Tweens & Teens Vol V, Ed I by Island Parent Group

&Tweens Teens

What Age Is Best for Your Tween or Teen to Have a Cell Phone?

”EVERYONE has a cell phone but ME,” whined my twelve-year-old daughter.

“Your twin brother doesn’t have one either,” I responded.

Avariation of this same conversation had been going on between us for years. Since my twins had lost their North Face jacket, DS games, and other expensive items, I wasn’t too keen to shell out hundreds of dollars for a cell phone.

I knew what my daughter was saying was true, that most of her friends had a cell phone. According to Techcrunch, the average age a child gets their first smartphone is age 10. Another survey found that children received smartphones as young as age six. Despite the statistics and my daughter’s

perpetual whining, I didn’t feel that was a reason for me to buy a cell phone. I finally caved when my twins turned thirteen years old—but not because they were the only ones without cell phones. I did it because it was easier for me for them to have phones.

When they turned 13 years old, they entered high school. At their school, they had the opportunity to stay after class to participate in activities or sports. Sometimes they also received extra help from their teachers which meant varying pick-up times between the two of them.

The frequent changes became confusing (for all of us) and required them to go to the office to use the school phone which meant they missed out on classes. It was much easier for me to send a quick text asking, “What time do you need me to pick you up?” rather than

Cheryl Maguire holds a Master of Counseling Psychology degree. She is the mother of twins and a daughter. Her writing has been published in The New York Times, Parents Magazine, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Count Your Blessings and many other publications. You can find her at Twitter @CherylMaguire05.

waiting to hear from them. Or it was easier for me to ask, “Where are you?” instead of frantically calling the school to try to figure it out.

WHAT AGE IS BEST FOR YOUR TWEEN OR TEEN TO HAVE A CELL PHONE?

The answer to this question will be different for every family and even kids within the same family since maturity levels vary for all kids. Here are some factors to consider: Responsible Behaviors: Cell phones are expensive and enable your children to have access to the Internet, so you want to make sure your kid demonstrates responsible behavior by keeping track and caring for material items before you allow them to have their own device. You also want to make sure they can be responsible regarding Internet safety.

Safety: According to the CDC, almost half of all homes did not have landlines. If your tween or teen stays home alone without a landline then they may need a cell phone so they can call 911 or another emergency line if necessary. Your child may also feel safer knowing they are able to contact you when they are alone. There may be other situations when

they would be safer if they had a cell phone such as walking alone to/from the bus stop. Convenience: The more involved your tween or teen becomes in activities, the easier it will be for both of you if your child has a cell phone for communication. Instead of calling the school or their friends’ parents, you will be able to contact them directly to find out where they are or when they need to be picked up.

QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER

• Has your child been able to keep track of expensive items (such as jackets, headphones, iPad) for the past month?

• Has your child used good judgement when using the Internet (you can check their search history or opened apps)?

• Does your child follow rules and limits within the home and school?

• Is your child respectful of other people?

• In general, do you feel like you can trust your child?

• In general, do you feel like your child is responsible?

• Does your child walk and wait at the bus stop alone?

• Are there times when your child is alone at home?

• Is your child involved in multiple activities?

BUYING A CELL PHONE FOR YOUR CHILD

If you answered mostly “yes” to the above questions, it might be the right time for you to purchase a cell phone for your kid. Before purchasing the cell phone, discuss with your child how they can demonstrate being responsible by keeping track of their phone and using the Internet safely. You can also let them know that you will be checking their phone to make sure they are being responsible and respectful when using the Internet. You can also remind them that using a cell phone is a privilege.

My twins have had their cell phone for almost a year now and they have managed to not lose it or break it. The communication between us has been easier when I’ve had to transport them to all their many activities. And it’s nice to not hear my daughter whining about wanting a cell phone. I figure I have about a two-year reprieve until she starts up again about wanting a car.

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10 Things You May Not Know About Adopting a Teen

When most people think about adoption, they think about babies. The truth is, there are hundreds of British Columbian teens who are also waiting for a permanent family.

In 2020, almost 450 youth aged out of foster care. This means that 450 youth were forced to navigate adulthood without the support of a family to lean on. 450 youth with no one to walk them down the aisle or visit for the holidays.

Until recently, it was uncommon for teens to be placed for adoption. Today, we recognize that all kids do best when they are part of a loving, stable family. Here are ten facts about teen adoption that may surprise you.

1. Most teens WANT to be adopted.

Social worker Anne Melcombe once asked a group of former foster kids if they would have liked to have been adopted. One man, 23 years old, 280 lbs, and covered in tattoos, held up his hand and said, “You bet. I still would!”

There is a misconception that teens don’t want to be adopted. Oftentimes, a teen’s initial disinterest in being adopting comes from a fear of losing their current community or of their placement not working out. The success that Anne has in finding families for teens convinces her that not only do teens want to be adopted, there are also families who want to adopt them.

2. Teens in foster care aren’t there because they’ve done something “wrong.”

“Too often people assume that teens in foster care are monsters

and that they are in care because they’ve done something wrong, which is not the case,“ Anne says. The teens in care aren’t bad kids, they’ve just had bad things happen to them–through no fault of their own.

3. Unconventional families can be a GREAT fit for teens.

Single parents, older parents, two unrelated people who live together, LGBTQ2+ families, people who live in apartments or in the middle of nowhere can all be great fits for teens from care. It doesn’t matter what type of family unit you have, as long as you are ready to bring unwavering love, commitment, and patience to your adoption journey.

4. Teens get to be a part of the decision-making process, too!

All teens 12 and over must legally consent to an adoption in BC. This means that your teen is an active part of the decision-making process. While it may not always feel like your teen wants to be a part of your family, it is important to remember that every teen who is adopted has committed to becoming a part of the family, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. And once they’re a part of your family, teens get to contribute to the bonding process in a meaningful, intentional way. Says adoptive parent Rebecca N., “Tweens and teens can engage in support and therapies in a pretty amazing, productive way.”

5. There are still plenty of “firsts” you can experience with a teen.

You may not experience your child’s first steps or first words, but the teen years are still full of firsts: the first job, first driving lesson, first tattoo (maybe!). Plus, all the “firsts” of new activities and traditions together as a family. Says Rebecca N., “There is so much potential for creativity, athleticism, musicality, and other talents given the opportunity to explore those endeavours. We are constantly amazed by what our teen is capable of accomplishing.”

6. Adults who work with young people are often great candidates to adopt a teen.

Teen adoption can be a great choice for prospective parents who already have experience working with young people. Adoptive mom Rebecca N. says that her background as a sexual health nurse allowed her to dive into conversations about health and safety much more easily. Rebecca’s teen echoes this: “Something that makes a good adoptive parent for a teen is that you feel you can talk about things you’re comfortable with sharing.” While certainly not a requirement for pursuing a teen adoption, having a background in working with tweens and teens can make prospective adoptive parents a great fit for teen adoption.

7. Personality and likes/dislikes factor in when it comes to teen placements.

If you’re active hikers and campers, you have a better chance of matching with a teen who likes the outdoors. Prefer to stay close to home? There’s a homebody out there waiting for a family like yours.

8. There’s a lot of financial assistance available for families adopting a teen.

Did you know BC offers a tuition waiver program at all 25 publicly funded post-secondary institutions, and most teen adoptees are eligible for the waiver? Beyond the waiver, lots of scholarships and bursaries are also available.

9.

Parental leave covers teen adoption, too!

Parental leave isn’t just for parents of newborns. Standard parental benefits can be paid for 35 weeks after a child is placed for the purpose of adoption. Two parents can share the 35 weeks of standard parental benefits. For more information, visit the Government of Canada website, or contact your local Services Canada office.

10. Teens are never too old for a forever family.

If a family came along that wanted to adopt you as an adult, would you consider it? For Chris, the answer is an unequivocal yes. “Right now, if I don’t get housing or I lose it at some point in the future, I don’t know that there’s anyone I can really turn to for help,” adds Chris.

Did you know there are routes to permanency for teens who have aged out of care in BC? Youth from foster care or adult step-children who are 19 or older can be adopted by other adults who supported them before they turned 19. And families who come together after a youth turns 19 can participate in a moral adoption.

To learn more about adoption in BC, visit bcadoption.com

Elana Mabrito for the Adoptive Families Association of BC (AFABC). For over 40 years, AFABC has promoted and supported adoption in BC, helped caring adults become adoptive and permanency parents, helped families thrive and supported youth in and from government care.

Ways to Improve Parent & Teen Communication

“Mom please stop interrogating me.”

My daughter says this to me more often than I care to admit. I ask a lot of questions because she does not give me much information. So I’m left wondering, how could I change?

As a mother of twin 15-year-olds, I often struggle to find ways to effectively communicate with them.

A recent research study shared by the Journal of Pediatrics explores ways for parents to improve communication with their teens. In the study, Dr. Victoria Miller, psychologist, and author of the study explains some prompts that help parents and their teens promote reciprocal communication instead of one-way interactions. She also discusses common mistakes parents of teens make when trying to talk to them.

COMMON PARENTING COMMUNICATION MISTAKES

Focusing only on problems. “One of the biggest mistakes parents make is that they tend to focus only on problems like when our teens make a mistake or don’t live up to our expectations, rather than also communicating with them about their teens’ strengths and what is going well. We can sometimes forget to do that in the busyness of daily life,” says Dr. Miller.

Asking too many questions or offering unsolicited advice. Dr. Miller explains that another mistake parents make is giving advice and lecturing which can backfire and cause teens to shut down–especially when they didn’t ask for advice. It can teach them that they can’t handle problems on their own which can get in the way of their confidence. It is better to wait until they ask for advice.

Teens can feel that parents are too controlling when they ask too many questions. They can also feel as if they are being interrogated instead of having a conversation, causing them to shut down.

Letting emotions get out of control. Dr. Miller says that when your teen comes to talk to you about a problem, it can be difficult to hide your emotions. She suggests trying not to get angry or upset but instead focus on the fact that they were willing to talk with you. This will help to keep those lines of communication open by listening and offering guidance when asked.

Turn off “the parent alarm.” Parents may react emotionally when their teen tells them something upsetting.

“When your teen comes to you saying something like, ‘Tom asked me out,’ a parent’s first reaction might be, ‘My daughter’s too young to date.’ Instead, try to use this opportunity to navigate conversations about how to have a healthy relationship,” says Dr. Miller.

Don’t over-empathize. Dr. Miller says it may seem counterintuitive to not over-empathize with your teen. But it can backfire. She offers the example that if your child comes to you and says they got in a fight with their best friend, you might want to jump to the rescue and say “Good riddance! I didn’t like them anyway, you’re better off without them.” But if they make up the next day, your child may be too embarrassed to come to you and say they resolved their differences.

WAYS TO IMPROVE COMMUNICATION

According to Dr. Miller, one reason parents make these mistakes is that there is a lot of negative portrayals of teens in the media and in our culture.

“You get the eye roll, ‘Oh well she’s a teenager.’ Which can cause parents to really worry about the teenage years and focus on the problems because they worry about their teens and they want them to do well and succeed,” says Dr. Miller.

It is important to remember that it is normal for parents to have some challenges communicating with their teens.

Focus on how teens years are an exciting time. Most teens are well-adjusted and have good relationships with their families, peers, and they contribute to their communities.

“I think shifting the focus on how well adjusted most teens are and remembering that adolescence is a positive time in development will help to improve communication with your teen,” says Dr. Miller.

Focus on strengths. “It is important to notice and talk with your teen about his or her strengths,” says Dr. Miller.

She explains that strengths don’t mean what they are good at or what they have achieved but rather the qualities about your teen that will contribute to becoming a healthy productive adult. For example, if your daughter is a star soccer player think about what it is that makes her good at it like her work ethic or being a good team player.

“It feels good to notice what is going well for our kids instead of

worrying about that test that didn’t go well or that she is upset with something with a friend,” says Dr. Miller.

Allow for independence. Dr. Miller explains that during adolescence teens are trying to separate themselves from their parents so they might do those things like walk away when you are trying to have a conversation, or keep 10 feet behind you at the mall, or focus on their phone when you are trying to have a conversation.

“This is really because teens need to see themselves as different and separate from their parents in order to figure out who they are and to become more independent. This can make parents feel like they don’t matter but that couldn’t be further from the truth,” she says.

Use conversation prompts. In Dr. Miller’s research study she uses conversation prompts to help the parent and teen facilitate conversations that focus on strengths. The parent/teen pair are instructed to take 10 minutes together and look at examples of strengths and then come back together and talk about it.

Dr. Miller explains that prompts included things like:

Why did you choose these strengths for you and the other person?

Give examples of ways the other person demonstrates these strengths you choose.

Did the other person choose strengths that you didn’t expect?

“They both gave strengths for each other which was the reciprocal aspect of the intervention that was really interesting and unique,” says Dr. Miller.

She explains that shifting to the positive can help parents and kids feel better. It doesn’t mean your teen doesn’t have weaknesses, but the key is to support your teen and use their strengths to address those limitations.

She also stresses that it is important to shift your thinking of strength from achievement and what you are good at to who you are as a person.

Period Prep Tips for Teens

“Mom, where do babies come from?” My precocious five-year-old is looking at me in the rearview mirror. She has impeccable timing, of course. It is just the two of us driving along a busy road with nowhere to pull over. My mind races with all the teachings I learned as a child, all from books by Peter Mayle to Judy Blume. I was not prepared to have this chat now.

I muddle my way through what I hoped was age-appropriate. I kept it simple. She nodded and asked if we could stop for French fries. I happily fulfilled that request, feeling like I dodged the bullet of giving her a full sex-education talk on the fly. It was clear that I had work to do before the next big inquiry. What I found in my research was a wealth of information to help my kids and myself.

I was young when I started my cycles. I thought it was odd until my research discovered that it wasn’t early at all. Family history can play a factor, but not always. According to HealthLink BC, “Girls usually start having menstrual periods between the ages of 11 and 14.” Since my kids were still in elementary school, I thought I had more time until I read, “It can happen as early as age 9 or up to age 15.”

Flashes of my own awkward moments at school—including having to tie a jacket around my waist to hide surprising arrivals, no vending machines in the girls’ bathroom, or sneaking tampons to my friends during class—motivated me to find ways for my kids to not have those same experiences. I had to figure out how to teach them without being tuned out. I asked my friends, who had already had teenagers for advice. I started at my local bookstore where I discovered the American Girl series, The Care and Keeping of You. The books contain a head-to-toe guide with visuals about what is happening to their bodies. They also include a part on feelings about what might happen. They cover body changes too,

Danielle Christopher has contributed to many websites and has essays in Anthologies Worth 1000 Words, Parenting with PTSD, Parenting Without Judgement and Wisdom Has A Voice. Danielle lives with her two kids, two cats and one husband in Langley, BC. Twitter: @DanielleASigne.

including tips, how-to’s, and facts from experts (other than mom).

Beginning the conversations with the books helped a lot. It didn’t feel like I was lecturing. We flipped through a few pages. I showed them where I put the books on the bookshelf for reference. When my youngest was in Grade 3, she had a classmate who started her period at age 8. These conversations needed to happen.

After getting the kids armed with knowledge and supplies at home, I had to figure out how to make sure they were prepared for school too. I remembered hiding a pad in the sleeve of my arm when asking to use the bathroom. You didn’t want to bring your bag because everyone would know what was going on with you.

I prepped a full kit (spare underwear, wipes, plastic bag, Tylenol) for her backpack. She knew about her body and the changes coming up. I told her about the period kit (disguised as a pencil case) that I put in her backpack. She refused to take it to school saying, “No one has one, mom.” I was stumped on what to do. I posed the question to one of my mom groups on Facebook. One mom, Carla, said she got her kids to include the kit in their bags in case a friend needed it. That worked!

When it came time to help my youngest prepare, I took an altered version of what I did for her sister. I got The Care and Keeping of You books out and read them with her. I read a social story about puberty with her on her augmentative alternative communication (AAC) device. Like her sister, I got a kit for her backpack that included period underwear. I let her team know at school where it was located. She had no prob-

lem transitioning into undergarments. I was hopeful that she had observed enough to be ready when her period arrived. I have since purchased Dr. Jen Gunter’s book, The Vagina Bible. It is filled with menstrual hygiene topics, myths and more. As my kids become mature teenagers, I hope they continue to get their information from reliable sources, and not social media if they don’t want to ask mom or a trusted adult. Looking back to that first conversation in the car, I realize that we have done something right as parents. Our kids can ask us anything. We have always had the rule that if you tell the truth, you don’t get into trouble. They covered so much in prenatal classes, why not extend it to what to do years after you bring them home from the hospital?

Giving Tweens the Gift of Backcountry

Probably the greatest gift my father ever gave me was our backcountry trips. I don’t remember much about the preparation for those trips–it seemed like we simply got in his ancient Peugeot equipped with sausages and juice crystals and off we went.

I knew that I wanted my own children to have the same experiences I remembered from my time in the BC wilderness, so I decided it was time to take our girls (ages nine and twelve) with my experienced and capable husband on a backcountry canoe trip. I knew it would be a great gift to them, particularly during a time when travel was restricted. A canoe trip to the iconic Bowron Lake was sure to be memorable.

I started planning for the trip when I made a BC Parks reservation. Once I gained access to the reservation date in late July, I decided to then work on booking a cabin for us to stay at both at the beginning and end of the trip. I booked a cabin at Becker’s Lodge located on

Bowron Lake, which turned out to be a brilliantly run accommodation. I also downloaded the MEC gear list. I looked for information online, but more helpful were books that I borrowed from friends and the library.

As a teacher, I couldn’t resist having some knowledge and area history to pass on to my kids as we travelled. Once we had bought, rented and borrowed the gear we needed and secured rental of a cabin at the beginning and end of the trip, the day arrived. We drove from the Lower Mainland for the better part of a day to Bowron Lake Provincial Park.

The trip began with an orientation at the trailhead with the park ranger. We weighed our gear and, as expected, we had to carry the backpacks. The food was allowed to be stored in the canoes as we wheeled them along the trail. Our first portage was a challenge as we had yet to figure out balancing our canoes on the wheels. We paddled tiny Kibbe Lake and then completed a short portage, which took

us to beautiful Indian Point Lake. We camped on Indian Point Lake with another family at the campsite beside us. It was a beautiful spot overlooked by mountains on all sides and we were lucky that the site did not have many bugs. We swam during the warm afternoon and enjoyed the sunset.

Our second day consisted of a paddle through the rest of Indian Point lake and a gorgeous shallow area. I knew that if we missed the west side of the circuit as a result of the wildfires that were burning there, we may not have seen the wildlife that grazed the grassy shallows. It turned out that there were many grassy areas on the east side, though. There, we saw beaver houses, eagles, fish, loons, and many plants. At the end of Indian Point Lake was a floating dock that led us to the largest lake on the Bowron Lakes circuit: Isaac Lake.

This is where we got our fishing gear out and on the first day, we caught a gorgeous

rainbow trout. I am not much of a fisherperson, but my older daughter was keen and so we tried our luck using borrowed fishing gear. We caught and ate three tasty rainbow trout in total, frying them on our little stove. Near the end of Isaac Lake, where we had to turn around at the head of the Isaac River due to the fires on the west side, we spotted a cow moose and her two calves.

One morning, we spotted a black bear meandering along the shore. While we were lucky that the park was quiet this year, part of the joy in backcountry travel included the rangers and other paddlers we connected with along the way.

The weather was remarkably warm on our trip, and I do think that trips are that much better when the weather is good. Through the rain and smoke we encountered during the last few days of our trip, we were comfortable in our rain gear and we also used the woodburning stove one evening in the public cabin on Kibbe Lake.

The girls and I wrote in a notebook every evening. We played cards, and we looked at our map since there is no service anywhere in the park for electronic devices. The evenings provided quiet time to reflect on the day and connect with each other.

I feel immensely grateful that we were able to spend time in Bowron Lake Provincial Park this past summer. After we returned home, some of our friends shared that they had thought that we were over-ambitious. Yet, with good planning and our own past experience, it was a wonderful trip. Being in the backcountry together turned out to be the gift I had hoped it would be for my tweens.

Behaviour Support Services

Specializes in supporting children with autism, intellectual or developmental disabilities.

Genevieve Taylor is a high school English teacher who lives in North Vancouver with her husband and two daughters.

How to Organize Your Tween/Teen’s Bedroom

According to the Canadian Mental Health Association, youth are doing more today than ever before, and are feeling the accompanying stress. While their minds and bodies are going through dramatic changes, they are also tasked with balancing the demands of school, volunteering, jobs, homework, sports/ activities, family obligations, social pressures and finding time for friends.

A survey conducted by Kids Help Phone (Teens Talk: A Report on Youth Issues 2015) showed that 42 percent of teens are stressed, with that number increasing to 50 percent among 18-year-olds.

Now, what if that tween/teen’s bedroom, intended to be their sanctuary, is also a cluttered mess?

According to the Professional Organizers of Canada, 83 percent of Canadians indicate they are extremely disorganized, and 91 percent feel clutter negatively affects their lives. With Netflix shows like Tidying Up with Marie Kondo and Get Organized with The Home Edit, the topic of clutter has become a cultural obsession, one that is well-documented, and proven to be a source of stress and anxiety. When we get clutter (excessive visual stimuli) out of the way, we create space for the life we want to live.

Michelle Dunn is the founder of ORDER WITHIN REACH—a luxury professional organizing and styling service that transforms homes into bespoke clutter-free havens. She is a Trained Professional Organizer who has completed the Marie Kondo KonMari Consultant Certification Course. Learn more at orderwithinreach.ca (IG: @orderwithinreach).

The new school year is underway, and tweens/teens are back in the classroom. Now is a great time to sit down with them to discuss the life-changing benefits of getting their bedroom organized for good mental health, and a productive school experience. They will take the skills learned today in decluttering, organizing, and setting up systems, with them to university and beyond. Helping your teen/tween choose some new personal touches for their bedroom that reflect their personality and age/stage, can go a long way in building the parent/teen relationship.

Some of the side benefits to getting a teen’s room in order include fewer fights, and no need to tidy their room before the cleaning company arrives!

Parents and teens should approach this project by thinking of the tween/teen bedroom as their own “apartment,” with zones for specific activities.

POSSIBLE BEDROOM ZONES:

1. Sleeping

2. Studying

3. Reading

5. Getting dressed

6. Getting ready

7. Hobbies

8. Entertaining

9. Laundry

HOW TO ORGANIZE AND SET UP A BEDROOM OR SPACE

1. Create a plan. Collaborate on an organizational and design plan for their bedroom–this doesn’t have to be expensive. Ask questions to uncover what interests and passions they would like their room to reflect and define how they want to use the space. Determine what furniture, organizing tools, decor or other items are missing from the room to achieve the goal, and create a shopping list. For getting ready, consider adding a full length and/or makeup mirror, to keep guests off the bed include extra seating, and provide a hamper to keep dirty clothes contained. Go online for some design inspiration and have fun!

2. Edit and declutter. As you work through each section of the room, take everything out and place similar items together to get a clear picture of the current inventory and to figure out where the gaps are. Have large clear plastic bins and heavy-duty garbage bags on hand. Your teen should touch each item and determine if they need, like, or use it, and then place it into the correct bin or bag based on whether they will keep, toss, donate, or sell it.

Questions to ask when choosing what to keep:

Do I need it?

Do I use it?

Does it fit?

Is it sentimental?

Would I buy it again?

Does it make me happy (spark joy)?

3. Organize. Now that you know the room’s inventory, you can start to build zones that add structure and purpose. Ensure there is a flow to the space and place the mostused items within easy reach. Put the grouped items together in containers and label them for when needed. Carefully measure spaces

before buying. To maximize space, opt for stylish and multifunctional furniture and storage systems. The goal is to make it easy for them to put items away.

4. Style. Help your teen/tween create a comfortable haven that will make them proud. Stylize and accessorize to reflect their desired aesthetic and have them display items that bring them joy. Leave physical and visual space around objects so that they are more easily seen, and don’t fill every nook or cover every surface.

5. Maintain and prevent. Care for items and put things back in their place. Commit to the new plan, habits, and routines, to avoid a reoccurrence of clutter. Put things away—not down—and continually declutter and shop mindfully in the future.

Be gentle with your teen/tween and don’t confuse a little mess with clutter. It’s about progress, not perfection. Teens are also more likely to listen if parents lead by example.

Organizing can be stressful and emotional. If you’re having challenges, consider hiring a professional organizer.

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