Navigating Conflict
Milestone Birthday
&Tweens Teens
Jim Schneider Publisher publisher@islandparent.ca
Stacie Gaetz Editor editor@islandparent.ca
RaeLeigh Buchanan Account Manager raeleigh@islandparent.ca
Kristine Wickheim Account Manager kristine@islandparent.ca
Tweens & Teens, published by Island Parent Group, is a valuable resource for parents and caregivers navigating the preteen and teenage years. The magazine offers insightful articles on parenting challenges, mental health, education and social issues, providing expert advice and practical tips to support youth development. It fosters a positive, informed approach to guiding young people through this transformative phase, helping parents address the unique needs of tweens and teens.
Views expressed are not necessarily those of the publisher. No material herein may be reproduced without the permission of the publisher.
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Navigating
The BIG Feelings Era
Recently, when I asked the students in a Grade 8 class how things were going for them in their last year of middle school, one of the students sighed loudly and said, “Okay. You know, it’s okay.”
When I asked them to expand on what they meant by “Okay,” the student replied, “I dunno know, there’s just some BIG feelings going on right now and growing up feels like a lot!”
Most of the other students nodded or smiled knowingly in agreement. As a sexual health educator, I couldn’t have said it more articulately—growing up is a lot! In Taylor Swift terminology, adolescence is the BIG feelings era and as parents, educators, allies and champions of youth, it is our job to support them as they find their way through this era of “a lot.”
In 2024, collectively, we are doing a better job to prepare our young people to understand the physical changes adolescence brings. It’s not uncommon now for students
in our maturation classes to comfortably and, sometimes even, enthusiastically explain the role of hormones, spontaneous erections and period products during puberty to the rest of their classmates. And yet, when it comes to the emotional changes ahead, students are often less sure of the changes to feelings especially for those kiddos who haven’t had the opportunity to witness older siblings plow through ahead of them. This means, of course, it’s essential that we, as their trusted adults, help show them the way through using observation, empathy and time away.
Observe the changes your youth are going through from the emotional and social perspectives. Are they spending more time doing things than they used to; are they hanging out with different friends; or are they dressing more creatively? Use these observations to offer comments like “I’ve noticed that you’re really into shooting hoops these days, how’s it feeling?” or “I notice that you’re talking about some new friends—what has it been like to
make new friends?” This helps youth form connections between their actions and feelings, which they may not be aware of.
As you prepare dinner, drive to dance or walk the dog together and they’re venting about a math test, explaining the latest friend drama or intermittently grunting in response to your questions, listen closely to not only what they’re saying (or not saying!) about their feelings but how they’re saying it. Acknowledge youth’s feelings by responding with empathy. This tells them that you’re focused on their feelings, and they know that you’re not judging their feelings, just supporting them. This approach will remind youth that while you might not “get it,” you’re 100 percent willing to try.
When their words and/or actions show you that they’re going full speed ahead through these feelings, create strategies together to
take time away from all of the changes. Chat with them about what makes them feel better—when do they feel the most relaxed and like themselves? Is it playing with the dog? A T. Swift dance party, painting, mountain biking, zoning out with their favourite playlist or binge-watching Friends? Help them find the time to step away from life’s big moments and feelings. This will put these feelings into perspective without minimizing or ignoring them. It gives them time to reconnect to themselves.
There’s no doubt that growing up in this fast-paced world feels like a lot for our youth and even for us adults on the sidelines. It is our job to show them that even though things feel like a lot, there are ways through the BIG feelings era with curiosity, empathy and connection.
Jennifer Gibson, MA, is also known as “The Sex Lady”—for close to 20 years—to the thousands of amazing youth and adults she is lucky to educate and learn with through her job as an educator in the BC school system. She is passionate about making sexuality education as positive, fun and non-cringe-able as possible.
How Kids & Teens are Redefining Innovation Digital Artists
When I was 16, I wrote a script for a school play. A group of friends and I performed it, and we ended up winning a regional competition. For a few days, we were school heroes. I wrote the script on an Olivetti typewriter. There were no fancy visuals or digital tools, just words on a page. But that was enough for us.
In today’s digital age, children, teens and youth are redefining what it means to be creative. Armed with tablets, laptops and smartphones, they’re not just consuming content, they’re creating it. From coding their video games to producing digital art, the younger generation is exploring new avenues of creativity that were unimaginable just a few decades ago. This shift is not only reshaping their futures but also challenging traditional views on what it means to be creative.
One of the most visible ways young people are expressing their creativity is through digital art. Tablets with styluses and apps like Procreate and Adobe Fresco have turned drawing into a high-tech activity. Instead of crayons and paper, many kids now use their fingers or styluses to create intricate digital paintings. This medium allows for endless experimentation, with layers, effects and colour palettes that would be difficult to replicate with traditional materials.
According to a 2021 report by Common Sense Media, more than half of teenagers in North America engage in some form of digital content creation, with digital art being one of the most popular forms.
Another significant trend is the rise of coding among young people. Websites like Scratch, Code.org and Codecademy are making programming accessible to kids as young as six. These platforms gamify the learning process, turning what was once seen as a complex and technical skill into something fun and approachable. For example, Scratch, developed by MIT, allows kids to create their games and animations by snapping together blocks of code. In 2023, over 80 million projects were shared on the platform, reflecting how widespread coding has become among young creators.
The impact of this trend extends beyond just making games. By learning to code, kids are developing problemsolving skills, logical thinking and even an understanding of algorithm; skills that are increasingly valuable in our technology-driven world. A study from the Brookings Institution found that students who learn to code at a young age are more likely to pursue STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Mathematics) careers. This could lead to a new generation of innovators who are not just consumers of technology, but creators.
Video game development is another area where youth are showing incredible creativity. Platforms like Roblox and Minecraft are also tools for creation. Roblox, for instance, allows users to design and publish their games, which can be played by millions of other users. As of 2023, over 40 million games have been created on Roblox, with some teen developers earning substantial incomes from their creations. This is more than playing, it’s a form of digital entrepreneurship. The possibilities are endless, with some young developers going on to pursue careers in game design and software development.
It is about creating content and sharing it. Social media platforms like TikTok, YouTube and Instagram have given young creators a global stage. These platforms are filled with videos of teenagers sharing their digital art, tutorials on coding and gameplay from the games they’ve developed. This instant access to a worldwide audience is unprecedented. It allows for immediate feedback, collaboration and even monetization of creative projects. A Pew Research Centre study found that 95 percent of teens use YouTube, and 41 percent say they use it constantly. This highlights how integral digital platforms are to the creative lives of young people today.
The rise of digital creativity among youth is a profound shift in how creativity is expressed and valued. Traditional forms of creativity like painting, writing, and playing music, are still important, but they’re now complemented by new, digital forms. These digital tools are expanding how young people can be creative, and democratizing creativity. A child with a tablet and internet access can create a masterpiece, develop a game or start a YouTube channel, regardless of where they live or their socio-economic background.
The creativity of children and teens in the digital age will shape the art and technology of tomorrow and the very fabric of society. They’re not just learning how to use digital tools; they’re learning how to innovate with them. And that might be the most creative act of all.
At OpenWorks, Alexis Santacruz bridges Latin American talent with North American opportunities. Committed to excellence and innovation, OpenWorks delivers exceptional staffing and software development solutions. Their quality-driven process ensures client success, fostering an inclusive, technologically enriched future.
The Many Meanings of a Milestone Birthday
My oldest grandchild reached a milestone this spring—he celebrated his 10th birthday. Or as he puts it, he celebrated his “double-digit” birthday. Where have all the years gone? It seems like only yesterday we were pacing the halls of the hospital, waiting on tenterhooks for his arrival.
When he was only hours old, and while his parents caught up on some much-needed rest, I cuddled and rocked him in the nursery. In that cocooned environment, I softly sang my favourite song to him—Moon River. I remember marvelling at his big blue
eyes, how alert they were. While they obviously couldn’t focus, they clearly expressed his fascination with the melody he was hearing. As he listened, his eyebrows knit together in a puzzled frown of concentration. Compared to the muted sounds in his mother’s womb, I am sure he didn’t know what to make of my singing!
Now 10 years have passed. Ten years of birthday parties with little buddies wired on too much birthday cake and treats, trick or treating at Halloween in costumes he didn’t want to take off, Christmas mornings with a frenzy of
ripping open presents and first days at school with toothless grins and the classic photo on the front step. Over the years, he and I have made innumerable trips to the beach and the playground, read scores of books together (at first, me reading to him and then him reading to me), and of course, built lots and lots of LEGO (I have no doubt we have single-handedly kept LEGO in business…).
Little did I know with my own children that that first decade was actually the easiest. Young kids are small, compact, easy to distract and when all
else fails, easy to bribe. In other words, I could usually get my children to do what I needed them to do or go where I needed them to be. It was that second decade that produced the greatest challenges.
As my grandson enters the pre-teen years, I naturally fret over the pitfalls of things like bullying, peer pressure and most especially, social media. These can be turbulent waters nowadays and they are only a prequel to the even scarier teenage years where there are the added worries of drugs and alcohol, drivers’ licenses, dating, depression and anxiety and a host of other issues that can come into play.
You’d think, as grandparents (and thus, one generation removed), we would worry less, but I can assure you, that is not the case. We worry just the
same, perhaps even more because our own parenting experience has made us acutely aware of the possible perils. After all, we’ve been there, done that. And yet, the dizzying pace of change always presents new challenges. Who would have thought we would all struggle with the far-reaching impact of a global pandemic when the last one (Spanish flu) was in the distant past?
I can only hope my grandson will remember what we’ve taught him over the years, important lessons like trusting his gut or that being different is perfectly fine. I hope he will extend a kind hand when called upon and do the right thing rather than the easy thing when he’s given a choice. It’s hard to tell the measure of someone until they are tested, and I know he will be tested; I just hope he can rely on his inner compass.
In the meantime, he’s still a little boy and I will treasure whatever years, months, weeks or even days that are left in which he still looks forward to spending time with his Nonna. I am fully aware that at some point, I will take a back seat to new interests or new friends or perhaps a student job that makes demands on his time, but until then, I relish his eagerness to come to Nonna’s house.
Now that my grandson is 10, I hope he’s not embarrassed to slip his hand in mine as he has always done, hug me fiercely or tell me his dreams.
Susan Gnucci is a local author and proud “Nonna” to three young grandchildren. She enjoys sharing her experiences as a grandparent.
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Helping Our Tweens & Teens Navigate Conflict
The “tweens” (between the ages of eight or nine and 12) are rough. Carefree childhood innocence rapidly slips away as kids encounter higher expectations at school and home, an ever-widening sense of a chaotic world outside themselves, confusing hormonal and physical changes, and the increasing complexity of social interaction with their peers.
How We View Conflict
Conflict is a natural and unavoidable part of human interaction, but working through it isn’t always intuitive, or easy. When I was a rookie elementary school teacher, I struggled to help my Grade 6 students sort out daily drama.
I attended several workshops on Restorative Justice and conflict resolution, and
However, anyone involved in the process, whether as a mediator or someone in conflict, came away from it seeing that there is an alternative to the pervasive idea that if someone “wrongs” you, they need to be “punished.”
Over the year, I noticed more students solving their own conflicts within the classroom, as well as increased empathy towards others,
Suddenly, social spats aren’t simple: “Jane wouldn’t share the toy,” but can become complicated, multi-layered issues: “Jane was mad that I didn’t eat lunch with her, so she wouldn’t talk to me and told everyone not to be friends with me anymore. Then she said mean things about me on (insert social media du jour here) and now everyone hates me.”
How do we help our kids get through this incredibly challenging time in a healthy way that promotes positive social skills?
Apart from making sure they are secure in our unconditional love, and helping them build genuine confidence in themselves, it’s essential that kids learn how to work through conflict constructively. There are several important skills and mindsets that we can help them build that will make this easier.
learned to view conflict not as “right” versus “wrong” but as two people wanting or needing different things. Resolving conflict isn’t about punishment or exacting revenge—it’s about making sure that everyone’s experience is heard and acknowledged, and that they find a way to move forward from the conflict in a way that meets everyone’s needs.
Our school formed a “Peace Squad”—a group of students, many from my class, trained to help mediate playground conflicts. This wasn’t a miracle cure for conflict and, obviously, there were issues (physical altercations, and bullying, among them) that mediators had to refer to adult supervisors. Sometimes students weren’t interested in participating when they realized that the other kid wasn’t going to get in “trouble.”
evidenced in their personal writing and even the way they spoke to each other.
Perspective-Taking & Empathy
Helping kids more fully understand how their actions affect others is something that can be practiced at home.
Books. When reading, you can discuss the characters’ feelings, and point out how several characters can feel differently about the same situation. Powerful “tween” books, told from multiple perspectives, are R.J. Palacio’s Wonder and Rob Buyea’s Because of Mr. Terupt.
Authenticity. Give them feedback when their words or actions have an emotional effect on you, positive or negative.
Drama—the Good Kind. Role-playing is a great tool for helping us see and understand peoples’ emotions and motivations. Act out social situations and discuss what you are thinking and feeling when, for example, your best friend decides to sit with someone else at lunch. How might you react? What are some alternative ways of handling the situation?
Boost Emotional Awareness
Being able to describe how someone’s actions make you feel is an essential key to finding satisfying resolutions to conflict, but many kids struggle with a limited emotional vocabulary.
Labelling. We can help our kids develop and expand their emotional awareness, starting with labelling and talking about our own emotions. We can also provide a safe space and opportunities for them to practice.
Visual Aids. My four-year-old has a calendar with emotion magnets, and every day when we change the date, weather, and day of the week, he also takes a moment to think about how he’s feeling and picks a face. Sometimes we get into the “why” of his emotions, but just labelling them is a great start. Shared Journal. If your tween isn’t yet comfortable with verbalizing their feelings, you could try keeping a shared journal (with a list of emotion words taped inside the cover for easy reference). There are some beautifully designed journals out there for this purpose, full of creative prompts. Some are even fill-inthe-blank.
Games. Emotion charades and other activities derived from theatre sports can help your child develop and strengthen their ability to read facial expressions and body language. A lot of kids have difficulty with tone and emphasis. They might repeat something funny a TV character says and not understand why their classmate finds it hurtful (it might be said with a sarcastic tone). You can make a game of saying the same sentence in different ways and trying to guess the speaker’s intent
or emotion. For example, “What are you doing?” vs “What are you doing?” communicate different messages.
Calming Strategies
Learning and practicing calming techniques (mindful breathing, counting, visualization, positive self-talk) helps us be rational and receptive instead of reactive. You can help your child to determine which strategies are most useful for them and encourage them to practice when you see they are agitated.
Acknowledge Mistakes… & Grow
When conflict occurs, it’s important to work through it so that everyone can move forward peacefully. We can’t change what happened, but we can decide to learn and make different choices in the future. To do this, we need to acknowledge our own part in conflict.
No one wants to believe their child is capable of causing hurt to another, but it happens every day. Not because they are “bad,” but because they are learning. If your child is involved in a conflict, take time to hear the whole story of what transpired. Encourage them to own their actions and be part of a solution. Just as in any new subject, they are going to make mistakes and that’s when they need our support the most—to help them grow positively from a negative experience.
Schools are beginning to teach emotional and social skills more explicitly within an evolving curriculum, but developing empathy, emotional awareness, self-regulation, and problem-solving skills starts with parents. They watch us for cues, and if we negotiate our own conflicts constructively this goes a long way to helping them get through the trials and tribulations of Tweenhood.
Kelly McQuillan is a writer, musician, teacher and fledgling mother living in Comox. kellymcquillanwriter. weebly.com, music teacher: kellymcquillan.com
Growth Through Taking Healthy Risks
Teenagers crave and seek risks. It helps them to develop and grow. We often think of risk-taking as dangerous, but taking risks is not always negative. Healthy risk-taking—like mountain biking, skiing or gymnastics—helps kids build confidence and strengthen leadership skills.
But, as parents, it is not always easy to accommodate our risk-craving kids.
Janine Fernandes-Hayden, the executive director of The Circle Education, has a son who is a downhill mountain biker. He discovered the sport eight years ago during a family trip in Whistler:
Our visit coincided with Crankworx, the world’s largest mountain bike festival. Watching the action, my son found himself mesmerized by it all. Whistler is a mountain bike paradise and my husband, and I agreed that our son could join a bike camp while we were there, to develop skills and bike awareness.
12 Tweens & Teens
The next year, when we returned to Whistler, Crankworx was happening again. My son witnessed kids flying over the jumps and he said very longingly, with me standing next to him, “Oh, the one thing I want to be in life is a professional mountain biker…”
I recognized that I needed to compromise. Where did these fears come from anyway? When I was young, I didn’t shy away from adventures. In my 20s, when I lived in South Africa for close to a year, I went white water rafting on the Zambizi River and flew in a microlight aircraft over Victoria Falls. But that changed when I had children; my tendency to seek out new or thrilling experiences diminished. I became risk-averse, particularly in physical domains. I tried not to have this rub off into my parenting, but it has been a push and a pull.
And yet, as the executive director of an educational nonprofit organization, who works with youth all the time, I know that kids and teenagers crave and seek risks. It’s part of
growing up. Taking calculated risks is good for their brain development, their creativity and their confidence. In fact, the adolescent brain is wired to take risks, owing to their limbic system (think dopamine!) developing more rapidly than the part of their brain responsible for impulse control and judgment. What this means is, whether we like it or not; they will take risks.
Mountain biking is what experts call a healthy risk. It can be challenging, but with the right gear, training and guidance, it doesn’t have to be dangerous. Providing your kids with healthy outlets and activities, which can also be performing on stage or living a year abroad, can teach them how to calculate and mitigate risks.
My son is now part of a mountain bike team and participates regularly in downhill and enduro races. It is hard as a parent to see your kids undertaking risky endeavours. I admit that my fear sometimes prevents me from being encouraging and positive, but I also see what mountain biking is giving him. My son is a timid child and this risk-taking has opened him up to developing more confidence in other areas of his life. If you can ride down a mountain and jump over bumps, other things can seem less difficult.
Mountain biking also taught him how to calculate risks and
learn his limits. And I must admit, I encourage him to take guided risks on a mountain bike, with a coach, wearing a helmet and protective gear, and appease his risk-taking cravings, steering him away from unhealthier and far more destructive alternatives.
As my son progresses with mountain biking, I am in the process of “building a bicycle while riding it” with my views on risk-taking. I try to ask myself the same questions and apply the same lessons that we teach youth in the programs that are offered through my work: What kind of choices do you make and why? What are your boundaries and limits?
It is important for kids to learn this at a young age. So ideally when they are beginning to hang out with friends, they have that processing in their brains. Hopefully, they will carry that through in other scenarios and situations when they become young adults.
Janine Fernandes-Hayden is the executive director of The Circle Education, a non-profit organization that offers evidence-based social-emotional programming in schools in the Gulf Islands. She lives on Salt Spring Island and is mother of four teenagers. Learn more at thecircleeducation.org
Resumés 101
Resumés are hard. And they are even harder when it’s your first kick at the job application process. It’s hard to tease out your skills and abilities when you have little to no professional experience, hard to articulate the experience you do have with the correct catchy language and for some, hard to boast about yourself.
But it’s also hard for potential employers to read them. Not only is it time consuming sorting through numerous applications to decide who rises to the top of the pile, but it is also discouraging to see easily avoidable mistakes sending others to the bottom.
To help your teen build a strong, effective resumé, sit down together and talk about their strengths and past experiences. Then have them consider the following tips:
1. Find your experience
When you’re new to the workforce, finding content to fill the glaring white page is the toughest part. Reflect on skills you’ve gained through paid work, school, clubs, sports, volunteering and other extracurricular activities. Emphasize your talents in leadership, teamwork, communication and technology. Mention special achievements, accomplishments, certifications and your ability to speak a second language. Self-reflection and teasing out your skills and experience can be a challenge. Enlist the help of those close to you;
they have a front-row seat to your strengths and accomplishments. When applying for a specific job, share the job posting with them so they have an understanding of the skills and qualities required for the role.
2. Words matter
After brainstorming and uncovering your skills and abilities, reframe them with dynamic and active language. Countless lists and examples are available online. When you organize your resumé into categories, pick headings that accurately reflect what is to follow. Research the business or organization’s website and social media accounts to learn their terminology and buzzwords. There may be a way to integrate them into your documents.
3. Layout and design
There are an overwhelming number of resumé formats online; pick one and be consistent. Balance the white space; try to avoid large white gaps or the opposite, filling every line, top to bottom, margin to margin. Keep the font classic, professional and no larger than a point size of 12—good options include Calibri, Arial and Verdana. Your first resumé may only be one page, future resumés should be no more than two. Don’t forget to include your contact information—phone number and email are required, physical address is optional.
4. Cover letter
Unless specifically asked not to, always include a cover letter. It is daunting and definitely time-consuming but this highlights why you are the right person for the job. It draws attention to how specific resumé points link with the potential employer’s expectations. Cover letter samples can easily be found online. Remember a cover letter focuses on what you bring to the employer not what the job will provide you. If the posting clearly states the hiring employee’s name, use it. Avoid “to whom it may concern” and “Dear Sir/Madam.”
5. Add sparkle
Within your cover letter, compliment the business or organization, but only if it is genuine. Is there something about them you admire? Do their values align with yours? Do you follow them on social media? Did a particular post resonate with you? Mention a positive personal experience you have had with a product, an employee or customer service. On your resumé, add one line or a short list about your interests and hobbies; also keep this genuine—a common interest might intrigue an employer.
6. Spell check
Even with technology helping us out by underlining spelling and grammar errors, relying on spell check is the most common mistake. Also keep in mind computers don’t account for unique people or company names. Double check; it’s awkward to receive an application with the business or employer’s name misspelled. Some employers may even be sticklers for Canadian/British spelling versus American.
7. Start a master resumé
Start a chronological master resumé document to keep dates, work experience (including role, responsibilities and skills), volunteer work, coursework, certifications, awards and references together. As time progresses and your experience builds, this will be invaluable for jogging your memory and saving you time when tweaking applications for future job opportunities. Yes, you will need to tailor your cover letter and resumé to every single job you apply for.
8. Edit, spell check and save
Proofread again. Better yet, have a friend,
family member or teacher take a look. It is surprisingly easy to overlook your own errors. Editing tip—read your cover letter and resumé out loud. When you are confident they are ready, save your cover letter and resumé in one PDF document. A PDF maintains your format ensuring what you worked so hard to create and perfect is the same design they receive. Creating one document also saves the recipient an extra click in their likely already busy day and should they wish to print, it reduces the chance one will be missed. Give the PDF a relevant file name combining the job and your name.
9. Submission
Have you checked and double checked grammar and spelling? Are you ready to submit? Follow the submission guidelines noted in the job posting. Double-check the email address, type a clear subject line referencing the position, type a few introductory sentences and attach the PDF. To apply in person, staple your cover letter to your resumé, dress appropriately, and ask for the person listed on the application or the person in charge of hiring.
Some larger companies may require you to complete an online application. Online forms contain fields you are to populate; have an updated resumé and cover letter content on hand to easily transfer the information. It may also ask you to upload a copy of your resumé.
10. A little extra note
Potential employers may check social media platforms, sometimes as a way to verify information or maybe out of simple curiosity. Is all of the content on your social media profiles appropriate for a prospective employer to see? The same goes for your email address and outgoing voicemail message—keep them professional.
“If you’re not hiring them to write, why does it matter?” someone once countered when it came to my nit-picky approach to reviewing job applications. Perhaps, but diligence and attention to detail are important work attributes and your resumé is your first impression, so put in some time and demonstrate you really care.
Good luck and I hope you get the job.
Tina Kelly is the Director of Learning at the Shaw Centre for the Salish Sea.
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