HOLLYWOOD

APRIL FOOLIN’ AROUND

As a lifetime jokester, I have always felt a kinship with April Fools’ Day. It evolved from putting rubber spiders in my mom’s slippers to what has become an annual tradition of writing faux Hollywood predictions. Sometimes these forecasts are born of wishful thinking, of the things I’d like to see happen in Tinsel Town. At other times, they are motivated by scenarios inspired by the business we call show and the people known as stars. Just add my overactive imagination and off-kilter sense of humor and you have the column version of owning a crystal ball.

Without further ado, let’s take a foolin’ around look at what may transpire in television, film, music, books and celebrity.

THE BOOB TUBE

In the spirit of inclusivity, Wednesday, Tim Burton’s upcoming take on The Addams Family for Netflix starring Jenna Ortega in the titular role and Catherine Zeta-Jones and Luis Guzmán as Morticia and Gomez, will get a modern twist. This incarnation, which focuses on Wednesday attending the Nevermore Academy, will also have a non-binary Cousin It, who will henceforth go by the pronouns Cousin They/Them.

Because sometimes you want to go where everyone knows your gay, there’s a redo of the TV show Cheers, in the form of Thirst Trapon NBC. Openly gay actor Lee Pace stars as the proprietor of the namesake gay bar, who posts daily shirtless photos to drum up business. And to aid in that effort, he employs a bevy of shirtless hunks, like Pose’s Dyllón Burnside and out Broadway actors Jeremy Pope and Telly Leung. Look for Wanda Sykes to fill Rhea Perlman’s shoes as sassy waitress Darla and Guillermo Díaz as Papi Bear, replacing George Wendt’s Norm as the tavern’s resident bar fly.

As if The Golden Girls, and NBC couldn’t get any gayer, there’s an all-gay male version headed to TV screens in the guise of Shady Pines, which will essentially be all tea and shade for residents Leslie Jordan, George Takei, Harvey Fierstein and Sir Ian McKellen. The quartet are the adult male version of Heathers, running the retirement home and always at the ready with a cutting quip, especially if it’s to cut off one of Jordan’s yarns that get spun more than his recanting of his days of being a crystal meth partaker. The series will be written by Bruce Vilanch and feature the theme song “Friend, Thank You” by Barry Manilow.

Since it was revealed during the first season of HBO Max’s Peacemaker that John Cena’s character is bisexual, it should come as no surprise that he gets boyfriend for Season 2! Cena floated the idea to showrunners that his misfit superhero played for both teams. One might suspect that his self-proclaimed BFF sidekick Vigilante, played by Freddie Stroma, would be the obvious choice. But think again! Fellow wrestler-turnedactor and upcoming DC Extended Universe hero Black Adam Duane “The Rock” Johnson will become embroiled in a love triangle involving himself, Peacemaker and Margot Robbie’s bisexual bad ass Harley Quinn.

Another HBO Max show, Euphoria, will get the spin-off treatment with Dysphoria, which in dictionary terms means “a state of feeling uneasy, unhappy or unwell.” And the subject for the offshoot series is Jacob Elordi’s Nate Jacobs character, as he spends each episode in a state of undress, wondering if he should get the mole on his torso checked out by a dermatologist. What? You’ve never worried about that? I guess the cheese stands alone.

Another HBO Max spin-off, And Just Like That, is receiving a Season 2 order with the first episode revolving around the much-maligned character of Che Diaz (Sara Ramirez) doing a stand-up set for the website Funny or Die. Well, it was nice knowing you, Che!

Hot on the heels of Peacock’s Bel-Air — the dramatic recreation of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air — comes Eastland, a darker take on the sitcom The Facts of Life. Lisa Whelchel returns as Blair Warner, the new headmistress of the prestigious all-girls boarding school where things aren’t as they seem! She enlists the help of Natalie Green (Mindy Cohn), Tootie Ramsey (Kim Fields) and Jo Polniaczek (Nancy McKeon) when a student ends up dead.

The ladies seek spiritual guidance from the ghost of Mrs. Garrett, with Ann Dowd of The Handmaid’s Tale reprising the role she portrayed on ABC’s Facts of Life Live reunion. Spoiler, it turns out the student found Tootie’s old roller skates, greased them up with oil from Jo’s motorcycle that had been parked all these years in the school garage, and couldn’t stop herself from ramming into the front gate of the posh institute.

Rather than wait for a cast mate to become embroiled in “legal issues” — that’s the nice term for criminal activity — Bravo will greenlight a Real Housewives spin-off that cuts to the chase with The Real Inmates of Cell Block B. The reality-TV series will feature actual women in a penitentiary and may include Housewives alum Erika Jayne and Jen Shah, depending on how their aforementioned “legal issues” turn out. However, New Jersey star and former inmate Teresa Giudice will be on hand to give advice on how to survive in the Big House.

LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION

Trixie Mattel, Katya, Lady Bunny, Coco Peru, Jujubee, Miss Vanjie and Latrice Royale will headline the 1974 disaster flick Earthquake remake called Shook, in which a group of plucky drag queens must find their way out of a bar decimated by The Big One hitting Los Angeles. Unfortunately for all the bottoms in WeHo, it’s not the time to be a size queen, seeing as the 9.5, in this case, is on the Richter scale and not related to a, um, unit of measurement in a Scruff profile.

The premise of featuring drag queens in deadly scenarios will spark a new film genre, akin to Lifetime’s Women in Jeopardy films, but will be referred to as Queens in Jep. Look for titles such as Gaggedcentering around kidnapping and human trafficking, while Henny features a monstrous chicken terrorizing the populace of Provincetown!

In an effort to make things right for donating money to politicians who supported Florida’s Don’t Say Gay bill, Disney announces the animated feature Just Say Gay. But the tale of what the world would look like without our kind misses the mark in its stereotyped account of Ron DeSantis’s wife Casey not being able to find anyone to do her hair, makeup, floral arrangements or decorate the Governor’s Mansion. Poor bish! Looks like she could use the help. Just sayin’.

And speaking of the House of Mouse . . . Nine Perfect Strangers hottie Luke Evans will star in the studio’s first R-rated cartoon as its first-ever gay Prince. This distinction comes as a consolation prize for Disney+ canceling the Beauty and the Beast prequel, in which he’d reprise his role as Gaston from the 2017 live action film. However, in an effort to not distance the project from “the tale as old as time” one that got the ax, Evans will portray Asston in Booty and the Beast.

LISTEN UP

And speaking of music, RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 14 contestant Willow Pill, who recently came out as trans in an Instagram post, will channel their inner Alanis Morrisette by releasing the album Jagged Willow Pill. Masked gay country crooner Orville Peck, whose new album Bronco drops this month, will continue his penchant for covering artists like Lady Gaga and Bronski Beat with his rendition of The Village People’s “YMCA.” And in the video, he will not only portray the cowboy persona, but all the rest of the group as well. Sometimes it takes one person to be a village, people! Seeing as Kylie Minogue’s last two musical efforts were thematic, in the form of 2018’s country flavored Golden and the appropriately named Disco from 2020, the Impossible Princess will reveal that her next musical endeavor will consist of yodeling, all set to a funky beat. And you won’t be able to get them out of your yodel-lay-hee-hoo head! Too much? Seeing as Madonna and Britney Spears spend a great deal of time posting risqué pics on Instagram, the duo will reunite on a dance floor duet, marking their first collaboration since 2003’s “Me Against the Music.” The song “Insta-gratification” will extol the benefits of getting likes and cheekily encourages their followers to “slide into my DM, again and again.”

READING IS FUNDAMENTAL

Dolly Parton, who recently teamed up with author James Patterson on the thriller Run, Rose, Run, continues her literary streak by penning books based on her songs. Look for the titles Killin’ 9 to 5, Here You Come Again . . . With a Knife and The Coat of Many Colors, Mostly Blood Red to race up the bestseller chart! To give a big eff you to book banning in Texas, several childhood favorites will be re-imagined with LGBTQ themes and covertly placed in libraries in the Lone Star State. The retooled efforts will include Frog and Toad Are Life Partners, Clifford the Big Gay Dog, It’s Peppermint Patty’s Softball Tournament, Charlie Brown and Bi-Curious George Buys a Taco and a Hot Dog.

CELEBRI-TEA

Taron Egerton coming out as gay won’t be too much of a shock to those that have been paying attention to his career as of late. Not only did the 32-year-old thespian give a bravado performance as Elton John in Rocketman in 2019, but his latest project is in the London West End play Cock — um hello! — in which he plays one half of a gay couple whose relationship is shaken up by one of them falling for a woman! Todrick Hall will continue to do PR damage control after his controversial stint on Celebrity Big Brother, where he employed a number of cutthroat methods to place second on the reality-TV show. This situation is coupled with fending off accusations of poor working conditions from a former videographer for the singer/ dancer. Figuring that aligning himself with the Make-A-Wish charity will get him back into our good graces only ends up backfiring, seeing as the only wish people would have is of going back to a time where we didn’t see his bad side. But E for effort, Todrick!

CUT. PRINT. THAT’S A WRAP!

And there you have it when you have too much free time on your hands to imagine a wealth of entertainment news. But who knows, maybe one or two of these will come to pass. And if that’s the case, you can make the checks out to me, Hollywood. But if you instead take umbrage with my suppositions and want to get your lawyers involved, then it was “other kids” who wrote this. Until next time, that’s all the news that’s fit to print.