Parenting Pearls

The Jewish Home | JULY 7, 2022 Parenting Pearls SCOTUS and Tough Conversations

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

Before Shabbos came in, I had an article nearly finished for the upcoming week. It was almost complete, needing just a bit more work. As always, the house got a bit hectic just before candle lighting but calmed down as Shabbos came in. As we sat around the Shabbos table, the conversation took a surprising turn towards the recent, monumental rulings from the Supreme Court. While normally the country barely notices any judicial changes, this week the Court kept making headlines.

While Roe v. Wade is an unusual enough topic for the fish course, what really made the topic stand out was that the conversation started with my older children asking some tough questions. This was not an adult-initiated conversation, but a child-introduced one. Clearly, not only had my children heard of the recent rulings, but they had many questions about them, trying to understand what these major issues meant.

It seems my teens are not alone in this one – the rulings have been hard to ignore. Frum newspapers and magazines, social media and letters to the editor have all had coverage of these major adjustments. Divrei Torah and announcements from major Jewish organizations have all been written to let us know the emes of what we’re seeing. When researching this article, I typed in “recent,” and the first search that was suggested was “recent Supreme Court rulings.” Even Google is hooked! It’s everywhere, and our children have noticed.

While frum parents may have perked up from the potential benefits to yeshivas from the recent case of Carson v. Makin in Maine, clearly it was Roe v. Wade and the right to conceal and carry that have been predominantly making their way into our teenagers’ everyday conversation.

As the kids asked some hard questions that brought up even more difficult answers, our guest turned to me and asked, “Will this be your next article?” I quickly said I wasn’t interested in turning this into an article. I try to avoid politics and controversy while staying within what is relevant to parents of our community – SCOTUS’s rulings generally don’t fit neatly into that category. After Shabbos, I thought it over more and realized that if my kids were asking these questions, then so were others. Being available and ready to answer these inquiries is very much a parenting issue.

While I will be addressing this issue from the point of view of current events, this discussion is applicable to the many times our children will come to us expecting answers to difficult questions.

As mentioned above, I try to avoid controversy, and these rulings are full of it. At first, I thought it would be impossible to address this topic without stirring up every hornet’s nest on the island. I then realized that taking sides is irrelevant to the topic at hand. How you answer your children’s questions is unconnected to taking sides. Even more than that, there is no need for me to even take a stand on any of these emotionally charged issues. Fortunately, our Torah hakedosha has all the guidance we need on how to view these and any other challenging issues that will arise.

From personal experience, I can say that one thing I have learned to appreciate from all this controversy is how much I appreciate having divine guidance. The only seichel in this insanity is the Truth as Hashem gave it, and we can all feel fortunate to have received this Ultimate Truth at Har Sinai.

Be Their Trusted Source

You know your child, and you know if they’re going to pick up on the news buzzing around them. You want to be their main source of information – not their friends, social media or even newspapers. Those articles – as helpful as they may be – are usually written for adults.

While it’s natural that children – teens, in particular – turn to friends for advice and knowledge, this isn’t always ideal. Peers are often inaccurate when being sources of information and can inadvertently mislead others. Sadly, friends sometimes don’t have the most altruistic intentions and have been known to unintentionally, or even intentionally, give poor advice.

Additionally, when a child goes to someone else, it takes away from our ability to play that role in their lives. When your child knows they can come to you about one complicated topic, it increases the odds they’ll come to you when another thorny issue arises. It’s emotionally healthy for a child to know they can trust their parents and turn to them as life gets more complex.

Please note, it is my humble opinion that if a parent is unable to have these discussions, it is better for someone else to stand in rather than leave a child without a resource.

Be Prepared

Once you know they’re going to have questions, you should be prepared to have answers. Often, it can be best if parents bring up the discussion. Whether you or they bring up the topic, you want to have answers ready. You don’t need to know everything, but a basic understanding of the subject matter is important. We are unlikely to anticipate all the potential questions, but at least we can come into the discussion having an elementary understanding or background of the matter.

While others may have a different approach, I can share a bit of how the discussion occurred in our home. For

example, when it came to Roe v. Wade, I explained the Torah viewpoint first. I then explained both sides and contrasted their views with the Torah’s teachings. Baruch Hashem, my older children were able to recognize the truth from the sheker. They had plenty of questions, and I tried to answer each to the best of my ability. My little ones – those who were too young to understand – simply enjoyed their dinner and didn’t seem too bothered. If I was concerned that the subject was too mature for a given child, I would have requested that the discussion take place when less ears were present.

There are times that it is best to initiate the discussion. Being the first to bring up the topic shows that you are truly open to the conversation. It also makes it easier for the hesitant child to ask rather than remain closed and confused.

Parents don’t need to know everything, and there’s nothing wrong with looking something up before answering. Many parents may find it helpful to ask their rav, rebbetzin or other appropriate professional before having an important talk. If you need more time or want to have the conversation at a later point, then just let your child know. Parents are busy people and can’t always speak on-demand. Just make sure to prioritize having this discussion at a later time with them. Children notice if we push them off and then forget about the issue. Children can be very black and white thinkers. It can be frustrating for parents to speak with a child who is unable to understand the nuances of an issue. Some children may even sound irrational

Making the Conversation Easier

Some parents may find it helpful to discuss the issue using clear facts and less emotion. For some parents, medical facts, technological details, and statistics are less frightening. Use your and your

Being the first to bring up the topic shows that you are truly open to the conversation.

in their opinions, unable to even consider a different viewpoint from their own. It certainly can complicate an already difficult discussion. It may help to remember that it takes time for children and teens to develop the cognitive ability to understand the “gray” in life. They don’t intend to make your life difficult; it happens accidentally – try to be patient. It may not be possible to have the full discussion if your child isn’t cognitively or emotionchild’s personalities and personal comfort to guide you.

Even when discussing a serious topic, the atmosphere need not be tense. The discussion is intense enough, there’s no need to make it feel more painful. Some families will prefer having the discussion as the main focus, while others will benefit from doing another activity simultaneously, such as eating a meal or playing a board game. As counterintuitive as it sounds, it can sometimes be easier to have a difficult conversation when there is something else around to lessen the intensity. Games and other child-friendly activities are often brought into the therapy room to make children feel more comfortable; parents can do similarly. For example, discussing a heavy topic may feel less burdensome if done over a game of checkers – the talk will still take place, but the mood will feel calmer.

With a world that feels ever-changing, our children need us more now than ever. We don’t need to welcome hard conversations to be willing to have them. By showing we are available, especially when life feels confusing, we can show our children we’re present for them whenever they need. We don’t need to know everything to still share the wisdom we have with the next generation.

May Hashem help us to always find the correct words to guide our precious youth.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.