Purim News & Views

News and Views Around the Five Towns

BY TZVI DEAR

Israel’s Sunflower Seed Covid Rules Take Effect

The Israeli government on Wednesday announced that it’s changing its Covid policy from earlier in the day, that changed the second policy from yesterday, which was a reversal of the policy of the day before. From now on, Israel will be open to everyone, not just glow-in-the-dark people who received all 37 boosters, one for each masechta in Talmud Bavli.

Until the policy is changed twice tomorrow, everyone will be let into Israel without restrictions. But, if your flight into the country lands on an odd-numbered time, you will need to quarantine for seventeen days and then take four Covid tests before you can finally go visit your daughter who is in seminary and who hasn’t had a hot meal since the last twenty-three times she went out to eat this month on your credit card. The policy is subject to change so make sure to check in with Eretz Hakodesh often.

According to reports, the ever-changing policy is based on Israel’s Prime Minister Naftali Bennett’s morning routine of spitting garinim. Basically, Bennett wakes up in the morning and sees how far he can spit his sunflower seeds. If they land past four feet (that’s hard…you really need to know the wind patterns), then he will change the policy again.

Bennett is actually an expert sunflower speed spitter. That’s about all that he is good at. (Well, he’s also great at photo ops with Putin, but that’s another story for another day.) Recently, he spit a sunflower seed so far that his bottle cap yarmulka flew off. This made him realize that that it was time to stick a new piece of Bazooka gum under his yarmulka to keep it affixed to his shiny skull.

Bennett is a big boy version of Zvika, the pesty character of those “really funny” Bazooka gum wrapper jokes. Nothing that Zvika guy ever made any sense. Some people turn to books like The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People to get their inspiration. It seems like Bennett literally took one of those gum wrappers and used it as his guide to life. “Em, Zvika, I have bubble gum

under my yarmulka.” “Wy, wy, you

can be prime minister.”

Although from a political perspective, Bennett was supposed to only last in the premier’s seat for around 12 sunflower seed spits, it doesn’t help that the head of the opposition is dealing with more charges than You-Know-Who Swindler. But Bibi will definitely be victorious in the end – he bribed the judge! (Just joking! I like Bibi…ever see his speeches from when he was young? If you didn’t, how did you avoid THAT YouTube rabbit hole?)

Well, what Israel is lacking in politicians, they have in musicians. Over the past few years, the songs of Israeli artists have come to the Five Towns like a beautiful crushing wave from the Splitting Sea. The Israeli artists have great voices and nice tunes, but they all have such dramatic lives –o they have these deep conversations in their songs about who they are existentially...

“Ani Kemoh rose petal floating in the wind trying to find my way to

judge everyone favorably, including myself…”

Um, hello? Someone ought to tell them that the Beatles sold over a billion albums with lyrics like, “You say hi, I say low.”

How do I know that it’s “hi” and not “high”?

I’m a Beatles expert; my Zoom background screen is the crosswalk in Liverpool.

OK, not sure that exists, but it should. should. Maybe the secret society of Maybe the secret society of Zoom background screen Zoom background screen creators can work on creators can work on the Liverpool background. It certainly beats staring at colleagues hovering a hundred feet over the Golden Gate Bridge. Every time that she moves her hand, I’m not sure if my colleague swatting a fly or did the actual Golden Gate Bridge behind her just completely crumple, taking the whole left side of her body with it. Hey, they do have earthquakes in San Francisco?

The first time that happened, I called 911:

“911, how may we help you?”

“Yes, I know that this may sound weird…but, I’m on a Zoom conference and…I think I may have just…seen

the Golden Gate Bridge collapse.”

Hey, somebody has to call it in, no?

Maybe the Israelis could start making some cool Zoom background screens in their hi-tech industry. I’m tired of telling every non-Jew that Waze was made in Tel Aviv. I need some new material. Israel’s hi-tech is huge!

Chello Chummus

Israelis are not only good at hitech, they also make good chummus. Did you know that PepsiCo bought Sabra Chummus for tens of millions of dollars?

I do feel proud when I pass the Sabra display in the non-Jewish supermarket. I want to scream out, “Hey everyone, please stop and listen for a second. Do you see all of this chummus? It comes from my community. Now do you see how smart we Jews are?”

It’s not that chummus is such a crazy invention but the fact that the food whose express purpose is to sit sadly, lid-free on the shalosh seudos table three and a half hours after Shabbos ends was sold to PepsiCo for $60 million.

Seriously, did PepsiCo also get in the deal those poor, stubby carrots that are always strewn on the battlefield near the congealing chummus?

The truth is, I shouldn’t mock PepsiCo. In fact, I’d love to work in their Sabra Chummus division because I’d want to chime in on whether to put two cucumber slices on the container top of the individual chummus package or three thin pretzels. I could only imagine the meetings: “Steve, we considered your proposal for three thin pretzel chips and are pleased to let you know…. We

are going for it! You are a rising star

in our organization!”

Hey, maybe it’s those pretzel chips that made Sabra Chummus so popular.

In fact, at a recent hi-tech convention in the Five Towns there was a full chummus display set up to make the non-Jews feel comfortable.

Tech Titans Converge on Five Towns

The convention drew all of the big names in the tech industry. Jack Dorsey took time off from his 21-day kombucha bath to attend the convention and talk about how to blow your nose when you have a massive nose ring in it. Although he is the final call on who has a voice in this world, he looks more like the pathetic cousin who never found his place in life. “Jack is really not

doing well emotionally. Don’t tell anyone, but he’s thinking about getting a nose ring.”

Nothing says, “I endeavor to work the night shift at Wawa” like getting one of those nose rings. Yet, somehow, Dorsey is the final arbiter on all things moral, testifying in front of Congress every three days. With that nose ring, the only thing he should testify in Congress about is: “Sir, please tell this committee why you think that the chocolate ring-a-dings are overpriced?”

Mark Zuckerberg, another genius who controls the world, was at the conference as well. He gave a speech on the topic of how to always look like a cardboard cutout of yourself. He also disclosed the thought process of changing Facebook’s name to Meta. Basically, it was a weekend of heavy drinking combined with kidney stones; never a good idea when you are a cardboard cutout.

Bill Gates, who just finished ravaging the world with Covid, also participated in the Five Towns conference. He discussed with the audience how you can be worth $100 billion but still wear the same pair of beige pants every day. I guess it makes sense that the most compelling photo for Windows he was able to come up with over the past twenty years was a patch of grass and a partially cloudy sky. OK, I’ll hit Control-Alt-Delete to that all day, every day.

The convention also featured Elon Musk, who has a great name – I still have to think twice to recall that he’s not Jewish. Imagine if he would be Jeff Zuckerberg’s kid – his name would be Meta Musk. I’m much more comfortable flying around the world in an autonomous mode vehicle made by Elon Musk than Meta Musk.

Warren Buffett, who is the only guy in America who has not aged in the last several decades, was spotted at the convention sucking down a three-thousand calorie root beer float. That’s why he is Warren Buffett, and you are selling knishes.

Several decades ago, Buffett said to himself that instead of always thinking that he’s starting to look old, he’ll just look like he’s 87 when he is forty. This way, he won’t have to worry every time he gets another white nose hair.

It seems to be working.

Buffett doesn’t look like he holds back on his grease-burgers, and his belly still stops right before it pops off a button. That means that he may technically go through his entire life and never actually pop the button off. We’re all in suspense.

The entire reason that there’s a trillion-dollar nutrition industry in the Five Towns is because people are trying to make sure that the button doesn’t pop. Buffett is almost at his expiration date, and his button still hasn’t moved an inch. Rumor has it that Buffett is looking into buying all nutritionists’ books of business and renaming them Berkshire Hathaway Nutrition. What would a business convention in an Orthodox Jewish neighborhood be without Mark Cuban, the classic

Jewish-looking billionaire with great hair? Cuban spoke about the interesting topic of “how to look like a mixture of every yeshiva guy who

ALTHOUGH THE PANDEMIC MAY BE

OVER, WE ARE STILL OPEN TO ALL THOSE WHO WANT TO BE STUCK IN 2020

was ever entrepreneurial…well, most of them at least.”

One secret he did not give away was how he maintains his luxurious locks. Truthfully, even if Cuban would have shared his top-secret tips on how-to-almost-star-in-a-Pantene-ad, there’s no way yeshiva guys would be able to replicate his techniques. Full heads of hair are certainly not hereditary when it comes to the frum community. Hey, didn’t your grandmother tell you that it’s good for you to not excel at everything? Pooh, pooh, pooh.

The convention featured football field-sized charcuterie boards and 3,000-year-old scotch for the frum participants. There was also a karaoke machine so that the frum guys could get all excited and remember the time that they sang karaoke in Netanya once during bein hazmanim.

For the non-Jews at the convention, there was Sabra Chummus.

Jeff Bezos came to the convention because he was in town for other business. He is looking for a Five Towns facility to house an Amazon warehouse.

Most people have never seen the inside of an Amazon warehouse and have absolutely no idea how big they are. (Settle down – you are not an expert just because you once snuck a peak into an Amazon warehouse under construction. “Squawk Box” isn’t exactly calling you in as an expert.) The Five Towns warehouse will solely handle deliveries and returns relating to Chanukah presents. Much like the one flask of oil found in the Beis Hamikdash lasted for a full eight days, the Amazon Chanukah present season lasts eight months, factoring in returns and repurchases.

Bezos was interested in the location at the corner of Rockaway Turnpike and Central Avenue, since it is one of the largest spaces in the Five Towns. However, that space was recently taken by a juice shop. Supposedly, their milk shake machine is going to be pretty large.

Although the Five Towns is pretty low-tech – other than talking parking meters – there were some hi-tech attractions for the titans of business to see. Some members of the convention went to Bais-Ment in Lawrence to observe the announcement board. None of them have ever seen an algorithm quite like that before. (It is best to get approved by your optometrist before looking at that thing.) Others ordered food from Chimichurri where you can “skip the line and order online” and feel like you are in England while ordering friend chicken, for some reason.

The convention was held at the new space on Central Avenue called The Cheese Shop which is the only large enough space to host an event of this size. The Cheese Shop recently hosted a Dirshu Siyum Hashas as well.

Honda Odyssey Convoy Halts Traffic

While the tycoons were in town, a truck brigade formed on Central Avenue.

The tycoons noticed it at around 10AM on Friday when there was a huge influx of Honda Odysseys on Central Avenue. The Odysseys moved at snail’s pace throughout the day. Most of the Odysseys had their windshields entirely blocked by hanging paper miniature minivans from their reaview mirrors, and had their bumpers completely blocked by Thank You Hashem and Glick bumper stickers, with the occasional pickle bumper sticker, just to spice things up. Most of the drivers in the convoys stopped to allow passengers out of their vehicles at various teenage girls clothing stores. (Do you have to do that on Friday? Come on! I gotta get to Gourmet Glatt for another jalapeno dip!)

With the convoy not moving each Friday, the expert on crushing such convoys, Canada’s Justin Trudeau, came to the scene. He blended in well because he looked like every other Modern Orthodox man that davens at the young professional’s minyan in Woodmere.

Trudeau actually stopped in a new shul called Koof. (How’s that for the shortest shul name in this neighborhood?!) Trudeau’s solution was to shut down social media on Central Avenue. This way, people would stop looking at their phones while driving.

Oh, wow, she makes deli roll without deli and without roll. Oh, wow, I gotta try that…and I really have to look

at this post while driving on a congested street with tons of pedestrians because it’s really important.

Here’s a good rule that drivers on Central Avenue should start following: when a light is green, you go. When it’s red, you stop. Can we stipulate to that?

I guess it would also help if you didn’t have to slow down when you pass every store to see what is going on inside.

Hey, is that a J.K. Rowling sign-

ing books in Blue Door? No. It’s not. Please keep driving.

Hmm, how many people are in the pizza shop right now? Mind your own business. Just because you pack a small guacamole (my invention when I worked for Sabra) and two whole wheat crackers doesn’t make you any better than anyone else. Who’s enjoying life like Warren Buffett?

A very generous philanthropist speaking at the Pesichas Hakollel

Also, you don’t have to stop your car in the middle of the Avenue every time that you get a enue every time that you get a phone call. Why do you phone call. Why do you need to pick up need to pick up the call anyway? You are only getting one of three types of calls anyways: -Your kids because they want Chickies. No! -Nyrantine from India (or is it Pakistan? Or maybe Bangladesh?) because she is very concerned that your car warranty is almost up on the vehicle that you returned to the leasing company six years ago. No! -And… “Hi, um… my brother’s sister’s uncle was in yeshiva with you. Do you want to buy a raffle ticket from me? Sure! By the way, I was

only roommates with him for a month. Now I’m on the hook for his whole extended famihook for his whole extended fami-

ly’s bike-a-thons? Whoever made the ly’s bike-a-thons? Whoever made the cost-benefit on that friendship way back when really did a bang-up job!

Sourdough Skyscraper on Central

Aside for the weekly convoys, things on Central Avenue are about to get busier. A massive pencil-shaped skyscraper is going up at the former location of Sushi Metzuyan. Gourmet Glatt has reportedly leased the bottom 10 floors.

There will be four floors for parking, five floors for shopping, and one floor for sourdough bread. Hachayim V’Hashalom, which is located on Cedarhurst Avenue, is also taking out a few floors because they need storage facilities for their Moroccan spices. There will also be a helipad so that people from Lakewood can fly into town to go to Doma…because “wherever you go, you gotta go private.”

Mask Forwarders is also taking

MASK FORWARDERS

out space in the new tower. Now that Blazing Guns Bruce Blakeman, Nassau County’s new country executive, engaged in the extremely reckless behavior of terminating the mask mandate two days before the rest of the country followed suit, many people gleefully ditched their masks. Some, though, feel very connected to their new friend that adorned their faces for the past two years. Well, now, there is a marketplace for those that are emaskapated to sell their masks to those that are emasckulated.

The builders for this building to tower over Central Avenue only obtained the permit to build the intothe-sky structure after they agreed to take the Mets log off the horse at Cedarhurst Park.

“Since the Mets have not won in 30 years, it makes no sense to have a fake horse at the entrance of our park with a Mets logo,” said a town official.

In its place, the horse will be adorned with a Yankees logo. Now, it won’t seem so strange when people see a horse with a Yankee logo… “Eh, typical Yankees fan.”

The truth is that both Yankees fans and Mets fans really have nothing to argue about this year because neither team will win any games. You see, while you are busy hustling for every penny, the major league owners and players can’t figure out how to split the cagillion dollars that they make. So, I have a great idea: how about closing the whole thing down?

The whole going-to-CitiField-and-paying-$18-dollarsfor-a-steamed-hotdog is pretty overrated. I’d rather watch Bennett spit garinim. He can certainly spit them farther than any Mets player can hit a ball.

New Seasons Express to Open

After much success throughout the Five Towns, Seasons Express is taking it to the next level with a new flagship store. The new store, which is slightly better than the existing locations, is going to be at the edge of civilization, on the corner of Rockaway Turnpike and Brookville Boulevard.

“It’s time for kids to stop messing around with 3,400-calorie super-sized Slushies,” said Mr. Moe Sugar, who is overseeing the project. “They need to up their game and go for the 12,000-calorie lifesized Slushies. Hey, once it doesn’t fit in the cupboard anyway, might as well get the biggest one.”

The Slushies will come in garbage can-sized cups. They will have wheels on them so that the kids don’t have to hold them. Since the store is located within the confines of New York City, though, the only straws available are the ones that evaporate upon contact with the Slushies. This will require the kids to at times lift the cans up to their faces in order to drink.

The truth is that kids in the Five Towns are very healthy and strong these days. They stopped t h e i r steady daily diets of six potato knishes, individualized chocolate cakes, umbrella lollypops and Devash chocolate milks and have replaced them with really healthy food in school – three bowls of Fruity Pebbles for breakfast, six cookies for snack, pasta for lunch every single day, followed by endless bags of pretzels. Oh, and apple juice to complete the diet menu.

The new Seasons Express will be fully stocked so that every time a kid gets a prize for not beating up a sibling, saying thank you, flushing the toilet, going to school two days in a row, or tying at least one shoelace, they can go to Seasons Express and get two treats – one small one and one medium one.

“Wait, can I get one big treat and

two small ones?

How about a me-

dium and a drink? What about a squishy sponge toy

that looks like a strawberry short-

cake and a candy?”

Now you know why they think we’re nuts in China. “Chi chi wah chi cho che che…”

In Chinese, that means: “OK, listen up folks who don’t really have a say in the matter. Today we are making squishy spungies that look and smell like strawberry shortcakes… Don’t ask, but that’s what the Americans want!”

And we laugh at fortune cookies?

There are many instances of people winning millions by playing their fortune cookie numbers. (Dude, you’re really supposed to just wrap those papers around your finger, they’re not meant to be taken seriously, but kudos to you.) On the other hand, how many people won the lotto by reading the serial numbers on the squishy sponge that looks and smells like strawberry shortcakes?

“Honey, I think I found the winning numbers on this squishy strawberry shortcake...000374”

“No, sweetheart. That’s your weight, not the winning lotto numbers.”

By the way, shalom bayis in gematria (numerical value) comes out to the same gematria as “squishy strawberry shortcake spungies.”

OK. It’s not the same gematria. But you’re the genius who checked – sniffing squishy strawberry

shortcakes spungies from Seasons Express is not good for your brain cells.

The location of the new, flagship store of Seasons Express is optimal for people turning right onto Brookville Boulevard, which is not advisable unless you have an amphibious land-sea vehicle. However, many have gone in their Honda Odysseys, desperate to get to the Rebbe’s Ohel where they have unlimited Ostreicher’s cookies. (If you never scraped the top of an Ostreicher’s cookie with your teeth, you haven’t lived. You know you look like a chipmunk when you’re doing it, but nothing beats scraping that cookie down until you hit the first chocolate chip. It’s like finally reaching pay dirt!)

The trip down Brookville Boulevard, which is like a drive-through Ikea for homeless furniture, is only possible if it hasn’t drizzled for the past week, otherwise, the entire roadway becomes part of Jamaica Bay. It is also dependent on none of the mattresses strewn on the side of the road moving an inch over and blocking the whole road. (I get why people try using air mattresses to float in the swamps, but don’t they realize already that it never works with a regular mattress?)

Additionally, the roadway is fertile grounds for people to dump their old ellipticals, so that is another thing that drivers must avoid. I guess if you are traveling on a road in which you will end up in Jamaica Bay if you sneeze wrong, there is really no reason to try and get into shape anyway.

Ruben’s: Click. Click. Click

Seasons Express is bringing an upgrade to the whole area. Ruben’s Barber Shop is moving into a new Bucharian structure being built right near the new Seasons Express location. However, until that building is ready, Ruben’s will be located inside of Lowes.

Now, the next time you go to your barber, you will be able to buy a new generator in addition to batteries for your 1980’s calculator watches and a funky brush that slides onto your finger. (Although the orange comb will still be missing from the barber’s cardboard display set. Is there some guy who goes to every barber shop and buys the orange pocket hairbrushes? I could just imagine the interview with the neighbors after this guy finally “goes postal.” “I

mean he was a good neighbor, totally normal. I never noticed anything strange about him. I mean, he had a

thing for orange finger combs, but

other than that, he seemed totally

fine.”)

Now you will be able to stop in for a danish at Seasons Express and a haircut at Ruben’s while on your way to work. If you are there early enough, you will be able to listen to the barbers talking intensely to each other in Bucharian (or maybe it’s Russian? Ukrainian? Wait, I definitely hear some Hebrew words in there, too).

As you sit helplessly in the barber chair overhearing their Bucharihebrewenglish discussion, you want to believe that your barber is solving some serious international Bucharian crisis, because this conversation is intense and serious. You don’t want to believe that they are just talking about everything that happened to them since the last time that they saw each other ten hours ago because if that’s what they are talking about, they have some pretty dramatic lives.

What could have happened between 8PM and 7AM… Did his wife burn the Chebureki?

What is so riveting that is making the barber supposed to be giving you a haircut turn towards the other barber and bang his comb against the scissors three times. Click. Click. Click.

That is definitely a sign that something really serious is being contemplated. Click. Click. Click.

I always wanted to get scissors and a comb so that I could try that move. It seems so contemplative and therapeutic.

“The bank just called that they are repossessing the house tomor-

row morning.”

Oh, really now? Click, click,

click.

(Uh oh, now you think that I have a thing for combs… and you think that I have a thing for orange combs so I must be the Unibomber. Let me confess, I do like orange combs; don’t know why.

But I am not the Unibomber. The worst crime I ever committed was dumping a mattress on the side of Brookville Boulevard. I tried calling the Sanitation Department to pick it up from in front of my house, but I’m way too intimidated by the guy that picks up. “Sanitation, what do you need? Dead fish? Cement boots?” “Uh, um...nothing. I’m good.”)

Talking about the barber, why do they need to rip off the corner of a paper every time they finish giving a haircut?

Is that some Bucharian custom?

May your hair follicles have a good

month and stay deeply ensconced in your skull. That is a blessing that many in the Five Towns need. After all, every middle-aged guy that is a big player in his shul has a combover that looks like it’s been stuck in position longer than the Verrazano Bridge cables. Trust me, those few strands are not going anywhere.

Although Ruben’s – which gives the best haircuts in town – currently has ample space to service the entire Five Towns community, the new, larger space will have enough room for a whole set of the Ben Ish Chai as well as a new Chitas set and every volume of Breslov pamphlets.

Most of all, there will be enough barbers that within 30 seconds of walking in, Ruben will point to you: “My friend, sir, you are next!”