Inland Solutions Magazine - October / November 2014

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MA-577-2013 Editor: Diane Hamer

Indian Restaurant And Bar

FIVE RIVERS

Calle La Iglesia, 11 Fuente de Piedra, 29520, Malaga Open 1 pm - 4 pm & 7 pm - 12 pm / Reservations Only Paul - 632 635 419


Introduction

Hola Everyone, As the saying goes "Don't judge a Book by it's cover." Check out new & old Advertisers throughout the magazine & find out what else they've got to offer. Don't be afraid to contact them and ask for advice and more information. Check out our new Directory of Advertisers: If you have a Business and want to be included in this FREE directory contact me on 659991743. Check out the new Buy & Sell section. An easy way to advertise your unwanted items. Tel: 659991743 Check out and enjoy all the articles,editorials & mind games in this edition. Thank you to Ella Durham, Inland Solutions Story writer for supplying us with Stories for the last 18 months . Wishing you further success in your continuing writing career. Check out our new Writers who have come up with a Tongue in cheek look at life in a quiet Spanish village with British ex patriots. To be continued!! Until December :-) Take care, Keep safe & Be happy!! Take care Hasta luego

Diane / Diana Tel 659991743 E-mail: info@inlandsolutions.es Website: www.inlandsolutions.es

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In this edition of Inland Solutions Magazine Page 4

Page 6

Citizens Advice Bureau Spain

Pumpkin Soup Recipe

Page 10

Page 11

What’s On Guide

Entertainments

Page 14 10 Exercises to prevent neck pain

Page 18

Page 26 Pepi’s Page

Page 36 Brainteasers

Buy & Sell

Page 24 Why Am I Not Happy?

Page 28 Story El Bar Pajarito

Page 38 Directory of Advertisers 3

In this edition of Inland Solutions Magazine

Football Legends Diego Maradona

Page 17


Citizens Advice Bureau Spain

News & Views from CAB Spain Movistar Movistar has conjured up a way to make millions from their customers. On the 01/10/2014 There is a new normativa (ruling) being put in place. You will no longer be able to listen to your recorded messages left on your answer phone without paying a charge. Each time you check to see if you have any messages you will be charged 5 cents. The only upside to this news, is that the costs cannot exceed 2 euro’s a month. The addition of IVA will push this cost up further. To date there is no charge for the answer phones on Movistar mobiles. The answer to this is to deactivate the service. You can do this on-line or through your local Movistar phone service provider.

Consumer Info – Vacuum Cleaners More Energy Efficient As Of 1.9.2014 As of the first of September 2014, by European Law, vaccuum cleaners must be more efficient re energy consumption. Maximum allowed is 1.600 Watt, and in three years time, as of 2017 this will be even lower, 900 Watt. Shops are allowed to sell out present stock of cleaners with higher voltage, but any newly acquired stock must meet this European requirement. The Dutch consumer organisation ´Consumentenbond´ executed an efficiency/ efficacy test with vacuum cleaners in July of this year and according to a spokesperson the common belief that cleaners with higher wattage perform better, is a myth.Their test showed the best results with a vacuum cleaner of only 1.200 Watt. It seems the general public in Holland, nor shop salespersons, are very aware of the new ruling, as opposed to the UK where public outrage over the new European rule has been very vocal, with headlines as ´That Sucks´ appearing in national newspapers.

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Mollina Wine Fesival 12th-14th September This year as well as the usual stalls selling local produce, crafts & gifts, you were able to dress up in Roman Kings & Queens attire infront of a mock Roman scenic mural and have your photos taken for a bit of fun too while listening to a band playing live music!!

Stories Recent Events - Mollina 5


Recipe

Pumpkin Soup Recipe This simple recipe makes deliciously creamy soup with the velvety texture of the pumpkin, fabulous for the colder weather. Serves approximately 6. Ingredients: 700g pumpkin or butternut squash, peeled, deseeded and chopped into 2.5cm cubes 25g butter 1 medium onion, peeled and finely chopped 275ml whole milk 725ml vegetable stock Salt and pepper Garnish (optional) – cream, corriander Begin by melting the butter in a large saucepan (approx 1.75 litre capacity), then add the onion and soften for about 8 minutes. After that, add the chopped pumpkin (or butternut squash) and give everything a good stir and season with salt and pepper. Put the lid on and, keeping the heat low, allow the vegetables to sweat gently and release their juices – this should take about 10 minutes. Next, pour in the milk and stock and simmer gently for about 20 minutes. Put the lid on for this but leave a little gap so that it´s not quite on, because with the presence of the milk it could boil over. Keep a close eye on it anyway. When the soup is ready, pour it into a food processor or blender and blend it to a purée, leaving a little bit of texture – it doesn´t need to be absolutely smooth. You will probably need to do this in 2 batches. Serve in warm bowls with crusty bread. Garnish if preferred with a swirl of cream and a sprig of coriander.

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Local Markets Sunday: Alameda, Casariche Monday: Archidona, Osuna Tuesday: Mollina, Antequera Weds: Alameda, Saydo Park Mollina, Camping La Vinuela, La Vinuela Thursday: Humilladero, Alameda Friday: Fuente de Piedra, Ecija, Lucena, Puente Geníl Saturday: Aguadulce Property of the Month Fuente de Piedra - 75,000 euros ID2480 - 4 beds, 2 bath Roof Terrace, Patio x2 No Community Fees

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New Market in Alameda The Market is held every Thursday morning from 9.30 am to 1.30 pm at Bar Camorillo which you can find on the road that takes you to the Quarry on the outskirts of Alameda and where you will see a "MARKET" sign at the gated entrance to the Romeria Park & Bar. The land is owned by the local Town Hall who have given permission to the Market Traders with NO PITCH FEES!! They welcome stall holders selling hand made & 2nd hand goods in good condition. If your dog is in need of a hair cut LA Dog Groomers may be able to help your Pooch out too. As well as the Tasty Tapas & Menu del Dia the Bar offers an All English Breakfast which is very popular and if that's a little bit too adventurous you can enjoy a Bacon or Sausage sandwich & a cup of English Tea. Bar Camorillo is definately worth a visit and is available to hold functions & cater for other numerous events. Some of the Stall holders at the New Market: - Arte De Saitxolle ... L.A. Dog Groomers... Detalles y Regalos Nuria ...Dairo Siachoque (Artistic Paintor)...Vestidos y Regalos Majucamayo ... Creciendo Mas.... Bargain Brands ... Pre Loved Fashion and AKcessorize. See you there!!!!

Serving: English Breakfast English Tea Menu del Dia Tapas Tel: 630 235 557 Carretera Alameda - Mollina

29530 Alameda

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Alameda, Mollina, Fuente de Piedra, Humilladero

Bar Restaurante "EL CAMORRILLO" (El Nene)


What’s On Guide

What’s On Guide THE WANDERERS. If you have a motorhome, caravan or tent and would like to join like minded people to rally far & wide, then The Wanderers might be for you. We are a group of friendly campers who aim to rally together approx 8 times a year. If the idea appeals to you, contact us for more details by sending an e-mail to campingwanderers@gmail.com

British Legion meetings take place every 2nd and 4th Tuesday of the month at Parque Las Vina, Mollina at 11am.

The friendly Club meets on the first Tuesday of every month except August at The 5 Rivers Indian Restaurant, Calle Iglesia 11, Fuente de Piedra at 11 am. We hold a Quiz, Raffle, Cake Stall, Book Exchange and have a Speaker. October 7th: Talk about Tax, the Law and Citizens Advice

Fuente Walkers walk every other week on a Friday, normally short walks that take about an hour and a half at a gentle pace, and normally dog friendly. If people would like e mails sent to them about forthcoming walks they can e mail Geoff at gandmspain@yahoo.co.uk

Monthly Wellness Clinics with a British Trained Nurse take place at Diane's Hair & Beauty Studio in Fuente de Piedra. Please book your appointments now for all regular health checks and any medical issues in private - book early as appointments are limited. Next clinics are Monday 6th October and Monday 3rd November. Tel: Sarah 657 606 373 or Diane 659 991 743

CRIB CLUB: Every Wednesday afternoon at the Five Rivers Indian Restaurant from 2pm, Meals & Refreshments available 10


Entertainments

Di Hamer

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Entertainments 11


Fuente de Piedra News

Laguna Visit To celebrate World Bird Day there will be the following activities: Reservations: http://www.reservatuvisita.es/reservas.php? id=1236&procede_multi_est=1&csd=1&diadesde=01&mesdesde=09&aniodesde=2 014&diahasta=02&meshasta=09&aniohasta=2014&idmultiest=17 Introduction to Ornithology and ringing birds Natural park: Laguna de Fuente de Piedra Starting point: Visitor Centre José Antonio Valverde Date: October 4, 2014 Duration : 4 hours * Difficulty level: Easy Attendance: Most ages, Children from 8 years upwards. Admission fee: free Objectives for this visit: The Laguna de Fuente de Piedra, is very important not only for its aquatic enclave but for the many bird species that visit the lagoon throughout the year. Estimates are that there are up to 170 different species including smaller varieties that perhaps are paid little or no attention. This is why we wish to demonstrate to the general public that this activity goes on throughout the year carried out by official bird ringers and that everyone becomes aware of how important these ringings are to help us track and improve our knowledge of the activities these birds undertake during the year. Timetable: 10.00 a.m. Reception and welcome at the Visitor Centre José Antonio Valverde, Laguna de Fuente de Piedra. Fuente de Piedra. Málaga . 10.15 a.m. Visit the Centre's 2 showrooms, explanation and audiovisual (12 minutes). 10.45 a.m. Mirador del Cerro del palo, bird watching with telescopes. 11.30 a.m. Mirador de las latas (protected zone for Mediterranean vegetation ) . Bird ringing 14.00 a.m. End of activities. Recommendations: • It is recommended that participants bring : water, food, comfortable clothing and footwear.  Activities do not include transportation to places where activities take place or to and from the visitor centre.  The visit will be postponed if there is less than the minimum number of participants and/or for inclement weather.

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Healthy Living

10 exercises for the upper spine : Programme to prevent neck pain Hello it is me again Julia Fadlallah, the German physiotherapist who lives and works in Antequera. Hope you enjoyed my article about exercises for the lower spine in the last two editions of Inland Solutions. Many people suffer from neck pain and do not know what to do to ease the pain. Neck pain can provoke limited head movement, headaches and dizziness etc.. To ease this, we take some pain killers but in general they have lots of side effects and do not solve the problem. Most back problems are due to bad postures, which are caused by lack of movement, untrained and weak muscles. You only need 15 minutes a day for exercises. If you do them regularly you strengthen your upper spine muscles and keep fit without pain. What do you need for the exercises ?  Comfortable clothes General tips and advices for the exercises :  Breathe rhythmically in and out and never hold the breath during the exercises.  Do your exercise slowly and correctly.  Do not exercise with pain. Consult a physiotherapist !  If you feel uncomfortable with one exercise ask a physiotherapist to show you. People who have never done exercises should first consult a physiotherapist.  Do the exercises in the same order from 1 to 10.  Try to find a daily routine e.g. exercise every morning.  Have fun doing your exercises ! Maybe put your favourite music on and feel good about doing something for your health. Warming up: 1. Exercise “Rotating Shoulders” Posture : Standing or sitting posture Movement : rotating both shoulders backwards / frontwards; then the same with alternate shoulders. Repetition: 5 times each 2. Exercise ” Breathing out” Posture : Standing or sitting posture Movement: Lift both shoulders up and let them fall as you breath out Repetition: 5 times

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3. Exercise “ Turtle” Posture : Standing or sitting posture Movement : Make a double chin and stretch your neck as if someone is pulling a thread fixed to your head Repetition: 5 times 4. Exercise “ Easy head movements” Posture : Standing or sitting posture with neck in “Turtle” posture Movement: 1. Look slowly to the right and to the left 2. Look slowly up and down Repetition: each direction 2 times Never move your head uncontrolled in circles, always in clear controlled movements !

Strengthening : 5. Exercise “ Strengthening in Turtle posture” Posture: Standing or sitting posture and neck in “Turtle” posture Movement : head held like a statue in the Turtle posture and hand pressed 1. against the front of the head then relax 2. against the back of the head then relax 3. against the right and then the left head side then relax Repetition: 5 times each direction

Healthy Living

6. Exercise “ Press “ Posture : Standing or sitting posture Movement: Press palms of hands together and apply pressure for 5 seconds Repetition: 5 times 15


Healthy Living

Cooling down : 7. Exercise “Shoulder -Stretch” Posture: Standing or sitting posture Movement : Clasp hands together, turn arms out and push them away from the body, first in front and then over the head looking at your hands Repetition: 2 times holding 10 seconds 8. Exercise” Trapezius- Stretch” Posture : Standing or sitting posture Movement: Place left hand on the right temple and pull towards the left shoulder letting the right arm hang loose , the opposite on the other side Repetition: 2 times holding 10 seconds 9. Exercise “ Twist” Posture : Sitting posture Movement : Cross right leg over the left ( if you cannot cross legs do the exercise without crossing legs ) and twist your body to the right side, looking as far as possible to the right, the opposite on the other side Repetition: 2 times each side 10. Exercise “ Relax” Posture : Sitting posture Movement: Sit with legs apart and lower your upper body down as far as possible, relax there for 10 seconds , then come up with a rounded spine and finally lift up your head Repetition : 2 times CONGRATULATIONS ! YOU DID IT ! Hope you have enjoyed doing something good for your neck. Keep exercising ! It is for your well-being. We may talk next time about shoulder problems ! If you have any doubts feel free to ask me! Call me at 655 219 283 or you are always welcome to come to my treatment room in Antequera. Yours Julia

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Power Caddy Electric Golf Trolley with charger. Needs new Battery, 40€ ono Tel: 659860900

Wanted Electric Sewing Machine in good working order Tel: 602193628

Brand new round under table electric heater 5€ 4 Boxes of Assorted Books 8€ Tel: 659991743

Full size pool table, with balls, cues and triangle. Needs new cloth. 150 Euro. No offers, buyer collects. Tel: 685568509

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Interesting Articles

Football Legends – Maradona Stuart Govier remembers one of finest players to have ever graced a football pitch That Diego Maradona was one of the world’s greatest players is not in doubt but he will always be remembered with acrimony by English fans. Despite all the years of tantalisingly sublime football played by the Argentinean midfield maestro we will still always hark back to “that game” when he single handedly knocked England out of the 1986 World Cup at the Quarter Final stage. He scored twice in that match in a mad five minute spell with goals that could not have been more different. The first, the infamous “hand of god” was a blatant hand ball which was not picked up by the officials despite the ball being pushed in with Maradona’s hand eight feet in the air. The second was the most amazing 60 yard dribble which started in his own half and saw the diminutive star waltz past 6 England players before slotting the ball home. Maradona was born in Lanus, Argentina in October 1960 of Italian descent and fittingly enough he went on to enjoy the most successful part of his career playing for Napoli in Serie A. It all began for him when just before his 16th birthday he made his professional debut for Argentinos Juniors. For the next four years he made his name in South American football but interest was piqued all around the globe by the little mans abilities. English club Sheffield United made an offer of £600,000 for Maradona in 1978 which was accepted, sadly for the blades they realised that they could not afford the fee and had to pull out of the deal. Even the most pessimistic of pundits would accede that they might have made a tidy profit had this deal gone ahead. I can find no evidence that Orient were poised to step in and sign Maradona despite the wishes of Matt Simpson of the West Stand O’s. After scoring 115 goals in his 167 games for Argentinos he moved to Boca Juniors for £1m in 1981. A starring role in the 1982 World Cup brought him to the attention of the world’s best clubs and he moved to Barcelona for a record transfer fee straight away. Two troublesome years in Spain in which he fell out with the clubs hierarchy several times culminated in Maradona requesting a move. In 1984 he signed for Napoli in what was another world record fee of £6.9m. 18


It was in Italy that Maradona enjoyed his football the most. Despite controversy never being far away from the troubled footballer the fans loved and adored him and he repaid that love with performances on the pitch. Unfortunately his off field activities, ostensibly cocaine use, led to Napoli fining him repeatedly and after 8 years with the club he left unceremoniously after serving a 15 month ban for using drugs. Although he tried to continue his career with both Sevilla and back once more with Boca Juniors he never hit the heights again as his personal life dominated his footballing one.

Interesting Articles

As a player he will be remembered as someone who was able to take a game by the scruff of the neck and change it all on his own. His ball skills and dribbling were the finest of his generation and his eye for goal was up there amongst the finest to have played the game. Although short in stature at just five feet five inches tall he was immensely powerful and able to hold off challenges whilst playing as if with the ball glued to the end of his boot. It remains such a shame that such a great footballing talent could waste that ability by abusing both his own body and the lives of others through his actions. I guess it won’t be the last time a talented footballer does this but for those of us without that ability it seems a weird course to take in life. 19


Calling All Areas

Not Only Football... by Daniela Migliavacca (Cajamar Manager Fuente de Piedra) In Spain almost everything is about football and of course, for men. However, in this area there is a women's basketball team playing in Sevilla Basketball League. The team is called El Rubio, but there are players who come from all around the area: Antequera, Mollina, Pedrera, Estepa, Osuna and obviously El Rubio. All these girls make a great effort to participate in the league. Most of them are university students, with no income and they pay the league themselves, apart from the federation subscription that EL Rubio town council give to associate it with the team. It is a great group: a student of medicine, a biologist, an I.T. engineer, a bank manager (that’s me!), a teacher and so on, lead by two very patient coaches with no salary or petrol money paid for their time. Curro and Jordan . The passion for basketball is greater than every obstacle; every week, training and travelling we obtain life experience and keep fit, no matter what the score is in the game itself, though this year we have prepared a stronger team to reach a better place in the ranking. It is our second year, nobody believed we'd still be here with all the difficulties we had last year. The league is starting in November and we invite companies and individuals who want to help or sponsor the team to contact us. We are on Facebook and twitter (@CBFemRubio) and everybody can follow us. Brave Inland Girls playing against very organized posh clubs from the Andalucian capital of Sevilla. We are named the “wasps” for the colours of our team strip and because we may sting!!! We need supporters and some patronage. I hope to update you with more news of our progress in later editions of this magazine.

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Free Consultations & Advice Peluqueria Diana / Diane's Unisex Hair & Beauty Studio C/La Iglesia 15, Fuente de Piedra Tel: 659991743 dihamer@rocketmail.com Facebook: Diane's Hair & Beauty Studio

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Tech Corner

Tech Corner - with Inland Computer Services News - Windows 9 scheduled for 2015

Let’s go through the sequence (ignoring the very old versions...) Windows XP - Excellent, Windows Vista - Not so good, Windows 7 Good, Windows 8 - Not so good (Windows 8.1 - actually good, better than Windows 7 in fact, but not widely realised due to the bad press given to Windows 8) and on the horizon, Windows 9, which, going by the sequence, should in theory, be fantastic. With Windows8, Microsoft believed that the future would consist of the majority of devices being touchscreen driven, however, they seemed to forget about the millions of desktop and laptop users in the world who do not have this capability, nor a great deal of interest in playing with apps, rather than the critical functionality for day to day usage and working. A change of management and direction has brought Microsoft back down to Earth and if the rumours are true, Windows9 will ditch many of the unnecessary faff of its predecessor and focus on the desktop/laptop user, which could well include a return of a proper start menu. Microsoft held a Windows 9 Technical Event in San Francisco on 30th September, with technical previews of the operating system rumoured to be available for download and testing in October. Full and final release is expected for 2015. We will bring you further news as we have it.

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Calling All Areas

Calle El Progreso, 12b Bajo Mollina (Mรกlaga) Tlf - 954323284 www.inlandcomputerservices.com


Interesting Articles

Why Am I Not Happy? By Bren Hoskin We all looked on with sorrow at the suicide of much loved actor Robin Williams. But it left us with one big question. Why? A man who had a loving family, a successful career, he was funny and certainly had no money worries. What he also had was clinical depression. He had suffered with mental health problems for many years, as do an estimated 1 in 4 of us in the UK. We all moved to Spain for a better life, a happier more relaxed way of life, unfortunately and all too often our problems come with us. The Greek doctor Hippocrates first identified the condition of depression over 2400 years ago. He called it ‘Melancholia”. Just as in the case of Robin Williams, depression can affect anyone, at any time. It has no respect for status or age or sex, although more women are prepared to report being depressed and seek treatment. Winston Churchill suffered severely from depression and he named it his: “Black Dog”. The term depression, just like the terms stress and migraine, are often over used and much maligned. Being depressed is not just about having a bad day and being down in the dumps, although this is one of the symptoms of depression. Life can seem empty; you will probably have an increase in negative thoughts and emotions, especially anger and anxiety. It also has an effect on motivation: “why bother” often pops unsolicited into mind. With a huge loss of energy and decreased motivation we find we can’t be bothered to do even small tasks and we lose interest in our partners, and children and distance ourselves from friends, sometimes even hiding from answering the phone. We also lose interest in ourselves, unable to concentrate, sleep is often a problem, either too little or too much, but waking unrefreshed. Good memories are also lost, whilst bad memories remain often causing guilt, shame, envy, jealousy and recriminations.

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People who are depressed often see themselves as worthless, a failure, unable to do anything right. These thoughts in turn attack your self-confidence and self-esteem. Depression may also result in physical illness such as back pain, headache, muscle and joint aches, chest pains, digestive / gastrointestinal problems, fatigue, damage to teeth and aching jaw, nausea and breathing difficulties, this is a non-exhaustive list. Clearly some depressions are deeper and more serious than others. Some people may come out of depression in a matter of weeks, for others it can be years. Chronic depression usually lasts longer than 2 years. Some people may have just one episode of depression whilst others may have many. On average 50% of people who have had depression will have a recurrence. Someone who has never been depressed may tell you to “pull yourself together”. Take heart. What it usually means is that they don’t understand how you feel and don’t know what to do to help you or make you feel better. There are a number of ways to treat depression, which is also known as uni-polar. If it is a chemical in-balance, in serious cases and almost always in the case of bi-polar, which used to be called manic-depression, as it has episodes of depression followed by episodes of mania, then re-balancing with medication is imperative. In the milder forms of depression, then Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is also extremely useful. CBT is not just counseling or a talking therapy; it includes both these aspects but also requires the person to undertake tasks to challenge their thoughts, feeling, behaviours and actions. If you would like to know more about depression or if you are not happy and would like some support using CBT or other talking therapies then call Bren Hosking 655 743 865 or email bren@innersolutions.eu. Based in the Iznajar area, fees are usually €50 per session, first session is €35 if you mention this article.

Interesting Articles 25


Pepi’s Page

This little chap was brought to the refuge after being found wandering in the campo, very thirsty and hungry and covered in dust. We estimate him to be around 4/5 months old, We would be looking for an experienced dog owner to adopt him. He is a great little guy with a sense of humour, playful happy and very obedient for one so young. If you would like to find out more about this little guy, then please contact Alan or Jane on 666 244 869. Pepi's Refuge Calle Hormigo, Las Ravueltas, Pedrera, 41566 Tel: 953 120 574 26


lameda, Mollina, Fuente de Piedra, Humilladero

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Stories

El Bar Pajarito By Cheryle & Stephen Linturn Not too far from the Costa Blanca coastline, an odd assortment of English ex-pats begin their daily ritual of arriving at ‘El Bar Pajarito’ in the Alicante village of the same name. It’s just after mid-day and the ‘Ingleses Locos Perros’ (English Mad Dogs) as they are referred to by the Spanish natives, are as usual forgoing siestas for cold beers, numerous ‘Piña Pajaritos’ (a ‘speciality’ Piña Colada equivalent of the establishment) and fruit-filled Sangrias by the bucket load. Inside the terracotta tiled, white brick bar, owner and ‘host extraordinaire’ retired English copper George Sanders acknowledges ‘early bird’ Jim Jenkins as he bursts through the swinging saloon style doors. “Aft’ noon Jimbo… what’ll it be then? The usual?” “Go on then Georgie boy… it’s a hottun today.” “Yep –the missus is making plans to fry ‘erself to a crisp –someone’s gonna mistake her for an Indian one a these days. If she gets much darker there’s a good chance I won’t see ‘er down in the cellar when I’m changing me barrels and I’ll lock ‘er in.” “Chance would be a fine thing…” Jim mutters evilly under his breath. They’re interrupted by the arrival of Colin Blenkinsop, his wife Naomi, Ruby Smith and Phil Martin. The‘friends’ make their way to a card table at the back of the bar with windows overlooking the village plaza and many Spanish frequented bars which adorn its streets. Colin -dubbed ‘the most boring Brit on the Costa Blanca’by his fellow bar-mates approaches the bar, speaking with an effected upper-class accent. “Buenos dias a mia host! Naomi and I have been looking forward ‘enormously’ to our Saturday Bridge game. Why just last night…” Before he can continue droning on, Jim quick-wittedly interrupts. “Oh, look what the cat’s about to drag in. Down the road and heading this way it’s Ricky boy with Charlie Henderson. George, it looks like we might have enough folks for the old “arrows and balls” compo, after all. Cheers!” Hedowns his pint of ‘Old Bugger’ imported real ale -in one, slamming the jug down jubilantly on the marble bar. Fill ‘er up again Georgie boy! Darts and snooker all in one day will be thirsty work for sure.” Colin, slightly irate at having been cut off mid-drivel, sulks back to join his trophy wife Naomi and his ‘socially inferior’ bridge opponents Ruby and Phil. The two of them are ready to play after fetching two very large ‘Piña Pajaritos’ laced with additional tequila to get them through the arduous ordeal of the next few hours listening to the bland Blenkinsops.

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Ruby shuffles expertly –a former croupier from a casino in Sheffield. Her ex-husband, Ron was a former punter himself, only he gambled too much by taking the Casino’s monthly earnings from its safe, before absconding to Spain with Ruby, only to leave her one night with their villa and not much else, when he fell for the certain charms of a senorita from Benidorm -who turned out to be a chalet maid from Butlins at Bognor Regis. Phil, Ruby’s new partner is a savvy self-employed builder and more intelligent than his brawny looks might indicate. The bar doors burst open and Ricky Robinson and Charlie Henderson finally enter looking remarkably likeTweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee with sunburnt, balding heads partially covered by baseball caps and matching beer-bellies which give them the appearance of Weebles ‘the toys that wobble but won’t fall down,’ unfortunately, once they’ve partaken of a few pints of ‘Old Bugger’ the pair do fall down, very frequently. “Oy! Oy! What’s the score then Georgie boy?” The two cry out in unison before parking their considerable behinds on small bar stools which creak in protest under their weight. “Is the snooker tourney on or what? We’re up for it. Even brought our own cues today… look!" They proudlyreveal their weapons of choice. “We’re just waiting on Ernie, Bob and Mac, then we can start. Oh and don’t forget its snooker and dartstoo, so I hope you’ve brought yer arrows,” said Georgie As if on cue, (groan) the fore-mentioned contenders arrive looking ready for business. The trio, wearing incredibly gaudy Hawaiian shirts, light Chinos and the unforgivable fashion faux-pas of socks andsandals, approach the bar determinedly closely followed by Father Eric, the local vicar, who has just finished his last mass of the day. He considers it his duty to give ‘absolution to the fallen flock of British sinners by drinking the equivalent of two bottles of communion wine each afternoon. He removes his suffocating dog-collar ashe puffs away on a Marlboro which he chain-smokes. Luckily George has them in constant supply -courtesy ofa contact in H.M. Customs and Excise and to the annoyance of everyone in attendance. “Afternoon George. Two pints of ‘Old Bugger’ for us two old buggers and Mackie lad here will have his usual Scotch on the rocks -hold the ice,” Ernie chuckles at his own supposed wit. George pours Mac a neat Scotch and he downs it in one, before passing a bottle of red wine to the newly-liberated vicar. “Aye… noo bad, noo bad at all Georgie me lad” Mac declares smacking his lips before indicating he needs a refill. George looks questioningly across the bar at Ernie. Ernie sighs resignedly before saying “Go on then! Put them on my tab.” Mac -in typical Scottish style is not renowned for buying drinks for anyone till he reaches the point of ‘no return’, and that usually comes quite readily.

Stories 29


Stories

“It’s going to be a belter of an afternoon, I can see that.” Ernie smiles expectantly and raises his eyebrows. He turns to face all the gang. “Gentlemen…shall we begin? George, you have the playing order? Now then –first up on the table is Jim and Mac, while myself and Bob here will take on the belly brothers –oh I’m sorry! Did I say that out loud? I mean Ricky and Charlie of course!” Loud laughter fills the bar –even Ricky and Charlie smile before slapping Ernie on the back so hard he spits his cheap ale all over the Vicar putting out his fag. “That’s it pretty boy Ernest, you laugh now, but by the time we’ve finished you off with some stunning double tops to finish, -your sorry ex-Surrey public-school face will be as pink as our heads." Charlie declares, as he pulls out a fine looking set of championship weight darts from a worn leather case. The vicar is wiping his face and trying to relight a fag at the same time when Charlie continues “Closest to the bull starts…Father Eric will you score please?” His first dart hits the bullseye. Father Eric reaches for the chalk, lighting the wig of Simone, the female Hitler of the ladies auxiliary group. Because the group is only occupied with aiding each other with gossip and nothing more, they all sit there chatting about the fact that Simone is wearing a wig, while her hair smoulders. The vicar decides to prevent her from going up in flames by pouring a dribble of his wine on the hot ashes, causing panic among the ladies. The quick thinking and quick tempered Adela dumps her recently filled glass of water on Simone’s unfortunate wig. The group of ladies shudder, as Simone turns and grabs Adela by her arm; Adela retaliates by pulling offher horribly fitted wig and slings it across the room and it soon becomes a nicely fitted hairpiece for Ricky who was about to shoot, causing the cue ball to hit the floor and jump to the next snooker table that Jim was just racking. Mac -now already on his fifth Scotch, takes the first shot and misses, while the arriving cue ball hits all of the red balls causing them to fall into each hole, respectively. Again, the door bursts open and a loud jeer goes up as the other half of ‘El Bar Pajarito’ finally arrives, carrying a large box from the local ‘Super Mercado’ almost half as tall as her. It's George’s wife, Marjory –her skin as brown as a berry and as shrivelled as a prune. She quickly makes her way behind the bar dodging cue sticks being broken over the tables as Mac, barely able to stand has now taken residence on top of a snooker table demanding the respect of his fellow players the winner and new snooker champion of ‘El Bar Pajarito’. Marjory pushes her huge sunglasses onto her head. Her eyes look strangely like a panda’s as she beckons covertly to her husband. He approaches her, making sure no-one notices. Marjory whispers, “I couldn’t get any proper rum, George, they’re out but I got Bacardi –that’ll do and I picked up a dozen bottles of that really cheap plonk as well for ‘his holiness’ and the sangrias. This lot’ll never know the difference anyway.”She indicates over the bar at the mad house. George nods approvingly. “George, why is Simone’s hair flattened to her head? She resembles me old mum right before she croaked, hey.”

30


The group of women, all in their late fifties and sixties have turned their caddie remarks to the snooker battle, as each seems determined to talk and drink more fruit-filled alcohol than their counter-parts. The subject of their conversation turns to men’s bums and bums that are men –in particular they focus their attention on the two ‘bums’ bent over the snooker table. The volume level of the bar increases by well over sixty percent! The afternoon continues in a raucous fashion. Mac won by default, only because he started buying rounds for the group, which made them all concede and by early evening he was sleeping like a baby on the snooker table while still holding onto his miracle cue stick. The Weebles got some sort of revenge by sticking the darts right where they belonged to annihilate Ernie and Bob at darts and turning the tables (metaphorically speaking). Meanwhile at the card table, Ruby and Phil have endured two long gruelling hours with the Blenkinsops who were gabbing so much that their expressions took on a look of, ‘hello?’ when they find no coins left for another round of cheap wine; so Ruby being a soft hearted and shrewd woman, bought them around with their own coins. Having congenially suggested a pot of E10 for each round, card sharks Ruby and Phil are quids in. Eventually, chaos ensues when one too many ‘el vino absolutions’ causes Father Eric to completely cock up the scoring of a dart game between Bob and Ernie resulting in argy-bargy. Ernie is now so drunk, one has to question the prudence of letting him throw anything more dangerous than a paddy, let alone a sharply pointed dart. This particular point of contention seems vindicated when one of Ernie’s poorer efforts ends up in the left buttock of glamorous Gladys as she swayed back & forth from ‘The Ladies’ through the hazy smoke caused by Father Eric’s endless cigarettes. Before he knows what’s hit him, Ernie is clouted violently by a heavy swinging handbag, which knocks him out cold while Gladys swears like a trooper and carefully removes the offending arrow before shouting, “Bloody hell I’ve been shot.” George just keeps smiling congenially as more and more of the cheap plonk and substituted Bacardi is drunk and paid for at prices which no self-respecting Spaniard would ever consider. The jukebox comes alive, seeming to play Agadooand The Birdy Song in a never-ending and quite maddening loop as the drunken Brits party and the vicar tries to dance while blowing smoke, wearing an unfortunate wig that ended up on top of his unsuspecting head after Ricky decided he looked horrible in a hairpiece! Eventually at the women’s tables, their hen-like clucking and vocal voting based on “marks out of ten” for each bum deemed worthy of their attention, quietens as more and more of their group fall into drunken sangria-fuelled stupors and slip half way under the tables as the warm Spanish sun starts to hide in embarrassment from another day at the ‘El Bar Pajarito. Across the street at La Cucaracha, locals Felipe and José eye the drunken revelry with constant amazement. Felipe frowns, “ How is it possible for los Ingleses to drink so much and may the Saints preserve him…our dear el Padre Simon?”

31

Stories

After they bless the sinners of the day, they go back to their cigarillos and coffee sipping rather slowly.


Fuente de Piedra News

Fuente De Piedra Opens New Artificial Football Pitch Last month saw Fuente de Piedra open its new artificial football ground. In attendance were the town's Mayor, Paco Hidalgo, José Luis Ruiz Espejo, a delegate from the Junta de Andalucia, Francisco Oblaré, Vice President of the Provincial Council of Malaga, Sports Councillor Manuel Carrión and various other councillors representing the Town Hall. The Mayor thanked those present for attending, including both the delegates from the Junta de Andalucía and Malaga Council and all the locals who were at the event. Paco Hidalgo said it was a very important day for him and for all members of the Fuente Piedra council, fulfilling a commitment they had made with the town to build an artificial football pitch; also that the day would mark the start for all villagers to practice their sporting activities on the best surface available. Similarly, he also praised the work that had been undertaken by the local construction companies Construcciones Villafontenses, Construcciones & Contratas Fuente Piedra y Noalsur and for the local employment it generated. According to the schedule drawn up by the Sports Advisory the project consisted of two separate projects; the lighting system installed by the local company Noalsur amounting to €65,461 and the other, included in a Special Plan to boost the Economy for 2013 using local tradesman set up by Malaga Provincial Council, was shared between Construcciones Villafontenses Construcciones & Contratas Fuente Piedra, amounting to € 333,960. The funds came from the 2012 Plan Provincial for Works and Services and from Malaga Council, € 257,516.56 (77.11 %) with Fuente de Piedra council putting up € 76,443.44 ( 22.89% ). At the end of the speeches those present listened to the Andalucian and Spanish anthems, and the Mayor, accompanied by young Paco Raul Hidalgo Narbonne officially opened the pitch with a ceremonial kick off. Afterwards several matches took place for different categories and ages and the construction companies offered drinks to the spectators.

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Puente Genil

Upcoming Events in Puente Genil October 4, XX Copla Night, IES Manuel Reina Meeting Hall. October 11, Canoeing. Crossing La Herradura – Nerja. October 11-12, III Paella “La Mananta Pontana” Contest. October 13, Special proession of our Father Jesús Nazareno in Puente Genil. October 18, HIKING La Loma de Abuchite October 26, QUINCE TASTING

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Brainteasers 37


The Directory

Directory of Advertisers Alameda

Fuente de Piedra

Restaurants: El Camorrillo, Carretera Alameda-Mollina Tel: 630 235 557

Banks: Cajamar,C/ Juan Carlos Santander, C/ Juan Carlos

Antequera: Restaurants: Molino Blanco, Carretera del Torcal, Antequera Tel: 952 111 276 605 721 692

Restaurants: Five Rivers Indian Restaurant, C/ Pepin Acunas Tel: 632 635 419

Cafeteria Amapola, Centro Comercial, La Veronica Tel: Rafael 685 679 586

Bar Cafeteria Miguel: Avenida Andalucia 66 Tel: 692 156 604

Music Clubs: Cambaya Club, Industrial Estate, Antequera Tel: 674 045 176

Horno Anteqeura, Cateteria / Bakery La Laguna, C/ Campillos 22 Tel:658 919 446

Hotels: La Magdalena, Hotel Golf & Spa Antequera Tel: 902 541 540 Physiotherapy: Julia Fadlallah Treatment Room & House Visit C/Paco de Antequera 24, Tel: 655 219 283 Swimming Pools: Quality Pools, All Services Undertaken see back page Tel: 952 701 604 Rent a Car: Rentikar Urb La Quinta, C/ Manuel de Aguilar, Antequera Tel: 952 843 243 Curtains & Blinds: Tapicerias y Toldos Sierras, SL, C/Nuevo 17-21 Bajo, Antequera Tel: 952 842 588 Opticians & Ophthalmology: Dr Galindo, C/Lucena 29 1st floor, Tel: 952 700 637

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Bar Cafeteria Panyma, Calle Pepin Acunas Entertainment: DJ Mexican John, Tel: 616 425 407 Di Hamer, Singer & Speaker, Tel: 659 991 743 Butcher's Lola's Butchers/ Carneceria Lola, Avenida Andalucia, Tel: 952 736 047 Dry Cleaning Services: C/ Campillos 38 Tel: 661 415 227 Hardware: Piensos, Calle Ceramica, Hotels: Aire Casa Rural, Retimar Tel: 952 735 138 Kennels: Ana's Residencia Canina Tel: 622 312 165


Kitchens: Rossillo Kitchens & Home Accessories, Avenida Andalucia 34 Tel: 952 736 269 Hairdresser's: Peluqueria Diana, Calle La Iglesia 15, Tel: 659 991 743 Home Improvements: MFT, www.mft-homeimprovementspecialist.com Tel: 665 836 901 2nd Hand Tyres: Punta Palma , Part Worn Tyres Tel: 638 181 036 Caring Services: Crossroads Care ES, Wellness Clinic, Tel: 657 606 373 Estate Agents BPA, Calle Juan Carlos, Tel: 952 735 046 / 696 016 613 Travel Agent & Insurance: Fergoviajes, Plaza de la Constitucion 26 Tel: 952 735 339 Roast Chicken to Take Away, Lorefran, C/ Campillos, 40, Tel: 695 924 397 Mollina Artists Dairo Siachoque email: nurbartolome@hotmail.com Cafe / Bar: Trafford Arms, C/ Carreteros 44 Tel: 689 651 528

Village Store Supermarket: Paseo de las Acacias 2 Tel: 952 741 084

Tattoos: Ink Art Tattoo, C/ Real 6, 665

Tel: 680 608

Kennels: Jade's K9 , Mollina Tel: 617 719 512 Ferreteria Construction Material / Transalmedo, Poligono Ind La Fuente Tel: 616 489 154 Health Food Shop Neofarma, Nutritional & Herbal Spplements Tel: 952 740 205 Humilladero Tony's Pool & Gardening Services Tel: 680 323 649 / 952 737 643 Puente Genil: Restaurants: La Ribera del Genil, Ctra Estepa Guadix Tel: 957 600 210 Mechanic: English Mobile Mechanic Tel:633 299 373 Iznajar Bren Hosking : Inner Solutions, Mind, Balance & Wellbeing Specialist Tel: 655 743 865 U K : 07912 757 684 Fuengirola GES INsurance: C/ victoria 10, Fuengirola Tel: 649 924 725 Damp Proofing Southern Spain Damp Proofing: Tel: 625 702 772 El Saucejo Viletras Design, C/ Majadahonda 13 Tel: 605 735 013 Vivis Homemade Bakery C/ Majadahonda 13 Tel: 666 297 286

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The Directory

Funeral Plans: Iberian Funeral Plan: Tel: 952 491 788 / 625 410 735

Inland Computer Services, Calle El Progreso, 12b bajo, Mollina Tel: 954 323 284


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