14 minute read
Jennifer Mann, LCSW
Dating Dialogue
What Would You Do If…
Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters
Dear
Navidaters, Thanks for taking the time to answer my question. I am 24 years old and starting to date. The reason I started “late” is because I spent my post-sem years in recovery for an eating disorder that took up my entire life literally and figuratively. I can honestly say I am in a very healthy good place right now, and excited, and ready for marriage. I want to put myself out there but here is my dilemma: Recovery from my ED is a huge part of my life, and I can’t imagine starting a relationship without talking about it to the guys I meet. From what I have been told though, in order to get good guys to go out with me, I should keep the ED quiet and only discuss it on a 3rd or 4th date. I really do not want to hide something that has impacted me in such a huge way. In a way, I want to put something about it on my shidduch resume just so I do not get hurt by someone for it. This way, they will just read it and reject it if they are not interested. What do you think?
Lauren*
Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.
The Panel
The Rebbetzin
Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.
Lauren, I truly respect your openness and your appreciation of the effort you have put into your recovery. You sound proud, and you should be! You dug deep within yourself and dealt with vulnerability and personal issues in a sustained effort to get to the healthy place where you are now. I am assuming that you have discussed your readiness for dating with your therapy team.
It is true that the general advice given to people who have struggled is to share this early on in a dating relationship. The third or fourth date is popular among mentors and coaches. It is felt that that is when you have gotten to know each other a little but are not yet deep into it.
Nonetheless, this is a very personal decision. I hear that you feel that this is a key part of who you are now and you want to bring it up earlier. That makes sense since you want the young men you date to get to know you, and you are ready to share early on.
I would encourage you to take this on a case-by-case basis. See how the dating goes and what feels comfortable and safe for you. Not every boy can handle this very early on. Why make this a policy? Dating is about exploring one another. It’s personal and differs from experience to experience. Making a firm rule now may not be best for you.
Putting the information on a shidduch resume is another story. It is broadcasting your private information to the community. What will that accomplish for you? Unfortunately, people attach labels of all kinds, and there is a lot of stigma in the shidduch scene and beyond.
You may want to explore this further with your therapy team. You mention the possibility of being hurt. Talk about that. It will help you decide how and when to share this information with a young man.
You are almost there.
Hatzlacha.
The Shadchan
Michelle Mond
Thank you so much for writing in! Your journey has undoubtedly been an emotional road but I would like to take a practical approach to your letter.
While many people go through challenges that shape who they are, no one would encourage those challenges to be spelled out on a shidduch resume. The reason for this is, while your challenges have certainly molded you into the person you are today, these challenges do not define you. A resume’s purpose is to state facts; a date’s purpose is to find out about your journey and essence.
Lauren, your letter shows how scared you are of rejection, and I don’t blame you. Rejection is not fun, but it surely is a big part of growing up and life in general. You do not have to spell out your life story on a first date. Would a book be considered for publication if the entire story was summarized on the front page? The same is with you and your story. Give someone time to get to know you before you go into your past struggles and journey. Not everybody deserves to know your story; it will take someone special who appreciates you to be zocheh to hear all about such an intimate and private thing.
I am in no way endorsing hiding anything – if references are asked about your history, they should be open and honest. From your standpoint, however, show up as your special and worked-through self, and tell your story a couple chapters in.
Hatzlacha!
The Single
Rivka Weinberg
Wow, Lauren, kol hakavod! I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult your journey must have been, and I want you to know that I am truly proud of you.
There are two points which I would like to touch upon. The first is the idea of rejection, and the second is your resume.
Dating is an extremely vulnerable activity. We step out of our comfort zones and put ourselves out there with the hopes of being accepted. At times, it’s a scary and overwhelming process. To avoid the pain of rejection, many times, as humans, we point out what we believe makes us different before others have the opportunity to do it first. However, in shidduchim, it’s crucial to know that when a person says no to another individual, he or she is not taking a shot at the character or personality of the other person. The goal of shidduchim is to find the person with whom you believe you can build a healthy and enduring relationship. With that said, if a person says no to a shidduch, it’s because there is a belief that the healthy and enduring relationship cannot be built. You deserve to be with someone who is excited to be with you and looks forward to building that awesome relationship together. So, step 1 is to realize it’s not a personal attack on who you are and your life experiences, rather it’s simply not a good match.
Second, always remember that everyone has their own “stuff.” Our life experiences shape who we are and play an integral role in how we
present ourselves. Throughout the process of building a relationship, we walk into vulnerable waters and reveal the events that contributed to our growth as individuals. While your eating disorder and recovery journey play a large role in who you are today, you are not your eating disorder. Your journey has allowed you to uncover various strengths and overcome challenges, giving you specific life perspectives. I think it’s important for you to go on dates and channel those strengths and skills you have developed to show the guy who you are today. What currently remains with you now are the lessons you learned from the experience, not the experience itself.
With that said, I recommend each person ask a shayla regarding their specific information and at what point it should be shared. I am not a rav and I don’t know the details of your situation, so I cannot tell you exactly what that point is, but I don’t think it needs to be written on your resume. You should display those powerful lessons and ideas through your personality and general conversation on the date. Finally, I wholeheartedly disagree with whoever told you that in order for you to “get good guys” you must keep your eating disorder quiet. The guy you will marry will appreci-
ate and value every part of you. He will understand that the experiences you went through made you into who you are today. Someone who is not willing to hear your story or cannot handle the complexity of it is not your husband. Hashem has already hand selected your zivug, so don’t worry about not “getting the good guys.” Your great guy will come at the right time, with Hashem’s help.
The Zaidy
Dr. Jeffrey Galler
Congratulations to you on your recovery. It takes a tremendous amount of strength, intelligence, and persistence to overcome such a serious challenge.
You are right to be proud of your accomplishment and wear it as a personal badge of honor. You cannot pretend that it never happened.
When to tell potential boyfriends about your Eating Disorder (ED) history is an excellent question. Here are my thoughts:
First, is your ED recovery really the most important, defining aspect of your character? Remember that you are a multi-faceted individual with many positive traits and abilities. Before disclosing your ED history, you might wish to first see if you and the young man share certain goals, aspirations, and interests.
Second, let’s assume that a potential date would feel perfectly comfortable going on a first date with you, despite your disclosing your ED history on your resume. The problem here is that young men are often advised by mothers, friends, or shadchans who may have a much more shallow understanding of what you went through. He may not ever get to go on that first date with you because the folks he respects might advise him, “No.”
Third, it’s easy to understand how you would wish to pre-screen any young men who simply could not accept your history. Why go through the aggravation of dating a few times, only to be rejected when he learns of your ED?
I don’t really know if that is, or is not, a good idea.
But, consider this: In parallel fashion, let’s think about a young man who might be the very best, most wonderful, potential match for you. But, is it possible that you, yourself, would refuse to even go on a first date, if you knew, ahead of time, that he is in recovery from alcohol addiction, or that he used to smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, or that he was once expelled from high school?
Fourth, you need to ask yourself, what would be the purpose of discussing your ED on a very first date? Is it because you want his help with your recovery? Or, do you simply want him to be aware of your history?
If you want his help and support, it’s unreasonable to expect it when he hardly knows you at all; if you simply want to inform him of your ED, what
would be the point if, after one or two dates, you discover that you have nothing in common and will never see each other again anyway?
Finally, your question, or your dilemma, does not have a simple, definitive answer. You have to do what makes you comfortable. My own opinion is that you should discuss your history only after you think that the young man is willing to learn about eating disorders and how to support your recovery.
Pulling It All Together
The Navidaters Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists
Dear Lauren,
Thank you so much for writing into our panel! Firstly, please let me congratulate you on your recovery. It takes herculean emotional strength to live with an eating disorder and equally as great, if not even more, to go through recovery. Wow! Wow! Wow! I’m also so glad that you wrote in so that anyone who battles an eating disorder knows that they are not alone and that there is help and always, always, always... hope.
Not one for games or rules about an exact date to reveal something, I completely validate your desire and need to share this fundamental, defining part of yourself with a potential life partner. I want you to visualize your life partner. Close your eyes and imagine how you will feel around him. Does he make you feel safe, confident, secure? Does he value you as a person? Does he know everything about you and love you because of it? Does he support you emotionally? Does he cherish you? Is he your best friend? Can you tell him anything and everything? I hope so!
This is how you deserve to feel in your relationship. He should not make you feel on edge, uneasy, needing to justify or explain, etc. I understand that you want guys to know about your recovery. It’s not even your recovery. It’s who you are. I really, deeply understand this.
The thing is, in my opinion, not everyone will be worthy of you and your story. I don’t want you to believe for one second that you have to hide, lie, omit or sugarcoat the beautiful Lauren that you are! I actually know that you are phenomenal and have been through hardships most people will never comprehend. You are a WARRIOR! You have slayed dragons and came out victorious! You are growth-oriented and filled with purpose and appreciation for life.
There is no handbook for this, Lauren. But there is your intuition. When you start dating, you will quickly learn that some men you go out with you will feel absolutely no connection with. If that is the case, I don’t know that you will want to share any part of yourself. When you meet someone who you feel good with (remember the feelings above) and you believe he is
worthy of learning about you, then go for it! Anyone who would reject you because of your history with an eating disorder and amazing recovery is not for you. It’s really just that simple. G-d willing, you’re going to meet an incredible man who has been on his own journey and who will support you and love you and be your biggest cheerleader.
So many rules have been created that I really think it’s driven people nuts. The idea that our mental health struggles or our personal challenges are shameful is so sad. Can we finally admit that we all have something? This is the human experience. All this pretending to be perfect and “storyless” and hiding teaches people that we are bad, wrong and disgusting. The shame so many of us carry because of the inherent message of the rules! “You aren’t worthy of love with your story.” Teryrible! Untrue! The truth is that we are beautiful, layered, multi-faceted neshamas created b’tzelem Elokim... stories, issues, mental health struggles and that weird relative no one wants to talk about, and all.... The truth also is that this pretend world of perfection is so deeply inculcated into the fabric of shidduchim, I’m not quite sure what it would take to stop. So, people keep playing the game to stay in the game. I understand.
It is the people who go around hurting others, with zero selfawareness, who have what to feel ashamed about. And those are usually the people who never do! A person such as yourself, who has faced an inner battle and surthrived (I learned that word from my friend and colleague, Dr. Jennifer Wolkin) should be lauded and celebrated! You didn’t just survive. You are thriving! SURTHRIVED.
I am using this column as my soapbox. Never, ever, ever, ever feel ashamed of who you are! If someone is telling you to feel ashamed, do not believe it! When we enter a relationship carrying shame and holding secrets and not revealing, it typically does not bode well. Our partners have a right to our honest truth as well. If conversation gets “real,” on dates 1 or 2 and you’re feeling like this is a good guy worthy of story, I say, go with your gut!
Sincerely, Jennifer
Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.
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