JWOW

jewish women of wisdom

Replacement Parts?

By Rebbetzin Faige Horowitz

No one is interested in the minutiae of your life like your mother. This is an observation that I made several years ago. It must be a fact because no one has disagreed even though I shared this assertion with so many women over the years.

There actually was one woman who at first averred that a sister is interested in the number of loads of laundry you did after yomtov, the number of side dishes you made before yomtov, the repair guy that didn’t come before yomtov, and the stocking order that finally arrived on yomtov. Sisters only listen so that they can vent themselves, we decided after some discussion. They are not really interested; they have their own stuff they need to share.

I was a long-married woman of about forty when my mother died. And it took me a while to reach this disheartening conclusion. I think it was the summer that I exercised a lot and lost weight plus inches, and NO ONE NOTICED! Eventually, my mother’s cousin ran into me on the street and commented. She was my mother’s age and peer on several levels. It felt so good, and I told her so.

That’s when I realized that although no one could replace my mother, whatever little bits and pieces of validation I can get from someone else will have to do. And I needed to treasure those positive comments and hold onto them. They are generally few and far in between. We all want a cheering squad, someone to tell us “good job!” and someone to care about the particulars of our daily life. It feels good when someone gives you compliments on things you worked really hard to achieve. Even when you are grown up and a mother and grandmother yourself.

We can do something about this want even if we cannot meet the entire

need. One thing we can do is warmly respond to the affirmation and genuinely express how much it means to us. This may cause the listener to realize that a small word can really give us uplift. It’s OK to say, “That really felt good. I really needed to hear that.” I do it, and it doesn’t make me feel like a nebbish. I feel honest, and the other person knows that I am responding genuinely.

Another thing we can do is ask for support when we need it. I have told a friend that I needed a cheering squad when I needed to move a project forward that was not my typical thing. Her response was immediate: “I’ll be your cheering squad!” I have learned that if you are open with a trusted confidant who is tuned in, you get what you ask for. She will not replace my mother, but she will meet that particular need at that time.

No one will replace our mothers. And there is no such thing as a com-

posite mother. Bits from this one and that one don’t replicate the unconditional loving support from a mother we don’t have. But mentors, warm words of wisdom from trusted people, and insightful individuals, even in brief conversations, can give us what we need when we need that stroking. I treasure that compliment on how good I looked that summer because I needed it and it came. I am grateful.

I call this savoring “kvelling.” Kvelling, taking joy and nachas from something we have experienced, is a healthy thing. To me it is taking repeated helpings of good feeling from something we accomplished or something nice someone said. It makes us feel good when we feel low and strong when we feel weak.

There are other ways one can encourage oneself. For a while, I kept evidence of a certain project at hand for a long while. I didn’t open it often but it was a visual reminder that I am capable and can produce something of quality and substance. It gave me a boost again and again. It couldn’t “fix me” but it certainly helped me.

So let’s focus on where, how, and from whom we can get some of our needs met instead of what we are missing. There is no assortment of Mrs. Potatohead pieces that will replace the mother that is gone from my life. But I can find validation, compliments, and encouragement from some other human relationships. And that’s ok and good.

There is no assortment of Mrs. Potatohead pieces that will replace the mother that is gone from my life.

In memory of my late mother, Rebbetzin Yehudis Perlow, z”l, the Novominsker Rebbetzin, whose yahrzeit is Gimmel Tammuz.

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