hollywood
by tim parks
APRIL FOOLIN’ AROUND
As a lifetime jokester, I have always felt a kinship with April Fools’ Day. It evolved from putting rubber spiders in my mom’s slippers to what has become an annual tradition of writing faux Hollywood predictions. Sometimes these forecasts are born of wishful thinking, of the things I’d like to see happen in Tinsel Town. At other times, they are motivated by scenarios inspired by the business we call show and the people known as stars. Just add my overactive imagination and off-kilter sense of humor and you have the column version of owning a crystal ball. Without further ado, let’s take a foolin’ around look at what may transpire in television, film, music, books and celebrity.
THE BOOB TUBE
In the spirit of inclusivity, Wednesday, Tim Burton’s upcoming take on The Addams Family for Netflix starring Jenna Ortega in the titular role and Catherine Zeta-Jones and Luis Guzmán as Morticia and Gomez, will get a modern twist. This incarnation, which focuses on Wednesday attending the Nevermore Academy, will also have a non-binary Cousin It, who will henceforth go by the pronouns Cousin They/Them. Because sometimes you want to go where everyone knows your gay, there’s a redo of the TV show Cheers, in the form of Thirst Trap on NBC. Openly gay actor Lee Pace stars as the proprietor of the namesake gay bar, who posts daily shirtless photos to drum up business. And to aid in that effort, he employs a bevy of shirtless hunks, like Pose’s Dyllón Burnside and out Broadway actors Jeremy Pope and Telly Leung. Look
14
www.rage.lgbt | APRIL 2022
for Wanda Sykes to fill Rhea Perlman’s shoes as sassy waitress Darla and Guillermo Díaz as Papi Bear, replacing George Wendt’s Norm as the tavern’s resident bar fly. As if The Golden Girls, and NBC couldn’t get any gayer, there’s an all-gay male version headed to TV screens in the guise of Shady Pines, which will essentially be all tea and shade for residents Leslie Jordan, George Takei, Harvey Fierstein and Sir Ian McKellen. The quartet are the adult male version of Heathers, running the retirement home and always at the ready with a cutting quip, especially if it’s to cut off one of Jordan’s yarns that get spun more than his recanting of his days of being a crystal meth partaker. The series will be written by Bruce Vilanch and feature the theme song “Friend, Thank You” by Barry Manilow.
