Seeing the Light of Geulah by Rabbi Benny Berlin

community, who can’t allow any perceived blemish upon how they perceive themselves, then there is no hope for your relationship. Let’s hope that they are more open-minded and accepting. By the way, you might be surprised to find that your family’s deep, dark secret is actually more publicly known than you imagine. Today, because a simple Google-type search is very easy to perform, your girlfriend might already know about the “scandal.” I secretly hope that she knows about it and is at peace with it.

Third, you may wish to explain to her that having this skeleton in your family closet has actually made you a better, stronger person. You have learned and grown from not only the positives but also the negatives in your family history.

You may wish to talk about what Dr. Viktor Frankl says in his book, “Man’s Search for Meaning.” A Holocaust survivor, he decided, after four years in Auschwitz, that despite events that are beyond your control, you can still maintain your freedom to control and choose how you respond to these challenges.

Explain that your family background has forged, in you, an ironwilled determination to become an exemplary husband, father, and member of the community.

Good luck! Please write to us and let us know how it all turns out.

Pulling It All Together

The Navidaters Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists

Dear Yaakov,

Thank you for writing into our column. It can feel so very scary to disclose a very “scandalous/bad” issue within one’s family. And though I don’t know the specific issue, I understand that you are speaking of something that isn’t every-day, something that may make the wonderful girl and/ or her parents choose to walk away from you, even though you had nothing to do with it. It is a family member’s scandal. Not yours.

Most human beings experience shame. Most human beings carry secrets; either their own or their family’s – things that if exposed to the public would feel like a death. The fear of being exposed, of being rejected, of someone being disgusted is a lot for a person to cope with. To experience that rejection from someone we love or potentially could imagine ourselves sharing a life with can be too much to handle.

Before I give you my personal opinion about this (and it is just that, an opinion...this isn’t a science and there is often no one right way to about matters of the heart), I feel that I must address shame within shidduchim and the Orthodox (modern and all the way to the right) ideal of the “perfect family.”

Many years ago, I was in a medical office waiting room. And these two lovely (and clearly not Orthodox) ladies were chatting. Yes, my son went to re-

hab for alcohol and cocaine addiction. He had been in and out of jail. And then my husband and I divorced because the pressure was just too much

on the marriage. The woman went on and on. And the other woman began sharing about her life. And the two sat in this medical office, speaking audibly, enough for me to hear them. And all I thought was, Wow! Look how beauti-

ful this is! These two women chatting so openly with as much as comfort as

talking about a grocery list. And then I thought to myself, What a healing

moment! There is no judgment. No

shame. When we let out our most pri-

If someone is your bashert, then you are already two halves of a whole.

vate thoughts and our deepest pain to a safe person, we heal! We heal! We heal! In certain communities, we simply are not allowed to share because we must seem perfect. And please, please, please... please do not send me any letters or emails telling me this isn’t true because in my line of work I see firsthand how deeply this impacts families and individuals on so many levels and scales in the Orthodox world. People who cannot heal because they risk losing status in shidduchim. The pain is real, and I will be a voice for all of you who suffer privately.

I want to tell you that you are human! And that I believe deeply that you are worthy of love, and worthy of getting married, with whatever “secret” you are carrying that has you mistakenly believing you are unloveable. It’s not true!

Back to you, Yaakov. We all have secrets. And revealing those secrets, especially in shidduchim is a scary, scary prospect within the manmade shidduch system. You need to truly listen to and trust what I am saying right now. It’s the truth. It is the only thing that makes sense to me, personally, on every level. It is also what I have seen time and time again in my line of work.

When it’s the right person, there is nothing you can tell that person that will keep her away from you. Nothing. Because if someone is your bashert, then you are already two halves of a whole. And your story is already hers. And hers is yours.

When the time is right, you will feel it. And I want you to do it with no fear. No fear. I want everyone to feel good about themselves, their families, where they come from. I want everyone to know that we all have a story. Most of us have family members who embarrass us or have done something shameful, on different scales. This is simply because we are all just human beings. And human beings make mistakes! We are all just having a human experience. And we are all still loveable and worthy. And instead of being taught to hide and feel shameful, in my opinion, we should be taught how loveable we all are. You know that bumper sticker we see on cars everywhere? Hashem loves you! I love that bumper sticker. I love it! It always makes me feel so good whenever I see it. It doesn’t say Hashem loves a part of you. Or, Hashem loves you, but that

shameful family member makes Him

not love you sometimes. He loves you!

Feel good about yourself, Yaakov. If she is the one, she won’t let you go because of something scandalous a family member did. And it’s as simple as that.

Sincerely, Jennifer

Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.