13 minute read
Jennifer Mann, LCSW
Dating Dialogue
What Would You Do If…
Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters
Dear
Mazal tov to our columnist, RENA FRIEDMAN, upon her engagement!
Navidaters,
I’ve never written to a magazine before, but I have no clue who else to ask. I really like the styles of each of your panelists, and I think you could help me. I’m 26 and have been dating since I was 21. I don’t live at home anymore, for reasons that will become obvious as I continue. I’m dating a guy seriously – let’s call him Chaim. I am petrified to bring him home to meet my parents, because I know my parents will sabotage it. They won’t do it to his face, but as soon as he leaves, their critique will begin. Either he’s too short, too tall, not tall enough, doesn’t have a good enough family, doesn’t “look” like our family, doesn’t have a good enough job, etc. I’ve been through this before, which was why I moved out.
Chaim and I want to get engaged, and I have been putting it off because I don’t want my parents to start their negativity train. Things feel so much safer with them in the dark. Chaim knows how I feel regarding my parents. How should I go forward with this?
Thank you, Leah*
Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.
The Panel
The Rebbetzin
Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.
Leah, I hear your dilemma. I am glad you have found your soulmate and the two of you are ready to finalize a lifelong commitment.
I am going to make some assumptions based on what you have written. The first is connected to your relationship with your parents. The second is connected to your relationship with Chaim.
You did not move out only because your parents are hypercritical of the boys you date. There were and are other serious issues in the relationship which have not yet been worked out. You have also been in therapy to deal with the root issues that cause this. You are living independently and have a profession by now. You also have mentors to whom you turn.
Therefore, think back to what your therapists and mentors have advised you about communicating with them. Consider what has worked in the past. Consider going to your therapist and mentors with Chaim. Consider telling people in their life (their rabbi/mentor/ close friend) in advance about your pending engagement so that they are ready to deal with their reaction and will feed them appropriate advice.
A strategy you may decide on is letting them know the engagement is happening and giving them a choice. In other words, informing them of the impending news and telling them you have a choice: to participate in the simcha with happiness and dignity or not.
Whatever you decide to do together with your team and Chaim, remember not to fall into the traps and patterns of the past. Don’t let their reaction and your reaction to old patterns drive you to say things you will later regret. Don’t let old behaviors get triggered by them. You may need to prepare scripts and practice them.
I am assuming that you have been open with Chaim about your parents, the issues that remain between you and them, and their possible reactions. Have you shared your personal journey in separating from them? Is your relationship strong enough to weather short-term and long-term negativity from your parents? Has he had experience dealing with toxic relationships and grown from it? Does he have mentors? Can he stick to the script you decide on? Does he have the capacity to give you what you need when you have stress? How does he deal with major stress? Do you have the capacity to give him what he needs to support him through his stress? These are important questions to work through so that you two will weather not only this stress but future stressors that life inevitably brings. Take the time to work through this looming challenge and your later challenges as a couple will be easier to handle as you will have forged a strong bond of mutual support.
B’hatzlacha. The Shadchan Michelle Mond nario you describe play out many different ways over the years, so much so that I can basically predict an outcome if I have enough information.
If you and Chaim are being completely honest with each other, I would give your relationship a good prognosis. You will get through the engagement and marriage process; you will tiptoe around your parents negativity. You might need to learn some creative coping techniques. Place the phone on your pillow while your parents go on monologues about their fears and woes regarding your new relationship. Make sure you have healthy mentors to provide you with guidance along the way. They say the best way to battle stagefright is to pretend your audience is a bunch of clowns. Suddenly the task of public speaking is not so daunting because you are actually imagining yourself speaking to the least intimidating group of people on earth. I advise you to do the same. Hopefully your self-confidence is strong enough to use this tool to your advantage.
I can infer from details in your letter that you understand the unhealthy patterns in your parents (hence your move out of your home, etc.). Go to your childhood home with Chaim, a box of chocolates, a bottle of wine, and some red clown noses. You already recognize your parents have a problem, and you know what to expect. That is most of the battle. Now you just need to get over with it, introduce him, and create an environment where you are not taking them too seriously. You are speaking to an audience of clowns; no need to get all intimidated. You know your relationship with Chaim, and you are a self-aware young woman who can hold her own.
Your parents love you and will love Chaim. You just have to get through these next few months with a grain of
As a shadchan, I have seen the sce-
salt and a sense of humor.
The Single
Rivka Weinberg
Leah, I’m so happy to hear you and Chaim are looking to get engaged! Im yirtzeh Hashem it should be b’sha’ah tova u’mutzlachas.
Bringing a boy home can be exciting, as well as scary and overwhelming. From the way you describe your situation, I can understand why you are hesitant to do so. Each family circumstance is different, and I think it’s important to remember that the words “should” and “normal” are not meant to exist in the realm of shidduchim. One of my rebbeim once told me that people are so busy “shoulding” themselves and comparing their situations to others’ that they self-sabotage. If you believe having Chaim meet your parents too far in advance before the engagement would cause more harm than benefit, then don’t put yourself in that situation. With that being said, I think it’s important for someone whom you respect and trust to meet Chaim to get that validation we all seek from our
loved ones when we bring home “the one.” I suggest you reach out to a rav, rebbetzin, or mentor to set up a time to meet with him/her and Chaim to allow yourself the menuchas hanefesh we all crave. Once that validation has been acquired and you are fully comfortable and confident with the decision to marry Chaim, you can introduce him to your parents.
The fact that Chaim is aware of how you feel about your parents is healthy and shows a level of communication and depth in your relationship. When being vulnerable with him and sharing your feelings, watch how he responds and determine for yourself if you feel heard emotionally in the relationship. However, keep in mind that Chaim is 50% of the relationship as well. Have you asked him what his thoughts are on the situation? Just because he is aware of your feelings towards your parents, doesn’t mean he is okay with them preventing your relationship from progressing. Have an open and honest conversation with Chaim to ensure you are both truly on the same page with regard to a timeline.
As difficult as it may be, work on being securely attached and enough for yourself to prevent your parents’ opinions from penetrating your own. I have heard that dating is a microcosm for marriage, so being able to face this challenge head-on with Chaim will allow you to build that necessary foundation which, iy”H, will guide the two of you throughout life. Most importantly, remember Hakadosh Baruch Hu has a plan and turn to Him for the strength, courage, and clarity necessary to navigate this tekufa in your life.
The Zaidy
Dr. Jeffrey Galler
There’s an old joke:
A young woman comes home from a singles’ weekend and excitedly tells her parents, “I’m so happy! I met the most wonderful man. We love each other and want to get married! I can’t wait for you to meet him. I’m sure you will love him.”
The parents are happy for their daughter and say, “That’s great! When can we meet him?”
The daughter replies, “I knew you’d say that. I brought him home with me, and he’s standing on the porch right now!”
She opens the door and introduces her parents to her boyfriend. He’s wearing a loincloth, his body is completely covered with tattoos, his long hair is festooned with bones, his belt is adorned with shrunken human skulls, he has a live snake wrapped around his neck, and he is carrying a long spear in his right hand.
The girl’s mother shrieks, “No, no! I told you to marry a rich doctor! Not a witch doctor!”
Okay, okay, it’s not that funny. But the point is that parents have optimistic matrimonial expectations for their children, and it is sometimes difficult or impossible for children to satisfy those expectations.
So, Leah, ask yourself: Are your parents’ past criticisms completely offthe-wall, over-the-top, unreasonable, and unfounded? Or, do they mean well and are there some hard-for-you-to-admit truths to their past critiques?
If you feel absolutely certain and confident that this is the chosson for you, despite how your parents might feel, you need to sit down with them before the momentous meeting, and say, “Mom, Dad, I love you, and I’m looking
Pulling It All Together Do not convince them of anyThe Navidaters thing. That is not Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists your job. Do not ask them to like him. That is not your responsibility. Don’t prepare them with a speech
Dear Leah, about how great he
Thank you for writing into our derful! I can’t imagine is. Their opinion of him column! what you may feeling at the is of no importance to you. Simply
First and foremost, I think you are thought of introducing Chaim tell them that you have met someone incredible for taking the difficult steps to your parents. Chaim is pre- special and you would like to make to move out of your parents’ home. cious to you. And when you bring an introduction. Ask them about their Living with hypercritical family has him in front of your parents, from schedules and coordinate the meeting. the potential to make people both your description, they will most likely Before the meeting, I want you to emotionally and physically unwell. If pick him apart. I can completely un- breathe. Deep breathing. Your body you’ve tried talking with them about derstand your hesitation! Why would may be dysregulated beforehand beit and they are unable to understand, anyone want to subject herself and her cause of all the times your parents have hear you or make changes for your loved one to this? You may know that criticized you and/or the men you have emotional safety and comfort, further their words are completely beyond the brought home. It is likely that you will talking and communication around pale, but still, you are only human… be feeling emotional. Your goal is to this issue may likely be unhelpful and and words hurt. Seeds get planted. simply regulate your body so that when unhealthy for you. It is not for me to Ideas begin to sprout. To be picked the criticisms begin to flow, you will resurmise what is driving your parents to apart and feel as if Chaim will not “be main grounded and calm. “nitpick” you, but it is my place to val- enough” in their eyes will most likely You have created a safe zone for idate your very wise decision to leave. hurt. And the realization that parents yourself where you are safe from your You chose mental sanity and peace by can be so limited is hurtful for a child parents’ nitpicking and degrading. creating a boundary between yourself of any age. And now, you are faced with the prosand their hurtful words. And yet, for good reason, I’m sure, pect of going back into an emotional You have met a wonderful man your parents continue to be in your space where you will not be protected. with whom you want to spend the rest life and you will be introducing Chaim How brave of you. You need to know of your life. Mazal tov! How won- to them. Here is my practical advice. how brave you are. This is not easy.
forward to you meeting Chaim. I know that you love me and want the very best for your daughter, but I am asking you, very strongly, to not say anything negative to me about him. Chaim and I want to have a long, loving, healthy relationship with you. So, no matter how strongly you feel, please never, ever express any criticisms about him.”
Good luck and best wishes.
After you meet with your parents, it will be done with. I suggest that you and Chaim do something together that makes you feel very safe. Is there a place you can visit that has significance to you? Maybe a cup of coffee or tea together would help. Or writing a poem or journaling. Maybe a conversation with a “safe” relative. Something or someone safe, immediately afterward.
Your parents may always have something negative to say about your life. Be it a life partner, your first house, the timing of your children, the career of your choice, or the way you part your hair. Or maybe it will be Chaim’s hair that is parted improperly. When we are criticized as youngsters, we often try to please our parents (and others) for the rest of our lives. Some of us may put up walls to protect ourselves from ever getting hurt. And we lose out on being our authentic selves and feeling the liberating sensation of being an individual. The fact that you have moved out truly does speak volumes about you. For what it’s worth, you deserve to be with the man who lights up your heart; who puts a smile on your face; and who makes you happy every day for the rest of your life.
Sincerely, Jennifer
Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 516-224-7779, ext. 2. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email thenavidaters@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.
