What does it all mean? Well here in this handy guide we want to help you understand it all. We will be writing with a open mind, telling you the honest opinions of the “In” campaign headed up by your democratically elected prime minister David Cameron & the “Out” campaign, originally pioneered by the Fruit Cake, Nigel Farage. Both Campaigns have media friendly names for people to rally around. Breixit, based on the media friendly suggestion that Greece could leave Europe; Grexit, except that was Europe forcing them out. Bremain is the new term, without heritage is the term for the “in” Campaign. This zine was researched thoroughly by reading articles on both sides of the fence and has stripped the arguments down to the bare bones; Pro Europe or brexit? No waffle, scaremongering fear inducing rhetoric here. I have read the articles so you don’t have to. Sources include The Daily Mail, The Sun, The Guardian & The Independent. Personal Bias has been removed too so all you read is objective.
Breixt - Britain leaving Europe �remain - Britain staying in Europe EU - The European Union David Cameron - Your Prime Minister Michael Gove - Tory Rebel Should I stay or Should I Go - The Clash Song referenced in zine title. UKIP - The party that forced the referendum Nigel Farage - Leader & Former leader of UKIP Jeremy Corbyn - Some call him the leader of the opposition Daily Mail - Right wing “News”paper The Sun - Murdoch own ball of fire in the sky Economy - No one really knows 1975- the year of the last referendum on EU membership Number Ten - The number house your PM lives at House of Commons - Where the rulers rule from Boris Johnson - London Mayor and Tory rebel Britain Stronger in Europe - One of many Stay Campaigns Labour In for Britain - Another Stay Campaign Grassroots Out - An out Campaign Leave. Out - Another out Campaign Get Britain Out - Yet another out Campaign Vote Leave - & Yet another Leave Campaign
Tax paying will go up if brexit happens
The proportion of companies in UK paying tax will increase if we call it quits with Europe. We have all been told that big business will leave with a brexit, making the proportion of tax paying citizens/businesses higher than it has been since the days of Margret e Thatcher. Google is rumoured to mov is zon Ama to it’s homeland of elgoog. to move it’s respective rainforest and Starbucks’ stores are just going to rise up and move to space and become stars for sale.
Great British Money
The European leaders have made us an offer that we cannot refuse (or so I the term goes in a popular film that have zone euro haven’t watched). The offered to ditch their failing currency g to something for solid. They are goin d poun sh Briti t to convert to the Grea Brexit campaigners are promoting that the UK economy on the one condition that we vote to will grow as much as a teenager would grow between the stay in Europe. We Bremain, if you ages of 17 and 18 instead of the predicted 13 to 14 forecast. will. I have negotiated it, so that they This is good news for everyone who has experienced having have to apologise for threatening a teenager during these ages. “The economy won’t suffer us with joining their “failure” of a wild mood swings and will start stabilising up till 2020” says currency. I haven’t checked over the one breixter. numbers with Mr Osborded but I am sure that it will make sense with all This is to be used as a leveraging tool for the brexit of the money and such. As you know campaign; “Europe is holding us back, it is treating us with that is not my strong point. Stay in contempt like a mother unwilling to let her child grow up” Europe and the pound is ours. another campaigner told me. From Number ten
The EU and pro EU teams have declined to comment.
MiGRANTS In a new revelation; all of the people coming to this country under the banner of a Migrant will receive a grant based on their named status within the country. This is why the government is changing its rhetoric to call all visitors to these shores, tourists. “A simple change and will save us millions”, a long term tourist told me
Billionaires up in arms with Cameron Billionaire donors to the tory party are up in arms that the PM is letting the people decide whether we leave or stay in Europe. “The people did not pay millions to the political elite and now we are been given the same right as them this is unacceptable” said one member of one bank who wants to remain nameless for political reasons.
Single market is seeking a partner to further its dealings on a narrow-minded European scale. Preferably wanting to partner with big business but will happily enter into negotiations with non-FTSE 100 companies, just to at least get a deal. Essential; has to have a minister under it’s wing, a corrupt boss who is willing to pay himself a mass ive bonus regardless of how the company is doing and has offshore tax dealings to minimise the tax bill. Negotiable; consider paying staff below minim um wage just to turn a (more of)profit, zero hour contracts for all of them staff and sack them if they fail to comply.
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The beer market is important to the market here in the UK millions of hard working people work hard all day and think they earn a have earnt a pint or 12. And what beer choice do they go for; good quality or cheap? Cheap and if we leave Europe this will become expensive. The price of the Carlsberg export exports will increase in price leaving all of these hard working people worse off at the pub.
Cameron still feels no love for Brussels sprouts, he has stated out outside Downing Street, just as he announced the referendum. Press were stunned at this revelation in the mid February post Christmas when the topic was on no ones lips. This could prove troubling for current bremainers because it is rumoured that half of those are sprout eaters and this decisive issue could prove to costly sprout lovers within the stay campaign.
Calais’ permanent holiday Following brexit, it has been revealed the whole town of Calais and it’s migrant popular plans to relocate within the UK. The exact details have not been finalised as the vote as to where hasn’t happened in the town yet. Also in a first the French people are offering the chance for the Migrants/refugee population to vote on where they would like to go. Rumours are that they are thinking about moving to Kent, on the suggestion from the Prime minister in one of his TV appearances.
Children being taught by immigrants speak better English. Teachers born out of this country, that are speaking English as a second language are improving the literary rates of England. Immigration has improved language because it is being learned in it’s purest form, not diluted by the years of living in the towns and cities. This is all from a new report that blames Native teachers for speaking characteristically from where they were born. Regionality is problematic too for those immigrants learning English from the school system.
The Queen is one of the things that Europe wants to ban if we stay in Europe, as having her rejects their idea of an ever-closer union. Her majesty will be banned along side the sale of any Queen LP, The TBC musical the Queen and I & any showing of the movie, The Queen, featuring Dame Helen Mirren. It is to be written into law next year so that no country can have a king, queen or monarchy.
EU ideals Europe will get the benefits of apple tax if we leave, a government source says. The advice is to be spiteful so vote to stay in so that they don’t get this extra revenue. “Europe will squander the funds on parties we are not invited to, so they may as well not have them at all.” This comes as the new kinder politics was launched by Jeremy Corbyn.
Democracy in action We will finally get control of our law making once we leave Europe. No more faceless, unelected bureaucrats deciding our laws. It will be down to the way that it should be the House of Commons and err…the House of Lords. We will be able to pass all of the laws that we want to pass in the House of Commons and err… the House of Lords. The House of unknown, unelected mates of the political elite and Lord Prescott.
Cameron’s package disturbing nation; No one knows or understands Cameron’s package put when said out of context it’s enough to make anyone a Eurosceptic.
We asked Nigel Farage, an obvious breixter for his list of europeans but he didn’t reply to our emails so instead we had ago ourselves. Based on the fact that he’ll be a euroskeptical till the day he dies and the fact that he said said some pretty rotten things about europe in the months and years gone by we could only come up with one suitable name so here it is; 1. n/a 2. n/a 3. n/a 4. n/a 5. n/a 6. n/a 7. n/a 8. n/a 9. n/a 10. Kirsten Farage (his wife)
Under new proposals from Europe, they want to introduce legislation to stop strikes being so frequent as they damage the economies of europe because if one section of one european country is not working it could impeach on another countries ability to do work in that sector. It could lead to all people in that sector in all of europe striking on that day meaning no one does any work. The legislation that they want to impose is a three strikes and you are sacked rule. If you partake in a strike three times in a row you will be sacked from your job. This is to effect all sectors of the workplace. “if people are so unhappy with their jobs we think it would be best that they are given the chance to get another career, without effected ours� one delegate for the bill said. This is the reason the Jeremy hunt wants to stay in Europe as it will solve the problem with the junior doctors. The three strike rule means that he can impose the mandate as long as he wants because he can sack them if they walk out three times. So stay in and fix the health service. Brought to you by the Office of J. Hunt
UKIP are claiming that we, the UK, were roped into joining Europe by its counter parts across the continent. “It was a guilt trip” one reports, “We bombed Germany out and suddenly they want us to be friends”. So to vote out is to get the status quo back on track. This note comes from the office of N. Farage Team Brexit’s Headquarters is now open. Taking donations in pint Fosters cans, racist jokes and Lad Banter. Sent directly to White Van Man, England United Kingdom M8 FU2
Trying to top Trump Nigel is to announce his own big wall, not on the land between the UK and Mexico because no such land exists. Much as a surprise to readers of The Sun. Nigel is to build a wall around the UK on the beaches, to stop the immigrants coming in. The wall is to be built out of bricks imported from the continent and is to be paid for with the money saved from leaving Brussels. He is also going to build it if we stay in Europe because he wants his way, having failed at the general election.
Money Talks We will save £24m a day according to the out campaign but what to spend it on. The conservative political classes are threatening to spend it on the next generation of their classes by spending it on Eton. To improve its facilities, make the people more snobby and to start a scholarship scheme so the over privileged get peerages. So if you are a liberal or labour voter; stop this nonsense!
Hollande to make “the call”
Trading will break down
Hollande hasn’t always been Cameron’s biggest fan boy but then again no one has been in Europe. But in one last ditch attempt to get Cameron and the UK people to stay onside he is due to make “the Call”. This is dubbed to be France’s secret weapon when it comes to keeping Dave on side. In a leak some of the contents of this call were revealed. One sentence call David Cameron a “wazzock” if he can’t convince his people to stay. Another line says “if you leave us, you are off the Christmas card list”. In France, this is considered the true end to a friendship.
If we leave Europe, we won’t be able to hang out with Europe after meetings nor will we be able trade our Pokemon with them. We will have to trade with the US and we all know that they have the less impressive cards. They will be more expensive to buy as well.
The three chord “rockers” are not happy to be kept in Europe. “We have been here too darn long” they said on stage last night “people are fed up with us and it’s time to move on”. This will come as a relief to Boris Johnson who seconds this opinion. “I have been a fan since the 1970’s but now it’s time for a change”. Boris stated. In an odd additional move they are to remove all of the CD’s from bargain baskets and supermarket shelves that contain tracks from the band (see picture). This has been dubbed by many the best career move in years. US 4 UK IN EU A new political group has been set up in America to convince the UK to stay in Europe. Maybe a campaign outside of Europe to promote Europe might convince us in the UK that we want Europe.
Book balancing comp. in Brussels Next Week In a bid to get economies back on track, Brussels are to trial scheme that if you can balance a book for a mile, your national debt wiped completely. Osbourne may not enter if we leave Europe.
Independence day Blockbuster Hollywood movie “Independence Day; Insert movie cliché sequel name here” is being released after the vote. Coincidence? European fish to holiday here Leaving Europe will make its fish move into our oceans, like refugees on our lands.
Europeans to move into TV Soaps It is cheaper for migrants to move into fictional cities that soaps are set up in, than it is to move them into a house anywhere in the rest of the country.
A sinking thought The out campaign took scare mongering to the next level today with the declaration that one more European migrant, and we will sink. “The UK will become the new Atlantis, if one more European moves to these shores”. This fact has been confirmed by the Out campaign’s scientist “Dr E.U, Out”.
Special Status
Daft Punk, The French, electronic dance combo have recorded their hit song “Harder Better Faster Stronger” with new lyrics to promote a united Europe. “Safer, Better off, Stronger” will be released 17th June so they have a week to sell the message.
Send em back
The UKIP Party are not very happy with the leaflets they have been supplied to canvas to vote out of Europe. In a shock twist to the story, this was not down to the design of the brochures. Nor were they supplied Bulgarians or Romanians, as so few came over. The surprise comes from the fact they were supplied by a London based firm. Being such big fans of British business, it seems an odd attack on home turf.
David Cameron has negotiated special status for us in Europe in a bid to keep us in Europe. Will it work? An everyman on the street hates being called “special” because it has some misunderstood implications that Cameron doesn’t know about so I don’t think it’s going to work.
Referendum fever has hit the high street. It is now more popular than ever to host a referendum. Families are sorting out domestic disputes with them, asking whether X should move out and get a job and putting it to vote. Others are voting out family members out of the family completely. Shops such as Waterstones, John Lewis and Debenhams are offering some good packages. But the best deals at the minute for referendums is ASDA. They are offering buy one get one free; a deal that is being considered by Scotland. But the least popular deals are coming from ALDI and LIDL with foreign sounding names and terms pre-written into the packages, they have reported no sales on the referendums. If you have bought a referendum please be sure to use it on or before the 23rd June 2016, all will be void at midnight. Referendum’s used after that will not count. All referendum results will be available the day after.
Well I hope that all made sense. I hope that I have addressed some of your queries about our relationship with the EU. It is a bit of an odd debate and it’s a referendum like no other. We haven’t had this choice since 1975 and a lot has changed in that time. We have all suffered Thatcherism, New Labour & Gordon Brown as PM. We have seen Music go from Punk to Ska to New Romantics to hip hop to indie to absolute garbage. If you have not guessed this is all satire. The politicians are going to be lying to you until the referendum but tell you it’s the truth. I have been lying to you but have been honest about it. You’d be a fool to think this debate would be a clean and honest debate with facts but it’s not. It’s project fear on both sides. I only got into politics properly at year eleven and at the time I was Right wing I think, I was seeing that Benefit thieves were on the news all day so believed they were the trouble makers. Now I am open to more debate and find myself the opposite. Average Joe isn’t the problem, it’s Big Business Brad we need to sort out. Funny How things change.
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