The ICCM Journal | Spring 2021 | V89 No. 1
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helping children through bereavement Clare Shaw discusses the process of writing children's books that address the effects of bereavement When it comes to bereavement, children can often end up overlooked. Adults avoid the subject so as not to upset them, but this really doesn’t need to be the case. They have a higher level of understanding that we may give them credit for. Once children get to between 5 and 8 years old, they understand that death is irreversible. Children learn from those around them so will model their behaviour on ours; if adults ignore the subject, so will they. A very good reason to set a good example. There is widespread evidence to show that when a child does not grieve for a loss in childhood, it can cause them problems all through life, many getting into trouble as a result. Two interesting, and quite startling statistics; a quarter of young people below the age of 20 who commit suicide have had experience of loss as a child. Also, 41% of youth offenders have lost someone close to them. These figures are staggering and could be reduced significantly with the right help at the right time. Three things that can be done to ensure a child learns to grieve as they should: Allow them to express their emotions. They need to feel comfortable enough to do this, although their emotions may come out in a variety of ways. Depending on their age and the situation, they may show a lot of anger. Allowing them a safe space to let this out is vital. Reassurance is key. Use the correct language. To tell a child that someone they love “went to sleep” could be very damaging. As could saying that they have “lost” someone. They could have terrible trouble sleeping in fear that they might not wake up or spend all their waking hours looking for the person who is lost. Telling them that somebody has died and explaining what this means will be so much better for the child in the long run. Be honest. Not only about what has happened but about your own feelings too. As I touched on at the beginning, children will look to those around them as to how to deal with death. Adults have a natural tendency to hide their grief so as not to upset any children in the family. The children then believe that the way to deal with death is to bottle everything up and not show any emotion. If they have questions (and they will) answer them as honestly as you can. Even if the question makes you feel a little uncomfortable; remember they are asking from a place of pure innocence.
On any normal day in the UK an average of 112 children are bereaved of a parent. Goodness knows how many lose siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents and close family friends in addition to this. Worryingly, the past twelve months have been anything but normal, there will be so many children who have experienced an unexpected bereavement without having their usual, extended support network around them. In 2017, I published Love Will Never Die, a book to help children through bereavement. It is a unique resource offering both ideas on how the child can deal with their emotions, alongside areas where the child can write and draw their own feelings. It even houses a small packet of tissues to reassure the child that it is ok to cry! Many people have commented that it has helped the whole family open up and talk about their grief. Funeral directors and celebrants around the UK have been using this, either by signposting people to my website or by handing it out to families in their care, for some time now. The feedback has been phenomenal. Particularly on the odd occasion I have been lucky enough to meet a child who has used the book. It is heart-warming the difference it can make to a child in such a terrible situation. Having contact with families limited so much during Covid, it’s not always immediately obvious that a child could be connected to the deceased in your care. I believe that with every death comes the possibility that this could be so, it’s always best to ask. Offering something so simple could end up being so valuable to every family in grief, even retrospectively. I have published several children’s books all written from a child’s perspective. They have pages of activities and areas where the child can express themselves freely, making them truly personal journals that the child can keep forever. All the techniques used within the books came from school ELSAs (Emotional Literacy Support Assistants), teachers and Educational Psychologists, and are tried and tested methods. Often referred to as a ‘mental health crisis’, the issue of a rising number of children in need of support is frequently seen in the UK media. A 2017 NHS study revealed that at least 1 in 8 children in the UK have a diagnosable mental health condition. There are many more without diagnoses but who feel worried or sad a lot of the time or suffer low
