new to Paul and relatively newly expressed in psychoanalytic literature, but it is a very old idea. Older Roman Catholic communion liturgy includes, “Lord I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.” This is a quotation from a Bible story where a centurion asked Jesus to heal his servant (Matthew 8:8). It had nothing at all to do with the Last Supper in the Bible. It has everything to do with healing (changing) though letting go (or surrender).

Paul said that he has changed a great deal since he let go of his anger at God and at his parents during his conversion communion experience. The conversion has changed all his relationships and the way he lives. Paul said, I’ve been involved with the youth ever since. … I love it. A lot of times when I’m speaking to the youth or anybody for that matter, I speak a lot off of emotion, and what I’m feeling. I think the kids like that because I show a little bit of vulnerability when I do it. (Paul) He also said,, What [communion] does is, what it did, it humbles me to not resort back to my old self where I tried to blame everybody else and not myself. It makes me step back and look at myself and say, “You know, this, this co-worker really upset me,” and instead of lashing out and saying something to them, I step back. I don’t say what was going through my head. … I think the way I look at communion, it

146 has changed the way that I treat other people, and, and the way I live my life. You know, I try to make, better decisions. (Paul) This dynamic of healing through surrender and its positive effect on significant relationships is not apparent only in Paul’s case. Rachel let go of her need to “fix” her father.

I think in part it was my way of accepting who he is and what was happening in his life and it was also a little bit about forgiveness, because both of those things grew over time every time I had to re-lay it down it became easier because I have less. … I can only speak on my side. I don’t have a sense for what happened with him. All I know is that as I become less responsible for the hard and mean things that he said that were hurtful didn’t hurt as much. … But there is a place to lay it down. Then I can receive help in the place of that hurt. … I think the other benefit to that was that my mom could breathe a little easier because she knew that the tension between me and my dad relaxed. It was easier to be together. (Rachel) Ruth also expressed healing through surrender. It transformed her anger at the church for abandoning her after her father died when she was in high school. She did not explicitly express anger at her father for dying or at her mother for finding solace in the church.

I was very active in the youth choir. I was present in the youth group. I was in all that stuff. Then my father died in the beginning of my senior year in high school very suddenly. The church was not there for us. … I think my mother had some comfort from her church friends. I don’t feel as I look back on it that the church did what it could have done to help me through that time. I think I gave the

147 impression I was sort of comfortable in my skin and so they left me alone and I needed intervention. (Ruth) Instead, she left the church. She tried several other avenues: “There was sex and there were drugs and there was rock and roll.” Ruth stated, I look back on those years and think so much of that was about dad. It was about not wanting to let go of being a little girl. If I could stay somehow in a bubble, I could feel that dad wasn’t really gone. I don’t know if it was something about acting that was unleashing because in acting you are touching parts of yourself that you don’t ordinarily touch. You are looking underneath the surface of things for motivations. (Ruth) She let go of her anger at the church when a little girl served her communion, which transformed her relationships: I had to really think about what that means, what is going on here and why is this happening and ... I spent a lot of time on it and ... it transformed my understanding of church. ... I had grown up in the church. I understood you go to church and you have community and you get to know each other these are your friends, but this was different. This was ... “You grow together.” This was, “You have a responsibility to one another.” This little girl served me communion. I had to recognize what power she had given me, so that I don’t abuse it. ... So I use it well in a way doesn’t hurt her. This meant that it would be feeding my soul as well. ...

And that obviously was true about everybody else in church. I have power because I am a Christian. … There is a power at work here and I need to be more

148 intentional about that I need to understand that better I need to deepen my connection. (Ruth) Mary surrendered her anger at her former pastor. The pastor stole money from the church and called her names, including “problem child.” This cut deeply. Mary probably tried very hard as a child never to be a problem. It is likely that she considered her polio problem enough for her family. She had always been supportive of the pastor and identified with him strongly because he had previously served her childhood church (long after she was grown and gone). At some level, he had become a kind of internalized bad object. His misconduct left her feeling betrayed, isolated, angry, foolish, and ashamed.

She was struggling with these issues for months after he was gone. Like many abuse victims, Mary had accepted the blame the abuser/pastor had placed upon her.

It was a very difficult time for the congregation and for everybody. … For my husband and me, because he come from my home church here. … And so we talked about him very positively in the congregation and supported him and stuff and then when these all came about, it was really hard. … One time I was just able to—all of the sudden I think “Oh my gosh” I mean, I’m hurting, or the congregation is hurting about … All the different things when on when he was here. ... But then I looked at it from his point of view and what he lost. He lost, and he’s a pastor not necessarily that they aren’t human but he made this commitment to God and now look what happened and what he done. How might God might feel about it? What God would think of him? I just realized I didn’t have to, I don’t have to judge him and I knew that before, but I think I was in trying to make sense of everything. I suddenly I realized during this one

149 communion I don’t have to do that. God will—he and God have their own relationship and God and he will work this out. And it made me sad for him because when I think about things that I’ve done wrong having to face God and then he is going to have to face God so it was just like ... that communion service allowed me let go ... and to move on where we saw some people in congregation who haven’t been able to move on. ... And we have others that who have left the church and whatever and then other who haven’t moved on. (Mary) In addition to being able to name her own sin (judging the pastor), Mary was able to differentiate herself from him during this ritual. She cast out what she had been carrying and was then able to look upon him and his circumstances free from him being a part of her. In doing so, she replaced her hate with empathy. She considered all that her pastor had lost. Then she realized that she did not have to “fix” him or the situation he had created. This was a burden she did not have to bear. She felt free and unstuck. In all cases there were internal changes, letting go of blame or responsibility or anger that made way for healthier relationships with others through external changes.

Finding 7: All participants described positive changes in themselves and in their identity, which they associated with their communion experiences.

Paul’s conversion, Rachel’s letting go of her need to fix her father, and Ruth’s reconciliation with the church were not only experiences where relationships with significant others changed, they were also experiences that marked shifts in identity. I described Paul’s radical shift in detail above. All participants noted some shift in identity that they associated with communion. In addition to Paul, Ruth and Anna described

150 particularly striking identity shifts. Anna seemed to claim a strengthened pastoral identity, surprising herself by reciting the communion liturgy in its entirety after happening upon an actively dying shut-in. Ruth let go of a sense that she was not good enough. Mary found herself in new roles, serving and even changing how communion was served in her church. Ben became a chalice-bearer and communion server to shut-ins in his new denomination. He no longer feels guilty “Like he always did.” As Smith et al.

(2009) pointed out, If one embarks on an in-depth inductive qualitative study of a topic which has considerable existential moment, as is often the case in IPA research, then it is quite likely the participant will link the substantive topic of concern to their sense of self/ identity. What is noticeable, however, is that this striking feature of IPA work is not at all prevalent in many other approaches to psychology. (p. 163) Communion experiences associated with healing are often existential moments. I describe Ruth’s and Anna’s cases here. Ruth’s identity-changing existential moment occurred when she let go of the sense that she was not good enough after an exceedingly tall bishop served her communion on his knees. She said, Those annual gatherings were mixed emotional rides for me. On one hand I was deeply committed to the idea of conflict transformation and I was doing some mediation and training and you know I really was immersed in that world. And on the other hand I had no credentials. … I didn’t have any practice to link the experience to, maybe that is the best way to say it. So as much as I have had that through my life in other areas of professional Endeavour, not having the degree, not having the official stamp of function on the work that I’m doing. I often I felt

151 I don’t feel that way anymore—in the fringes of things, which has its pros and cons. It’s easy to comment about and speak truth to an in an institution when you are into immersed into it, but it’s also, you don’t fully belong. So there were both sides of that, and that particular year, and I don’t know if it was the Bishop’s presence or what it was. … That particular year I was wrestling with things and that communion, when we were coming up to partake and he got down on his knees to serve us and just took the wind out of me. … The sense of not belonging was just crap, [Laughter] and the sense of not being good enough to be there. … I was just totally welcome and I belonged absolutely and the notion of somebody with that kind of spiritual power would be on his knees to serve was just a really transformative thing for me. (Ruth) Again, Maroda’s (1999) observations regarding clinical cases are instructive here.

“Mutuality demands that the analyst show emotion and vulnerability to the patient” (p. 28). Kneeling is certainly an expression of humility and vulnerability. Vulnerability is apparently what Ruth needed. Vulnerability is present in the experience above and in the experience when a little girl served her communion. In the kneeling communion experience, she realized that the feeling of not being good enough is “crap.” Her identity shifted: “I am good enough and I do belong.” In the experience with a little girl, the child’s willingness to serve her shifted her understanding of what it means to be the church. In both instances, Ruth’s identity as part of a church community was strengthened.

In Anna’s case, a vocational identity seemed strengthened in serving communion.

The first two communion stories Anna told were stories in which she served communion

152 to beloved parishioners on their death beds. The story, however, began in her infancy.

Anna was living out a proclamation. In a crisis-at-birth story, reminiscent of Sleeping Beauty, Anna received the gift of strength. Anna’s early life was one of difficult and ambiguous relationships. She was born to teenaged parents. Almost immediately after marrying, her parents concluded that their marriage was a mistake. Anna’s mother, Janice, returned to her parent’s home only to discover that she was pregnant. It was a difficult pregnancy. Janice and the maternal grandmother often told Anna a story about her grandmother’s offer to walk her mother up and down the dirt road on which they lived (to induce a miscarriage) after Janice went into premature labor, and conversely, about taking her to the hospital to try to save the baby.

Both mother and grandmother were ambivalent about wanting Anna. Anna was “a problem” even before she was born. Janice, at age 17, gave up a full scholarship to college when she found herself pregnant with Anna. According to the family story, Janice’s hospital roommate told Janice that if the baby lived “it would be the strongest person you have ever met in your life.” As Anna reflected about her life, she said, I was loved, sort of. I mean I know that … I know that my family loves me, but I was never the child they wanted. Nobody wanted me and they told me that over and over again. Now I realize that they told me the story to show me that I was strong, but that is not how you interpret it when you are 6 years old and you hear that. (Anna As a child she heard, “We didn’t want you,” rather than “You are strong.” It is not surprising that Anna would choose a helping profession, where such ontological shame might be assuaged by serving others so she would feel wanted. Anna has shown strength

153 throughout her life but it appears that the coveted gift was being wanted. Her doctoral dissertation was on inclusion. Although the focus in this section is on Finding 7 as it relates to identity, the discussion here is also relevant to Finding 3, healing through a sense of inclusion or belonging.

Anna initially recounted two deathbed communion experiences, both with “church mothers,” that she described as healing. She observed that the experience that drew her into this study also led to a year of incremental healing, every time she presided at the Table. I described the experiences in reverse chronological order, but in the order Anna told them.

Dee was a 100-year-old parishioner, who had been homebound for many years.

Anna would go out once a month to deliver communion to shut-ins, including Dee. Jon, a newly ordained elder, was with her for training. When they got to Dee’s house, Anna saw that Dee was actively dying. Anna opined that she probably would not have known that until the funeral director called. She said, “This would have been devastating, because I cared deeply for Dee.” When Anna and Jon arrived, Dee’s daughter, Toni, and other family members were there. Anna touched Dee’s arm and asked her if she also wanted communion. Dee told Anna that she most certainly did. Anna said, She was too weak to hold the bread, so I put it in her mouth. And I took the juice up to her lips to drink, which is not uncommon, to hold the juice for people, because they get shaky. And I spoke to her. I spoke the whole liturgy from memory. It was a “God moment” that I spoke the whole liturgy from memory.

(Anna)

154 Her attribution to God for the words also has embedded in it aspects of identity formation, a notion that “God did this for Anna.” She is faithful and she is wanted. Anna continued, and I was saying Dee, he did this for you, and it was a bit emotional and I knew it was going to be the end and what was interesting is that Toni did not leave the room this time, and she actually stayed in the room even though she did not participate. I heard her whisper to the grandchildren “She hasn’t eaten in a week.”

And yet, she actually ate the bread, which was obviously a small piece of bread, but still Dee cried and [Toni] cried and it was like “I am ready to go now,” and she was gone by Wednesday morning. … And getting back into the van with Jon, and afterwards he said, “I could barely hold it together. I don’t know how you did that and you did it and your voice was clear and strong and you did not hesitate,” and he said, “I don’t know that I could do that.” In the conversation that he and I had afterwards, I got to view it through his eyes and I saw it differently. (Anna) Here Anna seemed to accept Jon’s interpretation. The moment of comfort she offered represents a pastoral role and clearly that she felt wanted. This was healing for her as well as strengthening her sense of pastoral identity. Anna contrasted this with situations in which she takes communion to other shut-ins who just seem to want to hear the latest gossip.

Right because it wasn’t like spoke words she didn’t know, she knows those words better than I knew those words. It was in the moment of saying them to her and having them mean something to her. … It wasn’t just like some of the older ladies that go to visit it was a social visit for them; when I served them communion it is

155 the 5 minutes they have to give up from the little gossip session they want to have with me. (Anna) They do not seem to want her or what she represents so much as to hear what is going on.

She then said, It had never has been like that with me and Dee but at that moment it was even less like that and knowing that we were in a room with people who are not believers, or at least who claim to not be believers and who claim to hate almost everything I stand for, but to have them sit there and witness that. (Anna) Dee was sure in her faith, even in the presence of nonbelievers. Anna went on, A month after Dee died, Toni came to my house and it was the only time in six and half years that she’s come to my house and even acknowledged me aside from those visits with her mom, and the funeral. And she talked to me, actually really had a conversation with me which was amazing. (Anna) Again, Anna is expressing that Toni appreciated her. In the next line she associated Toni’s visit back to Dee’s last communion.

I think that, I think it is all wrapped up together and I didn’t hesitate, and Dee was dying and all of the sounds and smells, all of that was all present and I didn’t hesitate because this was my friend and she needed me in that moment and I didn’t think of the fact that other people were watching me because it wasn’t about them, it was about this moment that we had together and so yeah, a real recognition of my role was something more than just showing up with gossip about what happened at church. (Anna)

156 Anna described a second deathbed experience, a last, Last Supper. Although she walked into the experience with Dee, unprepared and not knowing it would be the last time, she did have time to prepare for the experience with Gladys. Gladys was one of the strongest leaders in her church and the person in charge of funeral luncheons. It was the season of Lent35 and it had been a busy season for funerals, when Gladys, at the age of 76, discovered she had lung cancer. The doctor gave her only two weeks to live. Anna knew that communion was extremely important to Gladys. Anna also knew 20 years previously, Gladys lost her mother, who was her best friend, and one of her daughters, within a week of each other. While taking communion, Gladys would feel close to her deceased mother and daughter. She felt especially close to her daughter in the moments of silence in the sanctuary during communion. Anna described the last communion experience for Gladys in this way: I knew that this was it. This was going to be Gladys’s last communion; I had plenty of warning to get this ready. And I also knew how important it was to her, and I knew how emotional it was going to be … to be serving my friend communion for the last time, and so I knew that there was nothing—that I couldn’t ad lib this one. I wasn’t going to make it through. So I went through and I did the whole liturgy. I wrote it all out or typed it out, not just, ‘well we are going to shorten the Lord’s Prayer today because we know we have got this going on.’ It was all of it except for the Peace. We did the prayer—I had the time and I included the confession in the Great Prayer because we—I can’t remember, I have

35

Lent is a solemn 40-day season before Easter in the Christian calendar. Fasting and other forms of abstinence mark this season, which ends with the observance of the death and finally, resurrection of Jesus.

157 it but I can’t remember it all off the top of my head, but I think I read the scripture. We had prayers and we—she was there and her husband was there and one of her daughters was there. I brought the dishes from the sanctuary and I brought the hymnal. We didn’t sing a song because none of us were singers, but we did the Apostles Creed. I did essentially about a 20-minute little service there for her. I said Gladys, “I had to write all this down because I knew I wouldn’t be able to get through it, if I didn’t.” (Anna) It is notable that this experience occurred before the experience with Dee. I report it second because this is the order in which Anna told the stories.

And she did this thing that she does. She said, “Oh, Anna you would have been fine.” And she is still in this hospital bed, because she was really weak even though she said she felt good, even though she didn’t have any strength at all.

(Anna) Again, in the subtext, one can hear that beyond her ministrations, it was Anna’s presence that was desired. Gladys died the Wednesday of Holy Week, the day before Maundy Thursday, on the day of the commemoration of the biblical Last Supper. The family decided to wait until Easter Monday for visitation and Easter Tuesday for Gladys’s funeral. The next time after the funeral that communion was celebrated was the first Sunday in May. Anna could not remember whether she had said, “the Lord be with you.”

She does recall feeling very sad. She looked out at the congregation, as is her habit, to see who was there and who was not (most people sit in approximately the same place every week). She recalled that she said some variation of the line, “We celebrate with those who have gone forth, for this unites us with those who have gone before us.” Anna

158 reported that her voice cracked and she “almost did not make it” as Gladys’s absence intensely filled her awareness. What she did not say was, that she did make it. She is strong. She also said that seeing the bread break and hearing the juice being poured from the pitcher into the chalice made her weepy. She knew these sights and sounds were important to Gladys. Anna said that every time she presided at the Table for the next year, she cried. She did not say whether it was just for Gladys, or for Dee or for other losses in life. “I don’t break down and cry in front of everyone. … I found it was healing to continue. … I don’t shun these moments.” People in the congregation did notice that she got weepy at communion in Gladys’ absence, which created an opportunity for Anna to talk with people about what is difficult when someone dies, thereby shoring up the pastoral role. This was another way communion strengthened her identity.

Anna also understood this mourning to be healing because of the words about being reunited with those who have gone on before us. Doing it repeatedly and finding comfort in the memories is another way Anna defined the healing. Although this happened years ago, at times, it is still emotionally hard for Anna, but the hurt has somewhat abated. Anna understands these experiences as a movement toward acceptance in the cycle of grief. Anna observed that there is “something healing in feeling the sadness.” This portion of the narrative also fits within Finding 1 as it describes a gradual sense of healing.

In the telling of these stories, I noticed that Anna would get to the intense moments around the Great Prayer, particularly the line about being reunited with deceased loved ones, and she would need to distract herself with another story. She might have described the elders forgetting to get up to come forward and serve or with the

159 mechanics of communion (holding the bread high enough, not spilling the wine [juice], the organist playing inappropriately, etc.). Anna continues to process this story and its levels of meaning in her personal narrative and in her professional life. Perhaps Anna has more healing to do in presiding at the Table.

Analytic Category 3: The Eucharist as Belongingness All participants in this study expressed a sense of healing that they associated with communion. For some, communion symbolized isolation, exclusion, and guilt before it was an instrument of healing. All participants spoke of highly valuing inclusion and of relationships. Although not surprising, one can better understand therapeutic actions that transcend couch and Table. Here I examine what is healing transactionally through therapy and the value of religiosity using relational thinkers Maroda (1999) and Jones (2002, who applies Kohut’s work on idealization and Bollas’ work on the sacred) to focus on the inclusivity exclusivity dynamic in communion healing.

Maroda (1999) observed that what analysts offer patients: is not a superior presence, but rather an opportunity to help them be aware, accept, express, understand and integrate their ambivalent emotions. And as Mitchell says, the venue for this therapeutic action is not the individual, but the relationship. The two-person paradigm offers an opportunity to make the most of this relationship, with the analyst’s emotional honesty serving, in part, to facilitate the patient’s.” (pp. 37–38)

160 Finding 3. All participants identified experiences of belonging in communion after a history of isolation, exclusion, and loneliness.

Communion, is not analysis nor vice versa, but when done well, both offer a safe space to bring all of one’s self, including one’s darkest, most primitive, or at least most ambivalent feelings. It appears that for either to be done well requires a good relationship.

In essence, healing it requires a space where one is not alone but connected to others: another human or perhaps a sense of the holy, such as God. Unfortunately, neither therapists nor religion have always done well. In the context of communion, people seem to require perception of relationship with God as well as relationships with the church community for a sense of wholeness. Communion also offers a feeding by a person standing in the parental role. The parental relationship, the relationship with God, and one’s sense of the sacred each play a role in whether communion is an inclusive, nourishing rite of wholeness, or a sense of alienation. Although all participants experienced the nourishing rite, several also experienced alienation.

Jones’s (2002) discussion of the sacred is instructive here. Using the work of Bollas he observed, Bollas’s discussion of the transformational object obviously resonates with many of the “the anticipation of being transformed by an object … inspires the subject with a reverential attitude towards it … the adult subject tends to nominate such objects as sacred” (1987: 16–17). The encounter with the sacred re-engages the self’s fundamental experience of being constituted as a self in the psychological womb of the transforming object. The power of the sacred is, in part, that it carries the potential of recapturing the psyche’s moment of creation and with it

161 the promise of present and future moments of re-creation. This suggests that encounters with the sacred are almost inevitably experiences of transformation.

Experiences of the sacred carry us back to and put us in touch with the foundations of our being and knowing—the transformational object. Such transforming moments are not simply memories of past events but rather represent a return to the foundational experiences of psychological life. They reengage the wellspring of our conscious existence and carry the hope and the possibility of metamorphosis, of reworking or transforming aspects of ourselves and our relation to the world. Such experiences point both backward and forward: back to a more primal (perhaps the most primal) state of consciousness; forward to new levels of integration and transformation by recreating the milieu which is the psychological catalyst of transformation.

For something to be sacred, it first must be idealized (Jones, 2002). Idealization is not necessarily pathological (although I agree with Jones that some idealization in religion may be). Applying Kohut’s developmental theory, Jones postulated that If the experience of falling in love, religiously or interpersonally, only serves to evoke an archaic emotion and does not provide any possibility of transmuting internalizations, then it will only keep the person in an infantile, object-hungry and addictive state(p.65) Transmuting internalizations are the little relational failures from which relationships recover, grow, and lay self-structures for future maturation. Therefore, if the relationship with the beloved, religious, or interpersonal object allows its shortcomings to be acknowledged, its failures recognized, and its limitations supportively worked

162 through, then the possibility exists for genuine transformation toward maturity. I think we can see in this where God (through the church and other situations of life “blamed” on God) failed before they succeeded (Freud, 1928; Rizzuto, 1979; Ullman, 1989).

Jones (2002) acknowledged that religious experiences allow repeated entrance into transformative space. Renewal and creativity emerge from these religious spaces: “Rituals, words, stories, and introspective disciplines evoke those transitional psychological spaces, continually reverberating with the effects of past object relations and pregnant with the possibility of future forms of intuition and transformation” (Jones, 2002, p. 84) Bollas (1987) implied that everyone has the potential for transformative, sacred experiences because they are grounded in a basic human dynamic. The search for the transformational object or experience is not neurotic. The search is rather a continuation of the primary experience that constitutes and reconstitutes the self. The search is not a regression to an infantile state, but a part of the ongoing process of human development.

Jones (2002) likened this notion to Kristeva’s “semiotic” state: a prelinguistic reality having its origin in the infant’s relationship to the mother and her body. The semiotic breaks forth in emotional states, dreams, and religious experience to disrupt the tidy world of patriarchal rationality (Kristeva, 1987, as cited in Jones, 2002, p. 93). Jones concluded, “In many religious faiths, for example, when the subject believes in the deity’s actual potential to transform the total environment, he sustains the terms of the earliest object tie within a mythic structure.”

Returning then to Rizzuto’s (1979) application of Mahler’s developmental theory in formation of belief in God and Jones’s (2002) summary of Loewald and Kristeva, in

163 my interpretation of the ontological problem of separation from the mother, I conclude that the sense of potential exclusion and the sense of being included and fed are at the heart of the healing communion experience. For the believer, these senses can sustain a sense of wholeness beyond the transitory sense of monthly, weekly, or even daily communion.

With this in mind, I turn to the participants and their reports of early life. I have scant information on their earliest object ties, but do have their recollections of early life as it related to church. I reported much of this material in greater detail in Analytic Category 1. I summarize pertinent detail here.

Ben’s first recollections of church came as his mother helped him prepare for his First Communion. Although communion is ordinarily a rite of worship and not a rite of passage (Grimes, 2002), a first communion is a rite of passage. In this instance, the rite gave Ben the right to participate in communion in the Roman Catholic Church. First Communion was supposed to be a time of celebration. For Ben it was particularly traumatic. Ben recalled a photograph taken at his First Communion in which all the children were facing the altar, backs to the camera, except Ben: he was looking into the camera. Although he remembered a party and getting money and a book of prayers, which he still has, mostly he remembered that he learned from this experience that he was sinful, stupid, and different. The difficulties with communion and the church continued throughout his childhood. He did have some sense of belonging when he became an altar boy, assisting the priests with communion. It was also an anxious time for Ben in that he feared dropping the Host. Likely, a bigger fear was that his sinfulness would be uncovered.

164 When Ben was 13, his father died. After attending the funeral mass, his recollection was that the church abandoned him. Ruth described a similar abandonment by the church when her father died, and when she was in high school. Anna was not welcome in worship as a child because her parents did not attend. She distinctly remembered being ostracized from a church by a pastor who told her mother that her family “would burn in hell” if her mother left the man who was abusing her. Rachel, also, was excluded by her very patriarchal church in a small, closed community. Her family was considered to be outside the community, a state exacerbated by her father’s mental illness. The idea of a loving God appealed to her, but her faith was severely tested when she was sexually assaulted under the communion table in the chapel where she had encountered a loving God. Paul had no meaningful relationship with the church as a child, but recalled anger as an adult, newly Christian, in being excluded from Roman Catholic communion (the Eucharist). He was, however, no stranger to feelings of being excluded. Being scrawny, with buck teeth, a last name that drew teasing, and alcoholic parents, Paul was not part of the “in crowd” as a child. His connection to the church was a devoted Roman Catholic great grandmother who adored him.

Mary, alone experienced church throughout childhood as a welcoming and inclusive place. Her experiences of isolation related primarily to having polio and being unable to do what other children did. The participants in this study experienced exclusion by the church (rules and people in the church) and by a variety of other traumatic circumstances (divorce, alcoholic parents, sexual assault, and parental death).

Loewald suggested that religious experience offers the capacity “to mourn the loss of original oneness and celebrate oneness regained” (1988, as cited in Jones, 2002,

165 p. 95). As I began to write this section, a profound image of isolation and exclusion poured into to my consciousness and remained. This content is potentially disturbing, but in retrospect was the place this study began.

In July of 2007, I visited the Auschwitz-Birkenau complex of Nazi concentration camps in Poland with three colleagues. It was a deeply moving and yet terrifying experience. As we walked silently among the dead, my clergy colleague pulled from his pocket a large soft pretzel. He lifted it skyward, Godward, and then without words, broke it into four pieces and we supped. It occurred to me in that moment that no wine was needed. The liturgy was in our minds, and the confession needed for our complicity in the abusive structures of the world was gravely upon our hearts. We were standing on holy ground soaked with the blood of millions of Jews. Could they be for me the body of Christ? Had I fed on them as I had fed on my own mother? Were we now connected?

Jews who lived and died in Hashoah had certainly been excluded and mistreated in ways that are difficult to imagine. This experience evoked my own much more minor experiences of exclusion and mistreatment. Grief it seems, always recognizes itself even when actual loss content is not well-connected.

Some months later I knelt on a kneeler during a Roman Catholic Mass at a friend’s funeral. The congregation was singing, “Come to the table of Plenty.”36 As

36

An invitational communion hymn by Schuette, paradoxically used in a church with closed communion

Come to the feast of heaven and earth!

Come to the table of plenty!

God will provide for all that we need, here at the table of plenty.

O come and sit at my table where saints and sinners are friends.

166 others sang and processed to the front of the sanctuary to receive the bread and the wine, I remained kneeling with my hands resting palms up in the back of the pew in front of me. As a Protestant, I knew that I should respect the Roman Catholic rules that would exclude me from participating in the Eucharist. I felt the painful pangs of exclusion, of being separate and cut off. Then unbidden, the words of St. Paul came to me: For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.� (Romans 8:38–39, NRSV) With those words, I felt that I had communed. In that instance, I felt at peace.

It seems that my healing experiences of communion hold in common with the participants in this study the dynamic of moving from a sense of separation or exclusion to a sense of oneness or connectedness. The connectedness seems to be what the participants emphasized about their experiences and were eager to share. Connectedness, however, is meaningless without knowing the pain of being excluded or separated.

I wait to welcome the lost and lonely to share the cup of my love.

O come and eat without money; come to drink without price.

My feast of gladness will feed your spirit with faith and fullness of life.

My bread will ever sustain you through days of sorrow and woe.

My wine will flow like a sea of gladness to flood the depths of your soul.

Your fields will flower in fullness; your homes will flourish in peace.

For I, the giver of home and harvest, will send my rain on the soil.

167 Anna wrote her dissertation on inclusiveness in the church, presenting the theme throughout her dissertation. She continued to grieve as she recited the communion liturgy, particularly regarding those who have gone on before. There may well be losses beyond those which she was able to name. She did mention that her mother did not believe that her father sexually abused her until he admitted it to her mother. In stark contrast to her experience with her own mother, Anna told the story of her own daughter’s First Communion as a young child, in which her daughter described communion as being full up with God’s love. She used this story to illustrate her commitment to inclusion.

If a 3-year-old can say essentially what it means, which is “You are full up with God’s love,” then that is all that you need to know about it. Don’t worry about all this stuff you are reading about you have to be perfect to have communion or you know, you have to be a certain age or you have to have repented of absolutely every sin you have ever done … then I’ll pull out scripture and say, “Let’s go back to the Lord’s Supper, let’s go back to the very first one. Who was at the table with him?”

“Well, the disciples.”

“Which disciples,” I say. “Was Judas there?”

“Well yes.”

“What did Judas do Just a few moments later? Was Peter there?”

And they say, “Yes.” “What did Peter do, just a few moments later? Jesus knew what they were going to do and they were still welcome, so you are welcome too.” (Anna)

168 Ben talked about the accommodation at his new church where they offer glutenfree bread and grape juice. As a recovering alcoholic, this was important to him. He also noticed that everyone seems to participate, unlike the church of his childhood where only about half the people attended. He even observed small children receiving. He talked about being a chalice-bearer, serving the wine to communicants, and his role in taking communion to shut-ins after church.

Mary noted that she started calling people by name when she was serving communion, and that other servers are following her lead. She observed that people very much like this intimacy. Communion is now more joyful at her church. As with Anna, Mary also shared a meaningful communion experience involving her daughter. Between the second and third interview, she served communion with her daughter at her daughter’s wedding and that this was a particularly joyful experience for her. Although Mary did not describe a difficult relationship with her mother, as Anna had, Mary’s mother did not share her deep connection to the church and did not cuddle her. Although the data are tenuous, a sense of healing or wholeness appears in these mother–daughter communion stories that relates back to the primal need for the maternal and the universal need for connection.

Paul also expressed the importance of inclusiveness. He insisted that anyone with a relationship with Jesus Christ should be able to take communion at any church. He also noted that whenever he sees anyone struggling, he stops to pray for them. Rachel expressed her high value for inclusiveness in her career choices, first as an advocate for people who are disabled and then as a chaplain in a hospital, serving the spiritual needs of patients and families regardless of religious background. In her final interview, she

169 described an experience from the night before with a Roman Catholic woman who had lost her father: I think in part it was about the sense of hope and future and that sense like communion is part of that. It is a regular reminder that our faith isn’t contained in many cases. And in knowing that she was in that place was really helpful to me to do my work because even though our faith traditions are different, we have experienced the power of the Gospel and part of that power is in communion.

(Rachel) Both of the stories Ruth told, being served by a child and being served by a bishop on his knees, were stories where she went from feeling like an outsider to feeling included. She also related communion to a book, Stranger in a Strange Land that she found in her father’s library after he died: It is about really valuing the uniqueness of the other and taking in the uniqueness of the other. Because his movement is completely nonviolent and completely idealistic he is murdered. But before he goes up on the roof of this compound where they are living where he knows he is going to be killed he leaves behind his finger and they make soup and everyone partakes of his soup and so they partake of Michael. It has that sort of communionesque linkage with if you drink of something that has part of me in it you drink of me you take me in and I take you in. So that book had a very strong influence on me just in terms of do I believe that a community like that is possible, that is the community that I am aiming for.

(Ruth)

170 In summary, participants in this study universally described experiences of isolation or exclusion, sometimes even associated with communion. Their isolation seemed to be a condition precedent to sensing wholeness or healing in communion. This finding is consistent with psychoanalytic literature that focuses on the life-long need to overcome a sense of separation and feel connected and included.

Analytic Category 4: The Eucharist as a Catalyst All participants in this study described changes in their relationship with God and changes in their understanding of communion. I described many changes, examined in detail as they relate to struggles with God, in Analytic Category 1. Nonetheless, the ritual itself seemed to help initiate changes in participants’ understanding of God. Communion seemed to have served as a catalyst or impetus for change. The change may well have been in the making prior to consciousness that seemed to erupt in or sometimes after a communion experience. Those changes in participants’ understandings of the ritual itself perhaps represent developmental milestones or new maturity. My intent in this discussion is not to comment on the theological or doctrinal positions of any church or denomination. Such matters are far outside the parameters of this study. Important here is how participants perceived a change in belief that helped them live better. The task is to understand the positive change in psychoanalytic terms rather than to comment on the validity of either the former or the current belief. Two findings in particular point to this catalyst-style action: Findings 4 and 5.

171 Finding 4: Changes in attitudes and beliefs about the Eucharist made it more meaningful and helpful for participants.

The most striking changes in belief occurred during the pendency of this study, when Paul reported, during the final interview, that he had given up the doctrine of transubstantiation. From an object-relations position, Paul provides a striking example of the doctrine of transubstantiation as a kind of transitional object in a Winnicottian sense.

A transitional object is generally a “thing”—a thumb, a teddy bear, a security blanket—that functions as a temporary replacement for mother or breast in her absence.

Such objects in Winnicott’s (1960, 1967) view helped with soothing affect regulation in the absence of the mother. A primary theme throughout Paul’s interviews was on his relationship with Jesus. In his first and second interviews, Paul spoke of the belief that in the consecration of the wine and the bread, they actually become the body and blood of Jesus Christ. This is the doctrine of transubstantiation, normally associated with Catholicism. Oddly, Paul was an active member of a Protestant church that did have transubstantiation as part of its belief system. Perhaps embedded in his attachment to this idea was the attachment to his beloved Catholic grandmother who took him to church when he stayed with her and who called him her Number One. When Paul reflected back on his belief in transubstantiation he said: I think I was trying to prove something to other people, how important it was to me. So I thought the best way to tell them how important this is to me is saying that that is the body and that is the blood of Christ. Then people will know how much it means to me. And I don’t know I ever truly believed that, but that’s what I would tell everybody because it did mean so much to me. (Paul)

172 Paul admitted to not being sure he truly believed in transubstantiation. Instead, it seems he needed this belief to prove his piety to others. It seems he needed to prove to himself, and perhaps to the object, Jesus, that he was pious. This shift in his admitted belief appears to parallel infant development. It seems that this idea of a concrete Jesus in the bread and wine served as a form of object constancy while Paul grew into his new faith. As Paul developed more confidence in himself, he seemed to have less need to prove his goodness to himself or anyone else. He told of an illustration from a trusted pastor that came at a time of apparent readiness to give up his belief in transubstantiation: And [the pastor said] “We do not believe that the bread and the juice or wine are the actual body of Christ.” The best way to think of it and he brings out his cellphone. He said, “this is a picture of my son. It’s not actually my son. It’s a picture of him. But when I look at that picture it doesn’t mean he’s any less important to me then if I were standing in front of him.” And that started the wheels turning. And, and I did a lot of praying about it. Oh, for, clarification, or direction or whatever. And, and I think it’s brought me closer to Christ because I don’t believe that that is the actual body and blood of Christ. But it’s a symbol and that symbol, I think has helped my relation grow with Him. (Paul) This comment seems to demonstrate a new kind of maturity where physical proof is not needed to sustain the relationship. In another developmental scheme, this shift seemed to mimic de-animation. Paul said that he did a good deal of praying about it. Perhaps prayers about returning to the Table today serve as a kind of rapprochement, not only for Paul, but for others who feel healed when they take communion.

173 Ben likewise gave up a belief in transubstantiation. He did not speak of a dramatic shift the way Paul did; rather, while slightly tentative, he noted, [In] the Episcopal Church this whole issue of transubstantiation really isn’t an issue. It is not the real the body and blood of Jesus Christ as they believe in the Catholic Church. I think that was also kind of a hard thing to really get. I still think a lot of people still have a hard time getting that. How can this really be what it is? (Ben) Ben describes a recent conversation with his partner where he concluded that, “It is okay to be skeptical.” He noted that he leaves worship feeling fulfilled and part of a community. He also said, if he does not go to church, he does not feel guilty “like I always used to.” It seems that his shift in belief has also helped him.

Finding 5: An overwhelming majority of participants acknowledged struggles in their relationship with God before experiencing healing in communion.

Struggles in relationships with God appeared in three basic ways among the participants in this study. I discussed struggles resulting in surrender and struggles to get rid of God in Analytic Category 1. I include the final way, the transformed image of God, in this section because of its strong nexus to communion. Communion was the practice that seemed to allow Rachel to let go of the image of the punitive and capricious God of her childhood: I wasn’t sure what this was all about, everybody was doing it and I was invited to do it too. So we passed the bread and we passed it down the line in chapel and first I didn’t take it because I wasn’t right with God. … You know these people

174 aren’t any better than me or any worse than me and they are taking communion and I think that become part of the transition to believing that there was a loving God. And I think that was the foundation for healing that will come later. (Rachel) It seemed that seeing other people, who she could see were less than perfect, take communion offered her permission to accept communion, and then to accept a loving God and a less-than-perfect self. This transformation was influenced in large part by her new sense of feeling included. She noted that this transformation was foundational for later healing. Rizzuto’s (1976) findings would have likely predicted this. Rizzuto noted that the God representation first formed is compounded from the pre-Oedipal psychic situation; the beginning stage of the Oedipal complex; the characteristics of the parents; the predicaments of the child with each parent and sibling; and the general religious, social, and intellectual background of the household (1976, p. 45). Given the closed, tight-knit community in which Rachel was born, a change in community would be part of her healing. Community influenced all participants in this study. To a large degree, this was discussed in Analytic Category 3 in the experiences of feeling. This study focused on individual experiences. Communion is not, however, a solo experience, but almost always one of a gathered community. Each healing experience described by the participants of this study, occurred in in the deathbed experiences participants shared that were not intimate one-on-one experiences, but experiences where others were gathered around, as witnesses if not communicants. Although beyond the data tracked and analyzed for this study, the role of community in the healing experience is an opportunity for further study in both disciplines of clinical social work and practical theology.

175 Conclusion I discussed the seven findings of this study in four analytic categories. In several places, findings linked and could be analyzed under more than one category. The discussion yielded questions that seemed to me to be worthy of much greater study. I discuss implications in the summary chapter that follows. Primary topics raised for me included (a) the role for clinical social workers in helping churches and other groups treat children well, particularly when the children are in difficult situations, and (b) the role of gender in communion healing.

176

Chapter VI

Implications and Recommendations Introduction The purpose of this IPA was to understand the lived experiences of people who experienced the Eucharist as a healing. Implications and recommendations from this study fall into three major areas: (a) implications and recommendations related to fostering healing among religious patients, and (b) implications and recommendations related to churches and those related to study design. Although the first category of implications was envisioned for the study, the second and third categories were unanticipated. These implications are nonetheless important and worthy of discussion. As recommended by Bloomberg and Volpe (2012), I conclude with my final reflections.

Implications and Recommendations for Fostering Healing The implications and recommendations for healing may apply in two distinct settings: in the clinical settings that this study envisioned, and in churches (and other religious institutions), which this study did not contemplate. Additionally, this study indicated possible opportunities for cross-disciplinary efforts between clinical and

177 religious settings. In this section, I pair each finding with its conclusion. The implications and recommendations then follow for each setting.

Finding 1: The potency of healing communion experiences does not follow a strict pattern.

Conclusion 1: I conclude that healing occurs when a person is ready.

Finding 2: Participants described positive and negative childhood relationships with the church that appear foundational to healing in communion.

Conclusion 2: Childhood psychological harm caused by churches (and those related to churches), as well as positive relationships formed in church create a propensity to seek for and receive healing there.

Finding 3: All participants identified experiences of belonging in communion after a history of isolation, exclusion, and loneliness.

Conclusion 3: Isolation, exclusion, and loneliness are universal experiences as is the desire to belong. Communion is a ritual that effectively evokes all of these conditions.

Finding 4: Changes in attitudes and beliefs about the Eucharist made it more meaningful and helpful for all participants.

Conclusion 4: People can experience maturity as a kind of healing. Maturing understandings of communion helped participants claim their faith and offered a sense of comfort, connection, and resolution of conflict.

Finding 5: An overwhelming majority of participants acknowledged struggles in their relationship with God before experiencing healing in communion.

178 Conclusion 5: The resolution of conflicts with God, as well as with those from whom God-images are formed, is a logical condition precedent for a sense of healing in communion.

Finding 6: Participants often described healing in relationships with significant others as a result of their communion experiences.

Conclusion 6: God images are formed in large part from relationships with parents and other significant others. This conclusion follows logically from Conclusion 5.

Finding 7: All participants described positive changes in themselves and in their identity that they associated with their communion experiences.

Conclusion 7: In the study of any healing phenomenon, people expect to experience positive changes in self and identity because existential moments inevitably relate to issues of concern respecting identity.

Implications and recommendations for clinical social work settings.

Much about this study points to how people heal far beyond communion experiences or even other religious experiences. Large bodies of psychoanalytic literature demonstrate that people return to places of pain or trauma in seeking healing. Indeed, transference responses invariably contain the most poignant elements of ones’ personal history. Because the imago dei or image a person holds of God is often largely based on early experience, particularly parental relationships, understanding early religious experiences should be part of clinical inquiry for clinical social workers. The Eucharist is a repeated ritual that can provide opportunities for pain and for healing, but it is by no means the only religious ritual of this type. In fact, the Eucharist is a Christian

179 reformulation of the Seder or Passover meal of the Jewish faith. When a ritual is a rite of passage such as First Communion, or a bar/bat mitzvah it may be empowering or traumatic. I suspect much literature and more opportunities for study could be found on religious rites of passage and their roles in trauma and healing. Eid al-Adha is a sacrificial meal eaten by Muslims, similar to the Eucharist and the Seder. I postulate the potential connections between religious rituals and healing extend far beyond Christians and communion.

In my adult life I have encountered many clinicians with little tolerance for religious material. I had desire to proselytize in this study. My intention did include legitimating religious experience as a possible means for healing and certainly as a topic of exploration in therapy. Helping clients heal will sometimes require a tolerance for religious experience and a willingness to inquire with an open, nonjudgmental stance.

The study supports this implication. The potential to harm religious clients with countertransference responses may be born of personal unresolved religious experiences.

The first implication for clinical social workers is openness to religious experience as a means of healing, requiring the generally open, nonjudgmental stance expected from social workers (National Association of Social Workers, 1996) and an understanding of one’s own personal religious experience. The second implication is the opportunity for deeper studies into personal communion experiences as well as studies across religious rites of passage such as confirmation, adult baptism, hajj, bar/bat mitzvah and others.

All participants in this study described experiences of belonging as well as experiences of exclusion. The ritual is one of inclusion, but it is also, in many settings, a ritual of exclusion. These are universal experiences. Unfortunately, this study showed

180 how religious communities sometimes mistreated children, including and perhaps especially children with situational challenges, including parental mental illness, divorcing parents, parental death, and sexual abuse. To my knowledge all participants in this study would identify as White, heterosexual, Christian, U.S. citizens. In other words, notwithstanding their own difficulties and challenges around exclusion, all participants in this study enjoy privileges in society based on traits that are often not afforded people in our society with other traits. Perhaps other findings would have emerged had I studied people from a nondominant class or nondominant sexual orientation, or people with alien status. All participants expressed a high value for inclusiveness, which allows them an empathic stance toward others. I believe helping others work through the pain of exclusion experiences will help create a more open and just society.

The final implication I wish to raise is the opportunity that this study addresses for working with religious entities to help people live better. Clinical social workers who are part of religious communities should raise awareness in their own faith communities regarding inclusion, as well as ministries of justice consistent with the aims of social work in the context of the particular faith group. Additionally, assuming privacy laws and ethics issues are properly observed, opportunities may accrue to work with clients and their clergy toward healing.

Implications and recommendations for churches and other religious settings.

Among the saddest and most alarming of the findings of this study was the mistreatment of children by religious organizations. Child abuse by clergy is well known but it is not the only way in which churches (through people associated with them)

181 mistreat children. Four of the six participants in this study reported mistreatment by their church as children. Anna reported being excluded from the church and overhearing a minister tell her mother they would “burn in hell” if her mother divorced the man who was abusing her. Ben reported emotional abuse by the church. Ben and Ruth reported that the church abandoned them when their fathers died. Rachel reported exclusion based primarily on her father’s mental illness.

The four participants in this study who experienced mistreatment by the church were also experiencing other challenges. The implication is that many churches apparently fail to provide the kind of supportive community that children might need. In my experience, children in need often reach out to churches. In churches where I served as a clergywoman, hungry children regularly wandered in on Sunday mornings or other times because there was food. Parents sometimes bring or drop off children at church when the family is facing troubles. I wonder today about some of the other opportunities for healing and hope that the churches mentioned in this study could have offered, had they been aware. I see churches offer grief support groups and blue Christmas services, Alcoholics Anonymous meeting places and breakfasts for those who are homeless. I am aware of clothing drives and warming shelters, shower ministries and side walk Sunday schools. My recommendation to clergy and church leaders is that, as they are reviewing ministries, they ask specifically about the treatment of children. This includes the children of church members and those in the community the church serves. I encourage special attention to children whose families are “nontraditional.”

182 Implications related to study design.

I identified two flaws in the study design. First, the study would have been improved by the adoption of a guiding text from the beginning. The IPA text (Smith, 2009), was added to the study after the data was collected to help frame the analysis. The text was added with the change of chair. The text also grounds the understanding between the researcher and the chair as to what is to be accomplished. Had the text been used from the beginning, deeper interpretation may have been possible. IPA would have begun with the first interview rather than being applied after all data had been collected. Second, I believe an additional interview after a communion experience and before the memberchecking interview would also have improved the study. I hope that the identification of the design flaws might assist other scholars and their guiding committees avoid repeating these errors.

Personal Reflections Research is me-search in any qualitative study. Bloomberg and Volpe (2012) discuss the highly personal nature of qualitative case studies and suggested closing with personal reflections. The idea for this study began in Faigen’s Freud II class at the Institute for Clinical Social Work. The Eucharist often entered my mind as I prepared for the class and as I attended lectures. For the final paper in that class, I developed an idea that I called source instinct. Dr. Faigen suggested to Dr. Eldridge that I make it the basis of my dissertation. I explain this idea in detail in Chapter 2.

183 I did not reflect on the idea of source instinct during the research or analysis stages of this study. In fact, I did not design the study to test the idea of source instinct.

Had I tested the idea directly, I would have asked in detail about confession and about aggression. I did not explore these largely because participants did not discuss these ideas. Paul, whose conversion experience was part of the communion experience he discussed, was the sole participant to discuss this darker side of himself. Ben’s discussion of sinfulness came largely from being reared in a community that emphasized guilt. The women in the study did not raise significant issues related to their own aggression or sin.

The closest ideas to my theory that I see, in reflection, relate to a kind of ontological separation. As I reread Jones’s Terror and Transformation (2002), I realized that source instinct holds much in common with Mahler’s developmental theory, especially with regard to separation from the maternal. During the pendency of this study, several people close to me lost their mothers. At the Institute, all lost Marcia Adler, whose influence was maternal in many ways. In all cases this loss appears to be most primal and an affirmation of source instinct. Anna did express the idea of remembering those who have gone on before us as she remembered a maternal influence in her life, but the idea was not otherwise explicitly present in the stories that were told in this study. Perhaps such content could be solicited in deeper, more structured interviews.

Another idea that this study generated for me is related to the idea of wanting to get rid of God. There are Ample Bible stories about getting rid of God. Only women brought up the idea in this study. This may be purely coincidental, but gender is raised in other studies such as those by Jay (1982) and Grundy (2006). This is another area for possible future research.

184 Conclusion This study yielded numerous conclusions regarding patterns of healing associated with the Eucharist and the human condition. Conclusions addressed the roles of readiness, propensity, belonging, understanding, struggling, and relationships in the healing experience. Findings revealed an unexpected level of mistreatment of children in church settings. Even though this study had a very modest goal, which was met only in part, I hope that what I have learned will, in some small way, advance the field of clinical social work and deepen an understanding of the impact of the Eucharist for individuals and families.

185

Appendix A Individual Consent for Participation in Research

186

INSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL SOCIAL WORK

Individual Consent for Participation in Research

I,______________________________________, acting for myself, agree to take part in the research entitled: AN EXPLORATORY PSYCHOANALYTIC STUDY OF HEALING IN THE CHRISTIAN RITUAL OF HOLY COMMUNION This work will be carried out by Rev. Kathryn Croskery Jones (Principal Researcher) under the supervision of Dr. Jennifer Tolleson, (Dissertation Chair). This work is conducted under the auspices of the Institute for Clinical Social Work; 400 South State Street, Suite 822 Chicago, IL 60605 Purpose The purpose of this study is to understand how research subjects experience healing or curative feelings by participating in the ritual of Holy Communion. It is hoped that this understanding will lead to better understanding of this ritual in healing. Religious healing may be accessed by individuals who will not or cannot access psychotherapy as well as people whose healing is enhanced by participating in religious activities.

Procedures used in the study and its duration This study will involve approximately four to eight hours of your time. You will participate in a series of three interviews. The interviews will be set in a mutually convenient, and private place. The first interview will include basic information about you and your belief system as well as basic information about your communion experience. The second interview will cover your communion experience(s) in detail.

You may wish to take communion between these interviews, but are not required to do so. The third interview will include a discussion of my interpretation of your experiences as well as general preliminary conclusions.

Benefits This study may offer you deeper insight into your own spiritual life. It may also help clinical social workers, pastors, pastoral counselors and psychotherapists to be more effective in the care they offer to other parishioners and patients though greater insight into ritual as a part of care. A $25.00 gift card will be offered to you upon the completion of the third interview. This gift is token of appreciation. It does not compensate you for the value of your time and contributions.

187 Costs There are no significant costs associated with participating in this study. Any transportation costs to the interview site(s) will be reimbursed at the IRS rate (currently $.51) Possible Risks and/or Side Effects There are no known risks or side effect to participating in this study. It is possible that the process could change how you feel about communion. Such a change could be experienced as a loss. You are free to withdraw from the study at any time for any reason.

You may also experience deep feelings while participating in this study. While the feeling of emotion is part of our human experience, sometimes we are not aware of our deep feelings. Interviews can make you more aware of feelings. This can be unsettling.

Over time many people find this deeper self-awareness to be a benefit in spite of such feelings.

Privacy and Confidentiality Your privacy will be protected in the following ways.

1. All interviews will be conducted in mutually convenient private settings.

2. All interview data that is electronic will be stored on a password-protected computer while being used. It will be transferred, backed up and stored on a storage device such as a flash drive, which will be stored in a locked cabinet in the researcher’s home, until such time as it can be destroyed.

3. All written data will also be locked in the researcher’s home.

4. Data that personally identifies you, such as your name will be removed from any parts of this study which are shared or published. Exceptions are: 1) the transcriptionist of the interviews will have access to any information which is recorded. S/he will also sign a confidentiality agreement and will be required to keep all information about you confidential. Voice recordings will be destroyed after being transcribed.

5. Any electronic transmission of data about you will be encrypted.

6. All data will be destroyed five years after the completion and acceptance of this study. If for any reason the study it not accepted all data will destroyed after five years of inactivity of this study.

Subject Assurances By signing this consent form, I agree to take part in this study. I have not given up any of my rights or released this institution from responsibility for carelessness.

I may cancel my consent and refuse to continue in this study at any time without penalty or loss of benefits. My relationship with the staff of the ICSW will not be affected in any way, now or in the future, if I refuse to take part, or if I begin the study and then withdraw.

If I have any questions about the research methods, I can contact Rev. Kathryn Croskery Jones (Principal Researcher) at 414-678-8485 or Dr. Jennifer Tolleson (Dissertation Chair/Sponsoring Faculty) at 802-864-1562.

If I have any questions about my rights as a research subject, I may contact Daniel Rosenfeld, Chair of Institutional Review Board; ICSW; 400 S. State St, Suite 822; Chicago, IL 60602; (312) 935-4232

188 Signatures I have read this consent form and I agree to take part in this study as it is explained in this consent form. _________________________________ _____________ Signature of Participant Date I certify that I have explained the research to _____________________ (Name of subject) and believe that they understand and that they have agreed to participate freely. I agree to answer any additional questions when they arise during the research or afterward. ________________________________ Signature of Researcher Revised July 31, 2011

______________ Date

189

Appendix B Raw Data Tables

190 Raw data for themes of “gradual, sudden, frequent/sustentation in healing” Gradual

Line

Anna: Actually until this last communion, this is the first time I have made it through without crying. 755– Either during it or afterwards, if I make it through the service; I don’t break down and cry in front of 758 everybody but I get a little weepy and thankfully there is some silence so I have a little chance to pull it together Anna: But I think this last time because I remember thinking this is the first time I am making it

760–

through in a year and so what I found was that it was healing to continue like I didn’t shun those

762

moments, I didn’t say to the elders okay we can’t have communion anymore because I am going to cry Anna Anyway so the healing came in doing it over and over again and finding comfort in those

775–

memories and it is so hard and it is still hard. And I found just this Sunday when I lead communion

780

and I read that you know; prayed that part of the prayer, ... It wasn’t, it didn’t hurt ... As much, it started to heal. In a way yeah it still hurts because she is not here but I can look passed that now and see the cycle of grief and move more towards acceptance.

Rachel: And so for a period of years that become really part of my mindset as I took communion

844–

was Jesus died or this, hey what is it that you are willing to give and what is it that you are willing to 853 receive into the void that his giving has left. And that was, I mean I gave up all kinds of things, you know I gave up fear. I gave up worry about certain things, not total fear, not total learning but you know it is the things, as a single mom, what is going to happen with my kid ? And not making enough money to keep body and soul together how is this going to work? Giving up the fear and worry of that and giving you ... The creative space to think about how that would work, and the sense of being forgiven and starting fresh knowing that gradually some of those old ways were being lifted and very slow fashion.

Rachel: Healing and times of awareness but it sort of was underlined by that communion process.

858–

And sometimes sort of fed by that communion process … over a period of year’s thing and because

866

our church didn’t do communion every week it was probably 8 or 9 times a year … enough spaces in between there that as I looked back I could see progress and growth each time I gave something up … it was taking in forgiveness or it was taking in strength or it was taking in hope.

191 Rachel: I remember giving my dad to god and saying I can’t fix this and remember the feeling that

874–

that is one of the best things I did because even my dad didn’t need me to fix. My dad needed God to 879 fix and I needed God to fix and that was really a powerful time, I remember sitting in the people church this was in Brookfield and there was a woman next to me and I was just a blubbering mess and she looked at me and she didn’t say a word.

Rachel: I think so but it will also both were true, there were time that I wanted to take it back but I

1051–

had learned that sometimes I make my own rules to help me remember what I have given up and it is 1056 like you have given it up, then you have given it back, don’t take it back and if you take it back just put it down again. No big shame on you but just remember and put it back, this is not yours anymore you have given it up and that was a hard little booger to give up.

Paul: I think it, I think it kind of goes in peaks and valleys

801

Paul: But, but it, what it does is, what it did, it, it, it humbles me, to not resort back to my old self

830

where I tried to blame everybody else and not myself.

Ben: And so what I finally realized is you know this whole thing of sin and confession all that was

689–

you know what I really had to do was going into confession and just say I did such and such and

692

they will say for our fathers that really how to it varies and that was it. I started realizing that actually this is a pretty easy way to kind of clear my conscious.

Sudden Mary: And really heard and understood about Communion, Grace and all that. And I was just like in 172– awe, flood opening up, you know that... that He really had been calling me all that time and I

174

didn’t... I didn’t know what that pull was Mary: One time after that, it just... I was just able to -- all of the sudden I think “Oh my gosh” I

1296

mean, I’m hurting, or the congregation is hurting about ... All the different things when on when he was here. ... But then I looked at it from his point of view and what he lost.

Mary: So anyway I just feel like I could start to move forward. And it just all like...all of the sudden, 1331– I went gone up for a communion and I came back and I was praying and I just saw -- I mean it

1334

wasn’t okay but it was okay I can move on. I could let go. ... It was very freeing Ruth: That particular year I was wrestling with things and that communion, when we were coming

520–

up to partake and he got down on his knees to serve us and just took the wind out of me. It took all

527

192 of the all of the sense of not belonging was just crap, and the sense of not maybe being, not really belonging, not being good enough to be there, if you know what I mean that we do to ourselves sometimes. It was just totally welcome and I belonged absolutely and the notion with somebody with that kind of spiritual power one way to describe what he exudes, would be on his knees to serve was just a really transformative thing for me Paul: Boy, I just remember bawling my eyes out when I did it … and, and, and feeling, feeling such 642– a, a weight lifted off my shoulders and you know, because you know, it happened. I accepted Christ

660

in my life when I was 35 years old, roughly.34, 35 and, and before that, you know, I’d, you know, some of that bitterness you know, I treated people poorly. And, and I, I felt guilt for a long time for the way, you know, I treated people and stuff like that. And when I took communion that first time, or there’s even, you could even call this part kind of communion, is when I did a dying moment, at the Walk to Emmaus. I remember asking God for forgiveness for the way I treated my parents and that was huge for me. Because for the longest time I just, I blamed them for everything. And I never really stood back and looked at myself, and, and said, well, you know, you were kind of crappy to your parents during that time too.

Paul: I remember asking God for forgiveness for the way I treated my parents, and, and that was

657

huge for me Frequency and Sustenance Rachel: Daily communion somehow gave us strengths and it gave us hope and it gave us healing and 898– it gave us the way to relate to each other because we just start offering it to each other

901

Mary: We had it every day, and it was just like wow this is really powerful, this is really... it makes

877–

sense. It just felt like it was the right thing to be doing.

879

Ben: this the first sentence where is says that you call each of us to share this life giving bread which 815– nourishes and refreshes. That might be a good description of how I feel about it

816

Raw data for themes of “childhood relationships with church” Primarily positive childhood relationship with church

Line

Mary: I had always felt this pull but I didn’t quite understand it. You know why I just wanted to be

165–

there. And didn’t really understand that pulling and why. Why I felt like I wanted... needed to be there.

169

193 Primarily negative childhood relationship with church Ben: In preparation for this first holy communion, which was a lot of work and my memories were that 535– it was hard and it wasn’t particularly pleasant because the preparation included a lot of rot e

544

memorization of things out of the Baltimore catechism if you are familiar with that is that. So older catechism that was just filled with why did God make me? God made me because … Why does God love me? But I am over simplifying it. My recollection was that they seemed pretty lengthy and pretty in-depth and frankly were pretty meaningless to me as an 8-year-old. And I recall the preparation part for me included my mother helping me memorize and being able to respond to give the answers exactly as they were printed in the catechism. And she would get frustrated with me and impatient Ben: this whole concept of sin and having to go to confession and all that was related to eligibility to 551– receive communion. Because if you certainly if you are carrying around a mortal sin that definitely

553

wouldn’t do. And so that process was it sure wasn’t fun, how can an 8-year-old even understand that? … It was kind of scary … and I wasn’t looking forward to (it) something that I was— had to do … It was what we did and once we process from that point forward, the expectation was that you should go to communion every Sunday and what that also meant is that you should go to confession at least once a week.

Ben: You could not eat or drink anything after midnight or the night before so it was always this process not that I was always up till midnight anyhow that was our problem but I couldn’t eat and I

593– 97

remember being hungry. I couldn’t eat anything or drink anything expect water so there were a lot of rules and regulations that surrounded it.

Ben: So the expectation of this school is that we would attend mass every morning and communion

612–

every morning. Which meant that again because of this fasting you couldn’t eat beforehand and you

626

may have to take a little bit of breakfast with you to school and we never had thermos bottles. My mother used to take a jar and put milk in it and close it with a cap and it never worked. It always leaked. And so by the time you got to school you had this brown paper bag that was tearing because milk was leaking out and you had a sandwich that was kind of a mess. It is the start the day off that way and the confession was much more stressful and also because I can’t live a block away from the church. So this whole confession thing really got difficult I was just always I think by the time I was in 5th grade I was feeling a lot of guilt about almost everything looking at my mother cross side or seeing a picture everything was sinful. I couldn’t go to certain movies. The church at that time had this rating

194 system and every movie had certain rating and it was in the catholic newspaper that came out every week and we couldn’t go to those movies. So there is a lot of sin in my life, my interpretation of a lot aspects in my life is that they were sinful and it only got worse is I got a little older.

Ben: A priest and the kids from my homeroom came to the funeral home and said some prayers. But 1225– I remember, going back to school, and it was like business as usual. I mean, nobody ever, nobody

1227

ever asked how I was doing or attempted to …

Rachel: The tradition I grew up with is very judgmental and I always looked at communion as a

916–

place where I would be judged because it (the Bible) says, “If you have a grievance against your

930

brother or your sister, you need to clear that up and then go to communion.” Well, I never got to communion, you know. Researcher: So in the religion you grew up in do you always feel like you were never good enough to go to the table?

Rachel: Yes for sure.

Researcher: And that was something that came from your father, wasn’t it? Yeah, he didn’t go and so of course none of us did either.

Rachel: There were lots and lots of rules. I sometimes jokingly say that we had more rules than the

80–85

Pharisees … I didn’t check out the Pharisee. But it was also a life where everything was wrapped in the King James Version and we went to church every Sunday morning and every Sunday night.”

Mixed positive and negative childhood relationship with church Ruth: My father died in the beginning of my senior year in high school and very suddenly and it was 35–40 not that the church was not there for us but they did not reach out in intentional ways to certainly to me... I think my mother had some comfort from her church friends but I don’t feel as I look back on it the church did not do what it could have done as my community Ruth: I went to Sunday school did the whole thing Sundays school confirmation was a significant

27–29

event for me. I know it is not for a lot of young people but it really was, I took it very seriously and it was a very meaningful time for me Anna: I can tell you about Sunday school teachers who I can’t even remember their names but I

259–

remember their faces, and I remember how loved that they made me feel and that this was a safe

261

place to be

195 Anna: When we moved back to Michigan, we started going to the church that my parents have been 280– married in because a lot of their friends went there and they had the IWANA program. When my

300

parent... when my mom finally decided to divorce my dad ... Because she was tired of the abuse, and decided that it was over, it was the Independent Baptist Church. The pastor said, “If you divorce him, you and your children are going to hell” ... And I was there so I heard it and my mom said, I can’t live like this anymore, and they tried counseling and everything but it just didn’t work.

And ... So she left him and we got banned from the church. And it wasn’t just like you are not welcome here anymore. It was they had bus ministry, Well come pick you up, and then never showed up. Called us that morning and said were on our way and never came more than once, so we kind of got the picture. Not only did we leave but then all of these kids who are on their friends, you know who were on the fringe and friends of my mom and my dad and knew these things. They left too. They met -- this is mass exit as children left this congregation because of what they did to my mother and I will, I’m a teenager by this time.

And so they kicked us out. At this point I knew one other pastor. He was the one who married my mom and her second husband and that he was a grandfather of several of my friends. I found that that was sexually abusing his grandchildren and had been since his wife had died, at least since his wife had died. So not my friends it was their younger siblings because my friends were too old, that was it. I was done. I said, that’s it. If this is the way that God is, this is what this Christian God is like. You guys are messed up and I want no part of it, No significant childhood relationship with church Paul: I had actually moved to Chicago for a summer to live with my grandma and my great

75–82

grandmother, because my mom was getting treatment and my dad was working a lot of hours so, they thought the best thing would be to live with my grandma and my great grandma, because my great grandma lived with her mom at the time. And that was really my first prolonged experience to somebody that believed in God, and that was my great grandmother and she would pray with her rosary every day and she had, you know, stuff on the shelves that were faith based like the Virgin Mary … Therefore, so that was my first exposure to somebody that was strong in his or her faith Paul: My grandma I guess a little bit, but at that age my great grandmother was the world to me, she 102– meant everything to me and I was her first great grandchild, so she would always call me her number 104 one.

196

Raw data for category of “experiences of exclusion and inclusion” Exclusive experiences

Line

Anna: I was not a wanted child. ... I was loved sort of I mean I know that, I know that my family

183–

loves me but I was never the child that they wanted. Nobody wanted me and they told me that over

185

and over again.

Ben: I think I am excommunicated, I mean it’s...I got divorced against the law, got remarried, not by a 731– priest so I think there was a big deal I think if I went to St Robert Catholic Church and said that I think

735

why I want to join back up. I think it would be a problem. I think it would be significant problem Mary-Well, I’m sure it certainly affected me in my growing up because I wasn’t physically able to

344–

do a lot of things that my friends did.

345

Paul: I am an only child

31

Paul: So I kind of learned at a young age to take care of myself because with me being an only child 94–95 and you know if my parents hit the bars quite often.

Paul: Yeah when I was in high school, you know I was always the skinny kid, you know I was you

273–

know , my parents never took me to the orthodontist so you know I always had crooked teeth and so

275

I was made fun of and bullied a lot at school Paul: And, and I went up and I took it and I came back to the pew and stuff. And, and she didn’t say 1047– anything until, you know, we got out of the church. She said, I can’t believe you went up there and

1050

took communion, and I said, I’m a Christian. I have a relationship with Jesus Christ and nobody should tell me when and when I cannot take the blood and the body of Christ.

Rachel: So, we were kind of, we never really got inside the community. We went to school there.

123–

We had roles to play but we weren’t really part of the community

124

Rachel: We learned a lot about damnation and not much about grace and so, but I had a really hard

137–

time thinking that all these new people I was meeting who were probably more accepting of me than 140 the people that I’ve gone to school with for 5 years. How is it that they were all going to hell and I had a real, real big question about that

197 Rachel: And ... You know, it’s probably the tradition where ... We’ve come up in a simple way and it 303– is or it isn’t. It’s pretty black and white and I’ve been a gray child from the start. Or maybe living

305

color. But this black and white stuff has always been a problem for me Rachel: In lots of ways, it was very much like the church that I come out of. Lots of rules and all the 425– guys were in charge

427 Inclusive experiences

Anna: Then she died 2 days later, and I actually think she would have died the day of her 52nd

673–

anniversary which was Monday, because she died on Wednesday but I didn’t come see her. Because 680 I said I will come and see you ... But ... I am not going to probably be there till Monday or Tuesday, but I didn’t come on Monday because it was their 52nd wedding anniversary so I left her with Dave to enjoy the day together and when I showed up on Tuesday morning ... That was the first thing, I can remember if it was Jane or Kelley that said she wanted to know all day long, she kept asking where you were.

Anna: and then I walked in to see her, she said I was waiting for you and so she woke up, she had

683–

been losing consciousness in the past 24 hours and she woke up and she said I have been waiting for 685 you and I just want you to pray with me one more time Anna: I would say truly yes that being wanted is healing

1384

Ben: Ever since I was in recovery I never took the wine with the communion. The other thing at St

791–

Matthews that I noticed and I see this also at Pilgrim Church, which confirms that there is no

800

training for first communion. Little kids could receive, I mean really little kids could receive, either both or one species of communion. Same thing at Pilgrim Church, and so what I generally noticed that in the Episcopal Church and at Pilgrim unlike in the Catholic Church everybody typically receives. I mean it is part of the worship experience. You know in the Catholic church I can already recall trying to recall the last...my guess is maybe 50 percent of the people in the church would receive communion … it is inclusive and everybody seems to value that part of the worship experience for some reason, whatever it is. So I like that.

Mary: This Church family has really helped us you know really made us feel a part of the Church

847–

and really be that family away from home. You know always been there when we need it.

849

198 Rachel: And then, in the Methodist Church. We had done amazing things in the field -- social

431–

services for people with disabilities and I started that field just as all these was happening and it was

440

a lot of battle - to get funding, to get acceptance. It was special education and I wasn’t out there screaming and yelling. I was out there every day taking my people into the community and dealing with the people who rejected them and ... So having support for that in the United Methodist Church was just so powerful because there was the sense that somebody else got this. They understood and I think the thing that, the reason that I love that church was because I had this brimming desire Rachel: Even though our faith traditions are different we have experienced the power of the gospel and part of that power is in communion.”

1010– 11

Anna: I was waiting for you and so she woke up, she had been losing consciousness in the past 24

683–

hours and she woke up and she said I have been waiting for you and I just want you to pray with me

686

one more time Ruth It took all of the all of the sense of not belonging was just crap, [Laughter] and the sense of not 522– maybe being, not really belonging, not being good enough to be there, if you know what I mean that 524 we do to ourselves sometimes, just one. It was just totally welcome and I belonged absolutely Ben: It makes it well it made it special, I mean there’s no question about that, this was a big deal. I

1777–

mean finally you can receive communion.

1778

Ben: Yeah, so I could, and it was just kind of, at the time, my friend and I were both on a gluten free 1784– diet. And I just thought it was really, sensitive of the church to even think, that you know, some

1788

people have to be careful about that and … and grape juice rather than wine.

Ben: Walking out, I feel part of the community of people, who I know for the most part of pretty

821–

like-minded in terms how they like to see things go on in the world and on the other hand if I don’t

823

go I don’t feel guilty like I always did.

Paul: And a I find myself, looking, when I look at people, I, I try to, I don’t know how to put it. If, if 1008– I see somebody that’s struggling, instead of, of being, you know, selfish and just going about my day 1010 I’ll look at you know, I’ll try to see if there’s a way I can lift them up, or, or I pray for them.

199 Raw data for category for theme of “letting go of the doctrine of transubstantiation” Ben: the Episcopal church this whole issue of Transubstantiation really isn’t an issue. They don’t --I

771–

mean it is a representation.. it is not the real the body and blood of Jesus Christ as they believe in the

785

Catholic Church. I think that was also kind of a hard thing to really get. I still think a lot of people still have a hard time getting that. How can this really be what it is? But, I always went, I never did not receive communion when I went to church at St Marks, or any of Episcopal Church for that matter.

Researcher: You always feel that you were good enough?

Ben: I always felt it was good enough.

Researcher: As opposed to at the Catholic Church you sometimes you wouldn’t go because you hadn’t been into confession.

Ben: Yeah I didn’t feel that I could.

Researcher: You would not be Permitted maybe is that...

Ben: It would have been not only is it bad thing to carry around an immortal sin but to do that and go to communion that is like you know a trifecta. The trifecta of sinfulness. and since the last few months I have had a different experience with the Eucharist Ben: I am not sure. But I do know when I was going home yesterday, I raised this question with my 839– friend Christine that I raised with her in the past and there is this just kind of asking myself some

844

questions about this whole Jesus thing. Son of God and she said well, she said you know I do too but how can we call ourselves Christians if every question that, isn’t everything based on the fact that the son of God on earth, I said, yes. So I feel it is okay to be skeptical.

Paul: I cried, while I was, after I took Communion and because I realized what it was and so after

482–

that it’s, it’s taken on a whole new meaning for me. because I realized that, that it is the bod-, the, the 486 body and the blood of Christ.

Researcher: Mm-ham Paul: And I, you know, and it’s, you know, it just, it’s taken on a whole new meaning Paul: And, and, you know, and I think that’s probably why it means so much to me, cut I don’t take

1068

it lightly.

Paul: I don’t know if it was trying to prove. Well, yeah, I think it was me trying to prove something 1417– to other people, how important it was to me. So I just thought, well, the most, the best way to tell them how important this is to me is saying that that is the body and that is the blood of Christ. Then

1440

200 people will know how much it means to me. And I don’t know I ever truly believed that, but that’s what I would tell everybody because it did mean so much to me, and the pastor at Alliance was talking about it. He goes, and he said, we do not believe that the, the bread and the juice or wine are the actual body of Christ. And, he goes, the best way to think of it and he brings out his cellphone.

He said, this is a picture of my son. It’s not actually my son. It’s a picture of him. But when I look at that picture it doesn’t mean he’s any less important to me then if I were standing in front of him.

And that started the wheels turning. And, and I did a lot of praying about it.

Oh, for, for clarification, or direction or whatever. And, and I think it’s brought me closer to Christ because I don’t believe that that is the actual body and blood of Christ. But it’s a symbol and that symbol I think has helped my relation grow with him. And, and I did a lot of praying about it. Oh, for, for clarification, or direction or whatever. And, and I think it’s brought me closer to Christ because I don’t believe that that is the actual body and blood of Christ. But it’s a symbol and that symbol I think has helped my relationship grow with him.

Raw data for theme of “struggles with God” Trying to get rid of God Anna: So still remember having this conversation with God I was laying in my bed at night on

Line 292–

second semester and ... I do not need to pray to you anymore because I do not believe in you and this 295 is ridiculous that I spent every night praying to you and I have all my life. I am not going to do this anymore. This is it. We’re done and I said that was it.

Anna: I’m like okay wait a minute and so about the end of my time in grad school was when I finally 340– said, okay fine God obviously your real. I mean this is pretty much it wasn’t like, “Oh I’m a sinner and I’m so horrible and I love you and you redeem me,” It was like, “Okay, fine. Obviously you’re real and obviously every attempt that I make, all the reading I’ve done, all the talking I’ve done, all the ways that I’ve been angry at you have not amounted to anything because you are obviously real and even these sciences that I read that they’ve written these books about say that you’re real,” and I am deep love of science, I’m a science geek, right? And I was like, “Fine. If they believe it then I believe it too.” I guess I should say, what’s that prayer that Billy Graham says? “I’m a sinner? Okay I’m a sinner and I can’t do it without you,” that was it. That was my conversion to Christianity.

347

201 Ruth And I just was not involved in church at but I never lost sense that God is God. That just never 60–61 went away I tried very hard I slammed the door I... Turned my back.

God. And I think that led the foundation for healing that will come later even though after that part

811

of communion and with the sexual assault I just try to chuck God for a while.

Transformed image of God Rachel: I wasn’t sure what this was all about, everybody was doing it and I was invited to do it too.

802–

So we passed the bread and we passed it down the line in chapel and first I didn’t take it because it

811

was like it wasn’t right with God, how the church that I grew up in was, we talked about it because I didn’t know for sure that I was going to have it, and I don’t think that anybody in there knew it for sure if they were going to have it but, some did take the communion and so as I said in the chapel and having week after a week it become a place where, ... You know this people aren’t any better than me or any worse than me and they are taking communion and I think that become part of the transition to believing that there was a loving ... God. And I think that led the foundation for healing that will come later even though after that part of communion and with the sexual assault I just try to chuck God for a while.

Ben: I was thinking more in terms of my relationship with God and I think process of treatment and 230– participating in a 12 step recovery program was significant in my own spiritual development and

233

ultimately in my willingness to consider reengaging with a church community Ben: So, this is kind of giving me an opportunity to think a little bit about a particular part of my

817–

worship experience that is important. I am not real clear on how it affects me afterwards, but I do

823

know that the whole...for me the whole experience of attending a religious worship service at a church has a very positive impact and I feel somehow fulfilled. Walking out, I feel part of the community of people, who I know for the most part of pretty like-minded in terms how they like to see things go on in the world and on the other hand if I don’t go I don’t feel guilty like I always did.

Ben: she said you know I do too but how can we call ourselves Christians if every question that, isn’t 842– everything based on the fact that the son of God on earth, I said, yes. So I feel it is okay to be skeptical

844

Paul: And I carried that for a long time and a lot of bitterness because I kind of thought if there is a

154–

God, why would he take her away. You know someone that helped me through a lot of stuff and I

158

thought if there was God up there, He must not really care about me. So, I became a very bitter , selfish person after my great grandmother passed away , a lot of anger , you know , but so yeah , I

202 mean that was the one person in my life at the time that I figured I could lean on and count on and now she was gone Paul: and, and, and feeling, feeling such a, a weight lifted off my shoulders and you know, cut you

647–

know, it happened. I accepted Christ in my life when I was 35 years old, roughly? 34, 35 and, and

660

before that, you know, I’d, you know, some of that bitterness you know, I treated people poorly.

And, and I, I felt guilt for a long time for the way, you know, I treated people and stuff like that. And when I took communion that first time, or there’s even, you could even call this part kind of communion, is when I did a dying moment, at the Walk to Emmaus … And, just letting that stuff go, and … I remember asking God for forgiveness for the way I treated my parents, and that was huge for me. Because for the longest time I just, I blamed them for everything. And I never really stood back and looked at myself, and, and said, “Well, you know, you were kind of crappy to your parents during that time, too.”

Aware of relationship with God Mary: It all just seemed that then, you know, for me to pull it together. I have prayed. I have always 434– prayed. Always had a relationship with God, in talking to him all the time, you know prayers at

442

night, during the morning or during the day if I just you know... It seems like. I mean, it seems like I have always had it. But again it was just kind of a haphazard, just... it was happening but I didn’t understand it as being a relationship with God I think Mary: You know it is not... and I learned also that you know you can... questioning is good, not...

654–

just the way you question, you know that is not, you know you are still respectful and all of that but

657

that God wants you to not just follow on like sheep, you know but he wants you to think about it and to grow.

Mary: he talked about how taking the bread is accepting God’s grace, it’s just an analogy of doing

1143–

that and why would you take this little piece of bread, of God’s grace, you want a big chunk of it and 1149 stuff like that and I don’t know it just probably just the right timing for me or what that finally made sense, you know, that’s why I’m taking the bread and I’m accepting God’s grace. .And then he said that when you dip it in the wine you don’t have to dunk it all in, you just put the tip of the bread in and then it soaks it up, so it’s like soaking it up to God’s graces coming to you. That was a real visual for me

203 Mary: I just feel like, Not every time, but I feel a lot of times I just feel like I’m just filled up that God’s 1233– presence, just the Holy Spirit just kind of filled me and .Just gives me hope, encouragement.

1244

Researcher: So if you come and you’ve got worries and concerns or things on your heart you feel like those things are not so big or not so burning or --:More manageable … That I’m not doing it alone Mary: all of the sudden I think “Oh my gosh” I mean, I’m hurting, or the congregation is hurting

1297–

about ... All the different things when on when he was here. ... But then I looked at it from his point of

1313

view and what he lost. He lost, and he’s a pastor not necessarily that they aren’t human but he made this commitment to God and now look what happened and what he done. How my God might feel about it?...He doesn’t have a church. ... What God would think of him and stuff like that... but and so I thought you know, ... For some reason I just realize I didn’t have to, I don’t have to judge him and I knew that before, but I think I was in trying to make sense of everything. And I suddenly I realized during this one communion that, he’s here at church that ... You know... I don’t have to do that. God will -- he and God have their own relationship and God and he will work this out. And it made me sad for him because ... When I think about things that I’ve done wrong having to face God and then he is going to have to face God so it was just like ... That communion service allowed me let go Mary: I was still amazed about it. I mean, like how I could just... within those few seconds I just can 1350 let go of this.

Mary: In the message of ... Jesus doing this for our sins and forgiveness and ... Ask... being able to

1433

ask God to let go. He helped me to let go.

Paul: she had to know where she was at , with her health and everything and for the longest time I

126–

wondered , because she was smiling and she like , she wasn’t afraid of anything . And it took me

128

until many , many years later to realize that it was God.

Raw data for theme of “healing significant relationships and communion” Healing through surrender and forgiveness

Line

Rachel: And what happened when I did that is that, there was and healing between my dad and I,

1058–

that there was a little bit of the pressure was up and so, it wasn’t only in me it was between us. And

1067

that was important, but was so important too was that learning to leave and lay there was and seeing result was important learning for future ministry that I only hear about with pastors who are living a

204 crazy life’s and came with stories that were incredibly difficult. There is nothing that I could do and I didn’t have to, we had to do, I had to do what I didn’t have. And it ... has helped me to do ministry in some very difficult places and I want to always do it perfect and always do it right. But I don’t take it home with me either and I think that is why I can still do ministry, that doesn’t mean I forget about every person but the way that this isn’t my weight it is Gods weight because we lay it down together as best as we can Rachel: But there is a place to lay it down and then to receive in the place of that hurt help again.

1086–

And all of those things and I think the other benefit to that was that my mom could breathe a little

1089

easier because she knew that the tension between us and it is ... That tension relaxed and it was easier for us to be together.

Mary: And I suddenly I realized during this one communion that, he’s here at church that ... You

1308–

know... I don’t have to do that. God will -- he and God have their own relationship and God and he

1313

will work this out. And it made me sad for him because ... When I think about things that I’ve done wrong having to face God and then he is going to have to face God so it was just like ... That communion service allowed me let go Paul: Because of the drinking, and, and stuff like that, and instead of respecting her and, and loving

704–

her for being my Mom. I kind of went the other way, and withdrew myself and, and was very bitter

706

and angry.

Paul: I remember asking God for forgiveness for the way I treated my parents, and that was huge for 657– me. Because for the longest time I just, I blamed them for everything. And I never really stood back

660

and looked at myself, and, and said, well, you know, you were kind of crappy to your parents during that time too.

Healing through grieving in communion Anna: And so I said it is healing in a way that I know that she is—that this was important to her and 766– I know that she is one of those people that were reunited with in all time and all space and the way it 768 brings honor to her faith that we continue to do this … Anyway so the healing came in doing it over and over again and finding comfort in those memories and it is so hard and it is still hard Ruth: There is a book that informs that sensibility for me one that I read when I was a teenager and it 392– is sort of a holdover from my father this is kind of an odd rabbit trail but just stay with me for a second. My father did not go to church was not a believer but as I said it was not about him he was a

413

205 devout agnostic but he read... The Bhagavad Gita he read the Upanishads he read the Koran you know he read widely of religious writings of faith traditions and he also read science fiction and one book that was in his library that I did not read before he died but that I read shortly after he died was Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlein. And I don’t know if you are familiar with that but it is the story about a young man who was raised on Mars by Martians so has, he is an orphan of the first Martian trip and he is brought back by a second Martian expedition but he has these Martian abilities it is sort of telepathic and other things but there is a messianic element to his story and that at the end of the story he, by the end of the story he has built a community of people around him who believe in free love, which is part of it but that is not the main focus of it, but that is the part that gets all the attention when people talk about it.... But really valuing the uniqueness of the other and taking in the uniqueness of the other and... Because his movement is completely nonviolent and completely idealistic, he is murdered. He is killed... But before he goes up on the roof of this compound where they are living where he knows he is going to be killed he leaves behind his finger and they make soup and everyone partakes of his soup and so they Partake of Michael. So it has that sort of communionesque linkage with if you drink of something that has part of me in it you drink of me you take me in and I take you in.

Raw data for theme of “positive changes in themselves and in their identity” Living out a proclamation in communion

Line

Anna: And my mom said, there’s a woman who was on her third or fourth child who she was sharing 177– room with, and she said, “If this baby lives, it will be the strongest person that you have ever met in

179

your life.”

Anna: Nobody wanted me and they told me that over and over again. Now I realized that they’ve

185–

told me that story to show me that I was strong but that’s not how you interpret it when you are 6

187

years old and you hear that Anna: … afterwards he said, “I barely could hold it together, he said I don’t know how you did that

455–

and you did it and your voice was clear and strong and you didn’t hesitate,” and he said, “I don’t

464

know that I could do that. In the conversation that he and I had afterwards that I got to view it through his eyes and I saw it differently.

206 Then I was sitting there with Dee and we were having communion like we do almost every month and yeah she was going to die but heck we have known this since I met her she was going to die because she was in her 90s when I meet her, so seeing it through his eyes was different, and in some ways it gave it a fullness that I just didn’t have and experienced became more of a healing experience in that case, because it wasn’t that she was going die, but he saw a moment of comfort that I gave her that I was just so in the situation that I didn’t see it so that was the first time, it was one of the times Anna: It had never has been like that with me and Dee but at that moment it was even less like that

475–

and knowing that we were in a room with people who are not believers or at least who claim to not

484

be believers and who claim to hate almost everything I stand for, but to have them sit there and witness that. A month after Dee died Sandy came to my house and it was one of the only times in 6 and half years that she came to my house and even acknowledged me asides from those visits with her mum, and the funeral. And she talked to me, actually really had a conversation with me which was amazing, I think that I think it is all wrapped I together and I didn’t hesitate and Dee was dying and all this sounds and smells was all present and I didn’t hesitate because this was my friend and she needed me in that moment and I didn’t think the fact that other people were watching me because it wasn’t about them, it was about this moment that we had together and so yeah, a real recognition of my role was something more than just showing up with gossip about what happened at church [Laughter] or answering the question of how many did you have today?

Changed self-image Rachel: And so, when he didn’t feel worthy, we weren’t worthy either. And so, that had a huge impact 343– on how our family functioned in faith, you know? ... Because it was a very patriarchal family. I mean

46

dad, in one way or another, ruled the roost and in the church, it was the guys who had all the say Rachel: about all this. So I think it is a certain sense of accepting presence because I have always—

911–

the tradition I grew up with is very judgmental and I always looked as communion a place where I

914

would be judged because it says you have a grievance against your brother or your sister you need to clear that up and then go to communion, Well, would I ever go to communion? You know?

Rachel: I got the sense that there was this loving presence somehow connected with communion that

939–

was a total change from the idea that you were judged if you went to the table without having every

951

single thing right in your life. Well God is about Grace too and I think there is grace for us to do the

207 things we need to do through communion. I mean you leave your baggage in some way you can leave your baggage there; I don’t know that I necessarily see it that way now, now I see it more as an ongoing conversation, you know life is ongoing, it is not quite as, it was more integrated it is not as compartmentalize churches here, my faith is somewhere here over the top of it but there is life here in all this other stuff and it seems like life is more integrated now and so my faith is part of that process I think, of that integration. And I can live more honestly, because there is that integration and because I have learned how to get what I need. And I have learned that it is okay to need, it is okay to ask and you have already said and I think you get the idea of receiving has so much to do with that. And living a current life is rally a way to be healthy and to be healed, as you needed day in and a day out.

Ben: the confession was much more stressful and also because I didn’t live a block away from the

618–

church. So this whole confession thing really got difficult I was just always I think by the time I was 621 in 5th grade I was feeling a lot of guilt about almost everything looking at my mother cross-eyed or seeing a picture everything was sinful.

Ben: I don’t know if I can separate it but I think my spiritually is more important than my chastity.

424–

And that is not easy to define I think in terms of my spirituality is acknowledging my relationship

430

with a higher power and acknowledging that there is a greater power that I, to whom I look to, to whom I pray to. And my participation in the church community has supported that spiritual growth rather than you know my knowledge of the bible continues to be; now Roman Catholic Church spends no time at least in my experience. But I think when I finally decided to participate in the Episcopal Church it was after a decade of blaming the Roman Catholic Church for this, that and the other thing and dealing with some anger. About the way I was taught about the rigidity and the physical abuse which was pretty much an accepted part of the religious schooling in the 1950s and 1960s, you know our parents didn’t question you know why you got slapped behind the head by a priest. It was because you probably deserved it, you know; but after the fact, it was angered me that hum being could be treated that way.

Ben: It would have been not only is it bad thing to carry around an immortal sin but to do that and go 784– to communion that is like you know a trifecta. The trifecta of sinfulness. And since the last few months I have had a different experience with the Eucharist … I mean the words that they use, you know in terms of the consecration of bread and wine. At our church they make a point of saying it is gluten-free bread that, is good. And grape juice. It is not real wine so that was the other thing. Ever

798

208 since I was in recovery I never took the wine with the communion at St Marks. Because I just didn’t want to have any alcohol at all. The other thing at St Marks that I noticed and I see this also at The UCC, which confirms that there is no training for first communion. Little kids could receive, I mean really little kids could receive, either both or one species of communion. Same thing at The UCC Church, and so what I generally noticed that in the Episcopal Church and at The UCC unlike in the Catholic Church everybody typically receives. I mean it is part of the worship experience. You know in the Catholic church I can already recall trying to recall the last...my guess is maybe 50 percent of the people in the church would receive communion.

Sensual communion experiences Anna: At this very moment, hearing these words and seeing the bread break and hearing juice

754–

poured and that was huge for her. That was such a big part of her faith and what I found was that for 756 next actually until this last communion, this is the first time I have made it through without crying Anna: And that is the moment that I encounter the Holy Spirit the most. It is not, I mean in the

805–

prayer I feel my feelings more where I am connecting, where I am engaging in it and then you do the 807 bread and the juice Rachel: there is something about that texture of the bread in my hands and being a very tactile

813–

person and a very visual person. The touch of the bread in my hands and breaking it and the color of 817 the wine, it made the strong impression on me as how fragile the body is and how breakable is really is and this idea of the color of the wine, it does stain and so does blood.

Rachel: Oh with whatever but I guess I do but observe the texture of it and that goes way back to

1322–

childhood and I eat homemade bread every weekend. So the bread is just really tangible even though 1327 I’m allergic to gluten. That is a very tangible thing so it’s really important.

Researcher: So the bread also connects you back to your mom Rachel: And sort of you know in the whole family tradition. I mean my grandmother made bread, my mom made bread that is just how we grew up with homemade bread Rachel: Bread is the staff of life and all of that.. It is how we draw strength and how we live.

1311– 1312

Ruth: I don’t know if communion is now separated from the rest of my life, in a significant way

977–

because that notion of every time that you take a drink of something, every time you take a bite of

981

209 something that you are partaking of communion, has kind of infused in my life so life becomes communion, life becomes worship and every table is the Lord’s Table Special communion services Ruth: So Maundy Thursday there are not a whole lot of people in the worship service

131

Rachel: the most meaningful times of communion now are times when-- I love Maundy Thursday.

965–

There is this, (long pause) how do you put the mystery in words? I’m not sure how you do that. But

972

that idea that you have a clean slate—that every day is a new start, I think that is a piece of it, and the other thing that strikes me about Maundy Thursday is that we are in this community together, and I mean we are always in community together, sort of, but there is something different about that Maundy Thursday community, not everybody shows up, there is just a certain core people who do and there is a certain spirit that fills that place.

Mary: the difference about having a communion at an Emmaus event and having communion in

1097–

church. Or having communion within a Emmaus pastor and having communion with someone who

1106

has an experienced an Emmaus, and that during—there is so much, there’s more joy in an Emmaus event and people are smiling and kind of laugh, giggling. And what we’re doing there’s seems much joy that just brings out, you know, the giggles and what we’re doing and stuff. Where in church and it just seems like it so, it just always seem like you had to be so serious.

Serving communion to others Ben: I was also chalice bearer, and maybe I didn’t mention this but I would also, take communion to, 1760– people who couldn’t come to church, and then I would give both, the bread and the wine, people in hospitals, people who are not able to go to church … by participating in both of those things, by actively doing both of those things. I think, I, it gave me a different perspective than just being out in the congregation. I mean, I was actually engaging in the in the, in the process … it was making the effort to [COUGH] kind, kind of do an extra thing. I mean sometimes you would have to drive a long ways to somebody’s, other time it was a drive nearby. So there was this need to be willing to, to do that, to in addition, cut it was, you know, you would, the, the, the, the priest would give you the, a little bag with the stuff in it right towards the end of the service, and the expectation was that you would go right from there to visit that person and, so that kind of extended your Sunday morning ….

Participation by doing that extra thing. So that, you know, that took some willingness to even do

1789

210 that, but then, you know, you’re visiting people who maybe haven’t had a visitor in some time, mostly older people, you know, who were grateful.

Ruth: I feel as immediately as connected as I do when I step forward and receive the bread and make

632–

the action of dipping it in the cup. I’m not passively sitting in the pew waiting for it to come to me, and 641 I’m coming forward to acknowledge that to acknowledge that I’m in need of this, I celebrate this.

There is something really wonderful about that, I have served communion a couple of times since we talked last, and I love serving communion. Because, especially in my own church where I know people, to look into someone’s eyes and to offer them the bread of life, this is the bread broken for you, Kate. Saying their name, this is the cup of salvation, cup of the new covenant poured out for you Jenny Ruth: I love serving because you see so many different ways that people approach and experience

650

communion Ruth: Yes, that is true, that communion shared in a circle is a different experience when you are

1714–

serving one another than when you are sitting in a church sanctuary. It is more intimate, it is more

1717

shared, it is more communal [Laughs] it is a shared communal, all of those.

Mary: And our pastor here he would call me up to serve sometimes, and so then I would call people 1694– by name and that kind of changed. By us doing that, there was a change, slowly a change of attitude 1702 about communion. People still don’t want it all the time in this church but afterwards people come out and say, that was so nice that you called me by name.

Clarifications, modifications, corrections and responses from member checks Clarifications

Line

Mary: They were engaged with and how they were very supportive and encouraging but not just not 1668– participating in church in that part

1669

Ben: No, I think the only thing that you said in there that [COUGH] I wasn’t completely accurate at 1104– all, though I might have said it. Is that [COUGH] as a child I, I think I said that I didn’t feel I could talk to my parents about, [COUGH] my experiences with nuns and priests

1107

211 Memories of parents’ deaths and legacies Ruth: My mother looked at her life and said oh look at that blessing, oh look at that blessing, I got to 1782– go to summer camp every summer, I got to have this relationship with this woman who ran the

1791

orphanage and I got to—everything for mom was abundance. So dad lived large and dad saw everything as blessings, so I come by it sort of [Laughter] naturally … That sense of just, I laugh, I giggle a lot, I think it just bubbles over. It just bubbles out of you like a bubble pipe [Laughter] you would blow and it would go [PH] and it would blow over the table. [Crosstalk] there is a great image that I think it comes from Annie Lamont of “carbonated holiness.”

Ben: More so when I, listening to you today, read that back to me. I mean, it, it, yeah, it was. It, it, it

1199–

just. It just brought back a lot of memories of everything that was going on in my life at that time,

1254

because also, my father was quite ill then, and so there was, oh.

Researcher: Well, and you know, we didn’t really talk about that much at all, and I don’t know if it was that I wanted to stay away from it out of respect for you.

Ben: Mm-hm.

Researcher: Or if it was just not quite as important to the topic. But, and I don’t know, is there something more about that, that you think is relevant to think about as you know, you’re talking about this, childhood experience. And I mean you can’t, communion was just like one piece of it.

Ben: Yeah, yeah. That, you know, it’s interesting you bring that up cut I was, I was talking to somebody about this. I believe it was my friend Chris how [COUGH] so my father died, and my mother, was very stoic about it. [COUGH] And kind of, granted my father had been ill quite a bit through their relatively short marriage. It was like she just said, okay, we’re going to do an about face here and just move forward. And I don’t recall my mother ever talking about my father’s death afterwards. But also, it was almost the same thing at school. I mean, I was gone from school for what, a week or something like that. And, on one day, the funeral home was right near my high school, so the, a priest and the kids from my homeroom came to the funeral home and said some prayers. But I remember, going back to school, and it was like business as usual. I mean, nobody ever. Nobody ever asked how I was doing or attempted to …. So yeah, so, what, I don’t know, what is the, what is the interaction with my father’s health and death and, and church. It all seems kind of really, you know … intertwined. When I think of his funeral, it was just another example of the way the Roman Catholic Church conducted business at the time. And, and you know, funerals were unlike now, where we tend

212 to celebrate somebody’s life. After they have passed away, then, it was a very ominous sober, experience. You know, the priest wore black vestments. And, the, we were still, the mass was still, everything was still in Latin then. And, you know, there was a very specific ceremony, surrounding a funeral, and I, I just remember, you know, I mean, there was a lengthy piece of music that is sung. That was sung at funerals then called the Dies Irae, and you know, I can hear it, I, I can hear it today. So I’m not sure where I’m going with this, other than I think it was kind of consistent with my overall experiences in the Catholic Church. One of, fear and guilt, and lack of joy.

Anna: So she did, she had the bread and she had the juice and she put the little cup in, you know in

1300–

the little holders and she just felt like she was grown up and she looked so grown up to me even

1303

though she was just this little toddler preschooler and then afterwards I turned to her and I said, How do you feel she said, I feel filled up with God’s Love Mary: This intimacy has made to communion more meaningful … and also I want to share with you 1703– that at my daughter ‘s wedding, June first, instead of the family they light, the unity candle. Or the

1711

sand? Their unity was to have, well we had communion during their service. It was their idea to have both of the mothers serve communion with them. So she and I served one side and Jody and his mother served the other side. And so that was neat. There were a lot of comments about that afterwards that it was very cool …. It was just very cool seeing all of our friends there. And I was very tearful when she asked me.

Changes Paul: I, I don’t want to say I think that was holding me back, but I think it was (pause) It was making 1465– me hard. It was making it harder for me. to further myself in, in certain areas by hinging everything

1476

on that is the body and that is the blood. And like I said I think now that I, I view it as a symbol it doesn’t mean that it’s any less important. I mean. But it’s helped my relationship with It’s, it’s helped me grow stronger with him, and to rely on him more, and to talk to him more. And it’s, it’s I just, I like where my faith is heading, Because my relationship with him is stronger now Responses to the Researcher Anna: Oh well, I enjoyed this

1624

Mary … after talking to you about this my awareness of communion and my connection with it, and 1721– so when they came up with that was like wow, that is really powerful and I am so excited.

1722

213 Ben: Well thank you for the invitation, I, I appreciate the opportunity it’s given me an opportunity

1807

to, you know, to think about it.

Paul: No thank you it was, this has actually been kind of fun.

1639

Rachel: It will be great to see how this whole thing comes out.

1359

Ruth: This is what I want to say, you have in writing down what I have shared with you, you have

1868–

reflected back my life in ways that have grace and honesty.

1869

214

References Achterberg, J., Dombrowe, C. Krippner, S., (2008) Whole person health care: The Role of rituals in psychotherapy. Westport, CT: Praeger Perspectives Anderson, J. W. (2007). Harmful versus beneficial religion: A psychoanalytic perspective. The Annual of Psychoanalysis, 35, 121–136.

Beauregard, M., & O’Leary, D. (2007). The spiritual brain: A neuroscientist’s case for the existence of the soul. New York, NY: HarperCollins.

Bell, C. (1997). Ritual: Perspective and dimensions. New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

Bieler, A., & Schottroff, L. (2007). The Eucharist: Bodies, bread and resurrection.

Minneapolis, MN: Fortress Press.

Bloomberg, L, & Volpe, M. (2012). Completing your qualitative dissertation: A road map from beginning to end. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications, Ic. Bollas, C. (1987). The shadow of the object. New York, NY: Columbia University Press.

Bowers, M. (1963). Conflicts of the clergy. New York, NY: Thomas Nelson and Sons.

Bowie, M. (1991). Lacan. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

Brown, N. O. (1985). Life against death. Middletown, CT: Wesleyan University Press.

Bruner, J. S. (1990). Acts of meaning. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

Butler, J. (2005). Giving account of oneself. New York, NY: Fordham University Press.

215 Carveth, D.(2001) The Unconscious need for punishment: expression or evasion of the sense of guilt? Psychoanalytic Studies, 3(1) PP. 9-21.

Cavanaugh, W. (1998). Torture and Eucharist. Malden, MA: Blackwell.

Chauvet, L. (2001). The sacraments: The word of God at the mercy of the body.

Collegeville, MN: Liturgical Press.

Clay, A. (2010). Theism vs. naturalism: Psychologists debate their disciplines stance toward God. Monitor on Psychology, 41(5), 16. Retrieved from http://www .apa.org/monitor/2010/05/god.aspx.

Coriden, J. A., Green, T. J., & Heintschel, D. E. (1985). Code of Canon Law: A text and commentary. Mahwah, NJ: Paulist Press.

Creswell, J. (1998) Qualitative inquiry and research design: Choosing among five traditions. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.

Deflem, M. (1991). Ritual, anti-structure, and religion: A discussion of Victor Turner’s processual symbolic analysis. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, 30(1), 1–25.

Denzin, Norman K. (2001). Interpretive Interactionism (Applied Social Research Methods) 2nd Edition. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.

Douglas, M. (1966). Purity and danger. London, England: Routledge.

Douglas, M. (1970). Natural symbols. London, England: Routledge.

Durkheim, E. (2001). The elementary forms of religious life: A new translation (C. Cosman, Trans.). Oxford, England: Oxford University Press. (Original work published 1912) Fairbairn, W.R.D. (1952). Psychoanalytic studies of the personality. London: Routledge.

216 Forster, S.E. and Carveth, D. (1999). Christianity: a Kleinian perspective. Canadian Journal of Psychoanalysis. 7 (2), 187-218.

Freud, S. (1962). Totem and Taboo. In J. Strachey (Ed. and Trans.), The standard edition of the complete psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, (Vol, 13, pp. vii-162) London, England: Hogarth Press. (Original work published 1913.) ______. (1962). Remembering, repeating and working-through: Further recommendations on the technique of psychoanalysis. In J. Strachey (Ed. and Trans.), The standard edition of the complete psychological works of Sigmund Freud (Vol 12) London, England: Hogarth Press. (Original work published 1914.) ______. (1962). Instincts and their vicissitudes. In J. Strachey (Ed. and Trans.), The standard edition of the complete psychological works of Sigmund Freud (Vol. 14, pp. 117-140) London, England: Hogarth Press. (Original work published in 1915.) ______. (1962). Mourning and melancholia. In J. Strachey (Ed. and Trans.), The standard edition of the complete psychological works of Sigmund Freud. ( Vol. 14, pp. 237-258) London, England: Hogarth Press. (Original work published in 1917.) ______. (1962). Beyond the pleasure principle. In J. Strachey (Ed. and Trans.), The standard edition of the complete psychological works of Sigmund Freud. (Vol 18, pp. 1-64.) London, England: Hogarth Press. (Original work published in 1920.)

217 ______. (1962). The future of an illusion. In J. Strachey (Ed. and Trans.), The standard edition of the complete psychological works of Sigmund Freud. (Vol, 21, pp. 156) London, England: Hogarth Press. (Original work published in 1927.) ______. (1929). A religious experience. In J. Strachey (Ed. and Trans.), The standard edition of the complete psychological works of Sigmund Freud. (Vol. 21, pp. 64145. London, England: Hogarth Press. (Original work published in 1929.) ______. (1962) Three essays on the theory of sexuality. (1905). In J. Strachey (Ed. and Trans.), The standard edition of the complete psychological works of Sigmund Freud. (Vol. 7, pp. 64-145. London, England: Hogarth Press. (Original work published in 1905.)

Geertz, C. (1973). The interpretation of cultures. New York, NY: Basic Books.

Grimes, R. (2002). Deeply into the bone: Re-inventing rites of passage. Berkley, CA, University of California Press.

Grundy, C. (2006). God’s resilient table: Male violence against women and the embodied logic of Holy Communion (Unpublished doctoral dissertation). Garrett Evangelical Theological Seminary, Evanston, IL. Hoffman, I. Z. (2009). Doublethinking our way to “scientific” legitimacy: The desiccation of human experience. Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association, 57, 1043–1069. doi:10.1177/0003065109343925 International Federation of Social Workers. (2010). Global definition of social work.

Retrieved from http://ifsw.org/policies/definition-of-social-work/ James, W. (1902). The varieties of religious experience: A study in human nature. New York, NY: Longmans, Green, and Co.

218 Jay, N. (1992). Throughout your generations forever: Sacrifice, religion and paternity.

Chicago, IL: University of Chicago Press.

Jones, J. W. (2002). Terror and transformation: The ambiguity of religion in the psychoanalytic perspective. New York, NY: Routledge.

Jonte-Pace, D. (2001). Speaking the unspeakable: Religion, misogyny and the uncanny mother in Freud’s cultural texts. Berkeley: University of California Press.

Kernberg, O. F. (1998). Aggression, hatred, and social violence. Canadian Journal of Psychoanalysis, 6, 191–206.

Klein, M. (1974). Envy, gratitude and other works, 1946-1963, New York, NY, The Free Press.

Kohut, H. (1977). The restoration of the self. New York, NY: International Universities Press.

Kramer, P. (2006). Freud: inventor of the modern mind. New York, NY: HarperCollins Atlas Books.

Kristeva, J. (1982). Powers of horror: An essay on abjection. New York, NY: Columbia University Press.

Maroda, K. J. (1999). Seduction, Surrender, and Transformation: Emotional Engagement in the Analytic Process. New York, NY: Routledge.

McCauley, R., & Lawson E. (2002). Bringing ritual to mind: Psychological foundations of cultural forms. Cambridge, England: Cambridge University Press.

McLeod, J. (2001). Qualitative research in counselling & psychotherapy. London, England: Sage.

219 McWilliams, N. (1994). Psychoanalytic diagnosis: understanding personality structure in the clinical process. New York, NY, Guilford Press.

Meissner, W. W. (1979). Narcissistic personalities and borderline conditions: A differential diagnosis. The Annual of Psychoanalysis, 7, 171–202.

Mitchell, S. A. (1998). Aggression and the endangered self. Psychoanalytic Inquiry, 18, 21–30. doi:10.1080/07351699809534167 National Association of Social Workers. (1996). Code of ethics. Retrieved from https:// www.socialworkers.org/pubs/code/default.asp Nolsaso, R., (2002) Interpreting the transforming function fo the Eucharist using Winnicott’s object relations theory and Neville’s theory of religious symbols.

Boston University School of Theology, Boston, MA. Palombo, J.(2006). Intimacy, self-object and mindsharing. Self Psychology , Chicago Pargament, K. (1997). The psychology of religion and coping: Theory, research, practice. New York, NY: Guilford Press.

Pargament, K., Feuille, M., & Burdzy, D. (2011). The Brief RCOPE: Current psychometric status of a short measure of religious coping. Religions, 2(1), 51– 76. doi:10.3390/rel2010051 Pruyser, P. W. (1974). Between belief and unbelief. New York, NY: Harper & Row. Raphling, D. (1998). Aggression: Its Relation to Desire and Self-Interest. J. Amer.

Psychoanal. Assn., 46:797-811.

Rizzuto, A.(1976). Freud, God, the devil, and the theory of object representation.

International Review of Psycho-Analysis, 3, 165–180.

Rizzuto, A. (1979). The birth of the living God. Chicago, IL: University of Chicago Press.

220 Rizzuto, A. (1998). Why did Freud reject God? A psychodynamic interpretation. New Haven, CT: Yale University Press.

Robertson-Smith, W. (1972). The religion of the Semites: The fundamental institutions.

New York, NY: Shoecken Press. (Original work published 1889) Rogers, T. (2006). Turner_Ritual_Process.mmap. Retrieved from people.envision .purdue.edu/~tjrogers/COM632/maps/Turner_Ritual_Process_map.pdf Róheim, G. (1947). Psychoanalysis and the social sciences. New York, NY: International Universities Press.

Ross, M. E., & Ross, C. L. (1983). Mothers, infants, and the psychoanalytic study of ritual. Signs, 9, 26–39. doi:10.2307/3173661.

Shedler, J. (2010). The efficacy of psychodynamic psychotherapy. The American Psychologist, 65, 98–109. doi:10.1037/a0018378 Smith, J. A., Flowers, P., & Larkin, M. (2009). Interpretative phenomenological analysis.

London, England: Sage.

Solms, M. (2006). Freud and Bullitt: An unknown manuscript, Journal of the American Association of Psychoanalysis, 54(4), 1263.

Stern, D. N. (1985). The interpersonal world of the infant: A view from psychoanalysis and developmental psychology. New York, NY: Basic Books.

Stone, P. F. (2006). The meal that heals. Cleveland, TN: Voice of Evangelism Outreach Ministries.

Strachey, J., Freud, A., Strachey, A., & Tyson, A. (2001). The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud: Case history of Schreber, “Papers on technique” and other works (Vol. 12, pp. ii–vii).

221 Symington, N. (1993). Narcissism: A new theory. London, England: H. Karnac Books, Ltd. Tolleson, J. (1996). The transformative power of violence: The psychological role of gang life in relation to chronic traumatic childhood stress in the lives of urban adolescent males (Doctoral dissertation). Smith College School of Social Work, Northampton, MA. Turner, V. (1969). The ritual process: Structure and anti-structure. New Brunswick, NJ: Aldine.

Ullman, C. (1989). The transformed self: The psychology of religious conversion. New York, NY: Plenum Press.

Winnicott, D. W. (1960). The theory of the parent–infant relationship. International Journal of Psycho-Analysis, 41, 585–595.

Winnicott, D. W. (1967). The location of cultural experience. International Journal of Psycho-analysis, 48, 368–372.

Yin, R. K. (2008). Case study research: Design and methods, Vol. 5: Applied social research methods. Retrieved from http://www.loc.gov/catdir/toc/ecip0817 /2008019313.html