Is It Over? by Dr. Deb Hirschhorn

Dr. Deb Is It Over?

By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.

“I am in so much pain,” she said. “I just can’t go on another day.”

“I’ve tried everything and nothing works, so what is the point of trying anything else?” he said.

You’re right; you shouldn’t suffer. I don’t believe Hashem wants us to suffer. What would be the point of suffering anyway? What gain is there?

Life is too short. We’re meant to feel excited by every moment we’re alive; excited at just breathing the air, feeling the sunshine, enjoying the rain, too.

We’re not meant to quake at the sound of our spouse’s footsteps.

We’re not meant to feel our eyes wanting to roll as our partner challenges, lectures, or attacks us.

We’re not supposed to swallow criticism just to keep the peace.

Our kids aren’t content to watch us fight or live like strangers in the same house; that is not the way to raise kids to savor life – and love.

We’re not created to “get through” our lifetimes and have nothing joyous to show for it at the end.

“But I tried so much in so many ways,” they replied.

I understand. Let me explain the problems with the things you’ve tried.

“I Tried Explaining ‘Til I’m Blue in the Face”

Many people believe that when you speak proper English and the other person is intelligent, all you have to do is explain your intent and – bingo! – problem solved.

I wish.

I remember a time, back when I was in college, a bunch of us were discussing what we would do if we were confronted by a robber with a gun. I thought I might “explain” how he would be ruining his life by keeping this up.

Lots of luck.

I learned quickly that explaining and logic don’t work very often. Logic is good for the world of engineering, computers, rocket science, and research. And that’s about it. It will not help when emotions are involved. And they’re involved in just about every decision we make. (That’s why medical journals must report financial conflicts of interest for their published research. Even research scientists are prone to be swayed. In fact, any scientific “fact” should be looked on with a jaundiced eye until all conflicts of interest are on the table, something apparently not happening in our current tekufa, but that’s for another time and place.)

According to Antonio Damasio, one of the foremost neuroscientists today, the emotional parts of our brains can be found all over the brain, not just in the amygdala or other parts of the limbic system. And there is no decision that can even be made without an emotional component.

So, back to “trying to explain”: When you explain your feelings, that doesn’t mean that your partner gets it. You would think it’s obvious, but it’s absolutely not. It can be the exact opposite.

Many people are brought up in homes where emotions must be avoided at all costs. Perhaps such people were raised with all the fighting that I described above. Too much drama growing up leads the next generation to run the opposite way.

So that generation doesn’t want to hear about feelings, especially bad ones.

That means that when you try to explain how you feel, they are not listening, or even if they are listening, they literally can’t relate to it because they know nothing about emotions.

Shrinks like to call that “being in denial.”

I prefer saying they simply don’t know the language of emotions. To understand emotions, you have to immerse yourself in experiencing them, a very difficult matter for people who have avoided them at all costs.

So “explaining” doesn’t work.

I Kept Telling My Spouse What I Wanted

Now, we’ve moved out of the realm of emotions and into the world of behavior. Behavior, you would think, is a lot easier. You simply change how you respond to things.

Well, that’s another “good luck on that one.”

If a person has spent their entire life yelling, do you really think they could stop just because you asked?

There are lots of reasons why they would not stop.

One is that many behaviors are on automatic. This is called “economy of mind.” Our brains don’t have to ponder what to do when a stone gets thrown our way; we duck. It’s automatic.

But there are other reasons why a person might not readily change behavior.

One big one is that people are scared of losing their sense of identity. When people say, “This is who I am,” what they’re really saying is, “If I changed that behavior, would I feel like myself?”

They are scared that they would not.

It’s not that they can’t make the switch. For many behaviors, there is a gap in time to think through one’s actions; they’re not automatic and shouldn’t be. Yet, if a person is afraid that they won’t recognize themselves when they act differently, they just might resist.

Then there’s the insecurity problem. Lots of insecure people overcompensate for it by coming down hard on standing their ground.

People like to call that “narcissistic” but when you peek beneath the out-there cover of the narcissist, they turn out to be insecure and will go to any lengths to hide that insecurity, especially from themselves.

So they will fight tooth and nail to not make behavioral changes that they very well could make.

We Went to Therapy and Got Nowhere

Couples counseling requires specialized training. The therapist certainly has to understand how to help the individuals in the relationship. But he or she also has to know how to understand what is going on in a couples conversation.

Very, very often, the people in the conversation are hiding behind their defenses, so what you see and hear – right down to facial expressions and tones of voice – are defensive protector parts rather than the Self (soul) of the people.

How do you get around that?

I remember a long time ago when I was struggling with that very thing.

I’d have a couple in front of me be vulnerable and honest one minute and then just when I wanted to capitalize on that, the shields would go up.

You can’t work that way.

Therapists will try their hardest to get those defenses down, often by being logical and reasonable, hoping the drama in the room would subside and reason would prevail.

What they didn’t know, apparently, is that a logical, analytical front could be just another protector part, not a person’s true Self.

So how do you know when the Self is present?

Easy.

The Self doesn’t have an agenda. And the Self doesn’t mind being vulnerable because when a person is governed by the Self, they’re at peace with who they are, even their mistakes and past errors.

It is not hard to see through the analytical front to realize you’re not with the real person when you’ve gotten used to recognizing parts, protectors, and the Self of people.

So What Am I Supposed To Do Now?

• Assume you both get defensive; each of you must work on yourself first to know who you are, through and through, defenses and all. • See a therapist who will work with each of you separately until such time as you each have the art and skill under your belt of recognizing when you’re not in Self and moving back into it. • Under ethical guidelines, that leaves out psychologists, social workers, and mental health counselors. Many say they are not permitted to see each individual in a couple; that is considered a conflict of interest. Systemically trained marriage therapists, on the other hand, encourage their clients to both visit them because the more deeply connected to each client they are, the more helpful they can be with the marriage as a whole. What If My Spouse Refuses to Participate?

There are a few excellent reasons for this; don’t assume it means they don’t care or don’t want to improve things: 1. They might have had an un-nerving prior experience with a therapist (or therapists) who berated, criticized, blamed, or simply was unsympathetic and insensitive. 2. They might be afraid to explore hidden recesses of their own hearts; they’re afraid of finding something out that they will be revolted by. 3. They might be afraid that their personal information and vulnerabilities will be conveyed to their partner and used against them.

My solution is to err on the side of extra kindness. Maybe that’s wrong. I’ve been told it’s wrong; that people will take advantage and lie and manipulate. I agree that could be true. But when I’m in the dark about who a person really is, I have to assume the best.

So my advice is follow the principle of being gentle, kind, and loving to get the resistant spouse to see someone whom you totally trust to be kind and at the same time has much to offer in the way of gently challenging each of you to connect with who you really are under the defenses.

If a person is a verbal abuser or an abuser of alcohol and drugs and will not take a step toward getting healthy help, only then would I say it might be over.

Then again, I’ve known many people who refused to work on the marriage until papers were filed and then they made an about-face with the right help.

So the answer is: If you’re taking constructive steps towards the good life you were meant to have, don’t give up.

Dr. Deb Hirschhorn is a Marriage and Family Therapist. If you want help with your marriage, begin by signing up to watch her Masterclass at https://drdeb. com/myw-masterclass.