GRAND Vol VI, Ed I

Thou Shalt!

Igrew up with a lot of shibboleths and thou shalt nots. Thou shalt not make a mess, thou shalt not make a peep, thou shalt not reach for another cookie, thou shalt not say “love” when talking about food, thou shalt not question the conventional wisdom or upset the status quo.

My husband and I wrote anarchist songs, Brown Bag Blues, and toured a show called Jabber Disease. We brought on “Thou shalt!” in poem and song, paeans to seven beautiful virtues.

Pride is a goodie. Watch any kitty when she catches herself in the mirror,

Thou shalt not was a tune with infinite variations. In church, where we were washed in the blood of the lamb, which turned out to be propaganda, they preached the Seven Deadly Sins and my life ambition turned out to be turning sin into mindful practice.

They say suppression invites subversion. I fancied myself a subversive and got arrested a few times. Call me arrested mother, grandmother and great grandmother. I’m still getting busted.

a window. Yikes. Is that me or a more formidable she? Babies smile in the mirror and that is before they hear they are too smart or not smart enough, too ugly or too beautiful. I love you, we say. Keep smiling. Draw yourself over and over. Paint yourself proud. Colour your world.  Greed is gathering. We make picture after picture of images we love. We gather friends when we play in the park near our house, say “Hello friend!” to every new face. We gather berries to cook and

shells to paint. We gather music. Every last thing makes a sound and we listen, greedy for birdsong and, ocean wailing, footsteps drumming sidewalks, all notes for our scores. Soundwalks are great. Is this greed? If so, bring it on.

Wrath is war on bullies. Whoever said righteous indignation is bad? When is a wrong not a wrong? Get mad at the window that smacked the sparrow. Get mad at the thug smacking a smaller kid. There are bad guys and good guys. Fairy tales tell us that, and kids need to know how to deal with oppression. Read the stories that tell us to love ourselves, be bigger, set an example. Get mad and use our words. Rage at the bad stories on TV and man and woman up for warriordom. Fight for clean air and clean water, for peace.

Lust is hunger for knowledge. Aren’t we hungry all the time, for truth and beauty. Lust drives us to smell the flowers, collect leaves, read books, climb trees so we can see forever. Some kids like small collections that fit in their pockets. Sometimes we go for walks and gather.

What is this pebble, this egg, this caterpillar (be gentle) this moss, this bug? Every last thing has a story, a life. We gather people too. Safe strangers are fun. Sometimes they tell you their stories and sometimes it’s fun to guess.

Envy is admiration. We listen to music and copy the sounds. We look at art and aspire to paint. We dance to the rhythms in poetry. We envy the sunset for its’ beautiful regret and sunrise for its’ promise. We want to be the light. That is the meaning of genius, joining the envious “I” to the “Us” so we are one, all moving parts in the great circle of life. Look at this, look at that, we say. Choose the best parts, the ones that fit with our mandate to be the best us.

Gluttony. Do cookies ever taste as good as batter? We take, then bake, our bellies filled before we load the oven: bread dough, whole bowls of berries, spoonfuls of honey. Food is for pleasure and for life. Who said we shouldn’t love it? Be greedy, little ones, and take enough to share, all our fingers in the same pie, because everyone deserves a taste. We

decorate brown paper bags, ride the bus downtown and give happy lunches, all our pleasures combined in one joyful afternoon.

And most important of all is sloth, the pure joy of rest, doing nothing but breathe and dream. First, we find a soft bed of grass or moss, clover if we’re lucky, then we lie down to experience the luxury of rainbows or starry nights. We look up and watch the shapes of our ancestors playing hide and go seek with future kids through clouds as fleecy as the sheep we count on our way to sleep.

Of all the deadly sins, sloth is the most pleasant because S is for satiation when we fill ourselves with sunshine and story.

Sin away kids. Thou shalt! We’re a big club. Everyone welcome. Grammalinda’s got your back.

Linda Rogers is a poet, novelist, essayist, journalist, editor and songwriter.

10 Baby Shower Gifts for Grandparents-to-Be

Ihave just had the immense pleasure of meeting my first grandchild! He is such a delicious little blob of goo. So soft and warm. I have always loved babies and am happy to cuddle any baby at all. But my own son’s baby feels very special indeed.

My daughter-in-law, Chloë, and my son, Simon, who live in Ontario, were very conscientious in curating a wishlist for their baby shower. So I thought I would share some of those items the new parents liked the best and found the most useful. And I have added some of my favourites, too.

1. Swift Playard by MaxiCosi

Chloë absolutely loves this. She says it’s super clutch to have a shallow bas-

sinet where the baby can sleep in the living room, and where they can change a quick diaper. Later it will convert to a deeper playard which can fold up and come along on trips to friends’ houses. I like that it’s got wooden legs— makes it feels like furniture instead of camping equipment. And it’s very light and easy to set up; I was able to do it with no trouble. maxicosi.com/ca-en/ swift-playard-05430-mc-ca-en.html

2. Happy Island Diaper Service

Simon is so impressed with the Diaper Service they are using in Ontario. He very much wanted to use cloth diapers, but they live in an apartment with coin-operated laundry. So washing their own diapers is a difficult proposition.

The Diaper Service delivers clean diapers every week and take the dirty ones away. Diaper service is comparable in price to using disposables, but it’s better for the environment.

My mother, the baby’s Great Grandmother, is paying for the diaper service for the first few months. It makes her feel very useful! happyislanddiapers. com

3. The Yoyo2 stroller from BabyZen

Very compact, the Yoyo2 folds up in a snap to the size of a carry-on suitcase. Light enough for Chloë to lug up to their 3rd floor walk-up. There are several attachments for it: a bassinet for new babies, clips for the car-seat, a yoyo-board for the big-sibling when the next baby

comes, even skis for deep snow! It’s steady, with a low centre of gravity, but easily manoeuvrable. It’s quite pricey, but several households pitched in at the baby shower and it seems to have been well worth it! babyzen.com/pages/ yoyo2-stroller-birth

(Simon and Chloë recommend consulting this comparison chart on Reddit: reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/comments/z2qwrs/comparison_of_travel_ strollers_details_in_the)

4. Herschel Settlement Sprout Backpack Diaperbag

This backpack comes in many colours. Trim and compact, with many separate compartments and a changing pad. Will need an extra wetbag if parents are using cloth diapers, but that’s easy enough to get (see #5). Both parents agreed they could carry this bag with confidence. So stylish that Simon’s fashionista Great-Aunt was happy to select it for the baby shower. westcoastkids.ca/settlement-sprout

5. Colibri Wet

Colibri is a Manitoba company with wetbags in a whole raft of sizes, colours and patterns. Good quality at a great price. Wetbags are useful for so much more than wet diapers. Bathing suits, toiletries, snacks, sandwiches. A great parenting hack! colibricanada.com/collections/regular-wet-bags

6. Beluga Baby Wrap

This Canadian company makes soft and stretchy sustainable bamboo fabric wraps, just over in Vancouver! While learning to use a baby wrap might seem scary, it’s really no more complicated than tying your shoelaces. Simon learned in an afternoon and loves to wear the baby around the house and out on walks in the neighbourhood. It really is the cosiest, easiest way to keep a baby soothed, while getting chores done, and a great way for parents to bond with the baby. belugababy.ca

7. The Make My Belly Fit Universal Jacket Extender

This is a brilliant idea, invented by a Dad in Montreal. It’s a panel that zips into most jackets to create space first for the growing pregnancy tummy, and later for the baby in a wrap or carrier. It has a removable fleece layer for colder climates. A really thoughtful gift that Chloe used all winter. And Simon can use it when he baby-wears too! makemybellyfit.com/products/universaljacket-extender

8. ErgoPouch Cocoon Swaddle Sack

As Chloë said, this was clutch in the early days when baby needed to be swaddled to be comfortable but the parents were still figuring things out. Later, when the baby can roll over, you can open the sleeve holes so baby’s arms can be free. Being swaddled helps baby calm down because of the slight pressure on their body. And it also keeps them warm and cosy through the night. The ErgoPouch was invented by an Australian mom—Alina Sack! ergopouch. com/products/pouches

9. Organic Cotton Baby Gowns from Parade

I loved dressing my own babies in baby nightgowns. Not only did they look so cute and old-fashioned, but the nightgowns were so easy to pull up for diaper-changes in the dark. And no need to thread legs back into pants, or snap fasteners with sleepy fingers. The organic cotton gowns (and all sorts of other baby clothes) from Parade come in lots of colours and patterns, including a wide selection of genderneutral ones. And the cotton jersey is thick and warm and holds up to many many washes.

When I found out Chloë and Simon had not received any little gowns at the shower, I sent a batch of these off to them. They use them all the time. parade.ca/collections/organic-baby-gowns

10. Copper Pearl Premium Burp Cloths (in the Bloom pattern)

So pretty with their flowery pattern (and there are many other patterns to choose from), but also thick and absorbent to catch baby spit-up. A lower price-point item, always good to include on a baby shower wish-list. copperpearl.com/products/premium-burpcloths-bloom

Bonus Item

Really more of an “Oh Wow you’re pregnant!” gift: A is for Advice (The Reassuring Kind): Wisdom for Pregnancy by Ilana Stanger-Ross. Ilana is a Registered Midwife in Victoria. Her book is full of up-to-date, evidence-based, gentle information and advice for pregnant parents. It’s wonderfully comforting and beautifully designed with great illustrations. I send it off (via bookstores on the internet) to anyone in my circle who gets pregnant. And they all love it.

Being a grandparent is full of surprises and joys. I didn’t expect to feel so moved by seeing my son parent his baby so sweetly. I never thought about how I would feel to see my parents hold their first great-grandchild. I think that was a high point in my life.

With Simon and Chloë and the little one living so far away, I am going to be a Zoom-Ma, who checks in via the computer screen on the weekend. I will miss a lot, I know. But I certainly can engage in one of the time-honoured joys of grandparenting—shopping for the baby! Enjoy!

Eva Bild is a childbirth, parenting and lactation educator and doula trainer. She has been working with new families since 1992. Eva is the founder of the Mothering Touch Centre. She is the mother of three wonderful adults, but most excitingly, she is now a grandmother! evabild.ca

Grand Boundaries

My daughter is growing into her role of mother with grace, wisdom and patience. Yes, I know I’m biased, but it is a remarkable thing to witness. I believe this to be one of the most meaningful experiences of my lifetime along with being a parent myself. The determination that could bring me to my knees when I was her mother is one of her greatest gifts as a mother herself. It provides her with the strength to make decisions based on her beliefs and values.

I have which tends to be an hour or two, here or there, a few times a week. We check in with each other. Am I asking too much, I know you have your own life, Mom. Or, are you wanting some company or have you got plans?

Other boundaries include the role we play in our relationships. While I have taught parenting for decades, I am not my daughter’s parenting expert. I’m her mom, the only woman on the planet who can be her mom. Imagine how allergic she would feel to my advice if it was unsolicited and coming from judgment or wanting to teach her how to be a better parent. Fortunately, my own mom modelled this boundary for me. She stood back, respected my choices, and didn’t interfere with our parenting.

I’m grateful that there is so much information available to parents now. More than that, I’m grateful that my daughter beats to her own heart. She doesn’t buy into some of the theories that suggest you can spoil children by responding to their needs.

These questions are asked by both parents and grandparents:

How do we have serious or difficult conversations when we see things differently? What would be an issue that I would feel compelled to discuss? What are the important points of parenting that I would want to share? If I see or hear something that concerns me, what is my belief? What is important about this issue? What is the need or value that it represents?

A recipe for bringing things up: Choose a time to talk when there are no distractions or children present.

If the statement doesn’t land, stop talking. Go slow so that you have time to feel things out and to listen to the response. Get curious.

If what you say is making sense and well received express gratitude. I appreciate our ability to talk about these things. Remind your child that we learn as we go, and we are all doing our best.

We tend to repeat what we learned in our own families growing up when it comes to boundaries. If we are fortunate, healthy boundaries come easily. If the boundaries were blurred we may have some blind spots yet, we can educate ourselves and develop our awareness.

As parents, we learn through our successes and failures. We don’t have all the answers up front. We gather knowledge day to day by looking back if something didn’t go well or if we are feeling guilty. Boundaries that matter usually represent respect for time, privacy, emotional and physical safety, people’s autonomy, and the need to belong and be loved.

I remember very clearly, two times that my mother spoke up. Once, when my daughter was four and I was sick with the flu. My daughter was climbing all over me and not letting me sleep. I said something awful like, if you keep waking me up, I’m going to get sicker. With that, my mother spoke sternly and said, she doesn’t need that kind of responsibility for your health.

There are many boundaries to consider between parents and grandparents. How much time do we give or ask for when it comes to babysitting? Or, as a grandparent, when are you stretching yourself too much? I see a reluctance in my daughter to ask me to babysit while she teaches yoga or goes to an appointment if it is outside of my usual Nana Day. So, I make a point of checking in any spare moment

Ask permission. Would you be comfortable with me stating a concern?

Stick to the facts, not what you think but what you can specifically observe. When I hear or see __________. And state what need or value you are concerned about.

Watch your body language. Your adult child may be exhausted, uncertain and already riddled with feelings of guilt. Have a soft face and a gentle tone.

The second incident came years later when she was in her late 80s. I started going to her apartment to clean it. I was on my knees cleaning her toilet bowl. Standing behind me, I heard her say, Dr. Rees! I can hire a cleaner, I just want you to be my daughter.

With a loving connection, and healthy boundaries we can navigate those invisible lines. We can create what works for everyone and enjoy loving and being loved.

Dr. Allison Rees is a parent educator, counsellor and coach at LIFE Seminars (Living in Families Effectively), lifeseminars.com

TRavel

to snowy forests, scorched savannaH and the darkest depths of the ocean, and meet animals all over the globe.

Vol. VI, Ed. I grandmag.ca Thou Shalt! 10 Baby Shower Gifts Grand Boundaries A Grandparent’s Guide to Doing Away with the Rules

Gone are the days of rocking chairs and recliners. Today’s grandparents are more likely to be rock climbing or going for a run than they are to be rocking or reclining.

We’re an active and diverse group—an engaged, evolving and powerful force. We’re mentors, nurturers, keepers of secrets. We’re caregivers, child care providers, dessert-before-dinner defenders. We’re historians, spiritual guides and the holders of family stories.

GRAND celebrates who you are as a grandparent and who you are as an individual. You love spending time with your grandchildren and you’re happy in your other roles: at work, in the community and on your own. GRAND acknowledges that you are not “one or the other”—an “either/or” version of yourself—you are many different things to many different people. And to yourself.

With an Island perspective that speaks to an international readership, GRAND is the source for on-the-go grandparents of up-to-the-minute and thought-provoking information and ideas—on everything from having fun, staying fit and things to do to travel, leisure, health and technology. Think of GRAND as a trusted friend who happily shares those “senior moments” (in the best sense of the words!) and keeps you informed and connected to the issues and ideas that really matter. After reading an issue of GRAND, you should feel inspired, up-to-date and informed.

We’re here for you: from helping you figure out where you fit in to tackling your most perplexing questions, sharing your greatest discoveries and celebrating your deepest joys.

GRAND features articles on topics ranging from the importance of storytelling, cooking with your grandkids and community superheroes, to photographing your grandkids, gift-giving and grandparenting from afar. There are ideas and inspiration to help keep you in-the-know and connected, there’s a guide to investing in your grandchildren’s future and there’s tech support that will help you face your fears and embrace the cloud.

grandmag.ca

250-388-6905 Jim Schneider Publisher publisher@islandparent.ca Sue Fast Editor editor@islandparent.ca Kristine Wickheim Account Manager kristine@islandparent.ca RaeLeigh Buchanan Account Manager raeleigh@islandparent.ca A proud member of BC