Parenting Pearls

The Real Parenting Moments

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

Many parents tend to place a lot of focus on proper punishment and how to properly give consequences for bad actions. It is a major topic, and there is much debate on how to do so correctly. In this article, I’m not going to discuss in-depth my thoughts on punishing kids. I think that giving children a proper, relevant consequence to their actions is a fine art. I want to clarify that I’m not among those who subscribe to the belief that children should never be told “no.” I do think that giving children clear guidelines and fair expectations are crucial to their development and something that benefits the child. How to strike that fair balance will also not be the subject of this article. There are differences between punishments and consequences, but that’s not a discussion for today.

Now that I’ve devoted an entire paragraph to what we’re not discussing, let’s get to the topic at hand.

I don’t remember where I first heard this particular idea, but I remember how surprising it was to me at the time. I think it came from a book for educators but I’m not positive. The basic premise is that chinuch or educating a child doesn’t happen with punishment. Punishment is to stop the bad behavior, but it’s not the ultimate lesson. The main chinuch lessons generally occur afterwards or at other times. This doesn’t mean children should be allowed to run wild because you can’t educate a child who is acting out. Additionally, nobody benefits when a child is permitted to misbehave, certainly not the child himself. But it means we need to appreciate that whatever misbehavior we see, or area that needs to be corrected, needs to be dealt with at a later time if we want to truly educate. It is incorrect to rely on the time-out and say our job is complete.

I personally think of it as the two phases of dealing with misbehavior. One phase is stopping the child’s negative behavior. While we commonly think of this as punishment or consequence, it can also be redirecting, calming, or distracting the child. An example would be a hungry child tantruming – he just needs to be fed. A child who is overstimulated would be best off being held or removed from the situation. Kids are young and don’t have the same ability to control themselves that adults should have. Not every mistake needs to become a big deal.

The second phase is giving the appropriate chinuch lessons so the child will actually learn. This can be anything from explaining what the child did wrong (they don’t always know!), to showing a better way of handling the situation. I want to point out that not every misbehavior will warrant the second phase. A two-year-old who writes on the wall with markers doesn’t need a lecture or even rebuke because the parent just needs to keep the markers out of reach (the child can help with the cleanup, though).

There is no “one size fits all” in parenting, and there are times that a consequence will very effectively match the misbehavior. I can’t say the consequence will never be sufficient to educate the child; I’m simply saying that the consequence isn’t enough in most cases.

How does this change things?

The difference is subtle and you may be wondering why this is worth mentioning. This principle changes the equation in small, yet important ways. One difference is that, depending on the behavior, you can sometimes stop what they’re doing with other methods. Not everything needs an immediate, full consequence. For example, toddlers can often be distracted and many misbehaviors by little ones may not require the full response. There are many times that you can simply distract a child, redirect, or simply remove them from whatever is going on. I can’t tell you how many times a passing truck or construction project has saved the day. “Look kids, truck!” Suddenly, they forget whatever mischief they’re into and off they go to stare out the window.

I’ve also found that sometimes the most effective means with teens is to quickly stop the behavior and have that sincere conversation later when they’re calm. Trying to punish or yell back will just escalate the situation, and nobody benefits. It’s been my personal experience that teenagers, in particular, can remember later on what they did and think more clearly once they’re past the initial crisis. An example of this is if a teenager is cursing. Rebuking or punishing them during that time will just cause more cursing. Finding a creative way to stop the behavior in the heat of the moment will stop the cursing and give them a chance to cool off. Later on, once they’re more receptive, you have the chance to succinctly point out that they can’t do whatever it is they did. You may not need to say as much since they may have already thought

a bit about what happened. When you approach them, you can often see if they’re feeling remorse or if they require a more thorough discussion.

Older children have the ability to remember earlier events and can be spoken to in a more mature fashion. Younger children often don’t remember their actions minutes (or seconds) later, so this particular method may not be effective with them.

It’s up to parents to use their best judgement for when these techniques can be utilized. Parents should have many tools in their toolboxes and use their discretion for when it’s best to utilize any particular tool. What will work beautifully in one situation can be a disaster in another.

While not every situation is best dealt with in this manner, there are times when an immediate consequence can be counterproductive. Knowing your options and using your best judgment (along with lots of davening) can help you decide what to do in each situation.

Alternative options

Since giving a punishment isn’t the most reliable method for chinuch, we should mention a few potentially more effective means. You’re probably already using most of them but let’s discuss them anyway. These alternative options are useful for when the negative behavior has already been stopped. The age of the child and the issue being addressed will dictate whether an immediate response is warranted or if you’re better off waiting till the smoke has cleared and the world is again at peace. Also, some methods are more effective for different ages and personalities. It’s important to note that your ability to communicate effectively is often based on your connection with that child; a connected child is more receptive.

Discussing the issues is pretty effective for many children. You can take the time to speak to your child and let them know what’s wrong with what they did and what they should have done instead. Keep it brief and relevant while avoiding lecturing. You will want to have an idea in advance of what you want to say. For a younger child, you may not want to say more than “hitting hurts” because they will become lost after that. A long d’var Torah on Kayin and Hevel will not hit the target. With teens, you may be able to just say simply, “We don’t speak that way” or something to the point if you can tell they’ve already thought about the issue and have some regrets. On the other hand, some behaviors will require an indepth discussion and you certainly want to be prepared in advance with an effective means of communicating your concerns.

Demonstrating appropriate behaviors can often tell a child more than just saying “don’t.” Often, we assume kids understand what they should be doing when we tell them what not to do. Saying, “Don’t hit Mommy” doesn’t tell them what is the correct way to get an adult’s attention; it just tells them one way that is wrong. Demonstrating a gentle way of getting someone’s attention or how to say they need something will fill in that gap. You may need to remind them occasionally of the proper way to do something but they will eventually learn. I often try to remind myself that children are young and newer to the world. It often takes repeating the same lesson many times before it becomes ingrained. It also takes some maturity to learn to control oneself. Try to have patience while knowing they’ll probably hit their sibling again before they can have the self-control to stop themselves.

Along with demonstrating appropriate behavior is role playing and acting out the lesson. These methods, especially for younger children, are quite effective. Taking the time to practice their various options can really bring the lesson home. Young kids naturally learn through play, and this is a gentle, natural way to teach them. Even older kids can benefit, since it makes the lesson more concrete and helps them internalize your teachings.

Some children may benefit from enjoying a book on the topic. There are wonderful books on various topics, and there are some children who may prefer relaxing with a book over having a discussion. Be careful how this is done so it doesn’t backfire and any potential benefit is lost. Make

There are times when an immediate consequence can be counterproductive.

sure the content of the book, the tone in your voice, and the words you use properly convey the love you intend with it.

Any method needs to come from a place of love and not anger. It’s about your child and their need to grow – not parental ego. In my humble opinion, I would say an exception can be made if your child hurt you. Then, I think demonstrating some hurt can be appropriate. “I was really shocked/offended/hurt when you spoke to me that way” can give over the lesson that their actions can hurt others. Yelling in anger can alienate, while displaying emotions can be effective for some but ineffective for other kids.

Parenting is complex but rewarding. It can be reassuring to know that our best parenting moments don’t need to happen when our kids are acting poorly or when they’re being penalized. The best parenting opportunities can happen when you’re both calm and you have the leisure for a warm, bonding moment.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.