&TWEENS TEENS
Raising a Worker
The Pursuit of Their Own Normal
Abrilliant friend of mine has a magnet on her fridge that looks like an advertisement and it states in bold lettering, “I am the expert in my own normal.”
As a sexuality educator, I think this magnet could be the mantra for adolescence.
In the classes I am lucky enough to teach, students ask questions in genuine pursuit of normalizing their rapidly changing feelings, bodies and experiences. Whether students are asking questions about crushes, sexual orientation, gender identity, periods or genitals; they’re searching for information to affirm themselves as normal.
One of the greatest fears youth harbour is that their feelings, bodies, and experiences are every thing but normal. This is completely understandable when the one constant through this high pressure stage of life is change and often just as they become acquainted with their normal, things suddenly shift and they begin the process again.
As adults, one of the most impactful life learnings we can offer youth is to help them develop the understanding of their own normal. Their own normal will evolve as they learn and grow. As adults, we know that learning and trusting your own normal is central to our well-being and connection to others.
A simple yet effective practice that will promote expertise in their own normalcy is body literacy. Some of you may be wondering if body literacy is yet another newfangled term straight out of our pandemic vocabulary such as “circle back, pivot, and zoom fatigue?”
It’s not!
Body literacy simply refers to being educated about and familiar with your body and its processes. Being body literate involves using observation, knowledge and supporting resources to better understand and accept our own normal and engage in healthful practices for well-being.
As parents and adult allies, we can best support our youth with body literacy skills by reminding them to observe their own bodies and take notice of the changes they’re experiencing. We can engage and encourage youth in conversations about the changes they’re noticing with curiosity and without judgement.
Are they experiencing a long-hoped-for growth spurt or have they started a cycle bleed/period—what’s different than they expected or it was last year? A curiosity-based approach helps youth to adjust to the changes they experience with greater acceptance of bodies and their many functions as healthy and natural rather than weird and shameful.
Observation helps our youth to recognize when their bodies are feeling or working differently than they have before. This recognition helps them to know when they may need more information and when they may need to ask for outside support to manage. These observations will also help a health care provider with follow up care if it’s necessary.
Helping our youth increase their body literacy also involves making sure they have a solid level of factual knowledge to understand not only their bodies but the bodies of their peers, friends, and potential partners. When youth hold factual
knowledge, they are better able to compare their observations and follow through any gaps between what they’ve observed and what they understand to be happening.
Ensure that youth understand all of the anticipated developments and ways to manage these changes as they present (i.e. pubic hair, chest tissue development, and periods, etc.) whether they will happen specifically to their own body or not.
Creating space for community-held knowledge is one of the reasons current school-based sexuality education sessions involve youth of all sex assignments and gender identities together in sessions. Commonly held knowledge encourages responsibility, compassion, and empathy and normalizes all bodies and experiences.
In order for body literacy to be a useful skillset, we must partner observation and factual knowledge with an inventory of local reliable, accessible community health resources for youth. Offering youth resources such as youth centred websites, texting lines, print materials, and access to community-based clinics for youth will support their factual knowledge and help translate their skills and knowledge into action should their observation and knowledge inform them that they require health services for themselves or a friend.
A great place to start for youth-based health resources is an organization called The Foundry (foundrybc.ca) as they offer full service health services for youth in many communities throughout Vancouver Island and elsewhere in B.C.
Observation, factual knowledge and knowledge of youth specific resources make body literacy the ultimate antidote to the fears of not being normal can cause. Body literacy reminds youth that they are ultimately the experts of their own normalcy whether they choose to advertise it on a fridge magnet or not!
Jennifer Gibson, MA, is also known as “The Sex Lady”—officially now for over 17 years in Greater Victoria!—to the thousands of amazing youth and adults she is lucky to educate and learn with through her job as the Coordinator of Community Education at Island Sexual Health. She’s passionate about making sexuality education as positive, fun and non-cringe-able as possible.
Raising a Worker
It’s a tough job but we’ve all got to do it
Iused to work in the IT department at Island Health. We were fortunate to have a collaboration with my alma mater, the School of Health Information Science at the University of Victoria, and one of the best aspects of that collaboration was having a semi-regular, budget permitting, rotation of co-operative education students. I have fond memories of being a co-op student myself and have learned as much, or more, from interacting with co-op students as an employer, as I did as a student.
My big take away? Make sure your kids have at least one or two service-oriented jobs under their belts before they leave high school.
Think perfect grades, excelling at the top level in sport, or singing the perfect aria is more important than flipping burgers for spending money? Think again.
The students I met from the co-op program invariably came in two varieties. Those that got what it means to be a worker and those that didn’t. The ones that got it arrived on time, didn’t abuse the break policies, were eager to learn, and most of all grateful for the opportunity. They were, essentially, workplace ready.
The ones that didn’t get it wore entitlement like an ivy league sweatshirt. They expected to be spoon fed every step in every task, they thought their bosses had infinite time to go over partially done or badly done work, and they expected constant praise and accolades. They seemed burdened by office life.
Looking back, the difference between the students that got it and the ones that didn’t seemed to be in their work experience. I’m not talking about a first-year co-op student versus a fourth year, but whether or not they had on their resume work places where they might have uttered the phrase: “I can help you over here please,” or, “would you like fries with that?”
I started working in the “real world” when I was 12. My first job was berry picking. My dad would drop my friend
and me off at the farm at 8 a.m. and he’d pick us up at 5 p.m. We were the slowest pickers in the patch and there was at least one occasion when we wasted the product in an epic berry fight. But, for the most part, we plodded along, slowly picking our baskets full and bringing them in to be weighed - and to see how much money we’d made.
I earned $500 that month, which I spent on a gleeful shopping spree at the West Edmonton Mall on our summer vacation. The funds are long gone but the things I learned from that job are with me for a lifetime. I was humbled to watch the immigrant women we worked alongside. They picked about 10 times as many berries as we did, performing back breaking work in the direct sun, all day long. They didn’t complain, they just got on with the task at hand.
Hard work pays off. That was the main lesson I got from being paid by the
pound. That, and some people have to work much harder in this life than others. Working in environments where one works up an actual sweat is one of the best natural motivators for kids to do well in school. It is one thing to hear your parents say that life will be easier with some education or skills under your belt and another thing altogether to experience the daily rigour of real work in a job at the lower end of the pay scale.
Kids who work in service jobs are less likely to become horrible customers as adults. They will understand firsthand that store policies are not something the clerk in front of them has control over and temper their behaviour towards service workers with empathy.
Some key learnings kids gain from summer/after school jobs: • Responsibility. If I don’t show up others are impacted.
• Punctuality. If I’m not on time, it matters.
• Money sense. I had to work how long to make how much? And those sneakers cost what??
• Communication skills. When I fail to communicate effectively I face the consequences.
• Attitude. If I greet my customer with a smile they tend to respond well, if I provide poor service they complain about me.
If your child can’t get a job this summer because of fears of Covid 19, no job opportunities, or simply because they are too young, I encourage you to give them a job yourself—otherwise known as chores. With so much more time being spent at home these days and many of the usual kids’ activities curtailed, it is an ideal time to increase kids’ participation in domestic work. Chores can be paid or unpaid but should be work of real value. The goals are to encourage an understanding of what it takes to run a household and to teach important life skills.
Growing up, I used to envy my friends whose parents didn’t give them chores. Some parents were perfectionists and believed (correctly) that they could do a better job of the domestic duties. Others didn’t want to burden their children with tedious household tasks. These kids wound up having to learn really basic things like chopping vegetables, washing clothes and doing dishes as adults. I now believe I had an easier transition into household management having learned to cook and clean when my age was still in the single digits.
So, what chores should kids do? Plenty!
Age 3-6:
• Stand at sink with dad or mom and “help” with the dishes—this is mostly about playing with bubbles but it’s fun for them and they get to see how it’s done—and the pleasure of their company makes the job fun for mom or dad.
• Unload the dishwasher.
• Make their bed.
• Clean up toys.
• Put dishes in the dishwasher.
• Set/clear the table.
• Help with making school lunches.
Age 6-12:
• Wash laundry, fold it and put it away (or any portion thereof). When my daugh-
ter’s Grade 5 teacher asked the class who did their own laundry, my daughter was the only one to raise her hand—this is not a hard job, kids can, and I believe should, be participating in it.
• Wash cars.
• Vacuum, dust, clean bathrooms. My rule is if you use a toilet you should know how to clean it, my kids have both done this chore (only one time each, but, hey, it’s a start).
• Make school lunches independently. Kids are more likely to eat what they pack and most parents hate this chore— I’m not sure why, but then, I haven’t done it in a while.
• Kids cook dinner night. We like to have a night once a week where one parent and one kid are responsible for the dinner and don’t have to help clean up; the kid picks the meal and is responsible for making it—or learning and helping alongside the parent.
• Care for younger siblings.
• Help in the garden, mow the lawn.
• Paint a fence or participate other in other small household maintenance jobs.
• Help out at the grandparents’ place. A great way for a kid to show they care
and usually well rewarded with accolades, cookies and cash.
• Volunteer to do something for a neighbor.
Will your kids thank you for giving them chores to do? No Way! Probably never. I have not sat my parents down and said “hey, thanks for making me do all those dishes,” that would just be weird. But your job as a parent—and by the way, parenting is a job—is not to make your children happy at every given moment. It is to teach them morals and how to make their way in the world.
Raising your children to be a worker by encouraging them to get a summer job and by giving them chores to do at home will enhance their self-confidence and ultimately lead to their happiness and satisfaction in knowing if there is a job to do they have the ability to do it well.
Gina Safranyik is an IT Consultant and the mother of two children—when she isn’t busy working or wrangling kids, she enjoys reading, cooking, yoga, writing and going on walks with her husband and the family Border Terrier.
Mama Gets to Ask 3 Questions
Ionce read an article about raising teenagers which suggested that while parents believe asking questions is a sign of interest, teens find it annoying, an intrusion of privacy. It felt like a lose-lose situation. If I ask questions, I am not respecting my teenager’s right to privacy. If I don’t ask questions, it shows a lack of interest in them. Does anyone else long for the days of tiny hands and squishy faces? Life was much simpler then.
Not knowing what to do, I decided to go directly to the expert on teenagers in my house—my 14-year-old son.
have affectionately named “Mama Gets to Ask You Three Questions”. Here’s how you play:
1. My son has the right to pass on a question, if he feels it violates his privacy.
2. Answers must be truthful.
3. I only have 3 questions to ask but may request permission for clarification questions if necessary.
Let me illustrate how this works. Recently, in casual conversation, my son mentioned the name of a girl at school. This
“I ask you questions because I care about you and I want to know what’s going on in your life.”
“I know, Mom. I actually don’t mind your questions. It’s just annoying when you ask too many. It feels like an interrogation.”
(Truthfully, it kinda is an interrogation. It’s so strange to be on the periphery of your child’s life, not knowing the ins and outs of every moment of his day.)
My son and I worked together to create some ground rules so that my questions are less overwhelming. It’s a game we
Tweens & Teens
name was new, one I had never heard before, so I asked him about it.
“It’s a girl in one of my classes. We’re hanging out.”
Now I initiate the game, with his permission. “Can we play Mama Gets to Ask You Three Questions?”
“Sure,” he answers, with less enthusiasm than his mama, who is trying to harness her curiosity.
First question… “How did you approach this girl?”
My son went on to share that he walked up to her in the hallway, after class one day. He saw the girl standing with her friends and asked to speak to her for a moment. Then, he pro-
ceeded to tell her that he thought she was beautiful, smart, and funny and wanted to spend more time with her. (What a ballsy move! I love that he complimented her personality and brains as well as her looks. I am raising a good, confident man!)
“I have some follow up questions about that, but I don’t want them to count towards my 3. Is that okay?”
With his permission, I proceed to ask how he felt about being so forward. Was he nervous? What was her reaction? I also compliment him on approaching her in person, instead of just texting her.
He laughs, “Ya. That threw her off! But I don’t think you should ask a girl out over text.” (Again, proud Mama!)
Second question… “I am happy that you are hanging out. If, at some point, it starts to feel more serious, will you be comfortable sharing that with me?”
My children and I have spoken a lot about sex. We’ve spoken of the emotional complications of sex, the possible consequences of, different kinds of sex. I began that dialogue years ago, in hopes that we could remove the discomfort and normalize the conversation. I was wrong. It’s still awkward for all of us, but regardless, I think I have created an environment of honesty. (Side note: Talking about awkward topics in the car is helpful because the driver must keep eyes on the road. It removes the discomfort of intense eye contact. I’ve also invited my kids to text me any questions they have. It works!)
I wanted to use the second question as a reminder to my son that I am always here for him if he needs to talk. Chances are that he will not take me up on this offer, but I feel the need to make it, just the same.
I preface my third question with a disclaimer. “The next question is going to make you roll your eyes and say ‘Jeez, Mom!’ but I am going to ask it anyway. What is your understanding of consent?”
As predicted, he did roll his eyes, however, after he answered, this question led to a conversation about consent within the dynamics of marriage and marriage in general. And, it wasn’t just me doing the talking! My son was asking questions and sharing his reactions.
Here’s the thing, this game works for us because my son feels has control of the conversation. He has the right to pass on a question or limit the number of questions I ask. (He can turn down my request for follow up questions.) To this day, he has never passed on anything I ask and, more often than not, the game leads to a bigger conversation, one he may not have been open to if I just started peppering him with questions. I have used this game to talk about sex, parties, drugs, pressure of school and sports. You name it, we’ve talked about it!
This game works well for me and my son. I’m not saying it’s a sure-fire way to talk with your teenager, but it may be worth a try.
Kelly Cleeve is a best-selling author and an educator. More importantly, she is the proud parent of two amazing sons. Visit kellycleeve.com or follow her on Instagram @resilient_kel and Facebook –Raising Resilient Children/Radiant and Resilient.
How Social Media Affects Teen Sleep
Sleep experts have developed a new tool to help more accurately measure young people’s ability to disengage from social media before bed.
The University of Glasgow researchers who developed the Index of Nighttime Offline Distress, or iNOD, believe it is the first psychological measurement tool of its kind, which reflects the realities of how young people interact with each other in an online world.
The 10-point questionnaire, developed after consultation with 3,000+ young people, aims to equip clinicians, teachers and parents with accurate measurements of the impact of late-night social media use on sleep.
Previous research from the group has shown that teenagers who use social media for five hours or more a day are more likely to report problems with their quality of sleep.
The development of iNOD is outlined in a new paper published in the journal Sleep Medicine. Dr Holly Scott, a lecturer at the University of Glasgow’s School of Psychology, is the paper’s lead author.
“It’s not unusual to hear parents and teachers expressing concern about the amount of time that young people spend on their mobile phones,” says Dr. Holly Scott, a lecturer at the University of Glasgow’s School of Psychology and the paper’s lead author.
“As young people move away from their families and begin to strike out on their own, staying in touch with friends becomes more important, as does maintaining a feeling of connection,” adds Scott. “No one wants to feel they’re missing out … phones and social media give them an unprecedented ability to extend the feeling of face-to-face connection.”
In developing iNOD, the research team set out to create a measurement system which was built from the ground up to reflect the real-life experiences and opinions of modern young people. The aim was to get a truer sense of the tradeoffs young people make between social
connections and night-time social media use, and to determine where it can begin to impact on young people’s sleep.
While a considerable proportion of respondents claimed not to have difficulties in disengaging from social media, the responses also showed that extended wakefulness in bed before attempts to sleep was a typical experience for many. Those young people who did spend longer than they intended on social media at bedtime were also more likely to report delayed sleep onset, short duration and poor sleep quality.
The researchers used the survey responses to develop the 10-point iNOD questionnaire, which allows young people to self-report on their experiences of social media and sleep.It captures feedback on two factors that respondents reported as particularly important – “staying connected” to peers via social media and “following etiquette” by continuing interactions into the night. Those who scored higher on Staying Connected and Following Etiquette tended to get into bed later, took longer to close their eyes for sleep at a later time, but did not differ in their wake times. They also tended to use social media for longer in bed and after the time they felt they should be asleep. They tended to have shorter sleep duration and poorer sleep quality.
“Young people need quality sleep,” says Dr. Heather Cleland Woods, senior lecturer at the School of Psychology and co-author on the paper. “But they also need the interactions with peers that social media provides, especially during a pandemic. Our aim is that iNOD will be widely adopted as a tool to help parents, teachers and other adults with caring responsibilities have informed conversations with young people and each other about device use and sleep.”
“We’ve already done some work with government to help develop better evidence-based policy for young people, and we’re keen to explore further how iNOD can be integrated into high-level understanding of the lives and concerns of today’s young people.”
To read the paper, ‘Nodding Off But Can’t Disconnect” visit sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/ S1389945721001453?via%3Dihub.
If a night is not sold out, we will accept “walk-ups,” however, when buying tickets at the box office BRING CASH.
