Spring 2018 by Just Between Us

E N C O U RA G I N G & E Q U I P P I N G W O M E N F O R A L I F E O F FA I T H Spring 2018

Soul Getaway by Sharon Gamble, pg16

www.justbetweenus.org

Your Place in Godâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Story

by Megan Fate Marshman, pg14

18 Walking Alongside the Hurting 24 Every Woman Needs a Girlfriend! 26 Choosing Hope

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

34 The Ups and Downs of Parenting Adult Children

“Shame keeps us striving for acceptance, but grace gives us an eternal belonging.” just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

– K AY L A A I M E E

AVA I L A B L E F E B R U A RY 6 Need to remind yourself of who God says that you are?

Get your free set of beautifully designed affirmation cards by visiting inbloombook.com • #inbloombook 2

inspiration

Between You and Me “We think that we spend our lives serving others, but the Lord has a twofold plan.”

the girls never knew I didn’t want them there. Everyone except me had a wonderful break. Years later, my daughter Judy and I wrote a book together about our relationship. To my amazement, she wrote about that break and that very incident. What I didn’t know is that she had been struggling with all sorts of problems at that time, and it was one of those girls who I had not wanted there who saw it. I didn’t see it, but this girl whisked my daughter away and helped her deal with her struggles. We had entertained angels unaware. I sat at the kitchen table that day with Judy and cried. I was able to share with her my struggles that spring break. Later Judy prayed, “I’m thankful, Lord, that it turned out that way, because I don’t know where I’d be if that girl hadn’t helped me.” Now Judy offers hospitality to her own “multitude” of needy people. There have been so many times when God has brought angels unaware to our home in human form. As we open our homes to the people He brings along, God never forgets that you and your family need ministering to as well. We think that we spend our lives serving others, but the Lord has a twofold plan. He wants us to learn how to serve others and become more like Him. And then He turns around our serving and our situations to heal us, to care for us, and to grow us up, often through the very people we have helped. Always be willing to open your home. You never know when you might be entertaining angels unaware! In His Joy,

Jill Briscoe is the founder of Just Between Us. She is also a popular author and international speaker living in suburban Milwaukee, Wis., with her husband Stuart.

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

When our kids were in college, I worked three months to get us all together for two brief days over spring break. I planned those two days like I planned little else. About two weeks before our precious time together, I got a letter from a missionary friend. As I opened it, I had a sense of foreboding. Dear Jill and Stuart, I know the sort of home you keep and remembered your kind offer of hospitality, and that’s why I have no hesitation asking this favor. My daughter, who is in the States for college, has nowhere to go for spring break, and I took it upon myself to invite her to your home. I know you always have a full house, so I knew that one more wouldn’t make a difference. Thanks in advance. “Lord, it’s not fair!” my heart cried out. From experience I knew it wouldn’t be just one college girl—it would likely be two other roommates who didn’t have anywhere to go either. (In fact, it ended up being six!) I was grieving the loss of the special two days with our family—because I knew they wouldn’t be our two days anymore, so I began my bargaining process with God. “God, I’ll have her for the whole summer. Will that do? Or for two whole weeks next semester.” Of course, there was no response to that. After a while, I put the letter on my bed and knelt down and prayed. “Lord, I wanted so much for this to be our time as a family. You know that the rest of my life’s always been full of everyone else’s children. This isn’t fair of You.” When I didn’t hear His voice saying, “Okay, you don’t have to take them this time!” the best response I could come up with was, “Lord, I’ll do it, but don’t ever let them know I didn’t want them here.” I knew that wasn’t very spiritual, but it was the best I could do. I’ve learned to tell God what I can do, not what I can’t. He accepts us the way we are, not the way we know we should be. And that’s what He did with me. He took me where I was, and

www.justbetweenus.org

Contents vol 28 no 2 S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

God’s Story Definitely Involves You Becoming part of a story bigger than you can imagine.

24 26

by Sharon Gamble

by Seana Scott and Martha Ybarra

Soul Getaway Making a day of it with God each month to feed your soul.

Spiritual Friendships Every woman needs a friend to do life with.

Beauty in the Storm You can find God’s goodness in the broken and the beautiful. by Katie Davis Majors

by Megan Fate Marshman

E N C O U RA

QUIPPIN GING & E

Spring 2018

Soul Getaway

H E O F FA I T FOR A LIF G WOMEN

org

etweenus. www.justb

Your Place’s in God Story

Fate by Megan pg14 Marshman,

Alongside 18 Walking the Hurting an 24 Every Wom iend! Needs a Girlfr Hope 26 Choosing and 34 The Ups ting Downs of Paren Adult Children

G us S P R I N just between

2018

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

ble, pg16 by Sharon Gam

FOR SUBSCRIPTIONS call toll-free 800-260-3342, or visit our website justbetweenus.org. From Canada call 262-786-6478.

Adulting Children Ready or not, your child is now an adult. That means a different kind of relationship than you have been used to for the last 18 years. Discover how to navigate through this new season of parenting. by Susan Lawrence

inspiration

Welcome from the Editor

you are in need of His presence—which is everywhere all the time! I can’t think of any one of us who doesn’t need a big dose of hope every now and then. We want Just Between Us to be the place you can go where your hope can be restored and your spirit uplifted again because you’re part of a sisterhood that cares about you deeply, prays for you daily, and wants to remind you that you don’t walk this journey alone. Without even being aware of it, the Holy Spirit has woven the message of hope all throughout this issue (He is the editor of this magazine after all!) From Megan Fate Marshman’s article on page 14 about reaching out to a world in need of hope to Katie Davis Majors’ book excerpt Daring to Hope on page 26, you’ll find an anchor for your soul that’s firm and secure. You’ll also meet women who have walked through some hard things, but who have come out on the other side with their hope intact… and a wonderful interview with author Sarah Beckman, on page18, who shows us how to walk alongside others in their moments of trials—in those moments when the lights in their souls have gone dark. So God not only gives us hope as an anchor for ourselves, but He uses us to give it to others. It’s my prayer that the Holy Spirit will use every word to whisper His hope into your hearts throughout this issue and new year. And in the words of Paul, “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” (Rom. 15:13). Until Next Time,

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

Dear Friends, Happy New Year! I can’t believe it’s already time to flip the calendar again to look ahead with anticipation as another year dawns. And part of the joy of the new year is thinking about you! I so appreciate you being a subscriber to Just Between Us magazine. And I want to especially welcome those of you who have joined us this issue—we’re so glad you’re here! We are excited to share this journey of faith with you, giving you hope and encouragement as you face whatever this year brings. And for all of you long-term subscribers, know that we don’t take you for granted. You remain close to my heart through my prayers for you. Every word of every issue has been put together with your spiritual refreshment and encouragement in mind! And, it continues to be a privilege for me—along with all our team—to invest in your lives spiritually year after year. We are more committed than ever to doing that in 2018. In thinking about this new year, the Lord kept putting the word “hope” on my heart. And the more I reflected on it, the more strongly I felt led to make that Just Between Us’ word for the year. We’ve never done that before, so I’m excited to see what God does as we make that our focus. Without hope, the lights very easily get turned off in our souls, and the strength to keep going somehow disappears leaving behind only darkness. As George Iles says, “Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark.” Think about this ministry as one of God’s personal ways of holding His hand out to you when you are in those dark places or any place

www.justbetweenus.org

Contents

CREDITS

vol 28 no 2 S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

03 Between You and Me

Bits & Pieces

General Manager Mary Perso

Renewals Manager Nancy Krull

Assistant Editor Suzan Braun

Marketing Andrea Buchanan Julie Santiago Julie Wedel

Advisory Board Anita Carman Pam Farrel Judy Briscoe Golz Nancy Grisham Susan Lawrence Pam MacRae Elizabeth Murphy Jackie Oesch Stephanie Seefeldt

Transforming Moments

F E AT U R E S

18 FA I T H C O N V E R S AT I O N S Loving People Well We all know someone facing a trial. Author Sarah Beckman provides practical tools so you can walk alongside people in their times of greatest need. by Elizabeth Murphy 18

Donor Development Associate/ Social Media Ashley Schmidt Subscriptions Jeanette Kay Julie Matthews Barb Pechacek Lin Sebena Software Support Rebecca Loesche Photographer Wayde Peronto/ Babboni Photography

ADVERTISING Lindy Mason For more information call 407.293.6636 or email Lindy@faithbasedmediagroup.net.

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

Web Debbie Wicker

Art Director Kelly Perso

Kisses from Katie

Editor Shelly Esser

Editorial Assistants Aubrey Adams Constance B. Fink Gayle Gengler Betty Hinds Cherry Hoffner Jen Symmonds Susan Vanselow

Welcome from the Editor 5 Joni’s Corner

Circulation Manager Suzan Braun

Web Director Mary Ann Prasser

I N S P I R AT I O N

Between Readers

Executive Editor Jill Briscoe

MANUSCRIPTS/QUERIES (cannot be returned) Send requests for writer’s guidelines and all manuscripts to: Just Between Us, Editor 777 S. Barker Road, Brookfield, WI 53045

Petition Shift The best request is: change me!

Email: submissions@justbetweenus.org

by Susan Cruickshank 32

SUBSCRIPTIONS Subscription Price: $19.95 per year for four issues. Outside US, add $6 per year prepaid US currency; $5 in Canada.

Gift Your Ministries: Group subscriptions are now available at reduced rates. Encourage and inspire the women who make ministry happen at your church or other places of outreach or service to others. Energize their relationships, refresh their faith, and become equipped as a team for facing ministry challenges through JBU. For more information, call 800-260-3342 today!

by Stuart Briscoe 28

Real Faith

My Journey with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder How one woman came to terms with her PTSD diagnosis—and found hope and healing along the way.

Chronic Hope

Just Between Us (ISSN 1069-3459) is published quarterly by Just Between Us, 777 South Barker Road, Brookfield, WI 53045-3701.

by Susan E. Butcher 30

Between Friends

Keep It Simple Sweetheart Marriage is all about adjustments based on commitment.

ENCOURAGEMENT 36 38

The Homefront It is Well

Make all checks and money orders payable to: Just Between Us, Subscription Orders 777 S. Barker Road, Brookfield, WI 53045

The Deeper Life

Healthy Emotions Digital Wellness

45 46

To order by phone, or for more information: call 800.260.3342. From Canada call 262.786.6478. Email: jbu@justbetweenus.org Website: www.justbetweenus.org Periodical Postage Paid at Brookfield, WI and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to: Just Between Us, 777 S. Barker Road, Brookfield, WI 53045. Just Between Us is a member publication of the Evangelical Press Association. Copyright ©2018 by Just Between Us. All rights reserved. Printed in USA. We occasionally share subscriber mailing addresses with select organizations. If you would like your name removed from direct mail promotional lists, please call 800-260-3342 or email jbu@justbetweenus.org.

Find Freedom in Unsatisfaction

NEW BOOK f r o m Amy Simpson author of Troubled Minds

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

ivpress.com

inspiration / between

Q: A:

readers

Looking for a spiritual nugget to lift your day or encourage your heart? Your fellow JBU readers want to help! We asked,

THE WORD

What has brought you the most encouragement during times of crises?

“My favorite worship music, a quick message from someone saying they know I’m hurting, a conversation with my mom, sister, or a friend, or a blog or an online sermon. I was recently inspired by a quote from C.H. Spurgeon, ‘To trust God in the light is nothing, but to trust God in the dark—that’s faith.’ How often do I dwell in my own pity instead of trusting God who has the big picture of everything? How often do I forget what Jesus sacrificed? My blessings, my faith, my love for Jesus—that’s the encouragement I need. ” Nicole Brown Mom, Wife, Realtor / Stone Bank, Wis.

62 Likes

“I survived the days, weeks, and months following the loss of my husband only by experiencing God’s constant peace. ‘Yet I am always with you. You hold me by my right hand’ (Ps. 73:23). I would actually close my eyes and picture Him holding my hand. This verse was right next to our front door. The amazing compassion shown through anonymous gifts of money, notes, and even toilet tissue helped me move from day to day. Saying things like, ‘Buck up and move on’ is not helpful. Choose your words carefully. Finally, take one day at a time, and pray continually!”

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

Kay Bourgeois Mother and Grandmother / Waukesha, Wis.

“It’s often those small touches, actions, and words that have had the most impact. Once when I was sick, a friend told me she was stopping by to pick up my kids for the afternoon so I could rest. She also brought over some soup and bread for my lunch. It meant so much. If she had asked if there was anything she could do, I would probably have said no. She took the initiative. Other things: a random text with an encouraging word or prayer, cards in the mail, coffee chats, a listening ear, a long hug, flowers, and no judgment. To be honest, there are many times when I’m in great need of encouragement, and it doesn’t come from other people, but by putting on some worship music and spending time with the Lord. He is my greatest encourager and knows just what my heart needs.”

49 Likes

Melissa Gill Independent Consultant at Lilla Rose / Anchorage, Ala.

Follow Just Between Us Magazine on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram.

ARE YOU

INTERRUPTIBLE?

Are you open to the God moments? Or are you going to serve Him only when you get to someplace “important”? Your part in God’s big story is bringing others to Jesus, and your part is significant now.

w w w. d a v i d c c o o k . c o m

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

Available in print and digital wherever books are sold, or call David C Cook 800.323.7543

inspiration

Joni’s Corner

heart-to-heart with Joni Eareckson Tada

Email me! response@ joniandfriends.org.

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

Visit my site! joniandfriends.org

A Better Country I recently attended a funeral to pay respects to a 62-year-old man who had died from pancreatic cancer. This graveside service lifted my heart—for more than one reason. We sang hymn after hymn about heaven. If you know me, you’ll know that’s one of my all-time favorite things to do. His relatives sang with a robust passion, clearly convinced of the Better Country to which we are all heading. As I began to wheel away after the service, Michelle, the deceased man’s 20-year-old daughter, ran up and stopped me. Dabbing her eyes and with an unsteady voice, she shared a conversation she’d had with her dad the day before he passed away. She explained that her father had been very restless that day, unwilling to let go. When she asked him why he seemed so agitated—even anxious— he sighed and hoarsely whispered, “Oh honey…I grieve that I won’t be here to walk you down the aisle.” Mustering every effort to console her precious father, Michelle replied, “Oh Daddy, please don’t let that bother you. After all, you are a man of Hebrews 11. You are heading for a Better Country. There’s nothing to miss about my earthly wedding. My dress will fade and become torn. My wedding photos will yellow with age. My body will grow old and turn to dust. But

everything in heaven will last forever, and I will meet you at the real wedding on the other side!” Immediately, Michelle’s dad relaxed, and a smile came over his face. They both knew that what she had said was true. The next day he let go of his grip on this world and peacefully entered heaven. Before I wheeled away, Michelle told me, “You know what, Joni? I meant everything I said to him. I meant it. Heaven will be that good.” Michelle, heartbroken as she may have been, was so right. Heaven is that good because God is that good. Heaven is a Better Country—not because of its location, its scenery, its cities, its rewards, its duration, or all the wonders that “eye has not seen nor ear heard nor heart imagined.” Heaven is a Better Country because of the One who will open the gate for us and welcome us home, the One who waits for us at this very moment: Savior. God with Us. Advocate. Friend of Sinners. Heaven is not a continent-sized New Jerusalem, descending like a multi-dimensional, spectral star. It’s not merely the river of life, and the rustle of healing leaves on the magnificent trees lining its banks. Heaven is not even your made-just-for-you residence in the safety and splendor of the Father’s house. When you think of heaven, set aside all the “things” that you normally envision—gold streets, pearly gates, and rainbow thrones. After all, those are simply signposts pointing you to a much better reality than 24-karat asphalt, or a big pearl swinging on hinges. Jesus is the One who makes heaven a home. To think about heaven is to think about Jesus. To pursue

heaven with your heart is to pursue Him. Jesus is who makes the Better Country better. So, I am with Michelle. And her daddy, too. Sure, I like earth, and my hometown in California is nice, but it pales in the light of one day feeling my Savior’s embrace. Home is pretty good here, but I long for the day when “I shall see the King in his beauty and a land that stretches afar” (Isa. 33:17). I have a glorious homesickness for heaven, and it’s because I’m in love with Jesus. And like anyone who’s in love, I want to be where my Beloved is—that glorious, Better Country. In the meantime? Make the most of every opportunity to speak about your King and His Country. Issue “Gospel-passports” to your neighbors, family, friends, and coworkers. Because I want to see not only you, but your loved ones in heaven. And once you are in that Better Country, how will you know me? Somehow, I don’t think that will even be an issue. But just in case, look for the radiant young woman who never stops running, leaping, and dancing—and never lets Jesus out of her sight for even a minute. Joni Eareckson Tada, the founder of Joni and Friends International Disability Center, is an advocate for people with disabilities, providing Christ-centered programs for special-needs families through retreats. She has also delivered over 100,000 wheelchairs and Bibles to disabled people in developing nations. A diving accident in 1967 left Joni, then 17, a quadriplegic. Her new daily devotional, A Spectacle of Glory, contains fresh biblical insights from her battle with cancer and chronic pain. Joni also serves as general editor of the new Beyond Suffering Bible, a special edition published by Tyndale for those who suffer from chronic conditions, and their caregivers. She and her husband, Ken, live in Calabasas, Calif.

inspiration

Kisses from Katie

living the surrendered life with Katie Davis Majors

Visit my site! amazima.org

Courage is to say, “I am afraid,” but am willing to walk it anyway. Courage is to stand broken and limping and look into these faces around us, His faces, and say, “Not my will, but yours, Father.” Courage is to say, “I don’t want to do this,” but I grab tightly to a slaughtered Son, and let His blood pool in my sin-holes, and allow Him to pull me with Him into glory.

Today I gaze at my Savior, and I know: courage is not the absence of fear. Today we remember the moment we were engraved into the palms of His hands. We believe that He holds us still. Tonight, He dies, and I learn to live. To live willing to spill out, and let Him fill. Katie Davis Majors lives in Uganda, and she and her husband, Benji, are the parents of 13 adopted daughters and one son. In 2008, she started Amazima Ministries International, a non-profit organization to meet the physical, emotional, educational, and spiritual needs of the people of Uganda (amazima.org). Additionally, she is the author of Kisses for Katie: A Story of Relentless Love and Redemption, and her newest book, Daring to Hope. Follow Katie’s blog at katiedavis.amazima.org.

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

He Carries Us! We sit in the lantern light late into the night, and the tears stream. We sit broken, and I choke out the ugly words, words that have been there, but I have been too appalled to voice. “Sometimes I am afraid to trust the will of God.” All these shortcomings, all these iniquities, I let them flow. “I do trust Him, but sometimes I am still afraid of what He might bring next.” We sit long and spill the ugly, inadequate tears, and we let His light fill up the holes. I murmur, thinking out loud, “God did not give me a spirit of fear…. Perfect love drives out fear….Do not be afraid for I am with you….” I know these words well; they are etched in my heart. But do I believe them? Am I foolish enough to think that things would be better if I were in control? It hits me. “If I was in control, I would not send my only child to die for this crazy world.” I think of Him who would carry my burden. I think of a pool of blood drenching my brokenness. I can hardly stand as I think of Him bent low carrying my sin—that too heavy cross—and all of this. My Savior. Fully God, but fully human. He knows sorrow to the point of death, anguish, and sweat like great drops of blood, and fear of

what might come even at the hand of the Father. “Yet not my will, but Yours,” He says. Can we follow His lead? Yesterday we pressed the blood out of the lamb, the stench enough to make one gag. We kneaded bread free from yeast reminding us to be free from sin—only by the blood of this Savior. We are reminded to run hard from our distrust, “Not my will, Father, but yours.” We eat the bitter green and remember bitterness in life and the way our Savior has just soaked it all up. Remembering all the long way He carried those Israelites. Remembering all the long way, He carried that cross. Remembering all the long way, He carries us. Oh, how He carries us! Now my tears flow not because I do not want. I am crying because how can I not when I think of this lifeblood flowing from His side, and Him in such anguish thinking of me—of all of us. I weep knowing that each time I hide my face, and refuse to take this cup the Father has given me, I drive those nails deeper and He, in great pain, hangs there willingly. No. We will not hide. Today we approach this cross unworthily and we grab on to the Savior’s feet. We cling tight. We let this blood pool. We remember the ugly stench of our sin. We believe that when He rises Sunday, we will rise with Him. He will take us by the hands and pull us with Him, yet again, allowing us to rise into His glory. Today I gaze at my Savior, and I know: courage is not the absence of fear.

inspiration

Bits & Pieces

for everyday faith and life

New Year’s Healthy Eating Resolutions 1. Add a body devotional to morning prayer time. I had to find the love and gratitude for my body that were not contingent on me being a certain size or shape. I took a few weeks off from working out until I grew grateful for what I had. I prayed in thanksgiving for my body.

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

2. Pray over the food you eat and your intention behind it, that it may be more about love than about satiating your worldly appetite. In Romans, Paul says, “Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food.” Eating a cupcake to celebrate my daughter’s birthday is very different from diving into one-too-many pieces of pizza while bingewatching Netflix. 3. Pray daily over your agenda, including work and exercise. I pray each day for God’s to-do list to trump my own and that I direct my energies wisely for His glory. 12

~Excerpted from Only Love Today by Rachel Macy Stafford

Putting on the Armor of God Every morning we get up, we get dressed, and we prepare ourselves for the day. We wouldn’t think of running out the door without clothes. And yet, how often do we run out the door without our spiritual wardrobe on? God has given us spiritual clothes to wear—His mighty armor—to ready our minds and hearts for the battle we face. Next time you get dressed, don’t forget to put on your protective gear! Belt of Truth (John 8:31-32) Breastplate of Righteousness (Proverbs 13:6) The Shoes of Peace (John 14:27)

Words of Wisdom “If you believe in a God who controls the big things, you have to believe in a God who controls the little things. It is we, of course, to whom things look ‘little’ or ‘big.’” ~Elisabeth Elliot

“Some days it doesn’t take much energy to celebrate or move through life effortlessly. Other days, it’s the little things that are intentionally celebrated to get you through the day. There is always something to be thankful for—even when the journey feels more like a crawl than a walk.” ~Aubrey Adams

The Shield of Faith (Psalm 33:20) The Helmet of Salvation (Psalm 38:22) The Sword of the Spirit (Hebrews 4:12-13) ~Aubrey Adams

Write Us! Please send your short (250 words or less) snippets to: submissions@ justbetweenus.org.

inspiration

Transforming Moments breakthrough insights with Anita Carman

Visit my site! inspirewomen.org

many who weren’t grateful for His sacrifice? Do I change my priorities to save Ebony, a relationship I care about personally, to save those who may never recognize my sacrifice? What I learned from Jesus is not to weigh whether something or someone is worth my sacrifice based on the response I am getting, but to weigh the sacrifice, based on my desire to obey God. Being obedient to God is worth the sacrifice because He is worthy. That’s the only way I can get through periods in my life when my calling takes me away from relationships I care about personally. Instead of feeling resentful, I find joy in service based on my relationship with God my Father. Tatiana Fox, my spiritual daughter said, “In life, we will have good days and bad days. It’s okay for you to have some bad days.” So as I lay my good days and my bad days on the altar, I celebrate that God my Father is worthy of all my days. I don’t know how long God will allow me to have Ebony in my life, but I do know that in the time we share together, he continues to be a faithful and loyal pup. As I trust God with Ebony’s time on earth, I pray that I will stay the course—and remain loyal to God’s cause and serve well. Anita Carman is the Founder and President of Inspire Women, an organization that inspires women across ethnicities, denominations, and economic levels to connect their lives to God’s purpose. It also funds biblical resources and scholarships to train women for missions and ministry. She has an M.B.A. and M.A.B.S. from Dallas Theological Seminary. Anita writes a regular devotional and is author of Transforming for a Purpose and A Daughter’s Destiny. She lives in Houston, Tex., with her husband, Robert; they have two sons.

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

Deciding with the Mind of Christ Ebony, my 70-pound labradoodle shows up in many of my teaching illustrations because he’s around me a lot. There are times he walks so closely behind me that he walks right into me. He literally hides in my shadow the way God instructs us in His Word to find our safety in His shadow. Clearly, this canine friend has been more than a pup in our household. At the same time, God continues to give me opportunities to put His kingdom first and not allow my emotions in any earthbound relationship to distract me. For example, when the vet found a tumor in Ebony’s abdomen, I knew it didn’t matter what my heart was feeling; I needed to stay the course because I had been set apart for God’s mission, and a lot of people were counting on me to keep leading. My flesh wanted to protect my canine friend. But, God’s Spirit in me challenged me to prioritize human souls whose decisions have eternal consequences. There are times when our heart battles with our mind, but in the end, it is the mind of Christ in us that will serve as the anchor in our lives. The Apostle Paul tells us in 1 Cor. 2:16, “But we have the mind of Christ.” When I shared these thoughts with a friend, she wrote back, “That

is so beautiful, I have tears in my eyes. You have no idea how much clarity this gave me to something I’ve been struggling with. Thank you for your inspired words, sweet friend.” Another friend wrote, “Your Ebony is for you like my brother is for me. God must have shown you I needed that. Praise the Lord! Thanks!” Their comments reminded me that though our relationships may be different, we share similar heart-tugging emotions. In life, we all face decisions with our close relationships where our heart may want one thing but our mind cautions us to show restraint. In my situation with Ebony, do I decide to spend as much time and resources as possible to save his life? Decisions in life often take place in a context of choices. Choices are necessary when you are allocating a finite amount of time and resources to your personal needs and to the needs around you. When God’s call in my life impacts my resources to the point where I am unable to allocate all my time and resources to what I care about personally, I must choose to either let my heart lead or to submit to God’s leadership. It is during times like these that I understand in a greater way how Jesus felt and the level of sacrifice He made for us on the cross. When God’s Word tells us that we love because He first loved us, this also tells me that Jesus made a choice to love us, in obedience to His Father. Would He have preferred to stay in heaven with the Father rather than to leave home and be away for 33 years, for people who didn’t know Him, and for

Godâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Story DEFINITELY INVOLVES

YOU To reach a world in need of hope.

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

by Megan Fate Marshman

On that chapel day, God invited me to participate in what He was up to. Sometimes I convince myself that I can take out the trash, that I’m really helping, with my own abilities. I’m sure Foster, my little son, thought he was really helping too. But if his dad were to have let go, the whole thing would have simply dropped to the ground. God is standing right beside us, hand in hand, inviting us to play a part in the most epic story ever told. There is one ginormous story happening all around us. It’s not our story. No one person on earth is even the main character. Not you, not me. But the God of the universe invites us to play a part. We get to help take out the trash because relationship with you and me is so important to Him. He loves to do a partnership, a duet, with you, as He’s spinning out His epic tale. He not only invites you to play a part in His story; He also pursues you to be in it.

GOD PURSUES IMPERFECT PEOPLE Let’s go back to the garden: “The LORD God called to the man, ‘Where are you?’” (Gen. 3:9) That’s what I’d like to ask you, my wonderful reader: Where are you? In this insane world of sin and shame and brokenness, where are you? What lies have you been believing? Where have you been running to find approval? Where are you as you hold your cup? In a place where you hold outward or upward? Because the weird part about holding the cup outward is that other people’s approval actually does satisfy. It actually does make you feel okay about yourself if you can get enough of it from the right people at the right time. It will make you feel just good enough to get by, maybe, but only for a minute. But sometimes it’s only satisfying enough to keep you coming back for more. It’s exhausting. But here’s something I’ve learned about this one big story we find ourselves in: yes, God’s the main character, but the good news is that God pursues imperfect people. And who God was, is who God is; and who God is, is who God will forever be. So, no matter where you are, no matter where you’ve been running to in your search for assurance that you’re a good-enough person, the fact is that there is a God who comes toward you. Who pursues you. When everyone else might want to run away from your mess, God draws near you. The Bible is not a story of people seeking God. This is the story of a perfect God who pursues imperfect people. That includes you. And me. So I ask you again: Where are you? God has placed you in a place, in a body, in a family, in a nation, in a situation—in this one time in history—and He has invited you to join Him in a story about reaching out to a world that needs hope. Excerpted from Selfless: Living Your Part in the Big Story of God ©2017 Megan Fate Marshman. Published by David C. Cook. All rights reserved. Used with permission.

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

Not long ago, I was sitting in a hammock in my backyard in California watching my husband roll the trash can from our backyard to our front yard. It was a very tranquil moment. I was loving that my husband actually takes out the trash. But as he was moving the trash from the back to the front, something happened that caught my attention. When my husband was halfway there, Foster, our son, who was one and a half years old at the time, ran up in his fleece monster onesie because he wanted to help. Aw, how cute. Up to that point, my husband had been moving rather quickly. It had been one of those go-getter days, when you don’t even stop to think because you’re just being so productive. Rather than seeing our son as a nuisance, which would have maintained my tranquil moment, he slowed down and invited our little man to play a part in taking out the trash. My husband tilted the trash can to the point where our son could put his little hands on the grungy handle and “help.” They moved slowly. So, so slowly. At first, sitting in the hammock watching all this, I thought it was cute. But then I recognized how incredibly inefficient it became. Something more than just taking out the trash was happening. Then I saw my husband’s eyes as he looked down at his son. He didn’t care that it took longer. In fact, he seemed overjoyed to be having that special moment alone with his son, side-byside, hand-by-hand. They smiled and continued. Ever. So. Slowly. The next day, I was scheduled to speak at a college chapel service. Just before I stepped onstage, I asked the Lord for a word: “Lord, what do You have? What do You want to teach me before I go teach others? What do You want to share with me so I can share it with others?” I listened earnestly. “You get to take out the trash.” “Yes! A metaphor.… So good. Boom!” I thought of the sindrenched audience and looked forward to taking out their trash! But just as quickly, it was as if the Lord said, “Um, no, you’re playing the part of your son in the illustration.” I was confused. “What do You mean? Are You saying I make You less efficient?” That was when I realized the truth in what I’d seen the day before: God is the only one who can actually take out the trash. I couldn’t take out the spiritual trash or the emotional trash or the trash of the past or the trash of the present. I couldn’t. My husband couldn’t. No more than my son could take out the physical trash on his own. So how did I think I could stand on a stage and take out the trash for an auditorium full of college students? How could I think that I could, sitting in a coffee shop with my friend, take out the trash that needed to get out of her life? Sometimes I get to be part of taking out the trash. If God invites me in. If I do it in partnership with Him. God, the one who is fully capable of doing it all by Himself, chooses the less efficient route … us. Why? Because that’s how He works. God cares more about our personal, intimate relationship with Him than our productivity for Him.

SOUL

getaway Spend time alone with God for a day.

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

by Sharon Gamble

When the weather allows, I walk a path beside the ocean, admiring waves crashing on rock and seagulls arched in the sky overhead. I sit. I admire. I listen. God stills my soul, and we are together, He and I, in the midst of His creation. It’s a day with a simple agenda: be with God, love, and be loved. The renewal and the resetting of priorities occurs each time I “stop” and recalibrate my heart. Why it’s hard to stop and run away for a day—and why you should anyway: 1. Our world tells us that being busy is synonymous with being important and needed. Stopping can feel lazy and negligent, especially when the accuser, Satan, whispers those words to us. Truth: The enemy of your soul would love to keep you so busy doing “good things” that you never do the best thing: spending actual time with your King. Peter warns us, “Be self-controlled and alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” (1 Pet. 5:8). We have an active enemy, and the last thing he wants us to do is the most important thing: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength” (Mark 12:30). It is neither lazy nor negligent to spend time with God. Ponder with me, though. How do you show others you really, deeply love them? You listen to them. You spend time with them. You get to know them. A day alone with a beloved friend or spouse is a joy. It’s a declaration of their importance. Jesus said loving God is the most important command. Spending quality time with God is obedience to the first and greatest commandment! 2. We often don’t feel “worth” it. Spend time and money, go to a café to just read, and walk for a day? I don’t deserve a day like that. Truth: God loves you. “I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God” (Eph. 3:16-19). His love for you is wider, longer, higher, and deeper than you can ever know. It surpasses knowledge. He Loves You! Delight in that truth with a day set apart just for Him. 3. The thought of time alone with God can feel overwhelming, especially without an agenda. You may wonder what you would do. What if it’s boring? What if there are no inspiring words from God? Truth: When I first started this practice of a TAWG day, I was bored. I did look at my watch. Stopping for a long period of time was so foreign to me, I didn’t know how. It took time and practice for a TAWG day to become a familiar joy. Now, I love my day away and find it too short. I don’t always walk away with profound truths or spiritual revelations. Sometimes I just read my Bible, journal my thoughts, whisper “I love You,” and I am content with that. I fill it with quiet, listening, and availability. What God does with my offering is up to Him. Remember, your TAWG day doesn’t have to be far or cost money. If a day away is physically or financially impossible at your place in life, consider an “at-home getaway” even for a few hours spending time basking in your Father’s presence. Jesus says in Matthew 11:28: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Just do that. Run to Him, and see how He chooses to meet you there. You will be changed, of that I am sure. Sharon Gamble is founder of Sweet Selah Ministries, helping busy women carve out quiet spaces to meet with God. With stories, humor, and biblical truth, Sharon speaks at women’s events and offers Sweet Selah retreats. The former USA National Director for Moms in Prayer International, she is a wife, mother of two daughters, a grandmother, and with her husband, caregiver for his dad. Learn more at SweetSelah.org or email Sharon at Sharon@ sweetselah.org. She’d love to hear your TAWG story.

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

I wake up with the usual battle raging in my head every time it’s my day to “run away.” My practical side points out all the important things waiting to be done and whispers, “A responsible person gets her work done before she takes a day off.” My heart side reminds me that the most important thing of all is actually a Person—and I’ve committed to meet with Him today. The phone rings, and yet another responsibility threatens to pull me back into the ebb and flow of daily living. But, for almost a decade now, I’ve been spending one day alone with God each month, and still I’m bombarded—every single month—with mental pictures of all the responsibilities I’m walking away from. “It’s always hard to leave. There is always too much to do.” It takes courage to pick up my time alone with God (TAWG) bag and walk myself out of the house and into the car—but I do it. The worship CD I chose the night before is waiting for me as I start the car. As the music begins, my heart starts to sing. “You chose time with God over all that stuff at home!” The fact that chores await me seems less urgent once I’m on my way. I stop and splurge on my favorite drink and speak out loud to my King, “Forgive me, Lord. It’s still hard to leave even though I want to be with You, and I know this is Your will for me. Bless this day, Father, with Your Presence and Your words. I give myself to You. Use me as You choose, teach me as You please, and help me to set aside all else for the pure joy of being ‘just us’ today.” Then I sing out loud in the car. And I do mean loud. Sometimes I literally weep for the joy of being on an adventure with the Lover of my Soul. With each mile and each song, the tensions from the week seep away. The belief that this time is more important than all else reasserts itself. I’m running away for a day with the One who loves me most, and life is very, very good. The drive to the ocean is about 45 minutes, just about the length of an average worship CD. I love music, so when I’m on a TAWG day, every word is heard, every harmony enjoyed. The drive is part of the time spent with the Lord. It’s musical prayer. It’s heart readjustment. It’s surrender and a reminder and victory depending on the song. The worship sets the tone for the day, and it’s so nice to sing and focus on God. What I do when I arrive at the ocean varies. I might sit in my favorite little café and order a pot of tea. If I choose to linger in a café that day, my Bible comes out, and I study. Perhaps I might read another chapter in A. W. Tozer’s, Holiness of God, my current TAWG book. I underline. I journal. I sit. I wait for God to still my soul.

Loving People Well Author Sarah Beckman talks about how to walk alongside people in times of trials.

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

by Elizabeth Murphy

Author and speaker Sarah Beckman knows that trials in our lives have a way of telling on us so when hardship comes the word gets out.

JBU: You use the term “alongsider.” What does that mean?

First to those nearest and dearest and then slowly, but eventually, to those who don’t know us well but care enough to want to help. The question then becomes “How?” That’s the answer Sarah so beautifully gives in her book, Alongside: A Practical Guide for Loving Your Neighbor in their Time of Trial. Sarah will never forget how her community came to the aid of her family as a child when they were forced to leave their home and her dad was dying. “I was the youngest of 14 kids. My family had everything: the lake house, the boats, the cars, the country club, the fancy everything. Unfortunately, my dad was an alcoholic and put our family into bankruptcy. Because of that, my mom was told that she had one month to get out of our house. She had 14 kids and literally nowhere to live. Eventually, she found a place for us, but it was a broken-down farmhouse, and it was unlivable. People came alongside our family at that time. They shoveled coal to heat the house for winter, they built stairs so we could actually get upstairs, they gave us clothes, food, furniture, and they painted. We wouldn’t have gotten through that time without people who came alongside our family. And now, everything I learned as a little girl, I’ve been able to turn around and use to help others.” Sarah insists that you don’t have to be gifted to care for people; you just need the right tools. Look at what you are good at already, and help from there. Jesus’ simple directive to “love your neighbor as yourself ’” has fueled an especially deep passion in Sarah. She believes we are all called to love and believes we can all do it if only we are better equipped to do so. Just Between Us recently talked with Sarah about giving encouragement to people in their times of greatest need and what it means to be an “alongsider.”

Sarah: I call it the decade of hardship with bed rest due to pregnancy complications, four debilitating back surgeries, and three terminal illnesses among close friends and family. As someone who both needed help and wanted to help, I wanted to bridge the gap between good intentions and beautiful relationships. My brother-in-law was very near the end with terminal cancer, and I was talking to my sister about why some people seem to be better at knowing what to do in situations like this and others don’t. Because of my own experiences, many people were asking me for advice, so I decided to combine these two thoughts and write the book.

Sarah: It’s something that has evolved as I’ve been living out the message of the book and talking it through with people. My heart’s desire is to eliminate intentions that never come to fruition, or worse, that go awry. I don’t want anyone to feel uncertain about helping someone in need ever again. That’s really where the term came from. I’m encouraging everyone to be an alongsider!

JBU: How did your own trials lead to the writing of this book?

JBU: You are motivated by your faith, but that hasn’t always been the case. Can you tell us about that? Sarah: I was raised in the church and believed in God, even prayed to Him when I needed something, but in adulthood, my faith had become lukewarm. I was missing a living vibrant relationship with the Lord. During my time of trial, He used my forced stillness to start speaking to me. It was the first time I ever owned a Bible, had someone pray over me, or had been in a position to receive from the Body of Christ. All of our church people were doing all these things for me. They assumed I had a genuine faith, but they were mistaking my service for a living relationship with God.

JBU: Do you think this is true for a lot of women in the church? Sarah: I do, which is part of why reaching out to people in trial is so important. When someone is in a hard place they are often more available than when things are going swimmingly in their life. They don’t recognize their need for the kind of 19

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

photo by Micah Kandros

faith conversations

comfort that comes out of spiritual depth when their circumstances are good, but when trouble comes, the door is open. When we bring God into the equation of a trial, we need to go in obedience and go with the Holy Spirit trusting that we don’t always know where someone is spiritually. But our prayer whatever it might look like— our alongside—could be a big catalyst for their faith. It was for me.

suicide, long-term illness, or abuse. Truly coming alongside means no matter how uncomfortable it is, these families need the same love, care, and concern, if not more, because people aren’t rushing over with the casserole. They are often rushing the other way. If we are called to come alongside as people who love the Lord, we have to love and care for all of His people. If Jesus is in you, you take Him wherever you go—even if you don’t utter a syllable. Often our presence can shine His light even more than our words, so just sitting with someone and praying quietly to yourself is the best thing you can do. Presence is powerful. It says, “I’m here for you. I’m with you.”

JBU: What is the role of prayer in coming alongside others?

JBU: How do we know our place when it comes to offering practical help?

Sarah: I’ve never had someone turn down my sincere offer to pray. Prayer brings comfort to me and so this is what I know how to do. I do always ask, “Would you mind if I prayed with you?”

JBU: Have you ever had an awkward reaction to your offer of prayer? Sarah: Yes. It can feel awkward leading up to it, but never afterwards because most often by then people are in tears. When I was on bed rest, pregnant with my daughter, my neighbor offered to pray with me. I remember feeling a little nervous, but feeling like I wouldn’t say no because I’m theoretically someone who believes in God, so I shouldn’t have a problem being prayed over. My friend laid her hand on my leg and prayed for me. I was never the same. I wept through the whole prayer. Lots of people sat in my “visitor’s” chair, brought food, babysat, did things for my husband, cleaned my house, and washed the dishes. You name it and people were doing it, but she was the first person who actually prayed over me and my unborn child, whom I was so anxious and nervous about. No one had ever done that for me before, and I will never forget it. There is a reason God used that so powerfully in my life, because I know what it feels like to be on the other side. Prayer helps you step into the darkness and usher people into the light that comes from knowing Jesus and knowing He is with them in the hard things of life.

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

JBU: You also talk about the importance of listening. Sarah: Yes, listening without trying to fix and not trying to offer advice or compare your story. When there are no words, let there be no words. There isn’t anything you can say to fix it, and when we try to fill that space with words, we end up hurting when we mean to be helping. This is especially true in messy situations like divorce,

Sarah: I am a big believer in the power of internal promptings, so if you feel prompted to do something, do it. As part of my research, I interviewed 50 people who had experienced a lot of hardship for their thoughts on what helped and what didn’t. The same things kept rising to the top. Understanding those things and where they are appropriate was what helped with all the checklists and other practical tools I included in the book. For example, before helping, it’s best to ask some questions of yourself like: Does this person consider me a close friend? Are they extended or immediate family members? What is my day-to-day context in their lives? Do I see them regularly? It’s easy to get carried away when you hear of a crisis and to want to jump in where it’s not appropriate. Understanding your place in the relationship, helps you decide what’s appropriate and what’s not. I call this the “Tier system” (see sidebar on page 22). It helps people find the freedom to say “no” when it’s not their place, and it compels them to step in when it is.

JBU: What is something that’s not helpful for people? Sarah: When you say, “Let me know what I can do.” This puts the burden on the other person. Ironically, the more general your offer is, the harder it is to accept. However, when you make that offer specific, like you can drive their kids home from school, go to the grocery store, or offer to help them specifically with whatever you’re good at. You can do that well and offer that. If you cut hair, go cut their hair. If you’re good at gardening, garden for them. Another situation that is hard for people is when someone dies. We want to say, “I’m sorry for your loss” which is really well meaning, but it’s a little generic. Empty. Tell the one grieving a story about the person they lost, especially if it’s one they’ve never heard before. “You know what my favorite thing about James was?” That means so much to someone when they’re facing loss. They don’t remember, “I’m sorry for your loss.” Give memories, not condolences.

JBU: How is this a conversation for everyone? Sarah: I don’t want anyone excluded from the conversation of learning how to love their neighbor in times of trial. I say at the beginning of the book that maybe the reader will be surprised by all the “Jesus” talk. They may not be loving their neighbor because God commanded it, but because they are a loving person who knows someone in need and wants to help, and it’s the right thing to do. God is using them whether they know it or not. Blessing someone in need is good for everyone. I want to make room for everyone in the conversation. I think everyone should do something. We can also do something that we are gifted or good at and not do what we are not gifted at.

STA N D A LO N G S I D E W O M E N WHO ARE SUFFERING You want to help those who are hurting, but where do you start? These resources will help you understand the issues of sexual abuse and global violence against women so that you can begin to engage in a solution.

ELAINE STORKEY

U N D E R S TA N D I N G A N D OVERCOMING VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN

“A survivor himself, Tim intersperses his own beautifully told story of healing throughout this extremely practical and biblical look at how to survive abuse and how to help those who’ve been abused. This book is a gift.”

“Elaine Storkey invites us on to the holy ground of countless women’s stories and powerfully takes up their cry: people need to know what’s happening. . . . Thank you, Elaine, for your matchless scholarship, your deep compassion, and your tireless work on behalf of vulnerable women.”

MICHAEL FROST,

LYNNE HYBELS, Willow Creek Community Church

author of To Alter Your World

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

ivpress.com

faith conversations

JBU: What do people find most challenging in helping others? Sarah: That “it’s not about you!” When you realize this, things that you took offense at in the past start to look very different. Like times when I was wondering why I didn’t get a thank-you note, for example, or wasn’t mentioned in a group message of thanks. It can’t be about you if you really want to serve in this selfless, Christ-like way. It’s not our natural bent, to be all about someone else’s needs, yet that’s what Jesus calls us to do.

JBU: Why are you so passionate about loving your neighbor?

But so many people feel unequipped so I want to equip them so they can love people well. One of my favorite verses is Matthew 25:21, “Well done, good and faithful servant!” but the next part of it says, “Come and share in your master’s happiness!” There is great joy in being the literal hands and feet of Christ as we are all called to be. He left that assignment to us, and so when we are doing it, it makes Him happy. Elizabeth Murphy has been a sought-after speaker for the last 15 years. She serves on several non-profit boards, teaches a Bible study, and is an author and regular columnist for JBU. She and her husband, Mike, have four sons and are grandparents to twins. They live in Brookfield, Wis. Visit her site at espeaks.net.

Sarah: So many people are hurting in this world. I want to be the person who rushes over to bring love, comfort, and caring because the world is so empty in so many places—and when we’re in the dark place, that’s when we need the love the most.

Sarah’s book, Alongside, is available at your favorite bookseller. Get more info at alongsidebook.com.

The Big Picture Getting a handle on the big picture is useful before you begin loving a person in need. Here is an area you need to know before you cross the street or pick up the phone. Know Your Place Knowing your place in the life of the person in crisis will help you know how to respond. The following list of questions might be of help as you do this. • Are they part of a church family or in my church family? • Do they have family living in close proximity? • Are there circumstances hindering my involvement?

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

Once you begin to think about the answers to these questions you will start to feel the nudge to either get involved immediately or wait to determine the best way you can help. Your level of relationship falls within the following categories: Tier 1: caregiver/close family or friend Tier 2: friend/neighbor/co-worker/church member/ sports teams/shared interests or organizations Tier 3: acquaintance/friend or family-of-a-friend/ knowledge by association Tier 4: infrequent interaction/don’t know them personally/never met 22

As you consider the list of questions, you should find yourself falling into one of these tiers. You cannot force yourself into someone else’s personal situation simply to make yourself feel better, especially if you have a Tier 3 or 4 relationship with them. However, as you begin to help in appropriate ways, your relationship to the person could change over time. Embark on your alongside journey with an open mind and a willing heart, letting God be your guide. And, be okay with your tier. If the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t try to shove your bare foot in the front door. In general: Tier 1 or 2: You likely feel the need to help immediately because of your close relationship with the person. Tier 3 or 4: If you have reservations about reaching out, it’s likely you aren’t very close to the person. Be patient and pray. I believe you will discover an appropriate way to express your support. Excerpted from Alongside by Sarah Beckman. ©2017. Morgan James Publishing: New York, New York. Used with permission.

THE STUDY BIBLE DESIGNED TO HELP KIDS DEVELOP

TRUE CHRISTIAN

CHARACTER Features include: • Book introductions • Good Morning, God devotionals • Heroes and Heroines biographical sketches

• Be All You Can Be values-building articles • Drawings, maps, and illustrations • Much more

• Women’s World and Men’s World life in Bible times

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

The CSB Study Bible for Girls and CSB Study Bible for Boys are developed specifically for kids ages 8-12. They are packed with unique study helps that help kids discover God’s truths and develop true Christian character during their most formative years.

spiritual friendships

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

Every woman needs a friend to do life with. by Seana Scott and Martha Ybarra

Last summer I, (Seana) wanted to quit motherhood. My family had just moved to a new city, and I felt isolated, frayed, and stuck. In the midst of it all, I called my friend Martha and vented. She affirmed me through silence and sighs, and she reminded me about the last move and how all the details worked out. Then she prayed for me to find the right grocery store and help my boys adjust. I needed Martha. But she needs me, too. Many times, I also offer her the silence of listening or words of wisdom. Women need each other—and not just for play dates at the park or pasta recipes. We need spiritual friendships that will nourish our souls. Martha and I want to share the joy of our spiritual friendship, including the ingredients of spiritual friendship and common mistakes to avoid.

finding a spiritual friend Seana and I (Martha) met through Facebook—one of the advantages of social media—and we set a friend-date at Starbucks. Our coffee turned cold as we laughed about newlywed adjustments. Her authenticity and kindness confirmed that I could trust her with my inner thoughts. When I (Seana) first met Martha, she offered to help me clean my house— and I let her. We spent hours laughing and talking as we mopped floors. God sparked an authentic friendship through Martha that day serving me in my place of felt need, which allowed the dirty floors of our hearts to open to one another. How do we find a spiritual friend? Pray. The Apostle John encourages us that if we ask anything according to God’s will, He hears us (1 John 5:14). Find someone who loves Jesus. The writer of Hebrews advocates for believers to spur one another on toward love and good deeds (Heb. 10:24), so look for someone whose love for God shows in the fruit of how she treats others (Ps. 119:63).

Find someone in your season of life. For example, if you’re a mom, find someone with kids similar to the age(s) of yours. Although not essential, finding someone with children whose ages nearly match those of your own helps you to live shoulder to shoulder in the same stage of life. Seek someone you can connect with regularly. We live in a unique time where deep friendships spring up from the diverse soils of social media, school events, and work places. However as a friendship buds, it needs time for connecting and listening. Ask the potential friend to hang out. This first step can feel awkward, but once you share stories over a cup of coffee, you will be glad you asked.

the main ingredient of spiritual friendships My (Martha) time with Seana refreshed me in the Lord—even when we just hung out while scrubbing dishes. So, I asked if she would become my prayer partner. We set a specific time daily, at first, to pray with one another. Now that our lives include numerous kids, we connect verbally less often but continue to pray for one another as we bathe our kids or whip up dinner. I (Seana) love the way Martha prays for me. When I don’t know how to pray for myself, her listening heart turns my concerns into clear words—like when my husband searched for a new ministry position and my oldest son struggled in school. In both circumstances, Martha prayed for specifics for a job and my son’s heart—the details I couldn’t express under the heat of anxiety. Prayer unites the hearts of friends in the Trinity. We approach the throne of the Father with one another through the blood of Jesus Christ, and the Spirit leads us in how to pray. Serving one another in prayer removes the toxic ingredients that sometimes spoil friendships.

how to nourish a spiritual friendship

and are perfected in Christ.’ This is the core of biblical friendship, and what sets it apart from what the world is offering: it all flows from Jesus Christ. Friendship finds its origin, purpose, and power in Jesus. Our human friendships then must be shaped by this life-changing truth. Biblical friendship is deep, honest, pure, transparent, and liberating. It is also attainable.” —The Company We Keep: In Search of Biblical Friendship by Jonathan Holmes

Forgiveness. Hurt happens in friendship. We spill judgment or splatter harsh words. We season with selfishness or resentment. When hurts happen, seeking forgiveness enriches the flavor of our relationships. When Seana missed my (Martha) birthday, she felt terrible and asked for forgiveness. Of course, I forgave her.

how to spoil a spiritual friendship Sin messes up relationships—like the time I (Seana) told myself I would never parent as well as Martha. I felt hurt by my self-condemnation, but

continued on p 37 25

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

I (Seana) sat on the floor ready to fold a mound of fresh laundry. Then the baby started crying her little shriek that means, “I want to eat again.” With a sigh, I abandoned the laundry, picked up the baby, and glanced at my phone to see this text: “Praying for you. God is with you and will give you the strength you need.” Martha texted me at just the right time. In the constant activity of our everyday lives, nourishing spiritual friendships has to become creative. So how can we nourish our friendships? God’s Word. When Seana and I (Martha) share our hearts with one another, we ask, “What Scripture addresses this?” This reminds us of biblical truth in a loving, gentle way (Heb. 4:12). Transparency. When I (Seana) called Martha, she listened to my frustration about my burnt chicken dinner—and responded with her saga of three kids throwing up with fevers. Then she shared with me her determination to consider it all joy when we face various trials. As friends, we share the details of life, including our souls, and welcome each other’s words of encouragement and authenticity (Prov. 25:11, Jas. 1:2-4). Consistency. Technology helps us follow the admonition of the writer of Hebrews to not give up meeting together and encouraging one another (Heb. 10:25). Sometimes Seana and I (Martha) chat on Skype or pray on the phone, but most of our relating happens through text messages sent between changing diapers and reading Llama Llama Red Pajama to our kids. Service. Full schedules means that serving one another in friendship sometimes involves simply listening and praying. Other times, it means sacrificing to a great extent to meet someone’s needs, like the times I (Seana) fly into Los Angeles and Martha picks me up at the airport, with three kids in tow (John 15:13).

“Aelred, a Cistercian monk who wrote a profound treatise on friendship, said, ‘And so in friendship are joined honor and charm, truth and joy, sweetness and goodwill, affection and action. And all these take their beginning from Christ, advance through Christ,

Daring to hope in the midst of life’s hardships.

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

by Katie Davis Majors

He curls his tiny white fist around my fingers. Born right here in our home, with sisters waiting to welcome him, Noah has been our gift of peace, comfort, and joy. Maybe this life, this family, is the very greatest miracle—daughters who have experienced the Lord’s healing and redemption in monumental ways, and knit into my heart just as if they had grown in my womb. The Father God knew He would give them so long before I did, and the friend that He knew He would give me even during the years when I cried out in loneliness, and a son who fits right into this crazy crew. I look at my place, with my people, and I name it Mount Moriah, The Lord Will Provide. The literal translation of “to provide” is “to see.” Here we see God. And here He sees us. He is good to us. I met a little girl a few months ago when she, her mother, and her baby sister showed up at our gate. She had a tumor on her leg the size of a watermelon and cancer throughout her body that would kill her in a matter of months. Ten years ago, I would have probably taken these people to every hospital in the country, because I believed that God would be glorified in only the lifesaving. On this day, instead of wrestling or wailing, we drank tea. We prayed. We sang worship. I asked God how I should share the Gospel with these precious eternal souls. I prayed for this little girl and fully believed that He might choose to heal her; simultaneously, I trusted that if He did not, He would work that for His good and His glory. Weeks later, we gathered our Ugandan brothers and sisters to pray with her. Not long after, that beautiful thirteen-yearold girl died. But she died knowing Jesus. I don’t know why she had to suffer such immense pain. I don’t know why her mother had to experience the agony of burying her daughter. But I trust that God knows even when we cannot yet see. And that is enough.

Beauty IN THE STORM 26

The sun warms my shoulders, and I turn and look up at the house. Benji is fixing a hole in the garden fence. Ellie, Margaret, and Agnes hang laundry on the line, and Hellen, Tibita, and Scovia play Scrabble on the porch. Surely, these days are sacred. And in this moment, the magnitude of this miracle that is our family, our life, is not lost on me. Jesus, the promised Lamb, has saved us. And beyond that, God has graciously, lavishly given all things we need. It’s one thing to name a place The Lord Will Provide and to believe it when life goes as planned. But it takes courage only He can give, to believe it when the night is long and the suffering is deep. It is a brave thing to continue in hope, knowing that God might say yes but that He could say no, and choosing to praise Him anyway. And even when hope doesn’t make any sense? When we head up Mount Moriah, trembling, with the knife and the fire, the burden of the wood on our backs and no idea what is about to happen or how God will come through, and we say with certainty, “God will provide the lamb!” Well, then our hope puts us right up next to our loving Father. Our hope is our offering to Him, our sacrifice. He is shaping us, molding us, drawing us to Him. I have wrestled with God and have seen His face and felt His touch. You will too. The God of all mercy and compassion is using our heartache to draw us to Himself and transform us into His likeness. He will turn our sorrows into joy and use our suffering to display gifts of grace, and He will carry us home. Chin up, love, He whispers. Hold on to that hope. Eyes on Me, dear one. I am not done yet. We hold on to our hope. There is always a ram in the thicket, because there is always the Lamb on the throne. Excerpted from Daring to Hope by Katie Davis Majors; Foreword by Ann Voskamp Copyright ©2017 by Katie Davis Majors. Excerpted by permission of Multnomah. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

OFTEN, TO BEHOLD BEAUTY, TO BE REMINDED OF GOD’S PROMISES, WE MUST TURN TOWARD THE DARKNESS. 27

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

A few weeks ago, our family went out to dinner at one of our favorite little restaurants that sits on the edge of Lake Victoria. While we had all been mesmerized by the setting sun, a rainbow filled the sky behind us, right in front of the looming black clouds that were slowly rolling in. The magnitude of its beauty far surpassed that of even the sunset, but we had to be facing the storm to see it. It struck me that if I wouldn’t have turned to look into the darkness of the coming storm, I would have missed the beauty of the rainbow entirely. So it is with life. Would Abraham have known the beauty of the ram in the thicket if he hadn’t climbed Mount Moriah with the intent of sacrificing his own son? Would Jacob have seen the face of God, known His touch, if he hadn’t wrestled? As I looked at the rainbow, God whispered to me a deep truth. There is much beauty to be found in a wound that is healed, in an unlikely friendship that is forged. There is also beauty to be found in sitting and praying by the bedside of an ill friend and holding her hand just before she slips away and looks into the face of Jesus. There is beauty to be found in the desperate and many-times-repeated unanswered prayers that have time and again ushered us to His feet. Often, to behold beauty, to be reminded of God’s promises, we must turn toward the darkness. You also are likely facing a storm. The divorce you never wanted, the child who walks away from the path on which you tried to lead him, the family member who no longer wants relationship. And the list goes on. It would be tempting to just close our eyes, wouldn’t it? But there is beauty to behold in the midst of the pain. Sometimes the things we would never pick for our lives give us opportunities to see Him working in ways we otherwise might not experience. Sometimes we are allowed to climb the mountain so that we can behold the ram in the thicket. It’s amazing; really, that we can get exactly what we need by walking through what we never wanted. God is like that. He uses the hard things to reveal more clearly His great kindness toward us. He always knows what we need before we can even fathom it. When we are weak, He is strong. I hadn’t known this, in the beginning when I cried tears over the brokenness of all the people under our roof. Beauty, though not as I expected it, would be found amid the ashes. These would be the places that taught me His heart and they would make me brave, ready for the next thing. Ready for anything. In His great mercy, trials are shaping us into who He designed us to be. Our God wields a chisel, yes, but He chisels not as one who would destroy but as an artist carefully, gently, kindly shaping us into who we were meant to be, tenderly drawing us to Him and all for His glory.

Making adjustments based on commitment. by Stuart Briscoe

keep it simple

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

Sweetheart Jill and I are frequently congratulated for “having stayed together for so long” as if it were some kind of special achievement. This has led me to wonder if we have overlooked the fundamental simplicities of marriage. On the occasion of our 50th wedding anniversary, I was regularly asked, “What is the secret of your long marriage?” Over the years, I have read numerous books on marriage and listened to countless sermons and lectures on the subject. So from this wealth of information I could easily have listed 20 or more pithy, practical tips on sexual intimacy, financial issues, in-laws, raising children, flowers, chocolates, quiet walks, praying together, and forgiveness, but eventually I settled for “Keep your promises and live a long time.” I also remembered the Keep It Simple 28

Sweetheart (KISS) principle that says to keep things simple instead of complicating things more than they need to be. Clearly, there is not a lot we can do about living a long time although it is a prerequisite for a long marriage! Marriage has produced thousands of incredibly happy, full, and rich lives of companionship, love, sacrifice, faithfulness, and commitment, but it is equally true that marriage has proven to be a desperately difficult and disastrous relationship for far too many people. Marital breakdown is so common in our culture that marital longevity has become noteworthy rather than normative.

Keeping Promises

“Keeping promises” is at the heart of marriage no matter how long we may or may not live in the married state. As I have

been conducting marriage ceremonies for more than 50 years, I have seen lots of changes. For example, most young couples today are not too excited about archaic language that requires them to answer pastoral questions beginning with “Wilt thou?” or “Dost thou?” or stuttering their way through “With this ring I thee wed.” More than once I’ve heard the unintended but startling statement, “With this ring I we thed!” So a dash of modern English has proven most beneficial. However, I do regret that in the desire to modernize the old-fashioned word, “vow,” it has all but disappeared! According to Google, a vow is a “solemn promise” and some of its synonyms are oath, pledge, bond, covenant, assurance, and guarantee. So while the modern word “promise” is appropriate, we should not lose sight of the enormous depth of meaning that was embraced in the traditional marriage services of days gone by as vows were made “before God and the congregation.”

As I have tried to help young couples prepare for their marriage, I have talked to them about the promises they will make. And I’ve asked them how much thought they have given to the very real possibilities that during the course of their lives together they may well face sickness and health, riches and poverty, and things may well get worse at times rather than better. Not surprisingly, many of them don’t really want to entertain such thoughts, and I have no desire to cast a shadow over their beautiful wedding day. However, the reality is things happen: unplanned things, harsh things, and intractable things. We change, we get older, times change, we get sick, we can’t get pregnant, or we lose a job. Tensions build, disagreements proliferate, misunderstandings poison the atmosphere, misbehavior happens, and the things that happen require our reactions. It’s at this point that things can go wrong in a hurry, and we need to keep it simple! It’s all about “Adjustments Based on Commitment.”

Keeping It Simple

Marriage Needs Adjustments

I am aware that I am in danger of straying from the path of simplicity on which I set out a few paragraphs ago. So in a noble effort to regain my focus, here in KISS language, is my recipe for marriage—“Marriage is as Simple as ABC: Adjustments Based on Commitment.”

Marriage is Ordained by God

Marriage is a solemn promise to be committed to something! But what? When people enter into Christian marriage there is an unspoken assumption that they believe that marriage is a divine institution. There is a serious recognition that marriage was ordained by God as outlined in Scripture, “But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” (Mark 10:7-8, ESV). This is important because so many variations on Christian marriage are now in vogue that the word “marriage” has been totally redefined, and we need to be clear what we mean by the marriage to which we are committed!

Marriage According to God’s Instructions

Secondly, that being the case, we commit ourselves to living in marriage according to God’s biblically outlined instructions and promises. It is not as if God invented marriage and left humans to figure out how to “do it best.” God, in Scripture, is as abundantly clear about how we should go about living the married life, as He is unambiguous about what He means by marriage. In Christian marriage, we make vows to commit to the divine concept of marriage, but also to living it by the grace of God as God ordained we should. Thirdly, we then commit ourselves voluntarily to the marriage partner to whom we make the promises. While the traditional service is not used as frequently as previously, it is good to review the words of commitment used therein. They are specific and powerful: “to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death” (The Book of Common Prayer).

Stuart Briscoe served Elmbrook Church in Brookfield, Wis., for 47 years, founded and still ministers on Telling the Truth, an international media ministry, and continues, in his 80’s, to preach around the world! He and Jill have three children and 13 grandchildren, and live in suburban Milwaukee, Wis.

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

Marriage is a Commitment

Many marriages fail because the wrong things are adjusted. When changes happen, the first impulse for many people is to adjust the commitment! “I know I promised this and that, but I had no idea it would be so hard, so unfair, and you have become so difficult. I’m walking away from that commitment.” I’ve heard this more times than I care to remember. It usually leads to a “he said/she said” which leads to further recriminations, accusations, and denials and screams out for someone to say loudly and clearly, “Keep It Simple Sweetheart!” So what can be done when adjustments need to be made? 1. Let’s reaffirm the commitment we made to the Lord, His ways, His promises, and His instructions. They have not changed although everything else seems to be changing. This will require honesty, heart searching, and may require confession and repentance. Promises need to be revisited, disappointments need to be voiced, expectations need to be re-examined—but commitment stays intact and secure. This is a matter of spiritual maturity and moral integrity and must not be surrendered. 2. Realistically, adjustments in the way we have started to behave need to be made; old habits may have reappeared, new ones less desirable could have joined them, and they’ve got to go. Fresh challenges need new responses, but we don’t change the foundations, we learn to re-orient our behavior to them. 3. We’re in this together so let’s face it together, work together, and support each other in the necessary actions. Above all, when things get tense or difficult, someone needs to remember to say, “Keep It Simple Sweetheart. It’s all about “Adjustments Based on Commitment.” And the lifeblood of that commitment is in the vows that strengthen and eternally bind us to each other—“For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part.”

Healing is possible with help. by Susan E. Butcher

MY JOURNEY WITH

POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER “Susan, can we talk? I have something important to ask you,” my parole agent friend said. We were on our way out of the correctional facility where I worked and where she had just finished a presentation. “Of course,” I replied. “Why don’t we sit in my car for a few minutes?” My friend began to tell me that she had been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and was meeting with a counselor. She had observed in me the same symptoms she had, and out of concern and love, asked if I would consider getting counseling. Although this was very difficult to hear, I told her that I would consider it. After much prayer and thought, I made an appointment with a counselor and was diagnosed with PTSD too. Thus, started my healing journey with PTSD.

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

WHAT IS PTSD?

My knowledge of PTSD was limited, so I started doing research on the subject. I learned that PTSD is a normal response to a traumatic event, creating emotional, physical, cognitive, behavioral, and spiritual symptoms. PTSD affects the whole person, and symptoms can build up over time, sometimes a lifetime.

Had I seen this in my own life? Yes. Over the years my heart, soul, and emotions had changed deep inside. Anger, negativity, overeating, tension, and lashing out at others made up my behavior. Loud noises startled me, and I had trouble sleeping. Emptiness, tiredness, and numbness filled my life. Social situations were of no interest. I wanted to be alone for much of the time. For me—a social butterfly—this was a drastic change. Thankfully, counseling showed me how it happened and how I could heal.

STATISTICS AND SYMPTOMS

I was astonished to learn that approximately five percent of the people in the United States suffer from PTSD and eight percent of the population has had PTSD at some point in their life. (In fact, many Americans have experienced a trauma, and of those, about 80 percent of men and 50 percent of women will develop PTSD.) Severe trauma, along with previous exposure to trauma, creates a high risk for PTSD. Symptoms can vary in intensity over time and may not appear until years later. There are four types of PTSD symptoms, all of which I’d experienced: • Intrusive memories (also known as re-experiencing). This can include symptoms of nightmares (triggered by a sight or sound) and severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds the person of the event. For me, this played out in being unable to drive past the place I worked for nearly six months after retiring. • Avoiding situations (avoidance) that remind you of the event. This can include symptoms of detachment, loss of interest in things/people/activities/life, restrained emotions, avoiding crowds, keeping too busy, and avoiding your health. There are often feelings of mistrust of others.

• Negative changes in beliefs, feelings, and mood. This may include outbursts of anger, irritability, hyperviligence, difficulty concentrating, and an exaggerated startle response. There may be anger at God and withdrawal from one’s faith-related practice. • Feeling “keyed up” (also called hyperarousal). Sometimes a person will want their back to a wall in a restaurant or waiting room (so they can better survey their surroundings). Other examples include: aggressive behavior, always being on guard, and risk-taking (including drugs and drinking).

MY JOURNEY TO HEALING

SEEKING STRENGTH IN SCRIPTURE

I am now on the other side of counseling, although I need to always be aware of my PTSD so it does not get the better of me. Coming to understand PTSD has brought me more tolerance and understanding, which in turn has empowered me. My PTSD has changed me, both my brain and my soul. And while it will never leave me, I now have tools to better deal with the symptoms when they rear their ugly head. When sensing survival mode and illogical thinking, I know that it is time to reconsider situations, people, and things. I realize now, more than ever, what a difference it makes to know that there are people who will stand by me, even when I am not at my best. They won’t give me pat answers, unsolicited advice, or tell me to “just get over it.” I also find great strength in God. The psalmist in Psalm 77:1-5 cries out to the Lord in agony, but rejoices in remembering His workings. Romans 5:1-5 speaks of having peace with God through Jesus Christ, no matter what the circumstances. I lean on these Scriptures during the difficult times. It is evident to me now that God is concerned with the person I am becoming through an open door to healing. Jesus is always there, by my side. How thankful I am, in my heart of hearts, to be able to hold onto that! Susan E. Butcher is a certified life coach through the American Association of Christian Counselors, grief counselor, and freelance writer. Additionally, she is a seasoned speaker and Bible teacher. She lives in Milwaukee, Wis.

PTSD SCREENING

Have you ever had an experience that was so frightening or upsetting that, in the past month you: • Have had nightmares about the experience or thought about it when you did not want to? • Tried hard not to think about the experience or avoided situations that reminded you of it? • Were constantly on guard or easily startled? • Felt numb or detached from your surroundings? Current research recommends that if you answered “yes” to any three items, you should seek more information from a mental health care provider. A positive screen does not mean that you have PTSD. Only a qualified mental health care practitioner, a clinician or psychologist, can diagnose you with PTSD. (ptsd.va.gov)

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

My counselor requested that I do a self-inventory of my life, from childhood to the present day. I did not look forward to that homework assignment! However, much was learned. A good friend of mine wisely told me, “All drama is trauma.” I realized just how true that statement was. My PTSD symptoms had begun in early childhood, which was filled with drama. Having grown up with physical, verbal, and emotional violence, there was a lot of trauma in my life. “You’ll never amount to anything,” “Hey stupid,” and “You’re worthless” echoed in my ears. Friends dropped off at age 15 when my parents divorced, as divorce was taboo then. During my junior and senior high school years, I was forced to take on responsibilities no child should have. At age 18, I was kicked out of my home and told to live on my own. Scared and terribly insecure, I turned to drugs and drinking to numb the pain, and went from one male relationship to another trying to find happiness. I felt stuck. Moving through the inventory of my life, I realized I had never felt safe in any situation. For a person with PTSD, “safe” is the first thing they need to feel. During employment within the Department of Corrections, I experienced many “unsafe” situations. I began to understand why I was so angry and overwhelmed and why trust in others and myself had disappeared. Many things set me off. I constantly chose not to deal with these matters because it was too painful. Discouragement set in because I hated the person I saw in the mirror and felt unable to share those feelings with anyone. In order to heal, certain things in my life needed to change. I had to walk away from certain relationships for my own mental health, and find better support systems. I needed healthy people in my life who would be patient with me, accept

my mixed-up feelings, and help me manage stress. This would help me rebuild trust in myself and others. I also had to be very aware and careful about what I put in my mind—what I read, listened to on the radio, and watched on television. Also, who I spent time with, where I went, and what I focused on was extremely important. Doing things that brought me joy and gave me comfort helped me relax and decrease stressful situations. This helped me manage my PTSD.

N O I T I T E P

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

T F I SH

By nature, I am a person who prays: a lot. When I hear an emergency siren, I say a prayer. The prayer is simple, “Dear God, please take care of the person or people who are in trouble and the person or people going to their aid.” Living in the country, I don’t have much occasion to utter this plea, but this past summer I spent a month living in an urban center where the screeching of sirens was constant.

THE BEST T S E U Q RE IS: E G N A CH ME ! by Susan

ank

Cruicksh

In the past, I didn’t pay much attention to my reflexive prayer, but this siren-induced prayer blitz, caused me to notice how much I pray and how my prayers have changed. The gift of grace has been working, making deep-seated, necessary shifts, and I am different. There was no conscious striving on my part, which was dramatic and miraculous in itself. Instead, change, subtle and inconspicuous, has come. I used to go to God with a long list of demands. This approach besides being desperate, sadly, also showed how little I trusted.

Susan Cruickshank is a freelance writer who is committed to walking out her faith through her writing. As a dual citizen, she spends half her time living in Southern Vermont, while making her home base in Ontario, Canada. You can find her on Facebook: https://www. facebook.com/LivingANewFuture/?ref=bookmarks and Twitter: Susan Cruickshank@ LivingANewFuture.

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

The list went something like this: “God, I’m ASKING—the Bible tells us to ask—for this amount of money.” “God, please—God also likes manners—give me this job.” “God, please send me a husband.” “God please give me …” “Give me, Give Me, GIVE ME.” My prayers were more like an order to Amazon, said with the same frantic urgency, rather than a reverent plea to the Creator. I still desire loving relationships, and I also crave a life filled with beautiful things, but there has been a shift in the point that I now dive down into these longings to ask God for help. Instead of asking for money, I ask God to make me a responsible steward of wealth. I ask for the grounding and clarity required to handle this responsibility. I ask to be given the stamina and work ethic necessary to sustain the gifting of prosperity. I also ask for a kind and humble heart which always remembers that all treasure, however accumulated, is never mine; rather, I am merely the custodian in charge of its care. When asking for a different car, I first look at the one I have. Do I keep it clean? Do I take it in for regular maintenance checks and repairs? Do I use it to help others? Sadly, my answer is “no” to a number of these questions; even if I do share, I find myself doing so begrudgingly. A lot of these questions show me how small my heart still is. And if I answer them truthfully, I’ll know whether I’m ready for the things I’m asking for. So my prayers have changed. “God help me to take care of the blessings that You have given me. Help me to be open-handed and remember that I am not sharing what is mine but what is Yours.” And what about relationships: my desire for good friends, family, and love? Yes, these requests have shifted too. They have become less about the long list of requirements I demand in another and more about asking God to change me. “Please, Lord, help me to be patient and kind. Please soften my stubborn, self-righteous heart. Make me a good listener. Help me to give people the room to evolve into who You’ve meant them to be, instead of trying to make them into a smaller version of themselves because I’m feeling jealous and afraid.” “God Change ME.” This is the essence of most of my prayers; this shorthand petition has become ceaseless as I move throughout my day. “God Change ME.” I’m still asking for the same things, but the emphasis is different. As I trust more, my demands have relaxed into requests. Trust is building which assures me that when I am ready for what I desire, it will come. In so many ways it already has, but as I wait for more because we always want more, I ask, “God Change ME.”

adulting

Children

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

How to navigate the challenges of parenting grown-up children. by Susan Lawrence

We grow up. Then our kids grow up. There’s so much joy in the journey, but it’s also tough. When we have our babies, we have so much hope for the future, but as we face the reality of the future, it is often a bit more challenging than we expected. Our children grow into adults and… • We face strangers, hardly recognizing our adult children and struggling with the choices they make. • We have difficulty letting go, continuing to try to guide their lives as if they still live under our roofs. • We have difficulty helping them let go. They need us, so how can we say no to helping, even when we know they need to take responsibility? • We feel cut off and abandoned when our adult children decide they’d rather do life without us, perhaps even choosing to “punish” us by not letting us spend time with them or grandchildren. The list goes on.

Each situation and relationship is different, but one thing is certain: parenting adult children brings its own challenges with it. We faced sleepless nights with a baby, safety concerns with a toddler, and separation when our children started school. Activities, peer pressure, and struggles for independence came through middle and high school years. We thought high school or college graduation might let us sigh and enjoy those adult friendships we’ve heard so much about—and we might get to savor some sweet moments—but our kids don’t stop changing and growing just because they reach 21. Hopefully, we don’t stop growing either. What can we do to ease the transition and help ourselves, our adult children, and our relationships? Not every tip that follows will apply to your situation, but let one or two challenge you to try something new.

Step through grief. It might seem like a negative place to start, but if we’re honest, we deal with grief throughout parenting. We move from one stage to another. In fact, about the time we get used to one stage and feel

confident about what we’re doing, our children change. We have to change with them if we want to respond well. Can you imagine parenting a 13 year old like a toddler? You can’t parent a 30 year old like a teenager, either. Refuse to be stuck. You might be sad for a moment, but make sure you also celebrate growth and change.

Give your adult children what they need (not what they want, and not what you want). This is a hard one, because we’re so invested in their lives. It’s difficult to take a step back, set ourselves aside, and determine the right priorities. It means listening well, choosing our moments to speak with wisdom, and letting them make mistakes and learn from them. That leads us into the next practice:

Refuse to think you have all the answers. You’ve been at this adult thing a lot longer than your adult children have. Instead of using that as a justification that you have all the answers and solutions, remind yourself that adulthood comes with responsibility, not just for your children but also for you. You have the responsibility to be humble and admit you don’t know it all. Face the idea that while you’ve had many experiences that might help, your experiences and your adult children’s aren’t exactly the same. Just as you had to discover some things the hard, long way, so do your children. If you look back, you’ll probably admit you learned some of the best lessons as you struggled through trials. As much as you want to spare your children some of that pain and angst, overprotection, and quick answers might end up robbing them of some essential, albeit rough, experiences.

Lead by example. If you want your adult children to grow in their compassion, mercy, patience, respect, faith, generosity, and love, you need to not only authentically live them out, but also grow in them. You don’t have to be perfect! You may not be able to share every struggle, but neither should you put on a show for them. They’re adults now, and they need to continue to watch you grow as an adult. Your “adulting” well is no guarantee they will

follow in your footsteps, but it’s worth the effort, not just for them, but also for you.

Stop being surprised. If you find yourself continually hurt, frustrated, and confused when your adult children do the same things repeatedly, at least give them credit for being consistent. Why be surprised with their predictability? That’s not to say you excuse what they do, but you don’t have to bear the brunt of the stress.

Be responsible, but let your adult children take responsibility. Stop blaming yourself—and stop blaming them, too. Blame only digs a hole of insecurities and hurt feelings that are difficult to overcome. Honestly, evaluate yourself often, but only with the determination to learn and grow. Refrain from evaluating your adult children too often. You still have influence, but you don’t have the power you once had in their lives. You can pour into them, but be careful not to step into the discipline and control realm.

Give God your whole heart, mind, soul, and strength. This one might seem obvious, but it is easier said than done. We often say our children have our hearts, or they are constantly on our minds. Of course, we love and invest in them beyond what we can express, but they should never be our focus. They are not our possessions. We don’t know nearly as much as God does. As difficult as it is to believe, we don’t love them remotely as much as He does. They are His creation, and He knows every single detail of their lives throughout eternity. Moments along the way won’t always make sense to us, but we can trust God. Susan Lawrence is mom to two grown girls. Additionally, she blogs at PurePurpose.org. She enjoys travel adventures as she ministers at women’s events around the U.S. and Canada. She has written multiple studies and devotionals, including her most recent, Fractured Into Wholeness. She lives in Taylorville, Ill.

---- tips for struggling adult children ----

Adulting isn’t easy. You might miss your parents, the freedom of childhood, or the dreams you can’t seem to reach. Or you might be angry your parents aren’t who you need them to be as you grow. What can you do?

Choose a Support System that Affirms and Challenges You. You’ll wrestle through assumptions and expectations. Dreams begin to rub against reality. Surround yourself with people who will support and encourage you, but also challenge you to continually grow.

Recognize that Your Parents Change Over Time. Just as you change and grow, so will they. Take Responsibility. Blame only digs a hole of insecurities and hurt feelings that are difficult to overcome. Surrender Your Life to God. So many things grab at your heart, mind, soul, and strength. Let Him lead. You can trust Him, even through the messiness of adulting. ~Susan Lawrence

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

Leave Your Past Behind. Life changes. Recognize you can’t go back, but you can celebrate and embrace what God has in store for the next stage of your life.

Admit You Don’t Know it All. With adulthood comes the responsibility to be humble and a lifelong learner. Face the idea that your experiences don’t reflect all of reality.

encouragement / real

faith

I Wish You More by Andrea Buchanan

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

Andrea Buchanan Andrea Buchanan is a Just Between Us volunteer and enjoys gardening, cooking, and traveling. She and her husband, Tim, have been married for 40 years and have three grown children and six grandchildren. She lives in Elm Grove, Wis.

Last week my daughter sent me an article by one of her favorite children’s authors, the late Amy Krouse Rosenthal. Ten days before Amy died, her article entitled “You May Want to Marry My Husband” was published in the New York Times. In the piece, she describes her amazing husband and what a catch he’ll be for some blessed woman. This is heart-wrenching and dear. She also recounts how she asked readers of her latest memoir for suggestions for a tattoo, so she and the reader could get matching tattoos. Hundreds of submissions were received. Amy chose the word “more” sent in by Paulette, my librarian from Milwaukee. As I read the article, something about Amy and her word “more” tugged at me. You could even say I became obsessed. I purchased and read several of her award-winning books, watched a YouTube video, and listened to her TED Talk—all in the course of just a few days. I then marched over to my local library to ask my librarian, who happens to be the Paulette, if she had a tattoo. With a big grin on her face, she rolled up her sleeve to reveal the word “more” on her forearm. She gladly shared about meeting Amy in Chicago, getting their tattoos together, and then spending the evening at her house meeting her friends and family. Perhaps my fascination with this story and the word “more” is because for several years I have been asking God for more of something— not even sure what that something was. I didn’t want more stuff, but

“The only way to more life is by pouring more of yourself out. You can’t have more unless you pour out.” —Ann Voskamp perhaps more meaning, more influence, or even to be more like my daughters and friends who are authors, architects, pastors, speakers, designers, nurses, Bible teachers, stylists, and more! All of these women seem to be doing more significant things than I am. In John 10:10b Jesus says, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” One Bible paraphrase says, “I came so they can have…more and better lives than they ever dreamed of.” Ann Voskamp says, “The only way to more life is by pouring more of yourself out. You can’t have more unless you pour out.” My devotional today read, “It is the lives, like the stars, which simply pour down on us the calm light of their bright and faithful being, up to which we look and out of which we gather the deepest calm and courage.” That’s it! I can simply pour down, pour out, and be more as I care for

my aging mother-in-law, tutor children at St. Marcus Lutheran School, and deliver meals to a new mama or sick friend. Mother Teresa said that “not all of us can do great things, but we can do small things with great love.” I’m beginning to understand this. And I’m ready for this more and better life Jesus came to give. What are you asking God for more of? And I’ll leave you with this sweet line from Amy’s book, I Wish You More: “I wish you more hugs than ughs.”

Ministry on the Go Offer to help your child’s teacher with small tasks at home so they can spend more free moments with their children and family.

Spiritual Friendships (continued from p 25) God helped me recognize my sin and I repented. Sin spoils unity and peace in many ways, but here are a few major ones to watch out for: Negative Comparison. Martha and I enjoy learning from each other’s strengths. When I compared myself to her, our friendship suffered. Now we celebrate each other’s strengths. Celebrate, don’t compare. God gifts us each differently (1 Cor. 12:14-31). Judgment. Judging our friend with a condemning heart also hurts the relationship. We are all on a journey toward Christ-likeness. Seana and I (Martha) continue to learn to give each other grace for growing (2 Pet. 3:18). Gossip. Share successes publicly, and care for struggles privately. When Martha’s husband, Daniel, received an acceptance letter into medical school, I (Seana) told others out of excitement. When she texted me about her beginning to lose a baby in miscarriage, I carried it close to my heart in prayer (Prov. 10:19). Unrealistic expectations. With today’s women being pulled in so many directions, spiritual friendships require flexibility. Sometimes Seana and I (Martha) talk every day, and sometimes every few weeks. Flexibility allows friendships to endure throughout various seasons of life.

tips for connecting Friends need to keep in touch creatively. Below I (Seana) share a few ideas that nourish the friendship between Martha and me:

1. Use technology. • Send a text message, no matter the time of day. • Call during naptime or while you’re in between activities. • Email (or voice to text if your hands are busy). 2. Put it on the calendar. • Set times to hang out for a play date, kiddo-free coffee, or an after-bedtime phone call. • Set a reminder in your calendar to pray or send a text. Spiritual friendships nourish our hearts throughout every season of our lives. Let’s encourage one another, and savor the joys that spiritual friendships bring. Seana Scott is a ministry wife, mom of three, and is working on her master’s degree at Dallas Theological Seminary. She also enjoys nature, coffee, and writing to encourage moms at SeanaScott.org. She lives in Wexford, Pa. Martha Ybarra homeschools four kids ages six and under, while she supports her husband through his medical residency. She enjoys reading, hiking, and her morning cup of coffee. She lives in Pasadena, Calif.

JILL BRISCOE Main Speaker

2018 hosted by

magazine

Worship Leader

ELIZABETH MURPHY Emcee

OCTOBER 2-4, 2018

at Forest Springs Camp and Conference Center Westboro, WI

REGISTRATION OPEN NOW!

https://forestsprings.us/events/specialtyretreats/just-between-us-womens-conference-

FOR ALL REGISTRATION QUESTIONS CALL CAMP FOREST SPRINGS AT 715-427-5241

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

conference

STEPHANIE SEEFELDT

encouragement / chronic

hope

Growing Your Compassion by Adriana Hayes

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

Adriana Hayes is a freelance illustrator, professor, writer, and speaker who finds joy in helping others discover how God can bring “chronic hope” into their lives. She lives in Milwaukee, Wis., with her husband, Chris, and daughter, Promise.

Visit my sites! chronichopeblog. wordpress.com or madebyadri.com

Wednesday is my favorite day to run errands. Why? My reason may surprise you. Wednesdays are often the day of the week designated to honor in-store Senior Citizen Discounts, so for a 32-year-old living in what feels like a 72-year-old’s body… this is a wonderful day! I can walk at my normal (read that, slow) speed through the grocery store and actually pass a person or two, rather than being mowed down by the after-work millennial crowd. I receive gracious smiles from wrinkled faces and overtly generous compliments from suspender-clad men while waiting in line to check out at Kohls. But my favorite moments from these days are the times where I catch a twinkling eye and knowing nod as we pass by each other, each precariously leaning on the walking cane we grasp in our hand. I’ll often be asked (particularly at the post office and airport) where I managed to find such an attractive floral cane. And it’s in that moment that I find joy in my brokenness, in my disability, and in my pain because it becomes a bridge that connects my story to another person’s story. My cane and my limp make me relatable and approachable…kind of like toting a baby around. Occasionally, it will solicit unwelcome or bizarre comments, but usually it provides an opportunity to connect with a stranger and show them compassion in a way that I simply could not have done otherwise. The adjective “compassionate” is used to describe both God and Jesus in the Old and New Testaments. Second Corinthians 1:3-4 says,

It’s in that moment that I find joy in my brokenness, in my disability, and in my pain because it becomes a bridge that connects my story to another person’s story. “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” For over a decade, my mind had become accustomed to thinking of my physical differences as something that separated me from others instead of connecting me to them. How many opportunities did I probably miss because of that frame of mind? Author Henri Nouwen said, “Compassion asks us to go where it hurts, to enter into the places of pain, to share in brokenness, fear, confusion, and anguish.” This past May my husband and I became licensed foster parents in Milwaukee County. This new journey has called me to a level of compassion that I simply would not be capable of without God. He is reveal-

ing to me how without His unending grace in my life, I could easily be the parent addicted to drugs or alcohol to numb my physical and mental pain. This revelation has grown my compassion to places of my heart that I didn’t know it could reach. How do you think about your own differences? Let me encourage you to ask God to use them to bring comfort to others for the glory of His Kingdom! I can promise you that there is someone out there that God longs to connect you with because of the exact trial you are experiencing.

Ministry on the Go Take your shopping cart back to the store when you are finished with it.

BETH NUAH BethNuah oﬀers Hope and Encouragment through retreats for pastors’ wives and speaking for all women. Laura Mullenix- Speaker, author and Director of BethNuah Ministries. Visit her website for more information and for her book, “A Long Way Home”.

www.bethnuahministries.com

Do you ever wish you

understood — A Simple Guide —

the Bible better?

HELP IS ON THE WAY. STUDY

LIVE

TEACH

— A Practical Guide —

www.WordWay.org/BibleHelps

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

STATEMENT OF OWNERSHIP, MANAGEMENT, AND CIRCULATION (REQUIRED BY 39 U.S.C. 3685) PUBLICATION TITLE: Just Between Us. Publication No: 1069-3459 Filing Date: October 1, 2017. Issue Frequency: Quarterly No. of issues Published Annually: 4. Annual Subscription Price: $19.95. Complete Mailing Address of Known Office of Publication (Street, City, County, State, and ZIP+4)(Not Printer): 777 South Barker Road, Brookfield, WI 53045. Complete Mailing Address of Headquarters or General Business Office of Publisher (Not Printer): 777 South Barker Road, Brookfield, WI 53045. Full Names and Complete Mailing Addresses of Publisher, Editor, and Managing Editor (Do Not Leave Blank): Publisher (Name and Complete Mailing Address): Just Between Us, 777 South Barker Road, Brookfield, WI 53045. Editor (Name and Complete Mailing Address): Jill Briscoe, Executive Editor, 777 South Barker Road, Brookfield, WI 53045; Shelly Esser, Editor, 777 South Barker Road, Brookfield, WI 53045. Owner (If owned by a corporation, its name and address must be stated and also immediately thereafter the name and addresses of stockholders owning or holding 1 percent or more of the total amount of stock. If not owned by a corporation, the names and addresses of the individual owners must be given. If owned by a partnership or other unincorporated firm, its name and address as well as that of each individual must be given. If the publication is published by a nonprofit organi¬zation, its name and address must be stated.) (Do Not Leave Blank.) Owner: Elmbrook Church, Inc., 777 South Barker Road, Brookfield, WI 53045. Known Bondholders, Mortgagees, and Other Security Holders Owning or Holding 1 Percent or More of Total Amount of Bonds, Mortgages, or Other Securities, If none, so state: None 12. Tax Status (For completion by nonprofit organizations authorized to mail at nonprofit rates) (Check one) Has not changed in the preceeding twelve months. Issue Date for Circulation Data Below: Winter 2016-Fall 2017. Extent and Nature of Circulation - Average No. Copies Each Issue During Preceding 12 months: A. Total No. Copies (Net Press Run): 10,475. B. Paid and/or Requested Circulation: (1) Paid or Requested Outside-Country Mail Subscriptions stated on form 3541. (Include Advertiser’s Proof Copies/Exchange Copies): 9,183. (2) Paid In-Country Subscriptions (Include Advertiser’s Proof Copies/Exchange Copies): 0. (3) Sales Through Dealers and Carriers, Street Vendors, and Counter Sales and other Non-USPS: Paid Distribution: 105. (4) Other classes mailed through USPS: 517. C. Total Paid and/or Requested Circulation (Sum of l5b (1,2,3,4): 9,805. D. Free Distribution by Mail (Samples, Complimentary, and Other Free) (1) Outside-Country as Stated on Form 3541: 0. (2) In-Country as Stated on Form 3541: 0. (3) Other Classes Mailed Through USPS: 7. (4) Free or Nominal Rate Distribution Outside the Mail (Carriers or other means): 234. E. Total Free or Nominal Rate Distribution (Sum of 15d (1), (2), (3) and (4): 241. F. Total Distribution (Sum of 15c and 15e): 10,046. G. Copies Not Distributed: 429. H. Total (Sum of 15f and 15g): 10,475. I. Percent Paid and/or Requested Circulation (15c/l5f x 100): 93.60%. Issue Date for Circulation Data Below: Fall 2017. Extent and Nature of Circulation- No. Copies of Single Issue Published No.Copies Single Issue Published Nearest to Filling Date: A.Total No.Copies (Net Press Run): 10,500. B. Paid and/or Requested Circulation: (1) Paid or Requested Outside-¬County Mail Subscriptions stated on form 3541 (Include Advertiser’s Proof Copies/Exchange Copies): 9,602. (2) Paid In-County Subscriptions (Include Advertiser’s Proof Copies/Exchange Copies): 0 (3) Sales Through Dealers and Carriers, Street Vendors, and Counter Sales and other Non-USPS Paid Distribution: 25. (4) Other classes mailed through USPS: 501. C. Total Paid and/or Requested Circulation (Sum of l5b(1,2,3,4): 10,128. D. Free Distribution by Mail (Samples, Complimentary, and Other Free) (1) Outside-County as Stated on Form 3541: 0. (2) In-County as Stated on Form 3541: 0. (3) Other Classes Mailed Through USPS: 1. (4) Free or Nominal Rate Distribution Outside the Mail (carriers or other means): 261. E. Total Free or Nominal Rate Distribution (Sum of 15d 1,2,3,4): 262. F. Total Distribution (Sum of 15c and 15e): 10,390 G. Copies Not Distributed: 110. H. Total (Sum of 15f and 15g): 10,500. I. Percent Paid and/or Requested Circulation (15c/15f x 100): 96.46%. This Statement of Ownership will be printed in the Spring 2018 issue of this publication. I certify that all information furnished on this form is true and complete. I understand that anyone who furnishes false or misleading information on this form or who omits material or information requested on the form may be subject to criminal sanctions (including fines and imprisonment) and/or civil sanctions (including multiple damages and civil penalties). Mary T. Perso, General Manager Date: 10/01/2017.

encouragement / the

homefront

Celebrating with Your Kids! by Pam Farrel As a new mother, I was in a Bible study that studied the holidays and celebrations connected to the roots of our faith. Over the years, our family incorporated several of these ideas. Most recently, I was reminded again of the many feasts and celebrations of our spiritual inheritance. God loves to celebrate with His kids! So, if celebrating with meaning is of value in the Bible, then it seems wise to incorporate it into our family life. Try these four ways to celebrate with your kids and make a lasting impact in their lives:

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

Pam Farrel is the author of 40 books including Simple Skills for Every Woman. She has been happily married for 37 years and enjoys traveling. Pam and her husband, Bill, live in Oxnard, Calif.

Visit my site! Love-Wise.com

Hit the Markers Use the life stages of your children to party with a purpose. It can begin with a special breakfast on the first day of each school year. One of our family friends makes pancakes in the shape of that year’s grade for the first day of school. Other friends give each of their kids a solo trip once with Mom, and once with Dad during their growing up years. Here are a few more ideas you can adapt to mark special milestones: • Celebrate the first double digit birthday (age 10). • Go hunting (golfing, rafting, camping, etc.) with Dad. • The day before your child turns 13, go to a restaurant and order from the kids’ menu “one last time.” Highlight the Marvelous Reward your children with travel, memory-making experiences, privileges, or honoring by your family. For example, have a red “You are special” plate that comes out when goals and achievements are accomplished. We

also used the philosophy of “reward achievement with more resources to achieve.” For example, winning a robotics contest at school might be rewarded with a week at a computer science camp in the summer. Here are a few more ideas to acknowledge achievements: • At a ceramic store, have each child create their own, “Celebrate God” or “Thanks God!” plate so he or she remembers every good blessing comes from God. • Keep gift cards to Christian bookstores on hand so achievements can be rewarded with more opportunities to learn. • Have a door hanger that moves from bedroom doors naming, “Family Member of the Week” (or month) or connect the door hanger to a trait of Christ’s you want your family to emulate like “Hero Hug” for placing others over yourself (Phil. 2).

Have Fun in the Moments Jay Paylieghtner, author of 52 Things Kids Need in a Dad, takes advantage of spontaneous moments to build relationships with his kids. Examples? “The first nice weekend of summer could trigger a family bike ride. The first snowfall of the year that has “good packing” could trigger a family snowball fight. When the local community college or high school presents their annual musical, pull the trigger and go to the Sunday matinee. When Shamrock Shakes come out at McDonald’s®, that could trigger a family dessert run.” Hand over a Mighty Heritage I stumbled across a recent study that said that students that know

and understand stories from their family’s heritage have a stronger self-identity and in turn make wiser choices. Years ago, my friend shared an idea she and her husband created called “Shedd Shenanigans.” On Sunday afternoons, the family did activities that served to create a strong bond, identity, and create memories together.” Recently, she experienced the joy of passing on the baton. One of her sons called and said, “Mom, now it’s our turn to keep the family connections going.” He then shared his plans for gathering all the cousins and spouses for the “Shedd Shenanigans Next Generation!” Here are a few ideas for passing on your legacy: • Use your cultural heritage as a celebration. For example, an Irish family might host a St. Patrick’s Day party or meal of corned beef and cabbage (or color everything green at breakfast!). • We have friends that have a Christmas tradition of making “stroopwafels.” (A special Dutch cookie that is very labor intensive and involves a lot of butter, sugar, and a special iron). • Gather your family for a heritage meal and share your testimony, love story, or a challenging circumstance you or someone in your family gained victory over. Enrich your family by intentionally creating celebrations to be passed down through the generations that are sure to nourish faith and lives that honor God—and be fun for your kids!

it is well / encouragement

...with My Sabbath by Elizabeth Murphy

Elizabeth Murphy has been a soughtafter speaker for the last 15 years. She serves on several non-profit boards, teaches a Bible study, and is an author and regular columnist for Just Between Us. She and her husband, Mike, have four sons and are grandparents to twins. They live in Brookfield, Wis.

Sabbath in the home of an observant Jew is about adhering to a specific set of rules and regulations, but at the heart of it is a celebration of what God has done and is doing. It’s about remembering, but the pace we live keeps us from taking time and making space to remember. I have always made space for church on Sunday, but then I made space for all of the things that hadn’t gotten done the other six days of the week or sometimes worked in advance to prepare for the week. Instead of making space, I was spaced out so I made a few changes. In evaluating many of my afterchurch activities, I found the most distracting to my attitude were shopping and social media. Shopping takes my eyes off what I already have and takes me to a place of want. Social media causes my heart to wander and my mind to wonder if there isn’t something wrong with me, because my life looks nothing like what I see on the screen. I knew if I was going to take time to rest, collect myself, and be renewed, these two things needed to go, just for a day, every week. It’s been six weeks, and I’ve never loved Sunday, my Sabbath, more. I am tempted to jump in the car or start the computer, but it’s just not worth it because the very things I thought would restrict me have ac-

tually freed me. I stay home, where my husband is. I can use the afternoon warmth to take a walk instead of staying out till almost dark and then running out of time for the refreshing activity of exercise. I cook with what I have, a creative process I had forgotten how to enjoy. I read books and magazines that sat right next to my computer, while I looked longingly into the lives and experiences of others. This change has been so good for my spiritual health. Instead of being behind, I am going into the week ahead finding that my soul has indeed caught up with my body. I reflect on the sermon from church, think about the Scriptures and songs that were shared— and they stay with me all week. I remember God. My mind has the space to remember what He has done and will do, which sends me into a new week renewed. On the seventh day, God rested because all He had done was perfect. It was a time for Him to gaze upon the rightness of it all. My world is not perfect, but when I do take time to reflect on it, I find there is a particular comfort that comes from interrupting the rhythm to take a Sabbath, whatever that looks like. It is a taste of the world the way it was meant to be, and for a time anyway, it is well. 41

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

Visit my site! espeaks.net

Historian James Trunslow Adams tells the story of an explorer and anthropologist who worked with indigenous people in the upper Amazon. After receiving news that he needed to leave the jungle for a time, the explorer enlisted the help of a local chief and some others for a three-day march out. Their hurried expedition made great progress on days one and two, but when it was time to break camp on the third day, the explorer was surprised to find the men refused to budge. Questioned about the reason for the delay, the chief explained; “They are waiting. They cannot move farther until their souls have caught up with their bodies.” Author Ann Spangler in her book The Peace God Promises uses this story to talk about finding peace in Sabbath rest. I realized after I read it, that if you looked at my life you would say there was no such thing as Sabbath rest, and because of that, I was becoming genuinely un-well. Not physically ill, just short tempered, easily frustrated, and distracted. As I revisited the whole idea of Sabbath, I was reminded anew that it is one of the Ten Commandments, which were designed to protect our relationship with God, keep us out of trouble, and help us prosper. The Sabbath I was keeping wasn’t doing any of those things. When God commanded Sabbath, He wasn’t talking about our actions. He was challenging our attitude. Sabbath, the way it ought to be, the way it was in the beginning. It’s something we can learn from the Jewish culture. It may seem like

encouragement / the

deeper life

Love—God Touching Others Through You by Melva L. Henderson

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

Melva L. Henderson is an author and speaker. Additionally, she is the founder of The Milwaukee Give, a humanitarian outreach, and co-founder of World Outreach and Bible Training Center, Inc. Melva is wife to pastor Ervin L. Henderson, mother of five, and grandmother of two. Connect with her on Facebook and Twitter.

Visit my sites! Melvahenderson.org, worldoutreachbtc.org

Some people think the greatest struggles for Christians are escaping the temptations of the enemy or overcoming persecution. Although realities for all Christians, neither of these is the greatest of our struggles. Allowing our great big God to display Himself through us is. This struggle stands strong simply because we allow too much of our former life—our old way of thinking, feeling, and behaving—to remain active and alive even though the nature of God lives within us. We have a duality of life warring against each other—our spirit life which is governed by the Spirit of God, and our soulish, carnal life, which is ruled by our flesh and, very often, the devil. Galatians 5:16 says, “So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want.” The revelation of God living in us is an important one to grasp. It positions us to change our world, because it affects how we live. When we live conscious of God and His presence within, we are exposed to the depth of His character and His vast, great love. It becomes apparent that although He resides in us, He’s too big to be contained or hidden. We can’t hide God! If we walk with Him, eventually who He is will flow out from within us.

There’s a word in the English language many are not acquainted with, wafting, which means, “to carry lightly and smoothly through the air or over water.” When we walk with God, He releases Himself through us and over circumstances in people’s lives. God longs to be released. Someone’s life depends on it. Someone’s family depends on it. Someone’s deliverance depends on it. Within the human spirit of every believer is the life and nature of God through the person of Jesus Christ. According to 2 Pet. 1:4, we have His divine nature and with that nature comes His supernatural attributes and abilities. What we do with them and how we give place to them is entirely up to us. “Through these He has given us His very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires” (2 Pet. 1:4). It’s up to us to determine how much of God’s divine nature the people around us will experience. It’s not solely up to God. He won’t sidestep working through us to reveal who He is or who He longs to be to mankind. A divine pathway that depends on both God and man was created to reach people; when one is missing, our impact goes

out the window. From the very beginning, God had a plan to work through us to bless the world! “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground’” (Gen. 1:27-28). In essence, God told Adam, “You have dominion and authority... make a move, and I’ll back you up.” The world needs both, God and someone He can live through. In light of this, it becomes easy to understand where there is turmoil, strife, and division in a family, city, or nation; the root cause is our unwillingness to cooperate with God. It’s possible to be in a community full of Christians and not experience the life of God within that community. It’s possible for the hurting to be among the healed, but for the pain of brokenness to remain. God wants to love people through you. He wants His divine nature pouring out of every believer, understanding that His divine nature is love. He’s looking for those who will “Love Out Loud.”

Discover

4th Book

the Sensible Shoes Series

Take a spiritual journey with the bestselling novels in the Sensible Shoes series.

1st Book

2nd Book

3rd Book

NOW AVAILABLE!

CONNECT WITH SHARON GARLOUGH BROWN AT

SENSIBLESHOESCLUB.COM

ivpress.com 43

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

BRAND-NEW

Plus a study guide for you and your friends!

encouragement / healthy

emotions

Finding Joy in Dark Times by Jenny Heckman, MS, LPC, NCC

Q: How do we experience joy in the midst of suffering? A:

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

Jenny Heckman is a professional licensed counselor who owns a private counseling practice, Robust Sanity LLC, seeing individuals, couples, and families in Brookfield, Wis. Additionally, she has served on the pastoral staffs of several churches and has been married to her husband, Mark, for 25 years and has four children.

Visit my site! jennyheckman.com

Two days ago, I was deeply contemplating how we access both joy and hope during deep suffering. This question had been percolating in my soul, and recent personal and global events have heightened the need to gain wisdom on this subject. My 22-year-old daughter had just attended a funeral of a high school classmate who overdosed on drugs. This is the ninth loss of a high school friend, by either suicide or overdose, within the last six years. She, her friends, and our community are wrestling with the unsettling, unanswered, and complex questions these tragic deaths have raised. That evening, I attended my son’s last regular season football game. It was his senior year, and during the second game of the season, he broke his fibula, resulting in seven long weeks of recovery. Everyone was excited for his return. During his third possession of the first quarter, he slipped on wet grass as he attempted to score. He reinjured the leg, and return for playoffs are cautiously optimistic. He wept on the bench in his dad’s embrace after the game as the reality of his injury set in. These personal sufferings are set in the present broader context of the worst mass shooting our country has experienced in Las Vegas, continued displacement and wreckage from a horrific hurricane season, and of course, the usual “us-against-

them” rhetoric and behavior in U.S. politics. Every day, as a psychotherapist, I also have the honor of climbing into the world of my clients whose trauma, hardships, and perseverance teach and challenge me to the depth of my being. Needless to say, I have been wrestling spiritually. How is it possible to access and allow joy to fill a soul amid micro-and macro-experiences of suffering and evil? Below are some reflections from my wrestling soul.

1. Joy requires us to release our expectation of what is an acceptable outcome.

Three passages of Scripture have rocked my “outcome-based” spiritual world lately: “Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, ‘O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up’” (Dan. 3:16-18, NASB). “These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect” (Heb. 11:39-40).

“Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, ‘My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will’” (Matt. 26:39). All held loosely to the outcome because it didn’t define the One they worshipped, trusted, and loved. Letting go of an acceptable outcome is the birthplace of joy. It did not threaten their experience of being the Beloved of the Lover. I want to be this kind of worshipper, but I have a hard time letting go.

2. Joy requires that we feel sadness, anguish, grief, and bewilderment.

Brene Brown wisely said in her 2010 TED Talk: “We cannot numb pain without numbing joy.” We are told in Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” We are also reminded in Psalm 30:5 “...weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” Here is the reality: we cannot know joy if we do not embrace pain. Until recently, I did not realize how intimately these are connected. This reality is laced not only throughout the entire narrative of the Scriptures, but research to date on psychological resilience affirms it too. We are designed to feel pain and struggle through it. And when we resist it, there’s a tremendous cost to the joy we experience in our lives.

digital wellness / encouragement

Raising Empathy in a Selfie World by Dr. Sylvia Hart Frejd

Dr. Sylvia Hart Frejd is a popular speaker, author, and life coach. She currently serves as the Founder and Executive Director of the Nation’s First Digital Wellness Center at Liberty University where she is teaching a healthy use and theology of technology.

FOUR WAYS TO RAISE YOUR EMPATHY 1. Listen to understand, not just respond. Most of us don’t listen well. We nod our heads while someone is talking, but most of the time we are thinking about our response. Try listening to understand what the person is feeling as they share. Notice if their tone is high or low. Are they sad, mad, or excited? 2. Develop a natural curiosity about others. To be a good listener you just have to become

I also feel pressure to “like” someone’s posts in order to make sure they will like mine in return. I think we need to get honest about why we post and why we like others’ posts. Studies show that you and I crave empathy, but on a daily basis, most of us are shown little empathy. The good news is that psychologists believe we can increase empathy throughout our lifetime. There is perhaps no other attribute more vital to help develop our relationships with others than to raise our empathy.

curious about people. Listen for a key word or phrase that you want them to expand on. 3. Spend s ome time in another’s shoes. Ask yourself, “How does it feel to be this person? What are their dreams and fears? What is important to them? How would I respond if I was in their situation?” 4. Share yourself with others. When we are transparent and honest with others, it shows we value them. Look for needs that you can meet in others, and give generously of your time and attention.

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

Visit my site! TheDigitalInvasion.com

Empathy: The ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling. It’s about placing yourself in someone else’s shoes and feeling what they are feeling. Did you know that 2013 was the year the word “selfie” made it into the dictionary? It’s hard to believe the word has only been around for five years. It is estimated that the average person will take 25,000 selfies in their lifetime. Even though it hasn’t been very long, we now live in a “selfie” world where empathy is in short supply. In fact, not only is empathy down 40 percent, but narcissism is up 30 percent—surprised? In 2010, a study from the University of Michigan compiled results examining college students over 30 years and found a 40 percent decrease in empathy over this time. The sharpest drop-off occurred after 2000, when digital technologies started their slow creep into students’ daily lives. In fact, several of the problematic tendencies of our online behavior—comments sections, cyberbullying, and even the “Facebook envy” we get when we think everyone else’s life seems better than ours—can be attributed, at least in part, to a lack of empathy. Philippians 2:2-4 says, “Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose. Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too” (NLT).

This Scripture in Philippians offers us great wisdom on how we should use social media. We should not be selfish or try to impress others by boasting about our accomplishments or endeavors. Rather we should be humble about our lives, looking out for the interest of others. I will be honest, it is hard for me to post pictures of my vacation, and to post things like, “I have the most amazing husband,” because I know how painful it can be to read these kinds of posts.

encouragement / between

friends

Deciding to Love It by Shelly Esser

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

Shelly Esser is editor of Just Between Us. Additionally, she has served on the Board of the Pastoral Leadership Institute. She and her husband have four daughters and a son-in-law, and live in Menomonee Falls, Wis.

Email me! sesser@elmbrook.org

I recently came across a convicting story about a 92-year-old woman who lost her husband after 70 years of marriage. On this particular day, she was moving into a nursing home—her new home after her husband’s death. After hours of waiting patiently in the lobby, she was told her room was ready. She smiled sweetly. While gingerly maneuvering to her room with her walker, she was given a visual description of it, including eyelet curtains that had been hung on the window. “I love it,” she said with enthusiasm. “Mrs. Jones, you haven’t even seen the room…just wait,” her escort said. “That doesn’t have anything to do with it,” she said. “Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. I already decided to love it.” “I make a decision every morning when I wake up. I have a choice: I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work [she is legally blind], or I can get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I’ll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I’ve stored away just for this time in my life.” She went on to say, “Old age is like a bank account—you withdraw from what you’ve put in. My advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories. I am still despositing.” With a smile, she shared five simple rules to being happy: • Free your heart from hatred • Free your mind from worries • Live simply • Give more • Expect less

I couldn’t help but think about Philippians 4:8 after reading her story: “Finally, brothers (and sisters), whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Despite difficult circumstances, which is often where our minds most often take us to dwell, Mrs. Jones chose to focus on the lovely, the praiseworthy, and the excellent. What a difference it made! Tommy Newberry says in his book, The 4:8 Principle: The Secret to a Joy-Filled Life, “Our thinking profoundly influences every aspect of our lives. All lasting change is preceded by changed thinking…A revival of our minds. How well your mind works dictates how much joy you experience. No area of your life is untouched by your thoughts.” Our battles are often won or lost in our minds. It’s what we choose to think about that dictates the joy and happiness in our lives or the lack of it. Our lives are always reflections of our thoughts. If we change our thinking, we can change our lives. Too often, my first thought goes to the negative: all that isn’t, instead of all that is. I love Mrs. Jones’s phrase when talking about her room, “I already decided to love it.” Wow! I wonder how our outlooks would change if we would think like that by: • Deciding to love a difficult child • Deciding to love my house the way it is

• Deciding to love my husband’s shortcomings • Deciding to love something in the life I have • Deciding to love my job and income • Deciding to love my body size • Deciding to love the way God made me • Deciding to love something about this stage of life • Deciding to love the worship music at church • Deciding to love the spiritual growth that hard times bring • Deciding to love______________ You fill in the blank. You may not be able to love everything in your life, but there is always something to be thankful for—something that can be loved. Where do you need to train your mind? What are you thinking about most often? How can you be thankful for the things that are working in your life instead of what’s not? What we think about eventually does define us. Proverbs 23:7 says, “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he,” (KJV). We become what we think. To focus on the lovely, the praiseworthy, and the admirable helps us see the good in life and people. It helps us become thankful people instead of complaining people. By thinking about the good gifts God surrounds us with every single day, we’re able to find true joy and happiness because we see life for the gift that it truly is. I know what I need to decide to love, what about you?

Being used by God is an adventure you wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want to miss!

With her trademark warmth and keen sense of humor, Jill Briscoe, founder of Just Between Us, helps readers learn how to allow God to live through them, finding their mission field to be right before them â&#x20AC;&#x201D;in the space between their own two feet.

TellingTheTruth.org

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

L E A R N M O R E AT

TH E

NIVLING ®

BESTSLEALTION ! TR A N S

just between us S P R I N G 2 0 1 8

Armed with The NIV Action Study Bible, kids will experience the timeless truth of God’s Word as alive and active!

Get It Today!

Visit your local Christian retailer or Amazon.com today!