Delicious Inspired Ineptitude
BY JOHN HAGAN
FOR THE PAST FEW WEEKS OUR LIVES HAVE BEEN ENGULFED BY THE WORLD’S BIGGEST SPORTING EVENT - THE TOKYO OLYMPIC GAMES.
WORST EVER TEAM?
Thousands of participants from (nearly) every country under the sun congregated in Tokyo to strut their stuff. Millions of us sat transfixed and mesmerised in front of TV screens watching a bunch of finely trained human specimens strive for the ultimate victory and universal acclaim.
Unfortunately things did not improve in the pistol event. The Tunisians were ordered off the range when their rather erratic ‘marksmanship’ was said to have endangered the judges. Alas, still no luck in the swimming one participant nearly drowned, while another took twice as long as the winner to complete the course.
But who says only the medal winners deserve our attention and approbation? Some of those who don’t get on the podium may be worthy of acknowledgment for their inspired fallibility, misplaced fortitude, bravado, deviousness, and perhaps even a smidgen of the real Olympic spirit. Amid the hype and hysteria of ‘citius, altius, fortius’, lurks the bizarre, the inept, and the downright funny.
72 | THE IRISH SCENE
Unable to display the customary skills required to be competitive in each of the event’s five disciplines (equestrian, fencing, shooting, swimming, cross country), the 1960 Rome Olympics was not a happy hunting ground for the Tunisian Pentathlon Team. It all began badly for the North Africans when the entire team fell off their horses in the opening equestrian event (someone unkindly suggested they had practiced on camels). This disaster however, heralded a groundbreaking Olympic statistic, since it was the first time a team had scored zero points in the equestrian section.
Their ineptness continued in the fencing. As only one of the team possessed even rudimentary fencing skills, he was sent out to impersonate colleagues and compete in each of the three contests. Despite him wearing the mandatory face protection, the delicate ruse was uncovered and the miscreant disqualified. However, in the final event, the cross country run, the team performed strongly (relatively speaking) with the members all finishing - albeit at the rear of the field. And so, blessedly the pentathlon came to an end with the Tunisians trailing the winners by a spectacular 9000 points to record the lowest ever score for the event.
DELAYED ARRIVAL The honour of taking the longest time to complete an Olympic marathon must go to Japan’s Shizo Kanakuri, who took nearly 55 years (actually 54 years, 8 months, 6 days, 8 hours, 32 minutes and 20.379 seconds) to finish the course. That’s an average speed of about 0.75km per year over
