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FEBRUARY 17, 2022 | The Jewish Home OCTOBER 29, 2015 | The Jewish Home
Parenting Pearls
A Difficult Discussion By Sara Rayvych, MSEd
T
his is a really hard article to write, and I went back and forth in my mind about whether or not to address this. I eventually decided to put my fingers to the keyboard to discuss this difficult and extremely painful topic. I am not here to be the final word on this issue. I am certainly not coming to you as the biggest expert on this matter. I am not bringing up this sore wound to make it hurt more. I’m simply here to keep the discussion going in the correct direction and hopefully add a little more light to a lot of darkness. This is complicated to write about, not just because of the inherent sensitivity of the subject matter but also because this is a public forum. I want this publication to remain the family-friendly one parents comfortably allow their children to read. My goal in writing this isn’t to decrease tznius, chas v’shalom, but to increase the kedusha within klal Yisroel. For too long, we’ve avoided the topic because it “wasn’t tznius,” sadly that allowed even worse to occur. With that objective in mind, I am writing this article but doing so in a more discreet fashion.
I know it’s tempting to avoid the topic in the hopes of sheltering our children. Truthfully, I’d love it if we could shelter them and keep them pure from all the insanity around us. Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s realistic. Children are exposed to the elements of the world, and if we don’t fortify them with the emes then we risk far worse, chas v’shalom. Not being taught about drugs doesn’t prevent a child from being offered them; it simply means they don’t know the dangers inherent to the substance. Similarly, avoiding the discussion on abuse does not thwart it. For percentages and other important details, I used the American Academy of Pediatrics (aap.org) and RAINN (rainn.org). There’s so much to say, and one article will not cover it. Thank you to the mental health professionals and abuse survivors that took the time to review this article before we went to print.
The Basics Let’s get through some of the basics quickly and hopefully clear away many of the misconceptions. Abusers come in all ages, genders, and types. For too long, we
assumed the risk came from some scary outsider. Now we know that, sadly, the greatest threat is from within, chas v’shalom. A perpetrator is generally someone that knows their victim well, often a friend or family member, so it’s usually someone the victim trusts. The frum abuse survivors that I know were attacked by other Jews, almost always a “frum Jew.” This makes it both easier for the victim to initially trust their abuser and harder to report them afterwards. Most perpetrators are male but there are some that are female. Victims can be any age at the time it occurs, and we now know that males can also be victimized, not just females. I will be focusing on children because this is a parenting article but please remember that abuse is painful at any age. Most abuse – more than twothirds – is not reported. Even those who do report the abuse may not do so for a long time. There are many reasons why victims don’t come forward and not being believed is one of them. Obviously, we can’t go around randomly accusing people of various crimes, but every allegation needs to be taken seriously. We certainly
don’t want to punish a guiltless person, but for too long we’ve taken the other route and erred on the side of protecting the guilty while ignoring the true innocents. It’s important to remember that false allegations are exceptionally rare. While everyone talks about “fake victims” and “lying,” the many resources I viewed all used the term “rare” while stressing that false allegations are highly unlikely. Abuse comes in many forms and not all involve physical contact, as many assume. Also, there is often a grooming period which serves as a precursor to the abuse, and parents need to know what that entails. Due to the nature of this publication, I will simply urge you to ask a mental health professional or research using a reputable website for examples. It’s important for parents to know how to recognize abuse in its various manifestations and how to properly educate their child in the appropriate nuances. Victims need to be believed and trusted – not just to prevent further abuse but also to begin their healing. It’s tempting to find fault with the victim, but it’s never the victim’s fault. Nothing that the victim could
