PIOTROWSKI, MICHELLE — SELFOBJECT EXPERIENCE IN LONG-TERM FRIENDSHIPS OF MIDLIFE WOMEN

Institute for Clinical Social Work

Selfobject Experience in Long-Term Friendships of Midlife Women

A Dissertation Submitted to the Faculty of the Institute for Clinical Social Work in Partial Fulfillment for the Degree of Doctor of Philosophy

By Michelle Piotrowski

Chicago, Illinois December, 2015

Abstract This phenomenological study offers an in depth exploration of how thirteen midlife females experienced their long-term friendships. This study presents new insight into the function of friendship on developmental tasks of midlife and how selfobject needs continue throughout midlife. Offering a psychodynamic understanding of friendship deepens therapeutic understanding of self.

There are seven major findings: 1. Selfobject needs are met in friendships. Homogeneity among friends offers opportunities for mirroring and twinship selfobject experiences. Heterogeneity between friends offers opportunities for mirroring and idealizing selfobject experiences.

2. Individuals in midlife continue to seek opportunities to address early needs through current friendships.

3. Having a long-term friend bear witness to shared experiences over time helps to organize a coherent narrative of one’s experiences.

4. Selfobject functions are internalized over time.

5. Crucial personal and relationship development continues throughout midlife.

6. Continuity is a key aspect of these friendships.

7. All of these factors promote structure building and cohesion strengthening encouraging a continued consolidation of the self.

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For my parents, for Chris Oblak, and for the girlies

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Acknowledgments

Many thanks to the committee who vigorously strengthened the study through their wisdom and thoughtful consideration: James Lampe, for his calm nature and poised direction. His ability to make each step of this process seem doable, while endless questions were spewed upon him, was a crucial component to its completion. Ida Roldรกn, for her serious reflection of and discussion about all aspects of the study. The time devoted to thinking deeply about then pondering with me never went unnoticed.

Amy Eldridge, for her ability to challenge me to think of the data in new ways. Just when all options of understanding the data seemed exhaustively examined, renewed enthusiasm was sparked. Denise Duval, for her clear and timely direction and helping to organize the vast amount of data. Both specific and broad suggestions resulted in a much more readable and understandable study. Connie Goldberg, for her caring interest and support as well as her expert input on theory. Her interest in events both professional and personal touched me deeply and resulted in improved confidence.

Much appreciation to my cohort as we walked down this road together. Each of you made me better. Deepest gratitude to CO, for finding a variety of ways to ease this challenging scholarly journey and making it quite fun.

MP

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Table of Contents

Page Abstract .............................................................................................................................. ii Acknowledgments ............................................................................................................ iv List of Tables ................................................................................................................... xii List of Figures………………………………………………………………..……...…xiii Chapter I. Introduction ........................................................................................................1 General Statement of Purpose Significance of the Study to Clinical Social Work Statement of the Problem and Objectives Achieved Research Questions Theoretical and Operational Definitions of Major Concepts Statement of Assumptions

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Table of Contents—Continued

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II. Literature Review ...........................................................................................18 Characteristics and Functions of Friendship Benefits of Friendship Existing Literature on Friendship Homogeneity versus Heterogeneity Friendship Development across the Lifespan Psychoanalytic Perspectives on Friendship Summary of Psychoanalytic Concepts that Pertain to Friendship Theoretical and Conceptual Framework of the Study Summary of the Theoretical Framework through the Lens of Friendship

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Table of Contents—Continued

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III. Methodology ..................................................................................................59 Study Design Scope of Study, Population and Sampling Data Collection Methods and Instruments Steps of Data Analysis Approach to Data Presentation Ethical Considerations Evaluation Criteria The Role and Background of the Researcher IV. Results .............................................................................................................79 Results of Participant Population: Demographics Results of Participant Population: Contextual Summary of Results of the Participant Population: Demographic and Contextual Participant Summaries Results: Raw Data

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Table of Contents—Continued Chapter

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V. Analysis ............................................................................................................94 Introduction: Five Themes Theme One: The Role of Differences: How and Why Opposites Attract Summary of Theme One Theme Two: The Role of Similarities—How and Why Birds of a Feather Flock Together Summary of Theme Two Themes One and Two: Compare and Contrast Theme Three: The Role of Midlife in Personal and Friendship Development Summary of Theme Three Theme Four: The Role of “Long-Term” in Long-Term Friendship in Personal and Friendship Development Summary of Theme Four Theme Five: The Role of Ten Surprising Key Features of the Friendships— Crucial Aspects of the Friendship Expressed Unprompted by Participants Summary of Theme Five Summary of Results and Analysis of Themes: The Essence of the Phenomenon

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Table of Contents—Continued

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VI. Interpretation of Findings ..........................................................................184 Interpretation of Findings from a Theoretical Perspective: Seven Findings FINDING 1: Selfobject Needs Are Met in Friendships FINDING 2: Individuals in Midlife Continue to Seek Opportunities to Address Early Unmet Needs through Current Friendships FINDING 3: Having a Long-Term Friend Bear Witness to Shared Experiences over Time Helps to Organize a Coherent Narrative of One’s Psychology, Relationships, and Experiences FINDING 4: Selfobject Functions Are Internalized over Time FINDING 5: Development Does in Fact Continue throughout Midlife FINDING 6: Continuity Is an Important Aspect of These Friendships FINDING 7: All of These Factors (Meeting Selfobject Needs and Internalizing Them over Time, Addressing Early Unmet Needs, Creating a Coherent Narrative, and Experiencing Continuity over Time) Promote Structure Building and Cohesion Strengthening Contributing to a Continued Consolidation of the Self

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Table of Contents—Continued

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VII. Implications and Conclusions ...................................................................211 Major Theoretical Implications Theoretical Implications through the Lens of Life Course Theory and SelfPsychology: The Conceptual Framework of the Study Summary of Theoretical Implications Data that Differed from Expectations Clinical Implications Summary of Clinical Implications Researcher’s Response to Findings Validity & Limitations of Study Limitations and Delimitations Ideas for Future Research Conclusion

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Table of Contents—Continued

Appendices

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A. Script for Recruitment..................................................................................245 B. Script for Brief Screening Interview ...........................................................247 C. Script for Informed Consent ........................................................................249 D. Informed Consent Form ...............................................................................252 E. Interview Guideline .......................................................................................256 References ...........................................................................................................261

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List of Tables

Table

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1. Frequency of Reported Categories Prompted by Interview Questions.....................91 2. Frequency of Reported Categories Unprompted by Interview Questions………....93

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List of Figures

Figure

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1. Visual Summary of Results and Findings: The Role of Differences…..................207 2. Visual Summary of Results and Findings: The Role of Similarities…..................208 3. Visual Summary of Results and Findings: The Role of Midlife….…..................209 4. Visual Summary of Results and Findings: The Role of Long-Term….................210

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Chapter I

Introduction General Statement of Purpose The purpose of this phenomenological study is to describe midlife females’ experience in long-term friendships and the meaning they ascribe to that experience. Midlife was defined as 40-60 years of age and long-term was defined as 20 or more years in the friendship. The study sought to understand how females in long-term friendships perceive the function of their friend’s similarities and differences in personality, specifically as it relates to how one’s needs are met. The influence of similarities and differences in personality were considered in terms of essential selfobject needs and functions.

Significance of the Study for Clinical Social Work Deepening our psychodynamic understanding of friendships in midlife, including the heterogeneity and homogeneity of these relationships, will lead to improved therapeutic outcomes thus making this study significant to clinical social work. Currently, there is little research in this area. This study is significant to clinical social work in the following ways:

1. Provides an understanding of how friendships become a protective factor

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against the impact of stress 2. Elucidates therapeutic uses of understanding friendships 3. Contributes to the literature on the heterogeneity and homogeneity of friendships 4. Attends to the gap in the literature on midlife females’ experience with friendship 5. Offers a psychodynamic understanding of friendships 6. Facilitates social workers’ understanding of the importance of maintaining friendships.

Provides an understanding of how friendships become a protective factor against the impact of stress.

The ability to initiate and sustain friendships is considered a buffer against the impact of stress and mental illness. The benefits of friendship have been widely studied.

Friendships contribute to happiness (Demir & Weitekamp, 2006) and are a valuable social support (Schnall, Harber, Stefanucci, & Proffitt, 2008). It is a relationship that is said to shield against relational aggression (Bollmer, Milich, Harris, & Maras, 2005; Schmidt & Bagwell, 2011) and problematic family relationships (Sherman, Lansford, & Volling, 2006). Although there is ample evidence of the benefits of friendship,

understanding this relationship from a qualitative, psychodynamic perspective was

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virtually unexplored.

Elucidates therapeutic uses of understanding friendships.

Despite the benefits of friendship, an examination of one’s friendships is often overlooked in therapy. Therefore, by furthering one’s understanding of friendships, this study can deepen therapeutic work with clinical populations. Understanding and developing friendship skills in the therapeutic setting have been proven to aid in the treatment response of anxious children (Baker & Hudson, 2013) as well as reducing situational violence in low-income couples (Bradley & Gottman, 2012). Promoting friendship as a protective factor has important clinical implications and could be a key to therapeutic success. It could build resilience and reduce the need for mental health services that continue to be underfunded and often inaccessible.

In describing friendship experiences in an adult population, I raised questions about unconscious process, specifically about unconscious unmet needs in the development of the self and how they are processed within the relational context of close, meaningful friendships. “Psycho-analysis shows that there are deep unconscious motives which contribute to the choice of a love-partner…” (Klein & Riviere, 1964, p. 87). This same unconscious process exists in friendship choices. Individuals are not conscious of why they choose to maintain friendships with certain individuals and lack an understanding of

the qualities in their friends to which they are reacting (Reader & English, 1947).

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This study can help therapists examine not only early and romantic relationships, but also friendships. In doing so, it can inform the therapist’s understanding about potential unconscious processes. If a therapist can assist in making this material conscious, then one is more likely to achieve improved psychological and emotional functioning. After identifying unconscious needs that are seeking fulfillment in others, the therapist and client can then explore the meaning of those unmet or continued needs. They are then better equipped to work to meet those needs in healthy ways.

Examining friendships can also facilitate understanding of family relationships, “Since the friend is often perceived as a substitute symbolic representation of the patient’s maternal and/or paternal parental imago, genetic reconstructions can at times be made from the information garnered concerning the narcissistic patient’s relationship with his or her friend” (Hymer, 1984, p. 424). A therapist might learn more about an individual by examining what is being projected onto one’s friends, particularly in narcissistic friendship dyads (Hymer, 1984). Klein and Riviere (1964) discuss how young children might use their new experiences with friendship as an opportunity to “redo” problematic early experiences with siblings.

In addition to exploring unconscious processes and early relationships through the examination of one’s friendship, Millet (1951) suggests that the exploration of friendships could offer unique access into understanding one’s current expectations of

self and others. Wilda (2006) examined the philosophical foundations of male

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friendships and asserted that further research is needed on how to make meaning of one’s experience with friendship in the psychotherapeutic context. Expanding social workers’ understanding of the experience of friendships will likely alert them to the exploration of another road to deepen therapeutic understanding of self.

Contributes to the literature on the heterogeneity and homogeneity of friendships.

This study provides valuable information on friendships that is currently unavailable, the heterogeneity of friendships. It also adds to what we know about the homogeneity of friendships. Sherman, de Vries, & Lansford (2000) note that the literature has failed to consider not only whether there are ways in which friends are different from one another, but also how those differences might contribute to improved functioning. Contributing to the literature by studying not only whether, but also how similarities and differences contribute to getting one’s needs met is valuable.

Attends to the gap in the literature on midlife females’ experience with friendship.

When friendships have been studied, the focus has been on children, adolescents, young adults, and the elderly. “Friendships during mid-life are especially understudied”

(Sherman, de Vries, & Lansford, 2000, p. 35). Studying friendships in midlife is

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important in order to understand the developmental impact of these friendships and the impact of these friendships on development. Some propose the developmental tasks and pressures of midlife are contributors to the high rate of depression in this population.

Despite this, most psychodynamic theories only focus on the early years of development.

However, a self-psychological perspective suggests that certain developmental needs (selfobject needs) must be responded to throughout the lifespan. This approach, according to Galatzer-Levy & Cohler (1990), â€œâ€Ścarries rich possibilities for understanding adult psychology and therefore also for clinical workâ€? (p. 107). Failures to meet these continued needs may interfere with adult development and demand a therapeutic response (Galatzer-Levy & Cohler, 1990). Understanding friendship, not only as a factor in improving resiliency, but also as a way of understanding an individual developmentally, has significant clinical implications.

Offers a psychodynamic understanding of friendship.

Few psychodynamic thinkers have addressed friendship and even fewer have addressed friendship from a self-psychological perspective. Unconscious processes that ensue in friendships have been largely ignored. When friendships have been considered through a psychodynamic lens, they have involved clinical observations and experience, not research. Wilda (2006) is one of few researchers to study friendships from a

psychodynamic perspective; however, he studied only men and focused on the

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philosophical underpinnings of these friendships. Also, literature on the topic has typically focused on clinical populations instead of healthy individuals. This study fills in a gap and thus is important as a contribution to the existing body of knowledge.

The influence of similarities and differences in personality were examined in terms of essential selfobject needs and functions. Hagman (1951) is one of few psychodynamic writers who references selfobject functions and friendship. Selfobject functions provided by spouses, analysts, religion, art, and children have been explored. Galatzer-Levy & Cohler (1990) even describe the selfobject functions of mentorship, parenthood, and old age, but admit “Particularly important selfobject functions in adulthood that have not been touched on here involve friendship and work” (p. 106). Although mentioned briefly

by Hagman (1997) and others, the literature lacks an in depth examination of this phenomenon. The potential to secure selfobject needs through friendships has been largely overlooked. If a “Reliance upon others’ selfobject functions runs as a thread throughout existence” (Palombo, Bendicsen, & Koch, 2010, p. 276), it was imperative to examine these needs in other intimate relationships, such as friendships.

Facilitates social workers’ understanding of the importance of maintaining friendships.

Understanding how one’s early experiences with caregivers, romantic partners, and

one’s friendships all impact functioning could contribute to an important component of mental health training. Friendship serves a protective function against negative feeling states (Demir & Weitekamp, 2006; Powers, Ressler, & Bradley, 2009); it is critical that social work training programs no longer ignore the examination of this relationship.

Including information on the psychological function of friendships could help social workers in training understand the value of promoting resiliency through cultivating friendship skills in their clients. This also has implications for social workers’ self-care needs as they embark on an emotionally demanding profession.

Statement of the Problem and Objectives Achieved The modern depiction of friendship through reality television is infused with conflict and aggression (up to 84.67 times per hour according to Coyne, Robinson, & Nelson, 2010) while social media emphasizes quantity over quality of friendships discounting what makes long-term friendships work. The recent assault on friendship has left many feeling confused and desperate. Friendships protect against negative feeling states, yet little is known about female friendships in midlife, a population with the highest rate of depression (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2012). Few resources offer a psychodynamic perspective of friendship and little is known about the heterogeneity of these relationships. Until this study, there was no research on friendships in midlife females from a psychodynamic perspective. Furthermore, despite friendships being an

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important relationship to most individuals, they are rarely examined in a therapeutic

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context. This overlooks a huge aspect of life and ignores a significant opportunity to understand one’s client. The social work profession requires updated in-depth information about what constitutes long-term friendships.

Rates of depression (Comton, Conway, Stinson, & Grant, 2006; Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2012) and the use of psychotropic medication are on the rise (Paulose-Ram, Safran, Jonas, Orwig, 2007; Department of Health and Human Services, 2013) while access to mental health services is plummeting. “Females have higher rates of depression than males in every age group” and midlife females have the highest rate of depression than females in other age groups (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2012). Most sufferers of mental illness are untreated or undertreated (Wang, Lane, Olfson, Pincus, Wells, & Kessler, 2005). Deepening an understanding of friendships and employing the protective factor of sustaining friendships could build resilience and reduce the need for mental health services.

The literature is saturated with studies on friendships in children, adolescents, young adults, and even the elderly; however, research on friendships in midlife is nearly absent from the literature. “Friendships continue to develop through adulthood, although fewer researchers have focused on this aspect of adults’ friendships” (Sherman, de Vries, & Lansford, 2000, p. 35). Blieszner & Adams (1992) note that even in the very few studies on friendship that have included individuals in midlife, this age group was not examined

separately and was, instead, included in a wide age range. A psychodynamic

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understanding of the phenomenon of friendships in midlife is absent. “…[W]e entered virtually uncharted analytic waters…[when considering the] functions of other people and development in the second half of life…A very few psychoanalysts have explored adult relations with others” (Galatzer-Levy & Cohler, 1990, p. 93).

Inadequate literature on individuals in midlife has resulted in limited data on friendships from a developmental perspective. Most developmental theories, particularly psychodynamic theories, focus only on the early years of development. Although there is reference to selfobject needs throughout the life span in the self-psychological approach, “…most of what Kohut had to say about selfobjects concerned their function in the earliest years of life…” (Galatzer-Levy & Cohler, 1990, p. 95). This is a problem as the developmental tasks and pressures of midlife (parenting, achieving success occupationally, and fluctuating hormonal issues) are contributors to the high rate of depression (Pratt & Brody, 2008) in these individuals. There are unconscious, developmental processes in midlife that could help explain how one’s needs (potentially selfobject needs) are being met. If one fails to experience the responsive selfobject, adult development can be impeded (Galatzer-Levy & Cohler, 1990). This study provides an in depth exploration of the attempts of midlife females to meet their needs in long-term friendships.

Long-term friendships are psychologically significant in getting one’s needs met

because of the depth with which one is known and the extent of the commitment in the

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friendship (Vangelisti & Perlman, 2006); yet little is known about the in depth, psychodynamic aspects of long-term friendships. Despite being an important protective factor against negative feeling states, few have considered how one’s needs are met in friendships. Available studies also overlook unconscious processes. “What is lacking amid all this data is an adequate psychoanalytic or even psychological explanation of the significant correlation between emotional well-being and social networks. Every level but the unconscious is mentioned.…” (Goldberg, 2011, p. 297).

The literature is flooded with examinations of friendship through the lens of homogeneity, or how one is like one’s friend. The influence of heterogeneity, or how one differs from one’s friend, is largely ignored. Available information regarding similarities and differences in friendships focuses on similar or dissimilar qualities, but fails to examine the role of similar or dissimilar personality traits. Sherman, de Vries, & Lansford (2000) indicated, “…it seems unfortunate that previous work has neglected to investigate how types of friendships differ and how aspects of different friendships might then affect well being” (p. 39). This study attended to this gap in the literature. This study described, not only the influence of similarities in personality, but also the influence of perceived differences in personality with respect to how one’s needs are met.

Conducting the study qualitatively, through a phenomenological approach, allowed an in depth exploration. It provided the opportunity to discover what role similarities and

differences in personality play in meeting the needs of females in friendships. I chose

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a qualitative approach in order to encourage an open exploration; there is little information available on this phenomenon with this population. Qualitative methods offer access to unconscious themes, which could then be used to address the problems outlined above.

Several objectives of this study address these problems: •

Focus on friendships that have lasted 20 or more years that meet the needs of those involved and are not necessarily infused with conflict. This focus was motivated by the current depiction of friendship in reality television and social media impacting the way in which friendships are being portrayed and understood.

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Address the gaps in the literature regarding the heterogeneity of friendship and the midlife female’s experience with friendship.

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Acquire and analyze qualitative data in order to obtain an in depth understanding of friendship, potentially gaining insight into unconscious processes in the experience of long-term friendships.

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Examine this phenomenon qualitatively so that an in depth understanding of friendship, including potential unconscious processes, can be described.

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Interpret data through a self-psychological and life course theory lens.

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13 Gain valuable information on a nonclinical population that could be utilized to improve therapeutic outcomes with a clinical population.

Research Questions The study sought to understand how midlife females in long-term friendships perceive the function of their friend’s similarities and differences in personality, specifically as it relates to how their needs are met. The objective was to interpret the data through a selfpsychological and life course theory lens. The influence of similarities and differences in personality were examined in terms of essential selfobject needs and functions. Life course theory defines essential tasks of midlife and provided the theoretical frame from which to understand the participants’ experience in the friendship. When examining the data, I included an analysis of those tasks in understanding this phenomenon.

Questions explored include: 1. How do midlife females describe the experience of long-term friendships?

2. How will similarities in personality be described and experienced in midlife females in long-term friendships?

3. How will differences in personality be described and experienced in midlife females in long-term friendships?

4. What meaning do midlife females ascribe to the function of similarities in personality in their long-term friendship?

5. What meaning do midlife females ascribe to the function of differences in

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personality in their long-term friendship?

6. How are selfobject experiences understood in midlife females’ long-term friendships? a. How will we understand mirroring needs as they are experienced in the descriptions of long-term friendships in midlife females? b. How will we understand idealizing needs as they are experienced in the descriptions of long-term friendships in midlife females? c. How will we understand twinship needs as they are experienced in the descriptions of long-term friendships in midlife females?

Theoretical and Operational Definitions of Major Concepts Concepts to define include personality, friendship, long-term, midlife, selfobject, mirroring, idealizing, twinship, and adversarial transference.

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Personality: “personality traits are enduring patterns of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about the environment and oneself that are exhibited in a wide range of social and personal contexts” (American Psychiatric Association, 2000, p.

686).

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Friendship: a voluntary relationship offering affective intimacy while meeting the

social and emotional needs of one another (as determined by participant).

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Long-term is considered 20+ years.

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The concept of midlife included both chronological age and one’s identification

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with developmental tasks. Both are understood in terms of Colarusso & Montero’s (2007) life course theory, which describes midlife as occurring between 40-60 years of age and as involving the developmental tasks of acknowledging a finite sense of time, which leads to a reassessment of one’s work and relationships.

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Selfobjects are objects experienced as part of oneself; they are experienced as meeting the fundamental needs of mirroring, idealizing, and twinship.

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Mirroring: a selfobject function encompassing the feeling of being “the apple of one’s eyes.” One is validated for one’s “greatness and perfection” (Mitchell & Black, 1995, p. 159) leading to self-confidence and self-respect (Palombo, Bendicsen, & Koch, 2010).

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Idealizing: a selfobject function allowing the child to admire an object securing a sense of safety and protection as well as reliability, dependability, and predictability.

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Twinship: a selfobject function allowing for the feeling of connectedness and common bond with others leading to a “…feeling of kinship with others…” that promotes a “…sense of well-being and wholesomeness…” (Palombo, Bendicsen,

& Koch, 2010, p. 265).

•

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Adversarial transference: a transference involving the need to have a reassuring yet contrary selfobject relationship (Wolf, 1988). In the adversarial transference the individual acts out “…a need to experience himself or herself as autonomous and to have his or her autonomy responsively accepted” (Wolf, 1988, p. 126).

Statement of Assumptions This phenomenological study aimed to understand participants’ experience in their long-term friendships, specifically how similarities and differences in personality influence how needs are met. An interpretive stance embracing each of the participants’ views of reality was used. Researcher bias included: •

The belief that long-term friendships are often extremely valuable and that similarities and differences in personality probably influence how one’s needs are met.

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Friendships provide selfobject functions in a manner that is not yet understood.

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There is an unconscious process influencing how one’s needs are met in friendships. Friendship could be a vehicle from which to unconsciously seek to secure unmet needs.

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Individuals in midlife choose which friendships are sustained, and the attachment figures chosen provide important functions.

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17 The experience of selfobject functions that lead to a more cohesive self seems to be a reasonable result of friendships.

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Insight can be gained through the examination of selfobject needs (and the subsequent successful meeting or failing of those needs) in friendships.

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Chapter II

Literature Review What images come to mind when thinking of the title characters in Thelma and Louise (1991), C.C. Bloom and Hillary Whitney from the film Beaches, 1988), or Oprah and Gayle? Do images of strength, support, and humor come up? Midlife female friendships in film have often depicted the trials and tribulations of these relationships, including how needs are met and how the friendship functions when there are conflicts. Steel Magnolias (1989), Waiting to Exhale (1995), and the Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (2002) illustrate the benefit of and suffering in friendship. The characters are quite similar and also dramatically different from one another. The audience experiences these personality traits playing out on screen as the characters support and admire each other, provide strength to one another, and offer a sense of belonging together. I was interested in how female friendships function in real life, particularly midlife females’ experience in longterm friendships. Relevant data was gathered to offer a well-rounded context in the study.

The goal in conducting the literature review was to integrate existing literature with a focus on research outcomes and theories related to friendship. Outcomes of studies

regarding the homogeneity and heterogeneity of friendships as well as age of

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populations in which friendships have been studied are representative of existing literature. I provide extensive coverage of developmental and psychodynamic theories as they relate to friendship and object relating only.

The chapter is organized by first providing an account of how characteristics and functions of friendships have been understood historically, psychodynamically, and in terms of new social phenomena. A sociohistorical perspective provides a context from which to elucidate ways in which friendship has been understood over time. Exploring the concept of friendship in psychodynamic terms offers an in-depth psychological understanding. Inspecting friendship through developmental theories helps highlight how friendship is experienced during the specific phase of midlife. Examining the impact of new social phenomena offers a modern perspective on how friendships are being experienced.

The next section provides a review of the benefits of friendship. Then, a snapshot of existing studies on friendship is provided, followed by an analysis of the research on homogeneity and heterogeneity in friendships. Studies on friendships in terms of age of sample are also examined. This provides a contextual analysis of this study. The chapter concludes with an in-depth examination of psychodynamic concepts that could be understood through the lens of friendship.

Despite my bias that there is probably an unconscious process involved in how

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one’s needs are met through friendship, searching for and identifying all relevant literature, including literature that conflicts with this bias, was imperative in order to represent a neutral perspective. Since friendship is an experience known to all, the general public could benefit from reviewing this literature, particularly since friendship has been redefined in the era of social media. As noted with regard to the significance of the study, specialized scholars in the area of social work and therapy will particularly benefit because the literature review highlights the protective function of friendship against negative feeling states as well as elucidating potential uses in the therapeutic setting.

Scholarly databases (PEP-Web, PsycINFO, and PsycARTICLES), governmental and organizational websites (for statistical data), and well-known text references (for historical data on theory) were searched. Examining the bibliographies of relevant articles was a primary strategy of information gathering. These steps were repeated until the result was a saturated search.

Characteristics and Functions of Friendship A sociohistorical perspective.

From Ancient Egypt to Ancient Greece and then to the modern era of social media, friendship has been present in the literature and art of many civilizations. The Ancient

Egyptians were said to view friendship as a practical relationship assisting one in

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avoiding malevolence (Petrie, 2007). Aristotle believed that if one was without friendship, it was not by choice, because friendship was essential for a pleasurable life and the key to motivating morality (Jacquette, 2001). Socrates examined the utility of friendship; needing something from another motivated friendship formation (Ludwig, 2010).

A host of researchers have examined the multidimensional nature of friendship. Grey and Sturdy (2007) offer a sociological perspective that distinguishes between kinship, sexual relations, paid work, and friendship. Friendship has been understood through structural variables such as age, gender, sexual orientation, geographic location, and culture. Other common elements of friendship include behavioral processes (selfdisclosure, sociability, assistance, shared activities), cognitive processes (loyalty/commitment, trust, shared interests/values, acceptance, empathy, appreciation/respect), affective processes (compatibility and care), structural characteristics (solidarity and homogeneity), and proxy measures of process (frequency of contact, length of acquaintance, duration of contacts) (Adams, Blieszner, & Vries, 2000). Patterson, Bettini, and Nussbaum (1993) identified nine aspects of friendship: (1.)

Devotion; (2.) Commonality; (3.) Reciprocity; (4.) Relational Stratification; (5.) Frequent Contact; (6.) Positive Attributions; (7.) Positive Impact; (8.) Understanding; and (9.)

Familial Comparison.

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Friendship has also been understood in psychodynamic and developmental terms.

Psychodynamic models note that the sustaining of quality friendships is “…a defining feature of healthy maturity” (Hagman, 1997, p. 96). Colarusso (1998) indicates, “…friendships are psychically determined and serve conscious and unconscious purposes of drive expression” (p. 133). Friendships start in latency, are a “…vital form of object relationships,” and help to “…resolve major phase-specific developmental tasks” (Colarusso, 1998, p. 133). Friends of the same age help to provide a steady understanding of one’s history and assist one in organizing one’s early experiences (Colarusso, 1998).

A modern perspective.

In recent years, friendship has undergone many changes. Social phenomena in the United States such as high divorce rates (Stevenson & Wolfers, 2007), high mobility rates (Ihrke & Faber, 2012), and the use of social media by 67% of all Internet users (Duggan & Brenner, 2013) affect one’s access to and use of friendships. The lack of geographic proximity to relatives provides ample opportunity for individuals to find “family” through friendships. Individuals are staying single longer and once married, are more likely to get divorced, suggesting that one might often be in the position to depend on friends more than spouses. Women, in particular, are more likely to be in high stress

careers while bearing the brunt of caregiving and housekeeping; they rely on multiple

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individuals in their lives rather than on just their spouses. Many friendships outlast many marriages.

An increase in time spent at work, the lack of physical proximity to loved ones, and divorce could help explain the increased demand on social media outlets as a way for individuals to connect with others. From 2005 to 2012, the rate of social network site use increased from 8% to 67% for all age groups and from 7% to 77% and 6% to 52% for individuals in midlife (30-49 year olds and 50-64 year olds respectively) (Brennan, 2013). The average Facebook user currently has 229 “friends” (Hampton, Rainie, Purcell, 2011, para. 25). Some research suggests that individuals who use social media report a higher number of close ties (Hampton, Rainie, Purcell, 2011, para. 9) although “close” is not clearly defined. Incessant updates about what a “friend” or “follower” is thinking and doing is offered through this electronic communication. If there is a conflict, one can simply check the electronic box “block” and shut an individual out of communication, providing a virtual “click to unfriend” option.

Popular reality television often offers a perspective of friendship infused with conflict. In fact, Coyne, Robinson, & Nelson (2010) found 84.67 instances of relational aggression per hour in their sample of reality television shows. Although watching reality television does not predict aggression in adolescent girls, it does promote a readiness to concede one’s moral standards in exchange for celebrity (Ferguson,

Salmond, & Modi (2013), which might affect one’s friendships. In an age when social

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networking sites and reality television offer confusing representations of what a friendship is or ought to be, the social work profession could use updated in-depth information about what constitutes high quality friendships.

Friendships have been perceived as agents of morality and utility in ancient times when civilizations were bound by geographic proximity to family and community members. Friendship is understood as an intimate organizer of one’s early experiences and facilitator of intrapsychic growth as documented in psychodynamic literature for several decades. Currently, in the age of 21st-century technology, individuals have hundreds of “friends” and “followers” through computer programs such as Facebook and Twitter. Although friendship has been defined in many ways, for the purposes of this study friendship is defined as a voluntary relationship offering affective intimacy while meeting the social and emotional needs of one another.

Benefits of Friendship The benefits of friendship have been widely studied. Friendships are positively correlated with happiness beyond the influence of personality (Demir & Weitekamp, 2006). The visual perception of a geographical slant study demonstrates the importance of friendship. Participants accompanied by a friend estimated a hill to be less steep when compared to participants who were alone or participants who thought of a neutral or

disliked person, demonstrating the importance of social support (Schnall, Harber,

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Stefanucci, & Proffitt, 2008). Friendships have been proven to be a protective factor against bullying and relational aggression (Bollmer, Milich, Harris, & Maras, 2005; Schmidt & Bagwell, 2011). It is also a relationship that is said to shield against problematic family relationships. There is some evidence that friendships of high quality compensated for less satisfying sibling relationships; however, high quality sibling relationships did not compensate for less satisfying friendships (Sherman, Lansford, & Volling, 2006).

Rates of depression are on the rise (Comton, Conway, Stinson, & Grant, 2006; Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2012). Two million youth and 16.5 million adults in the U.S. have suffered a Major Depressive Episode in the past year (Department of Health and Human Services, 2007). Most sufferers of mental illness are untreated or undertreated (Wang, Lane, Olfson, Pincus, Wells, & Kessler, 2005). Violent acts, such as random mass shootings, are becoming more prevalent while services to teach the mentally ill how to connect with others and minimize their risk factors decline.

Deepening an understanding of friendships and employing the protective factor of sustaining friendships could build resilience and improve well-being.

26 Existing Literature on Friendship From multiethnicity, sexual orientation, and family communication patterns to relationship formation, technology, and attachment styles, friendship has been widely examined. Fong and Isajiw (2000) found that individual socioeconomic status affects coethnic friendships. Galupo’s (2009) study indicated that heterosexual individuals were less likely to develop friendships with individuals with other sexual orientations while bisexual individuals have the most friends from cross-orientations. Ledbetter (2009) noted that young adults from highly verbal and conversational families engage in more face to face contact with peers, which appears to improve friendship closeness.

Possessing an external locus of control was related to impaired problem solving skills in friendships and lowered satisfaction (Morry & Harasymchuk, 2005).

Another observation of the literature is that much of the research on friendship has been cross-sectional versus longitudinal (Ackerman, 2003; Sherin, 1966; Selhout, Burk, Branje, Denissen, van Aken, & Meeus, 2010). More recently, the impact of technology has been explored especially with regard to internet friendships. Amichai-Hamburger, Kingsbury, and Schneider (2013) examine the complexity of online friendships and challenge the notion that they are trivial, while Smith (2011) asserts, “Middle-aged and older adults place a relatively high value on social media as a tool to connect with others around a hobby and interest� (p. 4).

Friendship quality has been more widely studied, particularly as it relates to

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attachment styles. High friendship quality was correlated to healthy self-esteem and negative friendship experiences were correlated to impaired mental health symptoms (Bagwell, Ender, Andreassi, Kinoshita, Montarello & Muller, 2005). Demir and Weitekamp (2006) found that the quality of one’s friendship was more likely to predict happiness than the quantity of one’s friendships. Furthermore, many researchers including Ozen, Sumer, and Demir (2011), Saferstein, Neimeyer, and Hagans (2005) and Zimmermann (2004) have found that securely attached individuals are more likely to experience friendships of higher quality than insecurely attached individuals.

Homogeneity versus Heterogeneity Despite this vast research on a variety of aspects of friendship, there is a glaring gap in the literature with respect to the role of heterogeneity, particularly in adults in midlife.

The role or function of homogeneity and heterogeneity and their impact on friendship is absent from the literature. The exploration of unconscious processes involved in friendships is largely unavailable.

There is conflicting evidence regarding whether individuals in friendships possess more similar or more dissimilar qualities. It was my assumption that, although necessary, fundamental similarities exist, certain differences do not preclude friendship formation and might even help to sustain it. Reader and English (1947) explain, “The strong

narcissistic tendency…leads the individual to love in another person that which he sees

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in himself. That which is most like one’s self is loved” (p. 216). Neimeyer and Neimeyer (1986) explain that both successful and unsuccessful relationships become more similar with time.

Other studies challenge the theory that “birds of a feather flock together.” In fact, Socrates said, “Two people who are alike, for example, cannot be friends because they derive no utility from each other because each already has what the other has (Ludwig, 2010, p. 134). “Many studies reported that friends often perceive each other as having opposite characteristics to those which they themselves possess” (Beier, Rossi, & Garfield, 1961, p. 3). In Fink and Wild’s (1995) study, a strong effect of interest similarities on the selection of friends was not supported. Reader and English (1947) indicate that friends tended to note the qualities in their friend that they admired and lacked themselves. Studies on romantic relationships have confirmed that romantic partners often have distinct differences in their personality constructs that appear to be helpful to the individual and to the dyad (Shaver & Brennan, 1992; Lele, 2007).

Studies considering differences often investigate whether or not there are differences but do not examine how or why. Sherman, DeVries, and Lansford (2000) indicate, “…it seems unfortunate that previous work has neglected to investigate how types of friendships differ and how aspects of different friendships might then affect well being” (p. 39). Friendship formation in teens has been explored “…girls tend to choose as

friends those of similar age, sociability, and dominance. Emotional stability, self-

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sufficiency, introversion, and self-confidence, as measured by the Bernreuter inventory, seem to have little to do with the formation of friendships among adolescent girls” (Van Dyne, 1940, p. 291). This supports Richardson’s (1939) view, described in a review of the studies on formation of friendships, that “…both similarity and dissimilarity are important as sources of attraction” (Beier, Rossi, & Garfield, 1961, p. 3). Although in reference to the analytic relationship, Togashi (2012) further addresses similarities and differences in relationships experiencing twinship by suggesting that individuals are “…finding themselves and not-themselves in the other” (p. 362).

Friendship Development across the Lifespan Friendship has been studied in a variety of ways throughout many developmental phases such as childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, and late adulthood. Limited data exists on the study of friendships in midlife.

Children and adolescents.

Researchers have studied childhood friendships with regard to biographical, personality and behavioral variables (Dunstan & Nieuwoudt, 1994). Some studies involving children and adolescents considered attachment and characteristics of friendship in adolescence (Zimmermann, 2004), being a friend in a variety of cliques

(Ebrahimi, 2005), and the effects of friendship on adolescent development (Berndt,

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1993). Zimmermann (2004) confirmed the positive relationship between securely attached individuals and higher friendship quality in adolescents. In addition, Ebrahimi (2005) found that adolescents enjoyed improved social support when they established friendships among a variety of peer groups. Interestingly, peer influence was found to have more positive than negative effects in the adolescent population (Berndt, 1993).

Young adulthood.

Friendships in young adulthood have been explored as well. Nelson and Thorne (2012) examined how friendships were formed differently based on whether or not the dyad had similar or dissimilar traits. They discovered that friends were either very similar or very different with regard to extroversion or introversion and either had a “friends at first sight� experience or a gradual development of the friendship (Nelson & Thorne, 2012, p. 600). Personality characteristics were examined in a sample of preadolescents and individuals in young adulthood (Zarbatany, Conley, & Pepper, 2004). In this study, a sense of community was related to meeting friendship needs while affective characteristics were related to failures to do so (Zarbatany, Conley, & Pepper, 2004).

31 Late adulthood.

Late adulthood has been examined in terms of friendship in a variety of ways: social isolation in older adults (Hawthorne, 2006), early life experiences and adult friendship using Sullivan, Bowlby, and Erikson (Tesch, 1989), and others. Felmlee and Muraco (2009) found that “…cultural norms for close ties, norms of trust, commitment, and respect” were similar for both men and women in late adulthood (Felmlee & Muraco, 2009, p. 318). However, gerontological researchers tend to focus only on frequency of contact and satisfaction (Sherman, de Vries, & Lansford, 2000, p. 33) instead of examining the relationship in depth. Furthermore, issues typical of late adulthood, such as widowhood and decline in health, adversely impact friendships (Johnson & Troll, 1994).

Midlife.

The literature is saturated with studies on friendships in children, adolescents, young adults, and even the elderly; however, there are limited studies on friendships in midlife.

“Friendships during mid-life are especially understudied” (Sherman, De Vries, & Lansford, 2000, p. 35). Friendships continue to develop through adulthood, although fewer researchers have focused on this aspect of adults’ friendships. Adult friendships have received little research attention compared to other relationships, such as marriage,

although there has been a recent emergence of studies related to friends and the

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‘decentralization of family relationships’ (Spencer & Pahl, 2006, p. 1349). Research on individuals in midlife is minimal. When studied, the focus is on a clinical population, “Much of the psychological literature about middle age is based on studies of psychiatric populations” (Galatzer-Levy & Cohler, 1993, p. 290). However, Vangelisti and Perlman (2006) note that what tends to be unique about friendships in midlife is that they have often persisted for decades and have evolved through many developmental phases.

Cohler and Galatzer-Levy (1990) suggest “…social relations change in meaning as one moves through life” (p. 231). Duck (1975) found that being similar was more necessary in adolescence. Similarly, Izard (1963) suggests that older individuals rely less on having similar personality constructs mirrored by friends. There are developmental processes in midlife that help explain what function friendship serves.

In reviewing the existing literature, it is clear that much of the research is outdated.

The studies addressing similarities and differences in personality constructs in friendships were published in the 1990s (Fink & Wild, 1995; Shaver & Brennan, 1992), the 1980s (Neimeyer & Neimeyer, 1986), the 1960s (Beier, Rossi, & Garfield, 1961), and the 1940s (Reader & English, 1947; Van Dyne, 1940). More recent studies look at romantic relationships instead of friendships (Lele, 2007; Tidwell, Eastwick, & Finkel, 2013) or note the failure to consider the role of heterogeneity (Sherman, DeVries, & Lansford, 2000).

Defining the characteristics and functions of friendship from a sociohistorical

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perspective provided a context in which friendship has been understood over time.

Exploring friendship in psychodynamic terms offered an in-depth psychological understanding. Inspecting friendship through developmental theories highlighted how friendship is experienced during specific phases of growth. Examining the impact of new social phenomena offered an understanding of how friendships are experienced in modern times. Finally, detailing existing research related to the homogeneity versus heterogeneity of friendships, as well as what populations have been studied (children, adolescents, young adults, and the elderly, but not midlife adults), provided a contextual analysis for this study.

Psychoanalytic Perspectives on Friendship Despite friendship being a relationship in which most participate and on which most individuals depend, friendship is rarely cited in theoretical frameworks. However, examining aspects of existing theories can still further one’s understanding of the concept of friendship. Understanding individual similarities and differences of personality within friendships as well as the benefits and limitations of such variables helps to further one’s understanding of many theories and concepts. Few psychodynamic theoretical frameworks specifically address the relationship of friendship, particularly outside the context of development.

Although I interpreted the data of the study through self-psychological and life

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course theory lenses, it was important to consider the concept of friendship through the lens of many psychoanalytic concepts. The following are highlighted: object choice as understood by Freud and Klein, object-seeking motivation as outlined by Fairbairn, regression and the true self as explained by Winnicott, and development as perceived primarily through attachment theory. An analysis of these theoretical frameworks, in terms of friendships in midlife, follows this review of psychoanalytic concepts.

Freud and Klein: Object choice.

Although Freud’s drive theory minimizes the influence of interpersonal relationships, it consistently addresses the psychological impact of relationships. When referring to an object, Freud references the aim of one’s impulse, which may or may not be a person.

However, in some of his papers, Freud tackles the concept of object choice as it relates to romantic love. In his view, object choices are based on anaclitic and narcissistic influences. Freud explains that one loves in a way influenced by early attachment experiences (anaclitic) or one loves in a way influenced by experiences of the self (narcissistic). In the anaclitic style, one loves and chooses objects based on “…the woman who feeds him…,” or “…the man who protects him…” and according to the narcissistic style, one loves and chooses objects based on “…(a) what he himself is (i.e.

himself), (b) what he himself was, (c) what he himself would like to be, (d) someone

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who was once part of himself…” (Freud, 1914, p. 90).

Freud explains that identification leads to object choice, which then results in the ego wanting to absorb this object choice into itself “…in accordance with the oral or cannibalistic phase of libidinal development…” (Freud, 1917, p. 249). In other words, identification is related to “…the earliest and original form of emotional tie…” which then unconsciously influences object choice (Freud, 1921, p. 107). Freud minimizes an interactional dimension to his theory by emphasizing the intrapsychic role of identification. Freud states that the love object, “…serves as a substitute for some unattained ego ideal of our own. We love it on account of the perfections which we have striven to reach for.…” (Freud, 1921, p. 112). Freud’s analysis of this process suggests that identification with early objects influences love object choice.

Melanie Klein emphasizes a more interactional perspective, particularly with the mother-infant dyad and internalized object representations versus a purely intrapsychic process of impulse discharge. However, both Freud and Klein appear to support the notion that there is an unconscious process influencing love object choice. “Psychoanalysis shows that there are deep unconscious motives which contribute to the choice of a love-partner.…” (Klein & Riviere, 1964, p. 87).

Klein emphasizes early relationships as important for later interpersonal development.

Klein’s paranoid-schizoid position leading to the depressive position illustrates the

progress from splitting love and hate to integrating ambivalent feelings; this results in

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improved intrapsychic and interpersonal functioning.

Fairbairn: Object-seeking motivation.

In addition to understanding psychodynamic thinking with regard to one’s object choice, considering friendship through object-seeking motivation is also critical. British Object Relations theorist W.R.D. Fairbairn introduced a motivational theory that more closely relates to the purpose of this study. “Fairbairn’s view of conflict as taking place between conscious and unconscious relationships rather than discrete impulses or defenses” (Mitchell & Black, 1995, p. 119) illustrates his emphasis on relationships between people, not simply drives or internalized object representations. With regard to motivation, Fairbairn postulated that one is object-seeking, not necessarily pleasureseeking, as Freud suggested. One is not simply pursuing pleasure; one is seeking connections to early objects through current relationships. Fairbairn suggests “…each of us projects his internal object relationships onto new interpersonal situations” (Mitchell & Black, 1995, p. 119).

There is a need to seek new relationships that maintain ties to early objects. Fairbairn (1944) explains that…”the tendency to cling to painful experiences may be explained in terms of relationships with bad objects” (p. 71). One cannot risk annihilation of one’s connection to early relationships if a new object is not secured. Fairbairn (1944)

challenges Freud’s death instinct explanation of repetition compulsion. He asserts that

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problems related to Freud’s theory could be avoided if “…implications of libidinal relationships with bad objects are taken into account” (Fairbairn, 1944, p. 71). These bad objects are often internalized and repressed and remain that way in the absence of a therapeutic intervention (Fairbairn, 1952, p. 78).

Winnicott: True self and regression.

Fairbairn’s contemporary British Object Relations theorist, D.W. Winnicott, also contributed to psychoanalytic thought. His conceptualization of the true self suggests that the other’s surviving one’s aggression and desires helps to cultivate a way of approaching relationships with authenticity and a stable sense of self. However, if one perceives others as being unable to tolerate one’s aggression and desires, then a false self may develop. One will become more pleasing and compliant in order to maintain the early object relationship.

In the pathological instance, one progresses through life feeling restless and empty, fearful of annihilation. Family members, co-workers, and friends all believe the false self is the actual self (Winnicott, 1960, pp. 142-143). The false self protects the integrity of the true self; however, the false self can also be adaptive and utilized by healthy individuals. The false self in this way is “…represented by the whole organization of the polite and mannered social attitude…” (Winnicott, 1960), p. 143).

It is important to note that Winnicott is one of few psychodynamic theorists to

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specifically address friendship. He explains that the relationship of infant to the mother in terms of ego-relatedness is of great importance “as I consider that it is the stuff out of which friendship is made” (Winnicott, 1958, p. 418). He examines the curative potential of regression as it provides new opportunities to rework early problematic patterns, specifically as it relates to friendship (Winnicott, 1955). In this way, the work done in friendship is consistent with the work done in therapy (Winnicott, 1955, p. 16).

Developmental theories.

Most developmental theories neglect to consider middle to late adulthood and few provide direct insight into friendship. In relation to drive theory, Sigmund Freud’s psychosexual framework (oral, anal, phallic, genital, latency, and adolescent phases) extends only to the beginning of young adulthood. Anna Freud’s theory is organized by defense-driven developmental lines from birth to age eighteen (Palombo, Bendicsen, & Koch, 2010). Blos’s developmental theory includes five phases, focuses on the ego and the drive’s relationship with parental objects, and describes the way it is managed in the social environment (Palombo, Bendicsen, & Kock, 2010). Although Blos (1967) understands ego and drive regression as a normal developmental process through the second individuation of adolescence, he fails to conceptualize this process through the

phase of adulthood. Mahler’s (1974) developmental theory emphasizes separation and

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individuation, rapprochement, and emotional self and object constancy phases.

Although drive, ego psychological, and object relational theories provide crucial understanding of the psychological processes of development, attachment and life cycle theories more closely describe insight related to friendship maintenance. Attachment theory indicates that an infant’s opportunity to seek proximity to its caregivers is physically and emotionally protective (Bowlby, 1969). This proximity-seeking behavior is adaptive in the sense that it provides protection against danger and also permits the caregiver opportunities to aid the infant with self-regulatory processes.

Exploring how attachment styles are manifested in children involves the examination of the four types of attachment patterns discussed by Sroufe, Ainsworth, and Bowlby.

Through the Infant Strange Situation, Ainsworth organizes attachment patterns as secure, anxious-resistant/ambivalent, anxious-avoidant, and disorganized (Karen, 1990). Secure attachments have a positive impact on adaptation as these children have internalized a self-regulating capacity and are better equipped to explore and learn while, as Bowlby describes, maintaining a secure base to which to return. This style of attachment promotes more satisfying intrapsychic and interpersonal functioning.

Children who are ambivalently attached demonstrate a need to increase the frequency and intensity of attachment behaviors. They desperately seek proximity, physical touch, and emotional comfort in an effort to experience the attunement that their parent

inconsistently provides. These children are not sure if the parent will be available,

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responsive, or helpful and they tend to experience anxiety related to separation and exploration as illustrated by clinging behaviors (Galatzer-Levy & Cohler, 1993, p. 61).

While securely attached children use their parent as a secure base, ambivalently attached children cannot depend on that security and must actively pursue and influence the parent to provide needed responses. Anxiety about exploring and difficulty with self-regulation can affect the child’s ability to learn, manage emotions, and interact with others, clearly making effective adaptation an unlikely achievement.

Sroufe, Egeland, Carlson, and Collins, W. (2005) note that in contrast to children with ambivalent attachments who need to maximize attachment behaviors and opportunities, children with avoidant attachment styles learn to minimize this need; they become distant as an adaptive response to being chronically rejected, rebuffed, and neglected. An “I don’t need anybody” attitude and feeling of emptiness complicate emotional connection and empathic communication with others, severely impairing adaptation beyond the parent-child dyad.

The disorganized style of attachment is most closely linked to pathology because not only is one rejected like the avoidantly attached child, one is also consistently frightened and confused which leads to a much higher likelihood of deficits in cognitive and affective organization. If one’s primary caregivers were rejecting and frightening, it is

likely that an individual will significantly struggle with interpersonal boundaries and

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self-regulation.

Protective factors insulating children from insecure attachments have been identified.

The attachment pattern of a child has been shown to improve if certain environmental changes occur. Preventative efforts aimed at providing opportunities to nurture attachments would involve the consideration of friendship.

Early attachment patterns influence future relationships. In fact, Feeney and Noller (1990) found that attachment style was a predictor of and provided “…a useful perspective” on adult romantic relationships (p. 281). Multiple studies support this finding (Kirkpatrick & Davis, 1994; Brennan & Shaver, 1995; Simpson & Rholes, 1998).

Attachment style and friendship satisfaction have been studied and confirm a relationship between secure attachments and friendship satisfaction (Bippus & Rollin, 2003).

Individuals continue to demonstrate attachment behaviors in adulthood. “Although attachment behavior is seen primarily in children, adults continue to manifest attachmentrelated behavior and mental processes throughout the lifespan…For adults, such attachment figures may be mentors, close friends, or romantic partners” (Siegel, 2012, p.

93). Siegel (2012) notes that, unlike children, “Adults often can choose to whom they become attached.…” (p. 93). This is consistent with the premise of this study that individuals in midlife choose which friendships (one of few voluntary relationships) are

sustained. Attachment figures chosen and sustained provide important functions and

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addresse unmet needs for the individual.

Contemporary thinkers in attachment theory such as Slade (2008), Beebe & Lachmann (2002), and Doctors (2008) expand the use of concepts related to attachment to adults and to therapeutic work. Slade (2008) links the child’s “…struggle for closeness…with provocative, disruptive, or incomprehensible behaviour….as forms of proximity and care-seeking” (p. 102-103). She moves beyond simply identifying a client’s attachment classification. Slade (2008) seeks to understand the ongoing functions of the attachment processes and believes that an ongoing sensitization to attachment functions in current behaviors and relationships has important clinical implications.

Beebe and Lachmann (2002) discuss co-constructed patterns in adult development as they relate to quality of attachment; the analyst’s awareness of these patterns can promote therapeutic work. They identify, “…vocal rhythm coordination, facial mirroring, and distress regulation” as examples of these patterns (Beebe & Lachmann, 2002, p. 81).

“Familiarity with the ways of being that emerge from the negotiation of attachment relationships can help the clinician recognize patterns and their significance more quickly and thereby support therapeutic efforts” (Doctors, 2008, p. 48).

Summary of Psychoanalytic Concepts that Pertain to Friendship Although few psychodynamic theoretical frameworks specifically address friendship, psychoanalytic concepts related to unconscious life, object choice, object-seeking

motivation, true self, and development provide valuable perspectives on friendship.

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The theoretical framework of the study (life course theory and self-psychology) are explored in depth following this summary. These theories provide a foundation for understanding significant aspects of this study, such as how needs are met in long-term friendships and how this intersects with the developmental phase of midlife.

Freud understood object choice in terms of love objects stemming from anaclitic and narcissistic origins. Freud suggests that one’s early attachment objects and current aspects of the self that are valued or missing influence love object choices. It is reasonable to infer that this is also true of object choices related to friendship. It is interesting to consider Freud’s concept of identification with early objects as influencing love object choices in friendships. Unmet needs are sought unconsciously, not only in romantic objects, but in friendships as well.

Object relations theories emphasize early relationship experiences as determinative for later interpersonal development. Klein relates love object choice to defensive unconscious processes stemming from the mother-infant dyad. She notes that in the depressive position, one avoids splitting and recognizes the good and the bad in another while having confidence in one’s ability to cope with guilt through making reparations.

This is of particular importance in maintaining friendships because of the voluntary nature of this relationship. It is more likely for friendship to be terminated if it is not meeting one’s needs than for a mother to terminate a relationship with her child.

Winnicott offers a theory of a true self that leads to improved intrapsychic and

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interpersonal functioning. Through acceptance of one’s true self, the pathological accommodating self is overruled. High quality friendships are able to tolerate and even promote a true self experience, minimizing the false self interference in the relationship.

Winnicott (1955) examines the curative potential of regression as it relates to providing new opportunities to rework early problematic patterns, specifically as it relates to friendship. It is possible that this manifests in long-term friendships in midlife.

Fairbairn asserts that one is always seeking new object relationships that provide continued connection with early object relationships and also offer an opportunity to experience them in new ways. This same unconscious process exists in friendship choices. Providing an in-depth analysis of how this object-seeking manifests itself in one’s approach to friendships could result in improved insight. One’s pattern of approaching relationships may also be manifested in friendships. It is possible that one does not seek only pleasurable friendships, but also friendships that allow the opportunity to repeat early object relations and to experience them in new ways.

Through the examination of attachment patterns, one could become discouraged contemplating the anticipated deficits for children with insecure attachments. Perhaps friendships could help to minimize this impact as these early attachment patterns influence future relationships. As Siegel (2012) notes, unlike children, “Adults often can choose to whom they become attached.…” (p. 93). This is consistent with the premise of

this study: females in midlife choose which friendships (one of few voluntary

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relationships) are sustained. Attachment figures chosen and sustained provide important functions for the individual.

Theoretical and Conceptual Framework of the Study I interpreted the results of this study through self-psychological and life course theories. The influence of similarities and differences in personality were examined in terms of essential selfobject functions. Life course theory provided the frame by which to understand essential tasks of midlife.

Life course theory.

Life course theory is the theoretical framework used in conceptualizing essential tasks and continued development in midlife. Life course theory was born out of the increasing need for a longitudinal approach to understanding development from childhood through old age, including the consideration of environmental contexts (Elder, Johnson, & Crosnoe, 2003). Although the need was documented in the 1920s, life course theory did not gain momentum until the 1950s and 1960s (Elder, Johnson, & Crosnoe, 2003). In 1984, Erikson noted, “Such a perspective becomes possible in our day when scientific, clinical, and public interest has, over several decades, shown special interest in a series of life stages� (Erikson, 1984, p. 155).

Erikson was one of the first psychodynamic thinkers to conceptualize a life course

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theory of development. He asserted the need to study development in its current state “… we can no longer base our developmental perspectives preponderantly on clinical reconstructions of the past…” (Erikson, 1984, p. 156). Moving beyond the drives and caregiver-infant dyad, Erikson (1950) emphasizes the interaction between the individual and the social environment and extends his eight developmental phases to include adulthood. He was the first to address developmental issues in midlife by describing Generativity vs. Stagnation as the need to care for self and others (Galatzer-Levy and Cohler, 1993).

“Indeed, by that time, the individual will have joined the generational cycle and will…have begun to transmit some forms of faith to coming generations” (Erikson, 1984, p. 158). Erikson (1984) emphasizes the areas of work, marriage, and parenthood in this stage, specifically productivity and creativity. The outcome of each stage “…leads to the expression of a psychological attitude in relation to others and to life tasks” that is either positive or negative depending on how the individual negotiates it (Palombo, Bendicsen, & Koch, 2010, p. 223).

Although Erikson provides a useful framework to understand the basic tasks of midlife, it is helpful to understand midlife individuals in terms of the life course theories of Galatzer-Levy and Cohler as well as Colarusso. These theorists provide an extensive conceptualization of the psychological, social, and developmental experiences of

individuals across the life span. This study primarily focused on their contributions

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regarding midlife.

Galatzer-Levy and Cohler (1993) synthesize theories and research findings and place them in the context of every life stage. In their formulation, the entire life course is broken down into subcategories and examined in terms of the self. Childhood is understood in terms of infancy, toddlerhood, early childhood, middle childhood and adolescence, while adulthood is examined in terms of young adulthood, stable adulthood, courtship, midlife, and late life (Galatzer-Levy & Cohler, 1993). They note that midlife is typically marked by two prominent factors: reflecting on one’s achievements or lack thereof and the acknowledgement of one’s mortality. The conception of midlife includes both chronological age and one’s identification with developmental tasks.

Both are understood in terms of Colarusso and Montero’s (2007) life course theory citing midlife as occurring between 40 and 60 years of age and involving developmental tasks that acknowledge a finite sense of time. This acknowledgement leads to the reassessment of one’s work and relationships. Neugarten (1979) explains that there is a social clock; “being on time” with respect to one’s career, parenthood, finances, and relationships becomes particularly important during midlife.

More contemporary feminist thinkers note changes in the current experience of midlife for women. Pridmore-Brown (2013) asserts that this biological clock, “…served to stabilize patriarchal norms…” and calls the recent trend for women to delay

pregnancy, the disestablishment of the biological clock (p. 423). She notes, “As a

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result of this disestablishment, professional Western women now strategically ‘consume’ maternity decades past their prime fertile years, when their forebears might have had a last child, or been grandmothers several times over” (Pridmore-Brown, 2013, p. 423).

Apter (1996) discusses, from a feminist perspective, another phenomenon taking place in midlife. Her study strongly supported the phenomenon, “sometimes described as ‘postmenopausal zest’ in that the women over 50 speak more assertively, and assess themselves quite deliberately without reference to others' expectations and desires (though not without reference to others' needs)” (p. 557).

Two conclusions that emerge from several longitudinal studies on the second half of life note that adults are significantly affected by socially constructed expectations and that “…significant personality development continues through the second half of life” (Galatzer-Levy & Cohler, 1993, p. 293). Colarusso and Montero (2007) also note that the midlife transition includes, “…significant intra-psychic changes in psychic structure; self-representations; and attitudes toward the past, present and future that occur as the result of attempts to master the developmental tasks of midlife” (p. 338). Consistent with other research and theories, Galatzer-Levy and Cohler (1993) specifically address family life and couple life in midlife, but not friendship; however, they did note, “Social supports constitute the single most important source of assistance and successful coping in midlife” (p. 303).

Like Galatzer-Levy and Cohler, Colarusso explores the life course and, unlike

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many of the researchers on midlife, he specifically examines the role of friendship. He explains that friendships start in latency and, are a “…vital form of object relationships” that help to “…resolve major phase-specific developmental tasks” (Colarusso, 1998, p.

133). Although he views this in terms of drive expression, he goes on to note that “…friendships are psychically determined and serve conscious and unconscious purposes.…” (Colarusso, 1998, p. 133). He also implies that friends assist in developing and securing a self narrative; he explains that friends of the same age help to provide an understanding of one’s history and assist in organizing one’s early experiences (Colarusso, 1998, p. 134). This is consistent with developing a coherent narrative of one’s life leading to a more cohesive sense of self.

Self-Psychology: Selfobject functions.

Self-psychology is a clinical theory developed by Heinz Kohut that examines one’s sense of self. He asserts that the primary task of the self is the maintenance of cohesion.

Psychopathology is the result of the failure of one’s caregivers to be available to meet one’s selfobject needs. The therapist’s tool is empathy. Growth occurs and a stable sense of self develops within the established selfobject transference and through the process of empathic immersion and interpretations, which lend themselves to the process of transmuting internalization. Transmuting internalization is the structure-building

process that occurs as one experiences optimal frustration through disappointments in

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manageable doses, thus internalizing psychological resources to cope; this process strengthens self structure. With repetition, this capacity is internalized and one is able to self-regulate. This process is primarily unconscious and automatic. The client first relies on others for the experience of selfobject needs and then, through optimal frustration, slowly internalizes this capacity (Palombo, 1996).

Kohut’s theory of self-psychology rejects drives as the primary motivational force and replaces them with “…the need for self-cohesion as the determining factor in feelings of well-being” (Palombo, Bendicsen, & Koch, 2010, p. 278). He emphasizes the importance of empathy and an experience-near approach in therapy so that patients can be truly and fully understood. He found that regardless of a patient’s drive conflicts, there was a “…fundamental problem in self-organization, self-feeling, self-regard.…”

(Mitchell & Black, 1995, p. 158). One has needs for stimulation, safety and security, and self-regulation through soothing. These are all present early in development and the meeting of these needs is necessary for healthy development. Kohut described these needs as selfobject functions. If one’s selfobject needs are adequately met, then a more cohesive self emerges; however, if one’s selfobject needs are neglected, a more fragmented sense of self and a disorder of the self may emerge (Kohut & Wolf, 1978).

Selfobjects are objects which we experience as part of our self; the expected control over them is, therefore, closer to the concept of the control which a grown-up expects

to have over his own body and mind than to the concept of the control which he

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expects to have over others” (Kohut & Wolf, 1978, p. 414).

Caregivers must provide these functions prior to the child’s being able to do so himself. When these functions are provided, “…children internalize these experiences into the matrix of their sense of self” (Palombo, Bendicsen, & Koch, 2010, p. 264).

“Caregivers provide selfobject functions to the child through their responses to the child’s psychological needs, such as the need for affirmation and protection” (Palombo, Bendicsen, & Koch, 2010, p. 263). Despite the manner in which contemporary selfpsychologists often describe selfobjects, Kohut was clear that a selfobject experience is an experience of the self in relation to others, not something a caregiver “provides.” It involves how the self experiences the other, regardless of the other’s intention. In Kohut’s view, the locus of experience is within the self.

Kohut (1979) identifies three primary selfobject functions: mirroring, idealizing, and twinship. The mirroring selfobject function encompasses the feeling of being “the apple of one’s eye.” One is validated for one’s “greatness and perfection” (Mitchell & Black, 1995, p. 159) which leads to self-confidence, self-respect, and the formation of the grandiose self structure (Palombo, Bendicsen, & Koch, 2010). The idealizing selfobject function allows the child to admire an object thus securing a sense of safety and protection. This function also affords the child the opportunity to experience the idealized parent imago as assisting in self-control and self-regulation (Palombo,

Bendicsen, & Koch, 2010). Finally, the twinship selfobject function allows for the

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feeling of connectedness with others leading to a “…feeling of kinship with others…” that promotes a “…sense of well-being and wholesomeness.…” (Palombo, Bendicsen, & Koch, 2010, p. 265).

Failures in meeting selfobject functions could result in the understimulated self, the fragmented self, the overstimulated self, and the overburdened self (Kohut & Wolf, 1978). The understimulated self fails to get the responsiveness required, particularly for the young child. These individuals lack vitality and subsequently may seek stimulation in unhealthy ways (Kohut & Wolf, 1978).

The fragmenting self as a chronic condition originates as a result of a lack of integrating responses in childhood from selfobjects. Every person experiences moments of fragmentation, reactive to the stresses and experiences of the day or moment. The developing self deprived of integrating responses is vulnerable to what are perceived as failures in response or lack of anticipated response in their adult selfobject milieu. This individual is narcissistically vulnerable and thus sensitive to even minor disappointments or what is experienced as a rejection. These disappointments or rejections in everyday life result in a "...deep loss of the sense of the continuity of his self in time and of its cohesiveness in space—a psychic condition that produces profound anxiety" (Kohut & Wolf, 1978, p. 419).

The narcissistically vulnerable individual's experience of fragmenting is more

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profound and resilience from this state is hampered. This anxious state leaves the person feeling as if physically they are falling apart and they may appear disheveled. Selfesteem suffers and the physically self appears depleted and out of sync. A mirroring transference in the treatment setting may develop with these individuals. In the mirroring transference, “…an insufficiently or faultily responded to childhood need for a source of accepting-confirming ‘mirroring’ is revived in the treatment situation.…” (Kohut & Wolf, 1978, p. 413).

In the overstimulated self, the child experiences being idealized in isolation from the essence of who he is and is instead expected to meet the needs of the caregiver. It is difficult for the child to authentically idealize others and merge because his or her experience is that of being a narcissistic extension of the caregiver. The idealized object is perhaps experienced as omnipotent but intrusive, thereby neglecting to provide true strength and comfort optimally experienced in the idealizing selfobject experience. This could result in the child’s not experiencing his or her own needs due to the necessity of meeting the narcissistic needs of the caregiver.

The overburdened self did not experience soothing, empathic responsiveness and instead was prematurely imposed upon. The client, through the idealizing transference, may experience the strength and calmness of the therapist, which could be experienced as a healthy idealizing selfobject function (Kohut & Wolf, 1978, p. 413). It is important that

the client can increasingly experience his or her own needs, instead of pleasing the

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therapist.

Selfobject functions are essential throughout life, “…life without selfobjects to provide the ongoing supports that are so necessary for any existence is meaningless” (Palombo, Bendicsen, & Koch, 2010, p. 276). Kohut (1977) explains, “The psychologically healthy adult continues to need the mirroring of the self by selfobjects…and he continues to need targets for his idealization” (p. 188). The continuation of selfobject needs throughout the lifespan has been elucidated through the examination of marriage partners.

“Kohut’s selfobject functions are highly relevant to marital therapy” (Finkelstein, 1988, p. 920). Solomon (1988) also notes that exploring self disorders through the examination of marriages is critical. Goldberg (2011) states, in terms of marriage, “Such enduring relationships serve to maintain an integrated self…One is being asked to function as a particular selfobject when one enters into an empathic connection” (p. 298).

Leone (2008) states that individuals are attracted to partners who “…offer important selfobject experiences and seem (consciously or unconsciously) similar to early figures in important ways” (p. 84). This suggests that one seeks opportunities to address early unmet needs and relationships through current romantic partners. Furthermore, Chessick (2000) indicates that a new love relationship can often minimize symptoms of mental distress due to an influx in mirroring selfobject relating.

Selfobject needs are also experienced in the clinical transferential relationship.

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Stern (1994) explains, through his reference to the work of Ornstein and Ornstein (1977) and Bacal (1990), that patients “…actively seek new relational experiences…” that meet selfobject needs (p. 328). Goldberg (2011) referenced selfobject needs in the clinical relationship, “Deficiencies in one’s self become filled by others, and so a selfobject relationship leads to a feeling of self integration. One is made whole by others” (p. 297).

Wolf (1988) explains several selfobject transferences in the clinical relationship.

Wolf (1988) describes the mirroring, alter-ego, idealizing, and adversarial transference as well as the transference of creativity. The mirroring transference reaffirms the early need to be accepted and admired while the alter-ego transference involves “…a need to see and understand another who is like oneself, as well as to be seen and be understood by someone like oneself” (Wolf, 1988, p. 125). An idealizing transference often manifests itself as admiration of the analyst resulting from a need to connect with a strong, safe selfobject, while a transference of creativity refers to the need to merge with creative selfobjects, particularly while performing artistic tasks (Wolf, 1988). In the adversarial transference the individual acts out “…a need to experience himself or herself as autonomous and to have his or her autonomy responsively accepted” (Wolf, 1988, p.

126). This transference involves the need to have a reassuring yet contrary selfobject relationship (Wolf, 1988).

The meeting of selfobject needs by spouses, analysts, religion, art, mentorship, and

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parenthood has been noted; however, the potential to have selfobject needs met through friendships has been largely overlooked. “Particularly important selfobject functions in adulthood that have not been touched on here involve friendship and work” (GalatzerLevy & Cohler, 1990, p. 106). Hagman (1997) is one of few psychodynamic writers who examined selfobject functions and friendship. He explains, “While the twinship or alterego nature of the friendship experience is easily recognizable, friends may also serve idealizing, mirroring, or self-delineating functions” (Hagman, 1997, p. 97). He also notes the crucial role of empathy in successful friendships as well as the failures to meet selfobject needs that may result in more conflictual friendships.

Summary of the Theoretical Framework through the Lens of Friendship Life cycle theories provide valuable perspectives on how one’s intrapsychic and interpersonal functioning is influenced by one’s development over the life course.

Colarusso (1998) implies that friends assist in developing and securing a self narrative; he explains that friends of the same age help to provide a steady understanding of one’s history and assist in organizing one’s early experiences. This seems consistent with the development of a coherent narrative of one’s life that may lead to a cohesive sense of self, emphasized in self-psychology. In fact, Goldberg (2011) asserted, “People feel

better when understood and achieve an added feeling of self cohesion when understood

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over time” (p. 309).

The experience of selfobject functions that lead to a cohesive self seems to be a possible result of friendships. Goldberg (2011) discusses how “…the individual uses others as psychic structure.…” (p. 297). It is also possible to gain insight into failures of selfobject needs by examining how one approaches relationships, including friendships.

“Selfobject transferences are not limited to the analytic situation; all intimate relationships generate wishes and fears emanating from unmet and traumatized childhood needs” (Ornstein, 1990, p. 42). Sometimes these longings for selfobject needs are repressed, which could lead a person “…to seek continually selfobjects who might be available to fulfill such potential functions in order to restore a sense of completeness and cohesion” (Palombo, 2008, p.186). This process could be reflected in one’s friendships.

If a person predominantly seeks friendships that reflect his or her own worth, this could provide insight into mirroring selfobject needs. If one predominantly seeks friendships that stimulate, protect, and soothe, perhaps this could provide insight into idealization selfobject needs. If one seeks a sense of belonging and togetherness, perhaps this could provide insight into twinship selfobject needs. Selfobjects are required throughout life and are often experienced in healthy ways. However, “…it follows that interference with selfobject function at any level will cause difficulty and may impede

development and require therapeutic attention” (Galatzer-Levy & Cohler, 1990, p.

107). One’s selfobject needs could be enacted in one’s friendships.

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Chapter III

Methodology Study Design The purpose of this phenomenological study is to describe midlife females’ experience in long-term friendships and the meaning they ascribe to that experience. Midlife was defined as 40-60 years of age and long-term was defined as 20 or more years in the friendship. The study sought to understand how females in long-term friendships perceive the function of their friend’s similarities and differences in personality, specifically as this relates to how one’s needs are met. I interpreted the data through selfpsychological and life course theories.

I took a hermeneutic, interpretative stance regarding the methodology, ascertaining that the subjective reality of participants was honored and synthesized in an ethical way that reflects the participants’ experience. Friedrich Schleiermacher (1838/1998) attempted to understand and interpret the meaning of a message (text or vocal) and defined this as “hermeneutic.” Moustakas (1994) states, “…hermeneutic science involves the art of reading a text so that the intention and meaning behind appearances are fully understood” (p. 9). Moustakas (1994) elaborates the application of this concept

to research: “The text, or interview protocol, provides an important description of

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conscious experience. Reflective interpretation of the text is needed to achieve a fuller, more meaningful understanding…” (p. 10) through a hermeneutic analysis. Interpreting the study through this hermeneutic lens emphasizes the understanding of the meaning of the experience to the participant. Long-term friendships are valuable; similarities and differences in personality probably influence how one’s needs are met. I was interested in describing and understanding how similarities and differences in personality meet the needs of midlife females in long-term friendships.

This qualitative phenomenological study offered the opportunity to discover what role personality plays in meeting the needs of females in friendships. I studied not whether, but how similarities and differences contribute to getting one’s needs met. Qualitative research permits a complex exploration and understanding of a phenomenon (Creswell, 2013). “The procedures of qualitative research, or its methodology, are characterized as inductive, emerging, and shaped by the researcher’s experience in collecting and analyzing the data” (Creswell, 2013, p. 22). I was open to any experiences the participants had rather than limiting their responses with quantitative categories. “To level all individuals to a statistical mean overlooks the uniqueness of individuals in our studies” (Creswell, 2013, p. 48). Furthermore, quantitative methods are more likely to identify conscious aspects of participants’ knowledge of their experiences, while qualitative methods might lead to greater access to unconscious themes.

I described the experience of how needs are met in the long-term friendships of

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midlife women by gathering data in an open-ended format and then analyzing the data systematically. A phenomenological approach involves the analysis of an experience. It obtains “…comprehensive descriptions that provide the basis for a reflective structural analysis that portrays the essences of the experience” (Moustakas, 1994, p. 13).

Although this understanding is developed through the exploration of the participants’ experiences, the focus is on the phenomenon, not the individual (as seen in narrative and case study). The focus is not on a particular group in which I would be submerged in a particular culture, as is the approach in ethnography. “The basic purpose of phenomenology is to reduce individual experiences with a phenomenon to a description of the universal essence” (Creswell, 2013, p. 76). Finally, this phenomenological study did not aim to develop a theory (as in grounded theory); instead, it hoped to understand an experience through the existing theoretical frameworks of life course study and selfpsychology. The purpose of the study was to gain a deeper understanding of this phenomenon.

The steps I took to complete this study included: Internal Review Board (IRB) approval, proposal defense, recruitment of participants, data collection, data analysis, and validation strategies. Each will be described in detail; however, a brief summary is provided.

1. IRB approval: After consulting with my dissertation chair, I submitted my

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proposal to the Internal Review Board. This involved the following: providing a checklist of supporting material for investigators, describing committee members, referencing funding sources and performance sites, detailing specific aims, goals, and objectives of the project, describing the significance of the study, and detailing the study design, participant population, and recruitment procedures.

Most importantly, through the IRB process, I examined all ethical considerations of the study.

2. Proposal defense: After approval from the Internal Review Board was granted, I scheduled my defense sharing with the assistance of my dissertation chair. I presented a summary of the proposed research. The committee voted to proceed with full approval.

3. Recruitment of subjects: Purposive sampling approach was used to recruit study participants. Individuals known to me were asked to refer others (who were not known to me) to the study. Email and Facebook, a social networking website on the Internet, were utilized for recruitment. A request for participation was “posted” on my “wall.” Information was typed on my electronic profile page, where known individuals read the information and, if interested, referred others to the study. A brief screening interview was conducted by phone in order to

ascertain appropriateness for the study. Participants were informed of the

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phenomenon being studied and eligibility criteria.

4. Data collection: This phenomenological study used two, semi-structured interviews (most approximately 60-90 minutes each) of thirteen midlife females who have experienced the same phenomenon (long-term friendship). Two additional contacts were made for the purposes of reviewing the results with the participants and possibly gaining additional data. I secured my projected sample size and completed number of interviews by oversampling by 50%. The interview questions were initially open-ended and broad, with additional questions to follow. The interviews were audiotaped, transcribed, and then coded into themes. Furthermore, the method of memo writing described by Birks, Chapman, & Francis (2008) was utilized.

5. Data analysis: Data analysis of the transcribed interviews included coding specific statements, developing broader units, and finally synthesizing the data to reflect the essence of what the participants’ experienced and how they experienced it (Moustakas, 1994). Data from the operational, coding, and analytical memos described by Birks, Chapman, & Francis (2008) were analyzed and synthesized in this manner as well as in the context of a four-step data analysis process. Moustakas (1994) and Creswell (2013) describe this four-step phenomenological data analysis process as including: horizontalization, clusters

of meaning, textural and structural descriptions, and a composite description.

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Finally, the process of member checking was conducted to gain additional data (based on initial data analysis) as well as confirmation of the composite description.

6. Validation strategies: I employed some of the validation strategies noted by Creswell (2013) including peer review or debriefing (through committee members), negative case analysis (reporting when the evidence does not fit the phenomenon), clarifying researcher bias, member checking, and rich, thick descriptions. In addition to these steps, I allowed the research questions to drive the data, ascertained that the interview questions were directly related to the purpose of the study, clearly stated my assumptions to minimize potential bias, used memo-writing strategies to assist in capturing observations and unspoken elements of the data collection process, and provided an unfiltered voice to the participants in order to encourage data to emerge authentically.

Questions to be explored through this phenomenological study included: 1. How do midlife females describe the experience of long-term friendships?

2. How will similarities in personality be described and experienced in midlife females in long-term friendships?

3. How will differences in personality be described and experienced in midlife females in long-term friendships?

4. What meaning do midlife females ascribe to the function of similarities in

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personality in their long-term friendship?

5. What meaning do midlife females ascribe to the function of differences in personality in their long-term friendship?

6. How are selfobject experiences understood in midlife females’ long-term friendships? a. How will we understand mirroring needs as they are experienced in the descriptions of long-term friendships in midlife females? b. How will we understand idealizing needs as they are experienced in the descriptions of long-term friendships in midlife females? c. How will we understand twinship needs as they are experienced in the descriptions of long-term friendships in midlife females?

Scope of Study, Population and Sampling This phenomenological study used two, semi-structured interviews (most lasted approximately 60-90 minutes each) of thirteen midlife females who have experienced the same phenomenon (long-term friendship). Participants were also asked to participate in a third, follow-up interview after they had been provided a draft of the results. Participants were informed that this follow-up interview could be conducted by phone (30 minutes or less), or comments could be provided via email. This allowed for reviewing results with

the participants and possibly gaining additional data. Nine out of thirteen participants

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responded to this member checking interview and six provided feedback.

I secured my projected sample size and completed number of interviews by oversampling by 50%. However, phenomenological studies do not necessarily define a specific sample size, as sample size is dictated by how the data is experienced and the need to give them sufficient depth to the data. Creswell (2013) supports this scope, “Often data collection in phenomenological studies consists of in-depth and multiple interviews with participants (p. 81).

Purposive sampling approach was used to recruit study participants. Known individuals were asked to refer others to the study (if the latter were unknown to me).

Email and Facebook were utilized for recruitment. A request for participation was “posted” on my “wall.” Information was typed on my electronic profile page, where known individuals read the information and if interested, referred others to the study.

Participants were asked to respond privately by Facebook messaging, email, or phone so that confidentiality was protected. If interested individuals responded publicly, I was not able to include them in the study. Interested participants were asked to either email or call me, or else provide their contact information. The reader is referred to the script for recruitment in Appendix A. A brief screening interview was conducted by phone in order to ascertain appropriateness for the study, including ruling out any vulnerabilities disqualifying

participation. Participants were informed of the phenomenon being studied and

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eligibility criteria. Participants had to be female, between 40 and 60 years of age, have a close friend of 20 or more years, and be willing to be interviewed two times for up to 90 minutes each via audiotape as well as participate in a brief follow-up interview. The reader is referred to the script for the screening interview (Appendix B).

Females were the focus of the study for a variety of reasons. Due to the small participant population, I felt that concentrating on one sex provided more focus to the study. Males and females have been studied fairly equally. A PsycARTICLES search of peer reviewed articles using “friendship and males” and “friendship and men” resulted in 1,638 and 793 studies respectively. The same search using “friendship and females” and “friendship and women” resulted in 1,809 and 1,016 articles respectively. There was not a significant gap in the literature to address, as both sexes have been studied relatively evenly. Therefore, I chose to study females only in order to improve the purity of the study.

However, the participants’ choice of the close friend about whom to discuss could have been either male or female. Controlling for the sex of the participants aimed to improve the focus of the study; however, since the study was about how needs are met in these friendships, I did not want to exclude anyone who met those needs of the participants. If a female participant had a close male friendship she wished to discuss, I was interested in how her needs were met in this more special relationship. Therefore, the

relationships studied did not necessarily need to be same sex friendships. However, all

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of the participants chose a female friend to discuss.

I acknowledged that participants were likely to have more than one close friend.

Participants were asked to choose one of their closest friends, a friend who comes to mind when they are asked to think of a close friend. The process was meant to be openended because I suspected there was meaning embedded in the reason a particular friend was chosen. Leaving the criterion open allowed the participant to choose that person and that choice has meaning. I was interested in allowing that meaning to be elucidated through the interview process.

Finally, all participants were unknown to me. Most lived in the greater Chicago area.

Those who met criteria, but were not chosen were offered a summary of the results. I conducted the interviews in a convenient location for the participants. I asked that the location be within a 2-3 hour drive of the Chicagoland area.

The informed consent process included explaining the purpose of the study, the expected length of the interviews, the potential benefits of participating, and the possible risks of participating. Participants were informed that there were no costs of participating and that all of the information would remain confidential. Participants were also made aware that they could terminate their consent and stop the process at any time. I read and reviewed this consent with the participants and confirmed their understanding of the

study. All participants signed the consent to participate in the research. The reader is

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referred to the script for consent to participate (Appendix C).

Data Collection Methods and Instruments The data collection process will be described by detailing the interview method and memo technique. The number, type, and length of the interviews will be described. The number and categories of questions will then be discussed. Finally, the anticipated utilization of a memo-writing strategy will be explained.

This phenomenological study used two, semi-structured interviews (most lasted approximately 60-90 minutes) of thirteen midlife females who experienced the same phenomenon (long-term friendship). An additional interview was conducted via email for the purposes of reviewing the results with the participants and possibly gaining additional data. Nine out of thirteen participants responded to this member checking interview and six provided feedback.

The interview questions were initially open-ended and broad with additional questions to follow. Many of the sub-questions were answered through the broad questions. Some questions were adapted, and additional questions were asked in response to the data that emerged from the participants. All were within the framework of the study. The type of questions fell within the following categories: background of participant, context of the

friendship, personality, similarities and differences, developmental issues, and the

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evolution of the friendship. The reader is referred to the interview guide (Appendix E).

The focus was one friendship; however, stories about other friends emerged as well.

Information was shared through stories and the expression of memories. Asking specific questions was not always necessary in order to obtain the data. The interviews were audiotaped, transcribed, and then coded into themes. Furthermore, the method of memo writing described by Birks, Chapman, & Francis (2008) was utilized.

Memoing involves recording thoughts and ideas about the content, process, researcher, and participant throughout the research process. Birks, Chapman, & Francis (2008) explain that the functions of memos “…can be described using the mnemonic ‘MEMO’: Mapping research activities; Extracting meaning from the data; Maintaining momentum; Opening communication” (p. 70). They go on to describe three structures of memos: operational, coding, and analytical. Operational memos help to detail the steps the researcher takes throughout each phase of conducting the research, “…including the rationale for decisions made and action taken”; coding memos enable “…a deep and detailed exploration of processes involved in coding and categorization of data”; and analytic memos provide an opportunity to “…examine data at a greater level of abstraction and to explore hypotheses, relationships and explanations contained within the data” (Birks, Chapman, & Francis, 2008, p. 72-23).

Steps of Data Analysis

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Reviewing the methods used for data analysis, approach to data presentation, and factors related to validity will provide the reader with an understanding of the process leading up to the results. All interviews were transcribed (I transcribed some and I also used a professional service.) Data analysis of the transcribed interviews included coding specific statements, developing broader units, and finally synthesizing the data to reflect the essence of what the participants’ experienced and how they experienced it (Moustakas, 1994).

Data from the operational, coding, and analytical memos described by Birks, Chapman, & Francis (2008) were analyzed and synthesized in this manner as well as in the context of a four-step data analysis process. Moustakas (1994) and Creswell (2013) describe this four-step phenomenological data analysis process as including: horizontalization, clusters of meaning, textural and structural descriptions, and a composite description. Finally, the process of member checking was conducted to gain additional data (based on initial data analysis) as well as confirmation of the composite description.

The first step of data analysis included transcribing the interviews verbatim and assigning identification codes to each transcript. I examined the interview transcripts and noted significant phrases, statements, and comments that elucidated how the participants experienced the phenomenon (as described by Creswell, 2013). Moustakas (1994) calls

this step, horizontalization. Then I developed “…clusters of meaning from these

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significant statements…” and created themes (Creswell, 2013, p. 82). This involved first examining each interview and then translating every few words or sentences into many categories or themes.

After conducting horizontalization and identifying clusters of meaning, I provided textural and structural descriptions of what the participants experienced as well as the context in which they experienced it (Creswell, 2013, p. 82). Integrating the clusters of meaning with the textural and structural descriptions led to the final step of data analysis, which is a composite description (or essential, invariant structure) that reflects the essence of the phenomenon (Creswell, 2013, p. 82). This establishes the common thread of experiences through the systematic interpretation of the data. However, because of my interpretative stance, these conclusions were considered, “…tentative, inconclusive, and questioning” (Creswell, 2013, p. 187).

Coding by phrases (horizontalization), then by clusters of themes, and finally through textural and structural descriptions, enabled a broad pattern to emerge concerning the phenomenon. Strategies that were employed included coding using the exact words of participants (in vivo), coding using academic terms, and coding from a conceptual framework were all strategies considered. Descriptive and analytic coding were used in order to accurately reflect what participants’ describe while making meaning, or analyzing what was said. The essence of the

participants’ experience, how similarities and differences in personality contribute to

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how one’s needs are met, is now better understood.

After results from the memoing and coding process were synthesized, I executed the final step of data analysis: member checking. I provided the initial results and participants were asked to review the results and share feedback. Nine participants responded and six provided feedback. All of those providing feedback confirmed that the overall composite description of the phenomenon reflected their experience; none expressed concerns about how the essence of the phenomenon was conceptualized.

Lincoln and Guba (1985) consider member checking to be “the most critical technique for establishing credibility” (p. 314).

Approach to Data Presentation A demographic summary of the participants is presented. This includes marital status, ethnicity, geographic location, and use of social media. The themes that emerged from the data are stated and then supported by my interpretations as well as by descriptions of the data. Interpretation of these data includes the frequency and “type” of information that was shared within that particular theme. Textural descriptions as described by Creswell (2013) and Moustakas (1994) are also provided through verbatim examples.

The results are then presented in terms of a self-psychological and life course theoretical framework

through text and diagramming. Finally, contributions of the results to the social work

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field are described.

Ethical Considerations There were no known benefits to the participants for participating in this study. There were no costs to participating. The most significant ethical factor to consider is risks to the participants. Possible risks of participating in the study may have included the inconvenience related to being interviewed several times and negative emotional responses that might have come up as a result of talking about one’s friendship. These risks were anticipated to be foreseeable for some. Those who were identified as vulnerable were screened out through the brief screening interview. For those participants I met in person, I did so in a location that was convenient for the participant (so long as it was quiet and private and within a 2-3 hour drive from the Chicagoland area). I also conducted some interviews by phone and conducted member checking via email in order to minimize inconvenience.

The risks were considered reasonable since this is an adult, nonclinical population discussing a relationship that is not anticipated to be a significant source of conflict. I observed the participants for emotional reactions, but never had to stop the interviews, as there was never a cause for concern. Counseling referrals near the participant’s home were accessible, but were never required.

Other ethical considerations included issues related to privacy. My committee

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members and I were the only individuals with access to the raw data. Identifying information was not included in the research. The information shared was disguised. All participants were assigned a code name/number. The codes, along with all identifying information, were kept in a separate locked file. Transcribed interviews were printed out for purposes of examining the data for analysis. All hard copy data was identified by codes only and kept in a locked cabinet. Audio recordings and all electronic documents related to the study were password protected. Identifying information was not entered electronically. This information was kept on paper and locked in a file. After the mandated five-year post-graduation time has been met, I will personally destroy the data.

Data in paper form will be shredded or burned and data in electronic form will be deleted.

Contributing to the field’s understanding of this common, yet minimally understood relationship could have important implications for society and social workers. Currently, friendship is often portrayed in television as being infused with conflict, and social media often value how many friends one has versus the quality of those relationships.

Information obtained from this study provided information to healthy individuals about how long-term friendships work. Social workers might also be able to use the information gained from this study to help understand how their clients approach relationships, how unmet needs are sought, and how to employ the protective factor of friendships to minimize negative feeling states.

76 Evaluation Criteria Qualitative studies offer a unique contribution to the literature that strengthen and deepen our understanding of various concepts, experiences, and phenomena.

“Qualitative researchers strive for ‘understanding,’ that deep structure of knowledge that comes from visiting personally with participants, spending extensive time in the field, and proving to obtain detailed meanings” (Creswell, 2013, p. 243). The quest is to attain a depth of knowledge, interpret the meaning of that information, and present a valid reflection of the participants’ experiences. The methodology offers a creative process of obtaining quality data through an open, versus closed, process. Qualitative research is evaluated on its trustworthiness (Creswell, 2013; Rubin & Babbie, 2008). Qualitative researchers seek credibility and dependability and findings that resonate with the participants.

Problems arise when we attempt to use quantitative terms in qualitative research.

Lincoln and Guba (1985) use the terms credibility, authenticity, transferability, dependability, and confirmability instead of internal validation, external validation, reliability, and objectivity (p. 300). Credibility is established through extensive time in the field and the triangulation of data; transferability is achieved through rich details and descriptions; confirmability as well as dependability (rather than objectivity and reliability) are attained through an extensive critique of the research process (Creswell,

2013, p. 246). The accuracy of the results with the participants validates the research,

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which Creswell (2013) considers a strength of qualitative work.

Although dependability is primarily sought with qualitative research, there are also ways in which reliability can be addressed. “Reliability can be enhanced if the researcher obtains detailed field notes by employing a good-quality tape for recording and by transcribing the tape‌the tape needs to be transcribed to indicate the trivial, but often crucial, pauses and overlapsâ€? (Creswell, 2013, p. 253). I applied these suggestions in the study.

I employed some of the validation strategies noted by Creswell (2013) including peer review or debriefing (through committee members), negative case analysis (reporting when the evidence does not fit the phenomenon), clarifying researcher bias, member checking, and rich, thick descriptions. In addition to these steps, I allowed the research questions to drive the data, ascertained that the interview questions were directly related to the purpose of the study, clearly stated my assumptions to minimize potential bias, used memo-writing strategies to assist in capturing observations and unspoken elements of the data collection process, and provided an unfiltered voice to the participants in order to encourage data to emerge authentically.

The Role and Background of the Researcher I was the key instrument in my role as researcher in this qualitative study as I gathered

information through verbal and nonverbal data (Creswell, 2013). As a clinical social

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worker, I have always been interested in learning about the experiences of others and the meaning they assign to those experiences. In order to be helpful, it is necessary to approach a therapeutic conversation in a way that minimizes judgment and allows for the client’s unfiltered expression. Although not in the role of a therapist, some of these values and skills were incorporated into my role as researcher for this study. My role was to explore this phenomenon with an open stance, constantly reflecting on my own potential bias. It was my job to ascertain that the subjective reality of participants was honored and synthesized in an ethical way that reflected the participants’ experience.

It is important to note that I possess qualities similar to those of the participants. I am a female in midlife with friendships spanning 20 or more years. In these friendships, I have noticed how the similarities with my friends and the differences between us tend to address particular deficits and meet certain needs. It has made me wonder if others experience this phenomenon and, if so, how they experience this phenomenon. Although I was open to and expect to learn about experiences that differ from mine, the reader should be aware of my own background as it relates to the phenomenon of long-term friendships in midlife females.

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Chapter IV

Results Thirty-six women expressed interest and met criteria for the study; however, I accepted 13 because I chose individuals with whom I had absolutely no direct connection. Each participant was interviewed two times, primarily in person, for up to 90 minutes each. This resulted in 26 interviews. Most participants were from the Midwest.

Results of Participant Population: Demographics Age. Nine participants were under the age of 50 and 4 participants were over the age of 50. All participants had a friend within 1 or 2 years of their own age.

Gender.

All participants chose a female friend.

Marital Status.

Eleven out of 13 participants (85%) were married or partnered.

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Children.

Ten out of 13 participants (77%) had children and had a friend who had children.

Ethnicity.

Twelve out of 13 (92%) were white. Thirty-one percent of the participants had a nonwhite friend.

Education.

All of the participants were formally educated.

Vocation.

Twelve out of 13 participants (92%) were currently working and one participant was recently retired.

Results of Participant Population: Contextual Proximity.

Nine out of thirteen participants (69%) were geographically close to their friend.

Social Media Use.

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Only 3 out of 13 participants (23%) used Facebook and other social media outlets multiple times per week. None of the participants relied on this mode of communication with their friend.

Communication.

Seven out of 13 (54%) of the participants communicated with their friend weekly or multiple times per week. Eleven out of 13 (85%) of the participants communicated at least every 3 to 4 weeks. Only 2 out of 13 (15%) communicated every 2 to 3 months.

Onset of Friendship.

Six out of 13 participants (46%) met in their late teens/early 20s, 5 out of 13 (38%) met in childhood, and 2 out of 13 participants (15%) met in adolescence.

Length of Friendship.

Four out of 13 (31%) were friends for 20-29 years, 6 out of 13 (46%) were friends for 30-39 years, and 3 out of 13 (23%) were friends for 40-50 years.

Summary of the Results of the Participant Population: (Demographic and

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Contextual) Almost all participants were white, married, working mothers (in a professional capacity) who started off with almost daily contact (lasting several years) to mostly weekly contact currently (not via social media) and who first met in their early to late teens.

Participant Summaries Ally.

Ally is a 44-year-old partnered mother working in the mental health field. She has known her friend Olivia since her late teens. They attended college together and bonded through their racial and sexuality differences. Ally has a child and Olivia does not. Ally and Olivia have times of intense connection and times of distance. However, their bond remains intact through these ebbs and flows. The friendship is marked by great respect and admiration.

Becca.

Becca is a 44-year-old, married mother working in the business field. She has known her friend Karen since childhood. They grew up in the same neighborhood and their families knew each other well. Becca and Karen have been involved in all aspects of

each other’s lives since childhood. Becca and Karen attended elementary school, high

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school, and college together. Karen enjoys a close connection to Becca’s family.

Becca’s and Karen’s friendship is marked by outrageous fun as well as fierce loyalty.

Jackie.

Jackie is a 41-year-old married mother working in the mental health field. She has known her friend Lauren since early childhood. Jackie and Lauren are deeply familiar with each other’s families, which helps Jackie feel uniquely understood. They differ in the ways in which they want to interact. Jackie feels that she would like to be more involved in more aspects of Lauren’s life and that Lauren tends to enjoy more one-on-one time with Jackie. Jackie is feeling more willing to assert her needs to Lauren. Despite this transition in their friendship, Jackie and Lauren’s friendship is marked by feelings of being deeply known.

Jenna.

Jenna is a 44-year-old, married woman working in the beauty field. She has known her friend Diane since childhood. They grew up together in a small town and have remained close despite Jenna’s having moved to a big city after high school. Jenna does not have children while Diane does. The bond that was created in their early teens through inseparable contact has provided a foundation from which they have grown.

Jenna and Diane are different in many ways and have always had distinct differences

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characterizing their friendship. Jenna always surrounded herself with many female friends. Diane tended to enjoy romantic relationships as opposed to many friendships and always saw herself with a home and family life. Jenna’s and Diane’s friendship is marked by their childhood history of love and respect, which allowed them to continue to grow, albeit in different directions.

Katie.

Katie is a 47-year-old, married mother working in the social service field. She has known her friend Lynn since childhood. Katie and Lynn attended elementary school, high school, and college together. They have always lived near each other and have many layers of family connection. Their parents are friends with each other and their children are friends with each other. Katie and Lynn enjoy daily contact as their friendship is embedded into most facets of their lives. Their children attend the same schools, they live in the same neighborhood, and their extended families spend time together. Katie particularly enjoys spending summers on the deck with Lynn and their kids simply enjoying relaxing, fun time together. Katie’s and Lynn’s friendship is marked by a sense of family.

85 Kay. Kay is a 53-year-old married mother working in the area of education. She has known her friend Sandy since early adulthood. They met through mutual friends. Kay and Sandy’s friendship has evolved over time and has become a highly valued relationship.

Their shared experiences and trust over time has solidified their relationship. Regular contact has been key to Kay’s and Sandy’s friendship. They went from weekly nights at the pizza parlor with young kids, to weekday coffee time when the kids were in school, to weekly walks on the weekend with just the two of them. Kay’s and Sandy’s friendship is marked by acceptance, transparency, honesty, and support.

Kim. Kim is a 42-year-old married mother working in the health and nutrition field. She has known her friend Nita since her early teens. They became close in high school and have continued to strengthen their bond. Kim’s children call Nita “aunt;” they share a family-like bond. There is minimal drama in their relationship, unconditional acceptance of their differences, and attentiveness to each other when they are together. Kim’s and Nita’s friendship is marked by a sense of effortlessness and acceptance.

86 Leslie.

Leslie is a 42-year-old partnered woman working in the mental health field. She has known her friend Sarah since her late teens. They attended college together and bonded through some of their ethnic and value similarities. Both are hard working and ambitious, and they share similar ideals. Leslie does not have children and Sarah does.

They currently live in different parts of the country. Leslie’s and Sarah’s friendship is currently marked by a period of transition. They are sorting out how to adjust to the challenges of midlife (parenting, careers, geographic moves, changing perspectives of the world) and how that impacts the friendship. However, the love and affection remain.

Lisa.

Lisa is a 42-year-old mother working in the area of law. She has known her friend Nicole since their late teens. They attended college together and have continued to develop their bond. Lisa admires the different choices and traits Nicole brings to the friendship and appreciates the unconditional support she experiences. Lisa prioritizes her friendship and is dedicated to regular contact. Lisa’s and Nicole’s friendship is marked by mutual acceptance, admiration, and adventure.

87 Natalie.

Natalie is a 42-year-old married mother working in the library sciences. She has known her friend Lena since her late teens. They met in college and have continued to develop their friendship since then. They were not initially extremely close; their bond developed and strengthened over the years. Natalie and Lena differ in regard to careers and family; however, they make their friendship a priority. Natalie’s and Lena’s friendship is marked by mutual support, admiration, and adventure.

Nora.

Nora is a 54-year-old single woman working in the mental health field. She has known her friend Carrie since childhood. They enjoyed a special school experience together and then parted ways for some years. They reunited in a different state and rekindled their friendship. Neither Nora nor Carrie has children and they enjoy professional and personal adventures in their lives. Their friendship is marked by admiration and playfulness.

Rose.

Rose is a 60-year-old partnered mother working in the area of law. She has known her friend Barbara since early adulthood. Rose and Barbara enjoy regular contact and

support. They have loving relationships with each other’s children and partners. Rose

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has a deeply rooted sense of appreciation and gratitude for this friendship. Rose reflects on the many years they have shared together and how they will continue to grow together through old age. Rose’s and Barbara’s friendship is marked by generosity, respect, admiration, support, and love.

Tara.

Tara is a 59-year-old married mother recently retired. She has known her friend Joan since her early teens. They met in high school wen both worked in the mall. Tara appreciates that Joan has been through many struggles and has known Tara’s as well.

They both draw on each other’s strengths and the sense of being known. They are aware of each other’s upbringing and are close to each other’s family of origin and current family. Tara’s and Joan’s friendship is marked by mutual admiration and acceptance.

Results: Raw Data Memoing and horizontalization.

Memo writing permitted me to challenge my rationale for decisions made throughout the course of research (operational memos). It also enabled me to categorize the initial raw data (coding memos) leading to the exploration of relationships among the various categories (analytic memos) (Birks, Chapman, & Francis, 2008). Horizontalization, as

described by Moustakas (1994), takes notice of significant phrases, statements, and

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comments that elucidate how the participants experienced the phenomenon (Creswell, 2013). The following results reflect the utilization of both of these memo-writing and horizontalization strategies.

Number of categories that emerged from the raw data.

Forty-six total categories emerged from the data. Nineteen of those 46 categories resulted from a prompted question and 27 out of those 46 categories resulted naturally from the participant, unprompted.

Type of categories.

In qualitative research, all responses are given equal weight and responses are not quantified. However, many of the initial categories identified were collapsed into the following 20 broad categories. These categories are being noted because all or most participants endorsed each category as an aspect of their experience with the phenomenon, and also because the categories reflected a high frequency of participant disclosures.

The following categories emerged from prompted interview questions (listed in order of frequency from high to low): changes due to development, differences between oneself and friend (in general), similarities perceived as beneficial, differences perceived

as beneficial, enliven/fun, similarities shared with friend (in general), validation,

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difference between oneself and friend perceived as problematic, history, and similarities shared with friend perceived as problematic.

All participants discussed ways in which their friendship has affected developmental tasks of parenting, work, and marriage/partnering and ways in which those developmental tasks have affected the friendship. Participants reported thoughts and feelings in this category in high frequency - 138 times. All participants shared ways in which they differed from their friend (82 times), ways in which those differences were beneficial (79 times), and ways in which those differences were problematic (36 times).

All participants shared similarities with their friend (68 times), ways in which those similarities were beneficial (80 times), and ways in which those similarities were problematic (13 times). The friendship’s offering opportunities to enliven was described 68 times and the friendship’s providing validating experiences was reported 45 times.

All participants described the impact of the history shared in the friendship (32 times).

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*Not noted in high frequency, but relevant to the study Table 1. Frequency of reported categories prompted by interview questions.

The number of participants who responded to these categories is not noted because they were all asked questions related to the category and subsequently responded. Instead, examining how often or in how many ways the participants endorsed the category was conceptualized.

92 The following categories emerged unprompted by participants (listed in order of frequency from high to low): experiences over time, being known/understood, reciprocity, admiration, acceptance, feeling special, safety, available, continuity, and family. All participants discussed ways in which the length of the friendship has affected them (42 times) and ways in which they feel deeply known and understood (36 times).

Participants expressed the reciprocity (32 times), admiration (33 times), acceptance (32 times), and feelings of safety (28 times) that were experienced in the friendship.

Participants also felt special in their friendship and reported this 31 times. Participants described the availability of the friend, continuity of the friendship over time, and sense of family experienced (27, 26, and 26 times respectively).

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Table 2. Frequency of reported categories unprompted by interview questions.

Since these categories emerged from participant interviews unprompted, the number of participants who endorsed the category is noted (in addition to the frequency of their report).

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Chapter V

Analysis Introduction: Five Themes Five themes emerged and are conceptualized: The Role of Differences, The Role of Similarities, The Role of Midlife, The Role of Long-Term, and The Role of Ten Surprising Key Features of the Friendships. The first four themes (The Role of Differences, The Role of Similarities, The Role of Midlife, and The Role of Long-Term) emerged from interview questions. The researcher asked broad questions in those four areas; however, the ways in which the participants experienced the friendship in those four categories were completely unique to them, unprompted by the researcher. The data reflecting the fifth theme (The Role of Ten Surprising Key Features of the Friendships) resulted unprompted by this researcher.

It is important to note while considering these results that the research questions asked how midlife females describe the experience of long-term friendships and how selfobject needs can be understood in these friendships. Research questions also asked how similarities and differences in personality would be described and experienced. The data actually illustrated other ways in which similarities and differences were described in

addition to personality traits. Participants discussed hobbies, values, decisions, and

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skills as well as personality traits when describing similarities and differences.

The Role of Differences and The Role of Similarities were the first two themes.

Differences were experienced as beneficial in three distinct ways: enlivening/challenging, balancing/completing, and validating/affirming. Differences were experienced as problematic in two distinct ways: feeling guilty and experiencing distance.

Participants experienced similarities as providing opportunities to be affirmed and validated, as well as opportunities to feel a sense of belonging and togetherness. They shared that similarities can sometimes create competition, can sometimes result in an expectation of the like-minded other to react in a certain way, and can, at times result in inertia.

The Role of Midlife in Personal and Friendship Development was the third theme that emerged from the study. Participants described the impact of the surrounding systems in their lives (career, children, spouses) on the friendship and the impact of the friendship on the surrounding systems. All participants experienced a sense of finite time to spend with loved ones. Finally, participants consistently described an improved sense of confidence and assertiveness, which was reflected in their friendships.

The fourth theme is The Role of “Long-Term� in Long-Term Friendships in Personal and Friendship Development. The long-term aspect of these friendships offered ample opportunities for developing a deeply rooted sense of history and shared experiences for

all participants. Participants experienced feeling profoundly known and intensely

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understood over time. The long-term friend served as a witness to one’s life events helping to organize their understanding of their experiences and thus providing a narrative. Participants reported “needing” the friend less now than in the early years of friendship, while still wanting and valuing them.

The fifth and final theme, The Role of Ten Surprising Key Features of the Friendships, was elucidated through the study. Early experiences were linked to the needs sought in the friendship; continuity was key; the friend was experienced like family; reciprocity was important; being stimulated through the friendship was one of the first thoughts that came to mind when interviewed; time with only the friend was critical; setting a strong foundation leading to bonding early on in the friendship was crucial in sustaining the friendship through the demands of midlife; continued shared values were vital; the women had an emotional skill set that made them good at being a friend; and due to the history and length of the friendship, there were “no deal breakers” in the friendship; participants felt that it could sustain just about anything.

Theme One, the Role of Differences: How and Why Opposites Attract Differences in friendships have been studied; however, the role of these differences was not yet explored prior to this study, particularly from a psychodynamic perspective in the midlife population. Differences were experienced as beneficial in three distinct ways;

enlivening/challenging, balancing/completing, and validating/affirming. Differences

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were experienced as problematic in two ways: feeling guilty and experiencing distance.

Participants shared ways in which they experienced differences as beneficial 79 times and ways in which they experienced differences as problematic 36 times. Differences tended to be related to personality traits, skills, or choices.

Differences experienced as beneficial: enlivening/challenging, balancing/completing, and validating/affirming.

Participants described feeling enlivened and challenged through opportunities to stretch and grow as well as through humor. Participants described a sense of sense of balance and completeness through admiration of differences. Participants experienced opportunities to find safety and security through the admired qualities of their friends.

Differences were also experienced as having validating functions (one’s own decisions and one’s unique skills and talents were validated). Participants described ways in which one’s own decisions were affirmed through observing the various choices and experiences of the friend. Participants also described how their own unique skills and talents (that perhaps the friend did not possess) offered opportunities to help the friend and contribute to the friendship. Both of these experiences were described as being validating.

Differences experienced as beneficial: enlivening/challenging.

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“I’m the Gayle to her Oprah.” (Becca) Participants described feeling enlivened through opportunities to stretch and grow by risking new things as well as tackling novel challenges. Participants expressed that they benefited from being exposed to different ways of thinking, encouraging them to step out of their sometimes monotonous routines. This was experienced as a jolting experience, promoting enthusiasm and inspiration. They also benefited from the surprise and joy of their friend’s humor. This encouraged a spirit of silliness and playfulness not common to women with midlife responsibilities and roles. It allowed the participants to remove themselves, albeit temporarily, from these social expectations of midlife. Participants felt stimulated by this enlivenment, which promoted a sense of feeling alive.

Enlivened through opportunities to stretch and grow.

Differences between oneself and one’s friend helped one to stretch, grow, and learn.

Participants shared that differences opened up possibilities for them. Differences fostered opportunities to be exposed to skills, talents, and strategies that one lacks or struggles to encompass oneself. Participants were able to observe a model of possibilities, other ways of handling, understanding, and approaching the world. Participants were able to experience these differences and observe what they look, sound, and feel like and incorporate these different qualities into their own repertoire if desired. This resulted in

improved motivation and ambition. For example, if one tended to be more passive and

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one’s friend was more assertive, it often stretched the participant to become more assertive. One participant desired to be more adventurous, and her friend brought this less developed quality out of her. It motivated the participants to tackle goals they might not otherwise have confronted. These differences allowed the participants to experience, then employ wanted skills.

Ally: I wish I was more sassy all the time yeah! I think I had a natural inclination… to read the room and be a little bit like a chameleon you know look to kind of meet the emotional tenor of the room and fit in and…if I have something to say I should say it.

She’s just so blunt and so honest she brings that out in me, she helps me I think she helps me to be more direct.

Kay: She’s very outer directed….She has a lot of things in the community…organizing, doing for other people and things like that, and I’m really very internally directed as a person. It’s been beneficial to see, it’s kind of a relief for me from my own kind of intense inner focus to be able to have that look out into the broad world and a little bit more perspective on what’s going on out there why that’s important to us. It puts my

attention in a different realm than I think I would go to naturally. And she can say

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things to me like, “You have to get more friends and leave the house more often.

That’s if you want to feel like you have a lot of people in your life, you actually have to go out and have a life; you can’t just go home and think about people you know.”

So for me that difference has been beneficial just in those terms….It gives me a different way to approach stuff than I would left in my own devices and that’s good for me.

Leslie: I think I was very influenced by her decision to go to a doctoral program. I am SURE that her whole process about thinking about going to a PhD program, what it was going to be in, made me think about well, maybe that would be a good choice for me. Sarah was very successful in these ways, so she got through her PhD program in a reasonable amount of time. I can’t get it done, I can’t get it done. I always wanted to be like, oh my gosh, how did you do it? I kind of wanted to be like, ah, help me to be more like you how did you do this? How did you get it done?

Natalie: I think it kind of makes me rise to her level. It gives me the confidence to be more expressive and more adventurous, because I feel so safe with her. I’m a planner. I

am, but I can get wrapped up in her impulsivity. Sometimes I get wrapped in her

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impulsivity, which makes it wonderful and fun.

Enlivened through humor.

Differences also provided an opportunity to feel enlivened through humor.

Participants expressed that they benefited from being surprised and caught off guard by their friend’s humor. This often encouraged a spirit of silliness and playfulness. It provided an opportunity to become childlike and let go of the level of maturity expected of mothers and career women. It allowed the participants to remove themselves, albeit temporarily, from the responsibilities of their midlife roles and responsibilities and reminded them of their childlike features. Humor also provided a temporary reprieve from social expectations of being politically correct and being a responsible citizen. This promoted a sense of feeling alive.

Becca: She’s hilarious and she literally will use herself to propel her humor. And she has no, like there is no humility…. We were in Grant Park after third of July and they’re trying to get everyone out. They had the police on horses and trying to corral everyone out. And they’re like, yelling, and there was this woman cop and she’s on her horse and she’s like, “Wrap it up, let’s go, get out,” and so Karen started

mimicking her behind her. She’s like, “Let’s go, move ‘em out.” And she was

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like right behind the horse, and the woman turns around and goes, “Hey, get your head outta there!” And we were like climbing up, and she was like, “It’s not funny, it’s not funny.” I’m like, oh you have no idea how funny this is, like it was amazing.

Kay: She’s funny about stuff that matters, you know. It’s not like ha-ha funny…. Like that’s really deep, that’s one of those things that, like, those really depressed comedians get up and talk about…. It’s a deeply funny thing. And she just isn’t afraid to make those things funny, like… what was it? It was something awful, like their really close family friends, um, the daughter had accused her father of molesting her or something really, really awful, and you know she was able to, like, make a joke about, “Oh, that explains all the funny things that happened at Thanksgiving dinner.”

I don’t even remember what it was, but it was like, you know, an area you should not tread in. She just goes there and makes it funny…. I find it refreshing. As weird as that sounds, I find it really refreshing and positive to be with someone who’s kind of unafraid in those dark spaces.

Leslie: That’s another funny story, we were so freaking nerdy. We would study so much.

We would lock ourselves into this totally crappy library, and it was open late and

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it was freezing, but we didn’t want to go all the way back to, like, get something else to wear, and the campus store was right next door, so we both got these track pants!

But they were only in extra, extra large, and so we both had those track pants. We wore them for years after!

Nora: She’s certainly my funniest friend….I could put one pea on the dish, be like, I'm trying this new recipe. I mean, she'll look at me and she won’t know if I’m joking….

We'll say to each other, “Wouldn't it be funny if,” so we'll fake shoplift, or “Wouldn’t it be funny if” I was really candid with this artist and say, “You know I like what you've done with this, but the way you’ve put yourself together you look like shit.”

Well, this friendship happens to be the most playful one.

Differences experienced as beneficial: balancing/completing.

“She’s the Ying to my Yang.” (Becca) Participants often described their friend as offering something different than they had to offer, which was then experienced as “completing them” or creating a sense of balance. The friend compensating for one’s shortfalls was described as comforting and also promoting a sense of peace. Opportunities to find comfort through admired

differences were experienced. This type of friendship offered assistance in coping

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with or managing a challenge in a way these women might not necessarily feel capable of doing without their friend. The participants felt more emotionally safe through this access to the friend’s different skill set. Participants felt comforted and also experienced a feeling of safety through these opportunities.

Balance and completeness.

Having the opportunity to integrate a different approach, skill, and talent currently lacking in oneself provided an opportunity for balance and a sense of feeling complete. It provided an opportunity to feel whole. Participants experienced this as anxiety reducing.

The friend was able to “rein” one in and calm one down, keeping the participant safe in social and emotional ways.

Ally: I was like the vanilla version of her and she was the chocolate version of me …. I think feeling a sense of otherness that we both felt for different reasons. Her, I think more definitely about race, and myself more about sexuality. It draws you together to a certain extent, so I think there was part of friendship that was much about sharing with each other. Here is my otherness, here is where I’m coming from.

105 Becca: And, for me, she’s always been a voice of reason for me. She’s a good gauge for me, a good check for, if I’m right or if I’m wrong, I trust her in that way... if somebody is like coming at me…I want to, like say everything and sometimes she’ll be like, just rein it in….And like, and she’ll come from her place, which is a little bit more calm. I definitely think it’s been helpful, like you know, I mean I, I could use a little bit more of like conservative in my life.

Katie: Well, I think that she can rein me in sometimes, because I can be really stubborn and opinionated, so…this whole nonsense where every kid has to get a trophy and I’m like, I don’t believe in that and I’m like, come on, I’m out there to win….We’ll be sitting at a sporting event and the coach will rotate in a player, I’ll be sitting next to Lynn. She’ll be, “Keep your voice down. Put your hands down.” She’ll be like, “Not so loud, they’re sitting right there” and she’ll be, “That’s so mean, stop.” So, yeah, when I’ll be getting upset about something, like, the whole time.

Rose: Maybe there’s a way in which her being not quite so high energy and pushing so hard

is a good reminder to me to slow down. And to be patient….The bottom line is

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really, it’s okay, and I’m okay just sitting there and having tea, and that’s not such a bad thing for me. I don’t always have to be moving every minute. So, I think there’s a little bit of that. It requires me to just be patient and accept things. I think that probably is good for me.

Tara: When you get a chance to talk to somebody about these things…in a way that isn’t guarded and doesn’t have to exaggerate or downplay or just kind of put it out there, it is such a release, really such a release!

Safety through admiration.

Differences between the participants and their friends offered many opportunities to admire. This went beyond observing the differences and instead moved into admiration.

The participants shared many ways in which they admire their friend. Interestingly, participants were not specifically asked if or how they admire their friend; they simply offered this experience and often did so almost immediately upon the start of the interview process. All participants shared ways in which they admire their friend for capacities, strengths, and capabilities that they themselves lacked (or with which they were limited).

Participants elaborated on this experience of admiration by describing how they

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find strength in the other’s admired quality. It offered assistance in coping with or managing a challenge in a way they did not necessarily feel capable of doing without one’s friend. Participants expressed awe, amazement, pride, and wonder at their friend’s admired qualities; they felt that their friend “could do anything,” appearing indestructible at times. This was often experienced as a feeling of safety and security.

Becca: I’m the Gayle King to her Oprah. It’s no joke, I’ll walk into parties and people will be like, “Hey Becca, where’s Karen?” One of my most proud moments of her was at Susan’s funeral and her eulogy that she did. It was unbelievable because it was the most selfless act I’ve ever seen. She literally spoke directly to the children….And never was I more proud of her….It was amazing. So, there is like a side of her that like I definitely wish I could be a little bit more controlled in certain things and stoic, because she is, always.

Natalie: What I admire most about her is that despite all the stress that she has, she’s incredibly strong. Nothing keeps her down. She could be juggling working 70 hours a week and trying to get the boys to their practices and dealing with a crazy ex-wife but she still

can laugh and laugh through her tears. And she keeps going.

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Nora: Well, I’ve thought about my friendships a lot, and I think that it's important for me to admire the person. And I want to be, want to have some of their traits or try to develop the traits that I might share with them even more.

Tara: I think we both think the other one is better. There’s a lot I admire about her. She’s had a kind of amazing life and a life where she’s really had to struggle through that I just think is amazing….It’s a mutual admiration society basically. She’s really a strong person….People who know her really well know what she’s overcome and how she has made things work as a single parent …. She’s really strong .…Her father was murdered in her backyard….She was abused by her grandmother who raised her.…I just see all sorts of strength and such interesting things there….I’m just in awe of her.

109 Differences experienced as beneficial: validating/affirming.

“I think it helps her…to lighten up a little bit sometimes.” (Becca) “I’m doing the right thing, having cats.” (Jenna) One’s own decisions affirmed.

Differences provided ample opportunities for validating experiences. All participants shared ways in which they felt validated in their friendship. Participants found their own choices validated by observing different choices made by their friend. They often found that they felt better about decisions they had made by observing the different choices made by their friend. For example, observing the friend parenting might confirm one’s decision to not have children, or observing the friend devoting ample time to work might confirm one’s decision to avoid a particularly competitive work environment.

Participants shared these experiences in nonjudgmental ways, acknowledging that the decisions made by their friend were right for them; however, it provided an opportunity to observe the impact of different decisions. This was almost always experienced as affirming.

Jenna: I feel like we were two sides of a coin, where we were both looking at each other’s lives because they were so different, where I went to the city, forged my own path,

figured out my own way, was single - which was not fun - but trying to figure it

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out. She got married, house, kids, raising a family. We both watched what the other person was doing because it wasn’t like moving into the city, and then getting married and then moving. No, they were completely … we were polar opposites….I think we just watched our lives as we went along with our different paths….I didn’t want what she had, and I don’t think she wanted what I had, but it was interesting to watch what our lives were doing as we went along….Thank god I don’t have that stuff going on.

It just confirms that I’m doing the right thing, having cats. I’ve made the right choice, yeah.

Lisa: I think it’s just reinforcing our…individuality, identity as Nicole or Lisa, not as mother, wife, co-worker, whatever but as a co-person, and really validating the good and bad things through the years….And I think just being able to sort of…really empathize with one another’s pain and struggles and to totally celebrate each other’s accomplishments and joys. It’s a really lovely part of life, my life.

One’s unique skills and talents validated.

Participants benefited from the friend’s different skills, talents, and approaches to the world, but they also experienced feelings of validation when their friend benefited from

their own skills, talents, and approaches to the world. The experience of contributing

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to the friend and to the world, of being able to leave the friend and the world better than one found them was particularly gratifying for participants. Participants described having a finite sense of time left and wanting to give back.

Becca: Unlike me, I’m kind of more like all over, my emotions are out in front all the time.

So, yeah, I would say that’s beneficial. And I think it helps her, too, to become kind of like, lighten up a little bit sometimes, you know, and not be so serious about everything.

Lisa: I think I have pushed her to do something that she maybe would have kept in the “maybe someday box” sooner and faster.

Tara: She’s really wonderful to me. She attributes all sorts of things that are really her own personal strength to our friendship and, you know, what we’ve kind of done together….her anxiety….I’m a little I’m comfortable with in terms of being like a fixer.

112 Differences experienced as problematic: Feeling guilty and feelings of distance.

“You don’t have a kid at home, you don’t have to get up and get school lunches.” (Ally) “I don’t want to complain about my silly little things.” (Natalie) Differences between the participants and their friends resulted in two kinds of problematic experiences. Participants often felt that if their situation (marriage, career, children, etc.) was perceived as being “better” or “easier” than one’s friend’s it could result in feelings of guilt. For example, if the participant was in a better financial position, had to work less, had more help with childcare, etc. there were often feelings of guilt. Participants often minimized their experience or did not talk about it as openly with their friend. Also, differences in one’s choices (one having children and one not, one moving away from the other, etc.) were sometimes experienced as a feeling of distance. Consequently, participants found it more difficult to feel connected to their friend during these times. When asked, participants frequently described differences perceived as problematic, although they noted these differences were “minor,” without a serious impact on the friendship.

Ally: So, we’ll get together and I know she’s going out after we’re seeing each other. I’m

like, that’s because you don’t have a kid at home, you don’t have to get up and get

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school going and lunches, etc. So there’s a way that she kind of, I guess for me, she represents this single woman in your 40’s who doesn’t have a partner and who doesn’t have kids and you have a freedom in your life. All you have to do is work and take care of yourself. Well that’s kind of great. And I think I sometimes get really bogged down by the feelings of responsibility. I have to provide.

Natalie: She has a pretty crazy life…She shares custody with her ex-partner. This sounds horrible but my life is cake, it really is. I’ve got a great husband, my kids are good, we don’t have any issues and when I see her, the stuff that she’s going through, it puts my life in perspective. So sometimes, when we’re talking, I listen to her and then she says, “Oh what’s going on with you?” And I don’t want to complain about my silly little things because I know that she’s got a much tougher situation.

Tara: I retired at the beginning of the year and I think I’m having a hard time with it…I talked about it a little bit with Joan. How can you complain to somebody who’s working so hard and doesn’t have enough money and…so I’m kind of withholding ….I feel a little adrift that way, that I’m not able to sort of be totally honest.

114 Summary of Theme One 1. Differences were experienced as beneficial in three distinct ways; enlivening/challenging, balancing/completing, and validating/affirming.

2. Participants described feeling enlivened and challenged through opportunities to stretch and grow as well as through humor.

3. Participants described a sense of sense of balance and completeness through admiration of differences.

4. Differences were experienced as having validating functions: one’s own skills and talents affirmed, and one’s own choices, by observing the decisions of the friend.

5. Differences offered opportunities to have an admired other as well as an opportunity to be admired. Participants experienced opportunities to find safety and security through the admired qualities of one’s friend.

6. Differences perceived as problematic, although noted frequently when asked about, were also described as being “minor,” without a serious impact on the friendship.

7. Participants shared ways in which they experienced differences as beneficial 79 times and ways in which they experienced differences as problematic 36 times.

8. Differences tended to be related to personality traits, skills, or choices.

115 Theme Two, the Role of Similarities: How and Why Birds of a Feather Flock Together

Similarities in friendships have been studied; however, the role of these similarities was yet to be explored prior to this study, particularly from a psychodynamic perspective in the midlife population. All participants experienced similarities with their friend as beneficial. Most often noted were shared activities, shared values, and a sense of “we.”

Participants experienced these similarities as providing opportunities to be affirmed, validated (I value you and we are alike), and celebrated, as well as a feeling sense of belonging and togetherness. Similarities were more likely to be related to activities, hobbies, and values than to personality traits, skills, or lifestyle choices as seen in differences.

Some participants experienced the similarities shared with their friend as problematic at times. They shared that similarities can sometimes create competition, can sometimes result in an expectation of the like minded other to react in a certain way (not allowing for individual differences in a given moment), and can, at times, result in inertia (not pushing the other to grow). Similarities perceived as problematic were described as minor, manageable issues and were never “deal breakers.” Participants shared ways in which they experienced similarities as beneficial 80 times and ways in which they experienced similarities as problematic only 13 times.

116 Similarities experienced as beneficial: Shared activities, shared values, and a sense of “we.”

“It’s not an activity – it’s a friendship!” (Kay) “I will smile back at you and remind you of your goodness.” (Rose)

Similarities experienced as beneficial: shared activities.

Participants described many activities and hobbies they had in common with their friend. These shared activities offered a forum, predicable easy-to-plan activities, that set up opportunities for conversations and experiences that would further deepen the bond.

These activities did not appear to define their friendship except that they structured time to be together. In other words, it was not really “about the activity”; instead it was about the time together, the interaction, and the experience together. It allowed participants to experience shared joy and compatibility.

Katie: We both like vacationing to warm places. We like the same types of TV shows. We used to play tennis together too, we both like doing that together and we both love shopping and going out to nice restaurants and we just have a lot of similarities in things we like.

Lisa:

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I think one of the places where Nicole and I connect is we love nature, we love to be outdoors, we love water, we love hiking.

Tara: We get to share the time together. We like to do the same kinds of things, we’re pretty compatible activity wise.

Similarities experienced as beneficial: shared values.

Participants described shared values as a more meaningful benefit of similarities.

Activities and personality traits could change and then be accepted; however, sharing common core values was experienced as crucial to the friendship. This promoted a sense of trust. Participants did not go into much depth in this area. Instead, it was an assumption that, although different in many ways, they were cut from the same cloth.

Participants shared core beliefs related to family, community, and relationships, although their approaches to these areas could differ dramatically.

Katie: A lot of our values and beliefs and the way we’re raising our kids and, because of our parents, we were raised very similarly. It’s just that maybe she’s quieter and more laid

back, and I can be more loud and outgoing and dominant, but at the base of it all,

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I’d say we both have a lot of the core beliefs and values that we’ve been brought up with and want our kids to be brought up.

Rose: I think that our commitment to friendship and our commitment to relationships is very similar. We take life seriously in the same way. We look at the things around us and the people we engage with and the things that we do in the world and we take those things both seriously and also can laugh at them and ourselves in the way that we do things. So, we just have very similar values about community, about friendships and relationships, about how one wants to be in the world, hopes and dreams for ourselves and our kids, just a lot of similarities that way.

Similarities experienced as beneficial: sense of belonging and togetherness.

The experience of similarities promoted a sense of “we.” Participants described how shared activities and shared values led to time spent together. Others often described themselves as a “package deal” and were often expected to be together. In fact, many described their sense of “we” as being so strong that they were often mistaken for each other or talked to as if they were one entity instead of two individuals. Spouses and family members of the participants assumed the friend was just “part of the deal” of

being in the participant’s life. Participants also described experiences of feeling more

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special to their friend than others in their friend’s lives. These factors promoted a sense of belonging, togetherness, and kinship.

Becca: We are a lot alike and we do appreciate the same things and we are invested in the same things. I definitely think that helps, for sure. I mean, truly sometimes we consider ourselves to have, like. one brain…. I think both of our husbands are kind of like, they know it’s a package deal.

Kay: I sometimes have the experience of watching her, like if we run into someone else we know while we’re out, of watching her, like, turn into this other person! You know the chatty, surface person….And then they, like, walk away and we’re right back right back to the jokes about child molesters. So it does, it feels really special to me too I think it feels really special to me to feel like we are comfortable in that space together, so that’s a nice thing too that makes me feel special….I remember when James and I were moving in together and, like, what things we’re going to shift around. Like if he’s still going to be in his book group that I wasn’t a part of, or was he going to stay home on Sunday nights with me and the kids because we have this thing, we watch

movies and eat popcorn on Sunday nights. Like, how are those, are those going to

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change around when get married and I remember my getting together with Sandy was one of those things I could care less with what you think whether that’s important to you or not, that’s not changing.…That’s not even in the category. It’s not an activity; it’s a friendship.

Katie: We had all kinds of names Frick and Frack, peanut butter and jelly.…Like we’re kind of a package deal.

Leslie: Having a “partner in crime” and feeling supported both in terms of activities…as well as for emotional support.

121 Similarities experienced as problematic: Competition, expectations resulting in disappointments, and inertia.

“She had her little mini-breakdown and I wanted to have one!” (Becca) “I was like, WHAT????” (Leslie) “My husband says we can never win Amazing Race because we are too similar!”

(Natalie)

Some participants experienced the similarities shared with their friend as problematic at times. They shared that similarities can sometimes create competition. Participants also shared that being similar sometimes resulted in disappointed expectations when the friend did not react in an expected way. Similarities can also result in inertia; not pushing the other to grow. Similarities perceived as problematic were described as minor, manageable issues and were never “deal breakers.”

Similarities experienced as problematic: Competition.

Participants shared that similarities can sometimes create competition although they explained that it was not a significant problem. In fact, many found humor in this dynamic.

Becca:

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I mean, the only time, honest to God, in college, when she did have her little mini breakdown and I wanted to have one and my mom was like it’s not your time, it’s Karen’s, and I was, like, okay. And it was really true, I mean, I only wanted to do it because she was doing it. I was like, why does she get to take a semester off and I don’t?

Leslie: I guess just in that maybe there were times when we were competitive, because we’re sort of on the same spot like when we were in the same city together.…We're both graduates from the same university.

Rose: This is actually a funny story. We like the same exact clothes. The same exact clothes. In our lives we have often bought the same thing. I’m not kidding you. And we don’t shop together because we don’t really like to shop. So she shops from catalogs and I go to little boutiques and I’m always a little afraid to tell her about my favorite boutiques because if I do she’s going to get something I want. It’s so funny.

The first year that we were friends I went out and bought a dress for a wedding.

Luckily it was not here, and I said, “Oh my god, I got the cutest dress” and I brought it

out to show her, and she said, “I bought the same dress!” I think there’s a teeny,

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teeny, teeny bit of competitiveness that happens sometimes with our similarities.

Similarities experienced as problematic: Expectations resulting in disappointments.

Having so many similarities sometimes created expectations that the friend was going to respond in a particular way - in the same way the participant would respond. Not allowing for individual differences in a given moment was problematic at times. This became more meaningful as developmental changes and growth in midlife occurred.

Kay: There have been times, I think, when we’ve assumed that the other would react in a certain way to something and that wasn’t the case and it created a little more tension.

That assumption that the other person is just going to feel the same way we feel I think has caused tension in both directions a little bit.

Leslie: The work that I’m doing now I’m not doing for power or for money. I’m doing it because I actually feel like it makes a difference and I feel like I’m actually helping people and her response was something like … “When we’re in college we’re all

really idealistic and you have this certain view of how like how you could change

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the world and what you could do,” with this sort of reality, rational based thinking or whatever, and “Then we all kind of get to this point when we realize like that’s not what life is really about or that’s not like how life is,” and I was like, What???

Similarities experienced as problematic: Inertia.

Some participants experienced the similarities shared with their friend as problematic in terms of allowing inertia to settle in. Unconditional acceptance and understanding provided in the friendship could lead to a comfort in the way things are and not the way they could or should be. Similarities provided a sense of “we,” but this sense of “this is who we are” could also promote a contentment with the status quo that could be problematic at times.

Kim: We have one friend who is a thorn on both of our sides but since we are both similar we allow her to do it. We might vent to each other about her but might not necessarily do something about it, which maybe is not to our advantage but we tend to take the road of least resistance in that realm.

125 Natalie: We have this dream that we’ll both sign up for the Amazing Race and my husband says, “No you cannot do that because you are too similar, your strengths and your weaknesses are too similar, and you guys will be blown away in the dust.”

Tara: We can go too far … where you’re sort of not pushing each other …beyond their comfort zones.

Summary of Theme Two 1. Similarities perceived as beneficial help one to experience a sense of belonging and kinship.

2. Similarities perceived as beneficial have a validating quality (I value you and we are alike).

3. Similarities perceived as problematic were described as minor, manageable issues and were never “deal-breakers.”

4. Participants shared ways in which they experienced similarities as beneficial 80 times and ways in which they experienced similarities as problematic only 13 times.

5. Similarities were more likely to be related to activities, hobbies, and values.

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Themes One and Two: Compare and Contrast 1. Differences and similarities were experienced fairly consistently, although differences were reported slightly more often (197 and 161 times respectively).

2. Differences and similarities were experienced as beneficial extremely consistently among all participants. (79 and 80 times respectively).

3. Both differences and similarities were far more likely to be experienced as beneficial than problematic (shared 79/80 times as beneficial and 36/13 times as problematic respectively).

4. Participants had similar values and interests and differed in terms of some personality traits, skills, or lifestyle choices.

Theme Three, the Role of Midlife in Personal and Friendship Development Systems Matter! Finite Time! I’m More Comfortable in My Own Skin!

Participants described the impact of the surrounding systems in their lives (career, children, spouses) on the friendship and the impact of the friendship on the surrounding systems. All participants experienced a sense of finite time to spend with loved ones, including friends, and a limited time to spend worrying or dealing with unnecessary problems. Finally, participants consistently described an improved sense of confidence

and assertiveness, which was reflected in their friendships. All participants

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frequently (a total of 138 times) noted issues and strengths related to midlife, demonstrating needs and resources present in this developmental stage.

The role of midlife in personal and friendship development: Systems matter!

Participants noted that other systems (spouses, other friends, aging parents, grandchildren) were either a positive impact or not an impact on the friendship. Most participants’ children and their friend’s children were easily integrated into each other’s lives or there was a conscious decision to keep the friendship somewhat separate from family. Most participants experienced long commutes and demanding careers as limiting the amount of time spent with the friend. Also, the level of support from the spouse affected the friendship.

Leslie: So I feel like all of these other systems are impacting the continuity of our friendship, our ability to connect... it has to do with the systems around it.

Natalie: To be honest, I'm a bit embarrassed by this, but I think our friendship has lasted so long because we’ve always lived far apart. We’ve never been bogged down with

everyday problems of being annoyed with quirks or habits, being offended by not

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being included to this party or that dinner, no conflicts because our kids don't get along - you know, everyday pitfalls of friends who live in the same city or who are neighbors. When we’re together…or when we call…we are able to enjoy and fully commit to those times because they aren’t common or frequent.

Systems matter: Parenting.

“We’ve interacted with each other’s kids in loving and sometimes life-saving ways!”

(Kay)

Most participants’ children and their friend’s children were easily integrated into each other’s lives or there was a conscious decision to keep the friendship somewhat separate from family. In friendships where both were parenting, there was often a feeling of support, a deepened bond when kids interacted with each other and when the friend interacted with one’s children. There was a sense of expanded family. In friendships where one was not parenting and the other was, the sense of focus and time was sometimes impaired, and this often created a sense of distance due to difficulty relating to certain tasks and responsibilities.

129 A feeling of support, a deepened bond.

Kay: We saw each other interact with each other’s children in very positive and loving and helpful ways, sometimes lifesaving!

Jackie: I think she got pregnant with her son shortly after I did, and I think it really bonded us in many ways, and I think that as parents we really supported each other. I remember having this conversation later like her son is such a wonderful kid and just giving her such credit. I think we both really have been very supportive of each other.

Rose: And then we got pregnant about the same time; we had kids about the same time. We hung out together with our sons all the time. And they ended up being very, very, very close. They’re really good friends also. So we ended up raising children together, too. So I think it was something being at the same stage in life that really, it was really important at that particular point.

130 A neutral impact.

Tara: There are a lot parents where once they have a kid their lives are so different but I cannot say I thought that was a huge difference to our friendship.… I mean I’m sure we didn’t talk as much as we used to, but I don’t think it was too bad.

A sense of distance.

Jenna: Your friendship changes when there are kids involved, and then once the kids grow you can shift back to where you were.

Leslie: I think there’s been a major transition in the friendship….I still call her a best friend, but the contact with her is so different and I’m just kind of like waiting for her son to grow up because it’s hard to even have a sustained phone call without like Mommy!

Mommy! Mommy!

131 Systems matter: Career choices.

“Availability gets much more limited with a long commute.” (Ally) Most participants experienced long commutes and demanding careers as limiting the amount of time spent with the friend. However, few participants noted this as a significant impairment in their friendship. Most of the participants had similar vocational responsibilities similar to their friend’s, which was less problematic than for participants whose career choices significantly differed from their friend’s. Some noted how other tasks of midlife affected career decisions. Overall, the impact of careers on the friendship and the impact of the friendship on careers were minimal.

Ally: I think availability gets much more limited when you have kids, when you have a partner, when you have a career that feels more established, if you have a long commute.

Kay: We had these children and not enough time to do all of the things we needed to do to make the career perfect.

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Kim:

I guess that’s nice that our careers are very parallel together so it’s kind of going the same way. We’ve talked to each other about our careers, but they’re not the basis of like who we are.

Systems matter: Marriage and partnering.

“That brings in a whole other layer of connection or distance.” (Leslie)

The level of support from the spouse/partner affected the friendship. Factors such as whether or not spouses/partners got along with each other, whether or not the spouse/partner could care for children independently, and whether or not one was married and the other was not affected the friendship. Some participants reported keeping spouses separate from their friendships.

Becca: Because a lot of the time she was single, so once she started understanding that there are marital things that you have to go through and it’s not all puppy dogs and rainbows….I think that gave her a better perspective, because sitting outside of it with zero children, zero spouse…not a finance worry in the world….It made a difference.

133 Leslie: How do you see their connection to each other and how do you connect with the partner, and then how do they connect with your partner, and then how do the partners connect with each other? And how are you as a foursome….? That brings in a whole other layer of connection or distance.

Lisa: Most of my friendships, my real friendships, have always been independent of whatever primary intimate relationship that I’m in, so my friendships have lasted through lots of other relationships because they’re not dependent on that.

134 The role of midlife in personal and friendship development: A sense of finite time.

“There’s more of a practicality around things like time and space and money and energy.” (Leslie) “She’s grown completely gray, beautiful, beautiful gray, and I look at her, and I think, wow, when I met this woman she was not gray.” (Rose)

Participants described a sense of finite time due to the demands of midlife tasks as well as a sense of finite time due to age. Participants described a limited amount of time and energy because of parenting, working, and being a spouse. Some participants, particularly participants on the older end of the midlife continuum, described a sense of finite time due to age; a limited amount of “time left.” Quantity of time together significantly was reduced for many participants when compared to the early years of their friendship. However, most expressed that the quality of time together has improved.

135 Finite time due to midlife tasks.

Kim: Maybe that’s what happens when you’re in your 40’s - you start to look at your relationships….I just feel like life is precious, life is short, life is busy and I think that you need to spend your time wisely.

Leslie: I think she feels that she has sort of limited time and energy for things, that there’s certainly not just gonna be the meandering phone call you know. It’s going to be like, okay, I have like 20 minutes from this time to this time. There’s more a just like a practicality around time and space and money and energy.

Finite time due to age.

Rose: Looking at each other, Barbara is completely gray….She’s grown completely gray, beautiful, beautiful gray, and I look at her, and I think, wow, when I met this woman she was not gray. There’s also that celebration of having journey together, and this is where we’ve come. We are not young anymore. It’s really weird. How to be in that phase of life together I think we keep together.

Tara:

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Whatever the future holds I feel like…we’re going to…grow old together, it’s that kind of friendship….Her mother died a couple of years ago….It makes me sad that her best friend has lost her best friend….I think Joan thinks about it more because she’s worried about her health….I’m not going to lose Joan prematurely….It’s just not going to happen; we’re going to grow old together. We’ve had some physical things that I don’t think either one of us has much patience about talking to each other. She has a heart issue. I don’t think either one of us really likes to talk about it that much, that part of it.

Finite time: quality versus quantity.

Becca: We try to really make an effort to have good quality time because we obviously don’t have the quantity we need to, we’re not roommates, we’re not single, and go out all the time. So it’s quality experiences.

Katie: Whether we’re having a night out with friends or just hanging out at home on our back deck in sweats while the kids swim or in the summer, or whatever so yeah I just really look forward to any time we get to be together.

137 The role of midlife in personal and friendship development: Improved confidence and assertiveness.

“I'm certainly more fearless this decade of life.” (Nora)

Participants experienced improved comfort with and confidence in themselves in midlife. Many attributed that to developmental maturity as well as finite time.

Participants often made comments like “at this point in my life” and “I don’t have time to worry about that,” demonstrating a need to be selective about what one chooses to engage in and tolerate. They were able to ask for what they needed and were less likely to be willing to change or expect the other to change. Participants were more comfortable in their own skin. Participants were more likely to be accepting of their flaws and the flaws of their friend without challenge; however, they were more likely (than when they were younger) to speak up if they were upset. The sense of safety developed over time helped with this.

Jackie: I think now as I’m older I’m just not afraid of her anymore and I want to call her bluff and say, “You don’t want to walk away from me either.’ Now at 40 years old I felt much more like—I never want to sacrifice such a long friendship. I would never walk

away from the friendship, but I think I felt less afraid of her this time.

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Kim: Age helps you grow too and experience has helped me grow, and I can appreciate who she is, but I also feel like I have gained an appreciation for myself and the things I've chosen in my world. I guess is that what happens in your 40s….I feel like I am so happy with who she has become but also happy with who I’ve become.

Nora: I'm certainly more fearless this decade of life than I was in my 40s or 30s. There is something that comes with that that’s super cool.

Summary of Theme Three 1. Participants noted that other systems (spouses, other friends, aging parents, grandchildren) had either a positive impact or no impact on the friendship. Most participants’ children and their friend’s children were easily integrated into each other’s lives or there was a conscious decision to keep the friendship somewhat separate from family. Most participants experienced long commutes and demanding careers as limiting the amount of time spent with the friend. Also, the level of support from the spouse/partner affected the friendship.

2. Acknowledging one’s finite time to accomplish goals and wishes was

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elucidated throughout the interviews with the participants on the younger end of the midlife continuum. Participants on the older end of the continuum expressed a sense of finite time in regard to time left to live with the friend. Quantity of time together in midlife was significantly reduced for many participants, although most stated that the quality of time together was improved compared to their younger years.

3. Participants were more likely to be accepting of their flaws and the flaws of their friend without challenge; however, they were more likely than when they were younger to speak up if they considered something to be important.

4. Participants described ways in which they contribute to others. This specifically emerged in terms of differences that presented opportunities to use one’s unique skills and talents to help one’s friend.

5. All participants noted issues and strengths related to midlife in high frequency (138 times), demonstrating needs and resources present in this developmental stage.

140 Theme Four, the Role of “Long-Term” in Long-Term Friendship on Personal and Friendship Development

History and shared experiences, feeling known, narratives, and need versus want.

The long-term aspect of these friendships offered ample opportunities for developing a deeply rooted sense of history and shared experiences for all participants. Participants experienced feeling profoundly known and intensely understood over time due to this history and shared experiences. Being known over time increase their sense acceptance, leading to a deepening of trust, which in turn permitted a sense of safety.

Many participants used the word, “witness,” as in “my friend has been a witness to my life.” The long-term friend served as a witness to their life events. Both the experience of a friend’s bearing witness as well as the act of being interviewed about this friend, helped to organize their understanding of their experiences.

Participants reported “needing” the friend less now than in the early years of friendship, while still wanting and valuing them. There is a theme of quantity versus quality in these long-term friendships in midlife. Participants spent less time together in midlife when compared to their early years, due to developmental tasks and demands.

However, most participants felt so deeply known by the friend that a shorthand communication developed. Participants described the quality of their current interactions

as more valuable in some ways. As their needs became less intense, they could spend

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less time together without compromising the quality of the bond.

The role of “long-term” in long-term friendship in personal and friendship development: history and shared experiences.

“She’s Home.” (Jenna) “She undergirds my existence. I am a person who can be loved over a period of time.”

(Leslie) “I want to remember who I was when we were first friends.” (Nora)

All participants experienced a deeply rooted sense of history with their friend. This long-term relationship with their friend offered ample opportunities for shared experiences. Participants felt profoundly known and intensely understood over time due to this history and these shared experiences. Experiencing this over time was required for this to develop. Participants stated that they did not feel as if they needed to explain why they were the way they were because their friend has been through their life events with them and often knew their early experiences. This helped participants feel accepted and known. Many participants used the word, “witness,” as in the friend’s bearing witness to their life.

The experience of a shared history promoted a level of acceptance that led to a

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feeling of safety. Having this history also provides opportunities to observe growth in oneself and one’s friend. Participants described having a long-term friend who has witnessed their life events as a very solidifying and grounding experience, providing important links to the past. Participants described how this history, coupled with shared experiences over time, promoted their personal and friendship development.

History and acceptance/safety.

Participants explained that because of the history, acceptance has developed over time. This level of acceptance of one another promoted a sense of safety. Participants described ways in which the history sustains the friendship. Some mentioned that were they to meet their friend today, they might not become friends. However, the history with this friend creates acceptance and safety that many of the participants do not risk with other, newer friendships.

Kay: I think if I met her in a social situation now without having the history, I might not connect with her….We don’t have a lot of the same political views and we don’t enjoy doing a lot of the same kinds of things, and we have different priorities….We do those things really differently, but the way we’ve interacted over

time has been just wonderful-really supportive, I think, in both directions!

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Kim: It comes from your history, is what I would assume. When you meet someone and you had not invested a very long time in your friendship, you're not as tolerant to different things so you do learn that tolerance from time.

Tara: You could be yourself when there’s history…compared to friendships I’ve developed in the last 10 years really they’re at a different level. They really are at a different level because it’s kind of like you really don’t need to know anything about all that stuff back then….Well I think because we’ve had such a long history and we have a lot to share like we know a lot about each other’s family…we have this other part of our lives to share that keep this in sync, that’s safe to talk about, so that history I guess we built…it just continues to be like cement.

History and growth.

Participants described the joy in observing how their friend has grown over time.

There is a sense of delight observing their friend in current contexts knowing from where they came. There is also deep pleasure in having one’s own growth being observed over

time. This helps to appreciate where one is currently as compared to where one once

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was.

Ally: It’s knowing our history together; knowing where she comes from is really important, and so having the shared history is really important, understanding that journey, because if you saw Olivia, you would just never know where she came form and I know how much she’s grown like I do and I know I’ve grown by virtue of having her as a friend.

Kay: I didn’t start out trusting her as much as I trust her now. That really has just built up over time, and repeated contact, and continued interactions to the point where I just don’t feel like there’s anything at all that I couldn’t talk to her about, and now it’s not like a personality trait that I trusted her from the beginning….Or something like that.

It’s not based on that, it’s really based on the relationship. Yeah, and a lot of shared experience and exchange I think certainly for me. That’s been critical.

Nora: I know what she's made of because I know her upbringing. You can know about your

adult friends to some extent, but it's really interesting to see how people have

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developed over time. She's the person who’s really known me the longest so it's very grounding….To know each other through very undeveloped phases to extremely awkward phases of adolescence, then to have split when we had our own lives and stuff. And then to come back together now in a more mature state.

History and link to past: a grounding experience.

Participants used words like “grounding,” and “solidifying” when describing the impact of history on the friendship. Having someone who knows their earlier experiences and significant people in their early lives had an important impact. Not having to explain why they are the way they are because the friend was a witness to experiences had a grounding effect. Having a history of mistakes and changes, yet still being loved helped to solidify one’s worth. Friends were an important link to the past in a grounding way, without stunting their need to grow and develop.

Jackie: Having been a part of each other’s history or liking that there’s someone out there who knows your history. The loss of my dad and also her mother’s mental illness…. I think that there’s such a feeling of, like, “you know what I’ve lost” or “you know from where I come” that really binds us. I think that it counts for a lot of why it goes on

and on.

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Leslie: There are some things that just gives you a sense of solidity….They undergird your existence or who you are….I don’t know how else to describe it except like it can make you feel more solid and, like, yup, I love people and have been loved for over 20 years. There is some core of something in me and in them and in us coming together that feels good and reinforcing….I’m a person who can be loved for over a period of time and I have the capacity as a person to love someone over a long period of time,….But yeah, for me it’s just very nourishing to know she’s there.

Nora: She knows my brother, she was part of this unbelievable precious school experience I had. But this thing, and especially now that my mom’s gone, I don’t want to see myself as somebody in the sunset years of life. I want to remember who I was when Carrie and I were first friends….If I had not known from whence she came will I be able to talk about this? Probably not. The history has fed this….but still [there’s] a lightness of youth. It’s like an ember or something.

147 History and shared experiences.

Sharing experiences over time had a powerful impact on the personal and friendship development of participants. It was often described as having a witness to one’s life.

This was frequently experienced as validating one’s existence. These shared experiences over time also helped participants to feel deeply understood and known.

Becca: From the time I was 13 or 14 years old, she has literally walked through every step of my life with me. We were friends in high school. She was in my family, living in my home; we were college roommates. We lived together after college; we worked together. She’s my maid of honor, my daughter’s godmother….There’s not one fact of my life since I was 13 years old that she’s not been completely invested in.

Katie: I just can’t believe how parallel our lives have been….We’ve been going through the same…types of things at the same times….We got married about a year apart from each other, we had kids at the same time….I think the fact that we’ve just been going through everything at the, like, big life events at the same time, and to have a person that you’ve been that close with it just it just makes it so much more fun, it really

does….Because otherwise, I swear, I probably would have been outrageously

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lonely.

Kay: I think it’s huge….We know a lot about each other over a long period of time….I have had friendships with people that didn’t last this long, that were intense and interesting and engaging for me in lots of ways, and I felt them as real connections and real friendships, but there were points where things got rough or somebody’s life went in different direction, and it just got blown away. The history kind of is the friendship in a way, like there have been friendships in my life that I let go. …..It’s really hard to tease out the history from the friendship….The very nature of our friendship has been about sharing our lives with each other and our thoughts about our lives with each other.

Rose: I can’t imagine what life’s journey would have been like without that kind of intense, deep, abiding friendship that I could count on, and trust. I think it also gives me hope, and a little of trepidation, because obviously people all don’t live to the same age. But gives me hope that in the time of life when people start to feel isolated….that I won’t be lonely in old age…It’s like I’m going to count on these people to go through this

stage of life just like I counted on them to go through the stages of life that we did

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when we were younger, parenting, new jobs, and partnering, and re-partnering, and losing parents, and wanting kids. I cannot imagine doing those things without Barbara.

It’s like she’s so much a part of my life that I cannot imagine life without her. I don’t even have a comparison.

The role of the “long-term” in long-term friendship in friendship development: feeling deeply known and profoundly understood.

“She knows me on a whole different fundamental level than anyone else can learn.”

(Jenna)

Participants in these long-term friendships experienced an opportunity to be known over time, over various developmental stages, resulting in an anchoring effect.

Participants used expressions like “nourishing me at a basic level,” illustrating a need that appears to be met on a primary psychological plane. Being known over time increases one’s sense acceptance, leading to a deepening of trust that permits a sense of safety.

150 Becca: My husband even knows, if I die first, she plans my funeral, he does not. Because I’m like, you will totally not do what I need to do. Let her do what she needs to do. It’s serious.

Kay: I’m always very happy to see her, but it’s a need thing, it’s not a pleasure thing. Our relationship is not, although I get a lot of pleasure out of it, it’s not based on the pleasurable time we spend together. It’s not that we have fun together, that makes it so important, it’s that it feeds me. You know it’s really that basic, that kind of connection that I have with her is that basic to my personality, I think. I had a family where if you made a really bad decision, then you were alienated and pushed to the side and shamed, and so to have someone who didn’t, that’s reall,y really important to me on a really, really basic level…. Well, it’s a really basic need for me, it’s a need, it’s not just, it’s not just a nice thing.

Nora: I feel like I'm received by her….We don't always know our place in life particularly, after you’ve lost both parents….So her presence and her voice and her humor and our

history are incredibly grounding for me now…. So the validation I guess has come

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all these different phases, very subtly, of “You're alright, you’re alright. I know where you're from, I know your parents. I know you have a good mind.” So there is some tether there, so that's on some core level very validating. I'm all right. I have this longstanding friend who I still get a kick out of, and vice versa.

Rose: She anchors my life in a lot of ways, and that our connection anchors my life….If I need to talk about something, she would be the first person I would call, and I think that goes both ways….So we have a history with each other that is incredibly deep, and we’ve created a level of trust that is really valuable

The role of “long-term” in long-term friendship in personal and friendship development: Creating a narrative.

“This is a very useful exercise.” (Becca) “She’s a witness to my life.” (Jackie)

The long-term friend served as a witness to one’s life events. Having someone who lived with them through much of their history and engaged in shared experience over time helped them to feel deeply known and understood. Having this friend bear witness

to their life and be available to help interpret and sequence their history resulted in an

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important organizing experience for participants. Furthermore, participants described ways in which the act of being interviewed about this friendship helped them to sequence, classify, and structure their history, their relationships, and their own psychology. Both the friendship and the act of discussing and reflecting upon the friendship resulted in the creation of a narrative.

Friendship providing a narrative.

Ally: Whenever we get back together it’s like no time has passed ….There’s also a mirroring quality, I think, to the relationship where seeing myself through her eyes is kind of cool.

Jackie: I really know where this person comes from. It’s extremely meaningful. So that, to me at this point, is really very special…. Yes and that’s a term that I used - a witness to my life.

Rose: We have witnessed so much of one another…, so many of the highs and lows of one

another’s adult lives, that we are really good mirrors for one another. I think that’s

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part of richness in the relationship.

The act of interviewing; Helping to create a narrative.

Jackie: I’ve never thought about it exactly. I thought of my friendship with her a ton but I never really thought about how she feels about our differences, just as what I feel about our differences.

Jenna: I never really thought about it all that much. This is the most I’ve thought about it.

Kay: I think it’s actually made me more conscious of how much I value my relationship with her. To talk about it and in a way it’s so regular….To be able to stop and go, “This is really important in some of the really central ways for me,” and that’s been really nice. …I thought a lot about the things I said because I think some of the things I said I had never articulated before and it raised my curiosity a little bit about what it is that makes us best friends….I’ve always felt that she was comfortable with me, which has always been a big piece for me of maintaining the friendship, and it’s funny

how emotional that makes me. Can you see that? It really does, I haven’t thought

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about, I haven’t articulated that before.

Rose: I feel like you’ve really given me such a nice opportunity to think about this friendship, such a nice opportunity to think about it, and so in some ways I feel I’ve been talking to you about it. I’m celebrating it, and spending some time thinking about what’s so wonderful about it….I’ve really welcomed the opportunity to think about it, and I think that you have given me a lot of ways of appreciating this friendship that I maybe in a day-to-day way wouldn’t necessarily stop and think about, and ways of understanding it in a way a way that I wouldn’t have necessarily spent the time trying to put words to. I feel like I understand this friendship better after talking to you than I have really than I have…. It really has been a gift actually….You are facilitating people thinking about this in a different way, which is very cool…. I’m totally psyched, I’m really enjoying this. It’s great to have an opportunity to reflect on something important. So I say thank you, it’s been really fun.

Tara: I think it was really hard - I mean really hard - and I don’t mean like, Oh, I’m depressed and blah blah blah. It’s like panic-hard so I never thought about that before.

I just said that….I have a protective personality, and she feels protected. I don’t

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feel like I’m being protective, but I don’t feel in need of being protected, so it’s that!

I’m trying to think – I think I hit that! Yeah! Yes! Yeah!

The role of “long term” in long-term friendship in personal and friendship development: need versus want – quantity versus quality.

“We’re not needed on a really regular basis.” (Ally) “I guess I am not really in a place where I need something as much as I did early on….Now I think it’s not necessarily a need so much but it’s just a want.” (Becca)

Participants reported “needing” the friend less now than in the early years of friendship (but wanting them). They reported the needs becoming less intense over the years. Participants also described ways in which the friend and the needs met through the friendship were held inside them when they were apart. There is a theme of quantity versus quality in these long-term friendships in midlife. Participants spent less time together in midlife than in their early years, due to developmental tasks and demands.

However, most participants felt so deeply known by the friend that a sort of shorthand communication developed and the quality of their current interactions were even often more valuable. Having their needs become less intense, and more incorporated into their

internal state allowed participants to spend less time together without compromising

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the quality of the bond.

Need versus want, quantity versus quality.

Ally: I think that in the worst…situation we would show up for each other but I think maybe in the day-to-day life we both don’t need each other as much and probably both feel pretty assured that between partner, child, family, work we’re not needed on a really regular basis.

Becca: I guess I am not really in a place where I need something as much as I did early on….Now I think it’s not necessarily a need so much but it’s just a want. It’s just a comfort that I want her included in my life, not necessarily, “I need this.”

Kay: In terms of my needs transforming over the years, I think mostly I’ve just matured and learned a lot more about myself. I think overall I’ve become a generally less needy person and clearer about the things that I do need. That’s a sort of maturation process.

Rose:

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The intensity of need for me doesn’t feel quite as strong, and still maybe I feel like my needs are even better met because they are not as intense….I think as we get older we as individuals learn how to soothe ourselves, and help ourselves. The other thing that transformed I think is that we are able to teach each other from the things that we have learned just as older, wiser people. We are not struggling with some of the things you struggle with in youth.

Friend held inside, incorporated into one’s internal state.

Kay: For me it’s the certainty of knowing that there’s somebody there even if I’m not seeing them.

Leslie: It’s just very nourishing to know that these friendships are there or that she’s there and, like, I can kind of bring her up in my mind’s eye….That creates a feeling of safety and of security and fullness. Just knowing that she’s there but also having her in me.

Natalie: I think our friendship has changed from needing each other as a therapist - getting

advice on problems - to just knowing we are there for each other without having to

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talk as frequently. We'll go a month without talking while dealing with our own crisis and then call to say, “Hey, I had this really big thing happen to me. I dealt with it. How do you think I handled it?” It's like we've moved from “help me deal with this" to "validate how I dealt with this.”

Shorthand communication.

Kay: We have a few jokes. When my first marriage was really starting to break up, I thought if I just got more religious, things would be better, so I started doing things that more religious Jewish women do, like covering my hair, wearing skirts, and stuff like that, and at the time that felt like a very serious thing to me. In retrospect, that was really a little crazy…it was just like a hysterical reach for something, and that’s gotten to be like a joke between us after all these years. You know, it wasn’t a joke that year or the next year but several years later. We’ll be talking, “So lah dah dah I ran into so-and-so you know she’s covering her hair now. (Whispering) You know what that means. Oh I wonder what’s up with her husband you know!’

Kim: You have the longevity that texting two sentences makes more sense.

159 Summary of Theme Four 1. The long-term aspect of these friendships offered ample opportunities for feeling profoundly known and intensely understood over time due to history and shared experiences. Participants described that being known and understood over time led to a sense of acceptance of one another.

2. History, shared experiences, and feeling known via a witness also helped create a narrative of one’s life.

3. Shared experiences were experienced as a sense of belonging and togetherness.

“Always being together” and a sense of “we” were built into these shared experiences.

4. Need versus Want: Participants reported “needing” the friend less now than in the early years of friendship (but wanting them). As the friendship developed over time, participants’ needs diminished. Participants described how the friend has helped them grow inside and their dependence on the friend diminished.

5. Quantity versus Quality: Participants spent less time together in midlife than in their early years. However, most participants felt so deeply known by the friend that a shorthand communication developed and the quality of their current interactions was even often greater. Having their needs become less intense and

“held inside” allowed participants to spend less time with their friend without

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compromising the quality of the bond.

Theme Five: The Role of Ten Surprising Key Features of the Friendships— Crucial Aspects of the Friendships Expressed Unprompted by Participants I didn’t get that growing up, continuity counts, and I’m good at this friendship thing!

1. Early Experiences Are Linked to Needs Sought in Friendship: Almost all participants shared ways in which unmet* needs in their early experiences were being met in their current friendship. This was elucidated without my prompting and was often stumbled upon during the interviews; it was not something that seemed completely conscious to participants prior to this process. I have every reason to believe that the participants were all healthy in regard to their development. Participants continued to seek current experiences to help them with early experiences. *Participants described ways in which their friends offered different experiences from those of their early caregivers. They described how the friends helped to meet needs that were not necessarily addressed well early on in their life. This is not meant to imply that these needs were completely unmet and resulted in a deficit. All individuals have some needs that were met to a greater or lesser degree than others.

The participant pool was a healthy population, not a clinical population, and may or may not have perceived this need as completely unmet and may or may not have perceived it as a problem. However, for the purposes of this study, the term“unmet” will be used when discussing the results and findings.

161 Ally: [Regarding her friend being authentic and direct] I just love that about her, I just really appreciate that about people. Probably because my mom was not like that at all. My mom was kind of like, right down the center. She’ll be very gracious and appropriate. So there’s something about that authenticity that draws me in.

Kay: I’ve made some decisions in my life that turned out to be really bad decisions and also decisions that she really disagreed with, but that never was a cause for her to push me away or make herself unavailable in some way, and that piece was something I really, really missed growing up. I had a family where if you made a really bad decision then you were alienated and pushed to the side and shamed and so to have someone who didn’t, that’s really, really important to me on a really, really basic level, to have that kind of person available….I always felt like there were hidden agendas and hidden things that people were not telling me about, like they might be mad at me but they wouldn’t tell me ,or they might really think I was wrong but they wouldn’t tell me, and that caused me a lot of difficulty as a young person. And so to the kind of honestly where I know what

you feel….I know what you’re thinking about me - that’s just so comforting

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for me to not have to wonder and worry….I don’t have any of those fears at all in my relationship with Sandy because she just is right upfront about that stuff.

Lisa: So much of who we are at different stages in our life is a reaction to not wanting to be like our parents or reactions to our childhood. My dad died relatively young and he was 66 and my parents split up my first year of college….They were probably never compatible anyway but my dad had this ethic of you work and work and work and work and focus totally on the kids and then you basically defer what you want to do…And I kind of want to have it all, that’s how I roll. So I like to travel, we never went anywhere when I was a kid so I find a way to do it. And I like to be outside because that helps ground me…Nicole and I connect, we love nature, we love to be outdoors, we love water, we love hiking.

Nora: I was really overprotected…. I need relationships in my life where I could be buoyant and playful.

Rose:

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I have a challenging family, not terrible, but challenging and there wasn’t a lot of authentic discussion of feeling in the family. So, I think I probably sought out friends so that I could talk about my feelings and do that in a different way than it happened in my family of origin. So, that might be it. That’s what I sought out and that’s what was created and that’s what got valued. That’s what met my needs.

2. Continuity versus Interruptions: Almost all of the participants reported having regular times scheduled to see one another, predictable traditions, or frequent contact. Participants noted continuity in communication and persistence were key. Lack of continuity was cited as a major problem in two friendships that were currently in transition.

Katie: I can’t imagine if she moved away. We literally always lived, like our home bases have always been a mile away from each other…. There’s really never been a point in our life where we have not been in contact.

164 Kay: When our kids were little, we got together with the kids for pizza every week. The kids loved it and we got to talk a little between wiping faces and cutting food up for the kids. When the kids all went to school - they went to the same school - we met for breakfast before work after dropping the kids off, at a bagel place right across the street from the school. Now, when our kids are practically grown and we've both put on a little weight, we meet Sunday mornings to walk a couple of miles - good exercise and plenty of time for talking. If we're exhausted or something, we sometimes get coffee instead of walking. We always just kind of found the space in our lives when we could be in the same place at the same time based around what our lives were like at the time.

Lisa: I would say if nothing else it’s been the consistency….I have made a deliberate decision to sort of ensure that we spend time together on a regular basis and that I’m her go-to person and she’s my go-to person for processing some crazy mom thing or touch points. We’ve made that priority, the regularness of it.

165 Rose: We work on it really hard. We make sure that we stay in touch with each other.

When we haven’t seen each other for a while we have a list of things that we need to talk about, share with one another. She has a literal list. It’s of such value that we make a huge effort to keep it up. If there’s been more than three days that we haven’t talked to one another it’s unusual. We enjoy doing some of the same kind of physical activities together - walking, swimming. I think there’s those things that keep us seeing one another on a regular basis, but the bottom line is we just really like being together.

3. Sisters Who Aren’t Your Sisters! Most participants compared their friendship to family. They also noted ways in which it was even more beneficial than family.

Participants often experienced a sense of belonging and togetherness.

Ally: It’s been really important to have those sisters who aren’t your sisters, and I think that that concept of sisterhood for me is really an important one…so you know we’re sisters in that way.

Jenna:

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And she also means home to me…. She’s home.

Katie: Yeah, like a family. It’s definitely like family but I guess not with some of the baggage family brings along. Yeah, someone I could trust implicitly, like I would a family member.

Kim: My kids call her Tita (aunt)…we're more like family in some ways than we are just friends, which we kind of use interchangeably in our house.… You can have these strong bonds with people that aren't necessarily your bloodline but just the friendship line.

Nora: I remember that song was popular and just lying in our twin beds and Carrie would sleep over and sing that song. But just being like having childhood fun.

Just having some awareness. I’m really with family here.

167 Rose: So, it’s like family, only better. There’s just this, family of choice.

4. You Then Me, Me Then You: Most participants noted a strong theme of reciprocity in their friendship. They took care of each other and met each other’s needs equally, although not always equally at the same time. Reciprocity leveled out over time.

Becca: We’re fierce, if you come after her, I’m going to come after you and if you come after me, she’ll go.

Kay: I know with utter certainty that if I’m leaning on her a little more right now, down the road she’s going to need to lean a little bit, so the times when I’ve had to listen … I don’t know, it feels like money in the bank, …you know, like I’m doing this because I know there’s first of all she’s done this for me before 100 times and I know she’ll do it for me again in the future.

Kim:

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I do think that we're similar that neither one of us tries to take the spotlight from one another. And so I think that we're, whoever needs more of the friendship at any given time, it's really a simple give and take in that way.

5. The First Thing That Comes to Mind. When asked what first comes to mind when thinking of their friendship, the majority of participants identified ways in which their friendship stimulates them either through differences promoting admiration or through being enlivened in some way. This is noteworthy due to developmental needs in midlife. The need to feel alive and ambitious became important as participants began to sense finite time to accomplish wishes and goals, and finite time to live.

6. Just the two of us! Most participants stated that the time spent with their friend is often alone, without children, spouses, or other friends. This intimacy was experienced as valuable. There was also an element of the friendship being particularly special even if they have many friends. Twelve out of 13 participants shared this a total of 31 times!

169 Ally: You can’t Facebook this in.

Jenna: She has that title, capital B, capital F….No one else has that title.

Kim: Our phone was connected to the wall…. you didn't sit next to one another and be having a conversation with someone else…. And even though we might both have our cell phones we're very focused on one another. We know we're only going to meet for an hour for lunch. We're not sitting there distracted by something else.

Lisa: Because it’s about our connection, it has nothing to do with our activities or our children or our resources or our relationships, it’s just about the two of us.

170 Natalie: We did a few things together without this big group, and realized how much we had in common and how much easier it was to interact with just the two of us.

7. The Foundation Was Set. All participants stated that communication with their friend changed over the years. Most had daily or almost daily communication for several years before tapering off (likely due to midlife tasks).

Jenna: It’s more the day-to-day where when in high school there was almost nothing about ourselves, and our lives we didn’t know about each other. We were living in each other’s pockets. I was at her house all the time. She was always wearing my clothes. We were … we just knew every facet of each other’s lives. It’s funny how that was such a brief period of time; yet it was so intense that being that close for that small period of time has lasted us years.

8. Basic Values Remained the Same: Participants’ and their friend’s basic values remained stable across time. In the friendship where values appear to have diverged, a challenging transition period is being experienced.

171 Kay: I think what’s remained the same is that our basic values have stayed the same.

We both valued family, we both valued communication, we both valued our Jewish lifestyle. We both value honesty. Like I said, it’s always been so those things haven’t changed. But lots of other things, practically everything else, has changed. Where we live, what we do, who we’re married to.

9. I’m Good at Friendships! Most participants indicated that they have many longterm friendships (although their choice for the study was clear to them - one friend stood out). This appears to be an emotional skill set for these women.

Another explanation is that they are actively seeking to meet their needs through this particular kind of relationship - friendship.

Jenna: I just need women in my life. I just need women. I can’t understand women who don’t have women in their lives. You have to….I have to have girlfriends.

172 Leslie: There are some things that just give you a sense of solidity….They’re like these pillars of friends who like they undergird your existence or who you are…I take a lot of pride in the fact I have a lot of friends for such a long period of time.

Rose: I feel like that my emotional health is built on…that effort that I have put into friendships, and the people that I have chosen to walk through life with, and each of them gives me a variety of things.

10. No Deal Breakers! I’m Safe! Most participants talked about unconditional acceptance (11 out of 13 participants; 32 times) as well as affirmation and validation (13 out of 13 participants; 45 times) by the friend. They explained that the level of dependability, validation, reliability, loyalty, and trust led to a feeling of safety. This resulted in complete confidence in the relationship. Participants explained that there were “no deal breakers.” These remarks were all noted in great frequency. Safety was a result of a surviving a history of shared experiences, including conflicts that were offset by other experiences, such as

validation and dependability, that permitted a sense of safety in mistakes. All

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of these qualities work together.

Accepting, affirming, validating.

Ally: She’s really always complimented me as a mom and always said what a good mom I am, or how she’s kind of like excited about the conversations I talk about having with my son. It’s one of the things she recognized and I really appreciate that. It means a lot coming from her.

Jenna: I think that still goes back to comfort … to knowing that somebody knows all your bad stuff, and still doesn’t care….She knows all my dirty laundry….It’s just good to know that much about each other, and still love the person, and just accept them, and just know that they are there, and want to be with them no matter what. …Yeah, completely unconditional…..There’s a lot of stuff about me… I am not proud of that I would not tell a lot of my current friends.

She got married, house, kids, raising a family. We both watched what the other person was doing ….We were polar opposites…. I didn’t want what she had, and I don’t think she wanted what I had…Thank god I don’t have that stuff going on.

It just confirms that I’m doing the right thing, having cats. I’ve made the right

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choice.

Rose: What I mean is that … for me when I look at the mirror, I see what I see, and sometimes it’s good, and sometimes it’s not so great, and I think when we connect with people it’s almost like when we were little, and we looked in our mother’s faces, and our mothers smiled back at us, and that gave us some sense of ourselves. I feel like friendship is like you pick people who are going to smile back at you… who are going to remind of your own goodness….Rather than a setback, the frowning, you are not good enough, you didn’t do that right….It’s like you are mirror back to me the best of me and not the worst of me….It’s really honest. That isn’t the prettiest part of you, but let me remind of all the good things about you, because I know them, and I carry them, and I will smile back at you, and say, “You are a really good daughter. You are a really good mother.”

Tara: She likes the best part of me. She affirms the best part of me. She’s very complimentary almost about anything.

Dependability and reliability = Safety.

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Ally: We’re both really good at being really strong women so it’s good to have a strong woman to be weak with…. I could show my shame…I could say whatever the ghosts or the demons kind of haunting me or the things I’m anxious about or the things that scare me.

Becca: She pays attention to every single thing and listens to what you’re saying. And I remember calling her when my mom was really sick. I mean, like, oh my gosh….I don’t know what to do, like I’d go to the hospital and she wanted me to scratch her back and I’m just I’m not that person. The next time I went to see my mom, she was like, “Oh, Karen brought me a back scratcher,” and I was like, “Oh my god.” It’s amazing, and I don’t even know, because I’ve never not had it, so I don’t know. I mean, it’s definitely a security thing.

Jackie: I think what makes her special and different for me is the sense of vulnerability I can show her.

Jenna:

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She’s just forever. She is going to be there….She is 100% for sure, no matter what happens in our lives or where we are, or where we end up. She’s going to be there.

Kay: She doesn’t quit when things get difficult or pull back when things are a little hairy. She’s just really consistent and persistent, that kind of strength I find valuable that whatever was going on in her life or in my life, like we would just keep going through it together, whatever, I’ll talk about it with you, you’ll talk about it with me, things are going to go up and down, we all get that, we’ll just keep moving….I can’t tell anybody this stuff, but I can tell you….it’s safe where those things can go, it’s been great. There’s a level of safety there.

Natalie: We’ve seen each other in so many different ways. I think that we’ve seen each other in all these different ways and we still love each other and accept each other.

That’s extremely reassuring and it makes you feel safe with a person because you can be yourself. You’ve been all these different kinds of people with her, from the time you were 19 to the time you are 42. We’ve seen it all….That’s pretty

remarkable that you don’t want to bail on that person….and it’s like having

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that security of knowing that no matter how I mess up I have a friend that will accept me and love me no matter what.

She’s a lifer friend! No conflict will be a deal breaker.

Becca: We don’t really ever get seriously upset… Everything we’ve already gone through, I mean, we’ve gone through so much. No, there’s nothing that would ever. Without a doubt she’s like my lifer friend, for sure.

Jenna: We will never, not be friends. …I can’t see how, or that there’s just no reason why we wouldn’t be friends. If we lived such radically different lives and had such different experiences, and we’d still stay friends. There’s no reason why we wouldn’t continue to stay friends.

Katie: I just feel like our friendship is just rock solid and I cannot see that anything would ever break it or get in the way of it, I really don’t. I can’t even imagine it, I cannot imagine her not in my life.

178 Kay: I give most of the credit to her in that area because she’s always been the one who has said, well, I don’t like this, or I’m upset about this. But she never wrote me a letter from a distance to tell me that; she always told me that when we were together, talking, privately.

Summary of Theme Five 1. These women laid a foundation of intimacy through a high frequency of communication, often times without other systems involved, early on in the friendship and maintained continuity throughout the friendship even if the frequency of contact diminished.

2. Consistent reciprocity and similar values led to a sense of the relationship being more like family than a friendship.

3. Upon reflection, participants shared that some of the needs met currently in the friendship were often consistent with needs unmet by early caregivers.

4. The participants indicated that they have many long-term friends, implying that perhaps these women possess a skill, or that they are seeking out friendships in order to have needs met.

5. Participants used words like acceptance, affirmation, and validation in high

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frequency without prompting.

6. There was a high frequency of reported descriptions related to dependability, reliability, admiration, and safety reported.

Summary of Results and Analysis of Themes: The Essence of the Phenomenon Long-term friendships in the midlife females in this study encompassed many demographic, contextual, and theoretical phenomena. Demographically, these women were white, married, working mothers (in a professional capacity). They began their friendship in their early to late teens with almost daily contact with their friend (lasting several years) to mostly weekly contact currently (although not via social media).

Contextually, these women dedicated themselves to the continuity of their friendship.

The few who were currently in transition with their friend found a lack of continuity a challenge. They had systems (spouses, other friends, children) that had either a neutral or positive impact on the friendship. These women experienced their friend like family (or better than family), demonstrated reciprocity in their friendship, and valued one-on-one time within the friendship. In regard to communication, all participants laid down the foundation early on in the friendship, communicating frequently. This served them well as they engaged in midlife tasks that limited their time. Finally, these women possessed a friendship skill set as demonstrated by their maintaining several long-term friendships.

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Five themes emerged that capture the essence of the phenomenon: The Role of

Differences, The Role of Similarities, The Role of Midlife, The Role of “Long-Term,” and The Role of Ten Surprising Key Features of the Friendships. These women experienced the role of differences between and similarities with their friend in some overarching, consistent ways. In addition, the role of midlife as well as the “long-term” aspect of these friendships had important implications for the participants’ personal and friendship development.

All participants described differences between themselves and their friends as beneficial in three distinct ways: Enlivening/Challenging, Balancing/Completing, and Validating/Affirming. Differences helped participants stretch, grow, learn, and enliven as well as observe a model of possibilities of other ways of handling, understanding, and approaching the world. They also experienced differences as beneficial by having an opportunity to admire in another what one lacked in oneself (or what was underdeveloped in oneself). This sense of balance and completeness resulted in a feeling of safety and security and reassurance that the friend has skills and capabilities one does not have (or has in a less developed from) that can offer protection; the friend has strengths where one has weaknesses. Differences were also felt to be beneficial through validating experiences. Participants had their own choices affirmed (through the observation of different choices made by the friend). They also had their own unique skills and talents validated through their ability to contribute their strengths to the friendship.

Differences were sometimes perceived as problematic. Participants sometimes felt

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that differences created feelings of guilt if one was in a different (more advantageous) position (financially, maritally, etc.). Participants sometimes felt emotional distance in the friendship if lifestyle choices differed dramatically (e.g. one had children and one did not). Participants perceived differences between themselves and their friend as much more beneficial than problematic; these differences tended to be related to traits, skills, or choices.

Participants experienced similarities with their friend as being beneficial through the sharing of activities, values, and life experiences that provided opportunities to be affirmed and validated. The similarities among friends also promoted the benefit of kinship and a sense of “we.� Similarities sometimes led to feelings of competition, disappointed expectations, and inertia. Participants perceived similarities between themselves and their friend as much more beneficial than problematic, and more likely to be related to activities, hobbies, and values.

The role of midlife in personal and friendship development was reflected in the study in three distinct ways: systems matter, finite time, and improved confidence. Systems involved in midlife (spouses, children, careers, etc.) helped facilitate the personal and friendship development in most of the friendships. However, if the systems were problematic, a negative impact was felt in the friendship. Acknowledging one’s finite time to accomplish goals and wishes was elucidated throughout the interviews. There

was also a developmental maturation process at work; participants expressed

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improved confidence. In addition, over time participants developed a sense of safety that promoted this sense of security in being oneself and speaking one’s mind. Midlife tasks, needs, and resources had a significant impact on participants and their friendships, as evidenced by a high frequency of comments related to issues in participants’ midlife development (138 comments).

The role of “long-term” in these long-term friendships led participants to feel profoundly known and intensely understood over time (due to their history and shared experiences). The experience had an emotionally anchoring effect, illustrating a need appeared to have been met on a primary psychological level. History, shared experiences, and feeling known via a witness helped to organize a narrative about participants’ personal and friendship development. As the friendship developed over time, participants’ needs diminished. The participants held their friend inside and their dependence on the friend diminished.

The experiences highlighted through these themes help to capture the essence of the phenomenon of long-term friendships in midlife women. Participants noted hundreds of ways their friendship had strengthened, challenged, enlivened, validated and overall benefited them. Perhaps the experiences participants had throughout these friendships resulted in a version of themselves that was healthier than if they had not had this

witness, admirer, celebrator, supporter, enlivener, challenger, playmate, validator; had they not had this friend.

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Chapter VI

Interpretation of Findings Interpretations of Findings from a Theoretical Perspective: Seven Findings The following seven findings are derived from the results discussed above.

1. Selfobject needs are met in friendships. Friendships provide validating and affirming experiences (mirroring), regulating experiences leading to a sense of safety (idealizing), and kinship experiences promoting a sense of belonging (twinship). a. Mirroring selfobject needs are met through the differences as well as the similarities shared with the friend. b. Idealizing selfobject needs are met through the differences between the friends. c. Twinship selfobject needs are met through the similarities with the friend.

2. Individuals in midlife continue to seek opportunities, perhaps unconsciously, to address early unmet needs through current friendships.

3. Having a long-term friend bear witness to shared experiences over time

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promotes safety and helps to organize a coherent narrative of one’s psychology, relationships, and experiences.

4. Selfobject functions are internalized over time.

5. Development does in fact continue throughout midlife.

6. Continuity is an important aspect of these friendships.

7. All of these factors (selfobject needs met and internalized over time, addressing early unmet needs, creating a coherent narrative, and experiencing continuity over time) promote structure building and cohesion strengthening encouraging a continued consolidation of the self.

FINDING 1: Selfobject needs are met in friendships.

Selfobject needs are met in friendships. Mirroring selfobject needs are met through the differences between and similarities with the friend. Idealizing selfobject needs are met through the differences between the friends. Twinship selfobject needs are met through the similarities with the friend.

186 FINDING 1a: Mirroring selfobject needs are met through differences as well as the similarities shared with the friend.

Mirroring selfobject needs were met through the differences between the participant and her friend (Chapter V, Theme One, pp. 109–111) as well as the similarities with the friend (Chapter V, Theme Two, pp. 116–118). Differences were experienced as validating through being admired for one’s own skills and talents. Similarities also had a validating quality: I value you and we are alike. Participants expressed experiences of acceptance, affirmation, and validation in high frequency. These are processes involved in mirroring selfobject functions.

Differences provided ample opportunities for validating experiences. Participants experienced these feelings of validation when their friend benefited from the participant’s skills, talents, and approaches to the world that differed from their friend’s. The experience of contributing to the friend was particularly gratifying for participants.

Becca and Lisa explained, “I’m kind of more like all over, my emotions are out in front all the time. And I think it helps her, too, to become kind of like, lighten up a little bit sometimes, you know, and not be so serious about everything” (Becca). “I think I have pushed her to do something that she maybe would have kept in the ‘maybe someday box’ sooner and faster” (Lisa).

Similarities also had a validating quality: I value you and we are alike. Most often

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noted were shared activities and shared values. Participants experienced these similarities as providing opportunities to be affirmed, validated, and celebrated. Similar interests allowed participants to experience shared joy and compatibility. As Katie noted, “We like the same types of TV shows. We both love shopping and going out to nice restaurants and we just have a lot of similarities in things we like.” These similarities offer a sense of connection, “I think one of the places where Nicole and I connect is we love nature, we love to be outdoors, we love water, we love hiking” (Lisa).

Sharing common core values was experienced as crucial to the friendship. This promoted a sense of trust. Participants shared core beliefs related to family, community, and relationships although their approach to these areas could differ dramatically. Katie stated, “I’d say we both have a lot of the core beliefs and values that we’ve been brought up with and want our kids to be brought up [with].” Rose noted that sharing values regarding relationships is an important aspect of their connection, “I think that our commitment to friendship and our commitment to relationships is very similar….We just have very similar values about community, about friendships and relationships, about how one wants to be in the world, hopes and dreams for ourselves and our kids, just a lot of similarities that way.”

Overall, differences offered opportunities for one’s own skills and talents to be validated and affirmed by the friend. Similarities promoted experiences of feeling

valued. All participants expressed experiences of acceptance, affirmation, and

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validation in high frequency. These are all processes involved in mirroring selfobject functions.

FINDING 1b: Idealizing selfobject needs are met through the differences between the friends.

Differences were experienced as having regulatory functions in that they caused participants to feel both enlivened and soothed (Chapter V, Theme One, pp. 98–108).

Participants described feeling enlivened and challenged through opportunities to stretch and grow as well as through humor. Participants described being soothed and calmed through differences because they experienced a sense of “balance and completeness.”

Also, a soothing function was experienced in opportunities to find safety and security through the admired qualities of one’s friend. Participants expressed in high frequency feelings of dependability, reliability, admiration, and safety. These regulatory processes occur in the idealized selfobject aspect of the relationship.

Participants described feeling enlivened through opportunities to stretch and grow when risking new things as well as tackling novel challenges. Participants stated that they benefited from being exposed to different ways of thinking, encouraging them to step out of their sometimes monotonous routines. This was experienced as a jolting experience, promoting enthusiasm and inspiration. It allowed opportunities to be

exposed to skills, talents, and strategies that one lacks or struggles to encompass

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oneself. Participants were able to observe a model of possibilities, other ways of handling, understanding, and approaching the world. Participants were able to experience these differences and observe what they look, sound, and feel like and incorporate these different qualities into their own repertoire if desired. This resulted in improved motivation and ambition. It motivated the participants to tackle goals they might not otherwise have confronted.

Ally, Kay, Leslie, and Natalie illustrated this finding. “She’s just so blunt and so honest she brings that out in me, she helps me be more direct.” (Ally) Kay illustrated this point by explaining, “She’s very outer directed…She has a lot of things in the community… and I’m really very internally directed as a person….It gives me a different way to approach stuff than I would left in my own devices, and that’s good for me.”

Leslie further corroborated this finding, “I think I was very influenced by her decision to go to a doctoral program…. She got through her PhD program in a reasonable amount of time...I kind of wanted to be like, ah, help me to be more like you. How did you do this?” Finally, Natalie indicated how the differences between her and her friend stretch her growth and ambition, “I think it kind of makes me rise to her level. It gives me the confidence to be more expressive and more adventurous, because I feel so safe with her.”

Participants also benefited from the surprise and joy of the differences in their friend’s humor. This playfulness was a welcome change from the feeling of responsibility

experienced in midlife. It permitted a temporary reprieve from the social expectations

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of midlife. Participants felt stimulated through this enlivenment, this sense of feeling alive, which had a regulating effect on participants. Kay explained, She’s funny about stuff that matters you know. She just isn’t afraid to make those things funny, like what was it, an area you should not tread in. She just goes there and makes it funny. I find it refreshing as weird as that sounds, I find it really refreshing and positive to be with someone who’s kind of unafraid in those sort of those dark spaces.

Participants described being soothed and calmed through differences because a sense of “balance and completeness” was experienced. Participants often described their friend as offering something different from what they had to offer, which was then experienced as “completing them” or creating a sense of balance. The friend’s compensating for one’s shortcomings was described as comforting and also promoted a sense of peace. Ally shared, “I was like the vanilla version of her, and she was the chocolate version of me.” Becca further supported this finding: “She’s always been a voice of reason for me. She’s a good gauge for me…. She’ll come from her place, which is a little bit more calm. I definitely think it’s been helpful, I could use a little bit more conservative in my life.” Rose expressed her experience as follows: Maybe there’s a way in which her being not quite so high energy and pushing so

hard is a good reminder to me to slow down. And to be patient… I don’t

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always have to be moving every minute. I think that probably is good for me.

Furthermore, a soothing function was experienced in opportunities to find security through admired differences. This helped in coping with or managing a challenge in a way that may not have been possible without one’s friend. The participants felt emotionally safer having access to the friend’s different skill set. Participants felt comforted and safe through these soothing opportunities. Becca said, One of my most proud moments of her was at Susan’s funeral and her eulogy that she did. And never was I more proud of her; it was amazing. So, there is like a side of her that…I definitely wish I could be a little bit more controlled in certain things and stoic, because she is, always.

Nora explained, Well I’ve thought about my friendships a lot and I think that it's important for me to admire the person. And want to be—want to have some of their traits or try to develop the traits that I might share with them even more.

Tara found strength in her friend, She’s really a strong person….People who know her really well know what she’s overcome and how she has made things work as a single parent ….She’s really strong….Her father was murdered in her backyard….She was abused by her

grandmother who raised her….I just see all sorts of strength and such

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interesting things there….I’m just in awe of her.

Overall, differences offered opportunities to enliven, stretch, and grow as well as calm and soothe. These were experienced as assisting regulation and helping to create a sense of safety. Feelings of dependability, reliability, admiration, and safety were expressed frequently. These are processes involved in idealizing selfobject functions.

FINDING 1c: Twinship selfobject needs are met through the similarities with the friend.

Twinship selfobject needs were met in the similarities with the friend. Similarities and shared experiences helped one to experience a sense of belonging and kinship. A strong sense of “we” was developed through shared activities, values, and experiences (Chapter V, Theme Two, pp. 118-120). These are processes involved in twinship selfobject functions. Twinship selfobject development does not end in adolescence after all.

The experience of similarities promoted a sense of “we.” Some participants described how shared activities and shared values led to time spent together. Others often described themselves as a “package deal” and were often expected to be together. In fact, many described their sense of “we” as being so strong that they were often mistaken for each other, or talked to as if they were one entity instead of two individuals. Spouses and

family members of the participants assumed the friend was just “part of the deal” of

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being in the participant’s life. Becca explained, “We consider ourselves to have, like, one brain…. I think both of our husbands are kind of like, they know it’s a package deal.

“We had all kinds of names - Frick and Frack, peanut butter and jelly…Like we’re kind of a package deal” (Katie).

Participants also described experiences of feeling more special to their friend than others in their friend’s life. Kay said, It feels really special to me to feel like we are comfortable in that space together so that’s a nice thing too that makes me feel special….I remember when James and I were moving in together and, like, what things we’re going to shift around.

Like how are those going to change around when we get married and I remember my getting together with Sandy was one of those things I could care less with what you think whether that’s important to you or not, that’s not changing, …That’s not even in the category. It’s not an activity; it’s a friendship.

Overall, similarities promoted a sense of belonging, togetherness, and kinship. A strong sense of “we” was developed through shared activities, values, and experiences.

These are processes involved in twinship selfobject functions.

194 FINDING 2: Individuals in midlife continue to seek opportunities to address early unmet needs through current friendships.

Almost all participants shared ways in which unmet needs in their early experiences were being met in their current friendship (Chapter V, The Role of Ten Surprising Key Features of the Friendships, pp. 160-163). This was elucidated without my prompting and was often stumbled upon during the interviews; it was not something that had seemed completely conscious to participants prior to this process. Needs met currently in the friendship were often consistent with needs unmet by early caregivers, suggesting an unconscious process of reworking those relationships but experiencing them in new ways. Participants continued to seek current experiences to help them with early experiences.

Nora spoke about how loving, yet overprotective her parents were. She was often prohibited from engaging in activities that other kids were doing, such as sleepovers or parties. She emphasized how her friendship, which offers the playfulness that is often found in childhood, continues to be important to her as an adult, “I was really overprotected…. I need relationships in my life where I could be buoyant and playful.”

This is one way she is addressing an early unmet need. Rose explained how her need to discuss feelings was not met particularly well by her early caregivers, and how she has

found herself in deep friendships with women who enjoy the exploration of their

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emotional experiences, I have a challenging family, not terrible, but challenging, and there wasn’t a lot of authentic discussion of feeling in the family. So, I think I probably sought out friends so that I could talk about my feelings and do that in a different way than it happened in my family of origin….That’s what met my needs.

Kay made the connection that her friend meets a need that was not at all met during her early experiences. She described how that has a fundamental impact on her.

I’ve made some decisions in my life that turned out to be really bad decisions and also decisions that she really disagreed with. But that never was a cause for her to push me away or make herself unavailable in some way, and that piece was something I really, really missed growing up. I had a family where if you made a really bad decision then you were alienated and pushed to the side and shamed.

And so to have someone who didn’t, that’s really, really important to me on a really, really basic level, to have that kind of person available….I always felt like there were hidden agendas and hidden things that people were not telling me about. Like they might be mad at me, but they wouldn’t tell me, or they might really think I was wrong, but they wouldn’t tell me and that caused me a lot of difficulty as a young person…. And so, to the kind of honesty where I know what you feel….I know what you’re thinking about me - that’s just so comforting for

me to not have to wonder and worry.…I don’t have any of those fears at all in

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my relationship with Sandy because she just is right upfront about that stuff.

Participants consistently shared examples of how their friend meets a need that had gone unmet in childhood. Through friendship one seeks (perhaps unconsciously) to meet selfobject needs that were unmet during early experiences. This finding supports Kohut’s assertion that one is always seeking selfobject experiences throughout life. One’s pattern of approaching relationships is enacted in friendships.

FINDING 3: Having a long-term friend bear witness to shared experiences over time helps one organize a coherent narrative of one’s psychology, relationships, and experiences.

Among the participants in this study the experience of the long-term friendship resulted in a sense of history, shared experience, and being known over time. This responsiveness endured over time, with continuity, permitting the friend to witness one’s experiences. The result was an understanding of one’s past that helps to organize experiences. This helped the participants to locate themselves in their narrative (Chapter V, Theme Four, pp. 151–153). Ally shared, “…Seeing myself through her eyes is kind of cool.” Jackie stated that her friend “is a witness to my life.” Rose explained, “We have witnessed so much of one another…we are really good mirrors for one another. I think that’s part of richness in the relationship.”

Furthermore, for the participants the act of being interviewed, reflecting on one’s

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history and relationship, helped to organize a narrative of their personal and friendship development (Chapter V, Theme Four, pp. 153–155). This contributes to the development of a coherent narrative of one’s life. “This is the most I’ve thought about it,” Jenna remarked. In regard to being interviewed about her friendship, Rose said: I feel like you’ve really given me such a nice opportunity to think about this friendship…. I’ve really welcomed the opportunity to think about it, and I think that you have given me a lot of ways of appreciating this friendship that I maybe in a day-to-day way wouldn’t necessarily stop and think about, and ways of understanding it in a way that I wouldn’t have necessarily spent the time trying to put words to. I feel like I understand this friendship better after talking to you than I have…. It really has been a gift actually…. You are facilitating people thinking about this in a different way, which is very cool.

Kay’s words are a good illustration of this finding: I think it’s actually made me more conscious of how much I value my relationship with her. To talk about it, and in a way it’s so regular…. To be able to stop and go, ‘this is really important in some of the really central ways for me,’ and that’s been really nice. …I thought a lot about the things I said, because I think some of the things I said I had never articulated before, and it raised my curiosity a little bit about what it is that makes us best friends…. It’s funny how emotional that

makes me. Can you see that? It really does. I haven’t thought about, I haven’t

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articulated that before.

Both the friendship and the act of discussing and reflecting upon the friendship resulted in the organization of a narrative.

FINDING 4: Selfobject functions are internalized over time.

Selfobject experiences highlighted through the similarities and differences themes had been experienced over time. Participants reported “needing” the friend less now than in the early years of friendship (Chapter V, Theme Four, pp. 155–158). As the friendship developed over time, participants’ needs diminished, suggesting that the selfobject functions had been internalized. Participants internalized how the friend helped them grow, and subsequently the dependence on the other diminished.

Participants explained how their needs have changed over the course of their friendship. “We’re not needed on a really regular basis” (Ally). Becca stated, “I guess I am not really in a place where I need something as much as I did early on…. Now I think it’s not necessarily a need so much but it’s just a want.” Kay discussed the transformation of her needs: I think mostly I’ve just matured and learned a lot more about myself. I think overall I’ve become a generally less needy person and clearer about the things that I do need. That’s a sort of maturation process.”

Rose explained how the intensity of the need changed:

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The intensity of need for me doesn’t feel quite as strong, and still maybe I feel like my needs are even better met because they are not as intense…. I think as we get older we as individuals learn how to soothe ourselves and help ourselves.

Participants illustrated how their friend has been internalized over the years. “For me it’s the certainty of knowing that there’s somebody there even if I’m not seeing them” (Kay). Leslie expressed how holding her friend inside her makes her feel safe: It’s just very nourishing to know that these friendships are there, or that she’s there and, like, I can kind of bring her up in my mind’s eye… That creates a feeling of safety and of security and fullness. Just knowing that she’s there but also having her in me.

Having their selfobject needs met over time by the friend resulted in the needs becoming less intense. This benefit was integrated into the participants’ psychological functioning, reducing the need to rely on their friend as the years progressed. These selfobject needs had been internalized.

FINDING 5: Development does in fact continue throughout midlife.

Experiencing a finite sense of time to accomplish tasks and having a sense of one’s mortality are well documented aspects of life course theory. A desire to give back and contribute as well as improved confidence were also elucidated through the study

(Chapter V, Theme Three, pp. 126–138), further supporting life course theory.

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Selfobject needs met in friendship and the psychological advantages to these friendships occurring over time illustrate that crucial personal and relationship development continues throughout midlife.

Participants described a sense of finite time due to the demands of midlife tasks.

Leslie observed: I think she feels that she has sort of limited time and energy for things, that there’s certainly not just gonna be the meandering phone call. You know, it’s going to be like, okay, I have like 20 minutes from this time to this time. There’s more…just like a practicality around time and space and money and energy.

Participants described having a limited amount of time and energy because of parenting, working, and being a spouse. Some participants, particularly participants on the older end of the midlife continuum, described a sense of finite time due to age, a limited amount of “time left.” Rose described this finding: Looking at each other, Barbara is completely gray…. She’s grown completely gray, beautiful, beautiful gray, and I look at her, and I think, wow, when I met this woman, she was not gray. There’s also that celebration of having this journey together, and this is where we’ve come. We are not young anymore.

For many participants the quantity of time together was significantly reduced compared to the early years of their friendship. However, most indicated that the quality

of time together has improved. As Becca said, “We try to really make an effort to

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have good quality time, because we obviously don’t have the quantity we need to. We’re not roommates, we’re not single and go out all the time. So it’s quality experiences.”

Participants experienced increased comfort with and confidence in themselves in midlife. Many attributed that to developmental maturity as well as finite time.

Participants were more likely to be accepting of their own flaws and the flaws of their friend without challenge. Kim said, Age helps you grow, too, and experience has helped me grow, and I can appreciate who she is. But I also feel like I have gained an appreciation for myself…. I feel like I am so happy with who she has become, but also happy with who I’ve become.

However, participants were more likely (than when they were younger) to speak up if they were upset. “I think now as I’m older I’m just not afraid of her anymore, and I want to call her bluff” (Jackie). Nora shared, “I’m certainly more fearless this decade of life.”

The sense of safety developed over time promoted this feeling.

Colarusso and Montero (2007) note that the midlife transition includes “…significant intra-psychic changes in psychic structure; self-representations; and attitudes toward the past, present and future that occur as the result of attempts to master the developmental tasks of midlife” (p. 338). This idea is supported by the findings of this study. Needs changed throughout the course of the friendship, in part from developmental growth.

Participants experienced feeling profoundly known and intensely understood over

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time. Experiencing this feeling over time was required for this development. Participants’ experiences over time promoted personal and friendship development.

FINDING 6: Continuity is an important aspect of these friendships.

Almost all of the participants reported having regular times scheduled to see one another, predictable traditions, or frequent contact. Participants noted that continuity in communication and persistence were key (Chapter V, The Role of Ten Surprising Key Features of the Friendships, p. 163-165). For some participants, continuity did not necessarily mean frequent contact. Instead, they had predictable routines for connecting.

However, most participants had continuity (regular contact) as well as frequent contact.

Lack of continuity was cited as a major problem in two friendships that were currently in transition. Katie, shared, “I can’t imagine if she moved away. We literally always lived, like our home bases have always been a mile away from each other…. There’s really never been a point in our life where we have not been in contact.” Rose and exemplified this finding. Rose stated, I would say if nothing else it’s been the consistency….I have made a deliberate decision to sort of ensure that we spend time together on a regular basis and that I’m her go-to person and she’s my go-to person for processing some crazy mom thing or touch points. We’ve made that priority, the regularness of it.

Lisa remarked:

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We work on it really hard. We make sure that we stay in touch with each other.

When we haven’t seen each other for a while, we have a list of things that we need to talk about, share with one another. She has a literal list. It’s of such value that we make a huge effort to keep it up. If there’s been more than three days that we haven’t talked to one another, it’s unusual. We enjoy doing some of the same kind of physical activities together—walking, swimming. I think there’s those things that keep us seeing one another on a regular basis, but the bottom line is we just really like being together.

FINDING 7: All of these factors (meeting selfobject needs and internalizing them over time, addressing early unmet needs, creating a coherent narrative, and experiencing continuity over time) promoted structure building and cohesion strengthening. This all contributes to a continued consolidation of the self.

Participants consistently shared examples of how their friend meets a need that had gone unmet in childhood (Chapter V, The Role of Ten Surprising Key Features of the Friendships, pp. 160–163). As illustrated in Chapter V (Themes One and Two, pp. 96– 126), selfobject needs were met in these friendships. This finding supports Kohut’s assertion that one is always seeking selfobject experiences throughout life. Having their

selfobject needs met over time and with continuity promoted the internalization of

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these benefits.

These friendships offered opportunities to grow and develop self-structure through the process of empathic immersion and selfobject experiences over time. Participants were faced with optimal frustration in their friendships through the experience of disappointments in manageable doses (Chapter V, pp. 112–113, 121–125, 127–136).

However, because the friend was experienced as available to offer other selfobject functions, they were able to navigate around these disjunctive moments. This contributes to structure building. Over time in these long-term friendships this capacity was internalized, and the participant was better able to self-regulate. Participants internalized these psychological resources in order to cope, as evidenced by needing their friend less now than in the early years of their friendship.

Participants in these long-term friendships experienced an opportunity to be known over time, over various developmental stages, resulting in a psychologically anchoring effect. Participants used words like “grounding” and “solidifying” when describing the impact of history on the friendship. Participants used phrases like “nourishing me at a basic level,” illustrating an essential need that appears to have been met. Having someone who knows their earlier experiences and significant people in their early lives had an important impact (Chapter V, Theme Four, pp. 141–151). Leslie’s and Kay’s words powerfully highlight this finding. Leslie said:

There are some things that just give you a sense of solidity… They undergird

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your existence or who you are…. I don’t know how else to describe it except it can make you feel more solid and like, Yup. I love people and have been loved for over 20 years. There is some core of something in me and in them and in us coming together that feels good and reinforcing…. I’m a person who can be loved for over a period of time, and I have the capacity as a person to love someone over a long period of time…. But yeah, for me it’s just very nourishing to know she’s there.

Kay commented: I’m always very happy to see her, but it’s a need thing, it’s not a pleasure thing, our relationship is not—although I get a lot of pleasure out of it—it’s not based on the pleasurable time we spend together. It’s not that we have fun together that makes it so important, it’s that it feeds me. You know, it’s really that basic, that kind of connection that I have with her is that basic to my personality, I think. I had a family where if you made a really bad decision then you were alienated and pushed to the side and shamed, and so to have someone who didn’t, that’s really, really important to me on a really, really basic level…. Well, it’s a really basic need for me, it’s a need, it’s…not just a nice thing.

This responsiveness was experienced over time and with continuity, permitting the friend to witness and share experiences. This helped participants to organize and locate

themselves in their narrative (Chapter V, Theme Four, pp. 151–153). Being deeply

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known and profoundly understood, over time and with continuity, by a person who can reflect one’s history promotes a sense of trust and safety leading to cohesion. Having selfobject needs met over time allowed the participants to internalize these needs, resulting in a strengthening of the self-structure. Long-term friendships address a unique and important psychological need; over time they provide selfobject functions that encourage further consolidation of the self-structure.

The reader is referred to Figures 1-4 for a visual summary of the results and findings.

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Figure 1. Visual Summary of Results and Findings: The Role of Differences

The Role of Differences

Beneficial

Enliven/ Challenge: (Stretch and Grow and Use of Humor)

Regulatory Functions/ Stimulate: Idealizing Selfobject Function

Problematic

Balance/ Completeness

Validating/ Affirming: One's Skills and Talents Validated

Regulatory Functions/ Soothe: Idealizing Selfobject Function

Mirroring Selfobject Function

Feelings of Guilt

Feelings of Distance

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Figure 2. Visual Summary of Results and Findings: The Role of Similarities

The Role of Similarities

Beneficial

Problematic

Shared Activities, Shared Values, and a Sense of "We"

Competition, Disappointed Expectations, and Inertia

Shared Activities and Values = Mirroring Selfobject Function / Sense of "We" = Twinship Selfobject Function

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Figure 3. Visual Summary of Results and Findings: The Role of Midlife

The Role of Midlife

Systems Matter

Finite Time

Confidence Improves

Parenting, Career, and Marriage / Partnership

Quality over Quantity

Maturity and Safety

Development Continues throughout Midlife

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Figure 4. Visual Summary of Results and Findings: The Role of Long-Term

The Role of "Long-Term"

History, Shared Experiences

Sense of Belonging

Twinship Selfobject Function

Feeling Known and Understood

Acceptance, Safety, and a Grounding Experience

StructureBuilding = Strengthening of Cohesion

Narrative

Need versus Want

Friendship Itself and Act of Being Interviewed

Needs lessen over time / More Quality than Quantity of Time Together

Develop Coherent Narrative = Psychologically Organizing and CohesionBuilding

Selfobject Needs Internalized

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Chapter VII

Implications and Conclusions Major Theoretical Implications The broader and most exciting theoretical implications gleaned from this study are that selfobject functions are in fact experienced throughout development (at least through midlife) and that selfobject functions are in fact experienced through friendships. This gives breadth to our understanding of theoretical concepts in terms of how selfobject needs are met in relationships other than with early caregivers, and how these needs are met over time throughout various developmental phases. This study specifically elucidated how similarities among and differences between friends served selfobject needs. Furthermore, this study offered new insight into the function of friendship in developmental tasks of midlife and the ways selfobject needs change.

The experience of the continuity in a long-term friendship resulted in a sense of history, shared experience, and being known over time, while having one’s selfobject needs met. This is consistent with Kohut’s idea of sustained empathic response. This responsiveness endured over time, with continuity, permitting the friend to witness one’s experiences and thus helping one to organize and locate oneself in one’s narrative.

Being profoundly known and intensely understood over time encouraged

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acceptance, leading to a deepening of trust, which permitted a sense of safety. The longterm aspect of these friendships was key to this structure-building process. It was the experience of having the same friend over the course of time, as one developed, that strengthened cohesion. This suggests that not only do selfobject needs continue to develop throughout the life course; being known over time as one develops is actually required in order to deepen and build cohesion.

Needs that had been unmet in early experiences were sought and met in the current friendship. This realization was elucidated without my prompting and was often stumbled upon during the interviews. It was not something that seemed completely conscious to participants prior to this process. Colarusso (1998) supports this finding in his observation that “…friendships are psychically determined and serve conscious and unconscious purposes…” (p. 133). Kohut further corroborates this idea when he notes that one is always seeking selfobject experiences throughout life. This study confirms that one’s pattern of approaching relationships is enacted in friendships.

213 Theoretical Implications through the Lens of Life Course Theory and SelfPsychology: The Conceptual Framework of the Study The influence of similarities and differences in personality were examined in terms of essential selfobject functions. Life course theory provided the frame by which to understand essential tasks of midlife.

Examining life course theory in light of the findings.

Life course theory was the theoretical framework used in conceptualizing essential tasks and continued development in midlife. Life course theory was born out of the increasing need for a longitudinal approach to understanding development from childhood through old age, including the consideration of environmental contexts (Elder, Johnson, & Crosnoe, 2003). Erikson was one of the first psychodynamic thinkers to conceptualize a life course theory of development. He was the first to address developmental issues in midlife by describing Generativity vs. Stagnation as the need to care for self and others (Galatzer-Levy & Cohler, 1993). This emerged from the experiences of the participants as they consistently described the value of being able to contribute their skills and talents to their friend, fulfilling the developmental need of caring not just for self, but for others as well. Erikson (1984) emphasizes the areas of

work, marriage, and parenthood in this stage, which was reported in depth and at high

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frequency by the participants.

Galatzer-Levy and Cohler, as well as Colarusso, provide an extensive conceptualization of the psychological, social, and developmental experiences of individuals across the life span. This study focused on their contributions regarding midlife. They note that midlife is typically marked by three prominent factors: reflecting on one’s achievements or lack thereof, recognizing a finite sense of time, and acknowledging one’s mortality. This acknowledgment leads to the reassessment of one’s work and relationships. Participants on the younger end of the continuum were more likely to cite a finite sense of time (many had young children and careers), while participants on the older end of the continuum were more likely to be reflective in terms of their past achievements as well as the time that is left.

Colarusso and Montero (2007) note that the midlife transition includes “…significant intra-psychic changes in psychic structure; self-representations; and attitudes toward the past, present and future that occur as the result of attempts to master the developmental tasks of midlife” (p. 338). This idea is supported by the findings of this study as well.

Needs changed throughout the course of the friendships in part from developmentally related midlife tasks, but also due to the continued consolidation of the self-structure.

This study suggests that as needs were met over time, the cohesive self was further

strengthened, clearly demonstrating changes in the psychic structure as described by

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Colarusso and Montero (2007).

Pridmore-Brown (2013) and Apter (1996) offer a modern feminist developmental perspective. Pridmore-Brown (2013) termed the phenomenon of women delaying motherhood “the disestablishment of the biological clock.” This idea is supported by this study. Although midlife tasks identified by theorists decades ago still hold true, modern women are often parenting much younger children in early midlife, while years ago they had grown children by their 40s and 50s. In addition, Apter (1996) discusses the phenomenon of “postmenopausal zest”; women find it easier to speak more assertively in midlife. This phenomenon also emerged in the findings of this study.

The present study supports life course theory in demonstrating that development continues throughout the lifespan. The friend chosen and the friendship sustained provided important functions for the participants in adult development and in their current well-being. I assert that individuals in midlife choose which friendships—one of few voluntary relationships—are sustained based on the functions they provide and the needs they meet.

Examining self psychology in light of the findings.

Growth occurs and a stable sense of self develops within the established selfobject transference and through the process of empathic immersion and interpretations, which

lend themselves to the process of transmuting internalization. Transmuting

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internalization is the structure-building process that occurs as one experiences optimal frustration through disappointments in manageable doses, thus internalizing psychological resources to cope. With repetition, this capacity is internalized and one is able to self-regulate. This process is primarily unconscious and automatic. The individual first relies on others for the experience of selfobject needs and then, through optimal frustration, slowly internalizes this capacity (Palombo, 1996), strengthening her or his self-structure.

Although Kohut was speaking in terms of analysis, there are parallels to these experiences in friendship. Ornstein (1990) acknowledges that “Selfobject transferences are not limited to the analytic situation; all intimate relationships generate wishes and fears emanating from unmet and traumatized childhood needs� (p. 42). I assert that friendships offer opportunities to grow and develop one’s self-structure through the process of empathic immersion and selfobject experiences over time. Participants faced optimal frustration in their friendships through the experience of disappointments in manageable doses. However, by experiencing the friend as available to offer other selfobject functions, they were able to navigate these disjunctive moments. This contributes to structure building. Over time, in long-term friendships this capacity was internalized, and the participants were better able to self-regulate. They internalized these psychological resources to cope as evidenced by needing their friend less than in the early

years of their friendship.

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Kohut’s (1979) theory of self-psychology involves the process of developing a cohesive, stable self through three primary selfobject functions: mirroring, idealization, and twinship. Mirroring selfobject functions were experienced in both the differences and similarities among the participants and their respective friends. Idealizing selfobject functions were experienced in the differences between the participants and their friend.

Twinship selfobject functions were experienced in the similarities among the participants and their friend.

Mirroring selfobject function.

The mirroring selfobject function encompasses the feeling of being “the apple of someone’s eye.” One is validated for one’s “greatness and perfection” (Mitchell & Black, 1995, p. 159), which leads to self-confidence, self-respect, and the formation of the grandiose self structure (Palombo, Bendicsen, & Koch, 2010). Mirroring selfobject functions were elucidated in both the similarities with one’s friend and the differences.

Similarities perceived as beneficial were experienced as validating (I value you and we are alike). Participants used words like acceptance, affirmation, and validation frequently without prompting. Participants described how shared activities and values were beneficial. One needs someone like oneself in order to truly experience validation of one’s own value. Similarities shared with the friend are important because they provide a

mirroring selfobject function.

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In the friendship where the frustration of diverging shared values was not optimal, shared history was currently sustaining the friendship. However, this suggests that mirroring through shared values continues to be an important need in friendship. It is unclear how this friendship will continue to develop if the differences in the shared values continue to produce frustration that is not experienced as optimal.

Differences perceived as beneficial were experienced as validating when one was admired for one’s own special skills and talents. Being celebrated for one’s unique qualities was experienced as affirming. This provides positive self-regard and selfconfidence and has a mirroring selfobject function. It produces a stabilizing effect leading to improved self-cohesion.

Experiencing mirroring selfobject need fulfillment through differences is not how mirroring has typically been understood. This offers a unique perspective to the literature.

It is possible that this experience is specific to adulthood.

Idealizing selfobject function.

The idealizing selfobject function allows the child to admire an object, securing a sense of safety and protection. It also affords the child the opportunity for the idealized parent imago to assist in self-control and self-regulation through soothing as well as joyous stimulation (Palombo, Bendicsen, & Koch, 2010, p. 265). Differences offered

opportunities to have an idealized other as well as an opportunity to be idealize

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Differences perceived as beneficial help one to enliven, stretch, and grow as well as calm and soothe. These beneficial differences were experienced as assisting regulation and helping create a sense of safety. The high frequency of terms related to dependability, reliability, admiration, and safety suggests idealizing selfobject functions. One needs someone unlike oneself to idealize in order to assist with self-regulation by stimulating (enlivening/challenging) and soothing (balancing/completing).

Twinship selfobject function.

The twinship selfobject function allows for a feeling of connectedness and common bond with others, leading to a “…feeling of kinship with others…” that promotes a “…sense of well-being and wholesomeness.…” (Palombo, Bendicsen, & Koch, 2010, p.

265). Similarities perceived as beneficial help one to experience a sense of belonging and kinship. History and shared experiences also provided years of feeling a “sense of we,” further promoting twinship functions. This study suggests that twinship selfobject needs are not left in adolescence after all.

220 Summary of how selfobject needs were met through the similarities and differences in the friendship.

The friendships studied integrated the contributions of both similarities and differences between the participant and their friend. Participants benefited from being celebrated and validated through mirroring (similarities and differences), and they were able to achieve stimulation and soothing through idealization (differences). Participants described twinship experiences (similarities and shared experiences) that created a sense of kinship. Over time, these selfobject needs were internalized.

Creating a narrative and continuity.

Colarusso (1998) implies that friends assist in developing and securing a self-narrative because friends of the same age help to provide a steady understanding of one’s history and assist in organizing one’s early experiences. This is consistent with the participants’ description of their friend serving as a witness to their life. Furthermore, the act of being interviewed, reflecting on one’s history and relationship, helped to organize a narrative of one’s personal and friendship development. This contributes to the development of a coherent narrative of one’s life that may lead to a cohesive sense of self, emphasized in self-psychology.

Kohut (1971) noted the importance of continuity as it relates to cohesion, “…the

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growth of the self experience as a physical and mental unit which has cohesiveness in space and continuity in time” (p. 118). He goes on to explain that the patient begins to feel …subjectively whole and complete (including the sense of their continuity in time) when the analyst gives evidence of remembering the patient’s earlier accounts and feeling states—a clear sign that the analyst (in the mirror transference) has begun to fulfill an important (pre)structural function in the maintenance of the cohesiveness of the patient’s self. (p. 130) In fact, more recently Goldberg (2011) asserted, “People feel better when understood and achieve an added feeling of self cohesion when understood over time” (p. 309).

It is my position that a similar experience is present in friendships. Being deeply known and profoundly understood, over time, by a person who can reflect one’s history, promotes a sense of cohesion. The continuity offered by shared experiences over time is cohesion strengthening. Having selfobject needs met over time allowed the participants to internalize these needs, resulting in a strengthening of the self-structure.

As midlife tasks were introduced, there were fewer opportunities to spend time together, and there was more comfort in asserting oneself. Minor conflicts and disappointments were experienced. However, due to the history, shared experiences, and feeling known over time, and due to an established foundation of validation, admiration,

and kinship, participants all responded to these obstacles with acceptance of the

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other’s mistakes.

In terms of development over time, Kohut (1977) explained, “The psychologically healthy adult continues to need the mirroring of the self by selfobjects…and he continues to need targets for his idealization” (p. 188). The meeting of selfobject needs by spouses, analysts, religion, art, mentorship, and parenthood has been noted; however, the potential to have selfobject needs met through friendships has been largely overlooked prior to this study. Friendships are indeed the family we choose. Long-term friendships meet a unique and valuable psychological need, as they provide these functions over time, further consolidating the self-structure. Many have suspected these needs are met in friendships, but this study is the first of its kind to demonstrate, through a rigorous qualitative research process, that selfobject needs are, in fact, experienced in friendships.

Summary of Theoretical Implications •

Life course theory conceptualized essential tasks and continued development in midlife. Participants described the value in being able to contribute their skills and talents to their friend (emerging from differences), fulfilling the developmental need of caring not just for self, but for others as well. Erikson (1984) emphasizes the areas of work, marriage, and parenthood in this stage, which was reported in depth and at high frequency by the participants in the present study. Participants

reflected on achievements, or lack thereof, recognizing a finite sense of time,

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and acknowledging one’s mortality.

•

Kohut’s three primary selfobject functions (mirroring, idealization, and twinship) were sought and experienced in friendship. Participants sought (perhaps unconsciously) selfobject needs that were unmet during early experiences.

Participants chose friends who offered an opportunity to experience those early unmet needs in a reparative way.

•

Mirroring selfobject functions were experienced in both the differences between and similarities with the participants and their friend. Idealizing selfobject functions were experienced in the differences between the participants and their friend. Twinship selfobject functions were experienced in the similarities and shared experiences with the participants and their friend.

•

Needs changed throughout the course of the friendship, due in part to developmentally related midlife tasks, but also to the continued consolidation of the self-structure. This study suggests that as needs were met over time, the cohesive self was further strengthened, clearly demonstrating changes in the psychic structure.

224 Data that Differed From Expectations It is important to note that I was surprised that more experiences of conflict and adversarial relationships were not reported. Only three participants reported being in a conflictual state of transition with their friend. Wolf (1998) talks about an adversarial transference in which the individual acts out “…a need to experience himself or herself as autonomous and to have his or her autonomy responsively accepted” (p. 126). This involves the need to have a reassuring yet contrary selfobject relationship (Wolf, 1988).

Overall, the participants in the study have found their autonomy in adaptive ways, such as through their appreciation of their differences. The fact that the participants were able to establish and maintain a long-term friendship was a sign of health, which supports the finding of limited conflict.

In my attempt to give equal weight to conflict and frustration in friendships, I asked participants to elaborate on how these were experienced. However, most reported that problems were minimal (particularly at this stage of their friendship) and did not threaten the relationship. These participants did not seem to repeat old, painful experiences, but sought new ways to meet needs, needs that had not been met satisfactorily in their early experiences. Their friendships had a reparative nature. Perhaps this can be explained because the participant pool was a healthy population. Also, it is possible that those who

were more likely to volunteer for the study were individuals who were less likely to

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have an adversarial experience in the friendship.

Another possible explanation is that there is something developmental contributing to this pattern. The study concluded that the participants developed an unconditional acceptance of their friend over time. This was coupled with the fact that participants reported that they were more likely “at this age” to have cut off relationships that were experienced as more problematic due to finite resources of time and energy in midlife.

Perhaps the friendships that were more likely to be sustained came with greater ease.

The other theoretical surprise involved the experience of midlife. The literature indicated midlife was generally conceptualized as 40–60 years of age. However, due to medical advances and quality of life experienced by many, 40 seemed young to be in midlife, and I wondered how participants’ developmental tasks might differ from theory.

I expected new information to emerge regarding how midlife is currently experienced.

However, much of what life course theory notes appears to hold true in today’s world.

The ages of the children, and whether or not one had grandchildren, have changed because today women have children at a later age than they did when the developmental theories emerged. Overall, human development appears to have remained fairly consistent with the theories proposed by developmental thinkers of years past.

226 Clinical Implications Providing an in-depth analysis of friendships assists others in employing this protective factor against negative feeling states, elucidates therapeutic uses, and facilitates social workers’ understanding of the important developmental process of maintaining friendships. Deepening our psychodynamic understanding of friendships in midlife, including the heterogeneity and homogeneity of these relationships, could lead to improved therapeutic outcomes, thus making this study significant to clinical social work.

It is important to examine these contributions in light of the findings. This study has significance to clinical social work in the following ways: •

Explained how friendships become a protective factor against the impact of stress

•

Elucidated therapeutic uses of understanding friendships

•

Contributed to the literature on the heterogeneity and homogeneity of friendships

•

Addressed the gap in the literature on midlife females’ experience with friendship

•

Offered a psychodynamic understanding of friendships

•

Facilitated social workers’ understanding of the importance of maintaining friendships

227 Explained how friendships become a protective factor against the impact of stress.

This study illustrated how basic needs are met through friendships and how it improves one’s psychological resources and strengthens one’s self-structure. This benefit of the study has a direct impact on clinical work, as the therapist can encourage this relationship (friendship) in the client’s life as a source of support, particularly between sessions. Knowing the psychological benefits of friendship can also offer another option for therapists in regard to helping the client understand their approach to friendship as well as strengthening their relationship skills in this area. As the study demonstrated, friendship has powerfully stabilizing and nourishing effects for women in midlife. The benefits of friendship should be applied in the clinical setting.

Elucidated therapeutic uses of understanding friendships.

This study can help therapists examine not only early and romantic relationships, but also friendships. It can inform the therapist’s understanding about potential unconscious processes. One’s pattern of approaching relationships is manifested in friendships. If a therapist can assist in making this material conscious, then one is more likely to achieve improved psychological and emotional functioning. After identifying unconscious needs that are seeking fulfillment in others, the therapist and client can explore the meaning of

those unmet or continuing needs. They are then better equipped to work to meet those

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needs in healthy ways.

If one predominantly seeks relationships that reflect one’s own worth, perhaps this could provide insight into mirroring selfobject needs. If one predominantly seeks relationships that stimulate, protect, and soothe, perhaps this could provide insight into idealization selfobject needs. If one has achieved twinship with others, perhaps this could provide insight into one’s intrapsychic and interpersonal strengths, which could then be built on in a therapeutic capacity. Therefore, by furthering one’s understanding of friendships, this study also has the potential to deepen therapeutic work with clinical populations. Expanding social workers’ understanding of the experience of friendships will likely alert them to the exploration of another road to deepen therapeutic understanding of self.

Contributed to the literature on the heterogeneity and homogeneity of friendships.

This study provided valuable information on friendships that is currently unavailable, information related to the heterogeneity of friendships. It added to what we know about the homogeneity of friendships as well. This study deepens understanding of the unique and important roles and functions of similarities and differences in getting psychological needs met.

This is important to clinical social work because it promotes not just tolerance of

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differences, but appreciation of how those differences can be beneficial. The clinician’s understanding of how similarities (the homogeneity) among friends offer opportunities for mirroring and twinship selfobject experiences, and of how differences (the heterogeneity) between friends offer opportunities for mirroring and idealizing selfobject experiences is crucial to understanding the client’s relationships. It also provides an opportunity to guide the client to individuals who may offer more benefits from a selfobject perspective.

Attended to the gap in the literature on midlife females’ experience with friendship.

Developmental tasks and pressures of midlife are contributors to the high rate of depression in this population. This study expanded understanding of development in midlife from a self-psychological and life course perspective. This gives breadth to our understanding of developmental concepts in terms of how needs are met over time Understanding psychic changes that occur during midlife is important for clinical social work.

This study is also important for clinicians to consider because it offers support for more modern developmental perspectives of midlife. Pridmore-Brown (2013) termed the phenomenon of women delaying motherhood “the disestablishment of the biological

clock.” This idea was supported by this study. Apter (1996) discusses the

230

phenomenon of “postmenopausal zest,” in which women find it easier to speak more assertively in midlife. This phenomenon also emerged through this study as reflected in the findings. This is critical to keep in mind while working with modern women in midlife.

Offered a psychodynamic understanding of friendship.

Few psychodynamic thinkers have addressed friendship, and even fewer have addressed friendship from a self-psychological perspective. Unconscious processes that ensue in friendships have been largely ignored. When friendships have been considered through a psychodynamic lens, they have involved clinical observations and experience, not research. In addition, literature on the topic has typically focused on clinical populations instead of healthy individuals. This study filled a gap and is therefore important as a contribution to the existing body of psychodynamic knowledge.

Although friendship is mentioned briefly by Hagman (1997) and others, the literature lacks an in-depth self-psychological examination of friendship. In fact, I searched all of the conference brochures available from the International Association for Psychoanalytic Self Psychology since 2002, and not one presentation addressed friendship. The potential to secure selfobject needs through friendships has been largely overlooked for years throughout many contexts. This study is the first to examine selfobject needs in female

friendships. Offering a psychodynamic understanding of friendship invites exciting

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clinical opportunities.

Facilitated social workers’ understanding of the importance of maintaining friendships.

Through systematic research processes, this study supports the notion that friendships address essential psychological needs, strengthen one’s self-structure, and offer insight into one’s early experiences, including deficits. It is critical that social work training programs no longer ignore the examination of this relationship. This also has implications for social workers’ self-care needs as they embark on an emotionally demanding profession.

Summary of Clinical Implications Providing an in-depth analysis of friendships may lead to improved therapeutic outcomes, making this study significant for clinical social work. The study described ways in which unconscious processes and psychological needs are enacted in friendships.

Expanding social workers’ understanding of the experience of friendships will likely alert them to the possibility of exploring another road to deepen therapeutic understanding of self.

Understanding psychic changes that occur during midlife is important for clinical

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social work. This study is also important for clinicians to consider because it offers support for more modern developmental perspectives of midlife. Through systematic research processes, this study supports the notion that friendships address essential psychological needs, strengthen one’s self-structure, and offer insight into one’s early experiences, including deficits. It is critical that social work training programs no longer ignore the examination of this relationship.

Researcher’s Response to Findings Although I allowed these data to drive the meaning making, I suspected that one benefits from the differences between oneself and one’s friend. Feeling stimulated and enlivened by differences was not completely unexpected. However, I did not anticipate that a soothing and protective function was created through one’s differences. I was most surprised that mirroring selfobject functions were experienced in differences.

I did not expect that needs would become less intense as the friendship progressed, particularly among women coping with midlife tasks. However, as participants explained, a strong foundation was laid during the early years of the friendship, and the continuity of connection and experiencing selfobject functions over the years allowed internalization.

This coupled with the finite sense of time and energy in midlife, as well as spousal support, made participants less reliant on constant communication with friends.

The most surprising finding was that participants did not use technology to

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increase the frequency of communication. These women used social media less often than others in their age group. Perhaps using more intimate methods of connecting with their friend contributes to the success of these friendships.

Validity and Limitations of Study Credibility was established through extensive time in the field and the triangulation of data. Transferability was achieved through rich details and descriptions. Confirmability and dependability were attained through an extensive critique of the research process (Creswell, 2013). The accuracy of the results with the participants validates the research.

I improved reliability by creating detailed notes through a variety of memo-writing strategies and used high quality technology for recording.

I also transcribed some of the interviews myself, noting pauses, hesitations, laughter, and sighs. A transcription service with a high accuracy rating was used for other interviews. I checked the accuracy of the transcriptions while listening to the interviews and following along with the transcript. To my surprise, I felt more connected to the participants and the data not through my own transcribing, but through listening to the interviews while following along with the provided transcripts. While transcribing on my own, I was focused on documenting each word, pause, and sound accurately. Not being so absorbed in that process freed me up to listen in a different way. I liken it to listening

in a therapy session when a process recording will follow versus being in a more free

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associative state while listening. Listening in a more free associative state triggered more memories and put me in a different emotional place. Reflecting on the field notes and memos taken during the interviews also triggered different ways of listening.

I obtained permission through the Internal Review Board to change my intention from doing my own transcribing to using a professional service (with a confidentiality agreement) for some. Although the written consent reviewed and signed by participants did not specify how the interviews would be transcribed, since I had verbally alluded to transcribing myself to some participants, I confirmed their permission to use a professional service.

I utilized the validation strategy of member checking. Participants were asked to review the results and provide feedback about my interpretation of the essence of the phenomenon. They were also asked to make note of any aspect of the results about which they had questions, concerns, or comments. Although I conducted informal member checking throughout the entire process of interviewing, I also reached out to all participants individually an additional two times each.

Nine out of 13 participants responded and 6 of those 9 provided feedback. Five of the 6 participants providing feedback expressed delight at how the results were conceptualized and noted that their experience was accurately reflected. One of those 6 participants had questions about specific quotes, which were then clarified to the

participant’s satisfaction. Another participant provided additional data. In addition, a

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participant clarified a mistake regarding the onset of her friendship.

I also employed other validation strategies noted by Creswell (2013), including peer review and debriefing (through committee members), negative case analysis (“data that differed from expectations”), clarified researcher bias (“statement of assumptions”), and provision of rich, thick descriptions. In addition to these steps, I provided an unfiltered voice to the participants in order to encourage data to emerge authentically.

Limitations and Delimitations Delimitations of this study involve demographic issues related to participant population. The population was homogeneous: primarily white, middle-class, married with children, and formally educated. Although this perhaps helped the purity of these data, it offered insight into the experience of this phenomenon only with this particular population.

Ideas for Future Research The findings of this study prompt many recommendations for future research. Further exploring the impact of the age of onset of the friendships and controlling for midlife versus length of the friendship could expand the findings. Repeating this study with men or women of other races/cultures and economic classes might yield interesting results that

could be compared to this study. Also, replicating this study with individuals in other

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age groups experiencing varied developmental tasks could also supplement these results.

Seeking a clinical population could provide insight into the experience of individuals with less adaptive skill sets. Considering friendships that have dissolved, as well as comparing and contrasting this friendship with others (current and past), are additional ways to expand the study. Other possible ways to build on the limitations of this study in future research include using a mixed methods approach, comparing and contrasting the experiences of a dyad, focusing on problematic friendships, and examining this phenomenon using a different theoretical framework.

Conclusion The modern depiction of friendship in reality television is infused with conflict, while social media emphasize quantity over quality of friendships, confusing and discounting what makes friendships work. Despite being an important protective factor against negative feeling states, little is known about in-depth aspects of sustainable friendships.

Exploring the role of similarities and differences in getting needs met was absent from the literature. Research on individuals in midlife was almost completely overlooked.

Providing an in-depth analysis of friendships assists others in employing this protective factor against negative feeling states, elucidates therapeutic uses, and facilitates social workers’ understanding of the important developmental process of maintaining

friendships. It also offers a psychodynamic understanding of friendship.

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This phenomenological, qualitative study explored how midlife females describe their experience in long-term friendships, specifically as those friendships relate to how their needs were met. This study used semi-structured interviews with 13 midlife (40–60) women who have experienced the same phenomenon (long-term friendship). Almost all participants were white, married, working mothers (in a professional capacity) who started off with almost daily contact (lasting several years) that grew to mostly weekly contact currently (not via social media) and who had met in their teens.

The data were interpreted through a self-psychological and life course theory lens. The influence of similarities and differences in personality was examined in terms of essential selfobject needs and functions. Life course theory, which defines essential tasks of midlife, provided the theoretical frame from which to understand the impact of midlife on participants’ experience in the friendship. Research questions were: •

How do midlife females describe the experience of long-term friendships?

•

How will similarities in personality be described and experienced in midlife females in long-term friendships?

•

How will differences in personality be described and experienced in midlife females in long-term friendships?

•

What meaning do midlife females ascribe to the function of similarities in personality in their long-term friendship?

•

238 What meaning do midlife females ascribe to the function of differences in personality in their long-term friendship?

•

How are selfobject experiences understood in midlife females’ long-term friendships? o How will we understand mirroring needs as they are experienced in the descriptions of long-term friendships in midlife females? o How will we understand idealizing needs as they are experienced in the descriptions of long-term friendships in midlife females? o How will we understand twinship needs as they are experienced in the descriptions of long-term friendships in midlife females?

The results yielded five themes: The Role of Differences, The Role of Similarities, The Role of Midlife, The Role of Long-Term, and The Role of Ten Surprising Key Features of the Friendships.

Theme One, the role of differences: How and why opposites attract; differences provide mirroring and idealizing selfobject functions.

Differences help one to enliven, stretch, and grow as well as calm and soothe. The benefits of these differences were experienced as assisting regulation and helping create a sense of safety. This has an idealizing selfobject function. Differences were also experienced as validating by enabling one to feel admired for one’s own skills and

talents. This has a mirroring selfobject function. Differences offered opportunities to

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have an idealized other as well as an opportunity to be idealized. Differences perceived as problematic, although noted frequently when participants were asked, were also described as being “minor,” without a serious impact on the friendship.

Theme Two, the role of similarities: How and why birds of a feather flock together; similarities provide mirroring and twinship selfobject functions.

Similarities were experienced as validating (I value you and we are alike). This has a mirroring selfobject function. Similarities also helped one to experience a sense of belonging and kinship. This has a twinship selfobject function. Similarities perceived as problematic were described as minor, manageable issues and were never “deal-breakers.”

Theme One and Theme Two: Compared and contrasted.

Differences and similarities were experienced fairly consistently, although differences were reported slightly more often than similarities (197 and 161 times, respectively).

Differences and similarities were experienced as beneficial with great consistency among all participants. (79 and 80 times, respectively). Both differences and similarities were far more likely to be experienced as beneficial rather than problematic (shared 79/80 times as beneficial and 36/13 times as problematic, respectively). Participants had similar values and interests and differed in terms of some personality traits, skills, or lifestyle choices.

240 Theme Three, the role of midlife in personal and friendship development: systems matter, finite time, and I’m more comfortable in my own skin Participants noted that other systems (spouses, other friends, aging parents, grandchildren) either had a positive impact or had no impact on the friendship. Long commutes, demanding careers, and level of support from the spouse/partner affected time spent with the friend. Most reported that these systems either enabled them to sustain the friendship in some way or were deliberately kept separate and consequently protected the friendship. Participants whose friendships experienced the most difficulty cited problems related to these competing systems.

Participants on the younger end of the midlife continuum acknowledged the developmental task of having finite time to accomplish goals and wishes. Participants on the older end of the midlife continuum expressed a sense of finite time in regard to time left to live with the friend. Quantity of time together was significantly reduced for many participants, although most indicated that the quality of time together was improved compared to their younger years.

Participants experienced improved confidence in midlife. They were more likely to be accepting of their own flaws and the flaws of their friend without challenge; however, they were more likely (than when they were younger) to speak up if something was deemed important. In midlife, one is thinking more in terms of giving back, contributing

to others and the world. All participants noted issues and strengths related to midlife

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frequently (138 times), demonstrating needs and resources present in this developmental stage. Development indeed continues throughout midlife.

Theme Four, the role of “long-term” in long-term friendship in personal and friendship development history, feeling known, narratives, and need versus want.

The long-term aspect of these friendships offered ample opportunities for feeling profoundly known and intensely understood over time due to history and shared experiences. Being known over time increased participants’ sense of acceptance, leading to a deepening of trust that permitted a sense of safety. Shared experiences provided a sense of belonging and togetherness.

History, shared experiences, and feeling known via a witness also helped to create a narrative of one’s life, which had an organizing function. As the friendship developed over time, participants’ needs diminished. Participants internalized how the friend helped them grow, and consequently the dependence on the other lessened. As their needs became less intense and more internalized, participants were able to spend less time with the friend without compromising the quality of the bond.

Being deeply understood and unconditionally accepted over time while having a witness to shared experiences and relationships could be a structure-building process that leads to an improved sense of cohesion as selfobject needs are internalized (as suggested

by needs diminishing over time as cohesion develops). Not only does development

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continue in terms of selfobject needs; it serves to deepen and strengthen cohesion if it is occurring over time.

Theme Five, the role of ten surprising key features of the friendships: crucial aspects of the friendships expressed unprompted by participants.

These women laid a foundation of intimacy through a high frequency of communication, often without other systems involved, early on in the friendship and maintained continuity throughout the friendship even if the frequency of contact diminished. Consistent reciprocity and similar values led to a sense that the relationship was more like family than a friendship. Upon reflection, participants shared that some of the needs met currently in the friendship were often consistent with needs that had been unmet by early caregivers, suggesting a reworking of those relationships but experiencing them in new ways. The participants indicated that they have many long-term friends, implying that perhaps these women possess a special skill set, or that they are seeking out friendships in order to have needs met.

Participants noted experiences of acceptance, affirmation, and validation frequently, suggesting mirroring selfobject functions. There was a high frequency of descriptions related to dependability, reliability, admiration, and safety, suggesting idealizing selfobject functions. The combination of acceptance and safety led participants to

conclude that there were “no deal-breakers” in this friendship; nothing could interfere

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with their bond.

Summary of Conclusions

Selfobject needs are indeed met in friendships. Selfobject needs met in friendship and the psychological advantages to these friendships occurring over time illustrate that crucial personal and relationship development continues throughout midlife. Individuals in midlife continue to seek opportunities to address early unmet needs through current friendships. One’s pattern of approaching relationships is enacted in friendships. This gives breadth to our understanding of theoretical concepts in terms of how selfobject needs are met in relationships other than with early caregivers, and how these needs are met over time throughout various developmental phases. This study offers new insight into the function of friendship in developmental tasks of midlife and how selfobject needs change.

Long-term friendships offer opportunities to be understood and known over time, promoting a sense of trust and safety. Having a friend bear witness to shared experiences over time helps to organize a coherent narrative of one’s psychology, relationships, and experiences. Continuity emerged as an important aspect of these friendships. This suggests that not only do selfobject needs continue to develop throughout the life course, but being known over time by the same friend as one continues to develop is actually

required in order to deepen and strengthen cohesion. All of these factors promote

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structure-building and cohesion-strengthening contributing to a continued consolidation of the self.

245

Appendix A Script for Recruitment

Appendix A

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Script for Recruitment Hi everyone! I am currently working on my dissertation about long-term friendships. I’m looking for women between 40-60 years old. If you know anybody who might be willing to meet with me, please pass this information along! Help me earn my PhD in Social Work!

The depiction of friendship has really changed. Reality television is infused with conflict while social media emphasizes quantity over quality of friendships discounting what makes long-term friendships work. Friendship has been proven to help us emotionally, yet little is known about how long-term friendships really work, especially in women in this age group.

Are you 40-60 years of age, female, and have a close friendship of 20 or more years?

Would you be willing to talk to me about yourself and one of your closest friends and the nature of your friendship?

If so, you will be asked to take part in two, 60-90 minute interviews. A brief follow up interview may also be necessary (by phone or comments can be provided via email). I will travel to your home or to a location that is convenient to you, such as your office or home, so long as it is within a 2-3 hour drive of the Chicagoland area. We can also do some of the interviewing by phone, Skype, Facetime, etc. should that be more favorable to you.

You will be given a $30 American Express gift card as a thank you. There are no costs to participating. Your interest in the study, your participation in the study, and all information shared will remain confidential. (However, if you “like” the post or re-post this “request for participation” it may compromise your confidentiality as it may imply your interest in the topic.)

If you are interested in participating or gathering more information, please privately message me, email me at mpio@me.com, or call me at 773-450-9572. Or, if you prefer, provide your contact information and I would be happy to reach out to you. Please do not respond publicly on Facebook as your privacy can’t be protected and I then wouldn’t be able to include you in the study. Please share this post and encourage others to share this post in an effort to attract participants! I hope to hear from you!

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Appendix B Script for Brief Screening Interview

248 Appendix B Script for Brief Screening Interview

After a potential participant makes contact with me and expresses an interest in participating, a brief screening interview will take place. This will be conducted by phone in order to ascertain their appropriateness for the study. This screening interview is likely to reflect a similar conversation as the following: “Thank you so very much for being interested in my study! I appreciate your willingness to consider participating in the study. There are a few things I need to confirm before we move forward. Are you aware that I am studying midlife females’ experience in longterm friendships? I’m looking to describe the meaning women ascribe to that experience, particularly as it relates to how needs are met. I also have to confirm you are female and between 40-60 years of age. Do you have a close friend of 20 or more years? Would you be willing to be interviewed two times for up to 90 minutes each as well as a 30 minute follow up interview? Are you okay with being audiotaped? Are you within a 2-3 hour drive of the Chicagoland area? Great!

In an effort to minimize any risk to you for participating, I’d like to ask you about some things that might make you emotionally vulnerable to talking about your experience in this friendship. Are you currently pregnant? Have you experienced anything in the last 6-12 months such as starting therapy, a support group, or new medication? Have you been recently hospitalized or experienced a recent loss? Is there anything else you could think of that might make you emotionally vulnerable to participating? Then our next step is to talk about where and when we could meet so that I could go through the consent process in more detail and get started! I’m willing to meet in a location that is most convenient to you so long as it provides a quiet space to talk.”

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Appendix C Script for Informed Consent

Appendix C

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Script for Informed Consent The informed consent process will include explaining the purpose of the study, expected length of the interviews, potential benefits to participating, and possible risks to participating. Participants will be informed that there are no costs to participating and that all of the information will remain confidential. Participants will also be made aware that they could terminate the consent and stop the process at any time. I will read and review this consent with the participants and then ask them what their understanding of the study is in order to confirm their informed consent. If participants’ agree, they will sign the consent to participate in research.

“The purpose of this study is to understand the experience of long-term friendships in women who are between 40-60 years old. The study involves interviewing about 8-16 women and asking them some broad questions about their friendships and then follow-up questions based on their responses. I hope to understand this experience better because this is an important relationship for many women. Little is known about how long-term friendships really work, especially in women in this age group. Information from this study might help social workers understand friendship and apply this understanding to help their clients.

You will be asked to take part in two, 60-90 minute interviews and then a 30 minute follow up interview. I will travel to a location convenient to you so long as it is within a 2-3 hour drive of the Chicagoland area. Interviewing by phone, Skype, Facetime, etc. may also be done should that be more favorable to you. You will be given a $30 American Express gift card as a thank you. There are no other known benefits to you for participating in the study.

A possible risk to participating in the study is the inconvenience related to being interviewed several times and also any negative emotional responses that might come up as a result of talking about your friendship. Should that happen and you become interested in getting support for that, I will provide referrals to be of help. These referrals will include practitioners who take private and public insurance as well as practitioners who charge on a sliding scale (charge according to what you could afford). If you are not in the Chicagoland area, referrals to practitioners near your location will be provided. If you experience any negative emotions you don’t have to continue, don’t have to answer the questions, and perhaps shouldn’t. You could stop the interviews and withdraw your participation at any time. There are no costs to participating.

251 All information shared will remain confidential. Identifying information will not be included in the research and will be located in a separate, locked location from all other data. My committee members and I will be the only individuals who have access to the raw data. The information shared will be disguised. Audio recordings and all documents related to the study will be password protected. After the mandated 5 year post graduation time has been met, I will personally destroy all paper data by shredding or burning it, and all electronic data will be deleted.�

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Appendix D Informed Consent Form

Appendix D

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Informed Consent Form Leave box empty - For office use only

Institute for Clinical Social Work Research Information and Consent for Participation in Social Behavioral Research A PHENOMENOLOGICAL STUDY OF THE ROLE OF PERSONALITY IN MEETING THE NEEDS OF MIDLIFE FEMALES IN LONG-TERM FRIENDSHIPS I, ____________________________________, acting for myself agree to take part in the research entitled: Midlife Females’ Experience in Long-Term Friendships.

This work will be carried out Michelle Piotrowski under the supervision of Dr. James Lampe. This work is conducted under the auspices of the Institute for Clinical Social Work; At Robert Morris Center, 401 South State Street; Suite 822, Chicago, IL 60605; (312) 935-4232.

Purpose The purpose of this research study is to describe midlife females’ experience in long-term friendships and the meaning they ascribe to that experience, specifically as it relates to how one’s needs are met. The research involves interviewing participants. The interviews will be audiotaped and transcribed (by this researcher). This researcher intends to synthesize the data from the interviews to reflect the essence of what the participants’ experienced and how they experienced it. Little is known about how longterm friendships really work, especially in women in this age group. This researcher

hopes to gain information from participants’ experiences that might help other social workers understand this relationship and apply what is learned to help their clients.

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PROCEDURES USED IN THE STUDY AND THE DURATION Participants will be asked to take part in two, 60-90 minute interviews and then a 30 minute follow up interview (by phone or email). This researcher will travel to a location convenient to the participant so long as it is within a 2-3 hour drive of the Chicagoland area. Interviewing can also take place by phone, Skype, Facetime, etc. should that be more favorable.

Benefits This study will provide new information on the meaning and function of long-term friendships in a midlife population of women. Participants will be contributing to the literature and social work profession by providing updated, in-depth information on longterm friendships. Social workers could benefit both personally and professionally from deepening their understanding of this important relationship. Participants may experience positive affective states due to talking in depth about their friendship. Also, participants will be given a $30 American Express gift card as a thank you.

Costs There are no costs to participating.

Possible Risks and/or Side Effects A possible risk to participating in the study is the inconvenience related to being interviewed several times and also any negative emotional responses that might come up as a result of talking about friendship. Should that happen and participants’ become interested in getting support, referrals near the participants’ location will be provided.

These referrals will include practitioners who take private and public insurance as well as practitioners who charge on a sliding scale. If participants experience any negative emotions they do not have to continue, do not have to answer the questions, and perhaps should not. Participants could stop the interviews and withdraw participation at any time.

Privacy and Confidentiality All information shared will remain confidential. Identifying information will not be included in the research and will be located in a separate, locked location from all other

255 data. Committee members and this researcher will be the only individuals who have access to the raw data. The information shared will be disguised. Audio recordings and all documents related to the study will be password protected. After the mandated 5-year post graduation time has been met, this researcher will personally destroy all paper data by shredding or burning it and all electronic data will be deleted.

Subject Assurances By signing this consent form, I agree to take part in this study. I have not given up any of my rights or released this institution from responsibility for carelessness. I may cancel my consent and refuse to continue in this study at any time without penalty or loss of benefits. My relationship with the staff of the ICSW will not be affected in any way, now or in the future, if I refuse to take part, or if I begin the study and then withdraw.

If I have any questions about the research methods, I can contact Michelle Piotrowski at (773) 952-5482 or Dr. James Lampe at (773) 665-1380. If I have any questions about my rights as a research subject, I may contact Dr. John Ridings, Chair of Institutional Review Board; ICSW; At Robert Morris Center, 401 South State Street; Suite 822, Chicago, IL 60605; (312) 935-4232.

Signatures I have read this consent form and I agree to take part in this study as it is explained in this consent form.

Signature of Participant __________________________________Date ___________ I certify that I have explained the research to ______________________________ and believe that they understand and that they have agreed to participate freely. I agree to answer any additional questions when they arise during the research or afterward.

Signature of Researcher __________________________________Date ___________ Revised 1 Feb 2014

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Appendix E Interview Guideline

Appendix E

257

Interview Guideline This is an interview guide only. These questions may be adapted. It is suspected that many questions may not have to be asked because they will be elucidated through the broad questions, conversation, and storytelling. Additional questions may be asked as long as they remain within the framework of the study.

I want you to think about one person that has been a friend for 20 or more years, one person you feel really close to. This person is one of the friends in your life that come to mind when thinking of your closest friends. You get to choose how you define that. It may be a person you talk to and see a lot or it may not be. If you had to pick just one close friend, who would it be? (Use this name throughout the interview.)

I am going to ask you some questions about yourself, (friend’s name), and your relationship with (friend’s name). There will be some questions about your personality, (friend’s name) personality, how you are similar, and how you differ. Some questions will be about how your friendship has evolved, including the benefits and challenges.

Thank you so much for the opportunity to learn from this special relationship in your life.

Do you have any questions?

BACKGROUND QUESTIONS 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

How old are you?

How old is (friend’s name)?

Are you married? How long?

Do you have any children? How many? What are their ages?

What ethnicity do you primarily identify with?

What type of work do you do? What type of work does (friend’s name) do?

Do you live in an urban, suburban, or rural area? Where does (friend’s name) live?

8. How often do you use social media (Twitter, Facebook)?

CONTEXT OF FRIENDSHIP 1. What comes to mind when you think of your friendship with (friend’s name)?

2. Tell me more about how you met. How many years have you been friends?

3. How often do you get to see each other and talk to each other? (Areas to cover include the following.)

258 How often do you see each other?

Do you go out together?

With other friends and/or with kids?

How often do you talk on the phone? Text? Email?

How often do you use social media with (friend’s name)? How do you use it with (friend’s name)? How do you feel about it?

4. Tell me some stories of your friendship. (These could include turning points, downturns, moments of support, times of frustration, funny memories, etc.) What did that feel like? What did that mean to you?

5. Are there times when (friend’s name) really validates you? Is really there for you? What does that feel like to you? What does that mean to you?

6. Can you think of times you have drawn upon (friend’s name) strength?

(Reliability? Trustworthiness?) What does that mean to you? What is that like for you? a. b. c. d. e.

Thanks! Next I’m going to ask you some questions about your personality and (friend’s name) personality.

PERSONALITY QUESTIONS (could be 2nd interview) 1. Tell me about your personality. (How would you describe your personality?)

2. What do you like about your personality?

3. In what ways, if any, do you wish you were different?

4. Tell me about (friend’s name) personality. (How would you describe (friend’s name) personality?)

5. What do you like about (friend’s name) personality?

6. In what ways, if any, do you wish (friend’s name) was different?

7. What would your friend say about your personality?

Like any relationship, there are ways that we are similar and ways we differ from our friends.

SIMILARITIES AND DIFFERENCES It is suspected that many of these questions may have been answered through the broad questions, conversation, and storytelling. If so, a follow up question may be: •

I’ve noticed a lot of similarities (and/or differences) in your personality. What do

259 you make of that? How do you feel about those similarities (and/or differences)? What do those similarities (and/or differences) mean to you? How do they help you? How are they problematic?

Other potential questions to explore include: 1. How do you think you and (friend’s name) are alike?

2. In what ways, if any, are these similarities with (friend’s name) beneficial to you?

3. Are there ways in which these similarities become problematic?

4. How do you think you are (friend’s name) are different from one another?

5. In what ways, if any, are these differences between you and (friend’s name) beneficial to you?

6. Are there ways in which these differences become problematic?

7. Are there ways in which you wish you could be more like (friend’s name)? Why? 8. In what ways do you feel you are helpful to (friend’s name)?

9. In what ways is (friend’s name) helpful to you?

DEVELOPMENTAL ISSUES / ISSUES RELATED TO EVOLUTION OF FRIENDSHIP You and (friend’s name) have been friends for (?) years! You met when you were (?) so you’ve really gone through a lot of growing with (friend’s name).

1. Thinking back to the early years of your friendship with (friend’s name), have you noticed ways in which things have changed?

2. What things about your friendship seem to have remained the same over all of these years?

3. How have aspects of midlife, like work, marriage, and parenthood, influenced your friendship or been influenced by your friendship?

4. (Friend’s name) has known you and lived your experiences with you for (?) years!

Does her understanding of your life history influence you in any way? If so, how?

5. Why do you think your friendship has developed?

6. How have your needs transformed over the years?

Is there anything else you wished I would have asked you?

I have one final question!

260

7. Why did you choose (friend’s name) to answer these questions on?

Thank you so much for your time and for sharing your friendship with (friend’s name) with me!

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