“What I Learned From (almost) Dying” BY TOMMY AHLQUIST
I had just pulled my horse out of the trailer and was carrying a 50-pound bag of grain to the stable when it hit me. For years, I had heard patients describe the “elephant on their chest” and now, that elephant was on mine! I called my wife, Shanna, and she raced me to the ER in McCall. I remember the ECG printing out and seeing the ST elevations before the tech could even rip the sheet from the machine. It was difficult to process what was happening medically, but more importantly, what did this mean? It was during the transport in the helicopter to Boise that the reality of the situation hit me. Unlike prior feelings when I had surgery, I knew this was going to be it for me. This was not my first heart attack. Twelve months earlier, I’d experienced a significant brush with death. I’d already been given my second chance. A new year is when we look forward to a fresh start. It’s a continued opportunity to reset goals and ambitions. I’ve always loved making New Year’s resolutions. I write them down and revisit them as motivation for improvement. Writing them down in four categories helps me focus on areas of my life that sometimes get ne“...looking back, glected. Those four areas are physical no matter how health, spiritual seriously I looked well-being, family, and business. It’s ahead, I now like rewriting a realize I took my self-help book for health and life for myself each year. For 52 years, the granted.” calendar would change, goals would be reset for the future, but looking back, no matter how seriously I looked ahead, I now realize I took my health and life for granted. Sure, there was the eternal reminder to watch my weight, but the fundamental act of waking up each day in order to carry out my objectives was never even considered. From the moment the cardiologist said, “You’re a mess, you have the widow-maker in your LAD and malignant origin of your right coronary artery,” I was no longer the man I’d been an instant before. Doctor, husband, father – all the ways I defined 20
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PHOTO COURTESY TOMMY AHLQUIST
myself melted into the realization that I am merely a hopelessly mortal human being. I found myself on my knees pleading for more time. There were no thoughts of my “to-do” lists for the future, only the will to keep breathing, to wake up from this nightmare and hug my family again. I did not forget this, lying on the operating table, looking up at my best friend from medical school who was preparing to pry open my ribs and attempt to repair my heart. My first grandchild had just turned six months old. I longed for his baby-soft cheek against mine and his instant grin when I called him my Best Buddy! I desperately wanted just a little more time. Gratitude, humility, and love are powerful words, but these words connect us to feelings that are indescribable. Opening my eyes after surgery, I was filled with so much gratitude, humility, and love. Words were insignificant compared to the intensity of these feelings.I woke in awe of the miraculous, simple act of breathing. I was elated by thoughts of eating breakfast with my squabbling teenagers, a morning kiss from my wife, the sun blaring off the Payette as I rounded the next bend in the river on my horse. Most importantly, I felt peace. Simply breathing was more than enough. I do not know what surprises or sorrows are around the next bend in the river. But, I do know that it could be my last. Relationships matter most. Idle intentions are best replaced with thoughtful actions. My heart literally broke and I woke up to my mortality. Sure, sometimes I forget that life is a gift and not just a cliche on a bumper sticker. I honk my horn impatiently, eat too much pie. But, eventually, I remember to be grateful, to be patient, to be kind, to say “I love you,” and to breathe deeply. These words are now at the top of my “to-do” lists.
