Island Parent Fall 2023

Preschool for today’s child ...and tomorrow’s inner child.

Children possess boundless imagination, perfect openness to the world and all its beauty, and the inborn idea that anything is possible. We believe that these wonderful gifts should not fade with age.

With an innovative program enriched by music, dance, theatre and visual arts, our goal is to enable children to fully explore and express these gifts in an endless variety of ways. Inspiring and nurturing today’s child firmly implants their future inner child – that playfulness, creativity, vision and confidence that will enable them to realize their dreams.

“When I examine myself and my method of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than my talent for absorbing knowledge.”

–

Albert Einstein

Pre-K to Grade 12 www.ArtsCalibre.ca 250-382-3533

Jim Schneider Publisher publisher@islandparent.ca

Sue Fast Editor editor@islandparent.ca

RaeLeigh Buchanan Account Manager raeleigh@islandparent.ca

Kristine Wickheim Account Manager kristine@islandparent.ca

Island Parent Magazine, published by Island Parent Group Enterprises Ltd., is a bimonthly publication that honours and supports parents by providing information on resources and businesses for Vancouver Island families. Views expressed are not necessarily those of the publisher. No material herein may be reproduced without the permission of the publisher. Island Parent is distributed free in selected areas. Annual mail subscriptions (7 issues) are available for $21 (GST included). Canadian Publication Mail Product Sales Agreement 40051398. ISSN 0838-5505

For distribution inquiries, please email publisher@islandparent.ca

Island Parent Magazine 518 Caselton Place Victoria, BC V8Z 7Y5 250 388 6905

Giving Thanks

“Hang out with people who love hanging out with their kids.”

That’s still one of the best pieces of parenting advice I’ve ever received—as relevant now as it was when I first heard it years ago.

Whether it’s hanging out over coffee in those early first days, or at a post-natal yoga class a few months later, or on a playground racing around after your teetering toddlers, being with other parents who love being with their kids is contagious. It makes everything that much more fun. And, when we need it, that much more bearable. It lets you know you’re not alone, that you’re part of a supportive and bigger community.

Top 10 Threats to Kids in Canada

The annual Raising Canada report tracks the top 10 threats to childhood and highlights emerging threats like technology misuse and cross-cutting themes like access to healthcare and social services. Among the key findings: half of Canadian youth experienced depression during the pandemic, and incidences of child violence, poverty and racism have increased significantly over the previous year. Given the ongoing rise of inflation, it’s also not surprising that food insecurity among young people increased by 29 percent. To read the full report, visit childrenfirstcanada.org.

Explore Spooky Victoria

Explore the spooky side of Victoria on a special Halloween edition Ghostly Walking Tour! These hourlong walking tours, suitable for adults and kids, are the perfect way to get you in the Halloween Spirit. The special Halloween tours start in Market Square and tell you all the spooktacular tales of Victoria’s past—and current—hauntings as you weave through our fine city. Even if you’ve done a ghostly tour before, the route changes every year, and you never know what spooky new things you’ll learn! For more information and to book your tickets visit discoverthepast.com/ghostly-walks

Your Online Mommy BFFs

Real-life best friend and mom duo Kristin Gallant and Deena Margolin (the founders behind Big Little

Feelings) have launched a new podcast. “After Bedtime with Big Little Feelings” is kind of like the “mommy group” you wish you had— one where you show up after a long ass day of parenting, with spit up on you, in sweatpants with a wild mom bun, and you talk about allllll the things we’re all experiencing as parents that no one talks about, along with all the “taboo” topics— marriages changing after kids, miscarriage, feeling like a failure, sex drive, guilt—in a real/raw way that leaves you feeling less alone and more empowered by the end of each episode.

podcasts.apple.com

Nature in Action

Between mid-October and midDecember every year, millions of Pacific salmon make their way up the streams of the Pacific northwest to spawn and eventually die. One of the very best places to see these beautiful salmon fighting their way up the stream is in Goldstream Park. Stand and watch quietly to see the various ways the salmon make their way upstream—some alone, some in pairs. You may see a female select their spawning space and dig the hole by turning on her side and whipping her tail into the gravel. No one is really sure why and how they make their way back to their parent streams to spawn, but it truly is mesmerizing to watch them. See how many kinds of salmon you can spot! goldstreampark.com/salmon.htm

GVPL Writing Challenge

Want to win a gift certificate to Russell Books? If you’re over the age of 13 and living in Victoria, you still have time to enter the tiny stories contest for your chance to win! Tiny stories are composed of 450 characters or less (excluding the title). And yes, characters, not words. This means every letter, space, punctuation mark is a character and counts towards that 450 count. Pick up your tiny stories postcard at any Greater Victoria Public Library branch and challenge yourself to write your own original story. Simply mail it in or drop it off at your local branch by October 21. You can enter up to 3 times. Full details at gvpl.ca.

I ❤ ISLAND

Jenny Marie’s Crackers

Go crackers for these handmade crackers! These yummy crackers come in a variety of flavours and make an awesome vessel for anything from jam to tuna, to…whatever you crave! They’re even delicious on their own. Made in Victoria, you can find them at local markets, in grocery stores or online.

jennymariescrackers.com

Yeshi Dressings

Surprise your taste buds! Yeshi Foods is an island owned, family business dedicated to making gluten free food taste delicious! Find these tasty, innovative, nutrient rich dressings and other products in stores near you or online. yeshifoods.com

Louis Pasture Pork Crisps

Crunch those cravings! In 2015 two Vancouver Island sisters created these protein-rich snacks to satisfy the cravings for salty snacks while still following the Paleo diet. Using local, ethically raised pork, these tasty snacks can be found at the Duncan Farmers Market, in some stores or online. primalsisters.com

Out & About in Nature: Rain or Shine!

As the days get shorter and the sun disappears behind the trees earlier each day, it’s lovely (and easy!) to stay hunkered inside with a hot drink and a fuzzy blanket. Maybe you have a book that you can’t put down, a show that ends on a cliffhanger each episode or a knitting project for yourself or a special someone. If you asked my partner, he’d say my happy place is nestled under the blanket on the couch with a good book. And if you asked me, I’d agree! But it is just one of my happy places—I also love being outdoors and experiencing nature in all seasons.

Whether sunny, cloudy or rainy, I know that being outside in nature helps my mental and physical health. And numerous studies show the benefits of spending time in nature, which include lowered stress levels, improvements in mood and emotional wellbeing, and restored capacity for concentration and attention, just to name a few! I’m fortunate to live in the

southern Vancouver Island region, where we have numerous regional parks and trails to explore. The following are some of my favourites for families to explore in the fall and winter.

Sooke Potholes Regional Park

Sooke Potholes Regional Park, as the name suggests, has fascinating potholes to view, and in the wet winter months impressive river flow and rapids to marvel at. The potholes in the river are unique geological formations (deep pools within the river rock) that were formed by large boulders stuck in the river. These boulders were swirled around and around and created the potholes, which in many areas are surrounded steep bedrock cliffs, created by glacial erosion thousands of years ago. In the fall, there are some great trails to hike and the Sooke River is home to an annual salmon run. The river itself is the second largest on southern Vancouver Island and the sandy area just down from Parking Lot 1 offers a prime

spot to view the salmon as they prepare for spawning. Keep your eyes peeled for that splash of water as the salmon make their way up the river!

Island View Beach Regional Park

If you’re feeling more “flighty” than “fishy,” head to Island View Beach Regional Park in Central Saanich for some birding opportunities. The trail next to the beach is accessible and offers views of the shoreline, the Gulf and San Juan Islands, and even Mount Baker on a clear day! Fall is a great time of year to go birding with or without binoculars. Many waterfowl are migrating south for the winter (some as far south as Argentina!) and Island View Beach can provide a place for these birds to rest and eat before journeying on. Check out ebird.ca to see recent bird sightings in the area and help you know what to look for!

Devonian Regional Park

If you’re in the mood for something other than animals, travel to one of the CRD’s smaller parks, Devonian Regional Park, to check out trees like our native Garry oak. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve loved seeing the sprawling branches of the oak trees. Something about them reminded me of fairy tales and as I grew older, I admired them not just for their beauty but for their strength and perseverance. Oak trees and their ecosystems in BC are rare and endangered in BC—less than 5% of their ecosystem is remaining intact. But they are home

to more species-at-risk than any other ecosystem, including Howell’s triteleia (a beautiful wildflower), sharp-tailed snakes (smallest snake species in BC) and the propertius dusky-wing butterfly (a butterfly completely dependent on Garry oak trees for survival). Visiting parks like Devonian remind me of the importance of having parks to protect ecosystems like these.

Whichever regional park you and your family explore, take time to enjoy the sights, sounds and smells of what’s around. Marvel at the big stuff and feel in awe of nature. Then take time to zoom in and appreciate the small stuff and be filled with amazement at the whole other mini world that lies beneath your feet. Always remember that staying on trail helps protect these animals and plants—big and small—for me, you and future generations to enjoy. Whether that’s in just a few months with wildflowers blooming or in years to come with future oak trees looming overhead.

One thing is for sure—rain or shine this fall, I’ll be out and about in nature! How about you?

Lauren Sherwood is a Parks Naturalist with the Capital Regional District. She enjoys being out in nature with family and friends of all ages, rain or shine. For more information about Regional Parks programs visit crd.bc.ca/park-events.

Setting Kids Up for Success at School

Relationships are crucial for human development. It’s attachment that tethers us together and it’s our greatest need: to belong, to be “gotten,” to love, to feel significant and to feel sameness.

Parents can start by taking responsibility to preserve the relationship so children can let go and be themselves. When we meet the attachment and dependency needs of our kids, they emerge as viable, separate beings. How?

• Help children feel safe at home to experience all their big feelings. When home is an easy place to have their tears, kids are better able to navigate mistakes, failures and disappointments—for example, not getting the red crayon or not getting to play with a friend at recess.

• Encourage play so kids may naturally work through worries and stresses while expressing and discharging big feelings. Settling back into the routine of school is a big transition for kids (and parents). Make space for all the feelings—excitement, anxiety, worry, frustration. Keep your after-school activities simple. Hopefully now you’re settled into the new routine and have come to terms with saying goodbye to your summer selves. Prioritize time for rest and play.

• Ensure proper sleep. Sleep is restorative. If you must wake your child in the morning, they aren’t getting enough sleep.

• Eat well. Healthy diets can help prevent “hangry” kids.

• Establish routines. Routines can help kids feel connected because they know how the day will unfold.

• Take charge of health, safety, boundaries, and support good decision making. Set limits with confidence so children can rest in knowing we’ll take care of them.

• Understand that upset is normal and take responsibility for preserving your relationship with your child.

• Lead with empathy, delight in your child, allow them to exist in your presence and don’t take things personally.

Parents will likely have a range of feelings about “Will my child behave in school?” And “What can we do to set them up for success?”

According to psychologist and author Gordon Neufeld, there are six traits of well-behaved children that can’t be taught and must be grown.

1. Children should want to be good for the people they are attached to and resist orders from those they are not.

2. Children are easily alarmed. A healthy alarm system moves a child to caution and makes them conscientious and concerned about their actions.

3. Children feel futility. They can adapt to not getting their way, accept another’s decision and adjust to the limits and restrictions in their life.

4. Children are appropriately attached to adults. These adults are role models and share similar values.

5. Children are well intentioned. They can form their own goals and agendas.

6. Children are well tempered. They have self-control. They can think twice! (This needs prefrontal brain integration which doesn’t happen until 5-7 years old and later for sensitive kids.)

Kids are teachable because they have a fulfilling relationship with someone. Parents can help attach their child to the teacher who will be their compass. We can play matchmaker!

“When kids see that their parents like their school and teacher, it can go a long way to helping them trust their adults at school, says clinical counsellor and author Dr. Deborah MacNamara.

– Dr. Gordon Neufeld

“Parents need to take an active role and play matchmaker with the teacher by speaking with warmth about the teacher, conveying trust in them, orienting them to the school culture and rules and ensuring that the relationship with their teacher stays on track,” adds MacNamara. “Kids do best when adults take the lead in introducing them to the people that will take care of them. It provides both security and a sense of rest so that the focus can go towards learning.”

Create and seize opportunities to matchmake your child to their teacher and their wider school community.

Get to know your school community

• Find your school Parent Advisory Council (PAC) social media page or other platforms to connect and inform families.

• Attend school events.

• Join the PAC! Everyone can find a meaningful way to contribute. Volunteering is a great way to meet other parents, contribute to school culture and offer hands-on help. Cultivating even one or two important connections will go a long way.

Lindsay Coulter is a writer, educator, facilitator, naturalist, community catalyst, soul activist, mentor, and dedicated mother of two. She’s the Director of Communications, Culture and Community at EPIC Learning Centre, a forest and nature school in Victoria. Find her @SaneAction on Instagram and Facebook.

Play is NOT work. There is no outcome. It’s ‘a spontaneous activity that cannot be taught or commanded.’

Lessons from a Little Kid

My daughter started Kindergarten this year. Now, a few months in, I have accepted that she is no longer a little kid. Not a really little kid at least. She’s way past diapers, past the terrible twos. Teething is a distant memory. Naps vanished long ago. All those baby accessories—the BabyBjorn, the Diaper Genie, the Exersaucer have long since been cleared out and donated. But as I embrace my not-so-little kid, I think of everything her babyhood and toddlerhood has taught me—not about parenting, but about how I navigate my own life as an adult.

Here are a few things my daughter’s early years taught me:

Sleep is everything.

This was the biggest lesson from the newborn stage, when the midwife came over one day and asked me if I knew how to nap. I did not. I do now. A well rested child is a happy child. A late bedtime for a toddler can wreak havoc for days

to come. And adults? Just the same. It’s so much easier to fall apart on a bad night’s sleep. So much easier to snap at your partner when you’re tired. So much easier for a little thing to push you to tears. Sleep will save you and not enough of it will pull you under.

Do not back down.

I can’t tell you how many times my daughter threw a fit because she didn’t want to have a bath, or go to bed, or leave the playground or try going to the bathroom before bed and I’d think to myself—wow this is both very annoying and very impressive. I wish I had this kind of resolve when I present an idea in a meeting rather than saying “just a thought…” or when no one offers to make Turkey dinner for Thanksgiving and suddenly I’m hosting. Little kids will stand their ground, tear-streaked face, thrashing legs, violent arms and all. And adults? We need to do the same (only without the screaming fits).

Pull out the fancy.

I was surprised how young my daughter was when she gravitated towards anything shiny. Sparkly shirts, tutus, blow up floaties filled with glitter, glitter itself. How she loved dressing up and how she’d stop and gasp on the rare occasions I wore a dress. Mommy you look beautiful! Sparkles may not be everyone’s idea of fancy, but appreciating the beauty around us and seeking it out never gets old.

Make it fun.

Washing your hair is boring. Unless you sing a song while lathering cherry flavoured Little Mermaid shampoo. Why use mint toothpaste when it can be bubble gum flavoured and covered in Minions? Why just have a bagel when you can cut it in half, add grape eyes and make it into a smiley face? Too much of adulthood is drudgery. Bring on the silliness!

Say it how it is.

My niece once said I like Nanna better than Grandma. To Grandma. This isn’t the best example of honesty but between my daughter’s why do you have lines on your fore head? to her why do you put pokey things in your eyes? her opinions were always clear. No bending herself back wards to placate others, no walking on eggshells around the grumpy guy at work, no offering to do things she doesn’t want to do. Little kids are brutally honest. As we grow up, we learn what’s expected of us, sometimes at the expense of our true selves.

There was a point during Covid when my daughter started saying just a minute every time I asked her to do something and insisted on sending imaginary emails before we left the house. I was both amused and mortified at how she was imitating us. But it goes both ways—just as kids learn from the adults around them, adults can absorb all the childhood wisdom we’ve forgotten over the years. We can be reminded of finding joy, living authentically and taking care of ourselves. When we see what works and doesn’t for kids, it helps us to reflect on our own lives.

Now grown-ups, it’s time to put yourself down for a nap, break out the finery and tell your boss how you really feel.

November

Julia Mais is a policy and communications professional in Victoria. She looks for beauty in the everyday through writing, photography and the outdoors. She lives in a messy, cheese-filled home with her husband and preschooler.

Always Half Full

Because of the tyranny of print publication schedules and my own relentless urge to be ahead of the game, I’m writing this in mid-August, and here you are reading it, like, six months later. But, this is fresh on my mind so work with me for a minute, even though it’s old news to you.

I decided this year to not wait until the last minute to get school supplies, even

said “look in bag in office,” so I stumbled into the office, found an unusual bag that had a note on it that said “school supplies to reuse for Grade 7,” then crossreferenced the school supply list and found that, much to my pleasure, I need to buy a grand total of two things, everything else is still good from Grade 6. (Do I bother buying the second eraser and second fine-tip black felt marker or do I just wing it, and allow myself a summer of buying zero school supplies? I’d like to say I just wing it but the Danny Tanner in me didn’t not allow that: I bought them.

So what’s the point here? Leave yourself notes that you’ll forget about then read months later as if someone else wrote them, leading you around the house on a scavenger hunt of sorts? Well, yeah, that was weird and awesome and I felt pretty good about it. Be organized and do stuff early? Always, but that’s pretty lame and no one wants to hear it. Something about back to school? No, that was like a month ago by the time you read this.

My point is, man, did I ever have a secret little smile on my face the evening this all went down. No one knew what I

was doing, probably no one cared, but it was just...a win. Take ‘em where you can, I figure. As a dad—as a parent—you can go through long stretches without those wins. Not that life is a miserable slog, but just that it’s go, go, go, and it can be an uphill battle sometimes.

But don’t dwell on that. I’ve been making the mistake of zoning out on social media a bit lately, doing the hatescroll, just watching everyone be miserable and hate everything. I’ll do it for 10 minutes, snap out of it, and feel horribly embarrassed for wasting my time. My only takeaway is that there’s a lot of people out there seeing the cup half empty.

And no matter how hard it gets, no matter the struggles—personal, private, public, major, or minor—that we face as parents, I refuse to see the cup as half empty. Even during the hardest times—housing issues, medical diagnoses, moments of defeat—I’ll stick that note somewhere secret to remind myself that there will be brighter days ahead (that note is metaphorical, of course; even Danny Tanner here has his limits).

I mean, there always are brighter days ahead, more victories down the road. And sometimes they’re just small victories. Sometimes it’s just reusing two orange duotangs from Grade 6 for Grade 7. But they were in great shape, man, and it almost made me pump my first in the air in victory.

And it’s not much, at all. By the time this is in print, I’ll probably barely remember any of this happening, too caught up in whatever else is happening, whatever parenting ups and downs have me by the throat at that particular point in time. But here and now, the orange duotangs are a reminder that there are always moments of victory to be found, you sometimes just have to work a bit to find them, and sometimes you have to make them happen yourself.

Greg Pratt is the father of three children and a local journalist and editor. His writing has appeared in, among other places, Today’s Parent, Decibel and Douglas. He is @gregprattwriter on Twitter.

Giving Back

A measure of wealth through an Indigenous lens

While often described as celebrations, festivals and/or feasts, the Potlatch tradition of the Pacific Northwest Coast Indigenous Peoples is so much more. The Potlatch tradition is about acknowledging the past while embracing the future. It instills pride and respect for time-honoured cultural practices. But more importantly, it inspires a deep sense of connection to community.

The word Potlatch (Ṕačiƛ – Patshalt) comes from the language of the Nuu chah nulth Peoples of the west coast of Vancouver Island and aptly means “to give.” It was during the fur trade era when Potlatch became the generic term used in reference to cultural gatherings through a trading language known as the Chinook Jargon.

Potlatch is also sometimes confused with the word, Potluck, which originated in England. It was said that if you arrived after the dinner hour, you were lucky to get whatever was left at the bottom of the pot. Today it is a term used to describe a gathering where everyone is bringing and sharing food together, which may have understandably, contributed to the confusion.

A Potlatch is a large gathering hosted by Indigenous community leaders where invited guests attend as witnesses to substantial events. These include, but are not limited to, the raising of a totem pole, the passing down of hereditary rights and names, the validation of marriage alliances and the honouring of individuals who have passed on. Practiced in diverse ways by

all Indigenous Peoples inhabiting the Pacific Northwest Coast from Washington State northwards to the southeastern coast of Alaska, the Potlatch is the pivotal social event.

During these occasions, the host displays their wealth in the form of songs, masks, and dances, and by presenting gifts to their guests. The more they give away, the more prestige they acquire. An Elder from the Kwagiulth – Kwakwaka’wakw Nation was quoted as saying, “A person potlatches to share his wealth. There is no honour or virtue in keeping your wealth…” writes Edward Malin in Masks & Totems: A Northcoast Odyssey. Therefore, a leader’s wealth is determined by how well they provide for their community, as opposed to personal gain. This way of thinking supports the origin stories of potlatches as being a means to evenly distribute food and resources throughout a village. Over the course of countless generations, the Potlatch evolved to become the crucial point of coastal cultural practices.

Potlatches also serve as reminders of creation stories, historic events or occurrences like floods, earthquakes, and droughts. In this instance, masks and dances are used for the re-telling of the story and the portrayal of heroes who looked after their people during these challenging times. This theatrical display encourages community members to be grateful for each day, while inspiring youth to contribute to the well-being of their communities.

It is often the traditional role of grandparents to encourage, inspire and preserve the valuable lessons learned through the Potlatch. In fact, some coastal territories acknowledge grandparents as “Wisdom Keepers” who share their life experiences and knowledge with the intention of providing guidance, support and encouragement. It also serves as an opportunity to “give back” to the upcoming generations.

I was fortunate to have these teachers throughout my youth and appreciated that, no matter the challenge, I could always rely on their gentle guidance to lift me up and set me back on a healthy and fulfilling path. I am also grateful to have had the opportunity to attend and participate in many Potlatches over the years and still feel the deep resonance of history reiterating the past while embracing the future. It has inspired me to want to “give back” and although I do not live within my traditional territory, there is opportunity to provide Indigenous perspectives within urban populations by inviting the public to consider education through an Indigenous lens.

I am now grandmother to eight beautiful grandchildren, and l look forward to watching their faces when the sound of the drums, crackle of the fire and pageantry of dancers awaken their curiosity. For up-to-date information on CRD Regional Parks and its programs, visit crd.bc.ca/parks-events.

Leslie McGarry is the Cultural Programmer at CRD Regional Parks and a grateful guest on these lands from the Kwakwaka’wakw Territory. The CRD’s boundaries span the Traditional Territories of over 20 First Nations, whose ancestors have been taking care of the land since time immemorial. Many of CRD regional parks have historic and ongoing cultural significance for these Nations and provide important food, medicine and spiritual places.

A Little Bit of Joy, Warmth & Self-Love

Even though the school year is no longer brand new, it can still be stressful for children. So it’s important for us to take time to check in with them and see how they are doing. However, you might have noticed that kids aren’t always the best at explaining what’s wrong, and we don’t want to step on their toes by just jumping into a conversation if they haven’t said anything.

So, it might be a good idea to use a book as a starting point. That way you can read about a child who is having a particular problem, talk about what your child would do if they were in that situation, and then ask them if they’re struggling with something they would like help with. If you don’t have any books that your child would be interested in, here are a few books that I think would be a great starting point.

The first is I’m Not (Very) Afraid of the Dark by Anna Milbourne and illustrated by Daniel Rieley (Usborne, 2023). As the title suggests, the young protagonist is only slightly afraid of the dark, but they are not willing to say so out loud. But when the sun sets and it gets darker, it’s harder for him to pretend he isn’t scared. This fun book is filled with the gorgeous and interactive pictures I’ve come to expect from Usborne. Rieley’s work is impeccable and filled with magic, so make sure you read this story with a flashlight nearby. That way you can

shine light through all of the cut outs and see what the main character sees. For ages 4 to 8.

If you think your child is struggling with sadness instead of fear, His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso and Desmond Mpilo Tutu, the Archbishop Emeritus of South Africa have created a little picture book called The Little Book of Joy, illustrated by Rafael López (Crown Books for Young Readers, 2022). While this wouldn’t be a good book if your child has clinical depression, because we don’t want to tell them to just be happy, it is a good reminder that there is a reason to be joyful all around us. And this story reminds us that when we find joy we should share it with others so together we can make the world a brighter place. For ages 4 to 8.

Another emotion that you might notice if your children are stressed is anger. If that’s the case, I recommend getting Anger Management Activities for Kids by Holly Forman-Patel and illustrated by Claudio Cerri (Rockridge Press, 2020). Unlike the previous two books on the list, this is not a story, it is a selfhelp book for children. There are a variety of activities and lessons in it to help you and your child learn why we get angry in the first place, discover how to stop the anger monsters

Christina Van Starkenburg lives in Victoria with her husband, children and cat. She is the author of One Tiny Turtle: A Story You Can Colour and many articles. To read more of her work and learn about her upcoming books visit christinavanstarkenburg.com Facebook: facebook.com/christinavanstarkenburg and Twitter: @Christina_VanS.

from multiplying, and failing that, create effective strategies to release those anger monsters in a healthy manner. The pictures in this book are adorable, and the cuteness helps children remember that anger monsters and their buddies aren’t bad they just need special attention. For ages 5 to 9.

While I would love for this to never be the case, one thing that might be stressing our children out is bullies. Bullies can decimate our kids’ self-esteem, and it can be really tough to rebuild that. If you think your child is struggling with a bully, or with low self-esteem in general, check out A Kids Book About Self-Love by Brandon Farbstein (A Kids Co., 2021). Farbstein understands what it feels like to be bullied because of your appearance, and what it feels like to dislike yourself, which is why he wrote this book about self-love: what it looks like, what it feels like, and how to start loving yourself. There are no pictures in this book, but don’t let that deter you because Farbstein’s writing style is comforting and conversational so it won’t be hard for children to remain engaged. For ages 5 to 9.

The last book is What You Need to Be Warm: A Poem of Welcome by Neil Gaiman and many others (Quill Tree Books, 2023). As Gaiman explains in the foreword, this is a collaborative poem; he wrote it using memories that people shared with him about what it meant to be warm. While the aim of this poem is to draw attention to refugees without adequate shelter, you can also read it with your children and talk about what it means for your kids to be warm or to feel loved. In addition to the poets, 13 artists contributed to this story. Each

BUSINESSES YOU NEED TO KNOW

with their own unique style, but all of them held onto the same colour scheme creating an orange glow that seems to emanate warmth from the very pages you’re holding. For ages 8 to 12.

I know school and the coming winter can be hard—especially when the nights get darker faster and the weather turns cool—but hopefully these books will help you and your children embrace your fears, find pockets of joy, hug your monsters, love yourself, and discover your own items to add to Gaiman’s list of what it takes to be warm.

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Be Gentle with Yourself

While we experience profound love and great joy when we become parents, it can also be shocking. We soon discover that we can’t control another person. We can’t make them poop on the potty, be nice to their sibling, care about homework, or joyfully unload the dishwasher.

If we invest our mental energy in constantly worrying about our kids and trying to get them to listen to us, we become depleted. When we try too hard, attempting to be their one-person entertainment centre and doing everything for them, we exhaust ourselves. When we hold the bar too high because we don’t understand the nature of childhood, we see their behaviour as deliberate, and we find ourselves overreacting.

Tell yourself:

1. My child is just trying to cope right now.

2. This is a stage that kids go through.

3. I can get through this, and I can cope.

4. I can see some humour in this situation and anger won’t make it better.

5. Children can’t help but be impulsive, it’s natural.

It’s a given that:

1. You will not always be patient and loving.

2. There will be many times when you don’t know what to do.

3. You will give in just to keep the peace.

4. You will wonder if your child is normal.

5. You will feel like you are failing as a parent.

Find your calm energy:

1. Observe the bigger picture of times that behaviour is challenging and what sets it off.

2. Learn about your own triggers and immature reactions.

3. Let go of unnecessary control over things that don’t really matter.

4. Build resources through relationships and education.

5. Think about your true values as a parent and put it in writing.

Develop a mantra that reflects your true values:

1. You matter.

2. I believe in you.

3. You are listened to.

4. We can handle this.

5. Mistakes are a part of life.

Think through repeated difficulties at a neutral time and come up with a plan of how you want to respond. Be predictable knowing that it might not change the immediate, challenging behaviour in front of you.

Sometimes effective parenting really is about what you don’t do. If you have made it through the day holding onto some of your values without losing the plot, can you let that sink in? Can you give yourself some genuine appreciation? Can you be gentle with yourself? Can you do that now?

Dr. Allison Rees is a parent educator, counsellor and coach at LIFE Seminars (Living in Families Effectively), lifeseminars.com

Get Kids Cooking!

Anyone who is familiar with this column knows that I am a huge fan of teaching kids how to cook. So when I heard that Touchwood Editions (the Victoria-based publisher behind my cookbook, Fermenting Made Simple) was putting out a kid-focused cookbook, I was super excited!

Let’s Eat is a cookbook written for tweens and teens. It offers real food recipes, like spaghetti Bolognese and chicken pot pie, along with beginner-friendly basics on how to cook eggs, rice and potatoes. The authors, DL Acken and Aurelia Louvet, are Salt Spring residents behind a lot of BC-based food writing (Edible Vancouver Island, Cedar and Salt).

Food deskilling is when someone doesn't have the skills needed to cook healthy food from scratch. It’s a global problem linked to poor dietary choices and subsequent health problems. While the huge amount of processed foods available in our grocery stores is partly to blame, the main reason for food deskilling is that kids are no longer being taught how to cook.

Here are a few recipes that can help you get your kids cooking!

Quesadillas

Quesadillas are the perfect way to get little kids helping out in the kitchen. They can chop vegetables, grate cheese and put together their own quesadillas. Quesadillas are typically cooked on a griddle, however, this oven-baked recipe allows you to make enough for everyone to eat at the same time.

8 to 12 small corn tortillas

1 can refried beans

6 spring onions, finely sliced

4 mushrooms, sliced

3 tomatoes, diced

1 large red bell pepper, diced

1 can of chopped black olives, drained and rinsed

1 cup grated cheese

Salsa, sour cream, and hot sauce for serving

Preheat the oven to 400˚F. Lightly grease two baking sheets with vegetable oil.

Depending on the age of your child, have them help with dicing the vegetables and grating the cheese.

Spread a few spoonfuls of refried beans over half of the corn tortillas. Let everyone decorate their tortilla their favourite fillings. Top with a handful of grated cheese, then put a second tortilla on top.

Place the quesadillas on the baking sheets. Bake for 8 minutes. Remove from the oven. Press down on each quesadilla with a spatula to stick the layers together, then carefully flip the quesadilla over. Bake for another 8 minutes, until the cheese is melted and the tortillas have started to brown.

Slice the tortillas into quarters and serve with salsa and sour cream. Store in an air-tight container in the fridge for up to 1 week.

Little Kids

If you aren’t sure where to start, here are somethings that little kids can do around the kitchen.

• 0 to 2 years: Keeping your baby or toddler in the kitchen while you cook, is a great way to get them interested. Let them play with foods as you prepare them. As they get older, they can help wash vegetables and stir batters.

• 3 to 5 years: Preschoolers LOVE to help out their parents. Let them pack their own snacks or lunch boxes. They can also slice up soft items, like tofu and mushrooms, with a butter knife. They can even do some highly-supervised cooking, like flipping pancakes, grating cheese, or stirring a pot on the stove.

• 6 to 8 years: Little kids are able to do a lot more independent cooking. They can make muffins, prepare a salad, and help with dinner. The amount of supervision and assistance needed will decrease as they gain patience and skill.

Tweens and Teens

Most tweens and teens are capable of independently preparing dinner. The only trick is, that they need to be shown how. It takes experience to know how to sauté onions or figure out how long it’s going to take wash a head of lettuce.

Online recipes can be quite difficult for kids to follow. Since they involve scrolling between the ingredient list and the instructions and often steps are missed. I recommend having them work from a cookbook and staying nearby so you can check on them periodically. They’ll feel better knowing that you’re available to help, if they need it.

Let’s Eat is designed for kids 9+ with a focus on recipes for tweens and teens. The following recipe is an excerpt from the cookbook.

Sweet Potato Thai Curry (by DL Acken and Aurelia Louvet)

Although this recipe calls for sweet potatoes, curry is an ideal dish for vegetables like cauliflower, potatoes or peas, and proteins like chickpeas, tofu, shrimp or chicken. Basically, anything covered in curry sauce is YUM! Try different Thai curry pastes: there are green, yellow and red varieties, and each has a different flavor, but be sure to check out their spice levels on the packaging for mild or spicy kinds. Not a fan of coconut milk or have an allergy? Use the equivalent amount of vegetable stock instead.

¼ cup (60 mL) olive oil

4 sweet potatoes, peeled and cut into medium dice

2 small onions, cut into medium dice

¼ cup (60 mL) curry paste (like Thai Kitchen)

2 Tbsp (30 mL) brown sugar

2 (each 14 oz/400 mL) cans coconut milk

2 cups (500 mL) stock of choice (beef, chicken, fish, and vegetable all work well)

4 tsp (20 mL) fish sauce

2 cups (500 mL) cherry tomatoes, washed and halved

2 cups (500 mL) baby spinach, washed

In a large Dutch oven or soup pot, warm the olive oil over medium heat and cook the sweet potatoes and onions, stirring occasionally, until they’re starting to brown.

Add the curry paste and stir it into the sweet potatoes and onions. Cook, stirring occasionally, for a few minutes to cook off the curry paste. Add the sugar, coconut milk, stock and fish sauce and stir to combine. Cover the pot with a lid and turn the heat down to low. Cook until the potatoes are al dente, about 10 minutes.

Stir in the tomatoes, cover and cook another 5 minutes. Stir in the spinach and cook for another minute until the spinach has wilted. Serve with rice, mashed potatoes or naan.

Emillie Parrish loves having adventures with her two busy children. You can find more of her recipes in her recently released cookbook Fermenting Made Simple. fermentingforfoodies.com

The Cool of Volunteering at School

The school bell rings. The children will be entering the classroom in seconds.

I’m in my daughter’s Grade 2 classroom, about to be in the spotlight. I flip another round of pancakes on my griddle while my stomach does a flop.

My forehead breaks out in a nervous sweat. I wish I wore sandals instead of runners. But it’s too late to consider cooler wardrobe choices now.

The children file into the classroom and are instantly distracted at the sight of a guest—me. I breathe, wipe

my brow and then smile. I’ve got this. Children are a forgiving audience and my daughter is always telling me it is okay to learn from our mistakes.

I love participating in PJ Day as much as the children do. I am rocking my rubber ducky PJ pants. I also love that my youngest daughter still loves to dress up in matching outfits with me. Twinning as she calls it. She also enjoys twinning with her friends.

One child approaches me. She is wearing an adorable unicorn onesie. She tells me about her dad’s pancakes that he makes every weekend. Another child asks whose mom I am. My own daughter comes and hugs me. Many more children come over to view the extra toppings of whip cream, strawberries, and chocolate chips that are laid out on the table at the front of the classroom.

I get a chance to eat some pancakes with my daughter, but not before tripping the breaker by plugging in a second griddle. I remind myself that children are a forgiving audience and so is the teacher as I apologize for blowing the breaker. I move to the hall to use a different outlet to finish cooking the last of the pancake batter. Thankfully, it was only one outlet and not power for the whole class. As I’m cleaning up, children are still chatting to me while they’re supposed to be practicing their spelling. I say goodbye to my daughter’s teacher and the whole class thanks me at the same time. By this point, I’m comfortable and far less nervous.

This year I also attended my son’s Maritime Museum field trip where I helped with fun activities to learn about supply and demand and trading. I was nervous during my role for this field trip as well because I was the checker of various activities that the children completed on cards to earn pelts for trading at the trading post. It

was also exciting because I managed to sit by my fellow mom friend on the bus. We coordinated our outfits as I would have back in the day with my friends.

I also went on a field trip with my son’s class to the Royal BC Museum, and the children in my group started running up the escalator the wrong way. It was challenging to get them to stop but was overall a fun day of learning for all of us. I found ways to assess the personalities in my group and who needed extra jobs to keep busy and not get distracted. It was a day of counting and ensuring that we all stayed together. My son became quite upset at one point because I was helping another student and he couldn’t’ see me. I definitely could not be a teacher; I respect teachers and all the challenges they face.

At the end of my volunteer days, I was relieved that we didn’t lose anyone and my nervousness was outweighed by the thrill of being back at school. The feeling took me back to my school performance days. I had the role of Marilla in Anne of Green Gables. After performing, I felt exhilarated and like I could accomplish anything. I feel the same way after volunteering at the school. I had a forgiving audience back in my Drama class days too. I’m looking forward to volunteering again this school year. I encourage you to take a day off work and spend a few hours with your child’s class—especially while your child still thinks it’s cool to have you at school.

Serena Beck works full-time as a Technical Writer. She loves to write, travel and swim at the beach with family and friends.

You’re My Hero, Dad

My 6-year-old kid looks up to me. Or so I thought. Recently, in the middle of another great adventure together, he looked at me and said, “I want to be a champion!”

Gulp, how the hell do I show him this?

He gets these mid-week epiphanies. They can be inspired by seeing the medals on his 17-year-old big brothers’ walls, from finding boxes of my old medals, or from catching glimpses of his auntie’s shiny medals lining her at-home gym.

Like Captain Underpants, I stood there, wind blowing at my unsculpted back, and thought “I can do this, I can somehow figure out how to help shape the hero in him.”

I’ve got the recipe—or so I thought.

I’ve got a bit of charisma, energy, willingness to fail, grit to succeed and I surround myself with rockstar humans. However, my last decade of marriage and only recently a year out has taught me that I’ve got to tread lightly, play small, cautiously, within boundaries. Ugh, feels awkward and compromising. There’s got to be a formula for showing my kid success on

the health-related battlefield regardless of the hamster ball I seem to be spinning on.

Let me back up a bit. Hudson, my extraordinary kiddo is a legendary boy. He’s got a curiosity fused with kindness, goofiness laced with imagination, and a “what can we do today Dad that’s going to be fun” mentality. He’s not the kid that bounces off walls but takes more of a pensive approach to things. So naturally I can’t take a back seat to the “champion” mentality I want to instill in him. Time for me to dust off my lagging health goals and show him what it means to crush goals.

The Coles Notes version of my life helped provide some answers as to what this path might look like for him. My mom’s always been my hero. I’m not really sure when it happened, but at some point in my early 20s I saw her as a beacon for integ-

rity and selflessness. She’s always been that voice of reason and moral standard in my life. Then there’s my father, the guy I look up to as far as work ethic and goal setting goes. It wasn’t anything they did that made me realize I’d struck gold with incredible parents, but the culmination of their character jackhammered into me from the day I was born. I think at some early point, they also tossed me into every sport imaginable and told me to do my best. So I did. And on the field was where I learned what it was like to be a champion. This was where my attitude on life began.

Training sucked. Or at least starting to train felt like a sucker punch. I worked out my legs and somehow my shoulders were sore for days. I wouldn’t say my form was unorthodox, but the areas my body pinched and creaked told me otherwise.

Trimming the “bad habits” fat was a necessary evil. If I was going to emulate what it looks and feels like to be a champion in life for Hudson, I was going to have to eliminate things. Let’s start with wings, fermented barley, and what felt like a need to attend social hour every day! At a minimum let’s set up a path to cut these down a bit, or a lot.

The more I regained my mental and emotional turf, the more I put him as a reason, and the more it mattered to me. The more it mattered to me, the less and less he became the focal point, and I started taking action for myself.

Setbacks were everywhere. Disappointments, not being where I wanted to be, any excuse I could find to sabotage my growth all seemed like Goliath-like realities. I was in status quo mode, and didn’t let myself push many boundaries, whether physical, spiritual, emotional, or mental. So I opted for help from everyone around me. I leaned heavily on phenomenal friends who helped carry me when I couldn’t carry myself.

It took time to regain my confidence in me, and while every day hasn’t become a win, my son sees my victories as his. And so we share these small wins with each other.

I’ve got a race coming up and nothing means more to me than showing my kids I can push myself. It’s not necessarily the medal for me, but because of my son’s affinity for pirate treasure, his eyes will light up when he sees that I’ve got something shiny and gold!

It’s turned into a symbiotic relationship. I win, and so does my son. We do this as a team. We weren’t always a team. When once he’d run around me at all cost trying to get to his mom, he’s now starting to see me as a hero in his life and runs to me with reckless abandon every day after school. He got gut-punched a year and a half ago through my separation, though I’m helping him learn and heal, while I’m also the one that’s learning to listen to his heart and feel ings, inevitably helping show him how to regulate his own big emotions.

“You’re my hero, Dad” has always been the pinnacle of fatherhood gifts, though in this process of showing him how, I’m finding that he’s in fact becoming mine.

Michael Morrell, father, creative and relentless, works with single dads trying to affect positive change, impact and relationship with their kiddos.

Something for the whole family!

From skating and swimming to fitness classes and our weight rooms*, there’s something for every member of your active family *15+, 13+ with a youth orientation

Halloween Skate

Put on your Halloween costumes and head over to the Archie Browning Sports Centre in Esquimalt on Sunday, October 29 between 1pm and 2pm for a spooky ice-skating session! Everyone is welcome to skate during this time but kids wearing their costumes get in for free!

esquimalt.ca/community-events/events-listing/ calendar/halloween-skate

Dog Man: The Musical

The Cowichan Performing Arts Centre is proud to present Dog Man: The Musical on Tuesday, October 25. If your kids are fans of the series Dog Man by Dave Pilkey, they’ll love Dog Man: The Musical! This 90minute show is suitable for ages 6 and up and will entertain both kids and adults. Get your tickets now!

cowichanculture.ca/show/591363/view

Scarecrow Spectacular

The Milner Gardens and Woodland Scarecrow Spectacular in Qualicum Beach is an awesome way to spend time with family and get in the Halloween spirit! Wear your costume, wander the Scarecrow Lane through the Haunted Gardens, and don’t forget to vote for your favourite scarecrow. Visit from October 27 to October 29 from 11am to 3pm. visitparksvillequalicumbeach.com/events/milner-gardenswoodland-scarecrow-spectacular

Campbell River Witchy Market

Visit the Crow’s Nest Artist Collective on Saturday, October 28 from 6pm to 10pm and have a spooky time at this year’s Witchy Market. This family-friendly event will have local craftspeople, Halloween themed snacks, and activities such as face painting, card reading and costume contests.

hunthalloween.com/event/2023-campbell-riverwitchy-market-eid4a7d4v9q39

Sooke: 250-642-5152 ext 239 West Shore: 250-940-4882

Cowichan Valley: 250-746-4135 local 231

PacificCare (Ladysmith North): 250-756-2022 or 1-888-480-2273

NANAIMO & AREA

COWICHAN VALLEY

COMOX VALLEY

GREATER VICTORIA

PRESCHOOL & CHILDCARE SPOTLIGHT

Cloverdale

SEEDLINGS

Forest Education

Where nature becomes the Teacher!

Thriving Roots Wilderness School

Thriving Roots provides hands-on, wilderness education and counselling services for youth and adults. Our year-long programs and summer camps are immersive in nature, fostering connection to land and community through earth-based skills, play, music and more. thrivingroots.org info@thrivingroots.org

Christ Church Cathedral Childcare & Jr. Kindergarten 250-383-5132

ECE and specialist teachers provide an outstanding all day licensed program for 2.5–5 year olds at our Fairfield and Gordon Head locations. cathedralschool.ca

Half Day Daycare 9:15-2:15 Monday-Friday Families can register for: Monday-Friday, Monday, Wednesday, Friday or Tuesday and Thursday Preschool 9:30-1:30 4-year-old Class Monday. Wednesday and Friday 3-year-old Tuesday and Thursday For more information please visit our website: www.cloverdalechildcare.com register please email: cloverdale@shawbiz.ca 3427 Quadra St Victoria BC V8X 1G8

Licensed child care facility with spots available for children aged 3-5 years. Contact us to book a tour today!

Social Innovation Centre: 1004 North Park St littlephoenixchildcare.ca

Nestled on 4 acres of lush west coast forest, our Award winning, Nature based program will not disappoint! While firmly embracing the Reggio-Emila (Italy) Philosophy our dedicated team of educators use the environment as the third teacher as we encourage your child throughout their day. Our purpose built facilities have been handmade using the trees from our forest. Come take a virtual tour on our website! lexieslittlebears.ca Waitlist: 250-590-3603

BC Award of Excellence in Childcare & Prime Minister’s Award of Excellence in Early Childhood Education.

Family

Favourites

The Family Favourites results are in! Who has the best products, services and experiences? We asked and you answered. Developed to recognize quality family retailers and service providers in our community. Our readers were invited to vote online at islandparent.ca for their family favourites in 37 categories. The response was phenomenal. Thank you to everyone who voted and sent us such wonderful feedback. We have tallied your votes—here are your 2023 Island Parent Family Favourites!

Favourite Food Service

FOOD TRUCK

Winner: Songhees Food Truck

Runners Up: Taco Justice, Deadbeetz Burgers

ICE CREAM SHOP

Winner: Beacon Drive-In

Runners Up: Parachute Ice Cream, Cold Comfort

HAMBURGERS

Winner: Bin 4

Runners Up: Red Robin, Big Wheel Burger

PIZZA

Winner: Pizzeria Prima Strada

Runners Up: Famoso, Oregano’s

VEGAN

Winner: Green Cuisine

Runners Up: Be Love, Rebar

ETHNIC

Winner: Foo Asian Street Food

Runners Up: Sizzling Tandoor, Bao

FAMILY DINING

Winner: Romeo’s

Runners Up: Frankie’s Modern Diner, The Old Spaghetti Factory

FOOD PREP SERVICE

Winner: Fresh Prep

Runners Up: Wolf Meal Prep, Local Urban Bites

Favourite Retail

CHILDREN’S CLOTHING

Winner: Once upon a child

Runners Up: Children’s Place, Carter’s

BABY

Winner: TJ’s

Runners Up: Huckleberry, Momease

TOYS

Winner: Mastermind

Runners Up: Kaboodles, The Red Balloon Toy Shop

CONSIGNMENT

Winner: Once upon a child

Runners Up: A to Z Kids, Sailor Jack

GROCERY

Winner: Thrifty Foods

Runners Up: Red Barn Market, Country Grocers

HEALTH & ORGANIC

Winner: Lifestyle Markets

Runners Up: Healthy Essentials, Whole Foods

FARMERS MARKET

Winner: Peninsula Market

Runners Up: Moss Street Market, Esquimalt Market

BOOKS

Winner: Bolen Books

Runners Up: Russell Books, Marmalade Books

PHARMACY

Winner: Heart Pharmacy

Runners Up: Cridge Pharmacy, Shoppers (Royal Oak)

PET STORE

Winner: Bosleys

Runners Up: a pet’s life, Healthy Spot

BIKE SHOP

Winner: Oak Bay Bike Shop

Runners Up: Westshore Bicycles, Fuka Cycles

CAR DEALERSHIP

Winner: Wheaton Chevrolet Victoria

Runners Up: Galaxy Motors, Howie’s Car Corral

Favourite

Personal Service

OPTOMETRIST

Winner: Optimization

Runners Up: Cordova Bay Optometry, Cadboro Bay Optometry

ORTHODONTICS

Winner: Oceans Edge Nanaimo

Runners Up: Shoreline, Dr. Kirk Bartlett

DENTIST

Winner: Sun River Dental

Runners Up: Westshore Dental, Colwood Dental

PHYSIOTHERAPIST

Winner: Tall Tree

Runners Up: Arbutus, Shelbourne

Favourite Children,s...

PRESCHOOL/CHILDCARE

Winner: Lexies Little Bears

Runners Up: Thriving Roots, Arts Calibre

ARTS OR THEATRE PROGRAM

Winner: Stages Dance

Runners Up: Theatre SKAM, Ballet Victoria

BIRTHDAY PARTY LOCATION

Winner: Ponies & Pipsqueaks

Runners Up: The Boulders Climbing Gym, Victoria Gymnastics

SUMMER CAMP

Winner: UVic Vikes

Runners Up: Victoria Gymnastics, Nanaimo Gymnastics

OVERNIGHT CAMP

Winner: Camp Qwanoes

Runners Up: Camp Imadene, Camp Narnia

SPORTS PROGRAM

Winner: Trident – Pacific FC

Runners Up: Canada’s Best Karate, Nanaimo Gymnastics

RECREATION CENTRE

Winner: Saanich Commonwealth Place

Runners Up: Westshore Parks & Recreation, Oak Bay Recreation

Favourite Outing

LIVE SPORTING EVENT

Winner: Harbour Cats

Runners Up: Pacific FC, Victoria Royals

PLAYGROUND

Winner: Cook Street

Runners Up: Courthouse, Beacon Hill

BEACH

Winner: Wittys Lagoon

Runners Up: Arbutus Cove, Spiral Beach

PARK

Winner: Beacon Hill Park

Runners Up: Fisherman’s Wharf Park, Holland Point Park

ATTRACTION

Winner: WildPlay

Runners Up: Butterfly Gardens, Bug Zoo

FAMILY GETAWAY

Winner: Tigh Na Mara

Runners Up: Manning Park, Harrison Hot Springs

&Tweens Teens

4 Ways to Balance Screen Time

Discord: The Know-It-All Guide

Helping Our Tweens & Teens Navigate Conflict

Discord: The Know-It-All Guide

Maybe you’ve noticed your teen is spending more time in their room, headphones firmly set over their ears and eyes set squarely on a computer screen. Or maybe they’re constantly sneaking peeks at their phones, thumbs tapping away and stifling laughs. One very likely answer: Discord. In the ever-evolving landscape of digital communication, Discord has emerged as a powerful platform that has brought people together in shared interests, hobbies and communities. With its roots in gaming, Discord has evolved into a versatile and user-friendly application that caters to a wide range of interests, from gaming groups to study groups, hobbyist communities and even businesses.

Discord’s Origins

Discord was founded by Jason Citron and Stanislav Vishnevskiy back in May 2015. Interestingly enough, the inspiration for Discord’s creation was the at-the-time archaic chat features for online video games. Citron, a gamer himself and an up-and-coming entrepreneur, envisioned a communication platform specifically for gamers. Gradually, though, the vision for what Discord would be was that

of a real-time communication space for communities of all shapes and sizes to thrive in.

How Discord Went Mainstream

What started off as a platform for gamers quickly grew out of its original niche and evolved into something else. Discord’s user-friendly interface, reliability and robust features quickly attracted people from various backgrounds. Even before it truly hit the mainstream, it became a go-to platform for organizing events, sharing knowledge and fostering online communities. In comparison to other social media platforms like Facebook and Instagram, Discord makes it very simple to meet and talk to new people; it’s as simple as searching up your preferred topic or interest, and you’ll get a long list of servers filled with people who’re extensively discussing that exact topic. This easy navigation combines with the very accessible design of the platform itself, making creating and maintaining your own server only needing a few clicks. But what really propelled Discord into the spotlight was the year we all had to spend indoors, and the world turned to the internet in greater numbers than ever before to communicate.

The New Stomping Ground

It’s no secret that video games are now one of the most popular pastimes of all time, captivating kids and adults alike. So it came as no surprise that people were playing video games more than ever during the various periods of lockdown throughout the pandemic. It also follows that Discord would see users skyrocket as well, with people looking for alternative ways to socialize in response to quarantine. Discord became the new hangout spot for lots of kids. It’s a place to chat, play video games, listen to music or even just share funny videos. With the move to online school, multiple video streaming platforms with text communication were used at first to replicate classroom discussion and homework assignments, but it didn’t take long for kids to start making Discord servers for specific classes, to share notes and ask one another questions. After that, it took even less time for schools across the country to start outright using Discord for online school in favour of the more well-known apps like Google Classroom and Zoom. Discord wasn’t just a private group chat for friends, it had evolved into a digital shopping mall that had school, your favourite stores to browse and your friend’s hangout spot all in one easy pack-

age. Even after the end of the pandemic and the return to normalcy, Discord remains a very important part of online life for kids and teens everywhere.

The Future of Socialization

With Discord almost accidentally incorporating itself into the daily lives of many young people, it has become one of the most popular places for them to communicate and express themselves that just aren’t possible in the real world. With the realm of possibilities that the internet had for social connection becoming a reality during the pandemic, it’s no wonder that it has become such an important part of young people’s lives. So, if you happen to see Discord on your teen’s phone or computer, take comfort in knowing that quality time with friends is still important to kids, even in the digital age.

Fletcher Look is a fourth year student at the University of Alberta currently studying English and Writing. He enjoys reading, tabletop games, video games and all things nerdy.

Helping Our Tweens & Teens Navigate Conflict

The “tweens” (between the ages of 8 or 9 and 12) are rough. Carefree childhood innocence rapidly slips away as kids encounter higher expectations at school and home, an ever-widening sense of a chaotic world outside themselves, confusing hormonal and physical changes, and the increasing complexity of social interaction with their peers.

Suddenly, social spats aren’t simple: “Jane wouldn’t share the toy,” but can become complicated, multi-layered issues: “Jane was mad that I didn’t eat lunch with her, so she wouldn’t talk to me and told everyone not to be friends with me anymore. Then she said mean things about me on {insert social media du jour here} and now everyone hates me.”

How do we help our kids get through this incredibly challenging time in a healthy way that promotes positive social skills?

Apart from making sure they are secure in our unconditional love, and helping them build genuine confidence in themselves, it’s essential that kids learn how to work through conflict constructively. There are several important skills and mindsets that we can help them build that will make this easier.

Over the year I noticed more students solving their own conflicts within the classroom, as well as increased empathy towards others, evidenced in their personal writing and even the way they spoke to each other.

Perspective-Taking and Empathy

Helping kids more fully understand how their actions affect others is something that can be practiced at home.

Books. When reading, you can discuss the characters’ feelings, and point out how several characters can feel differently about the same situation. Powerful “tween” books, told from multiple perspectives, are R.J. Palacio’s Wonder and Rob Buyea’s Because of Mr. Terupt.

Authenticity. Give them feedback when their words or actions have an emotional effect on you, positive or negative.

Drama—the Good Kind. Role-playing is a great tool for helping us see and understand peoples’ emotions and motivations. Act out social situations and discuss what you are thinking and feeling when, for

How We View Conflict

Conflict is a natural and unavoidable part of human interaction, but working through it isn’t always intuitive, or easy. When I was a rookie elementary school teacher, I struggled to help my Grade 6 students sort out daily drama.

I attended several workshops on Restorative Justice and conflict resolution, and learned to view conflict not as “right” versus “wrong” but as two people wanting or needing different things. Resolving conflict isn’t about punishment or exacting revenge—it’s about making sure that everyone’s experience is heard and acknowledged, and that they find a way to move forward from the conflict in a way that meets everyone’s needs.

Our school formed a “Peace Squad”—a group of students, many from my class, trained to help mediate playground conflicts. This wasn’t a miracle cure for conflict and, obviously, there were issues (physical altercations, and bullying, among them) that mediators had to refer to adult supervisors. Sometimes students weren’t interested in participating when they realized that the other kid wasn’t going to get in “trouble.”

However, anyone involved in the process, whether as a mediator or someone in conflict, came away from it seeing that there is an alternative to the pervasive idea that if someone “wrongs” you, they need to be “punished.”

example, your best friend decides to sit with someone else at lunch. How might you react? What are some alternative ways of handling the situation?

Boost Emotional Awareness

Being able to describe how someone’s actions make you feel is an essential key to finding satisfying resolutions to conflict, but many kids struggle with a limited emotional vocabulary.

Labelling. We can help our kids develop and expand their emotional awareness, starting with labelling and talking about our own emotions. We can also provide a safe space and opportunities for them to practice.

Visual Aids. My four-year-old has a calendar with emotion magnets, and every day when we change the date, weather, and day of the week, he also takes a moment to think about how he’s feeling and picks a face. Sometimes we get into the “why” of his emotions, but just labelling them is a great start.

Shared Journal. If your tween isn’t yet comfortable with verbalizing their feelings, you could try keeping a shared journal (with a list of emotion words taped inside the cover for easy reference). There are some beautifully-designed journals out there for this purpose, full of creative prompts. Some are even fill-in-the-blank.

Games. Emotion charades and other activities derived from theatre sports can help your child develop and strengthen their ability to read facial expressions and body language.

A lot of kids have difficulty with tone and emphasis. They might repeat something funny a TV character says and not understand why their classmate finds it hurtful (it might be said with a sarcastic tone). You can make a game of saying the same sentence in different ways and trying to guess the speaker’s intent or emotion. For example, “What are you doing?” vs “What are you doing?” communicate different messages.

Calming Strategies

Learning and practicing calming techniques (mindful breathing, counting, visualization, positive self-talk) helps us be rational and receptive instead of reactive. You can help your child to determine which strategies are most useful for them and encourage them to practice when you see they are agitated.

Acknowledge Mistakes… and Grow

When conflict occurs, it’s important to work through it so that everyone can move forward peacefully. We can’t change what happened, but we can decide to learn and make different choices in the future. To do this we need to acknowledge our own part in conflict.

No one wants to believe their child is capable of causing hurt to another, but it happens every day. Not because they are “bad,” but because they are learning. If your child is involved in a conflict, take time to hear the whole story of what transpired. Encourage them to own their actions and be part of a solution. Just as in any new subject, they are going to make mistakes and that’s when they need our support the most—to help them grow positively from a negative experience.

Schools are beginning to teach emotional and social skills more explicitly within an evolving curriculum, but developing empathy, emotional awareness, self-regulation, and problem-solving skills starts with parents. They watch us for cues, and if we negotiate our own conflicts constructively this goes a long way to helping them get through the trials and tribulations of Tweenhood.

Kelly McQuillan is a writer, musician, teacher and fledgling mother living in Comox. kellymcquillanwriter. weebly.com, music teacher: kellymcquillan.com

Be a Role Model

4 Ways to Balance Screen Time Around Children

Kids learn how to use technology by watching their parents and caregivers, so model healthy habits early.

One of the advantages of modern technology is that you can be at the playground and scroll through your phone at the same time. We’ve all been there. We answer emails, catch up on group chats and try to get in that one last text. The thing is, children notice. They’re watching us, watching how we use devices.

Lots of studies show the effects of screen time on kids and there are guidelines for how much is appropriate at what age. More importantly, kids learn their screen habits from us. But it’s common for many parents and caregivers to be distracted by their phones when spending time with their children. These tips can help you balance your own tech use and model healthy habits for the kids.

Set device-free times and zones. When kids are around, set an example by using tech the way you want them to use it. Keep phones away from the dinner table, try not to multitask while using devices and turn the TV off when no one is watching.

Establish screen-time goals for yourself. The secret to healthy tech use is to establish limits and stick to them. Try using your phone’s screen-time features to track how long you use it. Then set some goals for how you’d like to be using your phone when spending time with

family. Be mindful if you find yourself constantly responding to emails and messages during your downtime. Before you check your phone, ask yourself: Why am I checking my phone? If you don’t have a good reason, put it down. And if you do pick up your phone in front of the kids, try to explain what you’re doing. That way, they know you’re using it for a reason.

Keep distractions to a minimum. You probably tell your kids to turn off their devices during homework time. Get rid of the stuff that distracts you, too. Limit notification alerts when spending time as a family, or set your devices to “do not disturb.” Try to avoid using devices around your children on long commutes and journeys or at appointments, too.

Watch and play movies, shows, and games together. Whenever you can, watch, play and listen with your kids. Ask questions that get them thinking, like Who’s your favorite character? What do you think will happen next? This is a great way to have discussions about your values. It will also help kids make connections between what they see on screen and their lives. With older kids, you can draw them out by sharing stuff from your social media accounts.

Originally posted in Common Sense Media, October 2022.