Parenting Pearls

A Difficult Discussion

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

This is a really hard article to write, and I went back and forth in my mind about whether or not to address this. I eventually decided to put my fingers to the keyboard to discuss this difficult and extremely painful topic. I am not here to be the final word on this issue. I am certainly not coming to you as the biggest expert on this matter. I am not bringing up this sore wound to make it hurt more. I’m simply here to keep the discussion going in the correct direction and hopefully add a little more light to a lot of darkness.

This is complicated to write about, not just because of the inherent sensitivity of the subject matter but also because this is a public forum. I want this publication to remain the family-friendly one parents comfortably allow their children to read. My goal in writing this isn’t to decrease tznius, chas v’shalom, but to increase the kedusha within klal Yisroel. For too long, we’ve avoided the topic because it “wasn’t tznius,” sadly that allowed even worse to occur. With that objective in mind, I am writing this article but doing so in a more discreet fashion.

I know it’s tempting to avoid the topic in the hopes of sheltering our children. Truthfully, I’d love it if we could shelter them and keep them pure from all the insanity around us. Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s realistic. Children are exposed to the elements of the world, and if we don’t fortify them with the emes then we risk far worse, chas v’shalom. Not being taught about drugs doesn’t prevent a child from being offered them; it simply means they don’t know the dangers inherent to the substance. Similarly, avoiding the discussion on abuse does not thwart it.

For percentages and other important details, I used the American Academy of Pediatrics (aap.org) and RAINN (rainn.org). There’s so much to say, and one article will not cover it. Thank you to the mental health professionals and abuse survivors that took the time to review this article before we went to print.

The Basics

Let’s get through some of the basics quickly and hopefully clear away many of the misconceptions.

Abusers come in all ages, genders, and types. For too long, we assumed the risk came from some scary outsider. Now we know that, sadly, the greatest threat is from within, chas v’shalom. A perpetrator is generally someone that knows their victim well, often a friend or family member, so it’s usually someone the victim trusts. The frum abuse survivors that I know were attacked by other Jews, almost always a “frum Jew.” This makes it both easier for the victim to initially trust their abuser and harder to report them afterwards.

Most perpetrators are male but there are some that are female. Victims can be any age at the time it occurs, and we now know that males can also be victimized, not just females. I will be focusing on children because this is a parenting article but please remember that abuse is painful at any age.

Most abuse – more than twothirds – is not reported. Even those who do report the abuse may not do so for a long time. There are many reasons why victims don’t come forward and not being believed is one of them. Obviously, we can’t go around randomly accusing people of various crimes, but every allegation needs to be taken seriously. We certainly don’t want to punish a guiltless person, but for too long we’ve taken the other route and erred on the side of protecting the guilty while ignoring the true innocents. It’s important to remember that false allegations are exceptionally rare. While everyone talks about “fake victims” and “lying,” the many resources I viewed all used the term “rare” while stressing that false allegations are highly unlikely.

Abuse comes in many forms and not all involve physical contact, as many assume. Also, there is often a grooming period which serves as a precursor to the abuse, and parents need to know what that entails. Due to the nature of this publication, I will simply urge you to ask a mental health professional or research using a reputable website for examples. It’s important for parents to know how to recognize abuse in its various manifestations and how to properly educate their child in the appropriate nuances.

Victims need to be believed and trusted – not just to prevent further abuse but also to begin their healing. It’s tempting to find fault with the victim, but it’s never the victim’s fault. Nothing that the victim could

do gives someone else the permission to hurt them. Usually, the attack is planned in advance, and the abuser is a predator preying on his victim; it’s not a sudden “taivah” but a form of control. Victims don’t need mussar or criticism; they need support, therapy and to be believed.

What Can Parents Do?

Parents need to be informed and have this talk with their child. Children need to know they can tell their parents anything – even, or especially, if you won’t like it. They should feel comfortable discussing with an adult anything that happened to them or that they did to others.

Parents, in turn, need to respond appropriately when their child comes to them. As an example, a parent may be upset if their child drank too much on Purim, but they certainly would prefer being called to give their child a ride home rather than the devastation of drunk driving. A child who knows they can speak to their parent about anything is a child that has help when needed. Additionally, children should know to never keep secrets from their parents and that it’s a red flag to be told to not tell their parent something.

There are books and other resources available to help parents. Examples include two books by Bracha Goetz, Talking About Personal Privacy and Let’s Stay Safe. Both books contain further resources. There are many appropriate lectures online. Rachel Tuchman, LMHC has a discussion with Rahel Bayar on this topic posted to her Instagram account.

It’s hard to hear your child made a mistake or is in a bad situation, but if we’re not someone they can go to, then who can they trust? And, if they come to us and all we do is yell or panic, then what happens the next time they need our help? You don’t need to go it alone. Your child’s pediatrician, Achiezer, Ohel, SOVRI and Amudim are among the many organizations that have hotlines or mental health professionals available for questions and to help. If you’re unsure how to talk to your child or interpret their response, then please ask. If you see anything concerning, then please take your uncertainty to someone who is experienced in this.

Using the correct name for body parts shows you’re comfortable discussing all parts of their body with them. Children should know that nobody may touch them in a covered area. Doctors are an exception – and only when the parent has given permission.

Children should be trained to trust their instincts. If something

feels uncomfortable, even if seemingly innocent, it is something that needs to be taken seriously. Children should be encouraged to speak up when something makes them feel uneasy.

There are a few things to look out for as red flags. Be cautious of someone showering your child with special gifts or special outings. If a child knows too much about certain things they shouldn’t know about, then you want to know how they found out about those topics. Children may show behavior changes such as withdrawing from family/ friends, doing poorly in school, experiencing anxiety or depression, or behavior that is aggressive or self-destructive.

Abuse creates lifelong trauma that is indescribable in words. It further affects their spouse and children, in addition to those close to them. Due to the nature of this publication, I won’t focus further on the devastation abuse causes but I urge you to read the stories of survivors.

A child who knows they can speak to their parent about anything is a child that has help when needed.

Halacha

We are not doing anyone, other than abusers, any favors by creating an environment that allows the worst of aveiros to go unchecked all while screaming lashon hara, mesira, or other holy words. Halacha is clear that we are to protect people from danger. One can ask a rav for the exact halachos but we’re not being frum by misreading the kadosh words of the Chofetz Chaim. I urge everyone to study and/or ask what the halacha actually requires and not make assumptions or act “l’chumra” (which, in this case, would be “l’kula”). As important as it is to know when we shouldn’t speak, it’s also crucial that we know when we should.

Many people have blamed the victim when the abuser has been punished or his family hurt. It’s not the victim’s fault if an abuser faces consequences for their own sick behavior. Additionally, it’s the abuser that shamed their own family, not the victim. Please note that the abuser’s family is often additional victims to their kin’s disturbing behavior. Protecting the klal from an abuser does not mean we need to further shame their loved ones by pointing, commenting, or excluding their child from parties.

Yichud

Yichud is exceptionally important, and the halachos are something we all should learn. But yichud isn’t sufficient to prevent abuse. It’s easy to think that victims just weren’t careful in halacha or that they made some error – this couldn’t be further from the truth. I prefer to think of yichud, like many gedarim, as something there to prevent those that don’t want to sin – not as guaranteed prevention for all ills. There are a number of reasons that we can’t rely on yichud to protect our children, even if we should all learn and follow those halachos diligently. Those who want to hurt others will find a way. It’s simple to blame the victim by saying he/she didn’t follow halacha but that’s rarely the truth. The victim could’ve done everything possible to follow the law scrupulously, but the perpetrator has the upper hand in this one. Abuse is usually planned in advance by the guilty party and an innocent victim won’t know that coming into a situation.

Additionally, the perpetrator has often been someone the victim trusts to know the halacha and may not realize they’re being lied to. Remember, abusers have usually earned their victim’s trust first. When someone you know to be a yarei Shomayim does something, you don’t ask as many questions. How often do you ask about the kashrus of someone that you know to be reliable? You don’t check because you assume they know and diligently follow the halacha. Why should a victim assume that someone they know to be frum – perhaps even a talmid chachom or rebbi – can’t be trusted when they say something is OK?

Yichud is also not enough for another basic, yet crucial reason. Often the victim is someone that is permitted to be in yichud with the abuser. Sometimes, the abuser is the same gender as the abused. Sometimes, the victim is too young for yichud to apply. Too often, the victim is a close relative of the one who hurts them, such as a sibling, parent, or grandparent. Disturbingly, I know of actual cases of inappropriate actions done by a “frum” relative against their close kin. Yichud could not have prevented any of this. Still, yichud, like all gedarim, should be taught and scrupulously followed, just know it’s not the end of your hishtadlus. Ask shailos when necessary.

Let’s do all we can to protect our holy nation from unholy behavior. Emotionally support those affected and daven always for the healing and safety of klal Yisroel.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@ gmail.com.