/// my future is a black hole
everything is dark. i am scared of the dark, and have been since i was very young. i used to turn off the light in the kitchen and run upstairs as quickly as i could. i don’t know what i was scared of. i don’t know what i’m scared of, but vey little has changed.
once on an easter eve i was scared the easter bunny would get me, so i tucked all my stuffed animals into towel beds around me and slept with them guarding me. i felt bad that i didn’t do it every day, like i was giving them special treatment this one time to protect me because i misunderstood who the easter bunny was and what the easter bunny stood for
whenever i think about the future i shut down. i’m not even sad, just numb, and i’ve been both before, and i don’t know which is worse. i don’t fear sadness or reliving things that are sad. i don’t relive things that are sad, though
HERE LIE SQUIDWARD’S
HOPES AND DREAMS
when are you really over something? is it when you don’t think about it anymore? i think about bad memories that i remember well but i haven’t touched on them in a long time. i still feel bad when i think about them though, and i still feel sad, does that mean i’m not over it? it’s like getting over a person. but i don’t think i’ve ever done that and i don’t know if i ever will
Look. I guess I know I have to do things eventually and honestly I haven’t even hit the part of my life where I don’t have plans yet and I won’t for a while, but I’m kind of deliberately not planning anything and also waiting for nothing to happen and then it’ll wash over me and maybe I can breathe out and fucking feel something again
i’ve had metaphorical bags under my eyes since i was like 12
i wake up energised especially if i use that app that checks how i’m sleeping and i wake up good and then i feel tired the second i get to work and like what are you supposed to do with that information like am i just allergic to jobs am i broken now is this completely irredeemable and i should just like write myself off
I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET BETTER!!!!! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET BETTER!!!!! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET BETTER!!!!! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET BETTER!!!!! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET BETTER!!!!! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET BETTER!!!!! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET BETTER!!!!! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET BETTER!!!!! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET BETTER!!!!! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET BETTER!!!!! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET BETTER!!!!! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET BETTER!!!!! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET BETTER!!!!! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET BETTER!!!!! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET BETTER!!!!! VI DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET
I NEVER HAVE!